Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is casey aa, jump off that exhausting amster wheel
and intur balance.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Living with Doctor Marissa from Miss Jo.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
Doctor Marissa also known as the Asian Oprah. Her mission
to be a beneficial presence on the planet, her purpose
to be your personal advocate, to live, lap love, learn
her life motto, don't die wondering. Take back your life
with Doctor Maurissa Pey.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
And welcome your tune to to take my advice. I'm
not using a kit balance with Doctor Marissa in the
morning show here on CACAA, NBC News, CNBC News and
NBC Sports Radio station AM ten fifty f M one
oh six point five and streaming everywhere. iHeartRadio, Spotify, Stitcher, iTunes,
(00:58):
tune in Audible, Amazon Music, Tikilive, rumble Punch, is your speaker,
Streaker and more. Why so many places as well. I
really don't like to wake up first thing in the
morning and listen to all of the bad news headlines
out there. Instead, I want you to focus on good news,
(01:19):
not headlines that if it bleeds you, if it bleeds
it leads. Instead heartlines, anything to talk about that might
make you feel a little better and or more better
and or happy eighty eight percent of the time. That's right.
I'm on a happy eighty eight mission. Eighty eight million
(01:40):
more happy people in the next eight years, and I
know it keeps. I don't count down because this is
what I'll be doing for the rest of my life.
And so I'm so glad that you're here. They said
this would not last more than a year, and we
are today. Monday's always is my counter day, six hundred
(02:04):
and ninety four consecutive weeks, but who's counting, and so grateful.
Just checked almost at four million impressions on the YouTube
TV channel. So please free subscribe, give me the finger,
this one, not the other one, and then you'll know
because you'll get a learn every weekday morning to tune
(02:24):
into the show about hope and happiness. And yes, I
am your hostess with the mostest and all week we
have guests. On Tuesdays, we have Doctors in the House
series with doctor Tiffany Taita. On Wednesdays we have throwback Thursdays,
we had a brother Ishmael Toute last Thursday, Bob Proctor
(02:47):
and my doctor Michael bar Beck with the week before that,
and if I remember correctly, it was either Rico Berry
from the Cove or Don Wells from Gilligan's Island, So
we have tons of great Someone called it my show
treasure chest. So yeah, that's Thursday. And then Friday we
(03:09):
have Straight Talk with either James Hawthorne or Ricky Rebel,
and I think it is James's turn or I can't
remember when they switch every other week. And then the
irony is neither one of my co hosts of Straight
Talk are actually straight. But we talk about a myriad
of topics to help you be happier eighty eight percent
(03:33):
of the time. So that's it there. I am so
glad that you're here on Monday. Monday, which is Mental
Health Matters, mondays. I started this particular series a few
years back when I realized that the good news is
people are focused on mental health thanks to my honorable
(03:58):
moniker Oprah, who brought the conversation about are you okay
to mainstream instead of You're not okay, which Jerry Springer
brought to mainstream to balance that out. And I'm so
glad that we are talking about mental health. The bad
news about that is a lot of people, in recognizing
(04:20):
their own gaps in mental health were not I wouldn't
say tough love would say they're not taking responsibility for it. Yes,
you can go and get diagnosed and then reach out
for something to help you with that, But I'm not
against drugs. However, if you're taking something that just masks
(04:45):
what you're feeling, whether it is legal or illegal, then
you're really not dealing with some core things that will
come back up and bite you in the assets if
you do not deal with them. And that's the part
where we can control in mental health, and that's why
I do this particular series on Mondays and we start
(05:06):
every show I'll give you hint. Today's Mental Health Matters
Monday's topic is are you naked? Keeping it real versus authentic? Not?
You're not being yourself? Who are you really? All of
(05:28):
those kinds of questions. That's what we're going to deal
with today on the show for Mental Health Mondays. All right, now,
we start every show with breakfast, and if you haven't
done this before, welcome to breakfast with me. No calories
on this one, but we do start with what are
(05:49):
you grateful for? Which is the top of the button
things that we look around and say I am grateful
for that. And the rule is you can't say friends
and family because that's too general. And if you're doing
it with me, well, mondays we have time to do
all full eight. And those of you who thought I
(06:11):
was Swedish, I'm actually Chinese and eight is a lucky
number in Chinese is a homophone for good fortune. And
so that's why I say eight. Bottom of the button
is modeling for you what you do tonight for bed,
which is what are you grateful for inside of yourself
(06:31):
otherwise known as appreciation? So what do you appreciate about
who you are? And we're actually going to break that
down today for the show when we're looking at authenticity
and faking it till you make it, all of that
kind of good stuff. But what I want you to
(06:53):
do is before you go to bed today, make it
a practice, a good life practice or a hashtag discipline,
as my big brother Michael Bernard Beckwith will say, to
be able to go and really do some weight training.
A lot of us were told you're not all that.
Who do you think you are? In Chinese and Japanese
(07:15):
there's just saying the nail that stands up, it's hammered down,
not real great incentive to be proud of yourself, and
the two are inexstrictly tied. In my mind, MYBS my
belief system that mental health and how you care for yourself,
how you love yourself, how you soothe yourself, are all
(07:41):
muscles and skills that if you don't practice, you don't
feel good about yourself. When you don't feel good about yourself,
you are not in good mental health. And so that's
why I ask you to say, ask yourself, what do
you like about yourself? What is good about yourself? And
(08:02):
so I'll model that for you. You can do eight
before you go to bed, Start with one and build up.
I say that all the time. It's not all or nothing,
but you can ramp yourself up to that place. And
so I like that. I can wake up some mornings
(08:31):
I really don't want to wake up, and I do
any ways. And one of the great things about the
show is that it forces me to be disciplined around
prepping the show the day before or the week before
and then all the things that have to do. It
gives me the strength to know that I can do
(08:54):
what I set out to do, not all the time,
but at least eighty eight percent of the time, and
I like that about myself. If I say I'm going
to do something, ninety percent of the time, I'm gonna
do it. I do give myself one day out off
a month. Those of you who think that I do
(09:14):
too much, And if I hear what more persons say
to me, maybe you've got the two blood cloths because
you're supposed to just learn how to you know, slow
down if you're listening. Don't say that to me because
it won't push my button. Is I like the speed
(09:35):
at which I was going through life. However, I am
forced out. I'm not gonna say slow down, but I
am given the opportunity to look sideways to see what
else there is to do besides going up in a plane. Ah,
there's something in there for that, you know. I love
(09:57):
to make up expression and sayings and words as well.
All right. Another thing that I like about myself is
my creativity. I am definitely creative. I love to write,
I love to speak, I love to be spoken of.
I love to fill that calendar with lots of fun
(10:21):
things that are up to me. I like to write music.
So I'm gonna definitely say that I'm creative. So there's
a couple three things to give you an idea of
what I want you to do tonight before you get
to bed, instead of thinking about who's done me wrong
and who's not not nice to me and how dared
(10:43):
they if someone treats you Balley, you do have a
way now to put a review out and then let
it go. And this is something that I realized this
morning when I woke up. I haven't done that for
a place that I use to be at, and I
need to do that and then let it go. Otherwise
it sits and gets infected. All right, And that's it
(11:07):
for breakfast. Thanks for joining me for breakfast. I hope
you continue this good life habit for the next twenty one,
twenty eight, or thirty days however long you believe makes
a good life habit, and you're more than welcome to
join me every weekday morning to do this. I start
off every show this way, and or not, you can
do it at home with your loved ones. I used
(11:29):
to do this when my kids were I would take
them to school and they got in the habit of
three gratitudes every morning and at night, or actually we
put it in the morning on the drive. What do
you like about yourself, what do you like about your sister?
What do you like about your mom? So the good
(11:51):
news is it gets kids started early, and I credit
my kids good mental health with that. Also the bad
news is for my kids, I would make the kids
that we picked up on the way for carpool do
the same thing, and they were demoralized. So I'm sure
(12:11):
they're in therapy right now having to undo that. But anyways,
thanks for joining me for breakfast. All right in now
for the topic of the day that says everything is awesome.
(12:37):
The topic is, let's see sometimes my memory. I have
really great memory, but my recall sucks. But all I
need to do is pull up my handy dandy topic
list or what I wrote in the promo which will help.
(12:58):
I wrote that make it till you make it, be real,
be authentic, don't pretend, don't exaggerate, be honest, never lie.
Lots of BS belief systems that can threaten your mental health,
and certainly part of that is your happiness. So that
is the topic for today. And before I forget the
(13:24):
Asian Oprah giveaway every Monday is the audio book copy
of this number one Amazon and national bestselling book called
These screens are really funny. Take my advice. Oh no, no,
(13:47):
that's the name of the show anyways. The happiness from
wherever you are and so grateful. That's what I've been
on tour with. And unfortunately the world tour got canceled
because of the blood. But that doesn't mean that I
can't do book signings here. In fact, there's one coming
up on September thirteenth at JNL Jewelers in the Traffic Circle.
(14:11):
So if you understand what the traffic circle means, that
means you are in southern California, near Los Angeles and
Long Beach. That's where my next book signing will be
on September thirteenth, is a Saturday, so please do come.
If you have your book from Amazon, come get it signed,
(14:31):
or you can come to the Jewelers. It's a twenty
dollars donation. Part proceeds going to Habitat for Humanity, which
is part of the deal with the book and my
publishers why I picked that publisher and the audiobook will
also be given to you free. But you can get
an audiobook today by just going to doctor versus dot life.
(14:52):
And I have my website pulled up here so you
can sort of recognize it and then you can buy
I'm sorry, then you can get the audio book for free.
So that's what's going on. September thirteenth. Come join me.
You get to see me in person, take a selfie,
we'll have some fun. I'll have my microphone there and
(15:12):
do a little SoundBite. Stay microphone used on John Travolta,
halle Berry, and Quincy Jones. So it's something to come
and meet me. I would love I love meeting people
hashtag accidentally not accidentally when I'm out and about and
they go you look familiar because I have cameras in
(15:33):
my studio, or aren't you, doctor Mersa? What happened in
Bonzai Beach in Australia. Someone recognized me from my interview
with halle Berry. So I love meeting people live in person.
So you'll get a chance to do that September thirteenth
in Long Beach at jn L Jewelry. All right, now,
let's get onto the topic. On a scale of one
(15:55):
to ten, the real you would you say on a
scale of one to ten, one being never and ten
being always one hundred percent of the time, which I
hope you don't choose because that would be uh, nobody
is anything one hundred percent of the time happy. When
(16:18):
people say I'm happy one hundred percent of the time,
I go, then I'm talking to a dead person. Because
sometimes you need contrast. All the time you need contrast.
So on a scale to one to ten, and I'd
like you to close your eyes with me, take a
deep breath in through the nose, and release to the mother.
What number comes to mind in terms of your ability
(16:42):
to be the real you? The real you? Okay, So
I'm going to say eight out of ten, not because
it's my favorite number meaning good fortune in Chinese, but
because eighty percent of the time I would say that
I am allowed or given permission to or I feel
(17:05):
safe being exactly who I am. So if you're here,
I see eyeballs rolling in the studio. We're talking about
bake it till you make it the authentic you. Who
are you really? That question leading to either more or
(17:27):
less mental health soundness good mental health versus ill mental health?
Who are you really? Is the next question? So for
those of you who know who you are and answered
eight nine, then you don't have to listen to the
(17:49):
rest of the show because that's the goal. I mean,
I'd like you to stay, but that is the goal,
is to be who you are most of the time
in situations so you don't feel like one you're a chameleon,
or you're an impostor, or you're not allowed to feel real.
(18:11):
And then secondly, it brings to mind some of you
may be saying, well, what is the real me? Like,
who am I really at the core of who I am?
And that's the question that I want to start with,
because you really can't give me the second number. You
(18:32):
can't give me the rating of how how what percent
of the time are you the real you? If you
don't even know who the real you is? And some
of you be said, what do you that's crazy, doctor Brissa.
Of course I know who I am. I am you know.
I'm a mom, I'm a daughter, I'm a consultant, I'm
(18:55):
a supervisor, I'm a staff, I'm a director, I'm a singer,
I'm a songwriter. I'm a mother, I'm an aunt, I'm
a niece. I know who I am. I am my
name like I'm the oldest in this family, in the
(19:16):
pay family. I am. I know who I am. What
are you talking about? And that is such a great question,
if I do say so myself that I actually asked
this of my guests when we've done the formal introduction,
(19:37):
and then I say, I don't have an answering machine.
And that was funny in the Dodger game yesterday, and
that was also one of my peaks yesterday. I'm grateful
that the Dodgers won. I got to go to the
game thanks to my co host James Hawthorne, one of
(19:59):
my straight talk co hosts, and they had, you know,
one of those I don't know if it's a throwback segment,
but they put an answering machine a picture up there
and ask some of the players what they thought that was.
And it was hilarious because I really do need to
change this particular way I use because young people will
(20:23):
not know what I'm saying. But I say, when you
call me, I have not an answering machine, but a
questioning machine. And now I just realized that half the
people don't even know what an answer she was. But
it works with this particular question. If you get me on,
the answering machine doesn't say you know, please leave a message,
(20:44):
It says who are you and what do you want.
It's a questioning machine. I'm gonna have to figure out
how to change that so that the millennials and generation
with alphabet soup may understand what I'm saying. I do
ask you who are you? And that is an important
(21:05):
question if you're going to ask yourself. Am I being fake?
Because you can be anything if you don't know who
you are. But the fake it implies that you know
that that's not who you are. And in most cases,
the word fake has this connotation of pretend, right, it's
(21:29):
not real. I'm always amazed when there are products out there,
although you know, I'm guilty of using filter. Right, that's
the latest thing, you know, filter so that you all
(21:51):
your lines and furrows and spots on your face don't show.
If I go back in the early days stuffing your bra,
do you remember that? That's definitely dating me, because I
don't think the generation alphabet end of the alphabet suit
actually does that anymore. I don't know. I think they
(22:12):
just get like big bras or something. The surgery for
implants in your butt, in your cheeks and your chin,
even fake eyelashes, eyelash extensions. The money we spend and
the effort we spend to look like someone were not.
(22:36):
I know that when some people who are in the
news that have surgery, they don't look like this. I'll
just have to say this is half compliment. But Renee Zowiger,
I love the way she looked, and I don't know
to me, she doesn't look like her anymore after she
(22:58):
got that surgery. So so, but but our society and
ourselves are are are just consumed with this desire to
look good. But sometimes looking good doesn't. It's it's like, okay,
(23:20):
so you put on fake lashes, and you put on
you stuff your bra and you wear things that hold
things in uh, and you look good and you attract
somebody who thinks you look good. And then if you
(23:40):
you know, down the line, not right now, and I'm
not talking about one night stands, well actually it does
apply too. You know, when you start taking stuff off.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
That's the real you. And and it's almost like false advertising.
Why do we do that?
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Right? So here we go. That is for me one
of the moose on the table. This is mo my
original moose. And then Joe is who I got in
Canada this last time. He has a parachute, So Mojo
get it. My two mooses on the table, which those
(24:21):
of you are new, I'm not going crazy. I say
moose on the table to signify my Canadian born roots
instead of saying, oh, we're going to talk about the
elephant's room, we talk about them. We put the moose
on the table, all right, So I put that moose
on the table. Why do we like pretend that we
have long lashes or pretend that we have a butt
(24:44):
with something that gives us a butt to wear all
of those things to be someone that you're not, and
then when the clothes come off, the discovery could be
a little jolty. So you know, so first half of
the show I talk about keeping it real, what it's like.
And then when you pretend to be nice when you
(25:06):
know deep down you're really not nice, and or opposite,
you try to be mean when in your heart it
comes back and bites you because you're not a mean person.
And then you stay up all night thinking about, you know,
I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have done that,
and why did I do that, and all of these
ways in which fakeness or not being real hurt us.
(25:30):
And then there's the other extreme, that big push to
be authentic. You know, you have to be You're the
real you. Be authentic, say what's on your mind. Don't
let people push you around, don't be a doormat, don't
be waldowall carpet. Be who you are, say what you think.
And that authenticity sometimes too gets us into trouble. And
(25:54):
this is not what I mean when I say be
the real you. So what is the real you? And
what part of that do you really want to show
the world? Okay, So that's the topic that's keeping it real.
(26:16):
What is what is real for you? So that's the
question I want to start about. First. I gave you
a whole bunch of adjectives that could describe you, And
if I were doing this on a stage right now,
I'd ask you to raise your hand. How many of
you identify with being a mother? I have to Okay,
(26:39):
how many of you identify with being motivational speaker? Maybe
not how a sister, brother, dad, mom? Okay, all of
those descriptors, nothing wrong with them. But sometimes we define
ourselves by our role and what we do for others.
(27:05):
I almost said two others, but for others, and they're
called relational definitions of who you are. Nothing wrong with
defining yourself as a mom. Nothing wrong with defining yourself
as a supervisor or a consultant or any of those things.
Nothing wrong with that. But if that is how you
know yourself, and it's the only way you know yourself,
(27:31):
and you're a perfectionist and you're trying to be the
perfect mom or the perfect employee or the perfect whatever
that is fill in the blank, it's exhausting because you
will never be Because you can be a really really
really beautiful mom and patient and kind and you know,
just like the best mom in the world, except one
(27:52):
day you're just tired and something's happened and you're triggered
and you over yell. That's my word. I'm I was
guilty of that with my girls. I over yelled at them,
and I didn't feel good in the middle of doing it,
and I, you know, I have to cut myself some
slack because at least I didn't beat them like I
(28:15):
was taught. But I wasn't proud of that, and I'd
beat myself up for you know, I'm a horrible mom.
I'm a horrible mom. And that became, you know, such
a struggle for me raising my kids because of not
understanding that I could be a good mom and that
(28:35):
my only job is to do better, a little bit
better than my mom did, not perfectly, but just that
is a good mom. And so I had to do
a lot of work around that definition of who I am.
So that happens in everything that is a relational definition.
If you're defining yourself, if your whole identity is built
(28:59):
around either your job in your role or your role
at home, you're going to be in trouble because it's
not going to go perfectly. And then more energy comes
into being the perfect whatever it is out outside. And
this is how the imposter syndrome happens. Is you fake
it till you make it, and you're fake because you
(29:22):
know that you're really not that great of a mom,
because your voice is saying inside your head, well, they
don't see you behind the scenes, and you drive yourself
crazy because no matter what you do that makes you
a good mom, that critic in your head is going
to bring back that memory of something that you did
that didn't make you a great mom. And that happens
(29:44):
on everything. Great employee, great, sister, great, whatever. The adjective
called the relational definition of who you are, So when
I come back, don't go away when I come back.
On Mental Health Mondays, We're going to tackle who are
(30:06):
you in the core of who you are? And then
we can ask the question are you being who you
really are? And that's four Mental Mondays. So glad you're here.
We'll be right back. We're going to take a break
for news, weather, traffic, and a word from our sponsor,
(30:26):
don't go away. We'll be back into and two. Chuck
Wallery on the other side said, in two minutes, but
it's peace hidden and piece out. We'll be right back.
Speaker 5 (30:36):
Don't go away.
Speaker 6 (31:01):
Well, she has been dubbed the Asian Oprah and she
just wants all of us to be happy.
Speaker 7 (31:13):
Doctor Marissa aka the Asian Oprah says, the most important
thing you can choose is choosing to be happy.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
You are tuned into my weekly talk radio TV show
called take My Advice.
Speaker 8 (31:25):
I'm not using it. Get balanced with doctor Marissa.
Speaker 6 (31:40):
That's the idea for doctor Marissa Pay's new book call
Eight Ways to Be Happy.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
Many of us say, I am my own worst critic.
Nobody's harder on me than I am. And my response
to that is stop it. Why are you doing that?
To yourself. You have to be biggest fan, because if
you can't, at the end of the day say I
did a good job, who is We don't have to
(32:06):
constantly be angry at the things that are wrong. Why
don't we choose to be happy about things that are right.
We have the choice.
Speaker 9 (32:14):
That's our muscle. And life is so amazing if we
can see it.
Speaker 3 (32:43):
Take Life with Doctor Maurissa pay.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
And don't welcome back to take my advice. I'm not
using it. Get Balanced with Doctor Marissa The Morning Show
here on k c AA NBC News, home to the
Asian Oprah number one, taking the ie, thank you very much,
and streaming everywhere. iHeartRadio, Spotify, iTunes, tune in Audible, Amazon Music,
(33:10):
Tiki Live, rumble Podge is a streaker, speaker and more.
And of course my show Central, which is my YouTube
TV channel. So please do free subscribe, give me the finger,
this one not the other one, and you'll get an
alert to tune in every weekday morning to the show
(33:31):
about hope and happiness. And on Mondays, Rainy Days and
Mondayson Please get me up hashtag up Unlimited possibilities, that's
what we cover on Mondays and how to make ourselves happier,
(33:52):
taking responsibility for our birthrate to happiness and stop doing
the things that get in the way of our happy
tess and certainly keeping it real, fake it till you
make it? Does that really make you happy? Imposter syndrome,
fake eyelashes, fake butts.
Speaker 10 (34:14):
Fake boobs, all those things pretending to be someone we're
not a chameleon, all of those ways in which we
do that to ourselves.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
That's what we want to do on Mental health Mondays
and give you the encouragement. I do two be yourself
eighty percent of the time, but you can't be yourself
eighty percent of the time when you don't even know
who you are. So we're starting with that important question
before the break. If you missed it, go back and
(34:49):
just rewind. That's the beauty of these podcast shows that
I've been bringing you for six hundred and ninety five
ninety four consecutive weeks. Now this is a show podcast
number one thousand, four hundred and fifty five, but who's counting.
(35:11):
You can rewind and listen to it. But the bottom
line is who you are, at the core of who
you are. If you don't know and you're using your
role to do that as a mother, or as an employee,
or whatever it is that you're a daughter or son.
If you're judging yourself by what you do for others
(35:33):
as your core, you're going to be in trouble. Because
even if you're a great daughter taking care of your
mom and ninety percent of the time you're really good
at it, and one day you snap and say something
can't take back, that doesn't make you a bad daughter.
It makes you human, makes you real. But if you're
(35:54):
internal critic, if that critic that constantly picks on you,
bashes you for doing something or saying something wrong, then uh,
you're not gonna have a very good well of mental health.
Let's just put it that way. Okay. So what you are,
(36:17):
who you are at the core of who you are,
I call them core definitions of who you are, have
nothing to do with what you do for other people. Okay,
So let's do this again. I had you do it
before the break. Gently close your outer eye and take
a deep breath in through the nose and release through
(36:39):
the mouth. Soft shoulder, soft double, soft knees. We're activating
our body with our breath. Another deep breath then and
releasing all these stories and the drama that is activating
your mind with your breath and finally last breath, well
not last breath, but for this exercise in through the
(37:01):
nose and released through the mouth. That is the third
activation of your soul. Thank you for that thumbs up
or that finger, that third activation of your of your
soul that meets your spirit, that meets the breath. Now
you are fully activated from this place. Who are you really?
(37:27):
Who are you really? Not in your role, not in
the things you do for other people, because that definitely
can get you in trouble. But at the core of
who you are. Let me ask you this, are you
a caring person? Well, yeah, I try to be. No no, no, no, no, no,
not try to be. You don't try to pick up
a pencil. You either pick it up or you don't.
(37:50):
So are you a caring person? So you can keep
your eyes closed? If you if you're if you bring
your past, has anybody ever told told you you're carrying?
My guess would be yes, Somewhere down the line in
your life someone told you you're such a caring person. Now,
whether you believe them or not, if your critic was
(38:11):
driving your life car, most likely it said, well, yeah,
you're carrying in this particular instance, but they don't know
about that time when I was not carrying. That's your critic.
But if you have your balance centered you sitting in
your life, in the driver's seat of your life, you're
gonna say, yeah, most of the time, I'm a carrying person.
(38:36):
And that's a core quality of who you are that
you can claim and use as ammunition for your critic.
So this exercise is not just good to define who
you are. It's also a good exercise to make sure
(38:57):
you know who's driving your life car, because you're will
always come back with a retort that will put you down,
and if they are, if your critic is driving your
life car, it may drive you over a cliff. So
what you want to do in life is to make
sure you know who's driving in the front seat, who's
in the driver's seat. Is it your critic that's constantly
(39:19):
putting you down or is it your balance centered self.
Everybody has an integrated b SC balance centered self, doctor Marissa.
Balance centered self is driving the car that says I'm caring,
I'm kind most of the time, I'm smart, most of
the time, I'm funny most of the time. I'm creative
(39:43):
most of the time. I'm sensitive most of the time.
I can be critical some of the time. So we're
not perfect, right. So in this definition, and you'll get
this exercise if you go go to my website today,
Mental Health Matters, Mondays, you get a free audiobook copy
(40:06):
of my number one best selling national bestseller, A Ways
to Happiness, and that exercise is in the first chapter.
Because you really cannot be happy unless you know who
you are first and foremost, and you have to be
able to say I know who I am at the
core of who I am, and most of the descriptions
(40:26):
of who I am are not negative. If you beat
yourself up, if you're your own worst enemy, if you
can't take a compliment, if you have ninety nine compliments
and focus on that one criticism, you're not as happy
as you can be because your critic is driving your
life car. So that was a moosdrop right there. That's
(40:51):
talking about the elephants of the room. If you are
faking being happy, if you're figuring, oh, how are you doing,
I'm fine, I'm fine. How you doing, I'm okay? Okay.
If you answer either one of those words. My guess
is you're not as happy as you can be, all Right.
I say when people ask you how, I say, I'm happy.
(41:13):
Why even if I'm not happy at that moment, I
know that I'm a happy person eighty eight percent of
the time because that's my birthright. And I work not hard,
but I'm b discipline hashtag blissopline. I have things that
I do to keep me in that state of feeling good.
(41:34):
That's all happiness is to me. I feel good in
almost every situation that I'm in, and when I don't
feel good, I really don't feel good, and I own
it and I feel it fully to the core and
to my toes, and then I can move to the
other side of that feeling, which is happiness and an
addiction to joy. All right, So who are you if
(41:59):
you haven't sat down and listed I make it in
a pie chart, so you know I'm most of the time.
I am creative. Okay, that's a big block of my pie.
Who I am pie? Okay? And then I put down
it was like eighteen pie pieces. You might want to
(42:22):
do this now or when if you're driving, don't do it,
but it's a good exercise. You can do it as
part of the book. There's no excuse not to get
the book today. It's free. The audiobook copy is free.
Just go to doctor Marisa dot life. Put in your email.
I promise I don't spam email. I've been saying I
need to put out my quarterly since March, so we're
(42:45):
in August. I promise I'm going to do it today.
But what you want to do is define yourself in
the core of who you are. Okay, I've got carrying,
I've got kind, I've got creative, I've got funny. What
do you got? Make sure you put in the chat
if you are not driving and playing along. All right,
(43:07):
So once you have done this exercise, then you can
stop faking it. Okay. So here's the thing, fake it
till you make it. I understand. The original intention of
that is, you know, even if you don't feel like
(43:30):
you are skilled in something, you fake it, like you
say that I'm good at this when you're not good
at that, except that when you're tested on it, that
may be a little embarrassing. So and looking in the mirror,
if you really feel like you're fat and ugly, saying
you're beautiful one hundred times and faking it until you
(43:51):
feel beautiful. It's never worked for me. If it works
for you, wonderful, okay. But there has to be a
first core grasp of who you really are, at the
core of who you are, before you can actually feel
that in a way that isn't faking it. Feel that
(44:12):
so you're not an impostor feel that so that you
can move and groove in this thing called life in
a way that feels authentic. Okay. So that is the
extreme for people who are not feeling good about themselves.
(44:33):
Most often we don't feel good about ourselves because someone
has told us that you got nothing to feel good about.
If you grew up like that like I did as
one of the seven out of the town of us
who had childhood trauma. This exercise is mandatory if you
want to have a happy life, because if you still
(44:56):
have that critic driving your life car with the the
voices that you grew up with of someone telling you
you're not all that, someone telling you and you that
you're good for nothing, you're not gonna have a happy life.
And it wasn't your fault. If someone did that to you,
that was totally not your fault, and if they kept
(45:17):
doing it and were very horrible to you. I am sorry,
I really am. I feel you and you're not responsible
for that. That wasn't true then, but it isn't true
now and it. The only person that can bring you
out of that lie is you. Therapists can't do it.
(45:42):
Your person that you're looking for to complete you can't
do it. The only person who can turn your belief
system about you around is you. The buck stops right
over here. So this is the work. This is the
work that's in the book. This is the work that
(46:03):
I did. I was not in a good place going
through that divorce, remembering all the abuse that I did.
That led to me picking a man who also treated
me the same way. Not physically abusive, but emotionally unavailable.
Guess what I picked him. I'll never forget. A friend
(46:26):
of mine. I was saying, oh, I picked a guy
that was emotionally unavailable, and she said, very wisely, So
when did you figure out he was emotionally available after
he got married? Nope, I knew that way before I
got married. I tried to break up with him six
times and she looked at me and said, well, then,
(46:48):
who's really the more emotionally unavailable. One busted. I picked
a man who was emotionally unavailable because I was uncomfortable
with being emotionally available. Hello, because my critic was driving
my life car. And I want all of y'all to
(47:09):
understand who you really are because deep deep, deep, deep, deep,
deep down, however, you've covered it with layers of doubt,
self doubt, self sabotage, self hatred, self loathing, deep deep, deep, deep,
deep down. And this is your work. Is not to
(47:31):
drag the things that happened to you in the past,
the messages that told you you were good enough, into
the present, and spew it into the future. That is
your work. Nobody can fix that except you. Therapists will
help you with the road to that. Coaches will help
you to the road for that. But if you depend
(47:51):
on them to make you feel good, if you are
happy when you're a coach or your therapist says, oh,
you're doing such a good job, then you haven't gotten
it yet. You gotta be able to look at yourself
and go, you know what, good job, mama. I do
that to myself when I do laps in the pool
when I didn't feel like it, or exercise when I
don't feel like it and I do it and I say,
(48:14):
good job, mama. Right, that's not faking it. That's owning
what I did, but I had to do It's it's
I love this expression that I can't remember right now,
which is oh esteem for esteemable acts, that's not faking.
You have to do the do right in order to
(48:36):
feel the feel. Oh that's a new one. Do the
do to feel the feel If you want more self
esteem esteemable acts, don't quit. Quit doing things to yourself
that don't feel good. If it doesn't feel good to
beat yourself up. I don't know one person who says
it feels good to beat myself up. Okay, if you're
beating yourself up and it doesn't feel good, good, because
(48:58):
it's not supposed to feel good, quit beating your yourself up. Well,
I don't know how to do that. Yes, you do.
You get in touch. I just gave you the first step.
You stop, you do the three breath technology, and then
you ask for one thing about you that you like.
You'll get to sixteen, and then you balance it out
by things that you don't like about yourself. But most
(49:19):
people right now, if you're not happy I'll put money
on the way you're defining yourself is mostly negative with
a few sprinkled positives. If you can't see yourself as
most good and a sprinkle of not so good, you're
gonna have an unhappy life. Sorry, that's just the way
it is. So, but you have control over this. Can
(49:42):
you see yourself? Can you describe yourself not in a
role and what you do for others, but who you
are at the core of who you are? And I know,
beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know who you are.
Every single one of us on the planet, all eight billion. Now,
I've been saying this since we were only seven point
three billion. We are all good. At the very core
(50:08):
of who we are. We're good. We do the best
that we can. We want to be, as my bonus
dad who's ninety five will say, we want to be wanted,
needed and loved. Therefore we are of value. We can
(50:29):
help and care and love, and we are loving. Every
single one of us at the core of who you
are has that quality. We're all loving, We're all caring.
We're all smart, we're all creative. It's not just for
(50:51):
dancers and singers. We're all. We have good intentions. We
all do. Now some of us have covered all that
up by BS belief systems that don't let that part
of us come to the surface. Whatever it was. If
you were damaged when you were a kid, you take
(51:13):
on this mantle of damage and you bring it into
your present and then her. People hurt people, you do
things to others. You're doing the same thing to yourself.
You were, you are. I have never I have never
said this before. You you are, you're. You're proving yourself unworthy.
(51:33):
You're proving proving yourself unlovable. You're proving yourself that you're
a horrible person by the things that you do to
to reinforce that BS belief system. That is BS is bullshit, Taki,
that you're a horrible person and therefore you're not doomed
to do horrible things. Yes, you were hurt, doesn't mean
(51:57):
you need to hurt people. And that's the that that's
that work right, that in the middle, right, you got
to get to the point where you can sit down
quietly and be comfortable with yourself not talking and others
not talking, or filling up with whatever it is that
you're filling up with to try to soothe yourself. That
(52:18):
is temporary food, drugs, shopping, sex, whatever, that is just
a temporary soothing of feeling good about yourself. You know,
I only feel good when I'm high. I only feel
good when I've had that single malt scotch. That was
me right. It drowned out the voices. But wouldn't it
(52:38):
be great if you could do the work that you
wouldn't need something outside of yourself to feel good about yourself. Well,
this is what I have been traveling and trying to
share through the book Eight Ways of Happiness that you
get a free audiobook copy if you go to my
website today. It's up there so you can reckon. It
(53:01):
is the work to feel good and stop faking it,
to feel good eighty percent of the time and feel happy.
This is the work. You gotta be able to get
to the bottom of who you are and what's on
the bottom. There is not bad. I don't care what
you've done. I don't care what was done to you.
(53:23):
You are a good, beautiful, loving, levelble and love not perfect.
Eighty percent of the time. I'm fabulous. Thank you for
the heart and the thumbs up. Thanks for giving me
the figure that's who we all are, no matter how
we're feeling, no matter what the situation is, if we
can find that part of us that is truly us,
(53:45):
it's the part that you were born with. Babies Know
how beautiful and wonderful they are. Watch the way they
laugh at everything, Watch the way they are they look
at the world. That's that's who we really are. There's
not one baby that's born hurting others. There's not one
(54:06):
baby that's born saying you suck. All babies are born
with that, Jois de Ville, that's who we really are.
We want to live eighty eight percent happy. We want
to live eighty eight percent who we really are creative, caring, loving, innovative, joyful,
(54:32):
judgmental some of the time, critical some of the time,
invasion some of the time. Those are my three downs.
And I don't beat myself up about it because I'm
not eighty eight percent of that all the time. Plus
I know where it came from. I know people who
say I don't know who I am. I just don't
want to be my mother, or I don't want to
be my father, or I don't want to be that
(54:52):
person that was so mean, And I say, you know,
cut yourself some slack. You know. I don't like the
fact that I am impatient and I don't have that
P word in my dictionary, but hey, I have genetics
from that era. I call it the Tao Dynasty. It's
not just my mom, but there's a lot of strong
(55:13):
and patient women in my line, and so I did
Inherit a little doesn't mean that defines who I am.
And I had a primary role model who was that.
So cut myself some slock. Yeah, I have a trigger,
you know, and I don't like it. But if I
don't fight it and just say, oh, that's my twelve percent,
(55:35):
then I'm not hating myself. Then I'm not blaming myself.
Then I'm actually having a happy life. That's that is
the ticket, folks. This is the work, and I hope
that you heard some of that and can take it.
And there's no excuse. The audiobook is free. Just sign
up today. I'll send you the promo codes. You can
(55:56):
start doing the work and I get to read the
audiobook so you'll have my voice in your ear in
the meantime. Free subscribe to my YouTube TV channel. I
come at you every weekday morning on the morning show.
Thanks for joining me this morning. Ah, the guys at
the station just laugh as I can carry the whole
(56:16):
show without a guest. It's about It's all about balance,
piece and pice out world peace through inner peace. Now
go and have the best day ever. Doctor Marissa reporting
live out of my living room. I love my life.
(56:38):
See you tomorrows.
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