December 23, 2022 • 33 mins
HARDY'S HARDEST HATS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL PART 2
Part 2 of 2. We left Scrooge (Tom Hardy from 'Peaking F****** Blinders') reeling from the visit of the Ghost of Christmas Past. Now he must face two more spirits and change his wicked ways, or be punished and damned for all eternity.
With a musical score written and performed by us! Listen to it on Spotify.
DISCLAIMER: All characters, fictional and non-fictional in this show are completely made up. Any similarities to people, movie characters or muppets are purely coincidental. All celebrity voices are impersonated... poorly and the following episode contains many profanities so... you've been warned.
Merry Christmas to you all & thanks for listening!
Find Tom on Twitter at @HardysHardest
and on Instagram at @hardys_hardest_hats
As always, all OUR links to our socials are growing on a handy LINKTREE & you can get your hands on our lovely MERCH here - https://teespring.com/stores/cold-callers-comedy
We really need your support. We do this because we love it. But right now, due to current times, we’re really struggling. We want to be able to focus more energy into what you hear. And that’s where we need your help. From as little as £3, you can help support us and fund future, exciting content. All whilst getting exclusive bonus content that no one else can hear. So… Wanna be a patron? Here’s where you go - https://www.patreon.com/coldcallerscomedy
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cold-callers-comedy--4694450/support.
Part 2 of 2. We left Scrooge (Tom Hardy from 'Peaking F****** Blinders') reeling from the visit of the Ghost of Christmas Past. Now he must face two more spirits and change his wicked ways, or be punished and damned for all eternity.
With a musical score written and performed by us! Listen to it on Spotify.
DISCLAIMER: All characters, fictional and non-fictional in this show are completely made up. Any similarities to people, movie characters or muppets are purely coincidental. All celebrity voices are impersonated... poorly and the following episode contains many profanities so... you've been warned.
Merry Christmas to you all & thanks for listening!
Find Tom on Twitter at @HardysHardest
and on Instagram at @hardys_hardest_hats
As always, all OUR links to our socials are growing on a handy LINKTREE & you can get your hands on our lovely MERCH here - https://teespring.com/stores/cold-callers-comedy
We really need your support. We do this because we love it. But right now, due to current times, we’re really struggling. We want to be able to focus more energy into what you hear. And that’s where we need your help. From as little as £3, you can help support us and fund future, exciting content. All whilst getting exclusive bonus content that no one else can hear. So… Wanna be a patron? Here’s where you go - https://www.patreon.com/coldcallerscomedy
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cold-callers-comedy--4694450/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hard, He's hard. His hatsis brought to you an association with Cold
Callers Comedy. You can find ColdCallers Comedy on Twitter at cold Callers,
on Instagram at cold Callers Underscore Comedy, and on Facebook at cold Callers Comedy.
And if you head over to YouTubedot com forward slash cold Callers,
you'll find our music videos and comedysketches there. And if you can't be
(00:22):
bothered to do any of that,well, let's stop pulling your pud.
Stop thumbing you guys. He's stillasleep. It's been like that for two
days now. Looking look at hislittle legs going kicking away. He must
be dreaming. Must be dreaming.I wonder what he's dreaming about. Well,
he must be in a really sadplace right now, and his girlfriend
(00:42):
just left him. Imagine know whathe's dreaming? What hard? Hard?
(01:06):
What is your fucking hat? Mate? Scrooge was weary with the memories of
the past, and before he knewit, the clock struck two and a
second visitor made himself known. Othe fuck, who's there? Come in
(01:29):
and know me better? Man?Just let yourself in. What don't come
in? Man? I am in, dickhead. I mean calm in this
room. Well you should have beenclearer with that. Scrooge made his way
inside and was met with an unexpectedsight. Fuck here, Now you're a
big boy. Yes, I supposeI am rather large compared to you.
(01:51):
It's weird though, because you lookedlike that fella, oh you know,
the one he drinks things and knowsthings, sings high and went on a
quest to destroy a ring. ValKilma was in it way you joyed a
minute. Most of the people playingthe characters are people Tom has met,
right, Yeah, but Tom nevermet each tree Bain did. Don't poke
(02:12):
holes in the logic crying fine,just saying so are you? Then?
I am the ghost of Christmas presentpresents? Wicked? Did you get me
that stool toy I ask for?No? I mean, I'm the ghost
of present time. That's disappointing.So what do you want? I'm here
to show you the joy of Christmas, what you've been missing out on for
(02:34):
all these years? Oh yeah,or how are you going to do that?
Through the joy of soul? Ofcourse? Really? Come on,
you big sour course. Now,I find singing it a wonderful way to
express your joy, and singing itin the style of Elvis is even more
joyful the star of Elvis Costello orPresley. It's a time for hanging lights
(03:05):
and decorations, a time for stcrudding love, good will and sheet a
time for prisons and for celebrations,and a special time to keep your loved
one's knee. You can see itwhen you're walking down these car bull streets,
(03:28):
in the smiles of very passered byyour meet. Because it's Christmas,
It's christ must Christmas is their favoritetime of year. So let it fill
your heart, maybe crack a smile, maybe even feel some joy for a
(03:50):
little while. And if it feelslike love, then it can heal your
soul all around your feel the coldold southing mine, no old you fucking
work. It's a time for snowmen, and for cooking turkey, the
time for holding off as Christmas dus. Sometimes a snow can get a little
(04:15):
murky when you're snorting it right offthose nightclub LUs, those drug field nights
can get a little wild, butpails next to the excitement of a child.
Because it's Christmas, It's Christmas.Christmas is their favorite time of year,
(04:42):
So let it feel your heart.Maybe crack a smile, maybe even
feel some joy for a little wildand if it feels like home, then
it can heal your soul. Allaround your feel the cold old seldom mind
nor fool. And when you allopen up your heart, that's when your
(05:10):
journey can start. It's all toyou. You know what you have to
do. Let it feel your heart, maybe crackers smile, maybe even feel
some joy for a little wine andeven feels like love. Then it can
(05:32):
heal your soul. All rounds youfeel the cold, seldom mind nor gold.
So let it feel your heart andfeel my heart maybe cracker smile like
you smile, maybe even feel somejoy for a little wine, won't get
and even feels like love. Loselike like and they can heal your soul
(05:54):
or rounds your feel the cold seldommind nor fool. Wow, you know
that really? Did share me up? Is this what we're missing this whole
time? I know right, it'sso much fun. Let's sing again.
(06:15):
No, No, that's enough now, fuck me. This bloke is higher
and more in just life. Listen, show me more of what's so great
about Christmas? You got me onboard, big boy. What would you
like to see? Did the scriptClub Essa Square. I've always wondered if
they do a Christmas version of theshow. Well, there is that,
but I are about to be visitedsome of your family instead. Fine,
(06:43):
this is my nephew's gaff. Youknow, he played Fall's brother. Who
are these people with him? Thatthere is? His wife doesn't look familiar.
I dropped my fork. I'll justbend over and pick it up.
Oh yes, now I remember aboutthe other people who would I? Well,
these are their friends for friend fornames, friends, flannel for fern
(07:13):
garlais for just say it slowly forfor five pounds. Do you not have
any friends? Yeah? Load ofthem. There's that block with the um
Oh, get stuffed. How abouta game? Yes, a game,
(07:38):
wonderful game, let's play? Yesand no? A great idea? Albeit,
I have a good one. Isit a vegetable? No? A
mineral? No? Any moodine?What else? What else? Indeed?
Does it have a scary face?Terrifying? Does it eat people? It
(07:59):
would if it could do it?Smell it smells awful? Do where people
avoided as much as possible. Amajie dog, No, half eaten pudgeon,
No, a hicley curt No,wait, is it an undesirable creature
that is heated by all? Yeah, I've got it. It's run Weasley,
(08:22):
it's heavenly. A Scrooge coud actsstupid part in your post face?
Your cool? What tree is this? What a shito cool? You've got
(08:52):
to have a pretty miserable life ifyou live here. I mean they must
earn next to no money to livein a dumb like this. This is
where your employee, mister Gradget lives. Ah well, one of the nicer
houses though, right, not likethis run down heat. No, it
is this one, I see.But he's made the inside look nice.
(09:13):
Yeah, the outside just isn't agreat reflection. I think you should stop
talking, gotcha. They approached thewindow of the small abode and looked in
on the scene in front of them. Although it appeared meager, there was
a lot of warmth from the crotchedresidents that filled Scrooge's heart. Chi didn't
prepare the table. It won't belong before your father is home. We'll
(09:35):
wait a minute. Is that missPiggy? I think Tom has only seen
the Muppet version. Peter, donot stop turning that spot. It's a
secret of a probably roasted goose.Ryan, that's you. Oh oh okay,
Britu, it smells so good.Mother? Why the voice? I
don't know, it's just going fromher cue holes Asian duby Jolly? Who's
(10:05):
that with? Bang cratch It?That is his son, tiny Jerry,
But he's a normous Wait a minute, is that Gerard Butler? Yeah?
How how is he cast as tinytim? Irony? Fine? Hello?
Family? Creechy? Can I bighandsOn? Musy mountain squirrel? Oh god,
(10:39):
that's that's that's just too much?Yeah, but kind of arousing the
Christmas? Your goose, your goose? Come on? How was the interest?
(11:00):
He was as good as golden better. He told me that he hoped
that the people saw him and itmight be pleasant to them to remember upon
Christmas Day who made lame Beggar's walkand blind Ben. See. Wow,
that's pretty articulate for a scut.The family sat down to their humble Christmas
dinner. As Scrooge watched on,he started to realize what he had missed
(11:20):
out on for so many years.I pay Bain such a small wage,
Yes you do, and I lostall of his pension fund at the dog
track. Yes, wait, whatI would like to make a toast to
the founder of the feast, myemployer, mister Scrooge, the founder of
(11:41):
the feast. Indeed, indeed,if he was here now, I would
knock the living gun out of himand came stump him onto the fireplace,
bloody hell. And then I'd rollhim unto the fire Jesus. And while
he was scumming and bleeding for meto put him out, I thinke I
shit in his shoes, in hisshoes, fucking hell, Piggy, please
(12:01):
the children Christmas day very well,to mister Scrooge, I suppose, as
it's Christmas Day, even though heis ritched and disgusting. And Richard the
finger at the feast masheda screege tovicious scree Jimmy, and to ask the
(12:22):
Crutchett with a super democratic family bythe hearts on the part is master my
(12:46):
Slee, my bear, My nameis dainty Jenny, hate my sketch scars
of I love being with my family. The doctors say I should be dead.
I am Peter, and I turnedthe spit. My gooses are killing
(13:07):
the skinnies. Chris, my brotherTina HAPs the lime like my folks.
Fregat that I think sis where theSilver democratchet Bammy why will never bring us
down? Before the least were happy, we sometimes wished to screws my child
(13:30):
and my name being told the bacon. I love him like a Looking at
these rashers, now I think hewas my father. The brother was a
selfish swing. It's helping me deservedit, Davis Captain choos us. It
(13:52):
made a change from eating ship withthe Silver democratchet Batily. We've got no
money and that's okay. The basismight come to my room, same o
shit, different day. Oh screwsprings his due man gloom whilst we're they're
(14:13):
cooped up in one room. Althoughhe might have everything. A man with
love is true. Weaking mother easyto see no because it's my floot.
So long were silly differ crutches Bambiand he has this all but a heartside
(14:48):
big so he is myster myslinger mustleave others love and day we should have
dinercratches bamyl bell never bring I'm allright, fucking spirit, tell me will
(15:16):
time Jerry live dead? Probably hecan't die. If things do not change,
then I fear there will be acrutch leaning against the wall without an
owner. But if he does die, he'd better hurry up and do it,
decrease the slab blush population. Lowblow, mate, low fucking blow.
(15:37):
Come. My time grew short?Why what's wrong with you? I
am not long for this world?But you're already dead? How are you
dying again? The time of aspirit is only limited, but I've learned
so much from you. Can't youstay a bit longer? I'm afraid not.
I must leave you here in thisgraveyard. Don't leave me in a
(15:58):
place like this. It put inthe Willie's aut me, and not in
the fun way. It is hereyou will meet your next guide, the
ghost of Christmas yet to come?So long? No? Why what?
Oh? I don't know. Ididn't think it actually stopped. Goodbye.
(16:26):
I'm scared me too, all aloneon todd now. But the night is
cupany and that big scary bloke ina robe broke in a robe in the
darkness and fog, A mysterious figuredraped in robes of black moved towards the
frightened Scrooge. It was if thegrim Reaber himself had come to claim him.
(16:49):
Hello, who goes? There?Are you? The spirit? I
am right? The Hello scary,isn't it All these dark robes heightens the
senses. Mark, what are youdoing? You're not supposed to talk?
(17:11):
Oh well, you shouldn't hire someonelike me if you don't want to hear
my velvety tones. Who are you, mate? I am the ghost of
Christmas yet to come? You lookterrifying? Oh well, I can take
these robes off. Why are younaked under their The robes are pretty hot,
so I think it's better with themon. When you say that,
but they do chafer on the ballsuit yourself. Well, Spirit, I'm
(17:37):
ready to learn. I wish tounderstand the true meaning of Christmas. Yeah,
sure thing, no problem, followme this way. Who the day
was miserable and dark? Several businessmen stood in the street laughing. But
what was so amusing Scrooge would haveto discover for himself. Well, it's
(18:03):
official. The old bastard is dead. Finally I thought he'd never go.
I wonder what got him? Okay, I just want to know what he's
done with all that money, probablytaking it to hell with him. The
miserable sod Spirit, I know thosemen? Who are they talking about?
Makes me? Do you actually notknow? Or you're pretending, because this
(18:26):
is supposed to be some sort ofdeeper meaning that is revealed later on.
I don't know. Come this waydown a dark alley. They went to
the underbelly of old London. We'reonly the flotsam and jetsam lurked bark from
the domain of the deceased. Thisbunny was an easy job. No one
(18:47):
cared about that old miser. Well, yeah, he made me actually seem
like to her. And what didyou bring us? I found this large
box of Jeffer cakes. We washungry. I've got a big box of
Jeffer cake side that at home,just for emergencies, you know. I
brought his connection of hats. Good. We will wear these hats and when
we tire of them, we willeat them as well. Those hats looked
(19:08):
familiar, are very comfortable. Itfits us perfectly. Yes, yes,
it's another and ready fit. Itdoesn't make any sense. Well, I
can't tell you this did he?But it messy beard and noose type.
Listen, spirit, I get it. These pricks are talking about me,
(19:30):
right, Maybe it could be acoincidence. You fucking work. Well,
what I know, because you broughtme here not nervous. I don't know
what's going to happen. Yes,you do. That's literally your fucking name.
What mark? For God's sake?All right, wherever, take me
somewhere else, then let me seesome tenderness connected to this world, or
I'll be haunted by that terrible conversationforever. Whoosh. Scrooge found himself back
(19:57):
outside of the crowded house. Butthis time it wasn't as before the laughter,
joy and love had gone. Inits place was solemness, sadness,
and melancholy. Oh I am,I am am, I gonna cry at
this bit? Oh buddy boy,Yeah, it's quiet, spirit? Why
(20:21):
is it so quiet? Scrooge approachedthe window. The same window that once
before exuded so much warmth, feltmuch colder this time. The goose turned
over on the fire slowly, thecandles burned much dimmer, and the feasting
table appeared smaller, as one settingwas now empty. Not, Tommy,
(20:42):
Jerry, I know it's proper shitty, isn't it. Children? We can't
look sad when your father arrives.Horror. I think he's walked a little
slower at these last two evenings.Hello, family, how is it?
Chruch yard? It was really lovely. You'd be happy with what they've done
(21:04):
with the place. I picked upthe perfect spot for Jerry. It's right
on the river, next to alittle pam and in the pub, but
they only play Celtic games. Nextdoor is a twenty four hour gym.
Jerry always loves danger. I alwayslove going to the gym, and I
(21:26):
remember when he benched pressed a horseand then punched a ranger's fan, feeding
crisps loudly next to him. Yes, it really is the perfect place for
him. Well, that's just fuckinggreat. What a fucking shitness is the
last bloke I'd be singing and dancing. All you've done is might you want
to reach for the tissues? AndI know why? I like, Must
(21:48):
there be a Christmas that brings thisawful scene? How can we enjoy?
For fuck's sake, don't be sad. Family life is made up of meetings
at ba wins. That is theway of it. You'll say good morning,
you'll say good evening, you'll meetand pat what do you never forget?
(22:11):
And we will never forget? TibiJerry. That was just so beautiful.
I think that was from p S. I love you. The window
(22:33):
faded from Scrooge's vision, and thecobbled stones turned to soil. Instead of
a row of houses, a rowof gravestones lay before him, and a
cold dread touched his spine. Asthe hairs on the back of his neck
raised, Scrooge knew why he wasthere. I know why I'm here spirit
nice thanks I'll make because of theawful man who died, the one whose
(22:55):
demise brought such glee to those aroundhim. I think you should look over
there. I've changed, you know, I understand now what it means to
accept Christmas into your heart, notjust on one day a year, but
every day of every year. Justsee for yourself. Is it not possible
for someone to be reborn with agreater understanding, to realize the mistakes they've
(23:21):
made and learn for a better future. If not, then what was the
point in this night? You mustlook to torment me to talk me,
to laugh in my face at thefate of still for myself. I'm not
laughing. I'm not actually supposed tolaugh. He's not supposed to talk at
all. Yeah, that was apodcasting decision. I don't want to look.
(23:41):
Please don't make me. Scrooge droppedto his knees in front of the
small sad stone. Every inch ofhis being wanted to hold back his hand,
but to pull was too strong.With one swipe of his palm,
he removed the snow covering the inscription, Every knees up, Scrooge, No
Spirit, Something could be done.Surely, a path once warts can be
(24:04):
retraced, a book can be rewritten. The past cannot be changed, and
the present is always fleeting. Butsurely even you must agree that the future
isn't setting stone like this lab wouldmake you believe? Are you not the
ghost of Christmas yet to come?Not anymore? I'm not. Ah,
(24:26):
Please, Spirit, please, youmust wonder. Fuck fucking The ground started
to open, and the grabbing handsof the dead began to pull Scrooge into
the earth, swallowing him up anddisposing of him, treating him how he
had treated so many before him.Skinny chuck O't you can be fastest?
(24:49):
No? No, oh no,no, no, not fucking dammit,
Morgans too again. Wait a minute, I'm home. I'm fucking home.
(25:19):
It's all still here, my briskets, my hats, my tenure, collection
of nuts, mags. Yes,it was true. He was back in
his own room, in his ownbed. Everything was as it was,
and best of all, his lifelay in front of him, to be
cherished, but more importantly, tobe changed. I will live my life
in the past, the present,and the future. Oh Jacob Cracker's marley,
(25:42):
you old bastard. May you andChristmas Day be praised. Oh oh,
I don't know what to do.I'm as lies or forever. M
Zambie is an angel and I've gotan absolute stock cut on oh roofed Scrooge
from the windows open and look inthe crisp Christmas morning? You there,
mate? What day is it?Silly beauty day? No? No,
(26:08):
no, no, not not youyou what me? Legend Tim from the
first episode? Yeah you? Oh? Hello, hello mate? Tell me
what day is this? Today?Will? Today is Christmas Day? I
haven't missed anything. They did itall in one night, of course they
did. Of course they did.They can do anything, you know,
(26:32):
Yeah, my, I guess youknow the poultry shop in the next street.
Yeah, sure, A remarkable lad, an intelligent lad. You're going
on to me right, because I'mdown for that, to be quite honest.
Do you know if the prize turkeyin the window has been sold the
one twice as big as me,Dawn Stairs. Yeah, yeah, it's
(26:52):
a fucking pleasure talking to you,mate. Go and buy it for me.
I'm serious, mate, Go andbuy it from me and I'll give
you a shilling. No, I'llgive you five shillings. Oh sorry,
mate, Now go on get thatturkey. Go on, I'll bring it
to Baane Crutches's house. What surpriseit will be. It's twice the size
(27:17):
of Tiny Jerry's leg. Within moments, Scrooge appeared on the streets, dressed
in his finest wishing everyone a merryChristmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
Kennies season's greetings, mister Brett,Oh, good morning to you, miss
Stone, Merry Christmas, Holmes family, and hello to you missus Smithson.
Oh ruft, I'll be seeing youlater. Scrooge was determined to learn from
(27:41):
the lessons of the night and spreadas much goodwill and cheer as he could,
and a Merry Christmas to you twofloppy cops as well. I couldn't
have done it without. Yeah,wait is he talking to us? Can
he see us? Of course Ican. I saw you the all time.
Oh why didn't you acknowledge us atany point. Well, I'm doing
it now. I I marry Chris, missus London, you dirty sixty old
(28:02):
bitch. He's off quick, let'sfollowing. Hello, good gentlemen, the
Order of the Phoenix Victoria found Ation, weren't it? Yes? That is
correct about my donation put me downfor uh huh, yes, my mon,
Missus Scrooge. That is exceptionally generousand not a penny less many back
(28:23):
payments and that I know. Idon't know what to say. I just
wish there was something we could dofor you. You know what. I've
got a gift for you. You'renot going to stun on me again?
Are you? Bear me? Andanother yea for me? That's so kind.
(28:48):
Merry Christmas, you son of abitch? Why says so unless the
bottom line? Thank you, Thankyou fifty times and a merry Christmas.
Scrooge made his way to the Cratcher'shouse with a mischievous look on his face.
He stood outside, straightened his hat, broadened his shoulders, and pulled
a reminiscent grimace. My crutchy openup. I know you're in there.
(29:18):
Hello, mister Scrooge. You didnot report in for work. This morning.
Do I not specifically tell you tobe in at fucking eight in the
morning, Yeah, you did say, But he also said, as it
was Christmas, that we could havethe day. Oh why would I say
that? Does that sound like somethingI'd fucking say? Right? Well,
no, but I've had just aboutenough of you. You listen here,
(29:44):
a pal, I'm about to giveyou a piece of my mind. And
therefore, and therefore you could needthis house immediately. And therefore I'm gonna
raise your salary and I'm gonna readmy front up you m yes, brain,
raise your salary and pay off themortgage on this house. House.
Uh? Please say do come inside? Come inside? Would you and your
(30:07):
family like to join us for alittle churkey dinner on this fine Christmas day?
Merry Christmas? Hello, my slurganhis beery. Come here, girl,
What a lovelier bird? This iswhat Merry Christmas? Everyone, I
must say, what a splendid ideashot? Do you want to stack the
shoes off? Come on, let'ssay I'm starving. Hey, they hate
(30:30):
that guy? Yummy, yummy,I think already. Well, let's say
there's a lot of people coming intomy house. Do I have to cook
his entire turkey right now? Isn'tthis wonderful? Everyone is here? Yeah,
even here for fuck's sake, Godbleshish everyone. Time for me to
(30:53):
change my weekend worries. It's theonly way to save Michael Us. It's
so I'll shine love on everyone likesunlight, race to be a better mind.
That is my goal. I canfeel it as I'm sitting in this
(31:15):
crowded house, surrounded by new friendslike cal my arm because it's Christmas.
It's Christmus with mates like these allnever re alarm. So I love your
heart. It just takes a smileto get so unjoyed from that whole while.
(31:41):
And if you share that love tothose fallen, Yeah, it will
feel like Christmas time on the oneyear, every bar your heart burpen up
your heart takes a smile. Hi, Yeah, to give someone joy.
(32:06):
It will feel like Christmas time.A year. It will feel like Christmas
time more than one. Fucking you. Merry Christmas, your Fox, and
(32:38):
happy New Year. H h h. You're right, Tom, You were
asleep a very long time there themost mental dream. It was Christmas,
your Easter or something, and youwere there, and you were there,
and there was this what was it. Nope, it's gone. Looks like
(33:05):
he's the same old Tom. Yep, something's never change. I'm back,
baby, is the fucking end My
Hard, He's hard. His hatsis brought to you an association with Cold
Callers Comedy. You can find ColdCallers Comedy on Twitter at cold Callers,
on Instagram at cold Callers Underscore Comedy, and on Facebook at cold Callers Comedy.
And if you head over to YouTubedot com forward slash cold Callers,
you'll find our music videos and comedysketches there. And if you can't be
(00:22):
bothered to do any of that,well, let's stop pulling your pud.
Stop thumbing you guys. He's stillasleep. It's been like that for two
days now. Looking look at hislittle legs going kicking away. He must
be dreaming. Must be dreaming.I wonder what he's dreaming about. Well,
he must be in a really sadplace right now, and his girlfriend
(00:42):
just left him. Imagine know whathe's dreaming? What hard? Hard?
(01:06):
What is your fucking hat? Mate? Scrooge was weary with the memories of
the past, and before he knewit, the clock struck two and a
second visitor made himself known. Othe fuck, who's there? Come in
(01:29):
and know me better? Man?Just let yourself in. What don't come
in? Man? I am in, dickhead. I mean calm in this
room. Well you should have beenclearer with that. Scrooge made his way
inside and was met with an unexpectedsight. Fuck here, Now you're a
big boy. Yes, I supposeI am rather large compared to you.
(01:51):
It's weird though, because you lookedlike that fella, oh you know,
the one he drinks things and knowsthings, sings high and went on a
quest to destroy a ring. ValKilma was in it way you joyed a
minute. Most of the people playingthe characters are people Tom has met,
right, Yeah, but Tom nevermet each tree Bain did. Don't poke
(02:12):
holes in the logic crying fine,just saying so are you? Then?
I am the ghost of Christmas presentpresents? Wicked? Did you get me
that stool toy I ask for?No? I mean, I'm the ghost
of present time. That's disappointing.So what do you want? I'm here
to show you the joy of Christmas, what you've been missing out on for
(02:34):
all these years? Oh yeah,or how are you going to do that?
Through the joy of soul? Ofcourse? Really? Come on,
you big sour course. Now,I find singing it a wonderful way to
express your joy, and singing itin the style of Elvis is even more
joyful the star of Elvis Costello orPresley. It's a time for hanging lights
(03:05):
and decorations, a time for stcrudding love, good will and sheet a
time for prisons and for celebrations,and a special time to keep your loved
one's knee. You can see itwhen you're walking down these car bull streets,
(03:28):
in the smiles of very passered byyour meet. Because it's Christmas,
It's christ must Christmas is their favoritetime of year. So let it fill
your heart, maybe crack a smile, maybe even feel some joy for a
(03:50):
little while. And if it feelslike love, then it can heal your
soul all around your feel the coldold southing mine, no old you fucking
work. It's a time for snowmen, and for cooking turkey, the
time for holding off as Christmas dus. Sometimes a snow can get a little
(04:15):
murky when you're snorting it right offthose nightclub LUs, those drug field nights
can get a little wild, butpails next to the excitement of a child.
Because it's Christmas, It's Christmas.Christmas is their favorite time of year,
(04:42):
So let it feel your heart.Maybe crack a smile, maybe even
feel some joy for a little wildand if it feels like home, then
it can heal your soul. Allaround your feel the cold old seldom mind
nor fool. And when you allopen up your heart, that's when your
(05:10):
journey can start. It's all toyou. You know what you have to
do. Let it feel your heart, maybe crackers smile, maybe even feel
some joy for a little wine andeven feels like love. Then it can
(05:32):
heal your soul. All rounds youfeel the cold, seldom mind nor gold.
So let it feel your heart andfeel my heart maybe cracker smile like
you smile, maybe even feel somejoy for a little wine, won't get
and even feels like love. Loselike like and they can heal your soul
(05:54):
or rounds your feel the cold seldommind nor fool. Wow, you know
that really? Did share me up? Is this what we're missing this whole
time? I know right, it'sso much fun. Let's sing again.
(06:15):
No, No, that's enough now, fuck me. This bloke is higher
and more in just life. Listen, show me more of what's so great
about Christmas? You got me onboard, big boy. What would you
like to see? Did the scriptClub Essa Square. I've always wondered if
they do a Christmas version of theshow. Well, there is that,
but I are about to be visitedsome of your family instead. Fine,
(06:43):
this is my nephew's gaff. Youknow, he played Fall's brother. Who
are these people with him? Thatthere is? His wife doesn't look familiar.
I dropped my fork. I'll justbend over and pick it up.
Oh yes, now I remember aboutthe other people who would I? Well,
these are their friends for friend fornames, friends, flannel for fern
(07:13):
garlais for just say it slowly forfor five pounds. Do you not have
any friends? Yeah? Load ofthem. There's that block with the um
Oh, get stuffed. How abouta game? Yes, a game,
(07:38):
wonderful game, let's play? Yesand no? A great idea? Albeit,
I have a good one. Isit a vegetable? No? A
mineral? No? Any moodine?What else? What else? Indeed?
Does it have a scary face?Terrifying? Does it eat people? It
(07:59):
would if it could do it?Smell it smells awful? Do where people
avoided as much as possible. Amajie dog, No, half eaten pudgeon,
No, a hicley curt No,wait, is it an undesirable creature
that is heated by all? Yeah, I've got it. It's run Weasley,
(08:22):
it's heavenly. A Scrooge coud actsstupid part in your post face?
Your cool? What tree is this? What a shito cool? You've got
(08:52):
to have a pretty miserable life ifyou live here. I mean they must
earn next to no money to livein a dumb like this. This is
where your employee, mister Gradget lives. Ah well, one of the nicer
houses though, right, not likethis run down heat. No, it
is this one, I see.But he's made the inside look nice.
(09:13):
Yeah, the outside just isn't agreat reflection. I think you should stop
talking, gotcha. They approached thewindow of the small abode and looked in
on the scene in front of them. Although it appeared meager, there was
a lot of warmth from the crotchedresidents that filled Scrooge's heart. Chi didn't
prepare the table. It won't belong before your father is home. We'll
(09:35):
wait a minute. Is that missPiggy? I think Tom has only seen
the Muppet version. Peter, donot stop turning that spot. It's a
secret of a probably roasted goose.Ryan, that's you. Oh oh okay,
Britu, it smells so good.Mother? Why the voice? I
don't know, it's just going fromher cue holes Asian duby Jolly? Who's
(10:05):
that with? Bang cratch It?That is his son, tiny Jerry,
But he's a normous Wait a minute, is that Gerard Butler? Yeah?
How how is he cast as tinytim? Irony? Fine? Hello?
Family? Creechy? Can I bighandsOn? Musy mountain squirrel? Oh god,
(10:39):
that's that's that's just too much?Yeah, but kind of arousing the
Christmas? Your goose, your goose? Come on? How was the interest?
(11:00):
He was as good as golden better. He told me that he hoped
that the people saw him and itmight be pleasant to them to remember upon
Christmas Day who made lame Beggar's walkand blind Ben. See. Wow,
that's pretty articulate for a scut.The family sat down to their humble Christmas
dinner. As Scrooge watched on,he started to realize what he had missed
(11:20):
out on for so many years.I pay Bain such a small wage,
Yes you do, and I lostall of his pension fund at the dog
track. Yes, wait, whatI would like to make a toast to
the founder of the feast, myemployer, mister Scrooge, the founder of
(11:41):
the feast. Indeed, indeed,if he was here now, I would
knock the living gun out of himand came stump him onto the fireplace,
bloody hell. And then I'd rollhim unto the fire Jesus. And while
he was scumming and bleeding for meto put him out, I thinke I
shit in his shoes, in hisshoes, fucking hell, Piggy, please
(12:01):
the children Christmas day very well,to mister Scrooge, I suppose, as
it's Christmas Day, even though heis ritched and disgusting. And Richard the
finger at the feast masheda screege tovicious scree Jimmy, and to ask the
(12:22):
Crutchett with a super democratic family bythe hearts on the part is master my
(12:46):
Slee, my bear, My nameis dainty Jenny, hate my sketch scars
of I love being with my family. The doctors say I should be dead.
I am Peter, and I turnedthe spit. My gooses are killing
(13:07):
the skinnies. Chris, my brotherTina HAPs the lime like my folks.
Fregat that I think sis where theSilver democratchet Bammy why will never bring us
down? Before the least were happy, we sometimes wished to screws my child
(13:30):
and my name being told the bacon. I love him like a Looking at
these rashers, now I think hewas my father. The brother was a
selfish swing. It's helping me deservedit, Davis Captain choos us. It
(13:52):
made a change from eating ship withthe Silver democratchet Batily. We've got no
money and that's okay. The basismight come to my room, same o
shit, different day. Oh screwsprings his due man gloom whilst we're they're
(14:13):
cooped up in one room. Althoughhe might have everything. A man with
love is true. Weaking mother easyto see no because it's my floot.
So long were silly differ crutches Bambiand he has this all but a heartside
(14:48):
big so he is myster myslinger mustleave others love and day we should have
dinercratches bamyl bell never bring I'm allright, fucking spirit, tell me will
(15:16):
time Jerry live dead? Probably hecan't die. If things do not change,
then I fear there will be acrutch leaning against the wall without an
owner. But if he does die, he'd better hurry up and do it,
decrease the slab blush population. Lowblow, mate, low fucking blow.
(15:37):
Come. My time grew short?Why what's wrong with you? I
am not long for this world?But you're already dead? How are you
dying again? The time of aspirit is only limited, but I've learned
so much from you. Can't youstay a bit longer? I'm afraid not.
I must leave you here in thisgraveyard. Don't leave me in a
(15:58):
place like this. It put inthe Willie's aut me, and not in
the fun way. It is hereyou will meet your next guide, the
ghost of Christmas yet to come?So long? No? Why what?
Oh? I don't know. Ididn't think it actually stopped. Goodbye.
(16:26):
I'm scared me too, all aloneon todd now. But the night is
cupany and that big scary bloke ina robe broke in a robe in the
darkness and fog, A mysterious figuredraped in robes of black moved towards the
frightened Scrooge. It was if thegrim Reaber himself had come to claim him.
(16:49):
Hello, who goes? There?Are you? The spirit? I
am right? The Hello scary,isn't it All these dark robes heightens the
senses. Mark, what are youdoing? You're not supposed to talk?
(17:11):
Oh well, you shouldn't hire someonelike me if you don't want to hear
my velvety tones. Who are you, mate? I am the ghost of
Christmas yet to come? You lookterrifying? Oh well, I can take
these robes off. Why are younaked under their The robes are pretty hot,
so I think it's better with themon. When you say that,
but they do chafer on the ballsuit yourself. Well, Spirit, I'm
(17:37):
ready to learn. I wish tounderstand the true meaning of Christmas. Yeah,
sure thing, no problem, followme this way. Who the day
was miserable and dark? Several businessmen stood in the street laughing. But
what was so amusing Scrooge would haveto discover for himself. Well, it's
(18:03):
official. The old bastard is dead. Finally I thought he'd never go.
I wonder what got him? Okay, I just want to know what he's
done with all that money, probablytaking it to hell with him. The
miserable sod Spirit, I know thosemen? Who are they talking about?
Makes me? Do you actually notknow? Or you're pretending, because this
(18:26):
is supposed to be some sort ofdeeper meaning that is revealed later on.
I don't know. Come this waydown a dark alley. They went to
the underbelly of old London. We'reonly the flotsam and jetsam lurked bark from
the domain of the deceased. Thisbunny was an easy job. No one
(18:47):
cared about that old miser. Well, yeah, he made me actually seem
like to her. And what didyou bring us? I found this large
box of Jeffer cakes. We washungry. I've got a big box of
Jeffer cake side that at home,just for emergencies, you know. I
brought his connection of hats. Good. We will wear these hats and when
we tire of them, we willeat them as well. Those hats looked
(19:08):
familiar, are very comfortable. Itfits us perfectly. Yes, yes,
it's another and ready fit. Itdoesn't make any sense. Well, I
can't tell you this did he?But it messy beard and noose type.
Listen, spirit, I get it. These pricks are talking about me,
(19:30):
right, Maybe it could be acoincidence. You fucking work. Well,
what I know, because you broughtme here not nervous. I don't know
what's going to happen. Yes,you do. That's literally your fucking name.
What mark? For God's sake?All right, wherever, take me
somewhere else, then let me seesome tenderness connected to this world, or
I'll be haunted by that terrible conversationforever. Whoosh. Scrooge found himself back
(19:57):
outside of the crowded house. Butthis time it wasn't as before the laughter,
joy and love had gone. Inits place was solemness, sadness,
and melancholy. Oh I am,I am am, I gonna cry at
this bit? Oh buddy boy,Yeah, it's quiet, spirit? Why
(20:21):
is it so quiet? Scrooge approachedthe window. The same window that once
before exuded so much warmth, feltmuch colder this time. The goose turned
over on the fire slowly, thecandles burned much dimmer, and the feasting
table appeared smaller, as one settingwas now empty. Not, Tommy,
(20:42):
Jerry, I know it's proper shitty, isn't it. Children? We can't
look sad when your father arrives.Horror. I think he's walked a little
slower at these last two evenings.Hello, family, how is it?
Chruch yard? It was really lovely. You'd be happy with what they've done
(21:04):
with the place. I picked upthe perfect spot for Jerry. It's right
on the river, next to alittle pam and in the pub, but
they only play Celtic games. Nextdoor is a twenty four hour gym.
Jerry always loves danger. I alwayslove going to the gym, and I
(21:26):
remember when he benched pressed a horseand then punched a ranger's fan, feeding
crisps loudly next to him. Yes, it really is the perfect place for
him. Well, that's just fuckinggreat. What a fucking shitness is the
last bloke I'd be singing and dancing. All you've done is might you want
to reach for the tissues? AndI know why? I like, Must
(21:48):
there be a Christmas that brings thisawful scene? How can we enjoy?
For fuck's sake, don't be sad. Family life is made up of meetings
at ba wins. That is theway of it. You'll say good morning,
you'll say good evening, you'll meetand pat what do you never forget?
(22:11):
And we will never forget? TibiJerry. That was just so beautiful.
I think that was from p S. I love you. The window
(22:33):
faded from Scrooge's vision, and thecobbled stones turned to soil. Instead of
a row of houses, a rowof gravestones lay before him, and a
cold dread touched his spine. Asthe hairs on the back of his neck
raised, Scrooge knew why he wasthere. I know why I'm here spirit
nice thanks I'll make because of theawful man who died, the one whose
(22:55):
demise brought such glee to those aroundhim. I think you should look over
there. I've changed, you know, I understand now what it means to
accept Christmas into your heart, notjust on one day a year, but
every day of every year. Justsee for yourself. Is it not possible
for someone to be reborn with agreater understanding, to realize the mistakes they've
(23:21):
made and learn for a better future. If not, then what was the
point in this night? You mustlook to torment me to talk me,
to laugh in my face at thefate of still for myself. I'm not
laughing. I'm not actually supposed tolaugh. He's not supposed to talk at
all. Yeah, that was apodcasting decision. I don't want to look.
(23:41):
Please don't make me. Scrooge droppedto his knees in front of the
small sad stone. Every inch ofhis being wanted to hold back his hand,
but to pull was too strong.With one swipe of his palm,
he removed the snow covering the inscription, Every knees up, Scrooge, No
Spirit, Something could be done.Surely, a path once warts can be
(24:04):
retraced, a book can be rewritten. The past cannot be changed, and
the present is always fleeting. Butsurely even you must agree that the future
isn't setting stone like this lab wouldmake you believe? Are you not the
ghost of Christmas yet to come?Not anymore? I'm not. Ah,
(24:26):
Please, Spirit, please, youmust wonder. Fuck fucking The ground started
to open, and the grabbing handsof the dead began to pull Scrooge into
the earth, swallowing him up anddisposing of him, treating him how he
had treated so many before him.Skinny chuck O't you can be fastest?
(24:49):
No? No, oh no,no, no, not fucking dammit,
Morgans too again. Wait a minute, I'm home. I'm fucking home.
(25:19):
It's all still here, my briskets, my hats, my tenure, collection
of nuts, mags. Yes,it was true. He was back in
his own room, in his ownbed. Everything was as it was,
and best of all, his lifelay in front of him, to be
cherished, but more importantly, tobe changed. I will live my life
in the past, the present,and the future. Oh Jacob Cracker's marley,
(25:42):
you old bastard. May you andChristmas Day be praised. Oh oh,
I don't know what to do.I'm as lies or forever. M
Zambie is an angel and I've gotan absolute stock cut on oh roofed Scrooge
from the windows open and look inthe crisp Christmas morning? You there,
mate? What day is it?Silly beauty day? No? No,
(26:08):
no, no, not not youyou what me? Legend Tim from the
first episode? Yeah you? Oh? Hello, hello mate? Tell me
what day is this? Today?Will? Today is Christmas Day? I
haven't missed anything. They did itall in one night, of course they
did. Of course they did.They can do anything, you know,
(26:32):
Yeah, my, I guess youknow the poultry shop in the next street.
Yeah, sure, A remarkable lad, an intelligent lad. You're going
on to me right, because I'mdown for that, to be quite honest.
Do you know if the prize turkeyin the window has been sold the
one twice as big as me,Dawn Stairs. Yeah, yeah, it's
(26:52):
a fucking pleasure talking to you,mate. Go and buy it for me.
I'm serious, mate, Go andbuy it from me and I'll give
you a shilling. No, I'llgive you five shillings. Oh sorry,
mate, Now go on get thatturkey. Go on, I'll bring it
to Baane Crutches's house. What surpriseit will be. It's twice the size
(27:17):
of Tiny Jerry's leg. Within moments, Scrooge appeared on the streets, dressed
in his finest wishing everyone a merryChristmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
Kennies season's greetings, mister Brett,Oh, good morning to you, miss
Stone, Merry Christmas, Holmes family, and hello to you missus Smithson.
Oh ruft, I'll be seeing youlater. Scrooge was determined to learn from
(27:41):
the lessons of the night and spreadas much goodwill and cheer as he could,
and a Merry Christmas to you twofloppy cops as well. I couldn't
have done it without. Yeah,wait is he talking to us? Can
he see us? Of course Ican. I saw you the all time.
Oh why didn't you acknowledge us atany point. Well, I'm doing
it now. I I marry Chris, missus London, you dirty sixty old
(28:02):
bitch. He's off quick, let'sfollowing. Hello, good gentlemen, the
Order of the Phoenix Victoria found Ation, weren't it? Yes? That is
correct about my donation put me downfor uh huh, yes, my mon,
Missus Scrooge. That is exceptionally generousand not a penny less many back
(28:23):
payments and that I know. Idon't know what to say. I just
wish there was something we could dofor you. You know what. I've
got a gift for you. You'renot going to stun on me again?
Are you? Bear me? Andanother yea for me? That's so kind.
(28:48):
Merry Christmas, you son of abitch? Why says so unless the
bottom line? Thank you, Thankyou fifty times and a merry Christmas.
Scrooge made his way to the Cratcher'shouse with a mischievous look on his face.
He stood outside, straightened his hat, broadened his shoulders, and pulled
a reminiscent grimace. My crutchy openup. I know you're in there.
(29:18):
Hello, mister Scrooge. You didnot report in for work. This morning.
Do I not specifically tell you tobe in at fucking eight in the
morning, Yeah, you did say, But he also said, as it
was Christmas, that we could havethe day. Oh why would I say
that? Does that sound like somethingI'd fucking say? Right? Well,
no, but I've had just aboutenough of you. You listen here,
(29:44):
a pal, I'm about to giveyou a piece of my mind. And
therefore, and therefore you could needthis house immediately. And therefore I'm gonna
raise your salary and I'm gonna readmy front up you m yes, brain,
raise your salary and pay off themortgage on this house. House.
Uh? Please say do come inside? Come inside? Would you and your
(30:07):
family like to join us for alittle churkey dinner on this fine Christmas day?
Merry Christmas? Hello, my slurganhis beery. Come here, girl,
What a lovelier bird? This iswhat Merry Christmas? Everyone, I
must say, what a splendid ideashot? Do you want to stack the
shoes off? Come on, let'ssay I'm starving. Hey, they hate
(30:30):
that guy? Yummy, yummy,I think already. Well, let's say
there's a lot of people coming intomy house. Do I have to cook
his entire turkey right now? Isn'tthis wonderful? Everyone is here? Yeah,
even here for fuck's sake, Godbleshish everyone. Time for me to
(30:53):
change my weekend worries. It's theonly way to save Michael Us. It's
so I'll shine love on everyone likesunlight, race to be a better mind.
That is my goal. I canfeel it as I'm sitting in this
(31:15):
crowded house, surrounded by new friendslike cal my arm because it's Christmas.
It's Christmus with mates like these allnever re alarm. So I love your
heart. It just takes a smileto get so unjoyed from that whole while.
(31:41):
And if you share that love tothose fallen, Yeah, it will
feel like Christmas time on the oneyear, every bar your heart burpen up
your heart takes a smile. Hi, Yeah, to give someone joy.
(32:06):
It will feel like Christmas time.A year. It will feel like Christmas
time more than one. Fucking you. Merry Christmas, your Fox, and
(32:38):
happy New Year. H h h. You're right, Tom, You were
asleep a very long time there themost mental dream. It was Christmas,
your Easter or something, and youwere there, and you were there,
and there was this what was it. Nope, it's gone. Looks like
(33:05):
he's the same old Tom. Yep, something's never change. I'm back,
baby, is the fucking end My
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