Leah

This one is a little different from the usual interview on this podcast, but Leah has a story to tell and I let her tell it.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is the Never Too Old for a Good Spanking Podcast.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
Put the hands up front, stick that butt out, stick
it out.

Speaker 3 (00:13):
Yes, sir, I need a spade. I need a guy spade.
I need a spade. I need.

Speaker 2 (00:25):
Hey, everybody, Welcome to another episode of the Never Too
Old for a Good Spanking Podcast. Now, I have to
give a little information out there before I get into
my next guest. A few episodes ago, I interviewed The
Kink Consultant. I'm here to tell you right now that
she is coming out with her own podcast and that

(00:45):
is going to be available pretty much anywhere you listen
to podcasts. And I believe the podcast is just called
The Kink Consultant, so be on the lookout for that one.
But that will be available anywhere you listen to podcasts. Now.
My next guest is a thirty six year old female.

(01:05):
She lives in North Carolina. She is married to fet
life user Krack. That is three RS in that and
Crack has spelled pretty much typically like you would normally
spell crack, just use three RS for it. And they
have been together since they were both eighteen years old.
She is a submissive and an emotional masochist and she

(01:29):
stubbornly refuses to identify as a spanko. We are going
to get into that, but I'm not going to hold
that against her right now. But I'd like to welcome
to the show right now, Leah, Leah, how is it
going good?

Speaker 3 (01:45):
Thank you for having me, Thank you.

Speaker 2 (01:46):
For being here. You have a very interesting story, one
that I've never really covered on the podcast before. But
people out there you could check her out on fet
life and her name is very simple fet life. It
is just underscore underscore Leah. L Eah. That's right, that

(02:07):
is a double underscore, l Eah. She's got a handful
of cute pictures on there and some very interesting writings. Leah.
I have an initial question that I absolutely need to
know the answer to. What is an emotional masochist?

Speaker 1 (02:26):
To me, a normal masochist is somebody who likes physical pain.

Speaker 3 (02:31):
I like emotional pain.

Speaker 1 (02:33):
I like a certain kind of emotional pain that comes
from betraying the worst parts of myself, like my self
protective impulses, or being forced to look at the things
I don't want to look at, or address issues I
don't want to address. I like emotional trust falls, and
I think you need some emotional pain to do.

Speaker 2 (02:53):
That, so you prefer the emotional part of this over
the physical part. Yes, you know we're gonna do. We're
gonna take it down just a little bit before we
get into the meat of this, because there is a
lot of meat we got to dig into. But I
noticed that a couple of your interests are cults and
the ghost paranormal thing. Yes, have you ever had anything

(03:17):
happen to you paranormal?

Speaker 1 (03:19):
Yes, I've had a lot of paranormal experiences, so.

Speaker 3 (03:22):
I don't even know which ones to get into.

Speaker 1 (03:24):
But when I was a kid, my parents would go
out on dates and my brother and I would stay
home alone and we would watch America's Most Wanted in Cops.
And at a certain point we would hear someone walking
around downstairs and we would think that our parents came home,
and we would yell down to them, but they wouldn't
be home yet. And I guess that's probably the first
weird spooky thing that happened.

Speaker 3 (03:47):
When I was in high school.

Speaker 1 (03:48):
I lived at a long term program for like troubled teens.

Speaker 2 (03:52):
Oh, we are going to get into that a little later,
but okay, you continue with your answer.

Speaker 1 (03:58):
It was on like a four hundred year old they
had turned it into this program. And the first house
I lived in was kind of like a group home
type of situation. When I would try to go to
sleep at night, I'll see a girl staying next to
my bed with a white dress and long black hair.
It should be glaring at me and it would be
so intense that I couldn't sleep. But this was not

(04:18):
that long after the ring came out, so I thought
it was all in my head.

Speaker 3 (04:22):
It wasn't until.

Speaker 1 (04:23):
Years later that I overheard other girls talking about how
haunted this one house was and how people had seen
a girl with long black hair and a white dress
in the house. So that, I guess got me interested
in trusting my intuition. And I mean I did have
physical experiences in that house, like I felt ice cold
fingers grabbing my toes on time. So yeah, I always

(04:45):
want to hear about people's ghost stories.

Speaker 2 (04:47):
I absolutely love other people's ghost stories. And you know,
there's a lot of people out there that don't believe
in this stuff. Yeah, so I don't want to get
into it right now, but I would love maybe to
have a spango, although you're not, but I would involve you.
I would love to have a spanko paranormal episode where
people could just tell me their paranormal happenings. But I

(05:09):
also love to watch Investigation Discovery all the time ID,
and I absolutely love to hear about cults. I find
them very fascinating. I find all of that true crime
stuff very fascinating. But anyway, let's move on, because we
got a lot to talk about in this episode, and

(05:31):
this episode interview is going to be a little different
than every other one that I've given here. It's going
to be a little heavier. We're going to talk a
lot more about parental spankings than I usually do on here.
And when I say more than usual, it's an understatement
because there is barely ever more than a brief mention

(05:53):
of childhood spanking on any of these episodes. But hopefully
what Leah has to say here about what she went
through might help others that have had a similar experience,
because I do know other girls that have had experiences
somewhat similar to yours. But yours, as far as I

(06:13):
have read on here, is a little different than any
of the other ones that I've heard about. So are
you ready to get into it?

Speaker 3 (06:21):
I'm ready.

Speaker 2 (06:23):
One of the first things I want to ask you
is you said that humiliation is one of your favorite
subjects and it's the most interesting emotion to you. Can
you explain that to me?

Speaker 1 (06:35):
I feel like humiliation is a lot of emotional food.
I think humiliation is interesting because it kind of strips
away the costume that you want to wear, or the
version of yourself that you wish you could be. Even
the way that you lie to yourself about who you
are kind of strips all of that away and reveals
the core. And there's just so many different kinds of humiliation,

(06:58):
and people are attracted to are ones, and I think
it's almost like bitter medicine that sometimes you just have
to drink it and it does interesting stuff to you.

Speaker 2 (07:08):
When it comes to this spanking thing, spanking itself is
a humiliation, but everyone likes this for a different reason,
likes it or dislikes it. What's humiliating to one person
isn't humiliating to another person, And what is humiliating to
someone actually feeds the need that they have at the time.

(07:31):
No matter what you say here is right for you,
where someone else would have a total different answer to
what I just asked. Yes, I understand what you're saying.
But let me ask you this back when you were younger,
let's say, before all this started happening to you, which
we're going to get into what all this is? Did
you have these confusing spanking thoughts that consumed your mind

(07:55):
when you were young Like most of us who moump
ourselves in as spankos, did you have these thoughts when
you were younger?

Speaker 1 (08:02):
Well, this is something I thought about a lot. Was
I born like this? To any extent? I was definitely
interested in power exchange. I guess you could say I
was interested in dominance and submission. I think I was
born like that, and I think I was interested in
spanking as a part of something larger, like when someone

(08:24):
dominates somebody else.

Speaker 2 (08:26):
But spanking didn't consume you like for me, all I
could think about was spanking someone, not necessarily hurting them.
I just wanted to put them over my knee, which
I did not get spanked over the knee when I
was younger, maybe one time in my entire life. But
all I could think about is putting this girl over

(08:46):
my knee and giving her a spanking. I mean, it
still consumes me, and everyone is very different when it
comes to this. But what you're saying is that maybe
when you were younger, you did have this humiliate thing
already in your head, but spanking wasn't really a part
of what you were always thinking about.

Speaker 1 (09:07):
Yeah, I was thinking about dominance and maybe even cruelty
and submission.

Speaker 3 (09:13):
So speaking can be a part of that. That's one
version of it.

Speaker 2 (09:17):
You also said in your fet life, and I'm going
to quote you quite a bit because there was a
lot to go on here, So instead of formulating a big,
long question, I'm just going to quote you and you
could take it from there.

Speaker 3 (09:30):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (09:31):
You said, from a very young age, the possibility of
getting a spanking was something I always thought about and
was constantly hedging against, and it was extremely humiliating for
me just knowing it was something that could happen if
I accidentally took my attitude a step too far. And
for me, I felt the exact same way. But the

(09:54):
effect of spanking on you went a total different direction
than it did for me, And spanking was way more
common when I was younger. But when I got spanked
when I was younger, never once did it ever strike
me as a sexual thing. When my parents spanked me,
but yours in your head went a total different way.

(10:19):
So explain that quote to me that I read to you.

Speaker 1 (10:22):
Well, I think what a lot of people don't understand,
even after they read all my stuff, is that my
dad is not the one who actually spanked me. It
was my mom who spanked me, and she would do
it sort of just event anger. It wasn't something that
happened a lot, and when it did happen, it wasn't
like a big virtualized thing. She would just get so

(10:44):
mad that she would just suddenly spank me. And that
really bothered me because I didn't know what to do
to prevent it from happening. And at a certain point
when I was little, I was afraid to get within
arm's reach of her because I didn't know she was
going to suddenly smack my butt. I definitely knew that
my dad would spank me if I took things too far,

(11:07):
and when I was little, that just scared me in
a normal way, you know, like little kids don't want
to get spank because it hurts.

Speaker 3 (11:13):
But once it started to get older, it started.

Speaker 1 (11:15):
To be more about a power struggle, and I really
didn't want to lose a power struggle with him. That's
kind of the point of spanking is to like end
a power struggle definitively, you know.

Speaker 2 (11:26):
Because basically there really is no power struggle in a spanking.
You know, you lose. Yes, people right now are probably
thinking where is this going, Well, just stay tuned, because
this is going further and further. You also said on
your profile that what scared me so badly about spanking,

(11:47):
I think is the intentionality of it, the presence of
mind it required to carry out the infliction of pain
and intense humiliation by someone who was actually still in
their right mind enough to carry out and organized and
structured act of discipline. I don't get that part of
it either. But you said your spankings were not structured,

(12:08):
and mine weren't either, And I don't think a lot
of childhood spankings were very structured. If you watch a
spanking video that we make, they are very structured most
of the time. Everyone has their own method, but parents
back then, not many of them had a structured spanking
like mine. Was usually just grabbed by the arm and

(12:30):
spank you. But it absolutely blows my mind that there
are some parents out there that have those ritualistic spankings.
I don't know many people that had that, but I
know it has happened. Is that kind of what you
meant by what you said here.

Speaker 3 (12:48):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (12:49):
I think some kids, and I think I was one
of those kids, get kind of lost in the power
shuttle with their parents, and I think I had a
reason for that eventually. But I also am just like
a very stubborn, strong willed person.

Speaker 2 (13:04):
I've read your writings, so I know that you are
a stubborn person, So continue with what you were saying.

Speaker 1 (13:11):
Yeah, I mean when I was younger, my dad would
use intentional discipline that was more traditional, Like I spent
a lot of time standing in the corner. I spent
a lot of time writing lines, and I definitely didn't
enjoy that, but I think that was probably a positive
thing for me, and it made me closer.

Speaker 3 (13:31):
With my dad.

Speaker 1 (13:33):
I think that type of kid that I was sometimes
could use an intentional spanking from someone who is emotionally
present with them.

Speaker 3 (13:42):
But at the point in my life where I was
terrified of it, I.

Speaker 1 (13:46):
Knew I was just going to be alone with that
out of control feeling, and the intentionality would be more
about like cruelty and control.

Speaker 2 (13:53):
How was your day to day relationship with your mother Back.

Speaker 1 (13:56):
Then, I didn't see my mother very much because she
was working all the time, so she really wasn't very
involved in my life at all. At a certain point,
I felt very rejected by her.

Speaker 3 (14:11):
I think there was some jealousy there.

Speaker 1 (14:13):
I think she really cared about getting attention from other people,
and I think that I became a threat to her
getting attention, like taking away attention, and I kind of
feel like she rejected me, almost as like a rival.

Speaker 3 (14:27):
At a certain point.

Speaker 2 (14:29):
At around twelve years old, you had an interesting experience
when she spanked you for the last time. Now, before
this last spanking you got at twelve years old, were
you having these mixed feelings after previous spankings or was
it just this one at twelve years old.

Speaker 1 (14:48):
Well, I started to develop an involuntary sexual response to
just being abused at a certain point because my relationship
with my dad really deteriorated as I got older. I
had really bad add and other learning disabilities, and that
kind of destroyed that initial relationship we had where we

(15:10):
were close and he was using more like structured discipline,
and it kind of just evolved into physical and emotional violence.
I think it was almost like a stress really valid
too for other things that were going on in his life,
just like venting anger and doing whatever it would take
to see me broken, like emotionally broken.

Speaker 3 (15:30):
And when you're a kid who just don't have.

Speaker 1 (15:34):
The psychological structure to hold an experience like that, like,
there's just no way to process it. And I didn't
have access to drugs and I didn't have access to alcohol,
so I just used sexuality to make sense of it.

Speaker 3 (15:50):
But yeah, I would have a sexual.

Speaker 1 (15:52):
Response to feeling really dominated or humiliated.

Speaker 3 (15:55):
Or broken at home. And the older I got, the
stronger it got.

Speaker 1 (16:00):
So when my mom spanked me when I was little,
you know, and again it didn't happen that often, I
don't think I had.

Speaker 3 (16:05):
A sexual response, But then once.

Speaker 1 (16:06):
I was at that age, it was like every time
her hand would smack my butt, it would cause like
an instant sexual response. And people have said to me like, oh,
that means you liked it, But I feel like that's
the same thing as saying, well, because it hurt, that
means you didn't like it. It was just a reaction that
happened in my body as instantly as the pain. The

(16:27):
last time when I was twelve, I remember my mom again.
She just got mad suddenly and spanked me really hard,
and the sexual response happened, and it would last until
I couldn't feel my butt stinging anymore. And I would
always try not to think about it, the sexual response.

Speaker 3 (16:45):
I would try to pretend it wasn't happening.

Speaker 1 (16:47):
But this time I just remember like sitting there and
finally like having to acknowledge it to myself that it
was happening, and that was traumatic for me.

Speaker 2 (16:57):
I can absolutely see this happening because spanking someone that
close to the genitals obviously has a huge impact on
what we do. Some people develop differently, so I could
see where someone could go through the same exact feelings
that you were feeling back then. And it probably happens

(17:20):
to a small fraction of people, but it definitely does happen,
and I have talked to people that it's happened with.
It just wasn't like that for me back then, but
for you, it had to be very confusing.

Speaker 1 (17:34):
Just to be clear, like I didn't think spanking was sexual,
and I didn't think there's anything sexual about what my
mom did.

Speaker 3 (17:41):
It's just that it caused both a painful feeling and
a sexual feeling.

Speaker 1 (17:46):
Like you said, your anatomy down there, there's a lot
of nerves that are all connected. So I wasn't thinking
like my mom did something sexual to me. I was
just thinking I feel really dominated by her in like
the worst play possible.

Speaker 2 (18:01):
You know, now, twelve years old, though, it was kind
of a pivotal year for you when it comes to
all of this. In school, you had a very creepy
homeroom teacher. How soon into the school year did this
whole thing start with this guy?

Speaker 1 (18:17):
I can't remember how it started exactly or when he
started talking about spanking with me, but I think it started.

Speaker 3 (18:25):
With him making fun of the way I looked.

Speaker 1 (18:29):
And I remember this whole talk we had where he
asked me why I didn't dress like one of the
popular girls.

Speaker 3 (18:38):
I think he was standing at the board writing.

Speaker 1 (18:40):
Stuff and explaining to me why the way I dressed
was not good and the way this girl dressed was good,
and why did I not dress like her? And I
was so confused about why my teacher cared about stuff
like that, And I was like, I'm a child. I
don't have money, I can't go to the mall and
buy clothes for myself, like I'm only twelve, don't you
understand that?

Speaker 3 (19:01):
And he really didn't like when my nail polish was chipped.
I was confused about that.

Speaker 1 (19:05):
If ever came to class with my nail polish chipped,
he would get really upset about it. So that was
always a big theme the way I looked, and just
gradually over the year, I started to change more and
more to look the way that would not get me
yelled at by him.

Speaker 3 (19:21):
It also involved him talking about me needing to be spanked, And.

Speaker 1 (19:25):
I think it's possible that he said that the first
time because he legitimately thought that I did need to
be spanked because I am very stubborn.

Speaker 2 (19:33):
But he obviously didn't know that right when he first
met you. He didn't know you were very stubborn the
very first time, you know, you were sitting down in
this classroom. So obviously this guy was screwed up. Yes,
bus When I was younger, I also couldn't buy buy
my own clothes because I didn't have a job. I
didn't have money, and my mother bought this stupidest I

(19:54):
didn't have a pair of levies until I got a job.
I would always wear the most stupid bid no name
brand pants, which when you buy the no name brand
you basically are wearing a box because they don't fit right. Yeah,
and you know your clothes are different than the cool
kids clothes, but for a teacher to point that out,

(20:16):
it is totally ridiculous. This guy has something wrong in
his head. Did he do this to anybody else in
the class that you were in? This was just a
home room class.

Speaker 3 (20:29):
Right, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (20:31):
And you know because I had ADD and other learning disabilities,
it was a special at home run and especially back then,
it wasn't as common for girls to be diagnosed with
ADD either, So I think that was another element is
that I was often the only girl with him, or
one of the few girls in the class. I don't
remember there being other girls actually, so that could have

(20:53):
been another reason that he chose me to do this
with that year.

Speaker 2 (20:56):
So he was doing it to nobody else that you
knew about at this time. No, it doesn't mean he
never said anything to the boys about them needing a
spanking or some kind of discipline.

Speaker 1 (21:07):
No, he didn't. And he would give me detention a lot.
Again because it was special at homeroom and I had
ADD he could find anything to give me detention for,
like you know, you forgot your paper or whatever, just
add symptoms.

Speaker 3 (21:23):
He was always giving me detention.

Speaker 1 (21:25):
And there would be a couple boys in detention with
us to start, and he would talk about it in
front of them, so he was kind of pulling them
into it. He definitely liked talking about it in front
of other people. But then he would let them go
one by one until we were alone together, and then
he would really get into it.

Speaker 2 (21:41):
How did the other kids react to what he was
saying to you?

Speaker 1 (21:45):
Honestly, I didn't think about this until really recently, but
they were kind of victims too, I think, because they
were kids and they were being used by an adult
for his own sexual purposes.

Speaker 3 (21:58):
I think I was mostly trying to.

Speaker 1 (22:00):
To look at them, but from what I remember, I
think a lot of the times it would be laughing,
but I think probably in an uncomfortable way.

Speaker 2 (22:08):
I could absolutely see that, and I have to admit,
and I think a lot of people out there would
be the same way. If I'm a young guy in
school and this is the thing that consumes my mind
is spanking, spanking, spanking, I'm probably going to sit there
and not actually feel bad for what's going on because

(22:28):
this is what I'm into. But now that I'm an adult,
you could see how horrible this guy was to you,
and what was happening to you was horrible. I had
a first grade teacher, and I knew back then there
was something a little different about this first grade teacher.
It was a female, and I don't remember if it

(22:49):
was every day or if it was just Friday, but
there would be this story time and she would sit
on the bench of a piano and she would read
a story to all of a sudden, we'd all be
circled around, and a couple two lucky people would get
to go to the front of the group and polish
her shoes with a Kleenex, And if you weren't doing

(23:14):
it right, she would kind of kick you aside and
call up the other minion to polish her shoe. There
was something really wrong with this teacher and she was
a little out there. And I ran into some teachers
years later, and we'll get into this because I know

(23:35):
that you have something to tell about this guy that
happened years later. But I ran into some teachers and
I asked about this one teacher and whenever I did,
they all kind of looked at one another and said, yeah,
she was kind of forced out. And I didn't get
into it anymore, but I thought I knew in my
head why she was forced out. But there were definitely

(23:58):
some confusing things that she was implanting in some of
our heads back then. And if you were going through
this stuff, like I was going through the whole spanking thing,
So the guy that you were dealing with, he would
have been playing in my head or this woman she
wasn't really going through the stuff that was already going
through my head. I knew what she was doing was

(24:20):
a little odd, Yeah, but it wasn't grabbing my attention
like this guy would have back in the day. Yeah,
but no adult should be doing this to a child, obviously.

Speaker 3 (24:32):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (24:32):
Did anybody in your class have your back when it
came to this guy or did they just kind of
sit there and some with nervous laughter and some with
actual laughter. Did anyone speak up?

Speaker 3 (24:44):
No?

Speaker 1 (24:45):
And I don't really blame them for that, because, like
you said, you picked up on the fact that something
weird was going on with your teacher. Kids have an
intuition about that, and I think when an adult is.

Speaker 3 (24:57):
Doing that too.

Speaker 1 (24:58):
It's just scary, and even being used as a participant
or like a witness, you're really being sexually abused in
a way because you're having an adult sexuality imposed onto you. Yeah,
nobody ever stood up for me or said anything, but
I don't really blame them for that because I think
it was just too much for them to handle.

Speaker 2 (25:17):
I absolutely feel the same way. I mean, they're twelve
years old. When I was twelve years old, I was
deathly afraid of my teachers because I didn't want them
to call my house because if they call my house,
I'm in big trouble.

Speaker 4 (25:31):
Yes, please be here when the episode returns. I thought
saying please might work better than a threat. We'll see
if I was right. Welcome back to the episode.

Speaker 2 (25:46):
Now, there was a time when you were alone with
this teacher when he slipped up a little bit and
a light bulb went off in your head. Talk about that.

Speaker 1 (25:55):
I think a big part of the problem I had
the whole time and trying to process it as an
adult too, is that I didn't understand it was a
sexual thing. I just took what he said very seriously
and literally, and that's why I was so troubling and also.

Speaker 3 (26:12):
So hard for me to move on from.

Speaker 1 (26:14):
But there was one time where, for some reason, it
started with him saying, you know, you're not a bad kid.

Speaker 3 (26:22):
You're actually very respectful.

Speaker 1 (26:24):
And he had never really said nice stuff to me before,
and he was looking down at me, and he started
telling me how he would spank me if he could
have me at his house, and he said he would
take my clothes off and he would tie me to
the bed. And when he said that, it was like, Oh,
this is a sexual thing.

Speaker 3 (26:44):
You weren't supposed to say that.

Speaker 1 (26:46):
I knew that kids didn't get tied to the bed
when they got spanked for being bad.

Speaker 3 (26:50):
For some reason, I didn't wait that.

Speaker 1 (26:53):
I just put it in my mental files as like, oh,
he was talking about something sexual at one time. For
some reason, I didn't understand that it was all sexual.
Because of that.

Speaker 2 (27:02):
Do you think that he noticed that he slipped up?

Speaker 1 (27:05):
No, because I think when you're a girl and you
have those types of experiences, you learn how to play
it cool. But I think I tried very hard not
to have a reaction that showed that I understood what
he was doing.

Speaker 3 (27:15):
I think that would have made it worse.

Speaker 1 (27:16):
If I had let him know that, I knew it
was sexual at that point, so I didn't react, but
I definitely noted it, and it was just yeah, like,
let me put this in the files.

Speaker 3 (27:27):
We'll analyze this later, you know.

Speaker 2 (27:29):
So what was it that you think kept you from
telling someone about this guy at that time?

Speaker 3 (27:35):
Because I believed him.

Speaker 1 (27:37):
I really believed what he was saying that I really
needed to be spanked. And that's a big part of
why it bothered me so much, because I thought he
was right, and I didn't want anyone to find out
and actually spank me. I didn't want anyone to find
out that.

Speaker 3 (27:52):
I actually really needed a spanking.

Speaker 1 (27:55):
I definitely didn't want to tell my parents, and there
was really nobody else to tell this.

Speaker 2 (28:00):
It happened anyway. If you come in constantly and someone's
telling you something like you're stupid or you're this, or
you're this, or you're this, and you're young and impressionable
like that, you're gonna believe them. Yeah, I'm not questioning
you why you didn't tell someone, because you're young, you
don't know what's going on. You're kind of figuring it

(28:20):
out though as you go along. But at the same time,
you don't know where to turn to for help.

Speaker 1 (28:27):
Yeah, my concern was, I hope nobody finds out what
he's saying and spanks me.

Speaker 3 (28:33):
That's what I was thinking.

Speaker 2 (28:35):
If this was me back in the day and I
ran into this person somewhere down the line, I'm going
to want to give them the ass kicking of their life.
But something happened to this guy. Obviously that light bulb
that you had go off in your head back then,
you now realize that you were absolutely right what happened
to this man.

Speaker 1 (28:54):
I came to this point where I had talked through
it in therapy over and over and over again, and
I couldn't make any progress. I was just so stuck.
He had lived in my head pretty much my whole life,
and he still lives in my head almost every day
when I get dressed, his voices in my head in
some way, like what would he think about this outfit?

Speaker 3 (29:16):
What would he make fun of?

Speaker 1 (29:18):
And I finished up my call with my therapist where
I just said, like, I'm so blocked, I don't know
where to go from here. And there was this voice
in my head saying, like you have to look him
up on Facebook. And I had been hearing that little
nagging voice or intuition or whatever for a while, and
when I got off this call, the voice was so insistent, like,

(29:39):
you just have to look at his Facebook. So I did,
and I had been checking on his Facebook off and on,
and I had watched him go from being just a
teacher to a vice principal to a principal, and I
always thought, should I say something? But I was like,
what would even say. I don't even know that he
did anything wrong. Maybe he was just trying to help me.

(30:01):
There's nothing to say. But when I looked at his
Facebook again, he was working as a realtor. He wasn't
working in education anymore, and that really stood out to me.
And this voice said, okay, I look at the last
school district he worked for Type in that school district
and his name into Google. And when I did, all

(30:21):
of these articles came up about how he had done
basically the same thing to an employee of the school
when he was the principal. And it wasn't spanking with
her that it was humiliation, and it was in front
of her peers, and he was pushing her to dress
more sexy for him.

Speaker 3 (30:38):
And my memory is I would remember a.

Speaker 1 (30:40):
Creepy smile or like a certain tone of voice, and
I would always tell myself, like, those were the things
I was imagining, putting a twist on it, like a
dark twist, and those things were like mentioned in the
articles that he had made a comment to her about
how big his penis was and put his hand over
his crotch, and he's this little smile. And when I

(31:03):
saw that, my first thought was I am a normal person.
I had always thought what happened to me was something
about me, both with my parents and with this teacher,
that it said something about me and who I was.

Speaker 3 (31:15):
But when I read this, I just thought, I'm just
a normal person.

Speaker 1 (31:19):
Then I honestly wanted to jump off a bridge because
that was a lot to take in that I was
a normal person.

Speaker 3 (31:26):
This changes everything. This is gonna be really hard.

Speaker 2 (31:30):
That really does not make sense.

Speaker 1 (31:33):
I don't know why, but I have the strategy for
dealing with things well, because.

Speaker 2 (31:37):
You would think that if you found out that you
weren't a normal person, that's where you want to jump
off the bridge. Now you find out that this guy
was a dirt bag that you always knew he was,
and that everyone out there right now knows he was.
And a dirt bag doesn't become less of a dirtbag.
Usually they become more of a dirtbag because they keep
getting away with it. And then you find out that

(31:58):
you were absolutely right and you're the normal person. In
your first reaction is you want to jump off a bridge.

Speaker 1 (32:04):
Yeah, because I think it was like, wait a minute,
this is sad. Actually you are normal and really sad
things happened to you and maybe you didn't deserve them.
Maybe you're going to have to be sad about it now.
Maybe you're going to have to be angry. That's going
to be really uncomfortable. This is something like we haven't
done before.

Speaker 2 (32:24):
You know, you definitely didn't deserve what happened to you.
You obviously know that.

Speaker 3 (32:29):
Well.

Speaker 1 (32:30):
I found that out for the first time really when
I saw the articles, and then there was just this
straight line through to my parents, like wait a minute,
this guy was a predator and my parents let me spend.

Speaker 3 (32:41):
All this time with him alone.

Speaker 1 (32:43):
Why would they let a man in his mid thirties
spend so many hours alone with their twelve year old daughter.

Speaker 3 (32:49):
I think maybe something was wrong with them too.

Speaker 1 (32:53):
And that's really the first time, I understood what abuse
was when you have something going on with you that
causes you to hurt someone and leave them alone with it.

Speaker 2 (33:03):
But they obviously didn't know what this guy was doing,
because if they did, no matter what kind of relationship
you have. Let's just use for instance, I don't get
along with one of my brothers, but no one else
can bad mouth my brother. So if your father finds
out that this guy is doing something to his daughter,
he might have something to say about that. They didn't

(33:24):
know what was going on in school with this guy,
so they're just trusting him as a teacher. So when
you're doing all these detentions, they probably just thought that
you were misbehaving in school.

Speaker 1 (33:37):
Yeah, I mean that's kind of the thing. They had
this delusion that I was so bad.

Speaker 3 (33:43):
They knew I had.

Speaker 1 (33:44):
Add but for some reason, they preferred to think of
it as like me being bad. The reason you're not
doing alone in school is because you're not trying. You're
so smart. If you just tried harder, you wouldn't have
any problems. So the fact that this teacher was saying, like,
your daughter's so bad that I have to spend all
this time with her alone in detention. That should have

(34:05):
raised some red flags, but my dad was happy, I
think to have his delusion confirmed that I was just
so unusually bad.

Speaker 2 (34:14):
I know that in your head, you're probably thinking a
little differently, but you have to know that what this
guy did was wrong, and nothing you did back then
was wrong. I mean, you are not at fault. I
know that it's tough for me to say, get this
guy out of your head because he drilled this into you. Yeah,
but I'm not a doctor, I'm not a therapist. I'm

(34:35):
nothing like that. But this guy was a He needed
a lot of help, and you probably did at the
same time too, but you needed different help than him.
He needed that ass kicking and some help. But it
was totally wrong what he did. I would say that
you should not feel that way, but you're going to
feel the way that you feel, and no one can

(34:58):
tell you how you should feel. Yeah, and I'm sure
on fet life people do all the time, because on
fet life everyone wants to tell you what they think,
and they are always right. I realize I'm not right.
I realize that you're going to have your thoughts in
your head the way you do, and I can't control
those but I'm telling you right now that you were

(35:19):
definitely not at fault back then. Now, at fourteen, you
had another incident, and this just blows my mind. You
call this guy your bully crush, so I'm thinking that
you had a crush on this guy and at the
same time he kind of pushed you around a little bit.
This is fourteen years old. You're still going through this

(35:42):
confusing time. How did this whole thing go down? Was
he one of the people in this home room that
you had no.

Speaker 1 (35:49):
And that's what is so weird about this situation. But
this person actually showed up in my life when I
was twelve. I haven't talked a lot about him writing
at that. I need to because he's a really important
piece of the puzzle and how I knew to call
myself an emotional masochist in the first place.

Speaker 3 (36:09):
He didn't go to my school, he didn't live in
my town.

Speaker 1 (36:13):
He just showed up after school one day and he
knew my name and he followed me home, I think,
for part of the way, and he just teased me
a lot in a really funny way. And I kind
of like when somebody teases in a way that's fun
for me too, and he just really made me laugh
with the way he teased me, and I just thought

(36:33):
he was kind of a really fun, normal boy.

Speaker 2 (36:36):
Well, you obviously know that he liked you, because that's
what we did when we were younger. We liked someone.
We didn't know what to do back then, so when
we liked someone, we would just tease them when all
we really had to do was talk to them. Yes,
were you guys the same age?

Speaker 1 (36:51):
Maybe a year older than me, but generally the same age.
I later found out that the way he knew who
I was is that he was skipping school, being driven
around in a pickup truck by one of his mom's friends,
and he and his friend were throwing water balloons filled
with he at other.

Speaker 3 (37:07):
Kids from the truck.

Speaker 1 (37:09):
Gross and he's, yeah, it is gross, And he threw one,
apparently at my friend, who he knew, and I was
standing next to her. I don't remember this. This is
what he said, and he said he thought was really pretty.
So he asked her later what my name was, and
that's how he ended up there after school one day,
knowing my name and wanting to follow me home. But

(37:29):
I didn't know any of this. Then he seemed like
a very magical being. It would just show up sometimes. Anyways,
one day we were standing in front of a group
of kids outside of a comic bookstore near the school,
and he was smoking a cigarette.

Speaker 3 (37:43):
And he grabbed my hand.

Speaker 1 (37:46):
He turned it over and he put his cigarette out
on my wrist in front of everyone.

Speaker 2 (37:51):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (37:52):
I was really shocked by that. Didn't see it coming.
But I looked up into his eyes and he was
all there. He wasn't angry, he didn't have that look
that teacher had, like that lust look. He just looked
calm and like happy. He was watching me in my reaction,
and he liked my surprise. He was just all there
with me. And I'd never seen that before. I'd never

(38:15):
experienced that someone could hurt you and stay with you
while they do it. And I felt probably more connected
with him than I had ever felt to anyone.

Speaker 3 (38:23):
In my whole life. I didn't know that I liked
the burn.

Speaker 1 (38:27):
I just knew that I really liked him, and I
really liked seeing the burn afterwards because it reminded me
of feeling connected to someone.

Speaker 3 (38:34):
So that kind of just became a thing.

Speaker 1 (38:36):
He would just be there after school sometimes he would
kind of kidnap me.

Speaker 3 (38:40):
This was a very dysfunctional group of kids. One of
his friends.

Speaker 1 (38:44):
His mom was like a drug addict, so there was
no supervision at his house. So he would take me
to this kid's house and kind of like torture me there.
And again I didn't know that I liked the torture part.
I just knew that I really liked him. But one
time he told me he was going to spank me,
and he told me to pull my pants down, and
I've freaked out.

Speaker 3 (39:05):
I was like, you can't do that to me.

Speaker 1 (39:07):
I just begged him not to, and he actually cared
and he didn't do it.

Speaker 3 (39:12):
That also meant a lot to me.

Speaker 2 (39:14):
But you're also going through at this same time, this
teacher who's telling you that you constantly need to be spanked. Yes,
so this guy is putting it into your head that
you need to be spanked. And here comes this guy
out of nowhere. Never mentions it before, no kid has
ever mentioned it before to you, And this guy is
telling you that you need to be spanked, and I'm

(39:35):
going to give it to you right now.

Speaker 1 (39:37):
Yes, I have said, like in my adult life multiple
times that like everyone wants to spank me and I
don't think we talked about the fact that this teacher
he also convinced my dad that I needed to be spanked,
So it's also something my dad started talking about at
that time too, So it was like coming from school

(39:58):
home friends. Yeah, it felt like everyone wanted to spank me.
It felt like the universe had a sign over my
head that said, I really need a spanking. And it
was a lot for me. It still is a lot
for me.

Speaker 2 (40:10):
When I was younger and I would get spanked, I
thought there was a sign pointing to my butt no
matter where I walked around, I thought everyone could tell
that I got a spanking. You're being gaslighted by this
teacher telling you you need a spanking, and obviously, if
he tells you this all the time, you're going to
start believing him. And I saw in your writings and

(40:32):
you kind of just touched on it now that he
would call your father pretty regularly and do the same
thing to him. Probably worked it in a little differently
because he's an adult, but worked into him that Leah
needs a spanking.

Speaker 1 (40:46):
Yes, Yeah, he really wanted me to have to talk
about it in class.

Speaker 3 (40:50):
That was his goal.

Speaker 1 (40:52):
He would always follow up, like I called your parents
last night, did you get spanked? Or he would just
make it seem like I had. That was definitely what
he was going for. Is just more like material to
work with.

Speaker 2 (41:04):
And you said that your relationship with your father was
decent for a while, right.

Speaker 3 (41:10):
Yeah, we were closed probably up until I was eight.

Speaker 2 (41:13):
You have these questions. I'm not sure if it's your
first post or your last post, but you had a
bunch of questions pretty much has questions about life that
you've gone through. And there's this one specific one about
your father. You mention something about should you travel back
in time and ask your father to spank you? What

(41:33):
is that all about?

Speaker 1 (41:34):
When my dad started talking about it too, and I
didn't really connect the dots until I was an adult,
Like why he started talking about this at this specific.

Speaker 3 (41:44):
Point in time. I just didn't connect to the fact
that he.

Speaker 1 (41:46):
Was using the same language about spanking that the teacher used.
That kind of was part of the like is the
universe doing this to me? Way of thinking about it,
And I didn't realize it must have just been literally
from these phone.

Speaker 3 (41:57):
Conversations they would have.

Speaker 1 (41:58):
He started talking about how I really needed a long,
hard spanking to make me do better in school, and
I just understood, like, if that's the thing you have
to do to avoid it, it's going to happen. Because
I had add I knew I couldn't do any better
than I was already doing. So knowing that I had
a sexual reaction to spanking that was involuntary. You know,

(42:19):
my mom wouldn't spank me for a long time. She
would just make me really hard a couple times. So
the fact that he was threatening to give me a
really long spanking or I felt that.

Speaker 3 (42:29):
Was going to have an orgasm if he did it.

Speaker 1 (42:32):
And I kind of made a decision to burn my
life to the ground at this point, when like I
felt that much pressure bearing down on me. I had
been acting out before then, but I started to really
act out, like running away from home to this kid,
my bully crush.

Speaker 3 (42:47):
I ate a lot of cough medicine to get high.

Speaker 1 (42:50):
I think I was literally just trying to send a
message like look how old I am. I'm too old
to be spanked. You can't spank me. That trans left
the station. I started acting out really intensely, and like
I said, I ended up in this long term program
as a result when I was fourteen. But yeah, that question,
should I travel back in time and ask for it?

(43:10):
It's just like a what if? What if you hadn't
run away from it? Then what would have happened? Would
that have been better?

Speaker 3 (43:16):
Somehow?

Speaker 2 (43:17):
This guy obviously was grooming you and grooming your father
at the same time. Because who talks like that, A
long hard spanking? You know who talks like that? A
spanko talks like that. Yeah, it's a total different world
that we live in. Our spankings are very ritualistic, very

(43:37):
long way different than a parental spanking. But this guy
was talking about spankings like we talk about spankings. Yeah,
but he was doing it with someone who was young
and impressionable and probably, like I said, approached it a
different way with your father. And here's your father now
being ghastly into thinking that you don't just need a spanking,

(44:00):
you need a long, hard spanking. And now he's even
saying it.

Speaker 3 (44:04):
Yeah exactly.

Speaker 1 (44:05):
And I didn't intellectually know this, but I think I
could feel that it was like a sexual abuse thing,
and there was this weird triangle that had been formed
between him and my dad and me as the weak point.
I didn't know the words for it, but like I said,
kids can feel when something's wrong like that, and I.

Speaker 3 (44:24):
Could just feel how wrong the situation was.

Speaker 2 (44:27):
So now you start acting out and you end up
in one of these long term placement programs. What happened there?
That was between fourteen and eighteen.

Speaker 1 (44:36):
Yeah, that was a really good thing for me. Once
I got into that program. There were clear rules, and
there were clear consequences for breaking the rules, and there
were clear rewards by following the rules. It was so nice.
I was so happy. So I really was like a
perfect angel from fourteen to eighteen.

Speaker 2 (44:54):
But in his placement program there's no talk of spanking.
Does this not even loss your mind for the next
four years, Like it's total different situation than what you've
been living in for pretty much your whole life.

Speaker 1 (45:07):
Yeah, I was just really happy I had a normal life.

Speaker 3 (45:11):
I mean, it wasn't really normal, but it was pretty normal.

Speaker 1 (45:13):
Like I went to school, I was safe, nobody was
screaming at me, nobody was picking me up and throwing
against a wall. It was just very calm, and I
really enjoyed that. I did still talk to my bully
crush on the phone and I definitely knew that I
was a masochist, and I would talk about that sometimes
with people, but it was a pretty peaceful time in
my life.

Speaker 2 (45:34):
So now you're realizing that this humiliation thing obviously is
a part of your sexuality. Yeah, where when you're younger
and you're not exposed to this stuff, or you are
exposed to it but not sexually as far as you know,
it's very confusing. But now that you're getting older, you're
becoming more aware and understanding about what's going on in

(45:54):
your head when it comes to all of this.

Speaker 4 (45:57):
Yeah, if you move one muscle during this break, I
am going to whoop.

Speaker 3 (46:02):
Some ass there.

Speaker 4 (46:04):
That felt much better. Enjoy the rest of the episode.

Speaker 2 (46:11):
Now, Yes, you had a more relaxing time in your
life from fourteen to eighteen when you got released from
this program. But then, of course something beautiful happened to you.
Shortly after being released from this program. You met mister
Krack with three RS and you guys are both eighteen

(46:32):
years old, and you met him at a football game.
I know this. I read everything about you. You met
him at a football game. And here's the part that
disturbs me most about mister Crack. You met him while
he was walking around drinking Natty Light. Yeah, Natty Light,
that is the beer of many jokes from back in

(46:54):
my day. Yes, so you met this guy, and even
after seeing him drinking natural light, and he gave you
a natural light because you asked for one, you still
wanted to get to know this man, even after seeing this.

Speaker 1 (47:08):
So yes, I just think it's funny because he told
me he spent the last money in his bank account
to buy that twenty four pack of Natty Light, and
that's the way I found him.

Speaker 3 (47:20):
It seems like very divinely ordained to me.

Speaker 2 (47:23):
Natural light was very inexpensive. It was kind of the
black Label of my day, where you can get a
case of black Label for the price of a six
pack of Budweiser.

Speaker 3 (47:32):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (47:33):
Anyway, so Crack with three rs. Is he an emotional sadist?

Speaker 1 (47:38):
Yes, And I didn't understand that honestly until this year,
I think, because I think it's even harder to say,
especially to your apparently vanilla life, I like hurting you.
It's hard to say to yourself. It's a lot harder
to say than I like being hurt. So I did
ask him to spank me, and we have different versions

(48:01):
of how this went down. He says that I said
you could spank me if you wanted to. I don't
remember that, but it's possible that's how it happened. But
I definitely was still thinking, like, if someone just spanked me,
my add would go away, my soul would be healed.

Speaker 3 (48:18):
It's going to fix me.

Speaker 1 (48:19):
And now I'm finally with this safe person, so it's
going to make everything better.

Speaker 3 (48:24):
So he did spank me in the beginning.

Speaker 1 (48:26):
Of our relationship for a couple of years, and I
really hated it. It hurt a lot, and it did
not heal my soul. It didn't solve all my problems.
That was very disappointing. But I did notice that he
seemed to be enjoying my pain at times. I didn't
understand what that was, and it just scared me and

(48:48):
I didn't know how to talk about feelings like that. Again,
like I just kind of put it in my files,
you know, like I did with that teacher, Like he
seems to be enjoying this. What does that mean? Well, well,
i'll analyze this later alone.

Speaker 2 (49:02):
Didn't you guys talk about anything though, Like I know
you probably talked about your experiences but did you tell
him at the time about this teacher and how you
feel that you need a spanking.

Speaker 3 (49:13):
I don't know that I told him about the teacher.

Speaker 1 (49:16):
That was really hard for me to talk about, and
I don't think I started talking about it until I
went to therapy, but I definitely did tell him I
felt like I needed or deserved to be spanked.

Speaker 2 (49:27):
Well, because this guy beat it into your head. And
even after being away for four years, having this better
life that you kind of enjoyed, you were happy, you
still in the back of your head probably thought this
guy's right, I need a spanking, but you're not getting
this spanking. But at the same time, you're happy, and
you're probably not putting two and two together thinking, well,

(49:47):
I'm happy now, I don't need a spanking.

Speaker 1 (49:50):
Yeah, I think I was consciously thinking about him. I
don't think I was willing to talk about it with anyone,
but I definitely was consciously thinking about him in those conversations.
And I think when you're abused, you miss out on
a lot of discipline, and I think I did genuinely
miss out on a lot of discipline later in my childhood, So.

Speaker 3 (50:08):
I did have like a lot of issues to work through.

Speaker 1 (50:11):
So it definitely seemed to me and to him that
I needed to be spanked. It's just that it didn't
really work. It's not the pain that works. It's a
connection that you can make because of the pain.

Speaker 2 (50:22):
And now you're getting spanked by your boyfriend kind of regularly,
and you're thinking this is going to make everything okay,
but it's not making everything okay. Yeah, and something happened
where you totally cold turkey said no more spanking.

Speaker 3 (50:38):
Right yeah.

Speaker 1 (50:39):
And I don't remember how I completely worked that out,
but at a certain point I also became a Christian,
and that was another way for me to kind of
figure out how to be a normal person. Here's a
community where I can have really close relationships, and they're
going to give me the rules for how to pretend
to be a normal person. And if I can just

(50:59):
follow the rules, I'm going to be able to figure
this out and be accepted by other people. So I
think with that, a lot of things just changed in
a relationship and I stopped getting expect at least as.

Speaker 3 (51:09):
Much as I had been.

Speaker 2 (51:11):
How did he take that.

Speaker 1 (51:12):
I really don't remember that conversation or even if it
was a conversation because I did not want to talk
about spanking with him at all. It was really hard
for me. I avoid vulnerability. The last thing I want
in a power struggle situation is for the person in
power struggling. I went to find out that they won,
so I really didn't tell him how much I hated

(51:33):
it until long after it was over again, like when
I went to therapy.

Speaker 2 (51:37):
I'm definitely going to go through therapy in a second.
But I have one more question about this husband of yours.
And you guys have been married for what you said
twenty two when you got married, Yeah, and you've been
together since you were eighteen years old when you saw
his beautiful face drinking. This is the part I don't
understand natural light. But since then, you guys have been together,

(51:58):
you're happy, you love this guy. When did it all
happen that you reintroduce spanking back into your relationship and
why did it happen?

Speaker 1 (52:08):
We did eventually talk about how much it had hurt
me and how much I hated it, and we had
gone through all of that together, and he kind of
brought it up in little ways over the years. He
wouldn't push it, but he would definitely check the situation.

Speaker 3 (52:22):
It hurt me even to think about it.

Speaker 1 (52:24):
Really, like I didn't even want to remember that stuff.
I tried to put it out of my head, and
then we got into a fight. My life was just
not working for me at this point. I was really
stressed and overwhelmed, and I knew we weren't as close
as we should be, and I knew he wasn't happy
with me necessarily.

Speaker 3 (52:46):
And I was worried about that.

Speaker 1 (52:47):
But I didn't really know what to do, and we
got into a fight, and I was being really mature.
I was just saying like a lot of reasons that
I was mad, but what I was really trying to
say is like I really need you right now. I
couldn't say that because I'd be too vulnerable, and he
was basically like, I don't think this conversation is going
anywhere right now, Like I'm going to bed, And I

(53:09):
was lying in bed, and I was so mad at
him that I felt like my skin was on fire
and my heart was pounding, and my chest was tight,
my stomach hurt, and this voice just came into my
head that said, you need to say to him, I
need you to give me a long hard spanking so
that I can learn to surrender and stop persisting you.

Speaker 3 (53:30):
It really just came out of nowhere.

Speaker 1 (53:32):
But when I heard that voice, I knew for a
fact it was the right thing to do. And I
was like, that is also going to be the hardest
thing in the world, Like, can I really make.

Speaker 3 (53:42):
Myself say that to him right now?

Speaker 1 (53:43):
So it took me until four thirty in the morning,
but I did wake him up and I did say
it to him, and he just looked at me like okay,
and then he went back to sleep. And in the
morning I couldn't even look at him, and he was like,
I have to confirm that that wasn't a dream said
to me last night.

Speaker 3 (54:02):
I was like, no, it's not a dream. But yeah,
I think what happened is.

Speaker 1 (54:07):
Just that I'm trying to pretend like my whole life
history and all my trauma didn't exist, and I was
a normal personally pretending it instead of knowing it. I
think that just collapsed on me eventually at that moment.

Speaker 2 (54:20):
But at twenty four years old, you decide that you
need to go see a therapist, and I think that
with Kinks, especially at that time. Now, I think they're
a little more knowledgeable, especially the people who delve in
that area about kinks and what we go through. But
I think that back then they really felt everything that

(54:42):
we would tell them is wrong. And I know that
you went through a similar experience what happened with you
with therapy.

Speaker 1 (54:49):
When I was yeah about plenty their twenty four, one
of my friends was like, you're really neurotic, and I
think you need to go to therapy. So she brought
me to this therapist and he was not a great therapist.
It was a good thing, I guess, because I got
me talking about stuff. I got me more comfortable talking
about stuff, But he was very controlling. I think he

(55:11):
was probably more wanting to be a mentor to people
than do actual psychotherapy with them. So I did talk
through everything that happened, which I had never done before,
really didn't want to do. I just wanted to pretend
like I had just been born that year and like
my life history had never happened.

Speaker 3 (55:29):
And he was kind of like, no, you actually have
to talk about it.

Speaker 1 (55:31):
So I did, and we even brought my husband in
and I told him how I felt about spanking and
how it had really hurt me. And once we had
cleared the air. I had a similar thing happened where
I had a dream that my husband was spanking me.
And again, like it was the same thing where I
knew I was supposed to let him spank me. But
when I told this therapist, when I asked him if

(55:53):
that was okay, first, he told me just wait six months,
then we'll talk about it.

Speaker 3 (55:56):
So I waited six.

Speaker 1 (55:57):
Months, and then I came back and asked him, Okay,
I waited for this period of time, can I do
it now.

Speaker 3 (56:01):
That's when he said, no, you can never do it.

Speaker 1 (56:03):
And I think the way he was thinking about it
is like you're trying to go back and like have
a father again. But you're an adult now, this isn't
your father, this is your husband.

Speaker 3 (56:12):
Just get over it. I think it was just his
personal opinion.

Speaker 1 (56:16):
I didn't really understand that, like I had a right
to make my own decisions.

Speaker 3 (56:19):
Well.

Speaker 2 (56:19):
I think that if you went to a therapist nowadays,
especially someone who specializes in that area, they're going to
tell you a total different story because they're going to
help you separate in your head what happened in your
past to what's going on now. Yes, what is your relationship?
With your family now.

Speaker 1 (56:37):
I see my parents multiple times a week, and I
guess you could say that I'm close with him. I've
never talked with my dad about the past because I
don't think he's really consciously aware of it most of
the time.

Speaker 3 (56:50):
I think it's something he walks out.

Speaker 1 (56:51):
And I do think he really loves me, and I
think if he knew how badly he hurt me, I
don't think he'd.

Speaker 3 (56:56):
Be able to handle it, and I don't want to
do that time. I don't want to harm him. And
you talk to my mom.

Speaker 1 (57:02):
About it, and she's quite honest about it. She doesn't
deny it, she doesn't try to cover it up.

Speaker 3 (57:10):
She's just a little detached about it. Really.

Speaker 1 (57:13):
I think she's concerned about the ways that I struggle
now as an adult, and I think she wants to help.

Speaker 3 (57:17):
But I don't think she totally understands what's normal either.

Speaker 2 (57:21):
My father has told my mother in private, because my
mother has told me that he wishes that he had
a better relationship with all of us, me and my brothers,
because when we were growing up, he wasn't around as much.
He was a little bit mean, kind of a little
bit of a dick, and nowadays he just wishes he
was a little closer to us. But I just don't

(57:44):
think he knows how to do it. Yeah, I get
alone with my parents very well. They drive me a
little crazy, but we don't have this father son relationship
like I see other of my friends that have with
their kids. Like when I was in a fire department,
these kids would come in they were happy to see
their father. Their father was happy to see them. Where

(58:05):
when I would walk into the fire department, it was like, yes,
you're my son. I acknowledge that, and that's about it.
You also sit in your profile. Now we're winding down here,
so don't think this is going to go out for
hours and hours. I'm going to let you off the
hook very soon. But you said that I think spanking

(58:26):
is very interesting, very scary, and very important. What did
you mean by that?

Speaker 1 (58:32):
I guess what I'm trying to say there is I
don't think it's a fun game. I think that's the
thing that I sort of don't understand about this bango
way of looking.

Speaker 2 (58:42):
Hey hey, hey, you watch what you say here a
young lady.

Speaker 3 (58:48):
I don't think it's fun at all.

Speaker 1 (58:52):
I think it really hurts, and I take it very seriously.
I really still think about spanking the landed when I
was twelve. This is like a serious punishment. It's something
you don't want to have happen. But at the same time,
it does work for me in a way that I
wasn't expecting. When I asked my husband to spank me again,
I think I was just trying to offer him like

(59:13):
some kind of emotional cookie, like I'm willing to make
a sacrifice to.

Speaker 3 (59:17):
Be close with you.

Speaker 1 (59:18):
I really really love you, and I want to be
close with you right now, and like I'm willing to
do anything.

Speaker 3 (59:23):
I think that's what I thought I was saying.

Speaker 1 (59:25):
I definitely didn't think I was gonna get spanked again regularly,
and I also didn't think it was going to work
for me, But then it did, And I think it's
a really powerful tool when the right pieces are in place,
like a connection with someone, especially if you're like me
and you want to run away from vulnerability. It's like
medicine to a person like that, You're kind of having
no choice but to be vulnerable and open. That's what

(59:47):
I mean when I say that.

Speaker 2 (59:49):
I think that being a spanko, there are so many
different aspects, and some of those aspects are exactly what
you just described. But I think if you're a true
spank deep down inside, spanking is how shall I say
fun or for me, it's fun. Yes, they're going to
sting a little, but they don't necessarily have to. I

(01:00:12):
can just sit there and play Patty Cake with your
butt and give it a nice massage, and I'm still
a spanko. And then there's other people who are hard
core where this has to hurt, this has to leave bruises,
and they're still spankos. You can never pigeonhole spancos, just
like you can never pigeonhole any sadist or massochists, because yes,

(01:00:36):
everyone is so different. You can call yourself whatever you want.
I don't care. You don't want to be a spanko.
You do not have to be called a spanko. And
you can enjoy your life the way you're enjoying your life.
So anyone who tries to say no, you're definitely a
spanco who cares. It's none of their business what you're

(01:00:56):
going through. Although you're telling your story out by podcast
right now and I definitely appreciate it, but don't let
these people on fet life or whatever bother you try
to convince you that you're a spanko.

Speaker 1 (01:01:08):
Yeah, and that's what I've realized. I was thinking, Okay,
this is black and white. Being as banko is one thing.
It means you feel this way. I'm not that I
feel this way. And I even had a little project
where I interviewed people who identify as bangos and got
them to just tell me about their feelings. And that
was really interesting for me because that's when I kind

(01:01:30):
of realized everybody means something different by this, and you
could just as easily call yourself a spanko if you wanted.

Speaker 3 (01:01:36):
To, because it's an interesting subject to me, it's like
a big part of my life.

Speaker 1 (01:01:40):
But I guess the reason at this point that I
don't is just that it's really important to me just
to be able to be completely honest about how I
feel about it and not have anyone to make assumptions
about my feelings.

Speaker 3 (01:01:51):
I just want to make my own relationship with the spanking.

Speaker 2 (01:01:54):
You know, you identify however you want to identify, and
I want to say, in joy whatever you're doing, of course,
but with you, spanking is more for discipline, but at
the same time. You enjoy the humiliation of the whole
spanking and being humble what you've mentioned in your profile.

Speaker 3 (01:02:14):
Yeah, I enjoy the emotional intimacy of it.

Speaker 2 (01:02:17):
Do your close friends know anything about you being spanked
as an adult?

Speaker 1 (01:02:21):
Yes, Actually I have told two close friends. One of
them just said that I'm like a weird sex freak.

Speaker 2 (01:02:29):
We all are, and.

Speaker 3 (01:02:32):
I was like, I am not, but I don't know.
That's just the way she is.

Speaker 1 (01:02:36):
So I wasn't really expecting a lot of deep understanding.
But I told one of my really old friends from
church going way back, someone who's known me for a
really long time, has known my husband for a really
long time.

Speaker 3 (01:02:48):
And that was quite an emotional ordeal.

Speaker 1 (01:02:51):
I wrote out I think thirty to forty pages of.

Speaker 3 (01:02:55):
Google documents going through like.

Speaker 1 (01:02:57):
My early life, my teen year, my early marriage, my issues,
like all the way up until the present. I left
him hanging at a certain point where I just told
him a little bit about spanking, and I didn't explain
the emotional benefits, and he was like really alarmed.

Speaker 3 (01:03:16):
And worried about me.

Speaker 1 (01:03:17):
And then when I got to the last part and
I just explained how it had changed me and even
like changed my relationship with God and my relationship with
other people. And I've been apologized to him for the
way I'd been asshole to him for like so many years.
And once he read the last part, he just sent
me a text message that was like, I get this.

Speaker 3 (01:03:36):
I don't think this is crazy. Makes sense to me.

Speaker 1 (01:03:38):
I love you when I'm here for you, and I
think you've changed in some really powerful ways. And that
meant a lot to me to be understood by like
someone from my vanilla life like that.

Speaker 2 (01:03:47):
A lot of people don't understand and I could see
yours is totally different than anyone I've talked to so far.
But you've been getting these spankings now for how long.

Speaker 3 (01:03:58):
Again, I think at least six months? Now?

Speaker 2 (01:04:01):
What does it make you feel like now when you
know you're going to get a spanking, When you're getting
a spanking, and after you get a spanking, what is
going through your mind?

Speaker 1 (01:04:11):
It's kind of strange because I forget how much it
hurts right up until it's about to happen. Part of
why it's so good for me is I kind of
lose touch with the fact that I have a body.

Speaker 3 (01:04:22):
I kind of like.

Speaker 1 (01:04:22):
Float away a little bit, you know, like get in
my head. So when I'm actually like in the moment
and it's about to happen, I'm like, oh.

Speaker 3 (01:04:29):
No, I forgot.

Speaker 1 (01:04:31):
This really hurts, and I guess when I'm getting spanked.
Now it's been really good for me, because at first
the pain was just too scary for me, and I
was pretty sure it was going to kill me. I
was pretty sure it was just going to hurt more
and more until it sucked me in forever somehow.

Speaker 3 (01:04:50):
But now I've gotten a lot more comfortable with.

Speaker 1 (01:04:52):
Pain and feeling uncomfortable in general, like not just with
the pain, but with the vulnerability being in that position
with my husband. It's not as bad as it was initially.
And I don't mean bad, I just mean intense. I
guess it just helps me stop hiding for a little
bit and just really get vulnerable.

Speaker 3 (01:05:13):
And stop making excuses.

Speaker 1 (01:05:15):
I think, so I just start to think about things
like in a much more like sober way when I'm
getting spanked.

Speaker 2 (01:05:22):
Do you get to say in your spanking? How does
this all go about?

Speaker 1 (01:05:26):
Usually I'll give me some morning ahead of time, unless
it's an emergency situation. He sent me a text message
a couple of weeks ago and said, I love you,
but I need to spank you tomorrow. It's funny how
I can just tell what I need to spanking now
because I just get a little bit. You could just say, Braddy,
I'm a little bit less present, a little bit less vulnerable,

(01:05:48):
and I'm thinking like a little bit less clearly about things.

Speaker 3 (01:05:51):
So yeah, he tells me like at least a couple
hours before, and then however it's going to be. I
found out in the moment.

Speaker 2 (01:05:57):
Did you recently get a semi public spanking witnessed by
some fet life users? I saw a picture and some
comments below. What happened with that?

Speaker 1 (01:06:07):
That was the resolution of my little battle with the
spanco community.

Speaker 3 (01:06:13):
Someone on here is genuinely really kind to me and reached.

Speaker 1 (01:06:15):
Out to me and tried to talk to me about
having a spanking fetish, which is fine, but it just
made me really angry because I felt like spanking was
being imposed on me in a new way. It's been
imposed all these different ways, and now people are coming
and telling me that I have to say that I
like it and like I'm going to join this community
over it, and that made me really mad. So I

(01:06:37):
might not have been a good listener with some of
those people.

Speaker 3 (01:06:41):
And eventually someone.

Speaker 1 (01:06:42):
Else told me, I'm kind of mad at you because
you're kind of being a jerk about this. You're diminishing
the emotional significance of having a spanking fetish. You're making
it seem like having trauma is so like emotionally significant,
and having a fetish is like not significant at all,
but it's really significant to me. And she explain the
ways of a significant and they totally connected with what

(01:07:03):
she told me, and I was like, oh, that does
sound really important and significant, And maybe I was.

Speaker 3 (01:07:09):
A little bit of a jerk to you.

Speaker 1 (01:07:11):
She's a sweet girl, and I could tell that it
was hard for her to express her anger, that she's
a little feisty, and I liked that.

Speaker 3 (01:07:17):
But I asked her if.

Speaker 1 (01:07:19):
She wanted to watch me it's banked. I was like,
I'm sorry, do you want to watch me it's banked?
You can even pick how it is since you love
all these little details.

Speaker 3 (01:07:27):
And she was too shy. She was like, I have
social anxiety. I don't think I can do that. I
apologize to a bunch of people who I've done this too.

Speaker 1 (01:07:34):
So then this other person this person said, I accept
your apology, but you definitely deserve to be spanked for
the way you acted.

Speaker 3 (01:07:40):
So I was like, oh, okay, you can watch if.

Speaker 1 (01:07:42):
You want, and he was like yes, me and my
wife Lid both like to watch. That makes it even worse,
but that's perfect because I am an emotional masochist. I
have let four people watch me get spanked over zoom
at this point, that's probably the most spanco thing about me.
So I don't know if it necessarily is related to spanking,

(01:08:02):
or if it's that same thing where my bully put
out his cigarette on the in front of a group
of kids, and it meant so much to me for
some reason, Like I think having people watched allows you
to make a really intense emotional connection with the person
watching them, with yourself and also with the person spanking you,
and that is a lot of emotional food to me.

Speaker 3 (01:08:21):
So yeah, I let.

Speaker 1 (01:08:22):
These people watch me get spanked for being so mean
to them.

Speaker 3 (01:08:28):
Those are really good thing.

Speaker 1 (01:08:29):
Afterwards, they were really nice about it. I didn't feel
guilty anymore. I felt like I can let this whole
few to have with the spankos.

Speaker 3 (01:08:37):
I can just let go. I was being a drink
about it.

Speaker 2 (01:08:40):
I don't understand other people's fetishes, but you know I
don't care, So don't think I need a spanking for
what I'm about to say. So I don't care what
anyone does. No one's going to convince me that I
like to cause pain, because I know I don't. I
am not a person who needs to cause pain to
make this thing work for me. But I'm a spanko.

(01:09:01):
I'm not a hardcore spanko, but I am a diehard
spanco and someone who isn't is probably gonna call me
a weirdo, which is totally fine. So you know, you
take this whole thing differently. You don't consider yourself a spanko.
You're in the humiliation, you're into other things, so no
one can tell you what you're doing is wrong. And

(01:09:23):
I'm glad you did get that spanking because you can't
tell us what we're doing is wrong.

Speaker 1 (01:09:29):
Yes, I was judgmental, and I wasn't a good listener. Yeah,
I wanted people to respect my feelings and my thing
for what it is, but I wasn't offering the same
respect to people who call themselves spankos.

Speaker 3 (01:09:42):
So to all the spankos, I am sorry for that.

Speaker 2 (01:09:45):
Well, it was very admirable of you to accept the
punishment that we all would have probably loved to see. Yeah,
I have one last question for you, Okay, probably one
of the most important that you you could possibly answer.
You ready, I'm ready. It's ten years into the future

(01:10:06):
and you get arrested because you were falsely accused of
being a spanco and in the future, being a spankle
is against the law and punishable by death.

Speaker 3 (01:10:19):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (01:10:19):
You hired a bad lawyer. You exhausted all of your appeals,
and your end is drawing near. You're on death row.
What is your last meal?

Speaker 3 (01:10:30):
Spicy chicken sandwich from Chick fil A?

Speaker 2 (01:10:34):
I have a Chick fil A right down the road
for me. If you ever are in town, you stop by,
we will go right to Chick fil A get you
that spicy chicken sandwich.

Speaker 3 (01:10:43):
Nice.

Speaker 2 (01:10:44):
Well, Leah. I enjoyed you as a guest. You were
very open, very honest, very vulnerable. Obviously, I'm so sorry
for everything that happen to you in your past. This
teacher was an absolute dick and deserved everything that happened
to him, and probably more. But I appreciate you coming
on here and telling your story. Is there anything you

(01:11:05):
want to say? In closing?

Speaker 3 (01:11:07):
Thank you for having me on.

Speaker 1 (01:11:08):
I know this is a risk for you too, and
I appreciate the chance to talk about this and be
heard and share my feelings.

Speaker 3 (01:11:14):
So thank you so much.

Speaker 1 (01:11:16):
I welcome people reaching out on bet life if they
want to talk about any of it or I'm totally
open to messages.

Speaker 2 (01:11:22):
Just like I said before, you could find her on
fet life at underscore Underscore Leah l e a h
very easy to remember. Don't forget about that double underscore
and don't be mean to her. And if she's mean
to you, perhaps you could watch her get a spanking
in the future. But I do appreciate you coming on here.

(01:11:45):
I think you were a very good interview. You're very articulate.
I think people are going to either really hate this
episode or really love it, and thank you very much.

Speaker 3 (01:11:56):
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (01:11:57):
Why don't you say goodbye to everyone out there?

Speaker 3 (01:12:00):
Hi? Everyone.

Speaker 2 (01:12:01):
As I stated at the beginning of this podcast, one
of my past guests, the Kink Consultant, is starting her
own podcast, which is not going to be just about
spanko's She is the Kink Consultant. She talks about everything
the name of the podcast will be The Kink Consultant
and it will be able to be found pretty much

(01:12:23):
anywhere you listen to podcasts, so start looking out for that.
But that wraps up another episode of the Never too
Old for a Good Spanking Podcast. I will see you
next time unless you shut me down after this episode.
Have a good one everyone.

Speaker 4 (01:12:41):
Since the recording of this episode, The Kink Consultant has
released her first few podcast episodes. I loved episode two,
but when episode four came out, it made me feel
all warm and fuzzy inside. She interviews a good spanking
and it is hot, hot, hot. Check out all episodes

(01:13:01):
on The Kink Consultant podcast.