Hardy's Hardest Hats Xmas Special - Hardy's Christmas Carol Pt 1

HARDY'S HARDEST HATS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL Part 1

Part 1 of 2. Welcome to the Hardy's Hardest Hats Christmas Special. And it's a special one indeed. We get caught up in Tom's dreams, where we are whisked away to victorian London and into the pages of a Charles Dickens novel. All your favourite characters are here... playing all of your favourite 'A Christmas Carol' characters!

With a musical score written and performed by us! Listen to it on Spotify.

DISCLAIMER: All characters, fictional and non-fictional in this show are completely made up. Any similarities to people, movie characters or muppets are purely coincidental. All celebrity voices are impersonated... poorly and the following episode contains many profanities so... you've been warned.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hardy's Hardest Tatch is brought to youin association with Cold Callers Comedy. You
can find Cold Callers Comedy on Twitterat cold Callers, on Instagram at cold
Callers Underscore Comedy, and on Facebookat Cold Callers Comedy. And if you
head over to YouTube dot com slashcold Callers you'll find our music videos and
comedy sketches there. And if youcan't be bothered to do any of that,

(00:22):
well you better stop pulling your putand stop thumbing. God blimey.
Tom snoring is loud. Poor guymust be tuckered out from being dead and
then brought back to life and thenexperimented on. He's so much more pleasant
when he's asleep painting. Yeah,get out, What Jesus do you think

(00:46):
he's dreaming about? I don't knowhow how hard? How hard? Oh?

(01:06):
What does your fucking nap? Paul? Where the hell are we?
It looks like a bustling Victorian marketin fogy old London town on the eve
of Christmas. Wow, this mustbe the Christmas episode. Then yeah,
this must be Tom's version of aChristmas Carol. It's pretty cool. We're

(01:29):
getting more involved in these stories now. I guess been narrating this one then
Marley was dead to begin with,Oh, you're just going to jump in
and do it? Then after Isaid it, Yeah, I kind of
figured I was the more like CharlesDickens out of the two of us.
Yeah, but you did well.I wanted to rate some as well.
I'm just going to follow you round. Yeah, of course you can,

(01:49):
buddy boy, and you could besome of the characters we meet along the
way to help the story. Doesthat mean I have to do silly voices?
Because I don't really want to dothat. I mean I can't imagine
myself doing a stupid voice, Iknow, but it will help my story.
The Sorry, the story? Right? So when does it start with

(02:09):
the opening number? Okay, sowhen does that start? Now? He's

(02:38):
a bastard, he's a print,he's a cold ter ships people, and
I don't raise me either. Ratin aect you with this crap just like
that. I wouldn't touch you whenyou got no honey and you're cold.

(03:00):
It's really something to be old.It's no good getting old. You're better
off dead. But screws don't carea single bit that ground Bee from Bee
Bloody get will go and steal thehat right off your head. You're on
the breadline, feeling sick against meby sucking dick. Please don't take the

(03:24):
mick. It's just not fair.A scrooge has all he wants and more.
He's black and rotten to the court. He's wealthy as they come,
and he don't share. He's abanker and he's rich. And the stingies
and of ch Trader stamp you down. He's bent from twitter and terrible disease.

(03:53):
He won't say bless you, werun. He's good no man for
sevenpence, while schoolch pays himself dividence. He don't make any sense. He
has no shame. You're at deathstore and to jamplormal school bangs ye and
nather hare. We can't take anymore and east blame. He'll put your

(04:18):
purse strings to the test with twentypercent in to rest your weary and distress.
You've got no food. Once Itried to make him laughter. Instead
he choked me with my scarfet thenkicked me in the car. He's just
so rude. Let hevery Christmas Evewe pray to God to save his soul.

(04:47):
But every Christmas Day we find he'sstill in us. So the meanest
and truly man in London, feedby many and lights by none, the
man they call Scrooge. Have aknees up, Scrooge, am bag products.

(05:10):
Get front out of my white shipback Christmas. It can lick my
rickmy ball back. He's a he'sall run. He's just so bad.
He comes, he's cab came fallow. You've got it fluke and you're not
brest case feeling bad indeed for bathersand breed you on the street waiting.

(05:33):
See he's worse on Mondays. Youknow he doesn't seem that much different to
the Tom Weener. Yeah, exceptnow he's a money lender and has a
bad reputation for being uncaring and cruel. Quick let's follow him inside his office.

(05:53):
Good morning, mister Scrooge. Hereis mister cratcher. I don't know
what's particularly good about it. Ohyes, there's a mister Jones here to
see you. Oh oh, Isee one of them free loading fucks who
thinks they can get away with missingtheir repayments. Get me my whacking stick.

(06:13):
I'm gonna whack this prick good.Maybe just talk to him first,
sir faring, Where is he that'syour que Ryan. Oh right, hello,
mister Scrooge, Merry Christmas to youas a good voice, jee Hamburg,
Now what a fuck do you want? I'm sorry, mister Scrooge,
thank you for seeing me. Ididn't mean to fall behind in my mortgage

(06:34):
payments, what with it being Christmasand all. Bine stick. I don't
think beating me will help, misterScrooge, even though that's within your ride.
But I'm the stone you can't squeezeblood from, and that's true.
It raised me free. Now,mister Kratchet, let us deal with the

(07:03):
eviction notices for tomorrow. But misterScrooge, tomorrow is Christmas. If you're
suggesting you deliver them dressed up assanty Claus, that's going a bit too
far. But I don't hate theidea, no, I just meant Christmas
is a busy time of year forUS people preparing feasts, giving parties,

(07:23):
spending the mortgage on three royalties.One might say December is foreclosure season,
Toby Carvery, time for the moneylenders. All right, Ryan, Oh,
I'm not all right. It's gotbeaten with a stick. Your voice
is really good, though, I'llget fucked who's that. That's his nephew,

(07:45):
isn't it Tom Middleston, the onewho played Thor's brother. Hello,
uncle, and a merry Christmas toyou. Fuck off from us. Why
are you so cheery? You're toopoor to be happy, and you're too
rich to be miserable. If Ihad my way, any dickhead who goes
about with a Merry Christmas on hislips would have his arms and legs ripped
off and buried, with his dismemberedcock wrapped an ally and shoved up his

(08:09):
ass. Jesus, I don't rememberthat in the original. Yeah, I
think he's embellishing a bit. Youfuck about on Christmas how you want to,
and I'll do what I want todo on my Christmas. This year,
I'm gonna eat a family sized bagof munster munch and burying my pig
in a blanket into Missus Smithson's dancestairs pantry. Well, Missus Smithson,

(08:31):
the widow who lives next door,Well, a husband won't care he's dead.
Oh uncle, Christmas is a wonderfultime, a time for forgiving,
kindness and charity. I know it'snever put a scrap of gold in my
pocket. I believe it has doneme good and will do me good.
And I say, God, blessit. Give him my stick. I'm

(08:54):
gonna hit him. No, misterScrooge. So who are they? Then?
They are charity workers. You're terribleat this narration thing. Hi,
who the fuck are you? Werefrom the Order of the Phoenix Victoria Charity
Foundation. We'd like to speak toyou about a donation. Yeah, hell

(09:18):
yeah, sorry, it's catchy.Ah welcome. You're in the perfect place,
as there is no one more charitableand caring than my dear uncle.
I'm gonna killing no, sir,No give it, but well I must
be off. Merry Christmas, uncle, and Marry Christmas to you, mister

(09:39):
Cratchitt. Maybe Christmas, sir.At this difficult time review, many of
us like to make the effort andhelp those little less fortunate, those who
have no home to go to onthese cold nights, they stone cold nights.
I'm confused. Are there no prisonsor poor rouses? What we're what

(10:03):
we're There are plenty of those goodsir, Well can't they just stayed down
in? After all, my taxespay for them. But mister Scrooge,
you keep avoiding paying your texts.A lot of these people would rather die
than stay in those places. Wellthey better stop pissing about and through it
they creates a slap blash population.Right, Stephen, I think we've taken

(10:26):
up enough of mister scroogeous time youlow down, dirty, greedy son of
a bitch. You're right, itis a stunner. Stunner Yeah, yeah,
Wow, Tom really is mean,isn't he. You see this is
character buildings, so it's transformation.Later on it's even more dramatic. Yeah,

(10:48):
no, I got that. Theday's work wound on and the eve
of Christmas came to its end.Um, mister Scrooge, it appears to
be closing time. Very well,I'll see you at eight tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow is Christmas? Fuck me eight, sir, Aden excuse me, sir,

(11:09):
but half an hour? Half?This seems customary for Christmas Day?
How much time is customary? Well, the whole day, the entire fucking
die. Are you taking a pressif you please, mister Scrooge. Why
opened the office tomorrow? The otherbusinesses will be closed. You'll have no

(11:30):
one to do business with. Itwill save on a lot of expensive office
supplies. It's true. The biscuitssupply has been dwindling of late. Oh
the jammy dodges have gone. Itwasn't me. I can't put anything through
this mask. It's a poor excusepicking a man's biscuit tin every December to
twenty fifth. But seeing this,I'm the only one who sees that.
Take the fucking dire off. Seeif I care? Very kind of you,

(11:54):
mister Scrooge. Oh well that waskind of nice of him. Yeah,
I guess, but it was stilla prick about it. And with
the time jump night had fallen,Bain Cratchet was left alone to close up
for the night. I work hereevery day. I work here for such

(12:22):
a little pain. The nights grewlong and deack, and I'm so tired.
At least I have this job.It could be worse. I could
be robbed. Scrooge evicted him lastyear. I think he's dead. I

(12:45):
look outside the window pane, seethe white snow falling down. I can't
wait to see them again. Ipicture them most saving. Then it has
gone. Smiles so wide waiting bythe dream tomorrow weekend, dream of kiss

(13:13):
away. Thank God for Christmas,who years. I'm glad that once a

(13:39):
year we don't have to set ithere. It might be called outside,
but my heart is clearing. Iknow that I'm dead, part barely upon
to be sin, but am meis missing me, So i'd better have

(14:03):
you working home. I feelip thehope that every new year brings shooting stack
could see it. I only needto close my eyes, take a breath,
make a wish, and sunnily wefree. Tomorrow weekend dreamer kiss away,

(14:35):
Thank God for Christmas. To morrowweekn dream kiszleway, Thank God for
christ Oh so uh where are wenow? We're outside his house. Oh

(15:09):
it looks so cold and uninviting,just like Scrooge. His house resembled his
cold heart. Oh that was agood line. Thanks. Now remember that
Jacob Marley was dead and lotting inhis grave. That one thing you must
remember, or nothing that follows willseem wondrous, very crazy. Hey,

(15:31):
here he comes. Where did Iput my fucking chase? Oh? Door
knocker looks a bit funny knockers JacobHarley. Hello, that was scary.

(15:52):
This is like a proper ghost story. You must start believing in ghost stories
because you're in one. Thanks.That was weird. Probably shouldn't have sniffed
that glue earlier. Scrooge kept hishouse cold and dark. The darkness was
cheap, and he lightd it thatway. Yeah, but even so,
the incident at the door startled him, so he lit some of the candles

(16:15):
and made his way around the houseand searched the rooms. Steady, steady,
Where was that? What was that? Oh? But that was merry?
What's that? Oh shit, that'smy best hat. Oh it's sure

(16:42):
right, it's all right now,I'm done. That's what I cool.
A hard hat. Screwge settled downfor the night and try to forget that
disturbing vision at the door. Yeah, good luck with that. I would
not get a wink asleep offt Theseare good fucking now. Huh um,

(17:11):
Hello, who's there? Well,if it doesn't have any up, Scrooge
looking older and more wicked than ever. I knew that moisturizer wasn't working.
Wait a minute, Jacob Cream's Morley, I see your eyesight hasn't deteriorated.
No, you can't be. Youlook like him, but he's dead.

(17:37):
That I may be, but itdoesn't change the fact that I'm here.
No, no, no, no. A little thing can affect the senses
see a slight disorder. The stomachmay apps something. I ate this bag
of monster munch, the chewing gumI found under the desk at work,
that entire box of variety biscuits atlunch time. Yeah, it's more gary

(17:59):
bolding than is a grave about you, My dear boy. You can hearn
everything about you in an afternoon justlistening to some of the highlights of Hardy's
Hardest hats. But yet you canstill surprise me. What do you want,
mate? You can't have your wizardout bag. I already tested that
on several different people. It's absolutelyfact. Now go on, piss off.

(18:21):
Hern is ab screwed. Do nottake me for a cheap, ghostly
illusion. I'm not trying to robyou. I'm trying to help you.
I don't need your help. Lookat me. I'm gorgeous and sexy.
I got loads of money and there'stalk of a piggy Blinders movie. I'm
doing great. Thanks. No,you are not. You are a cruel,

(18:41):
spiteful and wicked boy. Well Ilearned that from the best silence.
Do you not see what has becomeof me? I'm bounded and chained,
punished for all eternity for the sinsI committed as a man. Yeah,
you would have laughed at a timethough. Plus, look at it out
there. You've got to take whatyou can before others take him from you.

(19:03):
Things must change, Scrooge, Youmust change. It is not our
place to decide what others may do. All we must decide is what we
do with the time that we have. Then, perhaps our goodwill, our
charity I love may change the heartsof those around us. What namby pine
be flowery bullshit? Is that enough? I see now the choice. You

(19:26):
have a tough lesson to learn,have a knees up, a lesson that
must be learnt. She will bevisited by three ghosts. You'll meet the
first spirit when the bell tolls.One cannot just meet them all at the
same time and get this shit out. A way to spit the first spirit
when the bell tolls, one shafahis soul depends on its Scrooge bargain made.

(19:52):
That was intense. Yeah, I'veshot myself. After Scrooge cleaned himself
up, he lay awake in bed, glancing at the clock and waiting for
the fated hour. Was the spiritof his former employer telling the truth.
When the bell struck one, wouldhe meet another ghost that could ment his

(20:15):
sinful soul? And did he?But well, yeah, I'm just about
to get to that bit. Haveyou never heard this story before? I
know I haven't. I'm just gettingexcited. It was just a dream.
Yeah, yeah, that's all itwas. It's just a weird just a
weird dream, a really freaky realisticdream. Don't even worry about it.

(20:36):
Mate. The clock struck one andthe house fell silent. I knew it
was all there the host. Irecognize that voice. I am the ghost

(20:59):
of is Smith's past. Wait aminute, Oh fuck's sake, not you
ginger nuts anyone, but fucking yourIt is time for you to see where
you came from. We visit timeslong gone. Why would I need to
do that. I was there,I know what happened. Yeah, but
now you get to see it froman outside perspective. Wait a minute,

(21:22):
He's traveling back in time. Agood idea, because I'm still sawing things
out from the last time I didthat in season two. Everything you will
see is but a memory. Thepost cannot be changed, but merely observed.
I beg to differ. So wait, I've just got to watch stuff
I've already done. Boring. Timedoes not wait for us. We must

(21:45):
make haste before the clock strikes two. Like we're going back in time?
Then are we supposed to travel backin time? By the way we're flying?
I can't fright, dickhead, takemy hand and see on my broomstick.
You fucking walk? Oh you makean actual broomstick? All right?
This? Do this quick grab ontothe bream as well. Rhyme. Oh

(22:07):
okay, I'm on and do wewe go? Fucker, this is amazing.
It feels like we're flying, weare playing. It feels like it's
really real. I don't I don'tknow what you mean? This is field?

(22:30):
How would you shot down your boarding? Its reading like I'm flying my
plane. I'm super maide made wehe? Where are we? Don't you

(22:51):
remember this was your boarding school?Was it? Yes? Remember the large
windows? No? What about thegarden down by the stream a stream?
No? Will Look there's you asa boy, is it? Yees?
That's you when you were only tenyears old? You sure? Yes?

(23:15):
All right? Red, calm down? How does he not get that's him?
Yeah? It's worrying how little heremembers. So why are we here
again. We are here to relivethe past that was past yours? Well,
no, let's just head inside.Oh, I remember this place my
formative years. Wow, their memories? And do you think he actually remembers

(23:40):
poor? Is he just pretending?Who knows? Oh? Here comes his
old school teacher. Wait a minute, I know that bloke, my old
teacher, Professor Brown. Okay,children, today we're going to discuss why
the abolition of slavery was one ofthe biggest disasters to happen to the British
Empire. Jesus Christ. Yeah,that was still kind of a hot topic
at the time. Maybe let's skipahead a few years, and that's why

(24:04):
giving women the right to vote isa bad idea. Yeah, I'm just
gonna fast forward a bit more.There we go. Do me have a
knees up? What do you see? It's me working hard? Come on,
having knees up? Are you goinghome for Christmas? Give it a
fuck about stupid Christmas? Wow?So he was always swearing? Then?

(24:29):
Ye? Why didn't you want togo home for Christmas? Or worster poring
noisy cousins? Stupid music? Anda mom insisted on cooking chicken instead of
Turkey like a fucking psychopath. Butdon't you see that by going one year
she cooked lamb fucking lamb for aChristmas dinner. Yeah, but don't you
think you would have benefited from,say, fighting bollocks? Professor Brown is

(24:52):
going to say something, profound,mister Scrooge working hard as ever? I
see, Yes, Professor, that'sgood because are going to become an apprentice
at one of the finest firms inLondon. I'm looking forward to it.
Professor. Good good, you knowyou have a head for business, young
man. Thank you, professor.And there's nothing better in business than a

(25:12):
man who knows what he wants toachieve. Yes, professor, And there's
nothing worse than ungrateful commoners demanding reasonablepay, sensible hours and safe working environments.
Which, of course, professor,Wait, what when your workers get
on a line, it's important tolet them know who's a charge, put
them in their place, and ifyou need to make one of them an

(25:33):
example, it's so Beard. Trylet's get past these bits now. Dot
Brown was clearly a horrid old bigot. He was so progressive in Back to
the Future Part two. Wow,this looks fun. No, why it's
the Arnold Schwartzwig annual Christmas party.Come on, get to the party,

(25:56):
drink bows eight bows and ban yeahyeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
What a lovely bloke he was fora foreigner, heart of golden arms
like tree trucks. Who wants tosee me? Bench press this three act

(26:22):
three? Yeah? Yeah, youngstrokes? What are you doing work?

(26:47):
It's Christmas? Well? I justthought finish up some of this paper.
Put the paper down now, butI don't want to hear any exclusives.
Oh, mister Schwartzerwig, I needthe finally paper. Darn the papers.
Have fun. That's when you firstmet who wasn't it? Oh the love
of your life, My poor piehair, the other love of your life?

(27:14):
Oh her, How could I forget? God? She was fit?
Oh well she made my Rudolph Knowsglow. I tell you you were to
give us siveral years, weren't you? Yeah? Were they happy years?
I guess so. But do youremember that faithful night? I remember that

(27:37):
night? No, not that night, This night Scooge looked day for his

(27:57):
younger self and the face of thegirl he had never stopped loving. Hello,
have a knees up. You haven'tbeen home the last few days.
I was worried. I'm sorry,darling, but work has been really busy.
Ever since I've got my partner,I'm always at the office. You
promised me that once you made partner, it wouldn't be long before we were

(28:17):
married. Yeah, well, thebusiness still needs time to grow. That
won't take long, and we canget married next year, he said that
last year. Business continues to beship. Once it's better, then we
can settle down and I can lookafter you proper good in it. You
say that, but I think weboth know the business is all you really

(28:38):
care about anymore. I love you. Have a knees up for who you
are, not to work, andI love you. I think you did
once. Goodbye, have a kneesup. Please take care of yourself.

(29:03):
It should have been a song there. He didn't really show how sad an
emotion at the moment was. Yeah, there was, but it got removed
for pacing and the kid didn't likeit. Stupid focus groups. Oh you
all right, of course, I'mnot all right, your little shit.
It took me ages to get overthat, and now you remind me about
it. Sometimes remembering the bad timesis the only thing that can bring out

(29:29):
the good. I'll give you badtimes, you little f Huh huh,
what the h I'm home again.Scrooge sat in his bed chambers, alone
and exhausted from the ordeal. Hishead lay on the pillow, but the
night had only just begun.