Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello, everyone, and thank you so much for talking for
you and Spark for Doctor Antila.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
I'm your host, Doctor Antela Bustchester.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
You guys know who I am and you know what
I like to do on my show. I want to enlighten,
inspire and empower you to be your best self. Now,
scripture reminds us that the tongue is a small thing
that makes grand speeches, but a tiny spark can set
a great forest on a fire. And that's what we
(00:30):
want to do today. We want to get you fired
up about the topic today. We are talking about the
conversation that you are avoiding. That's right, the conversation that
you are avoiding. So you know we're gonna take you
to do. Go get comfy, get cozy, get your coffee
(00:54):
or get your tea because we are about to get started.
Hello everyone, and thank you so much for joining me
on Daily's Spark with Doctor Angela. I'm really excited about
today because I think this is a conversation that's going
to be a little different.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
An episode that we haven't.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Necessarily done previously, so I'm excited to bring it to you.
We're talking communication today. We're talking about emotional intelligence, but
We're also going to hit on faith led clarity, so
let's get started again. Welcome back to Daily Spark with
(01:39):
Doctor Angela, where I'd like to think of it as
having coffee or tea with a friend while bringing faith
and inspiration to your everyday conversations. Today we are diving
into one of the hardest things to do for many,
and that is having the conversations you've been avoiding. Whether
(02:05):
it's a tough family talk, or maybe it's a long
overdue apology. Perhaps it's a business boundary that you need
to reinforce. We've all had moments where silence feels safe,
but faith calls us to truth, and truth requires voice,
(02:31):
Scripture tells us in Proverbs twenty seven six. Faithful are
the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an
enemy are deceitful. Sometimes what we fear will break something
might actually be the thing that heals it. In today's show,
(02:52):
we're breaking down the why, the when, and the how
of facing hard conversations can happen head on. So my
first question to you is why are you hesitating? I
know it can feel quite redundant to ask yourself this,
(03:16):
because deep down inside you're thinking I'm hesitating because I
don't want to have this conversation. Why don't you want
to have this conversation because I'm hesitating. I know so
many of my clients have presented the same way. They
don't want to talk about it, but they know that
they need to talk about it, but they still don't
(03:38):
want to. Let's take a backstep, if we will, and
look at those reasons again. Why you may not want
to have these conversations again, it's because silence sometimes feels safe.
If we don't talk about it, then it's not real. Well,
(03:59):
we all know what they say about the nile. It's
more than just a river, right, So let's not go
down that path. If faith calls us to be truthful,
if faith calls us to be wise, if faith requires
that we give voice to those things that are proper
(04:22):
and true, then that means that we must give voice
to what's also affecting us and who we affect as well.
So if we look at some of the reasons again,
is it a tough family talk? Now, this one might
(04:43):
be a little difficult. Why because so many times when
we're dealing with others, they too have a don't talk.
It's fine approach, But truth be told, that never really works,
now does it. Now time can be your best friend,
(05:05):
and that perhaps it takes a little bit of the
sting out of the conversation, but the conversation still needs
to be had. For some, not talking about it makes
it worse because it's given them time to fester and
the pain, the hurt that they're experiencing a long overdue apology.
(05:30):
Are you the one that needs to apologize or are
you the one who needs to forgive someone who perhaps
will never apologize. If you are the first, you need
to apologize, today is just as good a day as any.
(05:51):
For far too long, we think that if we again
don't talk about it, then perhaps time will heal all wounds.
Not attending to a wound that needs attention is only
going to allow infection to come. It's only going to
make the situation worse than if you had dealt with it. Sure,
(06:16):
no one wants to clean out a nasty wound. That's
really tough work. That's why we leave it to the professionals.
But at the same time, you have to go in
there and get all that debris out. You have to
go in and look around and make sure that there's
nothing else that you need to attend to before you
(06:38):
bring closure, not only to the wound, but to your
emotional state. You have to make sure that you have
done everything that you possibly can before you say it
is done and place the bandage on it.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Now.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Time does allow for a properly attended to wound to
heal properly, So let's make sure that we are doing
it properly now. If you are in the position where
perhaps you need to forgive someone who will quite honestly
(07:19):
never apologize, then remember you're doing this for your sake.
Because they are resting easy at night while you tossed
and turn while you are having headaches and migraines, while
you can either barely eat or you're overeating because of
how you're feeling about the situation. They are at home, relaxing,
(07:44):
feed crossed, remote in hand, selecting something to watch, not
caring anymore. So remember, forgiving someone doesn't excuse their behaviors.
It gives you permission to move on healthy with your life.
It allows you to go from stuck to unstuck, from
(08:08):
feeling grief and being grieved about a situation, to finding
your balance once again, to having yourself centered where you
should be, or perhaps it's a business boundary that you
need to reinforce. Far too often we have friends or
(08:29):
associates that want to use and abuse the friend discount.
Let's make sure that everyone is reminded that you are
in the business of making money, of doing a particular
task for a fee, and everyone can't always get in
(08:50):
for free. Sure, you can comp a meal or an
event every now and again, but true friends, let me
remind you of something. If your friend has a business,
you should be supporting that business with your monetary things
the same way that you support a stranger or a
(09:13):
big box. You should also have that same type of
loyalty to your friends if they provide a product or
service that actually brings you some type of relief, joy, happiness, success. Right,
it doesn't matter what it is if you can use
it and they produce it, sell it, then utilize their services.
(09:38):
So with that being said, again, if there is a
boundary that you need to create and or reinforce, don't
feel bad because you have to do it. The time
is now. So again I ask you, why are you hesitating?
(09:58):
Why do you avoid these conversa sas Sure it could
be fear of confrontation. But not wanting to hurt someone's
feelings isn't the same as not being able to have
the conversation.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
So are you.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
Worried that things will change afterwards? Perhaps again assessing and
asking yourself the question of why am I hesitating will
give you the answers that you need. But here's the truth.
Not speaking up doesn't prevent the pain, It just delays it.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
When we avoid.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Speaking at our truth or addressing difficult topics, we allow confusion, resentment,
or for anxiety to take hold, and who wants to
do that. It can be hard to speak up on
certain topics, but a conversation still needs to be had.
(11:04):
You don't want to allow confusion and anxiety to take root,
because then that person is creating scenarios that didn't exist.
Then they won't exist in the future, but because they
don't know, they're creating these doomsday events. The other is resentment.
(11:26):
You never want someone that could be a friend and
ally a loved one to resent you for something simply
because you did not take the time to have the
conversation with them, which equals I care about you, I
care about our relationship. Far too often when we are
(11:52):
talking about communication and how one communicates with another. You'll
hear one person say, but they don't listen to me,
they don't hear me. You perhaps may hear someone say,
I never really feel like they're in the conversation with me.
I feel like I'm just talking to myself. I'm just
(12:14):
speaking out loud. When we have conversations, it is so
important that there is a conversation, that there is the
back and forth, the exchange of information. So we when
we understand that we weren't designed to carry conflicts silently,
(12:39):
then we understand a very important part of the narrative
of our human life. You were designed for community, for
communication and clarity, and that clarity often begins with a
spirit led common conversation. Alrighty, everyone, it is time for
(13:03):
us to take a very short break. But when we do,
don't worry. We will continue this conversation. We'll be back
right after this. And we are back, and thank you
so much for joining me for Daily Spark with Doctric Angela.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
I'm your host, doctor Antela. Let's jump back into session.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
You know, when we have to have those tough conversations,
sometimes the conversation is strictly with ourselves like, we really
need to sit down with ourself and say, what are
you doing, where are you going with this, what is
the purpose of this, what's behind all of this feeling
(13:52):
the emotion? Flat out? Explain it to me again. Let's
map it out to the white board, right, Like you
need to have a conversation with yourself so many times,
because if you don't have the conversation with yourself, how
do you have the conversation with someone else? Because first
(14:15):
you need to understand what what are you talking about?
What has harmed you, what has made you feel something
less than positive? If you cannot articulate that to yourself,
then it's going to be even harder when you are
talking to someone else who may not necessarily agree with
(14:38):
your point of view. So if their perspective is different,
they might not even remember the incident in which you speak,
So you have to be able to not only share
with them what you're talking about, like the incident that happened,
but how it made you feel and why those emotions
(15:00):
ends are important to you. In this conversation, you made
me cry and I don't like to cry because you
made me laugh and that wasn't a laughing situation because
you see where I'm going with that. So in having
the conversation first with self, it enables you to prepare
(15:20):
to have a conversation with someone else even better. So
let's look at how to say the hard things.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Now.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
You don't have to say it all at once, but
you do have to start. I want you to think
of it as if life is like an onion, an artichoke.
Even there's layers to it, and in one conversation you
may not get to the heart of that artichoke, and
(15:55):
that's okay, but you do need to start peeling back layers. Nonetheless,
if the conversation that you need to have with someone
is that deep, that type of conversation where it's an
arto choke, then you need to say that as well.
You know, I really need to talk to you about
(16:17):
what happened. Be it that it was something said, something
that was done, you know what happened, give it a name,
and in that say, you know, a lot happened that day,
and I don't want to talk about it all now,
but I do want to address this particular part and
(16:39):
maybe one day we can address the rest of it.
Now that person might say absolutely not, We're going to
talk about it all now, and we're going to get
to the bottom of it, okay. But at the same time,
they may appreciate the fact that you're not coming and
kind of dumping too much at once, because then and
(17:00):
they could feel drowned in all that you're sharing with them.
But if you give them enough to allow them to
keep their head above the water and they don't feel
attacked or drowned in the information, then you may be
able to have even more successful subsequent conversations. And that
(17:22):
is really important. So as you navigate this particular part
of the conversation, there are a few things that you
should keep in mind. You should number one, pray first,
ask Holy Spirit to guide your words and to calm
your emotions. So many times we allow emotion to take
(17:47):
over and the conversation just goes south. And that wasn't
the and tip you got a little fired up, you
got a little rowdy, and then the other person stopped
because you weren't able to say it in a non
confrontational way, or you weren't able to say it without
(18:07):
that accusatory tone, you know, so on and so forth.
So in that before you even gather in the room together,
take some time to pray. And it's not about having
the hands of the other person saying we're going to
pray and take this before the Lord. Before you open
(18:28):
your mouth, because remember you are human too, So before
you open your mouth to say what it is that
you need to say, Pause in your bedroom and have
a prayer. Pause before you drive your car over there
to pray. Pause before you go into the house or
(18:50):
to have lunch with them, or wherever you're meeting them.
Pause before you get out of your car in the
parking lot or in the parking garage.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Pause when you sit.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
Down to have the meal, and you have arrived first
before they did. Great time to know I'm gonna say what,
Pause and pray. Any moment that you are alone, before
you are having the conversation with them is a great
time to pause and pray. Let's say you forgot to
(19:24):
do all of that. You're at the restaurant. You say
I'm here to meet so and so, the hostess says, yes,
your party is here and leads you to the table,
and you forgot to pray.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
Now is a.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
Great time for a walking meditation, in your case, a
walking prayer. Dear Lord, got us, keep us make emotions
that I get flared. Maybe have the ears to hear,
the eyes to see, and keep hearts open and soft.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Amen.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
And now you're ready to have the conversation, so focus
on that. After you said your prayer number two, use
I statements instead of accusations.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
You know, I.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Felt this way when this particular thing happened, and I
wanted to explain to you how I think I could
have handled that differently or better. I want to apologize
because I realized that I did X, Y and Z,
(20:28):
and I want to take accountability for them as opposed
to I want to talk to you about that thing
that you did to me.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
You know what you did.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
You know when y'all were doing X, Y and Z
and you forgot to include me or you didn't talk
to me first, and you made me feel like blah
blah blah, and you didn't care because if the tables
were turned and someone was putting words into your mouth,
you wouldn't like that either. So, because you can't speak
(21:01):
for the other person, speak for yourself, and in that
you're already laying the groundwork to have a conversation as
opposed to having an accusation session. You can just feel
the pointed finger right, and you don't want to do that.
(21:21):
Number three, Stick to the facts, not just your feelings.
Stick to the facts, not just your feelings. And it
isn't that your feelings aren't important, because they are. But
the fact of the matter is the sky was blue
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or the sky was gray because it.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Was about the storm or snow.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
The grass was green or the grass was brown because
it was in stages of dying. Do you see what
I'm saying? Like, what are the facts? You both walked
over or you both drove there. Those are the facts
if you know them to be true. If you don't
know a fact to be true, then don't state it
(22:08):
as fact. As well, you can preface it by saying
I believe we both drove over, or at least I did,
if you're trying to bring a story all together, but
there you go. You're interjecting and it may not be
(22:28):
the truth. So what is the best thing to do?
Stick to the facts, not just your feelings. Number four,
be willing to listen as much as you speak. Now,
let me tell you this one is the doozy. When
people come for counseling. This is the another part that
(22:51):
you hear a lot about is the other person just
wants to drone on and on and on. They don't
want to give me a chance to talk. They don't
let me say anything, and I just have to listen.
And then when I say that's not true or I
didn't do that, or that's not what I meant, then
(23:13):
it gets accusatory again. It is what you meant, it
is what you said, and it just spirals out of
control from there. So be willing to listen as much
as you speak. You know, it can be hard, especially
if you feel that you are being attacked. So if
(23:35):
we can bring the tone down, if we can bring
the emotions down and just have a conversation, then you'll
be able to get further along in that conversation. You'll
be able to get to the heart of that articuke
a lot quicker, a lot safer.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
And with more understanding.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
So remember it's not about being right, but you do
need to be real. You can be honest without being harsh,
Yes you can. Now a lot of people say, well,
I'm just keeping it real.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Real doesn't have to hurt, it doesn't have to be
intentionally malicious. You don't have to use the harshest words
in your vocabulary to make your points. You can choose
other words. Now, sure, sometimes tough love is appropriate, but
(24:42):
if the person that you're speaking to isn't that type
of personality, then your harsh words are going to cause
more harm than good. So take into consideration the person
with whom you are having the conversation. Be kind, be gentle,
especially with those who are kind and gentle, even if
(25:07):
they hurt your feelings. I'm pretty sure if they are
that kind and gentle person like you say, their intention
was something totally different. So get to the bottom of
it in a way that is mutually understanding and find
out what happened. Now, we know that from the wonderful
(25:30):
commercials that come on TV that sometimes people say things
and they are hungry, hungry, angry, right, They're angry because
they're hungry, and it's like, oh, my goodness, I did that.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
I did not mean to lash out at you.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
I was just so hungry that day, and it's like.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
Hmm ah, I didn't know.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
And now that you've brought it to their attention, the
apology is quick because they didn't realize that they had
done something to make you feel less than pleasant. So
before you just you know, come and full assault gear,
have a conversation first, and perhaps you'll be able to
(26:11):
have a more gentler conversation. Scripture anchors us in this
in this way in James one nineteen, everyone should be
quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.
I know you didn't know that was a scripture, did you.
(26:32):
I know we don't get that one tossed around as
much doing nope, because it's something that can be difficult
for humans to do. So today, let this be your
sign to call that friend, to clarify that situation, or
(26:52):
to speak up at the next meeting.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
You're not alone.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
God is with you in the conversation because you did
what you paused before to pray. If you've been if
you've been waiting for the right time, I want to
say that this is it. This is the sign that
you were looking for. So thank you so much for
(27:18):
joining me here today. I hope that I have once
again enlightened, inspired, and empowered you. Now, if today's message
has stirred something in you, remember to share it with
a friend, or better yet, you can even start the
conversation that you've been avoiding. So with that being said,
(27:40):
may the Lord continue to shine his face upon you.
May you receive his grace and his mercy in all
that you do. Until next time, everyone remember that you
you are blessed in the Lord.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
Everybody,