February 18, 2024 • 45 mins
Today on Feminine Roadmap we’re talking about building courage in midlife with Sheree Clark. Sheree is a Midlife Courage Coach who helps women build the courage to become their best selves. Midlife is often a time of reinvention, figuring out what’s next and along with that can be timidity, apprehension or even fear. The beauty of courage is that it doesn’t have to be a broad sweeping step, it can be done in small, purposeful shifts. Often a shift in our paradigm is the catalyst that empowers us to take the next best step. We are women who have lived a lot of life, learned many things and experienced so much – with that comes value. Our value in midlife is immense, understanding that is the first step in summoning courage. As we learn to honor the women that we are, what we know, who we are and what we offer, we can courageously move toward the next iteration of ourselves. If you are in a place of shift in your midlife journey, this conversation will be a terrific nudge in the right direction. Please grab a cuppa something wonderful and join us! https://fork-road.com/
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Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
Hi, Him, Jenifer are welcometo the Feminine Roadmap podcast, a global
community of women in midlife. Wegather here weekly over a cup of something
wonderful for real talk, life changingstrategies and a big dose of sisterhood.
Now, please sit back and enjoy. Hello, Feminine road Meppers, Welcome
(00:27):
back to Feminine Roadmap Podcasts, thepodcast that helps you navigate the challenges and
the changes of midlife and empowers youto live a more vibrant second half.
If you find us on YouTube today, please don't forget to subscribe and ring
that bell. If you are ona podcast platform, please subscribe, rate
and share this conversation. Today weare going to be talking about midlife and
(00:49):
how by the time we get tomidlife, a lot of women have that
feeling that they've lost themselves and they'vegiven so much of themselves away. When
we get a moment to catch drawbreath in midlife, we find ourselves confused
and unsure of who we are andwhat we want to do next. So
my guest today empowers women to findtheir way back to themselves. My guest
(01:11):
is Sherry Clark. She's a midlifecourage coach. Cherry, thank you so
much for being with me today.It's my pleasure, Gita, thanks for
having me. I would love toknow what brought you to this mission and
message. Why are you passionate abouthelping midlife women find their way back to
themselves? Well, for starters,I myself am a midlife woman, which
(01:34):
for a context I will share withyou maybe TMI. But I'm sixty seven
and I still call myself midlife andI will until I draw my last breath.
I don't use terms like elderly andsenior and that type of thing.
I think that women are midlife whenthey decide that they're midlife. Usually that's
(01:55):
sometime around the forties, and thenit keeps going because we don't know when
the middle of our life lives are, and we don't know where in the
end of our lives are, solet's just call it midlife. So that's
part of it. You kind ofget the courage part, because I'm a
midlife courage coach, is that Ihave found in my own lifetime that when
I've wanted to uplevel what I'm doing, when I've wanted something more or greater
(02:19):
or better for myself, It's takencourage to get that And when I say
that, sometimes it means like courageto apply for the new job or to
go after the promotion, courage tostep forward and start a conversation with someone
that you've wanted to meet. Butoftentimes it's also the courage to look inside
and be able to say to yourself, what is it that I want?
(02:42):
Who the hell am I? Andwhy am I here? So when it
comes to things of that level,why wouldn't I be excited? Though?
That's the best place to play?Mm hmm. I agree, And I've
said this probably one hundred times becauseI do have a mid life poda.
Yes, And I'm always talking towomen about midlife. Is that we bring
(03:04):
so much to the table in midlife? Don't we amen to that? You
know, It's funny because when Italk with women and I'm curious, I'll
say, how young are you?Because it's not about being old, it's
being young. And the other thingis we've got experience. You know,
this isn't my first rodeo. Itsure isn't yours either, And I think
(03:27):
I've seen if I haven't seen atall, I've seen a lot of it
and experienced a lot of it,and I've learned. You know, the
lessons that we learn are mission criticalthings like when to keep your damn mouth
shut, which battles to pick tofight, what that you really can do
it? We learn fagetty, youmake it. I mean, all of
(03:50):
those things that you when you're seventeen. You might be cuter, got it
tighter little bit, but you're dumb, you know when it comes to the
life experiences. I think about someof the mistakes that I've made in my
younger years, from seventeen to onup, and I think, wow,
what was I thinking? Yeah,you know, it's really funny. My
(04:14):
girls are in their thirties and sothey in the workforce, they're around a
lot of younger people, and they'rejust amazed and we joke about that knowledge
gap things that you know, they'renot. My girls are young, but
they feel old, you know.And now they're saying midlife starts at thirty
five, and I'm like, no, my kids, thirty five, that's
a little that's a little early init. So but but they're to your
(04:38):
point, we don't know where themiddle is, and I really appreciate that
perspective that you know, it couldbe we still have another thirty forty years
to go. Here's my thing thatI say again another one hundred times is
from eighteen to forty eight to thirtyyears, right, that's like a lifetime.
We've raised our kids, we've hadthe jobs, we've built the businesses,
(05:00):
and then forty eight to seventy eightis the entire lifetime again, but
with all of the knowledge from eighteento forty eight. So I think as
women, it's helpful for us toremember, oh, yeah, I've done
to your point, I've probably seenmost of it. I can probably figure
this stuff out right exactly. Andall of the crab that came before hasn't
(05:21):
killed me yet. So I justkeep going. What are some of the
principles that you use to help womenfind their way back? How do you
help them build a GPS? Sothe very first place that I start is
to hot wire ourselves back to whowe are and getting your mind and body
(05:44):
and spirit incongruence and alignment. Thebody tells us a lot of things.
And if you think even about theexpressions that we use, like made me
sick to my stomach, It mademy heartache. You're a pain in the
ass. I've got the weight ofthe world on my shoulders. You know,
we talk in a language that includesour bodies, but sometimes we divorce
(06:06):
ourselves from our bodies. We forget, we zoom out, you know,
And it's understandable. Many of ushave experienced trauma. I think it's safe
to say that everybody has experienced somelevel of trauma in their lifetime. And
so the beginning part that I liketo do is get everybody to have a
calmer sense of self and to beable to look into your heart and say,
(06:32):
what is it that you want?And a lot of times that takes
some time to get there, becauseit's been a really long time since anybody
has asked you. What was thelast time somebody asked and listened to the
question what is it that you reallywant? What's in your heart? Somebody
(06:53):
might ask, but they're not reallylistening, So what do you want?
You know, like, and soto be asked that question. A lot
of times I can tell that I'mworking in the right zone when I ask
the question and then I'm listening andit's clear that I'm listening and the person
before me gets emotional because they havethere. It's like dying of thirst and
(07:16):
being offered a cool drink of water, it's like you're overcome. So that's
the very first place is to figureout what is it? What is it
that's missing? And you may notknow right away even and if you don't
know, and you have that feelingand that emotion, and some people may
have it even just listening to ustalk, they might go, oh my
(07:39):
god, she's right. Nobody ifanybody would ask me, what is it
that you really want and then wouldlisten, other than my therapist, who
I'm paying a lot of money toand isn't going to help me anyway necessarily.
I'm kidding about therapy. I goto a therapist and I love her.
But that's to me, that's thefirst place to start. It's challenging
(08:01):
to know what we want sometimes whereoften I know, for me, I
loved that first thirty years of mylife. I poured into my family,
my children, you know, andI loved everything about it. So for
me, the transition was more,Oh, I did what I wanted,
(08:22):
you know, like I really lovedit. I loved that season of my
life. I feel like it's someof the greatest work I've ever done is
raising my daughters. So I thinkfor me, it felt a little bit
like, well, what can matchthat? Do you know what I mean?
Like for where my heart's desire was? So I find for me that
it's a journey. Would you agreeit's not like a you find it,
(08:45):
you hit the target. No,No, you're right, and I love
I love that, And congratulations you'reone of the few that has loved a
piece of their life so profoundly.And I hope it's that you're just forgetting
everything that was bad that happened aboutit probably in there somewhere, right,
Yeah, and that's good. Selectivememory can be to work to our advantage.
(09:07):
But to you, I would sayI would just shift the question a
little bit. Instead of you know, what is it that you really want,
it's what is it that you wantnext? And so then you're asking
your heart, Okay, we've donethis, where do we go now?
Who are we now? What's changed? What are we ready for? Because
(09:28):
at some point, if you stayin anything for too long, like I
had my very first job, I'veactually only had one job in my life,
and the rest of the time I'vebeen an entrepreneur. So the first
job that I had, I wastwenty three years old, had just got
my master's degree. I worked ata university. It was awesome. I
did it until I was twenty eight. It was five years, and I
(09:50):
loved it. I couldn't imagine doinganything else until I got to be twenty
eight, and I was like,I got to do something else. I
can't keep doing this at this page, at this pay And there comes a
point when you outgrow wherever it isthat you are. Whatever that outgrow part
looks like it might be that I'vedone it too much. I'm tired of
(10:13):
it. I'm over it. Justlike food. If you think about food,
like I can remember in grade school, in high school, you know,
you could get the ice cream sandwichat that time was ten cents.
My dad would always give me anextra ten cents so I could buy an
ice cream sandwich. And I didevery day until one day I bit into
the ice cream sandwich and I'm like, if I eat one more of these
things, I'm gonna puke. Andwe get like that about parts of our
(10:35):
lives or for whatever reason, it'snot gonna work anymore. So it's the
same thing. It's just different circumstances. Yeah, you know, and I
love the word seasons, you know, to remind ourselves that we tend to
lump life. This is life,right, But actually life is segmented into
(10:58):
seasons. Some of them are moreenjoyable, some of them are more challenging.
But I think that having that joyousexperience of enjoying the ice cream and
then hitting the wall with that icecream are the two sides of the coin
to help move us on. Wouldn'tyou agree? When things happen in life
like we're really enjoying it and somethingchanges, that change is where you can
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begin to ask the questions, iswhat's going on in my mind? Yes?
And just to take it into aneveryday thing. Think about your exercise
routine. If you're doing something andyou're doing the same exercise, the same
stations at the gym, or thesame whatever it is, at some point
it stops working. You're not goingto keep getting better or stronger or more
(11:41):
fit. It's just going to beover. So you got to do something
and change it up. And lifeis that way too. Yeah. I
think as our mind and our heartsexpand with the joys and the sorrows,
you know, it does profoundly beginto shift up. And I think the
shift is good. I think comfort. Comfort can cause us a little bit
(12:05):
of trouble sometimes, wouldn't you agree? Yeah, comfort can lead to complacency.
It's like the groove that becomes arut, that becomes a grave.
You know, it's like there,and it can happen without us knowing it.
It can happen for a bunch ofreasons. One could be because we're
a little lazy. It's like,hey, I know this, I can
(12:26):
name that tune in two notes,and so why would I grow and stretch
and learn something new and get outof a comfort zone and you know,
have to learn new stuff all overagain. And so I don't follow anybody
for that. I'm not saying itto shake my finger and wag it and
say to somebody, don't do that. Hell, I've done it. There
are times I've had to been ejectedfrom my comfy seat. And oftentimes that
(12:48):
will happen in a relationship. There'llbe if it's a partnership, one of
the partners becomes dissatisfied, Well,something's got to change. Because you can't
just stay in that, mired inthat mess for a long period of time.
Same thing with career. You canstay you don't have to quit,
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but your life is going to devolvebecause you're going to be getting up in
the morning hitting the snooze feeling likehell, and that that'll affect other parts
of your life. So it's allin a related mm hmm, hitting snooze.
That's a good analogy, isn't it. Where am I hitting snooze?
That might be a good question.Oh, that's a fabulous question. I'm
(13:31):
stealing that one, Gina. Yeah, you know, I think there are
back to my season's thoughts. Ithink there are seasons where hitting snooze has
a protective purpose. You know,when I was thinking about when my father
in law died and I was caringfor my mother in law, I did
hit snooze on a lot of thingsbecause I my bandwidth energy, you know,
(13:56):
mental and emotional. I needed toI needed to understand this is not
the time to push all the boundariesout. This is a time to kind
of And so I think what we'retalking about is recognizing where you are where
you want to go, and thenthere's that dance that happens with where I
(14:20):
am and where I want to goand what is your experience in the challenges
that women come up against as theydevelop the courage that you help them find.
Before I answer your question, Iwant to reframe something for you.
I don't think you hit the snoozewhen you were being a caregiver. I
think you hit pause. I thinkthere's a very big difference. And so
(14:43):
I wanted to make sure, notjust for listeners, but for you that
you know that wasn't that you werecopying out or you know, whatever it
was. You needed to do thatso you could devote your resources and your
energy to that which was most importantin front of you. Okay, thank
you, thank you. I appreciatethat. Yes. So, so your
(15:05):
question, I'm going to paraphrase itto make sure that I got it correct.
Is what are the kinds of thingsthe obstacles that come up when you
decide that you're going to make somechange and you're and you're like, all
right, it's like like New Year'sresolutions. You know, I'm going to
do this. Yeah, that's it. Starting on January third, I'm going
to do blah blah blah blah blah. Is that correct? Is that what
(15:26):
you're we're going what are the barriersto the courage and how do you help
them overcome it? The first andbiggest, most profound one is self doubt,
Like you're the one that gets inyour own damn way. And it's
like I have I do a groupprogram. It's a group of women all
over the world that get together everyweek and we meet for a year,
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and recently we had a conversation aboutimposter syndrome and I asked and also feeling
like not wanting to speak up infront of a group because you're going to
feel like an you're an ass oryou know, being afraid to volunteer for
something because you think you'll fall inyour face. And I ask the Zoom
group, raise your hand if you'veever felt like that, and there wasn't
(16:11):
anybody that didn't raise their hands.So the biggest is we get in our
own ways, and the self doubtcreeps in I'm too old? Who do
I think I am? And thoseself doubt messages aren't yours. They were
put there. They were sown inyour garden by somebody else. And oftentimes
(16:32):
it's our families of origin not blamingpeople's parents and saying, you know,
it's your parents' fault, that everydamn thing that's wrong with you, they
caused it. That's not my pointat all, but the way that we
grow up thinking about things like ourvalues, about things like money, or
what create what is success, whatconstitutes a good partner, what's a good
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career path for a woman to follow? Those are the kinds of things that
we learned from our parents. Doesn'tmean that we bottom lock stock and barrel,
but we were influenced by parents andteachers and the caregivers around us at
that point in time. If youthink about it, those people who instilled
those beliefs and values in us learnthem from somebody else. And so if
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it's your family of origin, yougo back a generation, and then you
go back a generation from there,and you can see why therapists will often
talk about generational trauma and things thatare carried forward. The good news is
you can break that by being awareof it. But if we go or
if we walk around in a comaand don't stop and think about where did
(17:45):
I get that belief? Where didthat come from? Is that actually true?
Is that me? Or is thatsomebody else that I'm parroting without even
thinking about it. And when youcan start to look at things that way,
then and you can begin to pullthe thread and unravel where you got
all that stupid stuff. You knowwhat's interesting is sometimes I'll be in a
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situation where I will tune into acomment or an attitude or something from say
a family member, and I'll realize, ah, there that's the shadow of
maybe this thing that I wonder,why do I feel this or why do
I believe this, or why doI struggle with this? Not the blame
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thing, like you said, butjust that awareness of the trickle down effect
of the people around us, becausewe're basically open basins to the people that
we're in relationship with pouring in.But what are we poring in? Do
we have a nice filter for thosethings? Or are we just an open
container? And I think as childrenwe're an open container, and we learn
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as adults what we need to learnas adults. I don't know that everyone
has, but the goal in healthyrelationship is to learn to have a filter,
even for those that are let's sayhealthier or more whole in our lives.
Because I think it's in that there'sa verse in the Bible that talks
about is iron sharpens iron. It'stalking about when you're walking through your journey
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of faith and how as believers cometogether. We challenge each other, and
we challenge our thinking. And that'sthe visual that's in my head right now
that when we're in relationship and let'ssay relatively healthy, because no one's one
hundred percent right, we do sharpeneach other. We kind of knock those
rough edges off, or we youknow, maybe clarify some of the dull
(19:37):
areas. And I think it's importantto be in community when you're going through
this, but the right kind ofcommunity, so that our basin is being
filled, to your point, notwith a junk, but with the fresh
waters of truth and healthy and wholethoughts and you know ideas. Yes,
and let me jump on that andsay it's a it's a there's a quid
(19:59):
pro to that as well. Soyes, we need to be able to
be open and receive and challenged andso forth. And then we have an
obligation to those we love to doit back lovingly and to say do you
realize or are you aware or I'venoticed a pattern? You know, not
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never like this, but always likethis, right, and then we know
that we are we are doing aswe should. Yeah, that's that.
As iron sharpens iron, it's twolet's say two swords right coming against each
other, you know, refining ourrefining each other. And I think that's
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the beauty of this season of lifeis the women that I meet through this
podcast, yourself included. There's awisdom, there's an life experience, there's
a richness that each person brings,and we rub off on each other a
little bit. It we help eachother think a little bit differently. And
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I think as we lose track ofourselves, a lot of the times,
I feel like women have lost trackof their own intentional relationships and friendships.
Like I think about back when Iwas homeschooling, our community were the people
that were homeschooling with us. Butand those people carried through all those years
and maybe a little bit beyond,and I did sort of choose those people.
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It's like in high school, rightwhen you go to school, it's
like you're in that group, butyou didn't necessarily choose. You choose from
the group you're given. And Ithink as an adult, you have this
opportunity to go ooh, I getto like choose. I think it's so
important for us to tap into thatin this season of life, because I
think a lot of women have becomeisolated. Has that something that you found?
(21:48):
Yeah, and the isolation, well, the pandemic didn't help. And
we won't spend any time on thatbecause thank you, it's been taken away
from us. Yes, of thatevent, but yeah, absolutely, And
part of it has to do withthat whole thing that I spoke of earlier
with I don't want to speak upbecause I'm going to sound foolish. I
(22:08):
don't want to go to that event. I don't know what to wear,
I don't you know. It's thatwhole self consciousness that takes away self confidence
and so yeah, and then youdo become isolated. And also let's not
forget that at this stage in life, many of us are divorced or widowed.
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Certainly a lot of us are emptynesters. And so that the nuclear
family that was so important that weinsulated sometimes against the world, for which
is perfectly appropriate in certain places,that's gone. The reason to be that
way is no longer exists. Andlike, now what right? Yeah,
mm hmm, I think that nowwhat is a really powerful question. I
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just love this conversation around connection andfriendship because I think as we develop courage,
it's easier to develop courage in community. And I think someone like yourself
who focuses on courage as a coach, it may be a paradigm shift for
someone to think, oh, Ineed a coach to find courage. And
I think it's important for people tounderstand that an outside perspective can help us
(23:18):
process through and think through some ofthese things, because sometimes when people are
close to us, they want usto be happy, they want us to
feel good. You know, it'sharder for them to push back maybe.
And so how do you as acoach, how are you different than say
a community member of someone who's tryingto figure these things out. Well,
(23:40):
you gave a little preview of thetrailer of the movie there just a second
ago. Because the big thing isyour coach, your spiritual guide, your
therapist, whoever it is that youchoose to be on a journey with,
doesn't have a horse in your racethe same way that somebody in your family
(24:02):
does, or even your best friend. So let's use a hypothetical example.
My best friend may decide that shewants to go move to California to pursue
career or something. I don't wantmy best friend to move to California.
For Pete's sake. I live inIowa. I don't want her to go
away and leave me. So whenshe asked me what I think, I'm
(24:23):
tempted to say, Oh, Idon't know. Have you read the news
about California. They got a lotof fires out there, they got earthquakes,
they got all kinds of weird stuff. You don't go to California.
And I love her and I wantthe best for her, but I want
the best for me too. Soremember that not that sometimes people don't have
(24:44):
pure intentions, and it's not onpurpose. They're not setting out to sabotage
you. It's just that it's hardfor them to see. So that's a
big part of it. So theother thing about a coach or anybody that's
been trained in this kind of work, my face favorite thing to do.
I'm like Colombo. I look forclues, I look for patterns. I
(25:04):
listen to words, just like earlierin the conversation, when I made the
distinction with you between snooze and pause, that hopefully for somebody listening, maybe
for you, it's like oh yeah. Sometimes it's a oh yeah about watching
the words that you use, orthinking about but sometimes it's up Mike drop
(25:26):
mind blowing, Holy cow. Yeah, that's you know, it's like I
wasn't seeing it that way, andso I think it's that that's the biggest
part, and allowing that to happen. The other thing is the final thing
I'll say about that is if Imake a correction to a client, we're
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in a relationship where they're expecting that, or I'm challenging them, I might
say, you know, well,Gine, I think you're using a word
you don't mean to use. Ifthat were your partner or your spouse,
you might get poed and be like, don't be correcting me on my vocabulary.
(26:11):
You're not listening. Nobody's going tosay that to me their coach.
They're paying me money. They realizeI have their best interest at heart,
and they'll be more likely to giveme a nod and go, you know,
you've got a point there, mWell, and receiving when we're seeking
that course, correction, that direction, all of that it does put us
(26:34):
in a different frame of mind,which might bring us to the point of
that's a good way to go intothis season of life of trying to figure
out what's next. Is put shiftingthe mindset to learning, to being curious
investigating, not looking for a hardanswer per se, but trying to figure
out exactly you know, hmm,this is interesting. What if I tried
(26:57):
this? What if you know,just what if in your way for a
little bit and kind of tapping backinto the things that bring us joy.
And it does take courage, doesn'tit to step into even something you used
to do, like twenty thirty yearsago? You know? Yeah, especially
if you're in the in your mind, you've got a snapshot of what you
(27:19):
were like at that point in yourlife when you left it. Like if
it's a physical thing, an example, I'm a recovered runner, and so
I ran for years and years andyears. If I went and I don't
run any longer, I'm more ofa walker. But let's say I got
a bug up my butt and Isaid I'm going to go back to running.
(27:40):
Well, when I left running,I ran a minimum of six miles
every single day, and I hada speed that I was used to in
a route that I could do andit included hills. If I went right
now and tried to do that,well, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
So you can't expect to be thatperson. And it's not just the
(28:02):
physical capabilities. It's though, allthe things that you've picked up and learned
and the experiences that you've had.You're a different person today than you were
certainly ten years ago. Yeah,hopefully right. That's right. And in
my case, thank goodness, soI can resonate with that thank goodness for
(28:22):
myself as well. I think that'sthe beauty of this process of being curious
and investigating. We get to honorthose parts of ourselves that have grown,
those parts of ourselves that have changed. And it's an encouragement, isn't it
to look back and see where we'vegrown and changed, because it reminds us
of our resilience. It reminds usof our ability to continue to do those
(28:48):
things going forward. It's not like, oh, I did that and now,
because I feel like, if Imay side note this, there are
certain ideas about aging that are notempowering. Right. It's like you have
to accept a certain dormancy, youhave to accept a certain inability. And
I'm not talking about playing football beinga prima vallerina. I'm just talking about
(29:14):
there's subtle messaging out there that makesyou think you have to accept certain things
about aging and just fade off intothe sunset. Right. But I found
through women that I've met through thehonor of having a podcast where I get
to talk to women who are eventen years older than you, that are
like, that is not the wayI'm going out, And I'm living proof,
(29:37):
you know what I mean, Likeit's it is a choice. We
do have limitations sometimes in our healthand things, but I'm talking about what
happens in our mind, and that'sreally what you're doing for people. You're
shifting this two three inches so therest of them will move in a new
direction. Am I right? Absolutely? And remember the things that we talked
(29:59):
about values and them being transferred froma family of origin or caregivers bringing up.
We learned about aging from that samepopulation, and oftentimes sometimes it was
spoken, but more often than notit was observation. And when I think
about the woman that I am atsixty seven and my mother and what she
(30:25):
was like, what she looked like, the things that she did, how
she wore her hair, her clothes, and so forth, and then think
about her mother, it's worlds apartand worlds of difference, and I moved
out. I left my hometown whenI was seventeen and never went back,
so I didn't spend a lot oftime around my family of origin. I
(30:47):
was off first generation college, goingto college, going to graduate school,
moved out to Iowa to take myjob, and blah blah blah blah blah,
and so I didn't I wasn't immersedin that, and so I got
the different viewpoint. But it's easyto view something that you're around every day
(31:07):
and say, that's what it's liketo be that age, that's what it's
like to be retired, that's whatit's like to be a widow, and
it doesn't necessarily have to be Ilove that reminder. I think that way.
Naturally, it didn't necessarily come fromthat. But I'm wired a little
(31:32):
wont key compared to what maybe butthat possibility it doesn't have to be a
big thing, and I think thatthat might be something to take a moment
for the listeners and think it doesn'thave to be a huge change, right.
(31:52):
It's the baby steps, baby babysteps. It's not like, Okay,
if you don't just up end yourlife and change everything, you're not
really taking action. Do you knowhow there's kind of that aggressive you know
what change looks like out there?Yeah, I'm so glad you said that,
because when you think about it,like the word courage, it's a
(32:15):
word that people you know like andembrace, but it's also can be an
intimidating word. It's one of thosewords that you expect to see in bold
typeface and a little bit bigger thanthe other words in the paragraph. And
it doesn't have to be Courage canbe very quiet. Courage can be something
that nobody else sees. It's Itmight be the courage to admit that you're
(32:39):
wrong, or the courage to makesome little like you're saying, a small
shift, a paradigm shift. Sometimesthe courage that you need. And the
change that we're talking about isn't wholesalechange like quit the job, divorce,
the husband moved to another state.It doesn't have to be that. It
(33:00):
could be that the change is asa realignment inside where you say, I'm
looking at this all wrong. AndI'll give you a very fast example.
I had a woman I was coachingwho decided she hated her job. She
wanted to get out of it.She wanted more than anything to be an
entrepreneur. She was also raising achild, and we did some exploration,
(33:25):
and because I've been an entrepreneur sinceI was twenty eight, NonStop with several
different businesses, it's an area Iknow a great deal about. So I
was kind of coaching her on bothsides of it. Of here's so,
let's talk about being an entrepreneur andwhat that world is like. Let's talk
about making change and what things youneed to take into consideration. Ultimately,
she made the decision that she wasgoing to stay in her job, not
(33:49):
because she got scared, not becauseshe quit or she bailed out, but
because she said this to me.She said, you know what, my
job, this isn't my forever job, but my job makes the other things
in my life possible, and thosethings right now, in this moment are
more important to me. So I'mgoing to stay where I'm at, and
(34:09):
when the time is more right,I'll be back. And she has courage
because she had the courage to takea look at it as one entire her
life isn't just one thing. Thismarriage sucks, I got to get out
of it or this job or whatever. It's your entire life, and how
does that fit together? So hershift, her courage, Her change was
(34:30):
to put on that different pair ofglasses and say, this job isn't fabulous,
but it pays money. I've gotfreedom and I can raise my child
the way that I want to.And I can't do that as a startup
business because it takes two damn muchtime. I like that you pointed out
(34:52):
that the change was not the actualchange of job, it was the change
of perspective. Attitude is so it'slike my parents would, Attitude is everything,
and I'm like, blah blah blahblah blah. All right, mom,
Dad, you were right. Itis. It's so much. There
are some things that you have todo. You don't have any choice about
(35:13):
it. I've got a dentist appointmentin two weeks. I need to go,
and so I can go with dreadand a not in my stomach,
or I can go with okay,I only have to be here forty six
more minutes. Yes, and almostzoom out when we're doing these things and
really looking at like this woman did. Right, what's the bigger picture here?
(35:37):
What are the gains from this decision? You know? Yes? The
drawback is I hate this right,I hate go to the dentist. But
why do I go to the dentists? I don't want to lose these right
exactly. It's a like you said, it's back to that perspective and really
thinking about it. Takes courage forsome of us to go to the dentist,
or it takes courage for some ofus to change jobs, or to
(35:59):
ask for the raise, or toreach out and make a new friend,
right, trying something new. Couragecomes at all shapes and sizes, and
I find that when we have justa little bit right, we don't have
to be warrior princesses all the time. Right, Although wouldn't that be cool,
you know, I don't know,it sounds exhausting. We need to
(36:24):
refuel too. I mean, I'mtalking about courage and making changes and doing
these things and examining. But letme also say, because you prompted it,
there's a place for rest too.And I'm not saying complacency, although
once in a while complacency may notbe a bad thing. You know,
once in a while it's okay tojust sit back and go, I love
(36:46):
where I'm at, and it's youhad that period of time in your life
and it's you savored it, youloved it. It's part of who you
are, so don't be in herto get out of it. That's a
good thing to remember, even thedifficult things, being in a hurry to
(37:07):
get out of it. I'm readingthrough a book right now. I also
have it on audible, so I'mlike listening and reading because I really want
to go through it. It's calledThe Resolution for Women, And there's this
what's next personality? Like you know, I'm a mover and a goer,
and I think that, like yousaid, the savoring, the moment,
(37:31):
the pause, the productive pause,if I could use those dichotomies together,
you know, it's a pause thathas a purpose, right to rest our
mind, our body, our soul, or to just breathe in the moment
and not miss this this moment that'llnever be back. Yes. Yes,
(37:52):
And anyone listening who is a mamaand has watched their child sleep. In
my case, I'm a pet mamaand I sometimes will watch my cat and
he's just so peaceful, and Ican tell when he's dreaming, and you
watch their tummies go up and down, and it's like, you know what,
(38:12):
it's the crap that happened an hourago doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Will this too shall pass? Thebank got something wrong, they'll get
it figured out. Yeah, thosemoments that you're talking about are those little
gifts that if we're taking the time, we have the opportunity to unwrap those
little gifts. Yep, there's littleshots of encouragement, you know, to
(38:38):
our soul. They really are soSherry. If you were to give my
audience three key takeaways, three thingsyou really want them to anchor in,
maybe starting points, maybe encouragements,whatever is in your heart right now,
what would those three things be?I would say the first thing is it's
never too late. And I hearthat often when we were talking about what
(39:00):
age is midlife, I again atmy age, my age, my ripe
age of sixty seven. I'm lookingahead and saying, you know, I
love my coaching practice. I lovewhat I'm doing, and I'm thinking about
making a few adjustments, some shifts, some changes. I don't know what
it looks like. And I'm notbeing hoy. I just but I will
(39:23):
tell you. I walk my talk. I asked those questions. I did
some renovation to my house, whichI love, but I wanted it to
change it up so it's not toolate. Don't do that to yourself.
The second one would be remember thatyou have people around you who love you,
and that sometimes the advice or thesuggestions or what they view as support
(39:47):
that they offer to you may ormay not be what you need at that
moment. We talked about having somebodyhaving a horse in your race, So
remember when you're thinking about can change, particularly if it's a major one,
or if it's one that's intimate toyou, or it's one that's very private,
or it's one that seems very scary. Do yourself a favor and keep
(40:09):
your own counsel, at least inthe beginning. I think that that's smart.
That those ideas, those notions,those plans, those dreams are fragile,
and if you take it out andyou present it to someone who's not
in a good mood or doesn't haveyour best interest at heart, or has
(40:32):
their own agenda or whatever, andthey spit on it or pooh poop,
or even ask you a question,you know, that side eye question with
the eyebrow raised. It can belike a balloon being pricked by a needle,
(40:52):
and it can deflate your idea andset you back, So it's not
being sek or elusive, it's beingmindful of yourself. So that would be
the second one, and the thirdone is don't be afraid to ask for
help. Don't be afraid to gooutside of your sphere of influence coaches,
(41:17):
therapists, others, clergy, whateverit is. Don't be afraid to seek
guidance or counsel in other places,particularly once again, in a place where
your decision won't be influencing that otherperson, and vice versa. I like
(41:39):
how you talked about, you know, our dreams and are those things that
are kind of inspiring us are arefragile, they're precious, and I think
there is a time I just inagreement with you, that there's a time
that maybe we shouldn't reveal them yet, not out of fear, but just
(42:00):
out of nurture, right, justnurturing that and giving it some time to
gain some strength and clarity, right, because it's probably going to look a
little different from one end of thatthought to the execution of it. So
thank you so much for those wisewords. How can people find you,
Sherry? The best place to findme is at my website, which is
(42:23):
forkdash Road dot com and I'm sureyou'll probably put that in the show notes.
That's you can. You can reachme directly from there, send me
an email or whatever and link tomy social media and all that sort of
thing. But there are there's alot of resources on my website and that's
where I would send you all right, fantastic, Well, Sherry. I
(42:43):
want to thank you so much forbeing with me today and for sharing your
wisdom and just your knowledge. It'sso important for us to have women like
you that will step forward and encourage, empower, challenge, you know,
share the journey that you've been on. We need that, We need women
(43:05):
like you who are ahead of us. And that is really the greatest gift
that you can give, is justsharing what you've learned, what you know
and your heart to help women findthat center, that kind of north star
in their life in this season.And I'm really grateful for what it is
that you do and how you showup in the world. Thank you,
(43:25):
yes friends today, if you findus on YouTube, all you have to
do is look down below. Herwebsite will be right there for you,
so you won't have to go anywhere. But if you're on a podcast platform
and driving you can go to www. Dot Feminine roadmap dot com. Forward
Slash episode three five eight and thenwe'll have the link there in the show
(43:49):
notes. Friends, this is agreat conversation and a reminder that life is
a continual journey. There's no agewhere your life ends while you're still living
unless you choose it to be so, and to have the courage to face
each day with a little bit ofcuriosity, hope, you know, just
optimism, that one little shift,one little thing you're curious about, just
(44:14):
holding a space for that is reallyempowering. Find that community, that circle
that will help you move forward ina healthy and whole way. Reach out
to Sherry if you're looking for someonewho can help you find and build that
courage. Friends, midlife and beyondis what we choose to make it.
(44:35):
We get to decide how we livethis life. Things may happen that we
don't have control over, but weget to choose how we think about it,
how we respond to it, andthe action that we take. So
this whole conversation is to remind youto have the courage to shift toward a
life that you really want to live, regardless of what your age is.
(44:57):
Why not and what if. Whatif it's just waiting for you to make
that decision. Thank you so muchfor being with us today, friends.
I look forward to sharing more inspirationalpeople, strategies and conversations with you in
the weeks to come. Take careof my friends. Bye bye,
Hi, Him, Jenifer are welcometo the Feminine Roadmap podcast, a global
community of women in midlife. Wegather here weekly over a cup of something
wonderful for real talk, life changingstrategies and a big dose of sisterhood.
Now, please sit back and enjoy. Hello, Feminine road Meppers, Welcome
(00:27):
back to Feminine Roadmap Podcasts, thepodcast that helps you navigate the challenges and
the changes of midlife and empowers youto live a more vibrant second half.
If you find us on YouTube today, please don't forget to subscribe and ring
that bell. If you are ona podcast platform, please subscribe, rate
and share this conversation. Today weare going to be talking about midlife and
(00:49):
how by the time we get tomidlife, a lot of women have that
feeling that they've lost themselves and they'vegiven so much of themselves away. When
we get a moment to catch drawbreath in midlife, we find ourselves confused
and unsure of who we are andwhat we want to do next. So
my guest today empowers women to findtheir way back to themselves. My guest
(01:11):
is Sherry Clark. She's a midlifecourage coach. Cherry, thank you so
much for being with me today.It's my pleasure, Gita, thanks for
having me. I would love toknow what brought you to this mission and
message. Why are you passionate abouthelping midlife women find their way back to
themselves? Well, for starters,I myself am a midlife woman, which
(01:34):
for a context I will share withyou maybe TMI. But I'm sixty seven
and I still call myself midlife andI will until I draw my last breath.
I don't use terms like elderly andsenior and that type of thing.
I think that women are midlife whenthey decide that they're midlife. Usually that's
(01:55):
sometime around the forties, and thenit keeps going because we don't know when
the middle of our life lives are, and we don't know where in the
end of our lives are, solet's just call it midlife. So that's
part of it. You kind ofget the courage part, because I'm a
midlife courage coach, is that Ihave found in my own lifetime that when
I've wanted to uplevel what I'm doing, when I've wanted something more or greater
(02:19):
or better for myself, It's takencourage to get that And when I say
that, sometimes it means like courageto apply for the new job or to
go after the promotion, courage tostep forward and start a conversation with someone
that you've wanted to meet. Butoftentimes it's also the courage to look inside
and be able to say to yourself, what is it that I want?
(02:42):
Who the hell am I? Andwhy am I here? So when it
comes to things of that level,why wouldn't I be excited? Though?
That's the best place to play?Mm hmm. I agree, And I've
said this probably one hundred times becauseI do have a mid life poda.
Yes, And I'm always talking towomen about midlife. Is that we bring
(03:04):
so much to the table in midlife? Don't we amen to that? You
know, It's funny because when Italk with women and I'm curious, I'll
say, how young are you?Because it's not about being old, it's
being young. And the other thingis we've got experience. You know,
this isn't my first rodeo. Itsure isn't yours either, And I think
(03:27):
I've seen if I haven't seen atall, I've seen a lot of it
and experienced a lot of it,and I've learned. You know, the
lessons that we learn are mission criticalthings like when to keep your damn mouth
shut, which battles to pick tofight, what that you really can do
it? We learn fagetty, youmake it. I mean, all of
(03:50):
those things that you when you're seventeen. You might be cuter, got it
tighter little bit, but you're dumb, you know when it comes to the
life experiences. I think about someof the mistakes that I've made in my
younger years, from seventeen to onup, and I think, wow,
what was I thinking? Yeah,you know, it's really funny. My
(04:14):
girls are in their thirties and sothey in the workforce, they're around a
lot of younger people, and they'rejust amazed and we joke about that knowledge
gap things that you know, they'renot. My girls are young, but
they feel old, you know.And now they're saying midlife starts at thirty
five, and I'm like, no, my kids, thirty five, that's
a little that's a little early init. So but but they're to your
(04:38):
point, we don't know where themiddle is, and I really appreciate that
perspective that you know, it couldbe we still have another thirty forty years
to go. Here's my thing thatI say again another one hundred times is
from eighteen to forty eight to thirtyyears, right, that's like a lifetime.
We've raised our kids, we've hadthe jobs, we've built the businesses,
(05:00):
and then forty eight to seventy eightis the entire lifetime again, but
with all of the knowledge from eighteento forty eight. So I think as
women, it's helpful for us toremember, oh, yeah, I've done
to your point, I've probably seenmost of it. I can probably figure
this stuff out right exactly. Andall of the crab that came before hasn't
(05:21):
killed me yet. So I justkeep going. What are some of the
principles that you use to help womenfind their way back? How do you
help them build a GPS? Sothe very first place that I start is
to hot wire ourselves back to whowe are and getting your mind and body
(05:44):
and spirit incongruence and alignment. Thebody tells us a lot of things.
And if you think even about theexpressions that we use, like made me
sick to my stomach, It mademy heartache. You're a pain in the
ass. I've got the weight ofthe world on my shoulders. You know,
we talk in a language that includesour bodies, but sometimes we divorce
(06:06):
ourselves from our bodies. We forget, we zoom out, you know,
And it's understandable. Many of ushave experienced trauma. I think it's safe
to say that everybody has experienced somelevel of trauma in their lifetime. And
so the beginning part that I liketo do is get everybody to have a
calmer sense of self and to beable to look into your heart and say,
(06:32):
what is it that you want?And a lot of times that takes
some time to get there, becauseit's been a really long time since anybody
has asked you. What was thelast time somebody asked and listened to the
question what is it that you reallywant? What's in your heart? Somebody
(06:53):
might ask, but they're not reallylistening, So what do you want?
You know, like, and soto be asked that question. A lot
of times I can tell that I'mworking in the right zone when I ask
the question and then I'm listening andit's clear that I'm listening and the person
before me gets emotional because they havethere. It's like dying of thirst and
(07:16):
being offered a cool drink of water, it's like you're overcome. So that's
the very first place is to figureout what is it? What is it
that's missing? And you may notknow right away even and if you don't
know, and you have that feelingand that emotion, and some people may
have it even just listening to ustalk, they might go, oh my
(07:39):
god, she's right. Nobody ifanybody would ask me, what is it
that you really want and then wouldlisten, other than my therapist, who
I'm paying a lot of money toand isn't going to help me anyway necessarily.
I'm kidding about therapy. I goto a therapist and I love her.
But that's to me, that's thefirst place to start. It's challenging
(08:01):
to know what we want sometimes whereoften I know, for me, I
loved that first thirty years of mylife. I poured into my family,
my children, you know, andI loved everything about it. So for
me, the transition was more,Oh, I did what I wanted,
(08:22):
you know, like I really lovedit. I loved that season of my
life. I feel like it's someof the greatest work I've ever done is
raising my daughters. So I thinkfor me, it felt a little bit
like, well, what can matchthat? Do you know what I mean?
Like for where my heart's desire was? So I find for me that
it's a journey. Would you agreeit's not like a you find it,
(08:45):
you hit the target. No,No, you're right, and I love
I love that, And congratulations you'reone of the few that has loved a
piece of their life so profoundly.And I hope it's that you're just forgetting
everything that was bad that happened aboutit probably in there somewhere, right,
Yeah, and that's good. Selectivememory can be to work to our advantage.
(09:07):
But to you, I would sayI would just shift the question a
little bit. Instead of you know, what is it that you really want,
it's what is it that you wantnext? And so then you're asking
your heart, Okay, we've donethis, where do we go now?
Who are we now? What's changed? What are we ready for? Because
(09:28):
at some point, if you stayin anything for too long, like I
had my very first job, I'veactually only had one job in my life,
and the rest of the time I'vebeen an entrepreneur. So the first
job that I had, I wastwenty three years old, had just got
my master's degree. I worked ata university. It was awesome. I
did it until I was twenty eight. It was five years, and I
(09:50):
loved it. I couldn't imagine doinganything else until I got to be twenty
eight, and I was like,I got to do something else. I
can't keep doing this at this page, at this pay And there comes a
point when you outgrow wherever it isthat you are. Whatever that outgrow part
looks like it might be that I'vedone it too much. I'm tired of
(10:13):
it. I'm over it. Justlike food. If you think about food,
like I can remember in grade school, in high school, you know,
you could get the ice cream sandwichat that time was ten cents.
My dad would always give me anextra ten cents so I could buy an
ice cream sandwich. And I didevery day until one day I bit into
the ice cream sandwich and I'm like, if I eat one more of these
things, I'm gonna puke. Andwe get like that about parts of our
(10:35):
lives or for whatever reason, it'snot gonna work anymore. So it's the
same thing. It's just different circumstances. Yeah, you know, and I
love the word seasons, you know, to remind ourselves that we tend to
lump life. This is life,right, But actually life is segmented into
(10:58):
seasons. Some of them are moreenjoyable, some of them are more challenging.
But I think that having that joyousexperience of enjoying the ice cream and
then hitting the wall with that icecream are the two sides of the coin
to help move us on. Wouldn'tyou agree? When things happen in life
like we're really enjoying it and somethingchanges, that change is where you can
(11:20):
begin to ask the questions, iswhat's going on in my mind? Yes?
And just to take it into aneveryday thing. Think about your exercise
routine. If you're doing something andyou're doing the same exercise, the same
stations at the gym, or thesame whatever it is, at some point
it stops working. You're not goingto keep getting better or stronger or more
(11:41):
fit. It's just going to beover. So you got to do something
and change it up. And lifeis that way too. Yeah. I
think as our mind and our heartsexpand with the joys and the sorrows,
you know, it does profoundly beginto shift up. And I think the
shift is good. I think comfort. Comfort can cause us a little bit
(12:05):
of trouble sometimes, wouldn't you agree? Yeah, comfort can lead to complacency.
It's like the groove that becomes arut, that becomes a grave.
You know, it's like there,and it can happen without us knowing it.
It can happen for a bunch ofreasons. One could be because we're
a little lazy. It's like,hey, I know this, I can
(12:26):
name that tune in two notes,and so why would I grow and stretch
and learn something new and get outof a comfort zone and you know,
have to learn new stuff all overagain. And so I don't follow anybody
for that. I'm not saying itto shake my finger and wag it and
say to somebody, don't do that. Hell, I've done it. There
are times I've had to been ejectedfrom my comfy seat. And oftentimes that
(12:48):
will happen in a relationship. There'llbe if it's a partnership, one of
the partners becomes dissatisfied, Well,something's got to change. Because you can't
just stay in that, mired inthat mess for a long period of time.
Same thing with career. You canstay you don't have to quit,
(13:09):
but your life is going to devolvebecause you're going to be getting up in
the morning hitting the snooze feeling likehell, and that that'll affect other parts
of your life. So it's allin a related mm hmm, hitting snooze.
That's a good analogy, isn't it. Where am I hitting snooze?
That might be a good question.Oh, that's a fabulous question. I'm
(13:31):
stealing that one, Gina. Yeah, you know, I think there are
back to my season's thoughts. Ithink there are seasons where hitting snooze has
a protective purpose. You know,when I was thinking about when my father
in law died and I was caringfor my mother in law, I did
hit snooze on a lot of thingsbecause I my bandwidth energy, you know,
(13:56):
mental and emotional. I needed toI needed to understand this is not
the time to push all the boundariesout. This is a time to kind
of And so I think what we'retalking about is recognizing where you are where
you want to go, and thenthere's that dance that happens with where I
(14:20):
am and where I want to goand what is your experience in the challenges
that women come up against as theydevelop the courage that you help them find.
Before I answer your question, Iwant to reframe something for you.
I don't think you hit the snoozewhen you were being a caregiver. I
think you hit pause. I thinkthere's a very big difference. And so
(14:43):
I wanted to make sure, notjust for listeners, but for you that
you know that wasn't that you werecopying out or you know, whatever it
was. You needed to do thatso you could devote your resources and your
energy to that which was most importantin front of you. Okay, thank
you, thank you. I appreciatethat. Yes. So, so your
(15:05):
question, I'm going to paraphrase itto make sure that I got it correct.
Is what are the kinds of thingsthe obstacles that come up when you
decide that you're going to make somechange and you're and you're like, all
right, it's like like New Year'sresolutions. You know, I'm going to
do this. Yeah, that's it. Starting on January third, I'm going
to do blah blah blah blah blah. Is that correct? Is that what
(15:26):
you're we're going what are the barriersto the courage and how do you help
them overcome it? The first andbiggest, most profound one is self doubt,
Like you're the one that gets inyour own damn way. And it's
like I have I do a groupprogram. It's a group of women all
over the world that get together everyweek and we meet for a year,
(15:48):
and recently we had a conversation aboutimposter syndrome and I asked and also feeling
like not wanting to speak up infront of a group because you're going to
feel like an you're an ass oryou know, being afraid to volunteer for
something because you think you'll fall inyour face. And I ask the Zoom
group, raise your hand if you'veever felt like that, and there wasn't
(16:11):
anybody that didn't raise their hands.So the biggest is we get in our
own ways, and the self doubtcreeps in I'm too old? Who do
I think I am? And thoseself doubt messages aren't yours. They were
put there. They were sown inyour garden by somebody else. And oftentimes
(16:32):
it's our families of origin not blamingpeople's parents and saying, you know,
it's your parents' fault, that everydamn thing that's wrong with you, they
caused it. That's not my pointat all, but the way that we
grow up thinking about things like ourvalues, about things like money, or
what create what is success, whatconstitutes a good partner, what's a good
(16:56):
career path for a woman to follow? Those are the kinds of things that
we learned from our parents. Doesn'tmean that we bottom lock stock and barrel,
but we were influenced by parents andteachers and the caregivers around us at
that point in time. If youthink about it, those people who instilled
those beliefs and values in us learnthem from somebody else. And so if
(17:21):
it's your family of origin, yougo back a generation, and then you
go back a generation from there,and you can see why therapists will often
talk about generational trauma and things thatare carried forward. The good news is
you can break that by being awareof it. But if we go or
if we walk around in a comaand don't stop and think about where did
(17:45):
I get that belief? Where didthat come from? Is that actually true?
Is that me? Or is thatsomebody else that I'm parroting without even
thinking about it. And when youcan start to look at things that way,
then and you can begin to pullthe thread and unravel where you got
all that stupid stuff. You knowwhat's interesting is sometimes I'll be in a
(18:08):
situation where I will tune into acomment or an attitude or something from say
a family member, and I'll realize, ah, there that's the shadow of
maybe this thing that I wonder,why do I feel this or why do
I believe this, or why doI struggle with this? Not the blame
(18:30):
thing, like you said, butjust that awareness of the trickle down effect
of the people around us, becausewe're basically open basins to the people that
we're in relationship with pouring in.But what are we poring in? Do
we have a nice filter for thosethings? Or are we just an open
container? And I think as childrenwe're an open container, and we learn
(18:52):
as adults what we need to learnas adults. I don't know that everyone
has, but the goal in healthyrelationship is to learn to have a filter,
even for those that are let's sayhealthier or more whole in our lives.
Because I think it's in that there'sa verse in the Bible that talks
about is iron sharpens iron. It'stalking about when you're walking through your journey
(19:15):
of faith and how as believers cometogether. We challenge each other, and
we challenge our thinking. And that'sthe visual that's in my head right now
that when we're in relationship and let'ssay relatively healthy, because no one's one
hundred percent right, we do sharpeneach other. We kind of knock those
rough edges off, or we youknow, maybe clarify some of the dull
(19:37):
areas. And I think it's importantto be in community when you're going through
this, but the right kind ofcommunity, so that our basin is being
filled, to your point, notwith a junk, but with the fresh
waters of truth and healthy and wholethoughts and you know ideas. Yes,
and let me jump on that andsay it's a it's a there's a quid
(19:59):
pro to that as well. Soyes, we need to be able to
be open and receive and challenged andso forth. And then we have an
obligation to those we love to doit back lovingly and to say do you
realize or are you aware or I'venoticed a pattern? You know, not
(20:22):
never like this, but always likethis, right, and then we know
that we are we are doing aswe should. Yeah, that's that.
As iron sharpens iron, it's twolet's say two swords right coming against each
other, you know, refining ourrefining each other. And I think that's
(20:42):
the beauty of this season of lifeis the women that I meet through this
podcast, yourself included. There's awisdom, there's an life experience, there's
a richness that each person brings,and we rub off on each other a
little bit. It we help eachother think a little bit differently. And
(21:02):
I think as we lose track ofourselves, a lot of the times,
I feel like women have lost trackof their own intentional relationships and friendships.
Like I think about back when Iwas homeschooling, our community were the people
that were homeschooling with us. Butand those people carried through all those years
and maybe a little bit beyond,and I did sort of choose those people.
(21:25):
It's like in high school, rightwhen you go to school, it's
like you're in that group, butyou didn't necessarily choose. You choose from
the group you're given. And Ithink as an adult, you have this
opportunity to go ooh, I getto like choose. I think it's so
important for us to tap into thatin this season of life, because I
think a lot of women have becomeisolated. Has that something that you found?
(21:48):
Yeah, and the isolation, well, the pandemic didn't help. And
we won't spend any time on thatbecause thank you, it's been taken away
from us. Yes, of thatevent, but yeah, absolutely, And
part of it has to do withthat whole thing that I spoke of earlier
with I don't want to speak upbecause I'm going to sound foolish. I
(22:08):
don't want to go to that event. I don't know what to wear,
I don't you know. It's thatwhole self consciousness that takes away self confidence
and so yeah, and then youdo become isolated. And also let's not
forget that at this stage in life, many of us are divorced or widowed.
(22:29):
Certainly a lot of us are emptynesters. And so that the nuclear
family that was so important that weinsulated sometimes against the world, for which
is perfectly appropriate in certain places,that's gone. The reason to be that
way is no longer exists. Andlike, now what right? Yeah,
mm hmm, I think that nowwhat is a really powerful question. I
(22:55):
just love this conversation around connection andfriendship because I think as we develop courage,
it's easier to develop courage in community. And I think someone like yourself
who focuses on courage as a coach, it may be a paradigm shift for
someone to think, oh, Ineed a coach to find courage. And
I think it's important for people tounderstand that an outside perspective can help us
(23:18):
process through and think through some ofthese things, because sometimes when people are
close to us, they want usto be happy, they want us to
feel good. You know, it'sharder for them to push back maybe.
And so how do you as acoach, how are you different than say
a community member of someone who's tryingto figure these things out. Well,
(23:40):
you gave a little preview of thetrailer of the movie there just a second
ago. Because the big thing isyour coach, your spiritual guide, your
therapist, whoever it is that youchoose to be on a journey with,
doesn't have a horse in your racethe same way that somebody in your family
(24:02):
does, or even your best friend. So let's use a hypothetical example.
My best friend may decide that shewants to go move to California to pursue
career or something. I don't wantmy best friend to move to California.
For Pete's sake. I live inIowa. I don't want her to go
away and leave me. So whenshe asked me what I think, I'm
(24:23):
tempted to say, Oh, Idon't know. Have you read the news
about California. They got a lotof fires out there, they got earthquakes,
they got all kinds of weird stuff. You don't go to California.
And I love her and I wantthe best for her, but I want
the best for me too. Soremember that not that sometimes people don't have
(24:44):
pure intentions, and it's not onpurpose. They're not setting out to sabotage
you. It's just that it's hardfor them to see. So that's a
big part of it. So theother thing about a coach or anybody that's
been trained in this kind of work, my face favorite thing to do.
I'm like Colombo. I look forclues, I look for patterns. I
(25:04):
listen to words, just like earlierin the conversation, when I made the
distinction with you between snooze and pause, that hopefully for somebody listening, maybe
for you, it's like oh yeah. Sometimes it's a oh yeah about watching
the words that you use, orthinking about but sometimes it's up Mike drop
(25:26):
mind blowing, Holy cow. Yeah, that's you know, it's like I
wasn't seeing it that way, andso I think it's that that's the biggest
part, and allowing that to happen. The other thing is the final thing
I'll say about that is if Imake a correction to a client, we're
(25:48):
in a relationship where they're expecting that, or I'm challenging them, I might
say, you know, well,Gine, I think you're using a word
you don't mean to use. Ifthat were your partner or your spouse,
you might get poed and be like, don't be correcting me on my vocabulary.
(26:11):
You're not listening. Nobody's going tosay that to me their coach.
They're paying me money. They realizeI have their best interest at heart,
and they'll be more likely to giveme a nod and go, you know,
you've got a point there, mWell, and receiving when we're seeking
that course, correction, that direction, all of that it does put us
(26:34):
in a different frame of mind,which might bring us to the point of
that's a good way to go intothis season of life of trying to figure
out what's next. Is put shiftingthe mindset to learning, to being curious
investigating, not looking for a hardanswer per se, but trying to figure
out exactly you know, hmm,this is interesting. What if I tried
(26:57):
this? What if you know,just what if in your way for a
little bit and kind of tapping backinto the things that bring us joy.
And it does take courage, doesn'tit to step into even something you used
to do, like twenty thirty yearsago? You know? Yeah, especially
if you're in the in your mind, you've got a snapshot of what you
(27:19):
were like at that point in yourlife when you left it. Like if
it's a physical thing, an example, I'm a recovered runner, and so
I ran for years and years andyears. If I went and I don't
run any longer, I'm more ofa walker. But let's say I got
a bug up my butt and Isaid I'm going to go back to running.
(27:40):
Well, when I left running,I ran a minimum of six miles
every single day, and I hada speed that I was used to in
a route that I could do andit included hills. If I went right
now and tried to do that,well, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
So you can't expect to be thatperson. And it's not just the
(28:02):
physical capabilities. It's though, allthe things that you've picked up and learned
and the experiences that you've had.You're a different person today than you were
certainly ten years ago. Yeah,hopefully right. That's right. And in
my case, thank goodness, soI can resonate with that thank goodness for
(28:22):
myself as well. I think that'sthe beauty of this process of being curious
and investigating. We get to honorthose parts of ourselves that have grown,
those parts of ourselves that have changed. And it's an encouragement, isn't it
to look back and see where we'vegrown and changed, because it reminds us
of our resilience. It reminds usof our ability to continue to do those
(28:48):
things going forward. It's not like, oh, I did that and now,
because I feel like, if Imay side note this, there are
certain ideas about aging that are notempowering. Right. It's like you have
to accept a certain dormancy, youhave to accept a certain inability. And
I'm not talking about playing football beinga prima vallerina. I'm just talking about
(29:14):
there's subtle messaging out there that makesyou think you have to accept certain things
about aging and just fade off intothe sunset. Right. But I found
through women that I've met through thehonor of having a podcast where I get
to talk to women who are eventen years older than you, that are
like, that is not the wayI'm going out, And I'm living proof,
(29:37):
you know what I mean, Likeit's it is a choice. We
do have limitations sometimes in our healthand things, but I'm talking about what
happens in our mind, and that'sreally what you're doing for people. You're
shifting this two three inches so therest of them will move in a new
direction. Am I right? Absolutely? And remember the things that we talked
(29:59):
about values and them being transferred froma family of origin or caregivers bringing up.
We learned about aging from that samepopulation, and oftentimes sometimes it was
spoken, but more often than notit was observation. And when I think
about the woman that I am atsixty seven and my mother and what she
(30:25):
was like, what she looked like, the things that she did, how
she wore her hair, her clothes, and so forth, and then think
about her mother, it's worlds apartand worlds of difference, and I moved
out. I left my hometown whenI was seventeen and never went back,
so I didn't spend a lot oftime around my family of origin. I
(30:47):
was off first generation college, goingto college, going to graduate school,
moved out to Iowa to take myjob, and blah blah blah blah blah,
and so I didn't I wasn't immersedin that, and so I got
the different viewpoint. But it's easyto view something that you're around every day
(31:07):
and say, that's what it's liketo be that age, that's what it's
like to be retired, that's whatit's like to be a widow, and
it doesn't necessarily have to be Ilove that reminder. I think that way.
Naturally, it didn't necessarily come fromthat. But I'm wired a little
(31:32):
wont key compared to what maybe butthat possibility it doesn't have to be a
big thing, and I think thatthat might be something to take a moment
for the listeners and think it doesn'thave to be a huge change, right.
(31:52):
It's the baby steps, baby babysteps. It's not like, Okay,
if you don't just up end yourlife and change everything, you're not
really taking action. Do you knowhow there's kind of that aggressive you know
what change looks like out there?Yeah, I'm so glad you said that,
because when you think about it,like the word courage, it's a
(32:15):
word that people you know like andembrace, but it's also can be an
intimidating word. It's one of thosewords that you expect to see in bold
typeface and a little bit bigger thanthe other words in the paragraph. And
it doesn't have to be Courage canbe very quiet. Courage can be something
that nobody else sees. It's Itmight be the courage to admit that you're
(32:39):
wrong, or the courage to makesome little like you're saying, a small
shift, a paradigm shift. Sometimesthe courage that you need. And the
change that we're talking about isn't wholesalechange like quit the job, divorce,
the husband moved to another state.It doesn't have to be that. It
(33:00):
could be that the change is asa realignment inside where you say, I'm
looking at this all wrong. AndI'll give you a very fast example.
I had a woman I was coachingwho decided she hated her job. She
wanted to get out of it.She wanted more than anything to be an
entrepreneur. She was also raising achild, and we did some exploration,
(33:25):
and because I've been an entrepreneur sinceI was twenty eight, NonStop with several
different businesses, it's an area Iknow a great deal about. So I
was kind of coaching her on bothsides of it. Of here's so,
let's talk about being an entrepreneur andwhat that world is like. Let's talk
about making change and what things youneed to take into consideration. Ultimately,
she made the decision that she wasgoing to stay in her job, not
(33:49):
because she got scared, not becauseshe quit or she bailed out, but
because she said this to me.She said, you know what, my
job, this isn't my forever job, but my job makes the other things
in my life possible, and thosethings right now, in this moment are
more important to me. So I'mgoing to stay where I'm at, and
(34:09):
when the time is more right,I'll be back. And she has courage
because she had the courage to takea look at it as one entire her
life isn't just one thing. Thismarriage sucks, I got to get out
of it or this job or whatever. It's your entire life, and how
does that fit together? So hershift, her courage, Her change was
(34:30):
to put on that different pair ofglasses and say, this job isn't fabulous,
but it pays money. I've gotfreedom and I can raise my child
the way that I want to.And I can't do that as a startup
business because it takes two damn muchtime. I like that you pointed out
(34:52):
that the change was not the actualchange of job, it was the change
of perspective. Attitude is so it'slike my parents would, Attitude is everything,
and I'm like, blah blah blahblah blah. All right, mom,
Dad, you were right. Itis. It's so much. There
are some things that you have todo. You don't have any choice about
(35:13):
it. I've got a dentist appointmentin two weeks. I need to go,
and so I can go with dreadand a not in my stomach,
or I can go with okay,I only have to be here forty six
more minutes. Yes, and almostzoom out when we're doing these things and
really looking at like this woman did. Right, what's the bigger picture here?
(35:37):
What are the gains from this decision? You know? Yes? The
drawback is I hate this right,I hate go to the dentist. But
why do I go to the dentists? I don't want to lose these right
exactly. It's a like you said, it's back to that perspective and really
thinking about it. Takes courage forsome of us to go to the dentist,
or it takes courage for some ofus to change jobs, or to
(35:59):
ask for the raise, or toreach out and make a new friend,
right, trying something new. Couragecomes at all shapes and sizes, and
I find that when we have justa little bit right, we don't have
to be warrior princesses all the time. Right, Although wouldn't that be cool,
you know, I don't know,it sounds exhausting. We need to
(36:24):
refuel too. I mean, I'mtalking about courage and making changes and doing
these things and examining. But letme also say, because you prompted it,
there's a place for rest too.And I'm not saying complacency, although
once in a while complacency may notbe a bad thing. You know,
once in a while it's okay tojust sit back and go, I love
(36:46):
where I'm at, and it's youhad that period of time in your life
and it's you savored it, youloved it. It's part of who you
are, so don't be in herto get out of it. That's a
good thing to remember, even thedifficult things, being in a hurry to
(37:07):
get out of it. I'm readingthrough a book right now. I also
have it on audible, so I'mlike listening and reading because I really want
to go through it. It's calledThe Resolution for Women, And there's this
what's next personality? Like you know, I'm a mover and a goer,
and I think that, like yousaid, the savoring, the moment,
(37:31):
the pause, the productive pause,if I could use those dichotomies together,
you know, it's a pause thathas a purpose, right to rest our
mind, our body, our soul, or to just breathe in the moment
and not miss this this moment that'llnever be back. Yes. Yes,
(37:52):
And anyone listening who is a mamaand has watched their child sleep. In
my case, I'm a pet mamaand I sometimes will watch my cat and
he's just so peaceful, and Ican tell when he's dreaming, and you
watch their tummies go up and down, and it's like, you know what,
(38:12):
it's the crap that happened an hourago doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Will this too shall pass? Thebank got something wrong, they'll get
it figured out. Yeah, thosemoments that you're talking about are those little
gifts that if we're taking the time, we have the opportunity to unwrap those
little gifts. Yep, there's littleshots of encouragement, you know, to
(38:38):
our soul. They really are soSherry. If you were to give my
audience three key takeaways, three thingsyou really want them to anchor in,
maybe starting points, maybe encouragements,whatever is in your heart right now,
what would those three things be?I would say the first thing is it's
never too late. And I hearthat often when we were talking about what
(39:00):
age is midlife, I again atmy age, my age, my ripe
age of sixty seven. I'm lookingahead and saying, you know, I
love my coaching practice. I lovewhat I'm doing, and I'm thinking about
making a few adjustments, some shifts, some changes. I don't know what
it looks like. And I'm notbeing hoy. I just but I will
(39:23):
tell you. I walk my talk. I asked those questions. I did
some renovation to my house, whichI love, but I wanted it to
change it up so it's not toolate. Don't do that to yourself.
The second one would be remember thatyou have people around you who love you,
and that sometimes the advice or thesuggestions or what they view as support
(39:47):
that they offer to you may ormay not be what you need at that
moment. We talked about having somebodyhaving a horse in your race, So
remember when you're thinking about can change, particularly if it's a major one,
or if it's one that's intimate toyou, or it's one that's very private,
or it's one that seems very scary. Do yourself a favor and keep
(40:09):
your own counsel, at least inthe beginning. I think that that's smart.
That those ideas, those notions,those plans, those dreams are fragile,
and if you take it out andyou present it to someone who's not
in a good mood or doesn't haveyour best interest at heart, or has
(40:32):
their own agenda or whatever, andthey spit on it or pooh poop,
or even ask you a question,you know, that side eye question with
the eyebrow raised. It can belike a balloon being pricked by a needle,
(40:52):
and it can deflate your idea andset you back, So it's not
being sek or elusive, it's beingmindful of yourself. So that would be
the second one, and the thirdone is don't be afraid to ask for
help. Don't be afraid to gooutside of your sphere of influence coaches,
(41:17):
therapists, others, clergy, whateverit is. Don't be afraid to seek
guidance or counsel in other places,particularly once again, in a place where
your decision won't be influencing that otherperson, and vice versa. I like
(41:39):
how you talked about, you know, our dreams and are those things that
are kind of inspiring us are arefragile, they're precious, and I think
there is a time I just inagreement with you, that there's a time
that maybe we shouldn't reveal them yet, not out of fear, but just
(42:00):
out of nurture, right, justnurturing that and giving it some time to
gain some strength and clarity, right, because it's probably going to look a
little different from one end of thatthought to the execution of it. So
thank you so much for those wisewords. How can people find you,
Sherry? The best place to findme is at my website, which is
(42:23):
forkdash Road dot com and I'm sureyou'll probably put that in the show notes.
That's you can. You can reachme directly from there, send me
an email or whatever and link tomy social media and all that sort of
thing. But there are there's alot of resources on my website and that's
where I would send you all right, fantastic, Well, Sherry. I
(42:43):
want to thank you so much forbeing with me today and for sharing your
wisdom and just your knowledge. It'sso important for us to have women like
you that will step forward and encourage, empower, challenge, you know,
share the journey that you've been on. We need that, We need women
(43:05):
like you who are ahead of us. And that is really the greatest gift
that you can give, is justsharing what you've learned, what you know
and your heart to help women findthat center, that kind of north star
in their life in this season.And I'm really grateful for what it is
that you do and how you showup in the world. Thank you,
(43:25):
yes friends today, if you findus on YouTube, all you have to
do is look down below. Herwebsite will be right there for you,
so you won't have to go anywhere. But if you're on a podcast platform
and driving you can go to www. Dot Feminine roadmap dot com. Forward
Slash episode three five eight and thenwe'll have the link there in the show
(43:49):
notes. Friends, this is agreat conversation and a reminder that life is
a continual journey. There's no agewhere your life ends while you're still living
unless you choose it to be so, and to have the courage to face
each day with a little bit ofcuriosity, hope, you know, just
optimism, that one little shift,one little thing you're curious about, just
(44:14):
holding a space for that is reallyempowering. Find that community, that circle
that will help you move forward ina healthy and whole way. Reach out
to Sherry if you're looking for someonewho can help you find and build that
courage. Friends, midlife and beyondis what we choose to make it.
(44:35):
We get to decide how we livethis life. Things may happen that we
don't have control over, but weget to choose how we think about it,
how we respond to it, andthe action that we take. So
this whole conversation is to remind youto have the courage to shift toward a
life that you really want to live, regardless of what your age is.
(44:57):
Why not and what if. Whatif it's just waiting for you to make
that decision. Thank you so muchfor being with us today, friends.
I look forward to sharing more inspirationalpeople, strategies and conversations with you in
the weeks to come. Take careof my friends. Bye bye,
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