August 12, 2025 • 29 mins
Your Radio Almanac - 1944-02-16 - #4 - guest Robert Benchley
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Our astrology department says, this is the dark of the moon.
What says our astrology department.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
If you were born this week, your ruling planets are
Saturn and you run it.
Speaker 3 (00:10):
You ran it stands for liberty and equality.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Congratulations and now our authority on interesting facts, mister Frugalheiser,
Thank you head doctors.
Speaker 4 (00:24):
There is no zoda in zoda water. There is no buffalo,
and the buffalo nigga. The klondike is not in Alaska.
Beans do not get honey from the flowers.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
And now a helpful hint for the housewife. Boiling vinegar
will remove the odor of cigar smoke.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
There is nothing that will remove the odor of boiling vinegar.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Thank you, prude me scrapped and now doctor Kruet. Historical note,
Silk stockings were first worn by Henry the second of
France in fifteen forty seven. Nylon stockings were last seen
on a lady in Toledo in nineteen hundred and forty three.
We bid you welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the sign
(01:18):
of the Flying Red Horse.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Tonight and every week at the same time, over these
same stations, the makers of mobile gas and mobile oil
bring you Arson.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Well, ladies and gentlemen. February fifteenth was the anniversary of
the birthday of Galileo, who introduced the law of the pendulum,
and who also introduced the telescope and many of the
principles of astronomy. February eighteenth is the birthday of Jimmy Duranty,
who introduced umbriago. The tango is not the national dance
(01:54):
of Argentina. And here's a curious coincidence, mister Robert Benchley,
so it is that's you, you say, Thank you, lad
I did say you did. Really, I beg your pardon.
That's me then, and it isn't funny either. I understand
(02:16):
you've just complete Hello Bob, you better started again.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
I understand you've just completed a new short in your
How Too series.
Speaker 5 (02:27):
Yes, this one is called how to open a Horse's
mouth with your right hand and count his teeth in
such a way he doesn't close his mouth and count
your fingers.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Sounds interesting. How did it turn out, Bob?
Speaker 3 (02:38):
We'll just call me Lefty.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
I must I must remember to see that, Bob. You know,
there's been a lot of good entertainment. Lady have you
seen Lady in the Dark.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
No, lately I've been doing.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
But oh the picture, No, I haven't. There's a there's
a great picture that's around with Joan Fontaine in it.
It's called something Air. Oh, air Mail, No, Jane Airs.
Speaker 3 (03:07):
Oh, what's it?
Speaker 1 (03:08):
That's it? I saw you? That was me. How'd you
like the picture? Lia? I say? How did you like
the picture? Bob? Mister Benchley, I don't like the tone
of what you're not saying.
Speaker 5 (03:25):
Well, to begin with, as I was coming into the theater,
I almost tripped over three girls who had just swooned.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
Oh that happens all the time.
Speaker 5 (03:33):
They shouldn't bring those pictures of Frank Sinatra into the lobby.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
On our Wait, where do you see my next picture? Bob?
Imagine if you will, a boy and a girl on
a terrace, her lustrous eyes shining with unwonted brilliancy, her
pearly teeth. This is a scene. Really really listened to this,
her pearly teeth glistening in the moonlight, and her heaving
chest rising and falling to the sensuous tones of Marsy doats.
Speaker 6 (03:55):
Well.
Speaker 5 (03:56):
I don't want to brag, Austin, but I'm probably as
romantic as you are. You don't laugh at my jokes?
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Do what people will say? We're in love?
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Well, i've lost my place, Bob. What's the next broke
me up on it? Excuse me, Bob? Yes, I hate
to interrupt. What did I interrupt? I promised an interview,
I'll laugh. You didn't expect I promised an interview to
the orson Wells Swoon Club, Come on in, girls, we again.
Speaker 6 (04:41):
Say what you said to Joelan fun Jane.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Well, you mean darling, I dare not hope for your love.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
I don't understand it swooning. The guy says, darling, I
dare not hope for your love.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Bob, what are you shrieking about?
Speaker 3 (05:02):
You're standing on my foot.
Speaker 6 (05:04):
Oh, we forgot to tell you wealthy.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
We got three new members from Blendee. Oh no, now look, girls,
that's not allowed this thing to get out of control.
It'd be very embarrassing if the lipstick campaign got started.
You know those hearts drawn on the sides of buildings
that say Frankie loves Fanny spewack.
Speaker 5 (05:20):
You know, I'm afraid it's started already. There's a big
hot drawn on the side of this building. It says
Aweson Wells. I love you sign Awson Wells.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Girls, where are you going?
Speaker 6 (05:34):
Oh we gotta rush. We just got time to catch.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
The late show up Jane, save my seat. And now
now it's time. Now it's time for mister Benchley's lecture.
Ladies and gentlemen. It's my pleasure to present mister I give.
Speaker 7 (05:54):
You a this give this sun seemly intrusion. But earlier
did you make the statement that Gallileu was famous for
having discovered many of the principles of astronomy.
Speaker 6 (06:03):
Yes, you wish to retract it.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Oh no, I don't think so.
Speaker 6 (06:08):
Mister Wells.
Speaker 7 (06:09):
It's almost as ludicrous as the error made by our
committees when he said the locus of all points equal
distance from a system of transcendental curves is to be
found in the confluence of their respective vorticies.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
How old are you, my boy nine? Getting late for
little fellow son, Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 7 (06:34):
At this gets the words of the sage as ten
millions of circles can never make a square, So the
united voice of myriads cannot lend the smallest foundation to falsehood.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Oh yes, that was Copernicus on prevarication.
Speaker 7 (06:45):
No, a complement on the quiz kids. But that isn't
what I came here for. I've been listening to you
on the air.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Thank you.
Speaker 7 (06:54):
You know, mister Wells, I've been dabbling in psychology and
I think I can help you. Is something troubling you girls?
Speaker 6 (07:03):
Perhaps?
Speaker 1 (07:04):
Well?
Speaker 7 (07:04):
Oh, I see fair complex. Your particular concern is what
girls say about you.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Oh, just what one girl says?
Speaker 6 (07:11):
Ah? Who is?
Speaker 1 (07:13):
She had a hopper?
Speaker 7 (07:18):
Come come, mister Wells, I'm trying to give you a
little guidance and tell me something about your child my childhood.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Oh I don't want to come. Come, come, No, I
don't want to Well, there's nothing to tell. As a
perfectly normal baby. Four months of age, I started to walk?
Speaker 7 (07:35):
Are you you walked at four months of age?
Speaker 6 (07:40):
How did you do it?
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Pretty nurse strolled past my crib and I followed.
Speaker 6 (07:44):
It hyperactivity the pituitary.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
No, she had an average bill.
Speaker 6 (07:51):
Please, now, one more thing. Have you ever been in love?
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Have I ever been in love? My boy, who was
an advertienty touched upon the great tragedy. It all began
in the little hospital where I was born. In the
next crib to me was a little baby girl a
little girl who was to change the whole course of
my life. She looked over at me through the bars
of a cribon. In her eyes. There was an inexpressible something,
(08:16):
something she was trying to say to me, And then
she did say it to me. She looked at me
and said goo. She was the intellectual type. It was madness.
I wanted to give her my fraternity pin, but I
didn't have a fraternity pin, so I gave her the
only pin I had. After that, After that, I remained
under cover. I can't continue.
Speaker 6 (08:41):
Please don't try, mister Wells. Did you ever see her again?
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Many times? But I never dared speak, never did tell
of my love? Why not the vagaries of chance, the
cruelties of fate, an error made by a careless intern,
and poof your dreams turned to ashes? What do you mean, son,
that little girl grew up to me? Slapsy Maxie Rosenblue.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
That was Lot Gluskin's version of Cole Porter's new song
I Love You. And this is old Doctor Wells Almanac
and joke book. Ladies and gentlemen, any more curious items,
Professor Frugenheiser, Oh.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
Yes, mister Mata, it's a sign of the flying red horse.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
You will find the.
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Larger zellin mode oil on else mobile oil, mobile oil.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
And here's the thing about mobile oil. No oil can
guard your engine better against sludge and harmful deposit. No
oil will battle more to keep your engine clean.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
Absolutely, please go on with the maza.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
But I'm steering you straight.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Folks, Change oil frequently and change to good fresh mobile oil.
You see you're driving at s lower speed today, You're
making shorter trips and what is the your oil dilutes
and dirties faster, and you know that can waste gasoline
and I mean a sluggish motor and big repair bills.
Seventy percent of all the cars on the road today
(11:13):
are from five to ten years old, and new buggies
will be scarce till long after piece is here.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
So take care of your car.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Have your crank case filled up full and frequently with
world famous mobile oil. Your friendly mobile gas dealer wants
to see your car run better longer.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you'll be very
interested in our next speaker, the eminent authority on Eskimo love,
mister Robert Benchley.
Speaker 5 (11:55):
Thank you Eskimo lovers. My subject tonight is the eskimo.
I say tonight and advisedly because to some Eskimos the
night will last six months.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
I sincerely helped to finish my lecture before then. The
eskimo or eskim marks, which.
Speaker 5 (12:11):
Is the plural spelled p l u r a l,
is seldom found around the equator. My authority for this
statement is J. C. Funk, who says quote plural is spelled.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
P l u r L. The typical eskimo has good teeth.
Speaker 5 (12:35):
But owing to the character of his diet, worn down
to the gums, which he massages vigorously three times a day.
The eskimo suit or outer garment consists of two layers
of skins, one with the hair outside and one with
the hair inside. The eskimo consists of one layer of
skin with the hair outside. The skin of the eskimo's
(13:01):
face has a bacony feel. My authority for this statement
is C. T. Coots, who has spent a great many
years feeling eskimo faces. The eskimo is a sharp trader,
often getting as much as a can of Sterno and
two bottles of pepsicola for one of his wives. The
(13:21):
Eskimo subsists mostly on fish and a native drink known
as ukla. Ukla is two parts whale blubber, one part
fermented wolf livers, a jigger of dried walrust tusk, a
dash of Uncle Jed's horse liniment, a pony of Uncle
Jed's horse, and.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
A teaspoonful of vanilla.
Speaker 5 (13:44):
Oukla, scientists believe is what accounts for the Aurora borealis.
When the Eskimo is ready to hunt, he takes his
kayak or canoe, his parka orhunting spear, and his luckwat,
which is a sort of small POONA uh Eskimo uses
(14:11):
a small sharp spear to catch seal, which they call ungak.
It's not known what the seal call the Eskimo. The
Eskimo has a primitive way of fishing. Standing on the ice,
he inserts a hack saw and proceeds to saw a
circle around him. When the circle is completed, he climbs
(14:32):
out and retires to his igloo to dry off. He
soon returns and lowers a hook through the hole in
the ice. Then he sits on the ice for three
or four hours to await developments. After cooling his heel sufficiently.
He pulls up the string and decides to bait the hook.
By this time the hole is frozen over. He walks
(14:53):
to the nearest anp and pulles up twelve points for
a can of simon. Contrary to popular belief, the esque
is quite literate. One of the many books published is
entitled at wagolunadigin marmik tussar univak.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
This, of course, is some of the lighter reading.
Speaker 5 (15:14):
There is also a sequel to akwagou makusa kak, which
is called ump I'm leaving an igloo and an eskimo
may remark and to an American luchtwa no puna, which
translated means lochq nopuna.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
This, of course is a liberal translation.
Speaker 6 (15:38):
Literally attract that statement.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
Little man lost your mother.
Speaker 7 (15:42):
Have you you realize, of course, that you've made an
error in fact, and you wish to retract it.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
Well, I'd be glad to if I can remember what
I said.
Speaker 6 (15:49):
You said, I'm leaving an igloo.
Speaker 7 (15:51):
An eskimo remi mark ungivarkik now actually ungi barkik is
an archide form used only by the murky ashmik takuna
kan Kapun tribes.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Mm hmm, that's my boy who said that.
Speaker 6 (16:06):
Really, sir, you.
Speaker 7 (16:06):
Mustn't be so uncertain of yourself. You seemed to be
a bundle of inhibitions and complexes. Perhaps I can help you.
What is your name?
Speaker 6 (16:14):
Please?
Speaker 3 (16:15):
My name is Robert Benchley.
Speaker 5 (16:16):
I'm fifty four years old and I'm a student at
the Bamboo Room of the Brown Derby.
Speaker 7 (16:29):
Mister Benchley, I may be of resistance to you. I've
dabbled in psychology. Now tell me.
Speaker 6 (16:35):
About your childhood.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
Well, what do you want to know?
Speaker 6 (16:39):
Just start talking. I'll take notes.
Speaker 5 (16:41):
Well, I was born in Worcester, Massachusetts. I weighed three
and a half pounds.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
On surprise the game mord and let him keep you?
Speaker 5 (16:48):
And I grew rapidly and at the age of three months.
Speaker 6 (16:51):
Yes, what happened?
Speaker 3 (16:53):
Oh nothing, I was too young.
Speaker 5 (17:00):
Well, the next thing I remember, I was left on
somebody's doorstep.
Speaker 6 (17:03):
Oh that's unfortunate. How old were you at the time?
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Twenty eight? It was a very large basket. Please, Yes,
indeed it still is.
Speaker 7 (17:16):
Especially especially do you ever worry only about girls?
Speaker 6 (17:20):
Worries about girls?
Speaker 5 (17:22):
Fair complex Well, but before I meet them, I usually
say to myself what have you got to worry about?
Speaker 3 (17:27):
Eventually you've got everything brains, talent.
Speaker 6 (17:29):
Looks, hallucinations.
Speaker 7 (17:33):
I think I have enough data to make her diagnosis.
Speaker 6 (17:37):
Eventually you are suffering from schizophering.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Oh, he's definitely a skize.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
Awesome to you.
Speaker 5 (17:43):
Does he mean that I have a split personality?
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Yes, you're really two persons in one.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
All that settles it. You'll have to pay me as
a team.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Hey, ladies, ladies and gentlemen, we have such authorities as
mister Irving berleyn mister Jerome Kern, mister Cole Porter, and yes,
mister Orson Wells to attest to the fact that the
(18:12):
real genuine number one style is to them all, still
is and remains the lady who confronts you, now, Miss
kay Thompson. Why you will.
Speaker 8 (18:22):
Shout when it hits you? Yes, indeed you will shout
when it hits you. Yes, indeed, when the spirit moves you,
and when it behooves you, to shout shout hallelujah. Yes, indeed,
when the spirit moves you, and when it behooves you,
to shout shout hallelujah.
Speaker 9 (18:39):
Yes, indeed, when the spirit moves you, and when it behooves.
Speaker 8 (18:43):
You to shot shout hallelujah.
Speaker 10 (18:45):
Yes, indeed, the Lord once said there was a great
day coming, and there's no doubt about.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
It that the Lord was right.
Speaker 8 (18:53):
The Lord once said, your god, hauld climb the molten
stairs on the gentleman day, And there's no doubt about
it that the Lord was right.
Speaker 9 (19:03):
The judgment, the judgment.
Speaker 10 (19:09):
There's gonna be a lot of people talking about an
awful lot of angels flying. There's gonna be a lot.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
Of people shouting.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
It's shouting about the judgment day.
Speaker 10 (19:21):
We put on a Sunday suit with a big brass buttons.
Put on your Sunday suits with a big brass buttons.
It's a big dress up affair that I put a
ribbon in your head.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
For great dish. Here's call me, call me.
Speaker 10 (19:40):
Hella Hellelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hellolujah.
Speaker 9 (19:48):
Yes. Yes, when you get that feeling, you're gonna shout, oh, yes, indeed,
when the speed it's move and it behooves your it's
(20:09):
a shot child, hell.
Speaker 7 (20:18):
Yes.
Speaker 8 (20:23):
Or you should win a hit your yes, indeed should
win and hit g s indeed.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Well, spirit move ja and it'd behooves you at a shot,
shout alleluja. Folks.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Before racing, you bought gas not just for mileage, but
for quick response and smooth riding on the open highway
and over the highest hill.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
Today, well times have changed.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
What you pay for, what you pray for are the
miles alone.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Got to get mileage, that's your motto, and you'll get
it in the gasolene called mobile gas. Mobile gas is
packed with every wartime mile it's possible to give you.
It makes your coupons really count. There's no mystery to
mobile gas. Its qualities are blended with a master touch.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
That's all.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Nineteen forty four Mobile gas gives you all the mileage
that you got from peacetime mobile gas. Do you drive
to the plant every morning? Do you drive to town
for necessary shopping? Do you drive a truck? Then drive
with mobile gas. Every gallon is war engineered for distance,
made to give you mile after mile after mile. Prove
(21:56):
it in traffic, prove it on the highway, and come
in and get it at the sign of the Flying
Red Horse. America's favorite gasoline, Mobile gas.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
And now I'm going to read you a poem by
Archibald McLeish. This talk says Illinois. Is there is Iowa.
There's talk on the east windsy is Illinois? Talk about
what says Dakota says Kansas is Arkansas? Can make out
too far? East says Michigan. East of the Roosters is Indiana.
(22:40):
East of the morning crows is Ohio. East says York State.
He still says Connecticut. On east, it's down east from
heresys Massachusetts. It's east of the quaddies his Maine. But
I hear it here? Whats this Texas? What can you hear?
Says Virginia. Can't be sure. It's his Maine. Surf on
the reefs. I spound away on the pans and panopskcat
(23:04):
lessons is Oregon? Scoop your ears, says Kentucky. Can't tell
sas Maine too much fog, bells on the old orchard
horns and a gun quet lessons is Mississippi. Try to
this is Texas. It's tall talks is Maine. It's tall
talking call it's is Arkansas. It's mean talks. Is Maine
(23:25):
mean about? What's this Nebraska mean about us? What about us?
Speaker 10 (23:29):
Is?
Speaker 1 (23:29):
Kentucky? Says? Texas is Idaho. They gather they don't like us.
His main do, tells his Connecticut. I've um, says New Hampshire. Gather,
we've low ways, says Maine. That's so, says Kansas. Take
my seat, says Michigan. It's how we marry, is his Maine.
We ain't choosers. Seems we scrabble them up and we
(23:50):
mingle them in. We marry the Irish girls with the
shoes and the quick come after. We marry the Spaniards,
the evening eyes. We marry the English with the tiptoe faces.
We marry the golden Swedes, the black Italians, the German girls,
the Mexicans, the Chileanas for luck, the Jews for remembrance,
the Scots girls, the French with the skillful fingers, the
(24:12):
long loves. Hey gather, we marry too many, says Maine.
Too various. I gather we're bad blood. We're mixed people.
And what they say, says Texas, that's what they're saying.
What's in their soups is Arkansas. What they've been eating?
(24:35):
What's in their hair? Says Marilyn. Aren't they men? Can't
they make it with the strangers? Is Alabama? Are they shy?
Says Missouri? Or what says Montana. I gather the bread pure,
says Maine. They're superior people. Have they seen our kids,
says York State, The tall girls, the way they walk
(24:57):
on the world with their narrow heels, and tell them anywhere,
tell them in any country, the height of their heads,
the tilt of their heels when they walk. Have they
raised our boys, says Michigan, fast as black snakes? Have
they beaten them? They gather? They haven't sus Maine. I gather.
We're mixed bloods. They don't take to us, don't they,
(25:19):
says Kansas. Have they seen our towns, is Kansas. Seen
our wheat, seen our flat cars and the rocky mountains,
seen our four lane highways, seen our plains, the big timber,
the tall corn, the horses. Have they seen our farms?
Is Kansas? And who plowed them? Have they seen our towns?
(25:41):
Is Kansas? And who planned them? Have they seen our men?
This is Kansas? Gather, not gather. We're bad blood. This
is Maine, who says Missouri. Who's this saying? Where from?
(26:02):
Says Montana? Where is he from? Where? From? Who? Says?
Can't make out way east east of the Rhine. It
might be the wind veers his may. I don't make
out east of the rhine. So that's it, says Montana.
(26:24):
The pure blood's by the rhine, says Carolina. The blood
we left behind us, says Wisconsin. The blood we left
behind us when we left. The blood afraid of travels
is Nevada. The blood afraid of changes is Kentucky. The
blood afraid is strangers is Vermont's strange stars and strange women,
the two of them. The blood that never hankered for
(26:44):
a strange one, a dark one, says Dakota. With strange hair,
stayed home and married their kin, says Missouri, married their
cousins who look like their mothers, says Michigan. So that's
all East of the rhine, says Wisconsin. So that's all,
says Arkansas. All for that, all for the pure bred
(27:08):
boys afraid of strangers surf on the reef. This is
main ice on Pnomska. There's talk, says Iowa. Talk says Illinois.
Bells and the old orchard bells that are gunquet clash
(27:32):
a corner in the wind, says Illinois. Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to say good night. Now, please join us
next week till then all of us in the Mercury
Theater remain as always obediently, yours.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
The makers of Mobile Gas and Mobile Oil, invite you
to listen in next week, same time, same station to
your radio almanac.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Mister Wells's guest is Betty Hut. That's right, that's right,
And I know you all like her. Ladies and gentlemen,
are times about up. But if any of you ever
happened to be a little low in cash, here's a
word of comfort from Joe Jefferson, the act who made
Rip van Winkle famous on the stage, and was born
one hundred and fifteen years ago Sunday. Like most of
us actors, he was often flat broke. And here's what
he said about it. I've lost everything, And he said,
(28:45):
I'm so poor now that I really can't afford to
let anything worry me. I just remember that, with which
Poor Orson's Almanac says good night to you again, Lapa Bensley.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
A par tonight the courtesy a paramotacle for historic release
is Lady and the Dog. K Thompson appears to the
courtesy of Metropolden Mayor produces of Madame Curry.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Fello prays to the States, others in the Atlantic month
Speaker 2 (29:11):
Jack Wrapper speaking, it's the CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System
Our astrology department says, this is the dark of the moon.
What says our astrology department.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
If you were born this week, your ruling planets are
Saturn and you run it.
Speaker 3 (00:10):
You ran it stands for liberty and equality.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Congratulations and now our authority on interesting facts, mister Frugalheiser,
Thank you head doctors.
Speaker 4 (00:24):
There is no zoda in zoda water. There is no buffalo,
and the buffalo nigga. The klondike is not in Alaska.
Beans do not get honey from the flowers.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
And now a helpful hint for the housewife. Boiling vinegar
will remove the odor of cigar smoke.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
There is nothing that will remove the odor of boiling vinegar.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Thank you, prude me scrapped and now doctor Kruet. Historical note,
Silk stockings were first worn by Henry the second of
France in fifteen forty seven. Nylon stockings were last seen
on a lady in Toledo in nineteen hundred and forty three.
We bid you welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the sign
(01:18):
of the Flying Red Horse.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Tonight and every week at the same time, over these
same stations, the makers of mobile gas and mobile oil
bring you Arson.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Well, ladies and gentlemen. February fifteenth was the anniversary of
the birthday of Galileo, who introduced the law of the pendulum,
and who also introduced the telescope and many of the
principles of astronomy. February eighteenth is the birthday of Jimmy Duranty,
who introduced umbriago. The tango is not the national dance
(01:54):
of Argentina. And here's a curious coincidence, mister Robert Benchley,
so it is that's you, you say, Thank you, lad
I did say you did. Really, I beg your pardon.
That's me then, and it isn't funny either. I understand
(02:16):
you've just complete Hello Bob, you better started again.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
I understand you've just completed a new short in your
How Too series.
Speaker 5 (02:27):
Yes, this one is called how to open a Horse's
mouth with your right hand and count his teeth in
such a way he doesn't close his mouth and count
your fingers.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Sounds interesting. How did it turn out, Bob?
Speaker 3 (02:38):
We'll just call me Lefty.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
I must I must remember to see that, Bob. You know,
there's been a lot of good entertainment. Lady have you
seen Lady in the Dark.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
No, lately I've been doing.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
But oh the picture, No, I haven't. There's a there's
a great picture that's around with Joan Fontaine in it.
It's called something Air. Oh, air Mail, No, Jane Airs.
Speaker 3 (03:07):
Oh, what's it?
Speaker 1 (03:08):
That's it? I saw you? That was me. How'd you
like the picture? Lia? I say? How did you like
the picture? Bob? Mister Benchley, I don't like the tone
of what you're not saying.
Speaker 5 (03:25):
Well, to begin with, as I was coming into the theater,
I almost tripped over three girls who had just swooned.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
Oh that happens all the time.
Speaker 5 (03:33):
They shouldn't bring those pictures of Frank Sinatra into the lobby.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
On our Wait, where do you see my next picture? Bob?
Imagine if you will, a boy and a girl on
a terrace, her lustrous eyes shining with unwonted brilliancy, her
pearly teeth. This is a scene. Really really listened to this,
her pearly teeth glistening in the moonlight, and her heaving
chest rising and falling to the sensuous tones of Marsy doats.
Speaker 6 (03:55):
Well.
Speaker 5 (03:56):
I don't want to brag, Austin, but I'm probably as
romantic as you are. You don't laugh at my jokes?
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Do what people will say? We're in love?
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Well, i've lost my place, Bob. What's the next broke
me up on it? Excuse me, Bob? Yes, I hate
to interrupt. What did I interrupt? I promised an interview,
I'll laugh. You didn't expect I promised an interview to
the orson Wells Swoon Club, Come on in, girls, we again.
Speaker 6 (04:41):
Say what you said to Joelan fun Jane.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Well, you mean darling, I dare not hope for your love.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
I don't understand it swooning. The guy says, darling, I
dare not hope for your love.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Bob, what are you shrieking about?
Speaker 3 (05:02):
You're standing on my foot.
Speaker 6 (05:04):
Oh, we forgot to tell you wealthy.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
We got three new members from Blendee. Oh no, now look, girls,
that's not allowed this thing to get out of control.
It'd be very embarrassing if the lipstick campaign got started.
You know those hearts drawn on the sides of buildings
that say Frankie loves Fanny spewack.
Speaker 5 (05:20):
You know, I'm afraid it's started already. There's a big
hot drawn on the side of this building. It says
Aweson Wells. I love you sign Awson Wells.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Girls, where are you going?
Speaker 6 (05:34):
Oh we gotta rush. We just got time to catch.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
The late show up Jane, save my seat. And now
now it's time. Now it's time for mister Benchley's lecture.
Ladies and gentlemen. It's my pleasure to present mister I give.
Speaker 7 (05:54):
You a this give this sun seemly intrusion. But earlier
did you make the statement that Gallileu was famous for
having discovered many of the principles of astronomy.
Speaker 6 (06:03):
Yes, you wish to retract it.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Oh no, I don't think so.
Speaker 6 (06:08):
Mister Wells.
Speaker 7 (06:09):
It's almost as ludicrous as the error made by our
committees when he said the locus of all points equal
distance from a system of transcendental curves is to be
found in the confluence of their respective vorticies.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
How old are you, my boy nine? Getting late for
little fellow son, Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 7 (06:34):
At this gets the words of the sage as ten
millions of circles can never make a square, So the
united voice of myriads cannot lend the smallest foundation to falsehood.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Oh yes, that was Copernicus on prevarication.
Speaker 7 (06:45):
No, a complement on the quiz kids. But that isn't
what I came here for. I've been listening to you
on the air.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Thank you.
Speaker 7 (06:54):
You know, mister Wells, I've been dabbling in psychology and
I think I can help you. Is something troubling you girls?
Speaker 6 (07:03):
Perhaps?
Speaker 1 (07:04):
Well?
Speaker 7 (07:04):
Oh, I see fair complex. Your particular concern is what
girls say about you.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Oh, just what one girl says?
Speaker 6 (07:11):
Ah? Who is?
Speaker 1 (07:13):
She had a hopper?
Speaker 7 (07:18):
Come come, mister Wells, I'm trying to give you a
little guidance and tell me something about your child my childhood.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Oh I don't want to come. Come, come, No, I
don't want to Well, there's nothing to tell. As a
perfectly normal baby. Four months of age, I started to walk?
Speaker 7 (07:35):
Are you you walked at four months of age?
Speaker 6 (07:40):
How did you do it?
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Pretty nurse strolled past my crib and I followed.
Speaker 6 (07:44):
It hyperactivity the pituitary.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
No, she had an average bill.
Speaker 6 (07:51):
Please, now, one more thing. Have you ever been in love?
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Have I ever been in love? My boy, who was
an advertienty touched upon the great tragedy. It all began
in the little hospital where I was born. In the
next crib to me was a little baby girl a
little girl who was to change the whole course of
my life. She looked over at me through the bars
of a cribon. In her eyes. There was an inexpressible something,
(08:16):
something she was trying to say to me, And then
she did say it to me. She looked at me
and said goo. She was the intellectual type. It was madness.
I wanted to give her my fraternity pin, but I
didn't have a fraternity pin, so I gave her the
only pin I had. After that, After that, I remained
under cover. I can't continue.
Speaker 6 (08:41):
Please don't try, mister Wells. Did you ever see her again?
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Many times? But I never dared speak, never did tell
of my love? Why not the vagaries of chance, the
cruelties of fate, an error made by a careless intern,
and poof your dreams turned to ashes? What do you mean, son,
that little girl grew up to me? Slapsy Maxie Rosenblue.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
That was Lot Gluskin's version of Cole Porter's new song
I Love You. And this is old Doctor Wells Almanac
and joke book. Ladies and gentlemen, any more curious items,
Professor Frugenheiser, Oh.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
Yes, mister Mata, it's a sign of the flying red horse.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
You will find the.
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Larger zellin mode oil on else mobile oil, mobile oil.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
And here's the thing about mobile oil. No oil can
guard your engine better against sludge and harmful deposit. No
oil will battle more to keep your engine clean.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
Absolutely, please go on with the maza.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
But I'm steering you straight.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Folks, Change oil frequently and change to good fresh mobile oil.
You see you're driving at s lower speed today, You're
making shorter trips and what is the your oil dilutes
and dirties faster, and you know that can waste gasoline
and I mean a sluggish motor and big repair bills.
Seventy percent of all the cars on the road today
(11:13):
are from five to ten years old, and new buggies
will be scarce till long after piece is here.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
So take care of your car.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Have your crank case filled up full and frequently with
world famous mobile oil. Your friendly mobile gas dealer wants
to see your car run better longer.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you'll be very
interested in our next speaker, the eminent authority on Eskimo love,
mister Robert Benchley.
Speaker 5 (11:55):
Thank you Eskimo lovers. My subject tonight is the eskimo.
I say tonight and advisedly because to some Eskimos the
night will last six months.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
I sincerely helped to finish my lecture before then. The
eskimo or eskim marks, which.
Speaker 5 (12:11):
Is the plural spelled p l u r a l,
is seldom found around the equator. My authority for this
statement is J. C. Funk, who says quote plural is spelled.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
P l u r L. The typical eskimo has good teeth.
Speaker 5 (12:35):
But owing to the character of his diet, worn down
to the gums, which he massages vigorously three times a day.
The eskimo suit or outer garment consists of two layers
of skins, one with the hair outside and one with
the hair inside. The eskimo consists of one layer of
skin with the hair outside. The skin of the eskimo's
(13:01):
face has a bacony feel. My authority for this statement
is C. T. Coots, who has spent a great many
years feeling eskimo faces. The eskimo is a sharp trader,
often getting as much as a can of Sterno and
two bottles of pepsicola for one of his wives. The
(13:21):
Eskimo subsists mostly on fish and a native drink known
as ukla. Ukla is two parts whale blubber, one part
fermented wolf livers, a jigger of dried walrust tusk, a
dash of Uncle Jed's horse liniment, a pony of Uncle
Jed's horse, and.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
A teaspoonful of vanilla.
Speaker 5 (13:44):
Oukla, scientists believe is what accounts for the Aurora borealis.
When the Eskimo is ready to hunt, he takes his
kayak or canoe, his parka orhunting spear, and his luckwat,
which is a sort of small POONA uh Eskimo uses
(14:11):
a small sharp spear to catch seal, which they call ungak.
It's not known what the seal call the Eskimo. The
Eskimo has a primitive way of fishing. Standing on the ice,
he inserts a hack saw and proceeds to saw a
circle around him. When the circle is completed, he climbs
(14:32):
out and retires to his igloo to dry off. He
soon returns and lowers a hook through the hole in
the ice. Then he sits on the ice for three
or four hours to await developments. After cooling his heel sufficiently.
He pulls up the string and decides to bait the hook.
By this time the hole is frozen over. He walks
(14:53):
to the nearest anp and pulles up twelve points for
a can of simon. Contrary to popular belief, the esque
is quite literate. One of the many books published is
entitled at wagolunadigin marmik tussar univak.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
This, of course, is some of the lighter reading.
Speaker 5 (15:14):
There is also a sequel to akwagou makusa kak, which
is called ump I'm leaving an igloo and an eskimo
may remark and to an American luchtwa no puna, which
translated means lochq nopuna.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
This, of course is a liberal translation.
Speaker 6 (15:38):
Literally attract that statement.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
Little man lost your mother.
Speaker 7 (15:42):
Have you you realize, of course, that you've made an
error in fact, and you wish to retract it.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
Well, I'd be glad to if I can remember what
I said.
Speaker 6 (15:49):
You said, I'm leaving an igloo.
Speaker 7 (15:51):
An eskimo remi mark ungivarkik now actually ungi barkik is
an archide form used only by the murky ashmik takuna
kan Kapun tribes.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Mm hmm, that's my boy who said that.
Speaker 6 (16:06):
Really, sir, you.
Speaker 7 (16:06):
Mustn't be so uncertain of yourself. You seemed to be
a bundle of inhibitions and complexes. Perhaps I can help you.
What is your name?
Speaker 6 (16:14):
Please?
Speaker 3 (16:15):
My name is Robert Benchley.
Speaker 5 (16:16):
I'm fifty four years old and I'm a student at
the Bamboo Room of the Brown Derby.
Speaker 7 (16:29):
Mister Benchley, I may be of resistance to you. I've
dabbled in psychology. Now tell me.
Speaker 6 (16:35):
About your childhood.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
Well, what do you want to know?
Speaker 6 (16:39):
Just start talking. I'll take notes.
Speaker 5 (16:41):
Well, I was born in Worcester, Massachusetts. I weighed three
and a half pounds.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
On surprise the game mord and let him keep you?
Speaker 5 (16:48):
And I grew rapidly and at the age of three months.
Speaker 6 (16:51):
Yes, what happened?
Speaker 3 (16:53):
Oh nothing, I was too young.
Speaker 5 (17:00):
Well, the next thing I remember, I was left on
somebody's doorstep.
Speaker 6 (17:03):
Oh that's unfortunate. How old were you at the time?
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Twenty eight? It was a very large basket. Please, Yes,
indeed it still is.
Speaker 7 (17:16):
Especially especially do you ever worry only about girls?
Speaker 6 (17:20):
Worries about girls?
Speaker 5 (17:22):
Fair complex Well, but before I meet them, I usually
say to myself what have you got to worry about?
Speaker 3 (17:27):
Eventually you've got everything brains, talent.
Speaker 6 (17:29):
Looks, hallucinations.
Speaker 7 (17:33):
I think I have enough data to make her diagnosis.
Speaker 6 (17:37):
Eventually you are suffering from schizophering.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Oh, he's definitely a skize.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
Awesome to you.
Speaker 5 (17:43):
Does he mean that I have a split personality?
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Yes, you're really two persons in one.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
All that settles it. You'll have to pay me as
a team.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Hey, ladies, ladies and gentlemen, we have such authorities as
mister Irving berleyn mister Jerome Kern, mister Cole Porter, and yes,
mister Orson Wells to attest to the fact that the
(18:12):
real genuine number one style is to them all, still
is and remains the lady who confronts you, now, Miss
kay Thompson. Why you will.
Speaker 8 (18:22):
Shout when it hits you? Yes, indeed you will shout
when it hits you. Yes, indeed, when the spirit moves you,
and when it behooves you, to shout shout hallelujah. Yes, indeed,
when the spirit moves you, and when it behooves you,
to shout shout hallelujah.
Speaker 9 (18:39):
Yes, indeed, when the spirit moves you, and when it behooves.
Speaker 8 (18:43):
You to shot shout hallelujah.
Speaker 10 (18:45):
Yes, indeed, the Lord once said there was a great
day coming, and there's no doubt about.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
It that the Lord was right.
Speaker 8 (18:53):
The Lord once said, your god, hauld climb the molten
stairs on the gentleman day, And there's no doubt about
it that the Lord was right.
Speaker 9 (19:03):
The judgment, the judgment.
Speaker 10 (19:09):
There's gonna be a lot of people talking about an
awful lot of angels flying. There's gonna be a lot.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
Of people shouting.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
It's shouting about the judgment day.
Speaker 10 (19:21):
We put on a Sunday suit with a big brass buttons.
Put on your Sunday suits with a big brass buttons.
It's a big dress up affair that I put a
ribbon in your head.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
For great dish. Here's call me, call me.
Speaker 10 (19:40):
Hella Hellelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hellolujah.
Speaker 9 (19:48):
Yes. Yes, when you get that feeling, you're gonna shout, oh, yes, indeed,
when the speed it's move and it behooves your it's
(20:09):
a shot child, hell.
Speaker 7 (20:18):
Yes.
Speaker 8 (20:23):
Or you should win a hit your yes, indeed should
win and hit g s indeed.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Well, spirit move ja and it'd behooves you at a shot,
shout alleluja. Folks.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Before racing, you bought gas not just for mileage, but
for quick response and smooth riding on the open highway
and over the highest hill.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
Today, well times have changed.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
What you pay for, what you pray for are the
miles alone.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Got to get mileage, that's your motto, and you'll get
it in the gasolene called mobile gas. Mobile gas is
packed with every wartime mile it's possible to give you.
It makes your coupons really count. There's no mystery to
mobile gas. Its qualities are blended with a master touch.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
That's all.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Nineteen forty four Mobile gas gives you all the mileage
that you got from peacetime mobile gas. Do you drive
to the plant every morning? Do you drive to town
for necessary shopping? Do you drive a truck? Then drive
with mobile gas. Every gallon is war engineered for distance,
made to give you mile after mile after mile. Prove
(21:56):
it in traffic, prove it on the highway, and come
in and get it at the sign of the Flying
Red Horse. America's favorite gasoline, Mobile gas.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
And now I'm going to read you a poem by
Archibald McLeish. This talk says Illinois. Is there is Iowa.
There's talk on the east windsy is Illinois? Talk about
what says Dakota says Kansas is Arkansas? Can make out
too far? East says Michigan. East of the Roosters is Indiana.
(22:40):
East of the morning crows is Ohio. East says York State.
He still says Connecticut. On east, it's down east from
heresys Massachusetts. It's east of the quaddies his Maine. But
I hear it here? Whats this Texas? What can you hear?
Says Virginia. Can't be sure. It's his Maine. Surf on
the reefs. I spound away on the pans and panopskcat
(23:04):
lessons is Oregon? Scoop your ears, says Kentucky. Can't tell
sas Maine too much fog, bells on the old orchard
horns and a gun quet lessons is Mississippi. Try to
this is Texas. It's tall talks is Maine. It's tall
talking call it's is Arkansas. It's mean talks. Is Maine
(23:25):
mean about? What's this Nebraska mean about us? What about us?
Speaker 10 (23:29):
Is?
Speaker 1 (23:29):
Kentucky? Says? Texas is Idaho. They gather they don't like us.
His main do, tells his Connecticut. I've um, says New Hampshire. Gather,
we've low ways, says Maine. That's so, says Kansas. Take
my seat, says Michigan. It's how we marry, is his Maine.
We ain't choosers. Seems we scrabble them up and we
(23:50):
mingle them in. We marry the Irish girls with the
shoes and the quick come after. We marry the Spaniards,
the evening eyes. We marry the English with the tiptoe faces.
We marry the golden Swedes, the black Italians, the German girls,
the Mexicans, the Chileanas for luck, the Jews for remembrance,
the Scots girls, the French with the skillful fingers, the
(24:12):
long loves. Hey gather, we marry too many, says Maine.
Too various. I gather we're bad blood. We're mixed people.
And what they say, says Texas, that's what they're saying.
What's in their soups is Arkansas. What they've been eating?
(24:35):
What's in their hair? Says Marilyn. Aren't they men? Can't
they make it with the strangers? Is Alabama? Are they shy?
Says Missouri? Or what says Montana. I gather the bread pure,
says Maine. They're superior people. Have they seen our kids,
says York State, The tall girls, the way they walk
(24:57):
on the world with their narrow heels, and tell them anywhere,
tell them in any country, the height of their heads,
the tilt of their heels when they walk. Have they
raised our boys, says Michigan, fast as black snakes? Have
they beaten them? They gather? They haven't sus Maine. I gather.
We're mixed bloods. They don't take to us, don't they,
(25:19):
says Kansas. Have they seen our towns, is Kansas. Seen
our wheat, seen our flat cars and the rocky mountains,
seen our four lane highways, seen our plains, the big timber,
the tall corn, the horses. Have they seen our farms?
Is Kansas? And who plowed them? Have they seen our towns?
(25:41):
Is Kansas? And who planned them? Have they seen our men?
This is Kansas? Gather, not gather. We're bad blood. This
is Maine, who says Missouri. Who's this saying? Where from?
(26:02):
Says Montana? Where is he from? Where? From? Who? Says?
Can't make out way east east of the Rhine. It
might be the wind veers his may. I don't make
out east of the rhine. So that's it, says Montana.
(26:24):
The pure blood's by the rhine, says Carolina. The blood
we left behind us, says Wisconsin. The blood we left
behind us when we left. The blood afraid of travels
is Nevada. The blood afraid of changes is Kentucky. The
blood afraid is strangers is Vermont's strange stars and strange women,
the two of them. The blood that never hankered for
(26:44):
a strange one, a dark one, says Dakota. With strange hair,
stayed home and married their kin, says Missouri, married their
cousins who look like their mothers, says Michigan. So that's
all East of the rhine, says Wisconsin. So that's all,
says Arkansas. All for that, all for the pure bred
(27:08):
boys afraid of strangers surf on the reef. This is
main ice on Pnomska. There's talk, says Iowa. Talk says Illinois.
Bells and the old orchard bells that are gunquet clash
(27:32):
a corner in the wind, says Illinois. Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to say good night. Now, please join us
next week till then all of us in the Mercury
Theater remain as always obediently, yours.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
The makers of Mobile Gas and Mobile Oil, invite you
to listen in next week, same time, same station to
your radio almanac.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Mister Wells's guest is Betty Hut. That's right, that's right,
And I know you all like her. Ladies and gentlemen,
are times about up. But if any of you ever
happened to be a little low in cash, here's a
word of comfort from Joe Jefferson, the act who made
Rip van Winkle famous on the stage, and was born
one hundred and fifteen years ago Sunday. Like most of
us actors, he was often flat broke. And here's what
he said about it. I've lost everything, And he said,
(28:45):
I'm so poor now that I really can't afford to
let anything worry me. I just remember that, with which
Poor Orson's Almanac says good night to you again, Lapa Bensley.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
A par tonight the courtesy a paramotacle for historic release
is Lady and the Dog. K Thompson appears to the
courtesy of Metropolden Mayor produces of Madame Curry.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Fello prays to the States, others in the Atlantic month
Speaker 2 (29:11):
Jack Wrapper speaking, it's the CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System
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