In this deeply moving and honest episode, we sit down with author Mary Alice Stephens to talk about her courageous path from alcohol addiction to recovery--and what she's learned about motherhood, self-compassion, and healing along the way. Mary Alice opens up about how she faced her alcoholism, the turning point that led her to sobriety, and the challenges and rewards of rebuilding her life with clarity and hope. This is a must-listen conversation for anyone who's ever struggled to hold it all together while caring for everyone else.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome, Mom's Welcome inside the Mom's Club. I'm your host,
Monica Samuels, and I'm here with my co host, Julie Orchid.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
My friend. How are you?
Speaker 1 (00:09):
I am wonderful, you know, Mom's Club. It's going It's
just we're going crazy and our social.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Media is doing really well.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
I mean I'm having fun.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
I mean, you're hilarious. Let's just put it that way. Yeah,
you just had a couple out there that have made
me cackle out loud so well.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
I introduced today hoa Mom. That's funny, mom Mom influencer failed.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Because that's reality. Yes, yeah, the hoa Mom is no joke.
We have those ladies in our neighborhood. And I'm a
little worried that you might that might be real that
I've embraced the character to maybe.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
I don't know, you did it so kind of enjoy
it with my megaphone and my my binoculars. Yeah, no,
I think it's pretty fun. Yeah, we're having a great time.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Your career is just booming, just so you know, Oh,
thank you, thank you.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
What's fun doing all this?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
I know, and it's fun to getting all these women
together from all over the country.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
I mean just it's.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Just it's very powerful, amazing, it's amazing, and I would
be nowhere without my the girlfriends that I have, Especially
in the last five years, it's really you know, hit
the roof as far as needing everybody, and I think
a lot of people have been through stuff and sometimes
(01:22):
you know, addiction creeps its ugly head.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Well, you know, let's remember as we get into that subject.
Of course we're going to be talking about that today,
but let's remember one of the now we were friends.
Our kids graduated in twenty twenty, so yeah, that was
kind of wrap the pandemic.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
I remember where we were, well, their last I sure do.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
The last day of school. We didn't know it was
going to be the last day of school.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
We thought, literally, oh, they're going to have a couple
of days off. They have to shut the school down today,
but back on Monday, we'll be back.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
We were literally at a baseball game, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
My son's baseball game, and an event that I came
up with the record. It was my idea Diamond Day
at St.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Andrew's school. I created that. Those our last big carnival
kind of fun thing.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Yeah, raising money all of that, and so we decided, hey,
it's the last day, not the last day, but well
they shut it down. So what did we go do?
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Shut down school?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
So we said, hey, let's have a margarita party at
Monica's house. What all Now that we look back on that,
the pictures we took and how we acted and all
that stuff, it's like sounds sick.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
You know, we're celebrating.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
We're about to go into a serious pandemic where we
didn't know all that, but it didn't.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yeah. Yeah, so we're definitely day drinking.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
She made her famous margarita's and we floated around the
pool drinking margarita's. We did then when it became clear
that no, this is a real deal. We are now
stuck in our homes and really not able to communicate
with you see each other, Yeah, we then came up with, hey,
let's have zoom cocktail hour.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Yeah, because so what were we going to do at
the time. We still needed to see each other, we
still needed to have fun, you know. But then we
came isolated in our homes and we reached out together.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
But you know, then it dawned on me one day,
during one of those events we were having together, I thought,
I'm sitting here on a zoom call, really drinking by myself. Yeah,
talking to a screen. I mean I was talking to
you all, but it just was like, that's it's different.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
That was not good.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Yeah, And there were so many people that we knew
right that that party never stopped.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
I mean it was just for me for sure.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
I can't really speak. I mean, most of you are
pretty good. Out of our group, there's five of us,
and some of us don't drink anymore for health reasons.
And you know you are doing excellent on you know,
working out and being good except the sour cream and
onion martini that you claim as good.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
But oh boy, well, some drinks will just cure you
forever forever.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
Yeah, I hope forever.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
I was in.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
A dinner the other night and I tried the sour
cream and onion martini.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
I can't. Every time we talk about it, I throw
up a little.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
Did not get well after that.
Speaker 5 (04:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
Yeah, but.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
What we've learned, I mean through all that, don't you
feel like drinking turned into too much of a social
thing when there could be so many more wonderful things
to do.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Yeah, I don't involve that true.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Where our friend group is going. Yeah, and where we're
trying to lead Julie.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
And I totally agree. But listen, you're not in my boat.
Like when you're newly dating out and you're out there,
I mean, that's become a thing, and then you're traveling,
and so I've taken a hard look at it recently
where you know, I need to you know, back off
of it a little bit or you know what I mean.
So I I think about it, you know, talk about it.
But there's a lot in life too, Like in the
(05:05):
past five years, you know, you get diagnosed with something,
I had a divorce, my children moved away. These are
all things that you know what I mean, can kick
in something that you either don't really want to think about,
or you know what I mean, that can maybe possibly
cause you drinking more than normal. That's all I have
(05:26):
to say. I think it's truthful now that you're being truthful.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Yeah, I just think also that's a crutch.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Right what alcohol?
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Well, sure, but but I feel you think it makes
you feel better right a difficult time when like Okay,
if I drink that, well, I'm more relaxed.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Well, it definitely takes away clarity, might not yeah.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
But really, ultimately it's not.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
It's not good for us, Yes, and it's really difficult.
There's a couple things about that too. Being married to
someone who is an alcoholic. You know, that's always something
you have to look at because you have families, you
have kids involved, and this can really do intense damage
to your relationships, whether it's a friendship, a child, a husband,
(06:16):
you know, anything that along those lines. So, I mean,
I think it's it happens to a lot of people.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Well, it does for sure. And as I've said on
previous shows, my grandfather was an alcoholic, yes, which and
he would beat my grandmother because he was an alcoholic.
And sometimes my mom's family a lot of them just
didn't drink.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Because they saw that. So they knew that.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
But I had to tell my kids when they were
going to college. I'd say, you know, it's genetic. Yeah,
so you need to you know, you're playing Russian roulette here.
You've got a fifty to fifty chance that unlike your
college friends, yeah, pay attention, could be drinking forever exactly.
(07:03):
In fact, one of my sons, one of his roommates,
he finally he said, Mom, he's an alcoholic. And the
reason they figured it out they could tell he wasn't
going to class.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
He was drinking all the time.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
One night he went in there and destroyed one of
their bathrooms in their towerhouse.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
Like destroyed it.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
There was blood everywhere, and he didn't remember it and
denied it the next day.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
And my son was like, that's God's so dangerous an alcoholic.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
And then so I'm just I mean, I don't want
to sound like Carrie Nation here, you know. I was like,
but I don't know that alcohol what good is it.
Speaker 3 (07:41):
Ever really done? Really?
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Yeah, you know, there's better ways to live our lives.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
It's a good question. And you bring up a point
to that, like recently, I would say, in the past
two years, we've had some situations where moms have lost
their life and you know, and you know, to alcoholism.
And I think it's a silent epidemic. Maybe we don't
talk about it enough or bring it to the surface.
(08:09):
It's kind of a secret sometimes it is.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
And yeah, you're absolutely right, Well let's discuss it.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Yes, let's learn more about this disease.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Has had experience with it and has come out the
other side and has some great message.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
And I mean, what courage. Oh, So the book that
she's written, I mean, you can't wait to I have
not quite finished it yet, so this will definitely Yeah,
after speaking today, we're gonna you know, yeah, No, it's great,
We'll pushing it.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
She was a television writer, producer for HGTV, the Food
Network and some other media outlets, and today is sharing
her personal and powerful story of alcoholism, recovery and reinventing
her life at forty five. Her book, which is number
one on Amazon and alcohol Alcoholism and Recovery, is called Corked,
(09:00):
a Memoir of letting Go and starting over. Please welcome
Mary Ellis Stevens. Mary, Welcome to the mosque.
Speaker 6 (09:09):
Hi guys, so great to be here.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
Thanks for having me, Thank you for being here.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
I mean, you got sober and had to approach menopause,
which is a conversation.
Speaker 7 (09:19):
Can you show you guys talking about the pandemic that
was so rough on my sobriety. I kind of followed
a friend into sobriety. She was a couple of years
ahead of me, and she chose the pandemic to start
drinking again, and I thought, I mean, it pulled the
rug out from under me. I did not think I
was going to get through that, but I did. But
for you, there are so many triggers out there in
(09:41):
life relationships, menopause, pandemic, you name it.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Well that yeah, because I think that's what happens. Sometimes
there is that trigger. You can get through it and
you're not drinking for a while, and then something happens
and then you start again, and so you have to
figure work your way beyond that. Well, share with our
audience your story just I mean, it's a long story
because briefly, yeah, how did you become So?
Speaker 7 (10:08):
I grew up in an Irish Catholic family. I'm one
of seven kids. Drinking was always kind of highlighted for
you know, Cocktail hour was the big deal in our family,
and I was my dad's bartender's assistant since I was
maybe four or five.
Speaker 6 (10:25):
When I was you know, he'd put me up.
Speaker 7 (10:27):
On a high chair and I'd get to put the
Marchino cherries in the Manhattan's or the Olives and the martinis.
Speaker 6 (10:33):
I had my first drink at sixteen.
Speaker 7 (10:36):
I was a super awkward, self conscious teenager and really
wanted to fit in. And I had my first doctor
big gulp of Bacardi and coke at a party and
all that self consciousness went away, and I became fun
Mary and I became the life of the party.
Speaker 6 (10:55):
I could talk easily and flirt.
Speaker 7 (10:57):
And people thought I was funny. I met super cute
guy and we started making out. I'm like, this is perfect,
and then I had to run to a cornfield and
barf my head off, and then I'm like, this is it.
Speaker 6 (11:09):
This is the new me. I'm set.
Speaker 7 (11:11):
So drinking became my social solution. Then I went away
to college, and of course I went to San Diego State,
little party school there, and drinking was the way to
make fast friends, and everybody was well, everybody I hung
out with was drinking excessively, so I just said, nothing
to see here. You know, everybody's throwing up the day
(11:33):
after and super hungover. And then I kept having to
justify it. You know, I was a young professional working
in television and advertising, two careers that you know, lots
of drinking if you want it. So it just became
more and more a fabric of my life. And at
first it was all about fun, and then it started
(11:55):
also being my solution to stress, work stress. When I
became a mom, parenting stress, I decided when the kids
were three and four to quit my job to stay
home with them. But the witching hour you're all familiar
with that, like thirty seven thirty when the kids just
get really angry energy. I would just you know, anesthetize
(12:20):
myself through that. And then on the weekends when we
have a babysitter, I'd go out and I'd be like
so happy to be out. I would just binge drink
and I wouldn't stop drinking until I fell asleep, and
I would wake up with like a wine glass on
my nightstand, you know, and just like why did I
have to do that?
Speaker 6 (12:39):
So I didn't.
Speaker 7 (12:40):
I thought I could control it because on the weekdays
I kept it to two or three glasses. But when
I went out drinking and I went over that mark,
there was no stopping. So when I was single, which
I was for a long time, I had a marriage
at thirty five for a hot minute that didn't work out,
no surprise. I got married again at thirty nine, had
(13:00):
my kids at forty and forty one.
Speaker 6 (13:03):
So by forty five, I, after.
Speaker 7 (13:07):
A year of being at home with them and just
realizing like you cannot, I could not parent and drink
the way I wanted to drink, because I was putting
my kids in risky situations. We had a pool in
the backyard, and you know, I kept thinking, like I've
had a few drinks. What if one of the kids
falls and hits their head, I can't take them to
the er, Or what if I blew you know, then
(13:28):
child Protective Services. When I say blue, I mean, you know,
I bought if I got pulled over. I drove over
the Golden gate Bridge once when my son was a
baby and I'd forgotten to buckle his harness. This was
after a few drinks. One time, I went to breastfeed
him in the middle of the night, and normally I
would do it in the nursery, but I brought him
(13:48):
to bed and I passed out and I could have
smothered him, you know, And I woke up in a
full panic because I didn't even remember that I brought
him to bed. And the last time was we were
at a pool party and I was having my bottomless rose,
and you know, I kind of wanted my husband to
play parent because I'd been with them all week and
my son was noodling by, he was like five, noodling
(14:10):
by in the deep end, and I kind of made
a crack like don't make mommy put her wineglass down
to save you, and even drunk, I was like that,
what are you talking about. That's not even funny. So
I proceeded to get black out drunk in front of
the kids. Don't remember who put them to well, obviously
it wasn't me. I didn't feed them, put them to bed,
(14:30):
any of that stuff. And I woke up the next
morning and my husband wasn't in bed next to me
for the first time, and I was like, I have
to stop before something tragic happens.
Speaker 6 (14:43):
And you know it.
Speaker 7 (14:44):
I should have stopped for myself a long time ago,
because I had put myself in a bunch of precarious situations.
I took a three story fall and wound up in
a body cast with a broken back and a crushed
heel for weeks wound up in a body cast. But
I wasn't considering damage to myself worthy of stopping because
(15:07):
I got so much from alcohol. Still, but this kind
of like I crossed a line and said I have
to quit or I feel like my husband's going to
give me an ultimatum.
Speaker 6 (15:15):
God forbid I do anything to my kids. So this
was the long version.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Sorry, no, no, I mean these.
Speaker 8 (15:23):
Are I.
Speaker 7 (15:25):
Quit that day. That was fourteen years ago, and I
have stayed quit. And then I became sober Merry, and
I did not like sober Mary. She was boring and
insecure and lonely. And I had to go through that
transition of getting sober and it's I thought quitting drinking
was going to be it, but that's just the starting point.
(15:48):
So I had to go through all this renegotiating relationships
with friendships and family and myself creating a new identity.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Reading your book, I feel every chapter that I was reading,
I was feeling it myself, like, Wow, that's a tough situation.
If it were me, how would I share, Oh, I'm
not drinking anymore. I mean you had to. I felt
how hard that had to be to go through that
(16:21):
day by day by day. And you were with your
family who was used to use drinking with them, and
parents at school. And we left one part out of
this introduction, which is you live in Marin County where
there's wine everywhere everywhere. Yeah, and it sounds like the
drinking culture now we're not going to deny it. In Austin,
Texas is not a small thing. But it sounded like
(16:43):
it was even a little bit more there, like I
don't remember do you remember serving wine or champagne and
a birthday party for any of our children?
Speaker 3 (16:53):
I don't remember having alcohol.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Oh it's definitely at my fair share of children's birthday
parties and the adults were drinking. Oh really yeah?
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Oh okay? Is that well?
Speaker 9 (17:03):
That happens everything that happened all the time? Right, Well,
I read that that happened to you too, So it
had to be like to decide that one day, and
then how did you get through that?
Speaker 3 (17:16):
I know you did alcoholics anonymous? Is that right?
Speaker 5 (17:20):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (17:20):
That was huge.
Speaker 7 (17:21):
I'm such an extrovert that I really needed that external support.
I needed to be around other people who were going
through what I was going through. And I also really
needed an education about Like I walked into there still
not thinking I was an alcoholic, and by the time
that first meeting.
Speaker 6 (17:39):
Was done, I'm like, oh, yeah, that's me.
Speaker 7 (17:42):
Just about all the control I tried to put around it,
like I would try and drink just one big wine
glass at night, or that I would do like just
tiny little glasses and have three of them, or I'd
put ice in it to make it last long. Like
I was just obsessed, and I didn't understand that that
obsession was part of the disease or disorder or whatever
you want to call it.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Yes, can I ask? And were you hiding it?
Speaker 4 (18:06):
Not?
Speaker 6 (18:07):
Really?
Speaker 10 (18:08):
No?
Speaker 7 (18:08):
I mean it's kind of funny when I think back
at it. On the weeknights, I would like go back
into the fridge and quietly uncork the bottle to my
husband written here, But he wasn't. He wasn't concerned about
my weeknight drinking at all. It was the binge drinking
on the weekends that was the problem. I wasn't hiding
the drinking, but I was hiding the hangovers and the
blackouts and the constant obsession about Like the first thing
(18:33):
I thought about was, Okay, let's do an assessment. How
much would I drink last night? How am I feeling
right now? Did I make any stupid texts or phone
calls like check the phone and then avoid any conversation
with your husband that might have like come up about
like what are we doing today or something? So there
was a whole rigamarole around hiding that more than hiding
the drinking.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
And I assume that that makes things very stressful and
you weren't. You're not necessarily all the time, and clarity
is an issue about the day and the night before
and things like that.
Speaker 4 (19:06):
That was.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Something that I got from, you know, reading some part
of your book is that you know what I mean,
like you finally made the decision. And I guess one
of my questions is and a lot of people may
have family members who are alcoholics, and it's really like,
I'd love for you to speak to what was the
final I mean, you kind of just explained it, but like,
what was the final moment that you're like because you
(19:30):
I think people know that you have to want to
get sober, and no one can talk you into it.
No one can threaten you know. You know, they can
say I'm going to lose my family or my spouse
or you know, the kids may not talk to you
or whatever. But I mean, what was Can you tell
our audience what made it click for you that you're
now sober for fourteen years?
Speaker 6 (19:52):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (19:53):
It was getting I was realizing the next morning that
I had been black out drunk in front of my
kids and it would have been my job to feed them,
bathe them, rush their teeth, read them at bedtime, so
they were just four and five. Yeah, you know the
fact that I didn't have any recollection of that was
(20:14):
so terrifying to me. Now, granted, I knew my husband
was there to do it. It's not like I was
alone with them, but I just felt like, because alcoholism
is a pres progressive situation, I felt like this is
heading nowhere good and I knew my husband was, Like,
(20:35):
I just feared an ultimatum from him, and I wanted
to control this situation.
Speaker 6 (20:39):
I didn't want anybody else.
Speaker 7 (20:40):
To tell me what to do, and I knew the
concept outweighed the pros. It was kind of this measuring
game I was playing for years, and that was the
moment for me, and I just you know, I grew
up super Catholic and then fell away from that. But
I also fell away from like praying because I'm like,
I know, I'm drinking abusively and God's not going to
(21:01):
be in favor of that.
Speaker 6 (21:02):
So I kind of checked out on all that.
Speaker 7 (21:04):
But that morning, I just said, God, please help me
stay sober, get sober, stay sober. And luckily it's been
fourteen years.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
So yeah, that is great sure for our audience. I
know that at one point I saw you saw you.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
Took a quiz or something.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
There's a there's like ten things that you could you
you are an alcoholic, sort of like if you check
these boxes, just generally give us our audience an idea,
like if you look at some things that indicate you
need help at this point, just to be honest with yourself,
you're an alcoholic.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
Can you share some of those?
Speaker 6 (21:41):
Oh? Sure, gosh, I remember there.
Speaker 7 (21:43):
I think there were twelve questions, and I really tried
to give myself the benefit of the doubt whenever I could,
and I think I give yourself an a.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 7 (21:53):
So on that list was drinking alone, obsessing about drinking.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 7 (22:02):
I mean, if you think you have a problem, you
probably do. People who don't have a drinking problem don't
walk around wondering if they have a drinking problem not being.
Speaker 6 (22:12):
Able to control it.
Speaker 7 (22:14):
You know, lots of people can have a drink or
two and be done with it and not get that
phenomenon of craving. I certainly would get that craving and
would just have to keep at it. Yeah, blackout's a
super good sign that you're an alcoholic. It's also a
self diagnosing disease, So I would not label anybody else.
(22:36):
It's kind of up to you to decide whether you
are or not.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Gosh, what else I mean, that's that's a list right there. Yeah,
so yeah, that's good that I like.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
I think if you, if you question it at all,
then go check it out and say, let me look
into this more and seek find the other the right. Yeah,
and just because it is self diagnosing. So if you're
questioning that because you've had a drink every day this week,
or because I even read statistically health wise women can drink,
(23:09):
I can't drink that much and be healthy.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
I mean moderation.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Drink in moderation is what one drink.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Yeah, I haven't.
Speaker 6 (23:19):
I think it's five to seven a week.
Speaker 7 (23:21):
But I think it keeps reducing in size as they
learn more about.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
PACT because I've noticed, yeah, that that's the case. So
if you start questioning that yourself, then yeah, look into
it more and make that decision.
Speaker 6 (23:32):
And you're so easy.
Speaker 7 (23:33):
Now there's so many Instagram groups, Facebook groups, you can
just google it. I kind of never wanted to look
at that. I never wanted to educate myself because I
knew what the answer would be. So I until I
walked into that AA meeting, I was completely uneducated about alcoholism.
Speaker 6 (23:54):
But it doesn't have to be that way.
Speaker 7 (23:55):
You could educate yourself while you're still drinking and thinking about.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
It and yeah, and then yeah, maybe make the decision
if that has to happen. So I have a question,
only because it's personal to me, is that you know,
you're married and you have a husband, you have kids,
and when did the trust factor come back in? Do
you know what I mean? You've been sober for fourteen years,
is that correct?
Speaker 6 (24:19):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (24:19):
Yes, So when did the trust factor be in your
relationship come back in? You know, after you've watched the
program and this is the new Mary and you had
to reinvent yourself. And so tell us a little bit
about that, because a lot of people have family members
who are alcoholics, and you know, it gets very frustrating
(24:40):
when you're on the other end, and so I think
that's a popular thing that people want to know about.
Speaker 7 (24:47):
Yeah, I would say, you know, for those years in
our marriage where I was drinking, we were kind of
at opposite ends.
Speaker 6 (24:56):
I was very defensive.
Speaker 7 (24:57):
I would do something obnoxious when I was drinking, like
I was a happy drunk but I was loud and repetitive, right,
So we weren't getting into fights, but I was annoying,
according to him.
Speaker 6 (25:10):
So when I.
Speaker 7 (25:13):
Quit drinking, I was able to be honest with him,
and that really made us closer. So instead of justifying everything,
I was admitting the truth, and I told him how
how hard it is, Like I felt so much shame.
Speaker 6 (25:33):
That I didn't need anything He did.
Speaker 7 (25:35):
Was kind of in addition to what I was already
giving myself. So I, the alcoholic, was filled with shame
about being an alcoholic and about feeling so miserable and
hungover when I should have been present with our kids
in the mornings. You know how early they get up, right, Yes,
the last thing you want to be is hungover. So
because I stayed sober, we didn't have much trust issues.
(25:58):
I think it's harder when you have a partner who relapses.
I think that probably really eats away at the foundation.
I'd eaten away plenty at our foundation, but it was
recoverable and we both got really honest, and we had
it to navigate it together. Because he drinks, he doesn't
drink a lot, certainly not like I did, but he
(26:23):
was respectful and he said, is it okay if I.
Speaker 6 (26:26):
Have a drink or would you prefer I not?
Speaker 7 (26:28):
And I do remember pouring all the booze out of
the house and getting a little glee that I poured
his booze out to Greg Goose vodka, which I didn't
not today.
Speaker 6 (26:37):
Yeah, blah blah. Yeah, you're suffering with me, mister.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
It sounds great that he was respectful like that, because
it has to be hard when you can't drink, and
yet your spouse still can and does, and so it's
good that they can.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Yeah, And she mentioned a really important thing because relapse
is really a real thing. If you have studied alcoholism
or been through you know that you're you can be
just one day from relapsing. And this is you know,
You're never you're always working out it, You're always you know.
And so that's the thing. That's why it's so difficult.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
You're not cured, you're constantly dealing with it. Well, we
have some moms who have a lot of questions for you, Mary,
and they are our zoomer moms. So welcome zoomer moms.
Welcome to the mom's club. Heyo, home, ol, ladies. Well,
let me share our first one Anne, tell us a
little bit about yourself, where you're from, and do you
(27:32):
have a question for Mary?
Speaker 4 (27:36):
Hi, Nice to see you again, Monica, Nice to see you.
So my name is Ann.
Speaker 8 (27:42):
I am a step mom of five wonderful step children.
And let's see, I am an adult child of an alcoholic.
My mother was an alcoholic and I have actually never
(28:06):
had a drink. I just didn't like the taste and
I really didn't like the way my mother acted.
Speaker 4 (28:17):
I felt like she was never there for me, and
I did not want to be like her. I have
been in recovery for over twenty five years. I am
a grateful member of alan On, and because of my
(28:42):
mother's alcoholism, I became severely codependent. In other words, I
knew what was best for me, for you and every
single person I came in con with, and I could
manipulate and control like no one's business. And that is actually, uh,
(29:10):
if you study codey pendants, it is actually the very
first disease that we ever get before alcoholism, before drug addiction.
I have been married four times. All four of my
husbands have been alcoholics, and I will say there is
(29:30):
nothing like an alcoholic to be married to.
Speaker 10 (29:36):
They are so much fun.
Speaker 4 (29:38):
I just loved every single one of them, and really
I would do it all over again if I had to.
So I want to ask a question of.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Mary and Mary.
Speaker 4 (29:57):
My question is, as I I surmise over my own
recovery of over twenty five years, my realization has been
that in recovery sometimes alcoholics or drug addicts will substitute
(30:18):
a new addiction to take place of drugs or alcohol,
for example.
Speaker 10 (30:23):
Food or.
Speaker 4 (30:29):
Just control or even I mean really codependants.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
I have just noticed that in.
Speaker 4 (30:37):
Because all of my husbands have been in recovery, and
I even married my last husband. He was a he
had a master's in drug addiction and alcoholism, and he
really didn't need to be doing that, which is just
my codependent opinion.
Speaker 10 (30:59):
So I was just can you speak to that?
Speaker 7 (31:02):
Yeah, First of all, I can relate to being controlling
and manipulative, because that's the sign of an alcoholic as
well or a symptom. That's something I continue to work
on to this day. I do have the same addiction
with sugar. I just it's funny when I drink. I'm like,
(31:22):
I don't have a sweet tooth. I never want to
dessert because I drank my dessert wine or champagne.
Speaker 6 (31:26):
It never included into me that that was all sugar.
Speaker 7 (31:29):
So I'm doing better with my sugar addiction, especially now
that my kids are just I'm just an empty nester
by one week less than a week, so all that
sugar went out of the house. I am obsessive, compulsive
a little bit like. I love puzzles now, but if
I start a puzzle, I will be there till my
neck is broken. So I get it. Don't really have
(31:54):
any other addictions that popped up, and I'm feeling pretty
good about my My sugar addiction is e Bay.
Speaker 10 (32:02):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
Sure you know sugar addiction is a tough one too.
I think we need to talk about that on the
future show.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
That's a whole separate show.
Speaker 1 (32:12):
Yeah, welcome to the Mom's Club. Tell us a little
bit about yourself, and do you have.
Speaker 3 (32:16):
A question for Mary?
Speaker 10 (32:22):
Hello? Is that me?
Speaker 3 (32:23):
Yes?
Speaker 10 (32:23):
Michelle, you look so beautiful over there with that bank.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
Thank you.
Speaker 11 (32:32):
So my question for you, well, first, let me say this,
I congratulate you for overcoming and continuing to be an overcomer.
Speaker 10 (32:42):
Because that is a day by day work.
Speaker 11 (32:46):
I remember when I used to smoke cigarettes and I'm
years past it. And I used to drink me a
little bit of beer, and I love beer so much.
I had like the best taste, and when God took
it away from me, I was angry with him because
I felt like I finally found something I could fall
in love with, and now you got to taste in
like water?
Speaker 10 (33:04):
Why would you do that to me?
Speaker 11 (33:05):
But I congratulate you because it is a day by
day work out your own soul salvation.
Speaker 10 (33:12):
My question to you would be statement question. When I
was younger, I was very, very.
Speaker 11 (33:21):
Angry with my mother for being en abler to my father,
who was an alcoholic who would beat the living daylights
out of me and didn't protect me. So my question
would be, was any of your children ever angry with you.
Speaker 10 (33:40):
Or maybe angry with.
Speaker 11 (33:42):
The father for allowing you to be this alcoholic so
long in their life that they missed out on the
goodness of their years. Did you ever experience anything with
the children because my father, the statement would be what
my father is? I said, Well, he had an excuse,
(34:05):
he was an alcoholic, but my mother didn't have an excuse.
Speaker 10 (34:09):
But me, being older now looking at life for what
it presents, I understand being enabler is a disease within
itself when you're married to an alcoholic, But a child
does not know that when they're younger.
Speaker 11 (34:24):
All they see is mom is allowing dad to beat
the crap out of me. Mom is allowing dad to
fall out in.
Speaker 10 (34:33):
Front of everyone.
Speaker 11 (34:34):
In front of everyone, Mom is allowing dad to be
obnoxious and curse all our friends out and put everybody out.
Speaker 10 (34:41):
So did you ever experience anything like that?
Speaker 7 (34:44):
So my kids were only four and five when I
got sober, and I kept that kind of drinking away
from them. Okay, God for babysitters. You know, my husband
was not an enabler. If if I crossed the line,
he let me know it. You know, there was one
time that I drove home. I always used to say buzzed, right, buzzed,
(35:08):
meaning I've had a few drinks, but it's drunk.
Speaker 6 (35:10):
But I didn't feel the.
Speaker 7 (35:12):
Kids were at home with him. But he could tell
when I came in that I was kind of like
this a little bit, and he just was like, you
cannot do that. You have children, you cannot do that.
So he wasn't an enabler. And I do remember thinking like,
I really have to curb this before they have a
memory of me being like this, you know, so I'm
(35:36):
and I asked the kids now, and they don't remember
any occasions. So I think I think I might have
escaped that.
Speaker 10 (35:44):
How were you pretty deal with that?
Speaker 11 (35:47):
I wrote a book called Nobody Ever Told Me, so
I have all the memories of everything father.
Speaker 6 (35:53):
I've heard about that book, and I can't relate to you.
Speaker 7 (35:55):
My father had a really short temper and he would
like stick his fingers in the mashed potatoes, and if
they weren't hot enough, he would get mad at my
mother to go reheat them. And I didn't have any
power over that situation, and it drove me crazy.
Speaker 6 (36:10):
And I would ask my mom, why do you let
him do that to you?
Speaker 7 (36:13):
And she would say I know who I married, and
my engaging is not going to make it any better,
It's only going to make it worse.
Speaker 6 (36:21):
So that kind of tore me up.
Speaker 3 (36:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
You talking about children. So your kids were young when
you became sober, but they became teenagers, and we know
how tough it is with alcohol and kids. How did
you handle that with your own children? Get a question,
tell you'll do you address that? Well?
Speaker 7 (36:39):
I wanted to be honest with them at an age
appropriate level because it is hereditary. My sister is sober.
My grandmother was an alcoholic. I have a few uncles
on the other side who are in alcoholics. So when
I was little, I told them I went to mommy meetings.
When they were middle school, I got more honest with them.
(37:04):
Certainly by eighth grade, I was completely transparent with them
any questions they had. I just wanted it to be
a real open book and tell them that they needed
to keep their guard up, to be aware that they might.
Speaker 6 (37:15):
You know, I read a statistic. Don't quote me on it, but.
Speaker 7 (37:20):
If one parent is an alcoholic, you have a forty
percent chance your kid does. If both, you have an
eighty percent chance. So so it was. It has been
an open conversation. It's hard for me to watch them
live their lives. I don't want to tell their story,
but I just kind of do a lot of this.
(37:42):
You know that they make it through, especially between now
and the age of twenty five before their brains are
fully formed. So yeah, I try to be a good
example of what not to be. But I also tell
them to wear sunscreen because I have skin cancer and
they don't do that either.
Speaker 3 (38:00):
Yeah, we can totally empathize.
Speaker 1 (38:03):
Yes, we all experienced the challenges of all of that
rock sand Welcome to the Mom's Club. Tell us your name,
where you're from, and a little bit about yourself and
do you have a question.
Speaker 3 (38:13):
Yes, I do.
Speaker 12 (38:13):
My name's Roxanne Davis and I live in Austin, Texas.
I'm a single mom of a former micro Premies so
that probably fueled my alcohol drinking. He was born a
pound and four ounces and that was unraveling. Then three
weeks after he came home, my divorce ensued and Deep
(38:36):
Betty Vodka became my go to h and still, I
mean I still drink I have. You know what you
say in your book that you're you had champagne at
your five year old's party. Well, my kid wants to
have his birthday parties at a place called Margarita's, so it's.
Speaker 3 (38:55):
Venue.
Speaker 12 (38:55):
They have a big treehouse, and so you know, everybody's
drinking at his birthday party. But you talk about a
lot in your book, and one of which is being
a chameleon. You were the sixth child out of seven,
which you know they always say the third child always
has the issue or the middle child has the issues,
(39:15):
but you were the sixth of the seventh, and you
constantly became a chameleon, taking your friend's identities. When you
found something in them that you loved, you would take
their identity, well not their identity, but you would, yeah,
fall in basically fall in line. And that was very
interesting to me. Did you ever, through your sobriety, understand
(39:39):
why you did that, because you know, I worry about
my son being an only child without a father figure
in any aspect does he have that? But becoming that
chameleon being like somebody, you know, I see some traits
in him where he tries to be like his friends
and stuff. So that was very interesting when I kept
(39:59):
reading about the continued people in your life from age
five up to sixteen.
Speaker 6 (40:07):
Yeah, that had to do with a lack of self acceptance.
Speaker 7 (40:10):
I've always felt lesser than that, my own aura, my
own personality wasn't enough, and so I would kind of
grab onto these shiny lights and be like, oh, I
want to be like them. And it wasn't until I
got sober and did the work, you know, for me
that was twelve steps, going to therapy, talking to sober
(40:30):
friends that I realized that I am enough, and I
started to enjoy my own company. So it's the self
acceptance piece that eluded me for so long that maybe
that's what your son is experiencing.
Speaker 6 (40:44):
I'm not sure.
Speaker 3 (40:46):
It's a testing.
Speaker 1 (40:47):
Well, Jane, welcome to the Mom's Club. Tell us your name,
where you're from, a little bit about yourself, and do
you have a question for Mary.
Speaker 5 (40:55):
Yes, my name is Jane.
Speaker 10 (40:57):
I'm from Nashville.
Speaker 5 (40:59):
I gave alcohol forty five, started a twelve step program.
Speaker 6 (41:03):
Uh, the world has opened up.
Speaker 5 (41:05):
I come from a long line, a long line of alcoholics,
and I can identify with every single thing you've said.
I have a question about two things. Two things actually
in your lifestyle.
Speaker 2 (41:23):
Hi guys, So your mic is.
Speaker 6 (41:25):
Sounding a little muffled?
Speaker 2 (41:26):
Is there anything covering your mic?
Speaker 9 (41:28):
Potentially?
Speaker 5 (41:30):
No?
Speaker 10 (41:30):
Are you using your computer? Are you using an actual microphone?
I'm using my computer. You might just have to project
a little louder then there's.
Speaker 2 (41:41):
Yeah, it's sounding a little bit muffled.
Speaker 5 (41:43):
I'm hang on, let me do this one second. I'm
gonna put in my AirPods. We'll see if that works better.
Speaker 2 (41:49):
Yeah, hold on, that'll probably help. Thank you so much. Hello, Hey,
there you are.
Speaker 3 (42:00):
Okay, let her start over.
Speaker 1 (42:04):
I'll just say, Jane, welcome to the Mom's tell us
a little bit about yourself, and.
Speaker 3 (42:09):
Do you have a question for Mary?
Speaker 5 (42:12):
Take three?
Speaker 2 (42:13):
Yeah?
Speaker 13 (42:13):
He let you can hear me now right?
Speaker 8 (42:15):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (42:16):
Yes?
Speaker 10 (42:16):
Great?
Speaker 6 (42:17):
Okay?
Speaker 13 (42:19):
So Mary, from one alcoholic to another. First of all,
how did you tell the people at work and were
they appalled? Did you lose?
Speaker 12 (42:29):
Did you quit?
Speaker 13 (42:30):
Get an invited to parties? How did you manage that?
And then the other thing is, while we've talked a
lot about unplugging ways to eliminate stress, you and I
don't have that luxury anymore. To go on, cork a
bottle and pour a little glass of wine and chill
out with everybody. In my case of be watching the
(42:50):
chickens in the backyard, I'm now a chicken mother. But
how do you unwind?
Speaker 7 (42:58):
That is a great question, because I, I uh do
get pent up with stress still. So instead of that
glass of wine, I will take a nice walk. I
got a dog a few years ago. That's very calming,
Take a nice bubble bath, watch a good show, read
(43:20):
a People magazine, just slow down, do a puzzle. Puzzles
and gardening have become my zen meditation, Like I can't
chill myself enough to meditate, but if I can do
something like that, that calms me down. Even something ridiculous
like unloading the dishwasher, I find calmbing for some reason.
(43:44):
And as far as telling other people, so I had
quit my job a year before, so I didn't have
to tell anybody at work, but I had developed this
mom squad of local moms. I became like the PTA president.
You know, I still have all that producer energy. So
I was very connected to my community and the whole
(44:07):
mom squad. The whole PTA was riddled with alcohol, so
that was very awkward for me. When the go to
gift for me for doing something, they'd give me a
bottle of wine, you know, And so what's my choice.
I either say I don't drink and make them uncomfortable,
or I take the wine and give it to somebody else.
When I told my closest mom friend here in town,
(44:30):
it did not go well. She and I bonded. I
think our first playdate was Marguerite's in my backyard, and
she just kind of ghosted me, questioned me, said, you know,
you don't drink any more than I do, and I
was so disheartened by that, you know, it was really difficult.
(44:52):
Other friends, the majority of my friends who had had
for longer term just listened with caring ears and were
very supportive.
Speaker 2 (45:01):
Yeah. That hurts my heart a little bit. I really
hear you say that.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
You feel what Maybe she felt a little bit convicted
herself by that, But because that's if you're drinking the
same amount and you're going there, maybe you're maybe she
felt inwardly, maybe she should be going there too, you know, yeah.
Speaker 7 (45:21):
Yeah, quite possibly, quite possibly, And or she just didn't
want to hang out with somebody that she was going
to feel self conscious around drinking.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
Yeah, yeah, good point, good point for sure. Definitely. Let
me ask a question about You've mentioned a little bit
of humor in this book too, So tell us some
of the you know, some of the humorous parts to uncourt.
Speaker 7 (45:44):
Okay, So, I think you have a tagline if you
if you don't laugh, you're gonna cry.
Speaker 3 (45:49):
Right.
Speaker 7 (45:49):
So I went to a three year old birthday party
and this this friend of mine, she lived about an
hour away, and I never wanted to go down to
her house because I didn't want to drink and then
have to drive home but b it was just a
long drive. So I showed up for her party a
one week sober, and she pulls this bottle of Chardonnay
(46:10):
out of the cooler, like ice dripping, like my mouth
still water thinking about it, and she's like, look what
I got just for you for coming all this away.
And I was like, ah, so she I'm like, no, no,
I can't, and she's like why not, And I'm like,
what am I going to tell her? I'm not ready
to spill my guts, So I said I have a
bladder infection. So she's like, oh, okay, I got you.
(46:34):
And she's like, I'm sure I have some cranberry juice
in here somewhere and this juice box for the three
year olds at the party, and that's what I had
to drink. And I was just like so, I felt
so shameful, Like it was hard enough to walk into
that party sober because everybody was drinking, but to walk
around with the juicy juice box. I just felt like
such an idiot. And I felt like everyone was looking
(46:56):
at me.
Speaker 2 (46:56):
I mean, Mary, I thought you were going to say
she made your granberry vodka, like are little? I thought
that's where you're going with this like the cure for
the Yeah, well, Mary, thank you.
Speaker 1 (47:07):
So this has been a great show. We really appreciate it.
Where can they find your book and can you just
show yeah, show us your book?
Speaker 6 (47:14):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 7 (47:15):
This is it Courked a memoir of letting go and
staying over and this is me falling off that wall.
Speaker 2 (47:22):
Yeah, it was like, what is the picture about?
Speaker 7 (47:24):
I fell and wound up breaking my back in the hospital.
And you can get it off of Amazon or anywhere.
You can ask for it at any local bookstore.
Speaker 2 (47:34):
Is there an audiobook yet?
Speaker 6 (47:36):
Not yet? I'm yeah, I'm They usually record those a
few months later. So great, great, I'm eagerly awaiting my
opportunity to do that.
Speaker 2 (47:43):
I love that. I mean, sharing your story has been
amazing and I think that all of us can relate
a little bit to what you have to say, and
it is, like I said, it is critically important for
people to learn about this.
Speaker 1 (47:56):
Well, And thank you Zoomers for all for you all
share your story as well. This has been a really
great episode because I feel like everybody has really gotten
a lot out of it and was able to share
a lot, and that's what it's been an amazing show.
As we say here in the Moms Club, Well, thank you,
thank you to our sponsors, thank you to Newcom.
Speaker 3 (48:15):
Which we absolutely love.
Speaker 1 (48:17):
If Julie and I travel together and we have to
share a room and so it's difficult to sleep sometimes
because some people snore, and so we use.
Speaker 2 (48:26):
I've asked you, we use the term kitten per.
Speaker 1 (48:29):
Some people any very loud anytime. People can't sleep anyway.
So Newcom is a great solution for that. It is
and it's an app. You can put Mom's Club in
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percent off every month.
Speaker 3 (48:43):
Of your subscription. And it only works for.
Speaker 1 (48:45):
Sleep, it works for focus, energy, creativity. We can't say
enough about it. You spell it in you c a
l M. Definitely check out Newcom and please join us
at all of our live events. We're we're bringing moms
together from.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
All over the country.
Speaker 1 (49:02):
It's credit com Tourage. You bring your mom Toourage or
your mom squad or yeah, whatever group of moms you
have together and join us live. We are going to
have events in Nashville, Atlanta, North Dallas, and Shreveport coming up.
Check the Inside the Mom's Club website for your local
event dates and they're going to be fun, free and informative.
(49:22):
We will have a great speaker, we have prizes. It's
a lot of fun. It's a good opportunity to get
together with other moms. And there are limited tickets available,
So when you have the opportunity, secure your ticket at
Insidethemom's Club dot com. Thank you so much, Julie. As always,
this has gone by way too fast. It was so
informative and so great and it is.
Speaker 3 (49:41):
A great book.
Speaker 1 (49:42):
I loved I really did enjoy reading the book.
Speaker 3 (49:45):
Yeah, I definitely recommend that.
Speaker 2 (49:47):
Yeah, so it's well done.
Speaker 1 (49:49):
Yeah, so next time we will remember our motto, Mom's Club,
please do. If you don't last sometimes, Julie, what happens.
Speaker 2 (49:58):
Oh my lord, you are going to crack.
Speaker 3 (50:00):
You are gonna cry.
Speaker 1 (50:00):
So keep laughing out there, moms. We're going to see
you next time. Inside the Mom's Blood
Welcome, Mom's Welcome inside the Mom's Club. I'm your host,
Monica Samuels, and I'm here with my co host, Julie Orchid.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
My friend. How are you?
Speaker 1 (00:09):
I am wonderful, you know, Mom's Club. It's going It's
just we're going crazy and our social.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Media is doing really well.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
I mean I'm having fun.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
I mean, you're hilarious. Let's just put it that way. Yeah,
you just had a couple out there that have made
me cackle out loud so well.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
I introduced today hoa Mom. That's funny, mom Mom influencer failed.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Because that's reality. Yes, yeah, the hoa Mom is no joke.
We have those ladies in our neighborhood. And I'm a
little worried that you might that might be real that
I've embraced the character to maybe.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
I don't know, you did it so kind of enjoy
it with my megaphone and my my binoculars. Yeah, no,
I think it's pretty fun. Yeah, we're having a great time.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Your career is just booming, just so you know, Oh,
thank you, thank you.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
What's fun doing all this?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
I know, and it's fun to getting all these women
together from all over the country.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
I mean just it's.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Just it's very powerful, amazing, it's amazing, and I would
be nowhere without my the girlfriends that I have, Especially
in the last five years, it's really you know, hit
the roof as far as needing everybody, and I think
a lot of people have been through stuff and sometimes
(01:22):
you know, addiction creeps its ugly head.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Well, you know, let's remember as we get into that subject.
Of course we're going to be talking about that today,
but let's remember one of the now we were friends.
Our kids graduated in twenty twenty, so yeah, that was
kind of wrap the pandemic.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
I remember where we were, well, their last I sure do.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
The last day of school. We didn't know it was
going to be the last day of school.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
We thought, literally, oh, they're going to have a couple
of days off. They have to shut the school down today,
but back on Monday, we'll be back.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
We were literally at a baseball game, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
My son's baseball game, and an event that I came
up with the record. It was my idea Diamond Day
at St.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Andrew's school. I created that. Those our last big carnival
kind of fun thing.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Yeah, raising money all of that, and so we decided, hey,
it's the last day, not the last day, but well
they shut it down. So what did we go do?
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Shut down school?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
So we said, hey, let's have a margarita party at
Monica's house. What all Now that we look back on that,
the pictures we took and how we acted and all
that stuff, it's like sounds sick.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
You know, we're celebrating.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
We're about to go into a serious pandemic where we
didn't know all that, but it didn't.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yeah. Yeah, so we're definitely day drinking.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
She made her famous margarita's and we floated around the
pool drinking margarita's. We did then when it became clear
that no, this is a real deal. We are now
stuck in our homes and really not able to communicate
with you see each other, Yeah, we then came up with, hey,
let's have zoom cocktail hour.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Yeah, because so what were we going to do at
the time. We still needed to see each other, we
still needed to have fun, you know. But then we
came isolated in our homes and we reached out together.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
But you know, then it dawned on me one day,
during one of those events we were having together, I thought,
I'm sitting here on a zoom call, really drinking by myself. Yeah,
talking to a screen. I mean I was talking to
you all, but it just was like, that's it's different.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
That was not good.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Yeah, And there were so many people that we knew
right that that party never stopped.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
I mean it was just for me for sure.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
I can't really speak. I mean, most of you are
pretty good. Out of our group, there's five of us,
and some of us don't drink anymore for health reasons.
And you know you are doing excellent on you know,
working out and being good except the sour cream and
onion martini that you claim as good.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
But oh boy, well, some drinks will just cure you
forever forever.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
Yeah, I hope forever.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
I was in.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
A dinner the other night and I tried the sour
cream and onion martini.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
I can't. Every time we talk about it, I throw
up a little.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
Did not get well after that.
Speaker 5 (04:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
Yeah, but.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
What we've learned, I mean through all that, don't you
feel like drinking turned into too much of a social
thing when there could be so many more wonderful things
to do.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Yeah, I don't involve that true.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Where our friend group is going. Yeah, and where we're
trying to lead Julie.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
And I totally agree. But listen, you're not in my boat.
Like when you're newly dating out and you're out there,
I mean, that's become a thing, and then you're traveling,
and so I've taken a hard look at it recently
where you know, I need to you know, back off
of it a little bit or you know what I mean.
So I I think about it, you know, talk about it.
But there's a lot in life too, Like in the
(05:05):
past five years, you know, you get diagnosed with something,
I had a divorce, my children moved away. These are
all things that you know what I mean, can kick
in something that you either don't really want to think about,
or you know what I mean, that can maybe possibly
cause you drinking more than normal. That's all I have
(05:26):
to say. I think it's truthful now that you're being truthful.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Yeah, I just think also that's a crutch.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Right what alcohol?
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Well, sure, but but I feel you think it makes
you feel better right a difficult time when like Okay,
if I drink that, well, I'm more relaxed.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Well, it definitely takes away clarity, might not yeah.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
But really, ultimately it's not.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
It's not good for us, Yes, and it's really difficult.
There's a couple things about that too. Being married to
someone who is an alcoholic. You know, that's always something
you have to look at because you have families, you
have kids involved, and this can really do intense damage
to your relationships, whether it's a friendship, a child, a husband,
(06:16):
you know, anything that along those lines. So, I mean,
I think it's it happens to a lot of people.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Well, it does for sure. And as I've said on
previous shows, my grandfather was an alcoholic, yes, which and
he would beat my grandmother because he was an alcoholic.
And sometimes my mom's family a lot of them just
didn't drink.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Because they saw that. So they knew that.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
But I had to tell my kids when they were
going to college. I'd say, you know, it's genetic. Yeah,
so you need to you know, you're playing Russian roulette here.
You've got a fifty to fifty chance that unlike your
college friends, yeah, pay attention, could be drinking forever exactly.
(07:03):
In fact, one of my sons, one of his roommates,
he finally he said, Mom, he's an alcoholic. And the
reason they figured it out they could tell he wasn't
going to class.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
He was drinking all the time.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
One night he went in there and destroyed one of
their bathrooms in their towerhouse.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
Like destroyed it.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
There was blood everywhere, and he didn't remember it and
denied it the next day.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
And my son was like, that's God's so dangerous an alcoholic.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
And then so I'm just I mean, I don't want
to sound like Carrie Nation here, you know. I was like,
but I don't know that alcohol what good is it.
Speaker 3 (07:41):
Ever really done? Really?
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Yeah, you know, there's better ways to live our lives.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
It's a good question. And you bring up a point
to that, like recently, I would say, in the past
two years, we've had some situations where moms have lost
their life and you know, and you know, to alcoholism.
And I think it's a silent epidemic. Maybe we don't
talk about it enough or bring it to the surface.
(08:09):
It's kind of a secret sometimes it is.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
And yeah, you're absolutely right, Well let's discuss it.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Yes, let's learn more about this disease.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Has had experience with it and has come out the
other side and has some great message.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
And I mean, what courage. Oh, So the book that
she's written, I mean, you can't wait to I have
not quite finished it yet, so this will definitely Yeah,
after speaking today, we're gonna you know, yeah, No, it's great,
We'll pushing it.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
She was a television writer, producer for HGTV, the Food
Network and some other media outlets, and today is sharing
her personal and powerful story of alcoholism, recovery and reinventing
her life at forty five. Her book, which is number
one on Amazon and alcohol Alcoholism and Recovery, is called Corked,
(09:00):
a Memoir of letting Go and starting over. Please welcome
Mary Ellis Stevens. Mary, Welcome to the mosque.
Speaker 6 (09:09):
Hi guys, so great to be here.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
Thanks for having me, Thank you for being here.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
I mean, you got sober and had to approach menopause,
which is a conversation.
Speaker 7 (09:19):
Can you show you guys talking about the pandemic that
was so rough on my sobriety. I kind of followed
a friend into sobriety. She was a couple of years
ahead of me, and she chose the pandemic to start
drinking again, and I thought, I mean, it pulled the
rug out from under me. I did not think I
was going to get through that, but I did. But
for you, there are so many triggers out there in
(09:41):
life relationships, menopause, pandemic, you name it.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Well that yeah, because I think that's what happens. Sometimes
there is that trigger. You can get through it and
you're not drinking for a while, and then something happens
and then you start again, and so you have to
figure work your way beyond that. Well, share with our
audience your story just I mean, it's a long story
because briefly, yeah, how did you become So?
Speaker 7 (10:08):
I grew up in an Irish Catholic family. I'm one
of seven kids. Drinking was always kind of highlighted for
you know, Cocktail hour was the big deal in our family,
and I was my dad's bartender's assistant since I was
maybe four or five.
Speaker 6 (10:25):
When I was you know, he'd put me up.
Speaker 7 (10:27):
On a high chair and I'd get to put the
Marchino cherries in the Manhattan's or the Olives and the martinis.
Speaker 6 (10:33):
I had my first drink at sixteen.
Speaker 7 (10:36):
I was a super awkward, self conscious teenager and really
wanted to fit in. And I had my first doctor
big gulp of Bacardi and coke at a party and
all that self consciousness went away, and I became fun
Mary and I became the life of the party.
Speaker 6 (10:55):
I could talk easily and flirt.
Speaker 7 (10:57):
And people thought I was funny. I met super cute
guy and we started making out. I'm like, this is perfect,
and then I had to run to a cornfield and
barf my head off, and then I'm like, this is it.
Speaker 6 (11:09):
This is the new me. I'm set.
Speaker 7 (11:11):
So drinking became my social solution. Then I went away
to college, and of course I went to San Diego State,
little party school there, and drinking was the way to
make fast friends, and everybody was well, everybody I hung
out with was drinking excessively, so I just said, nothing
to see here. You know, everybody's throwing up the day
(11:33):
after and super hungover. And then I kept having to
justify it. You know, I was a young professional working
in television and advertising, two careers that you know, lots
of drinking if you want it. So it just became
more and more a fabric of my life. And at
first it was all about fun, and then it started
(11:55):
also being my solution to stress, work stress. When I
became a mom, parenting stress, I decided when the kids
were three and four to quit my job to stay
home with them. But the witching hour you're all familiar
with that, like thirty seven thirty when the kids just
get really angry energy. I would just you know, anesthetize
(12:20):
myself through that. And then on the weekends when we
have a babysitter, I'd go out and I'd be like
so happy to be out. I would just binge drink
and I wouldn't stop drinking until I fell asleep, and
I would wake up with like a wine glass on
my nightstand, you know, and just like why did I
have to do that?
Speaker 6 (12:39):
So I didn't.
Speaker 7 (12:40):
I thought I could control it because on the weekdays
I kept it to two or three glasses. But when
I went out drinking and I went over that mark,
there was no stopping. So when I was single, which
I was for a long time, I had a marriage
at thirty five for a hot minute that didn't work out,
no surprise. I got married again at thirty nine, had
(13:00):
my kids at forty and forty one.
Speaker 6 (13:03):
So by forty five, I, after.
Speaker 7 (13:07):
A year of being at home with them and just
realizing like you cannot, I could not parent and drink
the way I wanted to drink, because I was putting
my kids in risky situations. We had a pool in
the backyard, and you know, I kept thinking, like I've
had a few drinks. What if one of the kids
falls and hits their head, I can't take them to
the er, Or what if I blew you know, then
(13:28):
child Protective Services. When I say blue, I mean, you know,
I bought if I got pulled over. I drove over
the Golden gate Bridge once when my son was a
baby and I'd forgotten to buckle his harness. This was
after a few drinks. One time, I went to breastfeed
him in the middle of the night, and normally I
would do it in the nursery, but I brought him
(13:48):
to bed and I passed out and I could have
smothered him, you know, And I woke up in a
full panic because I didn't even remember that I brought
him to bed. And the last time was we were
at a pool party and I was having my bottomless rose,
and you know, I kind of wanted my husband to
play parent because I'd been with them all week and
my son was noodling by, he was like five, noodling
(14:10):
by in the deep end, and I kind of made
a crack like don't make mommy put her wineglass down
to save you, and even drunk, I was like that,
what are you talking about. That's not even funny. So
I proceeded to get black out drunk in front of
the kids. Don't remember who put them to well, obviously
it wasn't me. I didn't feed them, put them to bed,
(14:30):
any of that stuff. And I woke up the next
morning and my husband wasn't in bed next to me
for the first time, and I was like, I have
to stop before something tragic happens.
Speaker 6 (14:43):
And you know it.
Speaker 7 (14:44):
I should have stopped for myself a long time ago,
because I had put myself in a bunch of precarious situations.
I took a three story fall and wound up in
a body cast with a broken back and a crushed
heel for weeks wound up in a body cast. But
I wasn't considering damage to myself worthy of stopping because
(15:07):
I got so much from alcohol. Still, but this kind
of like I crossed a line and said I have
to quit or I feel like my husband's going to
give me an ultimatum.
Speaker 6 (15:15):
God forbid I do anything to my kids. So this
was the long version.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Sorry, no, no, I mean these.
Speaker 8 (15:23):
Are I.
Speaker 7 (15:25):
Quit that day. That was fourteen years ago, and I
have stayed quit. And then I became sober Merry, and
I did not like sober Mary. She was boring and
insecure and lonely. And I had to go through that
transition of getting sober and it's I thought quitting drinking
was going to be it, but that's just the starting point.
(15:48):
So I had to go through all this renegotiating relationships
with friendships and family and myself creating a new identity.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Reading your book, I feel every chapter that I was reading,
I was feeling it myself, like, Wow, that's a tough situation.
If it were me, how would I share, Oh, I'm
not drinking anymore. I mean you had to. I felt
how hard that had to be to go through that
(16:21):
day by day by day. And you were with your
family who was used to use drinking with them, and
parents at school. And we left one part out of
this introduction, which is you live in Marin County where
there's wine everywhere everywhere. Yeah, and it sounds like the
drinking culture now we're not going to deny it. In Austin,
Texas is not a small thing. But it sounded like
(16:43):
it was even a little bit more there, like I
don't remember do you remember serving wine or champagne and
a birthday party for any of our children?
Speaker 3 (16:53):
I don't remember having alcohol.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Oh it's definitely at my fair share of children's birthday
parties and the adults were drinking. Oh really yeah?
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Oh okay? Is that well?
Speaker 9 (17:03):
That happens everything that happened all the time? Right, Well,
I read that that happened to you too, So it
had to be like to decide that one day, and
then how did you get through that?
Speaker 3 (17:16):
I know you did alcoholics anonymous? Is that right?
Speaker 5 (17:20):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (17:20):
That was huge.
Speaker 7 (17:21):
I'm such an extrovert that I really needed that external support.
I needed to be around other people who were going
through what I was going through. And I also really
needed an education about Like I walked into there still
not thinking I was an alcoholic, and by the time
that first meeting.
Speaker 6 (17:39):
Was done, I'm like, oh, yeah, that's me.
Speaker 7 (17:42):
Just about all the control I tried to put around it,
like I would try and drink just one big wine
glass at night, or that I would do like just
tiny little glasses and have three of them, or I'd
put ice in it to make it last long. Like
I was just obsessed, and I didn't understand that that
obsession was part of the disease or disorder or whatever
you want to call it.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Yes, can I ask? And were you hiding it?
Speaker 4 (18:06):
Not?
Speaker 6 (18:07):
Really?
Speaker 10 (18:08):
No?
Speaker 7 (18:08):
I mean it's kind of funny when I think back
at it. On the weeknights, I would like go back
into the fridge and quietly uncork the bottle to my
husband written here, But he wasn't. He wasn't concerned about
my weeknight drinking at all. It was the binge drinking
on the weekends that was the problem. I wasn't hiding
the drinking, but I was hiding the hangovers and the
blackouts and the constant obsession about Like the first thing
(18:33):
I thought about was, Okay, let's do an assessment. How
much would I drink last night? How am I feeling
right now? Did I make any stupid texts or phone
calls like check the phone and then avoid any conversation
with your husband that might have like come up about
like what are we doing today or something? So there
was a whole rigamarole around hiding that more than hiding
the drinking.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
And I assume that that makes things very stressful and
you weren't. You're not necessarily all the time, and clarity
is an issue about the day and the night before
and things like that.
Speaker 4 (19:06):
That was.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Something that I got from, you know, reading some part
of your book is that you know what I mean,
like you finally made the decision. And I guess one
of my questions is and a lot of people may
have family members who are alcoholics, and it's really like,
I'd love for you to speak to what was the
final I mean, you kind of just explained it, but like,
what was the final moment that you're like because you
(19:30):
I think people know that you have to want to
get sober, and no one can talk you into it.
No one can threaten you know. You know, they can
say I'm going to lose my family or my spouse
or you know, the kids may not talk to you
or whatever. But I mean, what was Can you tell
our audience what made it click for you that you're
now sober for fourteen years?
Speaker 6 (19:52):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (19:53):
It was getting I was realizing the next morning that
I had been black out drunk in front of my
kids and it would have been my job to feed them,
bathe them, rush their teeth, read them at bedtime, so
they were just four and five. Yeah, you know the
fact that I didn't have any recollection of that was
(20:14):
so terrifying to me. Now, granted, I knew my husband
was there to do it. It's not like I was
alone with them, but I just felt like, because alcoholism
is a pres progressive situation, I felt like this is
heading nowhere good and I knew my husband was, Like,
(20:35):
I just feared an ultimatum from him, and I wanted
to control this situation.
Speaker 6 (20:39):
I didn't want anybody else.
Speaker 7 (20:40):
To tell me what to do, and I knew the
concept outweighed the pros. It was kind of this measuring
game I was playing for years, and that was the
moment for me, and I just you know, I grew
up super Catholic and then fell away from that. But
I also fell away from like praying because I'm like,
I know, I'm drinking abusively and God's not going to
(21:01):
be in favor of that.
Speaker 6 (21:02):
So I kind of checked out on all that.
Speaker 7 (21:04):
But that morning, I just said, God, please help me
stay sober, get sober, stay sober. And luckily it's been
fourteen years.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
So yeah, that is great sure for our audience. I
know that at one point I saw you saw you.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
Took a quiz or something.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
There's a there's like ten things that you could you
you are an alcoholic, sort of like if you check
these boxes, just generally give us our audience an idea,
like if you look at some things that indicate you
need help at this point, just to be honest with yourself,
you're an alcoholic.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
Can you share some of those?
Speaker 6 (21:41):
Oh? Sure, gosh, I remember there.
Speaker 7 (21:43):
I think there were twelve questions, and I really tried
to give myself the benefit of the doubt whenever I could,
and I think I give yourself an a.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 7 (21:53):
So on that list was drinking alone, obsessing about drinking.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 7 (22:02):
I mean, if you think you have a problem, you
probably do. People who don't have a drinking problem don't
walk around wondering if they have a drinking problem not being.
Speaker 6 (22:12):
Able to control it.
Speaker 7 (22:14):
You know, lots of people can have a drink or
two and be done with it and not get that
phenomenon of craving. I certainly would get that craving and
would just have to keep at it. Yeah, blackout's a
super good sign that you're an alcoholic. It's also a
self diagnosing disease, So I would not label anybody else.
(22:36):
It's kind of up to you to decide whether you
are or not.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Gosh, what else I mean, that's that's a list right there. Yeah,
so yeah, that's good that I like.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
I think if you, if you question it at all,
then go check it out and say, let me look
into this more and seek find the other the right. Yeah,
and just because it is self diagnosing. So if you're
questioning that because you've had a drink every day this week,
or because I even read statistically health wise women can drink,
(23:09):
I can't drink that much and be healthy.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
I mean moderation.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Drink in moderation is what one drink.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Yeah, I haven't.
Speaker 6 (23:19):
I think it's five to seven a week.
Speaker 7 (23:21):
But I think it keeps reducing in size as they
learn more about.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
PACT because I've noticed, yeah, that that's the case. So
if you start questioning that yourself, then yeah, look into
it more and make that decision.
Speaker 6 (23:32):
And you're so easy.
Speaker 7 (23:33):
Now there's so many Instagram groups, Facebook groups, you can
just google it. I kind of never wanted to look
at that. I never wanted to educate myself because I
knew what the answer would be. So I until I
walked into that AA meeting, I was completely uneducated about alcoholism.
Speaker 6 (23:54):
But it doesn't have to be that way.
Speaker 7 (23:55):
You could educate yourself while you're still drinking and thinking about.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
It and yeah, and then yeah, maybe make the decision
if that has to happen. So I have a question,
only because it's personal to me, is that you know,
you're married and you have a husband, you have kids,
and when did the trust factor come back in? Do
you know what I mean? You've been sober for fourteen years,
is that correct?
Speaker 6 (24:19):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (24:19):
Yes, So when did the trust factor be in your
relationship come back in? You know, after you've watched the
program and this is the new Mary and you had
to reinvent yourself. And so tell us a little bit
about that, because a lot of people have family members
who are alcoholics, and you know, it gets very frustrating
(24:40):
when you're on the other end, and so I think
that's a popular thing that people want to know about.
Speaker 7 (24:47):
Yeah, I would say, you know, for those years in
our marriage where I was drinking, we were kind of
at opposite ends.
Speaker 6 (24:56):
I was very defensive.
Speaker 7 (24:57):
I would do something obnoxious when I was drinking, like
I was a happy drunk but I was loud and repetitive, right,
So we weren't getting into fights, but I was annoying,
according to him.
Speaker 6 (25:10):
So when I.
Speaker 7 (25:13):
Quit drinking, I was able to be honest with him,
and that really made us closer. So instead of justifying everything,
I was admitting the truth, and I told him how
how hard it is, Like I felt so much shame.
Speaker 6 (25:33):
That I didn't need anything He did.
Speaker 7 (25:35):
Was kind of in addition to what I was already
giving myself. So I, the alcoholic, was filled with shame
about being an alcoholic and about feeling so miserable and
hungover when I should have been present with our kids
in the mornings. You know how early they get up, right, Yes,
the last thing you want to be is hungover. So
because I stayed sober, we didn't have much trust issues.
(25:58):
I think it's harder when you have a partner who relapses.
I think that probably really eats away at the foundation.
I'd eaten away plenty at our foundation, but it was
recoverable and we both got really honest, and we had
it to navigate it together. Because he drinks, he doesn't
drink a lot, certainly not like I did, but he
(26:23):
was respectful and he said, is it okay if I.
Speaker 6 (26:26):
Have a drink or would you prefer I not?
Speaker 7 (26:28):
And I do remember pouring all the booze out of
the house and getting a little glee that I poured
his booze out to Greg Goose vodka, which I didn't
not today.
Speaker 6 (26:37):
Yeah, blah blah. Yeah, you're suffering with me, mister.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
It sounds great that he was respectful like that, because
it has to be hard when you can't drink, and
yet your spouse still can and does, and so it's
good that they can.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Yeah, And she mentioned a really important thing because relapse
is really a real thing. If you have studied alcoholism
or been through you know that you're you can be
just one day from relapsing. And this is you know,
You're never you're always working out it, You're always you know.
And so that's the thing. That's why it's so difficult.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
You're not cured, you're constantly dealing with it. Well, we
have some moms who have a lot of questions for you, Mary,
and they are our zoomer moms. So welcome zoomer moms.
Welcome to the mom's club. Heyo, home, ol, ladies. Well,
let me share our first one Anne, tell us a
little bit about yourself, where you're from, and do you
(27:32):
have a question for Mary?
Speaker 4 (27:36):
Hi, Nice to see you again, Monica, Nice to see you.
So my name is Ann.
Speaker 8 (27:42):
I am a step mom of five wonderful step children.
And let's see, I am an adult child of an alcoholic.
My mother was an alcoholic and I have actually never
(28:06):
had a drink. I just didn't like the taste and
I really didn't like the way my mother acted.
Speaker 4 (28:17):
I felt like she was never there for me, and
I did not want to be like her. I have
been in recovery for over twenty five years. I am
a grateful member of alan On, and because of my
(28:42):
mother's alcoholism, I became severely codependent. In other words, I
knew what was best for me, for you and every
single person I came in con with, and I could
manipulate and control like no one's business. And that is actually, uh,
(29:10):
if you study codey pendants, it is actually the very
first disease that we ever get before alcoholism, before drug addiction.
I have been married four times. All four of my
husbands have been alcoholics, and I will say there is
(29:30):
nothing like an alcoholic to be married to.
Speaker 10 (29:36):
They are so much fun.
Speaker 4 (29:38):
I just loved every single one of them, and really
I would do it all over again if I had to.
So I want to ask a question of.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Mary and Mary.
Speaker 4 (29:57):
My question is, as I I surmise over my own
recovery of over twenty five years, my realization has been
that in recovery sometimes alcoholics or drug addicts will substitute
(30:18):
a new addiction to take place of drugs or alcohol,
for example.
Speaker 10 (30:23):
Food or.
Speaker 4 (30:29):
Just control or even I mean really codependants.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
I have just noticed that in.
Speaker 4 (30:37):
Because all of my husbands have been in recovery, and
I even married my last husband. He was a he
had a master's in drug addiction and alcoholism, and he
really didn't need to be doing that, which is just
my codependent opinion.
Speaker 10 (30:59):
So I was just can you speak to that?
Speaker 7 (31:02):
Yeah, First of all, I can relate to being controlling
and manipulative, because that's the sign of an alcoholic as
well or a symptom. That's something I continue to work
on to this day. I do have the same addiction
with sugar. I just it's funny when I drink. I'm like,
(31:22):
I don't have a sweet tooth. I never want to
dessert because I drank my dessert wine or champagne.
Speaker 6 (31:26):
It never included into me that that was all sugar.
Speaker 7 (31:29):
So I'm doing better with my sugar addiction, especially now
that my kids are just I'm just an empty nester
by one week less than a week, so all that
sugar went out of the house. I am obsessive, compulsive
a little bit like. I love puzzles now, but if
I start a puzzle, I will be there till my
neck is broken. So I get it. Don't really have
(31:54):
any other addictions that popped up, and I'm feeling pretty
good about my My sugar addiction is e Bay.
Speaker 10 (32:02):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
Sure you know sugar addiction is a tough one too.
I think we need to talk about that on the
future show.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
That's a whole separate show.
Speaker 1 (32:12):
Yeah, welcome to the Mom's Club. Tell us a little
bit about yourself, and do you have.
Speaker 3 (32:16):
A question for Mary?
Speaker 10 (32:22):
Hello? Is that me?
Speaker 3 (32:23):
Yes?
Speaker 10 (32:23):
Michelle, you look so beautiful over there with that bank.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
Thank you.
Speaker 11 (32:32):
So my question for you, well, first, let me say this,
I congratulate you for overcoming and continuing to be an overcomer.
Speaker 10 (32:42):
Because that is a day by day work.
Speaker 11 (32:46):
I remember when I used to smoke cigarettes and I'm
years past it. And I used to drink me a
little bit of beer, and I love beer so much.
I had like the best taste, and when God took
it away from me, I was angry with him because
I felt like I finally found something I could fall
in love with, and now you got to taste in
like water?
Speaker 10 (33:04):
Why would you do that to me?
Speaker 11 (33:05):
But I congratulate you because it is a day by
day work out your own soul salvation.
Speaker 10 (33:12):
My question to you would be statement question. When I
was younger, I was very, very.
Speaker 11 (33:21):
Angry with my mother for being en abler to my father,
who was an alcoholic who would beat the living daylights
out of me and didn't protect me. So my question
would be, was any of your children ever angry with you.
Speaker 10 (33:40):
Or maybe angry with.
Speaker 11 (33:42):
The father for allowing you to be this alcoholic so
long in their life that they missed out on the
goodness of their years. Did you ever experience anything with
the children because my father, the statement would be what
my father is? I said, Well, he had an excuse,
(34:05):
he was an alcoholic, but my mother didn't have an excuse.
Speaker 10 (34:09):
But me, being older now looking at life for what
it presents, I understand being enabler is a disease within
itself when you're married to an alcoholic, But a child
does not know that when they're younger.
Speaker 11 (34:24):
All they see is mom is allowing dad to beat
the crap out of me. Mom is allowing dad to
fall out in.
Speaker 10 (34:33):
Front of everyone.
Speaker 11 (34:34):
In front of everyone, Mom is allowing dad to be
obnoxious and curse all our friends out and put everybody out.
Speaker 10 (34:41):
So did you ever experience anything like that?
Speaker 7 (34:44):
So my kids were only four and five when I
got sober, and I kept that kind of drinking away
from them. Okay, God for babysitters. You know, my husband
was not an enabler. If if I crossed the line,
he let me know it. You know, there was one
time that I drove home. I always used to say buzzed, right, buzzed,
(35:08):
meaning I've had a few drinks, but it's drunk.
Speaker 6 (35:10):
But I didn't feel the.
Speaker 7 (35:12):
Kids were at home with him. But he could tell
when I came in that I was kind of like
this a little bit, and he just was like, you
cannot do that. You have children, you cannot do that.
So he wasn't an enabler. And I do remember thinking like,
I really have to curb this before they have a
memory of me being like this, you know, so I'm
(35:36):
and I asked the kids now, and they don't remember
any occasions. So I think I think I might have
escaped that.
Speaker 10 (35:44):
How were you pretty deal with that?
Speaker 11 (35:47):
I wrote a book called Nobody Ever Told Me, so
I have all the memories of everything father.
Speaker 6 (35:53):
I've heard about that book, and I can't relate to you.
Speaker 7 (35:55):
My father had a really short temper and he would
like stick his fingers in the mashed potatoes, and if
they weren't hot enough, he would get mad at my
mother to go reheat them. And I didn't have any
power over that situation, and it drove me crazy.
Speaker 6 (36:10):
And I would ask my mom, why do you let
him do that to you?
Speaker 7 (36:13):
And she would say I know who I married, and
my engaging is not going to make it any better,
It's only going to make it worse.
Speaker 6 (36:21):
So that kind of tore me up.
Speaker 3 (36:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
You talking about children. So your kids were young when
you became sober, but they became teenagers, and we know
how tough it is with alcohol and kids. How did
you handle that with your own children? Get a question,
tell you'll do you address that? Well?
Speaker 7 (36:39):
I wanted to be honest with them at an age
appropriate level because it is hereditary. My sister is sober.
My grandmother was an alcoholic. I have a few uncles
on the other side who are in alcoholics. So when
I was little, I told them I went to mommy meetings.
When they were middle school, I got more honest with them.
(37:04):
Certainly by eighth grade, I was completely transparent with them
any questions they had. I just wanted it to be
a real open book and tell them that they needed
to keep their guard up, to be aware that they might.
Speaker 6 (37:15):
You know, I read a statistic. Don't quote me on it, but.
Speaker 7 (37:20):
If one parent is an alcoholic, you have a forty
percent chance your kid does. If both, you have an
eighty percent chance. So so it was. It has been
an open conversation. It's hard for me to watch them
live their lives. I don't want to tell their story,
but I just kind of do a lot of this.
(37:42):
You know that they make it through, especially between now
and the age of twenty five before their brains are
fully formed. So yeah, I try to be a good
example of what not to be. But I also tell
them to wear sunscreen because I have skin cancer and
they don't do that either.
Speaker 3 (38:00):
Yeah, we can totally empathize.
Speaker 1 (38:03):
Yes, we all experienced the challenges of all of that
rock sand Welcome to the Mom's Club. Tell us your name,
where you're from, and a little bit about yourself and
do you have a question.
Speaker 3 (38:13):
Yes, I do.
Speaker 12 (38:13):
My name's Roxanne Davis and I live in Austin, Texas.
I'm a single mom of a former micro Premies so
that probably fueled my alcohol drinking. He was born a
pound and four ounces and that was unraveling. Then three
weeks after he came home, my divorce ensued and Deep
(38:36):
Betty Vodka became my go to h and still, I
mean I still drink I have. You know what you
say in your book that you're you had champagne at
your five year old's party. Well, my kid wants to
have his birthday parties at a place called Margarita's, so it's.
Speaker 3 (38:55):
Venue.
Speaker 12 (38:55):
They have a big treehouse, and so you know, everybody's
drinking at his birthday party. But you talk about a
lot in your book, and one of which is being
a chameleon. You were the sixth child out of seven,
which you know they always say the third child always
has the issue or the middle child has the issues,
(39:15):
but you were the sixth of the seventh, and you
constantly became a chameleon, taking your friend's identities. When you
found something in them that you loved, you would take
their identity, well not their identity, but you would, yeah,
fall in basically fall in line. And that was very
interesting to me. Did you ever, through your sobriety, understand
(39:39):
why you did that, because you know, I worry about
my son being an only child without a father figure
in any aspect does he have that? But becoming that
chameleon being like somebody, you know, I see some traits
in him where he tries to be like his friends
and stuff. So that was very interesting when I kept
(39:59):
reading about the continued people in your life from age
five up to sixteen.
Speaker 6 (40:07):
Yeah, that had to do with a lack of self acceptance.
Speaker 7 (40:10):
I've always felt lesser than that, my own aura, my
own personality wasn't enough, and so I would kind of
grab onto these shiny lights and be like, oh, I
want to be like them. And it wasn't until I
got sober and did the work, you know, for me
that was twelve steps, going to therapy, talking to sober
(40:30):
friends that I realized that I am enough, and I
started to enjoy my own company. So it's the self
acceptance piece that eluded me for so long that maybe
that's what your son is experiencing.
Speaker 6 (40:44):
I'm not sure.
Speaker 3 (40:46):
It's a testing.
Speaker 1 (40:47):
Well, Jane, welcome to the Mom's Club. Tell us your name,
where you're from, a little bit about yourself, and do
you have a question for Mary.
Speaker 5 (40:55):
Yes, my name is Jane.
Speaker 10 (40:57):
I'm from Nashville.
Speaker 5 (40:59):
I gave alcohol forty five, started a twelve step program.
Speaker 6 (41:03):
Uh, the world has opened up.
Speaker 5 (41:05):
I come from a long line, a long line of alcoholics,
and I can identify with every single thing you've said.
I have a question about two things. Two things actually
in your lifestyle.
Speaker 2 (41:23):
Hi guys, So your mic is.
Speaker 6 (41:25):
Sounding a little muffled?
Speaker 2 (41:26):
Is there anything covering your mic?
Speaker 9 (41:28):
Potentially?
Speaker 5 (41:30):
No?
Speaker 10 (41:30):
Are you using your computer? Are you using an actual microphone?
I'm using my computer. You might just have to project
a little louder then there's.
Speaker 2 (41:41):
Yeah, it's sounding a little bit muffled.
Speaker 5 (41:43):
I'm hang on, let me do this one second. I'm
gonna put in my AirPods. We'll see if that works better.
Speaker 2 (41:49):
Yeah, hold on, that'll probably help. Thank you so much. Hello, Hey,
there you are.
Speaker 3 (42:00):
Okay, let her start over.
Speaker 1 (42:04):
I'll just say, Jane, welcome to the Mom's tell us
a little bit about yourself, and.
Speaker 3 (42:09):
Do you have a question for Mary?
Speaker 5 (42:12):
Take three?
Speaker 2 (42:13):
Yeah?
Speaker 13 (42:13):
He let you can hear me now right?
Speaker 8 (42:15):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (42:16):
Yes?
Speaker 10 (42:16):
Great?
Speaker 6 (42:17):
Okay?
Speaker 13 (42:19):
So Mary, from one alcoholic to another. First of all,
how did you tell the people at work and were
they appalled? Did you lose?
Speaker 12 (42:29):
Did you quit?
Speaker 13 (42:30):
Get an invited to parties? How did you manage that?
And then the other thing is, while we've talked a
lot about unplugging ways to eliminate stress, you and I
don't have that luxury anymore. To go on, cork a
bottle and pour a little glass of wine and chill
out with everybody. In my case of be watching the
(42:50):
chickens in the backyard, I'm now a chicken mother. But
how do you unwind?
Speaker 7 (42:58):
That is a great question, because I, I uh do
get pent up with stress still. So instead of that
glass of wine, I will take a nice walk. I
got a dog a few years ago. That's very calming,
Take a nice bubble bath, watch a good show, read
(43:20):
a People magazine, just slow down, do a puzzle. Puzzles
and gardening have become my zen meditation, Like I can't
chill myself enough to meditate, but if I can do
something like that, that calms me down. Even something ridiculous
like unloading the dishwasher, I find calmbing for some reason.
(43:44):
And as far as telling other people, so I had
quit my job a year before, so I didn't have
to tell anybody at work, but I had developed this
mom squad of local moms. I became like the PTA president.
You know, I still have all that producer energy. So
I was very connected to my community and the whole
(44:07):
mom squad. The whole PTA was riddled with alcohol, so
that was very awkward for me. When the go to
gift for me for doing something, they'd give me a
bottle of wine, you know, And so what's my choice.
I either say I don't drink and make them uncomfortable,
or I take the wine and give it to somebody else.
When I told my closest mom friend here in town,
(44:30):
it did not go well. She and I bonded. I
think our first playdate was Marguerite's in my backyard, and
she just kind of ghosted me, questioned me, said, you know,
you don't drink any more than I do, and I
was so disheartened by that, you know, it was really difficult.
(44:52):
Other friends, the majority of my friends who had had
for longer term just listened with caring ears and were
very supportive.
Speaker 2 (45:01):
Yeah. That hurts my heart a little bit. I really
hear you say that.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
You feel what Maybe she felt a little bit convicted
herself by that, But because that's if you're drinking the
same amount and you're going there, maybe you're maybe she
felt inwardly, maybe she should be going there too, you know, yeah.
Speaker 7 (45:21):
Yeah, quite possibly, quite possibly, And or she just didn't
want to hang out with somebody that she was going
to feel self conscious around drinking.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
Yeah, yeah, good point, good point for sure. Definitely. Let
me ask a question about You've mentioned a little bit
of humor in this book too, So tell us some
of the you know, some of the humorous parts to uncourt.
Speaker 7 (45:44):
Okay, So, I think you have a tagline if you
if you don't laugh, you're gonna cry.
Speaker 3 (45:49):
Right.
Speaker 7 (45:49):
So I went to a three year old birthday party
and this this friend of mine, she lived about an
hour away, and I never wanted to go down to
her house because I didn't want to drink and then
have to drive home but b it was just a
long drive. So I showed up for her party a
one week sober, and she pulls this bottle of Chardonnay
(46:10):
out of the cooler, like ice dripping, like my mouth
still water thinking about it, and she's like, look what
I got just for you for coming all this away.
And I was like, ah, so she I'm like, no, no,
I can't, and she's like why not, And I'm like,
what am I going to tell her? I'm not ready
to spill my guts, So I said I have a
bladder infection. So she's like, oh, okay, I got you.
(46:34):
And she's like, I'm sure I have some cranberry juice
in here somewhere and this juice box for the three
year olds at the party, and that's what I had
to drink. And I was just like so, I felt
so shameful, Like it was hard enough to walk into
that party sober because everybody was drinking, but to walk
around with the juicy juice box. I just felt like
such an idiot. And I felt like everyone was looking
(46:56):
at me.
Speaker 2 (46:56):
I mean, Mary, I thought you were going to say
she made your granberry vodka, like are little? I thought
that's where you're going with this like the cure for
the Yeah, well, Mary, thank you.
Speaker 1 (47:07):
So this has been a great show. We really appreciate it.
Where can they find your book and can you just
show yeah, show us your book?
Speaker 6 (47:14):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 7 (47:15):
This is it Courked a memoir of letting go and
staying over and this is me falling off that wall.
Speaker 2 (47:22):
Yeah, it was like, what is the picture about?
Speaker 7 (47:24):
I fell and wound up breaking my back in the hospital.
And you can get it off of Amazon or anywhere.
You can ask for it at any local bookstore.
Speaker 2 (47:34):
Is there an audiobook yet?
Speaker 6 (47:36):
Not yet? I'm yeah, I'm They usually record those a
few months later. So great, great, I'm eagerly awaiting my
opportunity to do that.
Speaker 2 (47:43):
I love that. I mean, sharing your story has been
amazing and I think that all of us can relate
a little bit to what you have to say, and
it is, like I said, it is critically important for
people to learn about this.
Speaker 1 (47:56):
Well, And thank you Zoomers for all for you all
share your story as well. This has been a really
great episode because I feel like everybody has really gotten
a lot out of it and was able to share
a lot, and that's what it's been an amazing show.
As we say here in the Moms Club, Well, thank you,
thank you to our sponsors, thank you to Newcom.
Speaker 3 (48:15):
Which we absolutely love.
Speaker 1 (48:17):
If Julie and I travel together and we have to
share a room and so it's difficult to sleep sometimes
because some people snore, and so we use.
Speaker 2 (48:26):
I've asked you, we use the term kitten per.
Speaker 1 (48:29):
Some people any very loud anytime. People can't sleep anyway.
So Newcom is a great solution for that. It is
and it's an app. You can put Mom's Club in
the code at check out and you will get fifteen
percent off every month.
Speaker 3 (48:43):
Of your subscription. And it only works for.
Speaker 1 (48:45):
Sleep, it works for focus, energy, creativity. We can't say
enough about it. You spell it in you c a
l M. Definitely check out Newcom and please join us
at all of our live events. We're we're bringing moms
together from.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
All over the country.
Speaker 1 (49:02):
It's credit com Tourage. You bring your mom Toourage or
your mom squad or yeah, whatever group of moms you
have together and join us live. We are going to
have events in Nashville, Atlanta, North Dallas, and Shreveport coming up.
Check the Inside the Mom's Club website for your local
event dates and they're going to be fun, free and informative.
(49:22):
We will have a great speaker, we have prizes. It's
a lot of fun. It's a good opportunity to get
together with other moms. And there are limited tickets available,
So when you have the opportunity, secure your ticket at
Insidethemom's Club dot com. Thank you so much, Julie. As always,
this has gone by way too fast. It was so
informative and so great and it is.
Speaker 3 (49:41):
A great book.
Speaker 1 (49:42):
I loved I really did enjoy reading the book.
Speaker 3 (49:45):
Yeah, I definitely recommend that.
Speaker 2 (49:47):
Yeah, so it's well done.
Speaker 1 (49:49):
Yeah, so next time we will remember our motto, Mom's Club,
please do. If you don't last sometimes, Julie, what happens.
Speaker 2 (49:58):
Oh my lord, you are going to crack.
Speaker 3 (50:00):
You are gonna cry.
Speaker 1 (50:00):
So keep laughing out there, moms. We're going to see
you next time. Inside the Mom's Blood
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