July 5, 2022 • 62 mins
I’m answering YOUR questions about my favorite dance movie, my love for donuts and how to overcome imposter syndrome. I asked on social media and you answered by sharing your thoughts on things you should never say to a woman. I’m also sharing my top 5 quintessential Black girl books. Please enjoy this episode from the HER Archives.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hey, y'all, welcome back to her with Amina Brown and yes, people,
we are a week away from election day. In some ways,
I want to say we made it. In other ways,
I want to say, even though we got a week,
we still got a long way to go. Okay. So
this is your friendly voting reminder. Hopefully you have already voted,
(00:32):
maybe through early voting or mailing in your ballot by now,
but if you haven't, this is your reminder to do so.
Make sure you get out and vote or stay home
and vote. But whatever you do vote, it's very important
in every election to vote, especially important in this election.
(00:53):
Make sure you do it. So. As a woman, I
have been asked quite a few inappropriate questions, and not
(01:14):
too long ago, prior to the pandemic, I was asked
a very inappropriate question in a professional setting and this
just made me think about what are the things that
you should never ask a woman? And I thought, instead
of just including my own narrative, I put it out
there to my social media community to ask people to
tell me one thing that you should never ask a woman.
(01:38):
So I want to go through these because I want
to share your responses and I'm hoping if there's anyone
listening that you hear a question you have asked in
this list that you will learn today to never ask
those things of a woman. Question number one is that
your hair. Never ask a woman is that your hair?
(02:03):
If she decides she wants to tell you, then maybe
she will. If she bought it, it's all her hair,
question too, what she wants to eat? I feel a
little attacked by this question. And my husband is the
producer of this podcast, and I feel attacked that when
I said that out loud, he turned to look at me.
(02:24):
I feel attacked because you know what, I'm a skipped
to the next question, question three. This is a combination
of questions along the same lines, why are you single?
Why are you still single? And why aren't you married?
Stop asking people about their relationship status. If they want
(02:45):
to share it with you, then they will, but stop
asking them about it. I think sometimes I'm wondering, is
the problem that people just are not good at conversation
or are even not good at small talk. And I
get it some people, you know you just hate small talk.
But a lot of these questions are coming up in
(03:05):
some small talk situations. So I do want to provide
some suggestions at the end of this of things you
could ask other than these questions. But I have to
say also, these questions do not just come from strangers.
Sometimes they also come from people that you know. But
they're asking you this question in a setting that is
not like, you know, you and your best friend were
(03:26):
talking and your best friends like, I don't even know,
but I'm saying that, And I'm like, I don't even
know that the best friend would ever be like, why
are you still single? A best friend might say, how
is your dating life going right? Don't ask these questions
why are you single? Why are you still single? Why
aren't you Mary? Don't ask those questions? Question number four
were you born a woman? I I want to do,
(03:49):
not ask these questions ever. Question five a combination here,
can you calm down? And why are you so emotional?
In the history of women in woman ing, it has
never helped a woman relax by asking her if she
can calm down? And I resent the question why are
you so emotional? Because I think there's this insinuation there
(04:13):
that to be emotional is to be a weakness, and
to be emotional is actually a great strength and can
be a great strength. But if other people don't know
how to handle their emotions. Then sometimes they project onto
you that you are what too emotional or that you
have too many feelings? I think any time the word
too and the T o o is placed in front
of a word regarding a woman, it's not a jam
(04:36):
too emotional, too thick, too big, too tall, too short,
to whatever that is. You're not too anything. You are
who you are in the fullness of that. Don't ever
ask a woman these things. Also, let's just cover I'm
covering all the pregnancy and child questions right here. Do
not ask a woman when are you do? Are you pregnant?
(05:00):
Is there a baby in there? That one really makes
me mad. Why don't you have kids? When are you
going to have a baby? When are you going to
have another baby? Let's stop and have a moment right here.
Just in general, if you see a woman, I don't
care if she has a stomach that looks like she's
carrying another adult in there, you keep your eyes on
(05:24):
the road, You keep your eyes in her eyes. You
don't ask her anything unless she says the words to you,
I am pregnant. She says the words to you, I
would like to talk to you about my pregnancy, because
even I am pregnant is not an invitation to have
further conversation with her about her body. So she would
(05:45):
basically have to say a paragraph of things to you.
I'm pregnant, and I would love to talk to you,
as a stranger about the myriad details of my pregnancy.
Please ask me a question. If you ever hear that
from a woman, go on, ask her is there a
baby in there? Ask her all the questions. Don't ask
her when is she going to have another baby? And
let me just give a little p s a right here.
(06:06):
You don't know the story that a woman may have
behind pregnancy, fertility loss. You don't know any of those things.
So these questions that people might assume are small talk,
are innocent questions are never innocent questions. And I just
want to yell from the rooftops. Never ask a woman
(06:27):
these questions. And I just want to say, if you're
listening and you have been asked these questions, I think
it's well within your rights to just go ahead and
come up with and equally uncomfortable response, you know, Like
I'm still trying to think through this. There was somebody
on my Facebook page who said whenever someone would ask
her why she doesn't have kids or when she's gonna
(06:50):
have kids, she would say to them, when was the
last time you had sex? And they would get like
super uncomfortable. Right there, I think you should definitely come
up with and answer right there. So far are one
of the ones I'm sticking with is if someone is
asking me why don't I have kids, if they want
to know when I'm gonna try, and I trying all
those things, my replacement question for them is I'm going
(07:11):
to ask them have they had sex with a bear?
And I feel like that's an equally important question to ask,
you know, like if you can ask me what my
genitalia or my other reproductive organs are doing, then I
should be able to point the question back to you.
And if you feel uncomfortable answering, then you should feel
uncomfortable asking me. Do not inquire about what anyone's genitalia
(07:33):
are reproductive organs are doing. Do not inquire, next question,
what's your cup size? This question really sent me like
I was commenting with people a little bit when I
was asking this question, and I can't imagine a situation
I would be in where someone who I don't know well,
or who I don't feel comfortable with would ask me
(07:54):
my cup size? I just okay. Next, this question is
a banger. Is it that time of the month? I
tell you the truth. First of all, periods have been
blamed for quite a few things that are really the
fault of sexism, and I stand by that. I mean,
(08:14):
I can remember times in high school that I would,
you know, be overhearing a conversation where you know, a
girl is getting mad about a particular thing, and it's
a guy looking at her saying more than likely a
phrase like this or similar to are you on the rag? Right?
And I'm not the only person who remembers these types
of phrases too. So is it that time of the month?
(08:36):
Maybe it is, but whatever it is is none of
your business. Whatever time of the month is none of
your business. And also, periods get thrown under the bus
when periods are just fine. Periods are happening to probably
more than half of the population of the world. Okay,
periods are normal. Periods are fine, There's no thing wrong
(09:00):
with a woman having a time of the month. But
also there is this insinuation right that because a woman
is having her air quotes time of the month, or
because a person is having their air quotes time of
the month, right, that that means that person is whil
and out. They're angry, they can't handle their feelings and emotions.
And yet we see men in leadership all over America
(09:27):
who do not have an air quotes time of the
month and yet managed to be irrational and managed to
make decisions based solely on their feelings. But no one's
asking them is it their testicles time of the month? Okay,
let's go on. Next question, asking a lesbian couple who
(09:48):
is the man in the relationship. If you have asked
this question, I hope this is your warning. Do not
do that ever. Ever again, never ask a woman or
a lesbian couple this question. Next question. This question actually
is opening up with what is supposed to sound like
a compliment, and then it's not right, you look good?
(10:10):
Have you lost weight? What? Also? Have you gained weight?
Either of these questions regarding weight are not on the
table of questions to ask. Okay, first of all, whatever
a person is doing with their weight is whatever they
want to do with it. You don't get to comment
whether they lost it or they gained it. And sometimes.
(10:32):
Isn't it interesting that in these conversations regarding lost weight
or gained weight, that there can be depending on your
cultural background, right, there can be particular value placed on
whether you've lost weight or you gained weight. Right, Like
I remember there will be times that we would get
together for our family reunion, and most of my family
is from North Carolina, so we all get together for
(10:52):
like a family reunion, and if you had not been
around the family in a while, there was typically some
commentary on your weight. Right. There is typically this comment
of either baby, have you been eaten? Do you even
eat any food? You're waste in a way, right, Or
there would be this comment to say, oh baby, you
(11:12):
don't got large, you don't got huge. I mean, you
know you can be in these situations, not just with strangers,
but even with your family members. People don't comment on
people's way, Okay, don't do that. There's no reason why
you need to have that discussion. And we don't need
to place value upon losing or gaining weight. We don't
want to place value on people based on their body.
(11:36):
You want to place value on them based on who
they are. We want to accept them in all of
the ways their body represents itself. Okay, boom, Next does
the carpet match the drapes? I? I I understand that
people feel, you know, very interested in home decore because
(12:00):
of h G t V. I I understand that you know,
you're you're interested in what other people are doing with
their ship lap. But look, you save those questions for
when it's somebody's actual house. You don't need to be
worried about nobody's carpet, nobody's drapes, nobody's balanced valance, whatever, whatever.
You don't need to be worried vellum. You don't need
(12:21):
to be worried about any of that on anybody's body. Okay,
you saved that for some show on renovation. You don't
do that when you're talking to someone. And hey, if
a person gives you permission to see the carpet or
see the drapes, then you'll find out. But if you're
(12:42):
not in a situation where they've given you permission to
know what the drapes or the carpet or the wallpaper
are doing, you don't need to be worried about it. Okay,
next question, how many people have you slept with? I
just tire of the ways that people are wearing us
(13:02):
out with these questions how many people have you slept with? Um?
I just have to go back to a very basic
junior high answer, and the answer is none you and yes.
None of you is a number. None of you is
an amount, it is quantified. None of you is to
say never it is a long amount of time. None
you involves a lot of um enumeration, and none of
(13:24):
you is basically saying whatever the number is, it's what
none of your business. Thank you Sat and Pepper for
reminding us about that. Okay, it's none of your business.
You don't even know about that. If a person choose
to share that with you, they share it, but you
don't need to be asking it. You don't even know
about that. Okay. Next, why don't you smile more? It
is not our job as women to entertain. It's not
(13:47):
our job as women to have to make people comfortable.
We smile when we want to smile, and when we
don't want to smile, we don't. So you don't need
to be quantifying or measuring how much I smile. You
gonna be worry about why I don't ask my more? Okay?
In general, I want to remind everyone. Don't ask questions
about a woman's a woman's body, don't ask questions regarding
(14:08):
her period, don't ask questions about things that are a
woman's personal business that don't have nothing to do with you.
And I want to give honorable mention. These three things
were not questions, but they were brought up a couple
of times as I was talking to people from social media.
These three statements are also things you should never say
to a woman. Number one, you look tired. What I'm
supposed to do with that information you tell me I
(14:28):
look tired, I't supposed to do at the moment you
say it to me, I'm supposed to go lay down,
take a nap somewhere, Like what's what? I look tired?
Maybe I am tired, but maybe I'm not. And now
you told me I look tired? What is the point
of it? Don't say it. Number two, hush. I'm gonna
also add to this. Unless you're a librarian and I'm
(14:49):
in the library making noise where there were clearly signs
that stated don't talk in here, you should not be
telling a woman to hush or shush. And lastly, you
should not be telling a woman to calm down. And
it's not gonna work. Actually, it's not a good tactic.
Just like when a woman is angry or upset, how
(15:10):
men in the movies always kiss her. Terrible tactic. Okay,
don't do these things. What are things that you can
say instead? When you are looking to just have small
talk in a personal or professional situation. Maybe you find
yourself at you know, the or d'ev's table next to
a woman you just wanted to say hello. There are
(15:32):
thousands of other questions that are not these, such as
what is her favorite fruit snack? You can also ask
her where did she get those shoes? You can also
ask her what is one fun thing she did this week?
I just gave you three questions that are great that
(15:53):
will actually help you get to know this person. That
are avoiding things that are none of yo business. Okay,
this ends my p s a of things you should
never ask a woman. This week, I was thinking a
(16:17):
lot about a question that a friend of mine asked
me a few months ago. She asked me, in my life,
what are the books that have most influenced encouraged me
in my black womanhood? And it's a really interesting question
to think about. I don't know how many of you
(16:37):
are avid readers or loved reading even as a kid,
but I was totally like that. I loved reading as
a kid and thinking about sort of the books that
become these different landmark readings in your life that you
remember getting ahold of that book and what it meant
to you to find yourself or see yourself on the page.
(17:00):
And just recently there have been obviously a lot of
conversation right now about how we can be supporting black
creatives and black authors included in that, and how to
uplift the stories that black people are telling, and in
particular that black women are telling. And so I wanted
to lift up a few of the books that have
(17:22):
meant the world to me in my Black Girl and
Black Woman journey. And I hope that for my black
women listeners that if you have not read some of
these books, maybe you will also be encouraged to read
them and check them out, some of them to reread,
as some of them are books that I reread at
certain different times. And for my listeners who are not
(17:45):
Black women, that hearing some of the titles of these
books or authors of these books would also be helpful
for you as you are thinking about how you can
engage more in supporting and learning from the work of
black women. First book on my list is For Colored Girls,
So I've considered suicide When the Rainbow Is Enough by
into Zaki Shang. I actually saw this choreo poem as
(18:10):
a play before I read it on its pages. I
saw it as a play when I was in college
at spem in College, and it was and still is
one of the most beautiful pieces of performance art I've
ever seen. And then it was years later that I
actually purchased the book and got to read it and
reread it and reread it. It influences me so much
(18:31):
as a poet who is writing work to perform on
stage and reading the amazing things that into Zaki Shanga
was able to do with these words that I experienced
powerfully in both forms. I experienced it powerfully as a
stage play and experienced it powerfully in its reading. I
(18:51):
do want to say, if you have watched that For
Colored Girls film that Tyler Perry made, I do highly
encourage you to also buy the book and read the
words that into Zaki Shang wrote. They are so powerful
and as happens, the movies and films do not always
or cannot always really contain all the amazing things that
(19:12):
are in a book, and this book highly recommend. Second
book on my list. These are not in any particular order.
Second book on my list is The Color Purple by
Alice Walker, which also became a film and also became
a Broadway play. Right, So I would encourage you if
you can and are able, to experience The Color Purple
and all three forums. You'll find different parts of the
(19:36):
book highlighted in a certain way in the film, highlighted
in different ways in the play and musical. The Color
Purple was a book I read, I think in eighth grade.
I was actually reading The Color Purple and this other
book called The Awakening, and I was writing a paper
on them both, but The Color Purple being at that
(19:59):
time reading, it's so young starting out. If you've never
read The Color Purple, the first few pages of The
Color Purple are some of the rawest fiction that you
may have ever read. It is a very raw story,
and I do want to give trigger warnings about that
very raw story of abuse and assault very early on
in this book. If you are able to continue on
(20:21):
as Alice Walker unfolds the story which is a story
full of letter writing, and some of that letter writing
is from Seeley, the central character, to God. Later as
the story progresses, those letters are between Celey and her
sister Nettie. There's a whole lexicon of things that come
from the color Purple for so many black women in America.
(20:44):
But the Color Purple is such a quintessential work for
me because I remember reading that novel as a junior
high student. I don't know if that was too young
or not, but I was reading it. I remember reading
it again later, maybe when I was in college. I
think I was in my twenties, maybe late twenties when
(21:07):
I saw the musical on Broadway, the one that I
went to see, Fantasia was starring as Seeley. And also,
obviously I watched the movie many many times, many many times,
like so many times. There are certain parts of that
movie that I know almost by heart. And I reread
(21:28):
the book not too long ago, and this time in
reading it, what really struck me is the strong sense
of spirituality in that book. And there are different things
that I feel that book showed me, even about God
and sort of the role of God in that story,
(21:48):
the role of God in my own life. It was
really interesting to read that and sort of read through
this lens of black woman spirituality. Highly recommend a Color
Purple and one other book that I'll recommend to you all.
I obviously have a list of bunches and bunches of these,
but one of my more recent reads is Sisters of
(22:09):
the Yam by Bell Hooks. I actually started to read
Sisters of the Yam during a time that I was
really going through a difficult time in my health and
I had had this major major surgery required a long
recovery time for for me anyway, it was six to
eight weeks. That was a long time for me at
that time in my life to just focus on sitting
(22:31):
still and getting well. And I started reading Sisters of
the Yam then. And I mean, there's a lot to
say about bell Hooks. Anything that you see bell Hooks
name on I think is worthy. Reading Sisters of the
Yam was really a healing text for me. Helped me
to really learn, as I'm continuing to learn about what
(22:54):
radical self care looks like, what it looks like to
love yourself actually really and she really goes into the
different systems that are in place that do not make
it easier, make it simple, even for black women to
love themselves. So big shout out to Bell Hooks. She
is a wonderful author and writer and thinker to read.
(23:18):
But I highly recommend Sisters of the Yam. Now add
one more. My other one, which is sort of like
a gateway book into this writer, is I Know Why
the Cage Bird Sings. And I say that because I
remember when that book was a part of Oprah's book Club,
and Oprah talking about what it meant to her to
read those first few lines. If I Know Why the
(23:39):
Cage Bird Sings, and I remember reading it and having
grown up in church and having that sort of Easter
speech moment. But I say that I Know Why The
Cage Bird Sings is a gateway because once you start
that book, then you're opening yourself up to this whole
world of the work of Dr Maya Angelo. And as
(23:59):
a poet, Dr Angelo obviously highly influenced me and the
work that I'm doing today. Some of her work were
early things that I memorized, memorizing phenomenal woman for an
oratorical contests that my church growing up used to do
every Black History Month, and memorizing still I Rise. So
(24:21):
not only is Dr Angelo's poetry amazing, but her autobiographical
series that begins with I Know Weather Cage Burstings and
goes on for several books. I think that's a wonderful
gateway to start with and just read and read and
read until you've read through all of her books. I
do want to also give a special shout out to
Phenomenal Woman. I watched a new movie recently called Miss Juneteenth.
(24:46):
Mistuneteenth is a pageant in the story of this film,
and the daughter of the central character is memorizing phenomenal
Woman to perform in the movie, and the mother has
also memorized it, and that just totally resonated with me
because that's a huge part of my history to have
memorized Dr My Angelo's work and really her work on
(25:10):
stage teaching me in its own way how to eventually
become comfortable with my own writing voice. So those are
a few books I would recommend, books I would say
have been really quintessential for me in my upbringing. So
I would encourage you dig into these works. And if
any of my listeners having suggestions for me, especially my
(25:33):
black woman listeners, you have suggestions for me of other
black womanhood books that you would love for me to
shout out here. Please let me know reach out to
me on socials. I'd love to hear it. Okay, So
for this week's podcast, we are doing a new segment,
(25:55):
but it will be recurring. I'll come back and do
this every now and then. This segment is called ask Amina.
And if you have questions you want to ask me,
it could be questions you want to know about me,
you want to know about just life, or macaroni and cheese.
We can also talk about that. If you have things
(26:17):
that you might like advice on, I will also take those.
You can use the hashtag ask Amina and I can
answer your questions that way. So I've got a few
questions from social media. So let's dive in which dance
movie gives you life? Okay, I feel like I'm about
(26:38):
to disappoint with this answer because I don't really have
a favorite dance movie. I actually don't. There are very
few like musicals or dance movies that I like. I
know some I just lost a listener probably right now
(26:59):
they're like, no, I'm out of here. I don't need
to listen to her anymore. I will tell you one
of my favorite dance scenes, and I'm like, does this
count as a dance scene? I think it does. And
I don't know if this is actually in the category
of dance movie because so many other things were going on.
But Spike Lee's movie School Days, which was this exploration
(27:25):
of historically black college and university life, has a scene
in this hair salon that is probably one of my
favorite dance scenes. So if you haven't seen School Days,
you need to see it. But if you have seen
School Days, you know immediately what I'm talking about. I'm
(27:46):
so sorry that that's the only answer I have for
you there, But if you have dance movie suggestions for me,
I'd love to hear them. Next question says when will
we have donuts together again? Like you and I and
the Royal Weed. This is from my friend Audrey Audrey.
Thank you, Audrey. You and I need to we need
to figure out how we're gonna have donuts together again.
(28:09):
It's it's first of all, it's really hard for me
and my anxiety to try to figure out how to
meet up with my friends, especially those that have been
doing a good job social distancing. It's hard to find
ways to meet up with them. And eat right, Because
it's like any other activity. If we were to, you know,
(28:30):
go for a walk outside together, if we were to
just sit on each other's porches, like socially distanced, like
that's fine, but it's like when you bring food and
drink into it. I just start getting like I still
haven't figured that out. I've had a couple of, you know,
little gatherings where I've tried this, but it's hard to
figure out because it's like, Okay, I gotta take this
mask down and eat some food, and then at some
(28:53):
point I gotta put the mask back up because I
can't like enjoy a donut or or sit and drink
coffee with you with my mask up. And yeah, like
many of you, I saw the clip where there was
like a mask designed where it had some sort of
apparatus in it where you could keep your mask on
and somehow still eat, and it just grossed me out, y'all,
(29:14):
And I just I can't. So when will we get
to have donuts together again? Audrey? I hope we figure
out a way to do it soon, the Royal we
When will we have donuts together again? I don't know.
I feel like our safest bet is to get our
own collective donuts and have some sort of zoom donut
(29:35):
eating that's like the best best. Otherwise, I don't know,
you have to find some sort of like six ft
long table and you and your friends sit at the
ends of it. I wonder if that's going to happen eventually. Well,
first of all, we hope we're not in the pandemic
long enough for this to happen, But um, I don't
know the way that things are being handled right now.
(29:55):
It makes me feel like we won't be in this
for a while. So I'm like, I don't know if
coffee shops are gonna like get rid of the little
small circle tables where it was like really intimate for
you to like go there on a date or sit
there with your friend and talk. Like, is it going
to turn into like all the tables and coffee shops
are like six ft long, all those long like farmer
(30:15):
looking tables, except now instead of like eight people being
able to sit there, only two people sit there, and
they sit at either end. I just don't know all
that to say, let us talk about donuts, because this
is very important. I'm a big fan of donuts. I
will share with you all that I have a passion
project that I do with my sister in law. We
(30:36):
have a pop up podcast called Here for the Donuts,
And I say pop up because it basically pops up
when she and I actually have time to record it.
So we haven't posted a new one in a while,
but you can go there and listen to the archives
of that and here all of the amazing donut places
we've been to. I want to give a shout out
(30:56):
to my favorite donut place in Atlanta, Revolution Don't. That's
They're my favorite place. They are the place that my
friend Audrey and I love to get donuts as well.
So what is your favorite donut place? I'd love to
hear from y'all tell me more about that, all right.
Next question, somebody's trying to get vulnerable today? How do
(31:19):
you keep going and keep your heart soft? Woo h
that's deep. That's a deep question today. How do you
keep going and keep your heart soft? Um? I think
the name of the game from me, I probably would
never describe it as like keeping my heart soft, but
I think what that phrase sounds like to me is
(31:41):
like how do you remain open? How do you remain vulnerable?
Even in the middle of times, whether collectively or personally,
that would, you know, cause you to have a heart
that's hardened, or cause you to not remain open too
things to people, etcetera. I think a part of that
(32:02):
for me is really the phrase that came in my
mind first is self care. And I know when we
hear that phrase sometimes you know, this is the same
for me to like, like I hear that phrase and
immediately start like rolling my eyes, like I don't want
to hear about any more bath bombs. But as an aside,
actually really love bath bombs. But you know, I think
when we hear self care, we just think like we
(32:25):
think about baths and facials and all sorts of things
like that. But for me, self care encompasses quite a
few things. It right now in this season of my
life includes therapy. I think that's one thing that keeps
my heart open and soft is having a place to
talk to a professional about the things that I am
(32:46):
processing mentally and emotionally, having someone who's objective, who doesn't
have any personal skin in the game in my life
that can hear what's underneath the things that I might
be thinking or the patterns that I have in my life.
That's been really helpful. Having a squad of wonderful women
(33:09):
friends is also something that has kept my heart very
open and soft, because when you have good and deep friendships,
I mean for me that is very much you know,
my women friendships, but whatever those friendships you know look
like for you, just having people that you don't have
(33:31):
to put on for them. You can tell them your insecurities,
you can tell them where you're struggling, you can tell
them your petty thoughts, you know, and really be vulnerable
and be yourself whether yourself feels beautiful that day, whether
yourself feels not so beautiful that day, whatever. And I
(33:53):
think having people like that in my life um has
been really helpful. I would say my husband all so
and my husband and I were friends before we were
ever together romantically. We're actually like chatting about that before
we started recording. And I think having a spouse and
a partner in life that I can really be who
(34:16):
I am with. You know, I live in the same
house with him, but I can also be at home
with him. That's a big help for me. I've been
thinking a lot about what my spiritual practice looks like
in this season of life, and I mean for me,
I am a Christian, I'm a part of the Christian tradition,
and I have been examining a lot of like, well,
(34:39):
what are my spiritual practices, you know, within my faith context,
and what are some new spiritual practices that are maybe
things that I didn't grow up with in my faith context,
but are wonderful spiritual practices for me. So gospel music
is a big one for me. Some of those songs
(35:00):
just still are just in the core of my soul
and help remind me that there is a life and
a world and God that's bigger than I am. That's
something that helps keep my heart soft. I am just
ankle deep in meditation. I'm very new to meditation. I
(35:22):
haven't gotten to the point where I'm doing meditation and assisted.
I've been doing guided meditation, and I've been using their
two apps that I really love. I love the Headspace
app and I love the Shine app as well. And
I especially love the Shine app because I'm getting to
hear the voices of women of color on their guiding
(35:44):
meditation and different sleep stories and things like that. So
meditation has been really helpful for me in keeping my
heart soft because it is something that helps me remain
grounded and centered. It's a place where I can come
back to focusing on my breath and things like that.
(36:04):
So that's been really important for me. So those are
a few things, uh that are really keeping me going
right now, keeping my heart soft, and of course, you know,
finding ways to laugh and finding the things that bring
me joy. I love cooking. I love cooking really for
the mindfulness. I think sometimes cooking itself we're baking, can
be a spiritual practice. I've been watching a lot more
(36:27):
comedies lately just to remind myself to laugh and be silly.
I'll tell you something else than my husband and I
have been doing. I don't know if you'all have been
watching Cobra Kai on Netflix. I love Cobra Kai. It's everything,
and it's probably everything to me in particular because I
also was a Karate Kid fan. I never took karate
(36:48):
as a kid or anything like that, but I loved
Karate Kid the whole series. I loved it. So when
my husband and I went back to watch Cobra Kai,
it's just like this wonderful moment where you're getting to
see like whatever happened end to Daniel sign. Okay, so
one thing that we've been doing is whenever there's a
fight scene in Cobra Kai, we stand up and we
(37:09):
do our own karate kicks and we yell how yah
ha yah ha ya. And I'm gonna tell you, if
you have an argument with your spouse, you have a
fight with your partner, you'll have talked it out and
then you'll get to the point where like there's really
nothing else to say in the argument and it's just
that awkward air where like you either resolved it or
(37:31):
you've resolved as much as you can, you know, in
a conversation, but do you still just have the awkward
air and need to deal with it? Listen, give yourself
three karate kicks and yell haya three times. Totally gets
rid of the awkward air. I'm here giving your relationship tips. Okay, please,
next question, do you ever struggle with putting yourself your
(37:53):
work out for all to see and judge? Okay, I'm
gonna answer these two separately, regarding putting yourself and then
putting your work out there, because I'll say those two
are kind of different for me. So regarding putting my
work out there, do I ever struggle with it. Absolutely.
(38:15):
As I've grown older, matured as a writer, I feel
like my work gets more and more vulnerable because I
am becoming more and more comfortable with really being myself.
So there have been several pieces that I've written, in particular,
more and more in the last several years, that I
(38:37):
have felt really nervous to put out there because they
were so vulnerable. I wrote a poem called Mothers of
Invisible Children that was about my experience with miscarriage. And
I remember the first time I ever performed, well, I
wouldn't say performed that piece. It's such a vulnerable piece.
I always read it. I would be too hard and
(38:59):
too emotional even to memorize for me. But I remember
I was performing at our one of our local open mics.
I was the feature artist for one of the events,
and I don't know why, but that poem was really
like in my mind leading up to the event, and
(39:21):
I just decided to start my set with it and
to hold space for people that had experienced miscarriage, to
hold space for people that had experience just grief and
loss overall. And so there is this struggle, especially for
me as a poet and putting out work that is
(39:42):
very vulnerable, because sometimes as a poet, I'm you know,
I'm writing about TV sitcoms, or I'm writing about all
the things I think are amazing about being a black girl.
You know, those poems I don't as much struggle putting
out there because they're not vulnerable in the same way
as if I'm telling some thing that is a hard
story for me. So a lot of times I will say,
(40:05):
for me as a writer, I've learned that it's okay
for me to write something vulnerable and that it may
not be for the public. I have many poems that
never see the light of day as far as anyone
else seeing them, but it doesn't mean they were any
less important to write. And then there are things that
I have written for my own private processing, and then
(40:29):
those things get to a point where I realize, this
is something that I think may help someone else, or
helps someone else feel seen or known or understood, and
that makes it important to share in public. So I
think I do a lot of processing about the work
that I do share, and I make decisions about what's
private and what's public. And I have to say I
(40:52):
worry less about how the work will be judged once
I've come to peace with why I put it out there.
So I think that's one of the things that I
guess helps me, and that struggle is knowing what is
the purpose that makes me want to put out this work,
and the purpose in a lot of cases for me,
will override whatever criticism or judgment could come from it. Now,
(41:17):
let me go back to this question, considering it not
just about my work, but about myself. Do you ever
struggle with putting yourself out there for all to see
and judge? And I probably struggle with that for myself
even more than my work, because as a writer, you're
constantly drafting and editing. By the time of peace comes
out in the public. I'm not a person that writes
(41:38):
a first draft and then that night puts it out there.
Like if I put something out there in the public,
it's gone through a lot of drafting, which has given
me time to process what I'm saying, to process if
I stand for what I said and all those things.
Whereas when you are just out in the world in
society being yourself, you know you're not always able to
(42:00):
process at all and do all these edits. You know
to yourself, you just are who you are. So yes,
I do struggle with putting myself out there for people
to see and judge, you know, other reasons to be
in therapy, because I do talk to my therapist about
that that there are a lot of ways that my
own inner voice is very judgmental of myself. So sometimes
(42:22):
it's not even just the struggle of how other people
will judge me, it's also the struggle of how I
inwardly judge myself. So a lot of my you know,
inner healing work in therapy and honestly in prayer and
in my relationships to you know, my family and my
friends who have really you know, helped me in the
(42:45):
healing process of learning to love and accept who I
am and be fully who I am. And of course
time and age you know, for me has helped with
that too. I just probably care less at this stage
of life, then maybe I would have tenure as ago
as far as you know, feeling like I need to
make myself something else for other people. I think all
(43:05):
of those spaces are very helpful for me in being
who I am. And I think in a way accepting
that people will judge and they will criticize, I remember
I was in uh not with my current therapist, but
with a therapist I had in the past. We were
having a conversation about how, you know, I kept saying
(43:27):
yes to things and I wouldn't say no to enough things,
and she asked me why, and I said, well, I
just hate to disappoint people. And she was like, I
have something to tell you. She was like, no matter
what you do, people will be disappointed. And I know
that seems so simple, y'all, and so like basic facts,
(43:49):
but I just didn't think of it that way. I
just really thought, like, I can do a bunch of
things so that people won't be disappointed. And when she
said that, it really freed me, and I think it
can also be freeing to realize people are going to judge.
People are going to criticize you. People are not going
(44:12):
to understand who you are, the decisions you need to
make to do what's best for you. They're just going
to be people who don't get that, who think that's
dumb or stupid or whatever. And they are not the center.
They are not why you do what you do or
why you should continue to be who you are, you know,
(44:32):
and they deserve less energy and less space. The people
who do accept you and who do show you love
and support, those people deserve more of your energy and
and really even peeling back the layer of that that
I should accept myself and judge myself less to so
great question. Okay, next question, boy, y'all came in here
(44:56):
with some questions today, Like I'm glad that I have
a therapy of WIMAN today because maybe I should take
these questions into therapy and ask my therapist these questions too. Okay.
Next question says, how did you overcome imposter syndrome? Mm hmm,
And I'm curious almost to know what is the definition
(45:17):
of imposter syndrome. I'm actually gonna look one up real quick. Okay.
General definition, imposter syndrome is a psychological pattern in which
an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has
a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. Yo.
(45:40):
I actually have three overcome questions right here, and I
want to say before I get into any of them
that I feel like imposter syndrome. We're also going to
talk about writer's block and insecurity. All three of these
are things that are going to come up periodically, and
I think it's less of like will you ever get
(46:01):
to a place where you're like, oh, I don't think
about that anymore. I don't deal with that. Maybe you will,
but for most of us that won't be the case.
For most of us. It will mean those thoughts, those
feelings will pop up, but it will be more of
a question of what is your process for how you
deal with those things when they come up? What's your
emotional filing system? If that makes sense, of like where
(46:22):
do you put those things so they go in their
proper place instead of being at the center of how
you have to interact and live in the world. One
of the things that helps me with imposter syndrome is, again,
you know, my community and relationships, the people who are
close to me. I have amazing friends in general, but
I have two friends who I was actually just talking
(46:43):
to a friend about this. I think in one of
these episodes, I want to talk about like the types
of friends that I think every person should have, So
I'm gonna work on that. But we were talking about
how it's important to have friends that you know in
your personal life, but it's also important to have friends
that you know in your professional life as well. And
(47:04):
I have two friends who we talk about our personal
lives too, but we also talk a lot about work
because we work in similar industries, even though we all
do different things. And I have two friends that when
I get a big meeting, for example, and I'm just like,
oh my gosh. You know, sometimes I'll get a big
meeting with someone who's work I've admired a long time,
or who I'm super impressed with, and I will have
(47:27):
to call one of those friends and go, who, girl,
I'm about to have this meeting with you know, insert
of this person's name. Give me the talk, you know.
And I have really good friends in my life, you know.
I have one friend in particular that I can think
about and she'll tell me like, hey, you're a badass too,
just because you're gonna go in and meet with this person.
(47:48):
You know, they might be a badass, but you're a
badass too. And I think having people that can speak
the truth back to you, because imposter syndrome is inevitably
and intrinsically a lie, because it is not speaking to
you about who you are, it's speaking to you about
how you perceive yourself, how other people perceive you. And
sometimes you need somebody who's sort of outside of you
(48:11):
that can remind you, hey, girl like you, let me
tell you who you are, let me tell you these
things that you've accomplished. Let me tell you these things
you've survived and you've made it through. So that's been
a big help for me in walking through impostor syndrome.
I think also the other thing that helps me with
impostor syndrome is just remaining connected to the women that
(48:34):
I come from. And I think about my mom, and
I think about my grandmother, and I think about my
great grandmother, and thinking about the things that they survived,
that they went through, that they invested in so that
I could, you know, be a podcast host and be
a poet, and you know, have you know, a business
(48:54):
with my husband. There are all these things in my
life that I would not be able to do if
those women had not on before me. And I think
when I remain connected to that, it also helps me
to not be so focused on worrying only about myself.
But it helps me to remember that I can walk
in confidence because of the women who came before me
(49:16):
and just sort of widens my view. And I think
that can be really helpful with imposter syndrome when we
widen the view of who we are, of our place
in the world, of the people that worked hard and
sacrifice so we could get to the place where we
are and be who we are. When I think about
my great grandmother not even being able to graduate high school,
(49:39):
but she sacrificed that so that my grandmother could graduate
from high school, and my grandmother's sacrificed so that my
mother could become a nurse and make it to college,
and my single mom sacrifice so that my sister and
I both could go to college, graduate and be artists,
and you know, live our lives according to the things
(49:59):
we passionate about, Like I wouldn't be able to do
this if it weren't for those women, And that sort
of helps me remember my confidence is not just you know,
only like in myself and what I have, what I
can do in this moment, that I am really standing
in the confidence and in the strength of these women
before me. So that's been huge helpful for me. Next
(50:20):
question says, how do you overcome writer's block? Wop wop
wop Yo. Writer's blocked sucks. It sucks. I feel like
the longest period of time I've had writer's blog. I
think it was maybe I think it was a year
and a half. I think so far, that's the longest
(50:42):
I've gone since I've been an adult anyway without writing.
And I want to normalize writer's block. I think sometimes
writer's block comes up for us as writers, and we
are afraid that it means we will never write. And
I think if we normalize that, writer's block is going
(51:02):
to happen. And writer's block happens for various reasons, but
if we normalize it, then we know writer's block is
going to come. And instead of me fearing it and
like clinching myself, you know, and forcing myself to try
to not have writer's block, we can sort of welcome
the process of writer's block in a way and maybe
(51:24):
do some digging to figure out can we sense the
reasons why we might have writer's block, how can we
move past that, or how can we sit in writer's
block until we're no longer blocked? Right? So, um, there's
a couple of things. Sometimes writer's block happens because we're tired.
I can't write when I'm exhausted, and that can mean
(51:47):
physically exhausted. That can mean emotionally exhausted. I also think
there is a such thing as being creatively exhausted as well,
And that doesn't mean you're being exhausted in creative ways,
but it means like you're creative rain. The part of
you that thinks up new ideas is exhausted. You know,
when I finished writing my second book, How to Fix
(52:09):
a Broken Record, that was the longest period I had
of writer's block. After I wrote that book, I didn't
write a year a year and a half. I think
that that year and a half, right there was the stretch.
In A part of that was just having creative fatigue
in a way that I put so much of myself
emotionally into this book and I just kind of had
to re up, you know, and it took me a
(52:31):
long time, and some other like really terrible things happened
in that same time. So because those terrible things happened
in addition to the book, that just shut me down completely.
But it didn't mean anything was wrong with me that
I couldn't write. It just meant I needed some time
away from it. I needed some time to rest and
(52:53):
heal and find my voice right. Sometimes we have writer's
block because we're afraid of what we have to write.
Sometimes we have writer's block because we know what we
need to write and we fear it, and that you
can also walk through. And sometimes for me, when I
have that type of writer's block, like if I'm working
(53:15):
on a book, for example, and books are always scary
to write, I don't care who's writing them. Okay, well,
I will say I don't know about fiction books because
I've never written fiction, but writing nonfiction is always scary
for me and most of my friends who write nonfiction books.
It's always a scary process. You're always afraid. You would
(53:35):
rather run and do anything else for weeks before you
want to sit down and write this book. So sometimes
you're gonna have writer's block because you're afraid, and there
are you know, little techniques that you can use to
help yourself work through that fear. Sometimes for me it'll
just be like, Okay, maybe I can't sit down and
write like a thousand words today, but I can sit
(53:56):
in my chair for thirty minutes, for twenty five minutes
and just right whatever comes out, and then as soon
as my alarm goes off, I'm going to get up
and run away from here. So I think you have
to dig underneath, you know, what are the reasons why
you might be having writer's block. The other thing I
will say is sometimes you have writer's block because you
are letting your editor and your critic in the room
with you when you write, and they are not welcome
(54:20):
in the room when you write. You need your editor
voice at a later point in the writing process, but
at the very beginning, you need to just write. And
if we let our editor voice in the room with us,
then our editor voice can cause us to have writer's block,
because then we're questioning every word we write. We're questioning
did the comma get put in the right place? And
(54:41):
should we use the m dash? And should we use
us at my colin you know? And all those questions
don't belong in the writer's room, uh, in your personal
writer's room. It should be you and your thoughts or
your characters, the voice of the story that you want
to tell. You let your editor in after you've written.
(55:01):
So those are a few things I do to overcome
writer's block. Last question, how do you overcome insecurity? Woo,
y'all were not playing with these questions. Y'all really hit
me with some ask Amana questions this time, how do
you overcome insecurity? I repeat what I said when I
got into these first overcome questions. I don't know if
(55:23):
insecurity is something you ever completely overcome. I don't know
that there's any human being that's like I never feel
insecure over your whole life. You'll have different reasons to
feel insecure, different things that you'll be insecure about. I
think it's less about getting to a point where you
no longer feel insecure at all, and more about how
you process insecurities when they come up, and how you
(55:48):
manage your emotions and your thoughts as you walk through that. So, no,
I have not overcome insecurity, and I probably won't in
my whole life. But I don't know if this sounds
we it or not. But one of the things that
that has been helpful to me in overcoming insecurity is
spending time alone with myself. And I have really had
(56:10):
a hard time doing that sometimes because I love engaging
with people and I love talking with them even when
I'm alone. Sometimes I'm like, you know, I have all
these different apps where I talk to my different friends
across the country, and the times that I feel the
most insecure when I give myself some time away from
the phone, when I take that time to read or
(56:32):
sit just in silence quietly, even sometimes when I'm driving
and I'm just by myself, driving, listening to music, just
spending time with myself, it really helps me to become
more secure in who I am and to accept who
I am, and that I am a beautiful person, that
I'm a beautiful human being, and that I'm also imperfect,
(56:53):
that I'm going to mess up. You know, that I'm
a human with imperfections, that I hurt, that I get angry,
that I make mistakes, and that sometimes I do things
that make me so proud of myself. You know. But
in a way, our security can't be found externally. We're
(57:14):
not going to find our security and our relationships to
other people. Other people can't make us feel more secure
about ourselves. That's our own work that we have to do.
And when we spend time with ourselves, it helps us
to get to know ourselves and it helps us to
love ourselves. And I think that security in accepting who
we are comes from being able to be with who
(57:35):
we are and love us in a similar way that
we know sort of give that attention to other people,
but giving ourselves that same energy. My therapist said something
to me when I was talking to her, uh several
sessions ago, and I was, you know, telling her how,
you know, I really really love to be a good
friend to my friends, to be supportive to them when
(57:55):
they are going through a hard thing, to cheer them
on when they're going through a great thing. And I
told her, you know, due to some things going on
in my life, I felt like I just wasn't able
to be there for my friends as much as I
wanted to be. And she said to me, after evaluating
all the things that were going on in my life,
she said, I think it's good that you want to
(58:17):
be a good friend. But she said, I want you
to remember that you can be a good friend to
yourself too. And so I wrote that on a post
it note, and every now and then I come across
that post it note and I remember it. So we
can begin the journey of becoming more secure in who
we are when we remember to be our own friend too.
So I hope that's helpful to you all. This was great.
(58:39):
You all ask some great questions on this week's edition
of hashtag Ask Amina. So I'll come back periodically and
we'll do this and if you have any questions, you
can feel free to send me d M. I am
mostly active on Instagram a little bit on Twitter as well,
so feel free to comment on any of the podcast
(59:00):
post that you see and let me know what questions
you have. I'd love to address them next time. So
every week here on Her with Amina Brown, I like
to close the episode by choosing a woman of color
and giving her a crown. And what it means when
(59:20):
I give her a crown, I just think of a
woman of color whose work is amazing, whose personal story
really inspires me, and it gives me an opportunity to
celebrate her, because women of color deserves to be celebrated.
And maybe you also know some women of color in
your own life that deserve a crown. So I really
(59:42):
encourage you to give them a crown. Give them their
flowers while they can smell them and appreciate them, right,
give them all of the good words and encouragement as
you can, because we can't get enough of that. Right.
So for this week's give her a crown, I want
to give a crown to Milk, and milk is spelled
(01:00:04):
M I L c. K. Milk is a fabulous singer songwriter.
She wrote the song I Can't Keep Quiet and as
the founder of the I Can't Keep Quiet movement. I
got to hear Milk on this side of stage at
the Together Live tour last fall fall of nineteen in
(01:00:25):
the before times when we were still going to live events,
and I was a part of the tour as well.
I was performing poetry there. But Milk opened up one
of the nights of the tour with her music and
just hearing her they're playing at the piano, hearing her
amazing voice singing I was one of the most beautiful
(01:00:46):
things I witnessed on the tour. So I've been following
her ever since, and even in these times now that
we are in a pandemic as well as in an uprising,
and watching the ways that Milk is using her voice
and her music to uplift us, to speak the truth
to us, to remind us to care for ourselves and
(01:01:07):
care for each other. I just think that's beautiful. Her
newest single, Somebody's Beloved or It Could Be Beloved, is
out now wherever you like to stream your music, so
make sure you follow Milk. You can get all this
information in the show notes. On Amina Brown dot com
slash her with Amina, you can get a link to
(01:01:30):
Milk's website there, as well as information about how you
can follow her, stream her music, download her music, support
her music. She's amazing. Yes, Yes, Milk give her a crown.
(01:02:00):
Part with Amina Brown is produced by Matt Owen for
Sole Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women
Podcast Network in partnership with I Heart Radio. Thanks for
listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.
Hey, y'all, welcome back to her with Amina Brown and yes, people,
we are a week away from election day. In some ways,
I want to say we made it. In other ways,
I want to say, even though we got a week,
we still got a long way to go. Okay. So
this is your friendly voting reminder. Hopefully you have already voted,
(00:32):
maybe through early voting or mailing in your ballot by now,
but if you haven't, this is your reminder to do so.
Make sure you get out and vote or stay home
and vote. But whatever you do vote, it's very important
in every election to vote, especially important in this election.
(00:53):
Make sure you do it. So. As a woman, I
have been asked quite a few inappropriate questions, and not
(01:14):
too long ago, prior to the pandemic, I was asked
a very inappropriate question in a professional setting and this
just made me think about what are the things that
you should never ask a woman? And I thought, instead
of just including my own narrative, I put it out
there to my social media community to ask people to
tell me one thing that you should never ask a woman.
(01:38):
So I want to go through these because I want
to share your responses and I'm hoping if there's anyone
listening that you hear a question you have asked in
this list that you will learn today to never ask
those things of a woman. Question number one is that
your hair. Never ask a woman is that your hair?
(02:03):
If she decides she wants to tell you, then maybe
she will. If she bought it, it's all her hair,
question too, what she wants to eat? I feel a
little attacked by this question. And my husband is the
producer of this podcast, and I feel attacked that when
I said that out loud, he turned to look at me.
(02:24):
I feel attacked because you know what, I'm a skipped
to the next question, question three. This is a combination
of questions along the same lines, why are you single?
Why are you still single? And why aren't you married?
Stop asking people about their relationship status. If they want
(02:45):
to share it with you, then they will, but stop
asking them about it. I think sometimes I'm wondering, is
the problem that people just are not good at conversation
or are even not good at small talk. And I
get it some people, you know you just hate small talk.
But a lot of these questions are coming up in
(03:05):
some small talk situations. So I do want to provide
some suggestions at the end of this of things you
could ask other than these questions. But I have to
say also, these questions do not just come from strangers.
Sometimes they also come from people that you know. But
they're asking you this question in a setting that is
not like, you know, you and your best friend were
(03:26):
talking and your best friends like, I don't even know,
but I'm saying that, And I'm like, I don't even
know that the best friend would ever be like, why
are you still single? A best friend might say, how
is your dating life going right? Don't ask these questions
why are you single? Why are you still single? Why
aren't you Mary? Don't ask those questions? Question number four
were you born a woman? I I want to do,
(03:49):
not ask these questions ever. Question five a combination here,
can you calm down? And why are you so emotional?
In the history of women in woman ing, it has
never helped a woman relax by asking her if she
can calm down? And I resent the question why are
you so emotional? Because I think there's this insinuation there
(04:13):
that to be emotional is to be a weakness, and
to be emotional is actually a great strength and can
be a great strength. But if other people don't know
how to handle their emotions. Then sometimes they project onto
you that you are what too emotional or that you
have too many feelings? I think any time the word
too and the T o o is placed in front
of a word regarding a woman, it's not a jam
(04:36):
too emotional, too thick, too big, too tall, too short,
to whatever that is. You're not too anything. You are
who you are in the fullness of that. Don't ever
ask a woman these things. Also, let's just cover I'm
covering all the pregnancy and child questions right here. Do
not ask a woman when are you do? Are you pregnant?
(05:00):
Is there a baby in there? That one really makes
me mad. Why don't you have kids? When are you
going to have a baby? When are you going to
have another baby? Let's stop and have a moment right here.
Just in general, if you see a woman, I don't
care if she has a stomach that looks like she's
carrying another adult in there, you keep your eyes on
(05:24):
the road, You keep your eyes in her eyes. You
don't ask her anything unless she says the words to you,
I am pregnant. She says the words to you, I
would like to talk to you about my pregnancy, because
even I am pregnant is not an invitation to have
further conversation with her about her body. So she would
(05:45):
basically have to say a paragraph of things to you.
I'm pregnant, and I would love to talk to you,
as a stranger about the myriad details of my pregnancy.
Please ask me a question. If you ever hear that
from a woman, go on, ask her is there a
baby in there? Ask her all the questions. Don't ask
her when is she going to have another baby? And
let me just give a little p s a right here.
(06:06):
You don't know the story that a woman may have
behind pregnancy, fertility loss. You don't know any of those things.
So these questions that people might assume are small talk,
are innocent questions are never innocent questions. And I just
want to yell from the rooftops. Never ask a woman
(06:27):
these questions. And I just want to say, if you're
listening and you have been asked these questions, I think
it's well within your rights to just go ahead and
come up with and equally uncomfortable response, you know, Like
I'm still trying to think through this. There was somebody
on my Facebook page who said whenever someone would ask
her why she doesn't have kids or when she's gonna
(06:50):
have kids, she would say to them, when was the
last time you had sex? And they would get like
super uncomfortable. Right there, I think you should definitely come
up with and answer right there. So far are one
of the ones I'm sticking with is if someone is
asking me why don't I have kids, if they want
to know when I'm gonna try, and I trying all
those things, my replacement question for them is I'm going
(07:11):
to ask them have they had sex with a bear?
And I feel like that's an equally important question to ask,
you know, like if you can ask me what my
genitalia or my other reproductive organs are doing, then I
should be able to point the question back to you.
And if you feel uncomfortable answering, then you should feel
uncomfortable asking me. Do not inquire about what anyone's genitalia
(07:33):
are reproductive organs are doing. Do not inquire, next question,
what's your cup size? This question really sent me like
I was commenting with people a little bit when I
was asking this question, and I can't imagine a situation
I would be in where someone who I don't know well,
or who I don't feel comfortable with would ask me
(07:54):
my cup size? I just okay. Next, this question is
a banger. Is it that time of the month? I
tell you the truth. First of all, periods have been
blamed for quite a few things that are really the
fault of sexism, and I stand by that. I mean,
(08:14):
I can remember times in high school that I would,
you know, be overhearing a conversation where you know, a
girl is getting mad about a particular thing, and it's
a guy looking at her saying more than likely a
phrase like this or similar to are you on the rag? Right?
And I'm not the only person who remembers these types
of phrases too. So is it that time of the month?
(08:36):
Maybe it is, but whatever it is is none of
your business. Whatever time of the month is none of
your business. And also, periods get thrown under the bus
when periods are just fine. Periods are happening to probably
more than half of the population of the world. Okay,
periods are normal. Periods are fine, There's no thing wrong
(09:00):
with a woman having a time of the month. But
also there is this insinuation right that because a woman
is having her air quotes time of the month, or
because a person is having their air quotes time of
the month, right, that that means that person is whil
and out. They're angry, they can't handle their feelings and emotions.
And yet we see men in leadership all over America
(09:27):
who do not have an air quotes time of the
month and yet managed to be irrational and managed to
make decisions based solely on their feelings. But no one's
asking them is it their testicles time of the month? Okay,
let's go on. Next question, asking a lesbian couple who
(09:48):
is the man in the relationship. If you have asked
this question, I hope this is your warning. Do not
do that ever. Ever again, never ask a woman or
a lesbian couple this question. Next question. This question actually
is opening up with what is supposed to sound like
a compliment, and then it's not right, you look good?
(10:10):
Have you lost weight? What? Also? Have you gained weight?
Either of these questions regarding weight are not on the
table of questions to ask. Okay, first of all, whatever
a person is doing with their weight is whatever they
want to do with it. You don't get to comment
whether they lost it or they gained it. And sometimes.
(10:32):
Isn't it interesting that in these conversations regarding lost weight
or gained weight, that there can be depending on your
cultural background, right, there can be particular value placed on
whether you've lost weight or you gained weight. Right, Like
I remember there will be times that we would get
together for our family reunion, and most of my family
is from North Carolina, so we all get together for
(10:52):
like a family reunion, and if you had not been
around the family in a while, there was typically some
commentary on your weight. Right. There is typically this comment
of either baby, have you been eaten? Do you even
eat any food? You're waste in a way, right, Or
there would be this comment to say, oh baby, you
(11:12):
don't got large, you don't got huge. I mean, you
know you can be in these situations, not just with strangers,
but even with your family members. People don't comment on
people's way, Okay, don't do that. There's no reason why
you need to have that discussion. And we don't need
to place value upon losing or gaining weight. We don't
want to place value on people based on their body.
(11:36):
You want to place value on them based on who
they are. We want to accept them in all of
the ways their body represents itself. Okay, boom, Next does
the carpet match the drapes? I? I I understand that
people feel, you know, very interested in home decore because
(12:00):
of h G t V. I I understand that you know,
you're you're interested in what other people are doing with
their ship lap. But look, you save those questions for
when it's somebody's actual house. You don't need to be
worried about nobody's carpet, nobody's drapes, nobody's balanced valance, whatever, whatever.
You don't need to be worried vellum. You don't need
(12:21):
to be worried about any of that on anybody's body. Okay,
you saved that for some show on renovation. You don't
do that when you're talking to someone. And hey, if
a person gives you permission to see the carpet or
see the drapes, then you'll find out. But if you're
(12:42):
not in a situation where they've given you permission to
know what the drapes or the carpet or the wallpaper
are doing, you don't need to be worried about it. Okay,
next question, how many people have you slept with? I
just tire of the ways that people are wearing us
(13:02):
out with these questions how many people have you slept with? Um?
I just have to go back to a very basic
junior high answer, and the answer is none you and yes.
None of you is a number. None of you is
an amount, it is quantified. None of you is to
say never it is a long amount of time. None
you involves a lot of um enumeration, and none of
(13:24):
you is basically saying whatever the number is, it's what
none of your business. Thank you Sat and Pepper for
reminding us about that. Okay, it's none of your business.
You don't even know about that. If a person choose
to share that with you, they share it, but you
don't need to be asking it. You don't even know
about that. Okay. Next, why don't you smile more? It
is not our job as women to entertain. It's not
(13:47):
our job as women to have to make people comfortable.
We smile when we want to smile, and when we
don't want to smile, we don't. So you don't need
to be quantifying or measuring how much I smile. You
gonna be worry about why I don't ask my more? Okay?
In general, I want to remind everyone. Don't ask questions
about a woman's a woman's body, don't ask questions regarding
(14:08):
her period, don't ask questions about things that are a
woman's personal business that don't have nothing to do with you.
And I want to give honorable mention. These three things
were not questions, but they were brought up a couple
of times as I was talking to people from social media.
These three statements are also things you should never say
to a woman. Number one, you look tired. What I'm
supposed to do with that information you tell me I
(14:28):
look tired, I't supposed to do at the moment you
say it to me, I'm supposed to go lay down,
take a nap somewhere, Like what's what? I look tired?
Maybe I am tired, but maybe I'm not. And now
you told me I look tired? What is the point
of it? Don't say it. Number two, hush. I'm gonna
also add to this. Unless you're a librarian and I'm
(14:49):
in the library making noise where there were clearly signs
that stated don't talk in here, you should not be
telling a woman to hush or shush. And lastly, you
should not be telling a woman to calm down. And
it's not gonna work. Actually, it's not a good tactic.
Just like when a woman is angry or upset, how
(15:10):
men in the movies always kiss her. Terrible tactic. Okay,
don't do these things. What are things that you can
say instead? When you are looking to just have small
talk in a personal or professional situation. Maybe you find
yourself at you know, the or d'ev's table next to
a woman you just wanted to say hello. There are
(15:32):
thousands of other questions that are not these, such as
what is her favorite fruit snack? You can also ask
her where did she get those shoes? You can also
ask her what is one fun thing she did this week?
I just gave you three questions that are great that
(15:53):
will actually help you get to know this person. That
are avoiding things that are none of yo business. Okay,
this ends my p s a of things you should
never ask a woman. This week, I was thinking a
(16:17):
lot about a question that a friend of mine asked
me a few months ago. She asked me, in my life,
what are the books that have most influenced encouraged me
in my black womanhood? And it's a really interesting question
to think about. I don't know how many of you
(16:37):
are avid readers or loved reading even as a kid,
but I was totally like that. I loved reading as
a kid and thinking about sort of the books that
become these different landmark readings in your life that you
remember getting ahold of that book and what it meant
to you to find yourself or see yourself on the page.
(17:00):
And just recently there have been obviously a lot of
conversation right now about how we can be supporting black
creatives and black authors included in that, and how to
uplift the stories that black people are telling, and in
particular that black women are telling. And so I wanted
to lift up a few of the books that have
(17:22):
meant the world to me in my Black Girl and
Black Woman journey. And I hope that for my black
women listeners that if you have not read some of
these books, maybe you will also be encouraged to read
them and check them out, some of them to reread,
as some of them are books that I reread at
certain different times. And for my listeners who are not
(17:45):
Black women, that hearing some of the titles of these
books or authors of these books would also be helpful
for you as you are thinking about how you can
engage more in supporting and learning from the work of
black women. First book on my list is For Colored Girls,
So I've considered suicide When the Rainbow Is Enough by
into Zaki Shang. I actually saw this choreo poem as
(18:10):
a play before I read it on its pages. I
saw it as a play when I was in college
at spem in College, and it was and still is
one of the most beautiful pieces of performance art I've
ever seen. And then it was years later that I
actually purchased the book and got to read it and
reread it and reread it. It influences me so much
(18:31):
as a poet who is writing work to perform on
stage and reading the amazing things that into Zaki Shanga
was able to do with these words that I experienced
powerfully in both forms. I experienced it powerfully as a
stage play and experienced it powerfully in its reading. I
(18:51):
do want to say, if you have watched that For
Colored Girls film that Tyler Perry made, I do highly
encourage you to also buy the book and read the
words that into Zaki Shang wrote. They are so powerful
and as happens, the movies and films do not always
or cannot always really contain all the amazing things that
(19:12):
are in a book, and this book highly recommend. Second
book on my list. These are not in any particular order.
Second book on my list is The Color Purple by
Alice Walker, which also became a film and also became
a Broadway play. Right, So I would encourage you if
you can and are able, to experience The Color Purple
and all three forums. You'll find different parts of the
(19:36):
book highlighted in a certain way in the film, highlighted
in different ways in the play and musical. The Color
Purple was a book I read, I think in eighth grade.
I was actually reading The Color Purple and this other
book called The Awakening, and I was writing a paper
on them both, but The Color Purple being at that
(19:59):
time reading, it's so young starting out. If you've never
read The Color Purple, the first few pages of The
Color Purple are some of the rawest fiction that you
may have ever read. It is a very raw story,
and I do want to give trigger warnings about that
very raw story of abuse and assault very early on
in this book. If you are able to continue on
(20:21):
as Alice Walker unfolds the story which is a story
full of letter writing, and some of that letter writing
is from Seeley, the central character, to God. Later as
the story progresses, those letters are between Celey and her
sister Nettie. There's a whole lexicon of things that come
from the color Purple for so many black women in America.
(20:44):
But the Color Purple is such a quintessential work for
me because I remember reading that novel as a junior
high student. I don't know if that was too young
or not, but I was reading it. I remember reading
it again later, maybe when I was in college. I
think I was in my twenties, maybe late twenties when
(21:07):
I saw the musical on Broadway, the one that I
went to see, Fantasia was starring as Seeley. And also,
obviously I watched the movie many many times, many many times,
like so many times. There are certain parts of that
movie that I know almost by heart. And I reread
(21:28):
the book not too long ago, and this time in
reading it, what really struck me is the strong sense
of spirituality in that book. And there are different things
that I feel that book showed me, even about God
and sort of the role of God in that story,
(21:48):
the role of God in my own life. It was
really interesting to read that and sort of read through
this lens of black woman spirituality. Highly recommend a Color
Purple and one other book that I'll recommend to you all.
I obviously have a list of bunches and bunches of these,
but one of my more recent reads is Sisters of
(22:09):
the Yam by Bell Hooks. I actually started to read
Sisters of the Yam during a time that I was
really going through a difficult time in my health and
I had had this major major surgery required a long
recovery time for for me anyway, it was six to
eight weeks. That was a long time for me at
that time in my life to just focus on sitting
(22:31):
still and getting well. And I started reading Sisters of
the Yam then. And I mean, there's a lot to
say about bell Hooks. Anything that you see bell Hooks
name on I think is worthy. Reading Sisters of the
Yam was really a healing text for me. Helped me
to really learn, as I'm continuing to learn about what
(22:54):
radical self care looks like, what it looks like to
love yourself actually really and she really goes into the
different systems that are in place that do not make
it easier, make it simple, even for black women to
love themselves. So big shout out to Bell Hooks. She
is a wonderful author and writer and thinker to read.
(23:18):
But I highly recommend Sisters of the Yam. Now add
one more. My other one, which is sort of like
a gateway book into this writer, is I Know Why
the Cage Bird Sings. And I say that because I
remember when that book was a part of Oprah's book Club,
and Oprah talking about what it meant to her to
read those first few lines. If I Know Why the
(23:39):
Cage Bird Sings, and I remember reading it and having
grown up in church and having that sort of Easter
speech moment. But I say that I Know Why The
Cage Bird Sings is a gateway because once you start
that book, then you're opening yourself up to this whole
world of the work of Dr Maya Angelo. And as
(23:59):
a poet, Dr Angelo obviously highly influenced me and the
work that I'm doing today. Some of her work were
early things that I memorized, memorizing phenomenal woman for an
oratorical contests that my church growing up used to do
every Black History Month, and memorizing still I Rise. So
(24:21):
not only is Dr Angelo's poetry amazing, but her autobiographical
series that begins with I Know Weather Cage Burstings and
goes on for several books. I think that's a wonderful
gateway to start with and just read and read and
read until you've read through all of her books. I
do want to also give a special shout out to
Phenomenal Woman. I watched a new movie recently called Miss Juneteenth.
(24:46):
Mistuneteenth is a pageant in the story of this film,
and the daughter of the central character is memorizing phenomenal
Woman to perform in the movie, and the mother has
also memorized it, and that just totally resonated with me
because that's a huge part of my history to have
memorized Dr My Angelo's work and really her work on
(25:10):
stage teaching me in its own way how to eventually
become comfortable with my own writing voice. So those are
a few books I would recommend, books I would say
have been really quintessential for me in my upbringing. So
I would encourage you dig into these works. And if
any of my listeners having suggestions for me, especially my
(25:33):
black woman listeners, you have suggestions for me of other
black womanhood books that you would love for me to
shout out here. Please let me know reach out to
me on socials. I'd love to hear it. Okay, So
for this week's podcast, we are doing a new segment,
(25:55):
but it will be recurring. I'll come back and do
this every now and then. This segment is called ask Amina.
And if you have questions you want to ask me,
it could be questions you want to know about me,
you want to know about just life, or macaroni and cheese.
We can also talk about that. If you have things
(26:17):
that you might like advice on, I will also take those.
You can use the hashtag ask Amina and I can
answer your questions that way. So I've got a few
questions from social media. So let's dive in which dance
movie gives you life? Okay, I feel like I'm about
(26:38):
to disappoint with this answer because I don't really have
a favorite dance movie. I actually don't. There are very
few like musicals or dance movies that I like. I
know some I just lost a listener probably right now
(26:59):
they're like, no, I'm out of here. I don't need
to listen to her anymore. I will tell you one
of my favorite dance scenes, and I'm like, does this
count as a dance scene? I think it does. And
I don't know if this is actually in the category
of dance movie because so many other things were going on.
But Spike Lee's movie School Days, which was this exploration
(27:25):
of historically black college and university life, has a scene
in this hair salon that is probably one of my
favorite dance scenes. So if you haven't seen School Days,
you need to see it. But if you have seen
School Days, you know immediately what I'm talking about. I'm
(27:46):
so sorry that that's the only answer I have for
you there, But if you have dance movie suggestions for me,
I'd love to hear them. Next question says when will
we have donuts together again? Like you and I and
the Royal Weed. This is from my friend Audrey Audrey.
Thank you, Audrey. You and I need to we need
to figure out how we're gonna have donuts together again.
(28:09):
It's it's first of all, it's really hard for me
and my anxiety to try to figure out how to
meet up with my friends, especially those that have been
doing a good job social distancing. It's hard to find
ways to meet up with them. And eat right, Because
it's like any other activity. If we were to, you know,
(28:30):
go for a walk outside together, if we were to
just sit on each other's porches, like socially distanced, like
that's fine, but it's like when you bring food and
drink into it. I just start getting like I still
haven't figured that out. I've had a couple of, you know,
little gatherings where I've tried this, but it's hard to
figure out because it's like, Okay, I gotta take this
mask down and eat some food, and then at some
(28:53):
point I gotta put the mask back up because I
can't like enjoy a donut or or sit and drink
coffee with you with my mask up. And yeah, like
many of you, I saw the clip where there was
like a mask designed where it had some sort of
apparatus in it where you could keep your mask on
and somehow still eat, and it just grossed me out, y'all,
(29:14):
And I just I can't. So when will we get
to have donuts together again? Audrey? I hope we figure
out a way to do it soon, the Royal we
When will we have donuts together again? I don't know.
I feel like our safest bet is to get our
own collective donuts and have some sort of zoom donut
(29:35):
eating that's like the best best. Otherwise, I don't know,
you have to find some sort of like six ft
long table and you and your friends sit at the
ends of it. I wonder if that's going to happen eventually. Well,
first of all, we hope we're not in the pandemic
long enough for this to happen, But um, I don't
know the way that things are being handled right now.
(29:55):
It makes me feel like we won't be in this
for a while. So I'm like, I don't know if
coffee shops are gonna like get rid of the little
small circle tables where it was like really intimate for
you to like go there on a date or sit
there with your friend and talk. Like, is it going
to turn into like all the tables and coffee shops
are like six ft long, all those long like farmer
(30:15):
looking tables, except now instead of like eight people being
able to sit there, only two people sit there, and
they sit at either end. I just don't know all
that to say, let us talk about donuts, because this
is very important. I'm a big fan of donuts. I
will share with you all that I have a passion
project that I do with my sister in law. We
(30:36):
have a pop up podcast called Here for the Donuts,
And I say pop up because it basically pops up
when she and I actually have time to record it.
So we haven't posted a new one in a while,
but you can go there and listen to the archives
of that and here all of the amazing donut places
we've been to. I want to give a shout out
(30:56):
to my favorite donut place in Atlanta, Revolution Don't. That's
They're my favorite place. They are the place that my
friend Audrey and I love to get donuts as well.
So what is your favorite donut place? I'd love to
hear from y'all tell me more about that, all right.
Next question, somebody's trying to get vulnerable today? How do
(31:19):
you keep going and keep your heart soft? Woo h
that's deep. That's a deep question today. How do you
keep going and keep your heart soft? Um? I think
the name of the game from me, I probably would
never describe it as like keeping my heart soft, but
I think what that phrase sounds like to me is
(31:41):
like how do you remain open? How do you remain vulnerable?
Even in the middle of times, whether collectively or personally,
that would, you know, cause you to have a heart
that's hardened, or cause you to not remain open too
things to people, etcetera. I think a part of that
(32:02):
for me is really the phrase that came in my
mind first is self care. And I know when we
hear that phrase sometimes you know, this is the same
for me to like, like I hear that phrase and
immediately start like rolling my eyes, like I don't want
to hear about any more bath bombs. But as an aside,
actually really love bath bombs. But you know, I think
when we hear self care, we just think like we
(32:25):
think about baths and facials and all sorts of things
like that. But for me, self care encompasses quite a
few things. It right now in this season of my
life includes therapy. I think that's one thing that keeps
my heart open and soft is having a place to
talk to a professional about the things that I am
(32:46):
processing mentally and emotionally, having someone who's objective, who doesn't
have any personal skin in the game in my life
that can hear what's underneath the things that I might
be thinking or the patterns that I have in my life.
That's been really helpful. Having a squad of wonderful women
(33:09):
friends is also something that has kept my heart very
open and soft, because when you have good and deep friendships,
I mean for me that is very much you know,
my women friendships, but whatever those friendships you know look
like for you, just having people that you don't have
(33:31):
to put on for them. You can tell them your insecurities,
you can tell them where you're struggling, you can tell
them your petty thoughts, you know, and really be vulnerable
and be yourself whether yourself feels beautiful that day, whether
yourself feels not so beautiful that day, whatever. And I
(33:53):
think having people like that in my life um has
been really helpful. I would say my husband all so
and my husband and I were friends before we were
ever together romantically. We're actually like chatting about that before
we started recording. And I think having a spouse and
a partner in life that I can really be who
(34:16):
I am with. You know, I live in the same
house with him, but I can also be at home
with him. That's a big help for me. I've been
thinking a lot about what my spiritual practice looks like
in this season of life, and I mean for me,
I am a Christian, I'm a part of the Christian tradition,
and I have been examining a lot of like, well,
(34:39):
what are my spiritual practices, you know, within my faith context,
and what are some new spiritual practices that are maybe
things that I didn't grow up with in my faith context,
but are wonderful spiritual practices for me. So gospel music
is a big one for me. Some of those songs
(35:00):
just still are just in the core of my soul
and help remind me that there is a life and
a world and God that's bigger than I am. That's
something that helps keep my heart soft. I am just
ankle deep in meditation. I'm very new to meditation. I
(35:22):
haven't gotten to the point where I'm doing meditation and assisted.
I've been doing guided meditation, and I've been using their
two apps that I really love. I love the Headspace
app and I love the Shine app as well. And
I especially love the Shine app because I'm getting to
hear the voices of women of color on their guiding
(35:44):
meditation and different sleep stories and things like that. So
meditation has been really helpful for me in keeping my
heart soft because it is something that helps me remain
grounded and centered. It's a place where I can come
back to focusing on my breath and things like that.
(36:04):
So that's been really important for me. So those are
a few things, uh that are really keeping me going
right now, keeping my heart soft, and of course, you know,
finding ways to laugh and finding the things that bring
me joy. I love cooking. I love cooking really for
the mindfulness. I think sometimes cooking itself we're baking, can
be a spiritual practice. I've been watching a lot more
(36:27):
comedies lately just to remind myself to laugh and be silly.
I'll tell you something else than my husband and I
have been doing. I don't know if you'all have been
watching Cobra Kai on Netflix. I love Cobra Kai. It's everything,
and it's probably everything to me in particular because I
also was a Karate Kid fan. I never took karate
(36:48):
as a kid or anything like that, but I loved
Karate Kid the whole series. I loved it. So when
my husband and I went back to watch Cobra Kai,
it's just like this wonderful moment where you're getting to
see like whatever happened end to Daniel sign. Okay, so
one thing that we've been doing is whenever there's a
fight scene in Cobra Kai, we stand up and we
(37:09):
do our own karate kicks and we yell how yah
ha yah ha ya. And I'm gonna tell you, if
you have an argument with your spouse, you have a
fight with your partner, you'll have talked it out and
then you'll get to the point where like there's really
nothing else to say in the argument and it's just
that awkward air where like you either resolved it or
(37:31):
you've resolved as much as you can, you know, in
a conversation, but do you still just have the awkward
air and need to deal with it? Listen, give yourself
three karate kicks and yell haya three times. Totally gets
rid of the awkward air. I'm here giving your relationship tips. Okay, please,
next question, do you ever struggle with putting yourself your
(37:53):
work out for all to see and judge? Okay, I'm
gonna answer these two separately, regarding putting yourself and then
putting your work out there, because I'll say those two
are kind of different for me. So regarding putting my
work out there, do I ever struggle with it. Absolutely.
(38:15):
As I've grown older, matured as a writer, I feel
like my work gets more and more vulnerable because I
am becoming more and more comfortable with really being myself.
So there have been several pieces that I've written, in particular,
more and more in the last several years, that I
(38:37):
have felt really nervous to put out there because they
were so vulnerable. I wrote a poem called Mothers of
Invisible Children that was about my experience with miscarriage. And
I remember the first time I ever performed, well, I
wouldn't say performed that piece. It's such a vulnerable piece.
I always read it. I would be too hard and
(38:59):
too emotional even to memorize for me. But I remember
I was performing at our one of our local open mics.
I was the feature artist for one of the events,
and I don't know why, but that poem was really
like in my mind leading up to the event, and
(39:21):
I just decided to start my set with it and
to hold space for people that had experienced miscarriage, to
hold space for people that had experience just grief and
loss overall. And so there is this struggle, especially for
me as a poet and putting out work that is
(39:42):
very vulnerable, because sometimes as a poet, I'm you know,
I'm writing about TV sitcoms, or I'm writing about all
the things I think are amazing about being a black girl.
You know, those poems I don't as much struggle putting
out there because they're not vulnerable in the same way
as if I'm telling some thing that is a hard
story for me. So a lot of times I will say,
(40:05):
for me as a writer, I've learned that it's okay
for me to write something vulnerable and that it may
not be for the public. I have many poems that
never see the light of day as far as anyone
else seeing them, but it doesn't mean they were any
less important to write. And then there are things that
I have written for my own private processing, and then
(40:29):
those things get to a point where I realize, this
is something that I think may help someone else, or
helps someone else feel seen or known or understood, and
that makes it important to share in public. So I
think I do a lot of processing about the work
that I do share, and I make decisions about what's
private and what's public. And I have to say I
(40:52):
worry less about how the work will be judged once
I've come to peace with why I put it out there.
So I think that's one of the things that I
guess helps me, and that struggle is knowing what is
the purpose that makes me want to put out this work,
and the purpose in a lot of cases for me,
will override whatever criticism or judgment could come from it. Now,
(41:17):
let me go back to this question, considering it not
just about my work, but about myself. Do you ever
struggle with putting yourself out there for all to see
and judge? And I probably struggle with that for myself
even more than my work, because as a writer, you're
constantly drafting and editing. By the time of peace comes
out in the public. I'm not a person that writes
(41:38):
a first draft and then that night puts it out there.
Like if I put something out there in the public,
it's gone through a lot of drafting, which has given
me time to process what I'm saying, to process if
I stand for what I said and all those things.
Whereas when you are just out in the world in
society being yourself, you know you're not always able to
(42:00):
process at all and do all these edits. You know
to yourself, you just are who you are. So yes,
I do struggle with putting myself out there for people
to see and judge, you know, other reasons to be
in therapy, because I do talk to my therapist about
that that there are a lot of ways that my
own inner voice is very judgmental of myself. So sometimes
(42:22):
it's not even just the struggle of how other people
will judge me, it's also the struggle of how I
inwardly judge myself. So a lot of my you know,
inner healing work in therapy and honestly in prayer and
in my relationships to you know, my family and my
friends who have really you know, helped me in the
(42:45):
healing process of learning to love and accept who I
am and be fully who I am. And of course
time and age you know, for me has helped with
that too. I just probably care less at this stage
of life, then maybe I would have tenure as ago
as far as you know, feeling like I need to
make myself something else for other people. I think all
(43:05):
of those spaces are very helpful for me in being
who I am. And I think in a way accepting
that people will judge and they will criticize, I remember
I was in uh not with my current therapist, but
with a therapist I had in the past. We were
having a conversation about how, you know, I kept saying
(43:27):
yes to things and I wouldn't say no to enough things,
and she asked me why, and I said, well, I
just hate to disappoint people. And she was like, I
have something to tell you. She was like, no matter
what you do, people will be disappointed. And I know
that seems so simple, y'all, and so like basic facts,
(43:49):
but I just didn't think of it that way. I
just really thought, like, I can do a bunch of
things so that people won't be disappointed. And when she
said that, it really freed me, and I think it
can also be freeing to realize people are going to judge.
People are going to criticize you. People are not going
(44:12):
to understand who you are, the decisions you need to
make to do what's best for you. They're just going
to be people who don't get that, who think that's
dumb or stupid or whatever. And they are not the center.
They are not why you do what you do or
why you should continue to be who you are, you know,
(44:32):
and they deserve less energy and less space. The people
who do accept you and who do show you love
and support, those people deserve more of your energy and
and really even peeling back the layer of that that
I should accept myself and judge myself less to so
great question. Okay, next question, boy, y'all came in here
(44:56):
with some questions today, Like I'm glad that I have
a therapy of WIMAN today because maybe I should take
these questions into therapy and ask my therapist these questions too. Okay.
Next question says, how did you overcome imposter syndrome? Mm hmm,
And I'm curious almost to know what is the definition
(45:17):
of imposter syndrome. I'm actually gonna look one up real quick. Okay.
General definition, imposter syndrome is a psychological pattern in which
an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has
a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. Yo.
(45:40):
I actually have three overcome questions right here, and I
want to say before I get into any of them
that I feel like imposter syndrome. We're also going to
talk about writer's block and insecurity. All three of these
are things that are going to come up periodically, and
I think it's less of like will you ever get
(46:01):
to a place where you're like, oh, I don't think
about that anymore. I don't deal with that. Maybe you will,
but for most of us that won't be the case.
For most of us. It will mean those thoughts, those
feelings will pop up, but it will be more of
a question of what is your process for how you
deal with those things when they come up? What's your
emotional filing system? If that makes sense, of like where
(46:22):
do you put those things so they go in their
proper place instead of being at the center of how
you have to interact and live in the world. One
of the things that helps me with imposter syndrome is, again,
you know, my community and relationships, the people who are
close to me. I have amazing friends in general, but
I have two friends who I was actually just talking
(46:43):
to a friend about this. I think in one of
these episodes, I want to talk about like the types
of friends that I think every person should have, So
I'm gonna work on that. But we were talking about
how it's important to have friends that you know in
your personal life, but it's also important to have friends
that you know in your professional life as well. And
(47:04):
I have two friends who we talk about our personal
lives too, but we also talk a lot about work
because we work in similar industries, even though we all
do different things. And I have two friends that when
I get a big meeting, for example, and I'm just like,
oh my gosh. You know, sometimes I'll get a big
meeting with someone who's work I've admired a long time,
or who I'm super impressed with, and I will have
(47:27):
to call one of those friends and go, who, girl,
I'm about to have this meeting with you know, insert
of this person's name. Give me the talk, you know.
And I have really good friends in my life, you know.
I have one friend in particular that I can think
about and she'll tell me like, hey, you're a badass too,
just because you're gonna go in and meet with this person.
(47:48):
You know, they might be a badass, but you're a
badass too. And I think having people that can speak
the truth back to you, because imposter syndrome is inevitably
and intrinsically a lie, because it is not speaking to
you about who you are, it's speaking to you about
how you perceive yourself, how other people perceive you. And
sometimes you need somebody who's sort of outside of you
(48:11):
that can remind you, hey, girl like you, let me
tell you who you are, let me tell you these
things that you've accomplished. Let me tell you these things
you've survived and you've made it through. So that's been
a big help for me in walking through impostor syndrome.
I think also the other thing that helps me with
impostor syndrome is just remaining connected to the women that
(48:34):
I come from. And I think about my mom, and
I think about my grandmother, and I think about my
great grandmother, and thinking about the things that they survived,
that they went through, that they invested in so that
I could, you know, be a podcast host and be
a poet, and you know, have you know, a business
(48:54):
with my husband. There are all these things in my
life that I would not be able to do if
those women had not on before me. And I think
when I remain connected to that, it also helps me
to not be so focused on worrying only about myself.
But it helps me to remember that I can walk
in confidence because of the women who came before me
(49:16):
and just sort of widens my view. And I think
that can be really helpful with imposter syndrome when we
widen the view of who we are, of our place
in the world, of the people that worked hard and
sacrifice so we could get to the place where we
are and be who we are. When I think about
my great grandmother not even being able to graduate high school,
(49:39):
but she sacrificed that so that my grandmother could graduate
from high school, and my grandmother's sacrificed so that my
mother could become a nurse and make it to college,
and my single mom sacrifice so that my sister and
I both could go to college, graduate and be artists,
and you know, live our lives according to the things
(49:59):
we passionate about, Like I wouldn't be able to do
this if it weren't for those women, And that sort
of helps me remember my confidence is not just you know,
only like in myself and what I have, what I
can do in this moment, that I am really standing
in the confidence and in the strength of these women
before me. So that's been huge helpful for me. Next
(50:20):
question says, how do you overcome writer's block? Wop wop
wop Yo. Writer's blocked sucks. It sucks. I feel like
the longest period of time I've had writer's blog. I
think it was maybe I think it was a year
and a half. I think so far, that's the longest
(50:42):
I've gone since I've been an adult anyway without writing.
And I want to normalize writer's block. I think sometimes
writer's block comes up for us as writers, and we
are afraid that it means we will never write. And
I think if we normalize that, writer's block is going
(51:02):
to happen. And writer's block happens for various reasons, but
if we normalize it, then we know writer's block is
going to come. And instead of me fearing it and
like clinching myself, you know, and forcing myself to try
to not have writer's block, we can sort of welcome
the process of writer's block in a way and maybe
(51:24):
do some digging to figure out can we sense the
reasons why we might have writer's block, how can we
move past that, or how can we sit in writer's
block until we're no longer blocked? Right? So, um, there's
a couple of things. Sometimes writer's block happens because we're tired.
I can't write when I'm exhausted, and that can mean
(51:47):
physically exhausted. That can mean emotionally exhausted. I also think
there is a such thing as being creatively exhausted as well,
And that doesn't mean you're being exhausted in creative ways,
but it means like you're creative rain. The part of
you that thinks up new ideas is exhausted. You know,
when I finished writing my second book, How to Fix
(52:09):
a Broken Record, that was the longest period I had
of writer's block. After I wrote that book, I didn't
write a year a year and a half. I think
that that year and a half, right there was the stretch.
In A part of that was just having creative fatigue
in a way that I put so much of myself
emotionally into this book and I just kind of had
to re up, you know, and it took me a
(52:31):
long time, and some other like really terrible things happened
in that same time. So because those terrible things happened
in addition to the book, that just shut me down completely.
But it didn't mean anything was wrong with me that
I couldn't write. It just meant I needed some time
away from it. I needed some time to rest and
(52:53):
heal and find my voice right. Sometimes we have writer's
block because we're afraid of what we have to write.
Sometimes we have writer's block because we know what we
need to write and we fear it, and that you
can also walk through. And sometimes for me, when I
have that type of writer's block, like if I'm working
(53:15):
on a book, for example, and books are always scary
to write, I don't care who's writing them. Okay, well,
I will say I don't know about fiction books because
I've never written fiction, but writing nonfiction is always scary
for me and most of my friends who write nonfiction books.
It's always a scary process. You're always afraid. You would
(53:35):
rather run and do anything else for weeks before you
want to sit down and write this book. So sometimes
you're gonna have writer's block because you're afraid, and there
are you know, little techniques that you can use to
help yourself work through that fear. Sometimes for me it'll
just be like, Okay, maybe I can't sit down and
write like a thousand words today, but I can sit
(53:56):
in my chair for thirty minutes, for twenty five minutes
and just right whatever comes out, and then as soon
as my alarm goes off, I'm going to get up
and run away from here. So I think you have
to dig underneath, you know, what are the reasons why
you might be having writer's block. The other thing I
will say is sometimes you have writer's block because you
are letting your editor and your critic in the room
with you when you write, and they are not welcome
(54:20):
in the room when you write. You need your editor
voice at a later point in the writing process, but
at the very beginning, you need to just write. And
if we let our editor voice in the room with us,
then our editor voice can cause us to have writer's block,
because then we're questioning every word we write. We're questioning
did the comma get put in the right place? And
(54:41):
should we use the m dash? And should we use
us at my colin you know? And all those questions
don't belong in the writer's room, uh, in your personal
writer's room. It should be you and your thoughts or
your characters, the voice of the story that you want
to tell. You let your editor in after you've written.
(55:01):
So those are a few things I do to overcome
writer's block. Last question, how do you overcome insecurity? Woo,
y'all were not playing with these questions. Y'all really hit
me with some ask Amana questions this time, how do
you overcome insecurity? I repeat what I said when I
got into these first overcome questions. I don't know if
(55:23):
insecurity is something you ever completely overcome. I don't know
that there's any human being that's like I never feel
insecure over your whole life. You'll have different reasons to
feel insecure, different things that you'll be insecure about. I
think it's less about getting to a point where you
no longer feel insecure at all, and more about how
you process insecurities when they come up, and how you
(55:48):
manage your emotions and your thoughts as you walk through that. So, no,
I have not overcome insecurity, and I probably won't in
my whole life. But I don't know if this sounds
we it or not. But one of the things that
that has been helpful to me in overcoming insecurity is
spending time alone with myself. And I have really had
(56:10):
a hard time doing that sometimes because I love engaging
with people and I love talking with them even when
I'm alone. Sometimes I'm like, you know, I have all
these different apps where I talk to my different friends
across the country, and the times that I feel the
most insecure when I give myself some time away from
the phone, when I take that time to read or
(56:32):
sit just in silence quietly, even sometimes when I'm driving
and I'm just by myself, driving, listening to music, just
spending time with myself, it really helps me to become
more secure in who I am and to accept who
I am, and that I am a beautiful person, that
I'm a beautiful human being, and that I'm also imperfect,
(56:53):
that I'm going to mess up. You know, that I'm
a human with imperfections, that I hurt, that I get angry,
that I make mistakes, and that sometimes I do things
that make me so proud of myself. You know. But
in a way, our security can't be found externally. We're
(57:14):
not going to find our security and our relationships to
other people. Other people can't make us feel more secure
about ourselves. That's our own work that we have to do.
And when we spend time with ourselves, it helps us
to get to know ourselves and it helps us to
love ourselves. And I think that security in accepting who
we are comes from being able to be with who
(57:35):
we are and love us in a similar way that
we know sort of give that attention to other people,
but giving ourselves that same energy. My therapist said something
to me when I was talking to her, uh several
sessions ago, and I was, you know, telling her how,
you know, I really really love to be a good
friend to my friends, to be supportive to them when
(57:55):
they are going through a hard thing, to cheer them
on when they're going through a great thing. And I
told her, you know, due to some things going on
in my life, I felt like I just wasn't able
to be there for my friends as much as I
wanted to be. And she said to me, after evaluating
all the things that were going on in my life,
she said, I think it's good that you want to
(58:17):
be a good friend. But she said, I want you
to remember that you can be a good friend to
yourself too. And so I wrote that on a post
it note, and every now and then I come across
that post it note and I remember it. So we
can begin the journey of becoming more secure in who
we are when we remember to be our own friend too.
So I hope that's helpful to you all. This was great.
(58:39):
You all ask some great questions on this week's edition
of hashtag Ask Amina. So I'll come back periodically and
we'll do this and if you have any questions, you
can feel free to send me d M. I am
mostly active on Instagram a little bit on Twitter as well,
so feel free to comment on any of the podcast
(59:00):
post that you see and let me know what questions
you have. I'd love to address them next time. So
every week here on Her with Amina Brown, I like
to close the episode by choosing a woman of color
and giving her a crown. And what it means when
(59:20):
I give her a crown, I just think of a
woman of color whose work is amazing, whose personal story
really inspires me, and it gives me an opportunity to
celebrate her, because women of color deserves to be celebrated.
And maybe you also know some women of color in
your own life that deserve a crown. So I really
(59:42):
encourage you to give them a crown. Give them their
flowers while they can smell them and appreciate them, right,
give them all of the good words and encouragement as
you can, because we can't get enough of that. Right.
So for this week's give her a crown, I want
to give a crown to Milk, and milk is spelled
(01:00:04):
M I L c. K. Milk is a fabulous singer songwriter.
She wrote the song I Can't Keep Quiet and as
the founder of the I Can't Keep Quiet movement. I
got to hear Milk on this side of stage at
the Together Live tour last fall fall of nineteen in
(01:00:25):
the before times when we were still going to live events,
and I was a part of the tour as well.
I was performing poetry there. But Milk opened up one
of the nights of the tour with her music and
just hearing her they're playing at the piano, hearing her
amazing voice singing I was one of the most beautiful
(01:00:46):
things I witnessed on the tour. So I've been following
her ever since, and even in these times now that
we are in a pandemic as well as in an uprising,
and watching the ways that Milk is using her voice
and her music to uplift us, to speak the truth
to us, to remind us to care for ourselves and
(01:01:07):
care for each other. I just think that's beautiful. Her
newest single, Somebody's Beloved or It Could Be Beloved, is
out now wherever you like to stream your music, so
make sure you follow Milk. You can get all this
information in the show notes. On Amina Brown dot com
slash her with Amina, you can get a link to
(01:01:30):
Milk's website there, as well as information about how you
can follow her, stream her music, download her music, support
her music. She's amazing. Yes, Yes, Milk give her a crown.
(01:02:00):
Part with Amina Brown is produced by Matt Owen for
Sole Graffiti Productions as a part of the Seneca Women
Podcast Network in partnership with I Heart Radio. Thanks for
listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.
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