July 31, 2025 • 40 mins
Self Worth is one of the most important emotions you can have in your Emotional Intelligence toolbox! Without Self Worth you are subjected to struggles with feeling inadequate and unfulfilled in some many areas of your life! Often Self Worth is confused with Self-Esteem, in this episode M.A.Y.A. we will unpack these two emotions and share how each has purpose in helping you be the best version of yourself you strive to be!!!
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Subscribe and Share
www.Maya-Speaks.com
Connect with M.A.Y.A.
Subscribe and Share the Youtube Channel, @MayaSpeaks2U
Follow on Facebook, @MayaSpeaks2U
Episodes Also Available on iTune, Apple Podcast, iHeartradio , Amazon Audible and Spotify Podcast Platforms!!!.. Search M.A.Y.A: My Ambition Your Ambition
For all things M.A.Y.A. visit www. Maya-Speaks.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/m-a-y-a-my-ambition-your-ambition--4348579/support.
Get Social with M.A.Y.A.
Youtube, Facebook, IG & X @MayaSpeaks2U
Subscribe and Share
www.Maya-Speaks.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
The information shared on this podcast is for informational and
educational purposes only and is not intended to be a
substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While we
discuss topics related to mental health, well being and emotional support,
we are not providing therapy or medical services. Always seek
(00:37):
the advice of your physician, psychologist, psychiatrist, or other qualified
mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding
a mental health condition. If you are in crisis, feeling unsafe,
or need immediate support, please contact a mental health professional
or emergency services in your area. The views expressed by
(00:59):
guests and hosts are their own and do not necessarily
reflect those of any affiliated organizations or institutions.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Get Inspired Getting Motivated with Maya a Kai and the
Maya My Ambition, Your Ambition.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
Podcast something that I take pride and is trying to
be forward thinking, thinking, outside the box, challenging myself and
as I challenge myself, hopefully I challenge you.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Find Maya on Twitter and Instagram at Maya Underscore a
Kai on Facebook at Maya Akai Presents.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
We're going to talk health, wealth, fitness, mental health, financial,
lots of different things that can empower you as you
seek out the ambition that you're pursuing, or get everything.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Maya at maya akai dot com.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
Non mistay, everyone, Welcome to episode sixty seven. I kind
of lost my step there for a bit, but I'm
back on track. But this one is a good one
that I really have worked on for a bit because
the things that bring me to come and talk to
you are the things that I hear when I put
my ear to the ground, especially when I'm doing therapy
with people, or if I just might be watching what
(02:09):
I'm seeing on social media, and then it comes to me.
This is something that I feel I need to talk
about because I hear it in therapy with clients, but
I'm hearing people talk about their struggles with it, understanding
the importance of self worth and how it is different
than self esteem, and it's something that people take for granted.
I understand that there's nothing about mental wellness talk that's
(02:31):
sexy to anybody. This is only interesting to people when
they're in crisis. Other than this, trying to normalize a
conversation about why you need to take care of yourself
from the neck up, just like you should take care
of yourself from the neck down can be lost on people.
The whole point of the podcast I do here is
to address significant topics that are mental health mental wellness
related from an innovative and progressive perspective. Maya My Ambition,
(02:55):
Your Ambition. I often aim to de mystify things like
self doubt, self sabotage, common affliction that many people have
in their lives, so that you can facilitate and identify
the ambition that drives you. So many people don't know
what their passionate purpose is when you tune into an
episode of Maya. That's exactly what I want to help
you to understand. And one of the things I'm big
(03:18):
about is the toolbox that we have in the show.
But of course before we jump into all that, we've
got to do our housekeeping stuff. So remember there are
sixty seven sixty six other episodes of Maya, My Ambition,
Your Ambition. You can always go and find everything Maya
at ww dot Maya, dash speaks dot com. If you're
a true podcaster, pretty much you can find me on
(03:41):
every podcast platform there is iTunes, Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Amazon Audibles,
and Spotify. All you do is have to search Maya
dot M dot A, dot Y dot A my ambition,
your ambition, and you'll see all my previous episodes there.
Of course, I would implore that you do subscribe to
my YouTube channel as well. It is Maya speaks to
(04:03):
you because it's important. If you like to see not
just here, you can do that as well. So but
of course it's easy to find everything Maya. Just go
to mayadespeak dot com and boom, everything you want is there.
So let's just jump right into episode sixty seven understanding
self worth in self esteem. This is something that I
(04:25):
will tell you that you need to put into your
Maya toolbox. So this is toolbox time, and I say
this with every episode I've ever done. What I need
for you to do pretty much is pull out your
Maya toolbox because every show there's something we put in it.
The last episode we did sixty six, we talked about
self compassion, something a lot of people don't have for
themselves and they wonder why they self dot and self
(04:48):
sabotage so frequently. So in this toolbox, it's all about
emotional intelligence because self worth and self esteem are emotions
that drive so much of what we do. So remember
when we talk about emotional intelligence, as we refer to
it as EI. It's the ability to manage both your
own emotions but more importantly, to understand the emotions of
(05:09):
other people around you. See that's the part right there
that can get lost on people. You may understand how
you feel, but could be lost on why the other
person may feel how they do. This is where when
you have I would say a solid level a high
level of EI, you're gonna thrive in ways in your
life that you never anticipated. Because some key things to
(05:29):
know about EI is that some of the key components
that literally should be in your toolbox are things like
self awareness, self control, compassion, empathy. These are all things
that when you are loading up your toolbox, these are
(05:50):
things that should be in it. But the key thing
about this toolbox of how you use it, because when
you have good EI, but when you're a spy to
great EI, which is always possible, it means your capacity
to be aware of how you feel, control how you feel,
and express your emotions in a healthy way is key.
(06:14):
And then because you can do those things, you're able
to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously. But with empathy and some
of those toolbox stables I talked about are awareness, self regulation, motivation, empathy.
But here's the big thing, social and communication skills. Those
are all things you want in your toolbox. And those
are things that we are going to jump into the
(06:36):
show today and we're going to talk about. We're about
to put in that tool about self worth and self esteem.
So let's jump right into it. What exactly is self worth?
I mean, I feel like we ifee, we're all connected
and we understand it. Okay, So let me give you
the Webster's Dictionary version of what self worth is. It's
the belief that you are good, worthy, and lovable, regardless
(07:00):
to what external circumstances or achievements say. See, that's the
key thing right there. Let's do it one more time.
It is the belief that you have about yourself that
you are good, you are worthy, and you are lovable,
regardless to what the outside noise and static says. It
isn't about status, it isn't about achievement, It isn't necessarily
(07:23):
about environment. Though. All those things can pour into you,
but what they can be poured into your cup might
not be what you want to fill it. And that's
part of the toolbox piece that you really got to
start to think about that. Self awareness piece is a
big tool that you need in your box. So I'm
gonna say it one more time because I need it
to stick. Self worth is the belief that you are good, worthy,
(07:48):
and lovable, regardless to what external circumstands or achievements might say.
So ultimately, what that is saying in a nutshell is
that self worth is internal. It encompasses how you believe
in yourself inherently. It's your value, it's your lovability. It's
(08:09):
independent of life events. And I understand most people might say, well,
that's real difficult because our life is absolutely intertwined with
so many experiences. Yes, environment and people are important. There
is something that I actually posted on my Facebook page
which you can follow, which is Maya Speaks to You
on Facebook. It's a page that's towy about mental health
(08:30):
and mental awareness, and I posted something there. I post
at least an inspirational thought at least once a week
because I don't do more than that, because I want
that thought to sink in. And the thought for last
week was the people around you are either your circle
or they're your cage. Now think about that. If it's
a circle, it means they are supporting you, there is love.
It doesn't mean they're not going to be honest because,
(08:51):
by the way, when you have a circle, what that
doesn't mean is that there might not be conflict, confusion,
and disagreement. Even with the wh your healthiest relationship, those
things are going to happen. But when you have good
emotional intelligence and when you have a solid rapport and
relationship with someone, it's how you can navigate those difficult
waters to sustain those relationships, and that's where growth takes place.
(09:14):
So circle versus cage. Cage is where you feel closed in,
not supported, not appreciated, not respected. If you find yourself
that those are feelings you have in relationship dynamics, whether
they're personal relationships or professional relationships, look for the door
in the cage so you can get out, because you
(09:35):
need to fly free and find a circle versus your cage.
And that's the thing about self worth. If you don't
value you, you may not be able to distinguish the
difference between a circle and a cage because they're both round,
and you may not see what's above because you might
be looking at what's below. Lit deep. But my daily
(09:57):
inspiration at Maya Dath speaks to You dot com. It's
a blog there you can go and see the daily inspiration.
You can find out my Facebook page. Maya speaks to you.
Either way, whether you go to my page or you
go to the Daily Inspiration blog that's on my website,
it's something good there. So let that soak in. So
it's that internal feeling you have for yourself that you
(10:20):
believe inherently you are good, You value who you are,
You feel you deserve to be loved, and it is
independent of life events. So a lot of people who
struggle with self worth don't think they deserve things. You
always hear someone say, I don't think I deserve love,
I don't think I deserve to be respected. This is
so often why imposter syndrome can seek into people, because
(10:42):
when you don't value yourself, you really will not see
that you've worked to achieve something. But yet, if you
don't get external validation, it's hard for some people to
embrace the hard work and effort they have put into something.
So hence things like impostor syndrome can occur for some people.
We'll have to talk about one day too. Because a
lot of people I hear that, and I'm like, based
(11:04):
on what you just told me, it sounds like you've
accomplished a lot of things and you're worthy of the
accolades you have received. So I'm kind of struggling to
figure out why you you are the one who are
not willing to embrace the things that you have accomplished.
So self worth is internal, So then let's slightly flip
it on its side. Well, then what is self esteem?
(11:24):
Because they're often two things that people believe are interchangeable. Well,
let's webster this up too. So self esteem involves your
thoughts and your feelings just like self worth does, but
the level of confidence that you have is not as
stable or consistent because they're influenced by external factors. So
your value comes from others versus from you understanding what
(11:49):
you bring to the table. See that's when you have
those people who have that conversation who says and it
kind of sounds maybe narcissistic because some people, look, I
know what I bring to the table, so don't sit
here and talk to me like I'm not bringing something
of value. That's a person who has self worth, or
at least their self awareness is rising. One of the two,
and I think that's where a lot of people begin
to struggle because they just don't see themselves in that
(12:12):
light that they need to. So when somebody has self worth,
self esteem just can't topple it. No, it doesn't mean
your self worth doesn't waiver when you make a mistake,
because it can. But what's key to understand is that
internally you're gonna have that bounce back. So if we
dig a little deeper and we talk more about self esteem,
(12:35):
then it describes specifically the thoughts and the feelings about yourself,
but it's involves your thoughts and feelings are driven by
outside forces, which again it can be not stable because
you depend heavily on the outer world of people and
tasks and external information to figure out who you are.
(12:56):
So at that point, depending on the day, the week,
the month, the experience, the people, you can waver and
what you come to believe about yourself. And that's a
dangerous place to stand now. At the same time, I'm
not saying it's self esteem, because most people believe that
self esteem is good because they think it's self worth.
But self esteem can be healthy when it is balanced
with self worth. So the thing that makes and this
(13:22):
is what's so important. What makes them similar is that
they are both rooted and thought and feeling. So when
I posted the show on social media, this was the
graphic that was there, and I think it's an important
graphic because to me, this really embodies so much of
(13:42):
how they are interconnected. It shows a tree. So you
happen to be listened to this episode, I'm going to
create a visualization for you. It's a tree with leaves,
and at the root of that tree is where self
worth sits. Any tree that does not have deep roots
is going to struggle one to be healthy and grow.
But a good storm comes along, it could be ripped out. Now,
(14:03):
mind you, I've seen some trees that definitely had some
age on them and some deep roots, and I have
seen some storms come along and rip them out. So
I'm not gonna say it's not possible. But the idea
behind it is that deep roots into the ground. It
gives you stability and is where you grow because you
get the nutrients, you get the sunlight, you get the
water that you need to thrive. You know, that's a
(14:26):
key thing that most people don't know when you talk
about toolbox is what is it that you need to
grow and thrive and not just survive, because I think
a lot of people send survive or mode way longer
than they realize, and I think they get it confused
or they normalize it and think that that's the best
that life has to offer. What what might if you're
(14:46):
not willing to step out your comfort zone and seek
something more, if you don't feel that you're not happy,
So self worse is the root of the tree that
allows you to grow upward. And as you spring forth
into the world, you will encounter people and get accomplishments
and achievements. And this is where self esteem, which is
not bad, can grow. But you have to be careful
(15:08):
that if you can only value your accomplishments through the
lens of others, then that accomplishment may not hold for you. Hence,
this is where imposter syndrome can stup in. But if
you can put your chests out and be like, you
know something, I completed my degree, I passed my boards,
I went to that interview, I nailed that job. Hey,
(15:28):
I was struggling and I wanted to lose weight and
I lost five pounds. I hit a goal. You feel
good about the accomplishment and when your self esteem is steady,
if someone looks at you and says, hey, have you
been losing weight, and you're like, yeah, uh, like you
look great, you feel good, but you're also willing to
acknowledge the fact that you actually put the work in
(15:49):
to get it. But on the flip side, you have
some people who might get a promotion at work, who
legitimately have done the work and they deserve the promotion,
but they don't feel like they're worthy of it for
some reason. They won't look at theircomplishments of their individual
work and drive, ambition, motivation. They just don't give themselves
that kind of credit. But if somebody else comes along
(16:09):
and strokes their ego, then they're like, yeah, yeah, it's
dangerous place to be if somebody else. If you feel
like you got to have a cheer squad all the
time in life to be able to embrace what makes
you unique, you you, but more importantly your accomplishments and
those moments of greatness you have. So self esteem sits
in the middle of the tree. The thing about it
(16:30):
is when you find the balance with self worth and
self esteem, it springs into self confidence. So self worth
is the root in the root, and like the trunk
of the tree, self esteem becomes the branches. And self
confidence are like the leaves that literally may come and grow.
(16:50):
You may have abundance of them, other times they may,
you know, change with the season. But the thing is
you feel that you have the ability to achieve so
many things. So that was the nice graphic that was
the for this episode that I wanted to kind of
dig deeper in, and there was a reason that I
chose it. But just like it's important to know how
these things are similar, let's be sure to acknowledge what
(17:13):
makes them different. If your recause I was talking about
each I said that self worth is internal and versus
self esteem is external. So you are compelled within to
have compassion. You have self awareness, You value yourself, You
(17:34):
know your good and what. You will never hear yourself
even in your moments of failure. You won't hear yourself
say I don't deserve that, I'm not good enough, I
wasn't worthy. Because when you have self worth, even when
you make a mistake, you will be accountable and say, ooh,
I really messed that up this time. That was not
my best work. I messed up I got to own that.
(17:54):
I gotta be accountable. I know I can do better,
and then you set forth to do exactly that. Where
As self esteem, when it's external and you're looking for
someone else to validate you or tell you what you're
worth is you'd often don't have the ability to step
back and say, oh wow, okay, I made a mistake.
I can bounce back from that. I can get up
if they don't. For some people, if that someone doesn't
(18:16):
tell them they can bounce back, they don't believe it.
One of the things I always see in therapy, and
it literally drives me crazy. Is there such a lack
of self worth when other people have struggled? Do you
know how many people are waiting for someone else to
come and save them? And obviously I can't say it
as a therapist directly like that, but I want to be
the one that flat out tell you the only person
(18:37):
who can save you is you, and within you is
that self worth value. It might be your spirituality, whatever
it is, but you are aware that whatever the hardship
you are going through, that you're gonna have to be
the one who's gonna dig in your heels and do
the work to progress forward. Now, what that doesn't mean,
and don't get it twisted, is that there's not support,
(18:59):
that there can't be people that help you on that journey.
But the problem is too many people want to lean
real deep into other people, making the assumption that those
people are going to be the ones that are going
to be able to make the change for them. The
change comes from within. The outside might just be the
thing that motivates you a bid. A lot of times
(19:21):
I'll hear this in therapy, and I don't tell people
necessarily that it's wrong, but I tell them we might
need to have a shift because at one point that
may not be enough. When someone will tell me, because
I'm also not just a licensed clinical professional counselor, I'm
also a certified alcohol and droid counselor. When I work
with people specifically with addiction, and often they will say
(19:42):
to me, I'm doing this for my kids, I'm doing
this for my spouse. In the back of my mind,
I'm saying, and you're not going to get to where
you need to be because you're not doing it for you.
The thing I say to people constantly in therapy is
that when you are the best version of you, every
single part of your life just blossoms. So your relationships
will improve, You will be better at your job, your
(20:04):
relationship with your kids, all those things improve because you
have invested in you. You see your worth and your value.
And whenever you cultivate you, the lights time is so bright.
It falls into every other aspect of your life. The
thing about it is it is hard, and I don't
say that is that it's an easy tax. That's why
I can respect people who show up in therapy because
(20:25):
everyone who shows up in therapy it's not about being crazy.
There's something in their life that they need to work on.
And I always say, your therapy space is where you
can feel safe and unjudged and work on things and
know whatever it is you say to me, and people
like I'm sure you this is the worst thing you
ever heard, and I'm like, no, no, it's not. But
it doesn't matter because if you feel that way, we
(20:45):
got to unpack why you feel that way, because I
want you to get to the point where you no
longer need to walk through my door. That's my purpose
to get you to where you need to be. And
let's be honest, sometimes we can't say those things to
our family members to our friends, because inherently we can
all say that we are not judgmental, but as creatures,
as humans, we can be a little judgmental, even we're
(21:05):
trying not to be. In the back of your mind,
you know you're saying you know that wouldn't write what
you did, or you know that stupid, or you're so stupid.
You may not say it out loud, but you have
a thought when somebody says something that seems really asinine
to you, like why would you do that? And it's
hard not to be judgmental, especially if you're in situations
where you have been a person's support for a long
time and they keep making the same mistakes. And this
(21:28):
is one of the things I talk with people about
when they get really upset with their family and their
friends who seem like they have started to back away
because they're repeating the same mistakes. And often this can
be with substance abuse, or there can be some behavioral
issues and people start to push back and push away
and they become angry with them, and I look at
them and I said, you do realize they have gone
(21:51):
through the motions with you so many times. If you
think what you feel they don't feel. It's not the
same feeling. But when you have despair, when someone loves you,
they all have despair, and they are getting to the
point where they are putting up a boundary because if
they feel they can't fix you. And often people guess what,
we can't fix other people. We can only be their support,
We can only fix ourselves. They start to give, They
(22:13):
start to put their hands up and say, if I
don't put this wall up, just like you are slowly
drowning or burying yourself. If I'm not careful, I'll go
down with you. And I'm not doing that because I
also have to preserve my emotional and mental health. I'm
willing to be there and cheer you on and give
you support, but I'm not gonna do your heavy lifting.
(22:36):
A lot of people get highly offended with people who
draw a line in the sand because they get to
the point of no return, like I can't fix this
for you. All I can do is try to help you.
And that's when I understand that people are not in
that space of doing that work, that self awareness to
get it isn't just about you all the time, and
people have a right to have self preservation. That's a
(23:00):
toughie and a lot of people struggle with that. So
knowing the difference about internal influence and external influence is
the thing that really makes the difference. And I'm gonna
look at you and tell you this is not easy
by any stretch of the imagination. It's not, but it's work.
And I always applaud and commend all my people who
show up in therapy and don't worry about the stigma
(23:23):
and what other people might think, because what other people
might think is probably the reason you struggling to Sam,
And it's one point you gotta be like, why am
I worried about what they're thinking when internally I'm falling apart.
I'm trying to do the work on me. I got
to learn to put me first, That's the thing. And
that's when I know that people are ready to do
the work, when they finally say I'm ready to put
(23:43):
myself first. It's a scary proposition, but I guarantee you
it's worth the risk. It is the one risk you
will make. Episode either sixty five or sixty six is
about the economy of self, and the other is about
self compassion. You can't remember which one is which they
are worth a listen because they really start to frame up.
(24:04):
If you struggle with putting yourself first, but you feel
like you're emotionally and mentally continually drowning, these two episodes
will give reasons why, Hey, if you see a life preserver,
if you see somebody putting their hand out, why you
need to take it. So take a listen to those
two episodes. They're totally worth it. So let's talk about
the action behind things. So it isn't easy to cultivate
(24:27):
self worse, So I'm gonna break it down really simply
on this one. The external influence can be heavy upon
us because as we enter this world as infants, all
we know is what is presented to us. So our
family becomes the example that we think we're supposed to follow.
(24:48):
We often call it when children look at adults or
their parents, we call it scaffolding that they look to
to build and climb the way that they see the
adults in their life. Because let's be honest, is children
we don't necessarily know right from wrong until we get
old enough to figure out maybe something's not right. But
we take in a lot of other people's values and
we let them often decide our worth. So this is
(25:09):
sad when a child will feel that they're not good
enough because no matter what they do for their parents,
they are always scolded. There's not enough nurture and celebration
of who they are. You must strike balance with children,
because yes, it's important when they make a mistake to
help them understand it, but do it with compassion so
they can learn from it, which then makes them better communicators.
But also helps them to have better social skills because
(25:32):
when they fail or make a mistake, they can know
it's okay to be accountable and not feel like they
have to cover up or lie or hide because they
think that other people will criticize them. So a lot
of our self worth as children is totally external. It's
not until we begin to mature as adults. We begin
to step into the world and all of a sudden,
(25:53):
I say, our emotion and mental ecosystem expands because it's
no longer just about family and you always had friends
maybe along the way, but you kind of move into
bigger and you move in bigger spaces. I'm not going
to say circles because remember I said before circle versus cage,
So I'm gonna say you start moving in spaces because
you can choose to leave a space. Circles a little
you know, something you kind of put around you because
(26:13):
you want it there. So when we start to experience
life through other lenses, that's when often young adults will
not always bring forward the values they had shared with
their parents. I met plenty of people will be like,
I don't agree with that. My parents think that, but
I don't. I just don't agree with that. And it's
because they've learned something, they've experienced, something that's begun to
(26:33):
shape them there their values are changing. That doesn't mean
that all their values will change, but there's some things
that are unique to them that maybe they just don't
share with their family or certain friends. This is why
friend circles can change over time as well. As you mature,
you may not find you have the same thing in
common with people as you did before. And that's okay,
there's no harm, there's no file. But a lot of
(26:54):
people kind of struggle with they think they're going to
have friends for life. Well not necessarily. So as you
grow and experience things, those external influences, you may begin
to shut them out because you become more self aware,
and this is where beginning to be self aware, then
that can turn into compassion, and then that can be
(27:14):
worth to know that despite what people may have told you.
This is where trauma and abuse can be so hard
for adults because it's so deeply rooted that if you
were told that you were not good enough. I mean,
I've had people I'm just gonna say this candidly who
have told me in therapy and working with them, and
I've had friends whose parents had told them you're not shit,
(27:37):
You're not gonna be shit. Okay, let's be honest. If
someone's talking to you like it, that is a child.
It takes some heavy lifting to get from underneath that
burden of hate, and that's hard. That's why when people
do the work, I can appreciate the fact that they're
going on a journey that's not going to be easy.
But I always say, if you stay the course, you're
(27:59):
gonna step on a that's going to feel a lot different.
And what is going to make you sad is when
you look back and maybe understand what you have to
leave behind to walk in your life of joy, in
your life of truth. A lot of people struggle with
self worth might mean that you have to leave people
behind because they're toxic, negative, do not have your best
(28:20):
interest at heart, they're self serving. Okay, those things don't
work for you, and you can't change people, so you
may have to leave some baggage behind. And a lot
of people sometimes will choose to not leave it behind,
and their entire life will never turn into what it's
supposed to be because they valued someone else over themselves.
Their self worth was not strong enough so they could
(28:42):
choose themselves. There's a saying that I absolutely love this
says comparison is a thief of joy. I think Roosevelt
said it. There're are Roosevelt, and it's true. And this
is why self esteem can be wavering. Because you accomplish
something right and you're feeling good. You're feeling this right,
you feel good, and then you see somebody else and
(29:03):
you're like oh, and all of a sudden, you just
start comparing yourself and what you did is no longer
good enough. That's a disservice to you. I a really
tell people we are all unique. Look, there's some things
in life that we're gonna have to learn to have
to learn to accept about ourselves. And then we work
on ourselves to be our best versions, Like, look, I'm
never gonna be any taller, I'm never gonna be that
(29:24):
really skinny person. I got a list of things that
I would love to see different about myself, but they
are not changing, they are not immutable. I can't change them.
But I look at all the things about me that
makes me me unique, and I work that angle. I'm like, look,
you gotta work you as business. You're trying to do
somebody else's, chances are you're gonna always be unhappy because
you're never gonna attain certain things. This is why I
(29:46):
don't like when I hear sayings like keeping up with
the Joneses. I always say, like, who the hell of
the jones is? And why is anybody keeping up with them?
That's the first thing, and the Joneses probably aren't even
who you think they are. The other one that I
want people to throw right out the window of the
door wherever flush it down the toilet is fake it
till you make it. No be who you are in
(30:08):
the moment, so you can be familiar with what are
your strengths, weakness, is what you want to change about yourself,
and then you work on achieving those things. Don't wear
a mask for the sake that you feel it's not
good enough for somebody else. That's a problem. And when
people say stuff like that, I'm like, pump the brakes, no,
be you and be good with it, because if you
have higher aspirations, then guess what you just put the
(30:31):
work in to do it. Those kind of sayings just
to me, they're external influences that can be negative reinforcement,
and they mislead and they're inaccurate because they're not basing
things on people's ability, and worse, they're not embracing who
you are or what the best are you in the moment,
And that's something that I feel like people have to
(30:53):
think about. So when we talk about this being a
toolbox episode, one of the things that I want you
to think about here is the takeaway. How do you
assess your perception of your self worth and self esteem?
One's external, one's internal. I want you to look at
yourself and legitimately say do I really love myself? And
(31:14):
if you say no, you better start asking why? Two?
Do you believe that you are lovable and you deserve
to be loved? And there's no caveat of why if
I love you, it's because of this That sounds like
somebody who needs to sit in your life. Do you
feel worthy of respect? Do you feel that you are
worthy of being appreciated and celebrated for who you are
(31:37):
in the moment and not who you might be. It's
great to have aspirations to grow to want to be
a better version of yourself, but sometimes I need people
to give themselves a life warm hug about who they
are in the moment. Like, girlfriend, we got some work
to do, but you do it. Hey, bro, you doing this?
You working hard. People can are trying to tell you
what you can't do. You got this, You can do this.
Give yourself a hug in the moment, because that's what
(31:58):
self compassion teaches you. You're not always going to be stellar.
Sometimes you're just going to be average. There might be
some days where you're blow average. Take it and be like,
not my best day. But there's always tomorrow, and that's
what's important being optimistic about it. Something else that needs
to be in a toolbox, by the way, is optimism,
because right now we're kind of living in the world
where optimism is being drowned by so many negative things.
(32:21):
It's so toxic right now in the world. The thing is,
there's so many people out there that are positive. We
need to get together collectively, that's the thing. So I
need you to I really need you to assess your
self worth. And then the self esteem part, the external.
I wanted to ask yourself, what are the external influences
that often impact the way that I feel about myself?
Is it my work performance? Is it that all my
(32:43):
friends think I'm highly intelligent? Is it in my family
I'm the go to person and that makes me feel good? Like?
What are the things but externally that you feel pour in?
They pour into you? Now, that's pouring into you. Part
is something we talk about in the Economy of Self episode.
I need you to be careful about what people are
pouring in your cook you know, because it may not
(33:03):
be something that you want to partake or drink, and
I think people don't think about that. It's one thing.
Someone can be totally pulling bs into your cup. You're
not trying to consume bs, You're not. Someone can be
trying to pour fluff into your cup. You're not trying
to consume fluff. You want sustenance. So you got to
be careful. If people are faking what they're trying to
feed you under the guise that they are supportive and loving,
(33:27):
you should know at this point what support and love
feels like. If it don't feel right, chances are it's
probably wrong. But a lot of times people struggle with that.
That's the thing, that's the takeaway. That's what I want
you to start to think about when you think about
self worth and self esteem. That's how I want you
(33:47):
to begin to do the assessment. How do you value yourself?
Do you respect yourself? You respect the decisions that you
can make, and you don't feel that you need other
people to come behind you and to affirm what you're
thinking or what you want to do. Don't who confuse
us with You're not asking for constructive criticism. Ooh, bad
word constructive feedback, because for criticism is something that should
(34:07):
not exist. Feedback's not always positive, but it shouldn't be critical.
So you may go to somebody and say, I need
to pick your brain about something i'm thinking about. That's different.
That's healthy. That means you're open to feedback. That's a
good social skill. That's good communication. That's when you know
you're using stuff in your toolbox when you can take
feedback without jumping in your feelings, Like when someone has
to tell you something that you may not like. If
(34:29):
you instantly get defensive, you need to think about why
did I get defensive? They need to discuss something with me.
I need to listen before I draw a conclusion if
somehow it's a scathing indictment about me as a person.
So these are the kind of things you got to
notice about yourself. Genia. Only feel good about yourself when
someone is giving you a round of applause. If this
(34:50):
is where you stand, this is not good self assessment
about worth and esteem? Is your homework coming out of
this episode? All right, everybody, this is going to be
a shorter episode. I have decided I'm trying to get
episodes shorter because I think sometimes people are like I
like listening to her, but she text too much. So
(35:11):
I figured I gave you the nuts and bolts of
what you need to think about, so before I break out,
there's something I want to share with you that's important.
I'm excited because there will be episode sixty eight on Saturday.
Kicking off this Saturday will be the Ambition shows. And
if you heard me talk about this before. This is
something that I wanted to begin to weave into the show.
Maya my ambition, your ambition. I want to bring people
(35:34):
on that could talk about how they took their passion
and their purpose and drove it home with Ambition, and
each one coming on is going to share with you
whether they have created something, they work with people, but
they're doing something that's dynamic that makes them altruistic. Because
the thing about purpose is wanting to leave your footprint
on the world and to help people. It's beyond you,
(35:56):
whereas often passion is more internal and can be wavery
These people have found something that's so unique and they
want to share something with the world. And so four
episodes in August, starting on August second, is the Ambition Shows.
It's going to be at two o'clock PM Central THANDERD Time,
and the first guest on the show, I Cannot wait
is going to be Kamar Blue, who's the CEO of
(36:17):
Mental Happy. Her story is so unique and it's crazy
because it started in high school and it started in
an event that when she talks about it, everybody is
gonna know about her passion became finding ways for people
to find support and she made that into a purpose.
And mental Happy is a support app. And literally, whether
(36:38):
you're looking for a support group and they've got support
groups for everything, they got support groups for it. You're
grieving from a breakup, you've got disgrountal family issues, you know,
you have a problem with your boss, there's a support
group for everything on there. So if you're looking for
a support group that you often couldn't find, you might
want to check out the mental app. But let's just
(36:58):
say you've always wanted to create her own support group.
You can do that as well, but you want to
hear her story and you can tell you more about
how the platform works and the value of it and
how it's different than just creating you know, maybe a
top group on Google Meets or even Zoom, which is
nothing wrong with any of those things, but this is
actually a little different. If you're looking to kind of
level up what you're trying to do, this might be
(37:20):
a space that's gonna work for a lot of people
who have been looking for a way to maybe connect
with more people or connect more people. So you definitely
want to make sure that you tune in this Saturday
at two pm Central Standard time. The first phase of
the Ambition show is gonna be Tamar Blue. She is
a CEO of Mental Happy and I am so excited.
(37:42):
I think you guys are all going to be absolutely
just You're gonna love her story and when you hear
how it came about, you're gonna say wow. This is
something that was a long time coming and very very
very much needed. All right, everybody, As I said, I
was not gonna linger. I was to make this short,
but sweek so as always, I've got to do my
(38:03):
wrap up stuff. So just remember that you can find
all episodes of Maya and iTunes, the Apple podcasts, iHeartRadio,
Amazon Audibles and Spotify. Those are all pretty much podcasts
platforms that everybody knows where you can just search Maya,
My Ambition, Your Ambition. Of course, you can listen to
episodes of Maya, My Ambition, Your Ambition. You can always
(38:25):
just go to the easy way to kind of find them.
These are's links actually on www. Dot Maya dasspeaks dot com.
You can just go to the podcast page and click.
You can go right to the link of whatever your
podcast platform is. I would also like to encourage you
all to subscribe and share my YouTube channel which is
Maya Speaks to You as well as that is my
(38:45):
Facebook page, Maya Speaks to You, So subscribe and share.
I may not be saying something that may not be
pertinent for you, but I feel like there might or
could be someone in your life that could get some
value from what I'm saying. So can I say subscribe
and share. It's not just because oh I want you
to make me famous, No, not at all. But my
goal is the reason why podcast is I want to
share my message with some more people beyond just in therapy.
(39:09):
That's one on one which I love, but there's so
many other people who need encouragement and I like to
share those things. But of course, remember like I said,
for all things Maya, you can always just visit www
dot Maya dak speaks dot com. Make sure you tune
in this Saturday for episode sixty eight. Like I said,
it's going to have on Tamar Blue, who is the
(39:30):
CEO of Mental Happy. I think you will absolutely enjoy
every minute of it. And the month of August has
a lot of dynamic people coming on to share their story,
so make sure you don't miss it. But if you do,
there's always going to be a way that you can
catch it my podcast, YouTube or podcast platforms. All right, everyone,
I'll see you on Saturday at two pm Central Standard
(39:53):
time CHOW.
Speaker 2 (39:58):
Whether you're on the.
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Listening on your cell phone, tablet, or laptop, you can
find the show in the iTunes, Google, and iHeartRadio platforms
ode respect.
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I believe this is going to be our finest hour.
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Just search Maya my ambition, your ambition, and get ready
to be inspired and motivated to harness your ambition.
The information shared on this podcast is for informational and
educational purposes only and is not intended to be a
substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While we
discuss topics related to mental health, well being and emotional support,
we are not providing therapy or medical services. Always seek
(00:37):
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Speaker 2 (01:10):
Get Inspired Getting Motivated with Maya a Kai and the
Maya My Ambition, Your Ambition.
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Podcast something that I take pride and is trying to
be forward thinking, thinking, outside the box, challenging myself and
as I challenge myself, hopefully I challenge you.
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Find Maya on Twitter and Instagram at Maya Underscore a
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We're going to talk health, wealth, fitness, mental health, financial,
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Maya at maya akai dot com.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
Non mistay, everyone, Welcome to episode sixty seven. I kind
of lost my step there for a bit, but I'm
back on track. But this one is a good one
that I really have worked on for a bit because
the things that bring me to come and talk to
you are the things that I hear when I put
my ear to the ground, especially when I'm doing therapy
with people, or if I just might be watching what
(02:09):
I'm seeing on social media, and then it comes to me.
This is something that I feel I need to talk
about because I hear it in therapy with clients, but
I'm hearing people talk about their struggles with it, understanding
the importance of self worth and how it is different
than self esteem, and it's something that people take for granted.
I understand that there's nothing about mental wellness talk that's
(02:31):
sexy to anybody. This is only interesting to people when
they're in crisis. Other than this, trying to normalize a
conversation about why you need to take care of yourself
from the neck up, just like you should take care
of yourself from the neck down can be lost on people.
The whole point of the podcast I do here is
to address significant topics that are mental health mental wellness
related from an innovative and progressive perspective. Maya My Ambition,
(02:55):
Your Ambition. I often aim to de mystify things like
self doubt, self sabotage, common affliction that many people have
in their lives, so that you can facilitate and identify
the ambition that drives you. So many people don't know
what their passionate purpose is when you tune into an
episode of Maya. That's exactly what I want to help
you to understand. And one of the things I'm big
(03:18):
about is the toolbox that we have in the show.
But of course before we jump into all that, we've
got to do our housekeeping stuff. So remember there are
sixty seven sixty six other episodes of Maya, My Ambition,
Your Ambition. You can always go and find everything Maya
at ww dot Maya, dash speaks dot com. If you're
a true podcaster, pretty much you can find me on
(03:41):
every podcast platform there is iTunes, Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Amazon Audibles,
and Spotify. All you do is have to search Maya
dot M dot A, dot Y dot A my ambition,
your ambition, and you'll see all my previous episodes there.
Of course, I would implore that you do subscribe to
my YouTube channel as well. It is Maya speaks to
(04:03):
you because it's important. If you like to see not
just here, you can do that as well. So but
of course it's easy to find everything Maya. Just go
to mayadespeak dot com and boom, everything you want is there.
So let's just jump right into episode sixty seven understanding
self worth in self esteem. This is something that I
(04:25):
will tell you that you need to put into your
Maya toolbox. So this is toolbox time, and I say
this with every episode I've ever done. What I need
for you to do pretty much is pull out your
Maya toolbox because every show there's something we put in it.
The last episode we did sixty six, we talked about
self compassion, something a lot of people don't have for
themselves and they wonder why they self dot and self
(04:48):
sabotage so frequently. So in this toolbox, it's all about
emotional intelligence because self worth and self esteem are emotions
that drive so much of what we do. So remember
when we talk about emotional intelligence, as we refer to
it as EI. It's the ability to manage both your
own emotions but more importantly, to understand the emotions of
(05:09):
other people around you. See that's the part right there
that can get lost on people. You may understand how
you feel, but could be lost on why the other
person may feel how they do. This is where when
you have I would say a solid level a high
level of EI, you're gonna thrive in ways in your
life that you never anticipated. Because some key things to
(05:29):
know about EI is that some of the key components
that literally should be in your toolbox are things like
self awareness, self control, compassion, empathy. These are all things
that when you are loading up your toolbox, these are
(05:50):
things that should be in it. But the key thing
about this toolbox of how you use it, because when
you have good EI, but when you're a spy to
great EI, which is always possible, it means your capacity
to be aware of how you feel, control how you feel,
and express your emotions in a healthy way is key.
(06:14):
And then because you can do those things, you're able
to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously. But with empathy and some
of those toolbox stables I talked about are awareness, self regulation, motivation, empathy.
But here's the big thing, social and communication skills. Those
are all things you want in your toolbox. And those
are things that we are going to jump into the
(06:36):
show today and we're going to talk about. We're about
to put in that tool about self worth and self esteem.
So let's jump right into it. What exactly is self worth?
I mean, I feel like we ifee, we're all connected
and we understand it. Okay, So let me give you
the Webster's Dictionary version of what self worth is. It's
the belief that you are good, worthy, and lovable, regardless
(07:00):
to what external circumstances or achievements say. See, that's the
key thing right there. Let's do it one more time.
It is the belief that you have about yourself that
you are good, you are worthy, and you are lovable,
regardless to what the outside noise and static says. It
isn't about status, it isn't about achievement, It isn't necessarily
(07:23):
about environment. Though. All those things can pour into you,
but what they can be poured into your cup might
not be what you want to fill it. And that's
part of the toolbox piece that you really got to
start to think about that. Self awareness piece is a
big tool that you need in your box. So I'm
gonna say it one more time because I need it
to stick. Self worth is the belief that you are good, worthy,
(07:48):
and lovable, regardless to what external circumstands or achievements might say.
So ultimately, what that is saying in a nutshell is
that self worth is internal. It encompasses how you believe
in yourself inherently. It's your value, it's your lovability. It's
(08:09):
independent of life events. And I understand most people might say, well,
that's real difficult because our life is absolutely intertwined with
so many experiences. Yes, environment and people are important. There
is something that I actually posted on my Facebook page
which you can follow, which is Maya Speaks to You
on Facebook. It's a page that's towy about mental health
(08:30):
and mental awareness, and I posted something there. I post
at least an inspirational thought at least once a week
because I don't do more than that, because I want
that thought to sink in. And the thought for last
week was the people around you are either your circle
or they're your cage. Now think about that. If it's
a circle, it means they are supporting you, there is love.
It doesn't mean they're not going to be honest because,
(08:51):
by the way, when you have a circle, what that
doesn't mean is that there might not be conflict, confusion,
and disagreement. Even with the wh your healthiest relationship, those
things are going to happen. But when you have good
emotional intelligence and when you have a solid rapport and
relationship with someone, it's how you can navigate those difficult
waters to sustain those relationships, and that's where growth takes place.
(09:14):
So circle versus cage. Cage is where you feel closed in,
not supported, not appreciated, not respected. If you find yourself
that those are feelings you have in relationship dynamics, whether
they're personal relationships or professional relationships, look for the door
in the cage so you can get out, because you
(09:35):
need to fly free and find a circle versus your cage.
And that's the thing about self worth. If you don't
value you, you may not be able to distinguish the
difference between a circle and a cage because they're both round,
and you may not see what's above because you might
be looking at what's below. Lit deep. But my daily
(09:57):
inspiration at Maya Dath speaks to You dot com. It's
a blog there you can go and see the daily inspiration.
You can find out my Facebook page. Maya speaks to you.
Either way, whether you go to my page or you
go to the Daily Inspiration blog that's on my website,
it's something good there. So let that soak in. So
it's that internal feeling you have for yourself that you
(10:20):
believe inherently you are good, You value who you are,
You feel you deserve to be loved, and it is
independent of life events. So a lot of people who
struggle with self worth don't think they deserve things. You
always hear someone say, I don't think I deserve love,
I don't think I deserve to be respected. This is
so often why imposter syndrome can seek into people, because
(10:42):
when you don't value yourself, you really will not see
that you've worked to achieve something. But yet, if you
don't get external validation, it's hard for some people to
embrace the hard work and effort they have put into something.
So hence things like impostor syndrome can occur for some people.
We'll have to talk about one day too. Because a
lot of people I hear that, and I'm like, based
(11:04):
on what you just told me, it sounds like you've
accomplished a lot of things and you're worthy of the
accolades you have received. So I'm kind of struggling to
figure out why you you are the one who are
not willing to embrace the things that you have accomplished.
So self worth is internal, So then let's slightly flip
it on its side. Well, then what is self esteem?
(11:24):
Because they're often two things that people believe are interchangeable. Well,
let's webster this up too. So self esteem involves your
thoughts and your feelings just like self worth does, but
the level of confidence that you have is not as
stable or consistent because they're influenced by external factors. So
your value comes from others versus from you understanding what
(11:49):
you bring to the table. See that's when you have
those people who have that conversation who says and it
kind of sounds maybe narcissistic because some people, look, I
know what I bring to the table, so don't sit
here and talk to me like I'm not bringing something
of value. That's a person who has self worth, or
at least their self awareness is rising. One of the two,
and I think that's where a lot of people begin
to struggle because they just don't see themselves in that
(12:12):
light that they need to. So when somebody has self worth,
self esteem just can't topple it. No, it doesn't mean
your self worth doesn't waiver when you make a mistake,
because it can. But what's key to understand is that
internally you're gonna have that bounce back. So if we
dig a little deeper and we talk more about self esteem,
(12:35):
then it describes specifically the thoughts and the feelings about yourself,
but it's involves your thoughts and feelings are driven by
outside forces, which again it can be not stable because
you depend heavily on the outer world of people and
tasks and external information to figure out who you are.
(12:56):
So at that point, depending on the day, the week,
the month, the experience, the people, you can waver and
what you come to believe about yourself. And that's a
dangerous place to stand now. At the same time, I'm
not saying it's self esteem, because most people believe that
self esteem is good because they think it's self worth.
But self esteem can be healthy when it is balanced
with self worth. So the thing that makes and this
(13:22):
is what's so important. What makes them similar is that
they are both rooted and thought and feeling. So when
I posted the show on social media, this was the
graphic that was there, and I think it's an important
graphic because to me, this really embodies so much of
(13:42):
how they are interconnected. It shows a tree. So you
happen to be listened to this episode, I'm going to
create a visualization for you. It's a tree with leaves,
and at the root of that tree is where self
worth sits. Any tree that does not have deep roots
is going to struggle one to be healthy and grow.
But a good storm comes along, it could be ripped out. Now,
(14:03):
mind you, I've seen some trees that definitely had some
age on them and some deep roots, and I have
seen some storms come along and rip them out. So
I'm not gonna say it's not possible. But the idea
behind it is that deep roots into the ground. It
gives you stability and is where you grow because you
get the nutrients, you get the sunlight, you get the
water that you need to thrive. You know, that's a
(14:26):
key thing that most people don't know when you talk
about toolbox is what is it that you need to
grow and thrive and not just survive, because I think
a lot of people send survive or mode way longer
than they realize, and I think they get it confused
or they normalize it and think that that's the best
that life has to offer. What what might if you're
(14:46):
not willing to step out your comfort zone and seek
something more, if you don't feel that you're not happy,
So self worse is the root of the tree that
allows you to grow upward. And as you spring forth
into the world, you will encounter people and get accomplishments
and achievements. And this is where self esteem, which is
not bad, can grow. But you have to be careful
(15:08):
that if you can only value your accomplishments through the
lens of others, then that accomplishment may not hold for you. Hence,
this is where imposter syndrome can stup in. But if
you can put your chests out and be like, you
know something, I completed my degree, I passed my boards,
I went to that interview, I nailed that job. Hey,
(15:28):
I was struggling and I wanted to lose weight and
I lost five pounds. I hit a goal. You feel
good about the accomplishment and when your self esteem is steady,
if someone looks at you and says, hey, have you
been losing weight, and you're like, yeah, uh, like you
look great, you feel good, but you're also willing to
acknowledge the fact that you actually put the work in
(15:49):
to get it. But on the flip side, you have
some people who might get a promotion at work, who
legitimately have done the work and they deserve the promotion,
but they don't feel like they're worthy of it for
some reason. They won't look at theircomplishments of their individual
work and drive, ambition, motivation. They just don't give themselves
that kind of credit. But if somebody else comes along
(16:09):
and strokes their ego, then they're like, yeah, yeah, it's
dangerous place to be if somebody else. If you feel
like you got to have a cheer squad all the
time in life to be able to embrace what makes
you unique, you you, but more importantly your accomplishments and
those moments of greatness you have. So self esteem sits
in the middle of the tree. The thing about it
(16:30):
is when you find the balance with self worth and
self esteem, it springs into self confidence. So self worth
is the root in the root, and like the trunk
of the tree, self esteem becomes the branches. And self
confidence are like the leaves that literally may come and grow.
(16:50):
You may have abundance of them, other times they may,
you know, change with the season. But the thing is
you feel that you have the ability to achieve so
many things. So that was the nice graphic that was
the for this episode that I wanted to kind of
dig deeper in, and there was a reason that I
chose it. But just like it's important to know how
these things are similar, let's be sure to acknowledge what
(17:13):
makes them different. If your recause I was talking about
each I said that self worth is internal and versus
self esteem is external. So you are compelled within to
have compassion. You have self awareness, You value yourself, You
(17:34):
know your good and what. You will never hear yourself
even in your moments of failure. You won't hear yourself
say I don't deserve that, I'm not good enough, I
wasn't worthy. Because when you have self worth, even when
you make a mistake, you will be accountable and say, ooh,
I really messed that up this time. That was not
my best work. I messed up I got to own that.
(17:54):
I gotta be accountable. I know I can do better,
and then you set forth to do exactly that. Where
As self esteem, when it's external and you're looking for
someone else to validate you or tell you what you're
worth is you'd often don't have the ability to step
back and say, oh wow, okay, I made a mistake.
I can bounce back from that. I can get up
if they don't. For some people, if that someone doesn't
(18:16):
tell them they can bounce back, they don't believe it.
One of the things I always see in therapy, and
it literally drives me crazy. Is there such a lack
of self worth when other people have struggled? Do you
know how many people are waiting for someone else to
come and save them? And obviously I can't say it
as a therapist directly like that, but I want to be
the one that flat out tell you the only person
(18:37):
who can save you is you, and within you is
that self worth value. It might be your spirituality, whatever
it is, but you are aware that whatever the hardship
you are going through, that you're gonna have to be
the one who's gonna dig in your heels and do
the work to progress forward. Now, what that doesn't mean,
and don't get it twisted, is that there's not support,
(18:59):
that there can't be people that help you on that journey.
But the problem is too many people want to lean
real deep into other people, making the assumption that those
people are going to be the ones that are going
to be able to make the change for them. The
change comes from within. The outside might just be the
thing that motivates you a bid. A lot of times
(19:21):
I'll hear this in therapy, and I don't tell people
necessarily that it's wrong, but I tell them we might
need to have a shift because at one point that
may not be enough. When someone will tell me, because
I'm also not just a licensed clinical professional counselor, I'm
also a certified alcohol and droid counselor. When I work
with people specifically with addiction, and often they will say
(19:42):
to me, I'm doing this for my kids, I'm doing
this for my spouse. In the back of my mind,
I'm saying, and you're not going to get to where
you need to be because you're not doing it for you.
The thing I say to people constantly in therapy is
that when you are the best version of you, every
single part of your life just blossoms. So your relationships
will improve, You will be better at your job, your
(20:04):
relationship with your kids, all those things improve because you
have invested in you. You see your worth and your value.
And whenever you cultivate you, the lights time is so bright.
It falls into every other aspect of your life. The
thing about it is it is hard, and I don't
say that is that it's an easy tax. That's why
I can respect people who show up in therapy because
(20:25):
everyone who shows up in therapy it's not about being crazy.
There's something in their life that they need to work on.
And I always say, your therapy space is where you
can feel safe and unjudged and work on things and
know whatever it is you say to me, and people
like I'm sure you this is the worst thing you
ever heard, and I'm like, no, no, it's not. But
it doesn't matter because if you feel that way, we
(20:45):
got to unpack why you feel that way, because I
want you to get to the point where you no
longer need to walk through my door. That's my purpose
to get you to where you need to be. And
let's be honest, sometimes we can't say those things to
our family members to our friends, because inherently we can
all say that we are not judgmental, but as creatures,
as humans, we can be a little judgmental, even we're
(21:05):
trying not to be. In the back of your mind,
you know you're saying you know that wouldn't write what
you did, or you know that stupid, or you're so stupid.
You may not say it out loud, but you have
a thought when somebody says something that seems really asinine
to you, like why would you do that? And it's
hard not to be judgmental, especially if you're in situations
where you have been a person's support for a long
time and they keep making the same mistakes. And this
(21:28):
is one of the things I talk with people about
when they get really upset with their family and their
friends who seem like they have started to back away
because they're repeating the same mistakes. And often this can
be with substance abuse, or there can be some behavioral
issues and people start to push back and push away
and they become angry with them, and I look at
them and I said, you do realize they have gone
(21:51):
through the motions with you so many times. If you
think what you feel they don't feel. It's not the
same feeling. But when you have despair, when someone loves you,
they all have despair, and they are getting to the
point where they are putting up a boundary because if
they feel they can't fix you. And often people guess what,
we can't fix other people. We can only be their support,
We can only fix ourselves. They start to give, They
(22:13):
start to put their hands up and say, if I
don't put this wall up, just like you are slowly
drowning or burying yourself. If I'm not careful, I'll go
down with you. And I'm not doing that because I
also have to preserve my emotional and mental health. I'm
willing to be there and cheer you on and give
you support, but I'm not gonna do your heavy lifting.
(22:36):
A lot of people get highly offended with people who
draw a line in the sand because they get to
the point of no return, like I can't fix this
for you. All I can do is try to help you.
And that's when I understand that people are not in
that space of doing that work, that self awareness to
get it isn't just about you all the time, and
people have a right to have self preservation. That's a
(23:00):
toughie and a lot of people struggle with that. So
knowing the difference about internal influence and external influence is
the thing that really makes the difference. And I'm gonna
look at you and tell you this is not easy
by any stretch of the imagination. It's not, but it's work.
And I always applaud and commend all my people who
show up in therapy and don't worry about the stigma
(23:23):
and what other people might think, because what other people
might think is probably the reason you struggling to Sam,
And it's one point you gotta be like, why am
I worried about what they're thinking when internally I'm falling apart.
I'm trying to do the work on me. I got
to learn to put me first, That's the thing. And
that's when I know that people are ready to do
the work, when they finally say I'm ready to put
(23:43):
myself first. It's a scary proposition, but I guarantee you
it's worth the risk. It is the one risk you
will make. Episode either sixty five or sixty six is
about the economy of self, and the other is about
self compassion. You can't remember which one is which they
are worth a listen because they really start to frame up.
(24:04):
If you struggle with putting yourself first, but you feel
like you're emotionally and mentally continually drowning, these two episodes
will give reasons why, Hey, if you see a life preserver,
if you see somebody putting their hand out, why you
need to take it. So take a listen to those
two episodes. They're totally worth it. So let's talk about
the action behind things. So it isn't easy to cultivate
(24:27):
self worse, So I'm gonna break it down really simply
on this one. The external influence can be heavy upon
us because as we enter this world as infants, all
we know is what is presented to us. So our
family becomes the example that we think we're supposed to follow.
(24:48):
We often call it when children look at adults or
their parents, we call it scaffolding that they look to
to build and climb the way that they see the
adults in their life. Because let's be honest, is children
we don't necessarily know right from wrong until we get
old enough to figure out maybe something's not right. But
we take in a lot of other people's values and
we let them often decide our worth. So this is
(25:09):
sad when a child will feel that they're not good
enough because no matter what they do for their parents,
they are always scolded. There's not enough nurture and celebration
of who they are. You must strike balance with children,
because yes, it's important when they make a mistake to
help them understand it, but do it with compassion so
they can learn from it, which then makes them better communicators.
But also helps them to have better social skills because
(25:32):
when they fail or make a mistake, they can know
it's okay to be accountable and not feel like they
have to cover up or lie or hide because they
think that other people will criticize them. So a lot
of our self worth as children is totally external. It's
not until we begin to mature as adults. We begin
to step into the world and all of a sudden,
(25:53):
I say, our emotion and mental ecosystem expands because it's
no longer just about family and you always had friends
maybe along the way, but you kind of move into
bigger and you move in bigger spaces. I'm not going
to say circles because remember I said before circle versus cage,
So I'm gonna say you start moving in spaces because
you can choose to leave a space. Circles a little
you know, something you kind of put around you because
(26:13):
you want it there. So when we start to experience
life through other lenses, that's when often young adults will
not always bring forward the values they had shared with
their parents. I met plenty of people will be like,
I don't agree with that. My parents think that, but
I don't. I just don't agree with that. And it's
because they've learned something, they've experienced, something that's begun to
(26:33):
shape them there their values are changing. That doesn't mean
that all their values will change, but there's some things
that are unique to them that maybe they just don't
share with their family or certain friends. This is why
friend circles can change over time as well. As you mature,
you may not find you have the same thing in
common with people as you did before. And that's okay,
there's no harm, there's no file. But a lot of
(26:54):
people kind of struggle with they think they're going to
have friends for life. Well not necessarily. So as you
grow and experience things, those external influences, you may begin
to shut them out because you become more self aware,
and this is where beginning to be self aware, then
that can turn into compassion, and then that can be
(27:14):
worth to know that despite what people may have told you.
This is where trauma and abuse can be so hard
for adults because it's so deeply rooted that if you
were told that you were not good enough. I mean,
I've had people I'm just gonna say this candidly who
have told me in therapy and working with them, and
I've had friends whose parents had told them you're not shit,
(27:37):
You're not gonna be shit. Okay, let's be honest. If
someone's talking to you like it, that is a child.
It takes some heavy lifting to get from underneath that
burden of hate, and that's hard. That's why when people
do the work, I can appreciate the fact that they're
going on a journey that's not going to be easy.
But I always say, if you stay the course, you're
(27:59):
gonna step on a that's going to feel a lot different.
And what is going to make you sad is when
you look back and maybe understand what you have to
leave behind to walk in your life of joy, in
your life of truth. A lot of people struggle with
self worth might mean that you have to leave people
behind because they're toxic, negative, do not have your best
(28:20):
interest at heart, they're self serving. Okay, those things don't
work for you, and you can't change people, so you
may have to leave some baggage behind. And a lot
of people sometimes will choose to not leave it behind,
and their entire life will never turn into what it's
supposed to be because they valued someone else over themselves.
Their self worth was not strong enough so they could
(28:42):
choose themselves. There's a saying that I absolutely love this
says comparison is a thief of joy. I think Roosevelt
said it. There're are Roosevelt, and it's true. And this
is why self esteem can be wavering. Because you accomplish
something right and you're feeling good. You're feeling this right,
you feel good, and then you see somebody else and
(29:03):
you're like oh, and all of a sudden, you just
start comparing yourself and what you did is no longer
good enough. That's a disservice to you. I a really
tell people we are all unique. Look, there's some things
in life that we're gonna have to learn to have
to learn to accept about ourselves. And then we work
on ourselves to be our best versions, Like, look, I'm
never gonna be any taller, I'm never gonna be that
(29:24):
really skinny person. I got a list of things that
I would love to see different about myself, but they
are not changing, they are not immutable. I can't change them.
But I look at all the things about me that
makes me me unique, and I work that angle. I'm like, look,
you gotta work you as business. You're trying to do
somebody else's, chances are you're gonna always be unhappy because
you're never gonna attain certain things. This is why I
(29:46):
don't like when I hear sayings like keeping up with
the Joneses. I always say, like, who the hell of
the jones is? And why is anybody keeping up with them?
That's the first thing, and the Joneses probably aren't even
who you think they are. The other one that I
want people to throw right out the window of the
door wherever flush it down the toilet is fake it
till you make it. No be who you are in
(30:08):
the moment, so you can be familiar with what are
your strengths, weakness, is what you want to change about yourself,
and then you work on achieving those things. Don't wear
a mask for the sake that you feel it's not
good enough for somebody else. That's a problem. And when
people say stuff like that, I'm like, pump the brakes, no,
be you and be good with it, because if you
have higher aspirations, then guess what you just put the
(30:31):
work in to do it. Those kind of sayings just
to me, they're external influences that can be negative reinforcement,
and they mislead and they're inaccurate because they're not basing
things on people's ability, and worse, they're not embracing who
you are or what the best are you in the moment,
And that's something that I feel like people have to
(30:53):
think about. So when we talk about this being a
toolbox episode, one of the things that I want you
to think about here is the takeaway. How do you
assess your perception of your self worth and self esteem?
One's external, one's internal. I want you to look at
yourself and legitimately say do I really love myself? And
(31:14):
if you say no, you better start asking why? Two?
Do you believe that you are lovable and you deserve
to be loved? And there's no caveat of why if
I love you, it's because of this That sounds like
somebody who needs to sit in your life. Do you
feel worthy of respect? Do you feel that you are
worthy of being appreciated and celebrated for who you are
(31:37):
in the moment and not who you might be. It's
great to have aspirations to grow to want to be
a better version of yourself, but sometimes I need people
to give themselves a life warm hug about who they
are in the moment. Like, girlfriend, we got some work
to do, but you do it. Hey, bro, you doing this?
You working hard. People can are trying to tell you
what you can't do. You got this, You can do this.
Give yourself a hug in the moment, because that's what
(31:58):
self compassion teaches you. You're not always going to be stellar.
Sometimes you're just going to be average. There might be
some days where you're blow average. Take it and be like,
not my best day. But there's always tomorrow, and that's
what's important being optimistic about it. Something else that needs
to be in a toolbox, by the way, is optimism,
because right now we're kind of living in the world
where optimism is being drowned by so many negative things.
(32:21):
It's so toxic right now in the world. The thing is,
there's so many people out there that are positive. We
need to get together collectively, that's the thing. So I
need you to I really need you to assess your
self worth. And then the self esteem part, the external.
I wanted to ask yourself, what are the external influences
that often impact the way that I feel about myself?
Is it my work performance? Is it that all my
(32:43):
friends think I'm highly intelligent? Is it in my family
I'm the go to person and that makes me feel good? Like?
What are the things but externally that you feel pour in?
They pour into you? Now, that's pouring into you. Part
is something we talk about in the Economy of Self episode.
I need you to be careful about what people are
pouring in your cook you know, because it may not
(33:03):
be something that you want to partake or drink, and
I think people don't think about that. It's one thing.
Someone can be totally pulling bs into your cup. You're
not trying to consume bs, You're not. Someone can be
trying to pour fluff into your cup. You're not trying
to consume fluff. You want sustenance. So you got to
be careful. If people are faking what they're trying to
feed you under the guise that they are supportive and loving,
(33:27):
you should know at this point what support and love
feels like. If it don't feel right, chances are it's
probably wrong. But a lot of times people struggle with that.
That's the thing, that's the takeaway. That's what I want
you to start to think about when you think about
self worth and self esteem. That's how I want you
(33:47):
to begin to do the assessment. How do you value yourself?
Do you respect yourself? You respect the decisions that you
can make, and you don't feel that you need other
people to come behind you and to affirm what you're
thinking or what you want to do. Don't who confuse
us with You're not asking for constructive criticism. Ooh, bad
word constructive feedback, because for criticism is something that should
(34:07):
not exist. Feedback's not always positive, but it shouldn't be critical.
So you may go to somebody and say, I need
to pick your brain about something i'm thinking about. That's different.
That's healthy. That means you're open to feedback. That's a
good social skill. That's good communication. That's when you know
you're using stuff in your toolbox when you can take
feedback without jumping in your feelings, Like when someone has
to tell you something that you may not like. If
(34:29):
you instantly get defensive, you need to think about why
did I get defensive? They need to discuss something with me.
I need to listen before I draw a conclusion if
somehow it's a scathing indictment about me as a person.
So these are the kind of things you got to
notice about yourself. Genia. Only feel good about yourself when
someone is giving you a round of applause. If this
(34:50):
is where you stand, this is not good self assessment
about worth and esteem? Is your homework coming out of
this episode? All right, everybody, this is going to be
a shorter episode. I have decided I'm trying to get
episodes shorter because I think sometimes people are like I
like listening to her, but she text too much. So
(35:11):
I figured I gave you the nuts and bolts of
what you need to think about, so before I break out,
there's something I want to share with you that's important.
I'm excited because there will be episode sixty eight on Saturday.
Kicking off this Saturday will be the Ambition shows. And
if you heard me talk about this before. This is
something that I wanted to begin to weave into the show.
Maya my ambition, your ambition. I want to bring people
(35:34):
on that could talk about how they took their passion
and their purpose and drove it home with Ambition, and
each one coming on is going to share with you
whether they have created something, they work with people, but
they're doing something that's dynamic that makes them altruistic. Because
the thing about purpose is wanting to leave your footprint
on the world and to help people. It's beyond you,
(35:56):
whereas often passion is more internal and can be wavery
These people have found something that's so unique and they
want to share something with the world. And so four
episodes in August, starting on August second, is the Ambition Shows.
It's going to be at two o'clock PM Central THANDERD Time,
and the first guest on the show, I Cannot wait
is going to be Kamar Blue, who's the CEO of
(36:17):
Mental Happy. Her story is so unique and it's crazy
because it started in high school and it started in
an event that when she talks about it, everybody is
gonna know about her passion became finding ways for people
to find support and she made that into a purpose.
And mental Happy is a support app. And literally, whether
(36:38):
you're looking for a support group and they've got support
groups for everything, they got support groups for it. You're
grieving from a breakup, you've got disgrountal family issues, you know,
you have a problem with your boss, there's a support
group for everything on there. So if you're looking for
a support group that you often couldn't find, you might
want to check out the mental app. But let's just
(36:58):
say you've always wanted to create her own support group.
You can do that as well, but you want to
hear her story and you can tell you more about
how the platform works and the value of it and
how it's different than just creating you know, maybe a
top group on Google Meets or even Zoom, which is
nothing wrong with any of those things, but this is
actually a little different. If you're looking to kind of
level up what you're trying to do, this might be
(37:20):
a space that's gonna work for a lot of people
who have been looking for a way to maybe connect
with more people or connect more people. So you definitely
want to make sure that you tune in this Saturday
at two pm Central Standard time. The first phase of
the Ambition show is gonna be Tamar Blue. She is
a CEO of Mental Happy and I am so excited.
(37:42):
I think you guys are all going to be absolutely
just You're gonna love her story and when you hear
how it came about, you're gonna say wow. This is
something that was a long time coming and very very
very much needed. All right, everybody, As I said, I
was not gonna linger. I was to make this short,
but sweek so as always, I've got to do my
(38:03):
wrap up stuff. So just remember that you can find
all episodes of Maya and iTunes, the Apple podcasts, iHeartRadio,
Amazon Audibles and Spotify. Those are all pretty much podcasts
platforms that everybody knows where you can just search Maya,
My Ambition, Your Ambition. Of course, you can listen to
episodes of Maya, My Ambition, Your Ambition. You can always
(38:25):
just go to the easy way to kind of find them.
These are's links actually on www. Dot Maya dasspeaks dot com.
You can just go to the podcast page and click.
You can go right to the link of whatever your
podcast platform is. I would also like to encourage you
all to subscribe and share my YouTube channel which is
Maya Speaks to You as well as that is my
(38:45):
Facebook page, Maya Speaks to You, So subscribe and share.
I may not be saying something that may not be
pertinent for you, but I feel like there might or
could be someone in your life that could get some
value from what I'm saying. So can I say subscribe
and share. It's not just because oh I want you
to make me famous, No, not at all. But my
goal is the reason why podcast is I want to
share my message with some more people beyond just in therapy.
(39:09):
That's one on one which I love, but there's so
many other people who need encouragement and I like to
share those things. But of course, remember like I said,
for all things Maya, you can always just visit www
dot Maya dak speaks dot com. Make sure you tune
in this Saturday for episode sixty eight. Like I said,
it's going to have on Tamar Blue, who is the
(39:30):
CEO of Mental Happy. I think you will absolutely enjoy
every minute of it. And the month of August has
a lot of dynamic people coming on to share their story,
so make sure you don't miss it. But if you do,
there's always going to be a way that you can
catch it my podcast, YouTube or podcast platforms. All right, everyone,
I'll see you on Saturday at two pm Central Standard
(39:53):
time CHOW.
Speaker 2 (39:58):
Whether you're on the.
Speaker 4 (40:00):
Listening on your cell phone, tablet, or laptop, you can
find the show in the iTunes, Google, and iHeartRadio platforms
ode respect.
Speaker 3 (40:07):
I believe this is going to be our finest hour.
Speaker 4 (40:10):
Just search Maya my ambition, your ambition, and get ready
to be inspired and motivated to harness your ambition.
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