Legends of The Wild West: Paul Bunyan Part 1

This week we are taking on a Wild West legend so big we had to split it across 2 weeks. Join us to hear a list of fun facts about the big man and his pet ox, then we jump straight in to Bunyans role in building the Atom bomb

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
What's up, everybody, and welcometo another edition of High Mythology on the
show where we get high enough tograb a piece of the sun and tell
you guys silly stories from mythology andfolklore. Yeah, tonight we are going
back to the wild West doing somemore legends of the wild West. We've

(00:22):
got the big Man himself with hisbig blue ox, Paul Bunyan's Bunyans,
Paul Funnyan not at all related tothe Funyan, not at all related to
the Funyan's family or the Big northe sore on your big toe had myself

(00:44):
Paul Bunyan down there at least,this is right. Yeah, okay,
okay, okay, yeah, Well, without further adoke, Kimbo, why
don't you get into it? Thankyou, thank you. We're gonna do
a couple stories, a couple ofPaul Bunyan stories here, but we'll start
with Paul Bunnyan and his little blueoocks a little blue oxs. Paul Bunnyan

(01:07):
is an oddity amongst the legendary Frontiercharacters because, like dadwood Dick, he
never existed, no no matter howoutright fabulous and fairy tale. Like some
of the stories told about Davy Crockett, Mike Fink or Doc Holliday. They
were all sometime alive and walk theearth, while the King of the Lumberjacks

(01:30):
was entirely the product or writer's imagination. Yeah, he's like Pico's Bill.
That's another. Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna pretty much got into all
those people she just listed, becauseyou know David the fairy Tale Room.
Yeah, so well, Davy Crockettwas one of my favorite dude, just
just because how absurd, well howabsurd the stories got with him, and

(01:53):
then how absurd he was as areal guy. He punched a dude in
the face, which wouldn't be abig thing for like, you know,
frontier days, but he was acongressman and he punched another congressman in the
face and told them, what wasit like, You may all go to
Hell, but ah, we'll goto Texas. Oh my, And then

(02:15):
he went to Hell and Texas.That's quite the traveling man. He was
also different from other once living Westernheroes and being something of a newcomer.
First mentioned in the Detroit publication ofnineteen ten Tales of a Giant Axemen of

(02:38):
the Bunyan type, seemed to haveoriginated in Canada, and there are even
more claims that the antidotes about theherroclin canuck that there is no proof of
this or so sorry. The canoelocker name one John. He had inspired

(02:58):
the first Paul Bunyan story, butthere is no proof of this. Yeah.
Paul Bunyan also constantly changes in size. Yeah, yeah, you never
know what size he's gonna be.Sometimes it's like, you know, he
was a big dude. You know, it's like seven feet dollars. Sometimes
they're like he drug his nuts acrossthe ground and it made the Grand Canyon.

(03:21):
Yeah, yeah, there are Thereare quite as silly things about him,
though. Bunyan's home grounds were thelogger camps at the Northern Canada.
He jumped the Mississippi, drives hisoxen across the Bering Street and gives birth
to the Puget Sound by uprooting agiant redwood tree. Paul Bunyan is a

(03:43):
true Westerner. He just drank toomuch fun. You don't want to go
in there. That's mostly Bunyan.Yeah, Paul Bunyan was big like hell,
fought like hell, and lied likehell. He was as tall as
the redwood tree, and he wasso strong that he could pick up an
ox between his thumb and finger.Wow. He made himself an axe handle

(04:03):
out of a whole pine tree trunk, and he chopped a ten foot branch
off an oak tree and used itfor a toothpick. He once uprooted the
biggest tree that I was ever thatwas ever with his bare hands, and
the hole where the roots had beenfilled up again with water, and that
became the Pug's hound. Paul wasa great jumper. He could jump over

(04:27):
the Mississippi River and back again withoutever touching the ground, surprisingly agile for
a man his size. Paul lovedto dance, and he danced so hard
he caused a number of major earthquakes. He once slipped and fell into Lake
Superior, which made it spill over, and this created the Great Flood that
covered the states of Wisconsin and Minnesotaas well as the province of Ontario.

(04:48):
Yeah yeah, getting into some gettinginto some ancient apocalypse territory there. What
caused the flood with it? Aglacient breaking with it, maybe an astral
Maybe Paul buddy and just slipped andfell his big old ass into Lake Superior.
One day, absent mindedly, Paulnipo one of his loggers in his

(05:09):
pocket and then forgot about him.The poor soul nearly starved to death before
Paul rummaged around in his pocket fora chaw of bacars. It's been four
days and fifteen hours. I havenothing to feed off of the pocket lint.
Paul cut his hair and beard onlyonce every three years, and after
he had his bear barbering, therewas usually a mountain of hair left as

(05:33):
big as a haystack. Paul alwayscombed it out and on the average he
got about fifty pounds of salt pork, one hundred pounds of beans, and
ten gallons of molasses out of it. Chicken, so much molasses into your
beard. Paul had an appetite tomatch his size. Once leading a tote

(05:53):
team to his campsite, he cameto a large lake and it was growing
dark. The sky was covering withclouds, and there was no moon.
They decided not to go out goon, but to camp there for the
night by the lake. Paul andhis lumberjacks had worked up an elephant size
hunger. Luckily, they were alsocarrying a year supply of food with them,

(06:15):
and Paul dumped all those beans andsalt pork into the lake. He
builds fires all around the lake untilthe water was boiling and turned the whole
huge pool into bean soup. Therewas fish catfish in there being soup with
catfish. Paul and his loggers drankup the lake and it took years until

(06:36):
it was full again. The camp'scook cooking oven covered an acre of ground,
and the fryingpan was just as big. When pancakes were called for,
the cook with the whole forest firebeneath the pan, and then had some
of the boys tie the sides ofa hog to the bottom of their snowshoes,

(06:57):
having to skate them all over thepan to gree steps. Skate on
old pig if you know it's Canadianbecause they brought up flapjacks. Yeah.
Everything to do with Paul Bunny andwas larger than life. He had a
daughter called Peg, who could chopdown the biggest tree with one cut and
break it into pieces over her kneesfor kindling. His horse was so big

(07:21):
that an ordinary fellow needed a sixstory fireman ladder to mount it, provided
Paul let them. He put thelittle, tiny man up on my horse.
Even the bugs, and Paul Bunnyan'scamps were considerably bigger than other bugs.
Once one of the loggers was workinghigh up in the tree when a

(07:44):
bunch of mosquitoes got right under andseated under the seat of his pants and
lifted him clear off the branch hewas sitting on and flew away with him
over the treetops. Might have gonebadly with that fellow if a cloud of
mosquitoes had not come down on thefat steer that gave him the chance to
get off without falling to his death. He hit one of those cursed inks

(08:07):
insects. It really is. Yeah, you know, you think he's a
nice guy, but he really gottadestroys ecosystem and brings monstrous creatures wherever he
goes. Yea, and he somehowhad a daughter I don't even know name,
Pega Pagan Pow. He lit oneof those cursed insects with a solid

(08:33):
whack with his axe, and thedarn critter bit a good chunk out of
the blade. When a bunch ofmosquitoes finally got off the steer, there
was nothing left of the poor beastbut a heap of bones mosquitoes then settled
down on some tree tombs, takingtheir teeth with the meat skewers. Paul
had heard that in Africa they hadman sized bumblebees whose favorite food was mosquitoes.

(08:58):
So paula once ordered a boatloaded thesebumblers. And then it turned out
that the bees and the mosquitoes tooka shine to each other, producing an
offspring of mosquito bees with stingers atboth ends. He's not good at breeding,
goddamn bequo. He's fucking after uh. Paul promptly sent for a passle

(09:22):
of special sixteen legged, thirty twoodd spiders whose favorite food consisted of bumble
bee mosquitoes, but these preenicky critterspreferred to gobble whole oxen. Paul sold
the stingers of those rambuctions insects tothe armies as bayonets. One day,
Paul Bunyan was lying down in thesun to get a little rest, and

(09:43):
the lumberjack passing through saw a largebullfog jumping and dancing on Paul's bare chest.
The fellow inquired, what's that bullfrog the dams and jumping up,
and Paul answered, well, Iain't no bull roll it's one of them
goddamned curtsin Christ. Please. Paulhad a pet catfish that followed him wherever

(10:09):
he went. But that fish cameto a sad end. It accidentally fell
into the Big Onion River and drowned. Actually was not downgrading him. More
catfish, no mind of its poorthing drowned. Paul had an ox.

(10:35):
Paul had gone. These are morelike just factories. Everybody knows. This
a rather large beast that grew twofeet every time Paul looked at it.
It was called Babe, though someremember it as Benny. But these folks
are wrong. It was definitely Benny. But you know, fuck them,
these are non Benny believers, exactly. Fuck those Benny ass bitches a household.

(11:01):
One morning, when Babe was stillonly a calf, the loggers saw
a big barn wandering into camp.It was the calf, having outgrown the
barn, and walking away with it, carrying it on its back. Babe
was known as Paul's little blue Oxof the woods. He measured twelve ax
handles between his eyes and weighed morethan all the fish that ever got away.

(11:28):
Babe save Paul A lot of times, and labor I do like a
perhaps man. I like how theyused a fictional thing for the measurement of
the fictional thing. It's all thefish that you said you almost caught but
they got away, you know,the ones he made up. He's like
as big as all of those madeup fish. Paul used to hitch him

(11:52):
to one hundred acre plots of forest, one plot at a time. As
he dragged these chunks of timberland along, Babe was driven outright to the river
bank. There, Paul cut offthe timber just as if he were steering
sheep, and then floated the logsdown the Little Gimlet River. In the
winter, Paul hitched Babe to ahuge sled instead of a wagon. Besides

(12:15):
his regular loads of logs, Babealso had to haul the water tank the
Bunny and used to ice over theroad for sled runners. One time the
tank bursts and that's what started themighty Mississippi River that keeps it flowing.
I like that. I like theopposite. We all of the effort we

(12:37):
put into de icing things, andPaul Bunny was just like, now,
fuck it, ice the shit.Yeah, I hope you don't got wheels,
bitch. Whenever the little blue boxhad to be showed. It took
a whole iron mine to make theshoe. One year, there was a
big log jam, and the biggestanybody could remember, and the logs were
piled up three hundred feet high,and we're backing up the river for thirty

(12:58):
miles. Paul led Old Babe rightinto the river at the point where the
logs backed up the furthest and thelittle blue ox stood in the water up
to his belly that was about fiftyfeet high, you know. Paul put
him in there and with his handhind end against the log jam, and
then he took his big buffalo gunand shot Babe a dozen times in the

(13:22):
ass. Babe thought the bullets wereflies, and his tail was just about
thirty feet long, and Babe switchedit back and forth to drive the pesky
flies a whale away. But thetails twitching caused such a windstorm that it
broke up the log jam. Nah, there we go. Tailwind was not
at all locks farts. Paul bunnyand tried to find a cow big enough

(13:46):
to keep Old Babe company. Nextfact, yeah, he tried to get
his He tried to get the oxlaid, but it took him a long
time, but I finally found one. Her name was Betsy. Some like
to say it was bossy. Yeah, but we don't fuck with them.
M those bossy Benny bitches pitches.It's a babe in Betsy house. The

(14:13):
cow was so big that when thewintertime came around, her head was in
summertime, and her so big whenthe winter came, the head was still
in the summer. That's not howseasons work man could be. You don't

(14:35):
know that when Betsy got um maudmad and powed the ground, she brought
up an acre of dirt. Everytime Paul took good care of Betsy,
feeding her corn rye and sour mash. Paul did the milking himself because no
one else was big enough and strongenough to do it. Just catastrophic about

(14:56):
some milk with every squirre. Betsygave about one hundred gallons of milk every
day your knives. But there wasa problem. The milk was too strong
to use at the table, andit was turned into pure one hundred proof
rye whiskey. You won't want todrank my milk whiskey. In winter,

(15:22):
the camp was so cold that morethan one hundred degrees below freezing that it
turned the flames of the loggers firesinto icicles. They couldn't do anything with
them, so they bundled them upand piled them. Somewhere near the camp
came spring, and the icicles turnedinto flames again, threatening to set the
whole camp on fire. Paul andhis lumberjacks managed to chunk them into the

(15:43):
river and set the waters boiling.In the evening, the loggers feasted on
a great mess of well cooked crawfish. And there you go, Paul,
But you and just destroyed another ecosystem. Next fact, Paul bunny And
had a cook that was so uglythat when he peeped into the pot of

(16:04):
the bean soup to see how Iwas doing the sight of him, the
soup began to sizzle, turtle andferment, and after it was strained,
it was frowned to have turned intosome strong ass moonshine, the kind that
when a drop gets onto your bootit at once burns a hole through the
leather. Paul took the man offhis cooking job and put him in charge

(16:25):
of the camp's distillery. I likehow I like how the last couple sentences
have almost started like ninety jokes,your cooks so ugly, he turns his
fucking beans to whiskey. What well, your cow is so fack. Next

(16:48):
fact, Babe lived entirely on flapjacks. That's not twelve cooks were busy night
and day making flapjacks for him.One day, the cooks were all sick
with the flu an old Babe gotso hungry waiting for them to recover that

(17:08):
he gulped down the red hot stoveand that was the end of him.
Just thinking, she just killed Babeoff. That's how Babe dies. Do
you get to kill Babe off thisearly in the story? End of story
one? Sorry, fun facts,It is mainly just fun facts. But
these assholes, man, they justkilled Babe off like that on a cliffhanchor.

(17:32):
That's what happened to Babe. Imean, I still have him in
the next story next week and thestory after says, babes all over the
plates. That's it's odd they justchose to throw that one out. He
ate flapjacks, except for the timewhen he didn't end he uh, he
choked in his throat, choked inhis throat. So Paul Bunyan helps build

(18:00):
a railroad. I'm excited for thisone just because I know where it leads
and it's not something. It's notsomewhere where I ever expected Paul Bunyan to
venture. Oh yeah, Part two, Part two. Paul bunny In was
weaned on corn whiskey. That's theBigs fact for you. He's been an

(18:26):
alcoholic since he was a baby.He grews three free every morning. He
was so tall that you could seehis head only on clear days. When
he laughed, it caused an earthquake, so people asked him to never listen
to a joke, and thereafter hetook to grinning silently. Paul bunny In
could cross the whole Indian territory andthree steps. Everything about him was big.

(18:47):
Even the crumble crumbs falling from histable were so large that the Miso
gobbled them, grew as big astimberwolves and chased all the grizzlies plumb out
of the country, plumb out ofthe country. I like that too,
Bob. But every part of baubBunyan was big, well, almost every
part. Parson madness, it's humanlike, it's a gift. Well,

(19:15):
it would be big if you werea normal human, but he's not so
disproportionately, it looks incredibly small.It's okay, Paul, you can tell
me. You can tell me,Paul. I won't judge. Almost it's
still big, because you know I'ma normal human. But if I were

(19:36):
your size, I would be complainingto say, hmm, it's more like
a wart. Oh that's terrible anyway. Um. Paul's axe was so heavy
it took seven of the brownniest loggersto lift it, and it took about
twelve men all day to sharpen theblade. His great blue oox babe ate

(20:00):
up about ten acres of prime cornevery morning for breakfast, counterdicting the flapjacks.
No flapjacks. In this story.Paul could log off a whole country
every days, just the force ofnature. Oh excuse me, county okay,

(20:21):
sorry, and diet country barren withmissing an RN there. Sorry.
When General Dodge ran into problems buildingthe Union Pacific Railroad, he called upon
Paul for help. That was afterPaul dug out a Puget Sound to sluice
the water of the Pacific Ocean intoa huge ditch that he had scooped out

(20:45):
in a day to float his logs. He later named the ditch the Columbia
River. As far as the railroadwas concerned, Paul got there together ten
thousand live and frisky beavers to builda fence along the track. The obligated
critters not off the trees and longthe right of way, chewing them into

(21:06):
six foot log long fence poles.And then he got himself fifty thousand prairie
dogs to dig out the post holesfor them. It's just it's also annimal
whisperer. Yeah, what about hisfarts? Isn't there something about it?
It was comparable to fifteen fucking cowfarmers. It's farts put off so much

(21:30):
methane. They they're kind of thereason why we deal with global warming.
Every time he farts, a pieceof just floats away. Then he got
himself fifty yeah, yeah, okay, we got fifty thousands. This okay.
So for the railroad ties, hetook only the tallest trees with trunks

(21:51):
so thick that it took a wholecrew of shainty boys three days merely the
chop through the bark, aided byhis best slumber jacks, Sour Dough,
Sam, Caleb Caanic and spend theswede. Oh yeah, he saw them
down to the right size. I'mactually from Norway, but nobody asks.

(22:12):
Following the big trees raised such acolossal clouds of snow that the daylight could
penetrate them only on Sundays. WhenPaul and his men stopped working, Babe
the blue walks dragged the iron railsinto place, three miles of them at
a time. As for the railroadengines, Paul fetched them out of the
shop and with the locomotive under eacharmed, hauled them from Chicago to Omaha

(22:36):
with seven mighty steps. Why wouldyou even what a train? Just have
Paul Hall stuff. Once, whenPaul and his shainty boys got thirty doing
all this work, they swallowed upLake her On in three gulps. When
General Dodge could not find a placeto get through the rockies, which barred

(22:56):
his way like a solid wall,Paul just kicked the fucking biggest peaks to
the side with his iron slotted boots, and thus made for the pass of
the Union Pacific. When Dodge ranout of wood in the Great America Desert,
Paul just roped him ten square milesof forest somewhere in Canada and had
babe dragged all the way to Utah, stole it from Canada. Ah,

(23:22):
you had a forest down here.Hold on, let me rob some from
Canada. He and his loggers finishedtheir job in record time and ahead of
schedule and got a good, bigbonus, good big bonus. Paul Bunyan
celebrated the event by putting together abarrel as high as Pike's Peak and the
wide as Texas, and he filledit to the brim with all the whiskey

(23:44):
in the United States, paying forit with the bonus money. Then he
and his shanty boys win every time. I keep defaulting back to the Janet
Jack. So shy boys. Myfirst name ain't Baby, It's Paul,

(24:07):
mister Bunny. And if you're nasty. Then he and the shanty boys went
on a big drunk through it,though it took them in an uncommonly long
time three days in fact, tolap up all that liquor. Incredibly long
time, not really only three days. It was quite a bender though as

(24:34):
a result, for the three monthsall America was on the wagon ingratitude.
Carrie Nation proposed to Paul Bunnyan,but he wouldn't have her. He wouldn't
do it. Now we're gonna talkabout one. Just a random story from
World Warship and now hard Left turnas Paul Bunny and fucks up some Nazi.

(25:00):
Almost a hundred years later, thegovernment remembered how Paul Bunyan had helped
to build the Transcontinental Railroad. Nowthe United States was at war with Nazi
Germany, Fascist Italy, and theJapanese Empire. A very smart man by
the name of Einstein proposed that wemake an Adam bomb just in case.
Hitler's scientists had the same idea.Nobody knew whether it could be done,

(25:23):
and if so, how long itmight take. Then somebody remembered Paul Bunyan.
At the time, Paul was aboutone hundred and fifty years old.
How do you forget that, there'sgot to be like a Paul Bunyan Jurassic
Park, just walking around right carefulif you don't move, Paul Bunyan can't

(25:44):
see you. Just reaching middle agebecause longevity was his middle name. Paul
Jeffrey Bunyan and as peppy as ever. The government started looking for Paul.
They had quite a hassle find Likeyeah, yeah, Paul stopped logging he
lost most of his hair, gotrid of Babe. He built himself a

(26:08):
giant Porsche. He gave Babe.He can't drive it anywhere, no roads
big enough, but he hasn't andhe won't stop talking about its Porsche.
But they finally did. When someonediscovered twelve foot long human bootprints in the
snow of the Canadian north Woods,they figured correctly they hadn't to belong to

(26:30):
Paul. They followed the tracks toa log round log cabin, the biggest
ever seen and covering about a squaremile, and sure enough, inside they
found Paul soaking up his twists ofchewing tobacco and potent corn whiskey. To
give them a kick, the governmentsaid to Paul, he's a total alcohol

(26:52):
and he's just sad at home.He was he was day drunk watching Maury
Povich on daytime television. It's quitea sad side spring. I think he
had beat himself a little bit,because next was the fucking hell, yeah,

(27:12):
missed a bunyon. Can we talkto you about a metical? Some
puts mister Bunyon. I missed aBunyon du twice. But that's what the
government does. Sure, I've donemy shave, and gotta get my taint
all sparklet for the summertime, getmy bikini cut. He took his axe

(27:33):
and hammered out his stubbles through hischeeks and into the inside of his mouth,
where he bit them off. That'show he shaved himself. He proceeded
to comb his curly beard with apine tree, and then he put on
his mackinaw and said, what canI do for you, stranger? They

(28:00):
explained, well, as you know, there's a war on. Paul interrupts
with the fucking war by thunder.Let me get my lips him again against
the kurt red coats. Goddamn Britishcoming over here, taking fucking the government.
Boys, say take my cheese andtaking my cheese, taking my coffee

(28:22):
and pissing on my tea. No, mister Bunyan, with the British,
Not not no, no, notwith the British, mister Bunyon, but
with bomb pol interps with him dangrams then Barnard, do let me get
my hands on him. No,no, no, mister Bunyan. You've

(28:47):
you've been in this hut a longtime. We're a wall with the Germans
and the chaps. Very dangerous chaps. They have I a secainst the ropes.
They might be building an atom bomband will beat us to it.
If they do the nuts, theend for us, and they'd rule the
world. Paul says, you don'tsay, what's this atom Bombay? It

(29:15):
has the power of the sudden,mister Bunyon. It can make a hole
ten miles wide and ten miles deepin a second. It is the most
powerful thing in the world. Withit, we can win this war.
Paul told them ten miles deep.You say, uh, is anybody going

(29:37):
to be watching the holes afterwards?Here? I mean I our carculator can
make I can make one for you. Loggins kind of slow this time a
year on account of me having tornup the whole forest and closed massive amounts
of global warming with my farms.He jumped a wee bit into the air,

(29:59):
but only about one hundred feet,clicking his heels seven times before coming
back down, saying there's no placelike home. He did this three times,
and then he explained it's just forwarming up, getting the blood flow.
And I've been sitting down for awhile and I'm a mite drunk from
all the you know, sad alcoholicday drinking. Then he gathered himself into

(30:22):
a ball and then uncoiled for hisreal big jump, taking off like a
cannon shot, leaping right out ofthe atmosphere and disappearing into space. The
government men stood open mouth, andthey didn't know what to do. And
after a while they heard a greatroaring and a thundering as far as from
a thousand express trains or jet planes. It was Paul Bunyan coming back.

(30:47):
He carries something glittering in his hands, a lump about the size of Mount
Shasta. It was glowing red hot, and a minute of lights so bright
that the government men would have goneblind had they not worn their dark they're
dark lashes, of course, menin black type of shit. Right there,
Paul landed with such a force thathe sank into the earth up to
his armpits. He flung the white, hot, shining thing about a mile

(31:11):
away from him, and the strangeobject hit the ground with such a force
greater than a volcanic eruption, causingan earthquake measuring eight on the Richter scale,
forging out of the earth a wholetwenty miles wide. Paul bunny and
says, while digging himself out,blowing on his squorched and blistering fingers.
Now, nobody fucked that hole tillI can get over there, and I

(31:33):
mean earth, she is hot.She were so hot she burned plump rooma
gloves. The trembling government inquired,what the fuck is that? Paul says,
A dump pretty high, reckon highenough to break off this here piece

(31:57):
out of the sun. Seems tobe what you fellas want better cooler off?
So oh. Paul went over tothe river and swallowed up about ten
miles of it, holding most ofthe water and his puffed out cheeks.
He went to the crater that hadthe chunk of the sun and end squirted
the water all over it. Pearlnecklace, He's the greatest pearl. Y'all

(32:22):
turn your back. I'm going totake a minute with this here hole of
the ground enough to turn the craterinto a huge lake. The heat of
the piece of sun was so greatthat it made the lake boil. Paul
said, here she something did youdid you ever see a thing like that?

(32:43):
I reckon all name this pond herelake wanna pegmy and three big jumps.
Paul moosied over to the storage shacknext to his cabin, and from
it fetched a sack of coffee weighingten tons. He jumped it into the
hissing, bubbling lake and then puttwo of his fingers in his mouth and
whistled so loud that it shook theleaves from the branches of all the trees

(33:07):
within three miles. That brought allof his shanty boys are running. They
were rolling before him what looked likebig rubber wheels but turned out to be
oversized donuts. Each of them broughtalong a large metal bucket that he filled
by dripping into the lake, andthen he turned it into a strong coffee.
Then Paul and his lumberjack sat downfor breakfast, filling up on hot

(33:29):
java and donuts. Fucking random shantyboys all my donuts, every one of
them carrying like a tire sized snaDude, dude, that's a lot.
The boss logger asked, what whatnow? The government men say, mister

(33:59):
Bunyan, what you brought us isan enormous lump of split atoms. That's
not how they work. But okay, we have to get it down to
the white Sands for our in ourtesting range in the Southwest. We have
to analyze it. And also youand you've been probably have cancer. That's
extremely radioactive material, and you're justsipping the wastewater shanty boys, Paul says,

(34:30):
reckon May and Babe getter down there, and he hitched the chunk of
sun to the blue ox with aten mile long steel chain, and as
it melted from the chunks of heat, the chain had to be replaced about
two or three times. On theway. Paul put a saddle on Babe's
back, vaulted onto and cracked hiswhip, and off they went, quick

(34:52):
as lightning. The government meant tooka plane, but old Babe was so
fast that he and Paul arrived atthe White Sands long before them. The
so the sun was still so hotthat it turned the desert into sand into
molten glass. A nearby mountain wasalso changed into glass, and it was
made transparent. You couldn't see itbecause you could see right through it.
Oh, the pilot of the governmentplane was about to crash into this invisible

(35:16):
but Paul snatched it out of theair and put it safely on the ground.
When the government men descended from theirplane, they naturally stucked onto the
surface of sheer glass and slid andslithered around as if they had been on
ice skates and fell on their behinds. Paul asked, what now? The
government says, Now, we willstudy that thing. All the greatest scientists

(35:42):
put their lead suits in their darkestglasses to examine the sun chunk. They
told Paul, I have become death. The boss Bugger says, where do
we do with it? Uh?The government says, well, mister Bunyan

(36:07):
will give you this exploder and thenyou'll fasten it to your sun rock like
so, and then you and yourblue ox will amble over to Japan.
Paulas, then what say? Then? You push this button here and turn
this dial on that timer, plungethe plunger, and you and the rocks

(36:27):
run like hell. Even know itwon't matter. We're basically clearing up two
problems, killing the giant that destroysour land as well as the Japanese.
Paulas, what next? The governmentsays, the barmb explodes. I thought
I'd explained that, Paulas, Thenwhat says Jesus christ Man? Is there

(36:49):
any brain in the giant skull?Then there's a bliming flash and all of
Japan goes up in flames and turnsinto ashes, and then we all feel
a shame. And the Robert Oppenheimerguy who made that little quote, he
probably kills himself later on in life. And and everything crumbles and pieces and
disappears into the sea, and we'llget over it eventually. They won't,
though, paulas with all the people. The government says, with every motherfucking

(37:15):
living thing scorched earth, Paul Bunyon, that's America's way. Paul Bunyon got
to thinking. But when Paul thinks, he runs and round in circles,
and so he started. So hewon the war for them, because he
destroyed America doing his laps. Heran around in circles for seven long hours.

(37:35):
He ran so fast that was suchtremendous force that he gorged out a
hip deep circular ditch. Hip deep. For Paul means about fifty peters so
so tall his top boxes from aquarter high. I thought, why it
changes? I think every time theybring up a number, he changes in
size. He was twenty seven feettall. Yes, he was two hundred

(37:59):
and seventy two feet tall, sevenfeet tall. He was seven feet tall
when he was done thinking he toldthe government men, sorry, folks,
uh, but I ain't going todo it. They asked, well,
why not, Paul says, Ibrung this thing down here to do some
good, to heat up the homesof folks too poor to pay for coal,

(38:23):
not not to kill you know,I'm trying to solve global warming and
thinking scientifically and whatnot and be aheadof my time, maybe hybrid cars or
something. The government says, butBunyon, those oh damn they snuck in
the first time on me. Thatone's capitalized. That hit me harder.
Those Japanese people are our enemies.And the crowds too, I'll say that

(38:49):
one fucking dirty crowds. The turncomes later, Paul says, sorry again,
but you got the wrong man forthis job. You fellers are about
three hundred years short of being spartenough to handle this thing. I'll better
bring her back to where she belongsand then travel space for the next three

(39:12):
hundred years. So that way youget the two great stories, Paul Bunyan
in space and Paul Bunyan in thefuture, to infinity and beyond and back
to the Paul Bunyon. And withthat, old Paul clicked his heels and
jumped into space once again, wherehe glued the sun rock back to where
he had taken it from. Thenhe jumped back to Earth, figuring his

(39:35):
path so exactly that where he landedright at his doorstep, where Babe and
the shanty boys were waiting. Boysthe government men looked very gloom and one
of them said, I guess we'llhave to make an Adam bombas I guess
that would have been the time toI Am become death destroyer of wolves.
And they did end. They end, Yeah, you're welcome. I really

(40:02):
want to see Paul Bunyan in spaceand Paul Bunyan in in the future,
and I would like to think thatthat would be the silliest thing that could
possibly happen in the actual future sciologies, like one hundred and fifty years from
now, a giant Canadian redneck descendsfrom the sky and he's just like,

(40:22):
oh, I'll back to check ony'all. Y'a all ready for this Adam
ball, right, Oh power finallyhumans, Oh, there's some things we
need to tell you, not atall. I also like the thought that
he is out there living in thewoods and some type of government like everyone
thinks they keep Bigfoot secret, likethe government's covering up Bigfoot. No they're

(40:45):
not. They're they're actually having peoplewalk around in monkey suits to distract you
from the two hundred football Canadian thatlives in the woods and regularly destroys ecosystems.
Maybe a friendly green giant with thespar his hair. Yeah, that's
a son. That's a son.Yeah, daughter, He had a daughter

(41:06):
named Peg. Yeah, Yeah,he had a daughter named Peg. He
also liked to be pegged, Sothe shanty boys would scoop up the biggest
red foot they could find. Whodo you think would win in a three
way fire between the jolly green Giant, Paul Bunyan and Finn McCool. Finn
McCool. I think Finn mccool's gotit because he fights a little dirtier Irish

(41:30):
Irish, dirty Americans fight dirty.Yeah, and Paul Bunyan could grab.
Paul's got the ox though, that'swhere you can bring the oxen. He's
just man versus man. Actually,Paul people animals. Paul probably wins because
he's got the axe. My Finmccool's goal, like hundreds of thousands of
fucking hound dogs. He does.Yeah, easily take that. But Paul

(41:52):
Bunyan also has a big fucking axe. You know, I'm sure if sword
didn't he Yeah, that's a goodquestion. Who would win? Who would
win? Definitely? I guess forblood. I'm a vegan like aunt condone

(42:20):
this meat eating lifestyle you guys live. I was raised on whiskey. I
was raised blood. My mother wasan interesting character. Her left half's name
was Jenny, in her right halfname was the other half of Jenny.

(42:43):
Interesting. Just punched my way outof it, walked well. Yeah,
yeah, that's what happens because theygot micro anty boys a symbol zeparagus.
You know, he's he hung likea cucumber and ve Andy's vegan. Yeah,

(43:09):
so he's frail. I'm like acucumber. But I cannot get an
erection because there's not an approche.If I get an erection, I just
pass out all the blood it leavesthat. Ah, well, sticks around
for next week's art. Next weekwe're coming back with part two of the

(43:30):
Paul Bunyan Talk some more about PaulBunyan's a bunch of crazy uh facts.
Yeah, we've got some facts We'vegot I know. Next week we've got
that story that takes a weird leftturn where it's like goes from being fun
to all of a sudden like PaulBunyan and the shanty Boys are the cast

(43:52):
of the Predator. That's the nextone. Stick around for that one.
Bunyan looks to the shanty Boys andsays, if it bleeds, we can
kill it. Yeah I can.Yeah. I have a good night.
Everyone. Forget to share, like, share, subscribe, uh yeah,
follow us. Follow us on Twitter. Find us on Twitter at how the

(44:15):
Boys h A O L E.Underscore Boys kill that fucking spider. Spider
now it's gonna come back later.You bite my ass um. You find
our merch tspring dot com slash highAshmunology dash merch Um. Be sure to

(44:38):
follow our Twitter. We're gonna startdoing some pools on Twitter. We're also
we're on YouTube. No, youknow, I never really talked about our
YouTube, but fine time mythology onYouTube. We don't really have videos going
right now. We have some oldvideos. Um yeah, we also have.
We have some pictures we do.We re cheap it out and we

(45:00):
put a picture, but hey makesit more entertaining. You can still look
at it. Um pictures we're gonnado some poles too, so keeping on
there and get ready for poles.We're working on something special for you folks,
for the big Deuce Deuce Big twohundred. We got a coming up.
I'm not a mathematician, so I'mnot going to tell you where it's

(45:22):
at right now, but I'm workingon it. We're on our way.
We're coming up on two hundred andwe're gonna do something fun. Try to
get some try to get some guestson um some uh, some interesting stuff
we're gonna do. Yeah, butyeah, we will see you guys next
week to talk about some more bigblue box. Ooh Bunyan King of the

(45:47):
Micropeene, Now what a cheft itis? Low. I still like the
Janet Jackson. Shanty boys, Ohshanty boys, Oh shanty boys. Chanty
boys. No, no, no, no, my first dammte baby,

(46:12):
It's Paul mister Boni. And ifyou're nasty, we'll see you next.
We will see you guys there.I hope you have nasty boys stuck in
your head now. Chanty boys