August 19, 2019 • 28 mins
If you’ve been Googling ‘sexless marriage’ then you may also be wondering if passion in your marriage can be rekindled.
Most people who now have little to no physical intimacy with their spouse will tell you that it’s not how the relationship started. But somehow, at some point, the passion started to fade. The sex became tense, distant, infrequent. Couple that with feelings of rejection, abandonment, not being loved and even talking about the lack of sex becomes challenging, if not impossible.
That obstacle can drive a wedge further into an already strained relationship so that not only has physical intimacy gone but also the emotional intimacy. By then, one or both of you are considering divorce.
The standard response to that is to try marriage counselling but is there something else you can do to rekindle the passion?
My guest for this Conversation About Divorce is Stephanie Pappas. Pappas is a sex and relationship coach who follows the 5 Erotic Blueprints™ coaching method. Contact Stephanie at CoachingByStephanie.com for a free 30-minute consult.
You'll find a synopsis of this Conversation at my blog: https://sincemydivorce.com/can-the-passion-in-a-sexless-marriage-be-rekindled
Most people who now have little to no physical intimacy with their spouse will tell you that it’s not how the relationship started. But somehow, at some point, the passion started to fade. The sex became tense, distant, infrequent. Couple that with feelings of rejection, abandonment, not being loved and even talking about the lack of sex becomes challenging, if not impossible.
That obstacle can drive a wedge further into an already strained relationship so that not only has physical intimacy gone but also the emotional intimacy. By then, one or both of you are considering divorce.
The standard response to that is to try marriage counselling but is there something else you can do to rekindle the passion?
My guest for this Conversation About Divorce is Stephanie Pappas. Pappas is a sex and relationship coach who follows the 5 Erotic Blueprints™ coaching method. Contact Stephanie at CoachingByStephanie.com for a free 30-minute consult.
You'll find a synopsis of this Conversation at my blog: https://sincemydivorce.com/can-the-passion-in-a-sexless-marriage-be-rekindled
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
Getting a divorce. Even thinking aboutgetting a divorce can be overwhelming, scary,
and sometimes exciting. Join divorce coachand mediator Mandy Walker for conversations about
divorce. The more you know,the easier it will be to make your
divorce healthier, less trustful, andto put it behind you. Here's Mandy.
(00:23):
Welcome to conversations about divorce. I'mMandy Walker, and today we're asking
if you can rekindle the passion ina sexless marriage. Most people find themselves
in a now sexless marriage will tellyou that that's not how their relationships started,
but somehow, at some point,the passion started to fade. Physical
(00:45):
intimacy became tense, distant, infrequent, and with feelings of rejection, abandonment,
not being loved. Talking about itbecomes challenging, if not impossible,
and that obstacle can drive a wedgefurther into the relationship, so that not
only has physical intimacy gone, butalso emotional intimacy. By then, one
(01:08):
or both of you are considering divorce. But for most of the people I've
spoken with, the decision to endthe marriage is the choice of last resort.
They want to be sure that they'vetried everything they can to make the
marriage work before they decide on divorce, and lots of people try marriage counseling,
(01:30):
but is this something else that youcan do to rekindle the passion in
your marriage. My guest today isStephanie Pappas. Stephanie is a sex and
relationship coach who follows the Five EroticBlueprint's method. Welcome Stephanie, Thank you
Mannie of the pleasure here. I'mso glad to have you join us.
(01:52):
I was wondering if you would bewilling to start off by briefly sharing a
little bit about your own story andhow you came to be a sex and
relationship coach. Yeah, definitely.So I kind of started on this journey
after my divorce, which was aboutfive years ago, and just going through
(02:15):
that whole process, which was sodevastating. I really wanted to start working
on myself and I started taking differentclasses and the first one I did was
Mama Gina's School of Womanly Arts,and that led me to finding my mentor,
Jaya, who actually created the FiveErotic Blueprints, and I was just
(02:39):
so impressed with them and it justmade so much sense, Like once I
knew what my blueprint was. Itwas like I just knew myself so much
better and I just had to getinvolved with this work. So I became
a certified Erotic Blueprint coach through herand now I've been practicing for about two
years now. Stephanie, how doesthe coaching that you do differ then from
(03:04):
couples therapy or the work that asex therapist would do. So, I
am a coach, so mostly whatI do is kind of focused on the
present and also what your desires areand what your goals are and kind of
where you want to go in yourrelationships. So I'm not really dealing with
(03:27):
anything like if you have past traumasand things like that, that's something that
definitely are you want to see atherapist. Sports and coaching is also really
great to have someone that is goingto really hold you accountable. So I'm
that person that's going to make surethat you're following through towards getting those goals
accomplished and providing guidance and support andreally just kind of being that cheerleader for
(03:53):
you along the way. So Iwould imagine, I mean, lots of
people are not comfortable to about sex, even with their intimate partner, and
so I was thinking, is preparingfor the show, that this might be
one of the first areas that youhave to work on, definitely, and
(04:15):
you know, it's kind of thefirst thing that we hop into on the
first call together, and so peoplereally do have to open up and kind
of get vulnerable. And it's definitelyvery especially you know, where we are
in our society. It's such likea it's a downplayed part that no one
talks about, and I think peopleare actually just dying to talk about it.
(04:36):
And usually when I'm working with clients, it's like they're just really,
really really excited to open up andlike have someone that they can talk to.
So I've never really had a problemwith people not opening up. It's
kind of the opposite, if thatmakes sense. Okay, well that might
be you know, something to dowith that. You know, the people
who are choosing to come to youare ready to do the work, so
(05:00):
they're not they're not. Maybe thereluctant spouse is being dragged along, it's
right, I think that. SoI was wondering if you know, some
of the work that you do isabout giving people the language to talk about
their needs and their desires. Yes, definitely one of the one of the
(05:20):
topics that we do during myself,I do an eight week kind of coaching
program, and one whole week issurrounding communication and body language and how to
communicate according to kind of what woodprintyou are and what bloodprint your partners,
because each one kind of likes tobe communicated to in a different way.
(05:42):
Um, So that's a big portionof what I teach as well. And
then you know, some of itis overcoming societal norms. I would like
women. We've talked about this.I think women are culturally raised to be
chased rather than be the chaser,and men are raised to be the oscar.
(06:03):
So but it's often isn't that wayin a relationship, or we don't
want to be bound by always havingto ask right, And I mean,
I think that there's one of themost important things in a relationship is the
polarity and kind of that polarity ofmasculine and feminine, and you know,
(06:26):
it's not maculine doesn't always have tobe the guy and feminine doesn't always have
to be a girl, but havehaving that school towards one another is kind
of what keeps things exciting. AndI think one of the biggest things that
I see women struggling with is thatthey don't even know what their desires are,
(06:46):
so they're really not even sure whatto ask for. So that's kind
of one of the biggest things thatwe start to uncover it you know,
what is it that you want sothat you can become clear and then ask
for that. Can you can yougive me an example of like what their
(07:09):
desires would be? Yeah, yeah, so yeah, I think you know,
if you're an energetic blueprint for example, Energetics are turned on by anticipation,
space and tease, and they preferreally light touch. And so if
you've never experienced someone giving you thatspace and maybe coming up really close to
(07:32):
you and not quite touching you yetand playing with breasts and playing with really
light touches, that's something that alot of people don't really experience in sexuality
because it's kind of outside the normof what we see. And so I
think once someone discovers they're an energeticand then they're really like, oh wow,
I love it when someone is justlike not quite touching me, and
(07:55):
then I can ask them to dothat. So I don't know if that
is what you're asking. That's helpful. So it's interesting because like a couple
of times you've talked about these blueprints, and you've just mentioned one of them
is energetic. Can you tell melike a couple of a few of the
other different blueprints. Yeah, solet me tell you all five of them.
(08:16):
So they're side blueprints, and we'rebasically each kind of wired to primarily
fall into one of them. Sothe next one is sensual, which is
turned on by all of their sensesbeing engaged. They're very into the ambiance
and the romance. And then thenext one is sexual, which is turned
on by straightforward sex. They're allabout nudity and orgasms and kind of the
(08:43):
cultural norms. And then the nextone is kinky, which is turned on
by power dynamics and anything that fieldstabooed to them and kind of just pushing
the edges. And then the lastblueprint is a shape shifter, which shapes
are turned on by all of theabove, and they desire a lot of
variety. So part of your workis helping somebody identify what their blueprint is,
(09:13):
yes, exactly, and then howmuch of all of it? I
mean, I'm trying to think howto phrase this, but in a in
a sexless marriage, how much ofthat is due to a mismatch on blueprints?
How important is it for you tobe matched on blueprint to your partner.
(09:35):
So it's very rare for a coupleto be in the same blueprint,
So usually you'll be you're kind ofattracted to an opposite blueprint, and that
is kind of where a lot ofthe disconnect comes in. And so once
you can understand your partner's blueprint,I think it's much easier to have that
eppy for them and then realize,like they they want to be touched in
(09:58):
a different way you want to betouched because a lot of people just kind
of follow out there. You're like, this is what I like, so
you kind of assume that that's whatyou're partner will like as well, and
sometimes it can be very different.So this is making me think about that
book The Five Languages of Love,where you have to learn what language your
(10:18):
partner speaks about love because we don'talways communicate that way. And then if
you can learn that what they whatmeans love to them, you can deepen
your relationship. It sounds very similar. Yes, it is very familar.
I love the Five Love Languages Kill. It's one of my favorites. So
(10:39):
given that the seven sensitivity and embarrassmentshame that some people feel about talking about
sex, and especially with a sexlessmarriage, I think a lot of people
struggle with going to see somebody aboutthat. What do you advise people that
would you? I'm assuming that you'dprefer to work with the couple. What
(11:03):
about Yeah, and somebody who saysshe's never going to come, she's never
going to come to coaching, She'sI've asked her and she's just flat out
refuses. Yeah, So like oneperson in the couple really wants to come,
but the other one doesn't. Yeah, Um, I definitely in my
(11:24):
experience, it only takes one personin the relationships to really start making a
change and to create transformation relationship.So one person notices that they need to
change and they start showing up andkind of taking a stand for that relationship.
The other person it's going to respondlike they're going to have to and
(11:46):
so you know, we can't reallypredict which way it's going to go,
if they're going to get on boardand start changing as well. But usually
you know, when they see theirother partner caring so much about their reationship
and working so hard, and they'llstart noticing the shift that things are getting
better. And that can just bewith one person in coaching the entire time.
(12:09):
So it definitely works for many peoplethat that's interesting. So it's definitely
worth it for one person to go. I was just wondering, if one
party is not willing to work onwork on it with the other party,
do you think that this actually goingthrough coaching then increases the likelihood that relationship
(12:33):
will end because it kind of deepensthe divide. I think it can go
either way. I mean, Ithink if one person is doing it and
kind of they're, like I justsaid, they're showing up, then the
other person kind of gets on board. But then it can it can also
just come to that realization like okay, well on two different paths and maybe
(12:58):
it is time to transition our relationshipsand end things. So I mean,
I think either way it is agood thing because you don't want to take
back stagnated, you know, anyrelationship that isn't working. But yeah,
I think it can kind of goeither way, and it's going to give
you a clear answer and then Iwas thinking, if if I was the
person in the relationship who was goingthrough the coaching and my partner wasn't and
(13:24):
I ended up deciding that I couldn'tstay married, then this coaching really is
an investment in my future anyway.It's not a it's not something the value
of it is not lost just becausethe marriage is ending, exactly. I
mean, this is really all aboutgetting to know yourself better. You know
(13:46):
what your desires are, how youlike to communicate, and then you can
take those skills forward and it intoyour future relationships as well. And Stephy,
what have you found to be themost common reason for marriages to become
sexism? I think usually. Imean one of the things I've kind of
(14:11):
learned through Esther Perell's work is thatyou know, we're we're marrying someone and
we're expecting them to be our completeeverything, and you know, if there's
anything that they can't do for us, and we kind of see or if
there's anything that we can't do forthem, we're like lacking and it's a
(14:33):
lot of pressure. And then wealso want it to be really exciting,
and we want the novelty and wewant the spice, but we also want
to feel safe and comforted. Soit's just two things that are on very
opposite ends of the spectrum, Likeyou can't have safety and comfort and novelty
at the same time. So Ithink that is one of the biggest reasons
(14:58):
is that we're just getting into thisrut of like once you get really really
comfortable with someone, the excitement kindof dies down. Well, I have
more questions about that, but firstwe're going to take a short break.
Okay, perfect you're listening to conversationsabout divorce. This is Mandy Walker and
(15:20):
today I'm talking to Stephanie pappas aStephanie is a sex and relationship coach who
follows the Five Erotic Blueprints methods,and we're talking about rekindling the passion in
a sexless marriage. Stephanie, youhave a free consult that you'd like to
offer our listeners. I do,yeah, So if you go to my
(15:41):
website, which are Coaching by Stephaniedot com, I offer a thirty minute
free consultation and during that consulication,what we do is take a work at
what it is that you really wantout of your web life and kind of
take a look at what's blocking youand holding you back from getting and then
we'll bring through months and ideas ofyou know, how you can actually start
(16:04):
moving towards both desires, and atthe end of the call, you know,
if we think that working together wouldbe a good sit, we can
look at what my coaching program wouldlook like as well. That's a great
consult. Thank you, Stephanie,and just give me your website one more
time. It's Coaching by Stephanie dotcom and Stephanie listeners is Steph A N
(16:30):
I E. And I will putthat in the show description so you have
it. So before the break,you were talking about Esther Perel's work,
and we were talking a little bitabout why marriages become sexless and it's like
we get two settled into a rut, and I was thinking, you know,
some of that is about we getoverwhelmed with just the day to day
(16:52):
logistics of managing work and family andwe kind of push our being off to
the side. Yeah, I meanthat's definitely it as well. And it's
like so many days just start goingby and you don't even realize that you're
not having sex. And like busyschedules definitely play a lot into it as
(17:17):
well, and people always hate itwhen I say this. It's like,
you have to kind of schedule timeto have sex, you know, but
we want it to be spontaneous andwe want it to be you know,
exciting and all of that. Butif you kind of think about the way
that you know, you started inyour relationship, like it was actually planned,
Like you think about you ask someoneout on a date, and then
(17:42):
you get really excited to go onthe date and you get ready, and
then you know, you end uphaving sex after and it's like all very
planned and scheduled. And if youkind of look at it that way,
you can get excited about it andget ready for it and have that really
fun that you had in the beginningof the relationship. Again, so I
love the scheduling time for fact,well, you must have been reading my
(18:06):
mind, because that's exactly the questionI was going to ask you, because
that's so it again seems like it'sa fairly standard response for therapists. You
know, if you don't have timeto have sex, you have to build
it into your schedule, and everybodyresponds with that just seems like it's artificial.
(18:26):
I know, everyone hates it,so During our conversation when we were
prepping for the show, you hadtalked about your recipe for passion being novelty,
mystery, and naughtiness. Yeah.I was wondering if you could talk
(18:48):
a little bit more about that andwhat it is about these three elements that
combine to create passion. Yes,so it's kind of one of the four
years, and coaching is too.It's called an adventure date, so it's
planning a date for your partner sothat you can kind of create this passion
(19:10):
trifecta and get out of that retof you know, the comfort zone and
make things exciting and novel again.So yeah, the three areas are a
mystery, so when you use mystery, you kind of create intrigue and hunger
for more. So the second factoris obstacles, So having a little challengers
(19:33):
to overcome create just more just desireand enticements and then naughtiness so newness and
taboo kind of just help you ignitea spark and get the passion back as
well and playfulness. So just jumpback a little bit when you say obstacles,
Well, can you give me anexample of that old past? Put
(19:56):
this all together? If I wasworking with you as a client, and
you assign me this my homework.What might be a date that I would
plan. One partner is planning theadventured for the other partner, so it's
a complete secret from one of themwhat the date is actually going to be.
(20:17):
So the one person will kind ofplan everything and then give them a
little clue of like to where andwhat to expect, like will they be
eating or not, so they canhave an idea of what to do before
the dates, but other than that, and they'll show up and it's a
complete surprise. And then I dohave a list of questions that they can
kind of go through an answer foreach other so that they'll be able to
(20:41):
plan the date according to their partnerslikes and needs. But it could be
something as simple as going out fora tea party, or it could be
you know, all the way tolike going to a vote and glass together
and learning bondage. So just kindof depending on how extreme they want to
get, right And I think Iheard you say kind of taking into account
(21:04):
their partner's blueprint as well. Yeah, exactly. That sounds like that that
does require an underpinning of trust andvulnerability. M Yeah, I feel like,
you know, sometimes it's a littlebit scary to be on the receiving
end of that and trusting your partnerto plan something that you're really going to
(21:27):
enjoy. I find like usually oneperson really wants to be the planner and
one person really wants to be thereceiver. But it's fun to switch as
well, right and then m Butthe the motivation is there to actually to
plan a date that your partner isgoing to be excited about, because then
(21:49):
there'll be another date exactly, andit just becomes so much fun and then
you can do it for each otherand it really just adds that excitement and
novelty, you know, back intoyour life. Do you coach people on
how to handle situations where they raisea topical they want to try something,
(22:11):
well, they plan this secret dateand this spouse rejects at the effort or
laughs at them or dismisses them.There's definitely like some adventure date sales,
you know. I mean, itcan't always go perfectly, but I think
that just part of working together asa couple, and you have to be
(22:33):
able to laugh for yourselves, youknow, And that's the biggest part I
think is trying to help each otherto have like one of the first things
I teach in my coaching is havingempathy and self responsibility. And so you
know, sometimes you are going tohave some sales, but you just have
to kind of laugh it off andthen move on to the next one.
(22:53):
And that's assuming that your partner isstill willing to go to the next one.
Yeah, hopefully they are on board. So your program is a defined
length, it's it's eight sessions.I think that that's probably appealing because with
(23:15):
our lives today, most people don'tdon't want an ongoing commitment. I think
that's probably something like puts people offgoing to therapy is because they feel like
they're going to be stuck in itforever. Yeah, totally. So it's
eight weeks and then the last weekwhat we do is kind of make a
plan for hot sex for a lifetime. So kind of end on that note
(23:37):
of like what have you learned andhow are you going to integrate it and
how are you going to keep goingfrom here? So what does it take
for somebody to be successful or inyour program? In order for a couple
to be successful in my coaching,the biggest thing is that they have a
commitment towards making a transformation. That'ssomething I really don't want to work with
(24:00):
anyone unless they've show me that theyhave that commitment level. And then we
do homework every week, and Ijust like to see that they're completing all
of the homework, and you know, we talk about like what their successes
were every week and how they're movingforward and how they're growing, and also
what their challenges are. So Ijust think if they're showing up and doing
their homework, then you thought,it's the way they're going to be the
(24:22):
most successful. Do you work withsingle people, like, I'm just thinking
the people who already get going throughdivorce maybe getting ready to date again.
Is your program a good fit forthem? It is. Actually I work
with a lot of single people aswell, so it's definitely for both.
(24:44):
So it's not it's not critical thatthey actually have an internet partner through the
program, No, And it's justa really great way to get to know
yourself and to kind of grow andlearn about you know, what are you
looking for and then kind of taketaking that into what what you want in
your next partner. So I thinkit's really great to do alone as well.
(25:08):
So if I didn't have a partner, then how do you work with
some of the homework, like planningyour adventure date? Is that with an
imaginary partner? So yeah, theadventure date isn't homework that I sign for
everyone, and it's kind of youknow, I kind of tweak it just
according to you know, who I'mworking with and what their needs are.
(25:30):
Um. You know, so forexample, like sometimes the homework will be
if it's a couple, um,and one of them is an energetic blueprint
and one of them is a sexualblueprint, and you know, the energetic
has just felt so overridden and theirneeds have just been kind of not seen.
Um, I'll say, like,don't have sex for the next week,
(25:52):
So that could be their homework.Um. So it just kind of
depends on where they're ask and whatI think would help them, so you
can really tailor it to the individualsituation exactly. That's awesome. So,
Stephanie, we're kind of running upon time here. Do you have one
more tip for our listeners? Yes, So there's actually an erotic blueprint quiz,
(26:15):
so you can take that and findout what your particular blueprints is and
I'll send you the link if youcould just include it in the show.
Yes, a lot of fascinating quiz. I'm sure everybody listening will be would
love to take that, So yes, do send me the link. I'll
include it in the show description andI'll also post it to my bog.
(26:37):
That's great. Thank you so much, Stephanie perfect. Thank you. Yeah,
it's so much fun. Thank youso much for joining us today and
talking about this important topic. Iknow so many people will be interested in
seeing if they can rekindle the passionin their marriage and listeners, my guest
today is Stephanie's papas. Stephanie isa sex and relationship coach who follows the
(26:59):
five Erotic Blueprints methods. She's offeringyou a free consult in. Stephanie,
if you could just one more timetell our listeners how they can get take
advantage of that free consult absolutely so, it's at coaching by Stephanie dot com
and you can sign up for thethirty minute consultations there and once again we'll
(27:21):
just kind of take a book atwhat your deviers are blocking you and then
we can chat about what working togetherwould look like. Thank you, Stephanie,
listeners. I'm a divorce coach,but that doesn't mean that I pushed
my clients to end their marriage.What I want most is for people to
be sure when they do decide todivorce, that then making the best decision
they can with the information and theskills they have. I want them to
(27:45):
understand why the marriage is no longerhealthy. I want them to have worked
on addressing those issues, and workingon the barriers to physical intimacy is every
bit as as important as the otherissues because they are acted and they can't
be separated. If your spouse isn'tinterested, then follow Stephanie's advice. You
(28:07):
could still change your relationship dynamic.And if you can't, then doing this
work means that you're investing in yourfuture. I want to thank you for
listening today. If you hop overto my blog sincem divorce dot com,
you'll find a synopsis of this conversation, and you can follow me Since my
Divorce on Twitter and on Facebook.I hope you'll join us again next time
(28:27):
for more conversations about divorce
Getting a divorce. Even thinking aboutgetting a divorce can be overwhelming, scary,
and sometimes exciting. Join divorce coachand mediator Mandy Walker for conversations about
divorce. The more you know,the easier it will be to make your
divorce healthier, less trustful, andto put it behind you. Here's Mandy.
(00:23):
Welcome to conversations about divorce. I'mMandy Walker, and today we're asking
if you can rekindle the passion ina sexless marriage. Most people find themselves
in a now sexless marriage will tellyou that that's not how their relationships started,
but somehow, at some point,the passion started to fade. Physical
(00:45):
intimacy became tense, distant, infrequent, and with feelings of rejection, abandonment,
not being loved. Talking about itbecomes challenging, if not impossible,
and that obstacle can drive a wedgefurther into the relationship, so that not
only has physical intimacy gone, butalso emotional intimacy. By then, one
(01:08):
or both of you are considering divorce. But for most of the people I've
spoken with, the decision to endthe marriage is the choice of last resort.
They want to be sure that they'vetried everything they can to make the
marriage work before they decide on divorce, and lots of people try marriage counseling,
(01:30):
but is this something else that youcan do to rekindle the passion in
your marriage. My guest today isStephanie Pappas. Stephanie is a sex and
relationship coach who follows the Five EroticBlueprint's method. Welcome Stephanie, Thank you
Mannie of the pleasure here. I'mso glad to have you join us.
(01:52):
I was wondering if you would bewilling to start off by briefly sharing a
little bit about your own story andhow you came to be a sex and
relationship coach. Yeah, definitely.So I kind of started on this journey
after my divorce, which was aboutfive years ago, and just going through
(02:15):
that whole process, which was sodevastating. I really wanted to start working
on myself and I started taking differentclasses and the first one I did was
Mama Gina's School of Womanly Arts,and that led me to finding my mentor,
Jaya, who actually created the FiveErotic Blueprints, and I was just
(02:39):
so impressed with them and it justmade so much sense, Like once I
knew what my blueprint was. Itwas like I just knew myself so much
better and I just had to getinvolved with this work. So I became
a certified Erotic Blueprint coach through herand now I've been practicing for about two
years now. Stephanie, how doesthe coaching that you do differ then from
(03:04):
couples therapy or the work that asex therapist would do. So, I
am a coach, so mostly whatI do is kind of focused on the
present and also what your desires areand what your goals are and kind of
where you want to go in yourrelationships. So I'm not really dealing with
(03:27):
anything like if you have past traumasand things like that, that's something that
definitely are you want to see atherapist. Sports and coaching is also really
great to have someone that is goingto really hold you accountable. So I'm
that person that's going to make surethat you're following through towards getting those goals
accomplished and providing guidance and support andreally just kind of being that cheerleader for
(03:53):
you along the way. So Iwould imagine, I mean, lots of
people are not comfortable to about sex, even with their intimate partner, and
so I was thinking, is preparingfor the show, that this might be
one of the first areas that youhave to work on, definitely, and
(04:15):
you know, it's kind of thefirst thing that we hop into on the
first call together, and so peoplereally do have to open up and kind
of get vulnerable. And it's definitelyvery especially you know, where we are
in our society. It's such likea it's a downplayed part that no one
talks about, and I think peopleare actually just dying to talk about it.
(04:36):
And usually when I'm working with clients, it's like they're just really,
really really excited to open up andlike have someone that they can talk to.
So I've never really had a problemwith people not opening up. It's
kind of the opposite, if thatmakes sense. Okay, well that might
be you know, something to dowith that. You know, the people
who are choosing to come to youare ready to do the work, so
(05:00):
they're not they're not. Maybe thereluctant spouse is being dragged along, it's
right, I think that. SoI was wondering if you know, some
of the work that you do isabout giving people the language to talk about
their needs and their desires. Yes, definitely one of the one of the
(05:20):
topics that we do during myself,I do an eight week kind of coaching
program, and one whole week issurrounding communication and body language and how to
communicate according to kind of what woodprintyou are and what bloodprint your partners,
because each one kind of likes tobe communicated to in a different way.
(05:42):
Um, So that's a big portionof what I teach as well. And
then you know, some of itis overcoming societal norms. I would like
women. We've talked about this.I think women are culturally raised to be
chased rather than be the chaser,and men are raised to be the oscar.
(06:03):
So but it's often isn't that wayin a relationship, or we don't
want to be bound by always havingto ask right, And I mean,
I think that there's one of themost important things in a relationship is the
polarity and kind of that polarity ofmasculine and feminine, and you know,
(06:26):
it's not maculine doesn't always have tobe the guy and feminine doesn't always have
to be a girl, but havehaving that school towards one another is kind
of what keeps things exciting. AndI think one of the biggest things that
I see women struggling with is thatthey don't even know what their desires are,
(06:46):
so they're really not even sure whatto ask for. So that's kind
of one of the biggest things thatwe start to uncover it you know,
what is it that you want sothat you can become clear and then ask
for that. Can you can yougive me an example of like what their
(07:09):
desires would be? Yeah, yeah, so yeah, I think you know,
if you're an energetic blueprint for example, Energetics are turned on by anticipation,
space and tease, and they preferreally light touch. And so if
you've never experienced someone giving you thatspace and maybe coming up really close to
(07:32):
you and not quite touching you yetand playing with breasts and playing with really
light touches, that's something that alot of people don't really experience in sexuality
because it's kind of outside the normof what we see. And so I
think once someone discovers they're an energeticand then they're really like, oh wow,
I love it when someone is justlike not quite touching me, and
(07:55):
then I can ask them to dothat. So I don't know if that
is what you're asking. That's helpful. So it's interesting because like a couple
of times you've talked about these blueprints, and you've just mentioned one of them
is energetic. Can you tell melike a couple of a few of the
other different blueprints. Yeah, solet me tell you all five of them.
(08:16):
So they're side blueprints, and we'rebasically each kind of wired to primarily
fall into one of them. Sothe next one is sensual, which is
turned on by all of their sensesbeing engaged. They're very into the ambiance
and the romance. And then thenext one is sexual, which is turned
on by straightforward sex. They're allabout nudity and orgasms and kind of the
(08:43):
cultural norms. And then the nextone is kinky, which is turned on
by power dynamics and anything that fieldstabooed to them and kind of just pushing
the edges. And then the lastblueprint is a shape shifter, which shapes
are turned on by all of theabove, and they desire a lot of
variety. So part of your workis helping somebody identify what their blueprint is,
(09:13):
yes, exactly, and then howmuch of all of it? I
mean, I'm trying to think howto phrase this, but in a in
a sexless marriage, how much ofthat is due to a mismatch on blueprints?
How important is it for you tobe matched on blueprint to your partner.
(09:35):
So it's very rare for a coupleto be in the same blueprint,
So usually you'll be you're kind ofattracted to an opposite blueprint, and that
is kind of where a lot ofthe disconnect comes in. And so once
you can understand your partner's blueprint,I think it's much easier to have that
eppy for them and then realize,like they they want to be touched in
(09:58):
a different way you want to betouched because a lot of people just kind
of follow out there. You're like, this is what I like, so
you kind of assume that that's whatyou're partner will like as well, and
sometimes it can be very different.So this is making me think about that
book The Five Languages of Love,where you have to learn what language your
(10:18):
partner speaks about love because we don'talways communicate that way. And then if
you can learn that what they whatmeans love to them, you can deepen
your relationship. It sounds very similar. Yes, it is very familar.
I love the Five Love Languages Kill. It's one of my favorites. So
(10:39):
given that the seven sensitivity and embarrassmentshame that some people feel about talking about
sex, and especially with a sexlessmarriage, I think a lot of people
struggle with going to see somebody aboutthat. What do you advise people that
would you? I'm assuming that you'dprefer to work with the couple. What
(11:03):
about Yeah, and somebody who saysshe's never going to come, she's never
going to come to coaching, She'sI've asked her and she's just flat out
refuses. Yeah, So like oneperson in the couple really wants to come,
but the other one doesn't. Yeah, Um, I definitely in my
(11:24):
experience, it only takes one personin the relationships to really start making a
change and to create transformation relationship.So one person notices that they need to
change and they start showing up andkind of taking a stand for that relationship.
The other person it's going to respondlike they're going to have to and
(11:46):
so you know, we can't reallypredict which way it's going to go,
if they're going to get on boardand start changing as well. But usually
you know, when they see theirother partner caring so much about their reationship
and working so hard, and they'llstart noticing the shift that things are getting
better. And that can just bewith one person in coaching the entire time.
(12:09):
So it definitely works for many peoplethat that's interesting. So it's definitely
worth it for one person to go. I was just wondering, if one
party is not willing to work onwork on it with the other party,
do you think that this actually goingthrough coaching then increases the likelihood that relationship
(12:33):
will end because it kind of deepensthe divide. I think it can go
either way. I mean, Ithink if one person is doing it and
kind of they're, like I justsaid, they're showing up, then the
other person kind of gets on board. But then it can it can also
just come to that realization like okay, well on two different paths and maybe
(12:58):
it is time to transition our relationshipsand end things. So I mean,
I think either way it is agood thing because you don't want to take
back stagnated, you know, anyrelationship that isn't working. But yeah,
I think it can kind of goeither way, and it's going to give
you a clear answer and then Iwas thinking, if if I was the
person in the relationship who was goingthrough the coaching and my partner wasn't and
(13:24):
I ended up deciding that I couldn'tstay married, then this coaching really is
an investment in my future anyway.It's not a it's not something the value
of it is not lost just becausethe marriage is ending, exactly. I
mean, this is really all aboutgetting to know yourself better. You know
(13:46):
what your desires are, how youlike to communicate, and then you can
take those skills forward and it intoyour future relationships as well. And Stephy,
what have you found to be themost common reason for marriages to become
sexism? I think usually. Imean one of the things I've kind of
(14:11):
learned through Esther Perell's work is thatyou know, we're we're marrying someone and
we're expecting them to be our completeeverything, and you know, if there's
anything that they can't do for us, and we kind of see or if
there's anything that we can't do forthem, we're like lacking and it's a
(14:33):
lot of pressure. And then wealso want it to be really exciting,
and we want the novelty and wewant the spice, but we also want
to feel safe and comforted. Soit's just two things that are on very
opposite ends of the spectrum, Likeyou can't have safety and comfort and novelty
at the same time. So Ithink that is one of the biggest reasons
(14:58):
is that we're just getting into thisrut of like once you get really really
comfortable with someone, the excitement kindof dies down. Well, I have
more questions about that, but firstwe're going to take a short break.
Okay, perfect you're listening to conversationsabout divorce. This is Mandy Walker and
(15:20):
today I'm talking to Stephanie pappas aStephanie is a sex and relationship coach who
follows the Five Erotic Blueprints methods,and we're talking about rekindling the passion in
a sexless marriage. Stephanie, youhave a free consult that you'd like to
offer our listeners. I do,yeah, So if you go to my
(15:41):
website, which are Coaching by Stephaniedot com, I offer a thirty minute
free consultation and during that consulication,what we do is take a work at
what it is that you really wantout of your web life and kind of
take a look at what's blocking youand holding you back from getting and then
we'll bring through months and ideas ofyou know, how you can actually start
(16:04):
moving towards both desires, and atthe end of the call, you know,
if we think that working together wouldbe a good sit, we can
look at what my coaching program wouldlook like as well. That's a great
consult. Thank you, Stephanie,and just give me your website one more
time. It's Coaching by Stephanie dotcom and Stephanie listeners is Steph A N
(16:30):
I E. And I will putthat in the show description so you have
it. So before the break,you were talking about Esther Perel's work,
and we were talking a little bitabout why marriages become sexless and it's like
we get two settled into a rut, and I was thinking, you know,
some of that is about we getoverwhelmed with just the day to day
(16:52):
logistics of managing work and family andwe kind of push our being off to
the side. Yeah, I meanthat's definitely it as well. And it's
like so many days just start goingby and you don't even realize that you're
not having sex. And like busyschedules definitely play a lot into it as
(17:17):
well, and people always hate itwhen I say this. It's like,
you have to kind of schedule timeto have sex, you know, but
we want it to be spontaneous andwe want it to be you know,
exciting and all of that. Butif you kind of think about the way
that you know, you started inyour relationship, like it was actually planned,
Like you think about you ask someoneout on a date, and then
(17:42):
you get really excited to go onthe date and you get ready, and
then you know, you end uphaving sex after and it's like all very
planned and scheduled. And if youkind of look at it that way,
you can get excited about it andget ready for it and have that really
fun that you had in the beginningof the relationship. Again, so I
love the scheduling time for fact,well, you must have been reading my
(18:06):
mind, because that's exactly the questionI was going to ask you, because
that's so it again seems like it'sa fairly standard response for therapists. You
know, if you don't have timeto have sex, you have to build
it into your schedule, and everybodyresponds with that just seems like it's artificial.
(18:26):
I know, everyone hates it,so During our conversation when we were
prepping for the show, you hadtalked about your recipe for passion being novelty,
mystery, and naughtiness. Yeah.I was wondering if you could talk
(18:48):
a little bit more about that andwhat it is about these three elements that
combine to create passion. Yes,so it's kind of one of the four
years, and coaching is too.It's called an adventure date, so it's
planning a date for your partner sothat you can kind of create this passion
(19:10):
trifecta and get out of that retof you know, the comfort zone and
make things exciting and novel again.So yeah, the three areas are a
mystery, so when you use mystery, you kind of create intrigue and hunger
for more. So the second factoris obstacles, So having a little challengers
(19:33):
to overcome create just more just desireand enticements and then naughtiness so newness and
taboo kind of just help you ignitea spark and get the passion back as
well and playfulness. So just jumpback a little bit when you say obstacles,
Well, can you give me anexample of that old past? Put
(19:56):
this all together? If I wasworking with you as a client, and
you assign me this my homework.What might be a date that I would
plan. One partner is planning theadventured for the other partner, so it's
a complete secret from one of themwhat the date is actually going to be.
(20:17):
So the one person will kind ofplan everything and then give them a
little clue of like to where andwhat to expect, like will they be
eating or not, so they canhave an idea of what to do before
the dates, but other than that, and they'll show up and it's a
complete surprise. And then I dohave a list of questions that they can
kind of go through an answer foreach other so that they'll be able to
(20:41):
plan the date according to their partnerslikes and needs. But it could be
something as simple as going out fora tea party, or it could be
you know, all the way tolike going to a vote and glass together
and learning bondage. So just kindof depending on how extreme they want to
get, right And I think Iheard you say kind of taking into account
(21:04):
their partner's blueprint as well. Yeah, exactly. That sounds like that that
does require an underpinning of trust andvulnerability. M Yeah, I feel like,
you know, sometimes it's a littlebit scary to be on the receiving
end of that and trusting your partnerto plan something that you're really going to
(21:27):
enjoy. I find like usually oneperson really wants to be the planner and
one person really wants to be thereceiver. But it's fun to switch as
well, right and then m Butthe the motivation is there to actually to
plan a date that your partner isgoing to be excited about, because then
(21:49):
there'll be another date exactly, andit just becomes so much fun and then
you can do it for each otherand it really just adds that excitement and
novelty, you know, back intoyour life. Do you coach people on
how to handle situations where they raisea topical they want to try something,
(22:11):
well, they plan this secret dateand this spouse rejects at the effort or
laughs at them or dismisses them.There's definitely like some adventure date sales,
you know. I mean, itcan't always go perfectly, but I think
that just part of working together asa couple, and you have to be
(22:33):
able to laugh for yourselves, youknow, And that's the biggest part I
think is trying to help each otherto have like one of the first things
I teach in my coaching is havingempathy and self responsibility. And so you
know, sometimes you are going tohave some sales, but you just have
to kind of laugh it off andthen move on to the next one.
(22:53):
And that's assuming that your partner isstill willing to go to the next one.
Yeah, hopefully they are on board. So your program is a defined
length, it's it's eight sessions.I think that that's probably appealing because with
(23:15):
our lives today, most people don'tdon't want an ongoing commitment. I think
that's probably something like puts people offgoing to therapy is because they feel like
they're going to be stuck in itforever. Yeah, totally. So it's
eight weeks and then the last weekwhat we do is kind of make a
plan for hot sex for a lifetime. So kind of end on that note
(23:37):
of like what have you learned andhow are you going to integrate it and
how are you going to keep goingfrom here? So what does it take
for somebody to be successful or inyour program? In order for a couple
to be successful in my coaching,the biggest thing is that they have a
commitment towards making a transformation. That'ssomething I really don't want to work with
(24:00):
anyone unless they've show me that theyhave that commitment level. And then we
do homework every week, and Ijust like to see that they're completing all
of the homework, and you know, we talk about like what their successes
were every week and how they're movingforward and how they're growing, and also
what their challenges are. So Ijust think if they're showing up and doing
their homework, then you thought,it's the way they're going to be the
(24:22):
most successful. Do you work withsingle people, like, I'm just thinking
the people who already get going throughdivorce maybe getting ready to date again.
Is your program a good fit forthem? It is. Actually I work
with a lot of single people aswell, so it's definitely for both.
(24:44):
So it's not it's not critical thatthey actually have an internet partner through the
program, No, And it's justa really great way to get to know
yourself and to kind of grow andlearn about you know, what are you
looking for and then kind of taketaking that into what what you want in
your next partner. So I thinkit's really great to do alone as well.
(25:08):
So if I didn't have a partner, then how do you work with
some of the homework, like planningyour adventure date? Is that with an
imaginary partner? So yeah, theadventure date isn't homework that I sign for
everyone, and it's kind of youknow, I kind of tweak it just
according to you know, who I'mworking with and what their needs are.
(25:30):
Um. You know, so forexample, like sometimes the homework will be
if it's a couple, um,and one of them is an energetic blueprint
and one of them is a sexualblueprint, and you know, the energetic
has just felt so overridden and theirneeds have just been kind of not seen.
Um, I'll say, like,don't have sex for the next week,
(25:52):
So that could be their homework.Um. So it just kind of
depends on where they're ask and whatI think would help them, so you
can really tailor it to the individualsituation exactly. That's awesome. So,
Stephanie, we're kind of running upon time here. Do you have one
more tip for our listeners? Yes, So there's actually an erotic blueprint quiz,
(26:15):
so you can take that and findout what your particular blueprints is and
I'll send you the link if youcould just include it in the show.
Yes, a lot of fascinating quiz. I'm sure everybody listening will be would
love to take that, So yes, do send me the link. I'll
include it in the show description andI'll also post it to my bog.
(26:37):
That's great. Thank you so much, Stephanie perfect. Thank you. Yeah,
it's so much fun. Thank youso much for joining us today and
talking about this important topic. Iknow so many people will be interested in
seeing if they can rekindle the passionin their marriage and listeners, my guest
today is Stephanie's papas. Stephanie isa sex and relationship coach who follows the
(26:59):
five Erotic Blueprints methods. She's offeringyou a free consult in. Stephanie,
if you could just one more timetell our listeners how they can get take
advantage of that free consult absolutely so, it's at coaching by Stephanie dot com
and you can sign up for thethirty minute consultations there and once again we'll
(27:21):
just kind of take a book atwhat your deviers are blocking you and then
we can chat about what working togetherwould look like. Thank you, Stephanie,
listeners. I'm a divorce coach,but that doesn't mean that I pushed
my clients to end their marriage.What I want most is for people to
be sure when they do decide todivorce, that then making the best decision
they can with the information and theskills they have. I want them to
(27:45):
understand why the marriage is no longerhealthy. I want them to have worked
on addressing those issues, and workingon the barriers to physical intimacy is every
bit as as important as the otherissues because they are acted and they can't
be separated. If your spouse isn'tinterested, then follow Stephanie's advice. You
(28:07):
could still change your relationship dynamic.And if you can't, then doing this
work means that you're investing in yourfuture. I want to thank you for
listening today. If you hop overto my blog sincem divorce dot com,
you'll find a synopsis of this conversation, and you can follow me Since my
Divorce on Twitter and on Facebook.I hope you'll join us again next time
(28:27):
for more conversations about divorce
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