July 6, 2025 • 48 mins
Self-compassion is understanding that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the the human experience. Self-compassion is not judging and criticizing yourself for inadequacies or shortcomings that you may experience in life. Self-compassion is being supportive of yourself when facing a challenge, feel inadequate, or make a mistake. Join M.A.Y.A. to gain insight into the importance of self compassion and how to incorporate it into your mental and emotional toolbox.
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Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/m-a-y-a-my-ambition-your-ambition--4348579/support.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
S time.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
The information shared on this podcast is for informational and
educational purposes only and is not intended to be a
substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While we
discuss topics related to mental health, well being and emotional support,
we are not providing therapy or medical services. Always seek
(01:44):
the advice of your physician, psychologist, psychiatrist, or other qualified
mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding
a mental health condition. If you are in crisis, feeling unsafe,
or need immediate support, please contact the mental health, health
professional or emergency services in your area. The views expressed
(02:05):
by guests and hosts are their own and do not
necessarily reflect those of any affiliated organizations or institutions.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
Get Inspired Get Motivated with Maya a Kai and the
Maya My Ambition Your Ambition Podcast.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Something that I take pride and is trying to be
forward thinking, thinking outside the box, challenging myself and as
I challenge myself, hopefully I challenge you.
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Find Maya on Twitter and Instagram at Maya Underscore a
Kai on Facebook at Maya Akai Presents.
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We're going to talk health, wealth, fitness, mental health, financial,
lots of different things that can empower you as you
seek out the ambition that you're pursuing or get everything.
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Maya at Maya akai dot com.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Now mistay everyone, welcome to episode sixty six of Maya,
My Ambition, Your Ambition, Understanding and Employing self compassion. Boy,
this seems like a really simple concept that you'd be
surprised how many of us really aren't as acclimated with
it as we should be. So I figured it was
warrant a conversation so I could get everybody on the
(03:17):
same page and see where can we get you to
give in yourself just for gas, which oftenly makes the
world a lot easier to deal with. But before we
jump into episode sixty six, of course, we always have
to do our housekeeping. Remember you can all find episodes
of Maya, My Ambition, Your Ambition at Mayadia speaks dot com.
Just go to the podcast drop down menuclick and all
(03:39):
pod platforms are there. Speaking of podcast platforms, you can
find me on iTunes, Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Amazon, Audible, Spotify
pretty much if it's a podcast platform, you can find
me there to search Maya m period a period y
period a, My Ambition, Your Ambition of course to subscribe
to my YouTube channel Maya speaks to you, and of
(04:02):
course you can subscribe and share, and then anytime there's
podcasts coming up, you'll get learn because you have subscribed,
and that's a big part. But of course it's easy
to connect with me by just going to the website
Mayadaspeaks dot com and you can find things Maya that
is there. And of course what is Maya all about
my ambition? Your ambition. It's about me trying to give
you all those tools to help you to be able
(04:24):
to not just think about and dream about, but be
able to take those steps to actualize the life that
you seek. Here is about taking this time out. It's
a thirty it's like roughly a sixty minute podcast. Sometimes
it could be shorter, but never longer, where I bring
in salient tops that I really believe that can help
you more than just think about or dream about the
(04:45):
things you want to achieve and help you figure out
how to actually actualize those things. So that's the key thing.
It's time out for you. So I always encourage people
to maybe grab a pen paper, draw down some notes
and thoughts that you might have. You know, because later
on you make I say, hey, you know, I've never
really thought of things that way. That gives me something
to really process. Let me research this more, let me
(05:06):
go find more information on this topic. Or you might
say something, maybe therapy isn't as you know, strange as
I might think it is. It's amazing to be able
to have your own person to help you work through
your things. What your therapist is, it is your emotional
and mental you could say fitness coach, so to speak.
And most people don't see it that way, but that's
(05:26):
really what it's because everyone that comes to therapy doesn't
come with maybe a huge issue. It could be a
simple thing they're trying to process and they don't want
to bring it to their family and friends. They want
that person who can listen to them and not judge them.
That's what therapy is really about. It's not one size
fits all. So this is what this podcast is about.
It's not to give you information in regards to I
am not your therapist. I'm hoping if I say something
(05:48):
here and you think about it, maybe you'll pursue someone
in therapy to help you to dive deeper into the
issues you're having. One of the things about Maya. That's
always important, and I forgot to mention in the other
two episodes, but I'm like, I got to get back
to it. Remember, it's about creating that Maya toolbox, and
that Maya toolbox is anything we work on. It is
about literally the takeaways from the episodes that can help
(06:11):
you to establish maintain the emotional and mental balance that
you need. So hence we've covered things from emotional intelligence,
self awareness, self regulation, mindfless self worth, all those things.
If you've been listening to the roughly seventy five episodes,
if Maya that exists, you should have quite a bit
in your toolbox. So I want to say, hey, if
(06:31):
you're a returning listener, fantastic, If you're new, fantastic, take
out your toolbox or get ready to put things in
your toolbox. I always say buckle for safety, not because
it's rough, just because it's always good to be safe
and to give yourself that space to feel, because that's
what MAYA is all about. So make sure you got
out that emotional toolbox. With that being said, let's jump
(06:54):
right into the idea of what episode sixty six is
about understanding and employing self compassion. It is so amazing
how so many people legitimately do not this. It's a
relatively simple yet complex principle, but I felt like if
I give you the nuts and bolts, maybe you'll figure
how to put it together for yourself. But before I
(07:16):
jump into that, I want to share the graphic that
was used to promote the show. This right here is
such a savent idea. The idea of flying first, love yourself,
and that is something that people often struggle with, especially
with self compassion, because in many chances it does mean
(07:36):
you have to love yourself first. You have to put
yourself first, and people often struggle with that. So think
of it this way. When you decide to love yourself first,
that means you're stepping out on your own and you're
trusting yourself to be able to take off, sustain flight,
and land. That means you're loving yourself. And a lot
(07:58):
of people struggle with that because they often don't know
or can't accept that, Hey, it may take a bit
for you to get off the ground to get into flight,
but when you do, you know you'll learn how it
feels to have the wind under your wings. Your first
landing might be rough, but it doesn't mean you can't perfect,
you know perfect how to nail that, and that's what
a people really really struggle with is trusting themselves. Self
(08:22):
compassion can be that tool that oftenly can help you
to begin to trust self. So part of the narrative
this is first love yourself and this is what self compassion,
if you're not doing it, can help you to begin
to do. So let's jump into it. What is self
compassion pretty simply put, it is treating yourself with the
(08:47):
same kindness, care and understanding that you would offer to
someone else, especially during difficult times or when you're facing
challenges adversity. You know, it's being able to see say, hey,
this isn't a very good moment for me, but I
can definitely push through this. And it's so interesting that
(09:07):
so many people struggle with the idea that giving themselves
the space because ultimately, what self compassion is, it is
the space that you create for yourself in moments that
are difficult, to give yourself that grace. And there's lots
of reasons why people don't do that, and we'll jump
into that on the other side of things of why
(09:29):
they don't, but remember, specifically when things are challenging if
imperfection steps in, because many people deal with the idea
of perfection, which with itself, will is absolutely ludicrous because
there is nothing really perfect in this world. Something may
start out perfect and perhaps pristine, but maintaining that is
almost possible with most things. But a lot of people
(09:51):
always want to like exist in this vacuum of thinking
perfection is the only thing that's acceptable in this world. Well,
that's not true. So it's being able to accept imperfection,
and it's also being able to navigate feelings of failure.
Self compassion, like I said, allows you that space to
accept that you've made a mistake, take accountability, and learn
(10:14):
from the situation so that you can grow. So the
very thing that you can awfully give to someone else
when they make a mistake and say I get it,
I understand, no big deal, you know, hey, you can
do better. In fact, we often will tell someone hey,
it's okay this time, you can do better next time,
and yet we cannot even employ say thinking to ourselves.
(10:35):
But there's reasons why people truly legitimately struggle with self
compassion and what does it come down to? In most cases,
more often than not, it comes down to the idea
of learned behavior about the origin story why you may
lack self compassion to be more specific, like legitimately, and
(10:58):
it's funny Freudian things always pop up in conversations, but
ultimately it can come down to childhood implications. Often we
learn to have a lack self compassion from the experiences
that we've had in childhood. So I always say, if
you're sitting in here with me and you're hearing this
conversation and you say to yourself, I'm pretty sure this
(11:21):
is not my strongest place that I need to work
at being better about giving myself space and grace, what
I don't do is I would say you're on the
right track, and I would call that your childhood corrective action.
It's like you've put yourself on notice that you know
you lack self passion because you often were not taught it,
and as an adult, because you are not the architect
(11:41):
of your present and your future, have decided I need
to incorporate this to my life because a lack there
of it is often why I struggle in situations so hard.
But that's that's one piece of it. So when we
talk about role of the learn behavior, what does that
really mean. Well, let's have a little food for thought.
(12:03):
How were you taught to deal with adversity? Think about that.
If you're in my age range and you're about let's
say fifty plus, let's be honest. Self compassion we can
love our parents to death is not necessarily something that
we were taught. And it wasn't because of them trying
to malicious people. It's often because they were not taught
(12:24):
self compassion. You know, as kids, you often heard suck
it up, there's no crying in base, all those things.
You know. You know, big girls don't cry, big boys
don't cry. But if you're hurting, you have a right
to express that emotion. So there were many generations where
the idea of giving yourself space and grace to work
through things just was not part of what the culture
(12:45):
dictated that people would learn. So when we talk about
where your lack of self compassion comes from, I guarantee
you more often than not, it starts in childhood. Is
that an aha moment? Maybe for some people? Maybe? Is
it a lot of moment that you can say to yourself?
(13:09):
Okay kind of thought? The way I was brought up
was pretty good, but not I thought about maybe it
wasn't the best in regards to how I was taught
to communicate or how to manage my emotions. I'm how
to learn things about respect, work, ethic and things of
those nature and loity. But maybe at the same time,
you didn't learn those tools about communication and emotional intelligence
(13:31):
and self compassion. So just because maybe you missed these
things or weren't provided these things in childhood does not
mean that you still did not have a childhood. It
means your parents gave to you what they was appropriate
for you to have. But now that you're an adult,
you have the opportunity AHA to do things different. So
(13:53):
hopefully for some that maybe was an AHA moment. But
when we talk a bit about the role of learned behavior,
so talk about childhood. Here's how you can probably gauge
kind of where you fell on the continuum of learning
self compassion one as a child, where you scolded or
punched when you made mistakes, Were you made to feel
(14:14):
ashamed or guilty when you made mistakes or didn't perform
up to a certain expectation, or especially when you didn't
perform up to a certain expectation, or you made to
feel not good enough. If you failed. Because for so
many adults I know who've become let's say hi yet
maybe overachievers, and don't give them space when they don't
hit that mark they thought they would. It often comes
(14:37):
from childhood that there often were taught that you want
to be more than just average. Being good is moderate.
You want you should achieve this, and we carry that
mindset with us into adulthood, which, don't get me wrong,
can be a beautiful thing, but it also can be
a detrict at the same time, if you can accept
that you're always not gonna be on, there are gonna
(14:58):
be sometimes you're gonna be off the mark, and it's
what you do with when you're off the mark that
makes a difference. So childhood plays a lot into it.
I'm also gonna coople that with societal norms, we often
live in a society that pushes that very same narrative
that you want to be exceptional things, that there is
(15:19):
no room for imperfection. This is why there are two
sayings that I absolutely hate when I hear people say,
because it's not being authentic and it's not giving yourself compassion.
One fake it till you make it. How about not
how about you be comfortable with where you are in
your life, and if you aspire to be more or
to do better, then that's the goal. Put the plan
together to where you want to be. But make sure
(15:41):
you're not trying to achieve things through a lens that
is somebody else's dreams and goals and not yours. Often
many people live through the lens of their parents because
they told them this is what you should be. They
often find that's not what they want or saddict to
somebody that if less you make this kind of money
or drive this kind of car. Hence the others said
keeping up with the Joneses? Who are the Joneses? And
(16:02):
why should you keeping with them? These are things that
society also puts to us that often can put us
in a space to one not be authentic. And often
when we're not be authentic and we can't accept who
we are, we're not giving ourselves that space and grace
to grow, which is self compassion. So understanding the role
of learned behavior or if you lack self compassion, of
(16:25):
what's the root of it, and by the way, it
might be numerous things that might be the root of
why you're lacking self compassion. You know, it's interesting. Often
children don't know how to deal with things because they're
not mentally trained. They're not emotionally trained. But I've said
(16:46):
it three times already and I'll say it again. You
are now an adult. You are the architect of your
presence and your future. Other people gave you the foundational
pieces that you put down in the building materials and
often shape it for you. But if you have found
that what you have built your life on that foundation
does not meet your expectations, you now have it within
your means to change that. You can change your emotional
(17:09):
and mental trajectory. And a lot of people don't really
realize that that they really have the ability to do
that because they become so locked into things. Now. It's
interesting because realistically most people might say, well, maya, hey,
(17:31):
you said something here about okay adversity. And now that
I reflect back on my childhood, there's probably a large
portion of why I'm not self competionent because I was
kind of taught to be a high achiever. I always
taught was taught maybe that failure wasn't an option, and
I always felt that I had to do things perfect
because anything wasn't accepted or wasn't good enough. Hence I
(17:51):
was always running myself emotionally and mentally ragged because of
the foundations that were laid for me, which someone might
have met, well, but they don't realize the detriment they
might have to you. So let's just say you've come
to realize that. Okay, Well here's what's key. What are
you gonna do with that at this point? Because most people, okay,
they may know what self compassion is now, but you
(18:12):
may be saying to yourself, well, how am I supposed
to gauge this? Well, I would tell you it's important
to be able to figure out where you stand in this.
And there's a couple different things, because there are key
questions you can ask yourself that legitimately make a difference.
You know, a lot of people don't realize that the
(18:34):
internal dialogue they have with themselves are often the very
reasons that they don't have that self compassion, that self
talk that you have. So the only way that you're
ever gonna figure it out legitimately is ask yourself those
really hard questions. And by the way, nobody likes to
(18:55):
add the ask the really hard questions you know, and
those questions are a host of different things that can
be Do you give yourself the space that you would
give others? So ask yourself. One key thing is this,
When I make a mistake and I realize it, do
I handle it the same way I would talk to
maybe my partner, or my child or my best friend.
(19:18):
I would be supportive, maybe honest, but supportive. Do I
give myself that same emotional mental support feel I've failed something?
Or instead, do I have this really negative attitude? So
ask yourself a couple questions. Do you find that you're
offering disapproving and judgmental about your own flaws and inadequacies,
but yet you'll tell someone else, Hey, that's who you are,
(19:39):
that's who makes you unique. When you're down and struggling,
do you tend to obsess and phyxiate on everything that's
wrong versus just that moment in that situation when things
are going badly for you? Do you see those golds
part of life or do you make bigger, catastrophicize it
(20:03):
When you think about your inadequacies, do you kind of
separate yourself out like you're the only one could potentially
be struggling? These are the kind of questions that you
have to ask yourself in order to figure out what
your level of self compassion. Well, you're like, okay, well
here's one letter. I am a huge fan of doctor Enough.
(20:26):
She is the expert on self compassion. She has a
self compassion test that has roughly I think twenty six
questions on it. And all those twenty six questions, it
gives a variety of different things. You answer its scores
and I'll give you an idea of where you sit
with your self compassion in the areas where you need
to work on them, because I don't expect for you
(20:47):
to just do this deep reflection to figure it out.
You probably already have figured yeah, I am I lack
a lot of self compassion, but I want you to
dive a little deeper figure out what that means, like
how is it specifically? The worldview is the more endo
visual and with doing this self test that is on
the site by doctor Kristin Aff, who by the way,
is a fantastic resource, it will begin to help you
(21:08):
shape and understand with your self compassion. So this is
a resource that I will revisit again by the end
of the show because it is definitely something that I
think to be able to have concrete idea, not just
now you know you lack self compassion, but exactly how
you lack self compassion I think can be the difference
in doing work, and it gives you something substantial to
(21:31):
put into your toolbox. You are tuned into episode sixty
six understanding and employing self compassion, which so many of
us do not understand the importance and the difference that makes.
But hopefully after this particular episode you'll get it and
start to do the work and say, hey, this does
(21:53):
chu does definitely improve my life and it helps me
to strike the mental and emotional balance that I often
struggle with. We're gonna take a quick break and I
come back. We'll jump more into you know what, how
can you start working on it? So you identify it's
an issue, but how can you start working on it?
And we're going to dispel some myths for some reasons,
and a lot of reasons actually why people legitimately lack
(22:16):
self compassion because they have the wrong idea of what
it is. Well, we're going to clear that up right
after the Poe I.
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Welcome on Bye one to episode sixty six of Maya
My Ambition, Your Understanding playing self compassion something that we
so frequently take for granted, but it is the thing
that often can help you to have mental emotional release,
especially during times we feel challenged, where we feel like
(25:43):
a failure and things are just not the thought would
we're struggling. Well, part of the struggle is being able
to have perspective and to give yourself space to be
a what you cannot change and focus on what you can,
but in that time giving yourself the space to be
able to manage those emotions. So talked about before the break,
(26:06):
what is self compassion role of learned behaviors often very
rooted in childhood. Well, now let's talk more about specifically. Okay, well,
how can you start to employ self compassion? Use it?
Utilise it now? Lets you know what it is. You
may not know exactly where you stand and what you
need to work on. And I give a resource that
(26:28):
I'll revisit at the end of the show, a test
you can take a gauge for your self compassion is now.
But let's figure out some things about what it isn't
and why a lot of people shy away from actually
using self compassion. The myths, so to speak. One of
the biggest myths that people will talk about is that
(26:48):
they've it will kill my motivation. For some reason, people
believe that if you give yourself the space and the
grace to work through a situation, that being complacent that
you're not taking action. That's the furthest thing from the truth.
You're being motivated to actually care self emotionally and mentally
(27:09):
and to put the situation into true perspective where it
needs to be. So, just as you die, to get
back and give yourself space in a situation to be
able to manage it emotionally and mentally does not mean
that you're not motivated to do better or to maintained.
So that's the first thing. One of the myths of
why people think they shouldn't have self compassion. Another myth
(27:32):
is about it's none but so pity, Like wow, if
I give myself the legitimate space to deal with a
very difficult situation, that, oh, I'm just I'm being giving
myself pity. Not at all. It's acknowledging that you knew
something was wrong, you could have done better. It's a
host of things. But being able to stand for yourself
(27:53):
and say, I know this isn't my finest moment, but
I can do better. That's not self's pity. That's just
giving yourself the space to be able to figure out
how and how to improve enough big one, and this
is probably one of the biggest ones I hear people
talk about of why they go we conpassion. It's selfish,
(28:13):
it's indulgent. People feel like if they carve out a
space for themselves to do real self care emotionally and mentally,
that that's a selfish thing to do, that they should
be pouring all their energy into others. By the way,
this right here really hinges big on episode sixty five,
(28:34):
Understanding the economy of self about you as an individual
has a limited amount of resources you have available to
you emotionally, mentally, physically, time, there's a list of resources
that you have to identify and deciding to step back
and to stop pouring into things that do not pour
into you. It's not wish, it's a necessity so that
(28:57):
you don't have mental and emotional burnout. So deciding to
put yourself first, love yourself first, to put again, because
it's it's a part of this. You have to understand
first love yourself. When you love yourself, so other pieces
of your life will fall into place. But if you
continue to put others before you put you, and you
(29:19):
believe this will become the source of your happiness. This
is why you probably often have felt that life has
failed your or you have fallen short because you had
expectations of others to do better or to be more
than you even acted of self. So self compassion is
about learning to fly. It's about taking off and knowing
that you're gonna be unsteady in flight initially, but finder
(29:40):
than when you get the wind under your wings. It
does not mean that the first land and you're gonna
nail it, but it doesn't mean eventually it won't be smooth.
But it's about having trust in yourself because you love
yourself enough to say, I know I can do this,
I know I'm bigger than this. This moment does not
define me. That what self compassion is. It does not
let me moments to find you because life is more
(30:02):
than just one moment, So it's not selfish. In fact,
it's more it's like saying, I'm putting myself first because
it's necessity. Another thing that people struggle with a myth
is that if you're not being critical with yourself, then
you're not being accountable or you won't grow. This is
(30:24):
such the furthest thing from truth, because compassion is really
about critiquing and compromising with yourself yourself, I'll be honest
when people employ criticism in any form of feedback, and
self feedback is really with self. Compassion entails being able
to really sit down with yourself and be honest about
(30:45):
the situation. But I'll be honest even if you're talking
with someone else in giving feedback, if you are critical
in the feedback, chances it is not to be received
well at all. They may discount what you say. It
may not, you know, get the outcome you want is esecially,
if it's a relationship has view, it's criticism will never
get you anywhere. It's about giving feedback. That's critiquing someone
(31:08):
and it's valuable, and that's self and passion is it's
about giving yourself valuable feedback that's not critical, it's honest.
I didn't say it's not gonna be honest because the
turds we all know that. But when I say give
yourself feedback, it's important to be honest within that feedback.
Don't sugar coating like, oh yeah I could do better. No, No,
what really happened here? What did you all to do.
(31:29):
It's about really identifying what went wrong with something to
figure out how you can do it better or not
repeat it, especially if it's something that really compromises you
emotionally and mentally. You have to break the cycle of
poor behavior because you're not really looking at and analyzing
the behaviors giving yourself proper feedback. But give yourself feedback
(31:50):
with grace, give yourself some space so it is not
imperative that you be critical yourself in order to really
be able to give your self feedback. Here we can go.
Let's just go ahead and another ullbox moment in aha moment.
This is what this looks like. Legitimately, if you find
(32:12):
that you are telling yourself that you are your worst critic,
that you are super hard on yourself, that right there
becomes the indicator that you are not exercising self compassion because,
like I just said, can still be honest with yourself
have good self feedback without it being critical. It just
needs to be honest. And for some reason people struggle
(32:34):
with the idea that honesty does not have to always
be brash and mean. Yes, sometimes the truth does hurt,
but it's how we choose to deliver it. If you
put in compassion and honesty, it doesn't mean you're trying
to tear yourself down in a situation that property already
has done that for you. Yeah, and aha, a light
(32:54):
bulb moment that if you say you're your worst critic,
that right there is an indicator that you're not to
seeing self compassion. Okay. Another myth is that it's a
sign of weakness, like, well, if somehow I don't hold
myself accountable or if I'm not negative with myself, then
(33:15):
I'm being weak. I need to suck it up and
deal with things. Like they say, there's no crying in baseball.
You know, big girls don't cry. You know when you
see parents, for instance, will say, like, say a kid
hurts themselves. They fall and they skin their you know,
their knee or their elbow, and like get up, suck
it up. Okay, really okay, it hurt. So what you're
trying to teach your child is that pain is not real.
(33:36):
That's not a really that's just not a solid thing
from an emotional standboy to teach a child, it's like, okay,
stand up, you hurt yourself, Okay, you talk about it,
you help them understand what they did wrong. So let's
just say a kid failed to test or they lost
a game or something, opposed to making them feel better like, oh,
you just try harder next time, because what that puts
in their head is their effort wasn't good enough. Doesn't
(33:56):
mean maybe their effort could be better, absolutely, but is
it's how we communicate with people, especially children, that will
build them self esteem and work and teach them how
to be more emotional, intelligent, versus making them think a
failure has no place in their life. When we teach
every the better, we're lying because life isn't fair and
we know you're not always gonna win. But if we
(34:18):
teach them how to deal with a loss and how
to grow and how to be better, that teaches them
how to deal with adversity and to give them self
space to know I can do better next time. Here's
what I didn't do right, Because here's the people. What
self compassion is not about is a lack of accountability,
a lack of honesty. It is all those things, but
(34:41):
it is giving to yourself and a perspective to say,
here's why this situation didn't go right. I should have
done this, so I'm gonna say this, se passion this
and it could be the hardest thing, especially if it
involves someone else and say you've done something. Accountability is huge.
That's what most people struggle with and a lot of
dation dynamics. This is what this looks like. It's about
(35:02):
issuing apology for what you did wrong. It's saying I'm
sorry that was mild. I didn't expect that to be
the outcome, but it was. It wasn't my intention. I
owe you apology for that because that's just not the
way I thought it would turn out. I'm sorry. Be
pared for when you issue an apology. By the way,
that's an episode way back the art of the apology.
(35:22):
You don't issue an apology because you expect forgiveness. You
chee an apology because it's the right thing to do,
because you're acknowledging you did something that was wrong. And
that's the key thing. Too many people expect when they
say i'm sorry for someone to forgive them. Depending upon
the gravity of what you've done to someone, they may
not be in that position then, or if ever, to
(35:43):
forgive you. By asking for forgiveness, you're asking and you're
acknowledging to say I know I was wrong and I
owe that to you. And what they do with that
it's totally them. And that's where you have self compassion.
And you then say I did issue an apology. It honestly, sincerely,
I meant it. But if they choose not to accept it,
off to be okay with that. I can't sit there
(36:04):
and mull over the fact that they're not okay with it,
because maybe they're in a position where they don't have
to be okay with it, or they need time themselves
get to that place. But at least I did the
right thing by letting them know I was wrong. I
took accountability. I was honest with them. So passion says
you did the right thing. Now give yourself the space
and the grace and know that you made a mistake,
(36:24):
but you took ownership of it. That's with self compassion.
Is those are some of the myths that people have
and why they won't employ it. They may think that
it kill their motivation. It's not about accountability. It's self fitty,
it's selfish and indulgent. It's a sign of weakness. It
is none of those things. In fact, it is motivation
(36:46):
because you're move forward and doing the right thing. It
is being accountable for how you feel. It isn't self pity.
It is about being accountable. So those myths instantly dispel
them because they're not. So how can you change the
negative learned behavior of not being self compassionate and those
where people really really struggle Because it's about an active mindset.
(37:09):
I'm going to give you one of those little simple
like psychology nuggets, and I'm serious. This is the way
you should process almost anything that puts your your mind
mentally in a tizzy because feelings pop up real quick
when people say, then my feeling yourself when you say that,
because I ask yourself, well, why why am I my feelings?
Is there a reason to feel this way? So there
is a THERAPU modality called DBT Dialectical Behavioral Therapy love it.
(37:37):
It talks about how we really exist and think every way,
and those ways will obviously and affect how we think.
How then we behave feel so on and so forth.
So it says we have threays of things about things.
They're of what's called the emotional mind. The emotional mind
is all about feeling. I feel this, I feel that,
and it doesn't mean what you feel is right. It
just means in the feeling, you're PIOF, you're bad, you're hurt, whatever.
(38:00):
So whatever the situation is, it elicit emotion from you.
You feel and there's a reason why you feel that way. Well,
this you have flipped to the other side, and you
have to employ your logical mind. The logical mind does
not look at fact feeling. I'm sorry. It looks at
facts and it's why do I feel that way? What
does the facts say? And then got to break it down.
(38:21):
So say the situation is you know enblity, I'll throw
out there, that's a tough fee. So let's just say
that your feelings are hurt because you found something like
you're angry. You can ask yourself a simple question like
you're not the person who did the action. Maybe say
you the person who was a recipient of it feel
(38:44):
this way because I was cheated on. I do not
believe in cheating. Blah blah blah blah. Whatever it's like
about dealing in fact is what it comes to you.
You take the situation and say what facts verify actually
support your feeling, Because sometimes people will just get mad
because something isn't their way, it's not what they wanted,
it wasn't their outcome. But that doesn't mean that that's correct.
(39:05):
So in big decisions, you have to separate feeling from facts.
And this is what's called winded. It looks at both
of these things and then you make a decision that's
logical but does not discount how you feel and says
you know in the scheme of things, I was really
unhappy about the outcome of that. But when I sit
there and look at it and the way that person
responded to me, I now understand that because we have
(39:27):
a history of say maybe dishonesty or poor communication, I
now understand why they kind of lashed out at me
and said hurtful things. It doesn't make it okay, but
at least I understand. So to me meeting them where
they're at with negativity, I'm going to step back because
not what I want to do. Think not only with
how you feel, Think based on facts and find the
(39:48):
balance to then do something and respond. Because remember, emotional
intelligence is the ability to respond is react and how
you respond is you stop, you think about something for
you decide to act, and you think about the feelings fact,
and then you respond because when you react, guess what,
it's usually I'm one hundred. There's no filter, and then
(40:11):
it may not be what you really want to do,
and you have to go back and then you got
to we lit back in and be like, yeah, I'm sorry,
I just was so angry in the moment. This is responding,
not reacting. That No, emotional intelligence is growing because you
have a better command of your overall emotion. So how
to change the negative learn behavior. There's a couple basic
(40:33):
things I'm going to tell you and not rocket science. One,
you have to acknowledge the issue you have with self compassion. So,
like I said, doctor Kristineff has a website that's all
about compassion, amazing resources. Go take this self compassion test.
It's twenty questions. It'll help you to gauge not just
that you're struggling with self compassion, but specifically the areas,
(40:56):
because it's better to address something when you could look
at the part and not always just the sum of
the idea. So, yes, this is the sum of self compassion,
but it has a lot of different This is where
I'm more deficient. I'm actually not always off point here,
but this is the part that I really struggle with.
So then you could do the work specifically on the
(41:17):
area where it needs the energy and not place the
energy where it's not needed. Then once you've pretty much
acknowledged where your level's at or what you work on,
then you got to be mindful. Mindful is an every
day activity, and I say this to people all the time.
Don't just be mindful and every day you have to
wake up with the mindset of today's going to be
(41:38):
a day that could be challenges. But before I decide
to move forward, let me just make sure i'm mental
of mind. So if you know it's a day where
you walk up and you woke up on the wrong
side of the bed, it's okay, you know it, Just
don't act that way and encounter people that way. Put
it in check. Have to actively change your mindset to
reflect not only how you feel, but the facts of
the situation. So it becomes mindset change. So you're meaningful
(42:02):
about it. You acknowledged it. Then you're mindful of your
attitude towards yourself. And once you know your attitude towards yourself,
then you change mindset. And that mindset involves the internal
narrative you have with yourself about things. If you're always negative,
thinking the worst catastrover, caphesizing like I'm not good enough,
I do this, I do that, and then all of
(42:24):
a sudden things change. You're like, Okay, things are better.
But that minds that you had during that challenge or
adversity was a thing that you didn't give yourself that
space and the grace to be able to be more
reflective and probably not in the long run do the
unnecessarily emotional mental harm that you do to yourself. Most
people do more harm to themselves as an internalized thing
(42:47):
and sometimes on the outside because they lack self compassion.
So though I don't feel anything's or rocket science, I'm
gonna tell you they're hard because it's about discipline and
a commitment to you loving yourself first before anyone else.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
Right.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
There is what makes this such a complicated thing to do.
And I mentioned everyone. A wonderful resource is an You
can find all of her self compassion stuff at www
dot self, compassion dot org orcompassion dot She's got everything
from the self compassion test. There are guided meditations to
(43:28):
help you with your thinking. Like I said, it's a mindset.
So if you want to get that set, you got
to train yourself how to think, and these guided meditations
are really a great way to kind of reset your mindset.
A podcast or she's also a book. So if you
feel like I do feel like I need to dive
into self compassion because I feel like I could really
improve myself greatly by the way I just kind of
(43:49):
treat myself. Which, then, hence, how you treat you is
often how you let other people treat you, by the way.
That's a nugget, right, they're all within itself. The energy
you put out about yourself, other people pick it up,
and some people will pick it up and run with it.
That's the thing you got to be careful with. But
a wealth of resources cracked to Doctor christ is expert
at this. Her stuff is fantastic. I think everybody could
(44:12):
get something from it. I'm gonna say it again before
I go. First, love yourself, because there's only one you,
And how you love you is how you project yourself
to the world. And don't be afraid to fly, which
first love yourself, because when you learn to fly, you
can see the world from a whole nother perspective and
(44:32):
that's where you want to get to see the world
from a whole other perspective, and I always looking up
being able also to look down and to see the
forest for the trees. So everybody, thank you for tuning
into episode sixty six. I'm glad people are starting to
look for the episodes and say, hey, when is it
coming back? Are you every week?
Speaker 6 (44:52):
No?
Speaker 1 (44:53):
Right now, I'm every other week. Eventually I will get
to being weekly. And by the way, I'm gonna tell you,
coming up in August, I have some fantastic guests line
up think you really enjoy. So we're gonna start to
learn about other people's ambitions and their struggles and how
they got to where they are. Not just me talking
about these small things to put your toolbox. I want
to hear other story. So starting in August, we're gonna
(45:13):
have on some guests that I think are gonna share
some fantastic things with people that they're gonna be like,
you know what, that made me really kind of think
some things from a perspective. But again, as I said,
thank you to everyone for listening to this episode. As
I said, the whole purpose of the podcast is to
help you to identify your ambition, harness that motivation to
help you to acquire the success and satisfaction you seek
(45:35):
in your life. So remember you can always find episodes
of Maya, My Ambition, Your Ambition in the iTunes, Apple Podcasts,
iHeart Radio, Amazon Audibles, and Spotify. If it's pretty much
a knowledgeable, you know, podcast platform, you can find me there.
Just search Maya m period a period y period A,
My Ambition, Your Ambition and boom it and pop up.
(45:56):
I mean soon will actually be the my Experience app.
I'm super excited about this. You can take Maya literally
on the go with you. You don't have to be at home.
You can be out listening to an episode while you're
taking a walk and all that fun stuff. So there'll
be different ways for you to kind of keep the
show right there with you. Also, remember you can always
find episodes of Maya Maya dash speaks dot com. That's
(46:17):
where you can find everything Maya to be honest the podcast.
There's also a daily not daily, ration blog. It's an
inspiration blog because for me, it's not just a daily flought.
Some of the things I say, I'll want you to
process it throughout the week. So there's an inspiration blog.
That's everyone knows. Most of you know at least that
there's a met on Pause blog which is about totally
(46:38):
committed to talking about mina pause, like the infasies of it.
So those are two of the blogs that are there
as well. Please make sure you subscribe and share the
YouTube channel. Maya speaks to you as well. So everyone,
that's it for this episode. Thank you to everyone for
tuning in until next time on. Remember, your present becomes
(47:04):
your past and your future is no more. So live
every day to the fullest because there is no promise
and that's hard sometimes to accept that there is tomorrow.
All right, everyone, I see you weeks which will be
July nineteenth, and we will have our special guest on tomorrow,
(47:25):
lu who is the creator of the mental health app.
It's called mental Happy. It's a support group app fantastic.
Her story is so amazing and how she got there
in the app itself, it's good stuff. So she will
be our first guest when we come back, I said,
but she's actually July, so she'll be our first guest
talking about our app. Not everyone. I hope that you
(47:47):
enjoyed this episode. Reflect We'll see you in two weeks.
Speaker 3 (47:53):
Whether you're on the go or listening on your cell phone, tablet,
or laptop, you can find the show in the iTunes, Google,
and iHeartRadio platforms.
Speaker 5 (48:02):
So due respect, I believe this is going to be
our finest hour.
Speaker 3 (48:05):
Just search Maya, my ambition, your ambition, and get ready
to be inspired and motivated to harness your ambition.
S time.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
The information shared on this podcast is for informational and
educational purposes only and is not intended to be a
substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While we
discuss topics related to mental health, well being and emotional support,
we are not providing therapy or medical services. Always seek
(01:44):
the advice of your physician, psychologist, psychiatrist, or other qualified
mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding
a mental health condition. If you are in crisis, feeling unsafe,
or need immediate support, please contact the mental health, health
professional or emergency services in your area. The views expressed
(02:05):
by guests and hosts are their own and do not
necessarily reflect those of any affiliated organizations or institutions.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
Get Inspired Get Motivated with Maya a Kai and the
Maya My Ambition Your Ambition Podcast.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Something that I take pride and is trying to be
forward thinking, thinking outside the box, challenging myself and as
I challenge myself, hopefully I challenge you.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Find Maya on Twitter and Instagram at Maya Underscore a
Kai on Facebook at Maya Akai Presents.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
We're going to talk health, wealth, fitness, mental health, financial,
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Speaker 3 (02:46):
Maya at Maya akai dot com.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Now mistay everyone, welcome to episode sixty six of Maya,
My Ambition, Your Ambition, Understanding and Employing self compassion. Boy,
this seems like a really simple concept that you'd be
surprised how many of us really aren't as acclimated with
it as we should be. So I figured it was
warrant a conversation so I could get everybody on the
(03:17):
same page and see where can we get you to
give in yourself just for gas, which oftenly makes the
world a lot easier to deal with. But before we
jump into episode sixty six, of course, we always have
to do our housekeeping. Remember you can all find episodes
of Maya, My Ambition, Your Ambition at Mayadia speaks dot com.
Just go to the podcast drop down menuclick and all
(03:39):
pod platforms are there. Speaking of podcast platforms, you can
find me on iTunes, Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Amazon, Audible, Spotify
pretty much if it's a podcast platform, you can find
me there to search Maya m period a period y
period a, My Ambition, Your Ambition of course to subscribe
to my YouTube channel Maya speaks to you, and of
(04:02):
course you can subscribe and share, and then anytime there's
podcasts coming up, you'll get learn because you have subscribed,
and that's a big part. But of course it's easy
to connect with me by just going to the website
Mayadaspeaks dot com and you can find things Maya that
is there. And of course what is Maya all about
my ambition? Your ambition. It's about me trying to give
you all those tools to help you to be able
(04:24):
to not just think about and dream about, but be
able to take those steps to actualize the life that
you seek. Here is about taking this time out. It's
a thirty it's like roughly a sixty minute podcast. Sometimes
it could be shorter, but never longer, where I bring
in salient tops that I really believe that can help
you more than just think about or dream about the
(04:45):
things you want to achieve and help you figure out
how to actually actualize those things. So that's the key thing.
It's time out for you. So I always encourage people
to maybe grab a pen paper, draw down some notes
and thoughts that you might have. You know, because later
on you make I say, hey, you know, I've never
really thought of things that way. That gives me something
to really process. Let me research this more, let me
(05:06):
go find more information on this topic. Or you might
say something, maybe therapy isn't as you know, strange as
I might think it is. It's amazing to be able
to have your own person to help you work through
your things. What your therapist is, it is your emotional
and mental you could say fitness coach, so to speak.
And most people don't see it that way, but that's
(05:26):
really what it's because everyone that comes to therapy doesn't
come with maybe a huge issue. It could be a
simple thing they're trying to process and they don't want
to bring it to their family and friends. They want
that person who can listen to them and not judge them.
That's what therapy is really about. It's not one size
fits all. So this is what this podcast is about.
It's not to give you information in regards to I
am not your therapist. I'm hoping if I say something
(05:48):
here and you think about it, maybe you'll pursue someone
in therapy to help you to dive deeper into the
issues you're having. One of the things about Maya. That's
always important, and I forgot to mention in the other
two episodes, but I'm like, I got to get back
to it. Remember, it's about creating that Maya toolbox, and
that Maya toolbox is anything we work on. It is
about literally the takeaways from the episodes that can help
(06:11):
you to establish maintain the emotional and mental balance that
you need. So hence we've covered things from emotional intelligence,
self awareness, self regulation, mindfless self worth, all those things.
If you've been listening to the roughly seventy five episodes,
if Maya that exists, you should have quite a bit
in your toolbox. So I want to say, hey, if
(06:31):
you're a returning listener, fantastic, If you're new, fantastic, take
out your toolbox or get ready to put things in
your toolbox. I always say buckle for safety, not because
it's rough, just because it's always good to be safe
and to give yourself that space to feel, because that's
what MAYA is all about. So make sure you got
out that emotional toolbox. With that being said, let's jump
(06:54):
right into the idea of what episode sixty six is
about understanding and employing self compassion. It is so amazing
how so many people legitimately do not this. It's a
relatively simple yet complex principle, but I felt like if
I give you the nuts and bolts, maybe you'll figure
how to put it together for yourself. But before I
(07:16):
jump into that, I want to share the graphic that
was used to promote the show. This right here is
such a savent idea. The idea of flying first, love yourself,
and that is something that people often struggle with, especially
with self compassion, because in many chances it does mean
(07:36):
you have to love yourself first. You have to put
yourself first, and people often struggle with that. So think
of it this way. When you decide to love yourself first,
that means you're stepping out on your own and you're
trusting yourself to be able to take off, sustain flight,
and land. That means you're loving yourself. And a lot
(07:58):
of people struggle with that because they often don't know
or can't accept that, Hey, it may take a bit
for you to get off the ground to get into flight,
but when you do, you know you'll learn how it
feels to have the wind under your wings. Your first
landing might be rough, but it doesn't mean you can't perfect,
you know perfect how to nail that, and that's what
a people really really struggle with is trusting themselves. Self
(08:22):
compassion can be that tool that oftenly can help you
to begin to trust self. So part of the narrative
this is first love yourself and this is what self compassion,
if you're not doing it, can help you to begin
to do. So let's jump into it. What is self
compassion pretty simply put, it is treating yourself with the
(08:47):
same kindness, care and understanding that you would offer to
someone else, especially during difficult times or when you're facing
challenges adversity. You know, it's being able to see say, hey,
this isn't a very good moment for me, but I
can definitely push through this. And it's so interesting that
(09:07):
so many people struggle with the idea that giving themselves
the space because ultimately, what self compassion is, it is
the space that you create for yourself in moments that
are difficult, to give yourself that grace. And there's lots
of reasons why people don't do that, and we'll jump
into that on the other side of things of why
(09:29):
they don't, but remember, specifically when things are challenging if
imperfection steps in, because many people deal with the idea
of perfection, which with itself, will is absolutely ludicrous because
there is nothing really perfect in this world. Something may
start out perfect and perhaps pristine, but maintaining that is
almost possible with most things. But a lot of people
(09:51):
always want to like exist in this vacuum of thinking
perfection is the only thing that's acceptable in this world. Well,
that's not true. So it's being able to accept imperfection,
and it's also being able to navigate feelings of failure.
Self compassion, like I said, allows you that space to
accept that you've made a mistake, take accountability, and learn
(10:14):
from the situation so that you can grow. So the
very thing that you can awfully give to someone else
when they make a mistake and say I get it,
I understand, no big deal, you know, hey, you can
do better. In fact, we often will tell someone hey,
it's okay this time, you can do better next time,
and yet we cannot even employ say thinking to ourselves.
(10:35):
But there's reasons why people truly legitimately struggle with self
compassion and what does it come down to? In most cases,
more often than not, it comes down to the idea
of learned behavior about the origin story why you may
lack self compassion to be more specific, like legitimately, and
(10:58):
it's funny Freudian things always pop up in conversations, but
ultimately it can come down to childhood implications. Often we
learn to have a lack self compassion from the experiences
that we've had in childhood. So I always say, if
you're sitting in here with me and you're hearing this
conversation and you say to yourself, I'm pretty sure this
(11:21):
is not my strongest place that I need to work
at being better about giving myself space and grace, what
I don't do is I would say you're on the
right track, and I would call that your childhood corrective action.
It's like you've put yourself on notice that you know
you lack self passion because you often were not taught it,
and as an adult, because you are not the architect
(11:41):
of your present and your future, have decided I need
to incorporate this to my life because a lack there
of it is often why I struggle in situations so hard.
But that's that's one piece of it. So when we
talk about role of the learn behavior, what does that
really mean. Well, let's have a little food for thought.
(12:03):
How were you taught to deal with adversity? Think about that.
If you're in my age range and you're about let's
say fifty plus, let's be honest. Self compassion we can
love our parents to death is not necessarily something that
we were taught. And it wasn't because of them trying
to malicious people. It's often because they were not taught
(12:24):
self compassion. You know, as kids, you often heard suck
it up, there's no crying in base, all those things.
You know. You know, big girls don't cry, big boys
don't cry. But if you're hurting, you have a right
to express that emotion. So there were many generations where
the idea of giving yourself space and grace to work
through things just was not part of what the culture
(12:45):
dictated that people would learn. So when we talk about
where your lack of self compassion comes from, I guarantee
you more often than not, it starts in childhood. Is
that an aha moment? Maybe for some people? Maybe? Is
it a lot of moment that you can say to yourself?
(13:09):
Okay kind of thought? The way I was brought up
was pretty good, but not I thought about maybe it
wasn't the best in regards to how I was taught
to communicate or how to manage my emotions. I'm how
to learn things about respect, work, ethic and things of
those nature and loity. But maybe at the same time,
you didn't learn those tools about communication and emotional intelligence
(13:31):
and self compassion. So just because maybe you missed these
things or weren't provided these things in childhood does not
mean that you still did not have a childhood. It
means your parents gave to you what they was appropriate
for you to have. But now that you're an adult,
you have the opportunity AHA to do things different. So
(13:53):
hopefully for some that maybe was an AHA moment. But
when we talk a bit about the role of learned behavior,
so talk about childhood. Here's how you can probably gauge
kind of where you fell on the continuum of learning
self compassion one as a child, where you scolded or
punched when you made mistakes, Were you made to feel
(14:14):
ashamed or guilty when you made mistakes or didn't perform
up to a certain expectation, or especially when you didn't
perform up to a certain expectation, or you made to
feel not good enough. If you failed. Because for so
many adults I know who've become let's say hi yet
maybe overachievers, and don't give them space when they don't
hit that mark they thought they would. It often comes
(14:37):
from childhood that there often were taught that you want
to be more than just average. Being good is moderate.
You want you should achieve this, and we carry that
mindset with us into adulthood, which, don't get me wrong,
can be a beautiful thing, but it also can be
a detrict at the same time, if you can accept
that you're always not gonna be on, there are gonna
(14:58):
be sometimes you're gonna be off the mark, and it's
what you do with when you're off the mark that
makes a difference. So childhood plays a lot into it.
I'm also gonna coople that with societal norms, we often
live in a society that pushes that very same narrative
that you want to be exceptional things, that there is
(15:19):
no room for imperfection. This is why there are two
sayings that I absolutely hate when I hear people say,
because it's not being authentic and it's not giving yourself compassion.
One fake it till you make it. How about not
how about you be comfortable with where you are in
your life, and if you aspire to be more or
to do better, then that's the goal. Put the plan
together to where you want to be. But make sure
(15:41):
you're not trying to achieve things through a lens that
is somebody else's dreams and goals and not yours. Often
many people live through the lens of their parents because
they told them this is what you should be. They
often find that's not what they want or saddict to
somebody that if less you make this kind of money
or drive this kind of car. Hence the others said
keeping up with the Joneses? Who are the Joneses? And
(16:02):
why should you keeping with them? These are things that
society also puts to us that often can put us
in a space to one not be authentic. And often
when we're not be authentic and we can't accept who
we are, we're not giving ourselves that space and grace
to grow, which is self compassion. So understanding the role
of learned behavior or if you lack self compassion, of
(16:25):
what's the root of it, and by the way, it
might be numerous things that might be the root of
why you're lacking self compassion. You know, it's interesting. Often
children don't know how to deal with things because they're
not mentally trained. They're not emotionally trained. But I've said
(16:46):
it three times already and I'll say it again. You
are now an adult. You are the architect of your
presence and your future. Other people gave you the foundational
pieces that you put down in the building materials and
often shape it for you. But if you have found
that what you have built your life on that foundation
does not meet your expectations, you now have it within
your means to change that. You can change your emotional
(17:09):
and mental trajectory. And a lot of people don't really
realize that that they really have the ability to do
that because they become so locked into things. Now. It's
interesting because realistically most people might say, well, maya, hey,
(17:31):
you said something here about okay adversity. And now that
I reflect back on my childhood, there's probably a large
portion of why I'm not self competionent because I was
kind of taught to be a high achiever. I always
taught was taught maybe that failure wasn't an option, and
I always felt that I had to do things perfect
because anything wasn't accepted or wasn't good enough. Hence I
(17:51):
was always running myself emotionally and mentally ragged because of
the foundations that were laid for me, which someone might
have met, well, but they don't realize the detriment they
might have to you. So let's just say you've come
to realize that. Okay, Well here's what's key. What are
you gonna do with that at this point? Because most people, okay,
they may know what self compassion is now, but you
(18:12):
may be saying to yourself, well, how am I supposed
to gauge this? Well, I would tell you it's important
to be able to figure out where you stand in this.
And there's a couple different things, because there are key
questions you can ask yourself that legitimately make a difference.
You know, a lot of people don't realize that the
(18:34):
internal dialogue they have with themselves are often the very
reasons that they don't have that self compassion, that self
talk that you have. So the only way that you're
ever gonna figure it out legitimately is ask yourself those
really hard questions. And by the way, nobody likes to
(18:55):
add the ask the really hard questions you know, and
those questions are a host of different things that can
be Do you give yourself the space that you would
give others? So ask yourself. One key thing is this,
When I make a mistake and I realize it, do
I handle it the same way I would talk to
maybe my partner, or my child or my best friend.
(19:18):
I would be supportive, maybe honest, but supportive. Do I
give myself that same emotional mental support feel I've failed something?
Or instead, do I have this really negative attitude? So
ask yourself a couple questions. Do you find that you're
offering disapproving and judgmental about your own flaws and inadequacies,
but yet you'll tell someone else, Hey, that's who you are,
(19:39):
that's who makes you unique. When you're down and struggling,
do you tend to obsess and phyxiate on everything that's
wrong versus just that moment in that situation when things
are going badly for you? Do you see those golds
part of life or do you make bigger, catastrophicize it
(20:03):
When you think about your inadequacies, do you kind of
separate yourself out like you're the only one could potentially
be struggling? These are the kind of questions that you
have to ask yourself in order to figure out what
your level of self compassion. Well, you're like, okay, well
here's one letter. I am a huge fan of doctor Enough.
(20:26):
She is the expert on self compassion. She has a
self compassion test that has roughly I think twenty six
questions on it. And all those twenty six questions, it
gives a variety of different things. You answer its scores
and I'll give you an idea of where you sit
with your self compassion in the areas where you need
to work on them, because I don't expect for you
(20:47):
to just do this deep reflection to figure it out.
You probably already have figured yeah, I am I lack
a lot of self compassion, but I want you to
dive a little deeper figure out what that means, like
how is it specifically? The worldview is the more endo
visual and with doing this self test that is on
the site by doctor Kristin Aff, who by the way,
is a fantastic resource, it will begin to help you
(21:08):
shape and understand with your self compassion. So this is
a resource that I will revisit again by the end
of the show because it is definitely something that I
think to be able to have concrete idea, not just
now you know you lack self compassion, but exactly how
you lack self compassion I think can be the difference
in doing work, and it gives you something substantial to
(21:31):
put into your toolbox. You are tuned into episode sixty
six understanding and employing self compassion, which so many of
us do not understand the importance and the difference that makes.
But hopefully after this particular episode you'll get it and
start to do the work and say, hey, this does
(21:53):
chu does definitely improve my life and it helps me
to strike the mental and emotional balance that I often
struggle with. We're gonna take a quick break and I
come back. We'll jump more into you know what, how
can you start working on it? So you identify it's
an issue, but how can you start working on it?
And we're going to dispel some myths for some reasons,
and a lot of reasons actually why people legitimately lack
(22:16):
self compassion because they have the wrong idea of what
it is. Well, we're going to clear that up right
after the Poe I.
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My therapist.
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Welcome on Bye one to episode sixty six of Maya
My Ambition, Your Understanding playing self compassion something that we
so frequently take for granted, but it is the thing
that often can help you to have mental emotional release,
especially during times we feel challenged, where we feel like
(25:43):
a failure and things are just not the thought would
we're struggling. Well, part of the struggle is being able
to have perspective and to give yourself space to be
a what you cannot change and focus on what you can,
but in that time giving yourself the space to be
able to manage those emotions. So talked about before the break,
(26:06):
what is self compassion role of learned behaviors often very
rooted in childhood. Well, now let's talk more about specifically. Okay, well,
how can you start to employ self compassion? Use it?
Utilise it now? Lets you know what it is. You
may not know exactly where you stand and what you
need to work on. And I give a resource that
(26:28):
I'll revisit at the end of the show, a test
you can take a gauge for your self compassion is now.
But let's figure out some things about what it isn't
and why a lot of people shy away from actually
using self compassion. The myths, so to speak. One of
the biggest myths that people will talk about is that
(26:48):
they've it will kill my motivation. For some reason, people
believe that if you give yourself the space and the
grace to work through a situation, that being complacent that
you're not taking action. That's the furthest thing from the truth.
You're being motivated to actually care self emotionally and mentally
(27:09):
and to put the situation into true perspective where it
needs to be. So, just as you die, to get
back and give yourself space in a situation to be
able to manage it emotionally and mentally does not mean
that you're not motivated to do better or to maintained.
So that's the first thing. One of the myths of
why people think they shouldn't have self compassion. Another myth
(27:32):
is about it's none but so pity, Like wow, if
I give myself the legitimate space to deal with a
very difficult situation, that, oh, I'm just I'm being giving
myself pity. Not at all. It's acknowledging that you knew
something was wrong, you could have done better. It's a
host of things. But being able to stand for yourself
(27:53):
and say, I know this isn't my finest moment, but
I can do better. That's not self's pity. That's just
giving yourself the space to be able to figure out
how and how to improve enough big one, and this
is probably one of the biggest ones I hear people
talk about of why they go we conpassion. It's selfish,
(28:13):
it's indulgent. People feel like if they carve out a
space for themselves to do real self care emotionally and mentally,
that that's a selfish thing to do, that they should
be pouring all their energy into others. By the way,
this right here really hinges big on episode sixty five,
(28:34):
Understanding the economy of self about you as an individual
has a limited amount of resources you have available to
you emotionally, mentally, physically, time, there's a list of resources
that you have to identify and deciding to step back
and to stop pouring into things that do not pour
into you. It's not wish, it's a necessity so that
(28:57):
you don't have mental and emotional burnout. So deciding to
put yourself first, love yourself first, to put again, because
it's it's a part of this. You have to understand
first love yourself. When you love yourself, so other pieces
of your life will fall into place. But if you
continue to put others before you put you, and you
(29:19):
believe this will become the source of your happiness. This
is why you probably often have felt that life has
failed your or you have fallen short because you had
expectations of others to do better or to be more
than you even acted of self. So self compassion is
about learning to fly. It's about taking off and knowing
that you're gonna be unsteady in flight initially, but finder
(29:40):
than when you get the wind under your wings. It
does not mean that the first land and you're gonna
nail it, but it doesn't mean eventually it won't be smooth.
But it's about having trust in yourself because you love
yourself enough to say, I know I can do this,
I know I'm bigger than this. This moment does not
define me. That what self compassion is. It does not
let me moments to find you because life is more
(30:02):
than just one moment, So it's not selfish. In fact,
it's more it's like saying, I'm putting myself first because
it's necessity. Another thing that people struggle with a myth
is that if you're not being critical with yourself, then
you're not being accountable or you won't grow. This is
(30:24):
such the furthest thing from truth, because compassion is really
about critiquing and compromising with yourself yourself, I'll be honest
when people employ criticism in any form of feedback, and
self feedback is really with self. Compassion entails being able
to really sit down with yourself and be honest about
(30:45):
the situation. But I'll be honest even if you're talking
with someone else in giving feedback, if you are critical
in the feedback, chances it is not to be received
well at all. They may discount what you say. It
may not, you know, get the outcome you want is esecially,
if it's a relationship has view, it's criticism will never
get you anywhere. It's about giving feedback. That's critiquing someone
(31:08):
and it's valuable, and that's self and passion is it's
about giving yourself valuable feedback that's not critical, it's honest.
I didn't say it's not gonna be honest because the
turds we all know that. But when I say give
yourself feedback, it's important to be honest within that feedback.
Don't sugar coating like, oh yeah I could do better. No, No,
what really happened here? What did you all to do.
(31:29):
It's about really identifying what went wrong with something to
figure out how you can do it better or not
repeat it, especially if it's something that really compromises you
emotionally and mentally. You have to break the cycle of
poor behavior because you're not really looking at and analyzing
the behaviors giving yourself proper feedback. But give yourself feedback
(31:50):
with grace, give yourself some space so it is not
imperative that you be critical yourself in order to really
be able to give your self feedback. Here we can go.
Let's just go ahead and another ullbox moment in aha moment.
This is what this looks like. Legitimately, if you find
(32:12):
that you are telling yourself that you are your worst critic,
that you are super hard on yourself, that right there
becomes the indicator that you are not exercising self compassion because,
like I just said, can still be honest with yourself
have good self feedback without it being critical. It just
needs to be honest. And for some reason people struggle
(32:34):
with the idea that honesty does not have to always
be brash and mean. Yes, sometimes the truth does hurt,
but it's how we choose to deliver it. If you
put in compassion and honesty, it doesn't mean you're trying
to tear yourself down in a situation that property already
has done that for you. Yeah, and aha, a light
(32:54):
bulb moment that if you say you're your worst critic,
that right there is an indicator that you're not to
seeing self compassion. Okay. Another myth is that it's a
sign of weakness, like, well, if somehow I don't hold
myself accountable or if I'm not negative with myself, then
(33:15):
I'm being weak. I need to suck it up and
deal with things. Like they say, there's no crying in baseball.
You know, big girls don't cry. You know when you
see parents, for instance, will say, like, say a kid
hurts themselves. They fall and they skin their you know,
their knee or their elbow, and like get up, suck
it up. Okay, really okay, it hurt. So what you're
trying to teach your child is that pain is not real.
(33:36):
That's not a really that's just not a solid thing
from an emotional standboy to teach a child, it's like, okay,
stand up, you hurt yourself, Okay, you talk about it,
you help them understand what they did wrong. So let's
just say a kid failed to test or they lost
a game or something, opposed to making them feel better like, oh,
you just try harder next time, because what that puts
in their head is their effort wasn't good enough. Doesn't
(33:56):
mean maybe their effort could be better, absolutely, but is
it's how we communicate with people, especially children, that will
build them self esteem and work and teach them how
to be more emotional, intelligent, versus making them think a
failure has no place in their life. When we teach
every the better, we're lying because life isn't fair and
we know you're not always gonna win. But if we
(34:18):
teach them how to deal with a loss and how
to grow and how to be better, that teaches them
how to deal with adversity and to give them self
space to know I can do better next time. Here's
what I didn't do right, Because here's the people. What
self compassion is not about is a lack of accountability,
a lack of honesty. It is all those things, but
(34:41):
it is giving to yourself and a perspective to say,
here's why this situation didn't go right. I should have
done this, so I'm gonna say this, se passion this
and it could be the hardest thing, especially if it
involves someone else and say you've done something. Accountability is huge.
That's what most people struggle with and a lot of
dation dynamics. This is what this looks like. It's about
(35:02):
issuing apology for what you did wrong. It's saying I'm
sorry that was mild. I didn't expect that to be
the outcome, but it was. It wasn't my intention. I
owe you apology for that because that's just not the
way I thought it would turn out. I'm sorry. Be
pared for when you issue an apology. By the way,
that's an episode way back the art of the apology.
(35:22):
You don't issue an apology because you expect forgiveness. You
chee an apology because it's the right thing to do,
because you're acknowledging you did something that was wrong. And
that's the key thing. Too many people expect when they
say i'm sorry for someone to forgive them. Depending upon
the gravity of what you've done to someone, they may
not be in that position then, or if ever, to
(35:43):
forgive you. By asking for forgiveness, you're asking and you're
acknowledging to say I know I was wrong and I
owe that to you. And what they do with that
it's totally them. And that's where you have self compassion.
And you then say I did issue an apology. It honestly, sincerely,
I meant it. But if they choose not to accept it,
off to be okay with that. I can't sit there
(36:04):
and mull over the fact that they're not okay with it,
because maybe they're in a position where they don't have
to be okay with it, or they need time themselves
get to that place. But at least I did the
right thing by letting them know I was wrong. I
took accountability. I was honest with them. So passion says
you did the right thing. Now give yourself the space
and the grace and know that you made a mistake,
(36:24):
but you took ownership of it. That's with self compassion.
Is those are some of the myths that people have
and why they won't employ it. They may think that
it kill their motivation. It's not about accountability. It's self fitty,
it's selfish and indulgent. It's a sign of weakness. It
is none of those things. In fact, it is motivation
(36:46):
because you're move forward and doing the right thing. It
is being accountable for how you feel. It isn't self pity.
It is about being accountable. So those myths instantly dispel
them because they're not. So how can you change the
negative learned behavior of not being self compassionate and those
where people really really struggle Because it's about an active mindset.
(37:09):
I'm going to give you one of those little simple
like psychology nuggets, and I'm serious. This is the way
you should process almost anything that puts your your mind
mentally in a tizzy because feelings pop up real quick
when people say, then my feeling yourself when you say that,
because I ask yourself, well, why why am I my feelings?
Is there a reason to feel this way? So there
is a THERAPU modality called DBT Dialectical Behavioral Therapy love it.
(37:37):
It talks about how we really exist and think every way,
and those ways will obviously and affect how we think.
How then we behave feel so on and so forth.
So it says we have threays of things about things.
They're of what's called the emotional mind. The emotional mind
is all about feeling. I feel this, I feel that,
and it doesn't mean what you feel is right. It
just means in the feeling, you're PIOF, you're bad, you're hurt, whatever.
(38:00):
So whatever the situation is, it elicit emotion from you.
You feel and there's a reason why you feel that way. Well,
this you have flipped to the other side, and you
have to employ your logical mind. The logical mind does
not look at fact feeling. I'm sorry. It looks at
facts and it's why do I feel that way? What
does the facts say? And then got to break it down.
(38:21):
So say the situation is you know enblity, I'll throw
out there, that's a tough fee. So let's just say
that your feelings are hurt because you found something like
you're angry. You can ask yourself a simple question like
you're not the person who did the action. Maybe say
you the person who was a recipient of it feel
(38:44):
this way because I was cheated on. I do not
believe in cheating. Blah blah blah blah. Whatever it's like
about dealing in fact is what it comes to you.
You take the situation and say what facts verify actually
support your feeling, Because sometimes people will just get mad
because something isn't their way, it's not what they wanted,
it wasn't their outcome. But that doesn't mean that that's correct.
(39:05):
So in big decisions, you have to separate feeling from facts.
And this is what's called winded. It looks at both
of these things and then you make a decision that's
logical but does not discount how you feel and says
you know in the scheme of things, I was really
unhappy about the outcome of that. But when I sit
there and look at it and the way that person
responded to me, I now understand that because we have
(39:27):
a history of say maybe dishonesty or poor communication, I
now understand why they kind of lashed out at me
and said hurtful things. It doesn't make it okay, but
at least I understand. So to me meeting them where
they're at with negativity, I'm going to step back because
not what I want to do. Think not only with
how you feel, Think based on facts and find the
(39:48):
balance to then do something and respond. Because remember, emotional
intelligence is the ability to respond is react and how
you respond is you stop, you think about something for
you decide to act, and you think about the feelings fact,
and then you respond because when you react, guess what,
it's usually I'm one hundred. There's no filter, and then
(40:11):
it may not be what you really want to do,
and you have to go back and then you got
to we lit back in and be like, yeah, I'm sorry,
I just was so angry in the moment. This is responding,
not reacting. That No, emotional intelligence is growing because you
have a better command of your overall emotion. So how
to change the negative learn behavior. There's a couple basic
(40:33):
things I'm going to tell you and not rocket science. One,
you have to acknowledge the issue you have with self compassion. So,
like I said, doctor Kristineff has a website that's all
about compassion, amazing resources. Go take this self compassion test.
It's twenty questions. It'll help you to gauge not just
that you're struggling with self compassion, but specifically the areas,
(40:56):
because it's better to address something when you could look
at the part and not always just the sum of
the idea. So, yes, this is the sum of self compassion,
but it has a lot of different This is where
I'm more deficient. I'm actually not always off point here,
but this is the part that I really struggle with.
So then you could do the work specifically on the
(41:17):
area where it needs the energy and not place the
energy where it's not needed. Then once you've pretty much
acknowledged where your level's at or what you work on,
then you got to be mindful. Mindful is an every
day activity, and I say this to people all the time.
Don't just be mindful and every day you have to
wake up with the mindset of today's going to be
(41:38):
a day that could be challenges. But before I decide
to move forward, let me just make sure i'm mental
of mind. So if you know it's a day where
you walk up and you woke up on the wrong
side of the bed, it's okay, you know it, Just
don't act that way and encounter people that way. Put
it in check. Have to actively change your mindset to
reflect not only how you feel, but the facts of
the situation. So it becomes mindset change. So you're meaningful
(42:02):
about it. You acknowledged it. Then you're mindful of your
attitude towards yourself. And once you know your attitude towards yourself,
then you change mindset. And that mindset involves the internal
narrative you have with yourself about things. If you're always negative,
thinking the worst catastrover, caphesizing like I'm not good enough,
I do this, I do that, and then all of
(42:24):
a sudden things change. You're like, Okay, things are better.
But that minds that you had during that challenge or
adversity was a thing that you didn't give yourself that
space and the grace to be able to be more
reflective and probably not in the long run do the
unnecessarily emotional mental harm that you do to yourself. Most
people do more harm to themselves as an internalized thing
(42:47):
and sometimes on the outside because they lack self compassion.
So though I don't feel anything's or rocket science, I'm
gonna tell you they're hard because it's about discipline and
a commitment to you loving yourself first before anyone else.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
Right.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
There is what makes this such a complicated thing to do.
And I mentioned everyone. A wonderful resource is an You
can find all of her self compassion stuff at www
dot self, compassion dot org orcompassion dot She's got everything
from the self compassion test. There are guided meditations to
(43:28):
help you with your thinking. Like I said, it's a mindset.
So if you want to get that set, you got
to train yourself how to think, and these guided meditations
are really a great way to kind of reset your mindset.
A podcast or she's also a book. So if you
feel like I do feel like I need to dive
into self compassion because I feel like I could really
improve myself greatly by the way I just kind of
(43:49):
treat myself. Which, then, hence, how you treat you is
often how you let other people treat you, by the way.
That's a nugget, right, they're all within itself. The energy
you put out about yourself, other people pick it up,
and some people will pick it up and run with it.
That's the thing you got to be careful with. But
a wealth of resources cracked to Doctor christ is expert
at this. Her stuff is fantastic. I think everybody could
(44:12):
get something from it. I'm gonna say it again before
I go. First, love yourself, because there's only one you,
And how you love you is how you project yourself
to the world. And don't be afraid to fly, which
first love yourself, because when you learn to fly, you
can see the world from a whole nother perspective and
(44:32):
that's where you want to get to see the world
from a whole other perspective, and I always looking up
being able also to look down and to see the
forest for the trees. So everybody, thank you for tuning
into episode sixty six. I'm glad people are starting to
look for the episodes and say, hey, when is it
coming back? Are you every week?
Speaker 6 (44:52):
No?
Speaker 1 (44:53):
Right now, I'm every other week. Eventually I will get
to being weekly. And by the way, I'm gonna tell you,
coming up in August, I have some fantastic guests line
up think you really enjoy. So we're gonna start to
learn about other people's ambitions and their struggles and how
they got to where they are. Not just me talking
about these small things to put your toolbox. I want
to hear other story. So starting in August, we're gonna
(45:13):
have on some guests that I think are gonna share
some fantastic things with people that they're gonna be like,
you know what, that made me really kind of think
some things from a perspective. But again, as I said,
thank you to everyone for listening to this episode. As
I said, the whole purpose of the podcast is to
help you to identify your ambition, harness that motivation to
help you to acquire the success and satisfaction you seek
(45:35):
in your life. So remember you can always find episodes
of Maya, My Ambition, Your Ambition in the iTunes, Apple Podcasts,
iHeart Radio, Amazon Audibles, and Spotify. If it's pretty much
a knowledgeable, you know, podcast platform, you can find me there.
Just search Maya m period a period y period A,
My Ambition, Your Ambition and boom it and pop up.
(45:56):
I mean soon will actually be the my Experience app.
I'm super excited about this. You can take Maya literally
on the go with you. You don't have to be at home.
You can be out listening to an episode while you're
taking a walk and all that fun stuff. So there'll
be different ways for you to kind of keep the
show right there with you. Also, remember you can always
find episodes of Maya Maya dash speaks dot com. That's
(46:17):
where you can find everything Maya to be honest the podcast.
There's also a daily not daily, ration blog. It's an
inspiration blog because for me, it's not just a daily flought.
Some of the things I say, I'll want you to
process it throughout the week. So there's an inspiration blog.
That's everyone knows. Most of you know at least that
there's a met on Pause blog which is about totally
(46:38):
committed to talking about mina pause, like the infasies of it.
So those are two of the blogs that are there
as well. Please make sure you subscribe and share the
YouTube channel. Maya speaks to you as well. So everyone,
that's it for this episode. Thank you to everyone for
tuning in until next time on. Remember, your present becomes
(47:04):
your past and your future is no more. So live
every day to the fullest because there is no promise
and that's hard sometimes to accept that there is tomorrow.
All right, everyone, I see you weeks which will be
July nineteenth, and we will have our special guest on tomorrow,
(47:25):
lu who is the creator of the mental health app.
It's called mental Happy. It's a support group app fantastic.
Her story is so amazing and how she got there
in the app itself, it's good stuff. So she will
be our first guest when we come back, I said,
but she's actually July, so she'll be our first guest
talking about our app. Not everyone. I hope that you
(47:47):
enjoyed this episode. Reflect We'll see you in two weeks.
Speaker 3 (47:53):
Whether you're on the go or listening on your cell phone, tablet,
or laptop, you can find the show in the iTunes, Google,
and iHeartRadio platforms.
Speaker 5 (48:02):
So due respect, I believe this is going to be
our finest hour.
Speaker 3 (48:05):
Just search Maya, my ambition, your ambition, and get ready
to be inspired and motivated to harness your ambition.
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