September 30, 2021 • 25 mins
How is your relationship with yourself? Do you listen to your desires, respect your boundaries and make time to take care of yourself? Or are you your own worst critic, never seeing yourself as good enough. Instead take all your efforts and accomplishments for granted.
Now I could imagine that some of you may think, “Loving myself? - Ha, that’s easier said than done”. Or maybe you have even tried the self-love tactics, but believe they didn’t actually work for you.
To really be able to love someone, we need to establish a relationship that is grounded in trust, respect, adoration and the desire to be close to that person. Yet, for most of us it seems much easier to create a close relationship with someone else rather than with ourselves.
This is where self discovery comes into play. The truth is we are always way more than we think we are. We just have to take the time to delve into our own selfcare in order to realize that we are in fact worth loving.
Dr Friedemann’s Takeaways:
Intro (00:00)
A Step Forward Toward Self Love (6:39)
Let Go Of Always Putting Yourself Down (10:34)
We Are Always Way More Than We Think We Are (14:11)
Self Appreciation Is A Power (16:47)
5 Love Languages (21:04)
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Friedemann Schaub, MD, PhD, is the award-winning author of The Fear + Anxiety Solution. Dr. Schaub has helped thousands of people with his Personal Breakthrough and Empowerment program to overcome their fear and anxiety by addressing the deeper, subconscious root causes of these emotional challenges.
Are you looking for more from Dr Friedemann? Check out his “Your Accelerated Breakthrough Program” https://drfriedemann.com/breakthrough-program/.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:02):
Okay, let's talk about love, and a specific form of
love. self love. Now, don't rollyour eyes and tell yourself,
that's not for me. I tried it, Ilooked in the mirror, I told
myself, I love myself, thenreally work? Well, it's not easy
(00:22):
to love yourself, I completelygive you that. But it's also not
impossible. Now, you may noteven know how much you love
yourself. So let's do a littletest. Think about a person, or
an animal that you deeply love.And you really feel like yeah, I
(00:44):
have a very close connection tothis creature. Feel that
feeling? And then on a scalefrom one to 10? How strong is
his feeling? 10 being thestrongest one the weakest? Give
it a number. And then thinkabout yourself. Think about how
(01:10):
much do I love myself? Do youhave a similar feeling? And what
number would you give thatfeeling? Now chances are that
that number is way lower thanthe number for the person that
(01:31):
you really love and appreciate.Why is that? Why do we have such
a hard time loving ourselves?Now personally, I think it has a
lot to do with self love beingnot something we are taught how
to do the same thing withfeeling good about yourself
feeling confident, often ourpeers, teachers, parents set us
(01:57):
more up for making us humble,not feeling too proud, too good,
because that may be seen asarrogant. And that has then
also, of course, an effect onself love. But imagine for a
moment that you are stuck with aperson 20 473 175 days or longer
(02:22):
per year, until the very lastbreath you take. Wouldn't it be
better to not fight this personto not be always in conflict or
down on that person, but somehowlearn to appreciate, maybe start
(02:42):
with accept, and then eventuallylove that person. I mean, our
relationship with ourselves isthe one that should be the most
precious, the most importantone.
But in contrast to that, most ofus are really struggling with
(03:03):
that relationship withourselves. Because we are
telling ourselves, well, Ishould be thinner, I shouldn't
get old, I should be moresuccessful, I should be more fun
I should be you name it, there'sso much that we are telling
ourselves is wrong with us. Andthat is the wall that we are
building between us and selflove. So how do we create more
(03:27):
self love? How do we make selflove our new default setting?
Well, as I said, it's not aseasy as having a little light
switch that you turn on. Andthen all of a sudden, you feel
all these warm, fuzzy feelingsabout yourself. But I have been
teaching people to lovethemselves for almost 20 years.
(03:50):
And what I've found is it'sabsolutely not only doable, it's
in evitable if you do the rightsteps, and I want to share four
of those steps with you today.Because I think we all can do
those. And we can all ultimatelyimplement those. It's about
(04:11):
building a relationship. Youknow how you have to build a
relationship with a new personin your life and eventually
trust that person. And you trustthat person through gaining
evidence and positiveexperiences. It's the same thing
about self love. You have tobuild it gradually and you have
(04:34):
to work on it. Just like in anyand every relationship every
day. Put a little bit more focusand energy into it. And
eventually your self lovebecomes a rock solid. Okay.
Let's start with it. The firststep is letting go of resistance
(04:56):
to loving yourself and insteadaccepting yourself I know that
sounds really hard. And for someof you, it may sound like hey, I
could climb Mount Everest in, inflip flops, but that I don't
think it's possible. Well, whenyou really think about self
(05:16):
acceptance, it's ultimately notthat you are immediately saying,
Oh, yes, I appreciate everythingthat I have for everything I am.
It's simply finding peace withit, and, and finding a way to
befriend yourself gradually,with what you have. And for
(05:37):
that, you need to stopundermining that what is
ultimately creating selfacceptance. to think through the
course of the day, how oftenYour mind is bashing you, how
often you are telling yourselfnegative things, how often
you're comparing yourself withothers, how often you're looking
(06:00):
through other people's eyes, atyourself. This is how you give
your power away. This is how youdisconnect from yourself. And
this is how you ultimatelybecome either a stranger or even
an enemy to yourself. So selfacceptance is a step forward
(06:21):
toward self love. And it's avery important step, to really
see that I have no other choice,then to find peace with myself,
because otherwise, I will livein constant struggle in war with
myself. It's the step of Ichoose peace, over conflict. And
(06:46):
for that, you just have to alsorealize that whatever I'm
telling myself, I would nevertell anyone I love and care
about whatever I compare myselfwith, I would never dare to do
this to my partner to my siblingor my parents. I only do this to
myself. For next time you noticethat you are, again, undermining
(07:11):
your self acceptance, simplytell yourself No, I'm not doing
this. This is not fair to me.And instead, think about one or
two things that actually aresomething you accept about
whatever you criticized, youknow, let's say you're feeling
like, Oh, I'm a loser because Ihave such a miserable job. And
(07:35):
then you're asking yourself,Well, does it really build self
acceptance? Of course itdoesn't. So you stop yourself
and you tell yourself No, Iactually appreciate I accept
about this job that I am showingup that I'm doing myself that I
am someone who is trying to beself responsible and self
(07:56):
reliant and make money eventhough it's not my passion.
The beauty about self acceptanceis that it also then opens you
up for the possibility of changeof doing better. Because I'm not
saying that self acceptance orself love is automatically
saying, Well, I'm done. No morework to do. I'm just saying that
(08:18):
if you accept yourself, you aremore able to then say with this
energy, that you're not wastingand fighting yourself, what can
I do better? How can I make achange? How can I progress, and
that's certainly much easierfrom a place of self acceptance,
then from a safe place of selfrejection. Now a simple exercise
(08:42):
that I have been doing manyyears now and that I find, also
my clients are really benefitingfrom is to simply greet yourself
with openness and a friendlysmile, to looking in the mirror
in the morning when you seeyourself Yes, maybe you have a
messy hair and maybe you're notreally at your finest but just
(09:02):
looking at yourself. Like youwould see a very nice friend or
a beloved person with a smile.Hi. So nice to see you. So glad
you're here. Have a great day.You know what happens
physiologically when you aregrading yourself from this
acceptance place? Or from thatfriendly nurse and from that
(09:27):
kindness is that your mind isreally feeling like okay,
obviously that person that he orshe sees is someone that is
liked is embraced is accepted.Just by smiling and saying
something friendly with theright tone of voice. The
(09:48):
feedback in your mind is okay,that person is okay. It is safe
to be that person and somethinginside changes rather than grim.
submit yourself, rather thanavoiding looking at yourself,
start the day with thatopenness. And this is how you
gradually build self acceptance.So self acceptance is letting go
(10:14):
of always putting yourself down.It is about thinking how you
would not do this to anybodyelse, finding something else
that you find good aboutwhatever you have been, in that
moment criticizing yourself forshifted around. And then in the
morning, grade yourself, andalso when you go to bed and
(10:35):
brush your teeth, same thing,oh, I hope you had a great day,
I heard you did this. And that,I hope that was fun. Just have a
little, even though it maysilly, friendly conversation
with your mirror image. And thisway, find there is an openness
of the mind and a calmness ofthe mind to see you and to
(10:57):
recognize you as a friend, andnot any longer as an adversary.
So that's number one. Number twois explore yourself, you know
how in any relationship whileyou start going on a date. And
usually you pick, you know,coffee, or drinks or laid on
(11:22):
maybe going for dinner? Andthat's the beginning. But then
you are exploring. So what arethe interests that you can
share? Or what are the thingsthat are, you know, maybe
exciting for both of you. Therehas been a study that actually
showed that couples that havebeen together for a while those
that have a good relationshipcontinuously build this
(11:46):
relationship on new experiences,new exciting experiences, like
finding a new hobby, ortraveling or creating something
new together, that explorationis creating a bond between two
people. Now that exploration canalso create a bond inside of us.
(12:09):
So rather than always being inthis, well, this is who I am.
And this is how I'm supposed tobe like a client of mine who
said, Well, I am known and lovedfor being bubbly and fun and
always positive and always therefor other people life of the
party. And then at some point,she realized that's only a very
(12:31):
small fraction of who I am. Andthere is something much deeper
and more introvert and quieterinside of me. And I never dare
to really go there and exploreit until she had a bout of
depression. And then she waskind of forced to just, it's
(12:52):
almost like lock herself in andlook at herself in a new way.
And what she found out was thatshe just love stillness. She
loves actually to be in natureand just sit and even meditate.
She loves to contemplate and nothave to talk or be always up.
And that side of her she learnedmore and more to appreciate as
(13:16):
her sensitive site. And it'salso the side that she felt was
much more intuitive and helpedher much more to move forward in
life and seek out for thingsthat are more purposeful and
meaningful for her. So thatexploration of what she didn't
know or in the past hadn'treally except it helped her to
(13:40):
feel much closer to herself.
You get to not find who you arein your comfort zone. And we are
always way more than we think weare. There's always so much more
to us to discover. I in factbelieve that self discovery is
(14:00):
one of the biggest and mostimportant purposes in life to
really figure out more and more,what gifts, what talents, what
beautiful inner resources wehave. And so what I would
suggest in order to create moreself love, just explore yourself
more, understand more yourpreferences, what you're drawn
(14:24):
to what you're good at what youknow, your piques your interest,
open yourself up and make yourlife interesting. So many people
struggle with self love becausethey don't get love from the
outside. And so basically, forthe lack of a relationship with
somebody else, they also feellike they shouldn't have a
(14:46):
relationship with himself. Butif you're alone, if you're not
in a relationship, there isnothing more important than the
relationship with yourself. Tojust treat yourself from now on,
like someone that you want toknow know better that you want
to learn to know better and moreintimately and explore what your
(15:07):
heart, your mind, your spirit,your body, really enjoy. And
that, again will create astronger foundation of
connection with yourself. Thethird step is appreciating
yourself. Now appreciatingyourself is something that most
(15:28):
of us have a hard time. I wastold when I really felt good
about myself because I was whenI started high school, a D
student. In all sudden I was abest in class, not without
sleepless nights and a lot ofanxiety. But somehow I mustered
up the strength and theresilience to, to really work
(15:50):
hard. And when I really boastedabout luck, I have all A's, my
parents only said, Well, youknow, you're doing this for
yourself, don't feel too goodabout yourself. People think
you're arrogant, and no onelikes arrogant. So that bashed
myself appreciation quite a bit.And from that on point on, I
always kind of, you know,understated any of my successes,
(16:14):
just because I felt Oh, no, Idon't want other people think
that I'm conceited, or that I'mlooking down on them, which I
never did.
So appreciation, selfappreciation is a is a power,
kind of an art form, that mostof us have to learn what I
suggest. And actually today,just the client told me about
(16:37):
how she uses this every day andhow it really changed her life.
Write down three things youappreciate about yourself every
day. And I suggest for you toappreciate different aspects of
yourself on that day, meaninglike not in general, like, Well,
I appreciate that I'm smart, Iam appreciating that I'm a hard
(17:01):
worker, I'll leave you know thisalready. It's really nothing
new, it doesn't really evoke anyemotions inside of you. It's
kind of boring. So you want tobe specific on that day. What
about that day? Did you reallyfeel good about yourself? If
this would be somebody else youwould tell them good job, thank
(17:22):
you so much, or give them acompliment. So what is it about
you and it doesn't have to bevery big, can be small. But it
needs to be something thatcreates a warm feeling inside of
you. So appreciate your body.Maybe you were really, you know,
dragging yourself to the gym,and then you were still somehow
(17:45):
making it through a whole classand you were actually able to,
you know, succeed and feel likeWell, my body actually followed
through, even though I didn'tfeel like it. So I appreciate
the strength of my body. Ormaybe you were sick for a while
and your body recovered. Thatone thing to appreciate, maybe
(18:07):
you could appreciate your mindbecause there was a problem at
work and you found the solution.Or maybe you appreciate your
mind that you had a great ideahow to, you know, make a friend
happy for their birthday.Appreciate your hearts, because
maybe you were very kind on thisday, calmly and patiently
(18:29):
listening to someone that youknow, open their heart and share
their grievance with you. Ormaybe you just were able with
your heart for a moment to findpeace. There is all this noise
around you and you were justsitting in this little bubble of
peace and, and just feltcompassion for the whole world.
(18:51):
To all possible, those littlemoments of yourself that you
could really appreciate, mayshow up way more often than you
think it's just a matter oftaking note of it, and then
writing it down. And this wayyou are collecting evidence
about your goodness, evidence ofwho you really are at the core
(19:14):
and that this is a warm, caring,strong, loving person. And yes,
again, there may be things youthink, Oh, I wish I could do
this better, or I wish I couldchange that and that's all
possible. But appreciation issuch a better baseline, to feel
motivated to make change, thenself criticism. So now you
(19:39):
accept you are exploring morewho you are. You're appreciating
yourself more deeply every day.These are all really good habits
to have. And the fourth one thatleads to self love is treating
yourself as if you would be yourown person. They're your own
(20:01):
Beloved, indulge yourself. Andindulging yourself is what we do
when we love someone, you know,there is a saying we care for
those we love. So if you startcaring for yourself and
wondering, Oh, I wish I couldgive myself this, you know, a
(20:21):
nice massage or a foot rub, or,Wow, this looks so great. This
whole plate of fresh berries.Yes, I know it's a little
expensive, but it really willmake me happy.
There is this whole lovelanguage, you know, research at
most, you may know that thereare five specific love
(20:45):
languages, words of affirmation,quality, time, physical touch,
gifts, and acts of service. Andusually, what we want to give
others would be a naturally goodat giving to others, is what
also makes us feel really loved.But think about it. Let's say
(21:09):
for example, you really love togive gifts. How stingy? Are you
with yourself? Are you reallygenerous and say yeah, I love
that sweater, I gonna bidemyself for my birthday, great.
Probably not. So give yourselfyour love language, maybe it is
(21:29):
about touch, and then gettouched. You know, go somewhere
where you feel like yeah, I havea great cranial sacrum or I have
an acupuncture, whatever feelsgood to you, that makes you feel
pampered and attended to qualitytime. Take yourself on a date.
Take yourself to the movies, ormaybe even go and you know, find
(21:54):
a little vacation a getaway thatyou can just indulge yourself
in. I do this every year, everyyear, I go for three or four
days to Germany by myself, justto indulge myself, see some
friends go to the spa. And justfeel like I can pamper myself,
and really nourishes myrelationship with myself. And I
(22:17):
think that's something that weowe to ourselves. Because when
we really think about how hardour mind and our body and our
our heart are working every day,we are not giving enough back.
And that is often where therelationships are falling apart
with other people, when we arenot acknowledging how much we
(22:41):
really do. Embrace and lovewhatever this relationship
brings into our life. So thiswhole idea of indulging yourself
and in celebrating yourself andgiving back to yourself is
again, adding to that what youultimately want, which is to
love yourself. See these foursteps. They're not rocket
(23:05):
science, they are basicallybased on what we naturally do
with others. Maybe, you know, ithas been a while that you were
in a relationship that I knowthat you have loved and I know
that you were loved. And if youreally just follow those tracks
and think about this is what Idid. And this is what others did
(23:26):
for me in order to feel loved.You just start to do very
similar things with yourself.And you avoid those that you
know are breaking that love thattrust undermining this feeling
of closeness. I don't believethat self love is something that
(23:47):
will happen overnight. It maystart with this acceptance, it
may even start with just thedesire to do better, and to
maybe start respecting yourself.And as you are following those
steps and gradually buildingmore and more an understanding
of who you are of yourbrilliance and really feeling
(24:08):
more and more that you cannurture yourself with positive
thoughts and appreciation. Andthen also giving yourself these
little gifts of time or realgifts or anything that you
desire so that you feel I can bethe source of joy, of happiness
of pleasure to myself, thatrelationship to yourself. You
(24:32):
may not think immediately as Oh,I love myself, but you will feel
close to yourself. You will feelconnected to yourself and you
actually will feel that you arebecoming your closest and best
friend. And that is a worthygoal to pursue and certainly
something that you can reach
Okay, let's talk about love, and a specific form of
love. self love. Now, don't rollyour eyes and tell yourself,
that's not for me. I tried it, Ilooked in the mirror, I told
myself, I love myself, thenreally work? Well, it's not easy
(00:22):
to love yourself, I completelygive you that. But it's also not
impossible. Now, you may noteven know how much you love
yourself. So let's do a littletest. Think about a person, or
an animal that you deeply love.And you really feel like yeah, I
(00:44):
have a very close connection tothis creature. Feel that
feeling? And then on a scalefrom one to 10? How strong is
his feeling? 10 being thestrongest one the weakest? Give
it a number. And then thinkabout yourself. Think about how
(01:10):
much do I love myself? Do youhave a similar feeling? And what
number would you give thatfeeling? Now chances are that
that number is way lower thanthe number for the person that
(01:31):
you really love and appreciate.Why is that? Why do we have such
a hard time loving ourselves?Now personally, I think it has a
lot to do with self love beingnot something we are taught how
to do the same thing withfeeling good about yourself
feeling confident, often ourpeers, teachers, parents set us
(01:57):
more up for making us humble,not feeling too proud, too good,
because that may be seen asarrogant. And that has then
also, of course, an effect onself love. But imagine for a
moment that you are stuck with aperson 20 473 175 days or longer
(02:22):
per year, until the very lastbreath you take. Wouldn't it be
better to not fight this personto not be always in conflict or
down on that person, but somehowlearn to appreciate, maybe start
(02:42):
with accept, and then eventuallylove that person. I mean, our
relationship with ourselves isthe one that should be the most
precious, the most importantone.
But in contrast to that, most ofus are really struggling with
(03:03):
that relationship withourselves. Because we are
telling ourselves, well, Ishould be thinner, I shouldn't
get old, I should be moresuccessful, I should be more fun
I should be you name it, there'sso much that we are telling
ourselves is wrong with us. Andthat is the wall that we are
building between us and selflove. So how do we create more
(03:27):
self love? How do we make selflove our new default setting?
Well, as I said, it's not aseasy as having a little light
switch that you turn on. Andthen all of a sudden, you feel
all these warm, fuzzy feelingsabout yourself. But I have been
teaching people to lovethemselves for almost 20 years.
(03:50):
And what I've found is it'sabsolutely not only doable, it's
in evitable if you do the rightsteps, and I want to share four
of those steps with you today.Because I think we all can do
those. And we can all ultimatelyimplement those. It's about
(04:11):
building a relationship. Youknow how you have to build a
relationship with a new personin your life and eventually
trust that person. And you trustthat person through gaining
evidence and positiveexperiences. It's the same thing
about self love. You have tobuild it gradually and you have
(04:34):
to work on it. Just like in anyand every relationship every
day. Put a little bit more focusand energy into it. And
eventually your self lovebecomes a rock solid. Okay.
Let's start with it. The firststep is letting go of resistance
(04:56):
to loving yourself and insteadaccepting yourself I know that
sounds really hard. And for someof you, it may sound like hey, I
could climb Mount Everest in, inflip flops, but that I don't
think it's possible. Well, whenyou really think about self
(05:16):
acceptance, it's ultimately notthat you are immediately saying,
Oh, yes, I appreciate everythingthat I have for everything I am.
It's simply finding peace withit, and, and finding a way to
befriend yourself gradually,with what you have. And for
(05:37):
that, you need to stopundermining that what is
ultimately creating selfacceptance. to think through the
course of the day, how oftenYour mind is bashing you, how
often you are telling yourselfnegative things, how often
you're comparing yourself withothers, how often you're looking
(06:00):
through other people's eyes, atyourself. This is how you give
your power away. This is how youdisconnect from yourself. And
this is how you ultimatelybecome either a stranger or even
an enemy to yourself. So selfacceptance is a step forward
(06:21):
toward self love. And it's avery important step, to really
see that I have no other choice,then to find peace with myself,
because otherwise, I will livein constant struggle in war with
myself. It's the step of Ichoose peace, over conflict. And
(06:46):
for that, you just have to alsorealize that whatever I'm
telling myself, I would nevertell anyone I love and care
about whatever I compare myselfwith, I would never dare to do
this to my partner to my siblingor my parents. I only do this to
myself. For next time you noticethat you are, again, undermining
(07:11):
your self acceptance, simplytell yourself No, I'm not doing
this. This is not fair to me.And instead, think about one or
two things that actually aresomething you accept about
whatever you criticized, youknow, let's say you're feeling
like, Oh, I'm a loser because Ihave such a miserable job. And
(07:35):
then you're asking yourself,Well, does it really build self
acceptance? Of course itdoesn't. So you stop yourself
and you tell yourself No, Iactually appreciate I accept
about this job that I am showingup that I'm doing myself that I
am someone who is trying to beself responsible and self
(07:56):
reliant and make money eventhough it's not my passion.
The beauty about self acceptanceis that it also then opens you
up for the possibility of changeof doing better. Because I'm not
saying that self acceptance orself love is automatically
saying, Well, I'm done. No morework to do. I'm just saying that
(08:18):
if you accept yourself, you aremore able to then say with this
energy, that you're not wastingand fighting yourself, what can
I do better? How can I make achange? How can I progress, and
that's certainly much easierfrom a place of self acceptance,
then from a safe place of selfrejection. Now a simple exercise
(08:42):
that I have been doing manyyears now and that I find, also
my clients are really benefitingfrom is to simply greet yourself
with openness and a friendlysmile, to looking in the mirror
in the morning when you seeyourself Yes, maybe you have a
messy hair and maybe you're notreally at your finest but just
(09:02):
looking at yourself. Like youwould see a very nice friend or
a beloved person with a smile.Hi. So nice to see you. So glad
you're here. Have a great day.You know what happens
physiologically when you aregrading yourself from this
acceptance place? Or from thatfriendly nurse and from that
(09:27):
kindness is that your mind isreally feeling like okay,
obviously that person that he orshe sees is someone that is
liked is embraced is accepted.Just by smiling and saying
something friendly with theright tone of voice. The
(09:48):
feedback in your mind is okay,that person is okay. It is safe
to be that person and somethinginside changes rather than grim.
submit yourself, rather thanavoiding looking at yourself,
start the day with thatopenness. And this is how you
gradually build self acceptance.So self acceptance is letting go
(10:14):
of always putting yourself down.It is about thinking how you
would not do this to anybodyelse, finding something else
that you find good aboutwhatever you have been, in that
moment criticizing yourself forshifted around. And then in the
morning, grade yourself, andalso when you go to bed and
(10:35):
brush your teeth, same thing,oh, I hope you had a great day,
I heard you did this. And that,I hope that was fun. Just have a
little, even though it maysilly, friendly conversation
with your mirror image. And thisway, find there is an openness
of the mind and a calmness ofthe mind to see you and to
(10:57):
recognize you as a friend, andnot any longer as an adversary.
So that's number one. Number twois explore yourself, you know
how in any relationship whileyou start going on a date. And
usually you pick, you know,coffee, or drinks or laid on
(11:22):
maybe going for dinner? Andthat's the beginning. But then
you are exploring. So what arethe interests that you can
share? Or what are the thingsthat are, you know, maybe
exciting for both of you. Therehas been a study that actually
showed that couples that havebeen together for a while those
that have a good relationshipcontinuously build this
(11:46):
relationship on new experiences,new exciting experiences, like
finding a new hobby, ortraveling or creating something
new together, that explorationis creating a bond between two
people. Now that exploration canalso create a bond inside of us.
(12:09):
So rather than always being inthis, well, this is who I am.
And this is how I'm supposed tobe like a client of mine who
said, Well, I am known and lovedfor being bubbly and fun and
always positive and always therefor other people life of the
party. And then at some point,she realized that's only a very
(12:31):
small fraction of who I am. Andthere is something much deeper
and more introvert and quieterinside of me. And I never dare
to really go there and exploreit until she had a bout of
depression. And then she waskind of forced to just, it's
(12:52):
almost like lock herself in andlook at herself in a new way.
And what she found out was thatshe just love stillness. She
loves actually to be in natureand just sit and even meditate.
She loves to contemplate and nothave to talk or be always up.
And that side of her she learnedmore and more to appreciate as
(13:16):
her sensitive site. And it'salso the side that she felt was
much more intuitive and helpedher much more to move forward in
life and seek out for thingsthat are more purposeful and
meaningful for her. So thatexploration of what she didn't
know or in the past hadn'treally except it helped her to
(13:40):
feel much closer to herself.
You get to not find who you arein your comfort zone. And we are
always way more than we think weare. There's always so much more
to us to discover. I in factbelieve that self discovery is
(14:00):
one of the biggest and mostimportant purposes in life to
really figure out more and more,what gifts, what talents, what
beautiful inner resources wehave. And so what I would
suggest in order to create moreself love, just explore yourself
more, understand more yourpreferences, what you're drawn
(14:24):
to what you're good at what youknow, your piques your interest,
open yourself up and make yourlife interesting. So many people
struggle with self love becausethey don't get love from the
outside. And so basically, forthe lack of a relationship with
somebody else, they also feellike they shouldn't have a
(14:46):
relationship with himself. Butif you're alone, if you're not
in a relationship, there isnothing more important than the
relationship with yourself. Tojust treat yourself from now on,
like someone that you want toknow know better that you want
to learn to know better and moreintimately and explore what your
(15:07):
heart, your mind, your spirit,your body, really enjoy. And
that, again will create astronger foundation of
connection with yourself. Thethird step is appreciating
yourself. Now appreciatingyourself is something that most
(15:28):
of us have a hard time. I wastold when I really felt good
about myself because I was whenI started high school, a D
student. In all sudden I was abest in class, not without
sleepless nights and a lot ofanxiety. But somehow I mustered
up the strength and theresilience to, to really work
(15:50):
hard. And when I really boastedabout luck, I have all A's, my
parents only said, Well, youknow, you're doing this for
yourself, don't feel too goodabout yourself. People think
you're arrogant, and no onelikes arrogant. So that bashed
myself appreciation quite a bit.And from that on point on, I
always kind of, you know,understated any of my successes,
(16:14):
just because I felt Oh, no, Idon't want other people think
that I'm conceited, or that I'mlooking down on them, which I
never did.
So appreciation, selfappreciation is a is a power,
kind of an art form, that mostof us have to learn what I
suggest. And actually today,just the client told me about
(16:37):
how she uses this every day andhow it really changed her life.
Write down three things youappreciate about yourself every
day. And I suggest for you toappreciate different aspects of
yourself on that day, meaninglike not in general, like, Well,
I appreciate that I'm smart, Iam appreciating that I'm a hard
(17:01):
worker, I'll leave you know thisalready. It's really nothing
new, it doesn't really evoke anyemotions inside of you. It's
kind of boring. So you want tobe specific on that day. What
about that day? Did you reallyfeel good about yourself? If
this would be somebody else youwould tell them good job, thank
(17:22):
you so much, or give them acompliment. So what is it about
you and it doesn't have to bevery big, can be small. But it
needs to be something thatcreates a warm feeling inside of
you. So appreciate your body.Maybe you were really, you know,
dragging yourself to the gym,and then you were still somehow
(17:45):
making it through a whole classand you were actually able to,
you know, succeed and feel likeWell, my body actually followed
through, even though I didn'tfeel like it. So I appreciate
the strength of my body. Ormaybe you were sick for a while
and your body recovered. Thatone thing to appreciate, maybe
(18:07):
you could appreciate your mindbecause there was a problem at
work and you found the solution.Or maybe you appreciate your
mind that you had a great ideahow to, you know, make a friend
happy for their birthday.Appreciate your hearts, because
maybe you were very kind on thisday, calmly and patiently
(18:29):
listening to someone that youknow, open their heart and share
their grievance with you. Ormaybe you just were able with
your heart for a moment to findpeace. There is all this noise
around you and you were justsitting in this little bubble of
peace and, and just feltcompassion for the whole world.
(18:51):
To all possible, those littlemoments of yourself that you
could really appreciate, mayshow up way more often than you
think it's just a matter oftaking note of it, and then
writing it down. And this wayyou are collecting evidence
about your goodness, evidence ofwho you really are at the core
(19:14):
and that this is a warm, caring,strong, loving person. And yes,
again, there may be things youthink, Oh, I wish I could do
this better, or I wish I couldchange that and that's all
possible. But appreciation issuch a better baseline, to feel
motivated to make change, thenself criticism. So now you
(19:39):
accept you are exploring morewho you are. You're appreciating
yourself more deeply every day.These are all really good habits
to have. And the fourth one thatleads to self love is treating
yourself as if you would be yourown person. They're your own
(20:01):
Beloved, indulge yourself. Andindulging yourself is what we do
when we love someone, you know,there is a saying we care for
those we love. So if you startcaring for yourself and
wondering, Oh, I wish I couldgive myself this, you know, a
(20:21):
nice massage or a foot rub, or,Wow, this looks so great. This
whole plate of fresh berries.Yes, I know it's a little
expensive, but it really willmake me happy.
There is this whole lovelanguage, you know, research at
most, you may know that thereare five specific love
(20:45):
languages, words of affirmation,quality, time, physical touch,
gifts, and acts of service. Andusually, what we want to give
others would be a naturally goodat giving to others, is what
also makes us feel really loved.But think about it. Let's say
(21:09):
for example, you really love togive gifts. How stingy? Are you
with yourself? Are you reallygenerous and say yeah, I love
that sweater, I gonna bidemyself for my birthday, great.
Probably not. So give yourselfyour love language, maybe it is
(21:29):
about touch, and then gettouched. You know, go somewhere
where you feel like yeah, I havea great cranial sacrum or I have
an acupuncture, whatever feelsgood to you, that makes you feel
pampered and attended to qualitytime. Take yourself on a date.
Take yourself to the movies, ormaybe even go and you know, find
(21:54):
a little vacation a getaway thatyou can just indulge yourself
in. I do this every year, everyyear, I go for three or four
days to Germany by myself, justto indulge myself, see some
friends go to the spa. And justfeel like I can pamper myself,
and really nourishes myrelationship with myself. And I
(22:17):
think that's something that weowe to ourselves. Because when
we really think about how hardour mind and our body and our
our heart are working every day,we are not giving enough back.
And that is often where therelationships are falling apart
with other people, when we arenot acknowledging how much we
(22:41):
really do. Embrace and lovewhatever this relationship
brings into our life. So thiswhole idea of indulging yourself
and in celebrating yourself andgiving back to yourself is
again, adding to that what youultimately want, which is to
love yourself. See these foursteps. They're not rocket
(23:05):
science, they are basicallybased on what we naturally do
with others. Maybe, you know, ithas been a while that you were
in a relationship that I knowthat you have loved and I know
that you were loved. And if youreally just follow those tracks
and think about this is what Idid. And this is what others did
(23:26):
for me in order to feel loved.You just start to do very
similar things with yourself.And you avoid those that you
know are breaking that love thattrust undermining this feeling
of closeness. I don't believethat self love is something that
(23:47):
will happen overnight. It maystart with this acceptance, it
may even start with just thedesire to do better, and to
maybe start respecting yourself.And as you are following those
steps and gradually buildingmore and more an understanding
of who you are of yourbrilliance and really feeling
(24:08):
more and more that you cannurture yourself with positive
thoughts and appreciation. Andthen also giving yourself these
little gifts of time or realgifts or anything that you
desire so that you feel I can bethe source of joy, of happiness
of pleasure to myself, thatrelationship to yourself. You
(24:32):
may not think immediately as Oh,I love myself, but you will feel
close to yourself. You will feelconnected to yourself and you
actually will feel that you arebecoming your closest and best
friend. And that is a worthygoal to pursue and certainly
something that you can reach
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