October 15, 2020 • 23 mins
Today, we are talking directly to those of you that have best friends living with dementia and we are going to discuss how you can help your friend THRIVE!
For more information visit: www.careandthrive.org
For more information visit: www.careandthrive.org
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to Dementia Real Talk by Karen Thrive, a podcast
to help you navigate life with dementia, presented by Blair Pharmacy.
Whether you're living with dementia or a care partner for
someone with dementia, join us to learn more about what
to expect and practical approaches to adapt your world to thrive.
Now welcome our host Jerry Young and certified dementia practitioner
(00:27):
and trainer Judy Pritchard.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Hello everyone, Today, we're talking directly to those of you
who have best friends that are living with dementia. We're
going to discuss how you can help your friend thrive.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Lean on me when you're not fun.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
And on me you brea.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Oh that new care.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
And Judy Pritchard, we welcome you in. We're gonna talk
about best friends and just a whole plethora of ideas
that we have on how to help your best friend.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Absolutely, Jerry, good to see you again. That's Lean on
Me by Bill Withers. And I don't know of anybody
that listens to that song and doesn't get a warm,
fuzzy feeling and have a friend come to mind. How
about you?
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Do you have?
Speaker 3 (01:26):
I know you have a big circle of friends. Who's
probably your oldest friend, Richard.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
I have a picture of Richard holding me when I
was one year old, and he is eleven, he's ten
years older than me.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
And our families have been best friends forever, and Richard
and I just kind of took off where the mother
and daddy friendship ended. So that's so cool.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
That is fantastic. Tell me how your friends make you
feel well?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Safe? A good one, very safe to know that you
know you can trust them with things that you can't
trust anybody else with obviously, But yeah, proud is another thing.
I'm proud of my friend. I'm proud that a year
a lifelong friendship has developed and maintained over this many years.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
So absolutely, you know, they're the people we go to.
We have our family and our spouses, but there are
times where no one can fix the world better than
your circle of best friends. That doesn't change if you're
diagnosed with dementia, that doesn't change at all. And as
we've talked about a number of times, our populations growing
(02:35):
in age, there's a huge percentage of people that are
going to be over their sixties. In fact, that Alzheimer's
Association twenty twenty report shows that they're projecting by an
increase of twenty two percent of people that will be
living with dementia in the United States by twenty twenty five,
and that's going to reach numbers, staggering numbers of over
(02:56):
seven million people.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Yeah, and that was one of the most shocking statistics
is you know, twenty twenty fivet just you know, we're
there almost Yeah, we're almost there. And so you know,
you're talking about adding seven million more people to what
already is diagnosed with dementia. That's a lot of folks.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Well, then you look on the other another avenue is
that when you look at the age group thirty nine
to sixty four, Blue Cross Blue Shields report that we've
discussed before has shown that in that younger age group,
there's over a three hundred percent increase of people being
diagnosed with dementia young onset dementia. For this group, this
(03:36):
is the group that's in their prime. They're doing things
with their friends on a regular basis. Their friend groups
are there ones that they're typically weekly going out with,
and they have regular events, card games, golfing outings, shopping
events that they plan on a regular basis, they probably
work with a lot of them. And again, this young
onset dementia group, people living with young onset dementia, they
(03:58):
are in the prime of their life lives and they're
typically having promotions at work. They're planning for what empty
nesting may look like because their kids are in college,
or they're planning weddings with their children, their grandchildren coming.
So they are to them, their friends are very much
(04:19):
a part of their life.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Absolutely. You know. One of the things when you said
that is we are now entering a time to where
we're going to know someone with dementia. Yes, okay, so
you know it's with the young onset dementia that coming
on and with the numbers going up all of a sudden,
it's going to hit closer to home than it ever
(04:44):
has before.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Yes, And it's so important that we break that negative
stigma that is attached with the label, if you will,
of someone living with dementia because the old images that
people have a lot of times that people living with
dementia there that's automatically the end. That is so not
the case. There are so many things that we talk
(05:06):
about on a regular basis of ways that they continue
thriving while living with dementia and as a friend circle,
it's really important that you understand what it's all about and.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
How critical it is that you can help that person. Yes,
that would be the key right here, And that's what
this shows about, is how you can help your friend
and how critical it is not only that you can,
but that you do help your friend.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Absolutely. So what happens when your friend comes to you
and they tell you some sad news or some not
so positive happy event happening that they've been just learned
about themselves.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Yeah, well, of course you want to help them. You
want to know what's being done to help the situation.
Do they have the right doctors, what treatment is involved
if it's a medical issue, those type of.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Things, right, And a lot of times you don't really
know what to say. It's it's difficult hearing news that
maybe considered shocking about your loved one, your best friend,
and so it may be a little bit uncomfortable or awkward.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Yeah, you're not sure what to say, No.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
You really don't. You know, you want to be there,
you know you're going to do whatever you want. But
too many times people when they hear that somebody has dementia.
They don't understand that there's a fight that can happen.
There's a fight that can happen to continue to thrive.
And that's where the friends come in. They don't need
to be afraid, they don't need to shy away, which
(06:39):
is what happens a lot of times.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
And you know, they need to step out of your
box sometimes, you know, and learn how what that person's
going through and learn how you can learn what you
need to know to help them.
Speaker 3 (06:53):
Absolutely, you know, a big component two of why I
believe that some people will shy way and even family members,
is they're afraid. Absolutely, they're absolutely afraid because they only
know a limited amount of information they and what they
know is not full of hope. And they what they
(07:17):
also realize sometimes is their own mortality. That they're they're
looking at their loved one, their best friend, their parent,
and they're all of a sudden realizing they have something
I don't know about, I don't understand. And too many
times when someone's diagnosed, they're giving the medical approach, which
(07:38):
is medications and sometimes legal approach, but people aren't coming
in showing them how to thrive, how to live, and
they certainly aren't doing that with their friends, their circle
of friends saying let's get together and talk about how
you can help them thrive.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
That's right, And instead of shining away from it, the
best thing you can do is ask questions and say
what can I do to help? What do I need
to learn? How can I be a part of your
life even more now when you need me the most,
and how can I help you thrive? And like say,
it is a diagnosis that is not popular. It is
(08:14):
a negative diagnosis in the beginning, but there are several
years there that you can thrive with demension.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Oh yeah, many years. It's being just shown left and right,
especially people with young onset to mention many times have
twenty years to go and they're great. They're still in
their prime. They're still your best friend. That has not changed,
that's right.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
And most of their capabilities are still the same. It
may you know. I mean, you still go fishing, you
still do those type of daily activities, you still cut
the grass, you still do all that. But some things
in their life change a little bit, and that's what
you need to learn about.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
Yes, you know, And there's going to be a period
of time where you may grieve you may grieve the
thought of what you had planned with your best friend
because you're falling into that stigma of not understanding that Again,
it's not the end all be all. There are still
you still make plans, you still find ways, you just
may have to do things a bit differently.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
It's right, and you were talking about, you know, going
back to statistics. With people you know in their sixties now,
it's not uncommon to be diagnosed with that, and that's
why it's difficult because they are moving on with their
life at that point. A lot of folks are planning
for retirement maybe or if you are in a business,
you know, you're you're trying to train someone how to
(09:37):
take your place if you've been there for years or
at a certain job. But that's why it's important to
understand that the diagnosis of young onset dementia still has
plenty of good years there to thrive.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
Absolutely in particular, and you know, these people many times
are with their spouse or significant others who are living
with this whole changed vision of their future, and the
most important thing we can do is keep them from
falling into that negative spiral of mental health that's attached
(10:12):
to dementia, and by being there and showing up and
supporting and listening, we can help them through this. And
it's going to change as the person progresses with this disease. Now,
this progression may be eight, nine, ten years down the road,
or may subtly change a bit from week to week,
(10:34):
but as they're going through those changes, realizing by you
understanding the changes that are coming, then you can help
them learn more. You can help adapt your ways with
your best friend to keep them active.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
That's right, And you know, I keep thinking about golf,
and that would be a perfect example to me. If
you play golf with your best friend for years, just
because they have on set dementia, it doesn't mean you
quit playing golf. It may mean you have to help
them write the score down, or you may mean that
(11:09):
this is a part three and you may need to
help them know what club they used to hit there
or whatever. That doesn't mean they can't hit the club,
can't hit the shot, and you still can't enjoy being
around them. So that's the sort of small things that
may change. But your life doesn't need to change with
your best friend.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
No, And in fact, that's a really important point. I
have a client that I've worked with, and one of
their passions was golf, and on a regular basis, he
still went with tons of his friends out to go golfing.
And the subtle changes that he was starting to notice
were things like keeping up with his strokes. So nothing drastic.
(11:46):
He still drove to the golf course. He still could
follow the trails and know which hole was next. Is
nothing drastic, But he couldn't keep up with his strokes.
So we found a tool that he could use, a
clicker that he could use. We're actually going to show
one of those on our videos. And so, like you
said earlier, you got to think outside the box. Think
outside the box of Okay, don't think, oh, this is dementia.
(12:10):
Think what are the problems he's having. Okay, he's having
a hard time coming up with remembering and following his strokes.
What can we do to help find a clicker? Something simple,
everyday products that could be used a little bit differently
to help live their lives and still doing all the
things you love to do with them.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
So if your best friend had a broken ankle, you'd
help them find a crutch.
Speaker 3 (12:31):
Absolutely, you'd help them find a way inside the store.
Because you'd find the ramp that he doesn't have to
step up on.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
That's right, So it's no different.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
Help us find the ramps to help them figure out
the way to do their passions. That's what dementia thrite
is all about.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Yeah, you've come up with a very You call this
an acronym love is yep, I thought this was pretty cool.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
Well, thank you, I had a creative moment. So what
I want you to think about when your best friend
tells you they have dementia. I want you to love
them like you always have. Think of the acronym love
is so. There's there's there's actually two l's so, but
love is so L is for first, learn learn everything
you can about dementia. Not to become the expert that
(13:14):
you're telling them how they should be living with dementia,
but that you understand what to look for, how to
anticipate needs, and how to help them remain independent. Now,
that doesn't mean you do everything for them, because, like
we always say, what happens if you do it for them?
Speaker 2 (13:32):
That's right, and that's exactly right. But the word that
I want to make sure we understand here is don't
challenge them either.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
Right, But before we go there. What word is you
know we always talk about if you do it for them,
they're going to lose that ability. That's going back to
the Montessori approach with dementia care. You don't do things
for them. You adapt the approach or you adapt the
world to make it easier for them to do it themselves.
So there may be slightly different approach that you use.
(14:01):
So learn all you can. If they, hopefully they have
a dementia practitioner, hopefully are calling us a Karen thrive
because that person will meet with you as a friend.
They'll have a family meeting where they'll meet with a family,
then they'll also meet with a friend group to say,
ask me anything you want to ask me. Let me
help you understand what your best friend's going through, and
(14:24):
let me help you understand the dous and don'ts of
how to communicate, how to adapt approaches, and how to
help facilitate the world to make them remain independent.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
And the second ale listen, right, so what.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
Do you think that's I mean to you? What does
that mean? Listen?
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Well, be there when they need you to just understand,
have a little.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Empathy like you would do no matter what they told you,
like you would do if they lost their favorite pet,
you would listen. You're not going to assume you're going
to listen. You're going to listen to how they're feeling,
going to listen to how their care partner is feeling.
You're going to listen and learn everything you can around dementia,
(15:09):
and you're going to be there for them. You're going
to be that shoulder they need.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
Yeah, and share their fears. You know, they're you're you're
grieving too, they are too that they've got this, so
you know, just be there for them if they need
to cry, or they need to laugh, or be the
person that takes them away from from the fear. Help
them out, help them get over the fear, is what
I'm trying to say.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
Help them see that you are are still seeing them
as their best as your best friend, that they still
bring to you everything in life they always have, and
that this diagnosis of dementia is more of a disability,
and you're going to help them find ways to adapt
their world for it.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Okay, let's move to oh.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
Observe, observe, so observe. As you're learning more about dementia,
you'll understand things to look for of subtle approach just
that may be causing your best friend to struggle. So
it may be something simple as like we talked about
golf keeping up with your strokes, or if you're golfing
(16:10):
with a big group and he's the first one to
tee off and the others are afterwards. That delay may
may manifest itself from dementia in his mind as he
lost track of where his ball went right. So help
with that, that's all you have to do. So observe,
be observant. Again, don't do it for him, but help
(16:34):
them understand ways that you can help adapt. That's the
whole key.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
That's right. And they need to believe you, which is
where validate comes in. And I think you got Actually
you got two v's. You got validate and value.
Speaker 3 (16:45):
Absolutely cherish them as a friend. Yes, your friendship may
change slightly, but the things that made them your best
friend are still the things in place that are making that.
Dementia doesn't take that away. Dementia just makes it slightly different.
So they're still your best friend. They still have a
lot of the same qualities. They may just have other
(17:06):
dementia related things that you need to watch for. And
you need to understand he.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
Is very important to me in that environment and you know,
living with my mom and doing that sort of thing.
Environment was very important in the progression of dementia.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
Yep. So environment you'll learn as you're learning more about dementia,
the the visual perception problems that can come along with it,
or how stig stimulus like negative sting us noise, chaoticness,
how approaches to eliminate some of the chaos to make
(17:46):
it easier for them to make it through whatever you're
doing in your event, And it can simply be so
let's say you were you're in a new hotel because
you guys want on vacation together and they need a
way to find the elevator. Then you help them map
out the way and you guide them to it. You
don't do it for them, but you make it more
(18:06):
independent for them to find it. So maybe your elevator
is the blue one. So instead of just saying let's
go upstairs, let's go, let's head to the blue elevator
and then that'll kick in. That'll be the way that
they can get back to their room. So you look
at ways that you can work with their needs and
adapt their environment to help them remain independent.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
One of the things that comes to my mind immediately
is restaurants. And you know, we always went to restaurants
seem to be loud restaurants. But with my mom, especially
when we went to a restaurant that wasn't as chaotic
with dishes clanging all the time and a lot of
loud noise at lunch or whatever, it was a much
better environment for her to enjoy eating.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Absolutely, that is a perfect example, Jerry. Look for those
things that are less chaotic, those things that even if
you don't have dementia, if you're in it and you're
having maybe a stress out today, it's going to cause
you to have more stress or more anxiety because it's
just too much stimulus. Think of those things, and those
suppurches you would take are the same things that they
would need.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
Yeah, I tell you. One other thing is waiting on
a table. You don't know how unnerving that can be.
We'll just take like cracker barrel, you know how it's
always packed there in the gift shop. We look at
that as a fun thing to do, but with my mom,
that was not fun. That was unnerving to her to
be around that many people and little kids running through
and all that. So we you know, you may have
(19:27):
to change your breakfast restaurant, yeah, to one that you
don't have to waste so long. May not be quite
as good, but it may be better in the long run.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
You know, same approach as you and I would do.
You're just being very aware that how it can benefit
them to change that plan.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
A little bit, or change the time of day you
go exactly.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
Prime example, my husband and I we never really go
out for Valentine's Day because I don't want to deal
with the crowds. I don't want to deal with the lions.
I don't want to have to deal with all that.
We can have a much more meaningful time if we
go another day and we celebrate Valentine's Day, we celebrate
our love for each other. We just do it on
another day and it's a whole lot more enjoyable all
(20:06):
the way around. So just think about that when you're
thinking about your environment.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
I invite we're talking about you just invited him to
dinner on a different night, But you can invite your
best friend to still continue with I know we've hit
a lot on GoF it's the same type thing, but
regular outings, whether it's GoF or card playing or whatever
it is.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Vacations if it's gardening, if it's you like to go
out and do it one of those paint and wine
nights with your girlfriends. Don't stop inviting them. There may
be times when they're more tired and they don't feel
like going. That's okay. Don't stop inviting them. Keep them
involved in your activities. That's what brings them joy just
as much as it brings you joy.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
And the acronym love is where. Now to the last
one that's s and could be the most important. That's support.
Speaker 3 (20:54):
Support. Understand that they need you just like you need them.
Don't be afraid if you still need help in something,
ask them for help. That is the best way that
you can show somebody that you love them by asking
them and letting them know you need help. Just like
when they're diagnosed with dementia, they're going to need your help,
So be there to support and then also spread the word.
(21:17):
The stigma that is so readily available out there in
the world around dementia is negative. Spread the world that
that is not the case. That is not what dementia
is about, and it's coming from a lack of knowledge
when people have that stigma attached to it. So help
spread the word on There's so much we need to
change in our world easily to adapt it to make
people thrive with dementia, and you, as their best friend,
(21:39):
can help lead that cause.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
One of the ways you can support them is listening
to podcasts like this. You can find us this is
Dementia Real Talk. You can also find us on Facebook
at Karen Thrive on Facebook and in our website at
karinthrive dot org. And we have tips on our Facebook
page too. We do a little videos about how to
to things in your life that you can change a
(22:03):
little bit or use to make it much easier.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
Yeah, those are the everyday tools, like the clickers we
talked about. They're there on care and thrive facebook page.
Thanks so much, everybody Thrive on.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Thrive on everyone. Thanks.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
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(22:39):
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Thanks for listening, and be sure to follow us on
Facebook at Karen Thrive and visit our website www dot
(23:01):
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podcasting platform. This podcast is produced by your podcastnow dot com.
Let us produce a podcast for you.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
The purpose of this podcast is to educate in though
and four. It is not a substitute for professional care
by a doctor or other qualified medical professionals.
Welcome to Dementia Real Talk by Karen Thrive, a podcast
to help you navigate life with dementia, presented by Blair Pharmacy.
Whether you're living with dementia or a care partner for
someone with dementia, join us to learn more about what
to expect and practical approaches to adapt your world to thrive.
Now welcome our host Jerry Young and certified dementia practitioner
(00:27):
and trainer Judy Pritchard.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Hello everyone, Today, we're talking directly to those of you
who have best friends that are living with dementia. We're
going to discuss how you can help your friend thrive.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Lean on me when you're not fun.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
And on me you brea.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Oh that new care.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
And Judy Pritchard, we welcome you in. We're gonna talk
about best friends and just a whole plethora of ideas
that we have on how to help your best friend.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Absolutely, Jerry, good to see you again. That's Lean on
Me by Bill Withers. And I don't know of anybody
that listens to that song and doesn't get a warm,
fuzzy feeling and have a friend come to mind. How
about you?
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Do you have?
Speaker 3 (01:26):
I know you have a big circle of friends. Who's
probably your oldest friend, Richard.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
I have a picture of Richard holding me when I
was one year old, and he is eleven, he's ten
years older than me.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
And our families have been best friends forever, and Richard
and I just kind of took off where the mother
and daddy friendship ended. So that's so cool.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
That is fantastic. Tell me how your friends make you
feel well?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Safe? A good one, very safe to know that you
know you can trust them with things that you can't
trust anybody else with obviously, But yeah, proud is another thing.
I'm proud of my friend. I'm proud that a year
a lifelong friendship has developed and maintained over this many years.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
So absolutely, you know, they're the people we go to.
We have our family and our spouses, but there are
times where no one can fix the world better than
your circle of best friends. That doesn't change if you're
diagnosed with dementia, that doesn't change at all. And as
we've talked about a number of times, our populations growing
(02:35):
in age, there's a huge percentage of people that are
going to be over their sixties. In fact, that Alzheimer's
Association twenty twenty report shows that they're projecting by an
increase of twenty two percent of people that will be
living with dementia in the United States by twenty twenty five,
and that's going to reach numbers, staggering numbers of over
(02:56):
seven million people.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Yeah, and that was one of the most shocking statistics
is you know, twenty twenty fivet just you know, we're
there almost Yeah, we're almost there. And so you know,
you're talking about adding seven million more people to what
already is diagnosed with dementia. That's a lot of folks.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Well, then you look on the other another avenue is
that when you look at the age group thirty nine
to sixty four, Blue Cross Blue Shields report that we've
discussed before has shown that in that younger age group,
there's over a three hundred percent increase of people being
diagnosed with dementia young onset dementia. For this group, this
(03:36):
is the group that's in their prime. They're doing things
with their friends on a regular basis. Their friend groups
are there ones that they're typically weekly going out with,
and they have regular events, card games, golfing outings, shopping
events that they plan on a regular basis, they probably
work with a lot of them. And again, this young
onset dementia group, people living with young onset dementia, they
(03:58):
are in the prime of their life lives and they're
typically having promotions at work. They're planning for what empty
nesting may look like because their kids are in college,
or they're planning weddings with their children, their grandchildren coming.
So they are to them, their friends are very much
(04:19):
a part of their life.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Absolutely. You know. One of the things when you said
that is we are now entering a time to where
we're going to know someone with dementia. Yes, okay, so
you know it's with the young onset dementia that coming
on and with the numbers going up all of a sudden,
it's going to hit closer to home than it ever
(04:44):
has before.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Yes, And it's so important that we break that negative
stigma that is attached with the label, if you will,
of someone living with dementia because the old images that
people have a lot of times that people living with
dementia there that's automatically the end. That is so not
the case. There are so many things that we talk
(05:06):
about on a regular basis of ways that they continue
thriving while living with dementia and as a friend circle,
it's really important that you understand what it's all about and.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
How critical it is that you can help that person. Yes,
that would be the key right here, And that's what
this shows about, is how you can help your friend
and how critical it is not only that you can,
but that you do help your friend.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Absolutely. So what happens when your friend comes to you
and they tell you some sad news or some not
so positive happy event happening that they've been just learned
about themselves.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Yeah, well, of course you want to help them. You
want to know what's being done to help the situation.
Do they have the right doctors, what treatment is involved
if it's a medical issue, those type of.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Things, right, And a lot of times you don't really
know what to say. It's it's difficult hearing news that
maybe considered shocking about your loved one, your best friend,
and so it may be a little bit uncomfortable or awkward.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Yeah, you're not sure what to say, No.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
You really don't. You know, you want to be there,
you know you're going to do whatever you want. But
too many times people when they hear that somebody has dementia.
They don't understand that there's a fight that can happen.
There's a fight that can happen to continue to thrive.
And that's where the friends come in. They don't need
to be afraid, they don't need to shy away, which
(06:39):
is what happens a lot of times.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
And you know, they need to step out of your
box sometimes, you know, and learn how what that person's
going through and learn how you can learn what you
need to know to help them.
Speaker 3 (06:53):
Absolutely, you know, a big component two of why I
believe that some people will shy way and even family members,
is they're afraid. Absolutely, they're absolutely afraid because they only
know a limited amount of information they and what they
know is not full of hope. And they what they
(07:17):
also realize sometimes is their own mortality. That they're they're
looking at their loved one, their best friend, their parent,
and they're all of a sudden realizing they have something
I don't know about, I don't understand. And too many
times when someone's diagnosed, they're giving the medical approach, which
(07:38):
is medications and sometimes legal approach, but people aren't coming
in showing them how to thrive, how to live, and
they certainly aren't doing that with their friends, their circle
of friends saying let's get together and talk about how
you can help them thrive.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
That's right, And instead of shining away from it, the
best thing you can do is ask questions and say
what can I do to help? What do I need
to learn? How can I be a part of your
life even more now when you need me the most,
and how can I help you thrive? And like say,
it is a diagnosis that is not popular. It is
(08:14):
a negative diagnosis in the beginning, but there are several
years there that you can thrive with demension.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Oh yeah, many years. It's being just shown left and right,
especially people with young onset to mention many times have
twenty years to go and they're great. They're still in
their prime. They're still your best friend. That has not changed,
that's right.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
And most of their capabilities are still the same. It
may you know. I mean, you still go fishing, you
still do those type of daily activities, you still cut
the grass, you still do all that. But some things
in their life change a little bit, and that's what
you need to learn about.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
Yes, you know, And there's going to be a period
of time where you may grieve you may grieve the
thought of what you had planned with your best friend
because you're falling into that stigma of not understanding that Again,
it's not the end all be all. There are still
you still make plans, you still find ways, you just
may have to do things a bit differently.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
It's right, and you were talking about, you know, going
back to statistics. With people you know in their sixties now,
it's not uncommon to be diagnosed with that, and that's
why it's difficult because they are moving on with their
life at that point. A lot of folks are planning
for retirement maybe or if you are in a business,
you know, you're you're trying to train someone how to
(09:37):
take your place if you've been there for years or
at a certain job. But that's why it's important to
understand that the diagnosis of young onset dementia still has
plenty of good years there to thrive.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
Absolutely in particular, and you know, these people many times
are with their spouse or significant others who are living
with this whole changed vision of their future, and the
most important thing we can do is keep them from
falling into that negative spiral of mental health that's attached
(10:12):
to dementia, and by being there and showing up and
supporting and listening, we can help them through this. And
it's going to change as the person progresses with this disease. Now,
this progression may be eight, nine, ten years down the road,
or may subtly change a bit from week to week,
(10:34):
but as they're going through those changes, realizing by you
understanding the changes that are coming, then you can help
them learn more. You can help adapt your ways with
your best friend to keep them active.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
That's right, And you know, I keep thinking about golf,
and that would be a perfect example to me. If
you play golf with your best friend for years, just
because they have on set dementia, it doesn't mean you
quit playing golf. It may mean you have to help
them write the score down, or you may mean that
(11:09):
this is a part three and you may need to
help them know what club they used to hit there
or whatever. That doesn't mean they can't hit the club,
can't hit the shot, and you still can't enjoy being
around them. So that's the sort of small things that
may change. But your life doesn't need to change with
your best friend.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
No, And in fact, that's a really important point. I
have a client that I've worked with, and one of
their passions was golf, and on a regular basis, he
still went with tons of his friends out to go golfing.
And the subtle changes that he was starting to notice
were things like keeping up with his strokes. So nothing drastic.
(11:46):
He still drove to the golf course. He still could
follow the trails and know which hole was next. Is
nothing drastic, But he couldn't keep up with his strokes.
So we found a tool that he could use, a
clicker that he could use. We're actually going to show
one of those on our videos. And so, like you
said earlier, you got to think outside the box. Think
outside the box of Okay, don't think, oh, this is dementia.
(12:10):
Think what are the problems he's having. Okay, he's having
a hard time coming up with remembering and following his strokes.
What can we do to help find a clicker? Something simple,
everyday products that could be used a little bit differently
to help live their lives and still doing all the
things you love to do with them.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
So if your best friend had a broken ankle, you'd
help them find a crutch.
Speaker 3 (12:31):
Absolutely, you'd help them find a way inside the store.
Because you'd find the ramp that he doesn't have to
step up on.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
That's right, So it's no different.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
Help us find the ramps to help them figure out
the way to do their passions. That's what dementia thrite
is all about.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Yeah, you've come up with a very You call this
an acronym love is yep, I thought this was pretty cool.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
Well, thank you, I had a creative moment. So what
I want you to think about when your best friend
tells you they have dementia. I want you to love
them like you always have. Think of the acronym love
is so. There's there's there's actually two l's so, but
love is so L is for first, learn learn everything
you can about dementia. Not to become the expert that
(13:14):
you're telling them how they should be living with dementia,
but that you understand what to look for, how to
anticipate needs, and how to help them remain independent. Now,
that doesn't mean you do everything for them, because, like
we always say, what happens if you do it for them?
Speaker 2 (13:32):
That's right, and that's exactly right. But the word that
I want to make sure we understand here is don't
challenge them either.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
Right, But before we go there. What word is you
know we always talk about if you do it for them,
they're going to lose that ability. That's going back to
the Montessori approach with dementia care. You don't do things
for them. You adapt the approach or you adapt the
world to make it easier for them to do it themselves.
So there may be slightly different approach that you use.
(14:01):
So learn all you can. If they, hopefully they have
a dementia practitioner, hopefully are calling us a Karen thrive
because that person will meet with you as a friend.
They'll have a family meeting where they'll meet with a family,
then they'll also meet with a friend group to say,
ask me anything you want to ask me. Let me
help you understand what your best friend's going through, and
(14:24):
let me help you understand the dous and don'ts of
how to communicate, how to adapt approaches, and how to
help facilitate the world to make them remain independent.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
And the second ale listen, right, so what.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
Do you think that's I mean to you? What does
that mean? Listen?
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Well, be there when they need you to just understand,
have a little.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Empathy like you would do no matter what they told you,
like you would do if they lost their favorite pet,
you would listen. You're not going to assume you're going
to listen. You're going to listen to how they're feeling,
going to listen to how their care partner is feeling.
You're going to listen and learn everything you can around dementia,
(15:09):
and you're going to be there for them. You're going
to be that shoulder they need.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
Yeah, and share their fears. You know, they're you're you're
grieving too, they are too that they've got this, so
you know, just be there for them if they need
to cry, or they need to laugh, or be the
person that takes them away from from the fear. Help
them out, help them get over the fear, is what
I'm trying to say.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
Help them see that you are are still seeing them
as their best as your best friend, that they still
bring to you everything in life they always have, and
that this diagnosis of dementia is more of a disability,
and you're going to help them find ways to adapt
their world for it.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Okay, let's move to oh.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
Observe, observe, so observe. As you're learning more about dementia,
you'll understand things to look for of subtle approach just
that may be causing your best friend to struggle. So
it may be something simple as like we talked about
golf keeping up with your strokes, or if you're golfing
(16:10):
with a big group and he's the first one to
tee off and the others are afterwards. That delay may
may manifest itself from dementia in his mind as he
lost track of where his ball went right. So help
with that, that's all you have to do. So observe,
be observant. Again, don't do it for him, but help
(16:34):
them understand ways that you can help adapt. That's the
whole key.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
That's right. And they need to believe you, which is
where validate comes in. And I think you got Actually
you got two v's. You got validate and value.
Speaker 3 (16:45):
Absolutely cherish them as a friend. Yes, your friendship may
change slightly, but the things that made them your best
friend are still the things in place that are making that.
Dementia doesn't take that away. Dementia just makes it slightly different.
So they're still your best friend. They still have a
lot of the same qualities. They may just have other
(17:06):
dementia related things that you need to watch for. And
you need to understand he.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
Is very important to me in that environment and you know,
living with my mom and doing that sort of thing.
Environment was very important in the progression of dementia.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
Yep. So environment you'll learn as you're learning more about dementia,
the the visual perception problems that can come along with it,
or how stig stimulus like negative sting us noise, chaoticness,
how approaches to eliminate some of the chaos to make
(17:46):
it easier for them to make it through whatever you're
doing in your event, And it can simply be so
let's say you were you're in a new hotel because
you guys want on vacation together and they need a
way to find the elevator. Then you help them map
out the way and you guide them to it. You
don't do it for them, but you make it more
(18:06):
independent for them to find it. So maybe your elevator
is the blue one. So instead of just saying let's
go upstairs, let's go, let's head to the blue elevator
and then that'll kick in. That'll be the way that
they can get back to their room. So you look
at ways that you can work with their needs and
adapt their environment to help them remain independent.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
One of the things that comes to my mind immediately
is restaurants. And you know, we always went to restaurants
seem to be loud restaurants. But with my mom, especially
when we went to a restaurant that wasn't as chaotic
with dishes clanging all the time and a lot of
loud noise at lunch or whatever, it was a much
better environment for her to enjoy eating.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Absolutely, that is a perfect example, Jerry. Look for those
things that are less chaotic, those things that even if
you don't have dementia, if you're in it and you're
having maybe a stress out today, it's going to cause
you to have more stress or more anxiety because it's
just too much stimulus. Think of those things, and those
suppurches you would take are the same things that they
would need.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
Yeah, I tell you. One other thing is waiting on
a table. You don't know how unnerving that can be.
We'll just take like cracker barrel, you know how it's
always packed there in the gift shop. We look at
that as a fun thing to do, but with my mom,
that was not fun. That was unnerving to her to
be around that many people and little kids running through
and all that. So we you know, you may have
(19:27):
to change your breakfast restaurant, yeah, to one that you
don't have to waste so long. May not be quite
as good, but it may be better in the long run.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
You know, same approach as you and I would do.
You're just being very aware that how it can benefit
them to change that plan.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
A little bit, or change the time of day you
go exactly.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
Prime example, my husband and I we never really go
out for Valentine's Day because I don't want to deal
with the crowds. I don't want to deal with the lions.
I don't want to have to deal with all that.
We can have a much more meaningful time if we
go another day and we celebrate Valentine's Day, we celebrate
our love for each other. We just do it on
another day and it's a whole lot more enjoyable all
(20:06):
the way around. So just think about that when you're
thinking about your environment.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
I invite we're talking about you just invited him to
dinner on a different night, But you can invite your
best friend to still continue with I know we've hit
a lot on GoF it's the same type thing, but
regular outings, whether it's GoF or card playing or whatever
it is.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Vacations if it's gardening, if it's you like to go
out and do it one of those paint and wine
nights with your girlfriends. Don't stop inviting them. There may
be times when they're more tired and they don't feel
like going. That's okay. Don't stop inviting them. Keep them
involved in your activities. That's what brings them joy just
as much as it brings you joy.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
And the acronym love is where. Now to the last
one that's s and could be the most important. That's support.
Speaker 3 (20:54):
Support. Understand that they need you just like you need them.
Don't be afraid if you still need help in something,
ask them for help. That is the best way that
you can show somebody that you love them by asking
them and letting them know you need help. Just like
when they're diagnosed with dementia, they're going to need your help,
So be there to support and then also spread the word.
(21:17):
The stigma that is so readily available out there in
the world around dementia is negative. Spread the world that
that is not the case. That is not what dementia
is about, and it's coming from a lack of knowledge
when people have that stigma attached to it. So help
spread the word on There's so much we need to
change in our world easily to adapt it to make
people thrive with dementia, and you, as their best friend,
(21:39):
can help lead that cause.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
One of the ways you can support them is listening
to podcasts like this. You can find us this is
Dementia Real Talk. You can also find us on Facebook
at Karen Thrive on Facebook and in our website at
karinthrive dot org. And we have tips on our Facebook
page too. We do a little videos about how to
to things in your life that you can change a
(22:03):
little bit or use to make it much easier.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
Yeah, those are the everyday tools, like the clickers we
talked about. They're there on care and thrive facebook page.
Thanks so much, everybody Thrive on.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Thrive on everyone. Thanks.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
When caring for your family, your local pharmacy should be
an important part of your team. Blair Pharmacy in Alabaster
is a family owned full service pharmacy giving its clients personalized,
accurate service. They offer services like Nedpack, flavor RX, and
free delivery. Kim and Daniel Blair are members of the
community and are here for you and your family. They
offer everyday items you would find in the big box stores,
(22:39):
but also support local vendors by offering unique handcrafted items.
Blair Pharmacy a full service pharmacy caring for each of
our patients individual needs. Www dot Blair dash Pharmacy dot com.
Thanks for listening, and be sure to follow us on
Facebook at Karen Thrive and visit our website www dot
(23:01):
Kirnthrive dot org. Subscribe to this podcast to your favorite
podcasting platform. This podcast is produced by your podcastnow dot com.
Let us produce a podcast for you.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
The purpose of this podcast is to educate in though
and four. It is not a substitute for professional care
by a doctor or other qualified medical professionals.
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