November 17, 2025 • 49 mins
Julie Ann explores with her ConsciousSHIFT Show guest Keely May - founder of Sexy Boundaries, author of The Ultimate Guide to Sexy Boundaries: 20 Ways to Recognize Toxic and Abusive Behavior, and creator of the Red Flag Quiz - how claiming your power & setting positive boundaries can be sexy.
It is sexy when you see a woman who is standing in her power. Power is like a light - we've all noticed women who possess a certain kind of light. She walks in and we say, "What's she got? She lights up the room." We sense her power, her presence, her clarity about who she is - and her clear, sexy boundaries.
Keely shares that boundaries are sexy because they show others that you value yourself, respect yourself, and have the confidence to communicate where your limits are. Displaying boundaries also means that you don’t allow others to walk all over you, use you, or dictate how you live your life.
Keely shares that with SEXY BOUNDARIES, she wanted to elevate the topic of boundaries, because women need to understand how attractive boundaries are.
* Maybe you've heard from different sources that you need to have better boundaries.
* Maybe you know you need better boundaries, but don't understand what they are.
* Maybe you know what boundaries are, but don't know how to create them.
* Maybe you struggle with enforcing boundaries even though you HAVE created them.
Keely acknowledges she struggled with all of these challenges.
REGISTER at www.ConsciousSHIFTShow.com
(IT'S FREE)
(Receive Show Details + Access to GIFT > Genius Guide + Audio)
> LISTEN Now on #ConsciousSHIFT with Julie Ann Turner
https://apple.co/4nhBMPY
It is sexy when you see a woman who is standing in her power. Power is like a light - we've all noticed women who possess a certain kind of light. She walks in and we say, "What's she got? She lights up the room." We sense her power, her presence, her clarity about who she is - and her clear, sexy boundaries.
Keely shares that boundaries are sexy because they show others that you value yourself, respect yourself, and have the confidence to communicate where your limits are. Displaying boundaries also means that you don’t allow others to walk all over you, use you, or dictate how you live your life.
Keely shares that with SEXY BOUNDARIES, she wanted to elevate the topic of boundaries, because women need to understand how attractive boundaries are.
* Maybe you've heard from different sources that you need to have better boundaries.
* Maybe you know you need better boundaries, but don't understand what they are.
* Maybe you know what boundaries are, but don't know how to create them.
* Maybe you struggle with enforcing boundaries even though you HAVE created them.
Keely acknowledges she struggled with all of these challenges.
REGISTER at www.ConsciousSHIFTShow.com
(IT'S FREE)
(Receive Show Details + Access to GIFT > Genius Guide + Audio)
> LISTEN Now on #ConsciousSHIFT with Julie Ann Turner
https://apple.co/4nhBMPY
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Conscious Shift with Julianne Turner brings insights from leading voices
and visionaries across the globe to guide and inspire you
to create your own conscious shift into your true power
and singular greatness. Through her expertise, author, speaker, and social innovator,
Julianne Turner, a world authority on the creative process, guides
you to discover how to consciously create the life, work,
(00:27):
and world you most desire. And now here's your Conscious
Shift host, Julianne Turner.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Welcome everyone. This is Julianne Turner and we are so
glad you're joining us today for Conscious Shift. And we
have a very special guest today with a very special
question for all of us. I want to talk with
you today about women. Women who know that they are
(01:01):
not going to allow themselves to be diminished or mistreated,
who are standing in their power. Have you ever wondered
how claiming your power and setting positive boundaries can be sexy? Well,
welcome to the conversation today. We're going to be talking
with Keihlee May, who is founder of Sexy Boundaries and
(01:24):
she is also author of the Ultimate Guide to Sexy Boundaries,
Twenty Ways to Recognize toxic and abusive behavior. And she
is also creator of the red Flag Quiz. We're going
to talk about how you can access that at redflagwatch
dot com. So Kihly, welcome to Conscious Shift.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Thank you for having me. Nice to be here, Julian.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
It's such a joy to have you today. And just
so you know, a Kihi is a leader not only
in her work life, but she's also been a city
alderman in her community, and she's raising her daughter and
her niece, and her work to help girls and women
avoid domestic abuse is really powerful and she helps women
(02:13):
and girls set strong boundaries and all of this comes
from a very personal experience, a very personal story. So Killie,
I would love to just invite you to start us
off with why you do this? Why is this so
important to you?
Speaker 3 (02:28):
Thanks Julianne. I guess this all started when I had
my own experience with verbal abuse in my relationship, and
I just remember feeling very confused and not knowing what
to do and what was happening in my world. And
then the other part of it was that my twin
(02:49):
sister had actually passed away and she unfortunately was experiencing
domestic violence in her relationship. I just thought, gosh, you know,
I wish I just could have seen things sooner. If
there's any way for me to see these things before
I'm in it, if I'm in a relationship like this,
(03:09):
it would be great to know, or when I'm experiencing
it in a relationship, you know, it would be great
to help people understand sooner, like when they're experiencing these things,
to be able to leave, you know, a lot quicker,
because there's so many times I think that women find themselves,
i mean men too, to be fair in the situation
(03:30):
where gosh, you know, I don't I don't even know
my partner anymore. I don't even know what I'm doing here.
And so the whole point of this whole system, in
this whole book and the website and everything that I'm
doing is to really honor my sister, and then honor
those who you know, hopefully are looking for a way
out and feel kind of stuck. So I'm hoping this
(03:51):
can help some more people, because it's important that they understand,
you know, some things, to hopefully help them out to
understand what they're experiencing. Because it took me a lot
of books that I read and a lot of things
to understand what I was even experiencing.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Absolutely, I can't even imagine, Kealey, what it would be
life to like to lose your sister really related to
domestic violence.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
That just is very heartbreaking.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
And I can understand, you know, in your own life,
if you've experienced that too, why this is such a
calling and a cause for you. And so the first
thing I would love to explore is how are boundaries sexy?
Let's talk about you know what that means.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Well, the reason I came up with sexy boundaries is
because you know, I realized there are people out there that,
you know, I thought were really well rounded people who
just kind of took charge of their own life. And
I'm like, gosh, I would really like to be like,
that's what's the standout thing that makes them so attractive
to other people? And it's really having boundaries and knowing
(04:58):
who you are as a person and being able to
tell people, look, I'm not okay with that and just
be very straightforward about it. And it's not easy for
everybody because I think a lot of times, you know,
when our relationships or even our models for behavior, they
don't always show us exactly what boundaries are, and boundaries
(05:21):
attract the right people into your life and keep out
the wrong people. So I feel like that's really important
for people to know because I wasn't taught that in school.
My parents didn't teach me that, And so it's time somebody,
I guess, took the reins. And you know, I'm doing
my best to help people understand how to do that themselves.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
It's so important. And you're right, we're not taught how
to respect ourselves right, how to truly value ourselves. And
it is sexy when you see someone who is standing
in their power. It's kind of like a light, you know,
you say, you know what she got right, she's got
(06:00):
of she lights up the room. Right. When you see
people like that, you wonder what is it that enables
them to hold that light, that power and stand and
stand in their own value like that. And so when
we're talking about sexy boundaries, it's really in relationship to
someone else, Right, how do you set a boundary a
(06:22):
limit to what in that interaction with another person, in
a relationship with another person where you still feel safe
and comfortable, and you recognize when somebody's crossing that boundary, right,
So One of the things that you shared with me
before the show is you know, never let anyone else
(06:42):
define what you're worth.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Absolutely yeah, because you ultimately are the person who defines
your worth. When you start allowing other people to define
your worth, number one, they're not going to prace you
as high, and they're going to probably give you less
value than you deserve. And really it's about taking you know,
(07:08):
understanding that about yourself, like I do have value and
I do deserve to be treated well, and I think
it's important to understand like what your likes and dislikes are,
and you know, that's really the only way you can
create boundaries. And when you start allowing other people to
identify your value for you too, it's sort of like
(07:31):
people pleasing type behavior. And when you fall into that,
it really makes it obvious for people that you're looking
for some sort of validation and it's not healthy and
it just sort of screams you know that you don't
have the confidence and or have insecurities that are really
(07:52):
being shown to everybody who aren't good people that will
really take advantage of that. So when you start to
value yourself, you don't tolerate certain behaviors you don't tolerate
certain things, and that keeps the bad people out and
attracts more of the good people to you.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Absolutely, And I know, Keiley, much of your work with
young women and all women is really helping you first
to identify and own your value, your worth right, to
understand your worthiness, your inherent worthiness, which is really important
because we're not taught that in school either. And the
(08:31):
other thing that I know that you've shared is that
you do really want to start off by knowing what
you want. As you said, you can't set boundaries unless
you know the things you want and the things that
you don't want. What will I allow and what won't
I allow? So how you go about, you know, becoming
(08:52):
more aware of in touch with what you want?
Speaker 4 (08:57):
For me?
Speaker 3 (08:58):
When I started this journey, it wasn't easy. It really
I had to. I read a lot of books and
I looked over a lot of things because I didn't
really understand how to make a boundary. I'm like, it
sounds like something so simple, right, this should be easy,
But I had no idea where to start. And I
started thinking about things I didn't like about my previous
(09:19):
relationship that I had left, and I thought Okay, I
didn't really like it a lot when he yelled at me,
I thought that was horrible. It just really didn't feel
good at all. And a lot of times I didn't
even know why he was yelling at me. So, you know,
I took that as one of the boundaries that I'm
not going to tolerate in my life, like with a partner,
(09:39):
you know, hey, you know this is something that I
really didn't sit well with me. So now when it
comes up in a new relationship, I'm going to put
up a boundary and understand, like, hey, look, you know,
there's no reason we need to be yelling here. You know,
if you're going to continue yelling, I'm going to have
to remove myself from the situation. Because ultimately, boundaries are
about how what you're going to do about it. If
(10:02):
you say stop yelling or doing things like that, that's
kind of shouting commands of people, and when things are
already at a situation that isn't favorable, like, people don't
really take that really well. So it's really about how
you're going to control yourself, because right we can only
control ourselves as people, and how you're going to remove
yourself from that situation or take a time out and
revisit the conversation later once things cool down exactly.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
And I know we're going to talk about a little
bit more about how to recognize when somebody's crossed a boundary,
and also we're going to talk about a new tool
that you've created for people that is going to help
making setting boundaries much easier, right, really clear, because again,
we haven't been taught to do that. And so I
(10:49):
think one of the things that people don't always realize
is that recognizing abuse. Abuse can be verbal, it can
be emotional, it can be energetic, it can be physical, right,
And just because abuse isn't physical, doesn't mean it's not
abuse absolutely.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
I think that was one thing that confused me, and
I think you know, up until now, like when I
was experiencing this, it wasn't talked about at all, and
I really had to do a lot of digging to
figure out what I was experiencing. Because when you're experiencing
emotional or verbal abuse, if you're raising a family where
somebody you know, you see your parents not working things
(11:34):
out in a very constructive way and yelling at each other,
it's really hard to understand what's healthy and a good
relationship or what's a healthy relationship, And so when it
occurred in my relationships, I wasn't very clear about that
because I'm like, Okay, I thought, you know, this is
just how relationships are sometimes, well, they absolutely do not
have to be that way. And I think that's what
(11:55):
I want to wake people up to is that, you know,
I had a expressed to my partner one time, I'm like,
you know, explaining how my sister wasn't being treated very well.
And I said, do you see the connection between how
you talk to me and how he talks to her?
And he said, I'm nothing like that person. I don't
hit you, And that was his defining. You know, what
(12:17):
abuse really was was just physical.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Do you think that a lot of young women who
are just starting in relationships don't recognize that belittling them, telling,
not honoring their wishes, those kinds of things art can
be abusive. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Absolutely, And I think the younger young women can understand what,
you know, what they're allowed to have for boundaries is
really important, or even what red flags to watch out
for and to really pay attention to their feelings in
the moment when things are happening because your intuition tells
you so much more than we give it credit for it.
And when you get a feeling that doesn't sit well
(13:04):
with you or confuses you, those are our red flags.
That's exactly what red flag behavior does. It really confuses
you and makes you. It kind of puts you in
a situation where it really surprises and shocks you, and
you could be in a total shock as to what's
happening and not understanding how this is happening, because there's
(13:25):
nothing that you did in your mind to provoke that
sort of response from somebody.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Right, Well, let's talk about red flags. A core of
your work. It's so well done. Keighly is really helping
identify what red flags to look out for. That's at
the heart of your red Flag quiz at red flag
watch dot com. And also really you go into much
(13:52):
more depth about each red flag and how to think
about each one in the Ultimate Guide to Sexy Boundaries.
So let's talk about a couple of a couple of
the red flags that are included in the quiz and
also in the book. The first one that I'm going
to mention, and these I could to pick any of them.
(14:13):
They're all really spot on. But one of them, I
think that's a really good example. Is one of the
red flags is does your partner usually plan all the
activities you do together without muchct input from you. You're
normally doing activities together that they want to do and
rarely doing or participating in activities you'd like to do.
(14:37):
Why is that a red flag?
Speaker 3 (14:40):
Well, it's a red flag because number one, if you're
just allowing someone to just plan your life, that's people
pleasing behavior that you want to avoid. And the other
thing is that if someone's constantly planning the activities you
do without much input from you, it means that they're
kind of controlling you know what you do. It's kind
of the start or the beginning of a controlling narrative.
(15:03):
So if you imagine something like this, if you've allowed
your partner to do all the planning and all of
this stuff, and it's gone on for a year or
two and you've been kind of fine with it, or
just going going with the flow, so to speak, one
day when you want to do something and you're like, hey,
you know, i'd really like to go do this, they
might look at you like you have three heads because
(15:23):
you have never once asked to do something. And I
think that that's sometimes some pitfalls women fall into because
we hear all these weird things like online men are
supposed to lead and this thing, you know, But really,
when you're in a partnership, you should both be providing input,
and if one or the other isn't providing input, it's
not really a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
Right, And what I've heard from from other women sometimes, Kiley,
is that you can go for years like that and
become so disconnected from your true self and what you want,
and that you don't even really recognize what your own
(16:05):
values are.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
Yeah, you forget what your interests are as well. Like you,
you know, you might share a lot of the same
interests and hobbies as your partner, but there's no differentiation.
Like we're all people in our own right that have
our own thoughts, feelings and interests. And you know, at
some point when you deviate from your partner after having
been so well matched, they're going to think, Wow, what
(16:30):
is this big change you've changed as a person, Like
now all of a sudden, you want to give me
your opinion about stuff? Where is this coming from? You know?
And I I mean if you think about it it
makes sense because they've had their way the whole time,
or they've just provided the input without much challenge or
any input from you. So yeah, you definitely lose who
(16:53):
you are in that moment because of the fact that
you you're not thinking anymore. You're allowing your partner to
sort thing for you.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
And it can start really early work for young women,
young girls, because the as you said, we're kind of
conditioned to want to please, right. I think especially young
girls are thinking, I want the other person to like me.
(17:22):
I want them to like me, so I want to
be what they like instead of balancing that. It's not
that you it's not that you would never say you
would do things that are pleasing to another what in
a relationship, you're going to do those things. But if
it's all one sided, right, then again you're starting out
(17:43):
in a pattern that can can lead to more extreme abuse.
Speaker 4 (17:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
Absolutely. And the other thing is like when you're you're
leading with the people pleasing nature, it's like you're not
providing much input for them either to understand if you're
the right person for them, because if you're just trying
to match someone's interests or energy and things like that,
and that's maybe not a maybe you are willing to
(18:10):
just kind of go at the flow, but you really
need to for someone to get to know you as
a person and very authentically. They have to know where
your interests are, what do you like, what do you
not like, and you can see based on being authentic
whether or not you're right for each other. And if
people are sort of masking that, that does not allow
for a true connection, that's right.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
So that's one red flag, right where somebody is always
planning your whole life for you, which again it's a
matter of degree, right, If a partner is wanting to
please you and doing some things and surprising you for
a birthday and planning things out, that's a different thing
than if they're doing that constantly and you never have
(18:57):
any kind of input into what you do. Other red
flags we've touched on, as you said, certainly in your
own relationship, like if somebody's yelling at you all the time,
or they're calling you names, or they're always bad mouthing
their previous partners, like and they've had eight partners and
they're bad mouthing all.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
Of them, there's a problem, and it's probably meet the
other people like you.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Said that might be a red flag, right. Another one
that you have in the red flag quiz is do
most of your arguments with your partner remain unsolved or
keep repeating why is that a red flag?
Speaker 3 (19:36):
That's a red flag? Because as adults like, yes, sometimes
people get angry and they need to just take a
break to just, you know, process what's going on and
what the situation really is. Because when you're when you're
in an emotional state, you're not thinking very logically, So
it's important for people to just sort of take a
step back and then, you know, assess what's going on.
(19:59):
And in a healthy relationship, they should be able to
come back together a while later to discuss what happened
in a very calm manner and work through things. You know,
an unhealthy or toxic relationship, you're not able to find
any resolution to problems because number one, the abuser doesn't
want the problem to be solved. Usually it surrounds something
(20:22):
with you know, how you're feeling or you feel like
something is unfair, Well, they want it to be unfair.
They don't care if it's unfair as long as they're
getting their needs met and what they want. They don't
really care about you, And that's a really hard pill
to swallow for a lot of people because of the
fact that you know, it's someone that you love and
someone who's claiming to love you. But if someone truly
(20:45):
loved you, they're not going to just completely, you know,
ignore your feelings and act like you know what, that
you're being crazy for having some feelings about what's happening exactly.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
And that's why what you said, Keiley about the importance
of trusting your own intuition and kind of cultivating developing
your ability to tune into how are you feeling about this?
Does it make you feel threatened or unsafe or you know,
in some way confused? Right, Trust that there's a reason
(21:21):
for that, and even if you can't articulate it, if
you're feeling unsafe or threatened, that's something to pay attention to,
because I would say, because and if you state that
to the other person and let them know how you're feeling,
and that is diminished instead of listen to and accepted,
(21:43):
that's a big red flag, right because one of the
things that abusers will do is what you call roading
the boundaries right where they are kind of gaslighting you
and saying, oh, you know, you're just overreacting.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
That was just a joke.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
And really, again, as you said, it can cause you
to start to doubt.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Yourself, right, Yeah, absolutely, because when you're being diminished or
you're you know, things are really being treated like it's
not a big deal, but your intuition is just screaming
at you, there's a huge disconnect there, and it creates
a lot of confusion because here is a partner. Again
they say that they are this is the person that's
(22:25):
supposed to love you and care about you, but they're
acting in a way that you most likely would never
treat them. And so that creates like a disconnect and
a lot of confusion because of the fact that you're like, Okay,
well he says he loves me, but this keeps happening.
I don't really understand, like why this keeps happening. So yeah,
when you try to bring that feeling up or try
(22:46):
to find some resolution to it, you will never find it,
or if they do, they might apologize and then just
keep repeating that behavior, which is also red like because
that's not them trying to make any you know, any
correction to that behavior at.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
All, exactly, and So that's why one of your red
flags is, uh, does your partner fail to take responsibility
when they have done something wrong or hurtful and they've
they've and you've expressed that that they've hurt your feelings.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
Yeah, if if that's happening and they're just turning it
around on you or twisting your words or doing something
that indicates that you aren't allowed to have those feelings
or that you shouldn't feel that way, well you are.
There's I don't know how else to put that. Your
intuition is and you are feeling your feelings are I'm hurt,
(23:40):
I'm scared, or I'm feeling very confused. That's that's not
because of you know, your imagination. You're not making that up.
And I think a lot of times people in those
situations tend to just, you know, I guess overlook those
or try to downplay their emotions and like, oh, I'm
over reacting because they do hear that from their partner,
(24:02):
and that instills like this idea in their mind that yeah,
maybe I am making a big deal out of it
or you know, but then they start walking on eggshells
and then it creates the situation where I better be
careful about what I say or how I bring this up,
and you know, I better not bring that up again
because last time they got mad. So it really creates
(24:23):
like this, these problems when you can't talk about it,
because then they just get worse because that you know
the abuser is not intending on changing anything as long
as they can maintain control, and that you don't question
anything or push too hard, then you know things are
fine for them, right for them, not for you. Absolutely exactly.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
So it's so important to be able to recognize these
red flags, and that again is why we have you know,
your red Flag quiz, a red Flag quiz, red flag
watch dot com and then keally, another thing that I
think is important is that we have to wreckgnize that
toxic environment. We think about them in our personal relationships
(25:06):
with people who'rek you know, dating or in a romantic
relationship with, but it can also like abusers can be
abusers can be at your work situation, and they can
also as we very much know, they can be online.
So the tools and the principles that you teach in
(25:28):
recognizing these red flags are important at work and online
as well.
Speaker 3 (25:31):
Right, Yeah, absolutely, I think there is like an issue
with bringing up bread flags at work or trying to
call them out because sometimes in your position that you
can't do that. So we you know, I'm coming up
with different ideas that you can do or things that
you can try to alleviate some of that pain. But sometimes,
(25:53):
you know, it does take, just like leaving a job
if it's not working out and if you're dealing with
the really toxic work environment. But but yeah, you have
people that you that are family that can sometimes be
toxic too, and you really have to create some firm boundaries.
And sometimes that can be a little tricky when it's
like your mom or something you know, or a sibling
(26:15):
where it can be very difficult to try to create
boundaries when you need to be in close proximity to them,
especially when you're younger.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Well, I know that in your deeper work with those
you help heally, you talk more about you know, how
to handle these specific situations, whether it's in a personal relationship,
romantic relationship, you know, whether that's at work where there
might be some important other considerations like you know, you know,
how do you set a boundary, but also you know,
(26:44):
do you go to HR right and then how do
you decide whether you stay in the job or whether
it really is better for your safety and mental health
to leave the job. And that's one of the big
unfortunate things about abuse is that it's it can be
very unfair, right because sometimes you have to take the
(27:05):
next move to protect yourself, but that still maybe the
absolute right thing to do, the best thing. And then online,
you know, setting boundaries online, the same principles and steps
can apply. But then again, just as in a work relationship,
an online situation you may just have to remove yourself
(27:26):
from that group or that or that you know, engaging
with that person.
Speaker 3 (27:30):
Right, Yeah, that's sort of like the black key comes
in really handy, and or just you know, disengaging you
don't have to respond to that person at all. Like
people can say whatever they want online. It doesn't make
it right, but you know, ultimately your boundaries are about
how you respond to thing and how in your own behavior.
That's the only thing you can control. So if someone's
(27:52):
engaging with you in a not very positive way online,
you can always, like I said, use the black button,
or you can also just to disengage because that you
don't have to reply to everyone who asks you a question.
You don't have to respond to negative things, you know,
why don't you, you know, create some peace of mind
in your own in your own living and waking life
(28:14):
and don't let those things keep you up at night.
It's not worth it.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
Absolutely, So we're going to take a short break and
then we're going to come back and talk with Kihi
in a little bit more detail about setting sexy boundaries right.
What boundaries are, what boundaries do, and how to set them.
We'll be right back. This is Julianne Turner on Conscious
Shift Shift.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
If you love the voices and visionaries shared here on
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(29:35):
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(31:00):
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Speaker 4 (31:50):
Today, welcome back everyone.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
This is Julianne Turner. We're so glad you're joining us
today on Conscious Shift and today we're talking with Heally May,
the founder of Sexy Boundaries, and we have been talking
about how to recognize red flags, things that should throw
up a caution flag in your life so that you
(32:23):
are honoring your value, honoring your safety. And what we
want to talk about now, Kighley, is how to set
those boundaries Just in general, what are boundaries? Why do
we need them? Give us a little intro into setting boundaries.
Speaker 3 (32:42):
Sure, when you're setting boundaries, you have to really know
who you are as a person. You have to know
what you like, what you don't like, what you're going
to tolerate, what you won't And it's really about, you know,
thinking about what's important to you and how you live
your life with integrity and with you know, the idea
that you are your own person. You don't have to
(33:03):
copy anybody else you you know, you can like what
you like and nobody should be, you know, making those
decisions for you. So boundary creation is really, in the
most simplest terms, it's like where's your line in the sand?
And you know, that's really what's important. So in order
to kind of figure out where your line in the
(33:23):
sand is, I usually tell people like the first step
and I have red flag information everywhere, because if you
don't know what some of these red flags are like,
for example, like the whole yelling thing, Like in some
cultures that's a thing that's not even a red flag.
That's how people communicate, you know. And but in my
where I was brought up that's that's not how you're
(33:45):
supposed to communicate. That's not healthy and what I would
look at as my culture. So figuring out where your
red flags are, what to watch out for, and then
also you know, understanding what you're going to tolerate and
what you won't like. Where is my limit here, you know?
And what I'm tolerating you know, because sometimes that's flexible
depending on the situation. When you're friends, you might do
(34:07):
something you might not normally do, but you know, within
a safety a safe place, you know what I mean,
it's not going to be something that's dangerous. And then
in terms of the boundary, it's like, okay, here's the line.
Is someone trying to cross that? Or am I comfortable
where we're at right here? And then enforcing it is
another step in terms of okay, what am I going
(34:29):
to do to control myself? Like how am I going
to create safety for me?
Speaker 2 (34:36):
Right? So the need for a boundary is as you
as you said several times, keyly, the thing to understand
about boundaries is and the reason that they protect your
power is really because they're within your control. Other people's
behavior is not within your control. And so the reason
(34:59):
that we talk about the importance of setting boundaries is
that it's something that sets a limit that's within your control.
And so you're going to be able to say you
cross that line in the sand, right mm hmmm, as
simple as you said earlier, like you're yelling, right, and
(35:22):
as long as you're yelling, that's kind of the boundary. Right.
As long as you're yelling, we're not going to be
able to have a a you know, a conversation to
resolve this issue, right, And so you're setting the boundary,
and you're also saying, and as long as you're doing that,
I'm going to remove myself from the situation.
Speaker 3 (35:43):
Yep, because that's within your realm of control. You can't
you can't remove that other person. That's not how this works.
Speaker 4 (35:50):
Right.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
So those are some simple steps, and I know you've
got some really powerful but simple steps and tools that
we're going to share that people will be able to
access after they do the quiz, the red Flag watch
dot Com quiz, and really important that people understand. Then
(36:13):
how do boundaries then help reinforce.
Speaker 5 (36:16):
Your own your own power and value Because when you
have boundaries, you are are keeping your power, whereas when
you allow people to walk all over you.
Speaker 3 (36:27):
Or you know, when you're not having firm boundaries, you're
giving away your power. So I think that's the real
determination to make, like am I giving away my power?
Or am I keeping my power within myself? Because once
you start giving away your power, then you find yourself
in situations that aren't fair for you a lot of
the times. And it's not about having power over someone
(36:48):
else either. It's about controlling you ultimately and just keeping
yourself safe.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
And in addition to keeping yourself safe and in a
much more positive environment where you can continue to evolve
and grow right, hopefully with a partner who can do that,
is that you can attract better partners.
Speaker 3 (37:09):
Yeah, absolutely right.
Speaker 2 (37:12):
Because once you know, you almost enter situations, as we
said before, you know, with a presence, with a stature,
if you will, an energy that commands respect in a
good way. Right, that that sets that sexy boundary. And
I love that. I love that that concept of sexy
(37:33):
boundaries because to me, that makes the importance of boundaries.
Not only it does it does it point to how
important that is, but it talks about the power that
that keeps for us, right, the benefits that that keeps
in terms of better environment for us, non toxic environment
(37:55):
for us, being able to be in relationship with people
who want I want to have positive experience and evolve
like we do, and in a situation where we're respected
and they're respected, and where you could build a relationship
for the long term right that will be sustainable.
Speaker 3 (38:15):
Absolutely, And I think the other thing too to remember
is that with sexy boundaries, the other thing I wanted
to do is kind of make it fun, because the
idea of boundary creation is sort of like you know,
watching paint drag. In my opinion, it's not always like
the most exciting things. So I wanted to make it
more interesting for people because it is really important, and
I think there just needs to be more awareness about
(38:37):
it and people really need to understand more about themselves
because I think we also need more authenticity in this world,
because that's really the only way to build really positive,
good relationships.
Speaker 2 (38:48):
And one of the other aspects I know that you
talk about in terms of setting boundaries is you know,
if you can, in addition to setting the boundary, to
be able to find a shared a common goal with someone.
I talk to people who have attempted to set boundaries
with a partner, you know, in a family situation where
(39:14):
in a dynamic where they're having an argument, one of
the things that they would do is say, I know
you care about our children. I know we both care
about them and we want what's best for them. And
by setting a higher goal right that you can hold
in common, that sets the conversation and the boundaries up
(39:34):
to move in the right direction.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
Yep. Absolutely. And then the other thing is that if
you're dealing with a toxic person, you won't be able
to do that. So that's pretty much the key to
understanding who you're dealing with, because if someone is absolutely
not going to be on the same page with you
or refuses, it's just not a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
And so Keely, I know that when you're working with
those you help sometimes you you help them not only
recognize the red flags, really tune into what they what
they do want, learn to trust their intuition, but also
do you help them really come to terms with if
they recognize this really is a toxic relationship, you can
(40:19):
give them guidance to get out of it.
Speaker 3 (40:22):
Yeah. I'm not a therapist or someone who can like
give you, you know, information on certain things, but I
can direct you to resources for exit plans and things
of that nature. And you know, if you need to
talk to a therapist, you know, I can help put
you in touch with resources that can help you, you know,
in terms of understanding. You know, maybe what's the next step.
Speaker 2 (40:43):
Is Okay, the final point I want to cover with
you is really sexy. Boundaries are a start to stand
in your power and worthiness. But ultimately you want to
move into a situation, as you say Kihlee in the book,
(41:04):
you know, where you're the champion of yourself.
Speaker 3 (41:07):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (41:08):
Right where you are standing in your power, you're attracting
partners of a higher caliber, and you're more readily recognizing,
you know, right up front, not after you get in
the relationship, but like even as you're considering a relationship
these red flags. So what we want to do is
(41:29):
encourage our listeners to go to either red Flag watch
dot com where you can where you can actually fill
out the red flag quiz that Killi's created very powerful,
and then tell us what happens after you fill out
the quiz, Kiley.
Speaker 3 (41:46):
After you fill out the quiz, you actually have the
option to get the red flag. It's a kind of
like a bonus where it gives you an idea of
where you fall in the red flag spectrum. And then
after that you do have the option to you know,
kind of delve into this a little bit deeper. And
(42:07):
I do have a book that people can purchase as
well that goes over the questions I asked and exactly
why they're red flags and hopefully will help people out.
And it's not super expensive, so yeah, so I'm hoping
that'll help people, and then I look forward to creating
more content. I do have a Facebook page two at
the moment, and I create a lot of memes to
(42:28):
kind of make things a little bit funny or spicy,
but just to bring more interest to the topic, because again,
it doesn't have to be boring.
Speaker 2 (42:35):
Right, So, red flag watch dot com or you can
go to Sexy Boundaries dot com that's Kili's main website,
and then right at the top you will be able
to see the red Flag quiz button and then you
get a red flag report, right. You actually get based
on your answers, like Killy said, you know, an assessment
(42:56):
of where you where you land in terms of uh,
the spectrum of the extent of red flags that you
might want to be aware of. And and then in
Kili's book, The Ultimate Guide to Sexy Boundaries Twenty Ways
to Recognize Toxic and Abusive Behavior, she actually goes into
(43:17):
much more detail so you can understand really the theory,
the thinking behind each red flag, and it really gives
you a more complete context, an idea of how to
orient yourself I think in relationships. Is that fair to say?
Speaker 3 (43:33):
Yeah, I think so. And it just gives people a
little bit more context in general instead of just saying
this is a red flag, but it doesn't really explain
why or delve really deeply into that. And that's what
I wanted to accomplish with this.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
Book absolutely, And so I know that Kili does have
some great means. So if you want to check out
her Facebook page, it's Sexy Boundaries on Facebook page and
you can search for that on Facebook. And then she's
also is cooking up some new content. She's got a
(44:04):
new tool coming out, as we said, for a simple
way to set sexy boundaries. And that's what we all
need is right to be able to immediately know what
to do in a situation, because these situations can be
kind of stressful, right, and so you need you need,
and I think you're coming up with an acronym, so
it's really easy to remember what to do even in
(44:28):
a stressful situation, so you know exactly what to do,
and it all starts with the red flags. So we
want to encourage everyone to go now to red flag
watch dot com or sexyboundaries dot com, check out killimay,
and then Akili, we want to just thank you for
being unconscious shift with us today and sharing your life's work,
(44:49):
sharing your guidance. And I know that you work with
others even beyond these these initial tools if they have
a situation where they need to work through the details
right customized to their situation. And I think that's so
important today because we don't really have those allies right,
somebody who actually understands, has been there, done, no judgment right,
(45:14):
just compure compassion and understanding and then clear a guidance
from all of your experience, your personal experience, your studies
about relationships and how to set sexy boundaries so that
you have an expert ally a guide to be able
to show you how to extricate yourself if you've been
(45:34):
in a toxic relationship, and then even better than that,
to avoid them altogether.
Speaker 4 (45:40):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (45:40):
Absolutely, It's been a joy to.
Speaker 2 (45:42):
Have you on Conscious Shift, Killey, and I just want
to encourage again all of our conscious shifters to check
out Redflag watch dot com and Sexyboundaries dot com with
Kiellymay and then remember conscious shifters that if you want
to actually get more information about my work, the best
way to start is go to my signature Genius workshop
(46:04):
at my Genius workshop dot com. Lots of great resources
for you today on Conscious Shift, and we look forward
to having you with us on the next shows.
Speaker 6 (46:18):
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Speaker 1 (48:31):
Okay, you've been listening to Conscious Shift with your host
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(48:54):
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Conscious Shift with Julianne Turner brings insights from leading voices
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you to discover how to consciously create the life, work,
(00:27):
and world you most desire. And now here's your Conscious
Shift host, Julianne Turner.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Welcome everyone. This is Julianne Turner and we are so
glad you're joining us today for Conscious Shift. And we
have a very special guest today with a very special
question for all of us. I want to talk with
you today about women. Women who know that they are
(01:01):
not going to allow themselves to be diminished or mistreated,
who are standing in their power. Have you ever wondered
how claiming your power and setting positive boundaries can be sexy? Well,
welcome to the conversation today. We're going to be talking
with Keihlee May, who is founder of Sexy Boundaries and
(01:24):
she is also author of the Ultimate Guide to Sexy Boundaries,
Twenty Ways to Recognize toxic and abusive behavior. And she
is also creator of the red Flag Quiz. We're going
to talk about how you can access that at redflagwatch
dot com. So Kihly, welcome to Conscious Shift.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Thank you for having me. Nice to be here, Julian.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
It's such a joy to have you today. And just
so you know, a Kihi is a leader not only
in her work life, but she's also been a city
alderman in her community, and she's raising her daughter and
her niece, and her work to help girls and women
avoid domestic abuse is really powerful and she helps women
(02:13):
and girls set strong boundaries and all of this comes
from a very personal experience, a very personal story. So Killie,
I would love to just invite you to start us
off with why you do this? Why is this so
important to you?
Speaker 3 (02:28):
Thanks Julianne. I guess this all started when I had
my own experience with verbal abuse in my relationship, and
I just remember feeling very confused and not knowing what
to do and what was happening in my world. And
then the other part of it was that my twin
(02:49):
sister had actually passed away and she unfortunately was experiencing
domestic violence in her relationship. I just thought, gosh, you know,
I wish I just could have seen things sooner. If
there's any way for me to see these things before
I'm in it, if I'm in a relationship like this,
(03:09):
it would be great to know, or when I'm experiencing
it in a relationship, you know, it would be great
to help people understand sooner, like when they're experiencing these things,
to be able to leave, you know, a lot quicker,
because there's so many times I think that women find themselves,
i mean men too, to be fair in the situation
(03:30):
where gosh, you know, I don't I don't even know
my partner anymore. I don't even know what I'm doing here.
And so the whole point of this whole system, in
this whole book and the website and everything that I'm
doing is to really honor my sister, and then honor
those who you know, hopefully are looking for a way
out and feel kind of stuck. So I'm hoping this
(03:51):
can help some more people, because it's important that they understand,
you know, some things, to hopefully help them out to
understand what they're experiencing. Because it took me a lot
of books that I read and a lot of things
to understand what I was even experiencing.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Absolutely, I can't even imagine, Kealey, what it would be
life to like to lose your sister really related to
domestic violence.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
That just is very heartbreaking.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
And I can understand, you know, in your own life,
if you've experienced that too, why this is such a
calling and a cause for you. And so the first
thing I would love to explore is how are boundaries sexy?
Let's talk about you know what that means.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Well, the reason I came up with sexy boundaries is
because you know, I realized there are people out there that,
you know, I thought were really well rounded people who
just kind of took charge of their own life. And
I'm like, gosh, I would really like to be like,
that's what's the standout thing that makes them so attractive
to other people? And it's really having boundaries and knowing
(04:58):
who you are as a person and being able to
tell people, look, I'm not okay with that and just
be very straightforward about it. And it's not easy for
everybody because I think a lot of times, you know,
when our relationships or even our models for behavior, they
don't always show us exactly what boundaries are, and boundaries
(05:21):
attract the right people into your life and keep out
the wrong people. So I feel like that's really important
for people to know because I wasn't taught that in school.
My parents didn't teach me that, And so it's time somebody,
I guess, took the reins. And you know, I'm doing
my best to help people understand how to do that themselves.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
It's so important. And you're right, we're not taught how
to respect ourselves right, how to truly value ourselves. And
it is sexy when you see someone who is standing
in their power. It's kind of like a light, you know,
you say, you know what she got right, she's got
(06:00):
of she lights up the room. Right. When you see
people like that, you wonder what is it that enables
them to hold that light, that power and stand and
stand in their own value like that. And so when
we're talking about sexy boundaries, it's really in relationship to
someone else, Right, how do you set a boundary a
(06:22):
limit to what in that interaction with another person, in
a relationship with another person where you still feel safe
and comfortable, and you recognize when somebody's crossing that boundary, right,
So One of the things that you shared with me
before the show is you know, never let anyone else
(06:42):
define what you're worth.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Absolutely yeah, because you ultimately are the person who defines
your worth. When you start allowing other people to define
your worth, number one, they're not going to prace you
as high, and they're going to probably give you less
value than you deserve. And really it's about taking you know,
(07:08):
understanding that about yourself, like I do have value and
I do deserve to be treated well, and I think
it's important to understand like what your likes and dislikes are,
and you know, that's really the only way you can
create boundaries. And when you start allowing other people to
identify your value for you too, it's sort of like
(07:31):
people pleasing type behavior. And when you fall into that,
it really makes it obvious for people that you're looking
for some sort of validation and it's not healthy and
it just sort of screams you know that you don't
have the confidence and or have insecurities that are really
(07:52):
being shown to everybody who aren't good people that will
really take advantage of that. So when you start to
value yourself, you don't tolerate certain behaviors you don't tolerate
certain things, and that keeps the bad people out and
attracts more of the good people to you.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Absolutely, And I know, Keiley, much of your work with
young women and all women is really helping you first
to identify and own your value, your worth right, to
understand your worthiness, your inherent worthiness, which is really important
because we're not taught that in school either. And the
(08:31):
other thing that I know that you've shared is that
you do really want to start off by knowing what
you want. As you said, you can't set boundaries unless
you know the things you want and the things that
you don't want. What will I allow and what won't
I allow? So how you go about, you know, becoming
(08:52):
more aware of in touch with what you want?
Speaker 4 (08:57):
For me?
Speaker 3 (08:58):
When I started this journey, it wasn't easy. It really
I had to. I read a lot of books and
I looked over a lot of things because I didn't
really understand how to make a boundary. I'm like, it
sounds like something so simple, right, this should be easy,
But I had no idea where to start. And I
started thinking about things I didn't like about my previous
(09:19):
relationship that I had left, and I thought Okay, I
didn't really like it a lot when he yelled at me,
I thought that was horrible. It just really didn't feel
good at all. And a lot of times I didn't
even know why he was yelling at me. So, you know,
I took that as one of the boundaries that I'm
not going to tolerate in my life, like with a partner,
(09:39):
you know, hey, you know this is something that I
really didn't sit well with me. So now when it
comes up in a new relationship, I'm going to put
up a boundary and understand, like, hey, look, you know,
there's no reason we need to be yelling here. You know,
if you're going to continue yelling, I'm going to have
to remove myself from the situation. Because ultimately, boundaries are
about how what you're going to do about it. If
(10:02):
you say stop yelling or doing things like that, that's
kind of shouting commands of people, and when things are
already at a situation that isn't favorable, like, people don't
really take that really well. So it's really about how
you're going to control yourself, because right we can only
control ourselves as people, and how you're going to remove
yourself from that situation or take a time out and
revisit the conversation later once things cool down exactly.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
And I know we're going to talk about a little
bit more about how to recognize when somebody's crossed a boundary,
and also we're going to talk about a new tool
that you've created for people that is going to help
making setting boundaries much easier, right, really clear, because again,
we haven't been taught to do that. And so I
(10:49):
think one of the things that people don't always realize
is that recognizing abuse. Abuse can be verbal, it can
be emotional, it can be energetic, it can be physical, right,
And just because abuse isn't physical, doesn't mean it's not
abuse absolutely.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
I think that was one thing that confused me, and
I think you know, up until now, like when I
was experiencing this, it wasn't talked about at all, and
I really had to do a lot of digging to
figure out what I was experiencing. Because when you're experiencing
emotional or verbal abuse, if you're raising a family where
somebody you know, you see your parents not working things
(11:34):
out in a very constructive way and yelling at each other,
it's really hard to understand what's healthy and a good
relationship or what's a healthy relationship, And so when it
occurred in my relationships, I wasn't very clear about that
because I'm like, Okay, I thought, you know, this is
just how relationships are sometimes, well, they absolutely do not
have to be that way. And I think that's what
(11:55):
I want to wake people up to is that, you know,
I had a expressed to my partner one time, I'm like,
you know, explaining how my sister wasn't being treated very well.
And I said, do you see the connection between how
you talk to me and how he talks to her?
And he said, I'm nothing like that person. I don't
hit you, And that was his defining. You know, what
(12:17):
abuse really was was just physical.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Do you think that a lot of young women who
are just starting in relationships don't recognize that belittling them, telling,
not honoring their wishes, those kinds of things art can
be abusive. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Absolutely, And I think the younger young women can understand what,
you know, what they're allowed to have for boundaries is
really important, or even what red flags to watch out
for and to really pay attention to their feelings in
the moment when things are happening because your intuition tells
you so much more than we give it credit for it.
And when you get a feeling that doesn't sit well
(13:04):
with you or confuses you, those are our red flags.
That's exactly what red flag behavior does. It really confuses
you and makes you. It kind of puts you in
a situation where it really surprises and shocks you, and
you could be in a total shock as to what's
happening and not understanding how this is happening, because there's
(13:25):
nothing that you did in your mind to provoke that
sort of response from somebody.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Right, Well, let's talk about red flags. A core of
your work. It's so well done. Keighly is really helping
identify what red flags to look out for. That's at
the heart of your red Flag quiz at red flag
watch dot com. And also really you go into much
(13:52):
more depth about each red flag and how to think
about each one in the Ultimate Guide to Sexy Boundaries.
So let's talk about a couple of a couple of
the red flags that are included in the quiz and
also in the book. The first one that I'm going
to mention, and these I could to pick any of them.
(14:13):
They're all really spot on. But one of them, I
think that's a really good example. Is one of the
red flags is does your partner usually plan all the
activities you do together without muchct input from you. You're
normally doing activities together that they want to do and
rarely doing or participating in activities you'd like to do.
(14:37):
Why is that a red flag?
Speaker 3 (14:40):
Well, it's a red flag because number one, if you're
just allowing someone to just plan your life, that's people
pleasing behavior that you want to avoid. And the other
thing is that if someone's constantly planning the activities you
do without much input from you, it means that they're
kind of controlling you know what you do. It's kind
of the start or the beginning of a controlling narrative.
(15:03):
So if you imagine something like this, if you've allowed
your partner to do all the planning and all of
this stuff, and it's gone on for a year or
two and you've been kind of fine with it, or
just going going with the flow, so to speak, one
day when you want to do something and you're like, hey,
you know, i'd really like to go do this, they
might look at you like you have three heads because
(15:23):
you have never once asked to do something. And I
think that that's sometimes some pitfalls women fall into because
we hear all these weird things like online men are
supposed to lead and this thing, you know, But really,
when you're in a partnership, you should both be providing input,
and if one or the other isn't providing input, it's
not really a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
Right, And what I've heard from from other women sometimes, Kiley,
is that you can go for years like that and
become so disconnected from your true self and what you want,
and that you don't even really recognize what your own
(16:05):
values are.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
Yeah, you forget what your interests are as well. Like you,
you know, you might share a lot of the same
interests and hobbies as your partner, but there's no differentiation.
Like we're all people in our own right that have
our own thoughts, feelings and interests. And you know, at
some point when you deviate from your partner after having
been so well matched, they're going to think, Wow, what
(16:30):
is this big change you've changed as a person, Like
now all of a sudden, you want to give me
your opinion about stuff? Where is this coming from? You know?
And I I mean if you think about it it
makes sense because they've had their way the whole time,
or they've just provided the input without much challenge or
any input from you. So yeah, you definitely lose who
(16:53):
you are in that moment because of the fact that
you you're not thinking anymore. You're allowing your partner to
sort thing for you.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
And it can start really early work for young women,
young girls, because the as you said, we're kind of
conditioned to want to please, right. I think especially young
girls are thinking, I want the other person to like me.
(17:22):
I want them to like me, so I want to
be what they like instead of balancing that. It's not
that you it's not that you would never say you
would do things that are pleasing to another what in
a relationship, you're going to do those things. But if
it's all one sided, right, then again you're starting out
(17:43):
in a pattern that can can lead to more extreme abuse.
Speaker 4 (17:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
Absolutely. And the other thing is like when you're you're
leading with the people pleasing nature, it's like you're not
providing much input for them either to understand if you're
the right person for them, because if you're just trying
to match someone's interests or energy and things like that,
and that's maybe not a maybe you are willing to
(18:10):
just kind of go at the flow, but you really
need to for someone to get to know you as
a person and very authentically. They have to know where
your interests are, what do you like, what do you
not like, and you can see based on being authentic
whether or not you're right for each other. And if
people are sort of masking that, that does not allow
for a true connection, that's right.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
So that's one red flag, right where somebody is always
planning your whole life for you, which again it's a
matter of degree, right, If a partner is wanting to
please you and doing some things and surprising you for
a birthday and planning things out, that's a different thing
than if they're doing that constantly and you never have
(18:57):
any kind of input into what you do. Other red
flags we've touched on, as you said, certainly in your
own relationship, like if somebody's yelling at you all the time,
or they're calling you names, or they're always bad mouthing
their previous partners, like and they've had eight partners and
they're bad mouthing all.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
Of them, there's a problem, and it's probably meet the
other people like you.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Said that might be a red flag, right. Another one
that you have in the red flag quiz is do
most of your arguments with your partner remain unsolved or
keep repeating why is that a red flag?
Speaker 3 (19:36):
That's a red flag? Because as adults like, yes, sometimes
people get angry and they need to just take a
break to just, you know, process what's going on and
what the situation really is. Because when you're when you're
in an emotional state, you're not thinking very logically, So
it's important for people to just sort of take a
step back and then, you know, assess what's going on.
(19:59):
And in a healthy relationship, they should be able to
come back together a while later to discuss what happened
in a very calm manner and work through things. You know,
an unhealthy or toxic relationship, you're not able to find
any resolution to problems because number one, the abuser doesn't
want the problem to be solved. Usually it surrounds something
(20:22):
with you know, how you're feeling or you feel like
something is unfair, Well, they want it to be unfair.
They don't care if it's unfair as long as they're
getting their needs met and what they want. They don't
really care about you, And that's a really hard pill
to swallow for a lot of people because of the
fact that you know, it's someone that you love and
someone who's claiming to love you. But if someone truly
(20:45):
loved you, they're not going to just completely, you know,
ignore your feelings and act like you know what, that
you're being crazy for having some feelings about what's happening exactly.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
And that's why what you said, Keiley about the importance
of trusting your own intuition and kind of cultivating developing
your ability to tune into how are you feeling about this?
Does it make you feel threatened or unsafe or you know,
in some way confused? Right, Trust that there's a reason
(21:21):
for that, and even if you can't articulate it, if
you're feeling unsafe or threatened, that's something to pay attention to,
because I would say, because and if you state that
to the other person and let them know how you're feeling,
and that is diminished instead of listen to and accepted,
(21:43):
that's a big red flag, right because one of the
things that abusers will do is what you call roading
the boundaries right where they are kind of gaslighting you
and saying, oh, you know, you're just overreacting.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
That was just a joke.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
And really, again, as you said, it can cause you
to start to doubt.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Yourself, right, Yeah, absolutely, because when you're being diminished or
you're you know, things are really being treated like it's
not a big deal, but your intuition is just screaming
at you, there's a huge disconnect there, and it creates
a lot of confusion because here is a partner. Again
they say that they are this is the person that's
(22:25):
supposed to love you and care about you, but they're
acting in a way that you most likely would never
treat them. And so that creates like a disconnect and
a lot of confusion because of the fact that you're like, Okay,
well he says he loves me, but this keeps happening.
I don't really understand, like why this keeps happening. So yeah,
when you try to bring that feeling up or try
(22:46):
to find some resolution to it, you will never find it,
or if they do, they might apologize and then just
keep repeating that behavior, which is also red like because
that's not them trying to make any you know, any
correction to that behavior at.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
All, exactly, and So that's why one of your red
flags is, uh, does your partner fail to take responsibility
when they have done something wrong or hurtful and they've
they've and you've expressed that that they've hurt your feelings.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
Yeah, if if that's happening and they're just turning it
around on you or twisting your words or doing something
that indicates that you aren't allowed to have those feelings
or that you shouldn't feel that way, well you are.
There's I don't know how else to put that. Your
intuition is and you are feeling your feelings are I'm hurt,
(23:40):
I'm scared, or I'm feeling very confused. That's that's not
because of you know, your imagination. You're not making that up.
And I think a lot of times people in those
situations tend to just, you know, I guess overlook those
or try to downplay their emotions and like, oh, I'm
over reacting because they do hear that from their partner,
(24:02):
and that instills like this idea in their mind that yeah,
maybe I am making a big deal out of it
or you know, but then they start walking on eggshells
and then it creates the situation where I better be
careful about what I say or how I bring this up,
and you know, I better not bring that up again
because last time they got mad. So it really creates
(24:23):
like this, these problems when you can't talk about it,
because then they just get worse because that you know
the abuser is not intending on changing anything as long
as they can maintain control, and that you don't question
anything or push too hard, then you know things are
fine for them, right for them, not for you. Absolutely exactly.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
So it's so important to be able to recognize these
red flags, and that again is why we have you know,
your red Flag quiz, a red Flag quiz, red flag
watch dot com and then keally, another thing that I
think is important is that we have to wreckgnize that
toxic environment. We think about them in our personal relationships
(25:06):
with people who'rek you know, dating or in a romantic
relationship with, but it can also like abusers can be
abusers can be at your work situation, and they can
also as we very much know, they can be online.
So the tools and the principles that you teach in
(25:28):
recognizing these red flags are important at work and online
as well.
Speaker 3 (25:31):
Right, Yeah, absolutely, I think there is like an issue
with bringing up bread flags at work or trying to
call them out because sometimes in your position that you
can't do that. So we you know, I'm coming up
with different ideas that you can do or things that
you can try to alleviate some of that pain. But sometimes,
(25:53):
you know, it does take, just like leaving a job
if it's not working out and if you're dealing with
the really toxic work environment. But but yeah, you have
people that you that are family that can sometimes be
toxic too, and you really have to create some firm boundaries.
And sometimes that can be a little tricky when it's
like your mom or something you know, or a sibling
(26:15):
where it can be very difficult to try to create
boundaries when you need to be in close proximity to them,
especially when you're younger.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Well, I know that in your deeper work with those
you help heally, you talk more about you know, how
to handle these specific situations, whether it's in a personal relationship,
romantic relationship, you know, whether that's at work where there
might be some important other considerations like you know, you know,
how do you set a boundary, but also you know,
(26:44):
do you go to HR right and then how do
you decide whether you stay in the job or whether
it really is better for your safety and mental health
to leave the job. And that's one of the big
unfortunate things about abuse is that it's it can be
very unfair, right because sometimes you have to take the
(27:05):
next move to protect yourself, but that still maybe the
absolute right thing to do, the best thing. And then online,
you know, setting boundaries online, the same principles and steps
can apply. But then again, just as in a work relationship,
an online situation you may just have to remove yourself
(27:26):
from that group or that or that you know, engaging
with that person.
Speaker 3 (27:30):
Right, Yeah, that's sort of like the black key comes
in really handy, and or just you know, disengaging you
don't have to respond to that person at all. Like
people can say whatever they want online. It doesn't make
it right, but you know, ultimately your boundaries are about
how you respond to thing and how in your own behavior.
That's the only thing you can control. So if someone's
(27:52):
engaging with you in a not very positive way online,
you can always, like I said, use the black button,
or you can also just to disengage because that you
don't have to reply to everyone who asks you a question.
You don't have to respond to negative things, you know,
why don't you, you know, create some peace of mind
in your own in your own living and waking life
(28:14):
and don't let those things keep you up at night.
It's not worth it.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
Absolutely, So we're going to take a short break and
then we're going to come back and talk with Kihi
in a little bit more detail about setting sexy boundaries right.
What boundaries are, what boundaries do, and how to set them.
We'll be right back. This is Julianne Turner on Conscious
Shift Shift.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
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(31:00):
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Speaker 4 (31:50):
Today, welcome back everyone.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
This is Julianne Turner. We're so glad you're joining us
today on Conscious Shift and today we're talking with Heally May,
the founder of Sexy Boundaries, and we have been talking
about how to recognize red flags, things that should throw
up a caution flag in your life so that you
(32:23):
are honoring your value, honoring your safety. And what we
want to talk about now, Kighley, is how to set
those boundaries Just in general, what are boundaries? Why do
we need them? Give us a little intro into setting boundaries.
Speaker 3 (32:42):
Sure, when you're setting boundaries, you have to really know
who you are as a person. You have to know
what you like, what you don't like, what you're going
to tolerate, what you won't And it's really about, you know,
thinking about what's important to you and how you live
your life with integrity and with you know, the idea
that you are your own person. You don't have to
(33:03):
copy anybody else you you know, you can like what
you like and nobody should be, you know, making those
decisions for you. So boundary creation is really, in the
most simplest terms, it's like where's your line in the sand?
And you know, that's really what's important. So in order
to kind of figure out where your line in the
(33:23):
sand is, I usually tell people like the first step
and I have red flag information everywhere, because if you
don't know what some of these red flags are like,
for example, like the whole yelling thing, Like in some
cultures that's a thing that's not even a red flag.
That's how people communicate, you know. And but in my
where I was brought up that's that's not how you're
(33:45):
supposed to communicate. That's not healthy and what I would
look at as my culture. So figuring out where your
red flags are, what to watch out for, and then
also you know, understanding what you're going to tolerate and
what you won't like. Where is my limit here, you know?
And what I'm tolerating you know, because sometimes that's flexible
depending on the situation. When you're friends, you might do
(34:07):
something you might not normally do, but you know, within
a safety a safe place, you know what I mean,
it's not going to be something that's dangerous. And then
in terms of the boundary, it's like, okay, here's the line.
Is someone trying to cross that? Or am I comfortable
where we're at right here? And then enforcing it is
another step in terms of okay, what am I going
(34:29):
to do to control myself? Like how am I going
to create safety for me?
Speaker 2 (34:36):
Right? So the need for a boundary is as you
as you said several times, keyly, the thing to understand
about boundaries is and the reason that they protect your
power is really because they're within your control. Other people's
behavior is not within your control. And so the reason
(34:59):
that we talk about the importance of setting boundaries is
that it's something that sets a limit that's within your control.
And so you're going to be able to say you
cross that line in the sand, right mm hmmm, as
simple as you said earlier, like you're yelling, right, and
(35:22):
as long as you're yelling, that's kind of the boundary. Right.
As long as you're yelling, we're not going to be
able to have a a you know, a conversation to
resolve this issue, right, And so you're setting the boundary,
and you're also saying, and as long as you're doing that,
I'm going to remove myself from the situation.
Speaker 3 (35:43):
Yep, because that's within your realm of control. You can't
you can't remove that other person. That's not how this works.
Speaker 4 (35:50):
Right.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
So those are some simple steps, and I know you've
got some really powerful but simple steps and tools that
we're going to share that people will be able to
access after they do the quiz, the red Flag watch
dot Com quiz, and really important that people understand. Then
(36:13):
how do boundaries then help reinforce.
Speaker 5 (36:16):
Your own your own power and value Because when you
have boundaries, you are are keeping your power, whereas when
you allow people to walk all over you.
Speaker 3 (36:27):
Or you know, when you're not having firm boundaries, you're
giving away your power. So I think that's the real
determination to make, like am I giving away my power?
Or am I keeping my power within myself? Because once
you start giving away your power, then you find yourself
in situations that aren't fair for you a lot of
the times. And it's not about having power over someone
(36:48):
else either. It's about controlling you ultimately and just keeping
yourself safe.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
And in addition to keeping yourself safe and in a
much more positive environment where you can continue to evolve
and grow right, hopefully with a partner who can do that,
is that you can attract better partners.
Speaker 3 (37:09):
Yeah, absolutely right.
Speaker 2 (37:12):
Because once you know, you almost enter situations, as we
said before, you know, with a presence, with a stature,
if you will, an energy that commands respect in a
good way. Right, that that sets that sexy boundary. And
I love that. I love that that concept of sexy
(37:33):
boundaries because to me, that makes the importance of boundaries.
Not only it does it does it point to how
important that is, but it talks about the power that
that keeps for us, right, the benefits that that keeps
in terms of better environment for us, non toxic environment
(37:55):
for us, being able to be in relationship with people
who want I want to have positive experience and evolve
like we do, and in a situation where we're respected
and they're respected, and where you could build a relationship
for the long term right that will be sustainable.
Speaker 3 (38:15):
Absolutely, And I think the other thing too to remember
is that with sexy boundaries, the other thing I wanted
to do is kind of make it fun, because the
idea of boundary creation is sort of like you know,
watching paint drag. In my opinion, it's not always like
the most exciting things. So I wanted to make it
more interesting for people because it is really important, and
I think there just needs to be more awareness about
(38:37):
it and people really need to understand more about themselves
because I think we also need more authenticity in this world,
because that's really the only way to build really positive,
good relationships.
Speaker 2 (38:48):
And one of the other aspects I know that you
talk about in terms of setting boundaries is you know,
if you can, in addition to setting the boundary, to
be able to find a shared a common goal with someone.
I talk to people who have attempted to set boundaries
with a partner, you know, in a family situation where
(39:14):
in a dynamic where they're having an argument, one of
the things that they would do is say, I know
you care about our children. I know we both care
about them and we want what's best for them. And
by setting a higher goal right that you can hold
in common, that sets the conversation and the boundaries up
(39:34):
to move in the right direction.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
Yep. Absolutely. And then the other thing is that if
you're dealing with a toxic person, you won't be able
to do that. So that's pretty much the key to
understanding who you're dealing with, because if someone is absolutely
not going to be on the same page with you
or refuses, it's just not a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
And so Keely, I know that when you're working with
those you help sometimes you you help them not only
recognize the red flags, really tune into what they what
they do want, learn to trust their intuition, but also
do you help them really come to terms with if
they recognize this really is a toxic relationship, you can
(40:19):
give them guidance to get out of it.
Speaker 3 (40:22):
Yeah. I'm not a therapist or someone who can like
give you, you know, information on certain things, but I
can direct you to resources for exit plans and things
of that nature. And you know, if you need to
talk to a therapist, you know, I can help put
you in touch with resources that can help you, you know,
in terms of understanding. You know, maybe what's the next step.
Speaker 2 (40:43):
Is Okay, the final point I want to cover with
you is really sexy. Boundaries are a start to stand
in your power and worthiness. But ultimately you want to
move into a situation, as you say Kihlee in the book,
(41:04):
you know, where you're the champion of yourself.
Speaker 3 (41:07):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (41:08):
Right where you are standing in your power, you're attracting
partners of a higher caliber, and you're more readily recognizing,
you know, right up front, not after you get in
the relationship, but like even as you're considering a relationship
these red flags. So what we want to do is
(41:29):
encourage our listeners to go to either red Flag watch
dot com where you can where you can actually fill
out the red flag quiz that Killi's created very powerful,
and then tell us what happens after you fill out
the quiz, Kiley.
Speaker 3 (41:46):
After you fill out the quiz, you actually have the
option to get the red flag. It's a kind of
like a bonus where it gives you an idea of
where you fall in the red flag spectrum. And then
after that you do have the option to you know,
kind of delve into this a little bit deeper. And
(42:07):
I do have a book that people can purchase as
well that goes over the questions I asked and exactly
why they're red flags and hopefully will help people out.
And it's not super expensive, so yeah, so I'm hoping
that'll help people, and then I look forward to creating
more content. I do have a Facebook page two at
the moment, and I create a lot of memes to
(42:28):
kind of make things a little bit funny or spicy,
but just to bring more interest to the topic, because again,
it doesn't have to be boring.
Speaker 2 (42:35):
Right, So, red flag watch dot com or you can
go to Sexy Boundaries dot com that's Kili's main website,
and then right at the top you will be able
to see the red Flag quiz button and then you
get a red flag report, right. You actually get based
on your answers, like Killy said, you know, an assessment
(42:56):
of where you where you land in terms of uh,
the spectrum of the extent of red flags that you
might want to be aware of. And and then in
Kili's book, The Ultimate Guide to Sexy Boundaries Twenty Ways
to Recognize Toxic and Abusive Behavior, she actually goes into
(43:17):
much more detail so you can understand really the theory,
the thinking behind each red flag, and it really gives
you a more complete context, an idea of how to
orient yourself I think in relationships. Is that fair to say?
Speaker 3 (43:33):
Yeah, I think so. And it just gives people a
little bit more context in general instead of just saying
this is a red flag, but it doesn't really explain
why or delve really deeply into that. And that's what
I wanted to accomplish with this.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
Book absolutely, And so I know that Kili does have
some great means. So if you want to check out
her Facebook page, it's Sexy Boundaries on Facebook page and
you can search for that on Facebook. And then she's
also is cooking up some new content. She's got a
(44:04):
new tool coming out, as we said, for a simple
way to set sexy boundaries. And that's what we all
need is right to be able to immediately know what
to do in a situation, because these situations can be
kind of stressful, right, and so you need you need,
and I think you're coming up with an acronym, so
it's really easy to remember what to do even in
(44:28):
a stressful situation, so you know exactly what to do,
and it all starts with the red flags. So we
want to encourage everyone to go now to red flag
watch dot com or sexyboundaries dot com, check out killimay,
and then Akili, we want to just thank you for
being unconscious shift with us today and sharing your life's work,
(44:49):
sharing your guidance. And I know that you work with
others even beyond these these initial tools if they have
a situation where they need to work through the details
right customized to their situation. And I think that's so
important today because we don't really have those allies right,
somebody who actually understands, has been there, done, no judgment right,
(45:14):
just compure compassion and understanding and then clear a guidance
from all of your experience, your personal experience, your studies
about relationships and how to set sexy boundaries so that
you have an expert ally a guide to be able
to show you how to extricate yourself if you've been
(45:34):
in a toxic relationship, and then even better than that,
to avoid them altogether.
Speaker 4 (45:40):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (45:40):
Absolutely, It's been a joy to.
Speaker 2 (45:42):
Have you on Conscious Shift, Killey, and I just want
to encourage again all of our conscious shifters to check
out Redflag watch dot com and Sexyboundaries dot com with
Kiellymay and then remember conscious shifters that if you want
to actually get more information about my work, the best
way to start is go to my signature Genius workshop
(46:04):
at my Genius workshop dot com. Lots of great resources
for you today on Conscious Shift, and we look forward
to having you with us on the next shows.
Speaker 6 (46:18):
All visionaries, sages and thought leaders have used a pattern
of thought and archetype of creation to think dramatically differently
from everyone else. In fact, these visionaries begin with an
entirely different worldview that enables them to see beyond what
is to what can be. The good news is that
(46:43):
we can adopt the same worldview, literally, a different thinking
system that all world changers throughout time have used, a
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the twenty first century, this universal thinking system was discovered
(47:04):
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Speaker 1 (47:10):
Genesis of Genius, written by Conscious Shift host Julianne Turner,
is a full color, step by step visual guidebook to
guide you to use this success system to discover and
profit from sharing your own unique genius. Genesis of Genius,
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(47:34):
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Speaker 6 (48:03):
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Speaker 1 (48:31):
Okay, you've been listening to Conscious Shift with your host
Julianne Turner. If You're ready to make your own conscious
shift to awaken the power in singular greatness already within you.
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