October 6, 2025 • 16 mins
In this episode of "How Preschool Teachers Do It," Cindy and Alison discuss the difference between guilt and shame, inspired by a quote from a TV show. Join us to consider how these emotions affect children in different ways and how we can ensure they know they are enough.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to How Preschool Teachers Do It.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I'm Cindy, I'm Allison, and we have a combined fifty
five years of experience working with children, families, and experts
in early education.
Speaker 3 (00:11):
We are not random influence. No, we are not.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Whether you are new or have been our podcast peep
since twenty eighteen, we are thrilled you found us. Happy Monday,
preschool peeps, Hip Peep, welcome back to the podcast. We
have kind of a serious topic today, but before we
get to that, Allison wants to acknowledge some people and
(00:38):
places who are part of our preschool peeps listening to us,
and we're so happy to have you, so go ahead.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Hey, we are shouting out Chile today, So hi to
everyone there and to everybody in Worcester, Massachusetts.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
And the people in Worcester right now are very impressed
that we pronounced it correctly because we're not from Massachusetts,
but I've been to Worcester, been to Worster, right so
we know, we know, we know the deal, we know hm,
and we're very proud to pronounce it correctly for the
people in Worcester who are or watching either on watching
on YouTube or listening to the podcast.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
So welcome and we're glad.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
To have you, and we hope, as we always say
on this podcast, tell your friends and neighbors to come
on and listen to us. And if you have never
gone to YouTube and seen us, I have a request.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Please go to YouTube.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Look up how preschool teachers do it podcast, subscribe, start
an episode, watch.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
An episode maybe, and like it.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
And that helps our algorithms a lot. So thank you
for doing that, everybody who's done it already. But today,
like I said, kind of a serious topic, we're here
joking on it.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
That's how I'm choking. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
We're here to talk about the words guilt and shame.
I was watching a TV show recently. Allison reminded me,
I got it from a TV show. I forgot even
but I was watching a TV show recently and they talked.
One of the characters was talking about the difference between
guilt and shame, and I thought that the definitions were
very interesting and that they speak to our work and
(02:11):
raising of young children and some of.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
And a theory that even we have related to that.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
But as soon as they said it, I like paused
my TV and sent it to Allison and said this
has to be on the list. So here's the quote
from a TV show, not a current TV show, but
at any rate, great quote.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
They said, I don't know, we're messed to it.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
They said, here's the difference. Guilt is the feeling of
doing something wrong. Shame is the feeling of being something wrong.
And when I heard that, I thought, you know, we
talk often about ensuring that children know that we value
(02:55):
their thoughts, their wishes, their feelings, and that if they
make a.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
Mistake, we just help them learn another way and we
don't make them feel guilty.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
And I've also said when I teach that we're not
going to shame children. I'm not sure, or families for
that matter.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
But I'm not.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Sure if I really thought about that distinction between guilt
being a feeling of doing something wrong and shame being
a feeling of being something wrong. Perhaps we can all
think of times in our lives where we felt like, Okay,
I've done something wrong, but other times where we felt
like there's something wrong with me.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Right, I think the difference for me in that quote
is guilt, because if it's from doing something wrong, that's
something that's maybe more temporary that feeling guilty.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Is more. I think it's.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Temporary maybe, where shame is something like permanent and built
inside of you that you can carry. I mean, I
don't know. I think you're right for a long time too,
but like there's something different about it.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
I think you're I think you're onto something. Yeah, I
think you're right. I think guilt might be more temporary.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
I think guilt is also easier to resolve. Yeah, that's
the word I'm looking for, like more because it's more personal,
it's more.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Yeah, and it's like in you and if if that's
who you are as a being, and you're feeling shameful
for who you are, yeah, that's that's and you can't
change who you are necessarily, So like that's deep, that's
deep in there where guilt is like, Okay, I can
change what I am doing, or I could maybe ask
(04:39):
forgiveness for that mistake or learn from that mistake, and
then the guilt will maybe chip away. Yeah, but shame
maybe maybe you can't chip away at it because it's
who you are as.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
A being well a mistake.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
If you're saying, well, I did something wrong, you can
I think you can less emotionally think.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
About, yes, why was that wrong? How did that go wrong?
What was my thinking? Okay, next time, I'm not going
to do that. Where shame. It's so personal.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
It's about who I am as a human being, and
I think that we don't always think about that. I
think sometimes our actions with children don't always communicate. Yes,
I think often they don't communicate what we want to communicate.
But I also think we don't take this into consideration.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
And it reminds me.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
I said something about theory when I was introducing the topic.
It reminds me of the theory from Eric Erickson called
the psychosocial stages of development, And very basically, Eric Erickson
studied psychological and social development, and he outlined, for a
whole lifetime, not even just for early childhood, for a
(05:41):
whole lifetime, what are the two polar opposites that we
struggle with in our psychological and social well being? And
if it resolves more positively, then you get to move
on to the next stage and you develop a part
of your personality.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
That's basically Ericson's theory.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
So, for example, if we're talking about children ages birth
to one, they struggle with trust versus mistrust. If they
experience more trust, said Eric Erickson, then mistrust, and they
will all experience both, by.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
The way, because they're humans and we're human.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
So if they experience more trust instead of mistrust, they
develop hope, and it's basically hope that they'll survive this world.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Right.
Speaker 3 (06:20):
The next stage is ages.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
I believe it's one to three in Ericson's theory, and
it's called autonomy versus shame and doubt. And isn't it
interesting that it's not called autonomy, which means independence, autonomy
versus guilt and doubt.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
It's not called that, it's shame in doubt.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Yeah, And I thought that's significant because if shame is
I think there's something wrong with me as a person,
Then what is the message we're sending to children when
we don't value their independence, when we don't teach them
how valuable their independence is. When we take those children
who are able to walk and carry them all the time,
(06:58):
they learn not necessarily well, I don't walk well enough.
They learn I am not good enough, not enough, I'm
not enough?
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Is the message?
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Right?
Speaker 2 (07:08):
And even in Ericson's work, I think he says the
primary question for that age group is am I enough?
Speaker 3 (07:13):
Am I enough?
Speaker 2 (07:14):
So he understood the difference between guilt and shame because
he didn't call it guilt. He didn't he called it shame.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
I find it interesting that he paired together shame with doubt,
Like it's not just like autonomy versus shame or autonomy
versus doubt. It's shame and doubt.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Because if you're feeling shame, this is how I'm seeing it.
Because if you're feeling shame and you feel like again,
the definition is the feeling of.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Being something wrong. Right.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
If you think you are something wrong, then you are
going to doubt yourself and your abilities.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
And your abilities. But I also think you're going to
doubt others because they never believed in you.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
Well.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
The part of the personality that Erickson says is developed
if you experience more pride in your independence and autonomy
is will, which is the will to try and do
new things, really, the will to put yourself out there,
try and do new things. So we have to be
super careful about children who are expressing their independence in
(08:15):
ways that adults may find less than palatable. Right children
express young children especially express their independence by doing things
like looking at us and saying no, sitting down when
we tell them to stand standing when we tell them
to sit. They express their independence by wanting to explore
(08:38):
the environment on their own, So we have to have
them in those safe environments where they can explore on
their own. They show their independence by things even like
I said, as simple as I am capable of walking
right now, so I want to walk, and if you
scoop me up and carry me everywhere, what I learn
is I'm not good enough that I'm not capable. I'm
not capable of person.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
You don't believe I am capable of doing it, So
why would I believe that I can do it?
Speaker 3 (09:03):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (09:04):
You know, I think about even something as simple as
putting on a coat. Children struggle with putting their coats on,
and it does. They often can manage it eventually, but
it takes adult patience and time. So if we don't
often enough give them that time and that patience, what
am I teaching them? I'm teaching them shame, said Erickson.
I'm teaching them the feeling of being something wrong. It
(09:27):
is such a serious thing, you know, and maybe in
some ways every human being can relate to moments in
their lives where they felt like something wrong.
Speaker 3 (09:37):
Well, yeah, right, I feel like there's.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Something wrong, yeah, like in something wrong about me, about
me right when really we will.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
The message we want children to get is you are
You are wonderful enough just as you are. Yes, you
are enough the way you are. Absolutely mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
There's a saying in in the I know some of
you have heard me mention this before the lifestyle kind
of weight management program that I'm a part of that
they say all the time, and I really love it.
They talk about how there's no such thing as perfection,
and they say all the time, you are perfect with
your imperfections. That's perfection. There's no such thing as the
(10:20):
sort of perfection we picture, right, it doesn't exist. You
are perfect with your imperfections. Yeah, And I think children
need to get that message. They need to know you
are perfect with your imperfections. We love you the way
you are. Our love is unconditional, Our value of you
is unconditional, Our respect for you is unconditional. So it
(10:40):
you know, often when children are exhibiting behaviors that challenge adults,
or you know, they're just they're being children. They're just
being children. It's the adults who need to think about
their behavior, not so much the children. And we need
to have the capacity to take a deep breath to
realize every every single interaction that I have with a
(11:02):
child gives them a message about themselves.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
It isn't only.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
I'm trying to get you to behave this way, or
I'm trying to get you to do this thing, or
I need you to do X, y Z. Every single
interaction I have with you impacts how you view yourself. Yes,
and I mean every single interaction. When we acknowledge their
efforts and the good that they do, it teaches them
something about who they are. The feeling, it's the feeling
(11:29):
of being good and right and valued. Right. Yes, when
I have to talk to them about their behavior, it
teaches them something about who they are. When I do
it kindly and with respect, it teaches them something about
who they are, because they're worthy of respect and kindness,
regardless of the fact that they made a mistake. I
was recently talking to someone who was we were talking
(11:51):
about outdated ways to speak with children, and I was saying, Yeah,
that sends terrible messages to the children. And I was
talking about that and we really as a society need
to recognize what are the outdated ways to speak with
children and recognize in ourselves, the thoughts in our heads
(12:17):
that we carry, the messages that we carry, and the
times that we doubt ourselves. There are things that we
doubt and times that we doubt ourselves, and things we
doubt about ourselves that stem back to our early childhoods.
Speaker 3 (12:30):
They just do.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
It's the messages we got because of people making us unintentionally.
Perhaps there was no intention, but they didn't know better,
and so the things that were done and said with
some people made them feel like they are something wrong.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
Well, because the things that other people have said when
we were children.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
We've discussed this on here before.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Because you are inner dialogue, and when you're a child
and you don't have any other adults in your life,
and the only adults that are telling you are these
negative things that make you doubt, then you start to
think like that must be true because there's my trust
adult and that's what they think, and then it stays
with you forever. Feel it's very hard to get over,
(13:13):
and I know that from experience. It takes a lot
of work to get that inner dialogue to flip, you know,
So because the early childhood years, it really those are
the things that stick with you for very, very long,
because you're growing and you're developing, and you're growing with that.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Right, you know, I want you to think about folks.
If you're raising children, just look at them and think,
do I want you to ever feel like you are
something wrong?
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Right?
Speaker 2 (13:41):
And if you are teaching young children, I want you
to take take a moment, take a deep breath. I
know it's busy in that space, but take a deep breath.
Look at these children and think, is the message about
you that you get from me and the time that
we know each other?
Speaker 3 (13:56):
What is the message? Do I want that message to
be you are some thing wrong?
Speaker 2 (14:00):
And I never want it to be that, no matter
how much their behavior challenges me, I want them to
leave my space with better messages than that about who
they are and how they're going to walk through this world.
Because it takes years and years of therapy to decade trust.
Speaker 3 (14:18):
Me of therapy to unravel that nonsense.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Yes, so I hope that you'll think about the different
the difference, you know, and guilt isn't great either. By
the way, guilt isn't great. We don't need to guilt people.
We don't need to be passive, aggressive and guilt people
I think.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
That often children, through things that we say, some things
when they when they make a mistake, are made to
feel guilty about their mistakes and their children they're going
to make mistakes where adults do. We make mistakes, like
there's no need to be making them.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
But if you help someone or you offer help to
someone and then you bring it up and throw it
in their face, that's guilt.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
That's guilt, right. Yes, it's something that I learned.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
I had a fractured ankle, and it's really something that
I learned because I don't like to ask for help
because I'm always concerned that it's going to somehow come
back to me in a negative way.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
And it's it's, you know, just part of me.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Also, doesn't that kind of come with like I'm.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Not I'm I'm not worthy of the help enough worthy?
It does, it does, and ask.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
For the help. I just need to do this myself
because you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (15:19):
So it does kind of good, it does this topic.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
But I learned a great lesson about that that's not
always true, that it doesn't always come back at you,
that people do things for good reasons, and pray and.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
The people that love you love you.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
So let's not let these children be my age when
they learn that.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
Yeah right, Let's let them be younger and walk through
their whole lives knowing you are not something wrong, and
if you do something wrong, you can just think about
that and correct.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
It's okay, it's.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Okay, and we'll help you. Yeah, okay, preschool peeps. So
let's see what do we want to say before we
let the people go. Let's let my people.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
Go to hear that. Oh gosh, stop in there. No,
I'm not I'm good. I won't to wurch it.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Okay, only four year olds think I have a good
singing voice.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
So Alison, who told you that that made you feel
like you weren't good enough at singing? See ties to
the topic.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
Probably multiple people.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
So Allison is going to move her head so that
on YouTube you can see the QR code that takes
you to our Facebook page for this podcast, the website
for this podcast, and other many things, several many things,
as my son Michael would say.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
All the good stuff, several many things. And we will
catch you next time on the podcast. Preschool Peeps. Bye peeps,
Welcome to How Preschool Teachers Do It.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I'm Cindy, I'm Allison, and we have a combined fifty
five years of experience working with children, families, and experts
in early education.
Speaker 3 (00:11):
We are not random influence. No, we are not.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Whether you are new or have been our podcast peep
since twenty eighteen, we are thrilled you found us. Happy Monday,
preschool peeps, Hip Peep, welcome back to the podcast. We
have kind of a serious topic today, but before we
get to that, Allison wants to acknowledge some people and
(00:38):
places who are part of our preschool peeps listening to us,
and we're so happy to have you, so go ahead.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Hey, we are shouting out Chile today, So hi to
everyone there and to everybody in Worcester, Massachusetts.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
And the people in Worcester right now are very impressed
that we pronounced it correctly because we're not from Massachusetts,
but I've been to Worcester, been to Worster, right so
we know, we know, we know the deal, we know hm,
and we're very proud to pronounce it correctly for the
people in Worcester who are or watching either on watching
on YouTube or listening to the podcast.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
So welcome and we're glad.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
To have you, and we hope, as we always say
on this podcast, tell your friends and neighbors to come
on and listen to us. And if you have never
gone to YouTube and seen us, I have a request.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Please go to YouTube.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Look up how preschool teachers do it podcast, subscribe, start
an episode, watch.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
An episode maybe, and like it.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
And that helps our algorithms a lot. So thank you
for doing that, everybody who's done it already. But today,
like I said, kind of a serious topic, we're here
joking on it.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
That's how I'm choking. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
We're here to talk about the words guilt and shame.
I was watching a TV show recently. Allison reminded me,
I got it from a TV show. I forgot even
but I was watching a TV show recently and they talked.
One of the characters was talking about the difference between
guilt and shame, and I thought that the definitions were
very interesting and that they speak to our work and
(02:11):
raising of young children and some of.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
And a theory that even we have related to that.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
But as soon as they said it, I like paused
my TV and sent it to Allison and said this
has to be on the list. So here's the quote
from a TV show, not a current TV show, but
at any rate, great quote.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
They said, I don't know, we're messed to it.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
They said, here's the difference. Guilt is the feeling of
doing something wrong. Shame is the feeling of being something wrong.
And when I heard that, I thought, you know, we
talk often about ensuring that children know that we value
(02:55):
their thoughts, their wishes, their feelings, and that if they
make a.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
Mistake, we just help them learn another way and we
don't make them feel guilty.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
And I've also said when I teach that we're not
going to shame children. I'm not sure, or families for
that matter.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
But I'm not.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Sure if I really thought about that distinction between guilt
being a feeling of doing something wrong and shame being
a feeling of being something wrong. Perhaps we can all
think of times in our lives where we felt like, Okay,
I've done something wrong, but other times where we felt
like there's something wrong with me.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Right, I think the difference for me in that quote
is guilt, because if it's from doing something wrong, that's
something that's maybe more temporary that feeling guilty.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Is more. I think it's.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Temporary maybe, where shame is something like permanent and built
inside of you that you can carry. I mean, I
don't know. I think you're right for a long time too,
but like there's something different about it.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
I think you're I think you're onto something. Yeah, I
think you're right. I think guilt might be more temporary.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
I think guilt is also easier to resolve. Yeah, that's
the word I'm looking for, like more because it's more personal,
it's more.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Yeah, and it's like in you and if if that's
who you are as a being, and you're feeling shameful
for who you are, yeah, that's that's and you can't
change who you are necessarily, So like that's deep, that's
deep in there where guilt is like, Okay, I can
change what I am doing, or I could maybe ask
(04:39):
forgiveness for that mistake or learn from that mistake, and
then the guilt will maybe chip away. Yeah, but shame
maybe maybe you can't chip away at it because it's
who you are as.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
A being well a mistake.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
If you're saying, well, I did something wrong, you can
I think you can less emotionally think.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
About, yes, why was that wrong? How did that go wrong?
What was my thinking? Okay, next time, I'm not going
to do that. Where shame. It's so personal.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
It's about who I am as a human being, and
I think that we don't always think about that. I
think sometimes our actions with children don't always communicate. Yes,
I think often they don't communicate what we want to communicate.
But I also think we don't take this into consideration.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
And it reminds me.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
I said something about theory when I was introducing the topic.
It reminds me of the theory from Eric Erickson called
the psychosocial stages of development, And very basically, Eric Erickson
studied psychological and social development, and he outlined, for a
whole lifetime, not even just for early childhood, for a
(05:41):
whole lifetime, what are the two polar opposites that we
struggle with in our psychological and social well being? And
if it resolves more positively, then you get to move
on to the next stage and you develop a part
of your personality.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
That's basically Ericson's theory.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
So, for example, if we're talking about children ages birth
to one, they struggle with trust versus mistrust. If they
experience more trust, said Eric Erickson, then mistrust, and they
will all experience both, by.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
The way, because they're humans and we're human.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
So if they experience more trust instead of mistrust, they
develop hope, and it's basically hope that they'll survive this world.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Right.
Speaker 3 (06:20):
The next stage is ages.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
I believe it's one to three in Ericson's theory, and
it's called autonomy versus shame and doubt. And isn't it
interesting that it's not called autonomy, which means independence, autonomy
versus guilt and doubt.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
It's not called that, it's shame in doubt.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Yeah, And I thought that's significant because if shame is
I think there's something wrong with me as a person,
Then what is the message we're sending to children when
we don't value their independence, when we don't teach them
how valuable their independence is. When we take those children
who are able to walk and carry them all the time,
(06:58):
they learn not necessarily well, I don't walk well enough.
They learn I am not good enough, not enough, I'm
not enough?
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Is the message?
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Right?
Speaker 2 (07:08):
And even in Ericson's work, I think he says the
primary question for that age group is am I enough?
Speaker 3 (07:13):
Am I enough?
Speaker 2 (07:14):
So he understood the difference between guilt and shame because
he didn't call it guilt. He didn't he called it shame.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
I find it interesting that he paired together shame with doubt,
Like it's not just like autonomy versus shame or autonomy
versus doubt. It's shame and doubt.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Because if you're feeling shame, this is how I'm seeing it.
Because if you're feeling shame and you feel like again,
the definition is the feeling of.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Being something wrong. Right.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
If you think you are something wrong, then you are
going to doubt yourself and your abilities.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
And your abilities. But I also think you're going to
doubt others because they never believed in you.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
Well.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
The part of the personality that Erickson says is developed
if you experience more pride in your independence and autonomy
is will, which is the will to try and do
new things, really, the will to put yourself out there,
try and do new things. So we have to be
super careful about children who are expressing their independence in
(08:15):
ways that adults may find less than palatable. Right children
express young children especially express their independence by doing things
like looking at us and saying no, sitting down when
we tell them to stand standing when we tell them
to sit. They express their independence by wanting to explore
(08:38):
the environment on their own, So we have to have
them in those safe environments where they can explore on
their own. They show their independence by things even like
I said, as simple as I am capable of walking
right now, so I want to walk, and if you
scoop me up and carry me everywhere, what I learn
is I'm not good enough that I'm not capable. I'm
not capable of person.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
You don't believe I am capable of doing it, So
why would I believe that I can do it?
Speaker 3 (09:03):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (09:04):
You know, I think about even something as simple as
putting on a coat. Children struggle with putting their coats on,
and it does. They often can manage it eventually, but
it takes adult patience and time. So if we don't
often enough give them that time and that patience, what
am I teaching them? I'm teaching them shame, said Erickson.
I'm teaching them the feeling of being something wrong. It
(09:27):
is such a serious thing, you know, and maybe in
some ways every human being can relate to moments in
their lives where they felt like something wrong.
Speaker 3 (09:37):
Well, yeah, right, I feel like there's.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Something wrong, yeah, like in something wrong about me, about
me right when really we will.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
The message we want children to get is you are
You are wonderful enough just as you are. Yes, you
are enough the way you are. Absolutely mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
There's a saying in in the I know some of
you have heard me mention this before the lifestyle kind
of weight management program that I'm a part of that
they say all the time, and I really love it.
They talk about how there's no such thing as perfection,
and they say all the time, you are perfect with
your imperfections. That's perfection. There's no such thing as the
(10:20):
sort of perfection we picture, right, it doesn't exist. You
are perfect with your imperfections. Yeah, And I think children
need to get that message. They need to know you
are perfect with your imperfections. We love you the way
you are. Our love is unconditional, Our value of you
is unconditional, Our respect for you is unconditional. So it
(10:40):
you know, often when children are exhibiting behaviors that challenge adults,
or you know, they're just they're being children. They're just
being children. It's the adults who need to think about
their behavior, not so much the children. And we need
to have the capacity to take a deep breath to
realize every every single interaction that I have with a
(11:02):
child gives them a message about themselves.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
It isn't only.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
I'm trying to get you to behave this way, or
I'm trying to get you to do this thing, or
I need you to do X, y Z. Every single
interaction I have with you impacts how you view yourself. Yes,
and I mean every single interaction. When we acknowledge their
efforts and the good that they do, it teaches them
something about who they are. The feeling, it's the feeling
(11:29):
of being good and right and valued. Right. Yes, when
I have to talk to them about their behavior, it
teaches them something about who they are. When I do
it kindly and with respect, it teaches them something about
who they are, because they're worthy of respect and kindness,
regardless of the fact that they made a mistake. I
was recently talking to someone who was we were talking
(11:51):
about outdated ways to speak with children, and I was saying, Yeah,
that sends terrible messages to the children. And I was
talking about that and we really as a society need
to recognize what are the outdated ways to speak with
children and recognize in ourselves, the thoughts in our heads
(12:17):
that we carry, the messages that we carry, and the
times that we doubt ourselves. There are things that we
doubt and times that we doubt ourselves, and things we
doubt about ourselves that stem back to our early childhoods.
Speaker 3 (12:30):
They just do.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
It's the messages we got because of people making us unintentionally.
Perhaps there was no intention, but they didn't know better,
and so the things that were done and said with
some people made them feel like they are something wrong.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
Well, because the things that other people have said when
we were children.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
We've discussed this on here before.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Because you are inner dialogue, and when you're a child
and you don't have any other adults in your life,
and the only adults that are telling you are these
negative things that make you doubt, then you start to
think like that must be true because there's my trust
adult and that's what they think, and then it stays
with you forever. Feel it's very hard to get over,
(13:13):
and I know that from experience. It takes a lot
of work to get that inner dialogue to flip, you know,
So because the early childhood years, it really those are
the things that stick with you for very, very long,
because you're growing and you're developing, and you're growing with that.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Right, you know, I want you to think about folks.
If you're raising children, just look at them and think,
do I want you to ever feel like you are
something wrong?
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Right?
Speaker 2 (13:41):
And if you are teaching young children, I want you
to take take a moment, take a deep breath. I
know it's busy in that space, but take a deep breath.
Look at these children and think, is the message about
you that you get from me and the time that
we know each other?
Speaker 3 (13:56):
What is the message? Do I want that message to
be you are some thing wrong?
Speaker 2 (14:00):
And I never want it to be that, no matter
how much their behavior challenges me, I want them to
leave my space with better messages than that about who
they are and how they're going to walk through this world.
Because it takes years and years of therapy to decade trust.
Speaker 3 (14:18):
Me of therapy to unravel that nonsense.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Yes, so I hope that you'll think about the different
the difference, you know, and guilt isn't great either. By
the way, guilt isn't great. We don't need to guilt people.
We don't need to be passive, aggressive and guilt people
I think.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
That often children, through things that we say, some things
when they when they make a mistake, are made to
feel guilty about their mistakes and their children they're going
to make mistakes where adults do. We make mistakes, like
there's no need to be making them.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
But if you help someone or you offer help to
someone and then you bring it up and throw it
in their face, that's guilt.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
That's guilt, right. Yes, it's something that I learned.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
I had a fractured ankle, and it's really something that
I learned because I don't like to ask for help
because I'm always concerned that it's going to somehow come
back to me in a negative way.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
And it's it's, you know, just part of me.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Also, doesn't that kind of come with like I'm.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Not I'm I'm not worthy of the help enough worthy?
It does, it does, and ask.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
For the help. I just need to do this myself
because you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (15:19):
So it does kind of good, it does this topic.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
But I learned a great lesson about that that's not
always true, that it doesn't always come back at you,
that people do things for good reasons, and pray and.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
The people that love you love you.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
So let's not let these children be my age when
they learn that.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
Yeah right, Let's let them be younger and walk through
their whole lives knowing you are not something wrong, and
if you do something wrong, you can just think about
that and correct.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
It's okay, it's.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Okay, and we'll help you. Yeah, okay, preschool peeps. So
let's see what do we want to say before we
let the people go. Let's let my people.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
Go to hear that. Oh gosh, stop in there. No,
I'm not I'm good. I won't to wurch it.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Okay, only four year olds think I have a good
singing voice.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
So Alison, who told you that that made you feel
like you weren't good enough at singing? See ties to
the topic.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
Probably multiple people.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
So Allison is going to move her head so that
on YouTube you can see the QR code that takes
you to our Facebook page for this podcast, the website
for this podcast, and other many things, several many things,
as my son Michael would say.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
All the good stuff, several many things. And we will
catch you next time on the podcast. Preschool Peeps. Bye peeps,
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