January 29, 2024 • 48 mins
Today on Feminine Roadmap guest Alison Jacobson shares her story of overcoming adversity with courage. After the loss of her son and her marriage along with bankruptcy, Alison found her life in a state of chaos. In this episode she talks about what that season of her life taught her about courage, empathy and grace. One key lesson was to hang on and hold your ground while the ground underneath you is shaking, hold firm until it settles. She encourages listeners to insist on peace in their lives and reclaim their boundaries. Throughout the journey, it’s important to recognize what we can and cannot change then choose how we frame those things in a way that empowers us to move forward. Alison reminds us that as we make these changes in our lives, it may impact some of our relationships and to be okay with it. Dialing in on our internal compass enables us to find freedom from self-importance and the things that are no longer important. Empathy, grace, and vulnerability are important to help us overcome adversity with courage. So please grab a cuppa something wonderful and join us for this gentle, encouraging conversation. www.alison-jacobson.com
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Episode Transcript
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(00:03):
Hi, Hi'm gina. For arewelcome to the Feminine Roadmap podcast, a
global community of women in midlife.We gather here weekly over a cup of
something wonderful for real talk, lifechanging strategies and a big dose of sisterhood.
Now please sit back and enjoy.Hello, Feminine Roadmappers. Welcome back
(00:28):
to Feminine Roadmap Podcasts, the podcastthat helps you navigate the challenges and the
changes of midlife and empowers you tolive a more vibrant second half. If
you find us on YouTube today,please don't forget to subscribe and ring that
bells you don't miss any more conversations. And if you're on a podcast platform,
please follow and rate this podcast andshare it with your friends. Today
(00:52):
we are going to be talking aboutovercoming adversity. My guest believes there's nothing
you can't do if you put yourmind to it. As long as you
have courage, clarity, confidence andconsistency, you can do anything. My
guest today is Alison Jacobson. Sheis a coach, a speaker, and
the author of Daily Inspirations for MidlifeWomen, A Guide to Peace, Joy,
(01:18):
confidence and Abundance. Allison, thankyou so much for being on the
show today. Thank you so muchfor having me. It is my pleasure.
Why don't you tell us a littlebit about your mission and your message,
what brought you to where you aretoday and doing what it is that
you do well. My journey startedout with a lot of tragedy. My
(01:38):
first son died of sudden infant deathsyndrome in nineteen ninety seven. My second
son has intellectual disabilities. I wentthrough a horrific divorce and ended up declaring
bankruptcy. So I was flat broke, got out of that, rebuilt my
business, and then met and marriedan amazing man. Met him on Match
(01:59):
does Have But unfortunately, four weeksafter we were married, he was diagnosed
with primary progressive MS, and soI went from being a new bride to
a new caregiver for three generations inmy life now, my son, my
husband, and my mom who liveswith us. So I am primary breadwinner,
primary caregiver. But one of thethings you realize when you've gone through
(02:23):
all of this, especially having yourchild die, you've been through helen back
and if you can survive that,you can truly survive anything. M It's
such a devastating story and it's incrediblethat you sit here today with a message
from that mess that your life producedand presented to you. Now, what
(02:49):
was it that allowed you to figureout or empowered you to really figure out
how to turn it around? I'msure at the time, especially with your
son, there was that season ofgrief. I've had some great conversations around
grief. But how did you personallytake that devastating experience and change, like
(03:09):
not fall into a pit? Well, you know, it's so often where
people would say to me and stillsay to me, I could never survive
what you survived. But the realityis none of us think we can until
we're in it, and so manyof us have faced devastating tragedies. And
(03:30):
one of the things I learned veryquickly is that I had to take one
small step at a time. IfI looked too far into the future,
it was so overwhelming I couldn't surviveit. And so literally I would congratulate
myself for just getting out of bedin the morning, those small steps and
(03:52):
give myself the grace when I hada horrible day to say, okay,
you have every right to that,but then to say, now it's time
time to move on, so wecan have that pity party, but at
some point you need to leave theparty and you need to keep going.
And so that was one of thethings. But I think the most important
thing that I learned going through thedeath of my son was empathy, because
(04:15):
I would look around and realize thateverybody has a story. They may not
have it written on their face,but everybody has a story, and to
show grace to all of those people. The other thing I learned, though,
is to also be selfish with mytime, because it made me realize
how short and precious it is,and to not waste it on toxic relationships
(04:39):
or toxic situations, and to reallykeep and hold close those people that meant
the most to me. You mentionedgrace more than once, and I think
that's a powerful practice, isn't it. It's critical. It's critical because so
much of what we deal with whenwe are struggling is the anger, the
(05:05):
choice not to accept things as theyare. And look, there are some
things that we can't change, butwe can always change how we perceive them,
and it is up to us.So we need to be give ourselves
grace, but then we need togive those other people grace and let them
(05:25):
go. It's so interesting the olderthat I get. Maybe you find this
too, that in these seasons oflife, you know, there's people that
come into our life and they havea purpose. Sometimes it's for us to
learn something really hard. Right.Sometimes we enjoy them, but they don't.
It's rare to have someone stay throughevery season of your life, you
(05:47):
know, it really is. AndI'll tell you though, there are certain
people. When my son died,when I got a divorce, and many
of my coaching clients find this whenthey're going going through a divorce, the
people they thought would stand by themare gone, and the people they least
expected to come into their world arethere for them. And I think that
(06:11):
the people that leave your life notonly do they leave because it's the season,
but there are certain things they arestruggling with and they can't accept.
If they see you get a divorceand they leave, it might be because
they're having challenges in their own marriageand they're afraid to look. They're afraid
to take that bold step you've takenby leaving that marriage. And so it
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goes back to, you know,let them go understand they're dealing with their
own stuff and that doesn't have toprevent you from moving on and not holding
that anger and that resentment because that'swhat keeps you back. And another layer
of that is sometimes it doesn't haveanything to do with us, and we
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can feel like, what did Ido wrong? Right? We feel responsible,
if you will, for the healthand the longevity of every relationship that
we have. And I think sometimes, like you said, it's just them.
The mirror that you hold up,whether you mean to or not,
reflects something that they're just not readyto face and change. You probably find
(07:23):
this as a coach. When youhelp people change, it definitely changes their
social circle, you know. Andthat's something that I really work on with
my clients, is the boundaries andthe change, and especially for women in
midlife, right, this is thetime and you know this, This is
what you talk about too. Thisis an opportunity for us to reclaim who
(07:45):
we were before we became mom andpartner and caregiver and everything else, and
to embrace the badass person we canbecome. The problem with that, though,
is there are some people that don'twant us to change. Right fits
nicely into their lives or well meetingadult children who say, Mom, you
know you can't do that. Youknow, that's gonna you're too old for
(08:09):
that, and there's no such thing. But to really understand that people aren't
going to want you to change,and have the put up the boundaries to
say, this is my life,this is how I choose to live it.
I love you, but you mayhave to love them. From afart
and this season of life to findingthose relationships, I agree with you that
(08:35):
I have some surprising relationships that Ijust didn't see being the relationships and the
people I totally thought we're going tobe there to the end of the line
aren't in my life at all.There was not a problem. It is
so surprising. And I think whenwe're going through difficult things, the refining
process is so much more than whatwe're going through. You know, it
(09:00):
does ripple out to our relationships andthings. And you mentioned grief, and
there is some grief to you know, you lose your child, there's grief
there, and your bandwidth is probablyfull. I would imagine, yeah,
it's probably you know, one ofthose things where I would imagine you wake
up one day and you just kindof like, where did the life I
(09:22):
thought I was going to have go? Oh? And I look back now
twenty six years later, and Igrieve for the grul I was because in
that instant I lost my innocence.I grew up way too fast. Way
I learned, I hardened, andI learned the realities of life way too
(09:45):
soon. I can't change that,though, And that's you know, that's
one of the things I talk abouttoo. You can't change it. So
regret makes no sense. And fearis in the future and we don't know
if that's real. So all wecan do is live today and appreciate every
moment of today. And I knowthat's hard, and I know a lot
of people say, oh, mindfulness, live today, but it's the truth.
(10:09):
I mean, we don't have achoice. It is that's what we
have. Mmmm And adversity comes intoall of our lives in different forms.
You know, it is a Itdoes us good to accept the fact that
it will come. And maybe theadjustment would be how do I want to
deal with it? Instead of theresistance. You know, because you talked
(10:31):
about needing courage and clarity and confidenceand consistency, when life itself is not
always consistent, it's not always clear, and it does take a truckload of
courage sometimes just to get out ofbed, to your point, and I
really appreciated that jumping back to astrategy of saying what did I do right
(10:54):
today? Instead of I didn't doall the things I said it was going
to do, or I didn't youknow, instead of focusing on what we
would maybe deem failures or shortcomings,and really kind of the picture coming to
my mind is like picking through therubble of our day and looking for the
remnants of beauty or light or whatever. And I really appreciated that well,
(11:20):
as you shared, we're so hardon ourselves, we will somebody can give
us. We can hear forty complimentsfrom people, but that one person who
criticizes us, man, we willjust latch onto that and not let it
go. And that's one of theexercises I give my clients is to shift
out what's real and what's a beliefand what's fact, because usually the beliefs
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are something we've heard from our childhoodthat you know, we're not successful at
work, or we're not an athlete, or we can't do this, and
then we will look for those proofpoints to that belief rather than finding the
facts that prove otherwise, because wecan change those beliefs right, but we
(12:07):
have to keep continuing finding those factsthat prove otherwise, So all of a
sudden it becomes more ingrained. It'slike being a detective, right, looking
for those clues to the truth.Yes, yes, exactly, and then
holding on to that truth no matterwhat anybody says. I think that's a
(12:30):
really interesting midlife paradigm. You know, all of the women and some men
that I've talked to, there's thisshift that happens for a lot of us
in midlife, and it comes,whether we realize it or not, where
we begin to feel differently about things, and we're a little less compliant to
expectations and we begin to be like, you know, IM not really interested
(12:54):
in that, or no, Idon't want to do that anymore. Think
that shift in midlife is natural.I was talking to doctor Mindy Pels and
she was saying the neurochemical that thiswas actually just aired. I'm we're talking
ahead of schedule here, but inmy in the real time, and she
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was talking about the neurochemical changes,and I think this is something that applies
to what you're talking about when wewhen we're over, when when there's adversity
in our life, there are neurochemicalchanges happening in our body. We have
a nervous system. You know,there's things happening from head to toe.
It's not just what's happening to usand our emotions, right, and depending
on the balance of our bodies,how well are we taking care of them?
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Are we eating while sleeping, whiledoing all of these things well,
because there's a there's a chemical reactionhappening in us. And you know,
we have to think about, toyour point, where do I fit into
my own formula of my life inmidlife? It's like this midlife thing about
where are my boundaries now? Becausewe naturally tend to want to say I'm
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done, And that's a neurochemical thing. She was explaining, our nurture,
Our nurturing chemicals have shifted because we'rein a different season right. And it's
fascinating because when you talk about adversityyou have in midlife, your body like
mine could still be working these thingsout, and then you have adversity that
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impacts those neurochemicals and other kinds ofthings going on in our body, our
guts and things, and so youhave this very complex concoction of humanity.
You know, physiology science, andit's like, you're talking about having grace
and you're talking about having empathy.And I think the more we understand who
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we are and what we're actually goingthrough, we take that grace and empathy
and turn it inward, then wecan turn that grace and empathy outward and
understand maybe someone else is going through. All the nonsense just in our own
minds and bodies don't even include thestuff that's happening outside of our physical selves,
you know, right, And Ithink so, first of all,
(15:05):
for me, mid life is freedom. I mean literal freedom from all of
the you know, mothering and everythingelse we do, but the freedom to
finally express who we are and notcare what anybody else thinks. You know.
I look at my daughters in theirtwenties and the drama and the concern
about what everybody thinks, and I'mlike, I don't care anymore, you
(15:26):
know, I am just happy beingme in my body. And it definitely
takes introspection and turning inward and journalingand really getting down to the why did
that situation trigger me? Why didthat and how can I change that?
I can't change it outside. Ihave to change my reaction to it,
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and is it really important at theend of the day, Is that situation
really going to matter? Because usuallyit doesn't. And I think that's that's
where the freedom comes to be lessself important, less worried about, you
know, the things that seemed soimportant before and really aren't. And maybe
(16:11):
they were, but they don't haveto continue to be right right right,
We don't have the business as usualto the grave exactly exactly. And I
think you know business as usual literallytoo from a working perspective. I mean,
so many of us experienced this afterCOVID. I live in Connecticut and
so many people commute to New YorkCity from here, and after COVID they
(16:33):
said, not doing it. I'mnot commuting an hour and a half each
way every day and not having alife. And I think we get to
that point too in our midlife.I never say retire, because if you
retire, you die. Retire meansyou're sitting there and not learning and not
growing. I don't care if it'sa volunteer, I don't care what it
is. But you need to keepdoing things. But how we do them
(16:55):
has changed so dramatically to allow forthat time for ourselves as well, and
that job that volunteer better be somethingthat is nurturing you and fulfilling you.
Yeah. Yeah, that is thething about midlife, isn't it. It's
an opportunity to fill our cup withthings that bring us joy. And really
(17:19):
it sounds selfish on the surface,but in serving our shifts, in rolling
with those changes and finding out whoam I in this season of life and
what there's so much to bring forward. Right. We have done so much
and been so much that we havethe tools to make those shifts, and
(17:44):
I think the shedding of the ideaof who we are can be really challenging
for some, don't you agree?It's really hard? And I see that
so many of my clients are womenwho are going through a divorce or changing
careers in midlife. And when youknow, it's really hard for many women
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who have identified they may have hada corporate job for many years, but
then the kids came along, theystopped working, and all of a sudden,
the kids are gone or don't needthem, and they're questioning who am
I? You know, It's reallyinteresting because the first question I always ask
my clients is how do you definehappiness? People are so quick to say
(18:30):
what makes them unhappy? But whenyou ask them what does happiness look like
for you? They're not sure?And how can you achieve it when you
don't even know what it is?Yeah? Yeah, And I think,
at least in my experience, theanswer at first is pretty surfacy, pretty
kind of like general store. Youknow, it's not thought through. It's
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a very vague to your point,a very vague kind of general idea.
And when you when we stop andthink maybe in terms of satisfaction, in
terms of fulfillment, maybe in termsof you know, what do I feel
like is missing? You know?I, I know you talk about negativity
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and it's like they say, there'sa thought out there that you shouldn't be
negatively motivated, and there's others whobelieve that, you know, understanding that
negative can actually keep you on theright path. I tend to know what
I don't want first. Yeah,most people do, but I'm I have
developed the skill of going, well, if it's not that, what is
(19:41):
it right? And it changes too? Right? Allison, like with with
how would you choose differently now?In some of the situations and people in
friendships, you know, like thinkyou did it twenty, I would,
oh, one hundred percent. Andyou know, I'm not diminishing marriage,
but you know, I I alwayssay the reason marriages don't usually last is
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it's almost unrealistic to assume that youand this other person are going to continue
on the same path, in thesame mindset and compatible for years and years
and years. You change, andso it is natural to change in different
ways, you know, getting backto you know, what I always wanted.
And you know, after my divorce, after the death of my son,
(20:26):
after everything, after I declared bankruptcy, there was just I felt like
there was so much chaos in mylife. I mean not just adversity,
but chaos. And I really startedjournaling and you know, following personal development
coaches and trying to figure out whatis it at the end of the day
that I truly wanted at the base, And what I realized it was was
(20:49):
just peace. I want to worryabout bills. I didn't want to worry
about the chaos of you know,dealing with the schools, with my son
and everything else. I just wantedpeace. And then once I got that,
the next thing that came was thepassion. And for me, the
passion was helping women never experience whatI did and step into their power and
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how to start with peace. Pieceis one of those things that can happen
in the midst of the chaos too, And I think that is one of
those revelations. An it's an insidegame, right, yeah. And we
spend so much time thinking about thecomfort of other people, right, that
(21:37):
we do miss the opportunity to figureout what it is that we might need
and how that actually positively impacts allthe people and the situations that we exist
in. There's an odd like acongruency, a consistency that we're growing into
in midlife hopefully right, right,And having the courage to insist on that
(22:04):
piece for yourself because again, aswomen were taught to put everybody before ourselves,
our kids, everybody, and likeyou said, our piece is key
to everybody else. Like they say, a happy mom is everything. Right.
How do you help people get clarity? Because I feel like I think
(22:27):
some people might get courage to moveforward but not really know how well.
The clarity is more around that goal, right, So the clarity is your
great and powerful Why when somebody comesto me and says, I want to
make one hundred thousand dollars, Well, why what is that buying you?
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What is that great and powerful?Why that you need more than anything else?
Because when you're changing, like wesaid, you may have family members
that don't support you. If you'restarting your business, you are going to
deal with a lot of stuff.And if you don't have that great and
powerful why the moment some hiccup comesin or some setback, you're going to
(23:11):
be done. And it's even likethat with losing weight, right, if
someone says they want to lose weight, well, why it's not just I
want to lose ten pounds, Butwhat does that do? Does it make
you feel stronger? Does it makeyou feel more powerful? Why is it
that you need that? Last year, as I said, I ran the
(23:32):
New York City Marathon. I'd neverrun in my life. I'm not a
runner, and I went from runningone mile to twenty six miles in one
year, at fifty seven years old. My great and powerful why for that
was I'd never had a fitness goal. But more importantly, it was the
twenty fifth anniversary of my son dying, and it was the third anniversary of
(23:52):
my best friend dying from cancer.And so when I started training for the
marathon. It was cold, soI was training inside on a treadmill and
I had a picture and it wasmy son Connor, my friend Barb,
and two women crossing the finish lineat the marathon. And that was my
powerful why, and that was myclarity. That's what got me out of
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bed when it was raining, whenit was cold. That was what kept
me going when I was running fourmiles, but knew I needed to run
one more, and so that clarity. Everybody should have a mission statement,
just like a company. You shouldhave your mission statement, and everything you
do should be measured against those goalsand those values, and that's how you
get clarity around your actions. Isthis in line with my great and powerful
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why? That's that's such an importantthing to know about yourself. What do
I value? Yeah? And youknow, maybe it's never crossed their mind.
Maybe it's something we hadn't considered becausewe tend to live in community,
right, we tend to be thinkingabout out our family. Although I think
(25:02):
family values definitely help us be successfulin our marriages, in our families,
but this season, when we're neededin different ways, it's not as measurable.
Do you feel that, Oh,completely, it's not as measurable,
but it's so important. It's soimportant to know why you're doing what you're
(25:23):
doing. In addition to how areyou going to know if you ever reach
your goal? If you don't evenknow what that is, you're always going
to be searching and not feel fulfilled. If you don't know what that is
that you truly want and look,it's scary to look at that. Sometimes
you're great and powerful. Why mightbe I'm no longer happy in my marriage
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that's scary. But are you willingto stay where you are because change is
scary? Or do you want thattrue happiness, joy, peace fulfillment that
your soul is craving And there's somany ways for us to be open.
(26:11):
In other words, I think thereare sometimes more hidden opportunities. When we
feel dissatisfied, we tend to lookat the big rocks, but sometimes it's
the little rocks that are just missingor out of place. Absolutely, you
know, absolutely, you know.I tell people don't fight the tide,
(26:34):
ride the wave, because, likeyou said, so often it's those big
rocks and we're fighting, fighting,fighting, It's like, no, it's
just those small little things make iteasy on yourself, make it easy.
Yeah, quit complicating your own lifeexactly. I think calm moments are really
(26:56):
important to clarity as well, youknow, oh yeah, see, might
be still. This is a Bibleverse, be still and know that I'm
God from Psalm forty six. Butthe idea of getting still, we've been
so busy, and I think clarity, it's hard to be clear in the
(27:18):
like to your point, in chaosif we are mentally chaotic, if we're
emotionally chaotic, and maybe maybe it'sa good time to get some help.
Well, three years ago, asI said, when my friend died,
she knew she was dying, andit was a year, and she wanted
me there till the end, andI was. I was by her.
(27:38):
But I knew after she died,I was not only going to need to
grieve but recenter myself. And soI rented a house by myself on the
I love the water, I lovethe ocean. And it was off season.
It was December, and I rentedthis beautiful house on the water and
(27:59):
Rhode Island, and I went bymyself for two days without a phone,
without a computer, and I justsat in silence and journaled and read for
two days with no interruptions, andit was so needed to heal but also
gain that clarity that we're talking aboutgiving ourselves the gift of space and time
(28:22):
like that is really powerful. Ifeel like people are afraid to be alone
with themselves. Oh completely. Ihad somebody on my podcast who talked about
the traditions of eating and how nowso many people are, you know,
(28:44):
talking while they're eating, or thephone while they're eating, and they don't
know just how to be. Itfeels weird. I'm one of the people.
I have no problem going out todinner by myself. I actually enjoy
it. But yeah, you knowthat that family time is just so scattered
now, and we're afraid. We'reafraid of what we might find inside when
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we stop the busyness. I thinkit's important for us to find the courage
to allow that to come to thesurface in order for us to navigate this
season of our lives. Well,there's some house cleaning that needs to be
done, wouldn't you agree? Ohman, it's so true. And that's
(29:32):
why I talk about turning inward.You know, if you've had a series
of field relationships, you might wantto start looking internally and saying where is
this coming from? Or even joblosses, whatever, you need to start
looking about where is this coming from? How has this come up from the
past, and what can I doto change it? And really start looking
(29:57):
inward for that. Yeah, yeah, those patterns, right, those kind
of recognizables, like the super familiarthing you're like, oh this again,
why this again? Right? Exactly? Yeah, it's really important to take
that time and to look at that. And you're right, especially in midlife,
(30:18):
now is the time. You know, we're so busy through those times
when our kids are little that wedon't have the time. And that's why
I think it's such a reckoning anda just seismic change once your kids are
gone, because your identity is changing. But also you have all the time
(30:38):
in the world now to say whoam I? And who do I want
to be? And who was I? And did I like that? Yeah?
Did I like that? Now?There's a simple question that guilt can
It's a kind of a guilt ladenquestion. Don't you think like we feel
like we have to or should youknow fill in the blank. It's like,
(31:03):
well, how about opening the doorinstead of either, or how about
both? And because sometimes we stillare required to fulfill certain roles. To
your point, you and I areboth doing the parent thing, yeah,
and that that is something that Ihave friends who aren't taking care of their
(31:26):
parents. Their parents are totally fine, and they're older than my mom,
right, So I mean, youjust don't know when those things will land
in your life, and that asthat element of who am I, where
do I want to go? Andstill having to fit these roles into your
life, right, because not allof them can be let go right well.
And that became very clear to mewhen my husband was diagnosed with primary
(31:48):
progressive MS, because it was asecond marriage and I had these visions of
us hiking together and having these adventurevacations together and that wasn't going to happen,
and I had to really think about, well, how is my life
going to change? And I'm okaywith that? And quite frankly, I
wasn't okay with that. And soI've learned now that he and I have
(32:10):
our time together, but I goon those adventure vacations with my girlfriend or
my daughters. I have different relationships, and he's okay with that. We
have our time together, but it'scrucial for my own emotional, mental,
physical well being to have those otherparts of me fulfilled as well. And
so we do all have those roles, but it's how do we manage those
(32:35):
roles without losing ourselves in them,becoming bitter, resentful or whatever else.
M I like that the way thatyou word at that, you know that
we we do need to manage allof the pieces and to not feel guilty
right for taking that time to recognizethat two days by myself is what my
(32:58):
soul needs to rest and restore andrecover, and sometimes it just needs that
from the general clutter of life.It doesn't even have to be a dramatic
reason exactly. You know, Ikind of laugh at all of these self
care where it's take a bubble bathor get a manicure. No, no,
(33:19):
no, you know those twenty minutes. First of all, don't do
it. And second of all,it shouldn't be this once in a while.
Just like your kids deserve your time, your parents deserve your time,
your husbands, you deserve your time, not just once in a while,
not just twenty minutes, but aserious block of time every day, every
day. I mean, I'm avery ritual person. I wake up at
(33:45):
five in the morning, I readfor an hour, I meditate, I
journal, I have that time.I then go for a walk. That
is my time, and I protectthat because I know I need it.
Yeah, and it's actually in serviceof everyone in our lives when we are
in our best mental and emotional stateexactly. And it's a great role model
(34:09):
for my daughters. I want themto understand being a woman doesn't mean giving
up your identity or giving up everythingfor everybody else. And I think it's
so important that younger generations, andI think they get it actually more than
we do in midlife. I seea very big difference in this generation.
(34:30):
But it's critical because you can slipinto that pattern so easily. Mm hmm.
You know, it's interesting you talkabout being a role model for your
daughters, and my daughters as they'readults, they're grown and we're the holiday
house. So what's that eight ayear because you include like Memorial Day,
(34:52):
Labor Day, fourth of July whatever. And I told I've in the last
probably two or three years, I'vebeen like, okay, if because their
friends have also come, we're justthe holiday house. And I tell them,
you know what, if there's somethingyou want to do. I know
it feels like you have to behere. If I could have Thanksgiving and
(35:13):
Christmas, you know, that'd begreat. But you know, on these
other ones, like if there's atthis point, they're single, so I'm
like, if you want to gosomewhere, it's okay. Like I'm trying
to teach my daughters the permission toprioritize, and it's okay because I'm choosing
to submit to this order of businessunderstanding that this isn't gonna change right right.
(35:40):
So while I might not always beexcited about that reality because you know,
they're not that close together, andI, you know, I work
through it, Like is it Ido enjoy when everybody's here. It's just
sometimes I feel like I might notbe in the mood, you know,
But I told my girls, hey, what do you want if you need
(36:01):
to, Like sometimes it's like I'mgoing to go get a cup of coffee.
They don't say, gone long,but it's like that kind of taking
control of the time and setting themselvesup to prepare for whatever's kind of required
of them emotionally. And I thinkas women, I'm not a man's I'm
not pitting us against man I'm justsaying from a woman's perspective, this emotional
(36:23):
responsibility that we feel for everything andeveryone is a big part of our identity.
Back to what we were talking aboutbefore, our identity, and how
we can still that both and right, having that responsibility, that nurture,
that role whatever you want to callit. But you said this probably twenty
(36:46):
minutes ago, and I want tocome back to it. But putting yourself
in the queue as well, becauseI think a lot of the dissatisfaction we
look at the big rocks, likeI'm unhappy in my marriage because I'm overweight,
I'm unhappy because but a lot ofthe times it's these little micro decisions
(37:07):
that are actually like having a holein the dam. Right, We're leaking
out of too many little holes becausewe're not prioritizing well, right, well
and getting back to adversity. What'seven worse is as women, when we
are dealing with adversity, yet westill have to do everything else for everybody,
(37:28):
and it's like, well, whatabout meat? What about my needs?
Who's taking care of meat? Andso that's why it is it's so
important to recognize when you're at yourlimit, Yes, you really need to
take care of yourself because if not, I mean, especially now in midlife,
we know that's going to impact usphysically, whether it's high blood pressure
(37:51):
or whatever, and we cannot takethat for granted anymore. In mid life,
we must take care of ourselves.Yeah, it's like our bandwidth has
changed. Oh yeah, and Idon't think it's just age. Back to
that neurochemical conversation I introduced, we'reliterally physically and neurochemically changing, which is
(38:13):
making us this really cool version ofourselves, but quite different from the old,
really cool version of ourselves. Andthere's such a it's like yielding ourselves
to you mentioned riding a wave.It's like this is another wave that is
physically happening in all women. Sothat grace for each other, that empathy
(38:35):
for ourselves and each other, andjust recognizing that, man, we really
are all on this journey together andadversity. In moments of lack, like
when we lack the support, therest, the everything that we need,
unfortunately we present less attractive versions ofourselves, right, And I think to
(38:57):
your point that prioritizing ourselves and havingthat empathy for ourselves will empower us.
What I hear you saying is thatit's empowering us to handle adversity in a
way that's going to be productive insteadof damaging, because it's coming right right.
And I think the other part ofthat is vulnerability. I recently did
(39:19):
an email about I'm fine right howmany times because we're in polite company and
somebody will ask how you are?I'm fine, I'm fine when it's the
furthest from the truth, and weespecially when we look at all the mental
health issues in this country, now, we're not fine and we need to
show our vulnerability and ask for thathelp because not only do we need that
(39:42):
help, but that other person mightneed our help as well, and not
to feel isolated and as you said, come together in community to support each
other and lift each other up.Community is one of those conversations that has
pretty much come up in every singlemidlife conversation. It's so important. It's
(40:04):
a thread of you know what,we hustle for years. We're hustling in
our families, we're hustling in ourjobs, we're hustling in our businesses.
You know, it's a different kindof hustle. I feel like there's still
a lot of hustle. You know, especially with caregiving, I honor your
journey because it is really hard tofind to turn off that engine of the
(40:27):
things that that person needs, thethings you need to do, the doctor's
appointments, the whatever, the medicines, and you're trying to stay on top
of everything. It can be challenging. And I want to bring that forward
that we're not saying, oh,this is a piece of cake, and
you know, no, but thisis a there's some finesse that sometimes has
to fit into it. And Ithink for me and maybe you can speak
(40:49):
to this, I tend to uselate night because I'm a night owl to
do my art, to maybe watch, you know, a good Christmas movie,
like a Hallmark movie or something likethat. I have pure flicks now
and I'm just enjoying wholesome, positive, you know. And I feel like
as women, those little things theyseem unimportant. But I think you and
(41:13):
I would agree that while that movieis not important or it's not necessary like
on a to do list, Ithink there's a release and a relax that
happens when I just hold a spacefor something that allows my mind to rest.
Yes, oh, I mean wecould talk forever about the mental load
women having Oh my gosh. Yeah, like you said, of everything that
(41:37):
comes in. And you know,I'm so grateful to my husband even though
he has MS. I mean,he does a lot for me in terms
of running errands and making phocals,but at the end of the day,
it's still me thinking about what totell him to do. And yes,
that mental load. I mean thereare many nights where I just I just
want to veg on the couch,like I literally can't hold another thought in
(41:59):
mind. Yeah, yeah, andthat's okay, right, you trust your
brain. Absolutely. That's what Netflixis for. Right. It's a whole
different version of Netflix and chill exactly, it's the midlife version. It's called
no no. When I say chill, I mean like turn turn the brain
(42:21):
off, exactly. I am nothere paying no attention to the woman on
the couch. I have left themental building, yes, exactly. Oh
my god. So it's very funny. My best friend lives around the corner
from me, and I think wejust save each other when we were overwhelmed
with laughter and funny memes. SoI'm gonna have to remember that one.
(42:44):
That one's really good. It leftthe mental building. We have to make
a meme for it now. Iwould love to hear three key takeaways,
Allison. What are three things thatyou would really like the audience to understand
and to take away to be encouragedby. What are those three things?
(43:05):
Adversity ends. I liken it too. I lived in southern California for many
years and I know you're from there, And it's like an earthquake right that
ground is shaking and you've got tostand still. You've got to just keep
your balance till the earth stops shaking, because it will. And so just
like with adversity, it will stop. You just have to hang on.
(43:28):
And you need to be good toyourself while you're hanging on, and not
expect too much of yourself. That'snumber one. Number two, getting past
the self doubt of what you can'tdo. You are capable of doing and
being anything you want. It maynot look exactly as you're saying. I
(43:51):
know I'm not going to be inthe WNBA, but I can go to
basketball games, I can play pickup basketball. So find that way of
doing what you want to do,because anything is possible, absolutely anything.
And then, last but not least, find your powerful why go for it?
(44:12):
Find what is going to wake youup in the morning with just passion
to do it, because that's whatlife is about. Its change is scary,
but so so is fatal. Hm. Hm, so so is fatal.
It's numbing too. Yeah, Alison, how can people find you?
So? You can go to Alisondashjacobsondot com and on there. I have
(44:37):
a bunch of freebies. One isfive steps to Release Fear and Live Boldly,
which I think everybody will enjoy.How to get past those fearful moments.
I am on Instagram at Underscore AlisonJacobson and I have a Facebook group
Midlife Mavericks Fabulous Fears Females. Youcan always come over and join there.
(44:59):
Awesome, Alison. I want tothank you so much for being on the
show today. What an enlightening conversation, some really great nuggets of wisdom that
you shared. And I loved yourvulnerability to your point that you were willing
to show your struggle and share thetruth of your walk, because I think
in sharing that with people, that'swhere the magic happens. When women like
(45:22):
you are willing to show up andshare truth you know and the hard things
and acknowledging it, honoring it,and leaning into it, and like you
said, I love that image ofkeeping your balance until the earth stops shaking.
I really appreciated that analogy. Sothank you so much, Alison for
being on my show today and thankyou for having me. This was fabulous.
(45:45):
Ugh, I feel like there wereall of these things that we could
have literally bounced off and had awhole nother conversation, right, I know,
I know, And I felt likeI should have had a cup of
coffee because I don't even know whattime it's here, but like, yeah,
this is just girl talk. Thisis great, and I do appreciate
that you know openness that you sharebecause I think when we have these real
(46:06):
conversations like you and I have had, those are the ones that have the
impact. Because we do feel likewe're sitting and having a cup of coffee.
Our listeners and our audience has thatopportunity to join us in this virtual
community. And I'm just grateful thatyou are now part of my virtual community
the resources that I offer, andI really want people to reach out and
(46:28):
check out your website and see thosethings that you offer to them. So
thank you, thanks so much,and I am so glad to be part
of your world now it is itis a world that shines the light.
And I'm glad that you had yourlight shining today. And if you are
interested in learning more about Alison andher light and what she brings to the
(46:49):
world and her resources. If youare on YouTube, just look down below
the links are there for you.But if you are driving or if you
want to go to www Dot FeminineForward Slash episode three five five, I
will have the show notes and thelinks will be there as well. So,
friends, today we've had a conversationaround the idea of being able to
(47:15):
make it through adversity and to getsomewhere in your life that you want to
get and to hold your balance whilethe earth is shaking beneath you. And
if you find yourself in a seasonof struggle, in a season of difficulty,
please reach out to community. Whileyou take the time for yourself to
(47:35):
rest, reset and restore, alsofind the community that can circle around you
kind of be that comfort zone,that blanket, that buffer to give you
a place to be open and honestabout what it is that you're going through
one or two key people and somealone time in figuring out who you are
in this season and grace. Alisonmentioned grace more than once. Have some
(48:02):
grace with yourself and with others,and remember that you are not alone.
She mentioned that early in the show, you are not alone. You are
in a sea of people who arealso struggling. Find that empathy, find
that community, find that space ofgetting what you need and the courage and
the clarity and the confidence to moveforward in your life the next best step.
(48:25):
It doesn't have to be all thethings at once, just your very
next best step. So thank youso much for being with us today.
I look forward to sharing more interestingpeople, strategies and conversations with you in
the weeks to come. Take careof my friends. Bye bye,
Hi, Hi'm gina. For arewelcome to the Feminine Roadmap podcast, a
global community of women in midlife.We gather here weekly over a cup of
something wonderful for real talk, lifechanging strategies and a big dose of sisterhood.
Now please sit back and enjoy.Hello, Feminine Roadmappers. Welcome back
(00:28):
to Feminine Roadmap Podcasts, the podcastthat helps you navigate the challenges and the
changes of midlife and empowers you tolive a more vibrant second half. If
you find us on YouTube today,please don't forget to subscribe and ring that
bells you don't miss any more conversations. And if you're on a podcast platform,
please follow and rate this podcast andshare it with your friends. Today
(00:52):
we are going to be talking aboutovercoming adversity. My guest believes there's nothing
you can't do if you put yourmind to it. As long as you
have courage, clarity, confidence andconsistency, you can do anything. My
guest today is Alison Jacobson. Sheis a coach, a speaker, and
the author of Daily Inspirations for MidlifeWomen, A Guide to Peace, Joy,
(01:18):
confidence and Abundance. Allison, thankyou so much for being on the
show today. Thank you so muchfor having me. It is my pleasure.
Why don't you tell us a littlebit about your mission and your message,
what brought you to where you aretoday and doing what it is that
you do well. My journey startedout with a lot of tragedy. My
(01:38):
first son died of sudden infant deathsyndrome in nineteen ninety seven. My second
son has intellectual disabilities. I wentthrough a horrific divorce and ended up declaring
bankruptcy. So I was flat broke, got out of that, rebuilt my
business, and then met and marriedan amazing man. Met him on Match
(01:59):
does Have But unfortunately, four weeksafter we were married, he was diagnosed
with primary progressive MS, and soI went from being a new bride to
a new caregiver for three generations inmy life now, my son, my
husband, and my mom who liveswith us. So I am primary breadwinner,
primary caregiver. But one of thethings you realize when you've gone through
(02:23):
all of this, especially having yourchild die, you've been through helen back
and if you can survive that,you can truly survive anything. M It's
such a devastating story and it's incrediblethat you sit here today with a message
from that mess that your life producedand presented to you. Now, what
(02:49):
was it that allowed you to figureout or empowered you to really figure out
how to turn it around? I'msure at the time, especially with your
son, there was that season ofgrief. I've had some great conversations around
grief. But how did you personallytake that devastating experience and change, like
(03:09):
not fall into a pit? Well, you know, it's so often where
people would say to me and stillsay to me, I could never survive
what you survived. But the realityis none of us think we can until
we're in it, and so manyof us have faced devastating tragedies. And
(03:30):
one of the things I learned veryquickly is that I had to take one
small step at a time. IfI looked too far into the future,
it was so overwhelming I couldn't surviveit. And so literally I would congratulate
myself for just getting out of bedin the morning, those small steps and
(03:52):
give myself the grace when I hada horrible day to say, okay,
you have every right to that,but then to say, now it's time
time to move on, so wecan have that pity party, but at
some point you need to leave theparty and you need to keep going.
And so that was one of thethings. But I think the most important
thing that I learned going through thedeath of my son was empathy, because
(04:15):
I would look around and realize thateverybody has a story. They may not
have it written on their face,but everybody has a story, and to
show grace to all of those people. The other thing I learned, though,
is to also be selfish with mytime, because it made me realize
how short and precious it is,and to not waste it on toxic relationships
(04:39):
or toxic situations, and to reallykeep and hold close those people that meant
the most to me. You mentionedgrace more than once, and I think
that's a powerful practice, isn't it. It's critical. It's critical because so
much of what we deal with whenwe are struggling is the anger, the
(05:05):
choice not to accept things as theyare. And look, there are some
things that we can't change, butwe can always change how we perceive them,
and it is up to us.So we need to be give ourselves
grace, but then we need togive those other people grace and let them
(05:25):
go. It's so interesting the olderthat I get. Maybe you find this
too, that in these seasons oflife, you know, there's people that
come into our life and they havea purpose. Sometimes it's for us to
learn something really hard. Right.Sometimes we enjoy them, but they don't.
It's rare to have someone stay throughevery season of your life, you
(05:47):
know, it really is. AndI'll tell you though, there are certain
people. When my son died,when I got a divorce, and many
of my coaching clients find this whenthey're going going through a divorce, the
people they thought would stand by themare gone, and the people they least
expected to come into their world arethere for them. And I think that
(06:11):
the people that leave your life notonly do they leave because it's the season,
but there are certain things they arestruggling with and they can't accept.
If they see you get a divorceand they leave, it might be because
they're having challenges in their own marriageand they're afraid to look. They're afraid
to take that bold step you've takenby leaving that marriage. And so it
(06:33):
goes back to, you know,let them go understand they're dealing with their
own stuff and that doesn't have toprevent you from moving on and not holding
that anger and that resentment because that'swhat keeps you back. And another layer
of that is sometimes it doesn't haveanything to do with us, and we
(06:57):
can feel like, what did Ido wrong? Right? We feel responsible,
if you will, for the healthand the longevity of every relationship that
we have. And I think sometimes, like you said, it's just them.
The mirror that you hold up,whether you mean to or not,
reflects something that they're just not readyto face and change. You probably find
(07:23):
this as a coach. When youhelp people change, it definitely changes their
social circle, you know. Andthat's something that I really work on with
my clients, is the boundaries andthe change, and especially for women in
midlife, right, this is thetime and you know this, This is
what you talk about too. Thisis an opportunity for us to reclaim who
(07:45):
we were before we became mom andpartner and caregiver and everything else, and
to embrace the badass person we canbecome. The problem with that, though,
is there are some people that don'twant us to change. Right fits
nicely into their lives or well meetingadult children who say, Mom, you
know you can't do that. Youknow, that's gonna you're too old for
(08:09):
that, and there's no such thing. But to really understand that people aren't
going to want you to change,and have the put up the boundaries to
say, this is my life,this is how I choose to live it.
I love you, but you mayhave to love them. From afart
and this season of life to findingthose relationships, I agree with you that
(08:35):
I have some surprising relationships that Ijust didn't see being the relationships and the
people I totally thought we're going tobe there to the end of the line
aren't in my life at all.There was not a problem. It is
so surprising. And I think whenwe're going through difficult things, the refining
process is so much more than whatwe're going through. You know, it
(09:00):
does ripple out to our relationships andthings. And you mentioned grief, and
there is some grief to you know, you lose your child, there's grief
there, and your bandwidth is probablyfull. I would imagine, yeah,
it's probably you know, one ofthose things where I would imagine you wake
up one day and you just kindof like, where did the life I
(09:22):
thought I was going to have go? Oh? And I look back now
twenty six years later, and Igrieve for the grul I was because in
that instant I lost my innocence.I grew up way too fast. Way
I learned, I hardened, andI learned the realities of life way too
(09:45):
soon. I can't change that,though, And that's you know, that's
one of the things I talk abouttoo. You can't change it. So
regret makes no sense. And fearis in the future and we don't know
if that's real. So all wecan do is live today and appreciate every
moment of today. And I knowthat's hard, and I know a lot
of people say, oh, mindfulness, live today, but it's the truth.
(10:09):
I mean, we don't have achoice. It is that's what we
have. Mmmm And adversity comes intoall of our lives in different forms.
You know, it is a Itdoes us good to accept the fact that
it will come. And maybe theadjustment would be how do I want to
deal with it? Instead of theresistance. You know, because you talked
(10:31):
about needing courage and clarity and confidenceand consistency, when life itself is not
always consistent, it's not always clear, and it does take a truckload of
courage sometimes just to get out ofbed, to your point, and I
really appreciated that jumping back to astrategy of saying what did I do right
(10:54):
today? Instead of I didn't doall the things I said it was going
to do, or I didn't youknow, instead of focusing on what we
would maybe deem failures or shortcomings,and really kind of the picture coming to
my mind is like picking through therubble of our day and looking for the
remnants of beauty or light or whatever. And I really appreciated that well,
(11:20):
as you shared, we're so hardon ourselves, we will somebody can give
us. We can hear forty complimentsfrom people, but that one person who
criticizes us, man, we willjust latch onto that and not let it
go. And that's one of theexercises I give my clients is to shift
out what's real and what's a beliefand what's fact, because usually the beliefs
(11:46):
are something we've heard from our childhoodthat you know, we're not successful at
work, or we're not an athlete, or we can't do this, and
then we will look for those proofpoints to that belief rather than finding the
facts that prove otherwise, because wecan change those beliefs right, but we
(12:07):
have to keep continuing finding those factsthat prove otherwise, So all of a
sudden it becomes more ingrained. It'slike being a detective, right, looking
for those clues to the truth.Yes, yes, exactly, and then
holding on to that truth no matterwhat anybody says. I think that's a
(12:30):
really interesting midlife paradigm. You know, all of the women and some men
that I've talked to, there's thisshift that happens for a lot of us
in midlife, and it comes,whether we realize it or not, where
we begin to feel differently about things, and we're a little less compliant to
expectations and we begin to be like, you know, IM not really interested
(12:54):
in that, or no, Idon't want to do that anymore. Think
that shift in midlife is natural.I was talking to doctor Mindy Pels and
she was saying the neurochemical that thiswas actually just aired. I'm we're talking
ahead of schedule here, but inmy in the real time, and she
(13:16):
was talking about the neurochemical changes,and I think this is something that applies
to what you're talking about when wewhen we're over, when when there's adversity
in our life, there are neurochemicalchanges happening in our body. We have
a nervous system. You know,there's things happening from head to toe.
It's not just what's happening to usand our emotions, right, and depending
on the balance of our bodies,how well are we taking care of them?
(13:39):
Are we eating while sleeping, whiledoing all of these things well,
because there's a there's a chemical reactionhappening in us. And you know,
we have to think about, toyour point, where do I fit into
my own formula of my life inmidlife? It's like this midlife thing about
where are my boundaries now? Becausewe naturally tend to want to say I'm
(14:01):
done, And that's a neurochemical thing. She was explaining, our nurture,
Our nurturing chemicals have shifted because we'rein a different season right. And it's
fascinating because when you talk about adversityyou have in midlife, your body like
mine could still be working these thingsout, and then you have adversity that
(14:22):
impacts those neurochemicals and other kinds ofthings going on in our body, our
guts and things, and so youhave this very complex concoction of humanity.
You know, physiology science, andit's like, you're talking about having grace
and you're talking about having empathy.And I think the more we understand who
(14:43):
we are and what we're actually goingthrough, we take that grace and empathy
and turn it inward, then wecan turn that grace and empathy outward and
understand maybe someone else is going through. All the nonsense just in our own
minds and bodies don't even include thestuff that's happening outside of our physical selves,
you know, right, And Ithink so, first of all,
(15:05):
for me, mid life is freedom. I mean literal freedom from all of
the you know, mothering and everythingelse we do, but the freedom to
finally express who we are and notcare what anybody else thinks. You know.
I look at my daughters in theirtwenties and the drama and the concern
about what everybody thinks, and I'mlike, I don't care anymore, you
(15:26):
know, I am just happy beingme in my body. And it definitely
takes introspection and turning inward and journalingand really getting down to the why did
that situation trigger me? Why didthat and how can I change that?
I can't change it outside. Ihave to change my reaction to it,
(15:50):
and is it really important at theend of the day, Is that situation
really going to matter? Because usuallyit doesn't. And I think that's that's
where the freedom comes to be lessself important, less worried about, you
know, the things that seemed soimportant before and really aren't. And maybe
(16:11):
they were, but they don't haveto continue to be right right right,
We don't have the business as usualto the grave exactly exactly. And I
think you know business as usual literallytoo from a working perspective. I mean,
so many of us experienced this afterCOVID. I live in Connecticut and
so many people commute to New YorkCity from here, and after COVID they
(16:33):
said, not doing it. I'mnot commuting an hour and a half each
way every day and not having alife. And I think we get to
that point too in our midlife.I never say retire, because if you
retire, you die. Retire meansyou're sitting there and not learning and not
growing. I don't care if it'sa volunteer, I don't care what it
is. But you need to keepdoing things. But how we do them
(16:55):
has changed so dramatically to allow forthat time for ourselves as well, and
that job that volunteer better be somethingthat is nurturing you and fulfilling you.
Yeah. Yeah, that is thething about midlife, isn't it. It's
an opportunity to fill our cup withthings that bring us joy. And really
(17:19):
it sounds selfish on the surface,but in serving our shifts, in rolling
with those changes and finding out whoam I in this season of life and
what there's so much to bring forward. Right. We have done so much
and been so much that we havethe tools to make those shifts, and
(17:44):
I think the shedding of the ideaof who we are can be really challenging
for some, don't you agree?It's really hard? And I see that
so many of my clients are womenwho are going through a divorce or changing
careers in midlife. And when youknow, it's really hard for many women
(18:10):
who have identified they may have hada corporate job for many years, but
then the kids came along, theystopped working, and all of a sudden,
the kids are gone or don't needthem, and they're questioning who am
I? You know, It's reallyinteresting because the first question I always ask
my clients is how do you definehappiness? People are so quick to say
(18:30):
what makes them unhappy? But whenyou ask them what does happiness look like
for you? They're not sure?And how can you achieve it when you
don't even know what it is?Yeah? Yeah, And I think,
at least in my experience, theanswer at first is pretty surfacy, pretty
kind of like general store. Youknow, it's not thought through. It's
(18:56):
a very vague to your point,a very vague kind of general idea.
And when you when we stop andthink maybe in terms of satisfaction, in
terms of fulfillment, maybe in termsof you know, what do I feel
like is missing? You know?I, I know you talk about negativity
(19:18):
and it's like they say, there'sa thought out there that you shouldn't be
negatively motivated, and there's others whobelieve that, you know, understanding that
negative can actually keep you on theright path. I tend to know what
I don't want first. Yeah,most people do, but I'm I have
developed the skill of going, well, if it's not that, what is
(19:41):
it right? And it changes too? Right? Allison, like with with
how would you choose differently now?In some of the situations and people in
friendships, you know, like thinkyou did it twenty, I would,
oh, one hundred percent. Andyou know, I'm not diminishing marriage,
but you know, I I alwayssay the reason marriages don't usually last is
(20:04):
it's almost unrealistic to assume that youand this other person are going to continue
on the same path, in thesame mindset and compatible for years and years
and years. You change, andso it is natural to change in different
ways, you know, getting backto you know, what I always wanted.
And you know, after my divorce, after the death of my son,
(20:26):
after everything, after I declared bankruptcy, there was just I felt like
there was so much chaos in mylife. I mean not just adversity,
but chaos. And I really startedjournaling and you know, following personal development
coaches and trying to figure out whatis it at the end of the day
that I truly wanted at the base, And what I realized it was was
(20:49):
just peace. I want to worryabout bills. I didn't want to worry
about the chaos of you know,dealing with the schools, with my son
and everything else. I just wantedpeace. And then once I got that,
the next thing that came was thepassion. And for me, the
passion was helping women never experience whatI did and step into their power and
(21:14):
how to start with peace. Pieceis one of those things that can happen
in the midst of the chaos too, And I think that is one of
those revelations. An it's an insidegame, right, yeah. And we
spend so much time thinking about thecomfort of other people, right, that
(21:37):
we do miss the opportunity to figureout what it is that we might need
and how that actually positively impacts allthe people and the situations that we exist
in. There's an odd like acongruency, a consistency that we're growing into
in midlife hopefully right, right,And having the courage to insist on that
(22:04):
piece for yourself because again, aswomen were taught to put everybody before ourselves,
our kids, everybody, and likeyou said, our piece is key
to everybody else. Like they say, a happy mom is everything. Right.
How do you help people get clarity? Because I feel like I think
(22:27):
some people might get courage to moveforward but not really know how well.
The clarity is more around that goal, right, So the clarity is your
great and powerful Why when somebody comesto me and says, I want to
make one hundred thousand dollars, Well, why what is that buying you?
(22:48):
What is that great and powerful?Why that you need more than anything else?
Because when you're changing, like wesaid, you may have family members
that don't support you. If you'restarting your business, you are going to
deal with a lot of stuff.And if you don't have that great and
powerful why the moment some hiccup comesin or some setback, you're going to
(23:11):
be done. And it's even likethat with losing weight, right, if
someone says they want to lose weight, well, why it's not just I
want to lose ten pounds, Butwhat does that do? Does it make
you feel stronger? Does it makeyou feel more powerful? Why is it
that you need that? Last year, as I said, I ran the
(23:32):
New York City Marathon. I'd neverrun in my life. I'm not a
runner, and I went from runningone mile to twenty six miles in one
year, at fifty seven years old. My great and powerful why for that
was I'd never had a fitness goal. But more importantly, it was the
twenty fifth anniversary of my son dying, and it was the third anniversary of
(23:52):
my best friend dying from cancer.And so when I started training for the
marathon. It was cold, soI was training inside on a treadmill and
I had a picture and it wasmy son Connor, my friend Barb,
and two women crossing the finish lineat the marathon. And that was my
powerful why, and that was myclarity. That's what got me out of
(24:14):
bed when it was raining, whenit was cold. That was what kept
me going when I was running fourmiles, but knew I needed to run
one more, and so that clarity. Everybody should have a mission statement,
just like a company. You shouldhave your mission statement, and everything you
do should be measured against those goalsand those values, and that's how you
get clarity around your actions. Isthis in line with my great and powerful
(24:40):
why? That's that's such an importantthing to know about yourself. What do
I value? Yeah? And youknow, maybe it's never crossed their mind.
Maybe it's something we hadn't considered becausewe tend to live in community,
right, we tend to be thinkingabout out our family. Although I think
(25:02):
family values definitely help us be successfulin our marriages, in our families,
but this season, when we're neededin different ways, it's not as measurable.
Do you feel that, Oh,completely, it's not as measurable,
but it's so important. It's soimportant to know why you're doing what you're
(25:23):
doing. In addition to how areyou going to know if you ever reach
your goal? If you don't evenknow what that is, you're always going
to be searching and not feel fulfilled. If you don't know what that is
that you truly want and look,it's scary to look at that. Sometimes
you're great and powerful. Why mightbe I'm no longer happy in my marriage
(25:48):
that's scary. But are you willingto stay where you are because change is
scary? Or do you want thattrue happiness, joy, peace fulfillment that
your soul is craving And there's somany ways for us to be open.
(26:11):
In other words, I think thereare sometimes more hidden opportunities. When we
feel dissatisfied, we tend to lookat the big rocks, but sometimes it's
the little rocks that are just missingor out of place. Absolutely, you
know, absolutely, you know.I tell people don't fight the tide,
(26:34):
ride the wave, because, likeyou said, so often it's those big
rocks and we're fighting, fighting,fighting, It's like, no, it's
just those small little things make iteasy on yourself, make it easy.
Yeah, quit complicating your own lifeexactly. I think calm moments are really
(26:56):
important to clarity as well, youknow, oh yeah, see, might
be still. This is a Bibleverse, be still and know that I'm
God from Psalm forty six. Butthe idea of getting still, we've been
so busy, and I think clarity, it's hard to be clear in the
(27:18):
like to your point, in chaosif we are mentally chaotic, if we're
emotionally chaotic, and maybe maybe it'sa good time to get some help.
Well, three years ago, asI said, when my friend died,
she knew she was dying, andit was a year, and she wanted
me there till the end, andI was. I was by her.
(27:38):
But I knew after she died,I was not only going to need to
grieve but recenter myself. And soI rented a house by myself on the
I love the water, I lovethe ocean. And it was off season.
It was December, and I rentedthis beautiful house on the water and
(27:59):
Rhode Island, and I went bymyself for two days without a phone,
without a computer, and I justsat in silence and journaled and read for
two days with no interruptions, andit was so needed to heal but also
gain that clarity that we're talking aboutgiving ourselves the gift of space and time
(28:22):
like that is really powerful. Ifeel like people are afraid to be alone
with themselves. Oh completely. Ihad somebody on my podcast who talked about
the traditions of eating and how nowso many people are, you know,
(28:44):
talking while they're eating, or thephone while they're eating, and they don't
know just how to be. Itfeels weird. I'm one of the people.
I have no problem going out todinner by myself. I actually enjoy
it. But yeah, you knowthat that family time is just so scattered
now, and we're afraid. We'reafraid of what we might find inside when
(29:07):
we stop the busyness. I thinkit's important for us to find the courage
to allow that to come to thesurface in order for us to navigate this
season of our lives. Well,there's some house cleaning that needs to be
done, wouldn't you agree? Ohman, it's so true. And that's
(29:32):
why I talk about turning inward.You know, if you've had a series
of field relationships, you might wantto start looking internally and saying where is
this coming from? Or even joblosses, whatever, you need to start
looking about where is this coming from? How has this come up from the
past, and what can I doto change it? And really start looking
(29:57):
inward for that. Yeah, yeah, those patterns, right, those kind
of recognizables, like the super familiarthing you're like, oh this again,
why this again? Right? Exactly? Yeah, it's really important to take
that time and to look at that. And you're right, especially in midlife,
(30:18):
now is the time. You know, we're so busy through those times
when our kids are little that wedon't have the time. And that's why
I think it's such a reckoning anda just seismic change once your kids are
gone, because your identity is changing. But also you have all the time
(30:38):
in the world now to say whoam I? And who do I want
to be? And who was I? And did I like that? Yeah?
Did I like that? Now?There's a simple question that guilt can
It's a kind of a guilt ladenquestion. Don't you think like we feel
like we have to or should youknow fill in the blank. It's like,
(31:03):
well, how about opening the doorinstead of either, or how about
both? And because sometimes we stillare required to fulfill certain roles. To
your point, you and I areboth doing the parent thing, yeah,
and that that is something that Ihave friends who aren't taking care of their
(31:26):
parents. Their parents are totally fine, and they're older than my mom,
right, So I mean, youjust don't know when those things will land
in your life, and that asthat element of who am I, where
do I want to go? Andstill having to fit these roles into your
life, right, because not allof them can be let go right well.
And that became very clear to mewhen my husband was diagnosed with primary
(31:48):
progressive MS, because it was asecond marriage and I had these visions of
us hiking together and having these adventurevacations together and that wasn't going to happen,
and I had to really think about, well, how is my life
going to change? And I'm okaywith that? And quite frankly, I
wasn't okay with that. And soI've learned now that he and I have
(32:10):
our time together, but I goon those adventure vacations with my girlfriend or
my daughters. I have different relationships, and he's okay with that. We
have our time together, but it'scrucial for my own emotional, mental,
physical well being to have those otherparts of me fulfilled as well. And
so we do all have those roles, but it's how do we manage those
(32:35):
roles without losing ourselves in them,becoming bitter, resentful or whatever else.
M I like that the way thatyou word at that, you know that
we we do need to manage allof the pieces and to not feel guilty
right for taking that time to recognizethat two days by myself is what my
(32:58):
soul needs to rest and restore andrecover, and sometimes it just needs that
from the general clutter of life.It doesn't even have to be a dramatic
reason exactly. You know, Ikind of laugh at all of these self
care where it's take a bubble bathor get a manicure. No, no,
(33:19):
no, you know those twenty minutes. First of all, don't do
it. And second of all,it shouldn't be this once in a while.
Just like your kids deserve your time, your parents deserve your time,
your husbands, you deserve your time, not just once in a while,
not just twenty minutes, but aserious block of time every day, every
day. I mean, I'm avery ritual person. I wake up at
(33:45):
five in the morning, I readfor an hour, I meditate, I
journal, I have that time.I then go for a walk. That
is my time, and I protectthat because I know I need it.
Yeah, and it's actually in serviceof everyone in our lives when we are
in our best mental and emotional stateexactly. And it's a great role model
(34:09):
for my daughters. I want themto understand being a woman doesn't mean giving
up your identity or giving up everythingfor everybody else. And I think it's
so important that younger generations, andI think they get it actually more than
we do in midlife. I seea very big difference in this generation.
(34:30):
But it's critical because you can slipinto that pattern so easily. Mm hmm.
You know, it's interesting you talkabout being a role model for your
daughters, and my daughters as they'readults, they're grown and we're the holiday
house. So what's that eight ayear because you include like Memorial Day,
(34:52):
Labor Day, fourth of July whatever. And I told I've in the last
probably two or three years, I'vebeen like, okay, if because their
friends have also come, we're justthe holiday house. And I tell them,
you know what, if there's somethingyou want to do. I know
it feels like you have to behere. If I could have Thanksgiving and
(35:13):
Christmas, you know, that'd begreat. But you know, on these
other ones, like if there's atthis point, they're single, so I'm
like, if you want to gosomewhere, it's okay. Like I'm trying
to teach my daughters the permission toprioritize, and it's okay because I'm choosing
to submit to this order of businessunderstanding that this isn't gonna change right right.
(35:40):
So while I might not always beexcited about that reality because you know,
they're not that close together, andI, you know, I work
through it, Like is it Ido enjoy when everybody's here. It's just
sometimes I feel like I might notbe in the mood, you know,
But I told my girls, hey, what do you want if you need
(36:01):
to, Like sometimes it's like I'mgoing to go get a cup of coffee.
They don't say, gone long,but it's like that kind of taking
control of the time and setting themselvesup to prepare for whatever's kind of required
of them emotionally. And I thinkas women, I'm not a man's I'm
not pitting us against man I'm justsaying from a woman's perspective, this emotional
(36:23):
responsibility that we feel for everything andeveryone is a big part of our identity.
Back to what we were talking aboutbefore, our identity, and how
we can still that both and right, having that responsibility, that nurture,
that role whatever you want to callit. But you said this probably twenty
(36:46):
minutes ago, and I want tocome back to it. But putting yourself
in the queue as well, becauseI think a lot of the dissatisfaction we
look at the big rocks, likeI'm unhappy in my marriage because I'm overweight,
I'm unhappy because but a lot ofthe times it's these little micro decisions
(37:07):
that are actually like having a holein the dam. Right, We're leaking
out of too many little holes becausewe're not prioritizing well, right, well
and getting back to adversity. What'seven worse is as women, when we
are dealing with adversity, yet westill have to do everything else for everybody,
(37:28):
and it's like, well, whatabout meat? What about my needs?
Who's taking care of meat? Andso that's why it is it's so
important to recognize when you're at yourlimit, Yes, you really need to
take care of yourself because if not, I mean, especially now in midlife,
we know that's going to impact usphysically, whether it's high blood pressure
(37:51):
or whatever, and we cannot takethat for granted anymore. In mid life,
we must take care of ourselves.Yeah, it's like our bandwidth has
changed. Oh yeah, and Idon't think it's just age. Back to
that neurochemical conversation I introduced, we'reliterally physically and neurochemically changing, which is
(38:13):
making us this really cool version ofourselves, but quite different from the old,
really cool version of ourselves. Andthere's such a it's like yielding ourselves
to you mentioned riding a wave.It's like this is another wave that is
physically happening in all women. Sothat grace for each other, that empathy
(38:35):
for ourselves and each other, andjust recognizing that, man, we really
are all on this journey together andadversity. In moments of lack, like
when we lack the support, therest, the everything that we need,
unfortunately we present less attractive versions ofourselves, right, And I think to
(38:57):
your point that prioritizing ourselves and havingthat empathy for ourselves will empower us.
What I hear you saying is thatit's empowering us to handle adversity in a
way that's going to be productive insteadof damaging, because it's coming right right.
And I think the other part ofthat is vulnerability. I recently did
(39:19):
an email about I'm fine right howmany times because we're in polite company and
somebody will ask how you are?I'm fine, I'm fine when it's the
furthest from the truth, and weespecially when we look at all the mental
health issues in this country, now, we're not fine and we need to
show our vulnerability and ask for thathelp because not only do we need that
(39:42):
help, but that other person mightneed our help as well, and not
to feel isolated and as you said, come together in community to support each
other and lift each other up.Community is one of those conversations that has
pretty much come up in every singlemidlife conversation. It's so important. It's
(40:04):
a thread of you know what,we hustle for years. We're hustling in
our families, we're hustling in ourjobs, we're hustling in our businesses.
You know, it's a different kindof hustle. I feel like there's still
a lot of hustle. You know, especially with caregiving, I honor your
journey because it is really hard tofind to turn off that engine of the
(40:27):
things that that person needs, thethings you need to do, the doctor's
appointments, the whatever, the medicines, and you're trying to stay on top
of everything. It can be challenging. And I want to bring that forward
that we're not saying, oh,this is a piece of cake, and
you know, no, but thisis a there's some finesse that sometimes has
to fit into it. And Ithink for me and maybe you can speak
(40:49):
to this, I tend to uselate night because I'm a night owl to
do my art, to maybe watch, you know, a good Christmas movie,
like a Hallmark movie or something likethat. I have pure flicks now
and I'm just enjoying wholesome, positive, you know. And I feel like
as women, those little things theyseem unimportant. But I think you and
(41:13):
I would agree that while that movieis not important or it's not necessary like
on a to do list, Ithink there's a release and a relax that
happens when I just hold a spacefor something that allows my mind to rest.
Yes, oh, I mean wecould talk forever about the mental load
women having Oh my gosh. Yeah, like you said, of everything that
(41:37):
comes in. And you know,I'm so grateful to my husband even though
he has MS. I mean,he does a lot for me in terms
of running errands and making phocals,but at the end of the day,
it's still me thinking about what totell him to do. And yes,
that mental load. I mean thereare many nights where I just I just
want to veg on the couch,like I literally can't hold another thought in
(41:59):
mind. Yeah, yeah, andthat's okay, right, you trust your
brain. Absolutely. That's what Netflixis for. Right. It's a whole
different version of Netflix and chill exactly, it's the midlife version. It's called
no no. When I say chill, I mean like turn turn the brain
(42:21):
off, exactly. I am nothere paying no attention to the woman on
the couch. I have left themental building, yes, exactly. Oh
my god. So it's very funny. My best friend lives around the corner
from me, and I think wejust save each other when we were overwhelmed
with laughter and funny memes. SoI'm gonna have to remember that one.
(42:44):
That one's really good. It leftthe mental building. We have to make
a meme for it now. Iwould love to hear three key takeaways,
Allison. What are three things thatyou would really like the audience to understand
and to take away to be encouragedby. What are those three things?
(43:05):
Adversity ends. I liken it too. I lived in southern California for many
years and I know you're from there, And it's like an earthquake right that
ground is shaking and you've got tostand still. You've got to just keep
your balance till the earth stops shaking, because it will. And so just
like with adversity, it will stop. You just have to hang on.
(43:28):
And you need to be good toyourself while you're hanging on, and not
expect too much of yourself. That'snumber one. Number two, getting past
the self doubt of what you can'tdo. You are capable of doing and
being anything you want. It maynot look exactly as you're saying. I
(43:51):
know I'm not going to be inthe WNBA, but I can go to
basketball games, I can play pickup basketball. So find that way of
doing what you want to do,because anything is possible, absolutely anything.
And then, last but not least, find your powerful why go for it?
(44:12):
Find what is going to wake youup in the morning with just passion
to do it, because that's whatlife is about. Its change is scary,
but so so is fatal. Hm. Hm, so so is fatal.
It's numbing too. Yeah, Alison, how can people find you?
So? You can go to Alisondashjacobsondot com and on there. I have
(44:37):
a bunch of freebies. One isfive steps to Release Fear and Live Boldly,
which I think everybody will enjoy.How to get past those fearful moments.
I am on Instagram at Underscore AlisonJacobson and I have a Facebook group
Midlife Mavericks Fabulous Fears Females. Youcan always come over and join there.
(44:59):
Awesome, Alison. I want tothank you so much for being on the
show today. What an enlightening conversation, some really great nuggets of wisdom that
you shared. And I loved yourvulnerability to your point that you were willing
to show your struggle and share thetruth of your walk, because I think
in sharing that with people, that'swhere the magic happens. When women like
(45:22):
you are willing to show up andshare truth you know and the hard things
and acknowledging it, honoring it,and leaning into it, and like you
said, I love that image ofkeeping your balance until the earth stops shaking.
I really appreciated that analogy. Sothank you so much, Alison for
being on my show today and thankyou for having me. This was fabulous.
(45:45):
Ugh, I feel like there wereall of these things that we could
have literally bounced off and had awhole nother conversation, right, I know,
I know, And I felt likeI should have had a cup of
coffee because I don't even know whattime it's here, but like, yeah,
this is just girl talk. Thisis great, and I do appreciate
that you know openness that you sharebecause I think when we have these real
(46:06):
conversations like you and I have had, those are the ones that have the
impact. Because we do feel likewe're sitting and having a cup of coffee.
Our listeners and our audience has thatopportunity to join us in this virtual
community. And I'm just grateful thatyou are now part of my virtual community
the resources that I offer, andI really want people to reach out and
(46:28):
check out your website and see thosethings that you offer to them. So
thank you, thanks so much,and I am so glad to be part
of your world now it is itis a world that shines the light.
And I'm glad that you had yourlight shining today. And if you are
interested in learning more about Alison andher light and what she brings to the
(46:49):
world and her resources. If youare on YouTube, just look down below
the links are there for you.But if you are driving or if you
want to go to www Dot FeminineForward Slash episode three five five, I
will have the show notes and thelinks will be there as well. So,
friends, today we've had a conversationaround the idea of being able to
(47:15):
make it through adversity and to getsomewhere in your life that you want to
get and to hold your balance whilethe earth is shaking beneath you. And
if you find yourself in a seasonof struggle, in a season of difficulty,
please reach out to community. Whileyou take the time for yourself to
(47:35):
rest, reset and restore, alsofind the community that can circle around you
kind of be that comfort zone,that blanket, that buffer to give you
a place to be open and honestabout what it is that you're going through
one or two key people and somealone time in figuring out who you are
in this season and grace. Alisonmentioned grace more than once. Have some
(48:02):
grace with yourself and with others,and remember that you are not alone.
She mentioned that early in the show, you are not alone. You are
in a sea of people who arealso struggling. Find that empathy, find
that community, find that space ofgetting what you need and the courage and
the clarity and the confidence to moveforward in your life the next best step.
(48:25):
It doesn't have to be all thethings at once, just your very
next best step. So thank youso much for being with us today.
I look forward to sharing more interestingpeople, strategies and conversations with you in
the weeks to come. Take careof my friends. Bye bye,
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