Ep #2: Friendship Breakups

We're sharing our own personal experiences with friendship breakups.


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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
This week, a hot new bombshellenters the villa. I'm Shanaya. I'm
a content creator and a manic moneyspender. I'm Valerie. I'm a serial
entrepreneur and recovering perfectionists. We're hereto bring you life in wellness, tips,
tricks and hacks from experts and ourpersonal experiences. This is the Hot

(00:21):
Girls Cry Podcast. Hi guys,welcome back to the Haco Crime Podcast.
Today we are going to be talkingabout friendship breakups, a very hot topic.

(00:41):
But first we're going to do thisthing where we share something that we're
grateful for. And you, guys, if you want to just think of
something you're grateful for two so youcan join us or say it out loud,
or like, if you're listening withsomeone, have them say it.
You know. However, but yeah, what are you grateful for? I
am grateful for you that we getto do this fun project together. Oh

(01:08):
I know, it's so fun.It's so fun. I am grateful for
you. Cringe you No, buton a really on a really I don't
know sobby note. Literally when Isay my gratefuls every day, I'm like,

(01:29):
no, oh, yeah, that'sthat's the theme for the Friendship Breakup
Podcast. Yeah, we're grateful foreach other definitely during this podcast especially,
But it came about because um inour last episodes and I mentioned that in
the morning she always does her threegratitudes, and I was like, that'd
be sweet for us to like juststart the podcast on like a grateful note
and just maybe that'll motivate others totry it. So here here it is.

(01:53):
It really does work. It seemsso like almost not dumb, but
it seems small, but I reallythink it does. It works. It
changes your whole life. And Ithink sometimes too, like I feel like
we've been good about like we dotell each other that we're grateful for each
other, and like, although weboth know it, hearing it does make
it difference. So I feel like, especially if it's a person in your

(02:15):
life or a thing in your life, like you just say it. So
I'm speaking to them, Yeah,just feel it, speak it, say
it, you know, manifesting.Yeah, So we're talking about friendship breakups
and this has been kind of Ifeel like everyone definitely has to go through
this at some point in their life. Yeah, And genuinely I feel like

(02:39):
a friendship breakups are harder than relationshipbreakups. Yeah, I think they really
hurt differently. And we've both hadpretty big friendship breakups in the past couple
of years since being friends with eachother, and like we've seen each other
go through them and it's not fun. It's not a nice thing to see

(03:00):
because it's hard, and I don'tknow, it is just so different than
like relationships, Like I don't knowwhy. I guess I feel like it's
just you get hurt differently by afriend because you're supported differently by a friend.
I guess. Yeah, I thinkit's because girls operate differently with each
other than they do in a relationship. Like we tell each other every Yeah,

(03:23):
there's a different level of vulnerability.Yeah, you tell each other absolutely
everything, and you trust each otherdifferently and you yeah, definitely, like
you said, just a different levelof vulnerability. Yeah, and your friendship
breakup that you went through, andlike our friendship breakups in general were very
different because yours was much more public. The people involved were more publicly known

(03:45):
to be friends with you just becauseof your job as an influencer, and
we all were influencers, so yeah, we all made content together, and
so there was a lot more Imean, not that your audience was involved,
but it was definitely brought up alot more publicly, like you were
asked about it. Out with mine, it was very private, like I
don't know that the girl even knowswe had a friendship breakup I and mine,
which is like very different and sowe both had like very different experiences

(04:09):
and they're both very painful in theirown way. But yeah, you live
and you learn. Yeah, youdefinitely do. That's all you can do
is honestly, what's done is done, and take what you learn from it
and just apply it in future,so hopefully it doesn't happen again, because
that shit sucks. So yeah,I definitely never ever ever want to go
through that again. And I feellike that is something I definitely came to

(04:32):
realize this year, was that I'veI've had more friendship breakups than just the
one that everyone knows about. Noteveryone like I'm so famous, Oh my
god, you obviously know what we'rereferring to that wrote about. I've had
an otherwise, No, but I'vehad other ones outside of that because I've

(04:54):
always, even since I was little, been the type of person that has
so many friends. I love connectingwith people. I love to have friends.
I love to be around people.I love feeding off others' energy.
So I've had you know, withthat comes obviously you're not going to drive
with everyone. Obviously there's going tobe some there's going to be some endings
that don't turn out in your favor. If you have, you know,

(05:15):
the more friends, the more probabilitythat is to happen. So I've had
friendship breakups outside that too, AndI feel like this year, I've definitely
just realized that I have completely changedfrom that person who's always seeking out friendships
and always like trying to meet newpeople because I've been so traumatized. And

(05:35):
I'm like, I don't want to. I don't want to, like a
defense mechanism almost Yeah, I'm like, I don't want anyone to get close
to me because I don't want themto have the chance to hurt me.
Yeah, And I've always been thecomplete opposite where like I've never had a
large group of friends, Like Idon't have any childhood friends that I've like

(05:56):
stayed friends with through adulthood, likemy childhood friends or my friends in my
childhood. I had like my highschool friends, and then I had like
a couple like two or three collegefriends, but like even present day,
like me and you have only knowneach other for a couple of years,
and like I don't have other friendsthat have stayed with me over the years.
But I think I also have alwaysreally struggled to like keep friendships,
and I think there's like a levelof self sabotage to that, but I

(06:18):
think there's also just we learn alot as we grow as adults and like
through career changes, through college andstuff like that. So I think,
like we both said, like youcan learn from it, and I think
like sometimes you can make so muchmore sense of it after the fact when
you can look at it more objectively, and like now I can look back
on a lot of my friendships andI'm like, Okay, that makes a
lot of sense. Now I'm abit more self aware, and there's obviously

(06:39):
things I could have done differently orwhatever. But you'll live and you'll learn,
and yeah, it's just we arewhere we are now today because of
those experiences too. Yeah exactly.I mean as much as the friendship breakups
her and they suck and it's dramaand you nobody wants that, Like those
things had to happen in both ofour situations for us to learn how to

(07:02):
navigate a friendship and learn how tolike nip things in the butt that we
see or whatever. But for me, I feel like one of the biggest
things that I learned was to justtrust your gut, like if believe.

(07:24):
And I don't want to say thisbecause I don't want to say, like
these people are bad people, right, but believe who people are when they
show you and don't like, youknow, try to see And I'm not
saying that means that they're a badperson, but maybe they're just not aligned
with you in that moment, somaybe not for you, and still be
like, yeah, and those theyare good people, you know, at

(07:45):
the end of the day, they'renot evil people. But they just weren't
aligned with me, and the waythat we were like acting in those moments
were completely like not aligned with eachother. So it ended up in flames.
But I saw that early on andcould have distance myself, but instead
I tried to keep, you know, keep it going, keep it going,

(08:05):
when you just ended up hurting moreso. But I think as kids
were taught like be nice and likewhen someone's nice to you, be friends
with them, like it could benice to your friends, Like I think,
especially as women, and like,starting from a very young age,
we're very much taught to like becomplacent, be polite, be kind like
that it's almost no harm, nofoul unless somebody's done something wrong. And
I think we need to like reallyfocus more on like what is right for

(08:28):
us, and like somebody can bewrong for you without doing you wrong,
you know, Yeah, but divein, like start with start from the
beginning, Okay, Well, objectivelyspeaking, I was in a very long

(08:50):
friendship, not very long, whatwas it two years? Two years when
I very first moved to La andum, you know, we got very
very close, very quickly, shareda room together, literally were like and
I think that for anyone to makeit out of that situation is flabbergasting.

(09:11):
Like if you can live in thesame room with someone and come out still
friends. On the other end,that is impressive. If you're married,
yeah, even if you're married,even if your roommates, no matter what
you know. And me, I'msuch a people pleaser that I would just
never voice whenever something was bothering me, and I would always just you know,

(09:31):
take it on the chin and youknow, just try to keep going
through it, and then so muchresentment just build up for me because I
wasn't voicing, I wasn't telling Iwasn't telling her what I needed in the
friendship. I wasn't you know,So I wasn't I wasn't even giving her
that chance to rectify anything at theend of the day. Yeah, so

(09:54):
it's hard to, like, especiallywhen you're living with someone. It's already
hard enough to address someone and belike, hey, like I'm happy with
this, or hey, this doesn'tmake me feel good, like can we
change it, but like to thenalso have the confidence in like the nerve
to say something when you're living withsomeone and like imagine that conversation doesn't go
well and then you're like they're justthere. Yeah. I think that was
where a lot of my anxiety camefrom as well, because we were like

(10:18):
so close that it was like Ididn't want her to receive anything wrong.
And then it completely changed, Yeah, our friendship, and I completely changed
my life and my living situation andeverything. So it was just, yeah,
it was just not the best situationto be in. And then at

(10:39):
one point it just got to thepoint where I. For me, there
was just no going back into thefriendship. So I tried to just just
distance myself and be like, hey, this isn't working out for me.
And then as it goes, youknow, you're her, they're her,
and people's feelings are just flying andnot so nice ways. And then we

(11:03):
had a whole Twitter sell it cringeynow, like, oh my god,
there was so much too it though, like y'all, because it wasn't even
just y'all either, like y'all hadanother mutual friend like in the friendship.
And then it's hard when it's likea trio because then it's like you don't
want to feel ganged up on.You don't want to be part of ganging

(11:24):
up on, you know, solike and then it's like who said what?
And then there's a lot of roomfor misinterpretation and there's a lot of
room for like tone, and soI feel like a lot of it can
stem from, you know, howsomeone's feeling. And then if you're already
feeling uncomfortable and unhappy, like you'regoing to receive things in a different way
than maybe they were intended as well. Yeah, so it makes it really
really just like sticky I think triofriendships are so hard just even if there's

(11:50):
no issues, like, yeah,they're just so hard to navigate it with
girls because we are weird possessive,I think by nature, like especially with
our girlfriend, and so that wasn'tour issue. But just like I know,
whenever there's groups of three girls,of course it's possible, but I
like that's always a harder friendship dynamicin general. It's it's hard to make

(12:13):
sure everyone equally feels loved and yeah, like everyone feels the same level of
best and the best friend. Likethat is very hard to navigate in and
of itself. So, yeah,there was another person involved, and I
didn't even really have for me.She wasn't like that's not where a lot

(12:35):
of my hurt came from, butdefinitely was a part of like the whole
Twitter shibang. Yeah. And thenI feel like that was good that that
happened, though, because even thoughit happened in the worst way possible,
at least we said all the shitthat we wanted to say. Yeah,
And I think that was the reasonTwitter it even took to Twitter, because

(12:58):
I feel like you were you gotto a point where like things were festering,
and I feel like once you haveresentment, resentment in itself is poison.
And then once there's festering, it'sreally hard to backtrack out of festering.
And I feel like you got tothat point where you're like, Okay,
I need to remove myself from thisfriendship. But because nothing had ever
been addressed before, and because therewere things that you had been unhappy about

(13:20):
over time that hadn't that you hadn'tbrought up, and then they festered,
and then you got to a breakingpoint. It was very apparent to you
what was going on, but liketo her, it was probably like probably
felt a little blindsided. Yeah,and then because it was almost like you
couldn't just dump it and be like, here's every single issue I've ever had,

(13:41):
because like, that doesn't that doesn'thelp anyone. Yeah, Like I
don't want to sit here and belike you're wrong for this, this,
this, this, and this,Like I'm not holding a grudge, but
here's everything that you did for thepast three years. Yeah, and what's
the what's the point of doing thatif I'm not looking to continue the friendship?
Yeah, you know, but thenI'm sure it left a lot of
like questions for her, and sothen it probably just left the relationship a

(14:03):
little. Although it was ended,it was like open ended because you knew
exactly how you felt and you knewlike you were done, but like it
may have not felt that way likemutually. So then when it took to
Twitter, it was like, allright, let's share her actual feelings here
since we're not going to talk aboutthese like adults. Yeah, and of
course it's like it's always the smallestthing that like breaks the camels back,

(14:24):
you know, it's not the actualissues. It's like you put like the
smallest little thing you'll like set youoff, And that's basically what happened.
So I take accountability for that though, because I started that shit and I
shouldn't have. Okay, I shouldnot have, and like, I mean,
it's important to like be able toacknowledge like it's probably not the best

(14:45):
way to handle things. But atthe same time, it was valid because
you did feel like you hadn't beenheard because you didn't ever voice all these
things. But then you also feltlike there was no reason to voice all
these things because you were ending itanyways, but like that didn't you never
were able to get out of yoursystem even though you were removed. Yeah,
definitely. And I mean I'm notsaying they were trying to get up

(15:07):
on me, but I did feelganged up on obviously because the friend group
that I was with I took myselfout of and then you know that all
just continued and yeah, things weresaid, and so I just felt like
I was just backed into a cornerkind of. Yeah. So, and
I don't want to like put wordsin their mouth, but I'm sure it
probably seemed like, well, youchose this, like you wanted to remove

(15:31):
yourself so you should be happy whenit was really really hard for you,
and like you were really sad andlike really hurt and really lonely, Like
it's not easy, even if it'sthe right thing and what you need,
it's not easy. And so Ithink when you removed, I think it
was almost like thrown in your faceof like, goal, are you happy
now? Like maybe not even intentionally, yeah, of course, but that's

(15:54):
just kind of how it feels,yeah, of course. And it's like
I probably didn't do myself anything isbecause I always try to be like super
strong and like super independent and youknow, and I am for sure,
but at the same time, I'mliving in the city where I just lost
every single friend, yeah I everhad in that city. So it's like
I'm completely on my own, livingon my own for the first time,

(16:17):
and I was just like thank godI had you and you were she was
there for almost all of it.Yeah, it is hard to see because
like it's hurtful. And then whenyou know, like like I know how
kind you are and how much itwas hurting you and how you were feeling
through all of it, so thento see you getting like misinterpreted or and

(16:41):
like because of course it hurts,Like it hurts for everyone involved, and
it sucks for everyone involved. LikeI'm not saying that, like you did
everything flawlessly and they should be likethinking you for that, but like it
was going to hurt for everyone involved. But it just sucks seeing like it
takes such a gross turn when likeyou did it, like even though you
like you said, like you probablyshould have acknowledged something sooner, or you

(17:03):
could have nipped in the butt soonerso that things did infester, but like
when you still handled it in theabsolute best way that you could to be
kind, to still take care ofyourself and then for it to still blow
up in your face, it's kindof like, oh, like this sucks.
No, it definitely was. Itwas one of the hardest, hardest
things I've ever been through, definitelyharder than any breakup I've ever gone through.

(17:26):
And it was a huge lesson inthat way for me to just like,
you know, really really obviously Istill want to and what I'm realizing
now it's I still want to bethe person who has a friend group and
hangs out with people, and that'sjust a part of me that I never
want to get rid of. Butat the same time, like I really
do need to be aware of thetype of people, not the type of

(17:51):
people, but just where those peopleare in their life and if they're ready
to meet me where I want tobe met in my friendship. Yeah,
and just look out for those things. Yeah, I think that makes a
big difference, because somebody can havelike a similar personality or similar energy.
But I do feel like lifestyles makea really big difference in how you can
relate to someone and how you canappreciate someone. But I feel like you

(18:14):
also learned so much from that friendship, and like you've been applying it to
like our friendship, other friendship,like meeting people and you're like, Okay,
I don't want to feel this waytwice, I don't want to make
them like you were able to sitthere and reflect on like, Okay,
what could I have handled better?Because at the end of the day,
all we can control is our ownactions. Yeah, Like what's done is
done. I didn't handle that thebest way, And all I can do

(18:38):
now is be sure like if youand I, if I'm ever not feeling
supported by you in the way Iwant to be, then I can just
say like hey, And I feellike the biggest thing in friendships is knowing
that you have someone around you thatwill care enough to support you the way,
like no matter what, even ifthat's not the way that they normally
function, Like, yeah, ifyou need to be support it in this

(19:00):
way, I got you. Yeah, And I think it's important, Like
I think in a friendship, youhave to make it safe for somebody to
address something. And I feel likeyou also like it was your people pleasing,
it was the living situation because youdidn't want to like make your own
living situation uncomfortable, but you alsodidn't feel totally safe addressing something because you're
like, I don't actually know howthis will be received. I never have

(19:21):
done that before. I had beenvery grateful to like never really like live
with anyone that I was that closewith, so I've never run into like
any issues like that. And thenI've always just been a major people please
are like I never want to makesomeone feel like they're doing something wrong or
like I'm scolding them or you knowanything. So I was just never really

(19:45):
taught that. And I think alsonot to get super deep, but I
grew up in a school where ifyou said anything wrong, like you could
get jumped, like people were fighting. Okay, people were fighting, and
it was like I feel like that'skind of just like a trauma thing that
I learned, Like you don't upsetanyone or else, like shit, bad
shit's going to happen, you know, And like I think just not like

(20:07):
being aware and like you said,like when people show you who they are,
believe it. And if they makeyou feel a type of way,
whether it's intended or not, likeyour feelings are still valid. So like
if they're making you feel like there'san underlying agenda or like if it's very
passive, like like I don't know, patronizing comments like I don't know,
just like always just be aware oflike how someone makes you feel, and

(20:29):
then if it's not their intention,like you should be in a safe friendship
to address that, and then ifit is their intention, then like it
out. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Trust your gut, honestly, there
is some science in that, Likeyou're a gut knows who's good for you
and who's not, and don't pushthat feeling to the side. And I

(20:49):
feel like it gets better as youlearn like what it's trying to tell you.
I feel like that's one big thingI've learned from you. You are
very quick to be like, hlike, that person's energy is not for
me. And it's funny you saythat because I feel like I have like
Noga, like I feel like she'sbeen silenced for so long that she's like

(21:11):
not speaking up. I feel likeyou are good about going into situations and
being like do I like this person? Yeah, instead of being like do
I does this person like me?Like? I feel like I'm very like
does this person like me? Am? I okay? You know, and
you're very like do I even doI like this question? Do I want
this person? Around me. Nogood, I don't want them, I
think because I've never really had ahuge friend groups. I'm very happy like

(21:32):
not having friends and like I alwayslike tell Shania, like you feel my
friend Cup, like I don't needother friends, Like I'm good. Yeah,
like I've all set, and soI feel like I also feel like
I'm low key judgmental. So Ifeel like when I meet people, I'm
immediately like, what what's up withyou? Like where did you come from?
What's your intentions? What are youdoing here? Like where you going
in life? Do I want tobe a part of that? But that's

(21:53):
good though, Like you're so allowedto be so picky and a whole.
Yeah I run through so happy Imade the cut. Yeah, but it's
your space that your life, likethose the people around you are going to
literally pave the way for how yourlife goes. So it's so valid to

(22:15):
be judgmental and like very picky withwho you allow into your circle because also
your feelings are on the line aswell. Yeah, and your energy too,
because I feel like with friendships,like it isn't just what do people
bring you and how do people makeyou feel? It's well how you can
contribute to their lives. And Ithink, like that's for me why I'm
so like judgmental and like really likeanalyze it because I know when I'm friends

(22:37):
with someone, I'm going to bethe best just freaking friend and I'm going
to dedicate my day and day outenergy to being your friend. And it's
like is that going to be somethingthat you receive? Like are you going
to reciprocate? Like is it worthit? Like and so I feel like
that's really important too, is tolike consider, like you, the friendship

(22:59):
goes both way, and like theenergy goes both ways. So it's like,
okay, does this even make sensefor both of us? Like can
I contribute to you? Can youfeed into me? Like how's this looking?
Yeah, you're very all or nothing, Like there's not any Like I
mean there's acquaintances for sure, butif you're a friend, it's like you're
my friend. We're hanging out,we are spending time, We're doing all

(23:19):
of the things like you're a partof my family, my life. Yeah,
all of it. But I thinkit's like you said, like meeting
people where they're at, accepting peoplewhere they're at, and like just being
aware of what you want out ofa friendship, and that can mean different
things. Like I know there's somany people who say, like, oh,
yeah, I mean my friend onlycatch up like every three months and
like picking up where we left off, Like that is not the friendship for
me. Like I am not thatkind of person. I want day and

(23:42):
day out check ins. I wantto know what you're up to. I
want to know you have for breakfast, Like I want to be involved.
And that's just how I am asa person, and like that's there's nothing
wrong with the other forms of friendship, but people have stuff going on,
Like I get that, but likefor me, that's what I need and
want in a friendship to feel good, and so I try to seek that

(24:02):
out and I have that in you, and my cup is full and we
are not taking applications. You're like, I'm good. I'm oh, I'm
so blacked. How did your friendshipbreak up kind of go down? It
was a slow downfall. I feellike that was kind of the hardest thing,
Like nothing was ever said and itwas kind of just like a fizzle.

(24:26):
Yeah, because I'm like, onething I always like admire so much
about Shania is like although not bothof us are people pleasers and like we're
not the most confrontational people. Youknow, when it's time to speak up,
and you will, I will not. I will forever, I'll take
it to my grave. I won'taddress it. I know that I need
to. I'll know that it's time. I cannot, like I will just

(24:48):
leave it. And I'd be likeI'd rather be uncomfortable for the rest of
my life than say something. Andthat's kind of what happened with my friendship.
And like, like I said,like I haven't had that many like
super close friends, and I thinkthat's also I think I've trained myself to
think that, like, oh,it's not that serious, like they're not
my I think because I see othergirls with like their childhood best friend and
like their children, like their childhoodbest friends who become their maid of honors

(25:11):
and things like that, and likeI never had that, Like the girls
who I asking my maid of honorI'm not even currently friends with and I
had only known for like a year. Yeah, and so I just feel
like not that that's you know,meaningless, but I think I almost like
gaslight myself and think like, oh, well, it's not that serious because
I didn't know them since childhood,and so the friendship breakup that I went

(25:33):
through was kind of like that we'relike I had only known her a couple
of years. We got really closereally fast because like I said, like
once you once you're in my friendship, like title, we're fucking friends.
Yeah, we're the best friend.You don't do it. You're a very
all or nothing with every everything,every aspect of your life. Yeah,
it's like you're not going to havesomeone just kind of like if you want
to hang out, it's cool.If not whatever, you know, yeah,

(25:55):
like there's that does not fly.I'm letting you know right now.
I'm just very very like I puta lot of time and effort and like
to a fold no you do intothe people around me too, to the
point where like I will hurt myselfand I have like no protection over my
own energy. And it's almost likeand this is like what I've learned as

(26:17):
like through therapy, friendship breakups andjust becoming more self aware is like sometimes
it's not even like me trying togive, it's me trying to prove that
I will give. And so Idon't know, it's just it's a thing.
But basically with this friendship in particular, like we were getting really close
and we worked together, which madeit a lot easier to get close because
when you spend ten hours a daywith somebody in an office, like,

(26:41):
of course you're going to get close. Yeah, of course. And we
had a lot in comment. Andthen it was also coming up on like
really big things in my life,like my wedding, so it was really
easy to do a lot of likethe best friend type things like wedding dress
shopping and planning and bachelorette and soI feel like the friendship kind of to
me was like the friendship I alwayswanted because these things were coming up and

(27:04):
I was like, oh, perfect, Like we're falling in line with like
what friendship is supposed to be,Like we're supposed to go wedding just shopping
together, we're supposed to have ourbachelorette and those are huge moments in your
life. So of course, Imean, like if you're doing those with
someone, I would you would thinkthose are going to be like, you
know, core moments for you.You assume, however, was doing them
with you. It's like down forride or die, And I think I

(27:26):
like almost subconsciously like force that onthis person too, because I felt so
sad that like I didn't have thattraditional childhood best friend to do these things
with. I didn't have that friendfrom middle school. Like these were completely
new friends to me that were justbecause of the result of timing involved in
this huge moment in my life.So I think I just was like,

(27:48):
well, if they're going to bein this moment in my life, like
we need this to be like lifelongfriendship. So I think I almost like
subconsciously like they can't begin to forcethat friendship on them. And because it
was two girls who I was closewith, but like this one in particular,
like we got really close and thenshe had a lot happening in her
life, and I think that wasreally hard for me too, because I

(28:10):
felt like I showed up as bestas I could to support her, and
like I think one of my thingsthat like I am at fault for in
general in life is like because Iknow I'll show up so freaking hard and
like go to bat for anybody thatfor anybody like in my life that when
I need you, I just expectedin return and it's not like I'm like

(28:32):
keep an itally and it's like Ineed payback. But it's like I feel
like you should be able to expectthat from the people in your life.
Of course, I don't think that'snecessarily a fault. I don't think that
really, not that. I reallydon't think you should ever allow someone to
do something for you if you don'tthink that you will be there for them
in the future. Yeah. SoI don't think that's like on you at

(28:55):
all, Like if you're like goingabove and on for someone, for someone
to allow that to happen knowing thatthey will never be able to reciprocate it,
Yeah, it is very weird tome. And I think that was
the weirdest thing in that friendship,was like she kind of straight up said
that, Like I remember, shejust like told me, like, you're
a really good friend to me,and I'll never be that good of a

(29:17):
friend to you. And I waslike, okay, you agree, Wow,
can't wait for that. I'm like, are we just like, like,
are you saying, are you tryingto compliment that I'm like such a
good friend that you won't like amountto that, or are you trying to
like manage expectations and just let meknow now not to have high winds.
Like I was just so like what, like why yekay? And and and

(29:37):
then again like that's what like you'resaying, Like I feel like she showed
me who she was. And Iremember I used to always rave about this
person and be like she's the nicestperson, like she's so sweet, like
anybody who meets her loves her,and she's very charismatic and is very bubbly
and sweet. But I remember sheused to tell me. She'd be like
I'm not that nice, like whatdo you mean? And I'm like what
do you mean? And then nowlooking back, I'm like she was straight

(29:59):
up telling me that she wasn't likethis person that I made her up to
be, and I was just likewhy no, Like girl, Well,
I feel like sometimes you just clickwith someone, and it seems like y'all
definitely clicked. And when y'all weretogether, it was really great, and
y'all definitely like y'all like I've hadthose when you just meet someone. I
was like, yeah, okay,like this is good. I can do

(30:22):
a lot a million percent. AndI think that's what I realized in this
friendship is like when we were together, we had such a great time and
it was so fun. But thenoutside of that time that was together,
like I didn't find that she wasyou know, like communicating with me.
Like we wouldn't have like calls,Like I would call her a couple times
like throughout the week just to sayhi, and I wouldn't get it.
Like not only would she like notanswer, but like also just like letting

(30:45):
go my back and I was likeokay, and and like maybe that's like
super nitpicky like high standards, Imean, but like that's how I want
friendship. Like I want someone who'sgoing to like give me, like you
don't have to be like waiting formy freaking call, but like give me
a call back at some point orjust be like, hey, having a
tough week, Like I'll give backto you this weekend like something, you
know, like I want to bethere for you, and like I won't

(31:06):
know how to if like you're justkind of like you know, freezing me
out a little bit. Yeah,definitely, And I think that was hard
for me, Like I think likeI just didn't quite get what was going
on, and I think like Iwas trying so hard to be like friend
to me, like what we're bestfriends, like why are we not doing
this? And then because it wasn'treally being reciprocated in a way that I
like to receive friendship, I waslike, what, like what is going

(31:26):
on? And she was the kindof person that had tons of friends,
She had a big friend group,and I would see that she'd be like
out hanging out with all these otherfriends, and I'm like, Okay,
well, clearly she has the timeto hang out with all these other friends,
but like doesn't have the time forme. So I think it just
like made me really confused because Iwas like, what are we like,

(31:47):
I generally we were dating, becauseI was like, what's our label here?
Because like I see that you're hangingout with all these other friends like
every weekend, and it was justweird. And so I feel like I
just got to a point where likeI never addressed that, I never said
anything. I just felt like shitabout it, and like I wasn't happy
in the friendship, and I wasjust like I just got really down on
myself and was like, obviously I'mnot a priority to her. Obviously she
can set the time aside to goand do all this stuff with her other

(32:12):
friends, but not me, andso I basically like, rather than just
being like, oh, we're likecasual, like we're just going to hang
out here and there, I justtook it as like she clearly doesn't like
me, which is probably a littleextreme, but I just wasn't receiving appreciation
and love and like a friendship thatlike I would have liked to receive,
and there was no communication from eitherof us on like what's going on here?

(32:36):
One million percent? I mean that'sso confusing. It's like she's giving
you mixed signals. Yeah, Likewhen you're together, she's happy as can
be, loves you, you know, clearly gives you like a vibe.
She goes like to core moments withyou, which is something yeah, that
a person in a best friend positionwould do. She accepts all of this
love from you when it benefits her, but then whenever it's your turn,

(32:59):
it's like now yeah, and Ifeel like I like when I was going
through it, I would always saylike it is genuinely like we're dating,
Like I do feel like I'm kindof being messed around by like like almost
like a fuck boy. Like Ifeel like when we were together it was
great, and then I would likeleave that hangout session be like wow,
we're like we're like I was overthinkingeverything, like we're so good, Like
why did I even think anything bad? But then it would be like weeks

(33:21):
without hearing from her, and thenwe wouldn't have like a next day to
hang out like planned, and thenI would like text her and then I'd
get like, you know, maybea response, and then it would be
like out of nowhere, it'd belike I really want to try harder and
like rekindle our friendship and like befriends again, and I'd be like okay,
great, and then it wouldn't happen, and then she would like propose
like oh how about we do somethingat then in the month, and I'd

(33:42):
be like okay, what day,and then like I wouldn't hear from her,
So it was just like so weird. So I almost felt like I
was being like like like dragged alongand I'm like for what, like like
I don't think that you want tobe friends with me, and I think
I just came to turn with themlike it's fine, like if you don't
like me that much or if youdon't have the capacity right now to be

(34:06):
the friend that like I really needand if I'm too much of a like
in the way that I give friendshipfor you right now, Like that's fine,
but I'm like, but what arewe doing? Yeah? Why are
you continuing to try? If wheneverI am down for the effort then you
ghost? Yeah, so confusing andevery level. Yeah, And that's where

(34:28):
I was kind of like, whatis going on? And I think I
got to a point where I genuinelyis like, Okay, I'm one hundred
percent down giving effort, Like I'mone hundred percent done here, and I'm
just going to let it be whatit is. I've accepted that I'm not
the like a big priority for her. I've accepted that we're probably not going
to hang out like and that's fine. Yeah, And I came to terms

(34:49):
with that, and then like monthsgo on, and then all of a
sudden, I get a message fromher and she's like, hey, like,
I want to like, I'm sorryif I did something that ever upset
you, Like I want to likereak into what we had, like can
we get together there? And Iwas like, and I remember like I
was kind of cold about it,and I was like, yeah, like
I'm willing to give it a chance. Like I wanted to make it very
clear that like we I had beendone and like I opened to like rekindling,

(35:14):
but like it would need to bedifferent, I guess, yeah,
And I remember I was just likeokay, like what day, and then
she suggested a day and I waslike, okay, what do you want
to do? Then I literally neverheard from her. We had no official
plans, and then on Instagram,I scene when she's out with all these
other friends on that day, andI'm just like, what was the point
yeah, of reaching out to rekindlewhen you had no intention? Yeah,

(35:35):
of like following through. And Ithink that's what always was so weird to
me, And like this was likea year two year stretch of like things
happening, and I feel like Inever flat out said like what's up,
dude. Like it was just alwayslike me being excited when I had a
chance to hang out, and thenme being sad when I didn't know what

(35:55):
was happening, and then me beinghappy again and sad again, and then
I eventually just gave up. Andthen that's when she piped up and I
was like, okay, so allthat to say, like I never addressed
it. It just like disappeared andlike we're definitely not friends. We definitely
haven't spoken in like a year,but and like that was the last time
we spoke. Was her saying likeI want to really try, and like

(36:15):
I want to be a better friendto you than I was, and like
she admitted to all of this thing. So I thought, I was like,
Okay, maybe we are on thesame page, Like maybe you're recognizing
that like this wasn't totally cool.And then we made those plans and then
they never followed through, and Iwas like, Okay, I've only done
here. Everyone has dealt with aman like this for sure. Yeah,
I'm like like, like I've gota great man. But then I'm over

(36:35):
here. But a man doesn't evendo this, I know one hundred percent.
Like I definitely dealt with guys thatare toxic like that, that just
like want you when they want youwhen it's convenient for them, or when
you come across their minor they seea hot picture of you on Instagram and
then just ghost you. Yeah,And I think the hardest part for me
was like I can accept that maybelike I wasn't a priority to her.
I can accept that maybe I wastoo much in the way I like gave

(36:58):
my friendship. Like I can acceptthat, like whatever, but I'm just
like, what was the point,Like what what did you gain from this?
Because I don't think she particularly likedhanging out with me. Otherwise I
feel like we would have hung outmore and I don't feel like she's like
talking to me. Otherwise we probablywould have talked more. And I'm like,
so what what? Like, Soto me, I almost felt like
for a long time, like maybeshe felt like she owed it to me

(37:19):
to be my friend because I wantedit so bad. Yeah, which is
like also a really shitty feeling.So I'm like all of that is shitty,
Yeah, all of it. Soit was just like a lot and
like I feel like that really hurtme because and then it almost made me
like really self conscious of like areyou being like with everyone now it's like
are you being my friend because youlike me? Or do you like feel
bad for me and feel like youowe it to me? Because I'm a

(37:40):
very giving person. Yeah, Inever want someone to like feel like they
have to be my friend because Idid something for them, because like that's
ikey. Well, I feel likefrom the outside looking at I don't know
what is going on actually in herbrain obviously, but I feel like she
probably saw your potential. She probablysaw that you're an amazing person, amazing
friend, like you have so muchgoing for you. But at the end

(38:02):
of the day, I feel likeher life wasn't like aligned with yours in
the way like she's probably not youknow, driven like you, or doesn't
have the same like wellness interests andyou know, just on the same type
of vibe in general. So Ithink she likes what you had going on,

(38:22):
but I don't think that it wasnecessarily like what she will ever be
into having going on, like theidea of me it really is though,
it really is, though, andI don't. I mean, that's her
bad for not like taking advantage oflike actually being your friend, because you're
literally the best fucking friend. Yeah, so she's an idiot. But and

(38:46):
I think it was really hard too, because I think it made me feel
like I have too high of standardsand friendship. I think it made me
feel like I have these unrealistic expectationsfrom a friend and like me and you
were like build our friendship while meand this girl we're friends. So like
I didn't have you like to thefullness that I have you now. But

(39:06):
at the time I was kind oflike, maybe I'm just asking too much
of them, Like maybe this isn'tfair of me to like want to talk
on the rag and to want tohang out on the rag and like be
there for each other the way thatI feel like I need it. And
then when me and you started beingfriends and like it was just perfect,
I was like, Okay, wellshould I was doing it over here like
effortlessly, like obviously the standards canbe met, like like everyone else is

(39:30):
just less than I was. Kay, actually yeah, I mean I don't
want to sit here on my highhorse and be like, wow, she
was such a piece of shit friendbut like it sucked and it was really
hard and it was really painful.But what I learned from it was like
I obviously needed to communicate more howI was feeling and like maybe what I
needed from a friendship to feel good. And I think that would have also

(39:52):
opened up the space for her totell me a bit more, because I
think I'm sure, like I'm notI'm not going to sit here and think
that like she was perfectly happy inthe friendship either, like obviously there was
something weird going on. So Ithink if I had just like made it
a more safe space to be like, hey, like this is how I'm
feeling. I feel like it wouldmake me feel a lot better if we

(40:12):
could do this, and then Icould give her that space too, to
be like how do you feel?I think that would have gone differently.
But I think I just spent solong being like so paranoid and uncomfortable and
being like I might be doing somethingwrong or I'm doing everything right and she's
doing something wrong. Then it didn'treally have any like room for communication.
And then I think I also justlet it drag on like far too long
and like I exhausted my energy whenlike there, I should have just accepted

(40:37):
what she was showing me and belike okay, like got it, instead
of like dragging it forever while Iwas watching it happen. That's what I
That's what I was just begging for. I was like, please just never
speak to this girl again, likeyou don't really needed her to like dump
me. Yeah, It's like it'slike what the fuck were Like? I
almost felt like there was that littlechance that I was like, Okay,
well maybe yeah, and I'm seeingthis and obviously you're my best friend.

(41:00):
So I'm like, what, like, girl, like, don't even give
that girl energy, like she doesnot deserve you. Like I know how
good of a friend you are,Like you you don't just talk to talk
like you will drive me to theother side of the United States like you
you are, yes, literally alllike she is about it, like she
is such a good friend. SoI'm like, why are you even like

(41:22):
entertaining this girl, Like it's likeyour best friend. When she's talking to
You're like, girl, drop him, leave him alone, like no,
And that's why I felt. ButI feel like you needed closure, but
you just wouldn't, like you wouldn'tstart the closure because I feel like it
was just so messy in so manydifferent working parts at that point. And

(41:42):
I think I would never start theclosure either, because I started to get
so there was so much gray areain our friendship, yeah, that I
didn't want to go in hard whenI'm like, maybe I because we had
so little communication and like maybe Ihave fucked up and I just don't know
it, and like I don't wantto sit here and be like she did
this and she did that, orshe didn't do this and that when maybe

(42:04):
she's feeling a type of way aboutme and I just don't know, and
so I do just like look back, and I'm like, I wish we
could have just communicated, But Ialso wish I'd just taken the hints and
been like, Okay, like clearlythis is not for me, and because
I think it caused me a lotmore stress than it did happiness, and
that sucks. Yeah, but Ithink I also just like let the timing
get away from me, where Ithought like, oh, well, we
worked together and we spend all thistime together, and so I do look

(42:25):
back and I think, like,now, objectively looking at the friendship,
I think it just conveniently became afriendship because we worked together, so we
inherently spend all this time together.So I felt like we were best friends.
But then the second we left ourjob and like we weren't working together
and we weren't spending all this timetogether, that was immediately when like it
started to fizzle. So I'm like, Okay, I think the friendship was

(42:47):
there when it was super convenient.Yeah, definitely, And that's hard.
That's a hard pill to swallow becauseI'm like I almost feel like I made
up this entire friendship in my head. No, definitely not. I mean
for someone to accept what they whatshe accepted from you being like the oh
like all or nothing type of friendyou are, Like, that's giving major

(43:09):
signals that y'all are you know,write or die like, y'all are going
to be solid. So yeah,you definitely didn't make it up in your
head. But I don't know herpersonally, but yeah, I do feel
like she she probably liked the ideaof you, so it probably wasn't malicious
in her accepting that, but shenever should have accepted it if she didn't

(43:32):
see a future with you guys.Yeah, no for real, No honestly
though, So you feel like thebiggest things you learned was to just like
if things start getting like shaky orlike they're not going in a direction,
you like to nip it in thebud. Yeah. I think both for
both of us, I think we'vekind of found like okay, like the

(43:52):
second something's uncomfy, just say something. Yeah, And I feel like,
after watching each other have different friendchips fester, we both are also very
aware of like like I remember therewas one time where I said something and
I was I you left, andI was like, I feel like that
could have been taken the way Ididn't mean it. And I remember telling
you like, hey, I hopeyou know, like this is not how
I meant it, because I didn'teven want it to become a miscommunication.

(44:15):
I don't even know what you're talkingabout when you took a nap in La
gone into your food and I likelost my ship. Oh yeah, my
dogs are really terrible. But Ijust remember being like I lost my ship
about the situation. But I feellike I took it out on you,
and I was like, oh,I hope she didn't like it was one
of those were in the moment.I didn't realize that afterwards, I was
like, oh, I feel sobad. Yeah, And like, rather

(44:37):
than just like disregarding and hoping thatyou just didn't take it that way,
I was like, I just wantto let you know it just in case
this is a thought in your mind. And I feel like if you've done
with that with me too, likeI feel like there's been times where you
had to be like hey, likeI'm sure you didn't mean to, but
like this is how this fell.And yeah, and I personally don't take
criticism well, like, yeah,it's not a thing. But I know
that like for us to have ahealthy friendship, I do have to sit

(44:58):
back and I can't get defensive.I have to turn and be like,
oh my gosh, like I'm sosorry, like of course, yeah,
and receive that, you know,yeah, especially because I mean, to
be friends with someone is to thinkthe best of them, that all of
their actions are moving out of likelove and kindness and not maliciously. So
even if they do something that hurtsyou, it's probably it's none of those

(45:22):
things if you like have that trustin them. So it's like if you
do bring it to someone, it'sjust like, hey, I know,
you probably weren't thinking about this,or this was probably triggered by something else
or whatever it may be. ButI also do think if you're having those
moments so much with someone, theny'all probably like you know, like we've

(45:42):
had like what one or two ofthose in a couple of years, one
each, Yeah, I can rememberthem vividly, Yeah, exactly. And
like my other best friend, we'veI don't even think we have had any
or maybe like one, you know, of like ten plus years. So
it's like if those things are happeningson instantly, it's like, okay,
maybe we should just reevaluate this,like yeah, all together, because I

(46:04):
don't think that we need to belike checking each other this often. I
feel like, you don't think itmakes you question their intentions, and then
at that point, you shouldn't haveto question your friend's intentions. You should
know that they're rooting for you always. Yeah, And I feel like that's
definitely the biggest thing. I neverwant anyone around me who sees me as
competition. Yeah, Like I've hadthat so much with girls, and just

(46:28):
like it's sad because to me,girl friendships are like one of the biggest
gifts in life, Like it's oneof my favorite things on this planet's women
supporting each other and like women friendships, And I genuinely do feel like though
for some reason, probably the waysociety pins us against each other, we

(46:51):
get very like competitive and very likeI don't know, I mean, I
feel like with the friendships I've hadin the past too, like I am
a very like big dreamer, I'ma very big overachiever, and I don't
feel like with the friendship breakup Ihad, like the times that I would
be like excited about something like Ifeel like she and like, again,
it was probably coming from a goodplace, but I feel like she tried
to be like Devil's advocate or triedto be like I just want to bring

(47:13):
you back to reality or I justwant you to, you know, be
smart about this, And I'm like, I'm used dreaming big, Like can
I be excited for me? Youbetter think I'm freaking Beyonce. If you're
my friend, Okay, that's theonly energy I want is you being like
you can fly to the damn moonif you want to, sister, like
from my partner, from anyone,like, yeah, don't try to bring

(47:35):
me back down to some small mindedthinking. Yeah, like my mom and
dad can do that. Yeah that'stheir job. O. My accountant like
she can bring me back or howNo? Yeah, yeah, I definitely
think that's like a huge theme.It is like the people in your life
are going to make you who youare. So be picky and have people

(47:59):
cheering for you and rooting for you, and if anyone ever tells you you're
not beyond it, then kick upto the car. Yeah. If your
friends don't make you feel like you'rethe ship and like you're invincible, and
if they're not there for you,and if you don't feel like you could
count on your friends for anything,and if you do feel like there's like
outside intentions or something that like you'reprobably you are probably right gut honey.

(48:21):
Yeah one, I feel like thatwas everything we want to tea. Yeah,
such a good episode, y'all.Thank you for listening. We love
you. Talk to us on ourInstagram. This was a hard one.
I was like shaking during my part. I was like, oh, like
all the feelings were coming back up. But yeah, they are triggering,
like past friendships down the triggering.But you're live and you learning, we

(48:43):
grow, and I think that's all. That's all. Thanks for listening to
the Hot Girls Cry Podcast. Ifyou've enjoyed this episode, show some love
and support with a rating review,or keep the conversation going over on our
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