December 26, 2023 • 45 mins
Today’s guest Brenda Ridgley talks about building connection and friendships in midlife. Her passion is to help women reconnect to passion, purpose and most importantly people after decades of letting that go. It’s all about building a tribe of support for ourselves and others. Brenda encourages listeners to build a life alongside a friend, walk through it together. Friendship allows us to share our struggles together and become a soft place to land for each other. She firmly believes we are built to belong so finding those opportunities to build connection are key. Grab a cuppa something wonderful and bring a friend to listen to this episode. www.brendaridgley.com
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Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
Hi, Hi, Gina. Forare welcome to the Feminine Roadmap Podcast,
a global community of women in midlife. We gather here weekly over a cup
of something wonderful for real talk,life changing strategies and a big dose of
sisterhood. Now, please sit backand enjoy. Hello, Feminine road members,
(00:28):
Welcome back to Feminine Roadmap Podcast,the podcast that helps you navigate the
challenges and the changes of midlife andhelps you to live a more vibrant second
half. If you find us todayon YouTube, please don't forget to subscribe
and ring that bells you don't missany more of these conversations. If you're
on a podcast platform, please rememberto subscribe, rate, and share.
(00:49):
Today we are going to be talkingabout helping women reconnect with their passion,
their purpose, and more importantly,people after decades of kind of letting those
things go as we serve our familyand our businesses, and we're going to
come back from that in a powerfulway. My guest today is Brenda Ridgeley.
(01:10):
She is a midlife women's coach,an author, and a retreat facilitator.
Thank you Brenda for being on theshow today, Diina, thank you
so much for having me. I'mreally excited about our conversation. Me too.
Why don't you tell us a littlebit about your mission and message and
what led you to want to havethis impact on women's lives. Oh,
(01:30):
I'd be happy to. So,long story short, when I became a
mother, I let myself go,you know. And I'm not talking about
the yoga pants seven days a week, the weight gain, makeup free all
that, although many of those thingsdid happen. What I'm talking about is,
over the years, I slowly letgo of everything that I loved beyond
(01:53):
my family, everything that really mademe who I am in place of my
own act. You know, sports, Yeah, I used to play softball,
Well, now I'm the team momfor the kids, right Instead,
And instead of pursuing yoga and hikingand arts and writing, I was getting
my kids off signed up for thosethings. And instead of having lunch dates
(02:17):
and evenings with my girlfriends, Iwas scheduling play dates. And there's only
so much time. So over decadesof this happening. At the end of
this, I mean, there's noend to motherhood, hopefully, But as
my kids were transitioning and kind oflaunching it to their next I had a
(02:38):
panic attack, thinking who am Ianymore without my role as mother? You
know, I didn't know. AndI kind of spiraled for a few years
and what I call my funk yearsand literally praying to the universe on a
daily basis and God and whoever elsewould listen. What is going on with
(03:00):
me? I? You know,looking in from the outside, it looked
like I had this picture perfect life. You know, I have a beautiful
home and a wonderful husband and kidswho are healthy, happy and healthy,
and a couple of snuggle bucks lookgreat. You know, what is wrong
with me? Why do I havethis just gnawing sense of dissatisfaction in my
gun? Why didn't I want toget out of bed in the morning anymore?
(03:23):
And what I discovered after much Ifinally just started researching and reading and
doing all kinds of stuff. AndI was shocked at what the answer was.
And the answer was that I waslonely, you know, Gina.
Even though I was surrounded by peopletwenty four to seven, with a full
(03:45):
to do list and all kinds ofactivities, I wasn't putting myself out there
in a way to be seen andknown on a deeper level to my you
know, to friends, beyond myfamily, no one knew me anymore.
They didn't know what the struggles Ihad was. Everything you put out on
Facebook and all those social media sitesare all positive things, right, you
(04:08):
know, wonderful new cars and vacationsand all this, But nobody posts the
muck and the stresses in their lifethat much. And that's when I decided,
I have got to change this,and I've got I've got to know
where I fit in again. Ineed my tribe, and I guess the
rest is history. Yeah, itis so important. You know, it's
(04:32):
a shift for us to prioritize ourselvesin that way because there are, to
your point, always so many thingsto do. Yeah, and then you
try to get two women who havethose to do lists to get together,
just to prink up a copy.And I know how interesting it is to
(04:54):
try to get two calendars in midlifeto connect. It has been a unique
challenge. You are exactly right,Yes, And because you know, one
thing that's wonderful about our friendships alsois that they don't demand anything from us.
Everybody else in our life who lovesus very much, they also frequently
need something from us, yeah,right, And our girlfriends don't require that,
(05:17):
and they understand our busy lives,and so that's why they're easily neglected.
Well, and they too are oftenin a similar situation to us.
But when the to do list isso there right calling your name, and
and like, this might not applyto everyone's relationships. So like I do
(05:41):
not have grandchildren, but my friendswho do that adds the next level of
their kind of back into being momsto some degree with their grandchildren. So
I think it's an interesting season oflife because we all need that connection and
that friendship. I feel it,I really do. And I think as
our bodies change and our emotions change, and our bodies change, and the
(06:05):
expectations of us change to some degree, there's a bit of a puzzle I
find in creating those reconnections. Again, it has been a real intentional journey
to make it happen. Do youfind it that's true? Well, that's
an excellent word. Absolutely. Itdoes require versus a decision and then intention
(06:25):
to make this happen, because itwon't happen organically. It's not like when
we were kids and we were ploppedinto friendship breeding grounds for hours at a
time. Right, we have tomake a decision and a commitment. And
you know, in this day andage with a social with a virtual option
for everything, it is really hardto get that FaceTime and you and you
(06:46):
have to go after it and withthat decision and action. I wonder how
much that virtual You know, wealways talk about impacting children, right,
We talk about it impacting young people, but I think on some level it's
got to be impacting our generation aswell. Oh absolutely, I think in
(07:08):
a way more so. I meanthe kids, it's become their norm,
so it's definitely impacting them, butthey don't really get it or see it
maybe as much as we do whohave had these this life of social connection,
you know, significant social connection inthe past, and now we have
this absence of it. And youknow, we were literally told to distance
(07:30):
socially and to separate ourselves and don'tyou know, connect for years, and
we're paying the price for that rightnow. And you know, midlife women
in particular, again, after we'vegiven all of our energy and go all
in like we do with everything wedo, and we care about to our
own expense, you know, it'stime for us to make those connections again.
(07:57):
And we are friends, are reallyour mirrors. They show us who
we are, you know, andyou know and again how we fit in
and we're all kind of going throughthis together, but we feel alone and
that's just really not necessary. Youknow. It's so easy to get in
(08:18):
your own head too, isn't itlike if you don't have someone else who
can give you a different perspective.I think it can be very difficult emotionally
for us to lose sight of realitybecause it is our reality. If all
we do is talk to ourselves allthe time, right, I think having
another voice outside of your head isprobably a fairly healthy thing to have,
(08:41):
yeah, sounding board just for what'sgoing on. Hey, am I on
the right track? Here my feelingthis way and have someone to say,
oh, I feel that too,And you know your butt doesn't look big
in those genes. Whatever it mightbe, just having a sounding board is
an incredible opportunity to disconnect and grow. So I would really like to hear
(09:07):
more about your perspective on reconnecting withpassion and purpose because this season of our
lives, a lot of women areat this crossroads. They feel this really
strong pull toward what's next? Whatdo I want to do? And focusing
on themselves. For some people feelsvery foreign. For other people, it
(09:28):
feels like the next step. Solet's talk a little bit about that.
Oh absolutely, it's so important.So in my book Lady and the Tribe,
How to Create Empowering friendship Circles,I talk about, you know how
important it's all about building a tribeof support for yourself. But really the
beginning of the process is working onthe leader of your tribe, which is
(09:50):
you. We are all the leadersof our own tribe, and we first
have to work on ourselves to kindof figure out get ourselves to a point
where we will attract the right kindsof women into our tribe. And a
great way to do that is firstthing I suggest to my clients is we've
got to explore your interests. Wehave to what did you love to do
(10:13):
when you were a kid or ayoung adult. What were the things that
you spent your time on before you, you know, found a mate or
a partner, before you had kids. What were the things that you loved
to do. And maybe it's timefor us to find opportunities to tap back
into those things, or maybe there'ssome things I've talked to a lot of
(10:37):
women who kind of just went immediatelyfrom high school into marriage and kids and
all that. I never really evengot to explore stuff. What things interested
you, but you never got toexplore them, you know what kinds of
things. Let's tap into that andfind an opportunity through a meetup or a
rec center or a group of somesorts to show up, you join or
(11:03):
whatever, show up a few times, and start diving into that interest because
you're going to love it already,because you already have an interest in it,
and you're going to meet some otherpeople who also love it. So
again, that can be a reallya great place to meet some new women
that have common interests and you havesomething to talk about right off the bat,
(11:24):
right because you have that common interest. And I always say you have
to when you find a new group. It's kind of people are nervous at
first getting out there, getting offthe couch right in their comfort zone,
even if it's something they are excitedabout learning or doing. Again, commit
(11:46):
to yourself that you're going to showup at least three times, because the
first time is going to be awkward, the second time is going to go
okay, that's a little better,and maybe I see someone that was there
last time, and by the thirdtime you were there, belong there,
and that's the conversations are going tocome so much easier. And you just
you know, start with a superopen ended question saying, Hi, you
(12:09):
know, my name is Gina,and you know I love this. Tell
me why are you here? Whatdo you love about this? And let
them talk? Yeah, right,yeah, because being an act a great
listener is a wonderful friendship skill.So exploring interests is a huge part of,
(12:30):
you know, cultivating the leader ofyour tribe. And another thing is
kind of really taking some time forintrospection to discover your why. And a
lot of people are like, whatdo you mean by that? They kind
of know what they what I meanby that, but they're like, and
I'm not really sure. What isit that gets you out of bed in
the morning, beyond your family andyour commitments? What is it that brings
(12:54):
you joy? And what would haveyou what would have you jumping out out
of bed in the morning. Andmost of the time when I'm working with
clients, it's this is a processthat can take an hour or it can
take weeks to because we have beenfed information and told what we want and
what you know, what we thinkeven for you know, decades now to
(13:18):
the point where we don't even knowwhat it is anymore. Yeah, so
we have to start peeling back thatonion layer by layer to get down to
the core of who we are andwhat drives us and what we would what
we live for, and what wewould die for, you know, what
is it? And from that point, when we get to that point and
(13:39):
I have them right out their whyand they get the goosebumps, they go,
this is it. This is mywhy. And when you start living
in that space and pursuing your whyyou are, you've become a magnet for
other people that are also you knowwell appreciate those things, want to do
(14:01):
those things, and energetically you area bright light now again because you are
charged up from inside. So thoseare the things, the first couple things
that I found. There are aboutten steps to kind of getting back on
track, but those are for thefirst couple that we work on together.
Yeah, you know, we're outof the habit sometimes, that social bit,
(14:24):
you know, that meeting people.It's different in a business context than
it is in a personal context.Because sure, when you meet like networking,
you have this third element, thebusiness, the you know, the
is outside of you in that personyou're actually point you're both talking about this
(14:45):
other thing. And I think thatshift to facing someone and being vulnerable and
being like, you know, Iwonder if this person could be someone that
I could enjoy, you know.I find that I've connected with some of
my podcast US guests, like offthe podcast and it's just been for a
season, but it was something thatI wanted to bring up as you were
(15:07):
talking, is sometimes it may notbe that forever friend, but you can
have a six month connection or oneyear connection and it serves a purpose and
it still has value. And Ithink our factory setting is we're going to
be friends for life, right,you know, when you meet someone that
you connect with and you like.So I really think that shifting to that
(15:31):
vulnerability and understanding that in these seasonsof life one we've changed, right,
and we're meeting people that we don'tknow. So there's so many things in
flux. We're figuring out that maybewe do have a connection with someone,
but maybe that connection is short termand that's okay. At least for me,
(15:52):
this midlife journey of building connection hasbeen a bit more. It's been
a bit more flexible because, likeyou said, is children were put in
it and then you go to schoolthese people sometimes six years, sometimes twelve
years, and so you know,this is us creating our own playground,
This is us creating our own groupof people. So I think there's a
(16:14):
shift that's helpful. At least I'venoticed that sometimes the connection is just for
a season. Yeah, absolutely,you are. You're spot on, and
there's going to be people that areyou have a friendship around a certain topic
or a certain thing, But noteverybody's going to make your tribe, you
know, And that's okay. Thisis not a quantity type of situation.
(16:37):
It's a quality. I bill firmlybelieve and teach that everyone should have two
to five besties and these are womenor men in some situations that actually help
us grow in different areas of ourlife that we have an interest, you
know, because and I've talked toa lot of women who say, my
(16:59):
partner is my best friend and everythingand we do everything. And I think
that's beautiful and wonderful, But that'sa lot of pressure for one person to
meet all of your needs. Youknow, my spouse doesn't particularly care that
much about yoga or hiking or certainlynot camping. But so I can find
a tribe mate that really loves that, and I can give my husband a
(17:21):
break and he can go do histhing sometime, and I can go sit
around a campfire with a girlfriend anddrink a glass of wine and fill myself
up and keep growing in that wayrather than just letting it go, which
is what happened for years. Sincehe didn't like it, I didn't do
it for ten years, you know. And that's just one example of just
(17:42):
finding an area. Maybe we needa wise mentor someone who's just a few
years ahead of us that can giveus advice. Maybe we need an exercise
buddy, you know. Maybe weneed someone that just you know, appreciates
us. A fangirl, someone that'salways cheering us on. You know.
So these are the different I havemy clients kind of design who they're looking
(18:06):
for before we go find them,and what what what do you love to
do, and what would this personlook like? And we kind of nail
it down, we kind of reallydescribe them and depth, and then we
let the universe kind of start todo its work. You know. There's
brain science behind it, because oncewe tell our brains what we're looking for,
our brain actually looks for it.You know. It's like putting intennas
(18:32):
on our intention, right, It'slike I'm going to intend to do this,
and now I'm going to see itbecause I'm looking for it, right.
And I think, do you findthat sometimes people stumble along the way
even because maybe what we think wewant and what we actually want might sometimes
(18:52):
be a little bit different. Yes, absolutely, because we've a lot of
we've grown up, even as achild, with expectations of what we should
be or who we should become,or what we should do. And there's
our points where you're like, isthat me? Or is that this programming
that I've had? Uh? Andthat's when we do need to kind of
(19:15):
get back to if we haven't reallydug down to the goosebump a phase of
the why exercise, Let's let's revisitthat, because I don't know if this
one doesn't it is not not lightand yet like I would expect, right,
And I think there's some curiosity tothe process because if we have in
(19:36):
some ways or in many ways lostourselves in the process. The thing for
me, if I might give adifferent slant on this. I didn't lose
myself in the process. I justpoured myself in. I did maintain a
lot of the things that I liketo do, but my priorities were mm
(19:57):
everyone else has been my children,you know. And so I think that
for some women it might not bea complete loss of self as much as
it is a shift in prioritizing,you know, because for me, I
wasn't. I didn't get lost inthe process, but I identified so strongly
(20:19):
with certain parts of what I didthat I was sad and I grieved it
when it was gone right right,But I had held on to things that
I was interested in. But thennow it has to be like okay,
ye to do it, do youknow what I mean, like a shift
in your mind that it's okay todo those things right. Yeah, we
got to let go of the momguilt or whatever guilt it is that has
(20:42):
been holding on to us. Andyou're right, there's going to be a
whole spectrum of where one might fit. Some completely lost not do don't even
remember what they used to love todo, you know, to the point
where to the others that like,hey, I did a good job,
I kept in touch with a fewfew besties. I would connect on a
(21:03):
at least monthly. You know thesekinds of things. Uh, and you're
gonna be anywhere in there. Butthere is definitely work that we can do
to uh self actualize, get tobecome our you know, most supported best
self, to launch ourselves into whatever'snext for us. Because this is this
(21:23):
was driving me crazy, Gina.You know, when you're a kid,
you kind of have a bunch ofchecks ahead. You know, you wanted
to graduate high school, you wantedto graduate college, you wanted or whatever,
get a good job, maybe finda partner, get married, whatever,
buy a house, have kids,yay? Check tech tech tech check?
What what after that? What's what'swhat do we aspire to? That's
(21:45):
when we feel like, am Idone? Is? That? Is?
It? Is this over? Youknow? Should I just now? All
I've got to do is wait forgrandkids? And that's you know, no,
no, you this is our mostpowerful point. Oh my gosh,
all we've learned and all we've done. We can harness this and get back
to our solidity of like what firesus up and go after it. Make
(22:08):
a difference whatever that means for you, change the world. Mm hmmmm hm.
Yes, yes, I think it'sa bit to your point, Like
some people are getting back on thebike to ride, and some people have
never ridden the bike in the firstplace, right, and recognizing where where
does one start? You know?Yeah? Where what we're talking about where,
(22:33):
you know, having time for yourselfand prioritizing yourself. I have people
in my life who they choose notto do it that way, and so
we our friendship is is more intentionalbecause I have to fit in around that
the way that they choose to prioritizetheir life. And I think, if
(22:56):
I might expound on that for asecond, it's good to have women of
different experiences and priorities like that sometimesbecause sometimes I need to be checked sometimes
they need to be encouraged, youknow what I mean. Like, I
think that's one of the benefits offriendship, isn't it. Oh yeah,
absolutely, a checkpoint. You know. A lot the women that you are
(23:18):
describing, you know, they geta big sense of their identity from this
service, and maybe even to thepoint of being somewhat of a martyr for
their cause of who they are,and and it fills them up in a
way. But it is good toremind them that, you know, hey,
let's do this for fun for usand get you know, bring a
(23:38):
joy in a different way. There'sother ways to fill at it and anyway,
I love your point. Yes,inevitably you get this like, wow,
this was so fun, you know, right, all you've done is
had a cup of coffee. Butyou know, I think we need to
be reminded as women, Brenda,that we need connection. I think men
(24:03):
need it too, but we areso fundamentally social as creatures as women.
Yes, and it's so different toconnect even like my podcast is a fantastic
holder of that connection for me tomeet people and spend an hour with them,
it's fantastic, you know, becausethere is there's moments where you feel
(24:27):
like your kindred spirits and it's sobeautiful, right it is, yes,
but it's it's not social media,but it's still not that long term where
you know that you can call thatperson and you can connect to that person.
So I think we almost have tocheck our outlets, right, And
(24:52):
where do you help people kind ofrecognize like we might think we're socializing is
my plot? Yeah, and itis a form of socializing. But I
think what you're talking about is thatdeep rooted connection of safety and really knowing
someone right. It is building alife alongside with a friend that you know
(25:17):
what they're going through, what themuck of their life is, and they
know yours and you walk through ittogether. And when you have something that
brings you joy and something you're proudof and excited about, they're there to
lift you up. And then whenyou have things that you're afraid of and
you or you are ashamed or whatever, they're there to console you, your
(25:42):
soft place to fall. So theyreally know you and you feel that knowingness.
So it does require, you know, not just you know, texting
here and there or whatever. There'sa strategy to build those over time,
because it's not something you don't wantto jump into the vulnerability pool on the
(26:04):
first day because that gets weird,right, and you could hurt yourself in
the process. You could hurt yourselfin the process and just awkward. Again.
I love your idea of looking intolike, you know, hiking clubs,
(26:25):
meetups, things like that. That'sa great idea if someone is starting
from scratch, because I know forus as a couple, we had friends
as couples, as young marrieds,from our church group, Like we went
through college group together. Then wewere young marrieds together, and there were
years where we had this really solidsocial circle. But then life starts to
happen. Yeah, right, Andso I think it's interesting to think about
(26:52):
who you've become because I think it'seasy to look out and be thinking looking
for what you're looking for. Butit's good to know who you are and
what you need. And that's anotherconversation point. Isn't it for women to
even know what they need? Sometimes? If you find that is a struggle
for some people, Yes, becausethey're empty. They haven't they haven't filled
(27:15):
that cup at all, and theyhave a lot of needs, but they
don't recognize it because it's that's notwho they are, not you know,
not who they've become. How doyou encourage women to reconnect with their own
authentic sense of what would help themfeel connected, what would help them feel
(27:37):
seen, heard, encouraged? Howdo you help them find that space?
Well, there's a lot of differentstrategies and activities. I might start with
kind of having maybe them journal andjournal what, you know, if their
life was a movie from here out, you know, what would they want?
(27:59):
Kind of trying to help them getthat dream or going again, you
know, maybe having the conversation notrealistically, Hey lady, you're only fifty,
you know you could easily You're onlyhalfway. Maybe you know, what
is it that we want to donow? And kind of sparks some of
those you know, ideas brainstorming,no bad ideas, Let's just kind of
(28:23):
start throwing things out there and seewhat sticks. So there's lots of different
little exercises and tools that kind ofdepending on where they are exactly where we
might start. M H. Ithink journaling is incredible. It gets all
that stuff out of your head.And sometimes I don't know about you,
but you're be writing and you're like, well, is that the word that
(28:45):
I really want to use? Likeit might be the word that's been spinning
in my head, and then yousee it in front of you and you're
like, well, that's not exactlyaccurate. More I've been thinking things and
not being honest. I think honestyand journaling is super important, like not
worrying about someone reading your journal,right, being able to really hash things
out. But to your point,there is a point where having that other
(29:08):
voice, that person that you cantalk to I think different friends meet different
needs to do you find that tobe true? Absolutely? Absolutely, Yeah,
there's I've got a high school friendthat, you know, an she's
just kind of like a family,you know that if I need this sense
(29:30):
of home, that's who I'm goingto reach out to for some extra time.
And maybe I've got a someone thatI love to go shopping with,
but my home friend does not wantto go shopping, right, you know
that she just does not like tryingon closed not you know. So yeah,
absolutely fill out your friendship spectrum withpeople who enjoy different things that you
(29:55):
love to do or what to growthat there you go. Right, So
there are groups like like, I'man artist, so I will do art
summits. I'm part of a mentorshipprogram and they have community talks so I
can actually connect with artists in acontext. I know they have that for
(30:15):
not necessarily mentorship groups for hiking,but I know there are groups for all
kinds of things that you can do, and you can like Facebook groups.
I am terrible at Facebook groups.I am just going to admit that upfront.
There's a Facebook group for my mentorshipand I'm just never in there.
(30:36):
But I think social media could potentiallybe a way of finding your tribe,
not staying on the social media,but finding and connecting with people. What
do you think about that? Well, yes, I mean we connect on
a super regular basis sometimes with someof our social media connections. And that's
(30:56):
a point where I might say,hey, do you have one or two
of those people that really stand out, that are local, somewhat local that
you can extend an olive branch,extend an invitation to meet in person for
coffee or something. And people arelike, oh, that would be weird,
(31:17):
But we used to do it allthe time as kids, did we
not? That's right, that's right, That's that's how it's done. So
guess what. They may want toconnect with you in the very same way,
but they think it's weird, butthey'll be so grateful if you have,
you know, the courage to makethat invitation. And guess what worst
(31:38):
case scenario, they're busy, whatever, it doesn't work out, it's not
going to work out, no bigdeal. It's really not about you,
it's about them, you know.But most of the time I think you
would find success in that. Andthen absolutely I would love to meet for
coffee or lunch and get to knowyou better, and that really sends a
strong message that I like you,I like your vibe. Let's I'd like
(32:00):
to get to know you better,you know, your friendship material. Yeah,
that would be you know, LikeI said, the people I've connected
with outside of the podcast don't liveanywhere near me. One of them was
actually in a foreign country, sothat wasn't a possibility. But I still
find that by using zoom and connecting, we did learn about each other.
So I would say, you know, if someone's far enough away, you
(32:23):
could have Zoom coffee dates. Yea, And it does on some level.
We were able to build a goodconnection. We were able to build I
think in person is always the best, but you know, you absolutely can
build connections virtually as well. I'mjust one of those that I feel like
(32:45):
I need to hug every once ina while, you know, or you
know, and you know, eyeballneed a knee even my graber hand once
in a while, you know,because for moments and that connection just kind
of takes it next level. Ithink it does. Absolutely. Let's talk
a little bit about your book,yeah what, I love it, and
(33:05):
give us a synopsis of that book. Yeah, it's it's called Lady in
the Tribe how to create Empowering friendshipCircles, And it's about the woman and
her journey through her roles in herlife and how they often lead us to
let ourselves go and how to comeback from that by building a tribe of
support. And it's kind of likea blueprint of the steps to take to
(33:29):
do that. And yes, it'sbeen It's the best thing I've ever done.
I really love that and what it'sdone for me and my life.
I love you my story throughout.It's my story plus the stories of other
women who have had other things happen, so to bring in some other perspectives.
So it's just a journey together towholeness. We are social beings,
(33:55):
you know, our need for otherpeople. It's one thing to be needed
in a functional sense, right,being needed by my family and being needed
for that role. But it's anotherthing to exhale when you see someone you
know what I'm talking about, You'relike, Noah, you know, being
needed as a confidant, being neededas a shoulder to someone outside of your
(34:22):
family. It's a totally different connection. It is. It's we were built
to belong and that is our ournest of belonging. What do you feel
are some of the best benefits oftaking this journey of being vulnerable and finding
(34:42):
this connection that you talk about.Yeah, well, you know what.
Health wise, social connection is upthere in a huge way. Of people
who live the longest they have strongsocial connections, and having lack of a
social connectivity is equivalent to I thinkI read in a research that fifteen cigarettes
(35:05):
a day, that's the detrim Itis equivalent to that. It ranks right
up there with heart disease and cancerand everything you can think of health wise.
Just having strong social connections and beinginteracting with people on a regular basis
really is good for your health,not just your soul and your mental health
(35:28):
right right, your mental health andand the joy, you know, bringing
back the joy in your life.Think about it. I mean, how
often do you become joyful by yourself? We are here on this earth to
find and experienced joy, and we'regoing to do that with our social connections
with other people, whether we evenknow them or not. You may be
(35:51):
in a group, something happens andyou experience it in a much bigger better
way because you're with other people.I had a word picture that popped into
my head and what I'm picturing,what you're saying in a visual is that
friendship. It's like we gather dirtand muck and dust in our souls as
(36:14):
life goes on, as difficulties happen, as things disappoint us, you know.
I mean, good things are happeningtoo, But we're collecting these experiences
and they can be like soil anddirt in our life, you know what
I mean. Yeah, So friendshipis like a shower that washes that muck
(36:34):
away. You know, it's likeyou've taken a shower. Because there's something
about opening yourself up to another person, to being seen and heard. I
know, we hear these things alot, and so it does get the
words get tired right being seen andheard because I think they've been used and
abused. But in the context Brenda, that you and I are talking about,
(36:57):
it's that intimacy of friends, shitthat you're talking about that washes us
clean because we have that ability tobe seen and heard and understood. They
may not feel the same way wedo, right right, Yeah, So
we can truly be our true authenticself because we are showing our everything.
(37:22):
It's not okay. They only getto see this piece of ammily and show
the good stuff. You can't,you know, you cannot live authentically in
that way, and that that's againwhere the joy comes from, is being
to be live in your authentic selfand be appreciated for your authentic self.
I think to your point about hownot having connection is bad for your physical
(37:45):
health, you know, I thinkone of the side effects of isolation that
we experienced globally is a lot moreon happiness because we were cut off from
something so fundamental to our health.That's no, that's for sure, I
mean, no question. We cansee it on a much bigger scale.
(38:07):
It's like in life before that itwas harder to identify. But I think
seeing it impact the world has reallyimpacted the way people engage. And I
think this would be one of theways back from that is if each person
yeah, absolutely, you know,it really did. It put a magnifying
(38:29):
glass on a lot of issues anda lot of things, and a lot
of great change has happened because ofwhat we went through. And now it's
up to us to you know,again launch in a bigger and better way
with our relationships and realize how importantthose are. Now. If you were
(38:50):
to kind of give people three strategiesor anchor points as they're listening to you
and they're thinking, ah, Ireally need to do this, what would
you say to them, Brenda,Well, gosh, there's there's so many
things. Where do I want tostart? I guess I want to just
recap that. You know, weare we are kind of a victim of
(39:13):
our habits and our comfort zone.It's not easy to make changes in our
life. And if we really reallyare feeling any sense of loneliness and want
to break free of that and livethis big life, this big, joyful
life that we're here to live,it's going to take. It's going to
(39:36):
be a little painful, just alittle bit, because it's just not our
comfort zone, our couch and youknow, binge watching Netflix is just calling
us right because it's so comfortable andmindless. But so the first thing is
to make that decision that you wantto live your life fully and you want
to grow some connections. And thenthe next step is to figure out a
(40:00):
few things that you really love welllearned to do more. What do you
want to you know, what isit? Exercise? Is it an art
class. Is it writing? Washow can I, you know, get
out into the world a little bitmore in a different way and express myself
find those opportunities, then show uptwo or three times at least three I've
(40:22):
started I three times and at leastthree times and extend that invitation to take
someone to another location. One keything is when we go and we do
things, even as moms, whenwe were going to you know, kids
play groups and all sports and allthat, it was, you know,
(40:43):
encapsulated by this activity, this onething. It isn't until you take that
to a second location that it reallybecomes a friendship building tool because you need
to create that friendship and relationship beyondthis thing. Because I like to call
this thing is where the friendlies breedand the friendlies are name a word I
(41:07):
made up, but it is thosesuperficial friendships. They're wonderful, fun people
to hang out with, and yousee them a lot and kind of you
kind of feel like you're really connectingand having friendship. But then when that
circumstance changes, the kids move onto different schools or that team goes away
all of a sudden, the convenienceisn't there anymore, so you completely lose
(41:29):
track of those people, so youhave to take it to another location and
start building that relationship together. SoI think that's two or three suggestions for
you. That's great. How canpeople find you, Brenda? Yeah,
so I the best point is mywebsite Brenda Ridgeley dot com. And I'll
spell that out because my last nameis a little funny. It's b r
(41:52):
E N d A r I dG l e y dot com. And
there you're going to find all kindsof events that I have going on.
I've got semi annual retreats for nowthey're in bracket Enrich, but we're going
to be going internationally here soon.Any workshops I might be doing in person
or virtual, and the latest andgreatest news on upcoming books and events.
(42:17):
Awesome. Well, Brenda, Iwant to thank you so much for coming
on the show today and for shiningyour light and for sharing your passion around
helping women find connection and friendship.Again, it's such an important topic and
it's something we long for, sothank you for shining light on the path
of how to get there. Ireally appreciate your time today. Well,
(42:39):
Gine, I appreciate you so much. The work you're doing is fabulous.
A connecting point for women and allkinds of information at this point in our
lives is so imperative. So thankyou for the great work you're doing.
It is my pleasure, you know, it is coming into that realization that
and I say this all the time, but from eighteen to forty eight is
(43:01):
thirty years. From forty eight toseventy eight is thirty years. So if
you're anywhere around fifty, you haveit. If your health is good and
Lord willing, you could live thesame number of years that you have from
graduating high school to now. There'sso much life to live, and there's
so many wonderful people that we couldshare that journey with. So I just
(43:22):
love this conversation me too. Thankyou so much. It's my pleasure today.
Friends. I want to remind youthat if you find us on YouTube,
just look down below. I'll havethose links to Brenda there, So
all you'll have to do is followthat trail if you're driving and you want
to head to my website when youget to a place where you're stopped at
(43:42):
www dot feminine roadmap dot com.Forward Slash episode three five to one.
The links will be there for youas well. Today we've been talking about
connection and reconnection because we have thingswe've loved, We have had people that
we love, and like Brenda said, sometimes those people and things change in
(44:04):
our lives. But there's more peopleand there's more things to experience and connect
to. So I really want toencourage you to challenge yourself, maybe this
week to try one thing, Maybeget online and research some opportunities that you
might be interested in putting yourself outthere for. You could do some community
theater, you could volunteer at alibrary, you could work at a soup
(44:27):
kitchen, you could go on ahiking group. There's so many things you
can do just to get yourself outthere and give yourself something to do outside
of the world that you've lived in, and expand yourself because as we grow
and we deepen our relationships, wedo become better versions of ourselves. So,
friends, thank you so much forbeing with us today. I look
(44:49):
forward to sharing more interesting information,fascinating people, and great strategies for you
in the weeks to come. Takecare, my friends. Bye bye,
Hi, Hi, Gina. Forare welcome to the Feminine Roadmap Podcast,
a global community of women in midlife. We gather here weekly over a cup
of something wonderful for real talk,life changing strategies and a big dose of
sisterhood. Now, please sit backand enjoy. Hello, Feminine road members,
(00:28):
Welcome back to Feminine Roadmap Podcast,the podcast that helps you navigate the
challenges and the changes of midlife andhelps you to live a more vibrant second
half. If you find us todayon YouTube, please don't forget to subscribe
and ring that bells you don't missany more of these conversations. If you're
on a podcast platform, please rememberto subscribe, rate, and share.
(00:49):
Today we are going to be talkingabout helping women reconnect with their passion,
their purpose, and more importantly,people after decades of kind of letting those
things go as we serve our familyand our businesses, and we're going to
come back from that in a powerfulway. My guest today is Brenda Ridgeley.
(01:10):
She is a midlife women's coach,an author, and a retreat facilitator.
Thank you Brenda for being on theshow today, Diina, thank you
so much for having me. I'mreally excited about our conversation. Me too.
Why don't you tell us a littlebit about your mission and message and
what led you to want to havethis impact on women's lives. Oh,
(01:30):
I'd be happy to. So,long story short, when I became a
mother, I let myself go,you know. And I'm not talking about
the yoga pants seven days a week, the weight gain, makeup free all
that, although many of those thingsdid happen. What I'm talking about is,
over the years, I slowly letgo of everything that I loved beyond
(01:53):
my family, everything that really mademe who I am in place of my
own act. You know, sports, Yeah, I used to play softball,
Well, now I'm the team momfor the kids, right Instead,
And instead of pursuing yoga and hikingand arts and writing, I was getting
my kids off signed up for thosethings. And instead of having lunch dates
(02:17):
and evenings with my girlfriends, Iwas scheduling play dates. And there's only
so much time. So over decadesof this happening. At the end of
this, I mean, there's noend to motherhood, hopefully, But as
my kids were transitioning and kind oflaunching it to their next I had a
(02:38):
panic attack, thinking who am Ianymore without my role as mother? You
know, I didn't know. AndI kind of spiraled for a few years
and what I call my funk yearsand literally praying to the universe on a
daily basis and God and whoever elsewould listen. What is going on with
(03:00):
me? I? You know,looking in from the outside, it looked
like I had this picture perfect life. You know, I have a beautiful
home and a wonderful husband and kidswho are healthy, happy and healthy,
and a couple of snuggle bucks lookgreat. You know, what is wrong
with me? Why do I havethis just gnawing sense of dissatisfaction in my
gun? Why didn't I want toget out of bed in the morning anymore?
(03:23):
And what I discovered after much Ifinally just started researching and reading and
doing all kinds of stuff. AndI was shocked at what the answer was.
And the answer was that I waslonely, you know, Gina.
Even though I was surrounded by peopletwenty four to seven, with a full
(03:45):
to do list and all kinds ofactivities, I wasn't putting myself out there
in a way to be seen andknown on a deeper level to my you
know, to friends, beyond myfamily, no one knew me anymore.
They didn't know what the struggles Ihad was. Everything you put out on
Facebook and all those social media sitesare all positive things, right, you
(04:08):
know, wonderful new cars and vacationsand all this, But nobody posts the
muck and the stresses in their lifethat much. And that's when I decided,
I have got to change this,and I've got I've got to know
where I fit in again. Ineed my tribe, and I guess the
rest is history. Yeah, itis so important. You know, it's
(04:32):
a shift for us to prioritize ourselvesin that way because there are, to
your point, always so many thingsto do. Yeah, and then you
try to get two women who havethose to do lists to get together,
just to prink up a copy.And I know how interesting it is to
(04:54):
try to get two calendars in midlifeto connect. It has been a unique
challenge. You are exactly right,Yes, And because you know, one
thing that's wonderful about our friendships alsois that they don't demand anything from us.
Everybody else in our life who lovesus very much, they also frequently
need something from us, yeah,right, And our girlfriends don't require that,
(05:17):
and they understand our busy lives,and so that's why they're easily neglected.
Well, and they too are oftenin a similar situation to us.
But when the to do list isso there right calling your name, and
and like, this might not applyto everyone's relationships. So like I do
(05:41):
not have grandchildren, but my friendswho do that adds the next level of
their kind of back into being momsto some degree with their grandchildren. So
I think it's an interesting season oflife because we all need that connection and
that friendship. I feel it,I really do. And I think as
our bodies change and our emotions change, and our bodies change, and the
(06:05):
expectations of us change to some degree, there's a bit of a puzzle I
find in creating those reconnections. Again, it has been a real intentional journey
to make it happen. Do youfind it that's true? Well, that's
an excellent word. Absolutely. Itdoes require versus a decision and then intention
(06:25):
to make this happen, because itwon't happen organically. It's not like when
we were kids and we were ploppedinto friendship breeding grounds for hours at a
time. Right, we have tomake a decision and a commitment. And
you know, in this day andage with a social with a virtual option
for everything, it is really hardto get that FaceTime and you and you
(06:46):
have to go after it and withthat decision and action. I wonder how
much that virtual You know, wealways talk about impacting children, right,
We talk about it impacting young people, but I think on some level it's
got to be impacting our generation aswell. Oh absolutely, I think in
(07:08):
a way more so. I meanthe kids, it's become their norm,
so it's definitely impacting them, butthey don't really get it or see it
maybe as much as we do whohave had these this life of social connection,
you know, significant social connection inthe past, and now we have
this absence of it. And youknow, we were literally told to distance
(07:30):
socially and to separate ourselves and don'tyou know, connect for years, and
we're paying the price for that rightnow. And you know, midlife women
in particular, again, after we'vegiven all of our energy and go all
in like we do with everything wedo, and we care about to our
own expense, you know, it'stime for us to make those connections again.
(07:57):
And we are friends, are reallyour mirrors. They show us who
we are, you know, andyou know and again how we fit in
and we're all kind of going throughthis together, but we feel alone and
that's just really not necessary. Youknow. It's so easy to get in
(08:18):
your own head too, isn't itlike if you don't have someone else who
can give you a different perspective.I think it can be very difficult emotionally
for us to lose sight of realitybecause it is our reality. If all
we do is talk to ourselves allthe time, right, I think having
another voice outside of your head isprobably a fairly healthy thing to have,
(08:41):
yeah, sounding board just for what'sgoing on. Hey, am I on
the right track? Here my feelingthis way and have someone to say,
oh, I feel that too,And you know your butt doesn't look big
in those genes. Whatever it mightbe, just having a sounding board is
an incredible opportunity to disconnect and grow. So I would really like to hear
(09:07):
more about your perspective on reconnecting withpassion and purpose because this season of our
lives, a lot of women areat this crossroads. They feel this really
strong pull toward what's next? Whatdo I want to do? And focusing
on themselves. For some people feelsvery foreign. For other people, it
(09:28):
feels like the next step. Solet's talk a little bit about that.
Oh absolutely, it's so important.So in my book Lady and the Tribe,
How to Create Empowering friendship Circles,I talk about, you know how
important it's all about building a tribeof support for yourself. But really the
beginning of the process is working onthe leader of your tribe, which is
(09:50):
you. We are all the leadersof our own tribe, and we first
have to work on ourselves to kindof figure out get ourselves to a point
where we will attract the right kindsof women into our tribe. And a
great way to do that is firstthing I suggest to my clients is we've
got to explore your interests. Wehave to what did you love to do
(10:13):
when you were a kid or ayoung adult. What were the things that
you spent your time on before you, you know, found a mate or
a partner, before you had kids. What were the things that you loved
to do. And maybe it's timefor us to find opportunities to tap back
into those things, or maybe there'ssome things I've talked to a lot of
(10:37):
women who kind of just went immediatelyfrom high school into marriage and kids and
all that. I never really evengot to explore stuff. What things interested
you, but you never got toexplore them, you know what kinds of
things. Let's tap into that andfind an opportunity through a meetup or a
rec center or a group of somesorts to show up, you join or
(11:03):
whatever, show up a few times, and start diving into that interest because
you're going to love it already,because you already have an interest in it,
and you're going to meet some otherpeople who also love it. So
again, that can be a reallya great place to meet some new women
that have common interests and you havesomething to talk about right off the bat,
(11:24):
right because you have that common interest. And I always say you have
to when you find a new group. It's kind of people are nervous at
first getting out there, getting offthe couch right in their comfort zone,
even if it's something they are excitedabout learning or doing. Again, commit
(11:46):
to yourself that you're going to showup at least three times, because the
first time is going to be awkward, the second time is going to go
okay, that's a little better,and maybe I see someone that was there
last time, and by the thirdtime you were there, belong there,
and that's the conversations are going tocome so much easier. And you just
you know, start with a superopen ended question saying, Hi, you
(12:09):
know, my name is Gina,and you know I love this. Tell
me why are you here? Whatdo you love about this? And let
them talk? Yeah, right,yeah, because being an act a great
listener is a wonderful friendship skill.So exploring interests is a huge part of,
(12:30):
you know, cultivating the leader ofyour tribe. And another thing is
kind of really taking some time forintrospection to discover your why. And a
lot of people are like, whatdo you mean by that? They kind
of know what they what I meanby that, but they're like, and
I'm not really sure. What isit that gets you out of bed in
the morning, beyond your family andyour commitments? What is it that brings
(12:54):
you joy? And what would haveyou what would have you jumping out out
of bed in the morning. Andmost of the time when I'm working with
clients, it's this is a processthat can take an hour or it can
take weeks to because we have beenfed information and told what we want and
what you know, what we thinkeven for you know, decades now to
(13:18):
the point where we don't even knowwhat it is anymore. Yeah, so
we have to start peeling back thatonion layer by layer to get down to
the core of who we are andwhat drives us and what we would what
we live for, and what wewould die for, you know, what
is it? And from that point, when we get to that point and
(13:39):
I have them right out their whyand they get the goosebumps, they go,
this is it. This is mywhy. And when you start living
in that space and pursuing your whyyou are, you've become a magnet for
other people that are also you knowwell appreciate those things, want to do
(14:01):
those things, and energetically you area bright light now again because you are
charged up from inside. So thoseare the things, the first couple things
that I found. There are aboutten steps to kind of getting back on
track, but those are for thefirst couple that we work on together.
Yeah, you know, we're outof the habit sometimes, that social bit,
(14:24):
you know, that meeting people.It's different in a business context than
it is in a personal context.Because sure, when you meet like networking,
you have this third element, thebusiness, the you know, the
is outside of you in that personyou're actually point you're both talking about this
(14:45):
other thing. And I think thatshift to facing someone and being vulnerable and
being like, you know, Iwonder if this person could be someone that
I could enjoy, you know.I find that I've connected with some of
my podcast US guests, like offthe podcast and it's just been for a
season, but it was something thatI wanted to bring up as you were
(15:07):
talking, is sometimes it may notbe that forever friend, but you can
have a six month connection or oneyear connection and it serves a purpose and
it still has value. And Ithink our factory setting is we're going to
be friends for life, right,you know, when you meet someone that
you connect with and you like.So I really think that shifting to that
(15:31):
vulnerability and understanding that in these seasonsof life one we've changed, right,
and we're meeting people that we don'tknow. So there's so many things in
flux. We're figuring out that maybewe do have a connection with someone,
but maybe that connection is short termand that's okay. At least for me,
(15:52):
this midlife journey of building connection hasbeen a bit more. It's been
a bit more flexible because, likeyou said, is children were put in
it and then you go to schoolthese people sometimes six years, sometimes twelve
years, and so you know,this is us creating our own playground,
This is us creating our own groupof people. So I think there's a
(16:14):
shift that's helpful. At least I'venoticed that sometimes the connection is just for
a season. Yeah, absolutely,you are. You're spot on, and
there's going to be people that areyou have a friendship around a certain topic
or a certain thing, But noteverybody's going to make your tribe, you
know, And that's okay. Thisis not a quantity type of situation.
(16:37):
It's a quality. I bill firmlybelieve and teach that everyone should have two
to five besties and these are womenor men in some situations that actually help
us grow in different areas of ourlife that we have an interest, you
know, because and I've talked toa lot of women who say, my
(16:59):
partner is my best friend and everythingand we do everything. And I think
that's beautiful and wonderful, But that'sa lot of pressure for one person to
meet all of your needs. Youknow, my spouse doesn't particularly care that
much about yoga or hiking or certainlynot camping. But so I can find
a tribe mate that really loves that, and I can give my husband a
(17:21):
break and he can go do histhing sometime, and I can go sit
around a campfire with a girlfriend anddrink a glass of wine and fill myself
up and keep growing in that wayrather than just letting it go, which
is what happened for years. Sincehe didn't like it, I didn't do
it for ten years, you know. And that's just one example of just
(17:42):
finding an area. Maybe we needa wise mentor someone who's just a few
years ahead of us that can giveus advice. Maybe we need an exercise
buddy, you know. Maybe weneed someone that just you know, appreciates
us. A fangirl, someone that'salways cheering us on. You know.
So these are the different I havemy clients kind of design who they're looking
(18:06):
for before we go find them,and what what what do you love to
do, and what would this personlook like? And we kind of nail
it down, we kind of reallydescribe them and depth, and then we
let the universe kind of start todo its work. You know. There's
brain science behind it, because oncewe tell our brains what we're looking for,
our brain actually looks for it.You know. It's like putting intennas
(18:32):
on our intention, right, It'slike I'm going to intend to do this,
and now I'm going to see itbecause I'm looking for it, right.
And I think, do you findthat sometimes people stumble along the way
even because maybe what we think wewant and what we actually want might sometimes
(18:52):
be a little bit different. Yes, absolutely, because we've a lot of
we've grown up, even as achild, with expectations of what we should
be or who we should become,or what we should do. And there's
our points where you're like, isthat me? Or is that this programming
that I've had? Uh? Andthat's when we do need to kind of
(19:15):
get back to if we haven't reallydug down to the goosebump a phase of
the why exercise, Let's let's revisitthat, because I don't know if this
one doesn't it is not not lightand yet like I would expect, right,
And I think there's some curiosity tothe process because if we have in
(19:36):
some ways or in many ways lostourselves in the process. The thing for
me, if I might give adifferent slant on this. I didn't lose
myself in the process. I justpoured myself in. I did maintain a
lot of the things that I liketo do, but my priorities were mm
(19:57):
everyone else has been my children,you know. And so I think that
for some women it might not bea complete loss of self as much as
it is a shift in prioritizing,you know, because for me, I
wasn't. I didn't get lost inthe process, but I identified so strongly
(20:19):
with certain parts of what I didthat I was sad and I grieved it
when it was gone right right,But I had held on to things that
I was interested in. But thennow it has to be like okay,
ye to do it, do youknow what I mean, like a shift
in your mind that it's okay todo those things right. Yeah, we
got to let go of the momguilt or whatever guilt it is that has
(20:42):
been holding on to us. Andyou're right, there's going to be a
whole spectrum of where one might fit. Some completely lost not do don't even
remember what they used to love todo, you know, to the point
where to the others that like,hey, I did a good job,
I kept in touch with a fewfew besties. I would connect on a
(21:03):
at least monthly. You know thesekinds of things. Uh, and you're
gonna be anywhere in there. Butthere is definitely work that we can do
to uh self actualize, get tobecome our you know, most supported best
self, to launch ourselves into whatever'snext for us. Because this is this
(21:23):
was driving me crazy, Gina.You know, when you're a kid,
you kind of have a bunch ofchecks ahead. You know, you wanted
to graduate high school, you wantedto graduate college, you wanted or whatever,
get a good job, maybe finda partner, get married, whatever,
buy a house, have kids,yay? Check tech tech tech check?
What what after that? What's what'swhat do we aspire to? That's
(21:45):
when we feel like, am Idone? Is? That? Is?
It? Is this over? Youknow? Should I just now? All
I've got to do is wait forgrandkids? And that's you know, no,
no, you this is our mostpowerful point. Oh my gosh,
all we've learned and all we've done. We can harness this and get back
to our solidity of like what firesus up and go after it. Make
(22:08):
a difference whatever that means for you, change the world. Mm hmmmm hm.
Yes, yes, I think it'sa bit to your point, Like
some people are getting back on thebike to ride, and some people have
never ridden the bike in the firstplace, right, and recognizing where where
does one start? You know?Yeah? Where what we're talking about where,
(22:33):
you know, having time for yourselfand prioritizing yourself. I have people
in my life who they choose notto do it that way, and so
we our friendship is is more intentionalbecause I have to fit in around that
the way that they choose to prioritizetheir life. And I think, if
(22:56):
I might expound on that for asecond, it's good to have women of
different experiences and priorities like that sometimesbecause sometimes I need to be checked sometimes
they need to be encouraged, youknow what I mean. Like, I
think that's one of the benefits offriendship, isn't it. Oh yeah,
absolutely, a checkpoint. You know. A lot the women that you are
(23:18):
describing, you know, they geta big sense of their identity from this
service, and maybe even to thepoint of being somewhat of a martyr for
their cause of who they are,and and it fills them up in a
way. But it is good toremind them that, you know, hey,
let's do this for fun for usand get you know, bring a
(23:38):
joy in a different way. There'sother ways to fill at it and anyway,
I love your point. Yes,inevitably you get this like, wow,
this was so fun, you know, right, all you've done is
had a cup of coffee. Butyou know, I think we need to
be reminded as women, Brenda,that we need connection. I think men
(24:03):
need it too, but we areso fundamentally social as creatures as women.
Yes, and it's so different toconnect even like my podcast is a fantastic
holder of that connection for me tomeet people and spend an hour with them,
it's fantastic, you know, becausethere is there's moments where you feel
(24:27):
like your kindred spirits and it's sobeautiful, right it is, yes,
but it's it's not social media,but it's still not that long term where
you know that you can call thatperson and you can connect to that person.
So I think we almost have tocheck our outlets, right, And
(24:52):
where do you help people kind ofrecognize like we might think we're socializing is
my plot? Yeah, and itis a form of socializing. But I
think what you're talking about is thatdeep rooted connection of safety and really knowing
someone right. It is building alife alongside with a friend that you know
(25:17):
what they're going through, what themuck of their life is, and they
know yours and you walk through ittogether. And when you have something that
brings you joy and something you're proudof and excited about, they're there to
lift you up. And then whenyou have things that you're afraid of and
you or you are ashamed or whatever, they're there to console you, your
(25:42):
soft place to fall. So theyreally know you and you feel that knowingness.
So it does require, you know, not just you know, texting
here and there or whatever. There'sa strategy to build those over time,
because it's not something you don't wantto jump into the vulnerability pool on the
(26:04):
first day because that gets weird,right, and you could hurt yourself in
the process. You could hurt yourselfin the process and just awkward. Again.
I love your idea of looking intolike, you know, hiking clubs,
(26:25):
meetups, things like that. That'sa great idea if someone is starting
from scratch, because I know forus as a couple, we had friends
as couples, as young marrieds,from our church group, Like we went
through college group together. Then wewere young marrieds together, and there were
years where we had this really solidsocial circle. But then life starts to
happen. Yeah, right, Andso I think it's interesting to think about
(26:52):
who you've become because I think it'seasy to look out and be thinking looking
for what you're looking for. Butit's good to know who you are and
what you need. And that's anotherconversation point. Isn't it for women to
even know what they need? Sometimes? If you find that is a struggle
for some people, Yes, becausethey're empty. They haven't they haven't filled
(27:15):
that cup at all, and theyhave a lot of needs, but they
don't recognize it because it's that's notwho they are, not you know,
not who they've become. How doyou encourage women to reconnect with their own
authentic sense of what would help themfeel connected, what would help them feel
(27:37):
seen, heard, encouraged? Howdo you help them find that space?
Well, there's a lot of differentstrategies and activities. I might start with
kind of having maybe them journal andjournal what, you know, if their
life was a movie from here out, you know, what would they want?
(27:59):
Kind of trying to help them getthat dream or going again, you
know, maybe having the conversation notrealistically, Hey lady, you're only fifty,
you know you could easily You're onlyhalfway. Maybe you know, what
is it that we want to donow? And kind of sparks some of
those you know, ideas brainstorming,no bad ideas, Let's just kind of
(28:23):
start throwing things out there and seewhat sticks. So there's lots of different
little exercises and tools that kind ofdepending on where they are exactly where we
might start. M H. Ithink journaling is incredible. It gets all
that stuff out of your head.And sometimes I don't know about you,
but you're be writing and you're like, well, is that the word that
(28:45):
I really want to use? Likeit might be the word that's been spinning
in my head, and then yousee it in front of you and you're
like, well, that's not exactlyaccurate. More I've been thinking things and
not being honest. I think honestyand journaling is super important, like not
worrying about someone reading your journal,right, being able to really hash things
out. But to your point,there is a point where having that other
(29:08):
voice, that person that you cantalk to I think different friends meet different
needs to do you find that tobe true? Absolutely? Absolutely, Yeah,
there's I've got a high school friendthat, you know, an she's
just kind of like a family,you know that if I need this sense
(29:30):
of home, that's who I'm goingto reach out to for some extra time.
And maybe I've got a someone thatI love to go shopping with,
but my home friend does not wantto go shopping, right, you know
that she just does not like tryingon closed not you know. So yeah,
absolutely fill out your friendship spectrum withpeople who enjoy different things that you
(29:55):
love to do or what to growthat there you go. Right, So
there are groups like like, I'man artist, so I will do art
summits. I'm part of a mentorshipprogram and they have community talks so I
can actually connect with artists in acontext. I know they have that for
(30:15):
not necessarily mentorship groups for hiking,but I know there are groups for all
kinds of things that you can do, and you can like Facebook groups.
I am terrible at Facebook groups.I am just going to admit that upfront.
There's a Facebook group for my mentorshipand I'm just never in there.
(30:36):
But I think social media could potentiallybe a way of finding your tribe,
not staying on the social media,but finding and connecting with people. What
do you think about that? Well, yes, I mean we connect on
a super regular basis sometimes with someof our social media connections. And that's
(30:56):
a point where I might say,hey, do you have one or two
of those people that really stand out, that are local, somewhat local that
you can extend an olive branch,extend an invitation to meet in person for
coffee or something. And people arelike, oh, that would be weird,
(31:17):
But we used to do it allthe time as kids, did we
not? That's right, that's right, That's that's how it's done. So
guess what. They may want toconnect with you in the very same way,
but they think it's weird, butthey'll be so grateful if you have,
you know, the courage to makethat invitation. And guess what worst
(31:38):
case scenario, they're busy, whatever, it doesn't work out, it's not
going to work out, no bigdeal. It's really not about you,
it's about them, you know.But most of the time I think you
would find success in that. Andthen absolutely I would love to meet for
coffee or lunch and get to knowyou better, and that really sends a
strong message that I like you,I like your vibe. Let's I'd like
(32:00):
to get to know you better,you know, your friendship material. Yeah,
that would be you know, LikeI said, the people I've connected
with outside of the podcast don't liveanywhere near me. One of them was
actually in a foreign country, sothat wasn't a possibility. But I still
find that by using zoom and connecting, we did learn about each other.
So I would say, you know, if someone's far enough away, you
(32:23):
could have Zoom coffee dates. Yea, And it does on some level.
We were able to build a goodconnection. We were able to build I
think in person is always the best, but you know, you absolutely can
build connections virtually as well. I'mjust one of those that I feel like
(32:45):
I need to hug every once ina while, you know, or you
know, and you know, eyeballneed a knee even my graber hand once
in a while, you know,because for moments and that connection just kind
of takes it next level. Ithink it does. Absolutely. Let's talk
a little bit about your book,yeah what, I love it, and
(33:05):
give us a synopsis of that book. Yeah, it's it's called Lady in
the Tribe how to create Empowering friendshipCircles, And it's about the woman and
her journey through her roles in herlife and how they often lead us to
let ourselves go and how to comeback from that by building a tribe of
support. And it's kind of likea blueprint of the steps to take to
(33:29):
do that. And yes, it'sbeen It's the best thing I've ever done.
I really love that and what it'sdone for me and my life.
I love you my story throughout.It's my story plus the stories of other
women who have had other things happen, so to bring in some other perspectives.
So it's just a journey together towholeness. We are social beings,
(33:55):
you know, our need for otherpeople. It's one thing to be needed
in a functional sense, right,being needed by my family and being needed
for that role. But it's anotherthing to exhale when you see someone you
know what I'm talking about, You'relike, Noah, you know, being
needed as a confidant, being neededas a shoulder to someone outside of your
(34:22):
family. It's a totally different connection. It is. It's we were built
to belong and that is our ournest of belonging. What do you feel
are some of the best benefits oftaking this journey of being vulnerable and finding
(34:42):
this connection that you talk about.Yeah, well, you know what.
Health wise, social connection is upthere in a huge way. Of people
who live the longest they have strongsocial connections, and having lack of a
social connectivity is equivalent to I thinkI read in a research that fifteen cigarettes
(35:05):
a day, that's the detrim Itis equivalent to that. It ranks right
up there with heart disease and cancerand everything you can think of health wise.
Just having strong social connections and beinginteracting with people on a regular basis
really is good for your health,not just your soul and your mental health
(35:28):
right right, your mental health andand the joy, you know, bringing
back the joy in your life.Think about it. I mean, how
often do you become joyful by yourself? We are here on this earth to
find and experienced joy, and we'regoing to do that with our social connections
with other people, whether we evenknow them or not. You may be
(35:51):
in a group, something happens andyou experience it in a much bigger better
way because you're with other people.I had a word picture that popped into
my head and what I'm picturing,what you're saying in a visual is that
friendship. It's like we gather dirtand muck and dust in our souls as
(36:14):
life goes on, as difficulties happen, as things disappoint us, you know.
I mean, good things are happeningtoo, But we're collecting these experiences
and they can be like soil anddirt in our life, you know what
I mean. Yeah, So friendshipis like a shower that washes that muck
(36:34):
away. You know, it's likeyou've taken a shower. Because there's something
about opening yourself up to another person, to being seen and heard. I
know, we hear these things alot, and so it does get the
words get tired right being seen andheard because I think they've been used and
abused. But in the context Brenda, that you and I are talking about,
(36:57):
it's that intimacy of friends, shitthat you're talking about that washes us
clean because we have that ability tobe seen and heard and understood. They
may not feel the same way wedo, right right, Yeah, So
we can truly be our true authenticself because we are showing our everything.
(37:22):
It's not okay. They only getto see this piece of ammily and show
the good stuff. You can't,you know, you cannot live authentically in
that way, and that that's againwhere the joy comes from, is being
to be live in your authentic selfand be appreciated for your authentic self.
I think to your point about hownot having connection is bad for your physical
(37:45):
health, you know, I thinkone of the side effects of isolation that
we experienced globally is a lot moreon happiness because we were cut off from
something so fundamental to our health.That's no, that's for sure, I
mean, no question. We cansee it on a much bigger scale.
(38:07):
It's like in life before that itwas harder to identify. But I think
seeing it impact the world has reallyimpacted the way people engage. And I
think this would be one of theways back from that is if each person
yeah, absolutely, you know,it really did. It put a magnifying
(38:29):
glass on a lot of issues anda lot of things, and a lot
of great change has happened because ofwhat we went through. And now it's
up to us to you know,again launch in a bigger and better way
with our relationships and realize how importantthose are. Now. If you were
(38:50):
to kind of give people three strategiesor anchor points as they're listening to you
and they're thinking, ah, Ireally need to do this, what would
you say to them, Brenda,Well, gosh, there's there's so many
things. Where do I want tostart? I guess I want to just
recap that. You know, weare we are kind of a victim of
(39:13):
our habits and our comfort zone.It's not easy to make changes in our
life. And if we really reallyare feeling any sense of loneliness and want
to break free of that and livethis big life, this big, joyful
life that we're here to live,it's going to take. It's going to
(39:36):
be a little painful, just alittle bit, because it's just not our
comfort zone, our couch and youknow, binge watching Netflix is just calling
us right because it's so comfortable andmindless. But so the first thing is
to make that decision that you wantto live your life fully and you want
to grow some connections. And thenthe next step is to figure out a
(40:00):
few things that you really love welllearned to do more. What do you
want to you know, what isit? Exercise? Is it an art
class. Is it writing? Washow can I, you know, get
out into the world a little bitmore in a different way and express myself
find those opportunities, then show uptwo or three times at least three I've
(40:22):
started I three times and at leastthree times and extend that invitation to take
someone to another location. One keything is when we go and we do
things, even as moms, whenwe were going to you know, kids
play groups and all sports and allthat, it was, you know,
(40:43):
encapsulated by this activity, this onething. It isn't until you take that
to a second location that it reallybecomes a friendship building tool because you need
to create that friendship and relationship beyondthis thing. Because I like to call
this thing is where the friendlies breedand the friendlies are name a word I
(41:07):
made up, but it is thosesuperficial friendships. They're wonderful, fun people
to hang out with, and yousee them a lot and kind of you
kind of feel like you're really connectingand having friendship. But then when that
circumstance changes, the kids move onto different schools or that team goes away
all of a sudden, the convenienceisn't there anymore, so you completely lose
(41:29):
track of those people, so youhave to take it to another location and
start building that relationship together. SoI think that's two or three suggestions for
you. That's great. How canpeople find you, Brenda? Yeah,
so I the best point is mywebsite Brenda Ridgeley dot com. And I'll
spell that out because my last nameis a little funny. It's b r
(41:52):
E N d A r I dG l e y dot com. And
there you're going to find all kindsof events that I have going on.
I've got semi annual retreats for nowthey're in bracket Enrich, but we're going
to be going internationally here soon.Any workshops I might be doing in person
or virtual, and the latest andgreatest news on upcoming books and events.
(42:17):
Awesome. Well, Brenda, Iwant to thank you so much for coming
on the show today and for shiningyour light and for sharing your passion around
helping women find connection and friendship.Again, it's such an important topic and
it's something we long for, sothank you for shining light on the path
of how to get there. Ireally appreciate your time today. Well,
(42:39):
Gine, I appreciate you so much. The work you're doing is fabulous.
A connecting point for women and allkinds of information at this point in our
lives is so imperative. So thankyou for the great work you're doing.
It is my pleasure, you know, it is coming into that realization that
and I say this all the time, but from eighteen to forty eight is
(43:01):
thirty years. From forty eight toseventy eight is thirty years. So if
you're anywhere around fifty, you haveit. If your health is good and
Lord willing, you could live thesame number of years that you have from
graduating high school to now. There'sso much life to live, and there's
so many wonderful people that we couldshare that journey with. So I just
(43:22):
love this conversation me too. Thankyou so much. It's my pleasure today.
Friends. I want to remind youthat if you find us on YouTube,
just look down below. I'll havethose links to Brenda there, So
all you'll have to do is followthat trail if you're driving and you want
to head to my website when youget to a place where you're stopped at
(43:42):
www dot feminine roadmap dot com.Forward Slash episode three five to one.
The links will be there for youas well. Today we've been talking about
connection and reconnection because we have thingswe've loved, We have had people that
we love, and like Brenda said, sometimes those people and things change in
(44:04):
our lives. But there's more peopleand there's more things to experience and connect
to. So I really want toencourage you to challenge yourself, maybe this
week to try one thing, Maybeget online and research some opportunities that you
might be interested in putting yourself outthere for. You could do some community
theater, you could volunteer at alibrary, you could work at a soup
(44:27):
kitchen, you could go on ahiking group. There's so many things you
can do just to get yourself outthere and give yourself something to do outside
of the world that you've lived in, and expand yourself because as we grow
and we deepen our relationships, wedo become better versions of ourselves. So,
friends, thank you so much forbeing with us today. I look
(44:49):
forward to sharing more interesting information,fascinating people, and great strategies for you
in the weeks to come. Takecare, my friends. Bye bye,
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