December 17, 2024 • 31 mins
Welcome to this episode of Motivation Zone! Today, I want to tackle a pressing issue: the problem with silence. Reflecting on the tumultuous year of 2020, I've come to a powerful realization—I want to be heard and recognized as my authentic self.Too many individuals remain silent, paralyzed by the fear of losing relationships and opportunities. This silence can lead to even greater harm in the long run. Why is that? Because those who shy away from embracing their true selves often endure the most profound internal struggles, adopting a "take one for the team" mentality. This can spiral into depression and heightened stress, which could be alleviated simply by being true to oneself and facing the consequences of honesty, no matter how daunting they may seem.Have we become so soft as a society that we shy away from causing any disturbance? Here’s the reality: even growth disrupts the status quo from which it emerges. So, let’s dive into this conversation and explore the importance of breaking the silence!
For references, to subscribe or leave a comment, visit my Motivation Zone page here: https://monicaenterprises.com/motivation-zone-3/
For references, to subscribe or leave a comment, visit my Motivation Zone page here: https://monicaenterprises.com/motivation-zone-3/
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, everyone, Welcome back to another episode of Motivation Zone.
It is your host here, Monica Ma super excited to
be with you guys, and we're gonna dive into the
topic of the problem with silence. And this topic is
going to be a broad one and I'm gonna be painting,
I guess you can say with a broad brush. But
(00:23):
it is up to you as a listener to take
parallel with your own situation and you decide in what
categories your communications, either on the giving in or the
receiving end, is being handled in your life. So the
first thing I want to start with is the problem
(00:43):
with initial silence. And what I mean by initial silence
is when you have a problem, right and when there's
a situation that is bothering you or when there is
something that you need to express, you decide to remain
silent silent. The problem with that is is by the
(01:07):
time people know what your frustrations and your issues are,
the situation has then escalated. A lot of the times,
I don't know if you guys do this. I have
been guilty of it, but not as much because I'm
a talker straight up, And I'll tell you, guys how
that's going for me to be honest with you, it's interesting.
(01:29):
But with my experiences when I have not properly communicated,
which is not usual for me, but when it's happened,
I find that I've done it because I'm hoping that
that individual or that group of people who I'm having
a struggle with, or I'm feeling a certain way regarding
(01:51):
some things, and I'm hoping I don't have to say anything,
and I'm hoping they come to the same conclusion i'm
coming to that the situation is right. I'm hoping that
this happens, but it never does right. So a lot
of the times people will stay silent, hoping that the
situation will resolve itself, and I'm here to tell you
(02:15):
it usually does not okay at all. And the problem
with silence is it leaves too much room for assumptions.
I hate the thoughts, and this is the reason why
I continue to communicate the way I do, because I
never want anyone to assume where I stand on anything
(02:39):
that's just me personally right now in my life. I
don't want people to look at me anything that I
have going on in life and just simply think, oh, well,
this is where she is and this is what she thinks. No,
I'm gonna tell you flat out the struggle I've had
recently with my clear unication because what I say I mean,
(03:02):
I really do. But what I've had an issue with
is then I'm addressing too many people who don't want
the truth and don't want to hear what I have
to say, nor have they ever valued what I've had
to say. And so then when I speak up and
I say the things that I feel are truthful according
(03:23):
to where I stand, according to what I know, according
to what I understand at the time, then my words
are being twisted into something else. That has been one
of the most I have to say, you guys, It's
been one of the creepiest experiences I've had, I would say,
(03:44):
in the past five years. True story, because I'm sitting
here and I'm saying exactly what I mean, I'm telling
the experience exactly as I understand it. I am recalling
events exactly as they've happened, and my words get twisted
(04:06):
upside down to mean other things, which is why in
twenty twenty, the term gaslight was the most searched term
in America in twenty twenty because so many people were
having their experiences twisted into something else in hopes that
(04:27):
they would believe they weren't experiencing what they weren't experiencing,
or that they didn't catch the vibe that they caught.
You know, it's been crazy, And I never thought that
was a thing.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
I was the.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Type of person who always assumed that everybody wanted honesty.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Wow, I was wrong.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
I'm telling you, I understand that now, and it's still
quite a concept to grasp that everyone does not want honesty.
People would rather bottle up their emotions, bottle up their
true feelings, bottle up the realization of actual events, bottle
(05:14):
up their true thoughts before sharing them with anyone. And
I'm telling you, guys, there's a problem with that. So initially,
when I first started having this experience of communication and
my words and even actions being twisted, I initially thought
(05:39):
it's not worth talking to people. I initially thought that
it would be better if I kept my thoughts and
my opinions and my issues with issues to myself. Right
and now, in many issues and circumstances, I did get quiet.
And I'm gonna tell you guys, and I do actually
(06:00):
go quiet. We're gonna break it all the way down,
So hang out with me, okay. But and I'll get
to that. But I have to tell you, guys, when
I initially shared these things with people and their reaction,
I was tempted to not say anything else, and not
talk to anyone else, and not share anything else. And
(06:21):
this is when people usually go into a moment in
their life where they're drinking, They're trying to find other
ways to cope, they are getting into pretty bad relationships.
They think that no one cares about them, No one
cares about their true feelings, no one cares about their emotions,
(06:45):
no one cares that they are hurt. I feel all
of those things, and if you ask me today if
I still feel them, I would say, yes, I do.
But I'll tell you why I refuse to stop being
on honest and to stop having conversations. I'll tell you
why I refuse to do it because I had this thought,
(07:08):
and this was around twenty twenty, twenty twenty one, that
if something was to happen to me today, god forbid.
There's this saying that we should live each day like
it's our last right. I remember hearing the stories of
ancestors and people you know, who have lived this life
(07:31):
before us, who have come and gone, and how many
dreams were in the grave, and how many things left
unsaid were in the grave. And I even heard a
situation where and I guess this is from people who
work in hospice, and how they always say one of
(07:52):
the top regrets from those who are in hospice is
that they weren't more honest and didn't share what they
really wanted to share. And having people feel like they're
not known truly for who they are because they've been
(08:13):
pacifying people for so long, trying to keep every relationship,
and then once it's time or nearing the time for
them to rest, no one really knows them the things
unset and the things not done. And I remember having
(08:35):
this thought, and I guess, to be honest with you,
the situation of twenty twenty, I'm not even gonna say it,
but you know, see nineteen, let me just put it
that way, that had me thinking a lot because so
many people were dying, and while people wanted to act
like that wasn't.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
A thing, it was right.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
And so in that regard, I was thinking about my
life and I was like, do I really want to
leave this earth with no one knowing me really, with
not standing on something I believed, and with keeping all
these relationships, and then come to find out when I
(09:17):
did step up with honesty and truth and stand on standards,
I lost the very people I thought cared about me.
Which was the best thing that could have happened to
be honest with you, guys, because that let me know
who I needed to work harder to be in a
relationship with and who I did not. Sometimes we are
(09:41):
working too hard in relationships that are not equal. It's rough, right,
And the problem with silence and the problem with not
being yourself, the problem with not reaching for authenticity in
every moment. It's that you're never ever cycling out and
(10:06):
filtering out that which is not for you. So you
continue to work and work and work.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
And build.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
On foundations that people are so willing to tear down
and are so willing to break and so willing to
light a match to, and you would never know it
because you're too busy agreeing with everything, or you're too
busy trying to stay neutral with everything and don't want
(10:38):
anyone to know how you really feel, not even knowing
that you're building with people who really don't care about you,
And when it's time for you to need something, whether
it's sympathy, empathy, whether it's the same understanding that you've
been given the entire time, when it's time for you
(11:00):
to be on the receiving end of that and you
don't have it, that's when you realize I've been doing
this all this time just to get paid crumbs. As
they say, it is such a weird thing. And so
the problem with silence is that no one will ever
(11:23):
know you and what you really think. We have to
start eliminating the fear of losing people, in losing relationships
over how we really feel and who we really are.
It really is time out for that and we need
to clean up our relationships, filter things out. And I
(11:47):
did a podcast some time ago. It's been a while
since I talked about this, but I discussed how getting
a fish tank taught me so much about the filtering process.
And while it's a physical thing that I really have
to do for my fish, it is a very metaphorical
(12:07):
for me because here I am testing the water. Is
there any metals in it that could be harmful? Is
there any ammonia in it? Is there any is the
pH levels balance. Is there anything here any nitrates? Nitrates,
anything in this water that could kill my fish. It's
(12:28):
the same thing with life, it's the same thing with us.
We have to get to a place, you guys, where
we are valuing self first. When you don't value self first,
when you aren't authentic with self, we tend to collect junk.
(12:49):
We tend to collect metals and things in our diet,
mental state, in our spiritual life that just does not
belong to us. And that is the problem with silence.
And so when have I found it important to go silent?
(13:13):
I'll tell you this, This right here is the kicker.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
To this whole thing.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
I encourage all of you guys to find a balance
right in what I'm saying. And like I said, each
person is different, who you're talking to and how their
behaviors are. That is all important. Okay, there is a
way to say things. There is a time to say things,
(13:41):
and there is a time of expression and a way
to express if that makes sense. I will never ever
encourage you guys to just go off popping off on people,
cussing people out. That's not what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
I'll give you a quick example, I got into a
conversation recently with someone about politics. It was not my intention, okay, period,
did not care to have this conversation with this individual,
And as a matter of fact, I called them because
I knew that they was a Kamala supporter. I voted
for Trump, and you guys, I've expressed this clearly as.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
To why here on my channel.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
And not only that before Kamala lost, Right, I expressed
to this individual clearly why I was voting for Trump.
It was cool as long as they thought Kamala was
going to win. The problem is the upset that Trump
coust with so many Americans voting for him when they
(14:44):
thought no one would based on the things that was
being put out in the atmosphere, of which I considered
to be fear mongering at its best. Okay, And we'll
have this first twelve months to really know what's up,
because time tales.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
On everybody eventually. Right.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
So I'm talking to this individual recently and I bring
up the topic of insurance and how insurance is something
that I feel like it is such a scam because
the insurance companies pick and choose who they're going to
award benefits to. If there is a claim, and so
(15:24):
many people pay into their claims for years and years
and years having never had a claim or should I say,
their policies, never having taken out a claim like myself.
God forbid I ever have to.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
I hope not.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
But when people have needed it and they've put in
certain claims, then these insurance companies deny that. This is
not a governmental thing, This is not a presidential issue,
This is a private insurance corporation issue. This person decided
that they were going to bash me because they were
(15:59):
waiting on them opportunity to call me out for who
I voted for, because I have not talked to them
or as I said, I guess the best way spoken
to them since this election, and all of a sudden
and I could tell they were waiting and looking for
an excuse to go off. And so what I then
(16:23):
said to this person who was like, you have no
right to talk about insurance issues when you voted for Trump,
popping off right? And then I respond to this individual
and I say, you know what though, first of all,
what you're not gonna do is put the burden of
(16:43):
that entire situation of health care on me. Whatever your
fears are concerning Trump has nothing to do with me,
and I'm very polite with this. I also wish this
person the best in all of my messages, and this
person never returns the same energy. Ever, this is when
(17:05):
I go silent on people, because there is a way
that I've put things out. I try to have discussions,
I try to stay calm, I try to be honest
about my feelings and emotions, and when people decide that
they don't care about mine, that's when I no longer
contribute to them or in any conversation. So the initial
(17:29):
thing was I let this person know where I stand.
Then after that, based on the response and seeing that
they're not matching the same energy of even wishing me
well but instead wanting to tear me down, that's when
I stop talking. And I also will stop talking to
(17:51):
people who do that to others when they're being messy.
So there is a time for silence, but usually my
silence is after people know where I stand and have known.
I've had some people who knew exactly why I wasn't
(18:11):
communicating with them, but what they wanted to do was
act like they didn't know because they wanted to hear.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Me say it.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
Constantly just so they can jump down my throat about something.
And so I've learned these little tricks that people try,
and I'm gonna tell you, guys, it's still an equation
to be worked out for me. This is still something
that I'm navigating myself.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
But what I refuse to do.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Is discontinue honesty and discontinue honest discussions because people do
not wanna have those. And so even recent in recent years,
I told you, guys, I've been going through this for
a little minute, when it comes down to just the purging.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Of people who I've talked to who treat me like
I'm nothing and.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Really act like that, really do who haven't cared wants
how they've treated me. But I'm supposed to constantly care
about how I treat them and what I say, Oh,
you said this, or you're not doing this that I
want you to do, or you're not readily available for me.
(19:26):
But yet when I needed something, none of these people
who are so demanding of my time, none of these
people who are so demanding of my communication, none of
these people who are so demanding of my praise. Because
I've been dealt with a situation where one particular person
(19:47):
wants me to constantly be so happy for them, Yay,
you made it.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
This is amazing, that's so cool.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
I'm so glad that you've done this and you've achieved this.
But the moment they're doing something that's off put or hurtful,
I can't say anything. It's so interesting those dynamics. And
I tell the people close to me all the time,
(20:17):
I say, listen, if y'all see me going off the
deep end, let me know I need help sometime. And
I really do, I really do. I run so many
things past my small little tight circle, especially when I
know I'm about to go off the deep end on
something and I'm in my emotions and my feelings and
(20:40):
I feel like I'm about to go in like a
wrecking ball milesyris. I really do ask for help, so
I hope someone would pull me to the side. And
it's not always just praising me for my milestones, which
that doesn't happen really either amongst these people I no
(21:01):
longer talk to. None of these things are real to me.
And so with that being said, my silence that I
choose to go into is after I've spoken up, and
based on that response, lets me know what I should
put into that relationship and what I should not. And
(21:25):
I've also went silent on people who never honored my
silent system when I told them listen, can't talk about
these things right now.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
I need space. And when that's not.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Respected, what else do I need to do? How is
that possible to walk back into relationships with people who
clearly do not respect you?
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Is it even worth keeping?
Speaker 1 (21:54):
And so I let someone else know recently a great
conversation I had, and this is a mother daughter dynamic
and being a daughter. Because I have no children, so
I can only speak from a daughter's perspective. I let
this mother know that her and her daughter really need
(22:17):
to communicate because her daughter is holding certain levels of
animosity because she was never told certain things by her mom.
Her mom never broke down. Why maybe, let's just say
she was so protective of her and didn't let her
(22:38):
spend a night at friend's house when she was younger.
Why she was that mom who seemingly was a little
bit more disciplined than other mothers, who was always kind
of in her business and not allowing her to do
things that a lot of teenagers are allowed to do.
(22:58):
When you know their so called growing up I guess,
and learning on their own self learning. I don't know
what to call it. But my mom was very involved
in my life. I told her things. We talked a lot.
And not only that, my mom and I talked a
lot about some of her issues as well. So it
(23:21):
was kind of easy to understand my mom's positions on
some things because I understood or upbringing, I understood some
of her relationships.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Now did she tell me everything? No?
Speaker 1 (23:32):
And I don't recommend, and I need to make this clear,
I don't recommend just going out here spilling your guts
to people. That is not what I'm saying at all.
Once again, you have to find the balance. What I'm
talking about are the layers of communication that's preventing you
from growing in a relationship, being honest with individuals to
(23:55):
help you thrive in your emotional state or your spiritual
state of my spirit, and being able to move authentically
in what you believe in who you are as a person.
Those are the things I'm talking about. And also based
on the things you support, which is also a part
(24:16):
of your authenticity. What are your standards, what do you support,
what do you not support?
Speaker 2 (24:21):
What do you believe. What do you not believe? Does
that make sense?
Speaker 1 (24:25):
So with this mother, my conversation with her is share
with your daughter more about your upbringing, share with her
more about the things that hurt you, Share with her
a little bit more about your relationships. So that way
it can maybe paint you in a different light to
(24:46):
her because currently you've never had those conversations, and they
are important ones to have because once again, cycling all
the way back to the beginning of this conversation, way
back to the beginning of this podcast, I said, when
you stay silent, the problem.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
Is people never know who you are.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
They don't and so we're having a situation with this
mother daughter where they don't understand one another. They don't
know one another, they don't know what each other really
thinks or feel because they're kind of just existing in
each other's world. And that's why it's so important to
(25:36):
stop just existing so.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
People will know you. And lately, for.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Me, I find it a lot harder not to share
how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking because the times
are interesting and my practice, as well to those of
you listening in my practice is also listen to other people.
And I've done that looping back around to this conversation
(26:06):
that I had about politics with someone recently, where they're
jumping down my throat because of who I voted for.
I have listened to individuals tell me things I'm telling
you that I never would agree with in my life,
but to me, it helps me move with people in
(26:26):
a different way. And I think that's another reason why
it's important to be honest and upfront about who you are,
because when you are, it gives a person a chance
to decide whether they're gonna move forward with you or not.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
And so.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
With that being said, I am someone now and I've
always been this way, but even more so now when
my husband is taking the time to express himself to
me and want to talk to me about certain things
is going on in his life business. Because regardless of
whether you're a couple, whether it's family dynamics, whether it's coworkers,
(27:07):
whether it's business partners, whatever the case may be, we
have to learn that we are not the only ones
who need to be heard. While I'm telling you to
be your authentic self and to express yourself, I'm also
telling you to open up and allow people to do
the same.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
It's a two way street.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
Not one way, and so being able to listen to
other people allows me to engage, allows me to understand
where they are in life, and it allows me to
encourage if that's something that's needed at the time. It
allows me to celebrate. So many great things can come
(27:57):
out of listening. And then on the other side of that,
it allows you to know what boundaries need to be
in place with people, and there are a lot of
boundaries that we need to be setting up. I find
it very ignorant of people to think that just because
(28:20):
you've liked someone or just because you've gotten along with people,
that you don't need boundaries. Seriously, it's like shopping at
your favorite store and thinking just because you go there
and don't steal anything, that they don't need to lock
their doors because it's a nice store.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
No, we need security and we.
Speaker 1 (28:45):
Need to constantly be scanning because you never know when
someone has had another conversation with someone else, or if
they're going through something in life that could impact you.
That's real, very and that's a conversation for another day.
(29:06):
So you, guys, in everything that I'm saying, be balanced,
find the healthiest way to communicate, Do not remain silent
about who you are, what your standards are, what your
goals are. Of course, you can't tell everybody your goals,
so I'm not telling you guys to go out here
in the streets start telling everybody.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
What you want to do and accomplish. No, but.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Be honest as much as possible in your conversations you guys.
There's this book called the Four Agreements, where I believe
one of the four agreements is to be impeccable with
your words, which means when you actually do say something,
be straightforward, mean that, speak clearly, express clearly what your
(29:56):
thoughts are. I feel like that's a great, great agreement,
you know what I mean. So I'm encouraging you guys
with that today. Find the balance and what I'm saying,
because everybody's different, everybody is on a different situation in life,
and I get that. So find the balance in what
(30:17):
I'm saying. But understand that if you're someone at the
sound of my voice right now, who's feeling bound up
in your relationships, you're feeling unheard, you're feeling like no
one knows me, it's probably because you decide not to
express yourself to these people, to keep peace, and in
(30:39):
the process of keeping peace, you're highly disturbed. And to
me and my opinion, that is your inner self, that
being that God has blessed you to be, who's trying
to speak to you and tell you this is not right.
The fact that you never say anything, the fact that
you never deal with anything, is not right. So I'm
(31:03):
encouraging you guys to find your voice and in the
healthiest way possible, start to use it. Okay, So that
is the end of my podcast. Those are my thoughts
you guys. If you have a comment about this podcast today,
definitely click the link in the description and come on
(31:25):
over and leave me a comment I would love to
hear from you. Remember to keep your comments classy and professional,
because that's all we do over here. And until next time,
you guys, Chat soon.
Hi, everyone, Welcome back to another episode of Motivation Zone.
It is your host here, Monica Ma super excited to
be with you guys, and we're gonna dive into the
topic of the problem with silence. And this topic is
going to be a broad one and I'm gonna be painting,
I guess you can say with a broad brush. But
(00:23):
it is up to you as a listener to take
parallel with your own situation and you decide in what
categories your communications, either on the giving in or the
receiving end, is being handled in your life. So the
first thing I want to start with is the problem
(00:43):
with initial silence. And what I mean by initial silence
is when you have a problem, right and when there's
a situation that is bothering you or when there is
something that you need to express, you decide to remain
silent silent. The problem with that is is by the
(01:07):
time people know what your frustrations and your issues are,
the situation has then escalated. A lot of the times,
I don't know if you guys do this. I have
been guilty of it, but not as much because I'm
a talker straight up, And I'll tell you, guys how
that's going for me to be honest with you, it's interesting.
(01:29):
But with my experiences when I have not properly communicated,
which is not usual for me, but when it's happened,
I find that I've done it because I'm hoping that
that individual or that group of people who I'm having
a struggle with, or I'm feeling a certain way regarding
(01:51):
some things, and I'm hoping I don't have to say anything,
and I'm hoping they come to the same conclusion i'm
coming to that the situation is right. I'm hoping that
this happens, but it never does right. So a lot
of the times people will stay silent, hoping that the
situation will resolve itself, and I'm here to tell you
(02:15):
it usually does not okay at all. And the problem
with silence is it leaves too much room for assumptions.
I hate the thoughts, and this is the reason why
I continue to communicate the way I do, because I
never want anyone to assume where I stand on anything
(02:39):
that's just me personally right now in my life. I
don't want people to look at me anything that I
have going on in life and just simply think, oh, well,
this is where she is and this is what she thinks. No,
I'm gonna tell you flat out the struggle I've had
recently with my clear unication because what I say I mean,
(03:02):
I really do. But what I've had an issue with
is then I'm addressing too many people who don't want
the truth and don't want to hear what I have
to say, nor have they ever valued what I've had
to say. And so then when I speak up and
I say the things that I feel are truthful according
(03:23):
to where I stand, according to what I know, according
to what I understand at the time, then my words
are being twisted into something else. That has been one
of the most I have to say, you guys, It's
been one of the creepiest experiences I've had, I would say,
(03:44):
in the past five years. True story, because I'm sitting
here and I'm saying exactly what I mean, I'm telling
the experience exactly as I understand it. I am recalling
events exactly as they've happened, and my words get twisted
(04:06):
upside down to mean other things, which is why in
twenty twenty, the term gaslight was the most searched term
in America in twenty twenty because so many people were
having their experiences twisted into something else in hopes that
(04:27):
they would believe they weren't experiencing what they weren't experiencing,
or that they didn't catch the vibe that they caught.
You know, it's been crazy, And I never thought that
was a thing.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
I was the.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Type of person who always assumed that everybody wanted honesty.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Wow, I was wrong.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
I'm telling you, I understand that now, and it's still
quite a concept to grasp that everyone does not want honesty.
People would rather bottle up their emotions, bottle up their
true feelings, bottle up the realization of actual events, bottle
(05:14):
up their true thoughts before sharing them with anyone. And
I'm telling you, guys, there's a problem with that. So initially,
when I first started having this experience of communication and
my words and even actions being twisted, I initially thought
(05:39):
it's not worth talking to people. I initially thought that
it would be better if I kept my thoughts and
my opinions and my issues with issues to myself. Right
and now, in many issues and circumstances, I did get quiet.
And I'm gonna tell you guys, and I do actually
(06:00):
go quiet. We're gonna break it all the way down,
So hang out with me, okay. But and I'll get
to that. But I have to tell you, guys, when
I initially shared these things with people and their reaction,
I was tempted to not say anything else, and not
talk to anyone else, and not share anything else. And
(06:21):
this is when people usually go into a moment in
their life where they're drinking, They're trying to find other
ways to cope, they are getting into pretty bad relationships.
They think that no one cares about them, No one
cares about their true feelings, no one cares about their emotions,
(06:45):
no one cares that they are hurt. I feel all
of those things, and if you ask me today if
I still feel them, I would say, yes, I do.
But I'll tell you why I refuse to stop being
on honest and to stop having conversations. I'll tell you
why I refuse to do it because I had this thought,
(07:08):
and this was around twenty twenty, twenty twenty one, that
if something was to happen to me today, god forbid.
There's this saying that we should live each day like
it's our last right. I remember hearing the stories of
ancestors and people you know, who have lived this life
(07:31):
before us, who have come and gone, and how many
dreams were in the grave, and how many things left
unsaid were in the grave. And I even heard a
situation where and I guess this is from people who
work in hospice, and how they always say one of
(07:52):
the top regrets from those who are in hospice is
that they weren't more honest and didn't share what they
really wanted to share. And having people feel like they're
not known truly for who they are because they've been
(08:13):
pacifying people for so long, trying to keep every relationship,
and then once it's time or nearing the time for
them to rest, no one really knows them the things
unset and the things not done. And I remember having
(08:35):
this thought, and I guess, to be honest with you,
the situation of twenty twenty, I'm not even gonna say it,
but you know, see nineteen, let me just put it
that way, that had me thinking a lot because so
many people were dying, and while people wanted to act
like that wasn't.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
A thing, it was right.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
And so in that regard, I was thinking about my
life and I was like, do I really want to
leave this earth with no one knowing me really, with
not standing on something I believed, and with keeping all
these relationships, and then come to find out when I
(09:17):
did step up with honesty and truth and stand on standards,
I lost the very people I thought cared about me.
Which was the best thing that could have happened to
be honest with you, guys, because that let me know
who I needed to work harder to be in a
relationship with and who I did not. Sometimes we are
(09:41):
working too hard in relationships that are not equal. It's rough, right,
And the problem with silence and the problem with not
being yourself, the problem with not reaching for authenticity in
every moment. It's that you're never ever cycling out and
(10:06):
filtering out that which is not for you. So you
continue to work and work and work.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
And build.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
On foundations that people are so willing to tear down
and are so willing to break and so willing to
light a match to, and you would never know it
because you're too busy agreeing with everything, or you're too
busy trying to stay neutral with everything and don't want
(10:38):
anyone to know how you really feel, not even knowing
that you're building with people who really don't care about you,
And when it's time for you to need something, whether
it's sympathy, empathy, whether it's the same understanding that you've
been given the entire time, when it's time for you
(11:00):
to be on the receiving end of that and you
don't have it, that's when you realize I've been doing
this all this time just to get paid crumbs. As
they say, it is such a weird thing. And so
the problem with silence is that no one will ever
(11:23):
know you and what you really think. We have to
start eliminating the fear of losing people, in losing relationships
over how we really feel and who we really are.
It really is time out for that and we need
to clean up our relationships, filter things out. And I
(11:47):
did a podcast some time ago. It's been a while
since I talked about this, but I discussed how getting
a fish tank taught me so much about the filtering process.
And while it's a physical thing that I really have
to do for my fish, it is a very metaphorical
(12:07):
for me because here I am testing the water. Is
there any metals in it that could be harmful? Is
there any ammonia in it? Is there any is the
pH levels balance. Is there anything here any nitrates? Nitrates,
anything in this water that could kill my fish. It's
(12:28):
the same thing with life, it's the same thing with us.
We have to get to a place, you guys, where
we are valuing self first. When you don't value self first,
when you aren't authentic with self, we tend to collect junk.
(12:49):
We tend to collect metals and things in our diet,
mental state, in our spiritual life that just does not
belong to us. And that is the problem with silence.
And so when have I found it important to go silent?
(13:13):
I'll tell you this, This right here is the kicker.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
To this whole thing.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
I encourage all of you guys to find a balance
right in what I'm saying. And like I said, each
person is different, who you're talking to and how their
behaviors are. That is all important. Okay, there is a
way to say things. There is a time to say things,
(13:41):
and there is a time of expression and a way
to express if that makes sense. I will never ever
encourage you guys to just go off popping off on people,
cussing people out. That's not what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
I'll give you a quick example, I got into a
conversation recently with someone about politics. It was not my intention, okay, period,
did not care to have this conversation with this individual,
And as a matter of fact, I called them because
I knew that they was a Kamala supporter. I voted
for Trump, and you guys, I've expressed this clearly as.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
To why here on my channel.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
And not only that before Kamala lost, Right, I expressed
to this individual clearly why I was voting for Trump.
It was cool as long as they thought Kamala was
going to win. The problem is the upset that Trump
coust with so many Americans voting for him when they
(14:44):
thought no one would based on the things that was
being put out in the atmosphere, of which I considered
to be fear mongering at its best. Okay, And we'll
have this first twelve months to really know what's up,
because time tales.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
On everybody eventually. Right.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
So I'm talking to this individual recently and I bring
up the topic of insurance and how insurance is something
that I feel like it is such a scam because
the insurance companies pick and choose who they're going to
award benefits to. If there is a claim, and so
(15:24):
many people pay into their claims for years and years
and years having never had a claim or should I say,
their policies, never having taken out a claim like myself.
God forbid I ever have to.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
I hope not.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
But when people have needed it and they've put in
certain claims, then these insurance companies deny that. This is
not a governmental thing, This is not a presidential issue,
This is a private insurance corporation issue. This person decided
that they were going to bash me because they were
(15:59):
waiting on them opportunity to call me out for who
I voted for, because I have not talked to them
or as I said, I guess the best way spoken
to them since this election, and all of a sudden
and I could tell they were waiting and looking for
an excuse to go off. And so what I then
(16:23):
said to this person who was like, you have no
right to talk about insurance issues when you voted for Trump,
popping off right? And then I respond to this individual
and I say, you know what though, first of all,
what you're not gonna do is put the burden of
(16:43):
that entire situation of health care on me. Whatever your
fears are concerning Trump has nothing to do with me,
and I'm very polite with this. I also wish this
person the best in all of my messages, and this
person never returns the same energy. Ever, this is when
(17:05):
I go silent on people, because there is a way
that I've put things out. I try to have discussions,
I try to stay calm, I try to be honest
about my feelings and emotions, and when people decide that
they don't care about mine, that's when I no longer
contribute to them or in any conversation. So the initial
(17:29):
thing was I let this person know where I stand.
Then after that, based on the response and seeing that
they're not matching the same energy of even wishing me
well but instead wanting to tear me down, that's when
I stop talking. And I also will stop talking to
(17:51):
people who do that to others when they're being messy.
So there is a time for silence, but usually my
silence is after people know where I stand and have known.
I've had some people who knew exactly why I wasn't
(18:11):
communicating with them, but what they wanted to do was
act like they didn't know because they wanted to hear.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Me say it.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
Constantly just so they can jump down my throat about something.
And so I've learned these little tricks that people try,
and I'm gonna tell you, guys, it's still an equation
to be worked out for me. This is still something
that I'm navigating myself.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
But what I refuse to do.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Is discontinue honesty and discontinue honest discussions because people do
not wanna have those. And so even recent in recent years,
I told you, guys, I've been going through this for
a little minute, when it comes down to just the purging.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Of people who I've talked to who treat me like
I'm nothing and.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Really act like that, really do who haven't cared wants
how they've treated me. But I'm supposed to constantly care
about how I treat them and what I say, Oh,
you said this, or you're not doing this that I
want you to do, or you're not readily available for me.
(19:26):
But yet when I needed something, none of these people
who are so demanding of my time, none of these
people who are so demanding of my communication, none of
these people who are so demanding of my praise. Because
I've been dealt with a situation where one particular person
(19:47):
wants me to constantly be so happy for them, Yay,
you made it.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
This is amazing, that's so cool.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
I'm so glad that you've done this and you've achieved this.
But the moment they're doing something that's off put or hurtful,
I can't say anything. It's so interesting those dynamics. And
I tell the people close to me all the time,
(20:17):
I say, listen, if y'all see me going off the
deep end, let me know I need help sometime. And
I really do, I really do. I run so many
things past my small little tight circle, especially when I
know I'm about to go off the deep end on
something and I'm in my emotions and my feelings and
(20:40):
I feel like I'm about to go in like a
wrecking ball milesyris. I really do ask for help, so
I hope someone would pull me to the side. And
it's not always just praising me for my milestones, which
that doesn't happen really either amongst these people I no
(21:01):
longer talk to. None of these things are real to me.
And so with that being said, my silence that I
choose to go into is after I've spoken up, and
based on that response, lets me know what I should
put into that relationship and what I should not. And
(21:25):
I've also went silent on people who never honored my
silent system when I told them listen, can't talk about
these things right now.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
I need space. And when that's not.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Respected, what else do I need to do? How is
that possible to walk back into relationships with people who
clearly do not respect you?
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Is it even worth keeping?
Speaker 1 (21:54):
And so I let someone else know recently a great
conversation I had, and this is a mother daughter dynamic
and being a daughter. Because I have no children, so
I can only speak from a daughter's perspective. I let
this mother know that her and her daughter really need
(22:17):
to communicate because her daughter is holding certain levels of
animosity because she was never told certain things by her mom.
Her mom never broke down. Why maybe, let's just say
she was so protective of her and didn't let her
(22:38):
spend a night at friend's house when she was younger.
Why she was that mom who seemingly was a little
bit more disciplined than other mothers, who was always kind
of in her business and not allowing her to do
things that a lot of teenagers are allowed to do.
(22:58):
When you know their so called growing up I guess,
and learning on their own self learning. I don't know
what to call it. But my mom was very involved
in my life. I told her things. We talked a lot.
And not only that, my mom and I talked a
lot about some of her issues as well. So it
(23:21):
was kind of easy to understand my mom's positions on
some things because I understood or upbringing, I understood some
of her relationships.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Now did she tell me everything? No?
Speaker 1 (23:32):
And I don't recommend, and I need to make this clear,
I don't recommend just going out here spilling your guts
to people. That is not what I'm saying at all.
Once again, you have to find the balance. What I'm
talking about are the layers of communication that's preventing you
from growing in a relationship, being honest with individuals to
(23:55):
help you thrive in your emotional state or your spiritual
state of my spirit, and being able to move authentically
in what you believe in who you are as a person.
Those are the things I'm talking about. And also based
on the things you support, which is also a part
(24:16):
of your authenticity. What are your standards, what do you support,
what do you not support?
Speaker 2 (24:21):
What do you believe. What do you not believe? Does
that make sense?
Speaker 1 (24:25):
So with this mother, my conversation with her is share
with your daughter more about your upbringing, share with her
more about the things that hurt you, Share with her
a little bit more about your relationships. So that way
it can maybe paint you in a different light to
(24:46):
her because currently you've never had those conversations, and they
are important ones to have because once again, cycling all
the way back to the beginning of this conversation, way
back to the beginning of this podcast, I said, when
you stay silent, the problem.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
Is people never know who you are.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
They don't and so we're having a situation with this
mother daughter where they don't understand one another. They don't
know one another, they don't know what each other really
thinks or feel because they're kind of just existing in
each other's world. And that's why it's so important to
(25:36):
stop just existing so.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
People will know you. And lately, for.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Me, I find it a lot harder not to share
how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking because the times
are interesting and my practice, as well to those of
you listening in my practice is also listen to other people.
And I've done that looping back around to this conversation
(26:06):
that I had about politics with someone recently, where they're
jumping down my throat because of who I voted for.
I have listened to individuals tell me things I'm telling
you that I never would agree with in my life,
but to me, it helps me move with people in
(26:26):
a different way. And I think that's another reason why
it's important to be honest and upfront about who you are,
because when you are, it gives a person a chance
to decide whether they're gonna move forward with you or not.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
And so.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
With that being said, I am someone now and I've
always been this way, but even more so now when
my husband is taking the time to express himself to
me and want to talk to me about certain things
is going on in his life business. Because regardless of
whether you're a couple, whether it's family dynamics, whether it's coworkers,
(27:07):
whether it's business partners, whatever the case may be, we
have to learn that we are not the only ones
who need to be heard. While I'm telling you to
be your authentic self and to express yourself, I'm also
telling you to open up and allow people to do
the same.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
It's a two way street.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
Not one way, and so being able to listen to
other people allows me to engage, allows me to understand
where they are in life, and it allows me to
encourage if that's something that's needed at the time. It
allows me to celebrate. So many great things can come
(27:57):
out of listening. And then on the other side of that,
it allows you to know what boundaries need to be
in place with people, and there are a lot of
boundaries that we need to be setting up. I find
it very ignorant of people to think that just because
(28:20):
you've liked someone or just because you've gotten along with people,
that you don't need boundaries. Seriously, it's like shopping at
your favorite store and thinking just because you go there
and don't steal anything, that they don't need to lock
their doors because it's a nice store.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
No, we need security and we.
Speaker 1 (28:45):
Need to constantly be scanning because you never know when
someone has had another conversation with someone else, or if
they're going through something in life that could impact you.
That's real, very and that's a conversation for another day.
(29:06):
So you, guys, in everything that I'm saying, be balanced,
find the healthiest way to communicate, Do not remain silent
about who you are, what your standards are, what your
goals are. Of course, you can't tell everybody your goals,
so I'm not telling you guys to go out here
in the streets start telling everybody.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
What you want to do and accomplish. No, but.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Be honest as much as possible in your conversations you guys.
There's this book called the Four Agreements, where I believe
one of the four agreements is to be impeccable with
your words, which means when you actually do say something,
be straightforward, mean that, speak clearly, express clearly what your
(29:56):
thoughts are. I feel like that's a great, great agreement,
you know what I mean. So I'm encouraging you guys
with that today. Find the balance and what I'm saying,
because everybody's different, everybody is on a different situation in life,
and I get that. So find the balance in what
(30:17):
I'm saying. But understand that if you're someone at the
sound of my voice right now, who's feeling bound up
in your relationships, you're feeling unheard, you're feeling like no
one knows me, it's probably because you decide not to
express yourself to these people, to keep peace, and in
(30:39):
the process of keeping peace, you're highly disturbed. And to
me and my opinion, that is your inner self, that
being that God has blessed you to be, who's trying
to speak to you and tell you this is not right.
The fact that you never say anything, the fact that
you never deal with anything, is not right. So I'm
(31:03):
encouraging you guys to find your voice and in the
healthiest way possible, start to use it. Okay, So that
is the end of my podcast. Those are my thoughts
you guys. If you have a comment about this podcast today,
definitely click the link in the description and come on
(31:25):
over and leave me a comment I would love to
hear from you. Remember to keep your comments classy and professional,
because that's all we do over here. And until next time,
you guys, Chat soon.
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