November 17, 2025 • 20 mins
Has anyone ever said to you, "That's a feeling, not a fact." Exactly how dismissive does that feel? Of course it does, because your feelings and the emotions of children are a fact! Join Cindy and Alison as they talk more about feelings as facts and how to interact with children who may have more than one feeling for each situation.
- Check out our website: https://www.howpreschoolteachersdoit.com/
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- Learn more about Cindy's work, including professional development, family education, and consulting opportunities: https://hihello.com/hi/cindyterebush-RXMBKA
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
And yet another Monday preschool peeps happy the just these
Mondays just to keep rolling around, coming, they never end
rolling around. They've been rolling around for this podcast for
since twenty eighteen. Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Yeah, we just had.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Anniversary in June. So that so our anniversaries in June,
So twenty eighteen, So seven years, we're in our eighth
year of recording. Then right eighth year, we're in our
eighth year of Who knew? Who knew we would last
this long? You know we said in the beginning, we didn't.
We'll do this for like a year. There won't be
(00:38):
any more topics. There were eight years worth of topics
about young children. Yes, my goodness. Before we get to
today's topic, which I'm so excited to have people think about.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Yeah, you have clas shout out some people. We are
shouting out Mexico today, never shouted them out before.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
How is that possible? I don't know.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
It's amazing though, I'm super excited about it. There are
neighbors to the south, neighbors to the south. Yeah, and
we are shouting out Indianapolis, Indiana.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
I've not been there. I have never been there. Well,
put it on the list.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, I do have a friend who now lives in Indiana.
I don't know how close to Indianapolis she is, but
I know she just moved there.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Interesting. Yeah, well she loves it there. Maybe you'll go
visit Indiana and maybe Indianapolis. Yeah, yeah, I should put
it on my list. I love I love like seeing
different places in the United States.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Love it.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Okay, so we're here today. Oh no, we didn't do
Oh yeah, we did this. Oh my my, I'm telling
you did. You'll see that. We're having a day.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
So we're here today to talk about the fact that
feelings are facts.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Yes, that is a fact.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
When many of us were young, feelings people would tell Okay,
even older, I've heard people say that's a feeling, it's
not a fact, haven't I heard people say that someone
just said this to me, did they Yes?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
And it ticked me off.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Okay, as somebody who who.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Feels her feelings and feels them strongly on a regular basis,
Please don't tell me that my feelings don't matter, that
it's all in my head.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Yeah, you know what it.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Is in my head.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Maybe, But like I think we have to stop saying
real yeah, I think they don't matter. We have to
stop saying, oh, that's just a feeling, it's not a fact,
because that's not true. Your feelings are facts. Your feelings
are facts. You know. If I'm angry, that's a fact.
I'm angry. If I'm annoyed with you, that's a fact that.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
If you tell me my feelings are fact, I'm gonna
be annoyed with you.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Exactly, right, So there's that. If i'm you know, if
I'm sad, that's a fact of my life. Right now,
i am sad, or if I am you know, I'm
sure people who get depressed don't want you to tell
them that's nothing. It's huge, thank you, it's huge. Anxiety
(03:10):
is you.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
I'm just gonna say, please, don't tell me that anxiety
is just something I made up. Also, somebody recently said
that to me, you're just making it up. I'm like, no, no,
I'm not. But I'm the same actually feeling that. Then
I get maybe what they're trying to get to. But
don't say that to me, okay, when I'm having an episode.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
But it's also for for things like joy, right, yes,
so you know, my joy, my excitement, my exuberance, my
happiness is not just in anything and it's a fact
of the moment.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
The fact is that right now I'm joyful, And here's
another fact, an hour from now, I might be sad. Right.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
I don't think people realize that how quickly, at least
for me. Maybe for other people it's different, maybe it
doesn't happen that quickly. But for me it could go
like that where I could be happy one second and
the next be mad or happy. Oh, I could be
happy and then incredibly sad the next minute. I could
(04:14):
be happy and sad at the same time. Yes, And
I think some people don't. Maybe my emotions are just
more complicated than other people's or shift quicker than other people's,
But that doesn't mean it's not real.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
That's my reality.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
That's how I've always been.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
And so when we're working with children, we need to
remember that their feelings are facts. That is their reality
right now, and we can't look at them and say,
you know, oh, you're just scared. There's nothing to be
scared of. It isn't just anything. It's big and huge,
especially to young children whose feelings just take them over.
(04:51):
And it is a fact. Here's the fact. Right, one
child grabs a toy from another child, it's a fact
that that child who got their toy taken away is
going to be sad or frustrated or mad. And when
we acknowledge the feelings, and we acknowledge this is a
fact for you in this moment, it is easier to
(05:13):
diffuse what's going on because when you feel I want
you to think about even as an adult, when you
feel a certain way and someone comes to you and says, oh,
that's nothing, which is basically what we're saying when we
say it's just a feeling, it's not a fact.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
It's so dismissive.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Yes, And now you dismissed me.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
And now I'm even sadder, right, So like when you're
doing that to a child, you're like, your feelings don't matter.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
And now I'm even.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Sadder than I was before because nobody's even helping me
through this.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
You know, I can remember being older than the children
we talk about on this podcast, because we don't remember
back then, but I can remember being a little older
and a child hurt my feelings and I said to
an adult, you know something about I was sad, really
hurt my feelings when they said this, and they said, well,
he didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Your feelings are
(06:04):
not a fact. The fact is that he said that
without realizing he was good. But doesn't it matter that
it made me sad?
Speaker 2 (06:11):
It does matter, And I feel like in that situation,
because that's the way we grew up, right, that was
that happened a lot. It's like you're making excuses for
this person's bad behavior, like he said something that was
rude or called your name or something it did hurt
your feelings, but instead of hey, don't don't talk to
(06:32):
somebody like that. That's that's rude.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
It's your fault because you reacted to it. I just
I really feel like we need to stop doing that.
We need to stop even the thought, the notion that, oh,
it's it's just feelings, it's not. The fact is he
didn't intend to do that, or the fact is you know, uh,
we have to get our coats onto. Yes, it is
(06:56):
a fact. You have to get your cotes on to
go outside. Yeah. But also the child's frustration about trying
to put the code on is a fact, a fact,
And if I really believe if we treated it like
a fact, we could get past it easier, better, in
a more healthy emotionally healthy way for the children. And
we also need to remember that feelings are not static. Yes, right,
(07:19):
feelings shift, feelings morph, That fact can change. So let's
say I'm working with a child and that child was
angry because it was time to clean up. It's time
to clean up. That child's anger at it being time
(07:41):
to clean up is a fact. It is something we
need to address in an empathetic and kind way, and
we need to go over and acknowledge it and say,
I know that you are what did I say, frustrated?
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Frustrated?
Speaker 1 (07:56):
I know that you are frustrated. Right now, I see
your friend. I can help you put your coat on,
or you can put on yourself. We need to it
is our time, our playground time. Right. Yes, we don't
all go out, we're not going to get to go
to the playground. But I know that you're frustrated about
having to put your coat on and you probably don't
(08:16):
like to wear your coat. Coats keep us warm, Coats
keep us safe, right, but not ignoring the frustration. And
then so let's say the child's been frustrated because it's
time to clean up. Now it's time to go to
the playground, and I go over with a coat. Right,
I can say, like, you're frustrated, I know, because you
(08:38):
wanted to keep playing. Right, I know you're frustrated because
you wanted to keep playing. I'll help you put the
toys away so that we can get to the playground,
and then the child I start to clean up. In
this example, I start to clean up, and now the
child starts to cry. Because the fact is that we
are going outside. So the child starts to cry. I
(09:00):
have to acknowledge that the emotion may have sh shifted
to sadness, because that's also a fact. So you need
to turn to the child and say, you're crying. So
I think you're sad. Now, yeah, I understand that it's
sad when we have to stop doing something, the child
isn't necessarily frustrated anymore. I hope this is making sense
(09:20):
what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
Think that, yeah, they're sad, maybe because of many different reasons,
but like, yeah, I think it the shifting. You we
don't always pay attention to. The shifting has to be
paid attention to. I think that's what it is. Because
I think we don't pay attention to the shift, and
we're assuming they're still frustrated.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
We're still talking.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
About being frustrated, right, but the shifting frustrated anymore. Now
they're sad, and so you need to really pay attention
when you're talking to be like, ah, there's the shift.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Now.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
I see that you are sad because we had to
put your structure away. You know, it's you know, because
or whatever it might.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
Be, we have to acknowledge the second feeling and the
third feeling and the fourth feeling, because the feelings are facts.
It's the fact of the situation. This is what we're
dealing with. It's true for separation anxiety. Separation anxiety is
a fact.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Yeah, it.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Can be difficult to help children cope with separating from
their most important adults. If we try to ignore all
of this, it's not helpful. If we try to sneak
out tell the family to sneak out on the children,
it is not helpful. Their anxiety about separating from their
adult is a fact, and so we need to gradually
(10:44):
work them into that separation by not yanking them from
people and having people sneak out on them.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
And I find for some reason, anxiety, especially in children
that are that young, gets dismissed a lot because I
think people are like, children shouldn't be anxious their children
what they have to be anxious about.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
They also don't have adult problems, you know, trying to
a child who's anxious, that's a problem. That's a problem
for a.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Child who's only ever been with his parents and now
they're going to school for the first time at age three.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Yeah, and you expect that to just be Okay.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
I'm an adult that has trouble going back to work
after summer, like and I'm old, like, so like why
But I think there's this notion of like, but they're kids.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
They shouldn't be worried about stuff like that. You know,
what's you know what's interesting. So I was actually in
a place I was walking indoors or weather wasn't good.
I was with my sister walking indoors. And in this
place where we were walking, there is a childcare center.
There's a Montessori center. Yeah, and we were we watched
when we walk in the morning, we love to watch
(11:50):
these tiny little children going into their Montessori center with
a big giant backpack and it looks like they're gonna
fall ball. Yeah, so we do. It's like our joy
of the morning. To watch these children and go into school.
And there was a child with separation anxiety, right, and
he was standing outside the school's doorway crying and his
(12:11):
adult whoever was with him was trying to calm him down,
and there was a staff member trying to get him
to go in. And I think for most people, if
we say what are the facts here, they're going to
say the child doesn't want to go into the school,
which is true. But the fact is that the child
has anxiety right now, and that's what we need to address.
(12:33):
There's a difference between addressing get you over the threshold
and deal with your anxiety. The fact is the anxiety.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
And I don't even think like most people would be like, oh,
this child doesn't want to go to school.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
I don't think that's the issue.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
I think maybe they do want to go to school,
They just wish their parent could come with them, right, or.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
They would have because of the anxiety they feel more.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
I think they don't want to separate.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Because I think people like us, and why don't they
want to separate? It makes them anxious, yes, it makes
them feel insecure and anxious. So if we break things
down like this, folks, right, so you have two children
in a classroom. One child grabs a toy from another child.
The child who got his toy snatched away gets angry
(13:20):
and hits the first the child who grabbed it. Right,
And if we say to people, what's the what's the fact?
Right now, they're gonna say this child grabbed a toy
from this child instead of this child wanted the toy
and was frustrated, and that child got angry when they
grabbed it. We don't see when we say what's.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
The problem, we're not acknowledging the emotion the actual problem.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
I think have you ever seen because I have a
child is sitting and playing with a toy, another chunk
comes over and grabs a piece and they don't care.
They just keep playing. They just go, uh, Okay, there
goes my green lego. There it goes. I guess I'll
grab another green lego. The problem. Yes, we want to
(14:02):
teach children to not grab, and yes we would want
children to feel comfortable to come into school, and yes
we want to teach children to negotiate social problems. One
I'm not saying don't teach them that. We have to
base how we're going to teach the child on the
emotion that this caused. Yes, right, Sometimes when my children
(14:23):
talk to me and they're adults, and sometimes when they
talk to me, I realize what they're talking to me
about is not about me at all. It's an emotion
they felt in another situation and it's being transferred to me.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Right, Okay, And I think that's another maybe issue here,
is that it's not about you. So like when your
son is coming to you and talking about something that's emotional,
there's I think there's many adults that would like take
it personally like oh, like they're mad at me, or
they're upset because it's something I did or I didn't
(14:57):
do or whatever, or my reaction. No, it's not, Uh,
it's not about you. It's about the person expressing this feeling, right,
It's like yeah, And because we get so wrapped up
of like, oh, how am I going to diffuse the
situation because now the person's mad at me instead of
actually just listening to this person who wants to express
(15:18):
this feeling that honestly has nothing to do with you,
But you're making it about you, and now it's about
you instead of you know. And then I think we
do this with children too, right, like separation. Anxiety must
be something against me as a teacher. They don't want
to come to school, must be something about the mother
that made whatever. No, how about you just talk to
the child about it and listen and like see what
(15:40):
we can come up with here to help you, because
the issue is sure, the issue is that the.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Child feels anxious. That's the issue that you're putting your
adult stuff on it. The issue is for some reason,
leaving their most important adult behind makes them feel anxious.
And that anxiety is a fact. You know, people say,
don't be sad, don't be scared. Don't know that feeling
is a fact. And I feel like when.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
You say stuff like that, don't be scared, don't be sad,
don't be mad, it puts the stigma on those emotions.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
Right, Oh, I shouldn't feel scared.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
No, scared is a good emotion, like fear, like could
be like a red flag to be like I need
to get out of here, you know what I mean.
It's a good thing to have, Like you should be
feeling your emotions. We have emotions for a reason.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
So you know, wrong we for And I'm just talking
about anxiety because we were talking about separation anxiety, But
anxiety actually is a part of your human makeup to
keep you safe and alert. It's your brain saying alert, alert,
something could be dangerous, something that hurt you here. And
so when we say even when we think that's not
(16:52):
the fact, that's the feeling, I think we're taking a
whole chunk of humanity out of these situations. And so
that's why they're less empathy, because we've taken the humanness
of people and try to put it on a shelf.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
You know.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
I hope that people who talk about their feelings with
a therapist, for example, that the therapists are not saying, well,
take that feeling and put it on a shelf. The
therapists are helping you dig into that feeling to figure
out why you feel that way and how they can
help you to manage that emotion. They're not trying to
when you talk to a therapist, they're not trying to
(17:29):
necessarily change the facts of your life. They're trying to
help you to accept your emotions and know how to
cope with them, which is self regulation. If we're going
to say to each other, and I think we do,
one of the things we want to teach children is
self regulation. Then we must treat their feelings like facts, right,
and the feelings change. Please notice when they change.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Because honestly, when you're helping them through these feelings, you're
giving them the tools they need for the rest of
their life on how to deal with emotions. When you
dismiss any of the emotions, then they're like, I don't know,
I don't know how to deal with that.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Here's what I hope people want away.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Thirty forty fifty year old I don't know how to
do that because they taught me. That's where we are,
like the way we are, nobody taught us.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
True.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
We have the opportunity to change that for this generation
of people.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Here's what I want people to do after this episode.
I want people, when you are stating what happened, to
start with the feeling, because that's part of the facts.
So to say, like Johnny was angry because and then
the action that happened, Uh, you know, Janice was frustrated
(18:46):
because yeah, right, like I want to do the whole
This child their name was frustrated because and even when
you write reports from families to say the child, their child,
whatever their child's name is, was sad, because here's what happened, right,
here's the action. So if we lead with the feeling
(19:09):
and then go to the action, we've included all of
the facts and we have led with what we really
need to approach first, which is that big feeling. So
go back now, and when you're writing reports or you're
talking to families or your families are talking to each other,
start with the child was feeling whatever because whatever, that's
(19:33):
your sentence. The child was feeling blank because blank. There
you go, all right, treat those feelings like facts. If
you want to discuss this further, go find our forum
on our website How Preschool Teachers Do It dot com
or on the spaces by wixapp which kind of feeds
through that. You can go to our website to find
(19:54):
out how to get the app, and you can go
to Facebook. Yes, so and find how Preschool Teachers Do
It podcast on Facebook to continue the conversation. Yeah, and
we will catch you next time on the podcast by
peb
And yet another Monday preschool peeps happy the just these
Mondays just to keep rolling around, coming, they never end
rolling around. They've been rolling around for this podcast for
since twenty eighteen. Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Yeah, we just had.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Anniversary in June. So that so our anniversaries in June,
So twenty eighteen, So seven years, we're in our eighth
year of recording. Then right eighth year, we're in our
eighth year of Who knew? Who knew we would last
this long? You know we said in the beginning, we didn't.
We'll do this for like a year. There won't be
(00:38):
any more topics. There were eight years worth of topics
about young children. Yes, my goodness. Before we get to
today's topic, which I'm so excited to have people think about.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Yeah, you have clas shout out some people. We are
shouting out Mexico today, never shouted them out before.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
How is that possible? I don't know.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
It's amazing though, I'm super excited about it. There are
neighbors to the south, neighbors to the south. Yeah, and
we are shouting out Indianapolis, Indiana.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
I've not been there. I have never been there. Well,
put it on the list.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, I do have a friend who now lives in Indiana.
I don't know how close to Indianapolis she is, but
I know she just moved there.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Interesting. Yeah, well she loves it there. Maybe you'll go
visit Indiana and maybe Indianapolis. Yeah, yeah, I should put
it on my list. I love I love like seeing
different places in the United States.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Love it.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Okay, so we're here today. Oh no, we didn't do
Oh yeah, we did this. Oh my my, I'm telling
you did. You'll see that. We're having a day.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
So we're here today to talk about the fact that
feelings are facts.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Yes, that is a fact.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
When many of us were young, feelings people would tell Okay,
even older, I've heard people say that's a feeling, it's
not a fact, haven't I heard people say that someone
just said this to me, did they Yes?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
And it ticked me off.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Okay, as somebody who who.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Feels her feelings and feels them strongly on a regular basis,
Please don't tell me that my feelings don't matter, that
it's all in my head.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Yeah, you know what it.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Is in my head.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Maybe, But like I think we have to stop saying
real yeah, I think they don't matter. We have to
stop saying, oh, that's just a feeling, it's not a fact,
because that's not true. Your feelings are facts. Your feelings
are facts. You know. If I'm angry, that's a fact.
I'm angry. If I'm annoyed with you, that's a fact that.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
If you tell me my feelings are fact, I'm gonna
be annoyed with you.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Exactly, right, So there's that. If i'm you know, if
I'm sad, that's a fact of my life. Right now,
i am sad, or if I am you know, I'm
sure people who get depressed don't want you to tell
them that's nothing. It's huge, thank you, it's huge. Anxiety
(03:10):
is you.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
I'm just gonna say, please, don't tell me that anxiety
is just something I made up. Also, somebody recently said
that to me, you're just making it up. I'm like, no, no,
I'm not. But I'm the same actually feeling that. Then
I get maybe what they're trying to get to. But
don't say that to me, okay, when I'm having an episode.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
But it's also for for things like joy, right, yes,
so you know, my joy, my excitement, my exuberance, my
happiness is not just in anything and it's a fact
of the moment.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
The fact is that right now I'm joyful, And here's
another fact, an hour from now, I might be sad. Right.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
I don't think people realize that how quickly, at least
for me. Maybe for other people it's different, maybe it
doesn't happen that quickly. But for me it could go
like that where I could be happy one second and
the next be mad or happy. Oh, I could be
happy and then incredibly sad the next minute. I could
(04:14):
be happy and sad at the same time. Yes, And
I think some people don't. Maybe my emotions are just
more complicated than other people's or shift quicker than other people's,
But that doesn't mean it's not real.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
That's my reality.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
That's how I've always been.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
And so when we're working with children, we need to
remember that their feelings are facts. That is their reality
right now, and we can't look at them and say,
you know, oh, you're just scared. There's nothing to be
scared of. It isn't just anything. It's big and huge,
especially to young children whose feelings just take them over.
(04:51):
And it is a fact. Here's the fact. Right, one
child grabs a toy from another child, it's a fact
that that child who got their toy taken away is
going to be sad or frustrated or mad. And when
we acknowledge the feelings, and we acknowledge this is a
fact for you in this moment, it is easier to
(05:13):
diffuse what's going on because when you feel I want
you to think about even as an adult, when you
feel a certain way and someone comes to you and says, oh,
that's nothing, which is basically what we're saying when we
say it's just a feeling, it's not a fact.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
It's so dismissive.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Yes, And now you dismissed me.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
And now I'm even sadder, right, So like when you're
doing that to a child, you're like, your feelings don't matter.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
And now I'm even.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Sadder than I was before because nobody's even helping me
through this.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
You know, I can remember being older than the children
we talk about on this podcast, because we don't remember
back then, but I can remember being a little older
and a child hurt my feelings and I said to
an adult, you know something about I was sad, really
hurt my feelings when they said this, and they said, well,
he didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Your feelings are
(06:04):
not a fact. The fact is that he said that
without realizing he was good. But doesn't it matter that
it made me sad?
Speaker 2 (06:11):
It does matter, And I feel like in that situation,
because that's the way we grew up, right, that was
that happened a lot. It's like you're making excuses for
this person's bad behavior, like he said something that was
rude or called your name or something it did hurt
your feelings, but instead of hey, don't don't talk to
(06:32):
somebody like that. That's that's rude.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
It's your fault because you reacted to it. I just
I really feel like we need to stop doing that.
We need to stop even the thought, the notion that, oh,
it's it's just feelings, it's not. The fact is he
didn't intend to do that, or the fact is you know, uh,
we have to get our coats onto. Yes, it is
(06:56):
a fact. You have to get your cotes on to
go outside. Yeah. But also the child's frustration about trying
to put the code on is a fact, a fact,
And if I really believe if we treated it like
a fact, we could get past it easier, better, in
a more healthy emotionally healthy way for the children. And
we also need to remember that feelings are not static. Yes, right,
(07:19):
feelings shift, feelings morph, That fact can change. So let's
say I'm working with a child and that child was
angry because it was time to clean up. It's time
to clean up. That child's anger at it being time
(07:41):
to clean up is a fact. It is something we
need to address in an empathetic and kind way, and
we need to go over and acknowledge it and say,
I know that you are what did I say, frustrated?
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Frustrated?
Speaker 1 (07:56):
I know that you are frustrated. Right now, I see
your friend. I can help you put your coat on,
or you can put on yourself. We need to it
is our time, our playground time. Right. Yes, we don't
all go out, we're not going to get to go
to the playground. But I know that you're frustrated about
having to put your coat on and you probably don't
(08:16):
like to wear your coat. Coats keep us warm, Coats
keep us safe, right, but not ignoring the frustration. And
then so let's say the child's been frustrated because it's
time to clean up. Now it's time to go to
the playground, and I go over with a coat. Right,
I can say, like, you're frustrated, I know, because you
(08:38):
wanted to keep playing. Right, I know you're frustrated because
you wanted to keep playing. I'll help you put the
toys away so that we can get to the playground,
and then the child I start to clean up. In
this example, I start to clean up, and now the
child starts to cry. Because the fact is that we
are going outside. So the child starts to cry. I
(09:00):
have to acknowledge that the emotion may have sh shifted
to sadness, because that's also a fact. So you need
to turn to the child and say, you're crying. So
I think you're sad. Now, yeah, I understand that it's
sad when we have to stop doing something, the child
isn't necessarily frustrated anymore. I hope this is making sense
(09:20):
what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
Think that, yeah, they're sad, maybe because of many different reasons,
but like, yeah, I think it the shifting. You we
don't always pay attention to. The shifting has to be
paid attention to. I think that's what it is. Because
I think we don't pay attention to the shift, and
we're assuming they're still frustrated.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
We're still talking.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
About being frustrated, right, but the shifting frustrated anymore. Now
they're sad, and so you need to really pay attention
when you're talking to be like, ah, there's the shift.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Now.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
I see that you are sad because we had to
put your structure away. You know, it's you know, because
or whatever it might.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
Be, we have to acknowledge the second feeling and the
third feeling and the fourth feeling, because the feelings are facts.
It's the fact of the situation. This is what we're
dealing with. It's true for separation anxiety. Separation anxiety is
a fact.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Yeah, it.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Can be difficult to help children cope with separating from
their most important adults. If we try to ignore all
of this, it's not helpful. If we try to sneak
out tell the family to sneak out on the children,
it is not helpful. Their anxiety about separating from their
adult is a fact, and so we need to gradually
(10:44):
work them into that separation by not yanking them from
people and having people sneak out on them.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
And I find for some reason, anxiety, especially in children
that are that young, gets dismissed a lot because I
think people are like, children shouldn't be anxious their children
what they have to be anxious about.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
They also don't have adult problems, you know, trying to
a child who's anxious, that's a problem. That's a problem
for a.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Child who's only ever been with his parents and now
they're going to school for the first time at age three.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Yeah, and you expect that to just be Okay.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
I'm an adult that has trouble going back to work
after summer, like and I'm old, like, so like why
But I think there's this notion of like, but they're kids.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
They shouldn't be worried about stuff like that. You know,
what's you know what's interesting. So I was actually in
a place I was walking indoors or weather wasn't good.
I was with my sister walking indoors. And in this
place where we were walking, there is a childcare center.
There's a Montessori center. Yeah, and we were we watched
when we walk in the morning, we love to watch
(11:50):
these tiny little children going into their Montessori center with
a big giant backpack and it looks like they're gonna
fall ball. Yeah, so we do. It's like our joy
of the morning. To watch these children and go into school.
And there was a child with separation anxiety, right, and
he was standing outside the school's doorway crying and his
(12:11):
adult whoever was with him was trying to calm him down,
and there was a staff member trying to get him
to go in. And I think for most people, if
we say what are the facts here, they're going to
say the child doesn't want to go into the school,
which is true. But the fact is that the child
has anxiety right now, and that's what we need to address.
(12:33):
There's a difference between addressing get you over the threshold
and deal with your anxiety. The fact is the anxiety.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
And I don't even think like most people would be like, oh,
this child doesn't want to go to school.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
I don't think that's the issue.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
I think maybe they do want to go to school,
They just wish their parent could come with them, right, or.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
They would have because of the anxiety they feel more.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
I think they don't want to separate.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Because I think people like us, and why don't they
want to separate? It makes them anxious, yes, it makes
them feel insecure and anxious. So if we break things
down like this, folks, right, so you have two children
in a classroom. One child grabs a toy from another child.
The child who got his toy snatched away gets angry
(13:20):
and hits the first the child who grabbed it. Right,
And if we say to people, what's the what's the fact?
Right now, they're gonna say this child grabbed a toy
from this child instead of this child wanted the toy
and was frustrated, and that child got angry when they
grabbed it. We don't see when we say what's.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
The problem, we're not acknowledging the emotion the actual problem.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
I think have you ever seen because I have a
child is sitting and playing with a toy, another chunk
comes over and grabs a piece and they don't care.
They just keep playing. They just go, uh, Okay, there
goes my green lego. There it goes. I guess I'll
grab another green lego. The problem. Yes, we want to
(14:02):
teach children to not grab, and yes we would want
children to feel comfortable to come into school, and yes
we want to teach children to negotiate social problems. One
I'm not saying don't teach them that. We have to
base how we're going to teach the child on the
emotion that this caused. Yes, right, Sometimes when my children
(14:23):
talk to me and they're adults, and sometimes when they
talk to me, I realize what they're talking to me
about is not about me at all. It's an emotion
they felt in another situation and it's being transferred to me.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Right, Okay, And I think that's another maybe issue here,
is that it's not about you. So like when your
son is coming to you and talking about something that's emotional,
there's I think there's many adults that would like take
it personally like oh, like they're mad at me, or
they're upset because it's something I did or I didn't
(14:57):
do or whatever, or my reaction. No, it's not, Uh,
it's not about you. It's about the person expressing this feeling, right,
It's like yeah, And because we get so wrapped up
of like, oh, how am I going to diffuse the
situation because now the person's mad at me instead of
actually just listening to this person who wants to express
(15:18):
this feeling that honestly has nothing to do with you,
But you're making it about you, and now it's about
you instead of you know. And then I think we
do this with children too, right, like separation. Anxiety must
be something against me as a teacher. They don't want
to come to school, must be something about the mother
that made whatever. No, how about you just talk to
the child about it and listen and like see what
(15:40):
we can come up with here to help you, because
the issue is sure, the issue is that the.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Child feels anxious. That's the issue that you're putting your
adult stuff on it. The issue is for some reason,
leaving their most important adult behind makes them feel anxious.
And that anxiety is a fact. You know, people say,
don't be sad, don't be scared. Don't know that feeling
is a fact. And I feel like when.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
You say stuff like that, don't be scared, don't be sad,
don't be mad, it puts the stigma on those emotions.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
Right, Oh, I shouldn't feel scared.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
No, scared is a good emotion, like fear, like could
be like a red flag to be like I need
to get out of here, you know what I mean.
It's a good thing to have, Like you should be
feeling your emotions. We have emotions for a reason.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
So you know, wrong we for And I'm just talking
about anxiety because we were talking about separation anxiety, But
anxiety actually is a part of your human makeup to
keep you safe and alert. It's your brain saying alert, alert,
something could be dangerous, something that hurt you here. And
so when we say even when we think that's not
(16:52):
the fact, that's the feeling, I think we're taking a
whole chunk of humanity out of these situations. And so
that's why they're less empathy, because we've taken the humanness
of people and try to put it on a shelf.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
You know.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
I hope that people who talk about their feelings with
a therapist, for example, that the therapists are not saying, well,
take that feeling and put it on a shelf. The
therapists are helping you dig into that feeling to figure
out why you feel that way and how they can
help you to manage that emotion. They're not trying to
when you talk to a therapist, they're not trying to
(17:29):
necessarily change the facts of your life. They're trying to
help you to accept your emotions and know how to
cope with them, which is self regulation. If we're going
to say to each other, and I think we do,
one of the things we want to teach children is
self regulation. Then we must treat their feelings like facts, right,
and the feelings change. Please notice when they change.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Because honestly, when you're helping them through these feelings, you're
giving them the tools they need for the rest of
their life on how to deal with emotions. When you
dismiss any of the emotions, then they're like, I don't know,
I don't know how to deal with that.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Here's what I hope people want away.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Thirty forty fifty year old I don't know how to
do that because they taught me. That's where we are,
like the way we are, nobody taught us.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
True.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
We have the opportunity to change that for this generation
of people.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Here's what I want people to do after this episode.
I want people, when you are stating what happened, to
start with the feeling, because that's part of the facts.
So to say, like Johnny was angry because and then
the action that happened, Uh, you know, Janice was frustrated
(18:46):
because yeah, right, like I want to do the whole
This child their name was frustrated because and even when
you write reports from families to say the child, their child,
whatever their child's name is, was sad, because here's what happened, right,
here's the action. So if we lead with the feeling
(19:09):
and then go to the action, we've included all of
the facts and we have led with what we really
need to approach first, which is that big feeling. So
go back now, and when you're writing reports or you're
talking to families or your families are talking to each other,
start with the child was feeling whatever because whatever, that's
(19:33):
your sentence. The child was feeling blank because blank. There
you go, all right, treat those feelings like facts. If
you want to discuss this further, go find our forum
on our website How Preschool Teachers Do It dot com
or on the spaces by wixapp which kind of feeds
through that. You can go to our website to find
(19:54):
out how to get the app, and you can go
to Facebook. Yes, so and find how Preschool Teachers Do
It podcast on Facebook to continue the conversation. Yeah, and
we will catch you next time on the podcast by
peb
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