September 19, 2025 • 60 mins
KCAA: Get Balanced with Dr. Marissa on Fri, 19 Sep, 2025
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
To evolved at exhausting, amster wheel and injured balance. Living
with Doctor Marissa.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
From Miss Joy.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Mis Doctor Marissa, also known as the Asian Oprah. Her
mission to be a beneficial presence on the planet, her
purpose to be your personal advocate, to live, lap love,
learn her life motto, don't die wondering, Take back your
life with Doctor Maurica Pey.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
And welcome your tunda. To take my advice, I'm not
using it. Get balanced with Doctor Marissa in the Morning
show here on.
Speaker 3 (00:44):
KCAA, NBC News Radio, CNBC News and NBC Sports Radio
station AM ten fifty FM one O.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Six point five and streaming everywhere. iHeartRadio, Spotify, I too,
start Audible, Amazon Music, Tlive, Rumble, patis a streaker, spreaker
and more. And uh, this is a show about hope
and happiness. So there's no gossip, no scandal, no kwords,
no Kardashian talk, no tea talk, no politics, no religion.
(01:17):
Why because I want to keep you eighty eight percent happy.
You can get the headlines everywhere else, but here it's
the heart lines. And we want things that we can
learn from to laugh about, to smile about, to joke about,
and to even get a little naughty about since it
is Friday and it is time for my fallo. Less
(01:37):
co hosts every other week on Straight Talk with myself.
Speaker 4 (01:42):
And James Hawthorne. Hello, everybody, Welcome.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Back to the studio. James, it's been a little bent's
been like a California minute, So let's just acknoledge that
and let's launch right into the taking a bite of
my gratitude sandwich for breakfast, which is a good life,
(02:09):
having a hashtag discipline that I do on the show
for the last few years. So, James, what are you
grateful for?
Speaker 4 (02:18):
I'm grateful for friends that have your back.
Speaker 5 (02:21):
I have one in particular, and we're working on a
lot of exciting projects together, and you know, it's just
nice to know that we can call each other and
count on each other to, you know.
Speaker 4 (02:31):
Help us move forward through this thing called life together.
Speaker 5 (02:33):
And you know, it's just it's comforting to know that
when times get tough, you're you're not in it by yourself.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Absolutely. Top of the bune is things that we're grateful
for outside of ourselves, whereas bottom of the bun because
I like it on the bottom, although I haven't been
there in a long time TM I is things that
we're grateful for inside of ourselves or another words, appreciation,
as Abraham Hicks will say, what do you like abound yourself?
(03:05):
And that we do before we go to bed tonight.
So we're modeling that for you. So you wait the
first thing in the morning, you're grateful for things. When
you're looking last thing before you go to bed, you're
grateful four things inside of yourself. And that's the exercise
that we're in the middle of. If you'd like to
play along, please do in the chat. We love it
when you give us your eight cents worth opinion and
(03:26):
your gratitudes. Please do not do it if you're driving
right now listening on the A M F M side.
So gratitude. I am grateful that I have a new
love and support for the Dodgers because of my co host.
You didn't even notice that I had my Dodger wear on,
(03:47):
did you?
Speaker 4 (03:51):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Yeah, that is it. Yeah, and the promo that went out.
Everybody just loves it when I make a fool out
of myself. But when I'm dancing in front of I
think it's tawmy Lesorda's bobbing head at the at the
end of the ball park. So I'm grateful that I
(04:13):
got to interview his wife that was really at it.
When I was doing a lot more on location broadcasting
with my New York News agency. I think I'm going
to start doing that again. I forgot about that now
that I'm not on what airplane. But I'm grateful that
I've had a chance to. Kershaw was another one I interviewed.
(04:38):
I've gotten to interview a lot of really great people
already in my life, so I'm grateful for that.
Speaker 5 (04:46):
I'm grateful A lot of my gratitude stuff always comes
back to people, because you know, I just good relationships
in your life just makes the world go around, whether
it's friendships, romantic or family. And I'm grateful for friends
and give it to me straight that you know, I
have the curve.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
Just say, you know, James, I think.
Speaker 5 (05:01):
That you could be doing better if and you know,
sometimes they say never give unsolicited advice.
Speaker 4 (05:08):
Well, close friends, that's in the job description. I think sometimes.
Speaker 5 (05:12):
Nice to be you know, it means that they're looking
out for you and that you're thinking about you, and
that they care about.
Speaker 4 (05:20):
You, even if sometimes what you hear might not feel good.
Speaker 5 (05:23):
It's like when you have a wound and they you know,
they put some rubbing alcohol on it.
Speaker 4 (05:28):
It's a disinfected and it wakes you up.
Speaker 5 (05:31):
And I had an experience with that this past week,
and I'm just grateful that they, you know, had the
courage to offer an unsolicited opinion.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
There you go, I'll remember that.
Speaker 5 (05:45):
Oh you're not shy, honey, you don't need any help
of that, darling.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Yeah, tough. What was it somebody was listening to me
dictate something. Oh, I was a Yeah, I was at
a getting some part of my body done, and they go, oh,
remind me to ask you what to say when I
have to confront somebody. So anyways, oddly enough, I ended
(06:15):
up having to confront him, which is the irony of
the whole thing. Yeah, I am grateful that every problem
is an opportunity to exercise my creative, innovative problem solving juices,
My creative juices that I drink every morning, and that
(06:38):
I can, Oh, that's already bottom of the bun, but
I'll dip there. That is one of the qualities that
I appreciate about myself. I like my ability to turn
problems into jigsaw huzzles.
Speaker 5 (06:56):
I guess this is you know what, I'm gonna save
this one for the bottom of the bugs more bottom
of the butt.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Kind of well, go ahead, go ahead and do it,
because I kind of will go back to the top
in the second. We can do multiple positions today.
Speaker 5 (07:08):
Hey, let's have some fun, you know, why be choosey,
let's be versatile, as they call it. I would like
to I'm good at I like that I'm able to
when I'm feeling unrest or I like that I'm able
to tune into my thoughts and not just be a
(07:29):
victim of them. That I can kind of take a
deep breath, separate and see what's on my mind and
see what thought patterns and things are serving me versus
those that are just taking my circumstances and making them worse.
You know, I'm a big believer that belief is reality.
And if you don't check your thoughts and you let
(07:51):
them kind of run rampant, they can create a false
narrative for what is going on.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
In your life. And if you can separate yourself from that.
Speaker 5 (08:00):
For me, it requires journaling, you know, writing them out,
just you know, I can get them all out and
then see what's been on my mind, and then I
can look at it and say which thoughts are based
you know, our objective truth and which are just my
spin on it because I'm anxious or depressed about something,
(08:21):
which thoughts have you know, spin on them based on
my circumstances, and which are actual reflections of the truth.
And in effect, you know, meditation is so powerful because
it allows you to observe your thoughts rather than them
kind of engage, you know, running you And I'm I'm
(08:41):
I guess describing a non traditional meditation version of just
writing the thoughts out and kind of looking at them
and analyzing them. And that's another way that you can
master your sense of inner peace. And I like that
I've figured out a to do that to sort of
(09:01):
catch myself instead of spiraling when things get get tougher
I'm feeling anxious or you know, depressed about circumstances or things.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Yep, it's you are not the critic in your head.
You're not the thoughts in your head. And thank God
for that, because fifty thoughts. I always forget the statistic,
but forty two point seven percent of statistics are made
up on the spot anyways, So but what seventy five
(09:30):
percent of fifty thousand random non random thoughts. We have
an air negative. So if you believe your own bs,
your belief systems, you're not going to be in a
very good food certainly not eighty eight percent happy. I'm
a great full for.
Speaker 4 (09:52):
This.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Tomorrow I get to be it at JNL Fine Jewelry,
first time I love. First I'm doing a book signing
at a jewelry store. You get free champagne, twenty five
percent off if you have you know, pre Christmas ideas
for the women or I shouldn't say women, anybody that
(10:13):
likes jewelry in your life. That's tomorrow, and I get
to do a book signing locally. I'm supposed to be
in Ireland this month, Ireland and Hawaii, but hey, I'm
at the traffic circle and find people at jn L
Jewelry are hosting my book signing, So I'll see you
(10:35):
between twelve and four tomorrow, anyone who is local. I know, James,
you're working so you don't have to come down, but
I just wanted to say I'm really grateful that even
though I'm not on tour internationally, I can be on
tour locally. There you go.
Speaker 4 (10:56):
One more gratitude, gratitude or things that I like about myself.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
We haven't sufficiently taken that bite out of the top
of the line.
Speaker 4 (11:07):
You got it.
Speaker 5 (11:08):
Yeah, We're We're not doing those those you know, thin
little bread strips. We're going full carbohydrate, full slices of
bread today.
Speaker 4 (11:16):
I am grateful for my mom. I I made a.
Speaker 5 (11:19):
Post on Instagram something that really spoke to me regarding,
you know, excuses that I hear from clients about not
having time to work out and that being a reason
why they don't get started on trying.
Speaker 4 (11:32):
To make their health and fitness better. And I love her.
Speaker 5 (11:35):
She says, James, your tone is too scolding. You're you're
you do you attract more flies with how you're other
than vinegar? And I said, I know, I know, Mom.
I I am a motivational, loving person as a trainer.
But sometimes you got to tell people, hey, what you're
thinking a true and so sometimes you got to hold
people accountable.
Speaker 4 (11:53):
So different tones for different content.
Speaker 5 (11:55):
But I'm grateful for her because she unsolicited gave you hers.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Then here James, she is and.
Speaker 4 (12:03):
She said call me tonight.
Speaker 5 (12:04):
I got ideas, And I'm grateful that she cares enough
to want to do that, and she's a very.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
Smart, successful lady.
Speaker 5 (12:10):
So I'm gonna call her and I'm gonna take more
of that unsolicited advice. But you know what, I love
that she reached out and did that because a lot
of times when I think when people do that, when
they reach out, it's not something that you have to
take personally or take as a You don't have to
process it as saying, oh, I'm no good because people
are telling me I got to change, just fix that,
(12:32):
do better at that. That's you know, that's not you
don't have to receive it that way. So a lot
of stuff I think in life is subjective rather than objective,
and the way that you receive it and frame it,
I think is so important. You know, you've heard like
when when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Speaker 4 (12:50):
Well, and my version of.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
That is when life gives you bruised bananas, you make
delicious banana bread.
Speaker 5 (12:58):
And my favorite is when life gives you shataki, make fertilizer.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
Because I was listening to.
Speaker 5 (13:05):
A podcast the other day and you know, when you're
trying to grow a garden and you put that fertilizer down,
it sticks, It reeks. It's like, oh man, this is awful,
but you know that is just fuel for the beautiful
plants that are going to grow, and they couldn't grow
without that shataki. Yeah, and so sometimes when that happens
in life and we feel like we had a bucket
(13:26):
of shataki poured over our heads, it might just be
fertilizer for beautiful growth to come. So the way that
you process that kind of feedback in life, I think
so important.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
Yeah. Actually, I've been saying that for thirty years, and
it's part of the model that every uncomfortable, ugly, smelling,
distasteful part of life. Pain and life is mandatory. Suffering
is optional. But when you go into that hole that
(13:57):
everybody has in front of them, they're afraid to go
because they think they're going to be humpty dumpty and
jump in and never come out whole again. It's the work.
That's the work, is to go in there and figure
out that you know you're not gonna fall forever. There
is a bottom of that hole, and when you start
digging out the shataki, you find yourself this beautiful seat
(14:20):
on the bottom. And then you take that same chataki
and put it back as fertilizer to grow you. So
I absolutely that's I think tantamount to really being a
personal master of your life is to really know that
everything happens for your divide investment. Nothing has happened happening
(14:42):
to you to punish you or to your life miserable.
So my only job is to say, I can't wait
to see what good comes love this. Yes, that's my
key question, and i'll i'll say that that is my
secret sauce in life is my ability to uh convert
(15:06):
to taking into fertilizer on a moment by moment basis. Those
of you know I cannot fly for a year. In fact,
I went to the humatologists yesterday again for a follow up.
They had taken six different tests to see if it
was my body that was generating the clots, not flying.
So this was the very first time I was hoping
(15:28):
a test would be positive instead of negative, and unfortunately
my body does not make plots. It is the flying.
So I definitely will never be able to do the
tour schedule that I had planned out.
Speaker 4 (15:45):
Seven or just for the time being until further test.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
No, this is this is, this is it. I had
to come to and I cried in the office, and
I cried after. I'll probably cry again, you know, because
that's part of the process of healing. But I have
to accept that. And you know, he said, can you
do national instead of international tours? And it's like, sure,
(16:12):
I can. But my love is, you know, being able
to have that consecutive, So I can't have the consecutive.
I might be able to do one or two internationals
a year, but they have to be separated. So it's
you know, and and again my strength is that I
am I'm going to feel the feelings and then I'm
(16:36):
going to look for the incredible reason why this is happening,
which will be revealed to me, maybe not today or tomorrow,
maybe even next year, but at some point in my life,
I know I'm going to look back and go, wow,
look at what happened because I didn't go on tour
because I have been grapped. So yeah, that's a superpower
(16:59):
of mine.
Speaker 5 (17:00):
I think that's an important takeaway for all of us
to remember. I mean, all you can do, you do
what you can, and sometimes, you know, life throws you
circumstances that feel unfair, undeserved, and it's easy to throw
a pity party and be like, woe is me? And
once again, the way that you process your circumstances is everything.
Speaker 6 (17:22):
You know.
Speaker 5 (17:23):
You hear about people that are paralyzed from the waist
down and they end up living these incredible lives, and
who knows, maybe without that they wouldn't have had that fire,
that motivation to do all the things that they ultimately did.
So really, when circumstances get placed upon you, the way
you process it and what you do, the attitude you
(17:44):
take really determines your altitude. So hey, even if you
can't fly because of blood cloths, well it's not some
doctor's test. It's going to determine your altitude. It's your attitude.
And you do a great job of that. And I
think that it's an important less for all of us.
It's so easy to get into that defeatist mindset woe
is me, But you know, you have a choice no
(18:07):
matter how bad it gets. I think the only thing
worse than circumstances that get placed upon you is just
to decide, Well, that's it for me, because living life
in a posture of having given up man, I can't
think of anything worse because that pretty much guarantees that
nothing really great is going to come unless dumb luck
(18:29):
falls in your lap. And that's not a way that
I want to live. So no matter how bad it gets,
you always have that choice. And it might feel like
you gotta do a lot of digging to make it.
But the alternative just seems so bleak that I would
say it's truly no choice at all. Crime the tears right,
you have to feel the feelings, but man, the alternative
(18:51):
not making the most of what you got, that just
seems truly sad.
Speaker 6 (18:56):
You know.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Yeah, that's why I call it balance all the time.
Is uh, you know, it's important to feel your feelings,
but then you know how long are you going to
feel them? Like when it when it's to the point
where you're drowning your feelings, that's probably not really helpful.
But uh, you know those people who say, uh, can't
(19:18):
passes past, can't change it. You know, don't pull your
pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You're also not giving
yourself the doorway to be human and beautifully human with
all of the the spectrum of emotions. So if you
don't let yourself be sad, you're not going to be
(19:39):
able to feel happy, right, because it's like a dumb waiter.
You know, I'm not calling waiters dumb. I am saying
the old door they're going to rename that soon. Um sure,
the elevator that closes like this, So you have to
feel it, but don't drown in your feelings. So that's
certainly the balance. And why not. I always think.
Speaker 5 (20:00):
About I'm gonna throw my personal moose on the table,
regarding that. I used to see somebody that was all
motivation all the time in my own mind. But sometimes
when you be too loud of a cheerleader for yourself,
you can deny, you know, the fullness of the human experience,
and it can start to feel overwhelming. And then sometimes
you kind of have this cognitive dissonance between what the
(20:23):
world is throwing at you and the way that you want.
Speaker 4 (20:26):
To perceive yourself.
Speaker 5 (20:27):
I wanted to see myself as a positive, motivational person
so much, but sometimes you just don't freaking feel like it.
And I remember one time I was just sick of it.
I had reached like the end of the personal lies,
even though the intentions were good, the personal lies of
trying to be even though I was trying to be
(20:48):
something good. It was having a bad effect, and I
remember someone asked me, hey, how you do it. I
don't know if it was in the grocery line or whatever,
the person that was, you know, ringing up my groceries.
Speaker 4 (20:57):
And I just said, not good, not good at all.
Speaker 5 (21:00):
But I really appreciate you asking thank you for carry
And they were like, oh wow, okay, well god, I
hope it turns around for you.
Speaker 4 (21:10):
And what a freedom that was.
Speaker 5 (21:12):
I remember the first time I actually answered that question honestly,
instead of giving the compulsory hey, I'm good. Thanks, but
being like no, I'm not, I said, you know what, No,
you asked, I'll tell you I'm not gonna empty I'm
not gonna empty my bucket, and you know, slow down
the line behind me.
Speaker 4 (21:27):
But you asked, I'll tell you.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Yeah, that's great. Yeah, yeah, it's all about balance. And
that's a very long breakfast we've had. We are happy
that you joined us. Please consider joining me every weekday
morning here on the show. Every single day I'm here
having breakfast to start with. If you do do this
(21:53):
exercise is good life. Have it called taking a bite
of my gratitude sandwich. I promise you will and your
day in the most positive way. Thanks for joining us
for breakfast, I know, for the topic of the day
(22:16):
that says everything is awesome? James. What is the topic
for straight Talk with doctor Mersa.
Speaker 4 (22:26):
And James Author.
Speaker 5 (22:29):
So we're going to talk about the idea of entering
into to quote top Gun Maverick, a target rich environment.
So we're going to talk about how to meet people
outside of the apps and setting yourself up for that
success or at least setting yourself up for opportunity, because.
Speaker 4 (22:47):
Hey, all we want is a chance.
Speaker 5 (22:49):
Then we're going to talk about the different ways to
meet people in the wild and how to hopefully turn that.
Speaker 4 (22:56):
Into meaningful connections, dates, et cetera.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
It's so funny when he tested me that and he
continues to say that in the wild, like I've got
this cave man, you know, wilder beast. You know, let's
find a date.
Speaker 4 (23:16):
That you go there.
Speaker 5 (23:18):
I go to like African Safari, and I'm like, you know,
thinking like urn, I'm a lion, and hey, that's a
beautiful because look at them mockings on it just goes
tyste so good, you know, and just like like like
animals and the on the great planes, you know, pursuing
their either their baits or their their prey.
Speaker 4 (23:37):
And again, what an awful way to think about it.
But that's the image that pops into my mind.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
I just think like, yeah, vibes, and it's obvious I
have not been engaging for a while because I immediately
went to eating your prey. Anyways, it's Friday. I could
be a little naughty. That is the topic. So if
you have any experiences where you met someone, I would
(24:03):
love to hear some success stories. Lord knows, I've gotten
to the point where you know, I'd rather play candy
crush than go swipe. Like it's gotten that bad these
days where you know I've matched and it's like I
don't feel like conversing, so I need a little pep
(24:24):
talk to stay in the game, so to speak, and
stay in the dating game. Someone pointed out that maybe
that's why I'm grounded, is because I'm supposed to meet,
you know, someone blah blah blah, and I'm like, talk
to the hand, although I much prefer them say that.
(24:48):
Then well maybe this is for you. Just know that,
Oh man, I just want to like bot that person.
Do not tell me that. Obviously, that will push every
button and pick off every goat that I have and
activate every chip on my shoulder because I liked my
(25:09):
crazy schedule and not slowing down. So anyways, so how
do we get excited about dating without swiping Jane's You
always pick topics based on some kind of personal you know,
exposure or experience, So spill it.
Speaker 5 (25:34):
As I'm getting older, I am not in my you know,
go out and party till two am days. But that said,
sometimes my friends you know, like to go out to
West Hollywood, and so I go, and because of not
partying the way that I used to, I am of
clear mind and I go and I just enjoy because
I'm not going out all the time. It's sort of
like a tree. I enjoy seeing all these people and
(25:57):
meeting them. And this is a little bit of that
I'm fair advantage. I'm not shy. I'll go up to
a stranger and be like, hey, how you doing, you know, like.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
I like James makes me look shy. Okay, for those
of you who have no like relative, you know that
when he says that, honestly, I'm not kidding like people
people are like, No, nobody's as shy as you are,
doctor versa no, James is sure that I am sarcasm.
Speaker 5 (26:24):
Yeah, yeah, I mean, look for me, the sting of
rejection and I get rejected, believe it or not, I'm kidding.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
I do.
Speaker 4 (26:34):
Of course, I'm out of it. It's flavor.
Speaker 5 (26:36):
But the sting of that is not nearly as bad
as the sting of I saw the most beautiful guy
and I just I didn't say hi. I would rather
shoot my shot and fail then wonder what if? And then,
you know, because if I'm feeling lonely or alone, then
I have to hold myself accountable and go, well, you
had the chances to say hi, and he didn't do it.
(26:58):
And you can't catch a fish if you're lyne ain't
in the water. So I'll go up to people and
I'll just be like, hey, how you doing. I'm James.
I just wanted to come stay hi because I think
you're extremely attractive.
Speaker 4 (27:08):
How you doing? Like I will literally come right out
and say that. Now, you know, guys in a gay bar.
Speaker 5 (27:15):
Environment, that's you know, more acceptable. But the more I
think about it, I'm like, you could do that anywhere,
Like you could be at a coffee shop or a
bookstore and just be like, hey, how you doing.
Speaker 4 (27:29):
I'm Marissa. You don't know me. I just wanted to
say hi because I just think that you're very handsome.
How's your day coming?
Speaker 2 (27:36):
You know?
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (27:38):
I mean if it's a compliment and you're not doing
it in a hey, you're so hot, I don't think it's.
Speaker 4 (27:43):
Uncouth or anything to do that.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
One of my best relationships started that way was in
the farmer's market at the grove after the divorce. I'm
sure it was a rebound, but a very good looking guy.
Our eyes met across. He was waiting for his food
to be ordered. I was, you know that in the growth,
you know, you're sitting outside and those like yeah. So
(28:07):
I was sitting eating and I noticed him and he
looked at me, and I looked at him, and he
didn't make a move, So, you know, I went through
the whole meal. And then when he was, you know,
gonna leave getting his food, I said, Hi, my name
is Marissa. How are no?
Speaker 4 (28:26):
Hi?
Speaker 2 (28:26):
I'm Marissa. How do you like me? So far?
Speaker 4 (28:30):
There?
Speaker 2 (28:30):
You laugh? And we went on at the date and
it's kind of a sad story. We went on, yeah,
thank you, and he laughed and he laughed right right
right starts right right, and he's and we went on
(28:51):
a date and I thought it was just gonna you know,
he's he was a master student at you s uh,
I don't know, I can't remember. So anyways, he was
a master student, he was from Spain, and uh so
we went on a date. I didn't think it was gonna,
you know, be anything huge, and it ended up like
(29:13):
by our third date, we had this this really deep connection.
And on the first day I asked him if he
wanted kids and stuff like that, and he said yes.
And obviously he was just a little younger than I was.
I was, you know, I'm an age list. But and
then by the by like three months into it, he's
(29:35):
like he proposed because he was we were both like
so deeply connected, and I'm like, no, you know, not
that I don't want to be with you, but you
wanted to have children, and I am not going to
be the reason that you don't experience that beautiful, major,
significant part of life. And it was so sad. I'll
(29:58):
never forget. Like I drove Wayne and Josh Grogan's playing
and oh, what.
Speaker 4 (30:04):
A terrible thing that kind off to the radio.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
People looking into the rear view in the side marry
and he's crying. You know, I'm crying. Oh my gosh,
used to call me prince princess princes. I don't know
how to say it, but it looks beautiful wedding rites.
Speaker 5 (30:22):
Well, that was very selfless of you. Sometimes they say,
if you love someone, set them free.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Yeah, yeah, Well my version of that is, if you
love someone, let them go if they come back or yours.
If they don't come back, go hunt them down and
shoot them.
Speaker 4 (30:37):
That's one way to go about it. You know.
Speaker 5 (30:42):
I'm sensitive to that because I've been watching a lot
of Dexter lately and I'm like, oh, I'm like taking
all the killing stuff almost seriously, like literally, because I've
been watching way too much Dexter. But god, it's it's addictive.
What an amazing like premise and setup in the characters
in that show. But I'm all about trying to give
you advice, and because we just establish it we are
(31:02):
not shy people. I want to try to help those
that are maybe a little more shy than us, which
is probably almost everybody.
Speaker 4 (31:09):
So you know, went out in the wild and when you.
Speaker 5 (31:12):
Approach somebody to introduce yourself, I like starting with humor.
So if you can find something funny, that's always good
and you don't have to tell them that you think
they're attractive and in the like market.
Speaker 4 (31:26):
For example, if you know, if I'm figuring out if.
Speaker 5 (31:29):
I'm having a for me shy day, I'm like, what,
what's something I could talk to this person about? And like,
for me, it might be something like, hey, I've been
meaning to try that stand, how is it? How's the food?
And just chatting with them about like food and stuff
that they've tried, and just trying to create an organic
conversation around something that's not so akin to acceptance and rejection,
(31:53):
like how do you like me so far? Or me
saying you know, I think you're attractive, because then that
makes them have to decide whether they think you're active
or not. Pause for sneeze, break our listeners. I think
I may have developed an allergy to chlorine. I was
in a chlorine pool last night. I haven't been the
same since.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
People will do anything for a blessing.
Speaker 5 (32:17):
I'm gonna circle back to my point, but I'm gonna
I'm gonna mute while I blow my nose.
Speaker 4 (32:22):
Actually seconds, yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
Actually it's actually it's a good time for a break
because we are the mid point. We need to take
a break for news, weather, traffic and work for our sponsors.
So don't go away, We'll be right back. Your tune
to take by Advice. I'm not using a kid bounce
with Doctor Marissa in the morning show on Straight Up
(32:47):
with Myself and.
Speaker 4 (32:50):
Be congested James author.
Speaker 2 (32:52):
We'll be right back. Don't go away.
Speaker 7 (33:14):
Well, she has been dubbed the Asian Oprah and she
just wants all of us to be happy. Doctor Marissa
aka the Asian Oprah says, the most important thing you
can choose is choosing to be happy.
Speaker 8 (33:33):
You are tuned into my weekly talk radio TV show called.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
Take My Advice.
Speaker 8 (33:38):
I'm not using it with balance with Doctor Marissa.
Speaker 7 (33:52):
That's the idea for doctor Marissa Pay's new book call
Eight Ways to Be Happy.
Speaker 9 (33:58):
Many of us say I am my own worst critic.
Nobody's harder on me than I am. And my response
to that is stop it. Why are you doing that
to yourself? You have to be your biggest fan, because
if you can't, at the end of the day say
I did a good job, who is We don't have
(34:19):
to constantly be angry at the things that are wrong.
Why don't we choose to be happy about things that
are right? We have the choice. That's our muscle, and
life is so amazing if we can see it.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
With doctor Maurisapey.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
And we're back. You're tuned in to take my advice.
I'm not using it. Get balanced with doctor Marisa The
Morning show here on kayzy AA, NBC News Radio, home
to the Asian Oh Brah, remember when talking the ie
Thank you very much and streaming everywhere iHeartRadio, Spotify and
of course my YouTube TV channel where if you free
subscribe and give me the finger, this one not the
(35:20):
other one, you will get an alert every weekday morning
to tune in to the show about hope and happiness.
So we also have great topics, great people. If you
add great series. Yesterday was I'm getting a squirrel sound here?
Do you mind meeting your mic for a second?
Speaker 4 (35:40):
Let me do this? Is that better? I don't know.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
We'll see yesterday if you miss throwback Thursday, I had
on my beautiful twin sister Keiko Matsui. That is better.
I don't know what you did, but Keiko Matsui is
going to be performing at the Catalina jazz just well,
you know that that's one of my favorite sponsors, longtime sponsors.
So if you are looking for something to do for
(36:07):
two weekends in October, come join me at the Catalina
Jazz Festival because I am a lover of jazz and
I could use a date too. So Asian Oprah giveaway
is a ticket to It's October the ninth, so it's
(36:27):
either the ninth of the tenth, whatever night that Kiko
is performance. So that is your Asian Oprah giveaway and
you're tuned in a straight talk with myself.
Speaker 5 (36:37):
And James Hawthorne, and I'm gonna double down on that
and support you with that endeavor, Marissa, because you know
so many Angelino's right say, oh, I live in La
for ten years and i've'll live been to the beach twice. Well,
a lot of Angelina's haven't been out to Catalina Island
and it is absolutely gorgeous. I mean, when you get
out there, it's hard to tell if you're in Catalina
or Mediterranean Europe. And no that's not an exaggeration, having
(36:59):
been to both and that time of year is gorgeous.
So if not just for the jazz, do it to
take advantage of everything that southern California has to offer.
Speaker 4 (37:09):
It is worth the trip. You will thank us later,
I promise you that.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
Absolutely. Yeah. It's one of my favorite places because when
I was getting my Green card, I couldn't travel outside
of the States, and so on vacation, I went to
Katalina Island by myself and I'll never forget. I had dinner.
I went to pay for it and the hostess said
it's already been taken care of. And I said, who
(37:35):
can I think? And they said they're already gone. They
just wanted to appreciate the sight of a beautiful woman
having dinner. Is that nice or luckily?
Speaker 5 (37:47):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (37:47):
So I love Kathleen Island. I will always be.
Speaker 4 (37:51):
Now.
Speaker 2 (37:52):
To balance that out, I also met my husband who
cost me millions, So you know it's all balancing.
Speaker 4 (38:00):
Hey, you know, don't don't what do they say, don't
don't tate.
Speaker 5 (38:05):
I don't know what the metaphor is, but that place is,
you know, don't hate the place, hate.
Speaker 4 (38:10):
The players some of them?
Speaker 5 (38:14):
Right, Hey, I want to get back to the advice
for shy people related at least in comparison.
Speaker 4 (38:19):
To us, because we are probably the leaf shy people.
Speaker 5 (38:23):
In any room, and I was going to say that,
you know, if you can find a topic like to
talk to them about with the hope of generating organic conversations,
sometimes that's an easy way in to just get to
know somebody. And at the end you could say, hey,
I really love chatting with you. I'm James. You know,
would you like to grab a coffee sometime? And you know,
you can slow play it. And then the other thing
(38:46):
that I want to say about it is sometimes we're
not the best conversationalists, and sometimes conversational peter out, so
there's always the last ditch effort. So let's say it's
that farmers market vibe and you talk to them about
the food, and the conversation is not going anywhere. You
can always go to confessional and say, I have a
confession to make. I didn't just come over here to
(39:08):
talk to you about the food. I've been sitting over
there and I just think that you're very attractive and
I just.
Speaker 4 (39:12):
Wanted to say hello.
Speaker 5 (39:13):
And then if they seem flattered and taken by that,
then you can you know, then at least the moose
is on the table, and it takes a little bit
of courage. But you know, sometimes the approach doesn't have
to be the way that me and Marissa approach, which
is I think you're attractive, Hi on Marissa, high on James.
Speaker 4 (39:30):
It can be more subtle.
Speaker 5 (39:31):
But if the conversation peters, you could always go back
to the moose on the table and say, I have
a confession, which is funny.
Speaker 4 (39:38):
And I think people that usually.
Speaker 5 (39:41):
Appreciate that vulnerability because there's courage in that, and I
think it only reflects well on you when you have
the courage to be that vulnerable. And if you do
get rejected, remember the circumstances and the stuff that happens.
It's how you perceive it and frame it that makes everything,
because there's a lot of subjectivity in that, which means
(40:03):
that you have a choice with how you take that.
The same night in West Hollywood that I was out
with friends, I got two numbers, but I also.
Speaker 4 (40:12):
Was rejected twice.
Speaker 5 (40:13):
I said, Hey, I'm James, how's it going, And they
were just like, we're good tanks, and they literally turned
their back on me and walked away. And then I
turned around and I just started laughing to myself in
the middle of this crowded dance floor because of this,
like wow, they can't even entertain a short conversation Like
I just thought that was funny and interesting, and I said,
(40:33):
you know what, so be it. That's I'm gonna choose
to say. That's more reflection on them than me. I
brush my teeth, my breath doesn't stink tonight, I'm dressed well,
and I was polite, So all right, that's not on me.
And so don't take it personally if it doesn't work out.
So that's my advice to everybody else that might not
(40:55):
be as chatty or bold as me and Marissa pro
we are in the wild.
Speaker 2 (41:02):
Yeah, I think the whole don't think take things personally
is so important. When I love that he's just not
that into you or they're just not that into me.
Taking the zing out of that will free you to
approach people, because I know myself, like if there's someone
(41:24):
that's really good looking, immediately I go into oh, they're
not going to be interested in me, or all those voices.
Like my brother at one point said to me, you're
aiming too high. You know, you're not as attractive as
you think you are, and they're not looking for they're
looking for really hot. I know he was in a
bad mood, but that is you know, it's not about uh,
(41:52):
are you good enough for someone? Are you attractive enough
for someone? It really is about is there match? That's it.
So I've taught this to my daughters. Really well, I
need to listen to it myself. That way, rejection is
not that big of a deal. And I would say,
in James's example, to people who just went thanks but
(42:14):
no thanks, you don't know what's going Maybe they got
scolded for chatting with someone by their partner. You know,
we don't know why people acting the way they are
or but we have a tendency if we haven't fixed
our own sense of I'm okay, you're okay, No, I'm
really okay with or without your approval, then you know
(42:39):
you're not going to want to go out into the wild.
So as much as possible, if you cannot go to
MSU University which is making shittaki up and the story
about why they're doing certain things, the better. That way
you can just go is it a match? Nope? One date?
You know you were all excited about going out and
(43:02):
then go out on the date and it's a disaster.
Oh well, was it a match, nothing personal except that
it's like this.
Speaker 5 (43:11):
It's not like this, and I hate to break it
to everybody. You're not going to be everyone's type. You're
not going to be liked by everybody. And that's just
you know, the way that human beings are as as
part of being a human on this planet. I mean,
things that someone might love about you, like one of
your closest friends, someone else might find it irritating and grading.
Speaker 4 (43:30):
And that's fine.
Speaker 5 (43:31):
I mean, I would much rather die on the sort
of authenticity than trying to mold myself to please other people.
That said, if a few people are telling me that
I have a certain habit or things that's annoying, I'm
going to look at that and maybe think about changing it.
You know, you don't have to be stubborn in your authenticity,
but you know.
Speaker 4 (43:50):
You just might not be someone's type, and you might
be someone else's.
Speaker 5 (43:53):
Type, and I think you have to learn to be
okay with that, because that's just what it is to
be a human being, and if you truly love yourself,
it won't bother you so much that you're not everyone's type.
I heard an interesting statistic that twenty five percent of
the people you meet aren't going to like you for
whatever reason, and they're never going to be persuaded to
(44:15):
like you. You're just not their cup of tea. Another
twenty five percent of people aren't going to like you,
but they could be persuaded to like you if they
give you time, give you a chance.
Speaker 4 (44:26):
Then there's twenty.
Speaker 5 (44:27):
Five percent of people who like you, but they could
be persuaded not to like you, maybe because of they're
susceptible to other people's opinions and pure influids, and they.
Speaker 4 (44:37):
Might decide that they don't like you after all.
Speaker 5 (44:39):
Then there's twenty five percent of people that you just
hit it off with. And I think that it's best
to focus on that top fifty percent and just kind
of ignore the other fifty percent, be polite to will
not ignore them, but you know, ignore how their opinion
of you affects you. Focus on that top fifty percent.
That's a lot of people still, and just know that,
(45:01):
you know, that's just the law of averages, and you know,
focus on that top twenty five percent and you know,
just be the best person you can, and that next
twenty five percent won't end up turning on you, because
no matter what anybody says about you, or if the
rest of the pure group or whatever doesn't like you,
they're not going to be persuaded if all you've done is,
(45:22):
you know, shown them reasons to like you. So I
think that's an important thing to keep in mind.
Speaker 2 (45:27):
Yeah, I had never heard of that statistic, and it's
particularly appropriate for perfectionists, who even if you have ninety
nine people like you and one person doesn't, a perfection
is just going to hone in on that one person
that doesn't like them and try to get them to
like you. So it's a real skill to be able
(45:48):
to focus on what is there versus what is not there,
and a lot of people don't do that. A lot
of people are focused trying to make that one person
like them. When you've got you know, case endpoint. You know,
I well, I'm very active on social because of what
I do, and I'm so grateful for the beautiful comments
(46:11):
I got amazing and beautiful and brilliant and all these
beautiful comments. And then there'll be one person who says something,
you know, not complimentary, and it's my choice whether to
hone in on that one, which I have a superpower.
I just delete you know, I don't even like how
(46:32):
dare there? Blah blah blah. They're in that twenty five
percent or whatever that is that I can just go
talk to the hand. I'm sorry. If I look like you,
I'd be miserable too. I don't say that, but not
out loud. But it's like that whole exercise of getting
people to like you who just don't. And it's okay,
(46:53):
And that's a huge If you can make the choice
to not look there, you're gonna have a happier life.
Speaker 5 (47:00):
Yes, now, you know, it's funny because it's a simple
thing to talk about and it's simple to say, you know,
this is all you have to do, and you will
be happy because it's not a complicated thing.
Speaker 4 (47:13):
But it is hard. And this goes back to what
you said during hard is it, well, give me a moment.
Speaker 2 (47:20):
No, it's second.
Speaker 5 (47:25):
During breakfast with gratitude, seventy five percent of the thoughts
in our head are negative. So let's just assume for
a moment that our default state is in fact pretty negative.
Speaker 4 (47:36):
So if that is our default wiring to do.
Speaker 5 (47:40):
This practice that we've been talking about, it's not easy.
It's going to take mindfulness, presence of mind, that that
meditative posture of observing your thoughts and taking inventory. It's
going to take work to do it, but the work
is so worth it, especially if you know that, you know,
if your own thoughts are often kind of the enemy,
(48:02):
you have to take that time to create that positivity,
to feed the positive wolf, not the negative wolf. And
you know it's a practice, but when you do that practice,
the sting of rejection, you won't fixate on that one
out of one hundred or even the fifty out of
one hundred that really aren't so much on your side.
(48:24):
And so it's hard, but it's worth it is you know,
I want people. I don't want to be too high
in the sky with the positivity. I want to acknowledge that,
you know, if our default state is seventy five percent negative,
it takes daily effort to change that, but it's doable
and it's within our grasp.
Speaker 2 (48:42):
But it really does hit on something that I it's mybs,
my belief system that a lot of that's the angst
that people feel these days. A lot of the fear
or self consciousness as being a bad thing, or you know,
they're they're worrying or they're anxious. All of that stems,
(49:06):
not all of it, but a lot of it stems
from our weaker muscle because we haven't practiced the whole.
You're the boss of you, right, and yes it is positive,
and yes it is you know, sounds simple, but there
(49:27):
is a level of it is simple. And the habit
that a lot of people have gotten into because we
have abdicated our choice or our muscle of no that's
not true, or no that doesn't matter to me, or no,
let's not look at that like that is a weaker
(49:49):
muscle that many of us. We start the day, you know,
letting producers hijack our attention. Right, nobody has gone to
your hea head to scroll, nobody right, and then you
complain about what's going on around because you just did that.
(50:10):
That's that's the fundamental muscle that gets that has led
to where we are right now. You know, it's great
to say, oh, yeah, I'm not feeling good. That's self awareness, okay, fine.
However then to say I'm gonna take something outside of
myself to feel better. No, look at your why are
(50:32):
you not feeling good while I'm thinking about worst case scenario? Well,
had that ever happened to you before. No, well, why
are you choosing to think that way? Well, because I
read that and it's like, no, you don't have to
do that. Don't people know around me. Don't send me
anything that is a warning about anything, first of all,
(50:56):
because usually it's not real, right, And I don't live
in that world. And that's a blissfulin that is not
a Pollyanna positive. It's a choice. I don't want to
be pissed off. I don't want to be in touch
with my pisophtness all day long. So when I don't
like when I'm looked at that, I don't look at it.
(51:16):
That's why I don't want the news.
Speaker 5 (51:18):
Yeah, you know, scrolling and what information you take in
is I think a big part of it. And then
the second part is, like we talked about earlier, the
inventory of your mind. Sometimes you can wake up and
all of a sudden, the worries and the stressors if
you're feeling overwhelmed, can can flood your brain and then
you're you're basically setting yourself up to live that day
(51:42):
with white knuckles. And so you know, that's where writing
it all down and emptying the head and then you
can look at it all and then you can you
can have it list and be like, Okay, what can
I control?
Speaker 4 (51:54):
What can I control?
Speaker 5 (51:55):
That's number one, and then number two is out of
what I can control? What is an a list priority?
What do I absolutely have to get done today? And
if you think you can get six of those things done,
just hold yourself accountable for three and call it a win.
And then you've you've tackled the biggest stuff first, and
then you've taken all this noise in your head and
(52:15):
come up with a manageable strategy to not let fear, anxiety,
a sense of being overwhelmed take you over.
Speaker 2 (52:22):
So this somebody just asked me, what does this have
to do with the topic and the day.
Speaker 4 (52:29):
I was just going to come back to that. This
is a very self healthy today, which is fine.
Speaker 5 (52:34):
So I'm going to bring it back and give one
more piece of advice that I think also speaks to
people that are more shy than us, which is almost everybody.
And I'm not saying I'm not too doing my own horn.
Sometimes being as bold as we are gets us into trouble.
I know I can attest to that. But you know, Bill,
think about meeting people rather than the individual, make the
(52:54):
effort on building the community. So I play on a
softball team, but it's a bunch of you know, old
straight guys. I'm not going to find my romantic partner there.
But if I join one of the many gay sports leagues,
that's something. Another thing is, you know I like to
do triathlons, I should be joining triathlon. You know groups
(53:15):
and just when you meet other like minded individuals, even
if there's not a person that you're interested in dating
in that group, when you build your community, you have
no idea what events or connections will transpire. All of
a sudden you're meeting their friends, and you know the
butterfly effect, three degrees of connection. Down the line, you
might meet your partner through a party of a friend
(53:38):
that you made at the group, and then they invited
you to their friends party.
Speaker 4 (53:41):
In boom, you find somebody.
Speaker 5 (53:43):
And it all goes back to making the decision to
join into a community with like minded individuals or people
that just like doing something that you like to do.
So my last piece of advice on meeting people in
the wild is find people to do the things you
love with and get to know those people because you
already have something in common, so I think that's a
(54:04):
pretty low barrier to entry, and who knows what can transpire,
but at least you're putting lots of lines in the
water to catch that that beautiful fish.
Speaker 2 (54:15):
Yeah. I just had a thought that, you know, it's
funny I'm swiping on profiles and then I'll say, love
to go into live sporting events or love sports. And
there's certain sports that I love and I've been watching
them with my beautiful ninety five year old bonus dad.
But I just had a thought. It's like, well, I
(54:37):
could go back to the old school and actually go
to a bar like I used to to watch Monday
night football or you know, Sunday football. I love, you know,
I love football. So why am I, you know, looking
at a profile saying that they like to do that
when I could actually go back into the wild and
(54:58):
watch games like I used to. So there you go,
practical application. Thank you so much for joining us to
the final word from co host James Hawthorn on Straight
Talk on alternative swiping, trying to keep ourselves motivated to
continue to date.
Speaker 5 (55:18):
Finally, yes, rather than a final word as a wrap up,
I'll give one last piece of advice. We are designed
to be of service. We feel good when we can
help others. I'm going to go so far as to
say it's a basic human need. So yes, you have
to put your own oxygen mask on first. But ironically,
one of the ways to do that is to go
out and help others. So if there's a cause that
(55:39):
you care about or it would make you feel good
to volunteer or help, guess what. The people you meet
while you're doing that are automatically good people because they're
out there giving back and helping and serving. So from
a character standpoint, you know you're going to meet people
of good character. And you can carve out one hour
a week to go volunteer somewhere and do something, you're
gonna meet other people and that's going to be a
(56:01):
community of winners in your life. And who knows where
that may lead in your dating life. So that's my
third of three tips for going that's leading great.
Speaker 2 (56:10):
Well, that is a great tip. I did not think
of that, and certainly I have time to do that,
I know, So a great tip, James, and I hope
you continue. I'm talking to myself. My final word is
even though I do feel sometimes that it is better
(56:34):
to be on my own because I can do what
I want, when I want, how I want. That there
is value. I'm doing a commercial for myself. There's value
in having a relationship to play in life with. So
that was for me, not for anybody else. So I
(56:56):
will try to live up to my own advice. But
the name of the show is take my advice on
Are you doing it? Get balls with doctor Verssa. Thanks
so much for joining us today. Please toe to J
and L Jewelry tomorrow between twelve and four. I'm doing
a reading at one and at two free champagne twenty
(57:18):
five percent off of jewelry at the store thanks to
the good folks at JNL Jewelry. So it's all about ballance,
peace in peace, out world peace through inter piece James.
Speaker 5 (57:31):
Take us out now, have the best weekend and next
week ever.
Speaker 2 (57:37):
Woo.
Speaker 6 (57:44):
You're listening to KCAA your good neighbor along the way.
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Six point five and streaming everywhere. iHeartRadio, Spotify, I too,
start Audible, Amazon Music, Tlive, Rumble, patis a streaker, spreaker
and more. And uh, this is a show about hope
and happiness. So there's no gossip, no scandal, no kwords,
no Kardashian talk, no tea talk, no politics, no religion.
(01:17):
Why because I want to keep you eighty eight percent happy.
You can get the headlines everywhere else, but here it's
the heart lines. And we want things that we can
learn from to laugh about, to smile about, to joke about,
and to even get a little naughty about since it
is Friday and it is time for my fallo. Less
(01:37):
co hosts every other week on Straight Talk with myself.
Speaker 4 (01:42):
And James Hawthorne. Hello, everybody, Welcome.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Back to the studio. James, it's been a little bent's
been like a California minute, So let's just acknoledge that
and let's launch right into the taking a bite of
my gratitude sandwich for breakfast, which is a good life,
(02:09):
having a hashtag discipline that I do on the show
for the last few years. So, James, what are you
grateful for?
Speaker 4 (02:18):
I'm grateful for friends that have your back.
Speaker 5 (02:21):
I have one in particular, and we're working on a
lot of exciting projects together, and you know, it's just
nice to know that we can call each other and
count on each other to, you know.
Speaker 4 (02:31):
Help us move forward through this thing called life together.
Speaker 5 (02:33):
And you know, it's just it's comforting to know that
when times get tough, you're you're not in it by yourself.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Absolutely. Top of the bune is things that we're grateful
for outside of ourselves, whereas bottom of the bun because
I like it on the bottom, although I haven't been
there in a long time TM I is things that
we're grateful for inside of ourselves or another words, appreciation,
as Abraham Hicks will say, what do you like abound yourself?
(03:05):
And that we do before we go to bed tonight.
So we're modeling that for you. So you wait the
first thing in the morning, you're grateful for things. When
you're looking last thing before you go to bed, you're
grateful four things inside of yourself. And that's the exercise
that we're in the middle of. If you'd like to
play along, please do in the chat. We love it
when you give us your eight cents worth opinion and
(03:26):
your gratitudes. Please do not do it if you're driving
right now listening on the A M F M side.
So gratitude. I am grateful that I have a new
love and support for the Dodgers because of my co host.
You didn't even notice that I had my Dodger wear on,
(03:47):
did you?
Speaker 4 (03:51):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Yeah, that is it. Yeah, and the promo that went out.
Everybody just loves it when I make a fool out
of myself. But when I'm dancing in front of I
think it's tawmy Lesorda's bobbing head at the at the
end of the ball park. So I'm grateful that I
(04:13):
got to interview his wife that was really at it.
When I was doing a lot more on location broadcasting
with my New York News agency. I think I'm going
to start doing that again. I forgot about that now
that I'm not on what airplane. But I'm grateful that
I've had a chance to. Kershaw was another one I interviewed.
(04:38):
I've gotten to interview a lot of really great people
already in my life, so I'm grateful for that.
Speaker 5 (04:46):
I'm grateful A lot of my gratitude stuff always comes
back to people, because you know, I just good relationships
in your life just makes the world go around, whether
it's friendships, romantic or family. And I'm grateful for friends
and give it to me straight that you know, I
have the curve.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
Just say, you know, James, I think.
Speaker 5 (05:01):
That you could be doing better if and you know,
sometimes they say never give unsolicited advice.
Speaker 4 (05:08):
Well, close friends, that's in the job description. I think sometimes.
Speaker 5 (05:12):
Nice to be you know, it means that they're looking
out for you and that you're thinking about you, and
that they care about.
Speaker 4 (05:20):
You, even if sometimes what you hear might not feel good.
Speaker 5 (05:23):
It's like when you have a wound and they you know,
they put some rubbing alcohol on it.
Speaker 4 (05:28):
It's a disinfected and it wakes you up.
Speaker 5 (05:31):
And I had an experience with that this past week,
and I'm just grateful that they, you know, had the
courage to offer an unsolicited opinion.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
There you go, I'll remember that.
Speaker 5 (05:45):
Oh you're not shy, honey, you don't need any help
of that, darling.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Yeah, tough. What was it somebody was listening to me
dictate something. Oh, I was a Yeah, I was at
a getting some part of my body done, and they go, oh,
remind me to ask you what to say when I
have to confront somebody. So anyways, oddly enough, I ended
(06:15):
up having to confront him, which is the irony of
the whole thing. Yeah, I am grateful that every problem
is an opportunity to exercise my creative, innovative problem solving juices,
My creative juices that I drink every morning, and that
(06:38):
I can, Oh, that's already bottom of the bun, but
I'll dip there. That is one of the qualities that
I appreciate about myself. I like my ability to turn
problems into jigsaw huzzles.
Speaker 5 (06:56):
I guess this is you know what, I'm gonna save
this one for the bottom of the bugs more bottom
of the butt.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Kind of well, go ahead, go ahead and do it,
because I kind of will go back to the top
in the second. We can do multiple positions today.
Speaker 5 (07:08):
Hey, let's have some fun, you know, why be choosey,
let's be versatile, as they call it. I would like
to I'm good at I like that I'm able to
when I'm feeling unrest or I like that I'm able
to tune into my thoughts and not just be a
(07:29):
victim of them. That I can kind of take a
deep breath, separate and see what's on my mind and
see what thought patterns and things are serving me versus
those that are just taking my circumstances and making them worse.
You know, I'm a big believer that belief is reality.
And if you don't check your thoughts and you let
(07:51):
them kind of run rampant, they can create a false
narrative for what is going on.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
In your life. And if you can separate yourself from that.
Speaker 5 (08:00):
For me, it requires journaling, you know, writing them out,
just you know, I can get them all out and
then see what's been on my mind, and then I
can look at it and say which thoughts are based
you know, our objective truth and which are just my
spin on it because I'm anxious or depressed about something,
(08:21):
which thoughts have you know, spin on them based on
my circumstances, and which are actual reflections of the truth.
And in effect, you know, meditation is so powerful because
it allows you to observe your thoughts rather than them
kind of engage, you know, running you And I'm I'm
(08:41):
I guess describing a non traditional meditation version of just
writing the thoughts out and kind of looking at them
and analyzing them. And that's another way that you can
master your sense of inner peace. And I like that
I've figured out a to do that to sort of
(09:01):
catch myself instead of spiraling when things get get tougher
I'm feeling anxious or you know, depressed about circumstances or things.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Yep, it's you are not the critic in your head.
You're not the thoughts in your head. And thank God
for that, because fifty thoughts. I always forget the statistic,
but forty two point seven percent of statistics are made
up on the spot anyways, So but what seventy five
(09:30):
percent of fifty thousand random non random thoughts. We have
an air negative. So if you believe your own bs,
your belief systems, you're not going to be in a
very good food certainly not eighty eight percent happy. I'm
a great full for.
Speaker 4 (09:52):
This.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Tomorrow I get to be it at JNL Fine Jewelry,
first time I love. First I'm doing a book signing
at a jewelry store. You get free champagne, twenty five
percent off if you have you know, pre Christmas ideas
for the women or I shouldn't say women, anybody that
(10:13):
likes jewelry in your life. That's tomorrow, and I get
to do a book signing locally. I'm supposed to be
in Ireland this month, Ireland and Hawaii, but hey, I'm
at the traffic circle and find people at jn L
Jewelry are hosting my book signing, So I'll see you
(10:35):
between twelve and four tomorrow, anyone who is local. I know, James,
you're working so you don't have to come down, but
I just wanted to say I'm really grateful that even
though I'm not on tour internationally, I can be on
tour locally. There you go.
Speaker 4 (10:56):
One more gratitude, gratitude or things that I like about myself.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
We haven't sufficiently taken that bite out of the top
of the line.
Speaker 4 (11:07):
You got it.
Speaker 5 (11:08):
Yeah, We're We're not doing those those you know, thin
little bread strips. We're going full carbohydrate, full slices of
bread today.
Speaker 4 (11:16):
I am grateful for my mom. I I made a.
Speaker 5 (11:19):
Post on Instagram something that really spoke to me regarding,
you know, excuses that I hear from clients about not
having time to work out and that being a reason
why they don't get started on trying.
Speaker 4 (11:32):
To make their health and fitness better. And I love her.
Speaker 5 (11:35):
She says, James, your tone is too scolding. You're you're
you do you attract more flies with how you're other
than vinegar? And I said, I know, I know, Mom.
I I am a motivational, loving person as a trainer.
But sometimes you got to tell people, hey, what you're
thinking a true and so sometimes you got to hold
people accountable.
Speaker 4 (11:53):
So different tones for different content.
Speaker 5 (11:55):
But I'm grateful for her because she unsolicited gave you hers.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Then here James, she is and.
Speaker 4 (12:03):
She said call me tonight.
Speaker 5 (12:04):
I got ideas, And I'm grateful that she cares enough
to want to do that, and she's a very.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
Smart, successful lady.
Speaker 5 (12:10):
So I'm gonna call her and I'm gonna take more
of that unsolicited advice. But you know what, I love
that she reached out and did that because a lot
of times when I think when people do that, when
they reach out, it's not something that you have to
take personally or take as a You don't have to
process it as saying, oh, I'm no good because people
are telling me I got to change, just fix that,
(12:32):
do better at that. That's you know, that's not you
don't have to receive it that way. So a lot
of stuff I think in life is subjective rather than objective,
and the way that you receive it and frame it,
I think is so important. You know, you've heard like
when when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Speaker 4 (12:50):
Well, and my version of.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
That is when life gives you bruised bananas, you make
delicious banana bread.
Speaker 5 (12:58):
And my favorite is when life gives you shataki, make fertilizer.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
Because I was listening to.
Speaker 5 (13:05):
A podcast the other day and you know, when you're
trying to grow a garden and you put that fertilizer down,
it sticks, It reeks. It's like, oh man, this is awful,
but you know that is just fuel for the beautiful
plants that are going to grow, and they couldn't grow
without that shataki. Yeah, and so sometimes when that happens
in life and we feel like we had a bucket
(13:26):
of shataki poured over our heads, it might just be
fertilizer for beautiful growth to come. So the way that
you process that kind of feedback in life, I think
so important.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
Yeah. Actually, I've been saying that for thirty years, and
it's part of the model that every uncomfortable, ugly, smelling,
distasteful part of life. Pain and life is mandatory. Suffering
is optional. But when you go into that hole that
(13:57):
everybody has in front of them, they're afraid to go
because they think they're going to be humpty dumpty and
jump in and never come out whole again. It's the work.
That's the work, is to go in there and figure
out that you know you're not gonna fall forever. There
is a bottom of that hole, and when you start
digging out the shataki, you find yourself this beautiful seat
(14:20):
on the bottom. And then you take that same chataki
and put it back as fertilizer to grow you. So
I absolutely that's I think tantamount to really being a
personal master of your life is to really know that
everything happens for your divide investment. Nothing has happened happening
(14:42):
to you to punish you or to your life miserable.
So my only job is to say, I can't wait
to see what good comes love this. Yes, that's my
key question, and i'll i'll say that that is my
secret sauce in life is my ability to uh convert
(15:06):
to taking into fertilizer on a moment by moment basis. Those
of you know I cannot fly for a year. In fact,
I went to the humatologists yesterday again for a follow up.
They had taken six different tests to see if it
was my body that was generating the clots, not flying.
So this was the very first time I was hoping
(15:28):
a test would be positive instead of negative, and unfortunately
my body does not make plots. It is the flying.
So I definitely will never be able to do the
tour schedule that I had planned out.
Speaker 4 (15:45):
Seven or just for the time being until further test.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
No, this is this is, this is it. I had
to come to and I cried in the office, and
I cried after. I'll probably cry again, you know, because
that's part of the process of healing. But I have
to accept that. And you know, he said, can you
do national instead of international tours? And it's like, sure,
(16:12):
I can. But my love is, you know, being able
to have that consecutive, So I can't have the consecutive.
I might be able to do one or two internationals
a year, but they have to be separated. So it's
you know, and and again my strength is that I
am I'm going to feel the feelings and then I'm
(16:36):
going to look for the incredible reason why this is happening,
which will be revealed to me, maybe not today or tomorrow,
maybe even next year, but at some point in my life,
I know I'm going to look back and go, wow,
look at what happened because I didn't go on tour
because I have been grapped. So yeah, that's a superpower
(16:59):
of mine.
Speaker 5 (17:00):
I think that's an important takeaway for all of us
to remember. I mean, all you can do, you do
what you can, and sometimes, you know, life throws you
circumstances that feel unfair, undeserved, and it's easy to throw
a pity party and be like, woe is me? And
once again, the way that you process your circumstances is everything.
Speaker 6 (17:22):
You know.
Speaker 5 (17:23):
You hear about people that are paralyzed from the waist
down and they end up living these incredible lives, and
who knows, maybe without that they wouldn't have had that fire,
that motivation to do all the things that they ultimately did.
So really, when circumstances get placed upon you, the way
you process it and what you do, the attitude you
(17:44):
take really determines your altitude. So hey, even if you
can't fly because of blood cloths, well it's not some
doctor's test. It's going to determine your altitude. It's your attitude.
And you do a great job of that. And I
think that it's an important less for all of us.
It's so easy to get into that defeatist mindset woe
is me, But you know, you have a choice no
(18:07):
matter how bad it gets. I think the only thing
worse than circumstances that get placed upon you is just
to decide, Well, that's it for me, because living life
in a posture of having given up man, I can't
think of anything worse because that pretty much guarantees that
nothing really great is going to come unless dumb luck
(18:29):
falls in your lap. And that's not a way that
I want to live. So no matter how bad it gets,
you always have that choice. And it might feel like
you gotta do a lot of digging to make it.
But the alternative just seems so bleak that I would
say it's truly no choice at all. Crime the tears right,
you have to feel the feelings, but man, the alternative
(18:51):
not making the most of what you got, that just
seems truly sad.
Speaker 6 (18:56):
You know.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Yeah, that's why I call it balance all the time.
Is uh, you know, it's important to feel your feelings,
but then you know how long are you going to
feel them? Like when it when it's to the point
where you're drowning your feelings, that's probably not really helpful.
But uh, you know those people who say, uh, can't
(19:18):
passes past, can't change it. You know, don't pull your
pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You're also not giving
yourself the doorway to be human and beautifully human with
all of the the spectrum of emotions. So if you
don't let yourself be sad, you're not going to be
(19:39):
able to feel happy, right, because it's like a dumb waiter.
You know, I'm not calling waiters dumb. I am saying
the old door they're going to rename that soon. Um sure,
the elevator that closes like this, So you have to
feel it, but don't drown in your feelings. So that's
certainly the balance. And why not. I always think.
Speaker 5 (20:00):
About I'm gonna throw my personal moose on the table,
regarding that. I used to see somebody that was all
motivation all the time in my own mind. But sometimes
when you be too loud of a cheerleader for yourself,
you can deny, you know, the fullness of the human experience,
and it can start to feel overwhelming. And then sometimes
you kind of have this cognitive dissonance between what the
(20:23):
world is throwing at you and the way that you want.
Speaker 4 (20:26):
To perceive yourself.
Speaker 5 (20:27):
I wanted to see myself as a positive, motivational person
so much, but sometimes you just don't freaking feel like it.
And I remember one time I was just sick of it.
I had reached like the end of the personal lies,
even though the intentions were good, the personal lies of
trying to be even though I was trying to be
(20:48):
something good. It was having a bad effect, and I
remember someone asked me, hey, how you do it. I
don't know if it was in the grocery line or whatever,
the person that was, you know, ringing up my groceries.
Speaker 4 (20:57):
And I just said, not good, not good at all.
Speaker 5 (21:00):
But I really appreciate you asking thank you for carry
And they were like, oh wow, okay, well god, I
hope it turns around for you.
Speaker 4 (21:10):
And what a freedom that was.
Speaker 5 (21:12):
I remember the first time I actually answered that question honestly,
instead of giving the compulsory hey, I'm good. Thanks, but
being like no, I'm not, I said, you know what, No,
you asked, I'll tell you I'm not gonna empty I'm
not gonna empty my bucket, and you know, slow down
the line behind me.
Speaker 4 (21:27):
But you asked, I'll tell you.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Yeah, that's great. Yeah, yeah, it's all about balance. And
that's a very long breakfast we've had. We are happy
that you joined us. Please consider joining me every weekday
morning here on the show. Every single day I'm here
having breakfast to start with. If you do do this
(21:53):
exercise is good life. Have it called taking a bite
of my gratitude sandwich. I promise you will and your
day in the most positive way. Thanks for joining us
for breakfast, I know, for the topic of the day
(22:16):
that says everything is awesome? James. What is the topic
for straight Talk with doctor Mersa.
Speaker 4 (22:26):
And James Author.
Speaker 5 (22:29):
So we're going to talk about the idea of entering
into to quote top Gun Maverick, a target rich environment.
So we're going to talk about how to meet people
outside of the apps and setting yourself up for that
success or at least setting yourself up for opportunity, because.
Speaker 4 (22:47):
Hey, all we want is a chance.
Speaker 5 (22:49):
Then we're going to talk about the different ways to
meet people in the wild and how to hopefully turn that.
Speaker 4 (22:56):
Into meaningful connections, dates, et cetera.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
It's so funny when he tested me that and he
continues to say that in the wild, like I've got
this cave man, you know, wilder beast. You know, let's
find a date.
Speaker 4 (23:16):
That you go there.
Speaker 5 (23:18):
I go to like African Safari, and I'm like, you know,
thinking like urn, I'm a lion, and hey, that's a
beautiful because look at them mockings on it just goes
tyste so good, you know, and just like like like
animals and the on the great planes, you know, pursuing
their either their baits or their their prey.
Speaker 4 (23:37):
And again, what an awful way to think about it.
But that's the image that pops into my mind.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
I just think like, yeah, vibes, and it's obvious I
have not been engaging for a while because I immediately
went to eating your prey. Anyways, it's Friday. I could
be a little naughty. That is the topic. So if
you have any experiences where you met someone, I would
(24:03):
love to hear some success stories. Lord knows, I've gotten
to the point where you know, I'd rather play candy
crush than go swipe. Like it's gotten that bad these
days where you know I've matched and it's like I
don't feel like conversing, so I need a little pep
(24:24):
talk to stay in the game, so to speak, and
stay in the dating game. Someone pointed out that maybe
that's why I'm grounded, is because I'm supposed to meet,
you know, someone blah blah blah, and I'm like, talk
to the hand, although I much prefer them say that.
(24:48):
Then well maybe this is for you. Just know that,
Oh man, I just want to like bot that person.
Do not tell me that. Obviously, that will push every
button and pick off every goat that I have and
activate every chip on my shoulder because I liked my
(25:09):
crazy schedule and not slowing down. So anyways, so how
do we get excited about dating without swiping Jane's You
always pick topics based on some kind of personal you know,
exposure or experience, So spill it.
Speaker 5 (25:34):
As I'm getting older, I am not in my you know,
go out and party till two am days. But that said,
sometimes my friends you know, like to go out to
West Hollywood, and so I go, and because of not
partying the way that I used to, I am of
clear mind and I go and I just enjoy because
I'm not going out all the time. It's sort of
like a tree. I enjoy seeing all these people and
(25:57):
meeting them. And this is a little bit of that
I'm fair advantage. I'm not shy. I'll go up to
a stranger and be like, hey, how you doing, you know, like.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
I like James makes me look shy. Okay, for those
of you who have no like relative, you know that
when he says that, honestly, I'm not kidding like people
people are like, No, nobody's as shy as you are,
doctor versa no, James is sure that I am sarcasm.
Speaker 5 (26:24):
Yeah, yeah, I mean, look for me, the sting of
rejection and I get rejected, believe it or not, I'm kidding.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
I do.
Speaker 4 (26:34):
Of course, I'm out of it. It's flavor.
Speaker 5 (26:36):
But the sting of that is not nearly as bad
as the sting of I saw the most beautiful guy
and I just I didn't say hi. I would rather
shoot my shot and fail then wonder what if? And then,
you know, because if I'm feeling lonely or alone, then
I have to hold myself accountable and go, well, you
had the chances to say hi, and he didn't do it.
(26:58):
And you can't catch a fish if you're lyne ain't
in the water. So I'll go up to people and
I'll just be like, hey, how you doing. I'm James.
I just wanted to come stay hi because I think
you're extremely attractive.
Speaker 4 (27:08):
How you doing? Like I will literally come right out
and say that. Now, you know, guys in a gay bar.
Speaker 5 (27:15):
Environment, that's you know, more acceptable. But the more I
think about it, I'm like, you could do that anywhere,
Like you could be at a coffee shop or a
bookstore and just be like, hey, how you doing.
Speaker 4 (27:29):
I'm Marissa. You don't know me. I just wanted to
say hi because I just think that you're very handsome.
How's your day coming?
Speaker 2 (27:36):
You know?
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (27:38):
I mean if it's a compliment and you're not doing
it in a hey, you're so hot, I don't think it's.
Speaker 4 (27:43):
Uncouth or anything to do that.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
One of my best relationships started that way was in
the farmer's market at the grove after the divorce. I'm
sure it was a rebound, but a very good looking guy.
Our eyes met across. He was waiting for his food
to be ordered. I was, you know that in the growth,
you know, you're sitting outside and those like yeah. So
(28:07):
I was sitting eating and I noticed him and he
looked at me, and I looked at him, and he
didn't make a move, So, you know, I went through
the whole meal. And then when he was, you know,
gonna leave getting his food, I said, Hi, my name
is Marissa. How are no?
Speaker 4 (28:26):
Hi?
Speaker 2 (28:26):
I'm Marissa. How do you like me? So far?
Speaker 4 (28:30):
There?
Speaker 2 (28:30):
You laugh? And we went on at the date and
it's kind of a sad story. We went on, yeah,
thank you, and he laughed and he laughed right right
right starts right right, and he's and we went on
(28:51):
a date and I thought it was just gonna you know,
he's he was a master student at you s uh,
I don't know, I can't remember. So anyways, he was
a master student, he was from Spain, and uh so
we went on a date. I didn't think it was gonna,
you know, be anything huge, and it ended up like
(29:13):
by our third date, we had this this really deep connection.
And on the first day I asked him if he
wanted kids and stuff like that, and he said yes.
And obviously he was just a little younger than I was.
I was, you know, I'm an age list. But and
then by the by like three months into it, he's
(29:35):
like he proposed because he was we were both like
so deeply connected, and I'm like, no, you know, not
that I don't want to be with you, but you
wanted to have children, and I am not going to
be the reason that you don't experience that beautiful, major,
significant part of life. And it was so sad. I'll
(29:58):
never forget. Like I drove Wayne and Josh Grogan's playing
and oh, what.
Speaker 4 (30:04):
A terrible thing that kind off to the radio.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
People looking into the rear view in the side marry
and he's crying. You know, I'm crying. Oh my gosh,
used to call me prince princess princes. I don't know
how to say it, but it looks beautiful wedding rites.
Speaker 5 (30:22):
Well, that was very selfless of you. Sometimes they say,
if you love someone, set them free.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Yeah, yeah, Well my version of that is, if you
love someone, let them go if they come back or yours.
If they don't come back, go hunt them down and
shoot them.
Speaker 4 (30:37):
That's one way to go about it. You know.
Speaker 5 (30:42):
I'm sensitive to that because I've been watching a lot
of Dexter lately and I'm like, oh, I'm like taking
all the killing stuff almost seriously, like literally, because I've
been watching way too much Dexter. But god, it's it's addictive.
What an amazing like premise and setup in the characters
in that show. But I'm all about trying to give
you advice, and because we just establish it we are
(31:02):
not shy people. I want to try to help those
that are maybe a little more shy than us, which
is probably almost everybody.
Speaker 4 (31:09):
So you know, went out in the wild and when you.
Speaker 5 (31:12):
Approach somebody to introduce yourself, I like starting with humor.
So if you can find something funny, that's always good
and you don't have to tell them that you think
they're attractive and in the like market.
Speaker 4 (31:26):
For example, if you know, if I'm figuring out if.
Speaker 5 (31:29):
I'm having a for me shy day, I'm like, what,
what's something I could talk to this person about? And like,
for me, it might be something like, hey, I've been
meaning to try that stand, how is it? How's the food?
And just chatting with them about like food and stuff
that they've tried, and just trying to create an organic
conversation around something that's not so akin to acceptance and rejection,
(31:53):
like how do you like me so far? Or me
saying you know, I think you're attractive, because then that
makes them have to decide whether they think you're active
or not. Pause for sneeze, break our listeners. I think
I may have developed an allergy to chlorine. I was
in a chlorine pool last night. I haven't been the
same since.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
People will do anything for a blessing.
Speaker 5 (32:17):
I'm gonna circle back to my point, but I'm gonna
I'm gonna mute while I blow my nose.
Speaker 4 (32:22):
Actually seconds, yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
Actually it's actually it's a good time for a break
because we are the mid point. We need to take
a break for news, weather, traffic and work for our sponsors.
So don't go away, We'll be right back. Your tune
to take by Advice. I'm not using a kid bounce
with Doctor Marissa in the morning show on Straight Up
(32:47):
with Myself and.
Speaker 4 (32:50):
Be congested James author.
Speaker 2 (32:52):
We'll be right back. Don't go away.
Speaker 7 (33:14):
Well, she has been dubbed the Asian Oprah and she
just wants all of us to be happy. Doctor Marissa
aka the Asian Oprah says, the most important thing you
can choose is choosing to be happy.
Speaker 8 (33:33):
You are tuned into my weekly talk radio TV show called.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
Take My Advice.
Speaker 8 (33:38):
I'm not using it with balance with Doctor Marissa.
Speaker 7 (33:52):
That's the idea for doctor Marissa Pay's new book call
Eight Ways to Be Happy.
Speaker 9 (33:58):
Many of us say I am my own worst critic.
Nobody's harder on me than I am. And my response
to that is stop it. Why are you doing that
to yourself? You have to be your biggest fan, because
if you can't, at the end of the day say
I did a good job, who is We don't have
(34:19):
to constantly be angry at the things that are wrong.
Why don't we choose to be happy about things that
are right? We have the choice. That's our muscle, and
life is so amazing if we can see it.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
With doctor Maurisapey.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
And we're back. You're tuned in to take my advice.
I'm not using it. Get balanced with doctor Marisa The
Morning show here on kayzy AA, NBC News Radio, home
to the Asian Oh Brah, remember when talking the ie
Thank you very much and streaming everywhere iHeartRadio, Spotify and
of course my YouTube TV channel where if you free
subscribe and give me the finger, this one not the
(35:20):
other one, you will get an alert every weekday morning
to tune in to the show about hope and happiness.
So we also have great topics, great people. If you
add great series. Yesterday was I'm getting a squirrel sound here?
Do you mind meeting your mic for a second?
Speaker 4 (35:40):
Let me do this? Is that better? I don't know.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
We'll see yesterday if you miss throwback Thursday, I had
on my beautiful twin sister Keiko Matsui. That is better.
I don't know what you did, but Keiko Matsui is
going to be performing at the Catalina jazz just well,
you know that that's one of my favorite sponsors, longtime sponsors.
So if you are looking for something to do for
(36:07):
two weekends in October, come join me at the Catalina
Jazz Festival because I am a lover of jazz and
I could use a date too. So Asian Oprah giveaway
is a ticket to It's October the ninth, so it's
(36:27):
either the ninth of the tenth, whatever night that Kiko
is performance. So that is your Asian Oprah giveaway and
you're tuned in a straight talk with myself.
Speaker 5 (36:37):
And James Hawthorne, and I'm gonna double down on that
and support you with that endeavor, Marissa, because you know
so many Angelino's right say, oh, I live in La
for ten years and i've'll live been to the beach twice. Well,
a lot of Angelina's haven't been out to Catalina Island
and it is absolutely gorgeous. I mean, when you get
out there, it's hard to tell if you're in Catalina
or Mediterranean Europe. And no that's not an exaggeration, having
(36:59):
been to both and that time of year is gorgeous.
So if not just for the jazz, do it to
take advantage of everything that southern California has to offer.
Speaker 4 (37:09):
It is worth the trip. You will thank us later,
I promise you that.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
Absolutely. Yeah. It's one of my favorite places because when
I was getting my Green card, I couldn't travel outside
of the States, and so on vacation, I went to
Katalina Island by myself and I'll never forget. I had dinner.
I went to pay for it and the hostess said
it's already been taken care of. And I said, who
(37:35):
can I think? And they said they're already gone. They
just wanted to appreciate the sight of a beautiful woman
having dinner. Is that nice or luckily?
Speaker 5 (37:47):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (37:47):
So I love Kathleen Island. I will always be.
Speaker 4 (37:51):
Now.
Speaker 2 (37:52):
To balance that out, I also met my husband who
cost me millions, So you know it's all balancing.
Speaker 4 (38:00):
Hey, you know, don't don't what do they say, don't
don't tate.
Speaker 5 (38:05):
I don't know what the metaphor is, but that place is,
you know, don't hate the place, hate.
Speaker 4 (38:10):
The players some of them?
Speaker 5 (38:14):
Right, Hey, I want to get back to the advice
for shy people related at least in comparison.
Speaker 4 (38:19):
To us, because we are probably the leaf shy people.
Speaker 5 (38:23):
In any room, and I was going to say that,
you know, if you can find a topic like to
talk to them about with the hope of generating organic conversations,
sometimes that's an easy way in to just get to
know somebody. And at the end you could say, hey,
I really love chatting with you. I'm James. You know,
would you like to grab a coffee sometime? And you know,
you can slow play it. And then the other thing
(38:46):
that I want to say about it is sometimes we're
not the best conversationalists, and sometimes conversational peter out, so
there's always the last ditch effort. So let's say it's
that farmers market vibe and you talk to them about
the food, and the conversation is not going anywhere. You
can always go to confessional and say, I have a
confession to make. I didn't just come over here to
(39:08):
talk to you about the food. I've been sitting over
there and I just think that you're very attractive and
I just.
Speaker 4 (39:12):
Wanted to say hello.
Speaker 5 (39:13):
And then if they seem flattered and taken by that,
then you can you know, then at least the moose
is on the table, and it takes a little bit
of courage. But you know, sometimes the approach doesn't have
to be the way that me and Marissa approach, which
is I think you're attractive, Hi on Marissa, high on James.
Speaker 4 (39:30):
It can be more subtle.
Speaker 5 (39:31):
But if the conversation peters, you could always go back
to the moose on the table and say, I have
a confession, which is funny.
Speaker 4 (39:38):
And I think people that usually.
Speaker 5 (39:41):
Appreciate that vulnerability because there's courage in that, and I
think it only reflects well on you when you have
the courage to be that vulnerable. And if you do
get rejected, remember the circumstances and the stuff that happens.
It's how you perceive it and frame it that makes everything,
because there's a lot of subjectivity in that, which means
(40:03):
that you have a choice with how you take that.
The same night in West Hollywood that I was out
with friends, I got two numbers, but I also.
Speaker 4 (40:12):
Was rejected twice.
Speaker 5 (40:13):
I said, Hey, I'm James, how's it going, And they
were just like, we're good tanks, and they literally turned
their back on me and walked away. And then I
turned around and I just started laughing to myself in
the middle of this crowded dance floor because of this,
like wow, they can't even entertain a short conversation Like
I just thought that was funny and interesting, and I said,
(40:33):
you know what, so be it. That's I'm gonna choose
to say. That's more reflection on them than me. I
brush my teeth, my breath doesn't stink tonight, I'm dressed well,
and I was polite, So all right, that's not on me.
And so don't take it personally if it doesn't work out.
So that's my advice to everybody else that might not
(40:55):
be as chatty or bold as me and Marissa pro
we are in the wild.
Speaker 2 (41:02):
Yeah, I think the whole don't think take things personally
is so important. When I love that he's just not
that into you or they're just not that into me.
Taking the zing out of that will free you to
approach people, because I know myself, like if there's someone
(41:24):
that's really good looking, immediately I go into oh, they're
not going to be interested in me, or all those voices.
Like my brother at one point said to me, you're
aiming too high. You know, you're not as attractive as
you think you are, and they're not looking for they're
looking for really hot. I know he was in a
bad mood, but that is you know, it's not about uh,
(41:52):
are you good enough for someone? Are you attractive enough
for someone? It really is about is there match? That's it.
So I've taught this to my daughters. Really well, I
need to listen to it myself. That way, rejection is
not that big of a deal. And I would say,
in James's example, to people who just went thanks but
(42:14):
no thanks, you don't know what's going Maybe they got
scolded for chatting with someone by their partner. You know,
we don't know why people acting the way they are
or but we have a tendency if we haven't fixed
our own sense of I'm okay, you're okay, No, I'm
really okay with or without your approval, then you know
(42:39):
you're not going to want to go out into the wild.
So as much as possible, if you cannot go to
MSU University which is making shittaki up and the story
about why they're doing certain things, the better. That way
you can just go is it a match? Nope? One date?
You know you were all excited about going out and
(43:02):
then go out on the date and it's a disaster.
Oh well, was it a match, nothing personal except that
it's like this.
Speaker 5 (43:11):
It's not like this, and I hate to break it
to everybody. You're not going to be everyone's type. You're
not going to be liked by everybody. And that's just
you know, the way that human beings are as as
part of being a human on this planet. I mean,
things that someone might love about you, like one of
your closest friends, someone else might find it irritating and grading.
Speaker 4 (43:30):
And that's fine.
Speaker 5 (43:31):
I mean, I would much rather die on the sort
of authenticity than trying to mold myself to please other people.
That said, if a few people are telling me that
I have a certain habit or things that's annoying, I'm
going to look at that and maybe think about changing it.
You know, you don't have to be stubborn in your authenticity,
but you know.
Speaker 4 (43:50):
You just might not be someone's type, and you might
be someone else's.
Speaker 5 (43:53):
Type, and I think you have to learn to be
okay with that, because that's just what it is to
be a human being, and if you truly love yourself,
it won't bother you so much that you're not everyone's type.
I heard an interesting statistic that twenty five percent of
the people you meet aren't going to like you for
whatever reason, and they're never going to be persuaded to
(44:15):
like you. You're just not their cup of tea. Another
twenty five percent of people aren't going to like you,
but they could be persuaded to like you if they
give you time, give you a chance.
Speaker 4 (44:26):
Then there's twenty.
Speaker 5 (44:27):
Five percent of people who like you, but they could
be persuaded not to like you, maybe because of they're
susceptible to other people's opinions and pure influids, and they.
Speaker 4 (44:37):
Might decide that they don't like you after all.
Speaker 5 (44:39):
Then there's twenty five percent of people that you just
hit it off with. And I think that it's best
to focus on that top fifty percent and just kind
of ignore the other fifty percent, be polite to will
not ignore them, but you know, ignore how their opinion
of you affects you. Focus on that top fifty percent.
That's a lot of people still, and just know that,
(45:01):
you know, that's just the law of averages, and you know,
focus on that top twenty five percent and you know,
just be the best person you can, and that next
twenty five percent won't end up turning on you, because
no matter what anybody says about you, or if the
rest of the pure group or whatever doesn't like you,
they're not going to be persuaded if all you've done is,
(45:22):
you know, shown them reasons to like you. So I
think that's an important thing to keep in mind.
Speaker 2 (45:27):
Yeah, I had never heard of that statistic, and it's
particularly appropriate for perfectionists, who even if you have ninety
nine people like you and one person doesn't, a perfection
is just going to hone in on that one person
that doesn't like them and try to get them to
like you. So it's a real skill to be able
(45:48):
to focus on what is there versus what is not there,
and a lot of people don't do that. A lot
of people are focused trying to make that one person
like them. When you've got you know, case endpoint. You know,
I well, I'm very active on social because of what
I do, and I'm so grateful for the beautiful comments
(46:11):
I got amazing and beautiful and brilliant and all these
beautiful comments. And then there'll be one person who says something,
you know, not complimentary, and it's my choice whether to
hone in on that one, which I have a superpower.
I just delete you know, I don't even like how
(46:32):
dare there? Blah blah blah. They're in that twenty five
percent or whatever that is that I can just go
talk to the hand. I'm sorry. If I look like you,
I'd be miserable too. I don't say that, but not
out loud. But it's like that whole exercise of getting
people to like you who just don't. And it's okay,
(46:53):
And that's a huge If you can make the choice
to not look there, you're gonna have a happier life.
Speaker 5 (47:00):
Yes, now, you know, it's funny because it's a simple
thing to talk about and it's simple to say, you know,
this is all you have to do, and you will
be happy because it's not a complicated thing.
Speaker 4 (47:13):
But it is hard. And this goes back to what
you said during hard is it, well, give me a moment.
Speaker 2 (47:20):
No, it's second.
Speaker 5 (47:25):
During breakfast with gratitude, seventy five percent of the thoughts
in our head are negative. So let's just assume for
a moment that our default state is in fact pretty negative.
Speaker 4 (47:36):
So if that is our default wiring to do.
Speaker 5 (47:40):
This practice that we've been talking about, it's not easy.
It's going to take mindfulness, presence of mind, that that
meditative posture of observing your thoughts and taking inventory. It's
going to take work to do it, but the work
is so worth it, especially if you know that, you know,
if your own thoughts are often kind of the enemy,
(48:02):
you have to take that time to create that positivity,
to feed the positive wolf, not the negative wolf. And
you know it's a practice, but when you do that practice,
the sting of rejection, you won't fixate on that one
out of one hundred or even the fifty out of
one hundred that really aren't so much on your side.
(48:24):
And so it's hard, but it's worth it is you know,
I want people. I don't want to be too high
in the sky with the positivity. I want to acknowledge that,
you know, if our default state is seventy five percent negative,
it takes daily effort to change that, but it's doable
and it's within our grasp.
Speaker 2 (48:42):
But it really does hit on something that I it's mybs,
my belief system that a lot of that's the angst
that people feel these days. A lot of the fear
or self consciousness as being a bad thing, or you know,
they're they're worrying or they're anxious. All of that stems,
(49:06):
not all of it, but a lot of it stems
from our weaker muscle because we haven't practiced the whole.
You're the boss of you, right, and yes it is positive,
and yes it is you know, sounds simple, but there
(49:27):
is a level of it is simple. And the habit
that a lot of people have gotten into because we
have abdicated our choice or our muscle of no that's
not true, or no that doesn't matter to me, or no,
let's not look at that like that is a weaker
(49:49):
muscle that many of us. We start the day, you know,
letting producers hijack our attention. Right, nobody has gone to
your hea head to scroll, nobody right, and then you
complain about what's going on around because you just did that.
(50:10):
That's that's the fundamental muscle that gets that has led
to where we are right now. You know, it's great
to say, oh, yeah, I'm not feeling good. That's self awareness, okay, fine.
However then to say I'm gonna take something outside of
myself to feel better. No, look at your why are
(50:32):
you not feeling good while I'm thinking about worst case scenario? Well,
had that ever happened to you before. No, well, why
are you choosing to think that way? Well, because I
read that and it's like, no, you don't have to
do that. Don't people know around me. Don't send me
anything that is a warning about anything, first of all,
(50:56):
because usually it's not real, right, And I don't live
in that world. And that's a blissfulin that is not
a Pollyanna positive. It's a choice. I don't want to
be pissed off. I don't want to be in touch
with my pisophtness all day long. So when I don't
like when I'm looked at that, I don't look at it.
(51:16):
That's why I don't want the news.
Speaker 5 (51:18):
Yeah, you know, scrolling and what information you take in
is I think a big part of it. And then
the second part is, like we talked about earlier, the
inventory of your mind. Sometimes you can wake up and
all of a sudden, the worries and the stressors if
you're feeling overwhelmed, can can flood your brain and then
you're you're basically setting yourself up to live that day
(51:42):
with white knuckles. And so you know, that's where writing
it all down and emptying the head and then you
can look at it all and then you can you
can have it list and be like, Okay, what can
I control?
Speaker 4 (51:54):
What can I control?
Speaker 5 (51:55):
That's number one, and then number two is out of
what I can control? What is an a list priority?
What do I absolutely have to get done today? And
if you think you can get six of those things done,
just hold yourself accountable for three and call it a win.
And then you've you've tackled the biggest stuff first, and
then you've taken all this noise in your head and
(52:15):
come up with a manageable strategy to not let fear, anxiety,
a sense of being overwhelmed take you over.
Speaker 2 (52:22):
So this somebody just asked me, what does this have
to do with the topic and the day.
Speaker 4 (52:29):
I was just going to come back to that. This
is a very self healthy today, which is fine.
Speaker 5 (52:34):
So I'm going to bring it back and give one
more piece of advice that I think also speaks to
people that are more shy than us, which is almost everybody.
And I'm not saying I'm not too doing my own horn.
Sometimes being as bold as we are gets us into trouble.
I know I can attest to that. But you know, Bill,
think about meeting people rather than the individual, make the
(52:54):
effort on building the community. So I play on a
softball team, but it's a bunch of you know, old
straight guys. I'm not going to find my romantic partner there.
But if I join one of the many gay sports leagues,
that's something. Another thing is, you know I like to
do triathlons, I should be joining triathlon. You know groups
(53:15):
and just when you meet other like minded individuals, even
if there's not a person that you're interested in dating
in that group, when you build your community, you have
no idea what events or connections will transpire. All of
a sudden you're meeting their friends, and you know the
butterfly effect, three degrees of connection. Down the line, you
might meet your partner through a party of a friend
(53:38):
that you made at the group, and then they invited
you to their friends party.
Speaker 4 (53:41):
In boom, you find somebody.
Speaker 5 (53:43):
And it all goes back to making the decision to
join into a community with like minded individuals or people
that just like doing something that you like to do.
So my last piece of advice on meeting people in
the wild is find people to do the things you
love with and get to know those people because you
already have something in common, so I think that's a
(54:04):
pretty low barrier to entry, and who knows what can transpire,
but at least you're putting lots of lines in the
water to catch that that beautiful fish.
Speaker 2 (54:15):
Yeah. I just had a thought that, you know, it's
funny I'm swiping on profiles and then I'll say, love
to go into live sporting events or love sports. And
there's certain sports that I love and I've been watching
them with my beautiful ninety five year old bonus dad.
But I just had a thought. It's like, well, I
(54:37):
could go back to the old school and actually go
to a bar like I used to to watch Monday
night football or you know, Sunday football. I love, you know,
I love football. So why am I, you know, looking
at a profile saying that they like to do that
when I could actually go back into the wild and
(54:58):
watch games like I used to. So there you go,
practical application. Thank you so much for joining us to
the final word from co host James Hawthorn on Straight
Talk on alternative swiping, trying to keep ourselves motivated to
continue to date.
Speaker 5 (55:18):
Finally, yes, rather than a final word as a wrap up,
I'll give one last piece of advice. We are designed
to be of service. We feel good when we can
help others. I'm going to go so far as to
say it's a basic human need. So yes, you have
to put your own oxygen mask on first. But ironically,
one of the ways to do that is to go
out and help others. So if there's a cause that
(55:39):
you care about or it would make you feel good
to volunteer or help, guess what. The people you meet
while you're doing that are automatically good people because they're
out there giving back and helping and serving. So from
a character standpoint, you know you're going to meet people
of good character. And you can carve out one hour
a week to go volunteer somewhere and do something, you're
gonna meet other people and that's going to be a
(56:01):
community of winners in your life. And who knows where
that may lead in your dating life. So that's my
third of three tips for going that's leading great.
Speaker 2 (56:10):
Well, that is a great tip. I did not think
of that, and certainly I have time to do that,
I know, So a great tip, James, and I hope
you continue. I'm talking to myself. My final word is
even though I do feel sometimes that it is better
(56:34):
to be on my own because I can do what
I want, when I want, how I want. That there
is value. I'm doing a commercial for myself. There's value
in having a relationship to play in life with. So
that was for me, not for anybody else. So I
(56:56):
will try to live up to my own advice. But
the name of the show is take my advice on
Are you doing it? Get balls with doctor Verssa. Thanks
so much for joining us today. Please toe to J
and L Jewelry tomorrow between twelve and four. I'm doing
a reading at one and at two free champagne twenty
(57:18):
five percent off of jewelry at the store thanks to
the good folks at JNL Jewelry. So it's all about ballance,
peace in peace, out world peace through inter piece James.
Speaker 5 (57:31):
Take us out now, have the best weekend and next
week ever.
Speaker 2 (57:37):
Woo.
Speaker 6 (57:44):
You're listening to KCAA your good neighbor along the way.
Speaker 10 (57:49):
Sokel moves fast. Your business should too. If you're not
on the first page of search results, you're losing customers.
I Local has helped businesses in Sokel dominate search results
since two thousand and nine. Get a free side analysis
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(58:12):
zero three three three one. That's three one zero eight
seven zero three three three one. Or visit ilocal dot
net forward slash SoCal. That's ilocal dot net forward slash
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Speaker 11 (58:26):
Safe, not sorry this Labor day, don't drink and dry.
Our sponsor is Premium Plumbing Program of the IE. Tired
of expensive home warranty prices just to be denied, then
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Speaker 10 (58:57):
And now the voices of KCAA with the exciting announcement
want to.
Speaker 11 (59:01):
Hear NBC News or KCAA anywhere you go.
Speaker 1 (59:05):
Well, now there's an app for that.
Speaker 2 (59:06):
CACAA.
Speaker 11 (59:07):
You is celebrating twenty five years in our silver anniversary
with a brand new app.
Speaker 2 (59:11):
The new KCAA app is now available on your smart device,
cell phone, in your car, or any place. Just search
KCAA on Google Play or in the Apple.
Speaker 10 (59:21):
Store one touch and you can listen on your car radio,
Bluetooth device, Android Auto or Apple Car Play. Catch the
KCAA buzz in your earbuds or on the streets.
Speaker 11 (59:31):
Celebrating twenty five years of talk news and excellence with
our new KCAA app.
Speaker 10 (59:36):
Just do it and download it. KCAA celebrating twenty five YEARSPS.
Speaker 6 (59:44):
Hey you yeah, you do? You know where you are? Well,
you've done it. Now. You're listening to KCAA Loma Linda,
your CNBC news station, So expect the unexpected. H.
Speaker 10 (01:00:04):
This is Casey a A.
Speaker 7 (01:00:07):
You're listening to the Tahibra Tea Club re
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