August 28, 2025 • 28 mins
Perfection is not the goal; wholeness is. In this empowering Topic Talk, Dr. Angela Chester sits down with Heather Sells, Author and Child Trauma Advocate, to discuss Mental Health: Whole, Not Perfect. Together, they explore the pressures many face to appear “fine” after experiencing hardship or trauma, and why healing means embracing authenticity rather than striving for an impossible standard.
Heather shares insights on breaking free from the myth of perfection, while Dr. Angela offers faith-fueled wisdom for walking in strength, resilience, and self-acceptance. This conversation is for anyone navigating recovery, rebuilding confidence, or learning to honor their whole story.
Heather shares insights on breaking free from the myth of perfection, while Dr. Angela offers faith-fueled wisdom for walking in strength, resilience, and self-acceptance. This conversation is for anyone navigating recovery, rebuilding confidence, or learning to honor their whole story.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hello, Hello, Hello, thank you so much for joining me
here today. Hello Heather, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Hi, how are you?
I am so well. Thank you so much for spending
some time with me here today. I cannot wait to
talk about our topic today with you.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Now.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
You have been a guest on my shows before, so
I can't wait to pick your brain about our topic.
But just in case we have some one who's joining
us for the first time, or they're listening in and
they're unfamiliar with you, I want to give you an
opportunity to introduce yourself to those for those folks, So
first question, tell us a little bit about yourself. What
(00:48):
makes you you.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
Well. I'm Heather, I'm from Kansas. I'm a lifelong trauma survivor,
and I just decided that it was time for me
to start helping other trauma survivors, make sure that they
are safe and well accounted for, and just try to
help with their mental health because trauma is it's just
(01:12):
a rampant in this country now, and so I've just
made it my life's mission to make sure that anybody
I come across that has trauma, that I treat them
with the kindness and love.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
That they deserve, so absolutely, absolutely, and being a child
trauma advocate is so important because in my mind, anyone.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Who is helping the little ones heal, even if you're
an adult, helping that that inner child, and you get
to a place where you understand what's going on in
the world and that it's it's okay if you're still
dealing with that as as an adult. So many times
(01:56):
I think that adults think that they that they have
to be okay simply because they've gotten older where they're
still wounded and hurt and it's okay to talk that out.
That's why I'm so happy that you're here today. As
we mentioned, the title is mental health whole not perfect,
(02:17):
and so many times we're looking for that perfection and
we're human, so we're not gonna be perfect. So let's
try to be the best that we can be. So
I love that.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
Love that.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
Now.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
My first question to you is and picking along that
same vein a hole not perfect? What does being a
whole actually look like in real life? Like for people
who are trying to figure out have they met that
expectation yet? Have they have they achieved that goal? That
(02:52):
means something different for everyone. What does living whole mean
for you?
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Okay, first off, let me just say that I don't
like that term being whole simply because I don't feel
like you can be whole. You spend all of your
life giving pieces of yourself to other people and other things.
Once you give those pieces the way, they can never
be regained. You may regain some of the things that
(03:22):
you've lost during those times, but you're never gonna get
it all back, So it's virtually impossible to be whole.
So I just look at it as being living a
fulfilled life knowing that I have fulfilled my dreams of
being kind to anyone who needed me to be kind
to them, showing the love and compassion that they needed,
(03:46):
and just being a good person all the way around.
So I don't personally don't think that you can be whole,
and I think that there's so much pressure for people
to be whole that that's where the perfectionism kind of
comes in, because you feel like you have to be
perfect to be whole, and you're constantly searching for that
(04:10):
wholeness that you're never going to find again. Yeah, So
that's how I live My life is just living a
fulfilled life, not trying to live a whole life.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Yeah, you're you're really onto something there, and I'm sure
there are other people who are nodding their heads as
as well. That's how I feel about the whole work
life balance thing, that the balance isn't always the right word.
That I try to live in work life harmony, that
how can we you know, because some things need to
(04:42):
be up, some things need to be turned down, some
things are going to be first, and then they're going
to fade to the BacT that we just have to
keep keep it in harmony as opposed to thinking of
it only being a balance, because all things are not
always equally across, So you're you're definitely onto something there.
Along that same vein, let me add when it comes
to our professional walk, be that we are talking about leadership,
(05:07):
or we're caregivers, or we're simply in the position of
always being the decision makers for our groups or our family,
what are some ways that we can make sure that
we are living the best that we can under Along
(05:27):
that same thing.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
Well, I think it's always good to have a support
system to not necessarily vent to, but to talk with
and to share ideas with and to get different perspectives,
because when you bring other people in and you get
their perspectives, you find that there are things that you've
overlooked that can drastically help a situation. So I think
(05:54):
that just letting people in and not trying to do
things all on your own, I think that's where we
fall into. That trap, is trying that perfectionism, trying to
do it all on your own, trying to be everything
that people need you to be, and you can't always
do that, and so you beat yourself up because you
can't always do that, And instead just bring people in
(06:18):
and talk talk to them about what you're dealing with,
the issues that you're dealing with, and just get some
different perspectives. Doesn't mean that you have to take their advice,
doesn't mean that you have to you know, agree with
what they say, but at least you can get some
sort of, you know, extra help with it.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Yeah. I like that. You know, it's being wise enough
to know that there is wisdom in seeking another perspective
or someone else's counsel and just making sure that you
are doing the thing that is that is best and
not always just depending on yourself, but knowing that sister, mom,
(07:01):
best friend, even a coworker from time to time that
you could trust, depending on what the subject matter is,
may have a little bit more knowledge than you do
about a certain topic and they're able to assis That
is definitely why is counseled there now along that line,
and I love that you said that, you know that
it takes and I hate to say it because it's
almost becoming so cliches that it takes a village right
(07:24):
to do all of the things that we try to
do in our lives. That word perfectionism. I find that
more women suffer, literally are suffering trying to be perfect
in their day to day to live up to a
particular standard. So perfectionism also masquerades I feel humbly in
(07:49):
the word excellence. Right, you can try to be excellent
in all that you do, but it should not become
such a heavy burden that you're not able to operate
or function out of fear of missing the mark. With
that being said, with those that you help coach and
(08:10):
counsel through, how can someone help encourage another one when
they've crossed that line of the healthy understanding of operating
in excellence to that debilitating pressure of perfectionism.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
Well, I've been in that debilitating perfectionism. I am a
perfectionist all the way around. I do think that trauma
plays a big role in perfectionism because I think that
it takes away so much of your self esteem and
so much of your self worth that you feel like
you have to try a thousand times harder to be
(08:53):
this person that everybody wants you and expects you to be,
and then you've got the social has become the social
norms of perfection. There's beauty, there's personality, there's talent. You know,
you see it every day, and so I think you
just have to realize that it's okay to just be
(09:15):
who you are, that you are enough as you are.
And that's something for a lot of people that is
very hard to digest because they've heard negative things for
so long, they've experienced negative things for so long. So
(09:36):
you just have to, you know, you just have to
realize that trauma and all those outside things they're not
the core of who you are. They don't make you
who you are, and it's okay to just be to
(09:57):
just be yeah, you know.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Yeah, And you touched on a really hot topic there
that I think more and more people are starting to
have conversations about and that is the fashion and beauty
aspect of you know, how makeup or no makeup, how
do you have your hair or what colors are you choosing?
And how do you, you know, put clothing on your body?
(10:23):
All of those things I think are starting to get
more attention thanks to social media. People are talking about
let's make sure that our teen girls know that it's
okay to just be themselves, right that if you're thirteen,
it's okay to look like you're thirteen, If you're seventeen,
(10:43):
it's okay to be seventeen. That we have we have
the rest of our lives to be an adult, so
enjoy that stage and to not have so much pressure
on ourselves to look like something that we we aren't.
And I find that the variety that God gives to
(11:05):
us naturally right, Not trying to turn us into a
religious conversation, but we have so much diversity already, We
have so much to look at already. We shouldn't all
try to look or be the same anyway, you know,
the same way we have different flowers and fruits and
all of that. We as individuals, we can have that commonality, right,
(11:29):
The love and the faith and the hope. But at
the same time, we can all be individually ourselves and
let that be okay. So I love that you mentioned that.
Now for some people the theme that they are dealing with,
and I love how you are able to remind people
that so many times what someone is going through is
(11:51):
because of the trauma that they have experienced. And I
have this conversation when it comes to procrastination. So many
times people will think that procrastination is just laziness, and
my counselor hat slips on sometimes and I remind people
sometimes procrastination is a trauma response. So before you call
(12:13):
someone lazy, make sure that you understand the reasoning behind
why they're taking their time. So I do want to
ask about resting or learning how to pause. So many
people are feeling guilty because they need to pause. I
(12:35):
don't mean quit, but just take a break, take a beat.
Back from that all the way down to I need
to take a power nap right like I need ten
or fifteen minutes and I can wrap back around it.
How do you help people understand that just because you're
doing something, it doesn't mean that you are doing it
(12:57):
at the best capacity. That sometimes a pause is needed.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Well, you know, doctors will tell you that it's better
to eat like six small meals a day than three
big ones, And it's kind of that way when you're
talking about resting. So start out with six or even
three ten to fifteen minute breaks where you just sit
(13:25):
and just decompress, kind of let your thoughts wonder, let
all those thoughts out, and then pick back up what
you were doing. And then when it starts to get
stressful and overwhelming and you feel like you're getting burned
out again, take another break and this time, you know,
maybe eat something small to keep you, you know, sustained.
(13:49):
It's about finding a balance. But you've got to take
those little breaks. And that doesn't mean that you're not
doing anything. It just means that you're recharging, and that
is doing something. You're recharging your body and your mind
to complete the task at hand it in the best
possible way that you can and that's never a bad thing, never,
(14:12):
So don't look at it as oh, I'm being lazy
or I'm not doing anything. Just look at it as
I need this moment to recharge so I can be
the best version of me that I can be And
so I can get this done the way I want
it done, especially for people who are perfectionists, because when
they get tired and they get burnt out, it's very
(14:32):
hard to continue on with the perfectionism and then that
gets very stressful and it just causes the whole host
of problems. So just take that, take those breaks, take
those little breaks, and know that you are doing what
you need to do in that moment.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Absolutely, Oh that was such good advice. As soon as
you said that, I said, oh, it's like charge it
in your phone, you know, plug it in your phone.
Your phone is still available, it's still doing what it
needs to do, but at that moment, what it needs
to do is charge. So if we need to charge
our phone, if our bodies need to have water, we
need to eat, like, there are these things that we
simply have to do. We have to remember that taking
(15:11):
a pause is something that we need to do as well.
It is not optional, because I think people that have
had to have medical services provided because they were totally
completely burned out, you know, they've passed out from exhaustion,
(15:31):
or they've had to take actually like a well day,
a sick day instead of a well day. They'll tell you,
if you don't do it, your body's going to do
it for you. So rather to do it on your
own terms than to be sat down, right, So I
love it. I love that answer well along that same
(16:03):
vein so many times when we are talking about the
things that go on in our lives emotionally, I think
people forget that we could be physically tired, but we
can also be emotionally tired. We have a tendency to
not want to sit down when we're physically tired, you know,
(16:24):
we don't want to take a step away. We think that, oh,
I'll just have one more cup of coffee and I'll
be okay. But we also have to deal with those
emotional things that are going on in our lives that
may also cause us to need to take a pause.
When you're talking about that and having honest conversations with
(16:46):
those that are realizing that some of their emotional delays
are in connection with the traumas that they experienced, it's
like it's starting to catch up to them and they're
starting to feel more and more emotionally fatigued. How do
you help them deal with that aspect as well?
Speaker 3 (17:08):
Well, you know, your body's connected all your body is
connected to each other, and so if you're emotionally burnout,
you're going to be physically burnout too. It just goes
hand in hand the same with physical If you're physically burnout,
you're going to be emotionally burnout because your body is
going through so much stress that your mind can't really
process how to deal with all of it. So I
(17:29):
just encourage people to talk to get those thoughts and
those feelings out so they're not pent up and building
up and causing that stress. That emotional and physical stress,
because those two combine together when they're not working is
absolute torture. And for someone who's dealing with insomnia, not
(17:50):
being able to eat, not being able to do the
things that they need to do because they're just simply
burn out, you just have to talk about it and
get those thoughts out. Even meditation, practicing, breathing, you know,
sitting in a quiet room and just letting like I said,
letting your thoughts kind of wonder. I do that a lot.
(18:10):
I have this little hamster in my brain that is
constantly going. He never stops, and so there are times
that I'll just sit there and just let my mind
wander and it'll go in about a thousand different directions.
But I get those thoughts out enough of them out
so that I'm not so emotionally compressed, and you know,
(18:32):
my head's not ready to explode. So just you know,
you kind of got to give yourself time to let
those thoughts wander, you know. And it goes along with
the recharging. You know, you're recharging your batteries, you're recharging
your system because you're letting that stuff go.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Yeah, you are, You're so right there. I like that
you call it a little hamster. I've referred to it
as like the little puppy, and it's like, okay, sit,
you know, and in training that the puppy the same
way that you train your brain or the little hamster.
You know, like you just have to Over time, you'll
get to the point where you're you're able to sit rest,
(19:10):
you know, take a pause, a little bit longer and
a little bit longer. But it just takes time, and
you have to be patient with yourself. And for so
many folks, I think it's the permission to just be
And you said that in the beginning. Sometimes you just
need to permission to just be. You don't have to
(19:31):
be anything else other than just you in that moment
and to allow your body that rest. I love that.
Now for some folks, when you say burnout, I think
most people understand what that means. But you touched on
a very important thing, and that was insomnia. I don't
(19:53):
think that many people are equating burnout and insomnia to
be a law the same avenue. Folks will say, I
just can't seem to sleep, I can't fall asleep, I
can't stay asleep. But then you ask are you worried
about anything? Is something going on at work? What's happening
(20:14):
in your life? And folks say nothing or I don't know.
Help people understand how insomnia and burnout may be connected
or what that may look like in and every well.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
I've struggled with insomnia my entire life. When I was younger,
i'd stay up for three days at a time.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
And.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
In those moments of insomnia, you know, taking that time
to really focus on getting rid of some of those
thoughts and some of those feelings. You know, like I said,
meditation or just sitting in a quiet room and letting
your thoughts go can really be beneficial because you're believing
(21:03):
that stress it's okay to cry, it's okay to take naps,
it's okay to do anything you need to do so
that you can maintain a healthier and happy life. Insomnia
and burnout go hand in hand because even though you're sleeping,
(21:28):
your mind is constantly thinking even when you're asleep, and
so not being able to stay asleep probably has a
lot to do with the fact that your brain has
not stopped thinking about the things that you were dealing
with before. You're thinking about them even as you're asleep,
possibly even dreaming about them. I know a lot of
people and even I have dreamt about being at work,
(21:51):
you know, and you wake up feeling exhausted because you
feel like you worked then and then you've got to
go to work. So yeah, just just finding ways to
relax before you go to bed, before you try to sleep,
Lavender scented candles, cameramell lotions, you know, anything that you
(22:11):
find that can help you relax enough to shut your
mind down. I think it's pretty much just how you
have to combat with that. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I you know, I can lay here for hours just
not thinking of anything in particular, just be laying there.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
So yeah, you're you're definitely, You're definitely onto something, because
I find that for so many for so many people,
they're not they're not planning their best life in their insomnium.
They're worried about, they're thinking about, they're tending to right,
(22:53):
they're they're not using the the waking time in a
creative or productive matter because they want to be sleep,
you know. So it's almost like I don't want to
do anything that's gonna stir my brain up, So I
don't want to be creative. I don't want to get
on the laptop, I don't want to get on my
(23:14):
phone because I really do want to fall asleep. But
then the frustration of I'm laying here and it's like, hello, sleep,
where are you? So yes, I can imagine that that
must be such a frustrating time because it's counterproductive to
what you to what you need to do during that time.
(23:35):
But I'm so glad that you mentioned it, though, because
someone is probably experiencing that right now and not realizing
how tied in it is to other aspects of their lives.
So thank you, thank you for saying that. Now, of course,
I want to make sure that I give my little
medical caveat here. If you are experiencing in sawnia, please
(23:55):
make sure that you check in with your medical team.
It could be anything from a depression, to perimenopause to
needing to deal with a trauma. So make sure again
that you check in with your medical team and they
can definitely address that. Sometimes we are just simply dealing
with our body's rhythms being off center and we need
(24:17):
to just take a VACA to help us deal with
the inzymnium.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
Yeah, and I think fibromyalgia is one thing that people
need to realize that causes a lot of that stuff.
A lot of those symptoms can be caused by fibromialogien
and people don't realize that. They don't realize just how
many symptoms are tied in with that. And so it's
imperative to go to your doctor and get checked because
(24:43):
when you don't sleep, something happens in your brain and
you can become literally kind of hysterical, you know, to
where you can't think, you can't process anything, you know,
So it is imperative to see your doctor and make
sure that you get that checked out absolutely.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
And now I want to give some time to you
as well, because not only are you an advocate, but
you are also an author. So Heather, please tell us
about your book.
Speaker 3 (25:24):
It's called I Promise It's Not Your Fault, and it's
actually the story of all the traumas that I myself
suffered up until the time I was fifteen. The main
character is a boy, because I wanted boys to understand
that they too can suffer trauma and that it is
okay to speak up and out when they have or
(25:44):
know of someone who has. And the book basically just
teaches kids that there are things that they can control,
things that adults can control, and things that no one
has control over, and that when they've been traumatized, there
is nothing in that scenario situation that was their fault
that they did not have control over it. You know,
(26:08):
I wanted them to know that they are still loved,
that they're cherished, and just that they have a friend,
you know, somebody that they could come and confide in
if they needed to that would never ever judge them
or make them feel like they were invalidated in any way.
And I also wanted them to know how imperative it
(26:28):
is to watch out for the signs and the symptoms
of trauma and what those things look like. So I
went in. I discussed everything from divorce to human trafficking
in my book and kind of went through the signs
and symptoms of each of those what those might look like.
(26:48):
So I just tried to make it to where kids
could understand that trauma is absolutely not their fault and
that they are loved and that there's nothing wrong with them.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
That is it's so beautiful. What is the best way
to get in contact with.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
You right now? The best way to get in contact
with me is through either my email, which is Heather
Cells seventy nine at gmail dot com or on Facebook
under Heather Cells, and it'll say j Mitchell in parentheses
by my name so that you'll know it's me, And
my bio also says that I'm the author of I
(27:25):
Promise It's Not your Fault, So just feel free to
send me a message on either platform, and I'm more
than willing to talk with you, to share my experiences
with you, to listen to your experiences, and I'm looking
forward to learning from anybody that wants to reach out
and talk to me.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
Absolutely absolutely, Well, HEATHERN thank you again for coming on
sharing your story any curits
Hello, Hello, Hello, thank you so much for joining me
here today. Hello Heather, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Hi, how are you?
I am so well. Thank you so much for spending
some time with me here today. I cannot wait to
talk about our topic today with you.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Now.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
You have been a guest on my shows before, so
I can't wait to pick your brain about our topic.
But just in case we have some one who's joining
us for the first time, or they're listening in and
they're unfamiliar with you, I want to give you an
opportunity to introduce yourself to those for those folks, So
first question, tell us a little bit about yourself. What
(00:48):
makes you you.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
Well. I'm Heather, I'm from Kansas. I'm a lifelong trauma survivor,
and I just decided that it was time for me
to start helping other trauma survivors, make sure that they
are safe and well accounted for, and just try to
help with their mental health because trauma is it's just
(01:12):
a rampant in this country now, and so I've just
made it my life's mission to make sure that anybody
I come across that has trauma, that I treat them
with the kindness and love.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
That they deserve, so absolutely, absolutely, and being a child
trauma advocate is so important because in my mind, anyone.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Who is helping the little ones heal, even if you're
an adult, helping that that inner child, and you get
to a place where you understand what's going on in
the world and that it's it's okay if you're still
dealing with that as as an adult. So many times
(01:56):
I think that adults think that they that they have
to be okay simply because they've gotten older where they're
still wounded and hurt and it's okay to talk that out.
That's why I'm so happy that you're here today. As
we mentioned, the title is mental health whole not perfect,
(02:17):
and so many times we're looking for that perfection and
we're human, so we're not gonna be perfect. So let's
try to be the best that we can be. So
I love that.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
Love that.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
Now.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
My first question to you is and picking along that
same vein a hole not perfect? What does being a
whole actually look like in real life? Like for people
who are trying to figure out have they met that
expectation yet? Have they have they achieved that goal? That
(02:52):
means something different for everyone. What does living whole mean
for you?
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Okay, first off, let me just say that I don't
like that term being whole simply because I don't feel
like you can be whole. You spend all of your
life giving pieces of yourself to other people and other things.
Once you give those pieces the way, they can never
be regained. You may regain some of the things that
(03:22):
you've lost during those times, but you're never gonna get
it all back, So it's virtually impossible to be whole.
So I just look at it as being living a
fulfilled life knowing that I have fulfilled my dreams of
being kind to anyone who needed me to be kind
to them, showing the love and compassion that they needed,
(03:46):
and just being a good person all the way around.
So I don't personally don't think that you can be whole,
and I think that there's so much pressure for people
to be whole that that's where the perfectionism kind of
comes in, because you feel like you have to be
perfect to be whole, and you're constantly searching for that
(04:10):
wholeness that you're never going to find again. Yeah, So
that's how I live My life is just living a
fulfilled life, not trying to live a whole life.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Yeah, you're you're really onto something there, and I'm sure
there are other people who are nodding their heads as
as well. That's how I feel about the whole work
life balance thing, that the balance isn't always the right word.
That I try to live in work life harmony, that
how can we you know, because some things need to
(04:42):
be up, some things need to be turned down, some
things are going to be first, and then they're going
to fade to the BacT that we just have to
keep keep it in harmony as opposed to thinking of
it only being a balance, because all things are not
always equally across, So you're you're definitely onto something there.
Along that same vein, let me add when it comes
to our professional walk, be that we are talking about leadership,
(05:07):
or we're caregivers, or we're simply in the position of
always being the decision makers for our groups or our family,
what are some ways that we can make sure that
we are living the best that we can under Along
(05:27):
that same thing.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
Well, I think it's always good to have a support
system to not necessarily vent to, but to talk with
and to share ideas with and to get different perspectives,
because when you bring other people in and you get
their perspectives, you find that there are things that you've
overlooked that can drastically help a situation. So I think
(05:54):
that just letting people in and not trying to do
things all on your own, I think that's where we
fall into. That trap, is trying that perfectionism, trying to
do it all on your own, trying to be everything
that people need you to be, and you can't always
do that, and so you beat yourself up because you
can't always do that, And instead just bring people in
(06:18):
and talk talk to them about what you're dealing with,
the issues that you're dealing with, and just get some
different perspectives. Doesn't mean that you have to take their advice,
doesn't mean that you have to you know, agree with
what they say, but at least you can get some
sort of, you know, extra help with it.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Yeah. I like that. You know, it's being wise enough
to know that there is wisdom in seeking another perspective
or someone else's counsel and just making sure that you
are doing the thing that is that is best and
not always just depending on yourself, but knowing that sister, mom,
(07:01):
best friend, even a coworker from time to time that
you could trust, depending on what the subject matter is,
may have a little bit more knowledge than you do
about a certain topic and they're able to assis That
is definitely why is counseled there now along that line,
and I love that you said that, you know that
it takes and I hate to say it because it's
almost becoming so cliches that it takes a village right
(07:24):
to do all of the things that we try to
do in our lives. That word perfectionism. I find that
more women suffer, literally are suffering trying to be perfect
in their day to day to live up to a
particular standard. So perfectionism also masquerades I feel humbly in
(07:49):
the word excellence. Right, you can try to be excellent
in all that you do, but it should not become
such a heavy burden that you're not able to operate
or function out of fear of missing the mark. With
that being said, with those that you help coach and
(08:10):
counsel through, how can someone help encourage another one when
they've crossed that line of the healthy understanding of operating
in excellence to that debilitating pressure of perfectionism.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
Well, I've been in that debilitating perfectionism. I am a
perfectionist all the way around. I do think that trauma
plays a big role in perfectionism because I think that
it takes away so much of your self esteem and
so much of your self worth that you feel like
you have to try a thousand times harder to be
(08:53):
this person that everybody wants you and expects you to be,
and then you've got the social has become the social
norms of perfection. There's beauty, there's personality, there's talent. You know,
you see it every day, and so I think you
just have to realize that it's okay to just be
(09:15):
who you are, that you are enough as you are.
And that's something for a lot of people that is
very hard to digest because they've heard negative things for
so long, they've experienced negative things for so long. So
(09:36):
you just have to, you know, you just have to
realize that trauma and all those outside things they're not
the core of who you are. They don't make you
who you are, and it's okay to just be to
(09:57):
just be yeah, you know.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Yeah, And you touched on a really hot topic there
that I think more and more people are starting to
have conversations about and that is the fashion and beauty
aspect of you know, how makeup or no makeup, how
do you have your hair or what colors are you choosing?
And how do you, you know, put clothing on your body?
(10:23):
All of those things I think are starting to get
more attention thanks to social media. People are talking about
let's make sure that our teen girls know that it's
okay to just be themselves, right that if you're thirteen,
it's okay to look like you're thirteen, If you're seventeen,
(10:43):
it's okay to be seventeen. That we have we have
the rest of our lives to be an adult, so
enjoy that stage and to not have so much pressure
on ourselves to look like something that we we aren't.
And I find that the variety that God gives to
(11:05):
us naturally right, Not trying to turn us into a
religious conversation, but we have so much diversity already, We
have so much to look at already. We shouldn't all
try to look or be the same anyway, you know,
the same way we have different flowers and fruits and
all of that. We as individuals, we can have that commonality, right,
(11:29):
The love and the faith and the hope. But at
the same time, we can all be individually ourselves and
let that be okay. So I love that you mentioned that.
Now for some people the theme that they are dealing with,
and I love how you are able to remind people
that so many times what someone is going through is
(11:51):
because of the trauma that they have experienced. And I
have this conversation when it comes to procrastination. So many
times people will think that procrastination is just laziness, and
my counselor hat slips on sometimes and I remind people
sometimes procrastination is a trauma response. So before you call
(12:13):
someone lazy, make sure that you understand the reasoning behind
why they're taking their time. So I do want to
ask about resting or learning how to pause. So many
people are feeling guilty because they need to pause. I
(12:35):
don't mean quit, but just take a break, take a beat.
Back from that all the way down to I need
to take a power nap right like I need ten
or fifteen minutes and I can wrap back around it.
How do you help people understand that just because you're
doing something, it doesn't mean that you are doing it
(12:57):
at the best capacity. That sometimes a pause is needed.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Well, you know, doctors will tell you that it's better
to eat like six small meals a day than three
big ones, And it's kind of that way when you're
talking about resting. So start out with six or even
three ten to fifteen minute breaks where you just sit
(13:25):
and just decompress, kind of let your thoughts wonder, let
all those thoughts out, and then pick back up what
you were doing. And then when it starts to get
stressful and overwhelming and you feel like you're getting burned
out again, take another break and this time, you know,
maybe eat something small to keep you, you know, sustained.
(13:49):
It's about finding a balance. But you've got to take
those little breaks. And that doesn't mean that you're not
doing anything. It just means that you're recharging, and that
is doing something. You're recharging your body and your mind
to complete the task at hand it in the best
possible way that you can and that's never a bad thing, never,
(14:12):
So don't look at it as oh, I'm being lazy
or I'm not doing anything. Just look at it as
I need this moment to recharge so I can be
the best version of me that I can be And
so I can get this done the way I want
it done, especially for people who are perfectionists, because when
they get tired and they get burnt out, it's very
(14:32):
hard to continue on with the perfectionism and then that
gets very stressful and it just causes the whole host
of problems. So just take that, take those breaks, take
those little breaks, and know that you are doing what
you need to do in that moment.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Absolutely, Oh that was such good advice. As soon as
you said that, I said, oh, it's like charge it
in your phone, you know, plug it in your phone.
Your phone is still available, it's still doing what it
needs to do, but at that moment, what it needs
to do is charge. So if we need to charge
our phone, if our bodies need to have water, we
need to eat, like, there are these things that we
simply have to do. We have to remember that taking
(15:11):
a pause is something that we need to do as well.
It is not optional, because I think people that have
had to have medical services provided because they were totally
completely burned out, you know, they've passed out from exhaustion,
(15:31):
or they've had to take actually like a well day,
a sick day instead of a well day. They'll tell you,
if you don't do it, your body's going to do
it for you. So rather to do it on your
own terms than to be sat down, right, So I
love it. I love that answer well along that same
(16:03):
vein so many times when we are talking about the
things that go on in our lives emotionally, I think
people forget that we could be physically tired, but we
can also be emotionally tired. We have a tendency to
not want to sit down when we're physically tired, you know,
(16:24):
we don't want to take a step away. We think that, oh,
I'll just have one more cup of coffee and I'll
be okay. But we also have to deal with those
emotional things that are going on in our lives that
may also cause us to need to take a pause.
When you're talking about that and having honest conversations with
(16:46):
those that are realizing that some of their emotional delays
are in connection with the traumas that they experienced, it's
like it's starting to catch up to them and they're
starting to feel more and more emotionally fatigued. How do
you help them deal with that aspect as well?
Speaker 3 (17:08):
Well, you know, your body's connected all your body is
connected to each other, and so if you're emotionally burnout,
you're going to be physically burnout too. It just goes
hand in hand the same with physical If you're physically burnout,
you're going to be emotionally burnout because your body is
going through so much stress that your mind can't really
process how to deal with all of it. So I
(17:29):
just encourage people to talk to get those thoughts and
those feelings out so they're not pent up and building
up and causing that stress. That emotional and physical stress,
because those two combine together when they're not working is
absolute torture. And for someone who's dealing with insomnia, not
(17:50):
being able to eat, not being able to do the
things that they need to do because they're just simply
burn out, you just have to talk about it and
get those thoughts out. Even meditation, practicing, breathing, you know,
sitting in a quiet room and just letting like I said,
letting your thoughts kind of wonder. I do that a lot.
(18:10):
I have this little hamster in my brain that is
constantly going. He never stops, and so there are times
that I'll just sit there and just let my mind
wander and it'll go in about a thousand different directions.
But I get those thoughts out enough of them out
so that I'm not so emotionally compressed, and you know,
(18:32):
my head's not ready to explode. So just you know,
you kind of got to give yourself time to let
those thoughts wander, you know. And it goes along with
the recharging. You know, you're recharging your batteries, you're recharging
your system because you're letting that stuff go.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Yeah, you are, You're so right there. I like that
you call it a little hamster. I've referred to it
as like the little puppy, and it's like, okay, sit,
you know, and in training that the puppy the same
way that you train your brain or the little hamster.
You know, like you just have to Over time, you'll
get to the point where you're you're able to sit rest,
(19:10):
you know, take a pause, a little bit longer and
a little bit longer. But it just takes time, and
you have to be patient with yourself. And for so
many folks, I think it's the permission to just be
And you said that in the beginning. Sometimes you just
need to permission to just be. You don't have to
(19:31):
be anything else other than just you in that moment
and to allow your body that rest. I love that.
Now for some folks, when you say burnout, I think
most people understand what that means. But you touched on
a very important thing, and that was insomnia. I don't
(19:53):
think that many people are equating burnout and insomnia to
be a law the same avenue. Folks will say, I
just can't seem to sleep, I can't fall asleep, I
can't stay asleep. But then you ask are you worried
about anything? Is something going on at work? What's happening
(20:14):
in your life? And folks say nothing or I don't know.
Help people understand how insomnia and burnout may be connected
or what that may look like in and every well.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
I've struggled with insomnia my entire life. When I was younger,
i'd stay up for three days at a time.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
And.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
In those moments of insomnia, you know, taking that time
to really focus on getting rid of some of those
thoughts and some of those feelings. You know, like I said,
meditation or just sitting in a quiet room and letting
your thoughts go can really be beneficial because you're believing
(21:03):
that stress it's okay to cry, it's okay to take naps,
it's okay to do anything you need to do so
that you can maintain a healthier and happy life. Insomnia
and burnout go hand in hand because even though you're sleeping,
(21:28):
your mind is constantly thinking even when you're asleep, and
so not being able to stay asleep probably has a
lot to do with the fact that your brain has
not stopped thinking about the things that you were dealing
with before. You're thinking about them even as you're asleep,
possibly even dreaming about them. I know a lot of
people and even I have dreamt about being at work,
(21:51):
you know, and you wake up feeling exhausted because you
feel like you worked then and then you've got to
go to work. So yeah, just just finding ways to
relax before you go to bed, before you try to sleep,
Lavender scented candles, cameramell lotions, you know, anything that you
(22:11):
find that can help you relax enough to shut your
mind down. I think it's pretty much just how you
have to combat with that. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I you know, I can lay here for hours just
not thinking of anything in particular, just be laying there.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
So yeah, you're you're definitely, You're definitely onto something, because
I find that for so many for so many people,
they're not they're not planning their best life in their insomnium.
They're worried about, they're thinking about, they're tending to right,
(22:53):
they're they're not using the the waking time in a
creative or productive matter because they want to be sleep,
you know. So it's almost like I don't want to
do anything that's gonna stir my brain up, So I
don't want to be creative. I don't want to get
on the laptop, I don't want to get on my
(23:14):
phone because I really do want to fall asleep. But
then the frustration of I'm laying here and it's like, hello, sleep,
where are you? So yes, I can imagine that that
must be such a frustrating time because it's counterproductive to
what you to what you need to do during that time.
(23:35):
But I'm so glad that you mentioned it, though, because
someone is probably experiencing that right now and not realizing
how tied in it is to other aspects of their lives.
So thank you, thank you for saying that. Now, of course,
I want to make sure that I give my little
medical caveat here. If you are experiencing in sawnia, please
(23:55):
make sure that you check in with your medical team.
It could be anything from a depression, to perimenopause to
needing to deal with a trauma. So make sure again
that you check in with your medical team and they
can definitely address that. Sometimes we are just simply dealing
with our body's rhythms being off center and we need
(24:17):
to just take a VACA to help us deal with
the inzymnium.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
Yeah, and I think fibromyalgia is one thing that people
need to realize that causes a lot of that stuff.
A lot of those symptoms can be caused by fibromialogien
and people don't realize that. They don't realize just how
many symptoms are tied in with that. And so it's
imperative to go to your doctor and get checked because
(24:43):
when you don't sleep, something happens in your brain and
you can become literally kind of hysterical, you know, to
where you can't think, you can't process anything, you know,
So it is imperative to see your doctor and make
sure that you get that checked out absolutely.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
And now I want to give some time to you
as well, because not only are you an advocate, but
you are also an author. So Heather, please tell us
about your book.
Speaker 3 (25:24):
It's called I Promise It's Not Your Fault, and it's
actually the story of all the traumas that I myself
suffered up until the time I was fifteen. The main
character is a boy, because I wanted boys to understand
that they too can suffer trauma and that it is
okay to speak up and out when they have or
(25:44):
know of someone who has. And the book basically just
teaches kids that there are things that they can control,
things that adults can control, and things that no one
has control over, and that when they've been traumatized, there
is nothing in that scenario situation that was their fault
that they did not have control over it. You know,
(26:08):
I wanted them to know that they are still loved,
that they're cherished, and just that they have a friend,
you know, somebody that they could come and confide in
if they needed to that would never ever judge them
or make them feel like they were invalidated in any way.
And I also wanted them to know how imperative it
(26:28):
is to watch out for the signs and the symptoms
of trauma and what those things look like. So I
went in. I discussed everything from divorce to human trafficking
in my book and kind of went through the signs
and symptoms of each of those what those might look like.
(26:48):
So I just tried to make it to where kids
could understand that trauma is absolutely not their fault and
that they are loved and that there's nothing wrong with them.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
That is it's so beautiful. What is the best way
to get in contact with.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
You right now? The best way to get in contact
with me is through either my email, which is Heather
Cells seventy nine at gmail dot com or on Facebook
under Heather Cells, and it'll say j Mitchell in parentheses
by my name so that you'll know it's me, And
my bio also says that I'm the author of I
(27:25):
Promise It's Not your Fault, So just feel free to
send me a message on either platform, and I'm more
than willing to talk with you, to share my experiences
with you, to listen to your experiences, and I'm looking
forward to learning from anybody that wants to reach out
and talk to me.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
Absolutely absolutely, Well, HEATHERN thank you again for coming on
sharing your story any curits
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