"Jacob Rees-Mooooog"

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, Paul, did you hearPrince Philip and DMX died? Yeah?
I did. Sad is sad,It's sad. I never got any of
his albums DMX. Oh it ishello and welcome to the Cold Callers Comedy

(00:50):
podcast in association with Quite the ThingMedia and the pod Greed Network. I'm
Paul Rich and I'm Ryan Brannon.Every episode, me and Paul get together
for a catch up and we inviteyou to go out into the world again.
But be safe. Oh now,don't you dare close your eyes.

(01:11):
Make sure you wear a fucking mask. You still got to wear a mask,
yes, and you know, poppingyour headphones and listen to the podcast
exactly. Yeah, ignore everyone aroundyou. Yeah. Before we get cracking
properly with the episode, we coursedo have to mention that we are out
there for you to enjoy the internet, So please make sure you subscribe,

(01:33):
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(01:57):
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Nagger and Tom Hardy even though theyhad the best mary um, but yeah,

(02:27):
loads ways of doing it. Yeah, Or if you want to wear
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(02:47):
say all of this. You're notgonna do it though, oh me?
Oh then yeah, yeah, youknow, you're just gonna like. We've
got one. We've got one forGame over and it looks it looks immaculate.
I think that's great. It's oneof the nicest looking teas that we've
got. And if you know,it's got a tiny little cold callers logo
on it somewhere. Um, butif anyone asks in or just ashamed of

(03:10):
us, just say it's my Iplay this when I play games in it.
I'm a nerd. I wear itand I watch aliens your game,
Am, I'm a big packs themmade a mistake of having nuts before.
I just pressed, like logged onfor this. You want you're a big

(03:35):
handful of nuts and yeah, madea mistake of gobbling some nuts because they're
getting your teeth. Yeah they do. It's um, it's the same thing
in it we have like orange juice, orange ducee or dairy. I mean,
obviously I don't have dairy, butif you're dairy can, I'm just
like, yeah, salty, yougo. Welcome to the cold cold callers

(04:00):
horror. I needed nuts for energyand now I regret it. Give me
some nuts. Yeah, but yeah, going out into the world again,
exploring, going into shops. Yeahthey reopened today the day or if if

(04:21):
you're listening on the day this cameout, maybe you're an employee of one
of these shops. Yeah, workingworking from what you're listening to us right
now, for you should be doingyour job. No listen listen, listen,
listen, put person one head phone. If you can split them up,
what is the deal with them with? What is it? What is

(04:41):
the deal? Then with what's thedeal? Then with with the rules.
So now it's basically most shops areopen now. Yeah, but restaurants and
pubs you can only you can onlyorder outside. You're gonna set outside,
isn't it still? But they setup in a marquee, so you're basically
still in your your inside again butoutside. Yeah, it's a technicality,

(05:03):
technicality, but you still gotta becareful if you're fair. I mean,
you were talking about it's earlier,Paul, Like, I'm I'm you know,
it's so good. The shops arereopening and stuff like that. There's
certain aspects of shopping in person thoughthat I'm really not looking forward to again.
Yeah, and if I'm honest,it's dealing with people people, public.

(05:25):
Yeah, yeah, it's dealing withpublic and some employees. Um.
Back home, there was a gameshop. I won't say which one,
pretty obvious. Yeah, well,I mean this isn't this isn't a comment
on the shop itself. It wasjust one guy that worked there who was
like for better, better use ofthe word a prick, and he was

(05:50):
the kind of like I remember thiswas this was way back when it was
the original Xbox that came out,and a friend of mine went in there
and it was like, oh,you do Xbox memory cards because basically on
the old Xbox controllers you put thememory card in there. And he was
like, do you do Xbox memorycards? And he was and he's an
in This guy, without looking athim, went no, we don't.

(06:12):
You don't need him, and thenwalked off, and then one of the
other one of the other start andeveryone, yeah, we do. They
they're just here and you do needthem. I mean, you know,
he wanted one because he was like, why if I save stuff and I
can go to a max and thenplug it in, you know, like
a normal person. But yeah,but I experienced that guy many times where

(06:33):
you just go in and you'd betrying to talk to him, but he'd
be behind the counter with a controllerin his hand, playing a game that
was on the other side of thestore, just like on the TV,
and he could be trying to sortof ask him something and he'd be going
yep, yep, anywhile he's playingas well, how is he working.
Now's he got that job. Ithink he might have been like a system

(06:55):
manager. Now he definitely wasn't.Managers are usually all right when you talk
to them, Yeah, asistant managersor anything like that. They're usually the
ones that are paying the art systemassistant to the manager. Yeah. I
I never had that in a gamestore. Um, but I did.

(07:15):
I as a musician, or asas when I started playing learning the guitar
myself A cow a cow a cownoise? What what you should a musician
as a musician. As a musician, this is one of those things like
is it is it pianist or pianistor you know, I say pianist because

(07:40):
pianist sounds like penis, but Ithink it's the one that sounds ruder.
Is the correct one? Correct?But I've read also it's actually you can
use either, So anyway, musicianmusician is definitely musician. I was.
I taught myself to guitar, andwhen I went into my music music shot,

(08:05):
it's like coming in New York,I'm playing music. They didn't even
say music. What am I talkingabout? Anyway? I want into a
music store like and and they wereinstrument Yeah, an instrument store, right,
And I don't quite remember exactly whatI'd asked for, but I might

(08:26):
have said. I might have saidpick right, and I'm looking for picks
and like jamine plectrums. Yeah,I mean it's interchangeable, but yeah,
yeah, pick but they just wantto be did. But yeah, there's
the sort of stand there with armscrossed, like, oh, yeah,
I played a guitar, do youYeah, what kind of guitar have you
got? Well, it's not that, it's a Yamaha okay, yama,

(08:48):
it's not offender. No, it'san electric. It's a Yamaha. Oh
okay. I mean do you havean acoustic as well? You just got
electric because you're not really a guitarist. I you don't have an accoustic now
I've got an acoustick? Just whatsort of strings? What gauge? Normal?
Too? Thick? Sick? Andyou know, it made me feel

(09:11):
really uncomfortable, nervous, like Ididn't know anything about my craft, so
I always hated going in. No, I agree. I can't can't mend
your own guitar. No, That'swhy I've come here, so you can
fix the the connection where the jackgoes in electric. Yeah, you don't
know how to sold you you don'tknow how to solder it? No,
no, I don't. That's whyI'm hit and you want the money.
Yeah. Yeah. I remember likelike sort of like trying an electric in

(09:37):
a guitar shop. And to befair, they were usually all right in
there, but it was a caseof like I was there with the guitar
sort of thing, having a drumand I think one of the guy was
like, why you plug it in? I was like, oh no,
I you know, I'd rather notbecause I was, you know, at
that point, this was you know, I was like eighteen seventeen eighteen,
still learning, and he was like, we're not gonna wait. It sounds
like you don't plug it any Oh. Yeah, it was like a point,

(10:01):
but you didn't because you didn't wantto sound shit. Yeah exactly.
It was embarrassed, that's exactly right. But you could have your headphones in.
They could have supplied you with headphones. I know, rude um anyway,
but yeah, another story that comesto my mind, similar to that
effect um is when I was inthis This shows my age in the Virgin

(10:22):
megastores. What exactly Virgin megastore haven'texisted for ten years and the rest and
the rest. So this must havebeen about I want to say, two
thousand and six, two thousand andfive, two thousand and six, So
this is this is going back ata while. Um So, I was

(10:45):
in the Virgin Megastores in Camden Town. Actually, um I in a while,
I went away to Camden Town forVirgin Megastores. But I went in
there. That's a bit weird toget a Camden for one. Yeah,
I know. I think I waslike, you know, at the time
of the time, I was likenineteen twenty and I was like, you
were in Devon, but I waslike Camden. Yeah. I just loved

(11:11):
Camden the years now, even thoughit's not that far, but it's it's
pain. But anyway, not thepoint. Went into a Virgin Megastores and
I normally went in because I normallyhad like three DVDs for like fifteen quid
or something for thirty yeah, fivefor thirty. Um So I was looking
around looking at the DVDs and forthat and I went in with the intention

(11:31):
I really wanted to get Blade Runneron DVD. I really really wanted to
get it. I was like,I haven't seen that film in so long.
It's kind of a film I wantto have in my collection, and
the guy working there so and Icouldn't because I couldn't find it. I
went up to him and I waslike, Ahi, do you have your
Blade Runner on DVD? And helooked at me, looked away and went,

(11:54):
no, we don't have it.Read the book? I went.
I went, I don't want toread the book, want to watch the
film, and you do not havethe film here or and he was like,
no, we don't have the filmhere and you won't be able to
get a hold of it anywhere.And I was like, what are you
what do you want about? Andhe was like, Ridley Scott is ashamed
of that film. It's one ofhis most hated projects, and Harrison Ford

(12:18):
and the pair of them have workedtogether to make sure that he's never released
again on Exist in Existence, andI was like, that's true. He's
like, if you're like me,you're lucky. And I've already got a
copy on DVD before are you getthe book? Read the book? And
I was, I don't want toread the fucking book. And there's an
argument went on for far too long, to the point where I was just

(12:41):
sort of like what is wrong withyou? Like, what do you mind
it in the store? Though,No, I didn't, to be fair,
And the reason why is because theywere rereleasing the ultimate version, and
that is why I think they werereleasing the director's cut and then the ultimate
cut, which is why they whyyou can get hold of it at that

(13:01):
point in time. But it wasthis bullshit story that you made up about
how like, yeah, Ridley Scottis trying to make sure that it's never
sold ever again. On the director'scut. They had the theatrical version as
well, anyway, did yeah theydid? So absolute bollocks. Oh no,
it wasn't the director's cut. Itwas the ultimate cutlimate that had the

(13:22):
director's cut and theatrical cut. Andthen I I've got now the director's cut
on d on DVD, and I'vegot the final cut because that's how many
cuts of this film there are.Yeah, this is the Snyder cut of
a Blade Runner. But yeah,so fuck that guy. I now own

(13:46):
it twice. Yeah, and Iown the book. Yeah, I read
the book as well. I mustsay for the film do Android's Dream of
Electric Sheet that is the one thatis the one by Philip K. I
just wanted to say, Dick,you just wanted to say second, my

(14:07):
big fat Philip k Yeah later inthe show. But obviously these shops are
open. Um, I'm I'm goingto be back to work finally as well
excited tomorrow. Um. Yes,try and make it believable I decided to

(14:28):
earn money. Yeah, I don'tknow if I my body is prepared for
and say labor mat manual labor.Yeah, I think I'll be a bit
tired come Tuesday evening. Let's putit that way. Yeah, I'm plussing
you used you used to be youused to be Harrison Ford. Now you

(14:52):
job at the Hut. I meanI can say I've got big mate,
So that's that's really punched in belowthe belt. No, I just mean
you've been living a life of luxury, like laying around fucking true good go
back, been sitting and just sweating, just sort of you know, a

(15:15):
lana occasionally popping like some crisps ora doughnut in your mouth when she brings
them in. I'm like, no, oh, she didn't call me if
that's slug the other day. Soshe didn't. It's because I'm not a
slug. No, I joke,of course, but I know what I

(15:39):
mean is though you know it's it'sit's a bit of a shock to the
system. It's a bit of ashock. Like I'm not gonna lie like
I've been doing a lot of workas we both have, like from home.
When I do have to sort ofgo back out and actually engage with
people, I'm I'm going to bescared. It's tiring anyway. You know,
they'll be like, hi that Ryan, um, like did you just

(16:00):
whimper scared? But yeah, I'mI'm I don't know about how how do
you feel about sort of like auditioninglive again? I mean, I wonder
how long it's going to take beforethey will it won't be self tapes anymore,
and they'll actually have auditioning live forstars, especially for singing, because

(16:21):
when you look back or anything,because when you look back at yourself,
you're like NAT's ship. That's ship. You only get one chance in the
audition. You do it and yougive it your roll and then you don't
have to think about it again toomuch. But if I'm doing a video,
I'm just I'm not just thinking aboutoh this is how I sound,
or now that that that choice wasrubbish. I'm also looking at how I

(16:42):
look. Yeah was You can't dothat in an audition, So I can't
wait for real additions to come back. I am nervous to perform in a
theater again. Yeah, but forno other reason that the fact it's been
over a year and I'm just abit I think my voice is, you
know, not as strong as itwas because I haven't sung enough. Yeah,
it's um noice say scary times.Um, it's talking about music.

(17:06):
I guess um. Time for myhighlight of the week. I will put
that pop on the jingle. Yeah, that's Righter's highlight off the week,
Your Gager's highlight after Weeker's rights,highlight of the highlight of the week.

(17:27):
It's Frager's highlight off the week,Gas highlight of the Week's Rags highlight of
the week. It's highlight up theweek. Restrung my guitars the other day.

(17:48):
That's it that Tragers highlight of theweek. It's highlight after week.
Simple one, simple one. Thisweek that was it was a highlight for
me. It was the highlight.Gotcha And right now it's podcast promo time.

(18:11):
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(18:36):
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(20:30):
you willing now to get on yourknees and ingest some knowledge? Always?
Oh yeah, baby, I've gotso much knowledge for you. Let me

(20:56):
spream our words into your mouth.Empty my ol cabo balls, Let me
be saurus. Your brains out,O let me see lap down my twelve
ins dictionary, suck my big fatdictionary. Hello, and welcome to suck

(21:30):
on my big fat dictionary. We'reback to the original format today, and
I am joined by the moronic imbcilethat is Ryan Brannon. Welcome, cheers,
You're very welcome, and it's sogood to have this fucking plunker back.
You can just get on with itall right. Wow, I mean

(21:52):
you did call me fucking jamb withthe hum you can Harrison to Hans.
Oh, I see, I seeyou were juxtaposing, were you? Yes,
fair enough you put them are oninto oxymore on if let's get it

(22:14):
on it, Yes, get righton it, get down on it.
If I was to say the wordlubency, lubency, okay, what would
I mean? Um, lubency,I mean my instant guess would be something
to do with how pliable something isor how movable, how luby, how

(22:41):
slippery something is? Um, yeah, that's my that's literally the only game
thing of it's someone who's a slipperydevil slipper because of the luebell. Well,
you wont far away from the factthat well you definitely we're far away
from the answer. But when yousaid about pliable, that's what you said.

(23:03):
You weren't far away. Because lubencyis the enthusiastic willingness to do something.
Oh I see, yeah, so, which is what you have Every
time I ask you to suck onmy big fat dictionary. Kept it,

(23:26):
kept it quick, kept it superquick this week because there's a long old
We've been told it's a long episodetoday of I mean, I don't see
how I can get any more dramaticthan it already has been. He's you
know, he's he's been in MiddleEarth. You know, he's been back
in time to the nineteen fifty nineteeneighties and the nineteen fifties. Yeah,

(23:47):
where can he possibly go? Now? I guess we'll find out how how
hard? How hard? How hard? How hard? Oh? What does
your fucking hat mate? Hello andwelcome to another episode of Ardi's Artist Hats,

(24:11):
the show that proves the Mad Hattermaybe mental, but he also looks
like a fucking boss mate. Asalways, I'm your host, Tom Hardie
from Peegy Once Twice three Times areBlinder. After last week's reveal that Baine
is not just my muscular confort done. But also he's my fucking son,

(24:33):
the fruit of my loins, mybig baby boy. I was left in
shock, so I decided to popdown to the shops for a bottle of
valued cherry aide and a box ofmint matchmakers. I don't know why I
fucking hate mint chocolate. I wasdriving in the DeLorean, though, and
forgot I shouldn't be burning down countrylanes at ninety miles peru an hour,
so I ended up traveling back intime to nineteen thirty eight. I found

(24:59):
myself at this rich ponce bloke's houseand we got drunk and started discussing the
most legendary hat of all time.I am, of course, talking about
the Holy hat, the hat thatfucking Jesus wore. He told me a
bedtime story, which was weird becausewe were both fully dressed and neither of
us were in a bed. Buthe mentioned that he was on the brink

(25:22):
of an important discovery, the finallocation of the Hat of Christ. Now,
as a connoissurat and an expert ofhats, I knew I was the
man for the job, so Iset off in search of the hat.
I went to Venice empty the fullclip of my water prepetcock into this Austrian
bird's nether region, and then discoveredthe possible entrance to the tomb of Sir

(25:45):
Richard, the Eldest of three Nights. And then bam, I got knocked
out and I woke up in thisship heap castle with a bunch of fucking
Narzis. Narzis could have given aroom a quick time before sticking me in
here you go stebbing Fax Golden Agemy ass. Fucking well, shit mate,

(26:07):
fuck me quick, I need aweapon. Do a men's dynasty vase.
I'd like your prick. But waita minute, Junior, Please don't
call me junior, but that's whatyou are, boy, I'm your papa.
You hit me Dad, Well,I thought you were one of them.

(26:30):
I like your hat, by theway, really complete the outfit.
What are you doing here? Theycame here to rescue you. Yeah,
but how did you travel back intime? Yeah? You have me weaves?
Well, that don't make any fuckingsense. It does if you ignore
the logic. Fair enough. Haveyou got my book Tom Hardy, Raise
of a Legend. No, notthat one, the one with all my

(26:52):
research about the Holy Heart of Christ. I left in a pub toilet in
Venice. If you night to gothat lemon Cello wouldn't right through way.
Yes, I got it, andI found the tomb of Sir Richard.
The inscription leads to Alexandretta alex IsLondrette. I knew it. Oh boy,
am I gonna wear that hat?Mister Hardy? Yeah, you want

(27:18):
hand to be the book? Now, mister Hardy, you don't think my
son will be stupid enough to bringit here? Dear, Wait a minute,
you didn't. You didn't, didyou? Well you did. Now
they're gonna get the hat and theyalready have hats. Sir, I was
dragged to save you. Yeah,well he's gonna save you, Junior,

(27:38):
I said, don't call me Juneyear. Look what you did. I
can't believe what you did. That'sfucking gross. Crom Dad bolded rights there
or I'll shut the girl spain,give up. It's going to do it.

(28:03):
No, wait, don't trust her. She's one of them. It's
fucking obvious. Look how blonde sheis. She's fucking airing as they come,
one hundred percent Nazi. How wouldyou know drops the gun, mister
Hardie. Well, she definitely hassex like an narzie Ben, Please help
me. How would you know howshe has sex? She let me have
a go on. It's fine,loot balloons times up? She dies.

(28:27):
No, wait, I'm sorry,No, don't be but you should have
listened to your father. We havethe book binds him. This chair is

(28:48):
well uncomfortable. Can I have acushion? Be a quiet? All right?
Don't ask, don't get do you. I can't believe you trusted a
Nazie Junior, because he didn't takemy advice. I did say, trust
no one, Jonovan, you absoluteship back, Junior, go kill him.
We're both tied to chairs. Ohyeah, I forgot doctor Schneider.

(29:12):
We must be going. We havea hat to find. Oh, don't
be like that pain. We bothfound the hat. I wanted more than
him. I'm sorry, my dear, you think that way. You know,
I can't forget how wonderful it was. Thank you, it was rather
wonderful. Oh you meant him?Are you even? Kissing him through that

(29:37):
thing on his face? Must belike sticking your tongue and a toaster.
That is how we say good byein Austria, and this is how we
say goodbye in Germany. Mister Hardyyeah, true, I'd like the Austrian
way better. Both are pretty shittyfamiliar if I'm honest, Let's get these
ropes off. Can't you just dolike a hulk raw or something and rip

(30:00):
them off? Have a feeling myjacket pocket? Do I have to?
Dad? All right? Christ?This is awkward? What's this? It
feels like a cigarette lighter made luckycham bad? Do you smoke through that
mask? It makes no fucking sense, Dad, just burned through the ropes.
Why give me a second? Fucksake and whoop shet uh, Junior?

(30:30):
Little equal problem? What the floorson fire? Quick move Dad?
And the chat and the curtains aswell, or those tapestries either way,
they're really nice, Dad? WhatDad? What the fire raises? Oh?
Seeing what you did there? Well, what the fuck are we doing?

(30:51):
Head to the fireplace. Our situationseems more fun than before. Have
to cut these roots? Oh?Well? Er Nazis Nazis shit? H

(31:23):
good god, this is intolerable.Oh, Junior, youve got a bit
of Nazi on me. That shitnever comes out next time on arties artists
acts who've never been in a sidecarbefore. This is fun backing out?

(31:48):
Okay, Dad, Why do wehave to go to Berlin? We know
where we're going. There's important stuffin that book, including recipe for red
velvet fairy cakes. Ye, intothe lines, then, Jesus Christ,
that's from blasphemy. Your little can'tfor goldsake. This seems like a mistake

(32:09):
now I think of it. Ohship me. It's at old Hitler.
H couldn't I have your rule mind? Cat? Hey, what are you
doing m killing Hitler? Yeah?That's fair fucking to be continued, mate.

(32:39):
Everyone has a point of view.Everyone likes to film the view.
These a movies a bras so wide. Did they give them one star?
Movie? Shit? Yes, it'sthat time again for why did they give
them one star? He won starmovie review? Game show game because we

(33:01):
play it and showed because it's onour podcast. If you hear this segment
somewhere else, tell us. Becausewe're going to take them to the cleaners,
right, take them for everything theyown and we don't give a shit.
Yeah, so that's that's that We'regoing to go going to kill the
neighbor as well. Whoa And ifyou don't have a neighbor then we'll just

(33:27):
you know, then you're in trouble. Yeah, we'll egg your house like
they did in the nineties. Sowhat if they have a neighbor, kill
the neighbor if they don't egg thehouse. Yeah, disproportionate punishment. We're
going, I say, right,today, we have a guest and I'm
really actually super excited about this guest. Um, she's it's for once.
We actually have a comedian on aCold Corder's comedy podcast. So that's something.

(33:52):
And her name is sus Kemner.Hey, thanks for having me to
be aware that comedian is just ajob description. You have to put it
on. Is that what you're saying, Well, it just you know,
artist subjective and get a lot ofpeople saying you're a so called comedian.
I'm like, hey, it's ajob description. That's so you don't get

(34:17):
there of any other job if youwork in I don't know, like sort
of like a bank, like socalled bank. Yeah. Yes, so
they're like they give you money andyou're they're a ten a shot. You
go, oh, so called abank person. Yeah, they just go,
oh that bank person fucked up myof tenors. This this ten pound

(34:38):
note is slightly creased, and thereforeyou are no longer a bank so called
bank. Yeah all this is abank. Yeah. I usually have all
these amazing questions lined up for ourguests because you know, we do the
research. So my first major questionfor you is how's it going? Oh

(35:00):
wow, okay, getting in prettyuh pretty tax I just answered the question
fine, I'm fine, I'm coping. Well, you know weather's looking nice,
that sort of thing. Yeah,absolutely ice breaker. But I just

(35:20):
to save me the hassle of describingwhat you do, because I could get
it wrong. Um, just tellour listeners who may not have well he
should be following you on Twitter anyway, because always a laugh. But tell
a listeners about you and actually I'mactually personally interesting. How you even got
into comedy in the first place?Okay, okay, well, so yes

(35:42):
I am on Twitter, Twitter dotcom, slash Sue's UK see you there.
I got involved in comedy twelve yearsago because basically I'd always wanted to
try it, and I went onFacebook and looked up for like open mic
nights in London and there was literallya group called London open Mic Comedy Nights.
So I went found one called ComedyVirgins and it was in South London

(36:07):
as well, so it was easyfor me to get to and I just
sent them an email saying like,way too long. Hello, I have
always wanted to try stand up comedyand this would be a good place to
start, Like just tell them Iwould like a spot, and you got
five minute spot. And I wentalong and I said to myself, if
this goes badly, it doesn't matter, I'll just never do comedy again.

(36:28):
Which is a great attitude. Isthat the Cavendish? Yeah, yeah,
I saw I saw someone do.A friend of mine tries to stand up
there, and let's just say he'snot doing anymore, okay approach and if
it goes badly, And it didn'tgo it didn't go badly. It was

(36:49):
very nice because it's a very niceatmosphere in there, and there's no pressure
because everyone's a brand new act.So yeah, I had a nice time.
And twelve years later, here Iam earning a five figure song for
company. Yes, that's right.Every year they all five figures. Yeah,
what's what is the prize again?The cabinish is like a pint or

(37:12):
something they want to shout out.So I'm a drink if if people shout
out by him, a drink toget yeah, and then I don't know
what the actual prize is because theydo pick a winner, but I can't
remember. Yeah, it wasn't.If you've ever won the Cavadash Open Mike
Night, do you write in andlet us know what did you win?
Did you win any? Yes?Was it worth? We'll get you on,
as did Don Bismos one the nightI was there. So he's the

(37:35):
first ever like comedian I shared astage with where I went, oh,
they're a winner. So yeah,you get Don Bismos on the podcast.
But there you go. Okay,Don, if you're listening, he's not,
he's not. You've been named johnedUm. So I met you through
a little bit of a singing jobactually um, and that's when I also

(37:59):
discovered that you used to do areally good impression of Christina Aguilera, which
is by no means feet, andyou used to be a tribute. The
reason bring that up is because it'sa very funny story that you put.
It actually took off on Twitter,this thread about the Cypriot mafia. Yeah,

(38:22):
the Cypriot mafia. Okay, Iknow it was a long thread,
but it was in I suppose acondensed version. What happened. Okay,
So this was never a secret,and it was always when I first did
comedy, So my first five minuteswas about this. Two thousand and seven,
before I'd ever done stand up,I was a Christina aguilera tribute act

(38:44):
in Ianappa in Cyprus, and thecompany that was working for turned out to
be just like this big operation runby two guys who were sort of on
the outskirts of organized crime in Cyprus, and the whole thing was all for
So I did a thread about iton Twitter. I literally wrote four tweets

(39:05):
about it two years ago, andit went buzzerk. So I was adding
more and more as the day wenton, and it went nuts, like
it was getting retweeted by Ed milibandmy favorite Milliband, and fever appears Morgan
retweeted it un ironically gutted mate.So yeah, they went mad and it
then ended up getting picked up fora sitcom which, unfortunately, due to

(39:28):
the pandemic, is no longer happening, but it's still available the execs if
you're listening, it's still available.Yeah. It's amazing how when you do
a job that seems truly awful inevery way and makes you absolutely no money.
It can eventually lead to almost greatthings, saying I couldn't just put

(39:52):
on the back burner. It's completelydead in the water, is Yeah.
They like people. If people leavea production company, in this case a
TV channel, if they leave andthen someone else comes in, they tend
to bring their own slate. It'sit's quite boring. But yeah, yeah,
I know what you mean. Yeah, that's it's a savage world,
it is. Yeah. Yeah,And that kind of happens in all walks

(40:13):
of sort of jobs, isn't it. It's like I need my people or
oh but I didn't. I didn'tfind that, so I'm not going to
put as much effort into that orjust leave it. Yeah. Yeah,
it makes a shame, but yeah, still available. Anyone, anyone who
with any power listening get that made. I'd watch it. I'm hoping that
I could just sell the option oncea year, but then they can't get

(40:35):
it made and I'll just sell itto somebody else the year after. That'll
just see me through. Every virusthat has ever existed keeps coming back to
stop. Um. Not only doyou are you very funny person, you
do shows in Edinburgh as well.I'll see you had to cancel yet again

(40:58):
for the COVID's Just ruining. Butyou also have two podcasts. Why don't
you tell us a little bit aboutthose? Oh, thanks for asking.
I do a Mystery on the Rocks, which is a true crime and cocktails
podcast that I do with comedians ChrisStokes and Sue Miless. We recently celebrated

(41:19):
two years of doing the podcast,and yes we get drunk. We solve
an unsolved real mystery. It canbe like true crime, it can be
like a missing person. There's sometimesit's UFO stuff, and then sometimes we
just spend two hours talking about whatactually happened with Charlie Manson or O.
J. Simpson because sometimes people onlyknow a bit of the story, so

(41:43):
we tell them the rest while drunk. And that is just had a we're
independent. We're just having a bigrelaunch, so if you want to get
involved, there's over ninety episodes tolisten to currently. And I do the
Queen Pod past Queen PoID, whichis the official podcast for Queen the band

(42:04):
Not Her Majesty, that I dowith comedian John Robbins, Rohanna Carrier who
is a producer, and Simon Luptonwho makes Queen's documentaries. He's a archivists
and documentarian, and we are goingthrough each album track by track and having
too much nerdy fun doing it.If you're a queen fan or not a

(42:27):
queen fan, if you just likethem, you'll you'll you can come on
and learn a lot. And John'svery funny and yeah, it is the
ultimate pot if you're a queen fan. I didn't even know when I first,
I didn't know you were a hugequeeny. Didn't even know. Yeah,
yeah, that the official term.I just made that up. I
probably wouldn't get used. Don't usethat with a queen. Yeah, queener

(42:50):
yet queeny don't trademark. That's right, Paul being in a musical about queen.
Yeah, it wasn't about it wasit used their music. Yeah,
yeah, I did it on RawCaribbean of course, years back. I
played KSHOGGI that was good fun.I did know this. Yeah. Yeah,

(43:15):
we call that seven Degrees of Ryeon the podcast. They used that
in a few albums, that songon the first, even the second.
Yeah, yeah, it's like,well should we put on? No one
liked it the first time. Isee if it was unfinished on the first
album, so they finished it offfor the second. There you go.

(43:36):
You know your stuff, you knowyour queen stuff. When you when you
run out of queen songs to talkabout, you should just get Paul on
and just listen to him talk abouthimself for an hour. How are you
track how he was on the RoyalCaribbean. Yeah, I do talk about
it a lot. Whatever, Yeah, I miss it. I miss it.
It was good fun. Wethers likeit isn't we've been stuck indoors free.

(44:00):
You do probably think back to beingon a cruise ship, getting fine
food and seting to sink for aliving. Yeah, I'm guarded because the
cast after me got to meet BrianMay, and the cast before me got
to meet Brian May. So I'mI think he hated you. Yeah,
I think more than likely. Yeah, yeah he did skype, you know

(44:22):
personally. Yeah, alright, youmoncause I'm just gonna sorry, mom,
I'm getting a phone call one second, Hello bo, Hello mate, Brian
can I I'm just kind of busyon the video I saw. That's all.

(44:43):
That's quite a good impression. Ididn't even I wasn't even trying that.
Great, You've got the same boyseveryone on the podcast has met him
except me. John gets to interviewhim all the time. Simon gets to
work with him all the time becausethey make the documentaries. Rose met him.
I I'm the only one who hasn't, So me and you have there
you go. Lets this happen,Brian, if if you're listening, this

(45:06):
is his favorite podcast? Is theQueen pard Surely he doesn't listen to Greenpod
that he probably listens to this.I think he has miss Greenpod. Actually,
yeah, I'm hoping that I couldbe like Kerry Ellis is understudy because
she gets to work with him allthe time. Yeah, just come up,
pick someone else. I mean,she's great. Yeah. I kind
of hope that Brian made usn't listento this podcast because there was episode loads

(45:30):
of episodes back we had a gueston and we were all just making fun
of his wife. So I reallyhope just the song we were anyone Jompson.
Yeah yeah, so that's yeah.So if you are listening, we
are sorry about that. We aresorry for making fun. Why you love

(45:52):
astrology? Astronomy even algy doesn't happenedin my life. Um I wandered to
just quickly touch upon Uh you area gamer, a keen gamer as a
Ryan, and I um Sonic.Yeah, okay, so you you have

(46:15):
a bit of a soft pot forSonic. We have a history. I
want to know why. Well,um, all right, So and that
is a little screen grab for thefor the listeners, I've put a screen
brab behind me on the zoom ofSonic two thousand and six, the worst

(46:37):
Sonic game have made. Yeah,so I got It's a tedious story.
Really. When I was seven wegot a sagamask system. One of the
early games we got was Sonic,and I just like fair in love with
the aesthetic. It really catched myimagination. I was doing like, um
fan fiction about Sonic. I wouldwow, um like play Sonic with my

(46:59):
friends and playground me, Tim Wilkinson, Richard Scott, Guyacas. We play
Sonic in the playground and I justI loved it. I thought it's brilliant.
I never played. I never hada console after the PS one,
and obviously no Sonic games on thePS one, so my era is early
nineties Sonic and then it just suckedthere stopped. Yeah, I just stopped

(47:21):
being a gamer. Yeah, I'venever enjoyed I can't really get on board
with three D games, and I'mgoing to have to because I can't just
keep playing doctor Robotics mean b Machineon Twitch. But yeah, really,
I just think something. It's brilliant. So and that's why I've done two
entire Edinburgh shows about Sega and Knuckleswas always my favorite character. Ah well,

(47:42):
then maybe you'll like maybe you'll likehim as steamboat Knuckles. Yes,
we're currently looking at a picture ofthat sex in the city and knuckles my
chairs in the way he does addknuckles to a lot of Yeah, yeah,

(48:05):
he's just done a lot of filmwork. I did have lots anyway,
there is such tenuous links as well, like turning its Yeah he cook
your fief, his wife and herlover and Knuckles. That's a lot that
my dinner with Andre and yeah,the same boat Knuckles was his first appearance.

(48:28):
We know this. You could doVicky Cristine in Barcelona Knuckles Knuckles,
Yeah, knuckles, And he's gotWoody Allen glasses on and everyone's like,
boo, hey, you you're WoodyAllen. Yes, yeah, yeah,
it's a weird one with Woody allisn't it, Which is all like it's
the same thing with Roman Plansky wherethey're like he's a genius. It's like,
yeah, he's also a sex offender. Yeah, let's let's just for

(48:51):
a second here. Yeah, I'llbut we don't we don't know. He
was never convicted yet because he fled, yes, true, run like the
word and yet the money. Yeah. Yeah, if they if they could
extradite him, then maybe would youreconsider It's a hard one. They always
say, maybe trying to separate artfrom the artist, And I get that,

(49:12):
but I just can't watch ants anymoreas if the one is when they
go like about Michael Jackson, likecan't you separate the art from the artist?
I'm like, what you mean?Can I listen to the way you
make me feel? They just imaginelylike whispering it to a boy. That's
all I will hear. How So, no, I can't get on board.

(49:34):
I'll just put prints on instead.A lot more fun than a lot
less. And he predicted this snowin April, so you know genius,
didn't they? Clever boy? Thatprince? Um? Okay, so what's
next? Do we know what's nextas we're coming out of this lockdown?
Yeah? What is next for you? Yeah? I'm gonna sell my sitcom

(49:54):
to Brian May produced first. First, Brian May produce sitcom for a vehicle
for the songs of Christina Aguilera.Yes, yes, no doubt, Yeah,
and no doubt and no doubt Imean yeah, to be fair,

(50:15):
you know, And what was hername? Gwen Stefani. Gwen Stefanie is
basically just a better version of Christinain what way? Like why do we
have to women against each other?I'm not kidding them, but most people
against anyone against me, but againstPaul. I'm like, oh, like

(50:37):
Paul's like the poor man's version.Nick Helm's radio show does with Nat metcass.
I did that a couple of yearsago. And they have a game
at the end called better or Worseand they'll just name two celebrities and you
have to name who's better or worse. At the end of it, they
add up your score and you're like, how am I? How are you
score? When they tell you howmany you got right, it's Meryl Street

(51:01):
Coldy Horn. You're like, Idon't know Meryl Street and they're like,
no, there you go. Alink between had them both in it.
Yeah, I watched that again recently, and what such a good film,
such a good film. Isabella.Yeah, Isabella Rossalini, like it was

(51:22):
one of my favorite scenes when she'slike, guess how old do you think
I am? She's like forty eight, I mean twenty eight film. That's
actually a good link. We're aboutto obviously we just spoke about some films.
So we're going to play the moviegame and just a sec. But
before we do that, Sue,where can we sort of find you?

(51:45):
Look into what you're doing, youknow, stalk You're like, yeah,
I just want to see what I'mup to. You can find me.
You can watch me live on Twitch, Twitch dot tv slash sus Kempner.
I frequently am streaming myself playing DoctorRobotics, Mean b Machine and other even
less modern games. I sing onthere too and stuff like that. You
can find me on Twitter, Twitterdot com, slash sees UK. You

(52:07):
can listen to Mystery on the Rocksand the Queen podcast and yeah, just
probably just those fair enough. OnYouTube, just type my name in you'll
find some stuff there too. Allgood, bro, assuming we'll find some
stuff there on Google things, Yeah, google me. There's anything else that

(52:30):
you want to touch upon before weplay the game. Because get the Tories
out, yees out. Yeah,absolutely, yeah, I know you did
again. I really enjoyed those videosthat you did, taking Trumps speeches verbatim,

(52:52):
but doing them as Lizam and Nelly. Yes, is the possible.
Maybe not Lizam. I don't know. I mean it's it would be some
fodder there with the Boris Johnson thatyou could use in the future. I've
heard a lot of people if youdon't know what I did, was I
dressed up as Lisa Manelli. Iput the over Office behind me on my
green screen, and then I woulddeliver a Trump speech verbatim as Liza Manelli.

(53:14):
And the funniest thing was when likeTrump supporters would go, fuck you,
You're not funny, this is soshit, and I'm like, well,
what you're judging here is Trump's actualwords. So it's one of those
things where it's like, it's yourtime, you're wasting. Yeah. I've
had a lot of people go,oh, you've got to do Boris Johnson

(53:34):
as Liza. All right, No, Lisa's Trump, Lisa's Trump. Yeah,
I don't know who. I don'tknow who Boris Johnson could be.
I'm wondering if, like I bringout. I don't know. He's so
he's not ridiculous enough, which soundsstupid because it's Boris Johnson, but it's
such a constant, whereas with Trump, like that was him, we saw
him. Yeah, true, it'sBoris Johnson a little bit. Yeah,

(53:59):
yeah, I think because Boris Johnsonis a bit. You know, he's
a caricature in himself. Yeah,like you know he is this, Yeah,
he knows like there's a whole storyisn't here. Apparently before he goes
out in front of the press,he ruffles his airy and everyone in politics
knows, you know, all ofhis friends call him Alex. That's his
name is Boris. Is is kindof like Boris. I still love that

(54:21):
video when he what was he gotasked? He got asked something about things
opening, and he went, wejust gotta wait, we just gotta wait.
Lots of energy, lots of energy, lots of energy for some weird
dark incantation. It was weird.Yeah, he's so, you can't really,

(54:45):
how do you parody something that he'salready doing a knowing parody? Yeah,
you can't force genius and what you'vebeen doing his genius and his bad
point people giving you idea, it'sthe thing, like someone could say that's
really obvi, but no, butyou didn't think of it, and I
don't think doing Liza Manella Liza Minellias Donald Trump is obvious. No.

(55:07):
It was amazing and it worked.It worked so well. It was amazed
at how many people were like,yes this you go, oh okay.
Well, so it turns out themost popular thing I've ever done is not
even my words. Donald Trump wroteit true, but you presented them in
a new way. Yeah, yeah, they go there, there you go.

(55:30):
If you had to choose between Lisabeing our next leader or or or
it's staying on his boris, whowould you go? Oh Liza, my
god, yeah, think of thinkof the briefings. Even if she's saying
the same stuffs as Trump, youjust trust it. Yeah. There are

(55:51):
a lot of people who are like, why is it less ridiculous as Liza
Minelli? Also my lies of Manelliimpression, like you can tell who I'm
trying to be. But it's likea cart so it's not like wow,
it's like she's really here. It'slike some mad timber creation breaking out the
song every now and again. Ijust it was great. I do recommend
it good. That's a good watchfor anyone who is on the loo with

(56:13):
nothing to do. I did.I printed out his entire He did some
insane speech two days after the electionwhen it was looking like you definitely lost
this one, mate, and Iprinted out the entire thing and read the
entire thing is Liza. It's likeeighteen minutes long. That's on YouTube.
I remember that speech. Yeah,it was mad. Yeah yeah, literally

(56:39):
learn it off by heart as well, because I can't give over. I've
just got it at my computer.Yeah yeah, yeah, And I pretend
I'm looking at the audience, butI'm like reading one line and then going
like that, and then I wouldn'thave known the magic. You didn't ruin

(57:00):
the magic. It's fine. Let'shave you got two reviews for us?
I do. I do fabulous.So I'm going to bring on my is
a YouTube sensation himself. Like thewhole time, he's just been standing there
patiently. Way he's in the corner. He stands like that guy at the

(57:22):
end of Blair, which he juststands face in the corners there and he
can introduce the rules. Obviously youknow the rules, but this is the
people at home, who may maybenever heard the show before and probably won't
again. But here we go,greeting SU's company and welcome to why did
They give Them? One Star?The one star movie review game. This

(57:44):
is the game where Paul and Ryanwill each read out a one star review
from a particular movie. Those tworeviews will contain all the information you need
for you to answer what the moviethey have picked. If you get it
wrong, we will force you todo a twenty minute comedy skit in front
of Bois Johnson and jacobris moo moog? What is her synthesizer? Let the

(58:06):
man do his job, let mespeak, sorry, mate, Jacob Rice
mug. Then once you've hopefully answeredcorrectly, it'll be all time to read
out to one star reviews for thefilm that you've picked. From there,
the host must get it right orsuffer the same awful, nightmarish fate.

(58:27):
Okay, that was like the childhe had with a cow, which is
probably something that tories do at theweekend. Paul, you're going to go
first if you do. If youdo get this, by the way,
sues, just pretend like you don'tknow it, because I'm going to do
one as well. For the same. Yeah, we've done this before.

(58:52):
We've been like, you know,just make sure you don't talk. I
don't know, I know, I'mmine are either so easy or so hard.
I can't really tell. We editon the fly, so feel free
to take names. Yeah, I'vedone that. I thought that would be
sensible. Yeah, yeah, I'mdoing Oh yeah, okay, you're doing
a review pol one star, thanksmate, one star out of ten.

(59:17):
No thanks. This movie is amovie that makes you think that you loved
it, but in reality, ithad no depth. There was no realness.
Is that word realness? To themovie? To the movie, it
goes off in one direction, thenanother. Nonetheless, it is so inconsistent

(59:37):
that the whole idea wouldn't work.The movie tried to do too much,
and all it did was spoil agood idea. Anyone who tells you this
was a more than a middle ofthe road movie, ignore. I am
disgusted that such a movie could beranked in the top two hundred and fifty.
This doesn't make any This grammar isawful. Ever Ever, nonetheles less

(01:00:00):
twenty three, But I don't knowwhat that means. Everyone who gained this
something he's saying, I think he'ssaying to be ranked in the two hundred
top fifty, nonetheless number twenty three, let alone, let alone three.
Yeah. Yes, everyone who gavethis movie higher than a five should be
ashamed. Thank you, signs off. Thank you, Thank you, like

(01:00:23):
like thank you, distinguished guests forlistening to my review of this. Okay,
much to go on there to know, But when you said to I'm
like, okay, okay, okay, it narrows and it was number twenty
three, so it's a this isa well thought of movie. I mean,

(01:00:43):
I was wondering then if you hadone of those skills, because we
had a friend of ours on awhile back who's a guy who basically if
you tell him, if you tellhim the genre and the year it was
made, he'll go and say itlike he has like this photographing memory of
years the film was. The filmwas rope cop. So we were like,
he was like what, he waslike, what's the what is the

(01:01:04):
genre? We were like science fictionaction. He's like, it was year,
we were eighty seven, he said, he said, he said,
make it less easy, give mefive years where between, so it was
like between eighty two and eighty nine. Whatever. We said that's not yeah,
wow, if that's the only onehe knows though, and played Okay,

(01:01:29):
it's kind of like it's Dinosaur Filmninety three and he's like Mario brother.
Oh god, it is correct though, so yeah, that is true.
Yeah, if it's a film,it's debatable. Did you know that
Bob Oskins and John Lagazamo they weremainly drunk and on drugs throughout the entire

(01:01:52):
to that film, like I do. I think there was at points where
Bob Hoskins said he didn't really knowwhat was going on. Well, he
famous slee. He took the jobbecause there was a lot of money obviously,
and he halfway through the shoot wentto the director. I've just found
out that all of this is basedon a video game. Oh my god.

(01:02:13):
Back in the days when they justhanded the script to a director and
when this is based on this,yeah yeah, yeah whatever, yeah,
just shue it. This is whenthe kids are like a strange movie,
isn't it. It's like, we'refucking nothing to do with Mario. You
can imagine Nintendo just being like,what have we done? Why did we
did too? Don't worry, I'llstill be here. And it came out

(01:02:36):
the same week as Drassic Park.Oh god didn't it? Yeah yeah,
I wonder what money? Okay,So okay, so I've got an idea.
I haven't got an idea obviously,I'm sort of like, Okay,
so it's a top IMDb movie inthe top thirty IMDb movies, and this
guy hated it. Yeah yeah,okay, I say also at the time,

(01:03:00):
because I don't know how many filmshave been made since and if it's
been moved to whatever, But okay, gotcha. Yeah this next one,
okay, one one start out often, seriously and tiresomely dull overrated.
This is by huge fourteen because clearlythey were thirteen more hues. Yeah well

(01:03:22):
yeah, and he was like,I'm filling you true. This review is
in nineteen ninety nine, so yyeah, has been very six and I've
just reminded me I'm thirty six nextmoment. Yeah, well, it's all

(01:03:42):
right, to be honest. Yeah, not much different you get to time,
you get to twenty seven, itdoesn't feel much different, to be
honest. Yeah, I've noticed that. Actually the worst year was twenty nine
because everyone went yeah, it's whenthey all go, oh, you're gonna
be all next year, the Bigthree. Uh, and then you're like
ah, and then you get tothirty and oh yes, just I remember

(01:04:04):
going to thirty five of him beingforty soon five years away. Never never
say the twenty five year old orthirty soon dead soon PRIs Okay, right
there we go. Sorry, soseriously, entiresomely, dull, overrated,

(01:04:27):
being involved in the industry, sohe's got you know, maybe it's Hugh
Grant. It's Hugh Grant, That'swho it is. Grant. Yeah.
Being involved in the industry and havingread so much about this film for several
months, I have to say thatit is a great disappointment. Blank was
badly miscast with so many close ups. The part needed an actor with a

(01:04:53):
greater range, who can convey tensionsubtly, subtly and can vincingly and not
the one dimensional comic book action herolooks with the ability of a turnip.
Yeah he loved that, didn't hewent take the day off? Yeah they

(01:05:15):
should have hired Hugh Grant. Blanktrying ever so hard to be restrained,
is like torture to watch. Eventhe much hyped ending is not so difficult
to predict. Too many subplots withthe dead people cropping up here and there
with little point except to try andscare the audience. A hand shooting out

(01:05:38):
from under a table is all oldhat. Stephen King fans will be underwhelmed,
and as Hitchcock might have said,it was truegelow and lacks humor.
Seriously dull. Okay, all right, so I've got a lot of info
here. Dead people pop up.It's a Stephen King film from ninety nine,

(01:06:01):
and it was number twenty three onthe IMDb. Is it not?
Well? If Stephen King fans willbe underwhelmed doesn't necessarily mean it's okay,
because yeah, I mean, itdoesn't sound like The Green Mine. I
think there is. There is abig clue with references to Stephen King and
Hitchcock, because I'd say this thisdirector, you could you could put him

(01:06:26):
in the bracket of kind of fallingunder those two. Okay, yeah,
ninety nine, ninety nine. I'mtrying to remember what year this came out.
I feel like it was, ohthe reviews ninety nine, isn't it?
Yeah? Yeah, the reviews ninetynine it was. If it wasn't
ninety nine, it was like ayear before. Yeah, Oh, is

(01:06:47):
this is it the sixth sense.Yeah, the green screen. Oh my
god, I got it a nicejob. Yeah, it's it's yeah.
The name of course being Bruce Willis, who acts like a turnip. Apparently

(01:07:08):
acts like a turnip. He's reallygood in the sixth sense. That's very
stupid, Like Bruce Willis is verycapable of phoning it in, but he
is a really good actor. Say, I watched the other day Surrogates,
which is it's a bad film,right, but Bruce Willis is good in
it. But the thing that whenI was watching it that I all all

(01:07:30):
I thought was, ah, thisis this is this is what it's like
to come out after lockdown, becausedo you have you ever seen something so
basically it's we're in the future.Everyone has like a robot version of themselves
and they basically sit in a chairat home and then they go around as
the robot and so they can dowhatever they want. And then at the
end, like they all get destroyedand everyone kind of comes out their homes

(01:07:54):
and their bathrobes like, oh ohthe outside like it. Yeah on Disney
Plus if you're okay, I'm intoit must be the New Stars segment,
right, yeah, right over toyou, all right, So I'm going

(01:08:15):
to tell you that one of thereviews is from Amazon and the other is
an official review. So I readthe Amazon one first and then I'll read
the official review. So let's seeif you get theirs. Watching this for
the first time and it's rubbish.I thought this would be awesome, but
I really can't get into it.It's impossible to get into the lives of

(01:08:39):
the characters. They seem to justnarrate themselves, then start narrating others.
Then the others take over and startnarrating themselves, and it just goes around
in circles. I'm not even surewhat's going on. There's been a few
fights, and that's about it.I'm over an hour in and I really
don't know where this is going.When I finished on Facebook, I'm turning
it off and going to bed.This film has done nothing but make me

(01:09:00):
angry. And that's by Barry Normanon Amazon on Amazon. Now I should
There aren't many clues, are there. I mean, there's there's a lot
of a lot of inner monologues andthe recogneration. Yeah yeah, okay,

(01:09:20):
yeah, right, okay, okay, yeah, definitely okay, Right,
this is an official review, Thisbloated three hour misfire is a major fumble,
seriously hampered by a ridiculously a ridiculousnumber of off the wall mills calculations,

(01:09:41):
including a sloppy narrative technique, anunremittingly dark view of human nature without
any comic relief, despite a numberof comedians in the cast and characters who
are so unsympathetic you'll regret spending twohours with them, much less three.
The real surprise, however, ishow dull it all is. This may
be the most boring movie Blank hasever made. Ah Mm hmmm. Me

(01:10:11):
and Paul have both got different ideasoherring, Well, yeah, just over
over message. But I think bothof them are wrong. I don't know
what you did you say then becauseof the narration. I was thinking since,
because of the different narrators, Andthen when you were like, it's
quite long and it's like a bitof a mess because it's all over the

(01:10:32):
place, I'm like, I canI can kind of see how someone might
think of since was I was thinkingCloud Atlas good. It's like narration in
Cloud actas some narration throughout the wholething. Um, I don't really remember
much about Cloud Atlas. My friend, it's a good, good film.

(01:10:53):
It's mad and it's very long.Wrong, shit, guys, are boy
wrong? The correct and rig Nono no, no, he won't.
She'll give you some clues. Yeah, yeah, maybe ninety five three hour
film from ninety five with a lotof narration. And you said there were

(01:11:17):
comedians in it, but comedians veryfun. Yeah, Rodney Dangerfield, I
believes in the cast. No,hang on, no he isn't. I'm
thinking of a different film entirely.Oh Don Rickles is in it? Okay,
Um, yeah she wanted another castmember. Yeah, I think so,

(01:11:43):
Sharon Stone Okay, okay, she'sbeen loads blesser to be flesh busy
girls only? Fine do you not? Do you want to know where it's
set? Yeah? Yeah, LasVegas. Oh? I was thinking,

(01:12:06):
like is it Casino? Yeah?Yeah, I I thought that's a long
film, maybe three hours. Ofcourse. Yeah, he narrates it,
doesn't he? Yeah, I forgot. That's weird, yeah, because it's
actually brilliantly integrated. So those reviews, but my favorite is that Amazon reviews

(01:12:30):
that goes when I'm finished on Facebook, I'm turning this off and going to
bed. Still on going, uh, this has just maybe angry. That
seems to be a common common threadwith one star. They like I watched
it for five minutes and gave up. It's like, well, you can't
really. There's so few films thatI've just given up on. Um.

(01:12:55):
Yeah, so because you've got it, you can't really give an opinion,
you can't go yeah, well Iit's like people who go, well,
I walked out after the first halfof that musical. It was so shit.
I'm like, how do you knowif the second half wouldn't bring it
all back together? Exactly? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I mean that's
why I namefully sat through Alexander theGreat the entire film because the completest,

(01:13:20):
hoping that it would get better.Yeah, I didn't enjoy it. I
don't think I've ever walked out ofpaid the money, yeah, getting my
money's worth it. I've walked outof the theater once. Oh what was
it? It was? No onespoke French. You have such shit reasons

(01:13:42):
for walking up, Sally, don'tThey like, I just leave if I
don't like it, Like, oh, good for you, But what was
it? Yeah? What did youleave? It was? Paul? I
think you saw it as well.I think we're a load us want to
see. It was like Ooboo orsomething like it was called. It was
it was very it was like avery weird show, which which was like
basically a band were kind of partof it. And it was awful,

(01:14:08):
like absolutely awful. And it wasIt's not like I went I've had enough
of this, I'm leaving. Ithink the audience, Oh yeah, like
if you never leave stuff, ithas to be really bad. I've only
done it once to a theater andit was got free tickets and then when
me and my friend got there,we were like, oh my god,
this is a play about the MarxBrothers. And I was so excited because

(01:14:29):
I hadn't known anything about it.He just got these free tickets and we
got there. It was only inthe little theater, sat down and it
was just the most awful thing,and the audience was silent. And I'm
a comedian who has played silence beforeit happens, and yeah, all you
need is someone who's just like Iwill laugh, I won't hide, i
won't sit here and science I willlaugh and it can often get the rest

(01:14:53):
of the ad it's going. SoI'm a very generous audience member, and
I just sat there going I can't, I can't, I can't, and
any my friend, let's go didn'teven way went blackout. I went to
I went. I saw some standup in Edinburgh, like back in two
thousand and eight when I was there, and it was in the Gilded Balloon

(01:15:15):
and it was in a really smallroom and basically where this stage was I've
told Paul about this before, wherethe stage was. The door that there
was, the entrance to it wasbehind them and the audience must have you
know the way. It's the smallone, isn't It only seats about ten,
ten fifteen people And it was halffall anyway, this guy was up

(01:15:38):
doing stand up, and then halfwaythrough him doing it, because it was
about four different people to extended,halfway from him doing it, this guy
from the front row gets up,walks up to him and it's like shuty
pole, he's just not funny,and then walks through the door, and
like the rest of us were justsat there like, oh god, right,

(01:15:59):
even if a comedy show is thatawful, just stay it's an hour
that is that will he will?I don't know who it was, do
you know who? Do you rememberit was No, I'd love to know.
I'd love to know the name.You can blank it out if you
do remember. No, it wasso long ago. I really like that
sort of thing, Like the guywho did that is a bigger asshole than

(01:16:23):
the comedian, no matter how badthe comedian was. Oh yeah, shit
thing to do. And of courseit was one of the locals. Oh
yeah, exactly. I'm going totell you that. It's like, it's
like when guys on Twitter reply tome. The reply guys that go like,
this isn't funny. This tweet,it's not funny, And it's like
if doing that in real life,you wouldn't would you? And someone did

(01:16:45):
it? But I have seen thatsort of thing before. There was a
there's a comedian called Luke McQueen who'samazing, and he was he did he
did a show where his persona onstage as a man falling apart and if
you're into it and you get ithilarious, if you just got him when
I was laughing, right, Iprobably sent you like I think. I
think Leagu's brilliant. He had abit where he said, I've got a

(01:17:10):
special power. I can go backin time five minutes, so I can
do anything right now. It doesn'tmatter. I could just go back in
time five minutes. And he startedslagging off Edinburgh, going like it's a
shit old city that is only goodfor one month of the year when the
English come up and make it good. And he kept going like I can
do it, and we're all laughingbecause obviously, like the idea. There

(01:17:30):
were these five people in the front, these five blows with their arms folded
like fuck you, and they'd beenlike it through the whole show, and
he obviously knew there were Scottish becausethat's what I was doing it. He
was like, you, you're probablyhating this, aren't you. But I
can say whatever I like because Icould go back in time five minutes.
And then he had like two markerpens that he shook and he went five
minutes back, five minutes back,and then he went, oh, it's

(01:17:50):
not worked, it's not worked,and one of the guys got up and
he went, yes, shows pishand left with them and localed after them.
The word is piss. I thinkthat must have happened before I saw

(01:18:13):
him, because I'm pretty sure hethen told that story, probably, but
I think it was. I thinkit were in twenty fifteen or sixteen.
Maybe I saw a few years afterthat then. I think, I'm sure
he does have walkouts quite a lot. Funny, really, I think like
Scottish people are some of the funniestpeople I know, But you don't you

(01:18:35):
don't talk about Scotland against them,Like there's a real element of Edinburgh of
like we've invaded their city for amonth, but it's so good for tourism
that they have to let it happen, but they hate it so Like Mike,
I was in a venue called theGlobe Bar twenty eighteen, twenty nineteen,
and the guy ran the bar washe just fucking hated the comedians being

(01:18:59):
in his He hated, he couldn'tstand it, and he and I tried
to be nice to him. Myshow was like a brag brag. My
show was packed every day. Sothey're all buying drinks, right, and
I always make sure I very visiblyput a five or ten out after the
show in their tip jar, likethanks so much, guys, thanks really
really enjoying my month. And hewas always like and then on like two

(01:19:21):
days before the last day, Isaid, are you looking forward to getting
your city back, because I wasyou know, I was just trying to
be nice. I said, I'vehad such a nice time here. You
looking forward to getting your city backin a couple of days. He went,
yeah, I can't wait till alot of you just fuck off.

(01:19:42):
Oh my god, four of yourbrain go giving him fucking ten pounds every
time. I was like, twopounds off me in their tip jar.
But the staff was nice. Itwas just him. He hated it.
I arrived the second year, Iwent up there. I arrived with all
my stuff. I went, Hi, thanks so much for letting me keep

(01:20:04):
my stuff here for the whole month. Again he was like, he went,
oh, you look knackered, andI said, yeah, yeah,
I drove up yesterday. It takesnine hours. He went, of your
hood of a thing called planes.And I'd had enough of him from last
year, and I had always beenso nice, and I went, yeah
I have am I going to takeall this on a fucking plane? And

(01:20:25):
he seemed to like that. Hewas like a big projector big projector stand
like, am I going to getall this on an aeroplane? He absolutely
wanted. He wanted that fight backfrom the horrible little English girl. Nicely
done. Well, I think thatis all we have time for his live

(01:20:49):
the producers tell us, which meanstime's up one more time. Just tell
us where we can find you again, Twitter dot com, slash Sue's uk
so zed uk. You find meon twitch dot tv slash soo z k

(01:21:13):
e M p n e R that'smy name, and look up those names
on Google and that find some terriblestories about stuff I've done. Great listen,
thank you so much for coming on. It's been an absolute block.
Thank you. It's been really fun. And we will um, yeah,
we'll leave it there world. Yes, we'll all grab a drink, you

(01:21:38):
know, when we're all allowed,we should. And there's so many people
who I really should have a drinkwithin the real world when we're allowed,
who I've spent years not in apandemic going hey, yeah, we'll catch
up and you just don't do so. Now I'm going to make it my
mission this summer. Just get pissedwith people every day. Don't get's face,

(01:21:58):
yeah exactly, don't give me spitin your mouth. There's obviously it's
still definitely people that I still won'tsee, but that's yeah, yeah,
they know who they are. Yeah, but anyway, thank you so much.
We wish you all the best andhopefully, I mean, I'll keep

(01:22:19):
my fingers crossed for your your yourTV sitcom Pitch and the two se me
through. Absolutely thank you, yes, thank you very much sus Kempner for
that amazing interview. Loved it.Pleasure fun slip pleasure. Yeah, thanks

(01:22:41):
again for coming on. She playedthe one star movie review game with us,
and now it's your turn to playat home. That's right. But
who won last week? Well lastweek the first person to get the film
right the film was, of course, yeah, as good as it gets,
because he get as good as youget, which is said in the

(01:23:02):
film Jack Nicholson says it of thefilm. He says in the Psychologists Yeah
as he's leaving is yeah, andhe's like he said it. The podcast
called let Me Tell You Something,bitch won that one. And I would
say who who is by? Butshe says she remains anonymous to protect the

(01:23:28):
guilty in a trailer and I can'tthink to find a name anywhere. She
is anonymous. Um, but it'sby no crime here media. Um,
so if you're listening, just whoare you? But if you are actually
anonymous. That's fine, that's fine. Um. And who was our runner
up? Our runner up was theguys over at the Best Film Ever Podcast.

(01:23:53):
And they should know their films.They should. Yeah, and yeah,
they still came second. Here isyeah, but what do they get
for coming second? They get acongratulatory nod and here it is. Okay

(01:24:15):
done. Now, if you guyswant to play at home for this week's
this week's movie review one star review, then all you have to do is
tweet us at Cold Callers Instagram,dms at Cold Callers Underscore Comedy. You
can Facebook messages just look for ColdCallers Comedy, or you can email us

(01:24:35):
at Cold Callers Comedy at gmail dotcom. Yes, but with the answer,
don't I mean you could just sayhello, say hello, yeah,
but give us the answer. Butto do that, you've got to listen
carefully to these reviews. Yeah,are you going to go first? Powell?
Think I might be going first,go first? One star out of

(01:24:59):
ten. Awful, it is capitalized. Turn this load of crap off after
thirty seconds. Thirty seconds, it'senough to know, isn't that just still
the opening credits? Anyway? Yeah, who wants to watch a movie that
is mainly silent. I thought myTV was broken for a while until I

(01:25:21):
turned on a proper film. Justbecause this film made one hundred and eighty
eight million at the US box officemeans sod all. That just men as
I think he meant means but he'stype Yeah, that just means us.
There was a lot of people withhigh hopes who were let down thirty seconds.

(01:25:41):
How do you know the rest ofthe film is gonna be silent?
Like he said, I think he'san exaggerator. Yeah, I do as
well. What a prick. Well, if you thought that review is bad,
just listen to this one. Thisone is atrocious. This one is
awful. So I can tell youalready that the reviewer is Patrick James Watson,

(01:26:02):
and I'm saying his name because he'swritten it down. Suck him the
worst movie I have ever seen.This movie is so stupid. I laughed
all the way through. That's whata crazy person does in a cinema.

(01:26:23):
He then goes on to say,do not believe the hype. Anyone with
a brain will hate this movie.It is just an expensive couple's retreat for
the two narcissistic, talentless hacks.That made it. She's absolutely terrible,
infuriatingly dumb. Anyone who has seenany movie before will see how much this

(01:26:44):
has ripped off other much better movies. Terrible grammar, terrible english, and
why is it Blank's mouth is alwaysopen? Maybe it's too many nose jobs
Christ, whatever the reason, sheis the second worst thing in this movie.
He doesn't say what the worst thingis that. Maybe it's maybe it's

(01:27:05):
her partner. I don't know,but either way, unbelievably harsh and so
judgmental, no less like is thereenough to go on for either of those?
Your views? They do you reckon? I think so? Okay,
I think so, I think thebig things are I have been said,

(01:27:27):
sure, okay, cool. Yeah, it's a hard one this week.
So if you if you, ifyou think you know your shit and you
know you're in you're a film buffand tell us about it, come on,
then enough that way. But it'sbeen a pleasure as always, Um
to my cohort, my co host, my partner in crime, poor rich,

(01:27:48):
confidant, confidant, big boy thejob. But to your heart.
Yeah, it's always for those ofyou at home. Don't forget to rate,
review and subscribe, and if youdon't want to do any of those
things, then I suggest you takeyour hands out of your pants for one

(01:28:10):
second, stop stop thumbing your asshole, and stop pulling your pud, and
go and do it, rate,review and subscribe. Yeah we could do
with the help. We really could. And don't forget Patroon. I know
we got it before. It's thereand it's there to help us help you.
Well it's really there to help us. But by helping us help you,

(01:28:32):
but to help us, it willbe able to create better and more
exciting content and more fun content foryou, for you, for you know,
there's always new stuff coming out,so exactly check it out. So
until next time, I've been Pauland I've been Ryan and he's been Ryan.

(01:28:57):
See you later. Bye. Four

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