June 2, 2025 • 18 mins
Most early educators and families know that positive guidance helps children learn about rules, boundaries, and expectations. Do you know the characteristics of positive approaches for teaching children about behavior? Cindy and Alison discuss the essential elements of a positive approach that supports children and teaches them how to use their power in productive ways.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to How Preschool Teachers Do It. This is Alison Kentos.
I am an early childhood educator. And this is Cindy
terror Bush. I am an early childhood consultant.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
This podcast is for parents and early childhood professionals.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Let our experience and research based knowledge become your guide.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Hello preschool peeps, we welcome you back.
Speaker 4 (00:26):
Happy Monday.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
Why are we saying sing song y?
Speaker 4 (00:30):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
I don't know either. We're going to cut that out too.
We're going to cut that out, are you though? I
am no, I am. We're going to We're going to
give a shout out to a couple of places where
people are listening to this podcast.
Speaker 4 (00:42):
Yes, and one of those places is Dubai.
Speaker 3 (00:44):
That's really cool. I know, that's really great. I would
love to see Dubai someday. Me too.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
And Shreveport, Louisiana.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Have you been to Louisiana? I have not meant to.
I mean too, me too.
Speaker 4 (00:58):
Food would be amazing.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
I've heard good things about the food. Yeah. I think
that there was a professional conference that was going to
take place there, but then there was pandemic and so
no Louisiana.
Speaker 4 (01:08):
I also just imagine it being very festive.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
And I don't know if it's cool New Orleans, but yeah,
I feel like that's a very like first off.
Speaker 4 (01:17):
Like a historical town and just I don't know. I
just think it would be.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Cool to explore. It would be cool to explore. I
have a cousin who loves Marty Gras, But for me,
I think it would.
Speaker 4 (01:26):
Be a lot me and my introvertedness.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
But I would love to see the place, yeah, or
maybe like see that from like a distance, if I
could maybe just to see like, oh, that's what people do.
Speaker 4 (01:38):
Okay, I'm going back to bed, but it would be cool.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
It would be cool. Okay, so we've established maybe maybe
today we're going to talk about something that means a
whole lot to me because I teach it all the time.
I teach it on the college level, I teach it
during professional development. I teach it just all the time.
And that is what is a positive approach to teach
children about their own behavior? And the reason we're talking
(02:03):
about this is because if I go to people and
I say to them, what are the characteristics of a
positive approach to teaching children about their own behavior? I
get a lot of blank stares back, I don't. People
don't necessarily know what are the characteristics when we say
this is a positive approach. In a prior episode, though
(02:25):
it bears repeating because I have some colleagues who are
consistently asked me for the link to this episode. In
a prior episode, we talked about how saying no thank
you when a child exhibits challenging behavior is not a
positive approach. Yes, it is not. Just because you said
thank you doesn't make it positive, and it's the wrong
use of that phrase. If you're curious about that, find
the episode that talks about how no thank you is
(02:48):
not a positive approach. We want to tell you what
is a positive approach in this episode because so many
people still struggle to define it, and it does have
certain characteristics according to research based organizations and authors and programs.
(03:08):
You know, if you look in websites like conscious Discipline,
Positive Discipline, the pyramid approach, if you look, there's information
about what does make this positive. So we're going to
share some of that with you during this episode today.
And the first one that I want to share and
(03:28):
maybe we'll take turns, but the first one that I
definitely want to make sure everyone knows is that if
we are approaching children who need to either simply learn
about expectations or who have exhibited challenging behavior, we're going
to talk about to them about their behavior and about expectations.
We need to be kind because children learn respect and
(03:53):
kindness from what we do.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Right, Like, if you want to have respectful children, you
need to be respectful of them.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
And we have to respect the fact that we also
make mistakes. Correct right, These children have all behaviors communication.
Let's start with that, all behaviors communication. The children are struggling,
They're doing the best they can in that moment. The
question is why is that their best? What has happened?
So we have to approach this with kindness and understanding.
(04:24):
Their emotions are huge. They have trouble thinking through their emotions.
That's because of brain development, because the thinking centers of
the brain are not fully developed yet. But their ability
to emote, to express big, express big emotions, whether they're
happy or sad, or frustrated or medr that's developed already,
and so that is what they'll do. So we have
(04:46):
to be kind to them and respectful of the fact
that they are human beings who sometimes will do great
things and sometimes will make mistakes. Right, Yes, we need
to be respectful and kind and recognize that they need
our guidance. They're not born knowing any of this. But
a positive approach also provides the children with boundaries. Yes,
(05:09):
I'm sometimes when I teach about behaviors, people think I
go out there and say, don't have boundaries. I would
never say that. Never. The children need to know what
are the expectations and what are the boundaries. So we
are going to respectfully and kindly reinforce boundaries. And those boundaries,
by the way, cannot move. The minute you move a boundary,
(05:32):
it doesn't exist anymore. So if I didn't want you
to do something today, I also can't permit it tomorrow
or the next day. We're going to have a conversation
again when it happens. So kind, respectful, providing boundaries and
encouraging talking to the children in a way where they
know that we know they have potential, right where they
(05:55):
know that I know they are capable. So I'm going
to encourage them to do the right thing. I'm going
to teach it to them in a way that shows
them I know you can do this right, right, you
can do this, and I know it. I have faith
in you, right.
Speaker 4 (06:12):
I feel like believing in children is like the whole
foundation of positive approach, because if you don't believe that
they can do it, then they're going to sense that.
Speaker 3 (06:25):
Haven't you seen people though who work with children who
don't seem to have faith in that? I?
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Yes, yes, And it's it's upsetting for me because I'm like,
if you don't believe that, if you don't believe in them,
then why are you here?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Right?
Speaker 3 (06:43):
So, like we've learned and grow our whole lives.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Whole lives, right, So I don't understand, and like I
feel like just believing in them could give them so
much like strength and power to do so much, you know,
like even like long term where they're like, wow, twenty
years ago, I had this teacher that believed in me and.
Speaker 4 (06:59):
That made all the difference.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
And I think, yeah, people do say that. Foundation of
people do say that, by the way, you know, they do.
Speaker 4 (07:07):
Having one person believe in you can give you so
much like strength and power and confidence.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Sometimes I'll ask college students to write about, like who
is your model of a really good teacher? Yeah? Right?
Speaker 4 (07:18):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (07:18):
And what characteristics did that person have and they'll tell
stories about how this person believed in me.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Right, it usually comes down to that this person believed
in me, yeah, and it was simple as that. Or
like in my classroom, I usually I love like all
the kids like. It's based on love, like I love
you no matter what kind of thing. I believe in you,
no matter what, and not everybody always has that attitude.
I think some teachers go and be like I can
change them, and I'm like, no, I don't want to
change you.
Speaker 4 (07:42):
I love you exactly how you are. We're just gonna
I believe in.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Your capacity to adjust your behavior exactly right. Yes, you
have a capacity.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
You have.
Speaker 3 (07:50):
One of the things we want children to know. And
this is like a little further down the list that
we have that I'm glancing at over to my right,
is that we want children to know we recognize that
they have power, but that power can be used in
good and productive and positive ways, and so we believe
the message we send children is I believe that you
can use your power in really good ways, and you
(08:12):
can make the decision to do that. Yes, okay. Another
characteristic of a positive approach is which one you want
to do.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
Let's do the connection one they need. A connection provides
a sense of belonging and significance.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Children, even though their behavior may be challenging, need to
know I am still your person and this is still
your place. You fully belong here, even when the chips
are down and things went wrong. We're not going to
make you feel like an outsider and other or someone
who is not welcome.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
Right, or that I don't want to be your person
anymore because you made a mistake.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
You know, children know when they're not welcome, and you
may never say it to them, but they know. But
they know if you're feeling like, oh, I like it
better when this child is absent, they know that. So
whenever possible, we want to the children to get a
feeling from us of belonging and that they are significant,
(09:12):
that they matter in this group. Everyone in this group
has a role. Everyone brings value to this group. There
are times when after you need to talk to a
child about their challenging behavior, where you have to reconnect
them to the group, like ask them if they would
like to do something that they're really good at, right,
Like you know, some children are really good at pushing
(09:33):
in the chairs. When everyone's walked away from the table,
and some children are really good at throwing out the garbage.
Give them something that helps the group that they're really
good at, so they see that. We know they bring
importance to the whole because it's.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
A community, right, and we all have an important part
and role in the community. Your classroom is a small community,
so everybody has their role, and when you give them
the confidence to do that role, it makes them be like, oh,
I do still have a space here, and I still
belong here, and this is my bigger community.
Speaker 3 (10:10):
Right. So, so far we've talked about it's kind. It
provides boundaries, It is respectful, and it encourages the children.
It teaches them that they can use their power in
good and meaningful ways. Right. It gives them a sense
that they still belong here. Even though something happened, You
still belong here. This is still your place. I am
still your person. You are important to this whole group,
(10:32):
and you are connected to us. So we need to
provide the children with that sense of connection, which means
we don't send them away from us, We bring them
to us. There is should be no go sit over,
There should be no go to the corner over there
and think about what you've done in calm down, none
of that. None of that, folks, They come to us.
(10:52):
And I feel compelled to say this because it happens.
Every time I talk about this, people say to me, well,
you know, the children will go to the quiet corner
or the cozy corner. That's not what it's for. The
meaning the reason behind having a cozy corner is for
children to self select when they want to play alone.
(11:13):
It has nothing to do with their behavior. It's not
supposed to have to do with their behavior, folks.
Speaker 4 (11:19):
I do think people are sending them there they are.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
When you do that, you are creating disconnection. You are
essentially giving them a timeout, which is not allowed in
most states anymore. Whenever you say go sit over there,
you have disconnected. And now my ability to make them
see I am still your person, You are connected to me,
you are connected to the space, and I value you
is gone gone. Can't do it. And I know that
(11:45):
it is like a kind of gut reaction of people
to say go over there, because that's how we were treated.
That doesn't make it the best thing to do. It
just doesn't. Okay. Another characteristic in addition to all those
is that it teaches life lessons. A positive approach, teaches
(12:06):
them lessons about how we function in a society. It's
a life lesson. Now, that said, some of the social
emotional skills we work on our whole lives. Yes, as
a very full grown adult, I'm still sometimes learning how
to manage my own feelings, how to make friends, how
to keep friends, how to interact with others.
Speaker 4 (12:24):
Me too.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
All of these social emotional skills are something you hone
through a lifetime. Yes, But if I'm approaching what I
need to approach about this class's behavior, this child's behavior,
these two children's behavior in a positive way, I have
in my mind I need to make sure they understand
the overall life lesson.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Right, because I think what we're doing, like we're saying, yeah,
it never kind of ends because look at us, we're
still learning. But like, if you don't give them that
like foundation, they have nothing to build it on, right,
And I think that's why, like people like us who
are adults are still maybe trying to figure it all out.
Because I don't know if when we were kids we
were given the foundation because social emotional wasn't really a
(13:08):
thing back then. Learning about that so and we were
very much like, go in the corner like that. So
I think, now we're playing ketchup a little bit. But
maybe these children don't have to ever play ketchup. Maybe
we can just give them that foundation. They'll be like, Okay,
now I can build.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Right, you know, right, hopefully hopefully.
Speaker 4 (13:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
And finally there's one more on our list.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
OH invites children to discover how capable they are and
to use their personal power in constructive ways.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
We sort of talked about that. I was thinking this one.
Speaker 4 (13:39):
Was thinking, OH teaches valuable social emotional skills.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
Yes, yes, including and like I said, those social emotional
skills we work on for our lifetime. But when we
approach their behavior in a positive way, we are supporting
their understanding of what respect looks like, what it looks
like to have concern for other people. Yeah, problem solving
because we're going to help talk through whatever the problem
and demonstrate for them how do I solve that sort
(14:02):
of problem. It teaches them accountability. It's not that there
won't be consequences necessarily, and we're gonna be held accountable
for what we've done. So it teaches them there's accountability,
even if it's just you're gonna have to have this
conversation with me, right.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
I think accountability goes to honesty too, Like you want
to teach them to be honest.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
Honest, and accountable. It teaches them about the fact that
we all contribute to every group that we're in, and
that you need to be a contributing member of a group.
And it teaches them cooperation because ultimately, when we're trying
to get children to take turns, when we're trying to
get children to move over and make space for someone,
when we have to talk to children about not pushing, shoving, hitting, biting,
(14:45):
then we're teaching them that as a group, we all
need to come together and cooperate. So if you take
a look at all these characteristics, what does that look like? Right,
here's what it looks like in a classroom, a child
has hit another child, I am going to connect with
that child and bring them to me, no matter where
I am. I'm gonna like pull up a chair and
(15:06):
go come and sit by me. You need to sit
by me. Now. You may need to help that child
calm down, and then you have to wait till they're
calm and help them calm down and wait till they're calm,
and once they're calm, I'm going to say to that child,
you know something like when we hit it hurts other
people's skin. They have to learn that.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Other people people feel something right to do something, that
your actions have impact.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
Impact, Your actions have impact, but in a respectful way.
I'm going to say, when you hit him or her
that hurts their skin, what was the problem. I have
to teach problems about why did you hit? What was
the problem? And sometimes when you say what was the problem,
children just say their emotion yes right, yes, they say
I'm mad. You have to get down to why are
(15:56):
you mad? What can we do about that? Next time
you're mad instead of hitting? What can we do? And
how can we now make this person who's mad at
you for hitting or sad that you hit them, how
can we make them feel better? So it's you're gonna
come to me, We're gonna talk about the impact of
your action. We're going to talk about what we can
do next time instead, and we're going to try and
help the victim feel better. Yes, you though, if there's
(16:19):
a victim, if someone's hurt, you attend to the victim
first and then have this conversation. But I bring the
child to me and the victim, and I attend to
the victim and then turn and say, well, that hurt
his skin. Right. Sometimes we have to jump in, like
in a fury. Someone's getting hurt and we have to
(16:40):
make a quick motion or say their names loudly. Yeah,
but then you need to bring your own feelings down,
do you, you know, start to regulate your own You
need to self regulate, folks. Take a deep breath and
speak to these children calmly, because that's how they're gonna
hear you punishment, which so many of us experienced as children.
(17:02):
It may stamp out behavior in the moment, but it
is not teaching. It is not often a long term solution.
It is not teaching the life lesson the social emotional skills.
It's just trying to stamp it out. And the reason
that it doesn't work very often in the long term
is children will just learn, oh, I can't get the
thing I want that way, I'll just try another.
Speaker 4 (17:21):
Way, or I won't get caught.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
Right, I'm going to attempt to not get caught next time.
It's why teenagers who are grounded climb out of windows.
I'm just going to attempt to not get caught going
to that party, right, and they learn that sort of
not system thinking, that way of thinking of I'm not
going to get caught. They start learning it at very
young ages, including those infants, those mobile infants who crawl
(17:47):
away from you, did something that you don't want them
to do, and then they try to get another way. Yep, yeah,
just saying.
Speaker 4 (17:54):
Yeah, all right.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
I hope that helps to clear up for everybody. What
are the characteristics of a positive approach? And if you
have any comments or questions, you can reach us through
our website howpreschool Teachers do It dot com, or you
can go to YouTube, or we have a QR code
by Allison's head where she's moving out of the way.
You can hold up your camera on your mobile device
(18:17):
and you can go to where there are links to
all of our work. If you think of a link
that should be at that QR code but you don't
see it, or you would love to have it, please
let us know. Contact us either through face, our Facebook page,
through Messenger, or through our website. Okay, preschool peeps, catch
you next time. By peeps
Welcome to How Preschool Teachers Do It. This is Alison Kentos.
I am an early childhood educator. And this is Cindy
terror Bush. I am an early childhood consultant.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
This podcast is for parents and early childhood professionals.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Let our experience and research based knowledge become your guide.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Hello preschool peeps, we welcome you back.
Speaker 4 (00:26):
Happy Monday.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
Why are we saying sing song y?
Speaker 4 (00:30):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
I don't know either. We're going to cut that out too.
We're going to cut that out, are you though? I
am no, I am. We're going to We're going to
give a shout out to a couple of places where
people are listening to this podcast.
Speaker 4 (00:42):
Yes, and one of those places is Dubai.
Speaker 3 (00:44):
That's really cool. I know, that's really great. I would
love to see Dubai someday. Me too.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
And Shreveport, Louisiana.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Have you been to Louisiana? I have not meant to.
I mean too, me too.
Speaker 4 (00:58):
Food would be amazing.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
I've heard good things about the food. Yeah. I think
that there was a professional conference that was going to
take place there, but then there was pandemic and so
no Louisiana.
Speaker 4 (01:08):
I also just imagine it being very festive.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
And I don't know if it's cool New Orleans, but yeah,
I feel like that's a very like first off.
Speaker 4 (01:17):
Like a historical town and just I don't know. I
just think it would be.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Cool to explore. It would be cool to explore. I
have a cousin who loves Marty Gras, But for me,
I think it would.
Speaker 4 (01:26):
Be a lot me and my introvertedness.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
But I would love to see the place, yeah, or
maybe like see that from like a distance, if I
could maybe just to see like, oh, that's what people do.
Speaker 4 (01:38):
Okay, I'm going back to bed, but it would be cool.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
It would be cool. Okay, so we've established maybe maybe
today we're going to talk about something that means a
whole lot to me because I teach it all the time.
I teach it on the college level, I teach it
during professional development. I teach it just all the time.
And that is what is a positive approach to teach
children about their own behavior? And the reason we're talking
(02:03):
about this is because if I go to people and
I say to them, what are the characteristics of a
positive approach to teaching children about their own behavior? I
get a lot of blank stares back, I don't. People
don't necessarily know what are the characteristics when we say
this is a positive approach. In a prior episode, though
(02:25):
it bears repeating because I have some colleagues who are
consistently asked me for the link to this episode. In
a prior episode, we talked about how saying no thank
you when a child exhibits challenging behavior is not a
positive approach. Yes, it is not. Just because you said
thank you doesn't make it positive, and it's the wrong
use of that phrase. If you're curious about that, find
the episode that talks about how no thank you is
(02:48):
not a positive approach. We want to tell you what
is a positive approach in this episode because so many
people still struggle to define it, and it does have
certain characteristics according to research based organizations and authors and programs.
(03:08):
You know, if you look in websites like conscious Discipline,
Positive Discipline, the pyramid approach, if you look, there's information
about what does make this positive. So we're going to
share some of that with you during this episode today.
And the first one that I want to share and
(03:28):
maybe we'll take turns, but the first one that I
definitely want to make sure everyone knows is that if
we are approaching children who need to either simply learn
about expectations or who have exhibited challenging behavior, we're going
to talk about to them about their behavior and about expectations.
We need to be kind because children learn respect and
(03:53):
kindness from what we do.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Right, Like, if you want to have respectful children, you
need to be respectful of them.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
And we have to respect the fact that we also
make mistakes. Correct right, These children have all behaviors communication.
Let's start with that, all behaviors communication. The children are struggling,
They're doing the best they can in that moment. The
question is why is that their best? What has happened?
So we have to approach this with kindness and understanding.
(04:24):
Their emotions are huge. They have trouble thinking through their emotions.
That's because of brain development, because the thinking centers of
the brain are not fully developed yet. But their ability
to emote, to express big, express big emotions, whether they're
happy or sad, or frustrated or medr that's developed already,
and so that is what they'll do. So we have
(04:46):
to be kind to them and respectful of the fact
that they are human beings who sometimes will do great
things and sometimes will make mistakes. Right, Yes, we need
to be respectful and kind and recognize that they need
our guidance. They're not born knowing any of this. But
a positive approach also provides the children with boundaries. Yes,
(05:09):
I'm sometimes when I teach about behaviors, people think I
go out there and say, don't have boundaries. I would
never say that. Never. The children need to know what
are the expectations and what are the boundaries. So we
are going to respectfully and kindly reinforce boundaries. And those boundaries,
by the way, cannot move. The minute you move a boundary,
(05:32):
it doesn't exist anymore. So if I didn't want you
to do something today, I also can't permit it tomorrow
or the next day. We're going to have a conversation
again when it happens. So kind, respectful, providing boundaries and
encouraging talking to the children in a way where they
know that we know they have potential, right where they
(05:55):
know that I know they are capable. So I'm going
to encourage them to do the right thing. I'm going
to teach it to them in a way that shows
them I know you can do this right, right, you
can do this, and I know it. I have faith
in you, right.
Speaker 4 (06:12):
I feel like believing in children is like the whole
foundation of positive approach, because if you don't believe that
they can do it, then they're going to sense that.
Speaker 3 (06:25):
Haven't you seen people though who work with children who
don't seem to have faith in that? I?
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Yes, yes, And it's it's upsetting for me because I'm like,
if you don't believe that, if you don't believe in them,
then why are you here?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Right?
Speaker 3 (06:43):
So, like we've learned and grow our whole lives.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Whole lives, right, So I don't understand, and like I
feel like just believing in them could give them so
much like strength and power to do so much, you know,
like even like long term where they're like, wow, twenty
years ago, I had this teacher that believed in me and.
Speaker 4 (06:59):
That made all the difference.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
And I think, yeah, people do say that. Foundation of
people do say that, by the way, you know, they do.
Speaker 4 (07:07):
Having one person believe in you can give you so
much like strength and power and confidence.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Sometimes I'll ask college students to write about, like who
is your model of a really good teacher? Yeah? Right?
Speaker 4 (07:18):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (07:18):
And what characteristics did that person have and they'll tell
stories about how this person believed in me.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Right, it usually comes down to that this person believed
in me, yeah, and it was simple as that. Or
like in my classroom, I usually I love like all
the kids like. It's based on love, like I love
you no matter what kind of thing. I believe in you,
no matter what, and not everybody always has that attitude.
I think some teachers go and be like I can
change them, and I'm like, no, I don't want to
change you.
Speaker 4 (07:42):
I love you exactly how you are. We're just gonna
I believe in.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Your capacity to adjust your behavior exactly right. Yes, you
have a capacity.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
You have.
Speaker 3 (07:50):
One of the things we want children to know. And
this is like a little further down the list that
we have that I'm glancing at over to my right,
is that we want children to know we recognize that
they have power, but that power can be used in
good and productive and positive ways, and so we believe
the message we send children is I believe that you
can use your power in really good ways, and you
(08:12):
can make the decision to do that. Yes, okay. Another
characteristic of a positive approach is which one you want
to do.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
Let's do the connection one they need. A connection provides
a sense of belonging and significance.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Children, even though their behavior may be challenging, need to
know I am still your person and this is still
your place. You fully belong here, even when the chips
are down and things went wrong. We're not going to
make you feel like an outsider and other or someone
who is not welcome.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
Right, or that I don't want to be your person
anymore because you made a mistake.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
You know, children know when they're not welcome, and you
may never say it to them, but they know. But
they know if you're feeling like, oh, I like it
better when this child is absent, they know that. So
whenever possible, we want to the children to get a
feeling from us of belonging and that they are significant,
(09:12):
that they matter in this group. Everyone in this group
has a role. Everyone brings value to this group. There
are times when after you need to talk to a
child about their challenging behavior, where you have to reconnect
them to the group, like ask them if they would
like to do something that they're really good at, right,
Like you know, some children are really good at pushing
(09:33):
in the chairs. When everyone's walked away from the table,
and some children are really good at throwing out the garbage.
Give them something that helps the group that they're really
good at, so they see that. We know they bring
importance to the whole because it's.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
A community, right, and we all have an important part
and role in the community. Your classroom is a small community,
so everybody has their role, and when you give them
the confidence to do that role, it makes them be like, oh,
I do still have a space here, and I still
belong here, and this is my bigger community.
Speaker 3 (10:10):
Right. So, so far we've talked about it's kind. It
provides boundaries, It is respectful, and it encourages the children.
It teaches them that they can use their power in
good and meaningful ways. Right. It gives them a sense
that they still belong here. Even though something happened, You
still belong here. This is still your place. I am
still your person. You are important to this whole group,
(10:32):
and you are connected to us. So we need to
provide the children with that sense of connection, which means
we don't send them away from us, We bring them
to us. There is should be no go sit over,
There should be no go to the corner over there
and think about what you've done in calm down, none
of that. None of that, folks, They come to us.
(10:52):
And I feel compelled to say this because it happens.
Every time I talk about this, people say to me, well,
you know, the children will go to the quiet corner
or the cozy corner. That's not what it's for. The
meaning the reason behind having a cozy corner is for
children to self select when they want to play alone.
(11:13):
It has nothing to do with their behavior. It's not
supposed to have to do with their behavior, folks.
Speaker 4 (11:19):
I do think people are sending them there they are.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
When you do that, you are creating disconnection. You are
essentially giving them a timeout, which is not allowed in
most states anymore. Whenever you say go sit over there,
you have disconnected. And now my ability to make them
see I am still your person, You are connected to me,
you are connected to the space, and I value you
is gone gone. Can't do it. And I know that
(11:45):
it is like a kind of gut reaction of people
to say go over there, because that's how we were treated.
That doesn't make it the best thing to do. It
just doesn't. Okay. Another characteristic in addition to all those
is that it teaches life lessons. A positive approach, teaches
(12:06):
them lessons about how we function in a society. It's
a life lesson. Now, that said, some of the social
emotional skills we work on our whole lives. Yes, as
a very full grown adult, I'm still sometimes learning how
to manage my own feelings, how to make friends, how
to keep friends, how to interact with others.
Speaker 4 (12:24):
Me too.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
All of these social emotional skills are something you hone
through a lifetime. Yes, But if I'm approaching what I
need to approach about this class's behavior, this child's behavior,
these two children's behavior in a positive way, I have
in my mind I need to make sure they understand
the overall life lesson.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Right, because I think what we're doing, like we're saying, yeah,
it never kind of ends because look at us, we're
still learning. But like, if you don't give them that
like foundation, they have nothing to build it on, right,
And I think that's why, like people like us who
are adults are still maybe trying to figure it all out.
Because I don't know if when we were kids we
were given the foundation because social emotional wasn't really a
(13:08):
thing back then. Learning about that so and we were
very much like, go in the corner like that. So
I think, now we're playing ketchup a little bit. But
maybe these children don't have to ever play ketchup. Maybe
we can just give them that foundation. They'll be like, Okay,
now I can build.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Right, you know, right, hopefully hopefully.
Speaker 4 (13:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
And finally there's one more on our list.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
OH invites children to discover how capable they are and
to use their personal power in constructive ways.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
We sort of talked about that. I was thinking this one.
Speaker 4 (13:39):
Was thinking, OH teaches valuable social emotional skills.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
Yes, yes, including and like I said, those social emotional
skills we work on for our lifetime. But when we
approach their behavior in a positive way, we are supporting
their understanding of what respect looks like, what it looks
like to have concern for other people. Yeah, problem solving
because we're going to help talk through whatever the problem
and demonstrate for them how do I solve that sort
(14:02):
of problem. It teaches them accountability. It's not that there
won't be consequences necessarily, and we're gonna be held accountable
for what we've done. So it teaches them there's accountability,
even if it's just you're gonna have to have this
conversation with me, right.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
I think accountability goes to honesty too, Like you want
to teach them to be honest.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
Honest, and accountable. It teaches them about the fact that
we all contribute to every group that we're in, and
that you need to be a contributing member of a group.
And it teaches them cooperation because ultimately, when we're trying
to get children to take turns, when we're trying to
get children to move over and make space for someone,
when we have to talk to children about not pushing, shoving, hitting, biting,
(14:45):
then we're teaching them that as a group, we all
need to come together and cooperate. So if you take
a look at all these characteristics, what does that look like? Right,
here's what it looks like in a classroom, a child
has hit another child, I am going to connect with
that child and bring them to me, no matter where
I am. I'm gonna like pull up a chair and
(15:06):
go come and sit by me. You need to sit
by me. Now. You may need to help that child
calm down, and then you have to wait till they're
calm and help them calm down and wait till they're calm,
and once they're calm, I'm going to say to that child,
you know something like when we hit it hurts other
people's skin. They have to learn that.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Other people people feel something right to do something, that
your actions have impact.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
Impact, Your actions have impact, but in a respectful way.
I'm going to say, when you hit him or her
that hurts their skin, what was the problem. I have
to teach problems about why did you hit? What was
the problem? And sometimes when you say what was the problem,
children just say their emotion yes right, yes, they say
I'm mad. You have to get down to why are
(15:56):
you mad? What can we do about that? Next time
you're mad instead of hitting? What can we do? And
how can we now make this person who's mad at
you for hitting or sad that you hit them, how
can we make them feel better? So it's you're gonna
come to me, We're gonna talk about the impact of
your action. We're going to talk about what we can
do next time instead, and we're going to try and
help the victim feel better. Yes, you though, if there's
(16:19):
a victim, if someone's hurt, you attend to the victim
first and then have this conversation. But I bring the
child to me and the victim, and I attend to
the victim and then turn and say, well, that hurt
his skin. Right. Sometimes we have to jump in, like
in a fury. Someone's getting hurt and we have to
(16:40):
make a quick motion or say their names loudly. Yeah,
but then you need to bring your own feelings down,
do you, you know, start to regulate your own You
need to self regulate, folks. Take a deep breath and
speak to these children calmly, because that's how they're gonna
hear you punishment, which so many of us experienced as children.
(17:02):
It may stamp out behavior in the moment, but it
is not teaching. It is not often a long term solution.
It is not teaching the life lesson the social emotional skills.
It's just trying to stamp it out. And the reason
that it doesn't work very often in the long term
is children will just learn, oh, I can't get the
thing I want that way, I'll just try another.
Speaker 4 (17:21):
Way, or I won't get caught.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
Right, I'm going to attempt to not get caught next time.
It's why teenagers who are grounded climb out of windows.
I'm just going to attempt to not get caught going
to that party, right, and they learn that sort of
not system thinking, that way of thinking of I'm not
going to get caught. They start learning it at very
young ages, including those infants, those mobile infants who crawl
(17:47):
away from you, did something that you don't want them
to do, and then they try to get another way. Yep, yeah,
just saying.
Speaker 4 (17:54):
Yeah, all right.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
I hope that helps to clear up for everybody. What
are the characteristics of a positive approach? And if you
have any comments or questions, you can reach us through
our website howpreschool Teachers do It dot com, or you
can go to YouTube, or we have a QR code
by Allison's head where she's moving out of the way.
You can hold up your camera on your mobile device
(18:17):
and you can go to where there are links to
all of our work. If you think of a link
that should be at that QR code but you don't
see it, or you would love to have it, please
let us know. Contact us either through face, our Facebook page,
through Messenger, or through our website. Okay, preschool peeps, catch
you next time. By peeps
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