Highlights:
- Heather describes sullen as appearing when something has "peeved you off" to a low simmering level of anger, requiring alone time to process what's bothering you before you might "erupt more" if forced to interact with others
- Michelle uses the metaphor of a "Dairy Queen chocolate-dipped cone" to describe sullen - creating a "hard crunchy shell" around herself when she's run out of emotional capacity to deal with people, noting that the coating will eventually "melt and ooze off"
- Tina connects sullen to being physically stuck or unable to accomplish things due to fatigue or illness, describing it as feeling "mopey" when prevented from getting the dopamine rush of completing tasks
- The hosts discuss sullen as common during teenage years due to hormonal changes affecting brain chemistry, offering advice for parents to give space and acknowledgment rather than chasing teenagers for conversation during these moods
- The conversation emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and allowing processing time when experiencing sullen, with Heather noting that being forced to engage while in "fight or flight mode" can lead to hurtful reactions that don't reflect what's really going on internally
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This episode of the #FeelingsMatter Podcast was recorded and produced at MSR Studios in Saint Paul, MN. No reproduction, excerpting, or other use without written permission.
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Episode Transcript
Do you have trouble talking about your feelings, You're not alone.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
It's a topic that can make even.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
The most powerful people somewhat squeamish. You're listening to Feelings Matter,
where our mission is to demystify everything about emotions so
that we can all get more comfortable in talking about them.
Joining Heather, Tina and Michelle as we unpack a new
(00:31):
angle on emotions and the psychology of human nature.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Feelings Matter, Well, welcome back to Feelings Matter.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
I'm Michelle Stinson Ross and I'm Tina Schweiger and I'm
having empton.
Speaker 4 (00:54):
So the card they picked this week is selwyn And
the definition of sullen is the experience of when you're
feeling unhappy to the point that it turns into an
ongoing mood. So the questions you could ask yourself for
(01:14):
clarification might be, are you feeling quiet or withdrawn, like
you don't want to talk or interact with other people?
Are you feeling angry or resentful.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
But you don't want to express it.
Speaker 4 (01:27):
Do you feel like you're not in the mood to
do things that you normally enjoy because you're feeling down?
I feel like the sullen is like similar to when
you're in a nit. Someone's peeved you off to the
point where you're like angry at a low simmering level
and you don't want to talk anyone because you might
(01:49):
erupt more and you need to CROSSSS And sullen is
that for sad or disgruntled, there's something like bothering you
that's hurtful or upsetting, And like for me, I feel
like sullen shows.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Up when.
Speaker 4 (02:04):
There's something that I need to process.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Something has occurred.
Speaker 4 (02:09):
And I had a reaction negative reaction to it, and
I need to be alone with my thoughts for a
little bit to really understand.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
What it is that I'm feeling.
Speaker 4 (02:21):
To me, it's a queue that there may be some
things that I need to dig through.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
That's fascinating.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
I I feel like for me, sullen shows up when
I'm now not able to cope with other people. That
if I've gotten to the point of sullen, I have
to separate myself, and that that is very similar to
what you're saying, Heather, but that I have now run
(02:53):
out of gas or holding space or engaging in an
emotional level. Again high end path type person, and by
the time I've hit sullen, Sullen becomes like the hard,
crunchy shell around me. If I've gotten to sullen, I'm
now starting to build up a barrier around myself and
(03:16):
I can't people anymore.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
Let's let me.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Maybe this is like the dairy queen chocolate dipped cone
type of emotion. For me, it's it's crusty, it's crenchy.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
It's solid there for a while.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
But if you'll just let me retreat behind my crunchy
chocolate coating for a little bit, that it'll eventually melt.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
And ooze off and then I'll come back to deal
with you later.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
I feel for me sullen is like that, and I
wanted to equate it to things that had some sort
of sensory expressions so that you can understand when I
feel sullen. There definitely like physical things that go along
with this that all of a sudden, I want my
(04:04):
skin to get hard, and now I don't want to
deal with you, And the truth is you don't want
to deal with me right now either, so can we
just not?
Speaker 4 (04:12):
I think that makes perfect sense. Michelby is like when
I'm thinking.
Speaker 5 (04:15):
About it more, just to clarify when I'm feeling sullen,
I'm probably in fight or flight mode like something has
happened or I feel like hurt or wounded.
Speaker 4 (04:26):
Or something like that. And if someone forces me to
engage with then when I'm in that space, I'm going
to be speaking to them from my amigdalal mode, which
is going to be very reactionary and could possibly be
hurtful and not actually not truly reflective of what is
(04:47):
really going on for me. So that's what I mean
by that processing. I need to understand why I'm in
this space, what is it that has caused and how
do I understand what my needs are so that I
can communicate with whoever it is that has caused.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
This sort of feeling to come up for me.
Speaker 6 (05:06):
Solen shows up for me a little bit differently, but
not that much. It's it is physical, but usually for me,
it's when I'm physically like unable, like I'm stuck, like
I'm fatigued, I'm ill, I'm I can't get out of bed,
and I can't go about my day where I like
to go and continue. Iulusly accomplish things and feel that
(05:30):
like nice dopamine rush of getting something done. If I'm
prevented from that from doing that. I can be MOPy
about it, and I think MOPI and sullen. I'd probably
use those interchangeably. It comes up, it shows up as MOPI, Yeah, yeah, sullen.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
It sounds like a teenager thing.
Speaker 4 (05:50):
It's Al's be honest.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
I can remember when my three were in those teenage years.
There was definitely lots of sullen happening around my house.
They would go off to wherever they wanted to go
off to, and just I don't want to deal with
any of you. Granted there were three of them, all
very close in age that there were lots of opportunities
trigger sullen. But I feel like there is a degree
(06:13):
of this is something that you go through when your
body is going through those teenage years, and you know,
now the hormones are messing with the way your brain
chemistry and everything else.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
And I also want to step up. It's like we've talked.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Sometimes about what do we do personally when this thing
shows up, but also how do we be a good
support to others when it's showing up for them. In
the case of all your parents out there listening your
teenagers experiencing some sullenness. What are some things we can
do to be supportive? And also I will also ask you, ladies,
(06:52):
how do you like to be supported.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
When you're feeling sullen?
Speaker 4 (06:58):
For me, obviously, I'm retreating, and so I think just
an acknowledgment. I don't want to be chased in that
space for a conversation or to process or anything like that.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
I need my own time.
Speaker 4 (07:09):
So an acknowledgment I understand you're feeling some sort of way.
I'm here when you're ready to talk about it and
just letting it being giving you space to do that.
That's probably the best way for me to be supported
in those moments.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Yeah, I think room for self compassion, Yeah, and compassion
either for yourself or for somebody else who's going through
that is a good way to go.
Speaker 6 (07:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 7 (07:37):
Any final thoughts, ladies, No, that's nice. Father, in particular,
thank you because I know that all of us had
a challenging emotion to unpack.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
This time around.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
And thank you both of you for being vulnerable and
willing to into things that sometimes aren't fun to experience.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Thank you, ladies for making space to talk about this
and being a little vulnerable about your feelings.
Speaker 4 (08:12):
God.
Speaker 8 (08:14):
Feelings Matter is brought to you by feel Wise. Most
people can identify three emotions sad, mad, and glad.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
But there are over one hundred and fifty.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
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BO
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