December 24, 2023 • 47 mins
In this episode we talk about the best way to navigate conflict in a relationship.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Mm hmmm, No, I don'tlike to do that. Welcome to Dirty
(00:43):
Tea Podcast. Is your girl v. Savage in the building and we have
some new guests today. First ofall, I'm gonna introduce the fan favorite
mister b a k A. Misterbombast here here, I'm here. And
(01:06):
then we have back Melby. Hi, it's Melle mel I'm here against my
will son help help or cash eitheror you know whatever, so you can
cash up Milby Dirty Tea Podcast.And then we have the mechanic a ka
mister perfect. All right, butyeah, I'm exactly why I Melby don't
(01:34):
exactly want to be here. Theywon't hold it against It's gonna be fine.
It'll be fine. That's why we'rehere today. Drink healthy. Well,
we'll try to learn healthy conflict.If anything, will learn how to
end the conflict one way or another. So the episode is it's about conflict
(01:56):
in relationship, okay, and howto Maybe we can try to give hints
on how to avoid it, butlet's focus on how to resolve it,
because you can't avoid conflict forever.It's natural. It's a part of relationships.
If you guys were this same exactperson, you wouldn't be together.
(02:19):
You know, there's got to besome ying to the age. They should
just agree with everything you're saying,then they wouldn't be No, I'm kidding.
Happy life is happy life and ina perfect world. But we don't
always like that either. I feellike someone who's too agreeable. You think
they're just a pussy. Yeah,essentially yeast, but pussy is pretty well
(02:46):
they Yeah, nobody wants that.Somebody with a little backbone that can,
you know, fend for themselves.You can't be like at the end of
the day, I think I thinkwe're definitely attracted to someone who can put
their foot down. Yeah's alpha males? Alpha males, that's only beta male?
Say alpha male? What's a betamale? Heard me say that?
(03:07):
Ship? I haven't heard that.I'm just bothering you, mister, just
bothering. But what what's a betamale? I don't know. That is
the extra parts below the alpha.I don't know. I don't, I
don't. I don't go with thosethose terms. It just seems silly as
(03:28):
hell. Is the way that somebody, uh that probably feels inferior needs to
kind of pump themselves up and thenwe should put upon it and sounds like
that's a whole other episode. Ofcourse she's being annoying. She just started.
She's doing how many many pens?Is? I got drinks? All
(03:52):
right? There's a pen in eachnip. But I mean there's definitely,
like I don't know if you guysare into like astrology, charting or whatever,
but there's definitely people with more feminineenergy versus masculine. So I'm wondering.
Yeah, so I'm wondering. There'sliterally like a scale for it.
(04:14):
So like I personally have like eightout of ten, ten being the most
masculine energy. I don't have anyfeminine energy, which makes sense. That's
not cool. Yeah, I feellike that's more like the role you've been
forced into more than But I don'tthink it's I was forced in it.
I think I didn't realize that Ihad that type of energy. So I'm
(04:36):
attracting feminine energy because I'm more ofa aggressor dominant type of person. I
don't know how that's safe. That'swhat keeps her, That's what keeps her.
I just don't I don't know,it's just how I am. Well,
(04:58):
I say forced, you've had tolike play more than one role.
But I've been like that since Iwas a kid, Like I've always took
lead. I've always like you knowwhat I mean, Yeah, that doesn't
really work for relationships. It reallydoesn't. Like sometimes you're giving the situations
and you like, yeah, maybethis is the best the mechanic's face,
but I'm I'm just absorbing things.So Una, I honestly like myself,
(05:27):
I'm a fixer obviously. So mything is is that if somebody is also
the type to take charge and wantto actually come up with a solution to
things, is trying to kind oflike you call it masculine energy, I
don't really call it that. You'rejust trying to find a solution make your
life easier. So like to tryto say something like I attract feminine dudes
(05:51):
or feminine energy is bullshit. Youjust you just basically have managed to figure
it out on your own. Maybeyou are attracted tom as dudes. What
I mean by feminine energy. WhatI mean is like, for example,
I typically used to try to gofor the alpha male. What I thought
(06:13):
was the alpha male. Really it'sjust us butting heads because you don't know
how to be submissive. Essentially,it's not that I don't know how to.
I refuse to to someone I don'ttrust. It's not a matter of
trust. It is I have totrust the person. I think so because
at the end of the day,I think, like I'm allowed to,
(06:36):
I would display, you know,a lot of masculine traits I do,
even in in in the degree thatI'm pursuing. It's it's typically male.
Even in the sports. I wantedto play repair things that I've done.
But at the end of the day, I I do defer to the mechanic
(06:57):
for like those big decisions, andI really trust him to help to really
set the tone for our family,and I trust him to do that,
and honestly, we usually come tothat resolution together. But I don't.
I I can't even say that Iwould allow someone else to even And I
(07:18):
think a lot of it is likesurvival and growing up and having to be
you know, make grown up decisionsat a young age or else. You
know, you don't eat and eatbeing a metaphor for you know, money
and what have you. You justyou have to be very sure of yourself
and your decisions and your direction evenif you are wrong, just because if
(07:39):
you missed up you know, youdon't eat, your family doesn't eat,
and then so to give somebody thattrust, Yeah, I get that that
definitely resonates with me. That mightnot resonate with him because he's that person,
Like it comes right because he's Butif you're with someone who's not a
problem solver, who relies on youto do all the problem with them,
(08:03):
how exactly is that somebody that isquote unquote Alpha. That's what I'm saying.
But in know, honestly that meansthat that that that maybe you should
be a bit more mindful of whoyou're selecting. Trust me, I figured
that out. Like the fact ofthe matter is is that like if you
(08:24):
if you're attracted and you're attracting likedudes that are just they're not problem solvers,
they're not trying to actually come upwith solutions for anything, then that's
what you're gonna get. Well,that's what I'm saying. Like I was,
I think seeing Alpha in a differentway than what Alpha should have meant,
you know what I mean. Like, so I'm thinking, Oh,
(08:45):
they're like, oh, I'm aman, I'm gonna take the trashy,
I'm gonna do this. I'm gonnado that cocky, arrogant like, that's
the traits I was getting. Ifyou got it, you got it.
You're not flowing, pushing it,You're not none of that ship. It's
more or less you are just you'reyou. If somebody else don't like it,
they can go to hell. Becausewhen you're with a quote unquote alpha,
(09:07):
they don't have to tell anyone thatthey're they don't they and people people
can feel that energy. Yeah,and people kind of like you know,
as as you would, I guessquote unquote in alpha, you you tend
to bound down to it, andyou tend to you tend to be submissed
to it. But I feel notjust as a man as you're trying them
(09:28):
to leave their actions, their theiraura, they're they're yeah, definitely all
right, So this conversation went left. Yeah something. Sometimes when situations like
That's why David is kind of scarythough, because you don't how do you
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know how many how much time youwaste trying to figure out if somebody's whoever
trained to be oh, you willjust come off as like themselves all the
time. That's saying because if that'sif you're a man, that's not in
the standard of a female and youknow that's not really your lane. It's
like, but that's what you want. I've seen people fake it till they
make it, and I think that'sthe same as for women and for women
(10:11):
and men like faking it. Butthat's because people are too scared to ask
the hard questions because you come offand I don't even think it's she's like
trying to marry me tomorrow, Likeno, I'm just not trying to waste
my time. So I'm trying toget through the important questions early. And
that's what I changed in my datingstyle, and I feel like, you
(10:33):
know, it helped me immensely findsomeone that's closer to what I'm looking for
than what I've gotten. Well,when you say questions, I feel like
people aren't like genuine offer even ifyou're asking questions. And I think I
think, like as myself a female, because I don't know from a male
perspective, I had to definitely learnto like make peace with actions as opposed
(10:56):
to like to like someone admitting ortelling me something that I didn't that I
wanted to hear, but that theyknew was going to hurt me. And
I was like just just tell me, just be upfront me, just you
know, and just taking their actionsfor what it was, like they didn't
give a fuck about me, likelike they should and and you know,
(11:16):
you really they could say whatever,they could say, whatever you want to
hear. And it's really I thinkI think those those actions don't start coming
out so like after like eight monthsor a year at least with men from
my perspective, so like eight months, I don't really wait that long,
Like mister mechanics, would you say, a guy if he wants to,
(11:39):
will tell you like it is ifhe's not, it depends what he will
just tell you. So yes andno. So honestly, like like the
first the first thing all day,didn't want that asked? It is what
it is like that's going to be, mister nodding his head. This is
(12:09):
this is where this is where wemake in honesty. Like so I have
I have a different mindset. Myapproach to to dating has always been,
even when I was much younger,was essentially like fucking around babies happened?
(12:30):
Can I be possibly? Can Ibe tethered to this person? Possibly?
If there just so happens to bea mishead for the rest of my life.
I'm not a dead beat. I'mgoing to be that person. So
my thing is is that that thatright then and there, like I have
a quick cut off. If Isee a red flag, I'm like,
(12:50):
all right, we're done. Sheknows because you try to get away from
sure as hell did wait what Iwould like to hear it? I mean,
but that's the thing, is thatmore or less. It's like it's
a matter of I personally, I'malways very honest. I try to keep
(13:11):
it a buck right off rip,and that's it. If it's somebody that
I'm just trying to hit it andquit it, that's that's just not me.
That's not But I think his honestyas a male, I believe,
and he could speak on it more. I think it comes from like trauma
and what shaped him and how hewanted to be and who he wanted to
be in a relationship because of whathe saw growing up. And so at
(13:31):
the end of the day, I'mstill a man. And so yeah,
first first, like right off thehip, like first trick. The thing
is it's like like, yeah,I want to tear that sh it up,
but but yeah, then I endup finding out it's probably a bad
idea or not? Yeah, exactlyexactly. Can I be stuck with this
person forever in the day? Whatdo you think is better than me?
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Because I don't even think that forit. I don't think like can I
stay with this person? I'm noteven thinking that work condoms. So when
I'm going there, I come nearto tear it up. How many children
do you have? Four? Okayisrelationships another relationship? So when I'm when
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I'm in a relationship, this islike, this is what I'm saying.
You don't realize how much time youwaste sometimes thinking that something is what you
think is going to be, youknow what I'm saying. So when you're
thinking as far as can I youknow, telling myself with this person for
the rest of my life, I'vehad that feeling four times and I'm not
with none of them. Good foryou, you know what I'm saying.
(14:35):
Like, and it takes time tolearn from mistakes, like not saying my
kids are But you know, it'slike the females sometimes don't like you never
really know who a female is untilyou have a kid with them because you're
your person that of course, likeanybody, you learn, you learn people
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when you look the different stuff,like, well, yeah, I'm not
like I'm not like the person that'slike perfect. A lot of times it
was like it was me. Sometimesnobody is except for the mechanic, right,
I have not really been all theway one hundred. That's fair.
(15:20):
Things like you know what I'm saying, and I take accountability for those things.
But that's all that matters. Growingup. Take accountability huge, and
I think just in general in thesubject that we were trying to talk about
conflict, like taking accountability I thinkis huge, especially for somebody to like
(15:43):
forgive you if you're in the wrong, or even for you to forgive someone
else if they're in the wrong.Like as long as you take accountability and
like apologize genuinely, because there's somany fake apologies and people can tell off
the rip it's fake. But likeif you're truly sorry, and then with
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your actions you show that you're sorry, you can't just be generally I'm so
sorry, did it? You pleasegive me another chance, and then you're
doing the same ship over and overand over again. Then the accountability means
nothing. But like I would haveso much more respect off especially the people
that cheated on me. If theywere just straight up like I apologize,
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I'm sorry, I fucked up,I did that, and then we could
maybe be cool after that, youknow what I mean, not necessarily together,
but like so I mean, Idon't hold grudges anymore. I really
(16:45):
don't. Like at the end ofthe day, what happened happened. You
just move on. So I thinkwhat you said is important too, because
like when we're talking about conflict resolution, like it is important and like we're
not perfect, and you said likegetting like sometimes people have to get things
off their chest, and I don'tthink you should be in a relationship where
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there is no conflict. I thinkyou are gonna like, over time,
there is gonna be things that youresent about somebody. There is gonna be
things that like make you feel torndown, like because of their actions and
have you and you just kind oflike being able to, you know,
get through that conflict in a healthymanner is important, and there should be
conflicts. I'm eager. I feellike there should be. But you also
(17:30):
have to create a safe space,yes, absolutely, for someone to come
to you and be able to havethose hard conversations. If you don't have
the comfortability with that person one,I don't. I feel like there's all
these different things that make up theperfect relationship. But like for me,
number one is communication before anything else, because if I don't feel comfortable talking
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to you, then that's when I'mon I might be on my bullshit,
you know what I mean, becauseI don't feel not that I'm saying I'm
doing anything crazy, but if Idon't feel comfortable coming and talking to you,
then you know there's a disconnect there, and that's when I think that's
when the bad arguments happen or thebad things happen. Like, if there's
(18:18):
that disconnect, you have to feelconnected to your partner. So I guess
like maybe to like talk a littlebit about us and what I know from
like it's like healthy relationships and nothealthy. Well, first, like when
you talk about perfect relationships, ofcourse there's no such thing, but definitely
healthy relationships apps the Positivolutely, Ifeel like relationships are definitely very like fluid.
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They're constantly moving and evolving, andyou really have to keep trying to
connect with that person and who theyare at the moment because we're always changing,
of course, But to I guessto speak on like some of the
things we went through. I know, like I think we all come with
baggage from where we come from,whether that's how we were raise or the
relationships that we've been in. AndI know I came from a place where,
(19:04):
like you know, I'm yelling andscreaming and I'm just like, I'm
just like, understand me, andI just want to get a point across.
And my way of getting a pointacross is just like screaming and like
like cussing and yelling and what haveyou. And then he's like, no,
I'm good, and then he'll justleave the house. That's not a
fact communication exactly. Well that wasmany many years many her communication, and
(19:30):
you're just I didn't entertain it.So if so, if if she basically
kind of would bug out or anythinglike that, I'd be like, yeah,
I'm gonna wait for you to calmthe fuck down. Yeah, because
if you don't, if you don'tcalm down, I'm just we're not talking
about anything. And here, you'reright, like having those uncomfortable like conversations,
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you need to have somebody that's likethat's that has a cool head.
Both of you. I have tolike, there's no way nobody wants to
go ahead and have a talk withanybody when it's already escalated. Right at
that point. Now everybody's adversarial.There's no conversation happening. It's just yell.
Here's the thing, like my cycleass. I'm like, I want
(20:15):
you to be here while I'm angry, and he's like, I ain't gonna
be here while you're screaming at me, and I'm like, okay, so
I'll just be angry. So itevolved, right, it went from me
being like for me like yelling andscreaming to try to get my point across
to me just like fuming and likenot talking and me not saying anything.
But I was like, please,don't like take off, Like I don't
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want that, Like I want youto like be here. I don't just
want you to leave. And he'slike, well, like you're not going
to sit here and like scream andyell at me, And I'm like,
okay, so I'll just have steamcoming out my ears. That's fine.
Like that that was our Like thatwas our like how we came mat in
the middle. And then like asI've grown older, I think it's gotten
(20:56):
to a place where it's it's wereally we love each other so much and
we've been together so long that weknow that whatever we're trying to get across,
whatever we're feeling, we're not tryingto hurt each other. So it's
almost like we're taking the anger outof this. We're taking the hurt out
of the situation. And we cantalk about it, or we can be
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like, just give us a momentto process and we can be in the
same house and what have you andjust process and then come back to talk
about it. And it will beheated and it will be it will be
like an environment definitely thick with likelike a lot of feelings and emotion.
But we can talk about it.We try. I'm very passionate, so
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if I feel I can't really stopand think about it, well, that's
That's one of the things I wasgonna say. If you have too much
emotion, too much passion, itis not a good time to talk.
Yeah, you gotta wait. AndI don't know about you, mister b
but like I ask my therapist,like, what is a good time like
(22:02):
to wait on it? Like what'stoo long or what's too short or whatever.
And because there's always been that sayingyou don't want to go to sleep
angry. But sometimes, depending onhow big the conflict is, she goes
twenty four hours should be more thanenough time to think on it, contemplate
(22:22):
on it. So you're not saying, like what's on your mind then and
there, versus picking your words wisely, so you're not saying something hurtful.
Like so, mister b what doyou think when you get into conflict?
Are you the type of person youhave to sit and marinate for a minute
or you rather get it out thatlike then and there. I'm pretty much
(22:45):
a blatant person. So but onething I never do, like when I'm
having conflict they say hurtful shito becauseI understand, like I know, it's
like words cut like knives. Yes, so we could be at high tempers
and I can say something that youcould never forgive me for and I can't
take it back because the hurt's alreadydone, no matter how much it's like,
oh you know, I was justupset. It's like when you said
(23:07):
it, you know what I'm saying, Like, so it's no taking trick.
So I don't even to get toyour point, I never really had
a thought on my mind of therapybecause I don't I don't see the cause
for it, because if we're bothadults and it's like an understanding thing,
we don't need somebody from the outsideto tell us what's going on. But
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it has nothing to do with that. What it is is I had horrific
communication, terrible, That's what I'msaying. From the how I was raised,
how the things I've been through,I didn't realize until way too far
down the line, because in mygeneration, being forty, you were always
(23:48):
told only crazy people go to atherapist, like people will have, like
you know, serious mental issues,they go to therapists. So it was
always frowned upon. And when Iwish to God my mother had took me
to one when I was younger,because I would have been a whole different
person now and even just in thelast year. My serrapist tells me every
(24:10):
day, like, I'm so proudof you and what you've accomplished in the
last year, because I was contributingto those terrible relationships by not being able
to communicate my needs, not beable to communicate what's hurtful to me,
not be able to communicate like allthe important things that you need to know
(24:30):
about somebody, because for one,I felt like it wasn't a safe space.
But if I would have been abetter communicator and ask more questions,
I wouldn't have been with somebody likethat. And not only that, Like
when we're talking about accountability, likesometimes when you're in when you're with a
person in the day to day,it's hard for them to it's hard for
(24:52):
you to allow them to hold youaccountable, especially since they have a stake
and they have a steak in thegame, Like depending on how you move,
it affects them. Whereas when youhave a neutral third party, they
can kind of call you out onyour bullshit sometimes and you could be like
fuck, Like they can hold amirror to you, Whereas when maybe your
significant other holds a mirror to you, like you guys might already be having
(25:15):
discord or they have they have alike I said, they have a stake
in the game, So like,is it coming from a genuine place?
Is it coming from a place wherethey're trying to gain from it? Whereas
when it's coming from this neutral party, there's there's your therapist is only trying
to gain your overall growth, andso if you're ready for it, you're
(25:37):
allowed to become a better person forit. And and I maybe it's not
for everybody, but it's definitely ahealthy way to like let things out.
And sometimes sometimes it's not even necessarilyreceiving feedback from a therapist. Sometimes sometimes
when you say something out loud,when you're just allowed to speak and say
something out loud and you actually hearit and you're able to process it and
(26:00):
think on it, you can cometo conclusions and solve things like just from
just saying it out loud. Andyou don't necessarily have that chance if you're
not going to therapy, if you'relike in the day to day or if
you're in your relationship, you don'thave that chance to really say it out
loud and process it. Okay,I feel like this right when you like
it's no such thing as a perfectrelationship, but the closest to perfect would
(26:23):
be having a best friend before apartner like you. I want somebody that's
going to be my friend too,like you be my friend first. Know,
if you're my friend first, thenyou know me better than anybody,
so understanding between me and you ina conversation where I know like this is
a this can be a deal breaker, like having conflict with my other I'm
(26:45):
going to sit here and listen toyou, like being a good listener.
That that's like a big thing ina relationship, you know what I mean.
You got to be able to likebe a listener and hear your partner
out on things that you feel cansolve the conflict, you know what I'm
saying. Instead of just being aso that want to be argumentative, I
don't want to be that. Iwant to be somebody that makes you comfortable
of them, so I can bea therapist, like I'm saying, even
(27:07):
though some of the problems might beme, tell me what's wrong with me,
Like don't allow me to just bethis person you know it's something wrong
with me and not saying it soI can fix it, Like you know
what I'm saying, Like because sometimesmen are simple, like I've been telling
you, men are incredibly All youhave to do is just tell me,
Like just tell me, like whereI'm going wrong, and I'll fix that
to make our situation work. Sometimeswe don't even like get what's wrong,
(27:27):
like I said, like if you'regoing everything we do. But there's men
who want to change it, andthere's men that don't. I think,
I think not every woman does.And so that's kind of where you get
that like flying off the handle overlittle shit because they can't woman or man,
they can't quite pinpoint what's really botheringthem, and so I don't think
(27:48):
I don't think not everybody. Ithink people can pinpoint what's bothering I know
it's bothering me, what about you? I mean everything about me is basically
trying to pinpoint problem. So that'sthat's what I've been doing for the last
twenty years. Sont. But hecan even speak on like prior relationships where
like maybe we're absolutely but not eventhat. We're like, we're like,
(28:11):
the problem wasn't necessarily voice to you? Yeah you didn't, really that was
that was when about different? SimpleNo, someone, mister mechanic. It
bothers me when you don't listen.You either can change that behavior or not.
It's all that needs to be said. But you ladies don't open your
mouths. That's that's true. That'sbecause the people who don't voice their opinion
(28:36):
have bad communication. And that's wheretherapy helps, because you learn how to
be a better communicator, which I'msorry when it's the accountability problem, the
men are always a point of that, like you don't take accountability. But
if you're sitting here just saying likea female just doesn't know how to tell
(29:00):
you what's wrong, then that's theproblem with you taking accountability. So it
doesn't have anything to do with them. Now you know what that is because
the girls going and talking to hergirlfriends others, and the girlfriends are like,
you're you're in the right, he'sin the wrong. Why are you
listening to your friend who has nothingto open very much get into that.
(29:21):
Half the time it's like and shefeels like he should be a mind reader.
And when we talk about like Ithink one of the things that like
attracted the mechanic Akay mister perfect tome is because even if even if I
was wrong and how I was feeling, I could I could maybe I lashed
(29:44):
out as some like small bullshit andin the interim, but at the end
of the day, I could likepinpoint how it was feeling and be like,
hey, this is this and that, this is what pissed me off,
this is what made me upset,this is how it made me feel,
and he really respected that because hedidn't get that from his prior relationship
ship. And I think one ofthe things that definitely attracted me to him
(30:08):
is that, like I had beenin relationships prior where I would be like,
hey, this, I don't likethis, like this is bullshit,
and they'd be like okay, I'msorry and would never change it or yeah,
or they would be like or theywould be like no, like you're
wrong, Whereas with him, Iwould I would be able to voice that
(30:30):
and let him know because as theyas they said, like, we're simple
creatures. If you can, Iknow that they don't want to get nagged
about every little thing, because ifthey're gonna get in trouble for everything,
they're gonna be like, fuck it, I'm gonna do whatever I want.
But if you can really pinpoint what'sbothering you, talk about it, discuss
it, then they're usually opening toopen to listening. So I drink a
(30:51):
lot so I could tell him that, and then I don't or where I
was going. I'm sorry enough,honestly, Like so I tried. I
tried, y'all. So like I'malways you know, willing to listen and
if anything is it's reasonable and logical. I'm there for it. Oh yeah,
(31:15):
I will. I will call itwrong. I remember. He'll be
like, that's funny. He'll belike so on some things he would not
only say like, oh this isI get it, this is reasonable.
He would fucking change the behavior whichI didn't see. I hadn't seen before.
I hadn't experienced that before, andthat was fucking awesome. I was
like, okay, cool. Andthen on other things that I would be
(31:37):
like, I don't like this,he'd be like, I understand where you're
coming from, understand why you feelthat way. I hear you. I'm
still gonna be doing this ship becausethe X y Z. I'm like,
wait a second, I like,who are you? Like, excuse you?
And he'd be like nah, likelike I get it, and I
get what you feel that way,but you're wrong. And I'm like,
I'm like, oh my god,like how dare you? But I kind
of like that ship wait a second, because he wasn't like super nice,
(32:02):
always supports me, always helps mewith what I got to do, but
he don't like if you don't.He's immovable sometimes, I guess be the
word he said, you know it'sso crazy to me. Like sometimes like
I feel like being in a relationship, it's like you have to be a
selfless person, see who you are? You aren't because I don't think you
(32:23):
have to be selfless, but youhave to be able to. As a
man, you kind of have haveto. Like I feel like my only
job as your man would be tomake it like this is a simple situation.
Just stop me if I'm wrong.If you're my other and I get
up every day, chase my moneyand do everything to make you happy,
(32:45):
right, and if you do thesame thing, how are we going wrong?
You can't go wrong if you're compromisingby both putting the same amount of
effort in where relationships and bad conflict, I'm gonna say bad because every there's
good conflict. I feel like there'sgood conflict. But like when there's bad
(33:06):
conflict, it's because there's two peoplenot on the same page, so once
putting more effort than the other,or you didn't ask those important questions in
the beginning and now you're just likeletting the wave ride, which happens a
lot. And it's like I started, And there's also you're in two different
(33:30):
places in your life. There's thepeople who are just trying to have fun,
and then there's people who are datingwith attention. You got to figure
out what you're dealing with, howyou're going to proceed dealing with them,
and if that's something you want tocontinue on. Because I'm at a point
in my life. I've had myfun, I've done all that. Now
I'm dating with attention. Like notto say I necessarily want to get married
(33:52):
again, but I'm trying to findthat life partner. So now I'm asking
the hard questions from day one becauseI'm not wasting my time anymore trying to
figure you out or learn you inlike as we go along, because that
can take months. You have todo that, especially if you know.
(34:13):
But there's times like especially like Ihave fifty million careers. The person i'm
seeing I'm not seeing often, Sothat's one thing. They have to have
extreme patience with me. And that'snot something that you get from the typical
alpha male quote unquote like and that'swhy I feel like I do better with
(34:35):
someone who is more chill, morerelaxed, more I'll move when you move
type of thing, like, Andyou know it's I didn't think it was
ever possible that I would ever findthat, but it turns out I did,
so like super happy, I wouldimagine that like at our age,
(34:57):
you know, a dude would actuallykind of appreciate that. Nope, the
only reason they do. The onlyreason why I say that is because in
all honestly, like like with her, she saw how I was busting my
ass, and so you know,she decided to try to match my energy.
So realistically, like the idea thatlike you're doing a billion jobs and
(35:23):
you know, basically that is whata man is expected to do off for
it is to bus ass, youknow, support you support the family and
everything. And if he ends upseeing that and he can't like appreciate that,
then that's that's he's a lame.But in all honesty, like you
(35:44):
know, it's it's kind of crazythat that, like you're having issues finding
somebody that doesn't necessarily notice that.But I you you you put the nail
on the head when you said matchmy energy. She matches my energy,
and that's the problem I was findingpeople, But she confirmed no matter how
(36:07):
long it took. But like inspiredinspired I think I think being around his
family because it's not just him,it felt like it felt like almost a
current. It helped me understand thatI could succeed. Like it came more
from that because it was never likeI was never a lazy person. It
(36:28):
was more like, I think,depending on our upbringing, failure means again,
we don't eat. Failure means wedon't have money coming in. Failure
means there there's gonna be a bigfucking issue in our household. So to
fail is a fucking issue. AndI think being around his family helped me
to understand that if I failed,that it was going to be okay.
(36:50):
So that allowed me in that safespace exactly. So that allowed me the
space in order to grow and pushfor more and too succeed as opposed to
like not wanting it before more tolike understand that I could achieve it and
I could be allowed to fall andget back up right and then like I
don't know what else, well,I mean, but the fact of the
(37:13):
matter is is that you actually putyourself out there and that attempted to potentially
fail, but but keep pushing forward. So it's a matter of just more
or less. Right, But we'regonna call this, We're going to call
this what it is. You wasyou was to drive for her. Oh,
I mean you know what I'm saying, Like sometimes people don't and it's
a lot of time. I don'tknow at all, but I know a
(37:36):
couple of things. And I know, like when you have a guy that
gives you drive like that, showhim that you appreciate it. That's all.
That's all. Like a guy,because us like a good guy,
show me being the person that Iam. So honestly, it came from
being It came more from like heis amazing at his trade and at what
(37:57):
he does, and he is amaster what he does, which is awesome
and definitely plays the part. Butlike seeing all these like women his family,
seeing all these like strong, likehigh level women achieving what they needed
to achieve and being around them,they were more of a current and a
driving force for me. And seeinghim being a master of his craft that
(38:19):
was also a driving force for me. And appreciation I think definitely plays a
big part. I think men definitelywant to be appreciated. And I think
when you think of a strong womanwoman and a woman doing like ten thousand
jobs, I think sometimes maybe aman, especially like when you bring ego
into it, a man has ahard time finding their space and where they
(38:43):
can feel appreciated. And I'm notsaying I'm not saying right or wrong or
what have you. I'm just sayingsometimes they're like they may feel like underappreciated
because you're just fucking handling it onyour own where they want to like maybe
bring something to the table and feellike appreciated for it and might know.
Tell me if I'm I don't livethat life, I don't know he's talking
(39:06):
about. Listen, real men carrythe weight of the world on our shoulders,
and we're trying to complain like thisis just like this is my purpose,
you know what I'm saying. Soif I'm being like the man that
if I see you at work andI'm not only taking out trash paying bills,
I go to the grocery store bymyself, do the shopping, might
(39:29):
do the cooking. Like you know, like there's no there's no roles really
in raceship. It's just and thereshouldn't be. Do what I see you
lacking that so we could just jail, you know what I'm saying. But
it doesn't like that, mister Band the mechanic. We got some real
men in this studio you over thereto a I know problem. No,
(39:54):
but like in my personal life ithas always been an issue about me being
the driving force. So it wasn'tuntil like my ex husband actually told me
like straight up, like you mademe feel demasculated because you were doing the
(40:16):
most and I couldn't catch up.So but like, do you ever feel
like that, like demasculated like farand few between. If I'm doing like
ten thousand US, are you girlget it? No? No? Well
yeah no, when it comes towork or whatever, go ahead, make
(40:37):
that money. But realistically, likeif you end up doing anything in particular
that that that ends up bothering meor whatever, I'll voice it, but
real quick, I'll be like,yay, can be talking to me like
that. That's that doesn't fly.But I think you think a little bit
differently also, and you are experiencedwith like others talking about like ego,
egos and pride. I don't thinkit has anything to do with ego,
(40:59):
no, because like I've dealt witha lot of people that rather me be
the breadwinner and they just sit backand relax. So that I'm just saying
like that's kind of how like themasculine role in me has always just gone
(41:21):
off. But that doesn't mean onbecause primal level that they don't feel like
like they're not they don't feel likebecause I feel like, like I know
you're amazing, Like I know you'reamazing, Like no one has to tell
me you're welcome. I feel likeI don't have to, like like I
don't. I wish I didn't haveto tell you because I feel like you
should know you're fucking amazing, andI know you're amazing. But I think
(41:44):
whether regardless of whether whether the manhas a lot, whether he has a
lot going on for himself or not. See, but I don't look at
that. But it doesn't matter bethat couple where But if you found each
other while we're broken, we builttogether. But if not for me to
go because I know I have alegacy waiting and you can get into that
(42:06):
bag and you rather have someone whowe build together, then I'm not over
here. Oh I need this manand go pay my bills. Oh I
need this man and go do that, which we know plenty of those bitches.
But I can't be that person.I just cannot be that because the
thing I'm setting myself up to bekind of sugar, sugar, daddy sugar.
(42:32):
But like so and I honestand so, I mean, like it really
depends on whether or not, likeyou said, you had an issue like
trusting the dudes or whatever, soyou kind of probably just look down on
them because you have this masculine energy, you know, so you call it.
(42:52):
So the question is is that canyou in any way, shape or
form, especially like since you actuallybeen seeing the therapist and whatnot, could
you potentially see yourself kind of beinga bit more feminine, letting the man
kind of do something or is itjust can match my energy because it's solely
(43:12):
with it's not about money. Idon't care if you work at McDonald's.
I don't care where the fuck youwork, as long as you're trying to
build something for your life, Likeyou have goals, like you're trying to
climb the lat ambitious. Be ambitious. You can't be I'm climbing the ladder.
You're at the bottom of the ladder. I can't carry you as my
(43:36):
weight. So for me, it'sjust like if you're moving along whatever steps
it takes, it doesn't have tobe strides. I'm not where I want
to be. I'm not saying herepretending like I am where I need to
be financially. But we're building together, we're moving together, we're working as
a partnership to get to where wewant to be. But if I'm doing
(43:58):
everything and you're doing absolutely nothing toget there, that's when it's a problem
for me. So I can't Ican't speak as a man, but I
know like and towards like more towardsthe beginning of our relationship, I definitely
resented like the mechanic when he likehe's like a master at his at his
craft and he can like he canlike do what he has to do and
(44:22):
make money up here whatever, andnot only that, like his his presence's
personality, everything, And I feltso insecure at like what I hadn't achieved
in life. That is like becauseof what I hadn't achieved, like I
did resent him like I did resenthim as And that's like that's like being
(44:44):
a being a strong woman at thatwhere I'm willing to like bust my ass,
I'll work two jobs, I'll beI'll be a good mom, this
and that. But it's like he'sbringing so much to this table and even
myself I definitely felt like resentful becauseI felt like I couldn't give that much
at the table and it and likeI said, so that's probably what he
(45:05):
meant by feeling demasculated because I'm tryingto get there, but I can't move
as fast as you're moving. Andif you've had a heart upbringing, like
maybe not as a man, butif you had a heart upbringing, you
can probably resonate with me where it'slike you have to be like on your
grind and you have to be likerunning and hustling and whatever. And so
even though yeah, so even soeven if you live here, even if
(45:30):
you have incomes coming in, soeven if you're not like a man,
you'll you can definitely feel like insecureabout like what you're like bringing to the
table. I mean, the mainthing that would actually uh that that that
that makes us feel like failures iswhen we notice that you're not okay,
if you're if you're not happy,you're not okay or anything like that.
That's that's when we end up kindof feeling some type of way as a
(45:52):
man. So if if she's complaininga bit excessively, then I'll just be
like, all right, well I'mfucking up I'll carry that ship because that's
what men do, good men atleast, and then we have to attempt
to fix it. But if youwas, if you weren't working, if
I was the only one working,and then we were and we were for
(46:13):
for a reason, for whatever,I don't know what the fuck. But
if I was the only one workingand we were a little stressed and we
were struggling, Like, how wouldthat? How would like? Would you
resent me if I was the oneholding it together? Like, would you
like in a financial sense? Yeah, yeah, I'd put in work in
any other way possible, But realisticallyI'll probably still feel like I'm falling short.
(46:38):
Yeah, I would still. Sowe're gonna put a pin in that,
and we are going to bring upfinancial status in our next episode,
and we're gonna bring everybody back becauseI feel like this is too much for
one episode. We definitely need tomake a part two because this is important,
good stuff that we're talking about.Bye everybody, good night girl what
(47:09):
girl? No, I don't liketo do that. It's me on the ba
Mm hmmm, No, I don'tlike to do that. Welcome to Dirty
(00:43):
Tea Podcast. Is your girl v. Savage in the building and we have
some new guests today. First ofall, I'm gonna introduce the fan favorite
mister b a k A. Misterbombast here here, I'm here. And
(01:06):
then we have back Melby. Hi, it's Melle mel I'm here against my
will son help help or cash eitheror you know whatever, so you can
cash up Milby Dirty Tea Podcast.And then we have the mechanic a ka
mister perfect. All right, butyeah, I'm exactly why I Melby don't
(01:34):
exactly want to be here. Theywon't hold it against It's gonna be fine.
It'll be fine. That's why we'rehere today. Drink healthy. Well,
we'll try to learn healthy conflict.If anything, will learn how to
end the conflict one way or another. So the episode is it's about conflict
(01:56):
in relationship, okay, and howto Maybe we can try to give hints
on how to avoid it, butlet's focus on how to resolve it,
because you can't avoid conflict forever.It's natural. It's a part of relationships.
If you guys were this same exactperson, you wouldn't be together.
(02:19):
You know, there's got to besome ying to the age. They should
just agree with everything you're saying,then they wouldn't be No, I'm kidding.
Happy life is happy life and ina perfect world. But we don't
always like that either. I feellike someone who's too agreeable. You think
they're just a pussy. Yeah,essentially yeast, but pussy is pretty well
(02:46):
they Yeah, nobody wants that.Somebody with a little backbone that can,
you know, fend for themselves.You can't be like at the end of
the day, I think I thinkwe're definitely attracted to someone who can put
their foot down. Yeah's alpha males? Alpha males, that's only beta male?
Say alpha male? What's a betamale? Heard me say that?
(03:07):
Ship? I haven't heard that.I'm just bothering you, mister, just
bothering. But what what's a betamale? I don't know. That is
the extra parts below the alpha.I don't know. I don't, I
don't. I don't go with thosethose terms. It just seems silly as
(03:28):
hell. Is the way that somebody, uh that probably feels inferior needs to
kind of pump themselves up and thenwe should put upon it and sounds like
that's a whole other episode. Ofcourse she's being annoying. She just started.
She's doing how many many pens?Is? I got drinks? All
(03:52):
right? There's a pen in eachnip. But I mean there's definitely,
like I don't know if you guysare into like astrology, charting or whatever,
but there's definitely people with more feminineenergy versus masculine. So I'm wondering.
Yeah, so I'm wondering. There'sliterally like a scale for it.
(04:14):
So like I personally have like eightout of ten, ten being the most
masculine energy. I don't have anyfeminine energy, which makes sense. That's
not cool. Yeah, I feellike that's more like the role you've been
forced into more than But I don'tthink it's I was forced in it.
I think I didn't realize that Ihad that type of energy. So I'm
(04:36):
attracting feminine energy because I'm more ofa aggressor dominant type of person. I
don't know how that's safe. That'swhat keeps her, That's what keeps her.
I just don't I don't know,it's just how I am. Well,
(04:58):
I say forced, you've had tolike play more than one role.
But I've been like that since Iwas a kid, Like I've always took
lead. I've always like you knowwhat I mean, Yeah, that doesn't
really work for relationships. It reallydoesn't. Like sometimes you're giving the situations
and you like, yeah, maybethis is the best the mechanic's face,
but I'm I'm just absorbing things.So Una, I honestly like myself,
(05:27):
I'm a fixer obviously. So mything is is that if somebody is also
the type to take charge and wantto actually come up with a solution to
things, is trying to kind oflike you call it masculine energy, I
don't really call it that. You'rejust trying to find a solution make your
life easier. So like to tryto say something like I attract feminine dudes
(05:51):
or feminine energy is bullshit. Youjust you just basically have managed to figure
it out on your own. Maybeyou are attracted tom as dudes. What
I mean by feminine energy. WhatI mean is like, for example,
I typically used to try to gofor the alpha male. What I thought
(06:13):
was the alpha male. Really it'sjust us butting heads because you don't know
how to be submissive. Essentially,it's not that I don't know how to.
I refuse to to someone I don'ttrust. It's not a matter of
trust. It is I have totrust the person. I think so because
at the end of the day,I think, like I'm allowed to,
(06:36):
I would display, you know,a lot of masculine traits I do,
even in in in the degree thatI'm pursuing. It's it's typically male.
Even in the sports. I wantedto play repair things that I've done.
But at the end of the day, I I do defer to the mechanic
(06:57):
for like those big decisions, andI really trust him to help to really
set the tone for our family,and I trust him to do that,
and honestly, we usually come tothat resolution together. But I don't.
I I can't even say that Iwould allow someone else to even And I
(07:18):
think a lot of it is likesurvival and growing up and having to be
you know, make grown up decisionsat a young age or else. You
know, you don't eat and eatbeing a metaphor for you know, money
and what have you. You justyou have to be very sure of yourself
and your decisions and your direction evenif you are wrong, just because if
(07:39):
you missed up you know, youdon't eat, your family doesn't eat,
and then so to give somebody thattrust, Yeah, I get that that
definitely resonates with me. That mightnot resonate with him because he's that person,
Like it comes right because he's Butif you're with someone who's not a
problem solver, who relies on youto do all the problem with them,
(08:03):
how exactly is that somebody that isquote unquote Alpha. That's what I'm saying.
But in know, honestly that meansthat that that that maybe you should
be a bit more mindful of whoyou're selecting. Trust me, I figured
that out. Like the fact ofthe matter is is that like if you
(08:24):
if you're attracted and you're attracting likedudes that are just they're not problem solvers,
they're not trying to actually come upwith solutions for anything, then that's
what you're gonna get. Well,that's what I'm saying. Like I was,
I think seeing Alpha in a differentway than what Alpha should have meant,
you know what I mean. Like, so I'm thinking, Oh,
(08:45):
they're like, oh, I'm aman, I'm gonna take the trashy,
I'm gonna do this. I'm gonnado that cocky, arrogant like, that's
the traits I was getting. Ifyou got it, you got it.
You're not flowing, pushing it,You're not none of that ship. It's
more or less you are just you'reyou. If somebody else don't like it,
they can go to hell. Becausewhen you're with a quote unquote alpha,
(09:07):
they don't have to tell anyone thatthey're they don't they and people people
can feel that energy. Yeah,and people kind of like you know,
as as you would, I guessquote unquote in alpha, you you tend
to bound down to it, andyou tend to you tend to be submissed
to it. But I feel notjust as a man as you're trying them
(09:28):
to leave their actions, their theiraura, they're they're yeah, definitely all
right, So this conversation went left. Yeah something. Sometimes when situations like
That's why David is kind of scarythough, because you don't how do you
(09:50):
know how many how much time youwaste trying to figure out if somebody's whoever
trained to be oh, you willjust come off as like themselves all the
time. That's saying because if that'sif you're a man, that's not in
the standard of a female and youknow that's not really your lane. It's
like, but that's what you want. I've seen people fake it till they
make it, and I think that'sthe same as for women and for women
(10:11):
and men like faking it. Butthat's because people are too scared to ask
the hard questions because you come offand I don't even think it's she's like
trying to marry me tomorrow, Likeno, I'm just not trying to waste
my time. So I'm trying toget through the important questions early. And
that's what I changed in my datingstyle, and I feel like, you
(10:33):
know, it helped me immensely findsomeone that's closer to what I'm looking for
than what I've gotten. Well,when you say questions, I feel like
people aren't like genuine offer even ifyou're asking questions. And I think I
think, like as myself a female, because I don't know from a male
perspective, I had to definitely learnto like make peace with actions as opposed
(10:56):
to like to like someone admitting ortelling me something that I didn't that I
wanted to hear, but that theyknew was going to hurt me. And
I was like just just tell me, just be upfront me, just you
know, and just taking their actionsfor what it was, like they didn't
give a fuck about me, likelike they should and and you know,
(11:16):
you really they could say whatever,they could say, whatever you want to
hear. And it's really I thinkI think those those actions don't start coming
out so like after like eight monthsor a year at least with men from
my perspective, so like eight months, I don't really wait that long,
Like mister mechanics, would you say, a guy if he wants to,
(11:39):
will tell you like it is ifhe's not, it depends what he will
just tell you. So yes andno. So honestly, like like the
first the first thing all day,didn't want that asked? It is what
it is like that's going to be, mister nodding his head. This is
(12:09):
this is where this is where wemake in honesty. Like so I have
I have a different mindset. Myapproach to to dating has always been,
even when I was much younger,was essentially like fucking around babies happened?
(12:30):
Can I be possibly? Can Ibe tethered to this person? Possibly?
If there just so happens to bea mishead for the rest of my life.
I'm not a dead beat. I'mgoing to be that person. So
my thing is is that that thatright then and there, like I have
a quick cut off. If Isee a red flag, I'm like,
(12:50):
all right, we're done. Sheknows because you try to get away from
sure as hell did wait what Iwould like to hear it? I mean,
but that's the thing, is thatmore or less. It's like it's
a matter of I personally, I'malways very honest. I try to keep
(13:11):
it a buck right off rip,and that's it. If it's somebody that
I'm just trying to hit it andquit it, that's that's just not me.
That's not But I think his honestyas a male, I believe,
and he could speak on it more. I think it comes from like trauma
and what shaped him and how hewanted to be and who he wanted to
be in a relationship because of whathe saw growing up. And so at
(13:31):
the end of the day, I'mstill a man. And so yeah,
first first, like right off thehip, like first trick. The thing
is it's like like, yeah,I want to tear that sh it up,
but but yeah, then I endup finding out it's probably a bad
idea or not? Yeah, exactlyexactly. Can I be stuck with this
person forever in the day? Whatdo you think is better than me?
(13:52):
Because I don't even think that forit. I don't think like can I
stay with this person? I'm noteven thinking that work condoms. So when
I'm going there, I come nearto tear it up. How many children
do you have? Four? Okayisrelationships another relationship? So when I'm when
(14:15):
I'm in a relationship, this islike, this is what I'm saying.
You don't realize how much time youwaste sometimes thinking that something is what you
think is going to be, youknow what I'm saying. So when you're
thinking as far as can I youknow, telling myself with this person for
the rest of my life, I'vehad that feeling four times and I'm not
with none of them. Good foryou, you know what I'm saying.
(14:35):
Like, and it takes time tolearn from mistakes, like not saying my
kids are But you know, it'slike the females sometimes don't like you never
really know who a female is untilyou have a kid with them because you're
your person that of course, likeanybody, you learn, you learn people
(14:56):
when you look the different stuff,like, well, yeah, I'm not
like I'm not like the person that'slike perfect. A lot of times it
was like it was me. Sometimesnobody is except for the mechanic, right,
I have not really been all theway one hundred. That's fair.
(15:20):
Things like you know what I'm saying, and I take accountability for those things.
But that's all that matters. Growingup. Take accountability huge, and
I think just in general in thesubject that we were trying to talk about
conflict, like taking accountability I thinkis huge, especially for somebody to like
(15:43):
forgive you if you're in the wrong, or even for you to forgive someone
else if they're in the wrong.Like as long as you take accountability and
like apologize genuinely, because there's somany fake apologies and people can tell off
the rip it's fake. But likeif you're truly sorry, and then with
(16:03):
your actions you show that you're sorry, you can't just be generally I'm so
sorry, did it? You pleasegive me another chance, and then you're
doing the same ship over and overand over again. Then the accountability means
nothing. But like I would haveso much more respect off especially the people
that cheated on me. If theywere just straight up like I apologize,
(16:23):
I'm sorry, I fucked up,I did that, and then we could
maybe be cool after that, youknow what I mean, not necessarily together,
but like so I mean, Idon't hold grudges anymore. I really
(16:45):
don't. Like at the end ofthe day, what happened happened. You
just move on. So I thinkwhat you said is important too, because
like when we're talking about conflict resolution, like it is important and like we're
not perfect, and you said likegetting like sometimes people have to get things
off their chest, and I don'tthink you should be in a relationship where
(17:07):
there is no conflict. I thinkyou are gonna like, over time,
there is gonna be things that youresent about somebody. There is gonna be
things that like make you feel torndown, like because of their actions and
have you and you just kind oflike being able to, you know,
get through that conflict in a healthymanner is important, and there should be
conflicts. I'm eager. I feellike there should be. But you also
(17:30):
have to create a safe space,yes, absolutely, for someone to come
to you and be able to havethose hard conversations. If you don't have
the comfortability with that person one,I don't. I feel like there's all
these different things that make up theperfect relationship. But like for me,
number one is communication before anything else, because if I don't feel comfortable talking
(17:55):
to you, then that's when I'mon I might be on my bullshit,
you know what I mean, becauseI don't feel not that I'm saying I'm
doing anything crazy, but if Idon't feel comfortable coming and talking to you,
then you know there's a disconnect there, and that's when I think that's
when the bad arguments happen or thebad things happen. Like, if there's
(18:18):
that disconnect, you have to feelconnected to your partner. So I guess
like maybe to like talk a littlebit about us and what I know from
like it's like healthy relationships and nothealthy. Well, first, like when
you talk about perfect relationships, ofcourse there's no such thing, but definitely
healthy relationships apps the Positivolutely, Ifeel like relationships are definitely very like fluid.
(18:41):
They're constantly moving and evolving, andyou really have to keep trying to
connect with that person and who theyare at the moment because we're always changing,
of course, But to I guessto speak on like some of the
things we went through. I know, like I think we all come with
baggage from where we come from,whether that's how we were raise or the
relationships that we've been in. AndI know I came from a place where,
(19:04):
like you know, I'm yelling andscreaming and I'm just like, I'm
just like, understand me, andI just want to get a point across.
And my way of getting a pointacross is just like screaming and like
like cussing and yelling and what haveyou. And then he's like, no,
I'm good, and then he'll justleave the house. That's not a
fact communication exactly. Well that wasmany many years many her communication, and
(19:30):
you're just I didn't entertain it.So if so, if if she basically
kind of would bug out or anythinglike that, I'd be like, yeah,
I'm gonna wait for you to calmthe fuck down. Yeah, because
if you don't, if you don'tcalm down, I'm just we're not talking
about anything. And here, you'reright, like having those uncomfortable like conversations,
(19:52):
you need to have somebody that's likethat's that has a cool head.
Both of you. I have tolike, there's no way nobody wants to
go ahead and have a talk withanybody when it's already escalated. Right at
that point. Now everybody's adversarial.There's no conversation happening. It's just yell.
Here's the thing, like my cycleass. I'm like, I want
(20:15):
you to be here while I'm angry, and he's like, I ain't gonna
be here while you're screaming at me, and I'm like, okay, so
I'll just be angry. So itevolved, right, it went from me
being like for me like yelling andscreaming to try to get my point across
to me just like fuming and likenot talking and me not saying anything.
But I was like, please,don't like take off, Like I don't
(20:36):
want that, Like I want youto like be here. I don't just
want you to leave. And he'slike, well, like you're not going
to sit here and like scream andyell at me, And I'm like,
okay, so I'll just have steamcoming out my ears. That's fine.
Like that that was our Like thatwas our like how we came mat in
the middle. And then like asI've grown older, I think it's gotten
(20:56):
to a place where it's it's wereally we love each other so much and
we've been together so long that weknow that whatever we're trying to get across,
whatever we're feeling, we're not tryingto hurt each other. So it's
almost like we're taking the anger outof this. We're taking the hurt out
of the situation. And we cantalk about it, or we can be
(21:19):
like, just give us a momentto process and we can be in the
same house and what have you andjust process and then come back to talk
about it. And it will beheated and it will be it will be
like an environment definitely thick with likelike a lot of feelings and emotion.
But we can talk about it.We try. I'm very passionate, so
(21:40):
if I feel I can't really stopand think about it, well, that's
That's one of the things I wasgonna say. If you have too much
emotion, too much passion, itis not a good time to talk.
Yeah, you gotta wait. AndI don't know about you, mister b
but like I ask my therapist,like, what is a good time like
(22:02):
to wait on it? Like what'stoo long or what's too short or whatever.
And because there's always been that sayingyou don't want to go to sleep
angry. But sometimes, depending onhow big the conflict is, she goes
twenty four hours should be more thanenough time to think on it, contemplate
(22:22):
on it. So you're not saying, like what's on your mind then and
there, versus picking your words wisely, so you're not saying something hurtful.
Like so, mister b what doyou think when you get into conflict?
Are you the type of person youhave to sit and marinate for a minute
or you rather get it out thatlike then and there. I'm pretty much
(22:45):
a blatant person. So but onething I never do, like when I'm
having conflict they say hurtful shito becauseI understand, like I know, it's
like words cut like knives. Yes, so we could be at high tempers
and I can say something that youcould never forgive me for and I can't
take it back because the hurt's alreadydone, no matter how much it's like,
oh you know, I was justupset. It's like when you said
(23:07):
it, you know what I'm saying, Like, so it's no taking trick.
So I don't even to get toyour point, I never really had
a thought on my mind of therapybecause I don't I don't see the cause
for it, because if we're bothadults and it's like an understanding thing,
we don't need somebody from the outsideto tell us what's going on. But
(23:27):
it has nothing to do with that. What it is is I had horrific
communication, terrible, That's what I'msaying. From the how I was raised,
how the things I've been through,I didn't realize until way too far
down the line, because in mygeneration, being forty, you were always
(23:48):
told only crazy people go to atherapist, like people will have, like
you know, serious mental issues,they go to therapists. So it was
always frowned upon. And when Iwish to God my mother had took me
to one when I was younger,because I would have been a whole different
person now and even just in thelast year. My serrapist tells me every
(24:10):
day, like, I'm so proudof you and what you've accomplished in the
last year, because I was contributingto those terrible relationships by not being able
to communicate my needs, not beable to communicate what's hurtful to me,
not be able to communicate like allthe important things that you need to know
(24:30):
about somebody, because for one,I felt like it wasn't a safe space.
But if I would have been abetter communicator and ask more questions,
I wouldn't have been with somebody likethat. And not only that, Like
when we're talking about accountability, likesometimes when you're in when you're with a
person in the day to day,it's hard for them to it's hard for
(24:52):
you to allow them to hold youaccountable, especially since they have a stake
and they have a steak in thegame, Like depending on how you move,
it affects them. Whereas when youhave a neutral third party, they
can kind of call you out onyour bullshit sometimes and you could be like
fuck, Like they can hold amirror to you, Whereas when maybe your
significant other holds a mirror to you, like you guys might already be having
(25:15):
discord or they have they have alike I said, they have a stake
in the game, So like,is it coming from a genuine place?
Is it coming from a place wherethey're trying to gain from it? Whereas
when it's coming from this neutral party, there's there's your therapist is only trying
to gain your overall growth, andso if you're ready for it, you're
(25:37):
allowed to become a better person forit. And and I maybe it's not
for everybody, but it's definitely ahealthy way to like let things out.
And sometimes sometimes it's not even necessarilyreceiving feedback from a therapist. Sometimes sometimes
when you say something out loud,when you're just allowed to speak and say
something out loud and you actually hearit and you're able to process it and
(26:00):
think on it, you can cometo conclusions and solve things like just from
just saying it out loud. Andyou don't necessarily have that chance if you're
not going to therapy, if you'relike in the day to day or if
you're in your relationship, you don'thave that chance to really say it out
loud and process it. Okay,I feel like this right when you like
it's no such thing as a perfectrelationship, but the closest to perfect would
(26:23):
be having a best friend before apartner like you. I want somebody that's
going to be my friend too,like you be my friend first. Know,
if you're my friend first, thenyou know me better than anybody,
so understanding between me and you ina conversation where I know like this is
a this can be a deal breaker, like having conflict with my other I'm
(26:45):
going to sit here and listen toyou, like being a good listener.
That that's like a big thing ina relationship, you know what I mean.
You got to be able to likebe a listener and hear your partner
out on things that you feel cansolve the conflict, you know what I'm
saying. Instead of just being aso that want to be argumentative, I
don't want to be that. Iwant to be somebody that makes you comfortable
of them, so I can bea therapist, like I'm saying, even
(27:07):
though some of the problems might beme, tell me what's wrong with me,
Like don't allow me to just bethis person you know it's something wrong
with me and not saying it soI can fix it, Like you know
what I'm saying, Like because sometimesmen are simple, like I've been telling
you, men are incredibly All youhave to do is just tell me,
Like just tell me, like whereI'm going wrong, and I'll fix that
to make our situation work. Sometimeswe don't even like get what's wrong,
(27:27):
like I said, like if you'regoing everything we do. But there's men
who want to change it, andthere's men that don't. I think,
I think not every woman does.And so that's kind of where you get
that like flying off the handle overlittle shit because they can't woman or man,
they can't quite pinpoint what's really botheringthem, and so I don't think
(27:48):
I don't think not everybody. Ithink people can pinpoint what's bothering I know
it's bothering me, what about you? I mean everything about me is basically
trying to pinpoint problem. So that'sthat's what I've been doing for the last
twenty years. Sont. But hecan even speak on like prior relationships where
like maybe we're absolutely but not eventhat. We're like, we're like,
(28:11):
the problem wasn't necessarily voice to you? Yeah you didn't, really that was
that was when about different? SimpleNo, someone, mister mechanic. It
bothers me when you don't listen.You either can change that behavior or not.
It's all that needs to be said. But you ladies don't open your
mouths. That's that's true. That'sbecause the people who don't voice their opinion
(28:36):
have bad communication. And that's wheretherapy helps, because you learn how to
be a better communicator, which I'msorry when it's the accountability problem, the
men are always a point of that, like you don't take accountability. But
if you're sitting here just saying likea female just doesn't know how to tell
(29:00):
you what's wrong, then that's theproblem with you taking accountability. So it
doesn't have anything to do with them. Now you know what that is because
the girls going and talking to hergirlfriends others, and the girlfriends are like,
you're you're in the right, he'sin the wrong. Why are you
listening to your friend who has nothingto open very much get into that.
(29:21):
Half the time it's like and shefeels like he should be a mind reader.
And when we talk about like Ithink one of the things that like
attracted the mechanic Akay mister perfect tome is because even if even if I
was wrong and how I was feeling, I could I could maybe I lashed
(29:44):
out as some like small bullshit andin the interim, but at the end
of the day, I could likepinpoint how it was feeling and be like,
hey, this is this and that, this is what pissed me off,
this is what made me upset,this is how it made me feel,
and he really respected that because hedidn't get that from his prior relationship
ship. And I think one ofthe things that definitely attracted me to him
(30:08):
is that, like I had beenin relationships prior where I would be like,
hey, this, I don't likethis, like this is bullshit,
and they'd be like okay, I'msorry and would never change it or yeah,
or they would be like or theywould be like no, like you're
wrong, Whereas with him, Iwould I would be able to voice that
(30:30):
and let him know because as theyas they said, like, we're simple
creatures. If you can, Iknow that they don't want to get nagged
about every little thing, because ifthey're gonna get in trouble for everything,
they're gonna be like, fuck it, I'm gonna do whatever I want.
But if you can really pinpoint what'sbothering you, talk about it, discuss
it, then they're usually opening toopen to listening. So I drink a
(30:51):
lot so I could tell him that, and then I don't or where I
was going. I'm sorry enough,honestly, Like so I tried. I
tried, y'all. So like I'malways you know, willing to listen and
if anything is it's reasonable and logical. I'm there for it. Oh yeah,
(31:15):
I will. I will call itwrong. I remember. He'll be
like, that's funny. He'll belike so on some things he would not
only say like, oh this isI get it, this is reasonable.
He would fucking change the behavior whichI didn't see. I hadn't seen before.
I hadn't experienced that before, andthat was fucking awesome. I was
like, okay, cool. Andthen on other things that I would be
(31:37):
like, I don't like this,he'd be like, I understand where you're
coming from, understand why you feelthat way. I hear you. I'm
still gonna be doing this ship becausethe X y Z. I'm like,
wait a second, I like,who are you? Like, excuse you?
And he'd be like nah, likelike I get it, and I
get what you feel that way,but you're wrong. And I'm like,
I'm like, oh my god,like how dare you? But I kind
of like that ship wait a second, because he wasn't like super nice,
(32:02):
always supports me, always helps mewith what I got to do, but
he don't like if you don't.He's immovable sometimes, I guess be the
word he said, you know it'sso crazy to me. Like sometimes like
I feel like being in a relationship, it's like you have to be a
selfless person, see who you are? You aren't because I don't think you
(32:23):
have to be selfless, but youhave to be able to. As a
man, you kind of have haveto. Like I feel like my only
job as your man would be tomake it like this is a simple situation.
Just stop me if I'm wrong.If you're my other and I get
up every day, chase my moneyand do everything to make you happy,
(32:45):
right, and if you do thesame thing, how are we going wrong?
You can't go wrong if you're compromisingby both putting the same amount of
effort in where relationships and bad conflict, I'm gonna say bad because every there's
good conflict. I feel like there'sgood conflict. But like when there's bad
(33:06):
conflict, it's because there's two peoplenot on the same page, so once
putting more effort than the other,or you didn't ask those important questions in
the beginning and now you're just likeletting the wave ride, which happens a
lot. And it's like I started, And there's also you're in two different
(33:30):
places in your life. There's thepeople who are just trying to have fun,
and then there's people who are datingwith attention. You got to figure
out what you're dealing with, howyou're going to proceed dealing with them,
and if that's something you want tocontinue on. Because I'm at a point
in my life. I've had myfun, I've done all that. Now
I'm dating with attention. Like notto say I necessarily want to get married
(33:52):
again, but I'm trying to findthat life partner. So now I'm asking
the hard questions from day one becauseI'm not wasting my time anymore trying to
figure you out or learn you inlike as we go along, because that
can take months. You have todo that, especially if you know.
(34:13):
But there's times like especially like Ihave fifty million careers. The person i'm
seeing I'm not seeing often, Sothat's one thing. They have to have
extreme patience with me. And that'snot something that you get from the typical
alpha male quote unquote like and that'swhy I feel like I do better with
(34:35):
someone who is more chill, morerelaxed, more I'll move when you move
type of thing, like, Andyou know it's I didn't think it was
ever possible that I would ever findthat, but it turns out I did,
so like super happy, I wouldimagine that like at our age,
(34:57):
you know, a dude would actuallykind of appreciate that. Nope, the
only reason they do. The onlyreason why I say that is because in
all honestly, like like with her, she saw how I was busting my
ass, and so you know,she decided to try to match my energy.
So realistically, like the idea thatlike you're doing a billion jobs and
(35:23):
you know, basically that is whata man is expected to do off for
it is to bus ass, youknow, support you support the family and
everything. And if he ends upseeing that and he can't like appreciate that,
then that's that's he's a lame.But in all honesty, like you
(35:44):
know, it's it's kind of crazythat that, like you're having issues finding
somebody that doesn't necessarily notice that.But I you you you put the nail
on the head when you said matchmy energy. She matches my energy,
and that's the problem I was findingpeople, But she confirmed no matter how
(36:07):
long it took. But like inspiredinspired I think I think being around his
family because it's not just him,it felt like it felt like almost a
current. It helped me understand thatI could succeed. Like it came more
from that because it was never likeI was never a lazy person. It
(36:28):
was more like, I think,depending on our upbringing, failure means again,
we don't eat. Failure means wedon't have money coming in. Failure
means there there's gonna be a bigfucking issue in our household. So to
fail is a fucking issue. AndI think being around his family helped me
to understand that if I failed,that it was going to be okay.
(36:50):
So that allowed me in that safespace exactly. So that allowed me the
space in order to grow and pushfor more and too succeed as opposed to
like not wanting it before more tolike understand that I could achieve it and
I could be allowed to fall andget back up right and then like I
don't know what else, well,I mean, but the fact of the
(37:13):
matter is is that you actually putyourself out there and that attempted to potentially
fail, but but keep pushing forward. So it's a matter of just more
or less. Right, But we'regonna call this, We're going to call
this what it is. You wasyou was to drive for her. Oh,
I mean you know what I'm saying, Like sometimes people don't and it's
a lot of time. I don'tknow at all, but I know a
(37:36):
couple of things. And I know, like when you have a guy that
gives you drive like that, showhim that you appreciate it. That's all.
That's all. Like a guy,because us like a good guy,
show me being the person that Iam. So honestly, it came from
being It came more from like heis amazing at his trade and at what
(37:57):
he does, and he is amaster what he does, which is awesome
and definitely plays the part. Butlike seeing all these like women his family,
seeing all these like strong, likehigh level women achieving what they needed
to achieve and being around them,they were more of a current and a
driving force for me. And seeinghim being a master of his craft that
(38:19):
was also a driving force for me. And appreciation I think definitely plays a
big part. I think men definitelywant to be appreciated. And I think
when you think of a strong womanwoman and a woman doing like ten thousand
jobs, I think sometimes maybe aman, especially like when you bring ego
into it, a man has ahard time finding their space and where they
(38:43):
can feel appreciated. And I'm notsaying I'm not saying right or wrong or
what have you. I'm just sayingsometimes they're like they may feel like underappreciated
because you're just fucking handling it onyour own where they want to like maybe
bring something to the table and feellike appreciated for it and might know.
Tell me if I'm I don't livethat life, I don't know he's talking
(39:06):
about. Listen, real men carrythe weight of the world on our shoulders,
and we're trying to complain like thisis just like this is my purpose,
you know what I'm saying. Soif I'm being like the man that
if I see you at work andI'm not only taking out trash paying bills,
I go to the grocery store bymyself, do the shopping, might
(39:29):
do the cooking. Like you know, like there's no there's no roles really
in raceship. It's just and thereshouldn't be. Do what I see you
lacking that so we could just jail, you know what I'm saying. But
it doesn't like that, mister Band the mechanic. We got some real
men in this studio you over thereto a I know problem. No,
(39:54):
but like in my personal life ithas always been an issue about me being
the driving force. So it wasn'tuntil like my ex husband actually told me
like straight up, like you mademe feel demasculated because you were doing the
(40:16):
most and I couldn't catch up.So but like, do you ever feel
like that, like demasculated like farand few between. If I'm doing like
ten thousand US, are you girlget it? No? No? Well
yeah no, when it comes towork or whatever, go ahead, make
(40:37):
that money. But realistically, likeif you end up doing anything in particular
that that that ends up bothering meor whatever, I'll voice it, but
real quick, I'll be like,yay, can be talking to me like
that. That's that doesn't fly.But I think you think a little bit
differently also, and you are experiencedwith like others talking about like ego,
egos and pride. I don't thinkit has anything to do with ego,
(40:59):
no, because like I've dealt witha lot of people that rather me be
the breadwinner and they just sit backand relax. So that I'm just saying
like that's kind of how like themasculine role in me has always just gone
(41:21):
off. But that doesn't mean onbecause primal level that they don't feel like
like they're not they don't feel likebecause I feel like, like I know
you're amazing, Like I know you'reamazing, Like no one has to tell
me you're welcome. I feel likeI don't have to, like like I
don't. I wish I didn't haveto tell you because I feel like you
should know you're fucking amazing, andI know you're amazing. But I think
(41:44):
whether regardless of whether whether the manhas a lot, whether he has a
lot going on for himself or not. See, but I don't look at
that. But it doesn't matter bethat couple where But if you found each
other while we're broken, we builttogether. But if not for me to
go because I know I have alegacy waiting and you can get into that
(42:06):
bag and you rather have someone whowe build together, then I'm not over
here. Oh I need this manand go pay my bills. Oh I
need this man and go do that, which we know plenty of those bitches.
But I can't be that person.I just cannot be that because the
thing I'm setting myself up to bekind of sugar, sugar, daddy sugar.
(42:32):
But like so and I honestand so, I mean, like it really
depends on whether or not, likeyou said, you had an issue like
trusting the dudes or whatever, soyou kind of probably just look down on
them because you have this masculine energy, you know, so you call it.
(42:52):
So the question is is that canyou in any way, shape or
form, especially like since you actuallybeen seeing the therapist and whatnot, could
you potentially see yourself kind of beinga bit more feminine, letting the man
kind of do something or is itjust can match my energy because it's solely
(43:12):
with it's not about money. Idon't care if you work at McDonald's.
I don't care where the fuck youwork, as long as you're trying to
build something for your life, Likeyou have goals, like you're trying to
climb the lat ambitious. Be ambitious. You can't be I'm climbing the ladder.
You're at the bottom of the ladder. I can't carry you as my
(43:36):
weight. So for me, it'sjust like if you're moving along whatever steps
it takes, it doesn't have tobe strides. I'm not where I want
to be. I'm not saying herepretending like I am where I need to
be financially. But we're building together, we're moving together, we're working as
a partnership to get to where wewant to be. But if I'm doing
(43:58):
everything and you're doing absolutely nothing toget there, that's when it's a problem
for me. So I can't Ican't speak as a man, but I
know like and towards like more towardsthe beginning of our relationship, I definitely
resented like the mechanic when he likehe's like a master at his at his
craft and he can like he canlike do what he has to do and
(44:22):
make money up here whatever, andnot only that, like his his presence's
personality, everything, And I feltso insecure at like what I hadn't achieved
in life. That is like becauseof what I hadn't achieved, like I
did resent him like I did resenthim as And that's like that's like being
(44:44):
a being a strong woman at thatwhere I'm willing to like bust my ass,
I'll work two jobs, I'll beI'll be a good mom, this
and that. But it's like he'sbringing so much to this table and even
myself I definitely felt like resentful becauseI felt like I couldn't give that much
at the table and it and likeI said, so that's probably what he
(45:05):
meant by feeling demasculated because I'm tryingto get there, but I can't move
as fast as you're moving. Andif you've had a heart upbringing, like
maybe not as a man, butif you had a heart upbringing, you
can probably resonate with me where it'slike you have to be like on your
grind and you have to be likerunning and hustling and whatever. And so
even though yeah, so even soeven if you live here, even if
(45:30):
you have incomes coming in, soeven if you're not like a man,
you'll you can definitely feel like insecureabout like what you're like bringing to the
table. I mean, the mainthing that would actually uh that that that
that makes us feel like failures iswhen we notice that you're not okay,
if you're if you're not happy,you're not okay or anything like that.
That's that's when we end up kindof feeling some type of way as a
(45:52):
man. So if if she's complaininga bit excessively, then I'll just be
like, all right, well I'mfucking up I'll carry that ship because that's
what men do, good men atleast, and then we have to attempt
to fix it. But if youwas, if you weren't working, if
I was the only one working,and then we were and we were for
(46:13):
for a reason, for whatever,I don't know what the fuck. But
if I was the only one workingand we were a little stressed and we
were struggling, Like, how wouldthat? How would like? Would you
resent me if I was the oneholding it together? Like, would you
like in a financial sense? Yeah, yeah, I'd put in work in
any other way possible, But realisticallyI'll probably still feel like I'm falling short.
(46:38):
Yeah, I would still. Sowe're gonna put a pin in that,
and we are going to bring upfinancial status in our next episode,
and we're gonna bring everybody back becauseI feel like this is too much for
one episode. We definitely need tomake a part two because this is important,
good stuff that we're talking about.Bye everybody, good night girl what
(47:09):
girl? No, I don't liketo do that. It's me on the ba
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