September 1, 2025 • 60 mins
KCAA: Get Balanced with Dr. Marissa on Mon, 1 Sep, 2025
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
To more than just the time of day. Jump off
that exhausting amster wheel and into balance. Living with Doctor
Marissa from Miss Joy. The Doctor Marissa, also known as
the Asian Oprah. Her mission to be a beneficial presence
(00:20):
on the planet, her purpose to be your personal advocate,
to live, lap love, learn her life motto, don't die wondering.
Take back your life with Doctor Maurica Pey.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
And welcome you're too take my advice, I'm not using it.
Get balance with Doctor Marissa. The Morning Show here on
casey AA, NBC News, CNBC News and NBC Sports Radio
station AM ten fifty FM one oh six point five,
home to the Asian Oprah, streaming everywhere in the ie.
(01:00):
Thank you very much. iHeartRadio, Spotify and Let's see iTunes, Tunent,
in Audible, Amazon Music, tikilib Rumbo, Podchaser, Streaker, Spreaker and more.
Why so many places as well. I'm on a happy
eighty eight mission eighty eight million more happy people in
the next eight years, So I have topics and guests
(01:23):
to that end. I balance out all the bad news
out there with some good news. So if you're looking
for the headlines, you're not going to get them here,
we're not talking about all those extremely negative things going on. Yes,
I know they are the truth and they are important. However,
the world is still you know, planetsd and crash into
(01:45):
each other last night. We have systems and checks and balances,
and a lot of what you think is the truth
is just a thought that you keep thinking. And of course,
Abraham Higgs lot of attraction. And I want us to
focus on things that make us feel better, not worse.
(02:07):
That's what we're always focused on here on this show.
So thanks for joining me. It is consecutive week number
six hundred and eighty eight. I'm going to give myself
a little applause for that one, of course, because eight
(02:27):
is a lucky number in Chinese. It's a homophone for
good fortune. So we've got double good fortune and consecutive weeks,
and that's a you know, I know you thought I
was Swedish when I'm actually Chinese, and I have come
full circle to valuing those Chinese roots. And let's see,
(02:51):
let's start with breakfast, because you know that's the drill.
Let's take a bite of my gratitude sandwich. Those of
you who are new here, I see eyeballs rolling thank
you so much for joining me every weekday morning. Since COVID,
I was asked to go from once a week to
(03:11):
every weekday morning. So now I am asking you to
join me for breakfast every weekday morning at nine Pacific
twelve naturally high noon Eastern time, where I am broadcasting
live from oh Can my country that I was born
(03:32):
in and returned to to produce. And I wouldn't say direct, well,
maybe my celebration of life service for my mom last Saturday.
Today is Monday, so two days ago. So I am
(03:53):
grateful top of the bun things that we're grateful for
outside of ourselves, bottom of the bun things who are
grateful for side of ourselves, otherwise known as appreciation. So
I'll start the gratitudes with I am grateful that the
service for my mother, my ninety year young Rose pay
(04:14):
Chinese mom, who passed a month ago, and she had
a beautiful service. It wasn't perfect, because you know, nothing is,
but I had more than one person say that my
(04:36):
mother would have been happy, which is always good for
those who knew my mom. And also one of the
senior people who work at the funeral the chapel said
that it was a really really good service, and he
would know because he sees all of them, so that
(04:57):
was a very nice compliment. So I am grateful that
I got to come back here and honor the legacy
of my mom and people ask for the eulogy speech,
which is also a compliment. And for those of you
who've been on my social thank you so much for
(05:18):
the support I posted up the video montage of my
Chinese mom. Those of you who saw the montage of
my bonus mom, so Lauris Martin, were also very appreciative,
and for that I am grateful. I could have another
(05:40):
job if I wanted it, but I'm grateful that those
who came to honor her was wonderful seeing all the
lives that she has touched. My mother was a force
of nature, and I am most grateful for the visit
I had in April, where it wasn't closure, it was
an opening and I had a beautiful time with her
(06:05):
healing and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that
she loved me in the only and best way that
she could, and that you know, it was a really
beautiful completion for me and the I don't want to
(06:26):
call it radical forgiveness. I'm in the process of putting
all of this together in a screenplay called Life by
a Thousand Cuts. But as well, I think there's a
lot to be said about forgiveness in a way that
(06:47):
allows everyone to have grace, including yourself. So graceful forgiveness. Ooh,
I like that. I like that. I've been waiting for
a a term for that, And I think I like
that graceful forgiveness giving grace to others and ourselves so
(07:07):
that we're not in pain anymore. And that is our
topic today, which is lingering pain, so that falls right
in line with that. But I don't want to get
to the topic before we finish breakfast. What else am
I grateful for? I'm grateful for coming back and enjoying
(07:28):
the country and place of my birth, reconnecting with friends,
reconnected with my elementary school child, childhood school friend and
friend Karen or Carr. We were called Carr and Mark,
and she invited me. I'll be going this weekend to
(07:49):
her place up in handover her cottage on the lake.
I am grateful that I get to see her mom,
who I grew up with as well. I am grateful
for my beautiful family. I've got pay family, ling family,
Tao family, so many nieces, nephews, great nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles,
(08:15):
and that is a beautiful thing to come home to
bask in family love. I'm grateful that I get to
do stand up again. I did a tour comedy tour
here the last time I was here. It's going to
be fun to repeat that. New places, old laces. I
am grateful that I get to stay at a beautiful home,
(08:39):
my brother Daniel's beautiful home, and use of his jeep,
even though it has no air conditioning. He was going
to sell it, but he knewhere I was coming, so
I get to have some wheels. I'm grateful that my
daughter's got to come for the service and I got
(08:59):
to spend a little time with them. I'm grateful that
a lot of people have reached out to support and
feel for me and find out how I'm doing, and
for that I'm truly grateful as well. So that's the
top of the bun. The bottom of the bun, which
is what do you like about yourself? I would like
(09:20):
you to do this at the end of the day,
when you're about to go to bed instead of thinking
about all the things that you didn't get done, who
done me wrong? Which is why we can't sleep at night.
I would like you to focus on what you like
about yourself because, frankly, my dear, if you can't approve
(09:40):
of yourself, how the fork do you expect anyone else
to approve of you. So this is the weight training
portion of the show, where we isolate things that you
absolutely like about yourself and undo or replace those habits
that we have to be our own worst well meaning
(10:02):
parents who are more me than well I would say
things like, don't toot your own homemorn or who do
you think you are? You're not all that. That may
have been well meaning, but it has created many, many
people who have antennae that they walk around looking for
(10:22):
who likes me? And on social media literally who likes me?
And I don't want you to do that. Instead, I
want you to know what you're good at, that you're
eighty eight percent fabulous and twelve percent of the time
you're human and you step in it. But to focus
on that eighty eight percent positive. So I appreciate that
(10:45):
I am resilient and that no matter what, blood clots
to blood clots, a grounded world tour, people that I
love passing. I haven't lost them, but they are no
longer in physical form. That those are just the recent
(11:11):
things that provided some conditions for me that I was
it was okay to be sad and mad and not
happy about But wow, I heard the about in that.
People will say that I don't sound like I'm from
Canada until I come back to Canada and all of
a sudden, I've got all the little Canadian pronunciations that
(11:36):
I'm hearing myself. I appreciate that I can bounce back,
not bounce back, but I can process. I think it's
important to process through conditions that are not happy making
and then get to the place where you can choose
happiness eighty eight percent of the time. I appreciate my
(11:58):
ability to laugh at myself often and much, and that
stand up is certainly helping me sharpen that bone, my
funny bone. When I'm doing stand up and also doing
the show, I love finding reasons to laugh out loud.
It is my favorite sound in the world in life.
(12:22):
All right, that's it for the bottom of the button.
I hope that you join me every weekday morning as
we go through this good life habit hashtag discipline and
it is completely free way to feel better. And I
promise that if you do this good life habit for
(12:45):
thirty consecutive days, twenty eight the research said used to
say twenty one, So you know I'm going to just
start saying thirty days. To make sure and join me
every weekday morning here to do this live on my
YouTube TV channel live eighty eight percent at the time,
actually more like ninety eight percent at the time. But
I promise you if you have breakfast with me and
(13:09):
free subscribe to my YouTube TV channel, you'll get an
alert to come join me live that you will sandwich
your day in the most positive way. Thanks for joining
me for breakfast.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
And now for the topic of the day.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
I forgot my belt, so that is the announcer for
the top of the day. It is my co host
Wednesday's favorite sound on the funny Board. So the topic
of the day is how do you get rid of
lingering pain from your past? It is a question that
(14:03):
was asked of me when I was on this fabulous
TV show not that long ago named the Macord List.
Rachel was the host, I was on the hot seat
and one of the questions she asked me was a
lot of people are challenged or struggling to get passed
(14:28):
or resolve or get through lingering pain from the past.
So that is the topic for today's hashtag mental Health
Monday Matters because or mental health Matters Mondays, because it
is Monday Monday. And that's how I like to start
(14:52):
every week with this. And as a reminder, because you're
here on Monday, you you get an audiobook copy and
I actually narrated the entire book, so you'll hear me
in your ear wherever you are listening to the podcast
(15:13):
or sorry, listening to the audio book. And it's a
twenty dollars value. So all you need to do is
go to my website which has showing up here. Just
google Asian Oprah or doctor Marissa and you will get
this particular audio book as my Asian Oprah giveaway every
Monday when we do mental Health Matters Mondays. All right,
(15:36):
so that's the question, And as per usual, on the
first half of the show, I keep it real and
I put the moose on the table, which is my
Canadian version of talking about the elephant in the room,
about the situation. I won't say, it's a problem, but
it is a situation that many people have coming in
(16:00):
to life. After you come in as a clean slate,
they say, when I teach the balance tichi going, the
moving meditation that promotes inner piece one breath at a time,
the polishing table form highlights that you are born with
that clean table. Kids, they don't. They're not depressed, even
(16:26):
though they cry when they are clearing their lungs, when
they get smacked so that they are breathing fully. They
come in clean. We don't. We're not born with unhappiness.
We're not born with anger. We're not born with any
of the negative emotions. We are naturally high. We love playing,
(16:55):
we love fun, we love people around us, we love things,
we love ourselves. And it isn't until I would say,
for my research, doing career days or doing what do
(17:16):
they call them, when you you know, you volunteer in
school as a parent. To early on, I started in
you know, co op preschool and watching children naturally be
happy and they don't really show the voice in the
head until age It used to be ten to eleven.
(17:38):
I think it's more like seven eight now, maybe even
six where they say I'm not as smart as a person.
I'm not as pretty as that person, I'm not as
I don't have as much as that person, and that
critical voice that begins to separate us from ourselves and
(17:59):
we begin to lose use the faith and grace in
who we are at that age. And then depending on
who is your primary role taker giver, if they are
mean themselves and for whatever reason want to bring you
down or put you in your place, then that voice
(18:21):
becomes even louder. You're not worthy, You're not good enough.
Who do you think you are? So that that pain
from your past can linger, especially if you don't deal
with it early and you shove it down. Oh, pull
(18:44):
yourself up by your bootstraps. Don't feel sorry for yourself.
Everybody is discriminated against at some point. You know, don't
don't dwell, don't linger, don't address. And we have learned
in our field of psychology that you do not deal with,
(19:05):
we'll come back and deal with you. So that's one
way to stop the healing process from pain, making it lingering.
The other way is to over deal with that pain
from the past and marinade in it, and therefore it
will become lingering as well. So for the next let's see,
(19:32):
we've got eleven minutes left in the first half, I'm
going to put the moose on the table and talk
about all the ways in which I have had clients
who've come in with lingering pain. Maybe you, if you're
here to chat, please do not while you're driving on
the am FM channel. We are on KCAA, the station
(19:56):
that leaves no listener behind NBC News Radio, the station. Oh.
I said that during the little station, I'd sneaking that
in there, but I don't want you to write it
in the chat when you're driving. But when you get
somewhere safe, do that on my YouTube TV channel or
where I love streaming on LinkedIn Facebook and you do,
(20:22):
all right? So how what kinds of pain lingers get
your heart broken? I have one stands out in particular
at a client who was forty three, I believe at
the time, and was still feeling and suffering from the
(20:46):
lingering pain of a heart broken first love. And I asked,
how old are you and he said at the time
I was I think eighteen. That's a long time to
have lingering pain from a heartbreak. So that is probably
one of the top three when people talk about lingering
(21:07):
pain from heartbreak. Someone broke their heart in a romantic relationship.
Betrayal is another one of the top lingering pain. They
fell in love, maybe it wasn't their first love, and
that person cheated on them, and that is a lingering
(21:32):
pain for many, many people. Another one is abuse, So
someone primary in their lives mother, father, caretaker, older sibling, cousin, grandparent, teacher, coach,
(21:56):
they were abused, priest, were abused by someone who really
shouldn't have done that, because you're supposed to have caretakers
who protect you, not hurt you. So there's lingering pain,
(22:18):
whether it was physical, mental, emotional, sexual. I'm not doing
a comparison of abuse here. Abuse certainly of some kinds
are are I would say they cut deeper, all right,
(22:39):
But I want to stay away from that comparison of abuse,
which doesn't get us anywhere. If you feel that you
have lingering pain from something that was done to you,
that pain felt is that pain felt, So that is
(23:03):
also one of the big categories of lingering pain. So
abuse from someone who shouldn't have well, nobody should abuse anyone,
but it happens, and it happens way more than we
want to give credence to seven out of ten is
(23:25):
the national statistic. My honorable Moniker Oprah said eight out
of ten have gone through childhood trauma, and some psychologists
today say ninety three to ninety four percent a lot
of people. So the fact that we're not we haven't
(23:45):
really talked about it until most recently, again because of
my honorable Moniker, I believe Oprah opened that conversation to
talk about mental health in a acceptable way that we're
now really looking at it, which is why I wanted
to do this series. Now caveat, I am not a
clinical psychologist. I did not want to be a clinical psychologist. However,
(24:09):
I am an organizational psychologist who deals with full body,
my body, mind, spiritual as well as a happiness coach
for almost three decades. So I'm speaking from my professional
experience that way, but I don't want to. I'm not
a medical doctor and I'm not a psychologist clinically. Okay, However,
(24:35):
I am happy that a lot of people have benefited
by the words that I speak on your behalf to
help heal, and I'm really really grateful that I have this,
which you can get a free audiobook copy of to
(24:55):
It's like self help on steroids, So there's exercises in
here to work through that pain. So we're going through
the categories of lingering pain. We've talked about heartbrokenness, betrayal,
and abuse. Okay, I would say those are the top
three categories that at least I come across, or you
(25:18):
see people dealing with in therapy or numbing themselves with
our memories of that. So up there also is financial
loss being extortion or stolen or the what's that word
(25:41):
I'm thinking of or my guest when Bernie made off
with her ten million dollars Jenine Roth, as well as
the false identity thing where everything's gone or you're tricked
into giving away money, uh that you you worked hard for.
(26:03):
So there's that kind of financial loss that's uh, that's
lingering pain to h as well as you know our fires,
my friend Harlan, my favorite publicist who lost his home
in Altadena. You know, loss from that kind that can
(26:24):
be lingering pain. So I think those are some of
the top. If you think there are other categories that
I haven't covered, please do put them in the chat.
But this is the first half of the show where
we are addressing and being aware of those normal natural
(26:45):
things that will lead you to pain, and that pain
not processed, not healed, not uh, it's the word I
want to not not band aiated, but not cleaned up,
not disinfected, and allowed to mestasticize. I know I said
(27:13):
that wrong. Would I've not had to have that in
my vocabulary. I let's see, if you don't treat the wound,
that's the word I was thinking about then that that
wound will be become infected. So that's what we don't
(27:36):
want to do. But we want to address that wound.
We want to address the pain so that it does
not linger beyond twelve percent, so eighty eight percent of
the time. I don't want your pain to linger and
(27:57):
to spew its painfulness into your present, in your future.
And that is the top of the day. So I
think we have looked at all of the major categories.
I see eyeballs rolling in. If you have any more,
please put them in the cashing gallery chat. But we're
(28:21):
going to take a quick break for news, weather, traffic,
and we're from our sponsor. When we come back, we're
going to talk about how to rid ourselves or how
to address and treat lingering pain. So that it is
not quite so lingering and affecting our ability to be happy.
Speaker 4 (28:43):
Eighty eight percent of the time. We'll be right back.
Don't go away for more. Take my advice, I'm not
using a kip. Balance with Doctor Marisa. That morning show
here on KCAA, NBC News Radio an ten.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Fifty FM one O six point five and streaming everywhere.
We'll be right.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
Take Back your Life with Doctor Mauricica pey Well.
Speaker 5 (29:26):
She has been dubbed the Asian Oprah and she just
wants all of us to be happy.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Doctor Marissa, aka the Asian Oprah says, the.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
Most important thing you can choose is choosing to be happy.
Speaker 6 (29:45):
You are tuned into my weekly talk radio TV show
called Take My Advice, I'm not using it. Get balance
with Doctor Marissa.
Speaker 5 (30:05):
That's the idea for it. Doctor Marissa Pay's new book
call Eight Ways to Be Happy.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
Many of us say I am my own worst critic.
Nobody's harder on me than I am. And my response
to that is stop it. Why are you doing that
to yourself?
Speaker 7 (30:23):
You have to be your biggest fan, because if you can't,
at the end of the day say I did a
good job, who is we don't have to constantly be
angry at the things that are wrong.
Speaker 8 (30:34):
Why don't we choose to.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
Be happy about things that are right. We have the choice.
Speaker 8 (30:39):
That's our muscle, and life is so amazing if we
can see it.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
Take Back your Life with Doctor Maurice Pey.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
And welcome back you to take my advice, I'm not
using it. Get balance with Doctor Riisa The Morning Show
here on KCAA NBC New CNBC News, NBC Sports radio
station AMM fifty FM one oh six point three.
Speaker 9 (31:26):
And streaming everywhere iHeartRadio, Spotify and of course my YouTube
TV channel where if you free subscribe, you will get
an alert every weekday morning.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
To tune in to the show about hope and happiness.
And it is Mondy Monday, which means it's mental health
Matters Mondays, and we're talking about we're actually answering the
question how do you get rid of lingering pain? And
(32:01):
it's a question that came up in my interview. While
I was being interviewed, I was on the hot seat
for a change with Rachel mccorg. She's got a beautiful
talk show that I got to be on set for,
and I put that on the promo yesterday. If you're
not following me, not because I want you to follow
(32:22):
me for numbers. I want you to follow me because
you know that I'm not going to be angry political
rhetoric complaining, but instead I want you to feel better
about life and to claim your birthright to happiness eighty
(32:43):
eight percent of the time, so doc balance on Instagram,
doctor Marsa, everywhere else. So I am. I realized that
I did not post my story for the today, and
I will do that right now. And it is mental
(33:07):
health Monday Matters. And just a reminder of the asient
of forgiveaway is an audiobook copy of my number one
Amazon and national bestseller. So that's worth twenty dollars. I
know that's not a car yet for Asian or forgiveaway,
but it's something and I hope you do enjoy it.
(33:30):
Shout out to Valerie Heath, who runs this wonderful Heaving
an Earth Oasis fundraiser for veterans in November. I will
be the MC this year. She just let me know
that she bought a copy off of Amazon, so I'm
going to send her a free audiobook copy for doing so.
(33:50):
So you can always let me know that and I
will do that as well. All right, topic of the day,
how do you get rid of lingering pain? It is
the second half of the show, so we're going to
go into solution to recap the problem or the situation
or the challenge. We want relief from lingering pain, from betrayal,
(34:13):
from heartbreak, from abuse, from financial loss or any kind
of loss. I think losing people too. I think I
did not mention that one. So death, certainly that is
close to me right now. I just did the service
(34:35):
for my mother at Rose Pay at ninety and that
was Saturday, so very recent. So I don't want to
have lingering pain for anyone who has passed, because there's
a lot of people who passed in my life, and
if I have lingering pain for all of them, I
(34:55):
am squeezing out any ability to be happy. It's not
certainly not eighty eight percent happy. So my first suggestion
or recommendation for lingering pain is if you have not
really felt fully all of the emotions that that particular
(35:27):
event happenings impacted in your life, that can give it
a lingering for a long time. I mentioned before the break,
what you do not deal with will deal with you
and Unfortunately for many people, they are told, don't cry,
(35:52):
pull yourself up with your bootstraps. It's in the past,
you can't change it. Just forget about it, or just
stuff it down or don't talk about it. And my
most horrific example of this, to sort of anchor the
(36:12):
worst case scenario, I had a client when I was
working with UCLA and the tea groups. The kind of
came out of Esslon that time. It was twenty years ago.
I want to say maybe more thirty years ago. I
used oil of LA, but thirty years ago I was
(36:34):
on faculty for that. And I had a client in
the group who had never ever processed through walking in
on his father shooting himself. And the worst part was
not that as a nine year old. The worst part
was he was told do not ever talk about this ever,
(36:57):
so he didn't talk about it and to been safe
for stuffing that down. He was an overachiever and he
did very well until it came to the surface. And
when it came to the surface, it was not it
(37:17):
was more than lingering. It was a shock day system body, mind, spirit, soul,
and so so grateful that it was the perfect time
in this session that he was supported and was allowed.
(37:37):
The group helped him. Its tea group is one of
the ways in which we can support each other and
it's a safe place with which to heal. And so
that tea group was able to help him immensely in
processing through that pain. And it was a lot of pain.
And if you have if you were in situation similar
(38:01):
to his, where there has been something traumatic in your
past and you have not been able to sit with
that pain because you think, and I use this example
because I was in the same boat where you don't
want to deal with the pain because you think, like
humpty dumpty, if you go and into that dark hole
(38:21):
that many of us have in front of us. You
know the hole, right, You know that pain, and you
just don't want to go in there because you think
you'll never stop crying, You'll you'll lose your mind, you're
going to end up with a fifty one fifty in
a psyche ward because you just don't trust that you'll
ever be able to feel okay again. It's okay. I
(38:43):
get that I was there. I know that that feeling
is very, very scary. I'm not saying that you don't
need professional help for that. You know, the deeper the pain.
I would say that there are many ways in which
to work with that pain, and that the caveat is
(39:05):
you don't need to spend ten years processing through that pain.
You don't need to revisit that pain ten times a
day or even ten times a month. That's what lingering
pain is. If you had not addressed that pass pain
in a safe and thorough way, it will linger right.
(39:29):
I am a big proponent of feeling your feelings fully
and then being able to go past the pain into power.
But if you don't go into the pain, you're not
going to get to the power. If you try to
skip through or shallow, you know you're not. So what
(39:51):
I do through the book and in my practice is
hold your hand and you walk into the valley of pain.
You go where you think that you cannot get out,
But I promise you there is a bottom. You're not
humpty dumpty, you will be. In fact, you're not broken.
You don't fall into a place where you break wide
(40:13):
open and are scattered. All you do is you go
and you find out that there is a bottom to
the pain, that you can feel it. You're not going
to die from it. You don't need to numb it.
You really, really can feel pain fully and come out
(40:34):
of it all right. And that's why I'm not a
huge fan of things that mask your pain. I'm not
a huge fan of anything that can numb your pain
or temporarily band aid over the pain, because it will
come back. And so it's a skill. This is a
(40:56):
skill to be able to hold yourself. Certainly, use someone
to help you with this. Best friends are great, loving,
unconditionally loving or close to unconditional loving. Family members are
great who can hold your hand and help you find
(41:20):
the bottom of that way. And the bottom of that
pain is where you just can't cry anymore, like you've
just exhausted yourself, but you've also allowed yourself to fully
cry without apologizing for crying. I'm a huge don't you
dare apologize for crying because tears are the disinfect They
(41:43):
keep your heart soft. And I love it when people
cry on my show. I love it when people cry
when I'm coaching them because I know their hearts are
open and they are healing. Okay, so if you don't
like crying, you're going to have a little difficult time
for this. I go to a sad movie, I try
(42:04):
to cry once a week because I know it keeps
my heart soft and I know it validates the fact
that I am human, and the beautiful part of human
we can feel. And here's another commercial feeling. If you
try to cut out your tears and not feel pain
and not feel sadness, ever, you're also going to limit
(42:27):
your ability to feel excitement and joy and exhilaration because
emotions are like a dumb waiter. They close like this.
So if you're okay all the time, you're not going
to have highs and lows because you want to be
even keel. Well, that's a horrible way to live. I
want to feel the pain because I know the equal
(42:52):
is the joy. I want to feel the sadness because
I know that is satisfaction and happiness is the upside
of that. So my ability to feel all my feelings
allows me to open wide that door of expression and
creativity and innovation and even a pleasure. Okay, I won't
(43:17):
say the G word. It's Monday, not Friday, so but
I want all of us to Happiness is a high
feeling that is the correlated feeling of sadness. So you
cannot feel really happy if you don't know how to
(43:38):
feel really sad, and that, my friends, is not drama queen,
not instability, not going postal. Sorry, but that is expression.
A lot of people understand. I'm not saying that we
want to be unstable, but I do want us to
really feel the breadth and the depth and the width
(44:02):
and the height and the multi dimensional, beautiful side of
feeling alive. That's what the feelings are about. That's what
it's for. So we feel and celebrate life with our feelings.
And if you are only feeling okay, or if I'm
only feeling I'm fine, fine stands for ft UP, irrational, neurotic,
(44:29):
and emotional. I don't want to feel fine. Ever. I
also when people ask how you're doing, I don't want
you to say I'm fine, But I also don't want
you to say, oh, let me tell you how I'm
feeling and go into this whole you know, vomiting TMI.
(44:51):
That's for closed mouth few friends. If you can count
closed mouth friends on three of your fingers, that's good. Too,
is better because unless you repeat it, the better one
is great. If you don't have anyone in your life
that you can talk about how you're feeling, I have
(45:11):
a best friend. It's called my keyboard, and I will
type out how I'm feeling, or I'll use my very
smartphone and I will use voice dictation, and I won't
hit send email or I won't hit send text. I'll
put it in my note section that is locked, so
(45:33):
that I can fully express what I'm feeling with the
words that I can use. But I'm not going to
have to apologize later. I'm not going to have to
be afraid someone's going to use it to extort some
private things from me. So you can feel fully with yourself,
(45:54):
or with a good friend, or with a relative, or
a priest who or a psychologist or a therapist. There's
plenty of people. But the most important thing is that
you feel fully all those feelings that came with that pain,
(46:15):
so that pain doesn't linger. Once you have fully felt
and expressed and allowed yourself to go into that big
black hole in front and find the bottom, you're going
to find the seed of who you are. And we
are all loving, lovable, loved, one of a kind, wonderful
(46:36):
wrapped in a warm blanket of worthiness. In that seed,
and that same pain that has been covering the seed
that we have scooped out of the hole. Now we
can look at as fertilizer and we can actually put
it back in and say, you know what that allowed
me to I like that example. In the shell of
(46:59):
a oyster, the sand that is irritating and sometimes painful
to the oyster allows the oyster to put salve on
that pain and it becomes a pearl, so it creates
something beautiful. All pain has purpose. Let me say that again.
(47:20):
All pain has purpose to chisel ourselves into the magnificent
sculptures that we are in life. That's what pains for.
All pain and pain and life is mandatory. Suffering is optional.
So why would I want to keep pain out of
(47:41):
my life? Yes, it hurts, it doesn't feel good. And
I love this story example that I haven't used in
a while, which is two rocks in a store. The
one on the left, nobody goes and sees the one
on the right. Everybody goes and says, oh, my gosh,
look how beautiful this rock is. Look at how beautiful
(48:03):
the way that the sun is hitting it, and it
has prisms of multiple lights, and wow, it's so beautiful.
And ten years go by and finally the rock on
the left is pissed off, and it, you know, stomps
on its pedestal and says, how come no one ever
comes and tells me I'm beautiful on this side? No
(48:26):
one ever says you're a beautiful rock. They all go
to the rock on the right side and they tell it, Oh,
beautiful it is. And it's not fair. Life, you are
not fair. Why doesn't anybody say I'm beautiful? And life
parts the clouds and says and puts his arm around
the left rock and says, darling, I love you and
(48:49):
you are beautiful. But every time I come to try
to chip away at some of the edges and and
chissel you into a beautiful sculpture, you say, no, no, stop.
It hurts, like, can't take the pain. Don't touch me,
don't touch me, And so I have nowhere to go
(49:09):
with the pain. That has a purpose in creating the
most beautiful sculpture that you can be. And that, my friends,
is the analogy for why instead of believing some people
have this BS belief system that you know pain in life.
If bad things happen to you, you're being punished or
(49:32):
there's something wrong with you, darling. Seven out of ten
of us who've had past pain. That's the majority. So
that means that pain is kind of supposed to happen,
and no one has had no pain, So that bs
belief system that keeps us looking as that pain in
such a negative way is not serving us right. We
(49:57):
want pain to help a process through to purpose, process,
through to pleasures, process through past. The pain is power, purpose, pleasure,
and any other py word you want. So one, feel
(50:19):
the pain fully. Two move past the pain, and ask yourself,
with this pain, what is being in developed in me
right now? I learned that from doctor Michael Perdark back
with my big brother, who taught me that everything in
(50:41):
life has a purpose to help mold me and not
a lesson to teach me not to punish me. But
in every situation, the most helpful question I can ask
myself is I can't wait to see what good comes
out of this. I can't wait to see what is
being developed in me through this experience. And when I
(51:03):
asked it that way, I spend less time feeling sorry
for myself and more time being excited about what is
going to happen. So I'll use the best example that
just happened was I was going on world tour I
had planned to after Canada, I go to Africa August,
Hawaiian in September, Ireland in October, Shanghai in November, and
(51:29):
Taiwan in December. And everything was planned, sold, everything, let
go of my place on the beach and I was
ready to go, starting with doing service for my mom
for her funeral here in Canada. I was supposed to
fly out a week ago Saturday, and guess what. Routine
(51:51):
exam at the doctors led to an ultrasand which led
to two blood cloths in my leg large complex. They
use the word extreme in the report and it grounded
me literally. They wouldn't let me fly, and I think
the only reason why they let me is because of
(52:12):
the funeral rescheduled a week on medication. I had a
DVT in ninety six, so because of two times now,
I had a pulmonary embolism there before, so they're very
cautious about travel. And yeah, so guess what I'm round it?
No World tour as far as I know. I get
(52:36):
to go back to see an expert heematologist who could
hopefully say that some of it could be saved, but
for now, and that is a huge I did not
want this like this and not happy making. I thought
everything was you know, that was my plan? And yeah,
(52:56):
bad thing happened to me, my being punished. No, thank
you for that finger. Welcome to the show. I do
bad things happen to good people? Yes? Do bad things
happen to bad people? Yes, bad things happen in life.
No one is You're not a human if not something
(53:18):
happened that you don't like, that's normal. So what do
I do Is I focus and choose not to believe
that I'm being punished, not to believe that there's a lesson,
not to believe that I've done something wrong. But I
choose to ask that question what is being developed in
(53:39):
me right now as a direct result of what's happening?
And I choose to know and believe that everything happens
for my divine and best good and everything it's always
this or better. Now. This is my BS, my belief
system that I choose to believe in. So Step one,
(54:01):
feel the feeling fully and then to anchor myself in
my BS that works for me. So this is the
second major step, is whatever you're doing right now is
leading you to lingering pain. That's the topic right, So
if you're having lingering pain, that means whatever strategy you're
(54:26):
using is not working for you. Otherwise you wouldn't be
asking me this question, right, unless you're okay with having
lingering pain for the rest of your life. Now, I
want to distinguish there are normal points of pain that
you're not going to be paying free one because another
(54:48):
something's going to happen. But to let's say on this topic,
or let's say on the topic of someone betraying you, right,
that's a tough one. So are you going to have
lingering pain from that? Let's say you come across so
virginnye Roth might past guests who Bernie made off to
(55:11):
ten million of her savings. So let's say Bernie madeoff,
comes back on the news for some reason, somebody is
that and then she's going to remember and it's going
to be like, oh, I can't believe that that's not
lingering pain. That is normal. Okay, you're going to remember
that pain. Remembering pain is different than lingering pain. I
(55:32):
just made that Lingering pain is just every day the
first thing that you remember or that is, you know,
anytime anything happens where you're in pain, you're going to
have a memory of that lingering pain, which then lingers
and then another pain joins it, and then you end
up in bed and you can't get out. That's lingering pain.
(55:55):
So remembering pain is the second part of the solution.
You don't have to go back and remember that pain fully.
You just have to go and choose that next part,
which is, Okay, it happened, and what developed in me
as a direct result of that pain, Well I now
(56:20):
am You know, I'm a little more cautious with where
I invest my money, which is not a bad thing. Right.
All of the ways in which we have learned not
the lesson. And I want to really emphasize this point.
I can't stand it when people say, well I got
(56:40):
another accident because I haven't learned the lesson. No, you
know this. This propensity to beat ourselves up is not
a good one. And if you keep beating yourself up,
is it working for you? No? I don't think it is.
Because the more you beat yourself up, the more you're
over critic the more that you are your own worst enemy,
(57:03):
the less happy you will be. And I want you
to be happy eighty eight percent of the time. And
if you're your own worst critic, and you're harder on
yourself than anyone else. I promise you you will not
be happy eighty eight percent of the time, so stop it.
I want you to be your best advocate. But at
the same time, you have to make choices that are
(57:25):
showing that you are your best advocate. So when you
don't beat yourself up, when you give yourself grace, when
you give other people grace, when you ask what is
being developed in me right now, in this exact moment,
from what is going on That isn't fun, that isn't
happy making. It's a way to feel better about what's
going on. So that is the ticket. If it isn't
(57:50):
working for you, I want to ask you that question.
If you're having lingering pain, then obviously it's not I'm
suggesting that if you do, choose to put on glasses
that give yourself grace and also allow you to look
forward to have hope about what's coming. So Abraham Hicks,
(58:15):
another one of my great teachers, says, I am happy
with what is and eager about what's to come. So
I'm satisfied about my life now. Even though it's not
World Tour. I know there's a good reason for this
world tour being grounded. Don't know what it is, but
(58:35):
more will be revealed, and I trust and I know
that it's always this emer I know that I have
so many examples in my life. You've heard some of them.
I'm not going to go through it because we're at
the end of our time. But I hope that you
have some solution. Now feel it fully and then go
(58:57):
through the pain into power. Is it working for you?
If not, shoes a different set of glasses, way of
looking at it, because it's always just so better. That's
it for today. On not take my advice. I'm not
using a gift balance with Doctor Marissa the Morning show them.
Speaker 10 (59:14):
Mental Health, Money Matters series. Now go and have the
best day ever. We'll see you tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (59:24):
You're Life, Doctor Marrissa reporting Life from Canada.
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Or that up.
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You're listening to the Tehibo Tea Club radio show. Hosted
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To more than just the time of day. Jump off
that exhausting amster wheel and into balance. Living with Doctor
Marissa from Miss Joy. The Doctor Marissa, also known as
the Asian Oprah. Her mission to be a beneficial presence
(00:20):
on the planet, her purpose to be your personal advocate,
to live, lap love, learn her life motto, don't die wondering.
Take back your life with Doctor Maurica Pey.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
And welcome you're too take my advice, I'm not using it.
Get balance with Doctor Marissa. The Morning Show here on
casey AA, NBC News, CNBC News and NBC Sports Radio
station AM ten fifty FM one oh six point five,
home to the Asian Oprah, streaming everywhere in the ie.
(01:00):
Thank you very much. iHeartRadio, Spotify and Let's see iTunes, Tunent,
in Audible, Amazon Music, tikilib Rumbo, Podchaser, Streaker, Spreaker and more.
Why so many places as well. I'm on a happy
eighty eight mission eighty eight million more happy people in
the next eight years, So I have topics and guests
(01:23):
to that end. I balance out all the bad news
out there with some good news. So if you're looking
for the headlines, you're not going to get them here,
we're not talking about all those extremely negative things going on. Yes,
I know they are the truth and they are important. However,
the world is still you know, planetsd and crash into
(01:45):
each other last night. We have systems and checks and balances,
and a lot of what you think is the truth
is just a thought that you keep thinking. And of course,
Abraham Higgs lot of attraction. And I want us to
focus on things that make us feel better, not worse.
(02:07):
That's what we're always focused on here on this show.
So thanks for joining me. It is consecutive week number
six hundred and eighty eight. I'm going to give myself
a little applause for that one, of course, because eight
(02:27):
is a lucky number in Chinese. It's a homophone for
good fortune. So we've got double good fortune and consecutive weeks,
and that's a you know, I know you thought I
was Swedish when I'm actually Chinese, and I have come
full circle to valuing those Chinese roots. And let's see,
(02:51):
let's start with breakfast, because you know that's the drill.
Let's take a bite of my gratitude sandwich. Those of
you who are new here, I see eyeballs rolling thank
you so much for joining me every weekday morning. Since COVID,
I was asked to go from once a week to
(03:11):
every weekday morning. So now I am asking you to
join me for breakfast every weekday morning at nine Pacific
twelve naturally high noon Eastern time, where I am broadcasting
live from oh Can my country that I was born
(03:32):
in and returned to to produce. And I wouldn't say direct, well,
maybe my celebration of life service for my mom last Saturday.
Today is Monday, so two days ago. So I am
(03:53):
grateful top of the bun things that we're grateful for
outside of ourselves, bottom of the bun things who are
grateful for side of ourselves, otherwise known as appreciation. So
I'll start the gratitudes with I am grateful that the
service for my mother, my ninety year young Rose pay
(04:14):
Chinese mom, who passed a month ago, and she had
a beautiful service. It wasn't perfect, because you know, nothing is,
but I had more than one person say that my
(04:36):
mother would have been happy, which is always good for
those who knew my mom. And also one of the
senior people who work at the funeral the chapel said
that it was a really really good service, and he
would know because he sees all of them, so that
(04:57):
was a very nice compliment. So I am grateful that
I got to come back here and honor the legacy
of my mom and people ask for the eulogy speech,
which is also a compliment. And for those of you
who've been on my social thank you so much for
(05:18):
the support I posted up the video montage of my
Chinese mom. Those of you who saw the montage of
my bonus mom, so Lauris Martin, were also very appreciative,
and for that I am grateful. I could have another
(05:40):
job if I wanted it, but I'm grateful that those
who came to honor her was wonderful seeing all the
lives that she has touched. My mother was a force
of nature, and I am most grateful for the visit
I had in April, where it wasn't closure, it was
an opening and I had a beautiful time with her
(06:05):
healing and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that
she loved me in the only and best way that
she could, and that you know, it was a really
beautiful completion for me and the I don't want to
(06:26):
call it radical forgiveness. I'm in the process of putting
all of this together in a screenplay called Life by
a Thousand Cuts. But as well, I think there's a
lot to be said about forgiveness in a way that
(06:47):
allows everyone to have grace, including yourself. So graceful forgiveness. Ooh,
I like that. I like that. I've been waiting for
a a term for that, And I think I like
that graceful forgiveness giving grace to others and ourselves so
(07:07):
that we're not in pain anymore. And that is our
topic today, which is lingering pain, so that falls right
in line with that. But I don't want to get
to the topic before we finish breakfast. What else am
I grateful for? I'm grateful for coming back and enjoying
(07:28):
the country and place of my birth, reconnecting with friends,
reconnected with my elementary school child, childhood school friend and
friend Karen or Carr. We were called Carr and Mark,
and she invited me. I'll be going this weekend to
(07:49):
her place up in handover her cottage on the lake.
I am grateful that I get to see her mom,
who I grew up with as well. I am grateful
for my beautiful family. I've got pay family, ling family,
Tao family, so many nieces, nephews, great nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles,
(08:15):
and that is a beautiful thing to come home to
bask in family love. I'm grateful that I get to
do stand up again. I did a tour comedy tour
here the last time I was here. It's going to
be fun to repeat that. New places, old laces. I
am grateful that I get to stay at a beautiful home,
(08:39):
my brother Daniel's beautiful home, and use of his jeep,
even though it has no air conditioning. He was going
to sell it, but he knewhere I was coming, so
I get to have some wheels. I'm grateful that my
daughter's got to come for the service and I got
(08:59):
to spend a little time with them. I'm grateful that
a lot of people have reached out to support and
feel for me and find out how I'm doing, and
for that I'm truly grateful as well. So that's the
top of the bun. The bottom of the bun, which
is what do you like about yourself? I would like
(09:20):
you to do this at the end of the day,
when you're about to go to bed instead of thinking
about all the things that you didn't get done, who
done me wrong? Which is why we can't sleep at night.
I would like you to focus on what you like
about yourself because, frankly, my dear, if you can't approve
(09:40):
of yourself, how the fork do you expect anyone else
to approve of you. So this is the weight training
portion of the show, where we isolate things that you
absolutely like about yourself and undo or replace those habits
that we have to be our own worst well meaning
(10:02):
parents who are more me than well I would say
things like, don't toot your own homemorn or who do
you think you are? You're not all that. That may
have been well meaning, but it has created many, many
people who have antennae that they walk around looking for
(10:22):
who likes me? And on social media literally who likes me?
And I don't want you to do that. Instead, I
want you to know what you're good at, that you're
eighty eight percent fabulous and twelve percent of the time
you're human and you step in it. But to focus
on that eighty eight percent positive. So I appreciate that
(10:45):
I am resilient and that no matter what, blood clots
to blood clots, a grounded world tour, people that I
love passing. I haven't lost them, but they are no
longer in physical form. That those are just the recent
(11:11):
things that provided some conditions for me that I was
it was okay to be sad and mad and not
happy about But wow, I heard the about in that.
People will say that I don't sound like I'm from
Canada until I come back to Canada and all of
a sudden, I've got all the little Canadian pronunciations that
(11:36):
I'm hearing myself. I appreciate that I can bounce back,
not bounce back, but I can process. I think it's
important to process through conditions that are not happy making
and then get to the place where you can choose
happiness eighty eight percent of the time. I appreciate my
(11:58):
ability to laugh at myself often and much, and that
stand up is certainly helping me sharpen that bone, my
funny bone. When I'm doing stand up and also doing
the show, I love finding reasons to laugh out loud.
It is my favorite sound in the world in life.
(12:22):
All right, that's it for the bottom of the button.
I hope that you join me every weekday morning as
we go through this good life habit hashtag discipline and
it is completely free way to feel better. And I
promise that if you do this good life habit for
(12:45):
thirty consecutive days, twenty eight the research said used to
say twenty one, So you know I'm going to just
start saying thirty days. To make sure and join me
every weekday morning here to do this live on my
YouTube TV channel live eighty eight percent at the time,
actually more like ninety eight percent at the time. But
I promise you if you have breakfast with me and
(13:09):
free subscribe to my YouTube TV channel, you'll get an
alert to come join me live that you will sandwich
your day in the most positive way. Thanks for joining
me for breakfast.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
And now for the topic of the day.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
I forgot my belt, so that is the announcer for
the top of the day. It is my co host
Wednesday's favorite sound on the funny Board. So the topic
of the day is how do you get rid of
lingering pain from your past? It is a question that
(14:03):
was asked of me when I was on this fabulous
TV show not that long ago named the Macord List.
Rachel was the host, I was on the hot seat
and one of the questions she asked me was a
lot of people are challenged or struggling to get passed
(14:28):
or resolve or get through lingering pain from the past.
So that is the topic for today's hashtag mental Health
Monday Matters because or mental health Matters Mondays, because it
is Monday Monday. And that's how I like to start
(14:52):
every week with this. And as a reminder, because you're
here on Monday, you you get an audiobook copy and
I actually narrated the entire book, so you'll hear me
in your ear wherever you are listening to the podcast
(15:13):
or sorry, listening to the audio book. And it's a
twenty dollars value. So all you need to do is
go to my website which has showing up here. Just
google Asian Oprah or doctor Marissa and you will get
this particular audio book as my Asian Oprah giveaway every
Monday when we do mental Health Matters Mondays. All right,
(15:36):
so that's the question, And as per usual, on the
first half of the show, I keep it real and
I put the moose on the table, which is my
Canadian version of talking about the elephant in the room,
about the situation. I won't say, it's a problem, but
it is a situation that many people have coming in
(16:00):
to life. After you come in as a clean slate,
they say, when I teach the balance tichi going, the
moving meditation that promotes inner piece one breath at a time,
the polishing table form highlights that you are born with
that clean table. Kids, they don't. They're not depressed, even
(16:26):
though they cry when they are clearing their lungs, when
they get smacked so that they are breathing fully. They
come in clean. We don't. We're not born with unhappiness.
We're not born with anger. We're not born with any
of the negative emotions. We are naturally high. We love playing,
(16:55):
we love fun, we love people around us, we love things,
we love ourselves. And it isn't until I would say,
for my research, doing career days or doing what do
(17:16):
they call them, when you you know, you volunteer in
school as a parent. To early on, I started in
you know, co op preschool and watching children naturally be
happy and they don't really show the voice in the
head until age It used to be ten to eleven.
(17:38):
I think it's more like seven eight now, maybe even
six where they say I'm not as smart as a person.
I'm not as pretty as that person, I'm not as
I don't have as much as that person, and that
critical voice that begins to separate us from ourselves and
(17:59):
we begin to lose use the faith and grace in
who we are at that age. And then depending on
who is your primary role taker giver, if they are
mean themselves and for whatever reason want to bring you
down or put you in your place, then that voice
(18:21):
becomes even louder. You're not worthy, You're not good enough.
Who do you think you are? So that that pain
from your past can linger, especially if you don't deal
with it early and you shove it down. Oh, pull
(18:44):
yourself up by your bootstraps. Don't feel sorry for yourself.
Everybody is discriminated against at some point. You know, don't
don't dwell, don't linger, don't address. And we have learned
in our field of psychology that you do not deal with,
(19:05):
we'll come back and deal with you. So that's one
way to stop the healing process from pain, making it lingering.
The other way is to over deal with that pain
from the past and marinade in it, and therefore it
will become lingering as well. So for the next let's see,
(19:32):
we've got eleven minutes left in the first half, I'm
going to put the moose on the table and talk
about all the ways in which I have had clients
who've come in with lingering pain. Maybe you, if you're
here to chat, please do not while you're driving on
the am FM channel. We are on KCAA, the station
(19:56):
that leaves no listener behind NBC News Radio, the station. Oh.
I said that during the little station, I'd sneaking that
in there, but I don't want you to write it
in the chat when you're driving. But when you get
somewhere safe, do that on my YouTube TV channel or
where I love streaming on LinkedIn Facebook and you do,
(20:22):
all right? So how what kinds of pain lingers get
your heart broken? I have one stands out in particular
at a client who was forty three, I believe at
the time, and was still feeling and suffering from the
(20:46):
lingering pain of a heart broken first love. And I asked,
how old are you and he said at the time
I was I think eighteen. That's a long time to
have lingering pain from a heartbreak. So that is probably
one of the top three when people talk about lingering
(21:07):
pain from heartbreak. Someone broke their heart in a romantic relationship.
Betrayal is another one of the top lingering pain. They
fell in love, maybe it wasn't their first love, and
that person cheated on them, and that is a lingering
(21:32):
pain for many, many people. Another one is abuse, So
someone primary in their lives mother, father, caretaker, older sibling, cousin, grandparent, teacher, coach,
(21:56):
they were abused, priest, were abused by someone who really
shouldn't have done that, because you're supposed to have caretakers
who protect you, not hurt you. So there's lingering pain,
(22:18):
whether it was physical, mental, emotional, sexual. I'm not doing
a comparison of abuse here. Abuse certainly of some kinds
are are I would say they cut deeper, all right,
(22:39):
But I want to stay away from that comparison of abuse,
which doesn't get us anywhere. If you feel that you
have lingering pain from something that was done to you,
that pain felt is that pain felt, So that is
(23:03):
also one of the big categories of lingering pain. So
abuse from someone who shouldn't have well, nobody should abuse anyone,
but it happens, and it happens way more than we
want to give credence to seven out of ten is
(23:25):
the national statistic. My honorable Moniker Oprah said eight out
of ten have gone through childhood trauma, and some psychologists
today say ninety three to ninety four percent a lot
of people. So the fact that we're not we haven't
(23:45):
really talked about it until most recently, again because of
my honorable Moniker, I believe Oprah opened that conversation to
talk about mental health in a acceptable way that we're
now really looking at it, which is why I wanted
to do this series. Now caveat, I am not a
clinical psychologist. I did not want to be a clinical psychologist. However,
(24:09):
I am an organizational psychologist who deals with full body,
my body, mind, spiritual as well as a happiness coach
for almost three decades. So I'm speaking from my professional
experience that way, but I don't want to. I'm not
a medical doctor and I'm not a psychologist clinically. Okay, However,
(24:35):
I am happy that a lot of people have benefited
by the words that I speak on your behalf to
help heal, and I'm really really grateful that I have this,
which you can get a free audiobook copy of to
(24:55):
It's like self help on steroids, So there's exercises in
here to work through that pain. So we're going through
the categories of lingering pain. We've talked about heartbrokenness, betrayal,
and abuse. Okay, I would say those are the top
three categories that at least I come across, or you
(25:18):
see people dealing with in therapy or numbing themselves with
our memories of that. So up there also is financial
loss being extortion or stolen or the what's that word
(25:41):
I'm thinking of or my guest when Bernie made off
with her ten million dollars Jenine Roth, as well as
the false identity thing where everything's gone or you're tricked
into giving away money, uh that you you worked hard for.
(26:03):
So there's that kind of financial loss that's uh, that's
lingering pain to h as well as you know our fires,
my friend Harlan, my favorite publicist who lost his home
in Altadena. You know, loss from that kind that can
(26:24):
be lingering pain. So I think those are some of
the top. If you think there are other categories that
I haven't covered, please do put them in the chat.
But this is the first half of the show where
we are addressing and being aware of those normal natural
(26:45):
things that will lead you to pain, and that pain
not processed, not healed, not uh, it's the word I
want to not not band aiated, but not cleaned up,
not disinfected, and allowed to mestasticize. I know I said
(27:13):
that wrong. Would I've not had to have that in
my vocabulary. I let's see, if you don't treat the wound,
that's the word I was thinking about then that that
wound will be become infected. So that's what we don't
(27:36):
want to do. But we want to address that wound.
We want to address the pain so that it does
not linger beyond twelve percent, so eighty eight percent of
the time. I don't want your pain to linger and
(27:57):
to spew its painfulness into your present, in your future.
And that is the top of the day. So I
think we have looked at all of the major categories.
I see eyeballs rolling in. If you have any more,
please put them in the cashing gallery chat. But we're
(28:21):
going to take a quick break for news, weather, traffic,
and we're from our sponsor. When we come back, we're
going to talk about how to rid ourselves or how
to address and treat lingering pain. So that it is
not quite so lingering and affecting our ability to be happy.
Speaker 4 (28:43):
Eighty eight percent of the time. We'll be right back.
Don't go away for more. Take my advice, I'm not
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You have to be your biggest fan, because if you can't,
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To tune in to the show about hope and happiness.
And it is Mondy Monday, which means it's mental health
Matters Mondays, and we're talking about we're actually answering the
question how do you get rid of lingering pain? And
(32:01):
it's a question that came up in my interview. While
I was being interviewed, I was on the hot seat
for a change with Rachel mccorg. She's got a beautiful
talk show that I got to be on set for,
and I put that on the promo yesterday. If you're
not following me, not because I want you to follow
(32:22):
me for numbers. I want you to follow me because
you know that I'm not going to be angry political
rhetoric complaining, but instead I want you to feel better
about life and to claim your birthright to happiness eighty
(32:43):
eight percent of the time, so doc balance on Instagram,
doctor Marsa, everywhere else. So I am. I realized that
I did not post my story for the today, and
I will do that right now. And it is mental
(33:07):
health Monday Matters. And just a reminder of the asient
of forgiveaway is an audiobook copy of my number one
Amazon and national bestseller. So that's worth twenty dollars. I
know that's not a car yet for Asian or forgiveaway,
but it's something and I hope you do enjoy it.
(33:30):
Shout out to Valerie Heath, who runs this wonderful Heaving
an Earth Oasis fundraiser for veterans in November. I will
be the MC this year. She just let me know
that she bought a copy off of Amazon, so I'm
going to send her a free audiobook copy for doing so.
(33:50):
So you can always let me know that and I
will do that as well. All right, topic of the day,
how do you get rid of lingering pain? It is
the second half of the show, so we're going to
go into solution to recap the problem or the situation
or the challenge. We want relief from lingering pain, from betrayal,
(34:13):
from heartbreak, from abuse, from financial loss or any kind
of loss. I think losing people too. I think I
did not mention that one. So death, certainly that is
close to me right now. I just did the service
(34:35):
for my mother at Rose Pay at ninety and that
was Saturday, so very recent. So I don't want to
have lingering pain for anyone who has passed, because there's
a lot of people who passed in my life, and
if I have lingering pain for all of them, I
(34:55):
am squeezing out any ability to be happy. It's not
certainly not eighty eight percent happy. So my first suggestion
or recommendation for lingering pain is if you have not
really felt fully all of the emotions that that particular
(35:27):
event happenings impacted in your life, that can give it
a lingering for a long time. I mentioned before the break,
what you do not deal with will deal with you
and Unfortunately for many people, they are told, don't cry,
(35:52):
pull yourself up with your bootstraps. It's in the past,
you can't change it. Just forget about it, or just
stuff it down or don't talk about it. And my
most horrific example of this, to sort of anchor the
(36:12):
worst case scenario, I had a client when I was
working with UCLA and the tea groups. The kind of
came out of Esslon that time. It was twenty years ago.
I want to say maybe more thirty years ago. I
used oil of LA, but thirty years ago I was
(36:34):
on faculty for that. And I had a client in
the group who had never ever processed through walking in
on his father shooting himself. And the worst part was
not that as a nine year old. The worst part
was he was told do not ever talk about this ever,
(36:57):
so he didn't talk about it and to been safe
for stuffing that down. He was an overachiever and he
did very well until it came to the surface. And
when it came to the surface, it was not it
(37:17):
was more than lingering. It was a shock day system body, mind, spirit, soul,
and so so grateful that it was the perfect time
in this session that he was supported and was allowed.
(37:37):
The group helped him. Its tea group is one of
the ways in which we can support each other and
it's a safe place with which to heal. And so
that tea group was able to help him immensely in
processing through that pain. And it was a lot of pain.
And if you have if you were in situation similar
(38:01):
to his, where there has been something traumatic in your
past and you have not been able to sit with
that pain because you think, and I use this example
because I was in the same boat where you don't
want to deal with the pain because you think, like
humpty dumpty, if you go and into that dark hole
(38:21):
that many of us have in front of us. You
know the hole, right, You know that pain, and you
just don't want to go in there because you think
you'll never stop crying, You'll you'll lose your mind, you're
going to end up with a fifty one fifty in
a psyche ward because you just don't trust that you'll
ever be able to feel okay again. It's okay. I
(38:43):
get that I was there. I know that that feeling
is very, very scary. I'm not saying that you don't
need professional help for that. You know, the deeper the pain.
I would say that there are many ways in which
to work with that pain, and that the caveat is
(39:05):
you don't need to spend ten years processing through that pain.
You don't need to revisit that pain ten times a
day or even ten times a month. That's what lingering
pain is. If you had not addressed that pass pain
in a safe and thorough way, it will linger right.
(39:29):
I am a big proponent of feeling your feelings fully
and then being able to go past the pain into power.
But if you don't go into the pain, you're not
going to get to the power. If you try to
skip through or shallow, you know you're not. So what
(39:51):
I do through the book and in my practice is
hold your hand and you walk into the valley of pain.
You go where you think that you cannot get out,
But I promise you there is a bottom. You're not
humpty dumpty, you will be. In fact, you're not broken.
You don't fall into a place where you break wide
(40:13):
open and are scattered. All you do is you go
and you find out that there is a bottom to
the pain, that you can feel it. You're not going
to die from it. You don't need to numb it.
You really, really can feel pain fully and come out
(40:34):
of it all right. And that's why I'm not a
huge fan of things that mask your pain. I'm not
a huge fan of anything that can numb your pain
or temporarily band aid over the pain, because it will
come back. And so it's a skill. This is a
(40:56):
skill to be able to hold yourself. Certainly, use someone
to help you with this. Best friends are great, loving,
unconditionally loving or close to unconditional loving. Family members are
great who can hold your hand and help you find
(41:20):
the bottom of that way. And the bottom of that
pain is where you just can't cry anymore, like you've
just exhausted yourself, but you've also allowed yourself to fully
cry without apologizing for crying. I'm a huge don't you
dare apologize for crying because tears are the disinfect They
(41:43):
keep your heart soft. And I love it when people
cry on my show. I love it when people cry
when I'm coaching them because I know their hearts are
open and they are healing. Okay, so if you don't
like crying, you're going to have a little difficult time
for this. I go to a sad movie, I try
(42:04):
to cry once a week because I know it keeps
my heart soft and I know it validates the fact
that I am human, and the beautiful part of human
we can feel. And here's another commercial feeling. If you
try to cut out your tears and not feel pain
and not feel sadness, ever, you're also going to limit
(42:27):
your ability to feel excitement and joy and exhilaration because
emotions are like a dumb waiter. They close like this.
So if you're okay all the time, you're not going
to have highs and lows because you want to be
even keel. Well, that's a horrible way to live. I
want to feel the pain because I know the equal
(42:52):
is the joy. I want to feel the sadness because
I know that is satisfaction and happiness is the upside
of that. So my ability to feel all my feelings
allows me to open wide that door of expression and
creativity and innovation and even a pleasure. Okay, I won't
(43:17):
say the G word. It's Monday, not Friday, so but
I want all of us to Happiness is a high
feeling that is the correlated feeling of sadness. So you
cannot feel really happy if you don't know how to
(43:38):
feel really sad, and that, my friends, is not drama queen,
not instability, not going postal. Sorry, but that is expression.
A lot of people understand. I'm not saying that we
want to be unstable, but I do want us to
really feel the breadth and the depth and the width
(44:02):
and the height and the multi dimensional, beautiful side of
feeling alive. That's what the feelings are about. That's what
it's for. So we feel and celebrate life with our feelings.
And if you are only feeling okay, or if I'm
only feeling I'm fine, fine stands for ft UP, irrational, neurotic,
(44:29):
and emotional. I don't want to feel fine. Ever. I
also when people ask how you're doing, I don't want
you to say I'm fine, But I also don't want
you to say, oh, let me tell you how I'm
feeling and go into this whole you know, vomiting TMI.
(44:51):
That's for closed mouth few friends. If you can count
closed mouth friends on three of your fingers, that's good. Too,
is better because unless you repeat it, the better one
is great. If you don't have anyone in your life
that you can talk about how you're feeling, I have
(45:11):
a best friend. It's called my keyboard, and I will
type out how I'm feeling, or I'll use my very
smartphone and I will use voice dictation, and I won't
hit send email or I won't hit send text. I'll
put it in my note section that is locked, so
(45:33):
that I can fully express what I'm feeling with the
words that I can use. But I'm not going to
have to apologize later. I'm not going to have to
be afraid someone's going to use it to extort some
private things from me. So you can feel fully with yourself,
(45:54):
or with a good friend, or with a relative, or
a priest who or a psychologist or a therapist. There's
plenty of people. But the most important thing is that
you feel fully all those feelings that came with that pain,
(46:15):
so that pain doesn't linger. Once you have fully felt
and expressed and allowed yourself to go into that big
black hole in front and find the bottom, you're going
to find the seed of who you are. And we
are all loving, lovable, loved, one of a kind, wonderful
(46:36):
wrapped in a warm blanket of worthiness. In that seed,
and that same pain that has been covering the seed
that we have scooped out of the hole. Now we
can look at as fertilizer and we can actually put
it back in and say, you know what that allowed
me to I like that example. In the shell of
(46:59):
a oyster, the sand that is irritating and sometimes painful
to the oyster allows the oyster to put salve on
that pain and it becomes a pearl, so it creates
something beautiful. All pain has purpose. Let me say that again.
(47:20):
All pain has purpose to chisel ourselves into the magnificent
sculptures that we are in life. That's what pains for.
All pain and pain and life is mandatory. Suffering is optional.
So why would I want to keep pain out of
(47:41):
my life? Yes, it hurts, it doesn't feel good. And
I love this story example that I haven't used in
a while, which is two rocks in a store. The
one on the left, nobody goes and sees the one
on the right. Everybody goes and says, oh, my gosh,
look how beautiful this rock is. Look at how beautiful
(48:03):
the way that the sun is hitting it, and it
has prisms of multiple lights, and wow, it's so beautiful.
And ten years go by and finally the rock on
the left is pissed off, and it, you know, stomps
on its pedestal and says, how come no one ever
comes and tells me I'm beautiful on this side? No
(48:26):
one ever says you're a beautiful rock. They all go
to the rock on the right side and they tell it, Oh,
beautiful it is. And it's not fair. Life, you are
not fair. Why doesn't anybody say I'm beautiful? And life
parts the clouds and says and puts his arm around
the left rock and says, darling, I love you and
(48:49):
you are beautiful. But every time I come to try
to chip away at some of the edges and and
chissel you into a beautiful sculpture, you say, no, no, stop.
It hurts, like, can't take the pain. Don't touch me,
don't touch me, And so I have nowhere to go
(49:09):
with the pain. That has a purpose in creating the
most beautiful sculpture that you can be. And that, my friends,
is the analogy for why instead of believing some people
have this BS belief system that you know pain in life.
If bad things happen to you, you're being punished or
(49:32):
there's something wrong with you, darling. Seven out of ten
of us who've had past pain. That's the majority. So
that means that pain is kind of supposed to happen,
and no one has had no pain, So that bs
belief system that keeps us looking as that pain in
such a negative way is not serving us right. We
(49:57):
want pain to help a process through to purpose, process,
through to pleasures, process through past. The pain is power, purpose, pleasure,
and any other py word you want. So one, feel
(50:19):
the pain fully. Two move past the pain, and ask yourself,
with this pain, what is being in developed in me
right now? I learned that from doctor Michael Perdark back
with my big brother, who taught me that everything in
(50:41):
life has a purpose to help mold me and not
a lesson to teach me not to punish me. But
in every situation, the most helpful question I can ask
myself is I can't wait to see what good comes
out of this. I can't wait to see what is
being developed in me through this experience. And when I
(51:03):
asked it that way, I spend less time feeling sorry
for myself and more time being excited about what is
going to happen. So I'll use the best example that
just happened was I was going on world tour I
had planned to after Canada, I go to Africa August,
Hawaiian in September, Ireland in October, Shanghai in November, and
(51:29):
Taiwan in December. And everything was planned, sold, everything, let
go of my place on the beach and I was
ready to go, starting with doing service for my mom
for her funeral here in Canada. I was supposed to
fly out a week ago Saturday, and guess what. Routine
(51:51):
exam at the doctors led to an ultrasand which led
to two blood cloths in my leg large complex. They
use the word extreme in the report and it grounded
me literally. They wouldn't let me fly, and I think
the only reason why they let me is because of
(52:12):
the funeral rescheduled a week on medication. I had a
DVT in ninety six, so because of two times now,
I had a pulmonary embolism there before, so they're very
cautious about travel. And yeah, so guess what I'm round it?
No World tour as far as I know. I get
(52:36):
to go back to see an expert heematologist who could
hopefully say that some of it could be saved, but
for now, and that is a huge I did not
want this like this and not happy making. I thought
everything was you know, that was my plan? And yeah,
(52:56):
bad thing happened to me, my being punished. No, thank
you for that finger. Welcome to the show. I do
bad things happen to good people? Yes? Do bad things
happen to bad people? Yes, bad things happen in life.
No one is You're not a human if not something
(53:18):
happened that you don't like, that's normal. So what do
I do Is I focus and choose not to believe
that I'm being punished, not to believe that there's a lesson,
not to believe that I've done something wrong. But I
choose to ask that question what is being developed in
(53:39):
me right now as a direct result of what's happening?
And I choose to know and believe that everything happens
for my divine and best good and everything it's always
this or better. Now. This is my BS, my belief
system that I choose to believe in. So Step one,
(54:01):
feel the feeling fully and then to anchor myself in
my BS that works for me. So this is the
second major step, is whatever you're doing right now is
leading you to lingering pain. That's the topic right, So
if you're having lingering pain, that means whatever strategy you're
(54:26):
using is not working for you. Otherwise you wouldn't be
asking me this question, right, unless you're okay with having
lingering pain for the rest of your life. Now, I
want to distinguish there are normal points of pain that
you're not going to be paying free one because another
(54:48):
something's going to happen. But to let's say on this topic,
or let's say on the topic of someone betraying you, right,
that's a tough one. So are you going to have
lingering pain from that? Let's say you come across so
virginnye Roth might past guests who Bernie made off to
(55:11):
ten million of her savings. So let's say Bernie madeoff,
comes back on the news for some reason, somebody is
that and then she's going to remember and it's going
to be like, oh, I can't believe that that's not
lingering pain. That is normal. Okay, you're going to remember
that pain. Remembering pain is different than lingering pain. I
(55:32):
just made that Lingering pain is just every day the
first thing that you remember or that is, you know,
anytime anything happens where you're in pain, you're going to
have a memory of that lingering pain, which then lingers
and then another pain joins it, and then you end
up in bed and you can't get out. That's lingering pain.
(55:55):
So remembering pain is the second part of the solution.
You don't have to go back and remember that pain fully.
You just have to go and choose that next part,
which is, Okay, it happened, and what developed in me
as a direct result of that pain, Well I now
(56:20):
am You know, I'm a little more cautious with where
I invest my money, which is not a bad thing. Right.
All of the ways in which we have learned not
the lesson. And I want to really emphasize this point.
I can't stand it when people say, well I got
(56:40):
another accident because I haven't learned the lesson. No, you
know this. This propensity to beat ourselves up is not
a good one. And if you keep beating yourself up,
is it working for you? No? I don't think it is.
Because the more you beat yourself up, the more you're
over critic the more that you are your own worst enemy,
(57:03):
the less happy you will be. And I want you
to be happy eighty eight percent of the time. And
if you're your own worst critic, and you're harder on
yourself than anyone else. I promise you you will not
be happy eighty eight percent of the time, so stop it.
I want you to be your best advocate. But at
the same time, you have to make choices that are
(57:25):
showing that you are your best advocate. So when you
don't beat yourself up, when you give yourself grace, when
you give other people grace, when you ask what is
being developed in me right now, in this exact moment,
from what is going on That isn't fun, that isn't
happy making. It's a way to feel better about what's
going on. So that is the ticket. If it isn't
(57:50):
working for you, I want to ask you that question.
If you're having lingering pain, then obviously it's not I'm
suggesting that if you do, choose to put on glasses
that give yourself grace and also allow you to look
forward to have hope about what's coming. So Abraham Hicks,
(58:15):
another one of my great teachers, says, I am happy
with what is and eager about what's to come. So
I'm satisfied about my life now. Even though it's not
World Tour. I know there's a good reason for this
world tour being grounded. Don't know what it is, but
(58:35):
more will be revealed, and I trust and I know
that it's always this emer I know that I have
so many examples in my life. You've heard some of them.
I'm not going to go through it because we're at
the end of our time. But I hope that you
have some solution. Now feel it fully and then go
(58:57):
through the pain into power. Is it working for you?
If not, shoes a different set of glasses, way of
looking at it, because it's always just so better. That's
it for today. On not take my advice. I'm not
using a gift balance with Doctor Marissa the Morning show them.
Speaker 10 (59:14):
Mental Health, Money Matters series. Now go and have the
best day ever. We'll see you tomorrow.
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