#90 Dr. John Gray-Best Selling Author of "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus"

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hmm.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
Get ready for changes to elevate your future.

Speaker 3 (00:21):
You're thinking you're.

Speaker 2 (00:23):
Five one relation, one thought, one decision. You're closer than
to think a walk, make a decision.

Speaker 3 (00:38):
And decide there.

Speaker 1 (00:41):
To be inspired.

Speaker 3 (00:54):
Good afternoon. It's Randy Bird with Like a Boss podcast,
and I am thin. I see doctor John Gray and
the guest, but I'm waiting for mister doctor John Gray
to come in. And mister Gray, if you don't have
the link, I will get it to you so you
can come in and be my guest. So I am

(01:17):
looking at that now, but very excited to have doctor
John Gray today. I interviewed doctor John Gray years ago
and super super excited to have him come into the
fold today. So let me see if I can put
this in here. I'm gonna put this in here and

(01:41):
send it over. I'm gonna put this post in here
and see if that will work, Doctor Gray. I see you,
Thank you, sir. So try that link. See if that

(02:01):
brings you into the event. And if it doesn't, don't panic,
We'll we'll do a new link and we'll start it over.
No problem. Ah, Hello doctor Gray, Yeah, Hi, how are you?

(02:23):
I'm doing amazing. I'm very excited to see you today.

Speaker 1 (02:27):
Happy to see you.

Speaker 3 (02:28):
You're getting better looking every time. How do you do that?
Can you hear me?

Speaker 1 (02:37):
Okay, I don't know why, but we're getting.

Speaker 3 (02:42):
Feedback, are you You might? You might be in the
other link.

Speaker 1 (02:47):
I'm going to go out and come back in with
that link.

Speaker 3 (02:50):
Roger that thank you.

Speaker 1 (02:51):
I don't see that link now.

Speaker 3 (02:54):
I will post it. Let me post it here again.
There you go. You should be able to copy that.

Speaker 1 (03:08):
Oh, I think I can just go out of this one.

Speaker 3 (03:10):
Yeah, if you go out of the other one, you
won't get that echo.

Speaker 1 (03:15):
Okay, we're good. Good, Thank you, sir.

Speaker 3 (03:20):
You know it's always great to see you. We've been
I was looking at pictures a few minutes ago of
us speaking on stage fifteen years ago.

Speaker 1 (03:29):
Amazing.

Speaker 3 (03:30):
You look just as vibrant as you did back then.

Speaker 1 (03:34):
I'm definitely as vibrant, missing a little bit of hair butt.

Speaker 3 (03:37):
Other than that, that's pretty yeah, both both of us,
both of us. But great to see you, John. I
really I appreciate you being here, and I'm excited to
give people some updates of what you've been up to
and and really talk about the journey you're on, really
changing the world in my opinion and relationship. And now

(03:58):
you've partnered with your beautiful daughter, Lauren. I'm excited to
dive into that kind of stuff. But real quick, let
me just start this way. Doctor John Gray written over
twenty books, the most recent being Beyond Mars and Venus.
If you remember mentor from Mars, when we're from Venus,
I've said that like my whole life. Now it feels
like for twenty years, I'm like, it's because you're from Venus.
I'm from Mars, and so that's really been a staple

(04:20):
in my language and understanding. But Mener from Mars Women
from Venus was the number one book of the nineties,
literally translated into forty five languages in over one hundred
countries and growing. I remember this, John, the mission. I'm
here to help men and women create strong, passionate bonds
that last a lifetime. I remember you saying that. Remember

(04:43):
being part of one of your relationship classes and being
able to watch you from the front of the room
really really special, And you know, I just I really
want to say thank you for being here on Like
a Boss Podcast. This podcast is dedicated to entrepreneur minded,
business minded, relationship minded digging into the weeds, you know,

(05:04):
emotionally and spiritually, and to me, that is entrepreneurship. It's
really finding out who you are as you grow as
human being. I don't know why we have to figure
it out in our fifties and I'm going to be
sixty in seventeen eighteen days. Why the hell do we
have to figure this out now? John, I'd like to
know why couldn't I have this cookie in the twenties

(05:25):
or thirties and all I could do now?

Speaker 1 (05:28):
I think you know, I have a great answer for that.
We have to make mistakes to feel the draw towards
the divine. Okay, you repent means that I realized I
made a mistake and I'm committed to making the change.
It's that process of committing to making the change as
personal growth. And hey, life is about growth, So life

(05:48):
is about continuing to learn, continue to make mistakes. It's
just the hard part of it is we beat ourselves
up whe A lot of people do, particularly when you're younger.
Oh why haven't I got that down? And why isn't
my life perfect? Why is this? And so you can
kind of look back a bit realize that it's always
a process of growth, and growth means change in a

(06:09):
positive direction, and we get bumped up around by life.
But then you become more compassionate towards others, you become
more tolerant of others, You become more fluid in your life,
and you access more creativity because the more we can
be in the flow of life, more creative, more productive,
we can be so true.

Speaker 3 (06:30):
And you know, there's a lot of great books I love.
Three Feet from Gold was something that really it came
from a place of inspiration for me through three Thinking,
Grow Rich and Napoleon Hill and you know, one of
my one of my favorite authors, along with you and
Jack Canfield and some others. It really I've read that

(06:51):
book probably nine times. It's my go to you know,
I call it my business Bible. It's the entrepreneur Bible
for me. But it's absolutely through that law of attraction,
that vibrational energy, and you know, we get in that
flow state, and the flow state's a powerful place to be.
And then you enter relationships and you're talking to an
alien species sometimes, and.

Speaker 1 (07:13):
So when you're dealing with an intimate relationship, what gets triggered.
See part of our growth besides learning from mistakes, and growing.
Another part of our growth as men is to integrate
the feminine qualities into our life without losing the masculine
side of us. And for women, the ability to stay

(07:37):
feminine as they express their masculine side. And when you're
in a polarity relationship of a man and a woman,
that's going to be your biggest challenge, and it's also
going to be a very powerful way for you to
find balance within yourself. I don't say it's the only way,
but it's the way that I've seen. It's very powerful

(07:57):
and it's challenging. Okay, So you know, women, part of
our female side, Randy is our emotions. And why I
can say that, some people go, well, why are you
calling emotions female side? Well, it turns out that women
biologically need to make ten times more estrogen than a man,

(08:19):
and typically if they're happy, they do and if they're
in a romantic relationship to be in the mood for romance,
her estrogen levels have to double. So that's twenty times
higher than a man's estrogen levels. So all emotions get
produced with a surgeon or coexists with a surge of estrogen.
You know, the mind looks at something the body responds,

(08:41):
and the connection between the mind and the body is emotion.
So we know that if you don't have any estrogen
in your body, you can't have any emotions. If you
have too much estrogen in your body for your biology,
then be a man. If you have too much estrogen
for your biology or a woman, you can have too
much of anything. For a woman, she'll have anxiety and

(09:03):
weakness that she has too much estrogen at the wrong
time of the month. But for a man, he either
has fight or flight. He wants to fight, or he
wants to run away, or he wants to procrastinate. These
are all symptoms of when a man's estrogen is too
high for what men typically need to be healthy. When
a man is healthy and feeling good and motivated, you

(09:25):
know he's a leader. He has integrity, he follows through,
he's an example for others. Just having that status will
make a man's testosterone ten times higher than a woman's.
And then if he can then be in a relationship
with a woman who loves him, who looks up to
him as an amazing guy in her presence, his testosterone

(09:46):
can double and that's called romance. Okay, so this is
real biology. That's in the later books. I got into
all the biology because people kept thinking that men and
women are the same, and we are not. We're like
different planets. But here's the rub. As women become more independent,
they become like men and less like women, and to

(10:09):
the extent, less like women. What I mean is their hormones.
Their female hormones are way out of whack. And we
know now that medicine is trying to correct this with
giving women hormones, but that doesn't correct it. It's the
mind state. It's the mind state that gets produced when

(10:29):
you're in relationship. Relationship stimulates estrogen, independence stimulates testosterone. Selflessness
stimulates testosterone. So think of the soldier going into battle.
His testosterol levels are off the chart because he's willing
to give up his life. You see that the man
who kneels before the woman and as time of proposal,

(10:53):
I'm willing to prioritize you above all others. I kneel
before you. That's the most romantic moment for woman. And
what that is for a man is huge testosterone levels
get produced because for her, huge estrogen gets produced, like,
oh my gosh, finally I don't have to live a
life alone. I don't have to do it all myself

(11:14):
because and why is it such a stress for women,
is that when you feel I have to do it alone,
you primarily make male hormones testosterone. And when a woman's
primarily making testosterone, her stress levels will always be higher.
You can measure whenever woman's producing stress hormones, her male
hormones are dominating her female hormones. Or it could be

(11:38):
that she has no male hormones and all she has
is estrogen. That would also be a stress state for women.
So these imbalanced states is what causes our stress levels
or coexists with elevated course stress levels. So women today,
at a certain point they want to be more independent.
That's great as long as they can maintain that sense

(11:59):
of real relationship where they're not doing everything themselves. And
for men, if we don't have the role models, like
you're a role model coach, Randy, you bringing people to
be an inspiration to a man. I watch, you know,
I watch YouTube a lot these days. After the shutdown,
I started watching YouTube. It's a bit of an addiction,

(12:19):
but it's wonderful. I already watched people who are an
inspiration to me to hear them talk and now I'm
going back to books. I got into the videos. I
realized that it's even more powerful when I'm reading the
words of someone who has accomplished or achieved something fulfilling
their goals. That's very inspiring to me as a man.

(12:40):
Because we can only become what we see. This is
very very interesting. How do I become something if I
can't see it? And when you're talking about the law
of attraction, you have to be able to imagine it. Well.
Being able to talk to somebody, resonate with somebody who's
been where you want to be, not exactly for you,
but they've been where you want to That gives your mind,

(13:02):
it goes okay, what do'll have to do to do that?
It pulls in the resources to do it. That's called
role model. And part of the challenge today is that
sixty percent of boys and girls are growing up without
a father in the home. So when a girl grows
up without a father in the home, she doesn't know
what benefit you can get from a man. A little

(13:24):
boy doesn't know what benefit he can provide for others.
So there's this big blank and if you don't have
clarity about what you're looking for you can't manifest it.

Speaker 3 (13:35):
So true, and we're moving into and have been moving into,
it seems a world that the women are taking on
much more masculine roles, both in employment, both in being
equals and everything. I could see how that throws us
out of balance if you're really not attentive to what's
going on biologically.

Speaker 1 (13:55):
Like you said, yeah, well, I think that they've done
research on this. I mean this now, I have data
to back it up before, you know, in the nineties.
I'm just giving my personal experience and my observations, which
when people were in intimate relationships they would go, yeah,
I can relate to that completely, you know, But when
people aren't in relationships, they tend to be more on

(14:16):
their male side because you're independent. Anytime independent, you make
male hormones. Whenever you're dependent for something meaningful. And I'm
not being overly dependent, needy and all that. I mean,
when I eat a meal, I'm dependent on food. If
I want to get my message out, I'm dependent on you, Brandy.
You know. So dependence is a very important part of life.

(14:37):
That's the whole point of relationship is to provide for it,
to help. So one is you've got the helper that
would be our male side, and then you've got the
person who needs help. That's the female side. Doesn't mean weakness,
it means okay, what can you do for me? I
often even describe power because you know, we all this
about empowerment of women. Yes, we want empower women to

(15:01):
be like men. Well, it's good to empower your male side,
no question about. I think it's a part of an
advancement of consciousness to have both the male and female size.
But the male power is the power to accomplish, to achieve,
to do. The female power is the power to have
others do for you. That's the law of attraction. A

(15:21):
law of attraction doesn't create success, it creates opportunities for
you to achieve success. So you draw into yourself the
support you need. And then it's your thinking, which is
you know a lot of thinking, grow rich. That's what
you think, and follow through on through action that will
achieve your goals. But I could be working all day long,

(15:41):
but if I don't have opportunities, I'm not going to succeed.
So you want to put the male side in the
female power together, and our relationships our powerful way to
develop that because then you're actually what are women dependent
on men for? So this is the big challenge for women.
If we look at data, what we'll see is that
women educated women that means they went to college, who

(16:06):
don't have children at fifty or no. If you if
you have a college degree, your chances of being alone
and without children are fifty percent. Okay, half the women
who've gone to college at fifty do not have children,
are not married, and they'll live the rest of their
life alone.

Speaker 3 (16:25):
Wow, this is that because they moved into an independent
you know role.

Speaker 1 (16:29):
Basically, Yeah, when you're in an independent role, you what
you'll find is that you're not feeling men are good
enough for you. You won't be attracted to men.

Speaker 3 (16:40):
Well, there's not an addition to what you have already.

Speaker 1 (16:43):
You know, it's not a yeah, you don't need a man,
and men are not attracted to women who don't need us. Okay,
So if a woman has less money than us and
wants more money, well that's great, that becomes a bond. Okay,
I can provide something for you a meaning. But once
a woman can make money, what does she need a
man for? And that's part of what I'm trying to

(17:03):
educate people. Well, once you can make money and you're
a woman, what you need is emotional support. You need
a new kind of emotional support, and that emotional support
helps you come back to make more estrogen. A man
doing things for you will make more estrogen. And you
know what we're looking at is all these women who
have mental pausal problems. And you know, most of the

(17:26):
divorce is either happening at twenty eight years old or
between forty five and fifty because that's when women are
going through menopause. They don't have enough estrogen to feel
I love my partner. You know, love allows you to
tolerate imperfection, okay, But if you don't have love, your
brain just focuses on what I'm not getting and it
sort of becomes a snowball of not enough, not enough.

(17:48):
And when you're in a relationship with a man and
you give the message of not enough, not enough, he
doesn't have the energy to give more. You know, relationships
are reciprocal. When I come home and my wife is
happy to see me, it gives me energy to give
to her. If she's not happy to see me, then
it's like going to a job where they don't pay you,
You just have no energy. Men are very much energy

(18:10):
dependent on the hormone testosterone, and we need to make
ten times more than women need to make in order
for well being to occur. So women have a greater
requirement for relationships to stimulate estrogen, and men have a
greater requirement to be independent in doing things that raise testosterone.

(18:32):
And when they don't know how to do that, when
nobody's giving them direction on how to do that, a
man's testoster will stay rather low and his estrogen levels
will go high. And whenever a man's estrogen levels are high,
he's in fight or flight. He's grumpy, he's irritable. He
can become angry, he can feel like a victim, he
can withdraw, and he can procrastinate. Procrastination is a big,

(18:57):
big thing, or feeling anxiety. This is happening a lot
more to men than ever before. And it's because men's
you know, we live in a culture to a certain
extent that doesn't teach men how to be men, shams
men for being masculine. For example. I mean, I'm going
to give people examples other than all the bad pressmen

(19:18):
are getting all the time. We know that's going on,
but it's more practical on a down to earth level. Psychology.
Aspects of psychology have ruined men, and that they treat
men like the women that come in for counseling. So
I don't want to this them because in all your psychologists,
who write all the books, who do everything, who do

(19:39):
they learn from, they learn from women. Ninety five percent
of the people who come into therapists are women. So
we just assume that the techniques of talking about your feelings,
sharing your feelings, that that's going to be this beneficial thing.
But when men talk men, When men talk about their feelings,
it makes estrogen. That's why it's so good for women.

(20:00):
And just talking about what you're feeling inside without trying
to solve a problem produces estrogen. And translation, complaining, Women
get addicted to complaining because it can produce temporary estrogen.
Now men, on the other hand, men can do porn,
and porn will give you a temporary dose of testosterone,

(20:21):
just like complaining will give you a temporary dose of estrogen.
But afterwards it crashes right back down. And so what
we got is a society of males addicted to porn, cocaine,
any dopamine stimulators, alcohol. All these addictions are to replace
the bad feelings of man has when he doesn't have

(20:42):
testosterone production. And what he needs for produce testosterone is
he needs mentors, He needs to have a clear direction
of where he's going. He needs to experience making a difference.
There's so many boys, four times as many males will
commit suicide than females. And when you commit suicide, when

(21:03):
you feel inadequate, and you feel like, what's the purpose?
You know, I make things worse or it's just an
empty existence, and what's the point of it all? What
am I here for? And what's interesting? If you just
hang out with a male who is making a difference
and you help that person, are you become more like
that person? You get a job. Basically you get a job,

(21:25):
and then at a certain point making money is depressing
because that only take your testosterone so high. Then you
have to selflessly give to someone who depends on you.
And so women today don't depend on men. So if
you can't find a woman who can depend on you,
because she doesn't know what she depends on you for.

(21:45):
So women today are they're starting to wake up, and
many are reading my books which is explaining that what
you need a man. Why do you need a man?
You know, you need a man so that you don't
have to go home alone. You have backup, you have security.
Doesn't even matter if you learning karate or whatever, you
still need to have somebody present with you. So there's

(22:06):
this feeling of I'm alone, I don't have support, and
maybe you can live with some women and whatever, so
you can have that satisfied a certain level of security.
But there's a place where men, if they're masculine, don't
get upset about things. You see, men have a groundedness
if they're in their masculine side, which is not to
worry a lot, which is not to get angry a lot,

(22:26):
not to cry a lot, not to feel overwhelmed a lot.
And you know, I had three daughters and a wife,
and I would travel three days away teaching my classes
and come back all the kids were so glad Dad's home.
Because there's this overwhelmed that starts happening when women get together,
because you have to have the balancing factor. Yeah, the

(22:47):
same thing when men. You know, if you look at
men in jail, they become very dysfunctional. Already they were
dysfunctional as well. Men and gangs and so forth. There's
a certain need that men have to be together, but
it has to be balanced by being around females. It
takes a man and a woman to make a baby.
It takes a man and a woman to raise a child.
I'm really against this phrase of this communistic phrase of

(23:09):
it takes a village to raise our children. This is
just the wrong direction. Doesn't take a village. It takes
a village to support a man and a woman to
raise a child. That's what it takes. It takes a
man and a woman to make a baby. It takes
a man and a woman to raise a child. That
child needs to see a father serving the mother, the

(23:29):
mother adoring that man and appreciating him and loving him,
feeling that he makes a difference in my life. So
this is absent in our society. Is it going downhill? No,
we have examples of it. More and more people are
becoming examples of so many women I hear are giving up,
you know, just being the corporate woman. She can be
the corporate woman at work and she's learning to come home.

(23:51):
And now I'm just quoting these women and I'm making
dinner and I'm I'm taking care of the kids, you know,
and I'm taking days off. I'm creating a life where
i can have a family and the working. So this
is a time of balancing. Over the last ten years,
you hear in the workplace all about work life balance,
work life balance. Well, for women to find that balance,

(24:13):
it's very important for them to be educated the importance
of sharing feelings and using a man to hear those feelings,
and learning how to communicate your feelings to man in
a way where he can hear them. If what your
feelings are just complaints about me, count me out. But

(24:33):
you've got so much stress going on in other areas
of your life. If you can talk about that and
use your husband as kind of your therapist, your sounding board.
Now he has a role and it's not like he
has to be a therapist, but it's a little bit
like a good therapist will do. When a woman comes
in the office, tell me about what's going on, what's
very frustrations, what are your disappointments, what are your words

(24:56):
and concerns, And with me as a therapist. They course
can share anything about their spouse, but you can't do
that with your spouse you can't criticize someone. If I criticize,
my wife shall shut down. If I get angry at
my wife shall shut down. So that's where therapy can
be very helpful. And again even therapists don't understand this

(25:17):
many which is if you sit and listen to a
woman complain about her husband without teaching her at the
end of the complaints how she's equally a part of
the problem. Everybody wants equality, but they'd never want to
look at equality where there's a problem, how two people
are contributing that problem. And then when you see that,
then when you give her a solution, a new plan

(25:39):
of action, a behavioral change she can make, that she
can make. Now you've got real success with couples, which
is what I get what my books help women do.
And so Men and from Mars was so helpful for
people at that time where men were mostly masculine, women
were mostly feminine. But today and not in every relationship

(25:59):
it so much of the time women are on their
masculine side. So it's a whole book to help women go, Okay,
what can I use a man for to come back
to my female side?

Speaker 3 (26:08):
So good, And you know, Kirsty, my wife we work together,
so I have she calls it my office voice, right,
I've got I'm in my masculine I'm running a business,
I'm the boss, and I'm running down that path. And
then there's times where she needs me to be the
spouse to listen to her stories, listen to whatever she's

(26:29):
got going on. And I don't try to trivialize it.
I just I'm in a mode, right, and I understand
and I recognize it. So we've had to set boundaries
of when we're going to transfer from this to that
conversation or at the end of the day when we
see each other having that healthy kind of that fifteen
minute buffer period that we get to kind of unwind

(26:49):
those roles and get into a loving listening role, right
instead of me responding like I would be as a
CEO all day.

Speaker 1 (26:57):
That's right. You know when I hear this to solve problems,
the CEO, you solve problems. Time is money, efficiency, Let's
get to the point, let's get it done. This is
not a therapy session.

Speaker 3 (27:08):
To me, I wasn't asking to be fixed. I'm like
to be fixed.

Speaker 1 (27:13):
That's what I heard. Well, So it's good for women
to know which mode they want to be Are you
in a problem solving mode? Are you in a sharing mode?
And to be able to say to your spouse, I
just want to talk about my feelings, and I don't
want you to say anything. I don't want you to
fix anything. Now, men it from Mars. I told men,

(27:35):
just don't fix it. But it didn't always work because
men would forget. So then I start teaching women. Just
remind him. You're the one who has a need. You know,
I'm the one who's hungry, So let me tell you
what I like for dinner. You know, I just want
to talk about what's going on inside of me. You
don't have to say anything. But then I take it
a step further. There's a concept in psychology, which, by

(27:58):
the way, I was just talking about one concept in
psychology that's not good, which is that when men are stressed,
they should talk about their feelings. When man's heart is broken,
he should talk about his feelings. But if he's having
stressful problems, then he should only talk to solve those problems,
or to think about those problems, or to temporarily forget
those problems. It's so it's such a you know, she

(28:22):
just because she doesn't know men are different. She's going
to go and, well, tell me what you're feeling, and
what's the problem, and oh, what could happen then, and
what could happen then, and maybe you could try this.
She'll just go right into problem solving as well. She
has a mail side and we'll just come right out.
But they'll be investigating and tell me more. It's terrible
for men to talk about a problem unless they're talking

(28:43):
about that problem to somebody there need their help from.
So if I need you to help me figure this out,
here's the problem, you're the expert, help me figure it out.
That's one. Or I'm going to talk about talk about
the problem because I'm in the process of solving the problem.
And a man is passively talking about a problem which
is stressing about his stress will only go higher. So

(29:06):
you know, this is hard for women to hear because
they go, no, I want to know what's going on.
I want to know what's going on. And yeah, he
can let her know what's going on when he's feeling good,
when he's feeling confident, and if he's upset with her,
he shouldn't talk about it either. Whenever men talk and
they're emotional. What happens is their emotions just increase because
talking about emotions, talking when you're emotional only raises estrogen,

(29:31):
lowers testosterone and men. So it's the worst thing that
couples do is a man. When a man is kind
of stressed, he'll withdraw inside himself. He just sort of
he's thinking about it. You're not feeling literally, just thinking
about it, and he doesn't really clear about Okay, what
do I need to talk about it for? I'm thinking
about it, And she'll say, well, what is it? What's

(29:52):
going on inside of you? She panics because you're no
longer on the right side of your brain where there's emotions.
You're more on the left side of your b where
you're analyzing. And for her that's an uh, that's an
unusual experience because see, women have way more connective tissue
between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. They
can always be on the left and the right hemispheres

(30:14):
of the brain simultaneously. Whereas for men, most of us,
and clearly most of us, if we're thinking about something,
we're not experiencing emotion. And that's also biologically proven, is
that when a man is experiencing moderate stress, he has
his blood flow stops to the emotional part of the brain,
we become unemotional. Women only become unemotional if they're so

(30:37):
angry with you that they've shut down. So when a
man detaches, she can assume something bad is happening. He
doesn't love me, he doesn't like me, he's mad at me.
Why is he mad at me? And they can keep
asking questions to tell you, do get mad at that?
I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Speaker 3 (30:55):
It I know you were right all along. I love this.
So it's you know, the way you explain it, John,
is just it makes sense. It's like bringing this large
bubble of trying to understand it to to you know,
a way of communication that makes sense at least for me.

(31:16):
And I think I'm I've been a self improvement junkie
for years, you know, and I really focus on that.
But it really is a challenge when we're coming from
a place of different planets. Like you said, you know, when.

Speaker 1 (31:30):
You yeah, what's good communication is.

Speaker 3 (31:32):
Completely different for us.

Speaker 1 (31:35):
That is good for her aren't necessarily good for us
as much. You have to find the right balance. And
I know I just landing on a power keg there,
which is so many times when men don't want to
talk about something, women are just like banging on the
door and they don't understand that just interrupts his process.
But at the same time, she's triggered because she doesn't

(31:56):
understand that until she learns it, and so what can
she do it those times? So I was finding solutions
for these things is very important. All she has to
say to feel reassurance inside is to simply say, so,
you're thinking about it, right, and he'll really go yes,
and that it will be a complete yes. Whenever a
man says yes, you feel like, okay, we're connected. So

(32:19):
you just have to say, oh, you just seed some
time to think about it. Yes, so good, it's and
that's all you have to do.

Speaker 3 (32:26):
I can feel it when you say it. I can
feel the response of acknowledgment when you say the words
right right.

Speaker 1 (32:34):
It's all in the words. And there's so many other
skills for the women, for the men that are listening,
the women are listening is I'm My work these days
is biohacks through the relationship, not bio hacks by taking pills,
although I'm not against that, but taking hormones you know,

(32:54):
so many men there testosterone levels are low. Bio hacked,
by the way, for that. The number one biohack for
building your testosterone is don't talk about your feelings and
don't have sex with yourself. Just stop that. Really okay.
Those are the major biohacks. And the other one is
get rid of your belly fat. For younger men, they

(33:15):
don't have it yet, but for us older guys that
estrogens are. It's natural for estrogen levels to increase as
we get older. But you don't have to lower your testosterone.
Mine at seventy three or fifty percent higher than when
I was a young man. Wow, And that's what I
do the bio hacks. And one is you know, I
was just at the bank today and I was telling

(33:36):
the woman, Yeah, I just did my program. I lost
the last two weeks. I lost ten pounds and she goes, John,
you do not need to lose weight. I say, it
doesn't look like that. But when I relax my belly,
it comes out right every man, every man. But you
have to know is when you relax your belly and
it comes out, that's belly fat. And that belly fat

(33:59):
has one job, make more estrogen then when your body
makes more estrogen, it puts on more belly fat. So
you can go to the gym and you can see
these guys, you know, they're fifty years old work their
gym guys, you know, and they've got belly fat. They
cannot get rid of it. And they'll say it's all muscle.
But behind the muscle is this fat. It's not healthy

(34:19):
for them. And the number one risk factor for heart
disease for men is belly fat. Now turn that around.
What they don't say is when you have belly fat,
your testosterone levels are dramatically lower. I was just talking
with one man. He's showing me how muscular he is
and everything. I said, test your testosterode and it was

(34:42):
two hundred and for his sized body it should be
around one thousand or nine hundred. Is your size of
your body? To build, keep your muscles going and over
over exercising can lower your testosterone as well. I've seen
this many times these As a matter of fact, that
was one of my first realizations studying how many when
were different. Long before the internet, we had muscle magazines.

(35:04):
So I want to know, Okay, you know, learn how
to build muscle. All that masculinity and so forth, and
all the magazines there are all these libido pills. You know,
I'm thirty years old thinking what man needs the libido pills?
But so later on I discovered that if you over exercise,
then when you're recovering, your body uses up your testosterone

(35:25):
to rebuild your muscles and it ends up being low.
So you don't want to over exercise. You don't want to.
Of course, having sex with yourself is going to lower
your testosterone, having sex with porin and so forth. The
other one is addictions. All addictions will lower your testosterl
levels because in an addiction, what you're doing is you're

(35:47):
depending on something outside yourself to make you happy. See
that's estrogen is produced when you're depending on someone outside
yourself to make you to make you happy. That's why
you know marriage can be so great because you do
depend on your wife to make you happy. Every man
gets with a woman because it feels really good. But

(36:08):
a woman says you're amazing, right, so you're depending on her.
But so you have to go into the marriage having
your own job, your own life, your own high testosterone levels,
so that you have a way to contain your testosterone
at a high level because being with her is always
going to raise your estrogen. And if you look again,

(36:28):
people say, where do you get these ideas? John Well,
first of all, I observe it all. I've been doing
this for fifty years. But then I find the research
to back it up. What we know now is there
on average, and now these are averages. I'm not your
average guy because I understand this, but I have an
average male biology. There's nothing special about my biology at all.
And the research shows that the men with the highest

(36:51):
testosterone in each age category. Now remember this is studies
of millions of men who all go to the doctors.
They have computers, and so age category on average, testosterone
goes down one percent every year. So you've got, you know,
a thirty year old, at forty years old, it's gone
down ten percent. Then it goes down another ten percent down. Okay,

(37:11):
so you've got these average drops in testosterone according to
the Male lifestyle today averages. Now keep in mind that
a twenty year old today has twenty percent less testosterone
than just twenty years ago. Okay, so that's another I
think the big influence there is one of the big influences,
how much porn they're doing without just.

Speaker 3 (37:32):
The advent of social media and accessibility to it. And
is that what you think.

Speaker 1 (37:38):
You can just go online and put in free porn
on eighty six thousand women are already to have sex
with you. Your subconscious mind thinks that. And one of
the biggest boosters of testosterone in man is a woman
that wants to have sex with you. That's why, you know,
when women are dressing in a way that looks like
they want to have sex with you, your mind goes there.

Speaker 3 (37:58):
It's just like all testos your own, like they're they're
getting that feeling of it, but it's not actually being built.

Speaker 1 (38:04):
No, no, it does. You get a surgeon, you'll get
a surgeon testosterone, but then it crashes down again right afterwards.
If you look at the you know, we look at
the primitive brain, we can kind of compare it to
animals because unconscious and a monkey tribe, and a monkey tribe,
there's the alpha male. He has twice as much testosterone

(38:25):
as all the other monkeys, twice as much. He's the king,
and all the women basically won't have sex with him,
and he'll kill you if you have sex with the females.
So you know there's in some tribes. That's how it works.
When he dies one of the other beta monkeys, the
day he becomes alpha, he's now king. Being king, his
testosterone level is double no kidding, that's called status. So

(38:48):
your status can raise your testosterone. Now, that's because all
the females now want to have sex with you. It's
a scent you put out and the females won't sex
with you. So when a man has a wife who
wants to have sex with him, his status will. His
monkey brain goes, I'm king, but you're sleeping with it,

(39:09):
you're staying with her. It stays up. Now, when you
have a porn, your brain goes, oh, all these women
want to have sex with me. My testosterone will go
up just seeing all these people wanting to have sex
with me. Then afterwards it goes back down and there's
no reality to it. See, it's not like you're sleeping
the rest of the night with somebody waking up with

(39:29):
him who thinks you're the greatest. So sex is very
very important for men to keep their testosterone levels up.
Married men stop having sex a lot, and some men
in the beginning have too much sex too much sex
also will lower your testosterone. There's research on that. Let
me do two studies I was just mentioning. One was

(39:50):
to we'll come back to the too much sex. I'm
sure remember that one. But the other study I did
to follow up on was, so they do this one
percent down every year for men on average. Not every
man fits that. These are averages in the category. Let's
say a forty year old man in that group who
has the highest testosterone. Of that forty year old group,

(40:13):
single men who has the next highest? So it goes drops.
Is there in a committed relationship with a woman? Next
married men, next men with children, and next grandparents? Okay,
you wouldn't be grandparents at forty, But the bottom line
there is that you kind of go, why would that be?
Because when men have love in their lives. Okay, when

(40:35):
you have love, that's estrogen, and estrogen lowers testosterone. Okay,
say they balanced, It's like a seesaw. And so think
about like, as a grandfather, I just yesterday spent four
hours with my granddaughter. She's year and a half. One
of them, that's this one, and so I'm making huge
amounts of estrogen all love and safety, No risk, no danger,

(40:57):
not just hanging out with my kids, my daughter, I
have so much estrogen, I have to come home and
take a big nap. Okay, my testosterone is going way
down charge. But so let's say I'm having interviews, I
have I have six clients today and a few interviews,
I have my work. My testosterone's off the chart. Then
I will come home and I'll take a little have

(41:19):
of my meditation to rest to rebuild my testosterone. Because
you make it, you run out of it as well
as you're using it up. So this is the idea
of men in their caves. But anyway, coming back to
this big study, what they found is the single men,
these are men who are more independent who have less estrogen,
will have higher testosterone levels. Married men will have less

(41:42):
testosterone levels. And the next thing is married men who
are having a lot of sex in the beginning. Well,
there's another research study that shows that when you have
sex with your wife on Saturday night and then do
it again on Tuesday night, so you have sex, your
testosterone goes down to baseline. Baseline is what goes down

(42:03):
over the years for most men. And then so on Tuesday,
you have sex again with your wife, you go back
down the baseline. On Saturday, you have sex with your
wife from baseline and keeps going back down the baseline
every time. If you have sex with your wife on
Saturday night but not on Tuesday night and go six
days abstinence from sex, on the seventh day, your testosterone

(42:26):
levels increase fifty percent.

Speaker 3 (42:28):
Wow. And then they don't come all the way down
to baseline again, or do they go back to base.

Speaker 1 (42:33):
It will go down to baseline, It.

Speaker 3 (42:34):
Goes back to baseline, but you're increasing throughout the week.

Speaker 1 (42:38):
Not only are you increasing throughout the week, but when
you have sex with your wife on Saturday night, your
testosterone levels are fifty percent higher, which is what they
were when you fell in love. See, women want to
feel that same desire inside of a man, a desire
that's not demanding, you know, it's it's you know, it's
like you have something that's really good. You want to

(42:59):
take time to an enjoy it. You have to have
a lot of testosterone to be patient. God, when testosterone
goes down, you're impatient, you're addicted. You have to have
it now. So you know, there's that first time every man,
not every man, but many men know that you just
want to go slow. They feel so good, it's so amazing.
That's all a symptom of high testosterone and the estrogen

(43:22):
of love. So now what you have is you have
the love, but you don't have the high testosterone because
it has to increase as you get older. Now that's
why one of the reasons, there's other reasons why a
man will lose interest in his wife sexually, which is
what's happening today, and women lose interest in their husband sexually.
This has always been the case because men did not

(43:44):
have the skills to amplify the woman's estrogen levels. When
a woman depends on a man to raise her estrogen
to a higher level, she will experience romantic feelings. That's
also backed up in biology and studies. They show that
when estrogen approaches twice as high as normal, then she

(44:04):
feels I desire sex. So that's the whole idea why
we have foreplay and skillful foreplay and emotional foreplay is
what I teach, which is the emotional foreplay which allows
a woman's estrogen levels to double at any time of
the month. Okay, so she can be having sex almost
every day. And of course if he's having too much sex,

(44:27):
he will become depleted. But here's the thing is as
as he's married. Another benefit of being married in a
monogamous relationship, only if you're in a monogamous relationship committed
to your partner, and they only find this in married couples,
is that when a man has his climax, his body

(44:49):
makes a hormone called prolactin. If he's having sex with himself,
the porn with a stranger, a new woman in the beginning,
what happens is your body doesn't make pla well, what
is prolactin. Prolactin is the hormone that inhibits sexual addiction
to a certain extent. God gave us all this addiction

(45:09):
to have sex to make sure that we would have babies.
But once you find a woman have a baby with
it gives you prolactin. It causes you not to be
that interested in sex, and you'll only be interested in
sex if she's interested in sex. So this is the
dynamic of how to keep passion for a lifetime. Is
you need to have prolactin, which keeps a man from

(45:32):
pushing himself to have sex, but at the same time
she wants to have sex, and why does she want
to have sex, Because there's something called polarity. Polarity is
that if a man is more masculine and a woman
is more feminine. And by that I don't mean she
could be a tough woman in the workplace, But she's

(45:52):
making estrogen when she comes home, when she gets in
bed and she gets naked with you, and you're kissing
her and loving her and nurturing her, making love which
is an art that raises her estrogen up. And when
her estrogen goes up, then his sexual attraction dramatically increases.
But as you get older or the link of a relationship,

(46:14):
a man's interest in his wife is rekindled every time
it's rekindled in her, and rekindles it in her is polarity.
Whereas male hormones are much higher than hers, and her
female hormones are much higher than his. And now you
have every night you could be making love because of

(46:36):
the polarity, as opposed to what you were doing before,
which is you didn't have that polarity, you just had
the newness. Say, newness is sort of a drug, the
beginning of a relationship that could last for many years.
But it will go away. A familiarity sets in. Distance
is another thing I think really kept my marriage. The

(46:58):
attraction strong is because that job, and this is what
you have to be challenged with. If you're working with
your wife every day, they need that distance. They need
to go fishing, they need to go out with the guys,
need to go on a plane, they need to go
do their work somewhere else. They have a separate life,
and then they miss her. The biology misses her so

(47:18):
to go as opposed to just feeling one. If you're
just feeling one, there's no attraction. Attraction happens when there's distance,
or when there's polarity of the male side the female side.

Speaker 3 (47:30):
And that's a big thing for me. I notice it.
I go away for a day or two, I miss
her like it's been a month. I just I'm more lovy,
I'm texting like heart emojis. I just in a way
it just makes I looked at it like it's just
you know, me missing her. But actually there is chemistry
behind her.

Speaker 1 (47:49):
Oh, there's biology in it.

Speaker 3 (47:50):
Biology behind it.

Speaker 1 (47:51):
In the presence of a woman raises estrogen inside of
you if you care about her. So an estrogen is
their opposite forces and goes up. Testosterone tends to go
down unless something's amping up your testosterone, which is with
a woman. With my wife, it would be her appreciation,
her depending upon me, her trusting me, her accepting me

(48:12):
the way I am. These are the qualities a woman
can give to a man, as opposed to worrying about him,
trying to change him, competing with him, complaining to him.
Those things just push testosterone down. So it's not that
anybody's ever going to be perfect at this, but to
be aware of where our mistakes are being made. Every

(48:34):
time a woman complains, she's knocking down her husband's testosterone.
And if she's not complaining out loud and she's secretly complaining,
it knocks it down even more because at least verbally
he can defend against it. But if it's a tone
of voice, it's a look, it's a way of reacting.
It's you know, like trust is you know what you know.

(48:55):
We have people that come to us, your coach, People
feed your soul by need your help. They trust you.
You know, people trust me. It just feeds my soul.
When your wife doesn't trust you, let's say, honey, would
you help me with this, and she doesn't even ask
because she thinks she'll bother you, or you won't want
to do it, or you don't want to care. She

(49:16):
doesn't realize she's putting on a message of mistrust, and
then she gets back into the place of I have
to do it myself. All these women who are feeling overwhelmed,
they don't have someone they can trust to help them,
and it's simply just an attitude of feeling I have
help all the time. So here's another biohack. I have

(49:36):
so many, but here's one that you could do in
your marriage, for example, with your wife. It's wonderful. Just say, honey,
this is something that will help boost up your estrogen
levels and make you happier. And I'm happy to do
it because it will make you happier every day. At
some point, I want you just to put your put

(49:57):
five fingers up in the air. That's a signal that
says I'm going to ask you to do something that
will take less than five minutes. And it's something that
I could do for myself. But because you're going to
be happy to do it right away, I don't have
to do it myself. And so she has to be
looking now for ways to stop doing everything herself. It

(50:19):
might just be where you take the clothes out of
the dryer. It could be would you would you record
this show for me? Would you make me a cup
of tea? You have to even start for women to
have to start thinking of things I can ask him
to do for me that would be nice, and I
would normally do it myself, or I'm not even thinking
I have time to do it myself. Would you give

(50:40):
me a foot massage? Is what most of my clients do, okay?
And would you and would you get the oil? And
would you run and get the oil? Because women love
to see a man run. The whole idea is there
for her to feel that women live in kind of
a sea. If I have to do this, I have
to do this, I have to do this, I have
to do this. So you want to break the path
a pattern, interrupt That's all it takes is just to

(51:03):
sort of go, I'm not in a sea of have
to do I don't have to do everything because this
is what I heard this with it all the time,
whenever they're stressed, I have to do so much. I
feel overwhelmed. I have to do this, I have to
do this. Now you know they can also work on that,
which is, I don't have to do that. I'm choosing
to do that. Why am I doing that? Because I
love to do this or I care about this person,

(51:23):
But they get into an automatic. I have to. And
whenever you're into an I have to. You don't make estrogen,
you make testosterone. Testosterone is what gets us up in
the morning. As men, we get a big surge of it.
And if you haven't set goals for the next day,
you won't have as much testosterone.

Speaker 3 (51:40):
You know.

Speaker 1 (51:40):
It's like I always look at what my schedule is
the day before, so I know I have to get
up to do all that stuff I have to. I
can't just take a day off. Okay, so you want
to tell your brain, these are the things I have
to do tomorrow, So your brain's all set, and now
you get up with motivation. And I noticed this because
and maybe you've noticed this as well. With travel, is

(52:01):
sometimes I get up early to get a flight. You know,
it's leaving to get the airport, get on the plane,
and so forth. I always feel so good when I
have to be at the airport at a certain time.
You know, I wake up, my body has more energy
and whatever. And then I started learning of okay, focus,
these are things I have to do. So my schedule
is very clear the day in advance, because have to
produces testosterone.

Speaker 3 (52:23):
Get to for men and women.

Speaker 1 (52:25):
For men and women, yes, have to is a testosterone producer.
Interesting I enjoy doing. I get to do I don't
have to do is either making some estrogen if there's support,
or it makes progesterone. It's a key progesterone producer, actually,
which is for women. It's a lot more complicated. For men,
it's just up and down testosterone. For women, it's up

(52:48):
estrogen until they get to the ovulation or the full
moon somewhere around that ton. Then from ovulation to new
moon to her period, they need to be making more progesterone,
but they still need to be making estrogen, but not
as much so. Progesterone gets produced by something called social bonding,
and where you're just bonding with people socially, not necessarily

(53:11):
pair bonding. Pair bonding is you're my man, you know,
you're my wife, Okay, you're number one, as opposed you're
my friend, or you're my group or my belonging. That's
social bonding, and that's only for women who are more extroverted.
If a woman's more introverted, then she needs to do
self bonding, which is me time. You know, my daughter,

(53:33):
who is more an introvert, she wrote a whole course
for women called how to Get Your Me Time, because
this is women who busy doing things for other people.
They don't have time for themselves, and they need that
time because for those women getting taking a half hot bath,
spending time in the garden, going for a walk in nature,
doing something enjoyable for them, reading a book, these are

(53:56):
all things you could do yourself, which are very pro
gestroone producing. You know, all suicidal tendencies and women happen
typic almost all five days before their period, which is
when they need the most progesterone. When we have PMS.
You know, PMS is this women's irritability moved. They don't
like to talk about. It's reality. Every woman knows that

(54:19):
PMS is going to be more dramatic only because they're
not making enough progesterone at that time. It's confusing because
in the literature they call it estrogen dominance, like estrogen's
a bad thing. But no, you have to be making estrogen.
It's just that you're not making enough progesterone. And you
could actually be calling it testosterone dominance because the only

(54:39):
reason you don't make progesterone is because instead of doing
what you like to do, you do what you have
to do, and then you're making testosterone rather than progesterone.
So a little bit, you know, I know that's a
lot of information, and it's a.

Speaker 3 (54:53):
Lot, but it's so good, John, So tell me what
what are you up to now?

Speaker 1 (54:57):
This book here, Beyond Margin, Beyond.

Speaker 3 (54:59):
Our and Venus is your newest book and it's all
in there. Yeah, yeah, I love it. So you know,
how can people get a hold of you if they
want to reach out to you?

Speaker 1 (55:09):
Really? Mars venus dot com is a great fight. Right away,
we have a free class for you to get the basics.
Then we have, oh for women, we have a class
on sex, which I think every couple should watch, and
then it becomes a way to have a conversation about
sex and how a man in sex can raise the

(55:31):
estrogen and a woman by doing these things, you know,
she's very different from us. And then there's a class
for women only that I think couples should take. Together,
but it's really for the woman to learn understanding men.
And if there's women who are overwhelmed a lot, they
can do the class called how to get your me Time.
So there are our major classes that are very popular.

(55:53):
We have things like how to bring out the best
in a man. And then we have so many blogs
that are like little workshops and themselves that are wonderful
for people, well well scripted and so forth.

Speaker 3 (56:02):
And you partnered with you with your beautiful daughter, Lauren,
and you know, I remember you talking about how it's
bringing balance. You can speak to the woman from her
perspective and speak to the men from your perspective. And
I'm sure that's been a beautiful thing to be able
to work with her.

Speaker 1 (56:18):
You know, I do like to talk one more hack,
and we have a couple minutes, I think, and that
is weight loss. Weight loss is the most important hack
for hormone balance. There's the behavioral things, but we have
to realize that weight gain is a behavior as well.
It's your behavior with food when you have, particularly women,
when you're depending on food for your happiness, this is

(56:40):
called emotional eating. You know, you're stressed, you want to
eat something right, You're depending on the food for your comfort.
When you depend on food, and women who are overweight
are depending on food more in their lives. Even if
it's a little bit of food doesn't matter. It's just
you're depending on food to make you feel good. Then
what happens is your ability see that weight will produce estrogen.

(57:03):
But when your estrogen levels don't go down because your
weight is producing estrogen, your estrogen levels don't go down,
you don't feel the need for a man's love and
affection in a healthy way, you become needy. What you're
getting is not enough. So a lot of women who
are overweight feel no need to be with a man.
Their self esteem is very low, and so forth, because

(57:24):
they're not feeling a healthy need to be in relationship,
so they don't pursue having a relationship. So you want
to get in touch with your healthy needs for love
and support as opposed to the feeling of I have
to do it myself. When you take hormones, the same
thing happens. If you take estrogen. Then you're not feeling

(57:47):
the need to make estrogen because it's particularly the ways
you make estrogen is depending on others. The ways you
don't make estrogen is feeling. I'll take care of myself.
I'll do it all myself. I remember this is all
part of a balance. And I mentioned for men the
belly fat is and casing my belly fat starts getting
up there. And then I just do I do a

(58:08):
special program which it takes two weeks to lose five
pounds a month ten to fifteen pounds, and everybody does it.
And the reason I like to talk about it now
is because it's the only peer reviewed study at PubMed
proving that the program works. It's a program of not dieting,

(58:28):
because dieting lowers your metabolism. So yeah, you become skinny,
and then when you start eating with a low metabolism,
you know, that's what you see all these ballet dancers,
for example, who starve themselves and they become way overweight.
And so diets really don't work in the long term.
But what this program is to increase the food you
eat and lose weight by increasing the amount of protein.

(58:53):
You basically pretty much four meals a day of protein.
You pack the proachein into your body, you lose weight.
This is what the study shows. You lose weight and
you gain muscle mass, so I have more muscle mass
than just two weeks ago when I was doing this,
and that will happen again and again. If you eat, eat, travel, whatever,

(59:15):
You're not going to have the best food. You're going
to put on some weight. But what isn't it a
great thing to know you can come back and knock
that ten pounds off your belly in two weeks or
two our month. You know, for me, it just took
two weeks because I'm I pack it. I really eat
a lot of protein. But the study I do more
than the study says. But we have a program if
people are interested in that, and they say if they
go to mars Venus dot com and you go to

(59:37):
contact us and say you're interested in our weight loss program,
I have coaches that will coach you on how to
do this. I also have that's the coaches for weight loss.
I also have relationship coaches over six hundred. If you
go to mars Venus Coaching dot com, you can you

(59:58):
can get relationship coach. You can take our three month
coaching program for coaches or people that want to be
coaches to bring in the ideas of mars Venus into
your coaching practice. It just gives you an extra tool
to use, or if you're not a coach, you want
to become a course coach. It's good in that way. Also,
you learn how to teach five different Mars Venus courses

(01:00:21):
and that helps bring clientele in. You can always market
a course putting up posters online. Then people meet you think,
oh I want coaching on this, so you can create
a program with that. So we have a lot of
different programs for people to research.

Speaker 3 (01:00:34):
I love that. Thank you so much, doctor John Gray.
I appreciate you. You've always been full of contribution, and
really I think you're changing the world. I think you're
changing the world. Last question and we'll wrap it up.
What lasting legacy do you want to leave as an
imprint on your life here?

Speaker 1 (01:00:53):
Well, I feel like I've already made it with men
and from Mars. Women are from Venus, and I guess
the last thing in print I want is for my
grandchildren to grow up happy and fulfilled in their lives.

Speaker 3 (01:01:01):
Oh man, I love that. I appreciate you. I know
you have a super tight schedule. Go to Mars Venus
dot com. Folks, we appreciate you, doctor John. Thank you
for being here. Have a great day. Thanks for your contribution.

Speaker 1 (01:01:13):
Thank you so much.

Speaker 3 (01:01:14):
I appreciate you. Thank you much. Bye. All right, all right,
all right man, what a great day with John and
I appreciate all you guys. Have a great day and
I will talk to you soon