20 Hrs to Wales With a Beatles Book & a Bottle of Piss

Episode 63
20 Hrs to Wales with a Beatles Book & a Bottle of Piss

Download our NEW SINGLE ‘Game Over’: https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/coldcallerscomedy/game-over

We briefly touch upon getting the vaccine & what it might be like to post yourself on a long haul flight around the world in a small wooden container.

Ryan’s 'Highlight of the Week' is a mix of good and bad. Then I attempt to to force feed my massive knowledge to Ryan in “Suck on my Big Fat Dictionary”.

In Hardy’s Hardest Hats, Tom Hardy finds himself escaping Nazi Germany after Bane killed Hitler. Can he get to Egypt, unscathed?

Performer & man of many talents, David Hoskin is our guest in today’s show where we chat about his career in acting, improvising & Stand Up. We also discuss one of his my recent projects called Gorgon, which has now been adapted into a radio play. Available from the link below. This one was a great laugh - Oh and we also cracked out a game of ‘Why Did They Give Them 1 Star!?’

Here’s the links for David:

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/davidhoskinactor
Twitter - https://www.twitter.com/DHoskinactor

Gorgon the Play - https://elflyons.bandcamp.com

Show Promo this week was from the Ye Olde Crime podcast. - https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/ye-olde-crime/id1514461061

We really need your support. We do this because we love it. But right now, due to current times, we’re really struggling. We want to be able to focus more energy into what you hear. And that’s where we need your help. From as little as £3, you can help support us and fund future, exciting content. All whilst getting exclusive bonus content that no one else can hear. So… Wanna be a patron? Here’s where you go - https://www.patreon.com/coldcallerscomedy

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All the best & Don't Forget The Comedy!

RyPaul

Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cold-callers-comedy--4694450/support.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
April. M h, I gota little brick. I'll mate. I'm
so relieved because I've me too.I've been. It's so amazing that you're
able to share that. Oh,you've got the vaccination as well. No
oh did you meet? Oh?Hello, and welcome to the Cold Callers

(00:56):
comedy podcast in association with Podbreed andQuite the Thing Media Network. My name
is Paul Rich and my name isRyan Brannon. Every episode, me and
Paul get together for a catch upand we invite you to come down to
the market and browse the ladies where. We're going to need some some clarification

(01:19):
on that when you say the market, the market that I work in sometimes
right Saturday? And you sell ladieswhere ladies where that's made in Italy?
Mate? Yeah? Wow? Isyou sell clothes? And is it just
clothes? Disclothes? It's like it'sa black a boutique, right, Okay?

(01:40):
Yeah, Well you've been doing thisa while now, I meant you,
Paul, Yeah, yeah, andyou it's yours, isn't it.
Really? It's your business yea tomake a lot of the decisions. Yet.
So do you sell Cold Callers merchandise? Nah? No, I can't
it's not cost effective because you knowno one would buy it. Yeah,

(02:04):
yeah, pretty much. That.Well, there's no profit margin on it
as well, so yeah, true. So guys and gals out there who
are listening, if you are notalready subscribed to our podcast on Spotify,
Apple or any of the other androidshit, if you're one of those weirdos,

(02:25):
then make sure you are. Doyou mean like the majority of like
people? Is that one? GoogleGoogle to play, Google, Google Play,
I don't know what it is Googlepodcasts. No people people on Andrew
will listen on Spotify probably or castbox or that doesn't don't care, but
whatever you're on, make sure you'resubscribed. Make sure you rate and review

(02:51):
on any of the ones you canrate, and well they weren't. Now
you've they feel insulted like I do. Well you should do because you've got
because you've got a stupid phone.I don't have a stupid phone. The
only thing stupid about it is theway it's pronounced, A well way,
a whole spying whatever. Yeah,I like to buy the new Huawe,

(03:19):
but yeah, make sure you've doneall that you know, right, view
and subscribe and all that balls goon. Patron if you want to give
us a few quit a month,and we've actually got badges now, yeah
that if you are on the rightlevel, then we'll send you a badge.
And I know what you're thinking badges. We don't need not thinking badges,
but you do because they're really cool. What was that like from a

(03:42):
film or something or you just yeahit was yeah, oh yes, a
badge of honor. Yeah, it'sa badge of honor. Yeah. It
shows that you care. Yeah,you're a big fan. But you know,
that's that's that's the second tier ofbeing on Patreon. If you want
to badge m hm, well youknow, if we just really like you.
Yeah, but patron, if youwant to support us, you've got

(04:06):
Tea Public and Tea Spring. Ifyou want to buy some of our merch
which also supports us, yeah,you get your own badge by that.
But I think they're a little bitexpensive for what they are. Oh yeah,
yeah, to be fair, it'sprobably easier to be probably still cheaper,
remember to do that then to payus every month something. But yeah,
but you get conclusive stuff content,yeah exactly. Um. And lastly,

(04:30):
of course listen to our music.Yeah, that's free. Most of
that you can pay for it ifyou want, but most places it's free.
Yeah, and it all goes towardsmaking us. No it's not.
It's not free. I mean it'sfree for you, but we will get
The great thing is if you streamus, we will at least get you
know, not point not not notnot not not not one pence. Well

(04:54):
if they pay it forward, youknow, if they go like, I'm
listening to this song, I'm goingto send it to two friends. Hey,
make sure you send it to twofriends. And then they just keep
doing that because they're you know,stone cold callers, bangers, that's what
those say these songs are. Theyare. But you know people don't do
that, and that's why just fourteenstreams this month, so you know,

(05:17):
three of them are from me,So anyway, they're not going to do
it. So I don't know whywe bother. But still so a lockdown
is coming to an end. I'mpretty sure I have heard three people unsubscribe.
Don't blame them, We've done nothingbut moan. Yes, but lockdown

(05:40):
is coming to an end, baby, yes and continue, Yeah, exactly.
Things are starting to starting to getback on the move. People are
going out, people are seeing things, travel working like you we are and
travel is next. Yeah, travel, I hope. Well they've half the
price of the old tests. Yep, some of them are free, aren't

(06:02):
they or something or not the PCartists. But yeah, the rapid ones
are the ones that you have tohave when you come back from a country,
depending on the country. Has gonefrom one hundred and twenty per person
to sixty pound per person. ButI just I'm gonna wait. I'm going
to wait until everything. It mightbe a while yet, but things are
bout no when I haven't got toworry about what, you know, if

(06:25):
it's in a danger zone, orif I need this vaccine or well no
I'm gonna have a vaccine. Sorry, if it's I've got to get this
test or that test, or quarantinethere or quarantine now. I just want
it to be just hassle free.And yeah, you can't afford it.
I can't take that. I can'ttake the finger up the ass again,
that's not that's not a COVID test, buddy. What but the chemist said

(06:46):
it was why are you doing it? In the chemist? Because he said
that, oh, yeah, we'vegot cheap, cheap COVID tests. Are
there only a tenor so, Ithought, well I might as well.
I'm here. Um, he justtook me around in this little room.
And what do you mean the analswab, because that actually is a thing.
No, no, it wasn't ananal swab. It was like he
just said he needed to check mytemperature, but he needed to do it

(07:09):
inside. Um, and apparently hisfinger is good enough to do that.
I didn't. I think it wasjust like when you hope the direction of
the wind by licking your finger,and yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah,
he just licked his finger and it'sput it in your arms. Yeah,
chunky finger. I must admit,it looked a lot bigger than it

(07:30):
did. It looked a lot biggerthan it did on his hand. Yeah,
it was. Apparently I'm fine.Apparently I'm fine. At least you're
fine, just having taken so longand they're for good forty five minutes he

(07:56):
said. He said it was takena while and he had to test enough.
I just wish he didn't need asecond opinion from his baby. What
I've been trying to say is evenwhen we you know, because we've been
out of work for so long,you know, I don't even have the

(08:16):
money to travel anywhere. No,no, no exactly, but I think
I'll have a way around this.I think a way around this. Yeah,
okay, So I was reading astory, um, just the other
day about this Welsh dude m whocalled Brian Robson who that's also not the

(08:37):
Fox footballer. Okay, Um,he was a Welsh guy and he was
in Australia in nineteen sixty five andhe didn't have the money to get home.
Back then, the flight was aboutseven hundred pound but actually that's simple.
Is that seven hundred pound equivalent tothe day's money. This isn't important

(09:00):
to the story, but still itwas expensive. It was expensive. It
was expensive, and he only madeforty pounds a month, so to them
that was like huge, Yeah,forty pounds a month. So he got
his friends there to put them ina package like a big crate okay,
like not like a big jiffy bagwith bubble rap, and they and they

(09:26):
and they air fared him home becausethat was cheaper. But obviously they couldn't.
They don't know if it was legalor illegal. It's definitely probably not
legally, definitely illegal. Yeah,So he promised his friends he wouldn't name
them. The thing is it wasmeant to run a bit smoother than it
did at one point, even thoughthere were stickers all over it saying this

(09:46):
way up. He definitely got puton his head for a bit. Wait
a minute, Wait a minute.So there wasn't enough room for him to
move in the box. No,no, what was he going to?
What position was he in? Sohe had a suitcase in there with him,
Yeah, and I think he was. It sounds like Addington Bear and
then a jar of marmalade. Sothe things the side of a mini fridge

(10:11):
that he packed it with pillows anda suitcase and a book of Beatles songs.
We're going to read that in adark a book of Beatles songs and
two boss going to read the lyricstoo, exactly two bottles, one for
wards, one for you and againit's dark. How will he tell which
one's which until he drinks it?Anyway, My voice is tired. That's

(10:35):
not Welsh accent. Maybe, boyall, I can't do so, but
I've some these songs. We wegotta went my whistle, so we've got
put on his head. But alsothe flight got diverted. It was meant
to go straight, Yeah, fromMelbourne to London. Um, it was

(10:56):
nailed in as well, so hecouldn't even get out with someone expecting him.
On the other side, no onewas the flight is full, so
Robson was transferred to a pan Amflight that instead took him to LA Right,
So it was going from Australia tola then to London. So it
took days as opposed to you know, one other one day, Jesus Christ.

(11:18):
It's basically the FBI found him,I know, so a customs officials
found him and then he was interrogatedby the FBI. Jesus the body in
there with a copy of Beatles songslyrics, Yeah, and then they master
plan master terroriffs Beatles lyrics and abottle of pissum homesick. He just wanted

(11:43):
to get home. He couldn't affordto so, yeah, because it's a
long flight from Australia and now it'slike about twenty hours, isn't it exactly?
I've done that. But basically thereason the story came out is because
he's trying to UM's trying to doit again. He's trying to get back,
He's trying to find his Irish friendsthat helped him. Oh, I

(12:07):
see, you can't name them theyone's called Paul and one's called John.
Um wait a minute, No,they're not called Paul and John. They
are called Paul and John. No, not the Beatles. The Irish Beatles
sent him back. That's where Johnis. Just make sure you play Irish

(12:31):
songs and move over bedeven Oh mygod, that's brilliant. So then they
just anyone with an accent. He'srusky, so he probably thought Russian terrorists
with the Beatles book. Definitely.Yeah, spy actually a head for a

(12:56):
long time, just on his head, and he passed out and feeling in
his limbs, try trying to drinkand just like water going all over his
face or pissing on his own faceor noise to piss again. I knew,
I knew I'm sending him own forfree. So it's right in the

(13:18):
end. Well, they're probably like, we don't want this weirdo here,
hold yourself in half. That Imean, yeah, I mean that reminds
me, honestly. Do you rememberages ago we went to the shops.
I knew you were visiting my assback where I was living. I can't
where it was Canningtown. I thinkthat everyone's always visiting your ass, the

(13:39):
doctor, the guy in the chemist. But we went to the shops and
I remember being like, oh,I'll make us, I'll make us little
subs, little little subs with FrenchFrench bread. Yes, I remember remember
this. Yeah, So I gota French got a French stick um baghett
stick and as you know, thegood length and go after the counter paid

(14:03):
for it, and then the linkout was it a little like it was
a little yeah, but the checkoutperson just sort of scanned it picked up
and then like you know how likewhen you're trying to break down would or
like something, so you break itover your knee. Yeah, she she
did that with my biget, Likehe broke it in half. It wasn't

(14:28):
even a perfect half. It wasn'tthere. It was just and then stuffed
in the bag. And I waslike, what the fuck? I was
going to make that into thirds?Like how does she can't now? But
even if it also don't assume thatyou even want it half? What if
you wanted to create like the biggestbiget ever? Yeah, just I've just

(14:52):
paid for this and just broken it. Like what the policy? I don't
know it was very That's why Ibag myself. Now, well I was
bagging myself. That was the confusingthing. Never forget that I was in
east Ham, wasn't it. Yeah, well even that or count Own,

(15:13):
I can't remember. I think itwas East Easter. Yeah, there we
go. Anyway, we've probably spokenfor long enough and then we've got a
big, big section coming up soon. Sex. Yeah. So yeah,
so it's signed for my highlight ofthe week, sure, highlight after weeker

(15:39):
highlight. The welter. We wentto the pub the first time about six

(16:04):
months. The other day he satoutside a lovely beer and I forgot how
much I hate the general public.It's not a high night, yeah,
but the beer was good thing.That's try well, Paul, it's time

(16:27):
for me and you to sound awkwardagain. It certainly is. But before
that, he's a podcast promo.Oh fuck them? Do you love true
crime but are looking for something different? It sounds like a sitcom. It
does banders the kind of assholes teachyou probably leave them a little. Do
you like learning about cases so offthe wall? They can't possibly be true?

(16:51):
Her wig is enormous, but itis lifted off her head by a
monkey. Do you love history butwant to hear about what they didn't teach
you in school? Let's just goingto say almost where you hang your horns
sign. Do you like laughing awkwardlyabout cases that are bizarre and a little
strange. I'd be able to wieldso many notes little arts. Then we

(17:15):
have the podcasts for you. Joinme Lindsay and me Madison for you Old
Crime, where we discuss the funny, strange and obscure crimes of yesteryear.
Listen every Wednesday wherever you get yourpodcasts, and we'll see you next time
with another tale as old as Crime. Today's podcast is presented by Podgo.

(17:37):
Podgo is the easiest way for youto monetize your podcast, providing podcasters with
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(17:59):
dot coo Oh, and be sureto add our podcast in the how did
you hear about Podco? Section ofthe application. Now on with the show
right now, It's time. AsRyan alluded to just before that it is
time for suck on My Big FatDictionary with a twist. Oh yeah,

(18:21):
so a couple of weeks ago,well they play the music and then oh
no, okay music. Oh yeah, baby, I've got so much knowledge
for you. Let me spream mywords into your mouth. Empty my caba

(18:47):
bars, let me be saurus,your brains out o. Let me see
lap down my twelve in dictionary,big fat diction. Now you can speak

(19:17):
hello and welcome to suck on MyBig fat Dictionary. A few weeks ago,
Nikki from in Bed with Nicky podcastsent us a couple of sexy scripts.
Um. These are real sex storiessent by real people with the names
changed to protect them, to protectthe guilty an um. And we felt

(19:40):
it was a little quite quite asuccessful segment that week and funny even if
it had leave my family a littleuncomfortable. Yeah no, he left everyone
I know a little uncomfortable. Butthat's half the fun. That is half
the fun. What's the other half, James? What's that from fate?

(20:00):
So we've got a coin again.I don't know why holding up to the
camera because you can't see, butit is a tenpence piece. So um,
the best coin in Paul, Paul, would you call it um?
So whatever you call that means you'lldo if you if you win, you
do you go first. If youlose, you go second. No.

(20:22):
No, if it's heads, I'llcall let's say if it's if it yes,
I'll go first. If it's ifI win, yes, I'll go
tails. Okay, it's heads,Okay, so you okay, all right,
here we go. I have beenhorny for days. Hold up,

(20:42):
before we start, I just wantto explain for people. We are reading
this for the first time. Wehave not read these. We're reading these
absolutely verbatim, and so we're hearingit as we're reading it. So enjoy.
I have been horny for days,and after masturbating wildly for twenty four

(21:03):
hours, Jesus, wow, that'sso. I just I decided it was
time to get fucked. Wading ChristopherLee, I don't know my Sara man
with a withered staff. My boyfriendwas well way minutes ago. Yeah,

(21:26):
it's definitely a guy. I justread the next line. My boyfriend was
at work. Well, I waspumping my clips before shaving my pussy to
day. It turned into a kindof elderly high class lady I was pumping
my clips before shaving my pussy today. I wanted to make things exciting,
so I sat on my dildo inthe shower a while I pulled apart

(21:49):
my pussy lips to shave. Iwanted everything so smooth, because today I
was treating my little count. GoodGod. Last night, in the froze
of passion, I texted my exwith a huge cock. I texted my

(22:11):
ex with a huge cock because Iwas dreaming about his soft tongue all over
my clit while rubbing one out.What did you make a mistake? Rubbing
one out? Is sorry? Standingout? Rubbing one out? My man
also with a fat cock? Wasshe has the type? Then? Yeah,

(22:36):
my man also with a fat cock, was asleep in the next room.
What is in the next room isanother bedroom or the living room?
Was a big yeah on the couch. She's an upper class. Later,
after all, we've decided to haveall I'm hearing is high since bouquet.
Now, yeah, leading of thehouse talking. I'm just rubbing one out.

(23:02):
So yeah, So my man alsowhere a fat cock, was asleep
in the next room. So she'stexted her ex. He responded. This
morning told me to call him nextweek next time I'm feeling horny. I
texted him today because I could notstop daydreaming about his soft tongue running over
my clip. We've made plans tofuck. My boyfriend gets home from work

(23:25):
to my smooth, pussy dripping gruel. Oh holy, ever gets his gruel.
Oh my god. I grabbed histhick cock and slide down on top
of it. It felt so good. It's perfectly thick and curved to hit

(23:45):
my g spot just right. He'sfucking me super hard and aggressive. I
love it. I'm grubbing my clip, feeling myself about to climax. He
pulls out and shoots his load allover my body, on my titties,
on my stomach, under my pussylips. He keeps beating his dick on

(24:11):
my count until he can't. Hecan't take it anymore. My clip is
still erect and begging to be sucked. No dice, he said, no
dice. Oh God, I knewI still had plans to fuck my ex.

(24:33):
At six six thirty rolls around andI'm getting my pussy finger bang until
I'm squirting all over this man's door. So he stopped and then shoved his
big mushroom tip straight into my littlehole. It's very visual. He's graphic.
This makes a lot more graphic thanthe one we did a couple of

(24:56):
weeks ago. Yeah, I was. I was moaning, like I have
never heard myself moan. The magnumwas too tight for him, so,
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, isthe large, large size of condom,
right, that's what I thought.I think it is. Never had to
buy them. No, the magnumwas too tight for him, so he

(25:18):
took it off and ate my couciinstead. That's that's the ass. How
isn't it? I look it up? Cooci c O c h I E
co. Maybe not. No,We've got we got a check. We
need to know chea, we needto know this. Okay. My thighs
gripped his head as my back archedduring the fifteen second orgasm. Fifteen seconds

(25:42):
you have to seconds. Then it'sa silent for a little while. Okay,
maybe not. My pushy was throbbingso hard I had to lay still
for five minutes on my way home. I was still horny. Jesus Christ,

(26:03):
this is there is She needs tohelp, you know, she needs
to get satiated. Yeah, Iwas gonna say. I drove around and
played with myself for twenty five minutesthan she pulled over. Yeah, for
twenty five minutes before I called anotherman. Jesus Christ. This man has

(26:25):
filled my pussy numerous, numerous times, and I knew he'd be down for
some gruel. Running down his bowlswas the word gruel. I squirted three
times driving there, I took myshots off so my pussy would be ready
for action under my dress. Knock, knock, pussy. We immediately go

(26:52):
upstairs and he finger bangs me.My pussy is exploding like a geezer or
a geyser. I think it's aguy. Here's a guy. Is enormous.
Dick gets hard. They're all gotmassive dicks, these guys. You
know, isn't she enormous? It'sthe only circus she goes in. Enormous
dick gets hard enough to slam inmy colchi until I squirt some more.

(27:17):
I mean, I'm guessing, youknow, the car seats must be ruined
by now. I'm guessing whatever underwearshe was wearing just a state. Um.
Yeah, she's got a lot ofexplains here. When she gets home,
she does bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, why where are you
sure? You look like you've beenin a car accident as well? Happen

(27:41):
to the car. I'm getting offthinking about how I'm such a nasty little
hole taking three dicks in one night. I told him to eat my pussy.
Next, I again pulled the thighgrip while my soaking wet vagina throbbed
and dripped hot grueled down to myasshole. This is quite a long one.
This is almost almost over. Ilove being a dirty whore. I

(28:04):
considered a fourth on my Jesus Christ. I consider a fourth on my way
home from the third to be foranother excursion. Hey, oh my god.
Right, well, I'm just tiredlisten like listening. Yeah, but
you must be tired saying it.She must be. She must be exhaust

(28:29):
really as she was twenty four hoursof constant masturbation. That is no worrying
then, yeah, clearly, rightover to me, over to you.
This is number two, number two. Right. My girlfriend tells me that
she used Scottish gelf. My girlfriendtells me she used to work as Elsa

(28:52):
for parties. Unless she still hasthe costume Elsa. Okay, right,
She laughs at me when I askedher to find it and put it on.
She giggles that she leaves the room. I wait anciently on the couch.
Couch not couch couch. I hearher singing, let it go.
She makes her way down the hall. Guys, she had the whole set

(29:17):
up. She even dad our makeup. I stand up and hold my arms
out. She comes in for ahug and we dance. As she finishes,
singing, that's nice, least likenice. He lets her finished the
act. That's yes, let's finishits respect. There we go, it
is, it's wholesome. That's whatthat is. Yeah. As she finishes,

(29:40):
she looks up at me and Igive her a kiss. I quickly
turn her around and bend her overthe arm of the couch. I flip
up her dress and pull her thongto the side. He waiting now to
her, Now that was literally likedancing. Let it go, gives her
a little kiss. I love you, darling. Let her blow. So

(30:00):
she slipped over the couch, skirtup. Okay, tongue to one side.
Right well, I spit in myhand and put it on the top
of my duck. It's a fuckingaccent. Sorry, I've started to all
finished, okay, And I putit on the top of my deck because
I shove it into a pushy shed. The dick I'm getting. Yeah,

(30:22):
he looped up. Yeah yeah.She lets out a gasp, followed by
by by a moan. Her gasp, isn't it? That's it right?
She's given her no time like hehasn't a little woman. Maybe maybe she
loves singing a lot. Yeah.Anyway, she's moaning loudly and screaming my
name as I'm sucking her into thecouch so hard that it's scooting across the

(30:47):
floor. She's still singing, no, no, she's sing let me go,
no God. Now I pressed myselfagainst her and grind her hops into
me. As I come deep insideher, I take a step back and
watch her. She's breathing heavy,my comb dripping out of her and down
her still twitching legs. She looksback at me and says she tries to

(31:11):
stand up, but her legs giveout. I catch her and gently place
her onto the couch. I caughther. That's that's romantic couch. Ruin
the couch. It's always a ruinedthe couch in these stories. Again,
she asked, as I don't knowwhy I made her polish again, she
asked. As I reach up underher dress and pull off her underwear,

(31:33):
I throw her legs over my shoulderand start pounding into her weight. Throw
her legs over my shoulder shoulders sothat makes more sense. He literally just
finished, like I know, well, he wants to go again. I
mean again, stamina. That's theScots for you. That's the Scots.
Never give up, never surrender.Yeah. Yeah, I throw her legs

(31:55):
over my shoulders and start pounding intoher. I reposition her legs and put
her feet my hips. I lickedmy thumb before rubbing her clut. Her
hips starts shaking and the whole bodyarches as I'm up. As I make
her orgasm, I pull out ofher and grab her by the back of
her head and shove my dicker hermouth and come womenute. Isn't she wearing

(32:16):
a wig? Though, I'm assumingmaybe she's blonde? Yeah, all right,
oh, he said, head nothair, so wig. Possibly We're
in right. She's staring me inthe eyes as I fill her mouth.
She waits until I'm done coming,and then she slowly pulls away her lips,

(32:39):
making a popping noise as my cockleaves her mouth. Well, I
go, she goes to penis.She opens her mouth and lifts her tongue,
showing me all that come in hermouth before swallowing the end. There's

(33:06):
no the end. I've just hadto put the end in because for me,
I feel like that story has endedabruptly. But it did end quite
abruptly. She sounds like she's veryeasy to please, or he sounds or
eager to please. Yeah, maybelike on the ulcer costume that she uses
their kids parties. Disgraceful, thosepoor kids parties with the parents, Like

(33:30):
what's that staying in your dress,wigs a little messy, yeah, clumpy
in places, and then like kindof singing the songs, doing all the
stuff, and they look over andher boyfriend's just like just looking weirdly over
the fencer. Yeah, I'm gonnahave you later. I mean, he

(33:53):
might not be scarnish all I've madethat up. I guess what his advice
would be when she after having theparty and sorry, after having having all
the messy sex, like, whatam I gonna do? Look at the
state, He's like, conceal,don't feel don't let them know what are

(34:22):
you singing into the unknown? Intothen said he didn't venture there. It
was all quite quite tame. Wellthere we go. Um, so yeah,

(34:42):
that wasn't a word game. ButI guess you at home can can
suck on our big fat dictionaries.All right, Well, now it's time
for another episode of Hardy's Hardest Hats. I guess now he is having his
last crusade at the moment, likeI think, is this a trilogy?

(35:05):
This is the second of three,I believe, I guess, so yeah,
I guess we'll find out. Soyeah, howdy, how hard?
How hard? How hard? Ishe? Fucking? Oh? What is
your fucking app mate? Hello andwelcome to another episode of Hardy's artists Ats,

(35:31):
the show where hatterliness is next toGodliness. As always, I'm your
host, Tom Hardy from Easyburgh,Roogy Piggy Boy of Company Blinders last week,
and me and my rumby tumbly muscularbaby boy Junior formerly known as Bain
before I discovered he was the appleof my eye. I've set out on

(35:52):
a quest to recover the most sacredof rats, the hourly heart of Jesus
Christ. And Jesus Christ. Aswe get into a pickle captured by Nazi's
caught in a fire, and thenmaking our way to Berlin to recover my
journal. It was propermental in it. I ain't seen that much commotion since

(36:13):
I've visited the Capitol Building in Washington, DC. Right, So I met
Hitler, and even though I ain'ta fan, it was hard not to
be a little bit star struck.Junior then snapped the few of his neck,
which even the best chiropractor won't beable to fix. You should have
seen the look on his face.Priceless. Didn't see that coming, did

(36:36):
you? Your charlie chaplain want tobe fuck? Then we had to make
a mad dash to escape. Sowe boarded the drillable, a defibitual a
direction, a big fucking balloon thing. Hopefully it's a smooth flight, because
all I've eaten is some sacraw andit's doing laps in the insides. Next

(37:00):
table are gonna hate me. Ohyeah, I'm trying to read this newspaper,
but fuck knows what it says?All great to me? That would
be German gott and tag a hardhear. I'm stagging mainly here? What
tickets? Please? No ticket?Yeah? And he said something about my

(37:35):
ear. The judgmental pricking. Youknow, boy, sharing this adventure with
you is fucking exhausting. It's notthe only thing we've said. You mean
the Austrian crumprit. I hope Idon't get any more future offspring from her
ark at a covenant, Dad,that's disgraceful. What did I do?

(37:59):
I'm as human the next man,I was the next man? Well what
does that say about you? Yeah, naughty boy. I can't remember the
last time me and you had adrink as father and son. Well,
that awful Junior already found out youand my son a couple of weeks ago.
Yeah, and you've been handled itwell. For the short time you've
been my dad, you've been alousy father. You watch that lip,

(38:22):
Sonny, Jim, you ain't tooold for me to stick you over morning
and give you a good saying too, Junior, don't call it junior.
Oh cool? You are fucking lark. Mary. I brought you into this
world and I'll bloody well take youout of it. I'd like to see
you try. I'm twice your sizeonly because a camera ang goes. Yeah,

(38:42):
you dragged us all the way toBerlin for a book and you won't
even tell me what we needed for. But I didn't tell you to kill
Hitler. No, but you didfind it funny. It was hilarious.
But that's not the point. Dothis. Don't do that. You care
more about Pats than about me,because that's the whole point of this fucking
show. How else would I getpaid a six figures salary. Hey,

(39:06):
Paul didn't remortgage his home and Ryandoesn't do three jobs for me to not
test hats. Dad, be quiet? You fucking what right? That's it?
Drop your trousers and get over mylap. No, Dad, the
airships turning around. We're going backto Germany. Oh bullocks, Come on,
Dad, put off way through mynikeabook of Glory. Fucking god,

(39:32):
bloody O it's Wendy. I'm appressed. How secure that for? Doors on
your head? Hey? Wait aminute? Can you fly this thing?
Fly? No? Land? No? What what's the next stroke of your
master plan? Then crushing this plane? Hey he did it again? Oh

(39:53):
no, they're in planes now.Oh. I think I'm gonna message Schmid
myself. Fuckers d fire the machineerhappen? Oh yes, this is gonna
be tasty. I'm some of Iget break. I think you cannot break
the Yeah never who I am?Bum chump bukaty man? Oh shit,

(40:22):
um, what happened? Did weget hit? I'm sorry sudden they got
us revering? Damn. I knowit's Monday, but that Sunday is coming
back. Hi, fucking next timeon aunties artist hats. They're shooting at

(40:46):
us. Ain't new, dad,It's a new experience for me. Happens
to me all the time. We'reon the brink of an important discovery.
I suddenly remembered my Charlemagne, thebirds, the rock. You can suck
a floppy cocks, Sartie bars,Artie birds, Salah, I said,

(41:06):
no camels. That's five camels,cancer camps. Compensation for my brother in
law's car and as an apology forme banging his wife. You've slept with
my sister? Oh shit? Yeah? Did I forget to mention that?
Tell me about this miserable little diaryof yours? The book is useless and
here to come back, all ofit to Berlin to get it. Why?

(41:29):
Why what are you hiding? Whatdoes the diary tell you that doesn't
tell us? What do you fuckingstop? Junior? I thought i'd lost
you, boy. I thought youhad to sir fucking to be continued,

(41:51):
mate, Everyone has a pointed everyonelikes to fail with you. Yes,
is that time again? For whydid they give them one? Start?

(42:13):
The one star movie review? Gameshow game? Because we play it and
show because it's it's it's on ourpodcast, fools. If you hear it
somewhere else, tell us and we'regoing to write them a strongly worded letter.
Last week it was like we're goingto go around their house, kick
the shit out of their kick theshit out of your neighbors, and they'll

(42:34):
deliver the message. This time it'sa strongly worded letter. I've been to
turn it down a little bit.Sorry, carry on. When we play
this game, we always bring aguest, but before the guest plays the
game with us, they have alittle interview. And today is no exemption
extemption exception. He's an actor,a performer, dramaturg, a writer,

(42:57):
performance artist. The guy is anartist's leave it there. His name is
David Hoskin. Who Hi, Higuys. Quite a grand a grand um
and fucking real grand. It's quitequite a grand introduction for for you there.

(43:20):
David M. Considering when I firstmet you, I was like,
what do you do? And youwent up because well, me and you
we met years ago. Now Iwant to say like maybe six seven years
maybe five five, five six yearsago. It's about four. But this
is maybe the effect of lockdown,because last year it feels like this kind

(43:45):
of weird, kind of I don'tknow, like we're all in our own
little black holes away. I meanto be fair, That shows though,
that what what you've kind of donein that time. I suppose if it
has only been four years, becauseI remember when I literally met you,
I thought it was just like,oh, you know you're in acting.
You're like, no, I'm justa bit of painting and stuff, and

(44:06):
I was like, oh cool,because we were both working at a tourist
attraction or not name. In fact, me and David we've worked at some
horrific jobs together and we have hada lot of fun in doing I'd like
to think of us as kind oflike soldiers in the trenches that like keep

(44:27):
each other's spirits high even though everythingaround us was fucking awful. But those
soldiers are dressed as sort of campVictorian eccentrics and or Jack the ripper.
Oh but yeah, tell us though, what have you you know, what
you kind of been what are youtell us stus about you, you know

(44:52):
what what you kind of even beenworking and what have you been sort of
like sort of working towards because Iknow you've been doing quite a few things,
like I've seen you do stand upand you know, I know you've
sort of gone on to do someimprovisation or sort of kind of work as
well, similar to myself. Soyeah, tell us a bit about about
that. I always, I alwaysforget. You are one of the few
people Ryan who has had the pleasureof seeing me attempt to do stand up,

(45:19):
not just once, multiple times.It was good, it was good,
your voice went. No, Ijust want to I want to specify
as well, for anyone who listenedlast week I mentioned about seeing a friend
do stand up and bombing. Itwas not you, Okay, it was
someone else, because you know youdidn't see me bomb. Actually no,
I didn't see you bomb, butI've seen you do it a couple of

(45:42):
times, and to be fair,I always found it very very funny,
and so yeah, I just wantto specify because I did say it on
the last week's show. That.Yeah, I saw a friend do stand
up and they bombed and never didit again, where as you you kept
coming back. Yeah, I wentinto that hot and I shouted everyone for

(46:02):
a bit and then I yeah thatwas that was it. Then then Mark
didn't shoot me with the nerf gun. So it was a good gig.
It was, um, yeah,I think I've knocked that on the edge.
So yeah, hung, I've hunghung up with badge. I'm not
doing the stand up, but thethirty one gigs. Man, it was

(46:23):
a tough, a tough, roughstint and uh yeah, no, it's
a brave thing to do, though, it's a brave thing to do.
Like I mean because me and Paulobviously we've we've done sort of like the
comedy circuit a little bit um butalways as kind of as a as a
duo. And it's that kind ofthing of like if you if you do
bomb, you kind of I getto look at Paul and go and then

(46:45):
we can run off and hug eachother afterwards. Whereas when you're up there
on your own, you've just gotthe microphone and that's that's literally it.
Yeah, It's just it's such astrange thing because like I I was listening
to podcast with an improviser, MattBessler, talking about when he first did
stand up, and he says thathe's like, man, if you don't

(47:07):
hit those kind of highs and thosefirst few shows, it's like, I
have no idea how you'd be ableto like come back to this, And
he's right, because like, Ididn't hit those highs in those first few
shows, and it was it was, it was rough. Maybe after about
my seven I remember seventh, seventhgig, I had like a decent gig.

(47:27):
I possibly you even saw it actually, and it was the one after
that. I did almost the samematerial and it just tanked, like and
I found it so hard to kindof get my head around why it was
so the results were so vastly different, even though hindsight you can kind of
piece it together, but at thetime I was so like, I can't

(47:47):
understand that. That night, Iwas so stressed out by the whole thing.
I woke up and I'd given myselfabout three mouthulficers from the stress of
the experience. O Jez and Ido like twenty nine more. Yeah,
one idiot, idiot, But yeah, so I don't I don't think I'll

(48:07):
been venturing back to that, butit was definitely it was definitely well worth
giving it a shot. Absolutely,yeah, No, definitely, it's very
It's extremely admirable. And I think, you know, even if it's not
something you carried on the fact thatyou even attempted it, and you did
more than attempt it, you did, like you said, you did like
thirty odd gigs, that's very admirable. So yeah, I think it's definitely

(48:28):
something you should be proud of becauseI thought I genuinely enjoyed it. I
genuinely enjoyed what you did. Ithought it was very funny, very unique,
and very different, and compared tosome of the some of the ship
I've seen, it was it wasmediocre to good at best. Alien Anyway,

(48:51):
christ Paul, I have to youknow, you, me and Paul
have seen some terrible stand up together. Me and Paul once saw a stand
up. She did a set whenno one laughed, she kept on referring
to a mate in the audience,and it was really really awkward, and
at the end of it she kindof just went, you know what,
fuck you all and then just walkedoff the stage and didn't come back for

(49:15):
the duo segment that was meant tohappen between her and the other host at
the end, Oh god, feelthe room with that kind of to the
point where the compare had to comeon and be like, I don't know
what's going on, but I guessI'm going to join in. The most
that the most bizarre thing I encounteredactually on for the year or so I

(49:40):
did. This was as a venueout in East London, so West London,
and there was there was one itwas I had a I didn't have
a good gig, and there wasa guy of something the front row who
looked like, you know, Idon't know, like vomited out like a
sort of like it was cosplaying asone of for tell Is. Like he

(50:01):
was this kind of weird sort oftwo thousand and one indie man and with
a real bad attitude, like hewas just sitting on the front sort of
scowling, and we're kind of heckleas well. Which there is like one
thing that's really cool about like doingstand up comedies, but the other people
you do it with at the startanyway, that everyone's just like just that

(50:22):
they've got so many wounds from fromthose first sort of like a hundred shows
that everyone's sort of like, yeah, there's actually quite a nice camaraderie that
comes with it, and you don'theckle each other like it's so it's so
not done. It's really like theetikut is like you just don't do that.
It's not we're all in the sameboat, even if some of you
are maybe like hitting it a bitmore than others, like just be a
bit respectful. But this guy waslike actively heckling me. It was like,

(50:46):
what's going on? This is guy'sreally mean. And he came up
and started doing his set, andthe first thing he did was he was
like, all right then so andthen he went first things first, going
to just do this, and heripped off like a kind of tie dye
throw that was like when placed bythe compare over a over like a TV

(51:07):
screen that was on the wall,and he wrapped around his head. He
went, what's this? Then hewent and he's like, there's a Muslim
on acid. And that was thereaction of the room guard and he went,
oh, come on, come on, lighten up. And he had
like one mate in the front row. It was sort of like with bated
breath like sort of laughing to himselfa minute or so of just aggressive,

(51:31):
hateful comedy, kicked out by everyone. Everyone was like a mate, get
off, we hate you. You'relean, and he was like ah,
and then his mate was like filminghim as he left. He was like
just being kicked out of another anothercomedy show. Because I've been policed,

(51:54):
I can't say what I want anyway, Thanks for subscribing. Watch before my
tune in next week for my nextshow, my next hot take. And
it's like, what the actual fuckis this a toss up? You know?
It just oh my god, itwas so weird, Like it was
just it was so weirdly probably hasthousands of subscribers on YouTube. Yea,

(52:17):
yeah, I mean my next videoon bated Breath. Absolutely. I mean
the guy, the guy clearly spendsa lot of mother or mustache wax,
so he needs a lot of Patriotssubscribers to get to get that cash.
It's probably their like best mates withLawrence Fox or something. You know,
it was Lawrence Fox videoing, Sowhat have you? What have you been

(52:40):
up to? Post that? Then? Like you know, what what what
what was your next move after kindof going fuck? Stand up? Well,
to be honest, it was alwaysit was something that was happening kind
of in the background, like beforeI started doing anything sort of resembling acting
or in any shape or form,I basically I moved from the art world

(53:04):
into doing improvisation. So it's essentiallystudied and been in numerous sort of improvisation
shows and part you know, differentteams for about seven years now. So
first and foremast I've sort of youknow, I think more like I'm more
an improviser than anything really else.So that was always happening sort of alongside

(53:27):
this kind of dipping into these differenttypes of performance and types of writing.
So that essentially has continued and hasnow kind of strengthened and through throughout Lockdown.
The team I'm part of, itsteam called Rhinoceros, we've been sort
of working on some new like anew project to try and sort of you

(53:47):
know, keep the keep the improvwheel turning over online platforms, which is
was a challenge to begin with,to be found like a nice kind of
new format that we've been working on, and there's like an end of result
that's like i'd say, not toofar off sort of essentially an improv an
improv podcast based around sort of atherapy session. So that's one thing that's

(54:09):
been going on which has been likereally actually surprisingly exciting. Because I didn't
if you ask me this question ayear ago, if do you think how
do you think the improvisation would becontinuing during all this time, I would
have been like, well, it'sdead. It's dead for me, and
I'm not going to do it.I'm going to make my return back to
stand up That's what I But yeah, but it's but it's actually been like

(54:34):
genuinely really surprisingly fulfilling and yeah,like it was making sure you work within
the medium that we were a partof that was obviously the online the online
streaming services and whatnot, and yeah, find to find a new way with
that, and so that's been reallycool, really cool to keep sort of
going with that, and so thenjump back into the real world, which

(54:54):
would be happening in a couple ofmonths. Fingers crossed. It's like so
excit to come back and do actuallylive improvisation in front of a crowd.
Like I'm like, I've never beenthis up for me in my life,
Like I'm so I just can't waitto do that. To be so cool.
It's a weird thing, isn't it. Like I think I feel like
about six months ago, all performerswere kind of in this state of like,

(55:19):
what what's going on? Well,what's going to happen? Like everyone
was kind of a bit worried ofus, just sort of like where is
this all going to lead to?You know, when things do open back
up again, are all theaters justgoing to be like, you know,
locked off completely? Is like performancejust going to be a dead art?
Whereas now I feel like a lotof performers have taken you know, myself
and Paul included, We've been takingit in our stride to kind of do

(55:44):
what we can with what we've got. It's almost it is almost like you
know when you think of like famousdirectors when they first made films and they
were like, yeah, you've gotlike under quid make a movie, and
then they come out with Jaws,you know, stuff like that. It's
kind of that, you know,when you when when you get given less,
you kind of you work harder towardssomething and it ends up actually coming

(56:07):
out quite well. But yeah,I think there is a genuine kind of
excitement now. I was near tosort of like what could happen when things
go back? Things might actually theremight actually be a positive twist talking of
things being made in lockdown, You'veactually been part of a I mean,
I guess what it is now?Is a radio play? Was it always

(56:28):
intended there's a radio play or wasit intend to be something live as well?
Yeah, so you are referring toto the hit show fucking hell.
So I was. I was partof a production at Vault Festival just as
the pandemic hit, and it wasa it was a play broadly speaking of

(56:52):
play called Gorgon, a horror Storyand it did really well, a really
great show. It was a realit was a real challenge. It was
like multi rolling and it was sortof theater in the rounds and it's sort
of there were parts actually like alittle bit more interactive and things like that,
and it was it was a reallyinteresting and really sort of bold,

(57:15):
bold show to be sort of liketo be put on by by the writer,
director and performer Elf lyons Um.And it you know, people liked
it and it was it was itwas a joy. It was it was
an exhausting joy, but it wasit was a Yeah, it was super
memorable experience. And it is itbased on the Greek myth, you know,

(57:37):
bit of Medusa and stuff like that, is it or it kind of
is just loosely based on cheese?Um, it's it's it's there's like underpinnings
of that kind of Gorgon myth inthere, for sure, Okay, But
it's sort of more about a sortof taxidermist who has a really bad day,

(58:00):
right, okay, Yeah, andit takes inspiration from the grand I
don't want to ruin anything in itbecause yeah, yeah, sure. I
think one of the pros to itjust being on this two week run of
yeah, just two week run atVault Festival, and now it being in
this new form that not everyone knowsexactly what happens in during during the show,

(58:25):
So I'm reticent to get too muchaway. That's that's smart, okay,
Okay, that's that's fair enough,fair enough. But if you had
to, if if you had to, you know, if you had to
give a blurb for it, likeyou know, for example, Jaws,
I don't know what I'm talking aboutGeors again, but you know, it's
a great film. Hey, Butobviously you'd say Jaws is the story of

(58:50):
a of a killer shark. Youknow, three three three men on the
boat sort of thing, isn't itthree men in the boats? You know,
sort of like taking on a shark? Yeah, so what would you
what would you kind of what wouldyou be? Your synopsis? Is that
the right word? Synopsis? Soit's like a Grand Gugnole, um Italian.
You're gonna have to You're gonna haveto go bow back? What was

(59:12):
that? Right? There is acheese, isn't it. Um. It's
definitely French. It's basically during theI think it's the interwar period or just
preh no, I just think itwas inter war period anyway, ran then
old days, black and white days. In France. There was a series
of plays that was put on ina place called the Grand Gunnole, and

(59:34):
they were like sort of hyper hyperviolent plays um right. And there was
very simple yeah, simple stories thatwould have like, I don't know,
like the dentist and it'd be likethe sort of dentist that would go around
sort of like you know, puttingout everyone's teeth or whatever, and lots
of sort of like excessive gore tothe point where it was like kind of
ridiculous sort of um and the audiencewould be splattered and all this kind of

(59:59):
stuff, and it was all okay, hyper violent, but there was like
you know, threads of satire obviouslythat ran ran through it. It's sort
it has that kind of theatrical productionmixed with like the there was a movement
in Italy around the sixties and seventies, like Dario Agento is the most famous

(01:00:20):
director from this movement called the Jellofilms, and they're basically sort of like
they came from like pulpy fiction inItaly that were printed on really cheap paper.
Was it yellow paper? That's whatthey're known as Jellow is yellow,
So they were known as yellow films, and they have lots of really bright
stylized colors. Often it's about murderergoing around stabbing people, and it's all

(01:00:44):
like kind of you know, butthere's some like genuary really good films that
come out of it, and they'rereally beautiful and they kind of have like
their atmosphere is like is really otherworldly, and and the suspense is like really
like exciting. It sort of youknow, it kind of rivals great sort
of hitchcock suspense moments. Not necessarilythe films some of that sort of style

(01:01:05):
of suspense, and like when it'sexecuted like really really well some of these
Jello films did that, I wouldsay, yeah, Yeah. It takes
these two sort of inspirations and thenpops them into the body of a taxidermist
named Diana who has a really reallybad day, and it's about what happens
to her when she gets pushed toher limits by the people around her,

(01:01:30):
by ex lovers, by her family, and by her annoying flatmates. Okay,
very intriguing. I don't think youneed to say anymore. I feel
like, yeah, I can kindof imagine where it might lead, but
also the same time, not sowhere can people find the online version?

(01:01:52):
Yeah? Because it is it aradio play? Yeah, it has now
been turned into a radio play,so it's it sort of almost was like
slightly like a live radio play,theater in the rounds type thing previously.
Now it's obviously that side of it. What was kind of with Life Foley
and you know, was that kindof thing. It's now been dialed up

(01:02:15):
and the sort of sound design isincredibly detailed and so on and so forth.
But it is essentially a one offradio play. And you can find
that at elf lions band camp page, which is elf lions dot bandcamp dot
com. Amazing. We all havelinks in the show notes for people who

(01:02:36):
just want to click on a link. So yeah, because people, you
know our audience, they can belazy. You know who you are out
there, you know you are.I just don't want to rewind and press
play again, and to be fair, I don't either, So it makes
sense I'm one of them. I'mone of them, lazy people talking of
talking of finding things though, ifwe want to look at your face,

(01:03:00):
uh, and we don't want tobe doing it in a weird way by
looking for a window, um notjust your face, not just your face.
Would you look at um, whateveryou're displaying, whatever you're displaying to

(01:03:22):
get a peek at It's very kind. I'm quite fat now, so so
I'm easy to see from lots oflook at That's fine. Yeah, but
where can we if we wanted to, if we wanted to look at you
on Instagram? Twitter? Where canwe find you? I am on Twitter

(01:03:45):
at d Hoskin actor very I don'tthink I'm following you on Twitter. I
need to do that. I'm missingout now I'm gonna do that for both
Cold Callers and and and myself tod Hoskins Hoskin actor, sorry, stop

(01:04:05):
pluralizing him. There we go,and the Instagram is slash David Hoskin actor.
Amazing both of these I don't think. I'm I'm following several of your
accounts on Instagram that your personal onesto find these ones cool lovely stuff.

(01:04:31):
Well, with that, I thinkit's time to move on to our gamel
readings. David Hoskin and welcome towhy Do They Give Them One Star?
The one star movie review game.This is the game where Paul and Ryan
will each we doubt a one starreview from a particular movie. Those two
reviews will contain all the information youneed for you to answer what a movie

(01:04:54):
they have picked. If you getit one, we will make you do
improvisation, but instead of and good, you will have to say no to
everything that is given to you,and all of your comrades will hate you
for it. Then, once you'vehopefully answered correctly, it'll be your turn
to read out to two one starreviews for the film you've picked from.

(01:05:14):
There, the host must get itright or suffered the same shit improvisation skills
faint. That is one of mypet peeves doing improvisation. It's when you're
like, oh my god, Ican't believe we've landed on this alien planet.
No we haven't. No, we'renot. We're on Earth. Like,
oh okay, that's like, Iguess all the worst thing you can
do. It's pretty much. I'veliterally had that happen and I was like,

(01:05:40):
right, I guess we'll just standhere. Then, oh god,
I can't believe it. Can't believeyou broken down. Luckily, I'm a
mechanic. You're not fixed. Nofixed. Oh I guess we're not broken
down there anymore. Yeah, thisis insane. No though, it's I

(01:06:01):
lived awful. That's making my blood. It's like to sort of go around
the boy my body in the wrongway. I think I literally had it
where I was like, oh,because we're on this spaceship, we need
we need to fly this spaceship likewe're not a space ship. Oh god,
Then I guess I think I wentthen I guess I must be mental.

(01:06:21):
I'm mental, And I ran aroundthe room going I'm a crazy person.
The thing is like that is thatis actually a really good move to
sort of like show that that personwas being a dick, Like, yeah,
to be like, to be crazyin a scene isn't good. But
if someone goes, we're not doingthe thing that you've just said, then

(01:06:42):
you're like, well, fine,you deal with this thing. You a
crazy person. Everything they're going todo is not going to be grown dude.
It's gonna be like, it's gonnabe like, hey, let's go
over here, let's pick up thisbasket. It's not really a basket,
it's a load of snakes. Whatdeal with that? Because it's going to
be while you're making the dinner.I'm just gonna shit in the corner of

(01:07:08):
the room. Now, I'm goingto smear it on myself. So this
this is actually a true story.There was a guy I know who actually
in a show did a shit intoa that actually did a shit on stage
into a hat. And the directorwas like, that was amazing. That
was incredible. I don't think wecan get you to replicate that every night

(01:07:29):
though, So that was cut fromthe show. I don't know the details
of the hat. I remember Iwas hard enough. So I'm going to
go first. We've got two,We've got two reviews. You know we've
got possibly a third though, ifyou are struggling, but I don't think

(01:07:54):
I don't think you'll need and we'llsee, we'll see. Um. So,
firstly, I just want to saythe person who wrote my review is
called Harry Plinkett, which I thinkis a funny name. I'm not going
to say when this review was reviewed, but I might say it later.
If you do struggle, Okay,one star out of den baffling nonsense.

(01:08:15):
Take any of those countless obnoxious moviesthat rip off ground pug Day, add
reference to every obnoxious sci fi filmmade in the past decade. Then add
a bit of Matrix, Aliens andStarship Troopers and you get this stupid film.
Oh and don't forget feminist nonsense anddiversity in quotation marks. So yeah,

(01:08:36):
don't forget feminist nonsense and diversity irritatingand boring beyond belief. So yeah,
Harry Plinkett's a piece of shit.There's nothing I can't stay worse than
feminists and diversity as well. Howawful is that? Like, I hate
when the cast is diverse dance troupethat's called diversity there? Really, Yeah,

(01:09:02):
that's what I imagined when he saidthat they're not in it. They're
not in this film. We're awareof. You may have ideas, you
may have thoughts of what the filmis, but Paul, give us your
review. And then this is byRobert sand eight eighty nine thousand, seven

(01:09:24):
hun twenty nine. There was sucha good name. That's such a good
night. Get I get there wasanother eight. I guess there was eighty
nine thousand, seven hundred and twentyeight before him. I just like the
name. I'm thinking sad. There'sa surname Roberts. Either that or it's
Roberts And okay, guys, right, one start out of ten? Once

(01:09:50):
is enough. Tom Cruise dies tentimes in this movie. Fortunately I died
only once having to watch it.How's he writing? This interesting premise?
Goes off the deep end? Shouldhave called it Alien meets Time Machine a
real disaster? But Cruise is quitefunny? One star, great idea.

(01:10:15):
Cruise is hilarious. One star atten. But he's dead. He died
one, Yeah, he died.Yeah, he's writing this posphomy? What'd
you reckon, David? Any anyguesses, any ideas? I there's a
I have a feeling that there isof a recent Ish Tom Cruise film that

(01:10:42):
I haven't seen that I think thatthese people are speaking about. However,
I can't remember any of those titles. But when I do remember, he
was in that has a similar thingVanilla Sky, But I don't think it's
a Sky. It's not Vanilla's.I know this is a good guest though.
With the time and you know,sort of all over the place.

(01:11:03):
This film was like I mean,I want to say around twenty thirteen,
twenty fourteen. I think maybe twentythirteen, I think it was. He
had a couple of films come outthe same year. Yeah he did,
Actually, yeah he did. Hehad um one was we can say the
other time it was Oblivion one.That was the one I was trying to

(01:11:25):
remember. Oh man, did youhear the episode that Luke was on?
Yes, that's a good question.I don't think so. No, Okay,
go back listen now the afternoon.Oh man, I really, I'm
going to be honest, I don'tthink I'm going to get this, Like,

(01:11:46):
was he in that? No?That was Will Smith? Um?
Okay, right, I'll give you. I'll give you a clue. What
is um? Okay? What isuh? What's not? Today? But
the next day tomorrow. Yeah,yeah, no, okay, right,

(01:12:10):
Um, if if you're standing ona cliff and you go right towards the
end of the cliff, you wouldcall it tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah,
God, so you knew the filmexactly. It's a really good film.

(01:12:30):
It's really gonna recommend it's a goodfilm. Okay, cool and yeah,
highly highly recommend that if you ifwell, obviously you haven't seen it,
but to our audience you haven't seenit, highly recommend it as it's Um,
it's just it's just very well made, very well made. But based
on an anime comic. I don'tknow if I don't know if they ever

(01:12:50):
made a cartoon of it, Ithink, but there's definitely a book book
series of it. So I didn'tknow that. So there you go.
Yeah, loosely based on that.Anyone learned me something? Yeah you go,
I learned you or something? Isthat Tom Cruise? Yeah? Yeah,
that's Tom Cruise. Yeah, watchin my movie Tom Cruise playing jar

(01:13:13):
Jar binks. This emissions impossiball.Come on, Ethan, what right?
Okay, So you have a moviefor us. I believe that you have
two reviews I have, Yes,I know, I do. I'll preface

(01:13:35):
this. I do have two reviews. One of them I suspect is just
someone trying to be funny, SoI don't know anyway, I'll go with
the first one and we'll see wherewe are right. The title of this
review is All of the Animals DieKids with the opinions eleventh of July twenty
eighteen. I hated this movie.This is the first movie that I have

(01:14:00):
given an F because nothing in thismovie is good. Blank is a super
depressing movie about a suicidal Civil Warhero. The movie is way too long
and half of its just scenery,when if you live anywhere in the West
you can look outside your window.Also, another part that screws with me
is that the credits are ten minuteslong. The movie is Best Picture winner,

(01:14:25):
and it does not help the factthat it was nominated for twelve Oscars.
Now, the movie is made forpeople who like watching animals get killed.
You get emotionally attached to the wolf, horse, a dog, and
half the buffalo and get slaughtered.Screw you, Blank. The first animal
that you see dead is a dog. You see arrows in it. The
second animal that you see get killedis all the buffalo. Then you see

(01:14:46):
Robin Hood's horse get shot and burnedto the acting in Blank is so bad.
Everyone is a cardboard character. ButI will say Graham Green did do
a good job acting, and thatis the main reason I did not give
this movie an F minus. MaryMcDonald is a terrible character acting wise,

(01:15:10):
she is a cardboard character like everyoneelse. Also, she goes to a
wedding with the worst hair humanly possible. She looks like she was trying to
be Mel Gibson in Braveheart. Torecap. I hated Blank because how bad
the acting was, how super depressingit was, and how dumb of story
it is. F is my finalgrade for Blank. I think I know

(01:15:33):
this, but I'm not sure.I feel like we might need to hear
another review because I've got a guess, but I don't know if it's right.
It's just some of it, likeone of the things you said about
Robin Hood, and I'm thinking,I'm thinking it's this film, but I
want to be sure. So yeah, okay, well I read the second

(01:15:53):
one, but like I said,I am suspicious of the accounts known as
Sandwich with an underscore between each letter. So yeah, my second review,
this movie is rubbish. It isso rubbish that not even the likes of
James L. Jones wanted any partof it. Other notable actors of the
time that are not involved with thefilm because it was rubbish are Tom Cruise

(01:16:15):
and Judge Reinhold. This film isall about a man who travels on his
horse all the way out to thewestern area of the United States of America,
the USA in Brackets. When hegets there, he makes a little
hut for himself it becomes friends withthe locals. Loll. Yeah. The
rest of the film is just asboring as that. And there are too

(01:16:36):
many camp fires in this movie thatare created by rubbing sticks together because this
film is set in a time beforeanyone had invented lighters. If you watch
this film, you will feel verymiserable, like having too many peas with
your steak. I have watched thisfilm and I have come to the conclusion

(01:16:56):
that it is rubbish. It doesn'teven have any scenes where anyone blank,
which is probably a good thing becauseeveryone knows that wolves can't even stand up
without falling over. Yeah, letalone dance. It is what we thought.
Yeah wolves, Yeah, that's correct. Wolves can't even stand up,

(01:17:21):
let alone dance. Yeah, Iwas, so, I'm like this.
I love how he thinks dancing hasto be bipedal, like it has to
be, it has to be onthe hind legs. Yeah, well they
can't dance. They just can't dancein all four of the legs. Yeah,
he's well, he's thinking that,he's just picturing him foxtrotting, which
is this is a there's a badattitude. It's a bad attitude. But

(01:17:44):
I don't know. I was like, I'm gonna go check this person out
like this, there is this nonsensebecause it seems like it's like they're trying
to be funny or I don't know. And I did look at some of
the other reviews, and I don'tknow what's going on with Sandwiches, but
they are pretty damn consistent. Andthey also titled their reviews either it rocks
or it sucks, and and that'severy single one. It's like about one

(01:18:06):
hundred and forty reviews by this person. But so they do like some films,
Yeah, but it's literally one endthe the spectrum. Yeah, there's
no in between. Yeah, theydid like some of the stir Crazy loved
it it rocks, the Big Sleep, it sucks. It's boring. Boring
film I've ever seen made me wantto sleep. There was no one sleeping

(01:18:29):
in the film at all of sale. And everyone knows that sleep is neither
large nor small. It's equivalent tothe time you take. Um. Well,
that was that was very detending.Thank you very much, David.
It's been a pleasure. Once again. Where can we find you on the

(01:18:53):
on the Graham and on the Twitter. So you can find me on Twitter
at de Hoskin actor, Graham isslash David Hoskin actor and for Gorgan a
horror story that is on elf lyonsdot bandcamp dot com. The lions spelled
l y o n s l yo n s. Yes, lovely stuff.

(01:19:16):
It's been a pleasure. Thank youvery much, David. Yeah,
thank you for having me, guys, thank you, yes, thank you
David. What a guy. Yep, he's a trooper. He's an absolute
trooper. Check him out on thesocials and everything like that because he's a
Yeah, he's a funny guy.Yeah. Links are in the show notes.

(01:19:36):
Yeah yeah, yep, yep.But now it's time. It's time
for you at home. Correct,correct, and we've got a cracker.
Yes, but first of all,what was last week's correct answer? Last
week's correct answer was making time becauseI can't remember burning. Yeah, come

(01:20:00):
on, I'm just gonna have alook, keep stalling. Still knock knock,
I don't know, knock knock Jakes. Oh, now you're gonna say,
who so you ruined it of anything? Is Edged Tomorrow? Of course
it was? It wasn't It wasa quiet place. Who won the winner

(01:20:27):
from for that one was Sad fromthe So Horrified podcast, Well done,
well done. She was the firstone to message us, and she was
absolutely right with Edged Tomorrow. Welldone, Bung, well done. It's
a great podcast. We actually wereguests on their podcast not long ago and
we spoke about the I'm not gonnamince my words, the god awful film

(01:20:55):
Lethal Dose LD fifty L fifty lethaldose LD fifty lethal dost dost dose.
I hate that. It's like that'sthe initial and then actually saying what it
is. Yeah, I would say, um, go and watch it on
YouTube, but don't assist it's terrible. It's hard work. Yeah, go
listen to the podcast episode that wedid, and then you'll know about it,

(01:21:19):
and then you'll know about it.Scary Spice and scary sposell b and
who wasn't the worst actor in it? So that a right? Actually Tom
Hardy was fine, you know,he was gooding it as well. It
was kind of it was pretty prettypretty key well pre pre anything pre um

(01:21:45):
I'm sure, I think because hewas still pretty uh you know, the
clarity was still pretty good in Bronson, wasn't it, even though um,
I think he was like post postinception when when he when I think when
legend that when when he got hitby the mumbles? Yeah, I would
rather more well spoken when we're alittle bit Brian, but don't Yeah,

(01:22:15):
that was a bit more well spokenby anyway. Who and then it descended
into the mumble was married? Whocame second? Who came second second place
was Carrie Jones from Kentucky. WellDan, Carrie James from Kentucky, good

(01:22:36):
job, well down on that spot. You know what you get? You
get a nod. I congratu Terrynod here here it is for you.
It's a quick one and it wasit was aggressive with the reviews. Then

(01:22:58):
for you at home. Yes,so you want to play? You know
what to do? You contact uson Twitter at Cold Callers. Just send
us a tweet. You can youcan send us a direct message on Instagram.
We're at Cold Callers Underscore Comedy.You can send us a message on
Facebook just search for Cold Callers Comedy, or if you want to email as,
you can email us at Cold CallersComedy at gmail dot com. Yes,

(01:23:23):
but with the right answer whether yeah, yeah, I mean well,
I mean we're open to you're opento just messages and how how you know
if you're enjoying this show, whatyou like about it, what you don't
like about it? Let us knowwe're always happy to receive your emails.
No one else reads them but us. There is no one we don't have,
like a producer or anything that vetsthem exactly. Kevin, shut up,

(01:23:45):
No, you I know you doread them, but no, what's
the end of the table though,he's busy, right, I think you're
going to go first with this week'sreviewing it. Indeed, I'm going to
go straight into it. Okay,one start out of ten. This is
by the Ziggy Rim. I'm notsure how to pronounce that D D yeah,

(01:24:12):
D no no, no, rso Dziggy David Ziggy David Ziggy's room.
Anyway, A psychological freak show whollyinappropriate for children. M What in
their hell was that? More importantly, what has happened to Disney? The
movie is a reflection of a societywhose kids and parents are medicated and going

(01:24:36):
to endless therapy. Do not takechildren to this movie? Well, Disney
is surely rolling in his grave watchingthis tripe. Absolutely no racism in it
at all. He must be mad. That's not in this right. Compare
Snow White and Cinderella to this thing. God, Disney, he should fire

(01:25:00):
whoever created this movie and somehow trieddid we discover its roots producing wholesome,
non psychotic movies? Worst kids moved? Unlike? Yeah? What in Cinderella?
Yeah? Exactly exactly. Man kissescorpse in the woods in snow Way
and dances with a complete stranger,and that he hunts her down until he

(01:25:29):
until him Yeah, oh yes,yes exactly. How does he not remember
her face? I'm sorry, I'mthinking of sleeping beauty that she meets him
in the wood? Sorry, yes, yes, how does he? How
does he not remember what she lookslike? Yeah? I've got a chest
of shoe on on the on thesebirds feet. There's another way. There
must be another way. Face.There must be more people with the same

(01:25:50):
stape size feet as in that wholeKingdom. Yeah, just anyway, Yes,
worst could worst kids movie I've ever, Sorry, worst kids movie I've
seen since the Last Minions move,which was likewise offensive and mindless offensive.

(01:26:12):
Why child needs to know about subconsciousnightmares and scary clowns? What happened to
Dumbo? That was scary to meanyway? And the long legacy of Disney
classic This is a movie with littlesocially redeeming value. What happened to the
good old days when they had Dumbo? Yeah, there was slavery and family

(01:26:33):
friendly racism, but it was familyfriendly racism, therefore classic redeeming. Okay,
right, my review this is onestart at ten, the worst movie
ever. We've never heard that before. This review is called teen vn VU.

(01:26:59):
All we need is joy? Whatis that kind of mind? We
need? All the feelings that makeus be human? The important thing is
that you have to learn to controlyour feeling, not run away from it.
What kind of a life that justfull of joy? What a boring
life to me? Then? Nowafter this, now I don't understand anything

(01:27:19):
that you say. Now, afterthis movie, people will have more reason
and person to blame for their failure. Good job, Pixar, So they
spelt Pixar two exits so that theybe pixarig clue as well. You're welcome.
I'm going to rate this movie isthe worst movie that Pixa ever made.

(01:27:42):
She just can't play the game becausethree dumb guys in her head can
put the ball to the right place. What the hell is that kind of
situation? Now, kid can havemore reason to blame when they fail or
doing something wrong, right because readdumb guys in my head make me like
that? Who you're three? Whatin your head? Wake up? Girl?

(01:28:05):
Time to grow up? Imaginary argumentNow with a child, there must
be the four dumb guys in herread or right there we go. You
know the answer. You know exactlywhat to do, Ryan told you just

(01:28:27):
before we read these reviews. Yeah, but just remind you Twitter, Instagram
they can can rewind it and listento that. Sorry. Yeah, and
it's in our show notes anyway,it's our linked you'll find us don't.
Yeah exactly, but yeah, Ifeel like it's quite an obvious one this
week. But you know, welike to begin, We want to be

(01:28:48):
kind, so even even the idiotsat the back can fucking get it.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Oh Paul, I am shaking my
head right now. So okay,where we go. That is the end

(01:29:15):
of another fantastic episode. As always, We're back next week. As always,
if you enjoy the show, pleaseremember the rate review and subscribe.
Please remember that we have music outthere that you can download for free if
you wish, or you can purchaseif you wish to support enterprise, and

(01:29:35):
of course we have patreyon. Yeahsaid enterprise was very Patrick ste it was
it? So yeah, if youwant to give us anything on Patreon,
I got there first data Yeah okay, well yes, so yeah, any
help would be gratefully appreciated. Now, as we got all those badges.

(01:29:58):
Now, as we mentioned earlier inthe show, you know, if you
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stone cold coller. You can getyou can get a T shirt, but
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(01:30:21):
get extra content and none of theother plebs get exactly and there's some good
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(01:30:41):
how you can exactly. Um yeah, And if you can't be bothered to
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dirty out cab. We can't havethat here. Bye, it's the

(01:31:05):
new T shirt. Bye.