Paul's Bald Balls

Episode 68
Paul’s Bald Balls

In this episode, Paul raves about his new grooming device that ALL self respecting men should treat themselves to. The Turf Chopper 3.0 by Smooth My Balls. If you like the sound of it… get yours with a discount (automatically applied at checkout by clicking this link: https://www.smoothmyballs.com/coldcallers

Also we discuss England’s Euro 2020 prospects or lack thereof.

Ryan’s 'Highlight of the Week’ is a lesson in being safety conscious. Then I attempt to shove my well endowed intellect down Ryan’s throat in another edition of “Suck on my Big Fat Dictionary”.

In Hardy’s Hardest Hats, Tom Hardy edges closer to a meeting with Professor Dumbledore to borrow his time turner… but Dumbledore and Professor Snape have other ideas.

We’re super excited to be joined by Anto Buckley & Patrick Cook who are fabulous dancers, fantastic performers, wonderful humans and most importantly… good friends! We talk about what made them enter the world of performing arts and how the pandemic has shaped their lives into a different shape than they had planned for,
Oh and we also smashed out a game of ‘Why Did They Give Them 1 Star!?’

Here’s the links for Anto & Patrick:

Instagram (Anto) - https://www.instagram.com/antobuckley_dancer
Instagram (Patrick) - https://www.instagram.com/patrick_cook

Podcast Promo this week is for the Let’s Start A Cult Podcast, hosted by Josh Schell - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lets-start-a-cult/id1532999976

We really need your support. We do this because we love it. But right now, due to current times, we’re really struggling. We want to be able to focus more energy into what you hear. And that’s where we need your help. From as little as £3, you can help support us and fund future, exciting content. All whilst getting exclusive bonus content that no one else can hear. So… Wanna be a patron? Here’s where you go - https://www.patreon.com/coldcallerscomedy

As always, all OUR links to our socials are growing on a handy Linktree - https://www.linktr.ee/ColdCallersComedy & you can get your hands on our lovely MERCH here - https://teespring.com/stores/cold-callers-comedy


All the best & Don't Forget The Comedy!
Members of QTT Media - https://quitethethingmedia.com

RyPaul

Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cold-callers-comedy--4694450/support.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
It's comeing. No, it's comingnome, it's coming what? What?
What? What's coming home? Football? Isn't it is? Isn't it already
at home? I mean yeah,but like we made football, so it's
you know, it's coming home.We invented it. Why did it leave?

(00:21):
No, I mean it's technically it'sit's everywhere, so it's already home.
Then, I mean I get,I mean, yeah, you've ruined
the song. Hello and welcome tothe Cold Callers comedy podcast in association with

(01:08):
Quite the Thing Media and the PodbreedingNetwork. I'm Paul Rich and I'm Ryan
Brannon. Every episode, me andPaul get together for a catch up and
we invite you to have a littletrim down there. Oh but it is
warm, it is summer, it'strue. But before we get into that,
though, we need to remind everyone, of course at home listening right

(01:30):
now, make sure you fucking subscribeto us, make sure you review,
make sure you give us, youknow, give us, start go on
our Patreon, listen to our music, talk about us, spread the word.
That's all we ask. It's it'sexhausting, quite frankly, but you
know the fact that we have tokeep asking. Shows that it's not being
done enough exactly exactly. Have younot seen the film with Haley Joel Osmond

(01:53):
pay It Forward? Yeah, hedies in the end, but still you
know you pay it forward. Imean I hadn't seen it. Don't don't
bother rubbish now, Gibbon one payback. Oh that's very different. That's
very different. I'm thinking of Ransom. Yeah, I mean similar. Yes,

(02:17):
was that when he did recently?Like he was like, I haven't
watched it him recently, so Idon't know. Um, it was quite
good. Actually was it kind ofa puppet on his hand? It's a
It was like an indie film whereit's him in the late um Anton Yelchin
and he had like a gopher orbeaver puppet on his hand the whole time.

(02:40):
Oh, I think I remember hearingof that where he's got like it's
his coping mechanism or something, isn'tit. No, I have not seen
that. No, this was verydifferent anyway. Um, yeah, this
is to our mute. We've gota song coming out soon. Yeah,
we yeah, we do. Itis actually going to coming out soon.
We're not going to play a clipnow because we might we might do.

(03:01):
It's not ready. Well, ifin this space of a week, yeah,
things happened, it might do yeahfair with me and Paul, might
you know, might decide to finishit later on. Yeah, I mean
actually England might have been knocked outby the time this time, as ever
actually is released, which is aweek from the day of recording it,
which is today obviously recording it rightnow because you can hear us. Yeah,

(03:25):
it's bloody art outside, bloody bloody. It's warm. I'm sweating,
sweating and I and we're both hairychaps born, we are um and this
you know, the sweat you knowin the hair. Oh, I'm kind
of glad that I did get myhair on my head trimmed, trimmed my
beard up as well, because itwas just just too much. But you've

(03:50):
trimmed somewhere else, haven't you.I have Whilst I could wait for my
head to get trimmed, Um,there was something that needed an urgent dressing,
and that was my uh, mynether regions. When you say nether
regions, you don't mean the sortof like the forgotten lands, but that's

(04:11):
are that in the darkness shroud betweenbetween Hell and Earth? Do you you
mean I mean, I mean it'smanscaping. I mean, no, your
cocking balls. Cocking balls. Yeah, let's not beat around the bush,
which you no longer have. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It was once

(04:32):
the the Yeah, the glades.No, No, I was gonna say
name of rainforest, but I couldn'tremember one for a second. I was
like, they're all gone. TheAmazon. Amazon, Yeah, it was
the Amazon. Now it's a Sahara. It's a smooth but's still hot because

(04:53):
it's sunny. Um, let's let'sgo back a bit. What what why
have you done this to yourself?Well, we were approached coholders are approached
by a company called smooth My Ballsto trial and review one of their products,
and obviously I took I took onefor the team. Well this is

(05:13):
the thing, isn't it. Weget a lot of these kind of messages
where it's like, oh, youknow, promoted on this do that,
like, oh you know, we'relooking for sort of like people who be
interested in helping that ambassadors. Yeah, yeah, Brandon As We get a
lot of this shit, but thisone did take her eye because it's called
smooth my Balls. We are childish. We are childish. We have a
comedy podcast and they're they're all theirum sort of all their copy on the

(05:39):
website, you know, the waythey describe the products, the way they
name the products. It was verylighthearted, very tugue in cheek, very
upper alie, and it felt likesomething we could get behind. And I
was like, yeah, okay,I'll do this. I'll I'll do one.
Plus you know, if you know, if you review it, I
get sent another product for them,which will make my life a bit easier

(06:01):
as well. So what they sentme was called the turf Chopper three point
though it does exactly what it saysin a tin. It's waterproof, Um,
it feels good in your hand,so what does me No, the
turf chopper itself, it's got goodgrip, it's got ergonomically sound that's probably

(06:29):
not even the word to use.Um. And this advertising sort of being,
you know, having no scrape technologyso you won't nip your sack.
And did you nip your nip?Nip the sack? Um, listen,
listen, it's if you did anactual beard trimmer. I mean that thing
will be cut to pieces. Butyou know it's not like it's a flat

(06:54):
bit of skin. Let's be honest. It's a tricky you have to stretch
it. Yeah, you know,and it's gonna you're gonna nick it.
Well I think I nicked it twiceand even then it wasn't that bad.
But you know, I'll tell youwhat it looks great? Yeah, are
you completely you can? Is therenothing there now? Have you got it?

(07:15):
Have you like picked it? Haveyou gone complete? Is it like
completely clean? You know? Iwanted to I wanted to come with attachments,
so it's not It came like twelvemillimeter attachment. I was like,
well that's still quite long. Reallyyeah, twelve eight six and three I
believe so. Um, And it'sgood because its warpro you can rinse the
thing out. It's great. Soit's so what you're saying is that your

(07:39):
your genitalia isn't quite job interview ready, but could work as as a Don
Johnson Designers time. Yeah, George, Michael, you know after wham,
you know, having faith, you'rethinking of getting a little earring or a
little ball ring. Prince Albert,a friend of mine has a Prince Albert

(08:03):
wow um, And I asked himwhat is it like to sort of when
you go to the toilet and stufflike that, and he said like kind
of like it's kind of like asprinkler. It's never like you never really
know where it's gonna go. Iwake up most mornings and it's a it's
a lot of read to be fair, it's always the worst of the day.

(08:26):
Yeah, it's with the you know, you know, I mean,
I mean a lot of everyone knowsabout morning would um, and you know,
sometimes it's worse than others. Theworst time is when it's a lesser
known Beatles song. But the worsttimes when it just you know, when
you when you you can't, whenit won't go. Yeah, and you're

(08:48):
like, I'm desperate, I'm desperateto take a piece, absolutely desperate the
point where you're kind of having tolike hold it down. Yeah. Yeah,
you hold down in your squat aslow as you can so you just
get it all in. Yeah,you put the entire thing in the bowl,
like no mistakes, son, makeno mistake, kind of like doing

(09:11):
like a frog's position on the floor, but with like over the toilet.
Yeah. Yeah, but back backto the smooth my balls. Yeah,
the turf trimmer. Yeah, they'regonna send me chop chopper three point.
They're gonna send me a pube muncher, which essentially sort of hoovers up all

(09:35):
the hair into a nice little thingthat you can then throw away so you
don't clog up your your your youryour your bath or shower. Yeah.
Yeah, you can use it inthe show as well. Like I said,
it's waterproof, so that's pretty Sowhat the so the turf the turf
chopper and the pub muncher do youhave to work them in conjunction with each
other? Like you have to belike you know, no, no,

(09:56):
you Once you're done, you thenuse the pure pub muncher to to suck
it all up right, Okay,yeah out of ten, I'm gonna give
it. I'm gonna give it arespectable nine. Actually yeah, yeah,
because it does exactly what they saidit would. You know. It's it's
also got a good battery life apparentlyI have used it at once. Your

(10:20):
charges via USB cable just really handy. Yeah you um, you know,
like in sort of like like Gilletteadverts and stuff like that when the guys
shaved, yes, and then hisgirlfriend a wife comes in and sort of
like rubs his face and gives hima kiss and a cheeks. Let's not
go there. As as as alaner than that. Yes, she rubbing

(10:45):
my vase and kiss me on thecheek. Yes, no, no,
I mean did it done? Doesn'tmatter? So smooth smooth, my bay.
The thing is, it's good tohave one for their one for your
face. If you if you're usingthe same one, that's just not hygiene.
No, So you grab yourself adirt chopper today, Yeah, get

(11:09):
it if you if you want tohave smooth balls, especially you know,
if you don't want to have aswampy gooch in these times, Yeah,
then then get out there. Wouldwould you reckon? This would work for
for ladies like you? Or didyou think I think it's aimed at men?
I think I think it. Ithink you have to be very careful.

(11:31):
If you're a lady, you'd haveto definitely use the attachments. Like
I said, you know, youknow scrot you know, if you've got
a wrinkly ball stack fellas, Yeah, this this, you might nick it
more than a few times, butum yeah, use the attachments and you
definitely won't get get niped. Andhow long did it take? Well?

(11:54):
I was being extra careful. Ithink as time goes on, I will
be a little bit more less nervousabout it and just yea go in you
know, a bit more gung home. But the balls to the wall,
I don't know, probably took meabout ten fifteen minutes. It's not bad,
not bad, bad bad. Well, there we go, folks.

(12:16):
You've got pauls, Paul's bulls paulball balls, Yeah, bulls Paul's balled,
buoyant balls, bouncy buoyant balls.Yeah. Seal of approval on smooth
my balls. So check them out. Well, I guess we'll put the
details on Twitter and the show notesInstagram. So Paul's gonna instagram a picture

(12:39):
of his yeah, before and after. You're welcome. For some reason,
no account has been banned. Claimit was only fans and right, just
put put sunglasses on it. It'llbe fine. I'll put on Twitter.
They allow anything they do. Don'tknow Twitter allow and think. Um,

(13:01):
there we go. So what elsehas been? What's else is happening?
Obviously you mentioned you were singing thissong yeah at the top of the beginning,
Yeah, written in nineteen ninety six, and it's still mega football anthem
Um lightning San Frank's Frank Skinner andDavid the Dill wasn't the Light and the
Lightning Seede, yeah, back whenthey were good, um or popular?

(13:26):
Yes shot yeah, which as akid, I thought it was three lines.
I was like I remember there beingthree lines on a shirt. Yeah,
but I was like, lion makesmore sense. Um. So yeah,
it's the euros Now, which isa football tournament or soccer tournament if
you're based in the US. Thatis a play between like like a lot

(13:46):
of the European football teams that I'vequalified for the tournament. England qualified and
our first match is the day thatwe were recording, which is now today
Sunday, the thirteenth. So yeah, when you hear this in a week's
time, we we may have lost. I don't know. Check it out.

(14:07):
Good chance, good chance. Butit's a great time. Yeah.
Ever, what the country gets together, um, and the play you can
you can sort of put out payingCroatia today, so retribution for the World
Cup. We could have a goodteam. They are the very the Croats
are very good. Um. Butyeah, it's a great time. Racial
slurs throwing them out there, whatcroat I thought you said the crowds,

(14:33):
No, that's that's something else.The crow Yeah. Um, you know
the summer it's sunny. You know. It's when all the football fans from
like rival teams, they all gettogether to support one big team. You
know, like if Aliens are evaded, all the countries of the Earth will
put aside their differences and and justthen kill the aliens are trying to kill
us. It's like that, butyou know, less um less important.

(14:58):
Uh. And you know we getto put our our English flag England flags
out without fear of being you know, called a racist. I mean I'm
desperate to put my England flag out. I don't even have one, you
know what I mean. But it'sthe thing, isn't it when the Euros
are the World Cups on and yousee sort of like you know, Union
flags flying, um, it's SaintGeorge's flag. Saint George's flags flying like

(15:20):
you do sort of thing like oh, you know that's nice. They're a
football fan and the sporting the youknow, the country sort of thing,
any of any of the time.Yeah, BMP even still a round now.
Yeah. It's like saying, youknow the Nazis ever left? Yeah,
they mean they did, but there'sother yeah, well like that now,

(15:43):
yeah, the what's the Brexit Partywhatever, they're called the yeah,
the Resolve Party or some follock.Yeah, the Retribution, No, I
don't know, no, not youkip, the it's was it the English
Defense League? Ed you know that'ssomething. Oh yeah, yeah, they're
not a political party. No,but yeah, yeah, I know what

(16:03):
you mean you so yeah, soyes, we're in football fever. Everyone's
you know, hopeful that England they'regoing to win the tournament and bring football
home. I tell you what I'mhoping for. I'm hoping that. I'm
really hoping. I couldn't give ashit. I couldn't couldn't care less.

(16:26):
No, But to be fair,i'm you know, for people who do
enjoy football. I think we've hada lot of shit times recently, and
the fact that you know, thefootball is allowed to go on is good.
You know, pack the stadiums,pack you know the game is playing.
Great stuff. Still theaters are notallowed to be open though, that's
all I'm saying. That's but slowlythey'll be slowly, first to go.

(16:52):
We're the first to go. Yeahyeah, no. That reminds me of
something I read to day Oliver Dowdand the Culture Secretary um who that's because
the g seven is being held inthis country in Cornwall and at a Cornish
theater called the the Minac Theater,And all of a Dowden tweeted that you

(17:12):
know that that that unique venue becauseit's an open air theater, is one
of the six hundred and fifty theatershelped through COVID with support from the two
billion Culture Recovery Fund, ensuring thatit can entertain visitors from year for years
to come. And then the theaterreplied saying, sorry, i'lliver Dowden,
that's not true. We did notbenefit from the all money at all.

(17:33):
We were not eligible to apply.It turned out having a good level of
cash reserves meant we had to fendfor ourselves and utilize our own reserves.
And then he deleted the tweet.Yeah wow, Oh you gotta love it
when when when politicians tweet something andthen they go all shit and delete it
thinking can't get anything. If anything, it makes worse, It makes it

(18:00):
worse. Yeah, it reinforces thefact that you fucked up. Um well
I was recently so, I meanrecently of course we had the friends reunion.
We did, we did. Ididn't see it. I haven't seen
it. I still I still recommendit. Um, yeah, even even
though even though James Gordon hosted it. Yeah, it was good. In

(18:25):
spite of that, I personally wouldrather have just had an episode. I
just had a sort of like akind of an actual reunion episode, Like
I mean, sure, it's nice, you know, them all coming back
and me, like we were infriends. That wasn't nice. It was
nice, you know. I'm sureit was the big came out that that
David Twimmer and actually had, youknow, had feelings for each other in

(18:52):
the first season freck And that's goingto be because they're both single now,
aren't they, Like I mean,David Twimmer is separated, Jenniferniston separated from
Justin throw. I don't know.I don't think so. I mean,
I think that ship sailed what they'renot dead trainers left the station? Mate,

(19:19):
Can you honestly tell me that ifyou were David Twimmer and Jennifer and
Jenniferanston now was like, yeah,I had feelings. I think I have
feelings for you. You'd be like, sorry, love in the past.
Yeah when you look like that,uh not how you look now. And
I'm joking, I'm sure she's alovely person. She's still gorgeous though as

(19:40):
well, like still gorgeous. It'sfunny though. It's funny though, because
now she is they all are,they all have. It's funny because Lesa
Cudro looks the same like she lookedthe sad Yeah she was. I think
she's the oldest out of a lotof them. Actually is she? Yeah,
she's like only a few years.I enjoyed all the matt LeBlanc uh
Irish Irish granddad memes that keep goingaround. Yeah, well I will,

(20:11):
I will try and check watch andjust put up according because the rest of
it's great. Yeah. Just fuckingJames Gordon. Why he worms his way
into everything? He really does itend up taking over our show if we
ever get popular The Cold Corners Podcastwith James Gordon to ask you not in
any Cold Callers Cordon comedy. Fuckinghe All right, we've probably waffled on

(20:38):
for long enough. We have what'swhat's been your your You know, it's
been a lovely weather week. What'sbeen the highlight of the week? After

(21:12):
Wig went out in the sun,got a bit of a tan, but
not burnt. That's because I appliedsun cream. That the wig. That's

(21:33):
right. Safety first, you know, sumpsible, sensible. Apply that back
to thirty plus, you know,yeah, fifty, you know, protect
yourselves. This is the thing apart, you know, other than you know,
other than like, you know,skin cancer and all stuff like that.
You don't want to end up lookinglike a leathery bag by the time

(21:56):
you get to the age of likefifty or something. You're right, I
mean, the one agrees with me. Um everything I say. No,
like, um, I have quitetroublesome skin, sometimes of acne. But
the sun always helps my skin.I always look better with the with the

(22:18):
That's true. It is true.That is true. I think in general
you just look a bit healthier than'tyou if you've got a bit of color
tear, just not too much fuckingcolor. That's racist. That's not what
I meant. Do you mean,like not like a lobster? Yeah,
exactly, not that color. OhGod, take that out of context.

(22:45):
We're canceled now. We have beencanceled, cold callers, cord and canceled
culture a right. Yeah, Imean, you put your foot in it
there, but I think we cansqueeze something else into your mouth right now.
So let's that's right, wash it, Wash it now in the glass
of water, lubricate it because youare about to do the thing. Oh

(23:22):
yeah, baby, I got somuch knowledge for you. Let me scream
my words into your mouth. Emptymy vot, cab your balls, let
me be sorros your brains out o. Let me see lap down my twelve

(23:47):
ins Dictionary, Suck My Big FatDictionary. Hello, and welcome to another
installment of Suck on My Big FatDictionary with me Paul Rich and Ryan Brannon

(24:07):
once again is my guest. Hello, always a pleasure, never at chure,
never at chure. Oh, let'ssee if you can get the word
right this week. I hope so. Um. You know it's you know,
the weather is warm. It's hot, so I'm sweating. It's frazzling
my brain a bit. But Ifeel like I feel like I'm up to

(24:32):
the challenge this week. Okay,I just want to give a bit of
a shout out to the my friendsand family at home. Hello, pleasure
to be here. That's great.They don't listen, but that's great.
If I was to say the wordabsquatch, you late absquatulate, what would

(24:57):
I mean? I'm gonna need aspelling check on that one. Well,
I've spelled it correctly. If that'swhat you're worried about, how do you
spell its abs h q u at u l a t e abs.

(25:18):
So he's kind of how I thoughtsquat you're late, you're late? Yeah?
Is it squats or squatch squatch?Well, yeah, that's how.
I don't know how you say itwithout saying church instead of ab absquatter late
sul Yeah, you'd take you late? Yeah, silly, Like the thing

(25:38):
is obviously in my head. I'mlike, you said the word abs,
you said the word squat. I'mthinking of something constricting. Um, I'm
thinking of sort of like tension.Possibly, um, it could create tension.

(25:59):
Yeah, okay, Um, Ireckon it's you. So it's got
to be something that's even foul orrude. Um. So always I reckon
it's like um forcing something into someone'smouth, O god or so. Yeah.

(26:25):
Yeah, okay, No, that'snot right. It means to leave
abruptly. That's squat late, yeah, which is where I'm gonna do now,
but not before I say you cansuck on my big fat dictionary.

(26:49):
My fellow citizens, Earth is inthe middle of a crisis. Plunging deeper
into chaos. No, I feelyou'll pay angel loss. We can't stand
adelie by and let this happen.We must rise up and sorry, damn

(27:11):
it, Well this is awkward.Hi. My name is Josh Shell,
and I am the host of theLet's Start a Cult podcast, where each
episode, myself and some guests takea look at different cults from around the
world for educational purposes only and definitelynot to start our own cult. Join
me every other week as we breakdown dangerous religious cults, political extremist groups,

(27:32):
and every other kind of cult inbetween. Should I apologize for the
terrible Southern accent. No? Okay, Subscribe and listen to Let's Start a
Cult anywhere you listen to podcasts.Today's podcast is presented by Podgo. Podgo
is the easiest way for you tomonetize your podcast, providing podcasts with a

(27:55):
flat rate for ad space so youalways know how much you get when you
include an ad from Apply today tobecome a member and immediately be connected with
advertisers that thick your audience. That'spodgo dot com at p O d g
O dot coo oh, and besure to add our podcast in the how

(28:15):
did you hear about Podgo section ofthe application. Now on with the show.
So last we heard of Tom,he was up in Scotland. Um,
I guess we'll see how he's howhe's getting on now? Certainly,
let's do it? How hard?How hard? How hard? How hard?

(28:41):
How what does your fucking ma?Hello and welcome to another magical episode
of Hardy's Hardest Hats, the showthat proves hatters make of man? Do

(29:04):
you know what that means? Ifyou don't, then buy my new book,
Tom Hardy's Hatilosophy, The Philosophy ofHats. As always, I'm your
host, Tom Hardy from It's aPeaky Blinders. It's a peaky blinders,
a peaky blinders. One dream,one soul, one prize, one goal,

(29:33):
one golden glance of what should be. It's a peaky blind is one
sharp of light that shows the wayno more to man can win this day.
It's a peaky blind as the bellthat rings inside your mind is challenging,

(29:59):
it does of time. It's apeaky Blinders. The way thing seems
eternity a day will door off signer. Is this a peaky blinders? It's
a peaky blinders. They can beonly worm this ride that loss of fashnges

(30:29):
will soon be Dar. You bequiet sorry. Now, after last week's
episode of Infiltrating a School, forwhich is in Wizard Fox, I'm getting
closer and closer to meeting Dumbledore.So why can you just time travel powers
to set my past mistakes right andhopefully smashes fucking wizard hat wearing heading with

(30:51):
my nimbers two thousand. Now,that is not a euphemism for my bristly
cock. I'm actually talking about abroomstick inert saying that I would use my
womb room to clean out beltricks orStranger's basement oofed full of cobwebs. I've
been doing pretty well with my studiesso far, but I'm struggling with defense
against the dark cass. Apparently ithas nothing to do with perennium sonning or

(31:15):
anal cleanliness. How to wipe properand bleaching your anus. I wish I'd
known that before, as it israther uncomfortable in it. But on the
plus side, you could definitely eatyour dinner off it. Anyway, I'm
in Potion's class at the moment.I'm not sure what we're making as I
didn't hear what the teacher said.As I've been doing this introduction for the
benefit of you listeners. Are we'remaking polyjuice potion? But do you fuck

(31:40):
off? Does anything seem to bethe problem, mister Kendon lad No,
Professor Slagorne, I'm fine. It'sjust that Ronnie is trying to distract me
easily. May boy, you can'tbe distracting your fellow students. I wasn't
sad. I was just telling himwhat we were making. Is he didn't
hear you? Oh that's it.Throw me under the busy, don't you.

(32:00):
After all we've been through. Inever told anyone how you want to
smash the miney's backdoors in? Doyou want to what? Jericho? I
can't believe you've been talking about melike that. I know a mine.
He's an absolute peg. You shouldbe ashamed of himself. Your ginger canoad
time to make your polly juice potion? My lolly blue? What poly juice

(32:23):
potion? Collie dog ocean, No, it's poly juice potion, prolly juice.
Isn't that this rain? No,it's pully not brolly. Shot your
fucking mouth, Ginger nuts. Iheard what he said. Poly juice potion.
I've got this. It's paid sixtytwo. Got it? Here is

(32:50):
flaxuede, not grass lace ring flies, Lee says, oh, getting there,
you live suckers. Horn of bacon. It's by corn. Well,
excuse me for not hearing of afucking by corn. I'm just trying to
help. She does know us stuff, jerrychoke, keep it in your pants,

(33:12):
weasily right, last ingredient skin ofboomslang. Now mix it up.
I know I've seen cocktail right rightright down the hatch, jerrycho Now that

(33:40):
doesn't sit well, that's doing laps. That's gone right through quick. Where's
the nearest chitter. The girl's toiletis next door, but that's where moaning
myrtle haunts. Well, she's gonnahave something else to moan about him when
it moves. Ah, mister Candle, do come in hello, Professor Bumble

(34:13):
Snow, do you know I've calledyou into my office? Have I been
a naughty boy? Very naughty boy? Look, if this is about the
big bird in the painting, I'msorry. Okay, I didn't realize her
and any Henry it split up.No, No, it's not about that.
I'm sure you know Professor Snape,M mister Candleman, or should I

(34:34):
say mister Hardy? M mister ThomasHardy? How did you? How did
you know? It seems you signedyour real name on your potions book.
Oh you also put th on yourluggage, right, and whenever someone asked
your name, you say Trum Hardyfrom Peaky fucking Blinders. Then you remember

(35:00):
and you say Jericho Candlem. Yeah, that's all pretty damning evidence. Are
you even a wizard? Yeah?Of course really, Hagrid said, I
was. What is this then?Where it's a twig? It's a round?
Right, That's why I'm meant?And why don't you have one?
Look? I know it was inthe back to school shopping this, but
I thought it was just optional,like when I asked you to buy riding

(35:22):
boots for dramas school. Listen,mister Harvey, we're not ant know,
we just want to know why you'vecome here. Look the thing is,
wait a minute, who the fuckare you? I'm professor Lumbledore. No
you're not. You're a completely differentperson. Quiet. Now, there is
the gentleman here who thinks he cannothelp you. Yes, another wizard of

(35:43):
sorts, a professor like you two. No, I'm a doctor, doctor
Stephen Strange. Have we merited?No, definitely, not really. I
remember you being bigger though. No, I definitely wasn't a dragon you fucking
were. It seems you and yourlarge friend, of course, quite a
bit of damage to the variance oftime, creating a multiverse of madness.

(36:06):
Well, I was going to sayconverging timelines, but I guess madness works.
Can you help me set things strike? Doctor by Fair? We don't
have much time. Oh time,mister Hardy, is all we have.
Doma moved what a laren time?Time to be continued, mate, Everyone

(36:37):
has a point of view. Everyonelikes a film review? Is a movie?
Is a bra wide? Did theygive them one star? Yes,
it's that time again. For whydid they give them one star? The
one star movie review? Game?Show game because we play it, and

(36:59):
show because it's on our podcast.If you heard it somewhere else, let
us know. Because those people havea lot of explaining to do, and
we will not rest until they areburied along with them. That's so dark.
I'm so sorry. We're not intendingto kill anyone. Well, it
depends, It depends depends on howmuch they've plagiarized anyway. We always have

(37:23):
guests in this segment, and Iam very excited to introduce two or two
absolutely gorgeous people, very proud tocall them my friends. Ryan has no
idea who they are, but he'sgoing to pretend for the next hour.
And yeah, so without anything,without further ado, please let me introduce
you to my friends, who arefantastic, amazing performers and dancers. They

(37:46):
are Anto Buckley and Patrick Cook.Welcome to the show. Thank you for
coming coming on. Paul literally hesurprised me with this completely, has told
me nothing about you, but Ican already tell that you're a lovely pair
of chaps. So it's nice tome. Yeah, nice to me over

(38:07):
the over the virtual web, likedon't it doesn't like me talking too much
about my time on the ship Doom. We will rock you, which is
why I've neglected to say, no, I've got no problem with you talking
about it. It's the amount.It was a good time. Just leave
it at sea. Just we allneed to forget as soon as we come

(38:29):
back to solid land. It's it'skind of like, it's kind of it
is a little bit like when someonegets married and they're sharing wedding photos,
like four years later, you kindof like, we get it the video
again. Understand why these memories arevisceral. They are visceral memories. Man,
I enjoyed enjoy awards. It's thatI think that is partly it.

(38:53):
Yeah, when, well when wasit? When? When did you finish
in twenty nineteen? Yeah, yes, so there was a year but yeah,
but yeah that year. You haveto recover, then't you to,
like, oh, I'm getting usedto being back on land and finding work
again. And the thing is youget being responsible a place where you're actually
going to move on to something new. That's when COVID hit. So yes,

(39:15):
yeahs now we just have our memoriesof visceral visceral memories. Yes,
exactly, That's that's all we wereleft with. Anyways, give us,
give us the truth, guys,is Paul is annoying to you as he
is to me? Look unbelievable,unbelievable longer and they're already ganging up on

(39:38):
me with you. Paul was onlyever, just funny and kind, and
Paul was no more annoying than therest of us were as well. So
perhaps he just found he's annoying peoplewho we all just get a nice medium
and canceled out any of the irritationof annoying and we just said that joy
of annoying that Yeah, it wastwenty six I met. I was like,

(40:05):
but that wouldn't surprise Ryan that Iwas late a lot. But my
watch says bang on there like yeah, bang on still late. And it
was a consistent like three minutes lateto five minutes late, never like hugely
late, but just consistently past thetime we were supposed to being on time.
Sometimes you lived thirty seconds walk awayfrom your job. Yeah, and

(40:35):
spend everything meant everything, especially inbed. Anyway, anyway, let's let's
enough about me. I want ourlisteners to learn more about you. And
whenever we have performers on, Ialways like to sort of ask them how

(40:58):
they got into it because it's nota normal profession. Let's put it that
way. You don't normal person wouldn'twake up at the morning go you don't
want to do? I want to, especially in your case. I want
to train like crazy for many years, toning my body, getting into peak
physical condition and contorting into different shapesfor the pleasure of other people. Sorry,

(41:22):
what is your dancing. I've neverheard a description of thing like that
before, but I will start tellingpeople that I contort into unusual. I've
used it for born actors as well, so it's anyway anyway. So let's
start with anto because it begins witha solab How did you get into into

(41:46):
dance and performance? So I'm veryfortunate that my mother owns a dance school
and has done since I was born, so completely born into it, didn't
really have a choice, you knowthat you see dancing every day. You
go there because there's it's cheaper thangetting a babysitter, and realizing that I

(42:07):
had an incredibly natural talent for it, like, oh, if I could
go into now incredibly naturally talented,I am at it, but I don't
think we have time. But thenalso realizing it about seventeen years old that
I could do this professionally, youknow, I was like, oh,

(42:29):
I could make money from this,and then went on to train professionally and
work a stellar career. If Ido say so anything, Yeah, because
I did, and obviously a keymusician too. Yes, I where money

(42:50):
was saved on my initial dance classesbecause my mother taught them. That money
went towards piano lessons, and againsimilar thing is that I got to about
age twenty two and I was workingin London in Harrod's selling perfume, and
then I covered like a musical theaterclass once and realized that me playing the
piano, I could earn loads ofmoney from it because it was like twenty

(43:14):
five pounds an hour, and Iwas like, why was I working in
arrows? So very soon got lotsof pinn of work and dropped all the
sales work and was living quite happy. No, I was living the dream.
Really, isn't it get to getI mean, like, you know,
me and Paul do that, didn'tget paid anything for it, to
be fair, we do it youknow, at home alone. But still

(43:37):
we used to talk about the podcast. Yeah yeah, and Patrick, obviously
listeners might tell from your accent youaren't from around these quite foreign, aren't
I quite far from home and fromAustralia Melbourne precisely. But my journey started

(43:59):
in a I'm rary when I wasdoing a homework assignment and opposite I could
see into a dance studio and Isaw someone with this like fablong ponytail whipping
it around in a hip hop class, and I went, that looks so
much more fun than what I'm doingright now. And then I was like,
I'm still waiting for my ponytail togrow in. But I did Joe

(44:21):
enjoy that hip hop class. SoI was about fourteen, did a couple
of years of just that, andthen picked up more styles. And then
it got to my senior years inhigh school work don't what do you call
from me? If you're a levelshere when it's a weird thing, you
kind of finish off with your choiceof subjects and oh um college. Yeah,

(44:45):
I got to that and I decidedI didn't want to do it,
so I just dropped out of schooland then went and found a dance school
instead. And it's just kind oflike it's stuck. And I never planned
on this to happen. I thinkI'm more planned growing up. I was
like, I'm going to be apot stuff, I'm gonna be amazing.
I'm gonna like go and fill thestadium. That didn't happen. But m

(45:05):
as a dancer, I've been ableto do that, go and perform in
massive setups and around the world andships, and it's just kind of taking
it as it came people were like, hey, do you want to do
this job? Do you want todo a bit of this? Do you
want to come and dance with me? And it stuck and then I came
over to the UK after our whatwould you call it a meeting contract where

(45:28):
not you, Ryan, but wemet Paul right, not me. No,
I'm not involved in this. I'lljust leave. I leave, You'll
stay where you are. You'll hearthis, you'll learn. Actually that's a
good, say great, Patrick,because I did want to break this annoy

(45:51):
Ryan. I wanted a briefly talkabout we will rock you and the Anthem
of the Seas. That's not quitewhere you met. You guys met in
Miami when he rehearsed called the anthemof the seas because he went a bit
Armie there bore the anthem of theseason, the anthem of the season.
Oh yeah yeah. So um againwith that meaning to so you guys met

(46:17):
in Miami. Um, we allmet in Miami. Actually, but you
guys, you know, when youguys looked at each other, something sparked,
as opposed to when I looked atyou guys, and it was just
friendly, spark friendly, not thinkthere's no spark, not jealous. Fine,
well, do you guys know aboutwhat Paul said to me when he

(46:39):
was when he was going to Miami, when he was like getting on the
plane, do I know his mumbase? Yeah, you know his mum
base. He said to him,like, Oh, you're gonna like sort
of make friends with the people andlike and like meet them at the airport.
And Paul said, no, I'mnot interested. I just want to
sit on I just want to siton the plane, watch some movies and

(46:59):
eat and sleep. Yeah. Absolutely, we had to travel to each other's
countries at different times, and it'slike a point blank, don't talk to
me. This is twenty four hourswhere I have no choice but to sit
next to you, because if Ihave to sit next to someone I don't
know, I don't know what's goingto happen. At least here I can
have a boundary and a rule don'ttalk to me. Yeah, and when
else do you get to spend thatlong just sitting watching movies back too bad?

(47:23):
Yes, without really guilt free.That is very true. Exactly.
It wasn't that I didn't want tomake friends with anyone in my show.
I was hoping that they wouldn't beThey were actually in the end, but
we weren't sitting together. But Iwas hoping that there wouldn't be anyone that
was in our show on the planebecause I didn't want to have to make

(47:44):
that small talk right away. Iwas leaving my fiance, I was leaving
my home for like a long time. That wasn't expecting to do at that
time in my life. So Ijust thought, I just need time just
to be by myself. Yeah,and then you know, when I'm in
Miami, then I can if youdon't get hurt exactly. That's how I

(48:04):
lived life. That's why I paidthree. But you guys, so you
get sorry, So I interrupted thestory. But you guys met, Yes,
you guys met, and as spark, yeah, carry on her.
So how was it you have toanswer any of this part of the way,
but like, it's cold, butyou obviously have been together ever since.
Um, how's it going, Yeah, how's it going? It's going?

(48:30):
Well, yeah, it's good.Yeah, well it was. It
was the first day we got inMiami and there wasn't hard the end of
the past there yet. And Patricksort of message someone else in the group
saying, oh, come around sayingcome around, I've got tea, and
I'd already made friends of Vanilla,and so she was like, um,

(48:52):
I came and I walked in,and I was like, oh my gosh,
this guy is so gorgeous, andyou know, I've got a bit
like flustered. And but then Ithought, oh, he'll he'll never be
interested in me. But we juststarted having lunches together and and I sort
of be like, oh, hedoes. He likes me, and the

(49:14):
Luchs turned to dinners and listen tome. Didn't didn't realize anything was going
on. I remember going, oh, one night, maybe I'll go I'll
join you guys. I remember beinglike realizing after they were on dates,
because yeah, that's why they neverinvited me. I get it now.
But when you're in a cast andyou're like, you're like, oh,

(49:35):
should we try and a date thing? And you think, oh, it's
it's early days, let's keep itquiet, let's go under the radar.
We see if like we actually doget along or is it like, oh,
it's an international flight. I didn'thave to see Big twenty one.
I'm feeling revived now I'm in aforeign country. This is so exciting.
Oh, look a new person,and so you just don't want to get
a whole group because we had whatlike twenty people in our cast. You

(49:58):
don't need a group conversation of twentypeople being like, well, we're going
to go on a date, nowshall we all discuss? But there was
a couple points, not just you, Poul, where I think people didn't
realize we'd like catch each other ina supermarket on the way to a dinner
or something and come and make ajoke or have a chat like, oh,
you guys, look like what areyou doing? What's happening? We're

(50:19):
not going on a date. Ohyou're going on a date? Okay.
Well, it's so good as wellthat you've you guys are still together and
what you seem happy because obviously there'sso many horror stories, isn't there,
And like we've all kind of experiencedshow romances and they usually showmances, yeah,
and they're usually disastrous. So itis really lovely that you guys have

(50:43):
actually kind of, you know,found each other in that very alien world
of being another country, then livingon a boat from even after that life
from other countries, meeting in acompletely different country to where they live yeah,
it's amazing how the world works.I will find it more quite wonderful,
I think. Yeah. The funnything is it's the most unromantic approach

(51:04):
we're leading up to our contract becauseas well, it's one thing to be
in rehearsals and you've surrounded by manycasts and the vibes really like party.
Like for anyone who has done ashow and you have one cast and you've
got this cool vibe during rehearsals,imagine having fifteen had a casts around you,
all with that same vibe. That'swhat the ship rehearsals are kind of
like because they rehearse from all theother shows and ships at the same time.

(51:28):
But as we were going towards enteringthe ship, we were both like
great, so like, we'll justtry it for a bit on board.
If it doesn't work, we'll justend it like no problem, yet,
we'll just keep talking about it.There was none of this like wow,
I'm so excited to go and explorethe Caribbean with you, like let's go
and lay on beaches. It wasthis hard bland like if we don't like
each other, we will just breakup and that's fine. Even now,
three years we'll say like, look, if you're not happy, he does

(51:51):
go like a rather you you're stillin this? Cool? Yeah? I
just checking a pragmatic approach to romance. Yeah, yeah, weekly checkens,
how is this is? This?Is this still a thing? Just want
to just double check you're still relativelyhappy? Yeah? Sure you conte you

(52:19):
can have the present then? Ye, Merry Christmas? You still like the
Yeah, okay, you've earned it. Writing love or from I always go
love from the blanket? Blanket statement? What have you guys been up to

(52:42):
recently though? Over the whole lockdownperiod? Have you managed to sort of
like how are you surviving? Yeah? Do you want to go first?
Did you go first? Okay?Um, So we had to move out
of London because there was suddenly nowork and they couldn't afford to live,
so we moved to my parents' placein Hayden Island, which is on the
South coast and it's a gorgeous sweetIsland. So yeah, we've been here

(53:08):
ever since. But I have beendoing my dance teacher training, which is
quite fun of them learning a lot. I literally just handed in my last
bit of written work the other day, so that's a weight off. My
shoulders. I don't have a lotleft to do actually, and that's been

(53:29):
quite a big achievement for me personally. But other than that, that's it
for me. I was going tokind of ask, like, because you
know, these careers they can sortof they can hit a bit of a
dead end sometimes. Has there everbeen plans with either of you guys we've
thought like, oh am I goingto choreography or, like you said,

(53:49):
teaching. Has there ever been thatkind of thought. It's for me,
it's been more like a fallback sortof thing, but it's never been the
old to be a teacher or achoreographer, more the performer, but you
are interested in Yeah, and whenback in Australia I taught a lot more
too. It was the vibe Ifind, possibly because England's so spread out

(54:15):
and you could live in London butbe expected to teach all on the way
out Herbs and Melbourne. Everyone kindof drives as well. Someone had visited
from la once and they're like,Wow, the traffic's just like home because
we're overpopulated and everyone drives. SoI definitely enjoy that aspect of it.
But funnily enough, I don't knowshould I say my year. Yeah,

(54:37):
if you're dumb, Yeah. Thethings I've been doing to Field the last
year have been the complete opposite ofkind of creativity because when we went into
lockdown, I had just gone gottenan offer for a summer tour as a
replacement contract kind of person. Iwas like, that's amazing, what a
great light start to my second yearin the UK. And then then I
went away and so the first thingI think also too, I come from

(55:02):
the city in Melbourne and I wasliving in the city here, so I've
never lived in the country, andI was like, what do I do
with all this space? And look, there's the ocean. There's some more
ocean. Oh my god, I'mon an island. What's happening? Is
so with it? And then afterthat kind of war of I was like
what am I doing with? Whatam I supposed to do with them?
Like? What do I do next? So I am ruled in their personal
training certificate and I got about threeweeks into it and that I just lapsed

(55:25):
past the if you cancel now youget your money back, and I was
like, I guess I'm doing thisnow that people be like, wow,
is this a change in your career. I was like, oh, absolutely,
I don't think I'm really going todo this, but I have to
finish it now because it was money. But the weird thing is it's led
me into this other thing I'm studyingnow, which is counseling. Because part

(55:46):
of the course was looking at reasonswhy people see a personal trainer, and
I thought, oh, we justreally briefly touched on that, and people's
mental health is so important and ifsomeone's in that volerle position where they've come
and being like, hey, I'munhappy about this thing, or I have
aspirations for this thing, and wespent like this tiny little unit on goal

(56:06):
setting and understanding why people might come. I thought, that's that's really kind
of dangerous to be in a positionwhere I can be like, oh,
well I did that week of training, so now I know how to deal
with people who feel sad about themselvesor really aspirational about changing. And it
led me to think, well,I want to explore counseling more. And
I think those things as a performerso invaluable to kind of a know what

(56:29):
I'm doing physically with my body andmentally with myself. As a b point
and then that's something to share withpeople too. Yeah, I think it's
so important mental health, and Ithink it's it was some you know,
it was always kind of a bitof a taboo sort of like topic or
you know, there's a bit ofa stigma around it as you know,
even five years ago, and itwas kind of that thing of like,

(56:52):
oh, you know, pick yourselfup, like stop being miserable, you
know, that kind of rubbish.But with the pandemic, I think it
has really high I like the factthat anyone, anyone can get down,
can be depressed and can feel youknow, can feel upset and feel lost
us. Yeah, no, exactly. It's it's that changing circumstances and people

(57:15):
have kind of realized, oh mygod, like you know, this can
affect everyone. So yeah, no, it's so it's wonderful that that's something
you've really sort of fell in withand discovered a bit of a passion for,
because I think it is. It'shard, isn't it. It's hard
to find another passion. Weirdly,never doesn't. Didn't surprise me either,
though, not because I used tospend we used to spend quite many days

(57:38):
on nights on the ship just deepin conversation, and you know, everyone
had problems or issues every now andagain, and when whenever I had a
problem, you're always there with yourears open. Yeah, they could ever
physically close them, you know whatI mean. And you and both of
you actually you're always there to givewords of wisdom, advice, comfort without

(58:06):
sometimes without even if I didn't evenrealize I needed help with anything, you
were just there to help anyway.And then I was like, oh,
I didn't need help. And sometimesit didn't surprise me. You're yeah,
you're both of you have hearts ofgold and yeah, but it didn't surprise
me that you you took that pasWell, I was gonna say, that's
a key point there is It justsometimes you need to be heard, and

(58:28):
it's so easy to not feel heard. And when life gets busier and when
there's expectations, say like with thepandemic and the issues of restrictions what we're
allowed to do or we're not allowedto do. When everyone's in the same
boat and you just kind of geton with it, it's easy to kind
of forget that your feelings are validand you need to share them sometimes and
people aren't necessarily available. But ifit's all right to share. I'd say
that I also doing some volunteer workwith Shout the text line and that in

(58:50):
the UK and you were able totext Shout at eight five to five eight
at twenty four seven any and it'sgot all volunteers. They're really to listen
and help and we are all trainedfully for the servers and it's there for
if you're at a point where youfeel you need that extra support. It's
it's someone there to help you getfrom that moment of feeling you know,

(59:13):
not too great, to just pastit so that you continue on with your
day and so incredible. Yeah,that's that's shout is it? Shout?
Yeah, give us a shout?The number was the number again text Shout
to eight five two five eight withinthe UK New Zealand as well. But

(59:37):
it kind of sounds a bit likethe Samaritans, is it is. It's
a nice option too because if youfeel like you can't don't have the time
to sit around and talk on thephone, it's a text conversation that you
can have to just let it out. And at a time where we use
so much instant messaging and messaging platforms, it's something we're used to, and

(59:57):
we're already physically in the habit oftext people and catching up through text and
setting plans through text, so thatif you can't see someone face to face
to debrief, we know what itfeels like to text someone. And so
it's that opportunity too. If youwant to kind of keep it quiet into
yourself, you could sit in aroom and be feeling kind of crappy and
be able to be like, Ican't leave the room not feeling great in

(01:00:19):
a message, or you just don'treally want to talk, or you don't
know about the Samaritans, or youdon't know what it is. This is
just one option of a few othersthat is out there for anyone who needs
it. That's true. And actually, sometimes I know I feel like it's
sometimes I can't articulate how I feelwith words sometimes and I find it easier
when I write it. So yeah, that's also because you have like a

(01:00:42):
you have time, don't you tobe like to write it and then be
like, oh no, that's notquite what I don't let you know.
Otherwise you can just say random stuffpeople look at you like, yeah,
we often do it on this podcast, talking of we do. Talking of
charity, I understand at you today, you are going to be doing something

(01:01:05):
a little bit interesting for charity.Won't you talk us through that? Yes,
charity, I am going to beshaving my head, and for all
the listeners out there, I havea long head of hair that has been
growing over a year and it isbeautiful, but I am sharing it off
to raise money for Pace Youth Artsand it's a an outreach program for at

(01:01:34):
risk children and it gives them freeaccess to dance classes and life skills or
with top industry professionals, and sothe money is going towards things like the
studio higher and kits for the youknow out there for the kids to wear,
and food and you know, it'ssuch a luxury and a privilege to
be able to afford dance classes whenyou were young. I know that people

(01:01:58):
necessarily realize that it's set up bymy friend Helen Duffy, and she's absolutely
brilliant. It launches this summer andI wanted to be able to help raise
money towards that goal, and Ididn't know what to do for ages,
and I was thinking about my long, beautiful hair and it's actually quite a
lot of work to keep nice andI'm finding long hairs everywhere and I just

(01:02:23):
thought, yeah, and I wantto shave it off. Initia, I
thought we was just getting it cutand I was like, no, I
wonder what I'm going to look likebold, and I'm going to do it.
And then I thought I could raisemoney for it, and so I
set it up. I did somevideos saying to people what I've done,
and so far I've raised I thinktwo hundred and forty pounds. But yes,

(01:02:50):
the hair is coming off. I'mvery excited. I'm very nervous,
but mostly excited. I mean,it can grow back. It's hair at
the end. Well, not foreveryone, but you will. You know,
I'll tell you what you will.It's just remember to slap on that

(01:03:10):
factor fifty when you go outside.They all the time, just on the
top of your head. You've neverdone it there before. That be exciting
anyway, but you know, gettingout of bed and knowing your hair's done
as well as also, I'm excitedto look like an egg. I think.
Actually that's something I've always kind ofdreamed of. It is like I

(01:03:31):
want to look like that egg,but you haven't the ability to grow that
particular egg. There's specific egg onit, like because you said, like
that egg walking in the supermarket,see what it is. Remember you could
have been like, oh, youknow, I could look like Vin Diesel

(01:03:52):
or Jason Statham. No, anegg. I want to live by that
egg. An egg filters. Itputs your face on an egg, and
you just felt really a kind tothat put in front of you. Yeah,
but you're fortunate to have eyebrows andlike nice dark hair on your face.
But like, I'm quite fair.And the casting director said to me

(01:04:15):
that I looked like an egg andI had hair, so and she was
like, yeah, creative, yougot her eyebrows, so you look like
a bit like an egg with hair. Was the head in casting I don't
remember. It wasn't it was themeeting or an old agent. She might

(01:04:36):
have retired. Did you ever dothat like a stocking as a kid,
and you put grass seeds in thetop and then you water it so it
kind of looks like a potato,but with grass hair We did with the
cheese chest chess cress cressy yeah,with cress yeah, yeah, no,

(01:04:59):
like that's what they were. Soyou could like pet pet shapes like dogs
professional then like the bottom of hisstocking with two like buttons blued onto its
face and a bit of felt mouth. But it had a grassy top one.
But that that's way more fun.We literally when I was at school,
we literally had an eggshell. I'msure it was an eggshell. Yeah,

(01:05:24):
it was an egg I was justlinked thinking of the same thing.
And then you you put your faceon it and then the crest throughout the
top of his hair. Yeah,that's where it came from. Anyway.
Anyway, I think, how anythingelse any other topics you want to discuss?

(01:05:45):
If not, please let us know. Actually, is there any more
topics you want to discuss? Fly? How did you too? Me?
Yeah, we want to know that. Well, when we met at acting
school in two thousand and well fivesix, it was it was not quite
straight away, but when we didlock eyes, there was a spark.

(01:06:05):
Oh that's nice, and I wantedto go back. You've been to acting
sown. He sets you up withsympathy, knocks you down. There's there's
a there's a funny story actually,because like obviously we would good good mates
and we used to used to hangout all the time and stuff like that.
Outside a class, but we shouldhave a laughing class. Um.

(01:06:30):
So, like Paul used to getreally annoyed when people would be like,
oh, look at you two hangingout together again. So he used to
get really annoyed. And then wewere in a supermarket. It's similar to
your story actually with people coming upto you. But we were in a
supermarket because we were buying food forit for like sort of like to go
back to mine and probably watch IndianaJones or something, and and we saw

(01:06:50):
a friend of ours in there andhe was just sort of like, oh,
you two were up to and wewere like, oh, we're just
you know, keep buying some foodand we're going to hang out. And
he was like and then he saidI'll see you two lovely people later,
and Paul misheard him and turned aroundand went, oh, fuck you.

(01:07:13):
That's so not like Paul. Iwas like Paul that he deserved it time.
Oh, and then I went tolook for him to Apologoy's garden,
I don't think anyway. So youcan. You can apologize live on your
podcast, DANL. Jackson if you'relistening, and he might be you might

(01:07:38):
be listening because he does listen.I'm sorry how hardly. Sorry. So
fellas you guys, I know youused your social media's um let us know
how how listeners can find you andstalk you or follow you in a professional
manner on Twitter and Instagram? OnFacebook, how can we find you?

(01:08:00):
Um, well, my Instagram isprobably the best place because I stopped using
Twitter, so I just I realizedno one cared what I thought. Um,
but my Instagram has nice pictures andstuff. So that's Anto Buckley underscore
dancer. But there's not many antos. So as soon as you type that
in, I'll probably pop up andagain on Instagram. For me, I

(01:08:23):
am Patrick understore underscore cook cook noe c double. Okay, it's sometimes,
but you didn't go for the dancertag on thing, Nan Patrick.
No, I don't want to pigeonhole myself. I feel like I've got
a lot of opportunity in this world. I'm just gonna like this is the
thing of being like, I'm adancer who studied pt who's now studying counseling.

(01:08:45):
And then there was a day lastweek where I got a job as
a kitchen assistant. I blasted adaycause and I was like, ah,
I'm not focusing on anything. I'mtrying to do everything. It's because I
didn't have a precise Instagram handle.But just let me run a while to
remind yourself every time you go onthere O dre chef great stuff. Well,

(01:09:12):
I think it's time for Paul tobring on your average size normal friend.
Yeah, acquaintance. I say thatit's a bit of an in joke
because basically we have no idea whatthis guy looks like. Um, we
just love the voice. Um averagesize m hm. Possibly it could be
huge huge, he could be tiny, he could be five foot get he's

(01:09:36):
just an average size man. Ifeel like this is something I want to
discuss after we hear this. Okay, Okay, here he comes. He's
going to explain the rules. That'sfor the people at home. You guys
know him anyway, Weet things andto and Patrick and welcome to Why do
they give them one star? Doyou one star movie review game? This

(01:09:57):
is the game where Paul and Ryanwill each read out one star review from
a particular movie. Those two reviewswill contain all the information you need for
you to answer what the movie theyhave picked. If you get it one,
we'll make you Patrick shave off yourhead, and Anto will not receive
any money for his head shaving extravaganza. That is the punishment for getting it's

(01:10:18):
wrong. So once you've hopefully answeredcorrectly, it'll be your turn to read
out two one star reviews for thefilm that you've picked from there, the
host must get it right or suffera head shaving fate themselves, although I
have also already shaved. Yeah,not your head, not my head.

(01:10:40):
It was when you guys, whenyou guys listen to this episode, it
makes sense, it'll makes sense,it makes sense. I love our obsidian
aunt as well. Just said thatPatrick will have to shave off his head,
not his head off. I thinkhe meant. I think, did

(01:11:01):
you mean this? Did you meanshave his head as supposed to? He
did, That's what he meant.Oh wow, okay, so he just
meant shave his head. You wouldsay shaved my head, not shave off
shave off his head. Yeah,okay, he got it wrong, just

(01:11:21):
like down until there's nothing ware shouldbe sorry anyway. Yeah, he's sorry
as the average size, but hedoesn't sound normal. I will just put
that out there. Well, yeah, you can check it out Obsidian Ann
on YouTube. He does elite dangerousgameplay videos. So this is how he's

(01:11:42):
so niche, this guy, andyeah, he's so niche, and yet
I guarantee he has millions more followersthan we do. Yeah that's what we
need. We need a niche.That's what it is. But whatever,
Um, so we're going very good, Paul. So we're gonna we're gonna

(01:12:05):
read you two reviews, one each. You may get it after the first
one. If you do, youknow, just pretend you didn't keep it,
pretend anything. If you do startto say it, we'll go,
Oh, we're gonna read the secondone. But Paul, I think,
are you gonna go first? You'regonna is the more obscure one. Okay,

(01:12:28):
here we go. One star outof ten. Pretty but boring.
My least favorite Christmas treat for myfamily was this movie, which I found
excruciatingly too long. The fanny factorkicked in after the first two hours,
and except for the scenery and specialeffects, I found this just plain boring.

(01:12:54):
The one with the most charisma inthe film was that talking tree.
I don't know what the fanny factoris. I don't know what that means.
I still don't understand it, andthe guy who reviewers name what was
it record record man? But aboutthe yeah, it's a recommend red,

(01:13:17):
But there we go. No ideaholding onto that talking tree is my anchor
point. But that's not a badanchor to have in all the facts.
Like, the film is over twohours long, and specifically at the two
hour mark is when the Fanny factor. But there's also a talking tree is,
so that completely changes my view.Like I mean, I feel like

(01:13:42):
the Fanny factor is is a femalepresence. I think that's what he's going
for. I'm not sure why hesaid Fanny factor though I don't I don't
know if he's angry about that orI mean, this could have been written
by an American, in which caseit's the ars factor. Oh yeah,
yeah again, I don't know.Okay, this is my h okay one

(01:14:06):
start out of ten. If thisis the way to blank, I don't
want to go. I've taken mylast step to blank. After sitting through
the first movie, I thought I'dgive this a try. Boy, am
I sorry? I did, becauseeven though the movie was beautiful to watch,
Blank is lovely. That was theonly thing that was worth looking at

(01:14:29):
When I said blank for that onethat was the name of the country.
It's a bit obvious that was theonly thing that was worth looking at.
The characters were boring, the dialogueunremarkable, and the plot well what plot.
Mostly it consisted of people running fromone spot to another, badly in
need of a shower and shampoo.My concern isn't with what they left out,
it's with what they put in.A lot of what, A lot

(01:14:54):
of A lot of herky jerky ja lot of herky jerky camera shots,
impossible to follow battle scenes, andboring scenes with boring characters. I spent
most of the movie asking my poorhusband what time it was. We could
have walked out, but thought thecouple we were with wanted to stay,
and they thought we wanted to stay, so instead all four of us ended

(01:15:15):
up wasting three hours. It's likea little comedy, isn't it, Like
you wanted to leave and I alsoare awkward, so it's sorry. So
instead of all four of us,so I said, all four of us
ended up wasting three hours a totalof twelve. That's not how time works.

(01:15:38):
And thirty two dollars don't make themistake we made. See something anything
else? Three exclamation marks in theend. There we go. Any thought,
I mean, I have thoughts,but I can't tell where Christmas comes

(01:15:59):
into it. I look, that'stoo much evening. I know where they're
talking. Tree is book Haunters.So oh, I don't think it's that.
Okay, I think I might knowwhat it is and I might be
reading it at the moment. Ohis it that? I think? So
those were long films, they longchapters in the book. Well, go

(01:16:21):
on, give it a go.Is it the Lord of the Rings are
two towers? Yea? Perhaps Ilove that you're reading it at the moment.
That's brilliant. I know exactly whenthe funny factor hits. But I'm
not going to spoilers. Oh I'mkidd I mean, if it is the

(01:16:46):
aspect like maybe it's maybe it's yea, or like goll just being like Dirk
dropped my ring. Okay, Well, there we go. You absolutely smash.
So it's time for me im poorto embarrass ourselves, which we have
often done recently. So let's let'shear your reviews. Yeah it is me,

(01:17:15):
Okay, go first, I gofirst. The live adaptation of the
classic Blank is simply terrible. Thefilm fails to succeed in capturing the essence
of the classic Disney animated version.I felt that the idea was good,
but the film lacked so much interms of quality and elaborate script. The

(01:17:35):
film can be seen as a remakeof sort because it's almost a shot for
shot film aside from a few addedscenes and updated elements. The casts do
their best with the Latin script,but unfortunately their acting can't save the film.
Even Blank can't save this film,and she was the best in the
film. The film that is adisappointment and will most likely disappoint fans of

(01:17:57):
the animated classic. The film isa good attempt, but ultimately it fails,
and it's one of the worst liveaction Disney films that I've seen.
I really enjoyed the animated film asa kid, but this this was horrible.
Blank is a film that hasn't stoodthe test of time. Unlike the
original, this version is too silly, too stupid, and too poorly executed

(01:18:18):
to enjoy. Maybe kids will enjoy, but really, as a family film,
there are far better family films outthan this one, and that includes
the superior animated classic. This isa missed opportunity and it just shows that
some films aren't meant to be remade. This film fails to entertain, and
when it tries to do something amusing, you just don't care because indunded better

(01:18:40):
before a stupid, pointless film thatjust misses the mark. Awful film.
The handered it home. I thinkI think I know what it is.
I'm not going to say I thinkI know what it is, but I
kind of agree with them that I'mgonna let you do your I don't know

(01:19:02):
what it is because I've got afew different films in mind for this,
but that it's a Disney animation remake, awful waste of a good cast.
One star. So I settled downon a Sunday evening to what should have
been a pleasant Disney film. Boywas I disappointed. This live action version

(01:19:27):
takes the basic elements of the original, but scripts out all the charm.
There's no cat, there's no scenewhere they disguise themselves as labradors. Blank
is a mean businesswoman who's annoyed thatone of her employees wants to get married
and have children, because obviously youcan't mix a career and having a family.
The undertones of career bad motherhood goodare just unnecessary in a modern children's

(01:19:48):
film. Blank is more of apantomime character than actually scary. The lack
of original charm isn't replaced with anythingelse. It's just boring and predictable.
If you the sequels to Home alone, you might like this movie. If
you like the original cartoon or anyrecent children's films that actually have a good
storyline, you will be disappointed.I'm afraid most of the review was here

(01:20:12):
of giving this movie a cuss becauseit's a children's film and you can't expect
much. Well, I do expectbetter from Disney, and I wouldn't subject
my children to this film. Triedthe book instead. Okay, I was
wrong. I was so so wrong. I'm so glad you didn't hazard a
guess. So we now think,based on that review, that the live

(01:20:34):
A shouldn't remake you're talking about isone hundred and one Dalmatians jing d Yes.
I was scared. I was wrong. There, so was I I
originally thought when when you did yourfirst view, I thought Beauty and the
Beast, and I was like,that was an awful film. But no,

(01:20:56):
Luke Evans was good, but noone hundred one Dalmatian clame Gleame close?
Isn't it Glen Close? Yeah?Have you guys seen Cruella the new
one? I haven't. I haven'tseen it. Have Oh? So yeah?
See it's I feel like there's morebid curiosity that wants to watch it

(01:21:18):
because I am like, I don'tunderstand how you can make a character that's
so horrible and despicable that loves butcheringdogs into the hero. So that's my
curiosity. Like the crazy thing,of course, was I mean, what
spoiler warning to anyone out there whowho was interested in watching it, But

(01:21:40):
like there was a whole big thinggoing on for ages where a friend of
mine was like joking with me aboutit, saying, like, literally,
the only way they can do thisis if if Krella's parents are murdered in
an alleyway by Dalmatian. And that'skind of what happens in the film.
Like that actually a thing, Andcan imagine you can imagine the writer like

(01:22:06):
leading all these tweets and seeing allthese jokes coming up about you know,
sort of like like batman esque murderof parents by Dalnmatian. Mean like,
oh that's literally because we saw itat a cinema. We were like,
amazing, they're open. We're goingto go sit in a cinema. This

(01:22:26):
is going to be amazing. SoI just hope it wasn't like some massive
dopen being released where you could haveput anything in front of me and I
would have been like, amazing.Had you seen this film, it's the
best thing I've ever seen. ButI will say, when you watch it
again, yeah, I think it'sgood. I still don't get you can
make her a hero anyway. Hername is literally cruel devil. Yeah.

(01:22:49):
I think that that's that's the beautyof the film is that she's not necessarily
the hero. True. Yeah,Okay, we've spoken about this a lot
that in films recently, they're startingto understand that we don't necessarily want a
good person as the name a fuckingPhoenix Joker. We wanted to know why

(01:23:10):
he gets to where he is.Yeah, we don't want to see him
good or be the hero. Asthe anti hero yeah yeah, yeah,
we did. Like Maleficent, wasn'tit. They kind of were just sort
of like, oh no, yeah, she's the good guy all along.
It was like, oh, thisisn't a prequel to Sleep In beauty.
This is just the same thing.No, I get what you mean.
Well, they've already said they're goingto make a crella too. I mean

(01:23:31):
I thought that was one hundreds,but it's going to be called. If
it's not, I'll be disavoited.Can I also just say we had actually
originally chosen a different film for thegame, but we realized that the film
was a bad film full stop,and so it wasn't the right right But

(01:23:54):
can I yeah, and this doesn'thave to be included in the podcast,
but can I read out one ofthe movie? It's only half a star
actually, horrible disaster. I don'tknow what they were thinking of this movie,
but it absolutely doesn't work. Theice puns, the nipples. Why
would they repeat the same mistake Theyalready knew that people hated the nipple.

(01:24:17):
And also, this film was madefor merchandising for kids, but the close
up shots on nipples, butts andboots? How is this film good for
kids? The worst Blank movie ever. Blank is not fit to play a
Blank. He may be a goodactor, but the role of Blank is
not made for him. I don'tknow what the custom director was thinking when
he passed Blank as blank Ye Ihated when someone interrupts the movie. Yeah

(01:24:54):
I did as a kid. Asa kid, you kind of liked it.
And then that's your older like Ifinally get to say the quote that
I wanted to say for ages,which you wouldn't let me. Okay,
as I told Lady Freeze when Ipulled her plug, this is a one
woman show. Yeah, you gotit in. This whole section is being

(01:25:15):
cut. Sixty eight episodes. Fantasticlisten. Thanks so much for coming on
the podcast. You guys have beenexcellent, wonderful guests. So good to
see your faces. Thanks for havingus, Thank you. Good luck with
your head shave today, Ante well, thank you, Yeah, yeah,

(01:25:39):
absolutely, and good luck with thecounseling. Continue continuing that, Patrick,
and looking forward to times when wecan all meet up properly and continue doing
the vocations we want to do.Yes, lovely, what just got so
weird? You've got weight so weirdlylike sort of specific, like the vocations

(01:26:01):
that we are entrusted to be professional? Do sound a bit like that right
now? Thank you ever so muchfor coming on time. Could you let

(01:26:25):
us know where we can find youon the social media? What's that just
that's know where we can find yousocials. Yeah, babes from me on
the Instagram and I am at antibuckThey underscore dancer just to remind me that

(01:26:48):
I am a dancer and I haveno direction in life. You can find
me at Patrick underscore Cook and thisdoes not mean he's a cook. No,
we tried it did not stick.Actually got a non stick pan.
Thanks so much, guys, pleasure. The pleasure is all yours. Thank

(01:27:17):
you very much, Anto and Patrick. So good to have them on.
What a great couple of guests werethough. They were Yeah, absolute pleasure.
Lovely lovely boys. Looking forward toseeing Anto's bald head, which you
can. Well, there'll be picturestoday, so if you, you know,

(01:27:39):
get on the on the Instagram andwhatnot. I'm sure he'd have already
posted pictures. And remember if yousee him, don't forget, not too
hard. He's a nice guy.I don't know him, just gently,
just a gentle pat Right. Iwas gonna say, now it's time for

(01:28:09):
you to play at home, butno, I guess it's not really is
it. It's not no one Noone joined in last week. I thought
it was a fairly obvious one.Well, it was a very obvious one
because it was, of course arocket man. This is not a space
movie. Yeah, yeah, thestory of Elton John's life. Yeah,

(01:28:30):
it's a good film. I likeit, a good film, like a
mute. I think I said thisto you Paul separately. It's um like
what's his face? Bohemian rhaps Hewas very much a biopic, yeah,
biopic, whereas rocket Man, Ifelt was more like a musical that just
happened to be about his life aswell. It felt more like a musical.

(01:28:51):
So yeah, I enjoyed it.I thought it was good. Were
you faffing around with Paul? Well, my microphone's all loose and wobbly.
Oh I see see. There wego in our workings of the podcast there
guys, Yeah, and talking aboutthere isn't going to be a movie for
next week because we can't bothered.That's not necessarily true the last two weeks.

(01:29:17):
Oh no, no, we didhave one the week before, but
yeah, we didn't have anyone answerthis week. And well, it's going
to be a special episode next weekbecause it's going to be an extra long
we're not next week kind of fortnight. Yeah, because we're gonna have an
extra long, Hardy's Hardest Hats andhopefully it's a conclusion. Yeah, because

(01:29:42):
the next episode, episode sixty nine, will be the last episode of the
Cold Callers comedy podcast. It willcollective well for the time being. Yeah,
for the time being, yeah,time being. To be fair,
We've got lots of things will workingon, lots of things were excited about,
but unfortunately at the moment this needsto take a sideline just where we

(01:30:04):
sort things out. I mean,we'll talk more about this next week.
I feel like, you know,we'll talk. We'll go into more depth
as to why we are, whywhy we're pausing it for a hiatus for
a time, and some of themtalk about some of the other stuff we're
working on and some of the stuffwe're excited about, because unfortunately we want
to work on this, of coursewe do. We love doing it,

(01:30:27):
but we just don't have the timeto do both. We need to prioritize.
And next week you will hear apreview of our new single as well.
Exactly exactly again, not next weekin a fortnight. This is why
I'm quitting. It's too confusing.Of course, Coldcorder's comedy was going to

(01:30:50):
end on episode sixty nine and obviously, and obviously because of that, at
the end of the episode, ina fortnight's time, Ran and I are
going down on each other. Soif you can't wait for that, well,
you know what you can do.You can rate, review, and
subscribe. Not that you're subscribing toomuch. Now, just one episode to
go and stop, I'll stop puttingyour pud. Yeah. Remember remember like

(01:31:17):
we you know, obviously you gotmenially saying it. Next week's episode,
the next episode will be number sixtynine. That means if you're a new
listener, you've got like sixty eightepisodes to catch up on. Correct,
so correct, not all of them, most of them gold. If anything,
I feel like it's pretty worth goingback because most of Hardy's Hardest Hats

(01:31:38):
won't make sense exactly. That isa serial, so it's weird the whole
episode itself. We don't say it'sepisodic, but really Hardy's Hardest Dads is
so yeah, it's confusing. I'mback back to the movie thing. Yeah,
sorry, there's no there's no movietoo for you to guess. But
we're just a bit astounded that noone got Rocketman. I don't really get

(01:32:00):
why no one got it. Really, it's either you hate one, John,
yeah, or your bit pieces ofyou can't say that, Paul,
I can't. They're not that,they're just ignorant, That's what it is.

(01:32:21):
I of course I'm joking, completelyjoking, of course was not.
I am joking. No, it'sjust because you've got busy lives as well,
and we didn't remind you to answer. Yeah, week to answer.
But in fairness, Paul, infairness, like the prizes we give out,

(01:32:43):
as good as they are, thereis no military value to them.
Well, I mean not everyone canonly select a few people can claim to
have received the nod congratulatory nod.You know, there's only something. In
fact, we're going to have aT shirt made for to say I got
congratu sorry nod from the cold fromCold Carders Comedy. Uh so anyone who

(01:33:04):
did get a nod, they canbuy that. Yeah, I like that.
Yeah, one last piece of merch. Well until next time, we'll
see you all for our special specialfarewell episode. Yeah, now, will

(01:33:25):
very well see you then, babe. Bye,