KCAA: Get Balanced with Dr. Marissa (Fri, 29 Aug, 2025)

KCAA: Get Balanced with Dr. Marissa on Fri, 29 Aug, 2025

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
This is casey Aa, jump.

Speaker 2 (00:05):
Off that exhausting amster wheel and into balance.

Speaker 3 (00:08):
Living with Doctor Marissa from Miss Jo.

Speaker 4 (00:15):
Doctor Marissa also known as the Asian Oprah. Her mission
to be a beneficial presence on the planet, her purpose
to be your personal advocate, to live, lap love, learn
her life motto, don't die wondering. Take back your life
with Doctor Maurissa Pey.

Speaker 3 (00:36):
And welcome your tune to to take my advice. I'm
not using it. Get Balanced with Doctor Marissa. That morning
show here on NBC News, CNBC News, NBC Sports radio
station casey AA AMN fifty FM one O six point
five and streaming everywhere iHeartRadio, Spotify, iTunes, Tune in Audible,

(00:58):
Amazon Music, Tiki Live, Rumble Punches, your Streaker, Speaker and more.
Why so many places because I want to maximize my
splatter zone for more hope and happiness. So we're balancing
out all the bad news out there. No headlines, your
only heartlines, because all of the headlines are created and
produced to draw the following reaction from you, what is

(01:22):
wrong with people? Instead, the show focuses on what is
right with you and me and the world, And for
those who said I wouldn't last a year. I'm so
delighted to tell you that we are celebrating my thirteen
years all month. May one, twenty twelve was my very
first show and I'm still here and we're still having fun.

(01:46):
And you can tell from the hot looking guy in
the car that it is Friday story talk with myself and.

Speaker 5 (01:59):
James Author and welcome everybody.

Speaker 3 (02:02):
And you can tell is there a way to put
your camera a little closer because your head compared to
my head, it looks like I shrunk.

Speaker 5 (02:09):
You there only if I slide up in my seat's.

Speaker 3 (02:13):
Yeah, why don't we do that? Because I don't want
people to say, you know, my big head in your
little head even though it's Friday. I uh, let's see.
We're gonna start with breakfast as usual, which is taking
a bite of my gratitude sandwich and top of the
bun things outside of yourself that you're grateful for, bottom

(02:35):
of the bun, things that you're grateful for inside of
your self appreciation. I'll explain that once we finish with
the top of the bun, which is I am grateful
for trash collectors that you can hear outside my window
right now, and I don't know what it is with
people who don't get enough attention that need to have

(02:56):
their car alarms going off all the time. But I
am even I'm grateful for carl alarms. What are you
grateful for, James.

Speaker 5 (03:04):
I'm grateful for increasingly better cell phone service allowed me
to jump on this call from the car today after
getting stuck in a gnarly traffic jam. So yeah, I've
even noticed that spots that used to be dead, like
going over the four or five by the Getty Center,
going over the hill there, now have service. So I'm
grateful that that infrastructure is slowly but surely getting better.

Speaker 3 (03:28):
Awesome Sauce. I'm grateful that I have great co hosts.
Those of you who missed the roast celebrating thirteen years,
I'm getting so many like Ricky's rebels. His group said, well,
his mother, which is very important. I don't know if

(03:50):
your mother saw it, but his mother said it was
the best episode that she's seen. I don't know if
I like that or not, but best episode of the
show she's seen in the last year. She just started
a year that Ricky's been on or less than a year,
but it was very funny. So if you have a chance,
free subscribe on the YouTube TV channel give me the finger,

(04:14):
this one not the other one, and watch that. I'm
grateful that I just checked and I thought I was
close to three hundred and thirty three thousand views, and
I was kind of shocked this morning. It's three hundred
and thirty nine thousand already and over a million impressions.
So that's like shocking numbers to me. Those of you

(04:37):
who know me, well, I don't like the whole number situation,
but of course if I have to check it in
it's good without me buying numbers, then I'm super happy.
That just means that people are getting coerced into thinking
more positively by myself and the show, which is great.
So I'm grateful for that. What else are you grateful for? James?

Speaker 5 (05:02):
Uhh, there we go. You're back.

Speaker 3 (05:05):
I'm like, where did he go?

Speaker 5 (05:07):
I was like, where did you go?

Speaker 3 (05:09):
Uh?

Speaker 5 (05:09):
Yeah, I seem to have a lot of bars, so
I was wondering if that was on your end anyway.

Speaker 3 (05:15):
Nope, are you there? Are you there? What are you
grateful for?

Speaker 5 (05:22):
I'm grateful for my friend and his mom taking me
to Saint John. Saint Thomas is a belated birthday gift.
It was really wonderful. They were going down there anyway,
invited me to tag along, which was great, and uh,
just Saint John's is absolutely gorgeous. It's like a it's
like a nature preserve, the whole island and it was

(05:44):
just so so beautiful. Able to float in those crystal
clear waters and spend hours a day snorkeling and swimming,
and just a really great getaway from l A really
nice change of pace, and you know, with a with
one of my best friends.

Speaker 3 (05:58):
Awesome. I am putting the story up that we're on
Live right now. If you're wondering what I'm doing. Where
is Saint.

Speaker 5 (06:05):
John It's the US Virgin Islands, so it's pretty much
just east of Puerto Rico. Ah, how long is the
flight from Miami? It's about two and a half hours,
so I connected through Miami.

Speaker 3 (06:20):
How's Miami?

Speaker 5 (06:23):
I couldn't tell you. Could only tell you about the airport.

Speaker 3 (06:27):
People say, oh, which sunny state? Do you live in?
Florida or California? Is like please, I don't even want
to compare. Obviously, I'm not a huge fan.

Speaker 5 (06:38):
The nice thing about the Virgin Islands the US Virgin Islands.
Is you don't need a passport to go, so you
don't have to deal with customs on the way back.

Speaker 3 (06:45):
That's awesome.

Speaker 5 (06:47):
Yeah, all right.

Speaker 3 (06:49):
What else am I grateful for? I am grateful that
I got my third magazine cover coming out, so that
is super duper nice when I get acknowledged. And I'm very,
very grateful for my new PR team for doing their work.

(07:13):
One is, I've never had PR, to be honest, I've
done it myself and it's been a lot of fun.
And I have to tell you a little story later.
Remind me it's not very nice, so I'll tell you off.
But it's just like my life is a series of
what caught? What are the chances of that kind of experience?

(07:37):
But I am truly grateful that it seems like happiness
and my happy eighty eight mission eighty eight million more
happy people in the next eight years is definitely on
the role, So I'm happy.

Speaker 5 (07:51):
I'm grateful for my electric stim machine. With all the
adventuring I was doing and all of the followed by
a really really long travel day to come home, this
little thing on my back works wonders and it's so
cheap and affordable and normally, you know, if you've ever
been to physical therapy or seeing the chiropractor, you may

(08:12):
have had an electric stem. But you can go on
Amazon and buy one for like thirty five bucks, and
it provides so much relief when your muscles lock up,
spasmed out. It's a little free personal trainer. Tip of
the day, one of the cheapest yet most effective self
therapy things you can do to keep your body working
right if you get a crick in your neck or

(08:32):
a cramp in your low backer anywhere for that matter,
in your soft tissue. So I'm just grateful for how
accessible these devices are for people to just go and
buy on Amazon.

Speaker 3 (08:42):
Awesome. It's like a tens machine, right.

Speaker 5 (08:45):
That's exactly what it is. Yeah, it was like a
thousand for those who don't know, It's like a thousand
little fingers tapping on you, and it makes your muscles
contract and relax, contract and relax forces blood in there,
helps with healing. Wonderful thing to have at your disposal.

Speaker 3 (08:58):
Yeah, I have one too. I think I got it
at a like a a fair or something. But as
soon as my back starts feeling badly, that's what I do.
So yeah, it's funny. Well you're a trainer. Those of
you didn't know, And I just want to remind everyone
that if you are in the greater Los Angeles there

(09:19):
and you want a great trainer, James is your guy,
and he can if you mentioned the show, he'll give
you a discount. Just say it's an Asian OPRA giveaway.
But yeah, which is? And he's also an actor. And
are you allowed to say what you just shot?

Speaker 5 (09:38):
Yeah? I can mention it. I just can't say anything
about the plot. But I had a really nice time
working on Days of Our Lives yesterday. I was in
three scenes where I had lines, and you know that cast,
that crew, they're always so friendly. They go out of
their way to introduce themselves and they're very kind. It's
really the antithesis of stereotypical Hollywood ego over there. It's

(10:05):
a well oiled machine. It's just a great, great production,
and it's on it's airing on Peacock now rather than
on NBC. But I've been on that show numerous times
and it's always just a wonderful experience. So shout out
to the people at Days for running a tight ship
and a friendly ship.

Speaker 3 (10:22):
Can you say what what you played? Like, what what character?

Speaker 1 (10:27):
Yeah?

Speaker 5 (10:27):
I could said, I just can't reveal any plot. I
played a male nurse, so you know, dealing with some
drama and trauma in the in the hospital. Cool.

Speaker 3 (10:38):
Cool. I have so many bad thoughts right now, I'm
not going to verbalize them at all, because even though
it's Friday. But I'm so glad that you had that
experience and I urged him to not go to the game.
I'm grateful that James has orientated me enough to have

(11:05):
gone to three solo games. I was only supposed to
go to two games without him while he was in
Saint James, Saint John Luke, Matthew, I don't remember which,
but when he was gone, and then he was supposed
to come to the one where go Dodgers. We were
down by one for like six innings I think it

(11:28):
was and little concern, huh.

Speaker 5 (11:33):
It was a real Pictures duel.

Speaker 3 (11:35):
Yes, it was. D May did very well and I
read up on all of his stuff. I saved a
thingy for you the Insider too.

Speaker 5 (11:43):
Oh thank you, you're welcome.

Speaker 3 (11:45):
And I actually read it cover to cover and it
was so I mean, I just have to say I'm
grateful for the Dodgers because they over any other team,
over any other sport that I'm familiar with. You can
argue with me, but I went through all of the sports.
I can't think of another sport that has so much

(12:06):
diversity and common camaraderie and just this really high vibe
feeling when I go to the game and I you know,
I take the free bus from Union Station and and
I mean, it's just such a the kids up to

(12:27):
Like the I met a ninety year old was sitting
beside me, and she, you know, she has dementia and Alzheimer's,
but she knows enough about the game that you know,
she was talking baseball. I was just so impressed. I
wanted to record her to play it for you. But
you know, the diversity, ethnicity, diversity, generation, race, socio economic,

(12:55):
all the difference, and everyone was there to cheer on. Really,
I mean, the story behind Freeman Freddy and what he
had to go through. I mean, it's just, honestly, I
have to give kudos. I'm going to give the Dodgers
Benefit Doctor Marissa's Beneficial Presence on the Planet Award. I've
never done that, but here we go, and I have

(13:22):
to thank you, James for giving me the up close
and personal experience I've been watching. My bonus. Dad was
the one who actually first started me on baseball, and
he's ninety five now, and he said, when are you
going to start watching it with me? Because I've been
going to the games with you. So I've got my
full set of bobbleheads now that I want, and I'm

(13:45):
so glad I got to interview Kershaw some years back,
Tommy Lasorda's wife widow, And so I'm a definite Dodger
fan thanks to my dad and you, James.

Speaker 5 (13:59):
It's one of the only I mean, you go to
a game and it turns adults into kids again, and
it's a community of fifty thousand people in one space,
all rooting for the same thing. And it's just a
really nice break from the trials and tribulations of everyday
adult life to go and watch a kid's game and
cheer your face off and you know, and they do

(14:20):
a great job of entertaining the crowd before the game
and the center field pavilion and it's a lovely experience.
It's totally worth some of the hassle of getting there
and dealing with the traffic. If you go early, you
can really make a whole day of it, and it's terrific.

Speaker 3 (14:34):
Yeah, I don't mind. I think it's actually the whole
commute thing is really easy for me now. Yeah, so
it doesn't bother me at all. Yeah, and it's so
worth it. Also, I wanted sheez. I don't know what's
I have great memory, but my recall lately has been

(14:54):
sucking worse than normal. But it'll come back to me.
Let's go to the bottom of the mine, which is
what do you like about yourself? It's weightlifting for your
self care, self soothing, self love, self mastery, because it, frankly,
my dear, if you can't approve of yourself, how the
fork do you expect anybody else to. So we're gonna
model for you what we'd like you to do before

(15:16):
bed tonight. Instead of thinking about all the things you
did wrong, all the things you didn't get done, or
who done you wrong, we want you to highlight those
things that you like about yourself. And that's what we're
doing now. So I appreciate my ability to roll with

(15:36):
the punches, not all punches, but most punches. I'm able
to kind of just go, oh, well, Oki Dokie, can't
wait to see what good comes out of this.

Speaker 5 (15:48):
I love that I like my ingenuity. After my mom
visited me for my birthday, she wanted to take a
total break and kind of spoil herself a bit. Stayed
at a very nice hotel really Hills, and I went
there and got to use the gym there and it
was wonderful, if not underutilized. So I thought, you know,

(16:08):
they don't offer any kind of they they offer spa
services and stuff, but they don't offer any sort of
personal training. And so I came up with the idea
of going to some of these really high end hotels
to offer my services. Basically just have give them access
to a Google Share calendar that guests can put in,
you know, sessions, and given the high end clientele that

(16:30):
they tend to, I think it's a really great way
to supplement my training income, meet more clients, and be
involved with really high class establishments. And I thought, man,
I should be doing this at all the all the
great spots that are on my way down to my
clients I see on the West Side anyway, So I
am proud that I came up with that idea to
pursue that and do that awesome.

Speaker 3 (16:51):
That's inspired action. And if I can credit you with
using the law of attraction when you're in that high place,
you're going to attract ideas like that and that are
always available. But it's the correct or sorry, useful, more
useful way to look at the law of attraction than

(17:13):
sitting under a boat eye tree and just visualizing on
your vision board what you'd like to have happen and
not acting. So I'm going to use your example just
to give a plug to that's not really the law
of attraction. Law of attraction says there are great ideas
all over the place, but we just have to be
in a good place to get those ideas. So I

(17:35):
would say that you're not worrying about things, not pushing
things coming back and or being on vacation in a
different space attracted you or opened yourself up to allow
great ideas like that.

Speaker 5 (17:51):
And then most importantly what you said is taking action.
I've heard a lot of people say to me when
I've talked to them, especially in the training world, about
building good habits. They say, Oh, I just have to
get my head right and then I can do it.
I said, actually, it's the opposite. And I learned this
through my psychology degree, and you, of course come from
a psychology background as well. And I read a great book.

(18:13):
It was a philosophy course, but it dealt very much
with psychology, and it was called Strangers to Ourselves, A
Guide to the Adaptive unconscious. And since you're subconscious runs
ninety percent of the show. The way to access it
and make it write a new narrative so you're not
acting out from these overly simplistic ideas of scarcity versus abundance,

(18:37):
abandonment versus love and acceptance, etc. Is you change your actions.
And by changing your actions, in other words, fake it
till you make it. So even if you don't feel
like doing it or it's not where your headspace is,
do the thing and that gives your subconscious new data
that it can't ignore. And if you do the new
thing enough, then you're thinking actually catches up because the

(19:01):
narrative that is feeding your conscious mind and brain has
changed through your actions. So, if you're trying to make
a life change in any area of your life, what
this book would tell you to do, and I advocate
for because it certainly worked in my life is just
do it, fake it till you make it, and eventually
the doing will become easier and easier because you're now
operating on that higher wavelength to attract more of the

(19:24):
things that make it intrinsically motivating to keep going down
that path. And you don't have to force yourself to
do it because you're not fighting yourself anymore. You've given
your subconscious new evidence, which creates a new narrative, and
then your thinking is as positive as your actions. But
the thinking comes after the doing, and I think a

(19:44):
lot of people miss that about their own human nature
and how to make progress when they feel stuck.

Speaker 3 (19:51):
I would agree with the just do it gospel according
to Nike. I will qualify though that I am not
a big proponent of fake it till you make it,
because when you do affirmations in the mirror and you
see the evidence of something that is a lie. If
you're going to say something that you don't believe that,
it doesn't do anything, and it may even work against you.

(20:15):
So I think it's a balance. Sometimes it's the mind
that has to change first, Sometimes it's the action that
has to change first. The great thing that we both
agree on is it's never too late to have new
thoughts and behaviors that work for you and not against you.
And certainly, the way I look at subconscious is just habits.

(20:38):
It's something that you're so routine in that you don't
think about it, and it may not be working for
you right.

Speaker 5 (20:46):
So when I say to you to make it, I'm
talking about the behaviors. You certainly don't want to tell
yourself any lies. I don't mean that, okay, but sometimes
certain actions don't feel like they're in your wheelhouse because
you're not in a good headspace. Faking it is basically saying,
despite the headspace you're in, just do the thing, play
the part of the person that you want to become.

(21:09):
And the more and more that you do it, then
you're thinking will change and you'll be in alignment. That's
what I meant by the faking it. You can't tell
yourself any lies. You can even tell yourself I feel
ill equipped to do this thing right now, but I
know it's what I want, it's probably what I need
to do. So just by forcing yourself to do that
thing that you know or really believe will bring you

(21:29):
results can make your thinking change and catch up.

Speaker 3 (21:34):
Yeah. My joke around that is when I wake up
in the morning and my bathing suit looks at me
and says, you better go and do some laps in
this in the pool, and then my sweatpants say, nah,
you're okay, stan In bet So, thank you for joining
us for breakfast this morning. I hope that you continue

(21:56):
this taking a bite of the gratitude sandwich twenty eight
consecutive days. Conscious effort to change and improve, not necessarily
to make you anything in particular, in my book, is
just to feel better, right. It doesn't have to be
a giant, lofty goal that I'm gonna lose whatever pounds

(22:19):
or whatever. Just in every moment of every day is
the thought you're thinking and the activity you're doing feel
good most of the time. So that's my good life
habit and hashtag discipline. I hope you joined me for
breakfast every weekday morning with me here live on my
YouTube TV channel, which then broadcasts and syndicates too. iHeart

(22:40):
Spotify and my NBC News radio channel CASEAA. Thanks for
joining us for breakfast, and now for the topic of
the day. Everything is awesome. James Hawk, co host of

(23:01):
Straight Talk, What are you wanting to talk about today.

Speaker 5 (23:06):
I wanted to talk about to see if we could
maybe identify five keys to building a successful relationship. So
we're talking about past initial dating and getting dates. When
you've been dating somewhat and you think, you know this,
this is someone that I want to invest in, that
I want to try to, you know, build the life

(23:27):
together with, then you decide you want to enter into relationship.
And it also assumes that the other person is on
the same page. So we're not talking about fantasy or compatibility.
We're saying that both parties are on the same page
and want to take that next step. And I was
thinking about this because I've had a few relationships last
about six months, but never anything longer than that. And

(23:50):
I know that I'm also very picky. I'm not a
serial relationship as meaning I'm totally fine being single. And
my belief is that if you're gonna be in relationship
with somebody, they have to elevate your life, you know,
and make everything that you do feel better. And my
metaphor for that is I have a dog. Of my

(24:13):
worst day on a one to ten without the dog
would be a one, but having that dog in my
life like the worst day I can ever have is
a four because they're so loving. There's such a great
presence in my life. And if a dog can do that,
if you find the right partner, I do believe that
they can do that too, and you can also do
that for them. So before I get another five keys
of successful relationship, I wanted to qualify myself both in

(24:36):
terms of my past experience and lack of success in
having one longer than six months, and also my frame
of mind around you know what it would take for
me to want to be in relationship with someone.

Speaker 3 (24:48):
Yeah, well, if I qualify, I will say. People always
ask me because dogs love me. I I I inherited
from my father, where if I walk in a room
and a dog, who normally doesn't go up to anyone,
will come up to me. And so people will say,
why don't you get a dog? Right because you're so
good with dogs and they love you, And I say,
if I got a dog, I would never date again.

(25:10):
So a little contrast to yours, I don't have a dog,
but I know, like you said that I will have
a source of unconditional I call it unconditional dog. We
think we can love unconditionally, but really truly, dogs are
the only thing that can love unconditionally. So if I

(25:31):
do get a dog, James, I don't think I would
be talking about relationships and romance anymore. The need for
it is gone. But no, I think it's a great topic.
And thanks for qualifying James. I don't do any better
than you. My longest relationship outside of my marriage, which
was my sentence, was nine point two years, but who's counting?

(25:54):
And I think it's nine months. That is my longest
relationship as well. So both of us are the blind
leading the blind. However, the name of my show is
take my Advice. I'm not using it, so we are
both qualified to speak to at least our experience. And
I wanted to because did you read my promo? I

(26:16):
thought it was very clever this for this show.

Speaker 5 (26:19):
I saw a little video and I clicked except but
I don't think I.

Speaker 3 (26:22):
Read it says do your relationships keep crashing? Are they
like the old promo for ABC Sports the thrill of
victory and the agony of defeat, with the agony lasting
significantly longer than the thrill. Well, you need a new
set of keys, and that's why we're talking about keys.

(26:44):
Do a successful relationship? All right, so we both qualified.
If you're listening right now and not driving, watching and
not driving, please do put your eight cents worth in
the comments. I see eyeballs in the studios. No, you're listening,
but we would love to pop you up on the
screen with whatever you think or any questions for us,

(27:08):
or anything you want to say. So go ahead, James,
what do you think the number one most important key
to a successful relationship is?

Speaker 5 (27:20):
I'm going to say now, these aren't necessarily in order,
because it depends on the kind of person you are
and the kind of person you're trying to relate with,
and what those needs for each person are, love, languages,
et cetera. But I will say that these are probably
in the top five. I'm going to start with what
I hope to most people is an obvious one. You

(27:41):
have to be able to communicate effectively and lovingly. And
what I mean by effectively is sometimes it takes some
effort to understand another person's language the way that they speak.
Some people are more direct, other people are what I

(28:02):
consider be maybe too polite, But it's hard to knock
somebody for being too polite. Sometimes you have to read
between the lines, so taking the time and effort to
learn about the other person's communication style and you know,
making sure that they understand your communication style, and then
when things get tricky or difficult, you can communicate with

(28:23):
respect and hopefully with effectiveness. And then communicating lovingly to
me means going beyond the Golden rule, which is treating
people the way you want to be treated. Communicating lovingly
means being empathetic and curious enough to understand the way
in which they want to be communicated with. I'm blunt

(28:44):
and direct, and I talk that way with my family
and my closest friends. But I have other friends and
people that have dated that I also love that don't
like that. They might feel like they're being attacked or
they're being given a mandate and all I'm doing is
just putting the moose on the table. But that doesn't
matter that that's me and that's them. If there's someone

(29:06):
that I want to build a relationship with, it's my
job to go to the Platinum rule, treat other people
the way they want to be treated as opposed to
the way you want to be treated. And I think
that the effort it takes to do that is one
hundred percent worth it if you want to build a
loving relationship. So that's one of mine. Maybe we can

(29:26):
go back and forth and I gave one, you can
be like, I agree, I disagree. You can give one
and all be and then I can agree disagree.

Speaker 3 (29:33):
Maybe sounds like a plan. And do I get credit
for that platinum rule? I think I'm the one that
gave that to you.

Speaker 5 (29:42):
No, No, I've been hearing that for a decade.

Speaker 3 (29:45):
I have too. Oh interesting, We probably spill it from somebody.

Speaker 5 (29:48):
Else that somewhere else.

Speaker 3 (29:49):
Yeah, oh interesting, because platinum costs more than gold and
it is one of the things people remember me by.
So so we got we were inspired at the same
time ten years ago, all right. So reacting to that,
I believe that it is very important to communicate because

(30:11):
people cannot read your mind for sure, So I will
just agree with that. The style of communication matching would
help too, because if you have two people who have
very different styles, it does not it's not conducive to harmony.

(30:34):
So I taught this at UCLA Managerial Interpersonal Communication, and
I have my own model of communication of arrows and pillows.
Arrows are direct, like you, straight to the point it's
very important that you understand what I'm saying. So I'm
gonna zing you until you get it. And there's good
news is it's pretty short and sweet, or headlines with

(30:58):
the news. The bad news is there's blood all over
the place because you were so intent on sending it
that you didn't look at the receiver if they're taking
it or not. Pillows, on the other hand, are ones
who really don't want blood around, so they're very very
careful about how they say something. And they might say,

(31:18):
you know, but I'm not always right and most of
the time, well it's not most of the time, and
the message gets lost in all of the clothes, and
the arrow will be sitting there going so there's a
mismatch there. So I haven't seen that hurt a relationship

(31:39):
if there is an understanding and an adjustment to take
that other person's style into account.

Speaker 5 (31:47):
And I agree, I think that that's very doable because
something else I learned through my psychology degree is that,
you know, human behavior is very mimetic, mimelike. We pick
up on the mannerisms of other people naturally, and you know,
are like reptilian brain did that as a survival instinct.
We were hunter gatherers because you know, you wanted to

(32:08):
be accepted by the group, stay with the group as
they moved around, you know, and were nomadic because if
you didn't get along with the group, you were left
behind and died in the wilderness. So on that sary note,
there are we still carry that need with us. And
if you look at you know, a more modern thing
would be looking at fraternities, you know, on the on

(32:31):
the positive side, country club memberships on the wealthy side,
and you know, on the economically socioeconomic disadvantage side, gang mentality.
Why do people join gangs where there's all this violence
and risk of death because they don't feel safe or
protected in their own community. They need to feel sense
of belonging, so they all start getting the same tattoos,

(32:53):
engaging in the same behavior. So we see it in
society today just as we see it back then. It's
a basic human need to belong And because we can
mind each other's behavior, learning someone else's communication style is
not out of our reach. It's it's easy to do,
and it's something that we can, you know, adapt to
for better communication with that person. So in a sense,

(33:16):
it's not being a phony. It's just you know, adding
a way of being to your repertoire. Let me put
it that way.

Speaker 3 (33:25):
Yeah, that's exactly how I do it as a corporate
psychologist when I ask leaders, do you want to be
more effective with a wider group of people? You can
be effective with direct arrows all the time, that's natural,
but do you want to expand your effective zone? So
it's exactly what you just said. All right, let's go

(33:46):
on to the key that so we stay on topic here.

Speaker 5 (33:52):
We talked about clear and effective and loving communication, and
then you added the adaptive communication and adopt adopting another
way of communicating to get along with your partner.

Speaker 3 (34:04):
Okay, that well, I was just reacting to yours. But anyways,
I have a new key and that is something I've
been learning as I've been swiper. No swiping is the
the what is the glue? That there? I was almost
did the should word and should it on it. But

(34:25):
it would be helpful if there was some at least
one thing that is a glue common binder between people
that are in a romantic relationship, the airgo you enjoy

(34:45):
something at least one thing to do together so that
I never realized the importance of that because I've been
so focused on independence and what I like to do
and doing what I like to do and going where
I like to go, that that won't work in a

(35:05):
romantic relationship. If if at every level those things that
you love to do, like I'm a foodie, I love
the deliciousness of life, and that I didn't realize that
that was so important. If I have someone who just
eats to live, I'm a live to eat, that's not
a match, right, So I either that's not a match

(35:29):
for the whole relationship, or we have to have something
else that we love in common, Like if we were
both giant Dodger fans and that's something we would go
and do together and that was a core staple. Or
sailboat racing, which I do, but I'm so competitive there
that I don't think I could race with somebody that

(35:51):
I was in a relationship with. But there has to
be something that binds you. That's I think an important key.
If you're a hiker and I'm allergic to hiking, it
ain't gonna work if you're I mean, you can do
it with your friends, but how much time do you
spend hiking or biking, you know those avid bikers, right
or Harley. You know, if that's core to you, probably

(36:14):
a good idea to find someone who loves it as
much as you do. I think that's an important key.

Speaker 5 (36:19):
I do too, And to be honest, when I look
at my parents' relationship, they didn't share enough common interests
in terms of the sorts of people they wanted in
their orbit, and also in terms of the activities they
like to do together. They had a couple. But the
more you can find, the better, So before you when
you're dating, before you enter into relationship and decide, hey,

(36:41):
let's take the next step. I think discovering those things
that you love to do together are great. And one
way to discover if there doesn't seem to be all
that many at the outset is you know, be open minded,
try try some stuff that they like to do and
see if you like it as well. My friends on
this last trip wanted to play dominoes, and I'm like, dominoes,

(37:02):
Come on. We had like one rainy morning and after
dinner there was really much to do. So I said,
all right, all right, I'll give it a shot. Because
they really wanted to do it, and I really liked
the game. I liked it. I never thought I would.
But having an open mind to new experiences that even
if you don't think you're gonna like them, if this
is someone that's important to you and you like them,
give it a shot because you know you might uncover

(37:25):
a whole bunch of things. So say yes to new
experiences and you can find a lot of those common interests.
So yes, I agree that that is in the top five.
So we have some we have we have two of them.
We have common interests. Yep, I'm going to talk about Okay, hold.

Speaker 3 (37:42):
On one second. We need to take a break for news, weather,
traffic and the sponsor of the show, So we'll be
back in two and two. Don't go away. It used
to be two minutes with Chuck Woolery rest in piece
on the other side, but we're doing piece and piece out.
Don't go await, We'll be right back.

Speaker 5 (38:20):
Well.

Speaker 6 (38:20):
She has been dubbed the Asian Oprah, and she just
wants all of us to be happy.

Speaker 7 (38:32):
Doctor Marissa aka the Asian Oprah says, the most important
thing you can choose is choosing to be happy.

Speaker 3 (38:39):
You are tuned into my weekly talk radio TV show
called take my advice, I'm not using it. Get balanced
with Doctor.

Speaker 2 (38:47):
Marissa, that's the idea.

Speaker 6 (39:00):
Or doctor Marissa Pay's new book call Eight Ways to
Be Happy.

Speaker 3 (39:04):
Many of us say, I am my own worst critic.
Nobody's harder on me than I am. And my response
to that is stop it. Why are you doing that
to yourself? You have to be your biggest fan, because
if you can't, at the end of the day say
I did a good job, who is. We don't have

(39:25):
to constantly be angry at the things that are wrong.
Why don't we choose to be happy about things that
are right. We have the choice. That's our muscle, and
life is so amazing if we can see it.

Speaker 4 (39:56):
Take life with Doctor Maurissa Pay.

Speaker 3 (40:02):
And we're back. You're tended to take my advice, I'm
not using it. Get balanced with Doctor Marissa. The Morning
Show here on CASEAA, NBC News, home to the Asian
OPRAH number one Talk in the Ie, Thank you very much,
and streaming everywhere iHeartRadio, Spotify and of course my YouTube
TV channel where you can watch and listen and get

(40:24):
alert every weekday morning. So free subscribe and give me
the finger. This one, not the other one. And you
will start your day in the most positive way. And
as you can tell from who's in studio today, it
is straight talk with doctor Marissa.

Speaker 5 (40:41):
And James, Authorne.

Speaker 3 (40:44):
And what are we talking about today, James?

Speaker 5 (40:46):
The five successful keys four relationships specifically after you've been
dating and the two of you decide you want to
take it to that next level.

Speaker 3 (40:55):
Awesome. And we've covered two communication and three maybe adaptability
in the communication core and then core uh common interest.
Thank you, Cci, Let's do a third one. Go ahead.

Speaker 5 (41:14):
This is a loaded one, but just to wrap it
up as simply as possible, I would call it authenticity
in relationships in the past, both both romantic and not.
I wanted to be liked and with a little bit
of a you know, people pleaser, So I would find
myself doing and talking, doing things and talking in ways

(41:35):
that maybe he wasn't authentic or true to who I am.
So being authentic doesn't mean that you're not compromising or
learning new communication styles to you know, adapt and adapt
to your partner. It just means being true to yourself
in that process, because it takes a lot of trust

(41:58):
to allow yourself to be fully loved. And on the
negative side, rejected by another person. But if imagine, if
you're going to all this effort to do what you
think the other person wants and you're not being authentic
and you get rejected anyway, well, then where do you
go because you were trying to do everything right and

(42:19):
it didn't work out. So I think it's much more
valuable for an individual's growth to be authentic at all
times and see what people are responding positively and negatively to,
because that's how you grow and get better. And I
think that when you're authentic in every facet of your relationship,
it is fertile ground for closeness in other words, intimacy

(42:42):
and trust and allows you to deepen that love. So
in other words, if you have a people pleasing instinct,
to make sure you're doing it from a genuine place
of love for that other person and not from a
place of fear of them rejecting you. Do you not
liking you enough, or because you feel because you know

(43:05):
inadequate or something. Make surance based in a desire to
do something for them and not in some not because
of some deficiency in you.

Speaker 3 (43:13):
Yeah, that is definitely e loaded. There's like five different
facets I want to react to, and I know I'm
only going to remember one. So so I there's an
underlying BS belief system that there's really only one person
that's going to complete you or you're looking for that
one twin flame, one soulmate one. And that's the thing

(43:36):
that I think gets people into a pickle because they
are looking for that one, right and you want to
be able to match perfectly with that one. So the
first thing I'd like to say is, I don't believe
that that is why we're here on the planet, that
eight billion of us only have one person that we're

(43:58):
supposed to complete with that. I think there are many,
not eight billion people that you could match with, but
certainly at least a million, all right, So they're all
around the world, and your job is to be who
you are. However, James, I will have to point this
point out, is everybody wants someone to love them the

(44:23):
way they are, right. I want to find someone who
loves me warts and all, good, bad and ugly. And
it's good for you to say that and want that
not you, but I mean people will say that's what
I want when they come to me for relationship coaching.
Most of the time, the woman will say I want
him to love me for who I am right, good, bad,

(44:47):
and ugly, and then they'll turn around and say, I
don't like this about them, I don't like this about them,
I don't like this one. So you can't have that.
But you can't eighty eight percent, I use eighty percent.
If you're happy with the way they are eighty percent
of the time, that's golden. If you're happy with yourself

(45:09):
eighty percent of the time, first, that's the work to
be done, because if you don't like yourself eighty percent
of the time, then that's the work, not necessarily to
change yourself, but to recognize that you're not perfect. You've
got I'm eighty eight percent fabulous and twelve percent of
the time I suck and I step in it, and

(45:30):
I'm okay with that because I know I'm not perfect.
I'm a recovering perfectionist. At the same time, can you
accept and love eighty percent of that person exactly as
they are? And if you can't, you're not bad. They're
not bad. It's just not a match. So that's so

(45:52):
important to me because our society doesn't allow for that.
If you start dating someone and it doesn't work out
what happened. Oh, I should have seen the red flags,
and oh they aren't who they said they were. And
oh and it's their fault, their fault, their fault, right,
or I'm not good enough, my fault, my fault, my fault.
It's nobody's fault. It's just not a match. Can we

(46:16):
just you know, it's not a match. I wish you well, right,
I wish me well, but it's just not a match.
Why do we feel like we have to condemn someone else.
That's all dating is. It's just a dance to see
if you match.

Speaker 5 (46:32):
I think a lot of it comes to the fact that,
you know, we're receiving so much information and to just
get through our day and not be paralyzed in thought
and analysis. We tend to make things black and white,
and we need to know that we do that, and
that's in our human nature because when we catch ourselves
doing that, we have to say, hold on a minute.
This deserves a little more of reflection, thought, introspection, and

(46:54):
a lot of it is grey. And I'll tell you
exactly how this relates back to authentics. I think it's
important to recognize that we are all pieces of work,
and works in progress. And if we can acknowledge that
about ourselves, it let's us love ourselves. It also let's
us communicate to the other person. I know I'm not perfect,

(47:16):
but I'm working on it. And it gives us the
ability to give our partner grace and say, yeah, they're
a piece of work, but I like eighty percent of it,
and I know that they're working on the other stuff
that you know that's important to them. And so giving
people that grace, you know, which lives in the gray area,
I think is important. Yeah. Absolutely so, I think that's

(47:39):
a part of that authenticity piece.

Speaker 3 (47:41):
Yeah. And as my friend who I got to interview,
Don Miguel Rui's best selling author of the Four Agreements,
has a book that I use as my relationship playbook
called The Mastery of Love, and it says, if you
want a dog, don't buy a cat. So in the

(48:02):
acceptance and grace, there are certain things. If you know
that you love to travel, and you know that that
person is a couch potato and they've always been that way,
don't date towards a relationship because that is not going
to change. And why put yourself through such a tangle

(48:25):
of hoping that they love you enough to want to
travel with you, it's got nothing to do with you.
That's their preference. Let them have their preference. I don't
advocate being in a relationship where you're constantly trying to
help them improve in any direction. Let them live their

(48:48):
life the way they want to live it. It cannot
be fun having you nagging all the time. That's not
on them, that's on you. Let them find someone who
loves them for who they are. Eighty percent of the time,
you go somewhere and find someone who naturally meets you
at least seventy percent of the time.

Speaker 5 (49:10):
Yeah, you have to do that deep dive on compatibility,
you know before you enter into the relationship, or sometimes
you know you miss it and you don't know until
you've taken that next step and maybe you move in
together and six months into it you're like, yeah, no,
it really isn't working despite what I thought, And that's okay.
Calling it quits is okay if you're not happy eight

(49:32):
percent of the time and it's not working, So you know,
I think always being honest, and this is different than
on authenticity, but it ties back to it being honest
about the compatibility. I think is really important. And I
think from authenticity we may have established a fourth key,
which is constantly reflecting on you know, compatibility and where

(49:55):
you're at, you know, with that is it an opportunity
rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater, to
go back to one of the other keys and find
common interests. So before you say no, we're not compatible,
well maybe it's time to work a little harder on
finding common interests. Right, So all of these things don't exist.
They're kind of like the Olympic rings, the five Olympic rings.

(50:17):
They all intersect with each other. I feel like these
five keys are like the Olympic Rings in that way.
The last piece of authenticity that you brought up is
if you don't love eighty percent of yourself, maybe you're
not ready to go into that relationship. Because if you
authentically don't like yourself, how can you expect anybody to

(50:40):
like you back? So you got to do that work
on yourself so that the authentic person you're bringing forward
is somebody that's capable and ready to be a good partner.

Speaker 3 (50:49):
In relationshs absolutely, And that's why you know the law
of attraction for me is so strong. As you're attracting
who you have in your life. So if you are
not liking who you're attracting, you got to look at yourself.
Why am I continuing to attract the same kind of
person that's coming from me? I have to take responsibility

(51:09):
for that. Leo is in the Cashew gallery. Humans are
not as trainable as dog's haha. The search continues. Absolutely,
That is my point and why I don't have a dog.
But thanks for joining us, Leo. I'm going to add
to what you were saying James on what one of

(51:31):
the keys is. And I like that analogy of the
Olympic Rings is expectations because that's what I was talking
about earlier, the expectations you have about how many people
you're going to be able to match with how long
it's supposed to be. And I think our society says

(51:52):
till death to us part, which I think is a
horrible way to put it. It's like, why would I
even want to do that? It's like morbid. But the
expectation that society and religion will put on relationships is
that if you don't, if you get a divorce, you're evil, wrong,
going to hell. If you are bad, I mean if

(52:13):
you don't have a relationship last longer than whatever months
it is, it's a failure. And I want to challenge
that expectation. I call it my Book of Romance. And
each chapter is a good chapter. If there was a
match and you went out more than one date, that
was a relationship you were working towards. Really, let's see

(52:35):
it lasts yours six months, that's a chapter. It wasn't
a failed relationship. It was a six month relationship where
you learned a lot about yourself, a lot about another person,
and a lot about what you like and don't like.
And this, again is the law of attraction. Is that
the most valuable piece of learning from every chapter is

(52:57):
every time you say I don't like this, it sends
out a rocket of desire for someone who will show
something that you like. And your job is not to
keep beaching and moaning about what was missing in that person,
but to put yourself in a space that allows someone
to come in who has those things. Because if you

(53:20):
keep blaming and shaming and turn towards what you didn't like,
then guess what you're going to get another guy with
all the things that you don't like or gal. So
my work is it wasn't a match. It was a
short chapter, and now I'm going to focus on what

(53:40):
I like, not what I don't like, but what I like.

Speaker 5 (53:45):
I think the key word that you said there was expectations,
and I think it's important to check those expectations. I
think it's more important to emphasize experience. So I don't
believe in speaking in absolutes, but pplistic way to say
it is expect nothing, experience everything, which means just be
open and see how things are feeling as you're dating

(54:08):
and going through it together. And make sure that your
artificial bs belief systems aren't dragging behind you like an
albatross into that relationship. So I think that also ties
into the authenticity. Put an authentic product on the table,
make sure you've cleared the crapola off your plate. You
know of artificial belief systems and expectations that aren't going

(54:32):
to serve you so so far. The fourth things we've
talked about are require some heavy lifting, I mean communication.
It takes work, and I think it's the reason why
most relationships fail. Common interest requires some compromise and some
open mindedness to try things the other partner. You know, loves.
Then we talked about authenticity. That is a lot of

(54:55):
self work coming into relationships. So what was the fourth one?

Speaker 3 (54:59):
We had expectations? Did you do that one? Already expectations
the band.

Speaker 5 (55:06):
Those expectations I think is really important. I'm gonna offer
a fifth one and see if you agree.

Speaker 3 (55:11):
Okay, and we're running out of time, so this is
your final word.

Speaker 5 (55:14):
Yes, My final word is all that other stuff is heavy.
It takes some work. So for the fifth one, I'm
going to encourage us all not to be childish, but
to be childlike. And what that means is in your relationship,
find the novelty, find the new adventures, and then find
the fun. And also, don't be afraid to be silly.

(55:35):
Make each other laugh. Life is serious, the news is serious.
Find reasons to laugh and have fun. Play, play a
practical joke on your partner, you know, be silly because
a lot of love comes through laughter. So after doing
all the heavy work on the first flour, don't forget
to be childlike. Life makes us adult enough.

Speaker 3 (55:57):
Absolutely, I agree. Look at that we came with five
very important keys to a successful relationship. My final word is,
you know, look balance, I will say expectations and you

(56:17):
said no expectations. I will say, focus on desire. You
can still have desire. I think it's important to set
an intention of what you're looking for without the expectations.
So that for me like makes yes.

Speaker 5 (56:31):
Yes, that's a good distinction. I like that very much.

Speaker 3 (56:35):
Awesome, and that's it. We had a blast, hopefully you
did two. Now we both have to practice what we
teach and continue to I did go on date number
first date number twenty three yesterday or no thirty Wait wait, anyways,
it doesn't matter. My counter's broken. But yeah, we'll keep that.

Speaker 5 (57:03):
We hold ourselves accountable in coming shows to talk about
whether we are are doing good, doing well with communication,
common interest, authenticity, expectation and.

Speaker 3 (57:15):
Being desire fun fun, yeah, fun, fun, awesome. Thank you
so much, James as usual, best co host today A
for straight talk and remember it's all about balance, peace
in peace, out world, peace through inner piece. James, take

(57:37):
us out.

Speaker 8 (57:38):
Have the best weekend ever.

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