32 - Vandals part 2

It’s not her battle, but it doesn’t matter. A score needs to be settled. And the only way to get her life back is to fight.

- One of the many things that fascinates me about these real-life horror stories is how people come to live with what has happened to them. Regardless of how chilling or traumatising an experience may have been, you’ve still got to go home afterwards, do the shopping, answer your emails. The extraordinary and the ordinary end up living side by side. Terrifying, life-changing events are tempered by the comfortable, frustrating sense that everything must inevitably, somehow go back to normal.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
The story you're about to hear wastold to me in the strictest of confidence.
Certain names, dates, and locationshave been changed to protect that confidence.
Events that feature in this story maybe part of the public record.
If you believe you recognize any ofthe people, places, or events that
appear in this story, ask younot to reveal any information publicly out of
respect for the subject's right to remainanonymous. My name is David Paul Nixon,

(00:46):
and you're listening to the New GhostStories podcast, where we delve into
the New ghost Stories archive to hearwitness accounts of the supernatural stories that could
be delusions, lies, fantasies,or perhaps even the real thing. Just
don't make your mind up until you'velistened. So before we get to the

(01:11):
concluding part of our story and tothe end of season three, I want
to talk a little bit about thefuture of the podcast. I've been working
on the New Ghost Stories project fora very long time now. I've been
collecting these stories for more than adecade. I've investigated hundreds and hundreds of
cases now, and those investigations arevery time consuming, and of them,

(01:34):
it's only a relatively small number thatactually becomes stories in the books and on
the podcast. The reason why I'vebeen able to keep this podcast going for
three years is because I've built upquite a large archive of stories. But
after some thirty plus episodes, I'msorry to say that that archive has almost

(01:56):
been worked through. There aren't thatmany of my old cases to feature on
the podcast. I have continued toresearch and write new cases since the podcast
started, of course, and afew of those have already appeared on the
show. Nevertheless, putting out tencases a year is not a model that
is going to be sustainable for thelong term. Now that's the bad news.

(02:19):
But there's good news too, andthat news is that there is going
to be a full season four ofthe podcast. It will feature the final
cases from the archive, which willeven include a sequel to one of my
early cases, but it will mostlybe entirely fresh material that has never been
available before, which is a bitscary for me, but also a little

(02:40):
bit exciting too. Beyond that,who knows. I'm hopeful that the show
will continue in some form. Itmay be that there are shorter seasons or
episodes added in small batches. I'mnot sure. It's going to depend on
a number of different factors, butthose are questions for another day. I

(03:01):
remain so grateful to have the opportunityto do this and to have listeners who
tune in for these stories and whosupport the show. Whether you've listened to
the New Ghost Stories podcast from thebeginning or you've recently come to the show,
you have my thanks and my gratitude. It matters so much to me
that you've given over your time tolisten. I really appreciate it. We

(03:24):
will have some vintage ghost stories tobridge the gap between now and when the
show returns for regular episodes, whichall being well, will be in October,
in time for Halloween. Thank youonce again, and now for the
final part of Vandals case number threehundred and ninety. Then you can hear
that in full. After these messages, I just want to say a quick

(03:49):
thank you to everyone who's taken thetime to rate and review the podcast.
We enjoyed a bit of a spikein listenership over the winter and start of
spring, and it's likely that thesereviews played a huge part in that,
so I really do appreciate the support. It absolutely does make a difference,
and if you haven't had chance yetand you are enjoying the show, please
do rate it on the Spotify appby visiting the show page and hitting the

(04:12):
three dot button, all by reviewingit on Apple Podcasts on any other platform.
It really helps me out and Ireally do appreciate it. And now
back to the story. Just aheads up to say that the narrator of
this story is female. What ifall these tags were a trail. I've
already seen them all over town.What if I followed them? Where would

(04:36):
it take me? I still didn'tknow what it meant, but I wasn't
going to play the game of callingthis madness or schizophrenia anymore. Something was
doing this to me, to bothof us, me and Billy, who
are being fucked with, and Ineeded to find out why and how to
stop it. If they were atrail, then which way to go.

(04:58):
One way would lead back to theHigh Street, but that would be too
obvious. You wouldn't risk vandalizing somewhereso public. The other way led to
a car park, a more discreetplace to defaced property. So I walked
there and straight away found myself stuckagain for which way to go. A
quick scan of the car park didn'tshow me anything. I got impatient quickly.

(05:20):
Where would I go if I werehis kid looking for somewhere to practice
his street art cross On the otherside of the car park was a subway
that went under the one way system. Where better for graffiti. I knew
the rules of the game now.When I got there, I found a
whole gallery of vandalism, with asmash not so hidden amongst them all.

(05:45):
Following the subway to the end,I found myself looking at a group of
terraced houses. They were built ona slope. A wall under the houses
grew tall. As I followed thepavement down to a junction, I knew
smush was on the wall next tothe crossing. I assumed this was a
hint to cross. I waited forthe traffic lights, then continued down the

(06:08):
street until I saw the next tag, which was on a postbox on the
street corner. I guessed I wassupposed to take a turn, and headed
down the residential road. One ofthe effects of my possession was that I
could summon complete focus on any goal. Just as my anger had been controllable
and all consuming, my focus wasnow absolute. The rest of the world

(06:31):
was tuned out I'm a focused personanyway, but there were no other thoughts
in my head. All the thingsI could be worried about and panicking about,
they were all on the back burner, completely shut out of my thinking.
How was I sure I was goingthe right way? I just kept
finding new tags, and I startedto pass through familiar territory. I was

(06:56):
going through the same locations or Ihad spent all those Sunday afternoons. From
the sloping alley where I first spottedhim, through the chain fence and then
down into the maze of subways thatpassed beneath the intertwining junctions, I walked
for miles. Night fell and Istrayed into a part of the city I
would rarely visit, and for goodreason. It was a rough neighborhood.

(07:24):
I was in in a state ofbrutalist tower blocks, a sort of flats
that get called an estate, anotherplace no one wants to go in every
cop show. It wasn't the kindof place where you would feel safe.
It wasn't well lit, the buildingshadn't been cleaned in decades. When people
walked past, they wouldn't look youin the eye. Grass and moss grew

(07:46):
between paving stones, and you couldspot rats crawling around piles of fly tipped
rubbish. It was unnervingly quiet,except for the sound of boy racers in
the distance. I ended up whereI knew i'd end up, the walkway
I'd spent the last Sunday of communityservice cleaning the place where I'd suddenly remembered

(08:11):
i'd let Billy clean away the smooshgraffiti, giving me the horrible four that
it was all my fault. Imean, I didn't make her clean it,
but she cleaned it away so Iwouldn't have to. It disrupted my
focus. Her getting dragged away bythe police. I'd almost forgotten. I

(08:33):
didn't just need to sort this outfor me. Her life was on the
line too, and this might evenbe my fault. I felt sick.
She was probably in a police cellright at that moment. Perhaps it was
the safest place for her and foreveryone around her. I heard the sound
of a tin can rolling. Itrolled from one side of the pavement to

(08:56):
the other. Where it had comefrom. There was a flight of stairs.
Taking that as a hint, Istarted to climb the dirty stairwell onto
an open first floor walkway. Anothersmush was written on a flower box that
sat on an iron rail. Therewere no flowers, just cigarette butts and

(09:18):
ash. To my left and tomy right were rows of doors and windows.
Some were painted in bright colors,most were faded and looking pretty shabby.
I was drawn to my left asif I knew it was coming.
I heard the rattling of a keyturning in a lock. Onto the walkway

(09:39):
stepped a middle aged man. Hewas singing Bob Marley at an obnoxious volume.
It was a territorial type of obnoxiousness. He wanted you to know he
was there, and he was challengingyou to do something about it. He
was about average height, probably inhis fifties, with plenty of gut fat.

(10:01):
His jacket was a shiny, cheapfabric. He was all in black
except for a white shirt underneath witha clip on tie. I walked slowly
towards him, keeping my head down. But as he sung like I recognized
the voice and it froze me tothe spot. Now, my overwhelming explosive

(10:22):
emotion was fear. My heart wasstumping and my body was shaking, and
I wanted to run, but Iwas too scared even to do that.
I knew that voice, not fromthe words he sung really badly, but
from the sound his gutteral, grating, scraping tone, like someone trying hard

(10:45):
to talk with a sore throat.I knew that tone because I knew his
laugh. I'd been hearing as disgusting, horrible cackle in my head all day.
If I looked afraid, he nevernoticed. He said crow as he
pushed past, butting my shoulder.He turned onto the stairs, singing or
a jam in as he went.I'd been holding my breath. I let

(11:11):
it out and felt dizzy. Ipropped myself up against the wall. I
was starting to see things, visionsof this man, fragments of memories.
I never knew. He was adrinker, a mean drunk. I saw
him knocking back bottles and smashing themagainst the wall. I saw him getting

(11:33):
angry and aggressive, screaming at others, threatening them, spit flying from his
lips. He had to be restrainedunless he was at home, and then
I had to just go and hide. Suddenly his face was right up against
mine, not even an inch betweenus. He was threatening to pick some
fucking sense into me. I screamedand sunk to the floor. Thank goodness,

(11:58):
no one was watching. I wasshivering, sweating on the ground.
These were someone else's memories, butthey felt real. It was like i'd
been there. He was like thisall the time, angry, aggressive,
belligerent, forever with a chip onhis shoulder, forever looking for someone to
take his rage out on, andI was usually there, his son.

(12:22):
I heard him singing again. Igot off the ground and went to the
rail. I saw him climb intohis car. It was a vintage model,
something from the sixties or seventies,in good condition, very well cared
for. He barely said a wordto me, but in my head I
could hear him calling me worthless,stupid, a pussy. I needed to

(12:46):
toughen up. I was disgraced tohis family. I wasn't half the man
he was at my age. Hiscar was loud, it rumbled away,
and I had no way of followinghim, but that was fine. I
didn't want to be any where nearhim. I was too terrified. The
emotional drama that had all was takenits toll. I was fragile, and

(13:07):
I was exhausted. I couldn't dothis anymore. I tried to remember which
door he came from in case itwas important. I estimated that it was
number twenty seven. The door wasalso well looked after, recently painted a
cherry red house proud as well ascar proud. I spotted the corner of

(13:30):
an envelope sticking out from his postbox. I grabbed it with a couple of
fingers and eased it from the shutter. It was a scrunched up pace slip.
It was addressed to a Barrington smith. It was marked as being from
four Sight Security with a return addressin Guernsey. Not caring about consequences,

(13:54):
I tore it open to see ifthere was any useful information inside. Was
being paid for sixteen shifts at theindustry? Whatever that was. I screwed
up the pace slip and shoved itback through the letterbox. I was halfway
down the stairs when it clicked thatthe industry was probably some nightclub that would

(14:18):
make sense of his clothes. Hewas a nightclub bouncer sitting on the bottom
step. I looked the industry upon my phone. It must be new.
It didn't have a website, butit had a Facebook page. Thursday
night was two for one shots untileleven pm. It was on the edge

(14:39):
of an industrial estate and an oldfactory, hence the name. It was
miles away and I was tired,totally drained. I did not want to
do this anymore. What did thisfucking kid want with me? It had
nothing to do with me. Iwasn't a social worker. Why was he
putting me through this? That's whenI got a vision of his father putting

(15:03):
his boot in my face. Iwas on the ground. I'd taken a
beating for just a moment. Ifelt it, I really felt it.
I felt the bruises, the blows, blood running down my cheek. I
jumped up and screamed like he screamed. I tried to cover my face from
the blows. I yelled at himto stop it, please stop. The

(15:26):
memory ceased. I fell on myknees, crying, trembling. I crawled
over to the wall and sat therewith my head between my knees. I
was sobbing. For such a longtime in this neighborhood, no one even
noticed that man had driven away mymother. She'd abandoned me and left me
alone with a violent maniac who beatme when he didn't get his way or

(15:52):
when he was upset about something anything. I was a punging bag whenever he
needed one. He'd play tricks onme and then call me stupid. Well
I didn't figure him out in advance. It was supposed to be for my
own good, so I wouldn't bea sucker. All the torment was for
my own good or my own faults. He expected me to cook and clean

(16:15):
for him as he was working,and I had to earn my keep.
That's all I was good for anyway. Because I was a bit of a
pussy and only suited for woman's work. I lashed out and tried to hit
him so many times. He wastoo strong for me and too quick.
Sometimes he would lock me in acloset to show me he was strong and

(16:37):
I was weak, and he coulddo whatever he wanted. I remembered it
all as if it had happened tome. I still remember it. I
felt violated and destroyed inside. Iwasn't allowed to finish. I helt the
pressure to carry on and see thisjourney through wherever it might go. I

(17:00):
had to follow this monster to hiswhole. I hadn't the strength to walk,
and the industry was too far away. I booked the taxi back home.
I sat in the back seat,hoping I could fall asleep, but
there was no chance of that.New memories were flooding through all the time.

(17:22):
He'd tell me to hit him,so I'd hit him, and he'd
dodge, and then he'd smack meto the ground. Too slow, he'd
laugh. One day, you'll getit fucking right. But no time too
soon. I'm still quick. Iheard his guttural slurring drawl. I heard
him speak his own name drunkenly.He'd draw the sound out smush. If

(17:51):
I could have thought hard, orI might have thought about the tragedy of
it all. And of all thenames this kid could have identified himself,
he chose the one that identified himwith this pathetic drunk. It was a
sad cry for help, a poorkid who could only see himself through the
lens of a monster, like azombie. I stepped out of the taxing

(18:15):
into my own car, bets stillon the side. I drove myself to
the Industry. I could have takenthe taxi, but I wanted to be
able to get away whenever I neededto. It was a half hour drive.
I don't know how I managed it. The club's location kind of made
sense. The Industrial estate was connectedto a main road coming out of the

(18:38):
city center and a not too farfrom where most of the student houses were.
A temporary sign hung outside the entrance. A couple of bouncers stood on
patrol by the heavy steel doors,with a red carpet leading in, not
really in keeping with the industrial look. Entry was ten pounds six pounds.

(19:02):
Before ten pm, I parked mycar a little further down the road,
not close enough for me to watchthe entrance, but away from any street
lights. Now that there was muchto watch. People turned up in dribs
and drabs, and there was nosign of Smith. Was this what I
was supposed to do? Did hewant me to go inside? Me in

(19:26):
a nightclub in my heat? Itwasn't exactly the kind of place I went
to even when I was this young. This was definitely more Claire's think.
She'd probably even been to the industry. Two for one shots was exactly her
cup of spiked tea. I wonderedbriefly where she was. There had been
no sign of her when I'd beenhome. There was no hint from the

(19:49):
kid that I should go in,so I stayed put, eyes struggling to
stay open as the hours went by. A Q started to form outside I
d's were being checked. Taxi startedto park up and drop off. I
dozed off a few times after midnight. I felt a hard nudge in my

(20:11):
side. I lifted my head.The kid was sat next to me.
Look, he said, nodding forward. His father had made an appearance.
He seemed cheerful. One of thebouncers took him aside. They went a
few steps away from the queue andhad a short conversation. After Smith gave

(20:33):
him a pat on the back andstrolled to the back door. He looked
less jovial. It's posture more predatory. Follow him, said the boy calmly.
What inside? Round the back?He glared at me, and I
got out the car. I wasI supposed to go round the back.

(20:57):
The entrance and the bouncers were atone end of the building. I decided
to go further along to the otherend of the club. A tall,
spiked fence separated the industry from thenext building. A path led down the
side of the club, connecting fireexits to the street and giving room for
air conditioned units to pump and recyclethe air. A steel gate lay open

(21:19):
at the end of the path.There was a small yard behind the building,
home to a large skip and afew discarded wooden pallettes and empty beer
barrels. The spiked fence continued aroundthe perimeter. I heard doors open and
I slid back around the corner.A couple of bouncers came out into the

(21:41):
yard, dragging a young man withthem. They pushed him against the fence
and stood on either side of him. As Smith came out into the open,
he held a baseball bat and tappedit against his side. He lifted
it and pointed the end at theman. I thought he told you.
I could hardly hear the young guyover the humming of the air conditioners.

(22:04):
He held out his arms to pleadwith Smith. Smith yelled and made his
show of swinging the bat back.The kid backed off. He promised to
give Smith all his money. Court. I'm taking all your money. What
I want to know is who putyou up to this? No one has
just needed the money. You thinkmy monkeys, you think lad out me?

(22:26):
What will you say? I'm sorry? You have no fucking idea.
One of the bouncers kicked the kidin the back of his knees, causing
him to kneel. Smith swung thebat, smacking it against the side of
his head. I saw blood spitfrom his cheek as he fell down.
The shock made me cry out.One of the bouncers heard and turned in

(22:49):
my direction. I ran. Ididn't know I still had the energy in
me. It flooded back, notas strong as before, but strong enough
to get me to the end ofthe path before the bouncer had barely started
after me. I was down thestreet, heading to my car, at
speeds I hadn't managed even when Iwas young. I drove faster and more

(23:11):
recklessly than I'd ever driven before,screeching around corners and cutting people off at
a time of night where there justwasn't any need to be so aggressive.
I was supposed to be cautiously holdingonto my license, but I could only
really think one thing at a time. It was fear, then self preservation,
and maybe just a little bit ofexcitement. I'd never driven like that

(23:33):
before. By the time I wasapproaching home, I was back to a
snail's pace. The fatigue was overwhelmingnow I felt was dead. Pressing down
on the accelerator was a serious exertion. I sat in my driveway with my
head on the steering wheel for along time, resting and taking things in

(23:56):
Barrington. Smith was a dealer,or at least a petty thug, probably
a thug four dealers. He wasdangerous. I remembered the pain the kids
shared with me, and I thoughtof the young dealer he'd just beaten.
Was he even alive? Could heeven recover from that? I really couldn't

(24:18):
handle this. I knew the horrorof it would all come back to hit
me soon, like a traumatic timebomb. I was going to badly freak
out. I just wasn't able tograsp it all yet, to feel it
in full. All was quiet whenI finally went indoors. When I went
up to Claire in Liam's room,not only were they not there, but

(24:41):
most of their things were gone.There was no message from them anywhere in
the house, and Leslie cotton whatI wanted. I'd driven them out,
as if that mattered anymore. Idropped down onto my bed and I blacked
out. I slept restlessly, withmore memories slipping into my dreams. I

(25:04):
didn't like being made to do this. I didn't like being made to do
his cooking and cleaning well I'm payingfor your food in the roof over your
head. You want to quit,then you gotta do some real workpal do
proper man's work. Then I wasin some car park outside another club.
There was a guy much older thanthe dealer i'd seen tonight. He was

(25:27):
getting a beating against the transit van. Smith Senior gave me the bat.
It was my turn. The guyI was on his knees. Another thug
held up his bloody head by hishair. I stood in front of him,
bat gripped tightly. He looked helplesslyat me. He tried to say

(25:47):
something. Blood and saliva dribbled fromhis mouth. I couldn't move. My
father shouted, come on, JD, dat hit him. I swung the
bat back, made a big showof my posture, but I couldn't.
I just couldn't do it. Uselessfucking kid. He pulled the bat off

(26:10):
me and pushed me away. Hescreamed for me to look at him.
I looked. He swung the batin the dealer's face. The dealer didn't
even make a sound. He landedon all fours and just took it as
Smith cracked him three times more onthe back and spat on him. He
threw the bats back at me.I wasn't expecting it, and I dropped

(26:34):
it, tripped and almost fell.He called me fucking hopeless. One of
his gang told him to lay off. Smith told him he could fucking have
me if he wanted. I pickedup the bat and I kept it.
That night, I crept into hisbedroom while he was asleep. I wanted

(26:55):
to bash his brains in with it. I don't know whether I could have
gone through with it or not.He rolled suddenly out of bed, kicking
my legs out from under me.I tumbled into his wardrobe. He wrestled
the bat off me, and thenhe beat me over and over, relentlessly,

(27:15):
until I couldn't feel it anymore.I woke up screaming and shouting.
The kid was there with me.It was raining outside, and he was
stood by the window that had beenthe last time, the last beating.

(27:36):
Did he know it was you,I asked, it was dark? He
knew. After a moment of silence, he said, you know what you've
got to do. I can't youknow him, You know who he is,
You know that he deserves everything that'scoming to him. I can't kill

(27:59):
a man I'm not a murderer,even with everything he's done. Just can't
do it. It's not your choice, not anymore. There is no you,
there is us. We are doingthis. Tears fell down my cheeks.
I can't. You can. Hedoesn't know you. You can get

(28:25):
close to him. You couldn't doit, then, why do you think
we can do it now? I'venever even been in a fight. Tomorrow
night, he'll be back at theclub, but you'll need to get him
on his own. I keep tellingyou I can't do it. I won't
do it. I am not givingyou a choice. It's me and you

(28:47):
forever until it's over. Do youunderstand. I will never leave you,
not until he is dead, notuntil he's so fucking dead and he's got
everything that he deserves earths. Ifell back on my bed. He wasn't
listening, and I had nothing elseto give him or say to him.

(29:08):
I turned over and covered my headwith my arms. Come up with a
plan. Do it however you like, but this ends tomorrow. We are
going to finish this tomorrow. Icried and I screamed, and I covered
my eyes and my ears until hewas gone, And even then I knew

(29:30):
I was never really alone. Nowhe was part of me. He had
a hold over me that I couldn'texplain. I knew I had no choice
but to go along with him,hope that he'd leave me be and let
me get back to normal. Iwas a danger to anyone and everyone until
he'd leave me alone. I sleptat least twelve hours. I didn't wake

(29:56):
until well into the afternoon. Ifelt empty inside. I was just blank,
an empty space, until some newfeeling would overtake me. I lay
on the bed for another hour.There was no great hurry to do anything.
When I finally did get up,PIE slipped into my routine. I

(30:18):
showered, then changed, I madebreakfast at four pm. I didn't check
my phone until afterwards. There werecalls and messages, put them aside.
I didn't need to get into thatnow. That was not my purpose.
All I had to do is wait. I had some kind of plan in

(30:38):
my mind. It might have beenme who thought it up, or it
might have been him. I didn'tknow where the boundaries were, but it
was simple. That seemed to bethe main thing. There was less chance
of me getting caught if it wassimple. How little that seemed to mean
to me now getting a rested lockedup. The worry about going to prison

(31:03):
was as perfunctory to me as towhether I had butter or marmite on my
toast. I reached inside for apart of me that cared about the consequences
of what I was about to do, and I couldn't find it. I
still worried about dying. That instinctwas so inherent, I could still feel
it. Prison or arrest hardly stirredme at all, perhaps because well,

(31:29):
what did I really have left thehouse a little bit of money? Maybe
this was his plan all along,to take away from me all the things
that mattered so I would be moreable to do his dirty work. And
how pathetic those things all seemed tonow. My job, which took everything
out of me and made me coldand miserable, and my family, who

(31:51):
I could never get on with,my friends, who I hardly saw,
my hobbies which were watching TV,and not much else. I was a
good vessel for him. What Ihad to lose was exactly nothing at all.
I just hadn't known it before.Late in the afternoon there was a
knock at the door. Reacting tothe stimuli, I went straight there.

(32:15):
To my surprise, I found Clairestanding alone and staring at me. It's
you, I said, in adull tone. Is that all you've got
to say to me? After apause, I said, I'm sorry.
You're sorry. You punched me inthe face. You hit my child.

(32:38):
I didn't hit Liam. You pushedhim, you shoved him. I'm sorry
about that too. She was tense, nervous and sure what to say.
What is wrong with you? There'sall this shit about you on Facebook.
My threshold for other people's bullshit finallygave way. What's that supposed to mean?

(33:00):
Stuck for words, I shrugged myshoulders. I could call the police
on you. You know that.I think that's up to you. Is
that what you want? I honestlydon't care. Claire, do what you
want. It's not important. I'myour sister. You hit me, you
said those things. How can yousay it doesn't matter? Because you upset

(33:23):
me? Claire, You're selfish andyou leeched off me. And I'd had
enough. I'd had enough of alot of things. I just wanted to
go on holiday for once. Sheused to get her boyfriends to take her
places all the time that I didn'trise to it. Don't you even want
to know where I'm staying? Iguessed with Paul. Yes, yes,

(33:45):
with Paul. She hadn't expected theanswer. He didn't even believe me when
I told him you hit me?I said, I was sorry. I
can't even cover it up with makeup. I was losing patience. Is there
something you want? Claire? Shewas like a little lost girl. What's
happened to you? Abby? Thisisn't you. What the hell is going

(34:07):
on? I'm really worried about you. I'll be fine. You should stay
at Paul's. You shouldn't be aroundme. I can't stay there with him.
She seemed to be looking anywhere butright at me. Doesn't want me
anymore. We stood in silence.We were right in front of one another,

(34:29):
but we weren't even making eye contact. I have things to do,
Claire. Is that all you've gotto say? Yes, you can talk
to me. You know you don'thave to close yourself off. I said
goodbye and I closed the door.My plan was to catch smith Sor before

(34:52):
he went to work. I waitedin my car in the car park beneath
is flat. When he emerged andheaded for the stairs. I got out
and walked briskly towards his car.I picked up the pace as I saw
him cross the tarmac. Hey,I wanted to get his attention without speaking
too loud. I waved at him, and he fixed his eyes on me.

(35:14):
I caught up close and said,you can hook me up right gear?
What I want something? What doyou sell the other? Fuck?
Are you? I'm not the police. I just want some gear to imagine
how these people talked. I didn'tknow the first thing about buying drugs.
I don't know you. I've gotmoney, all right. I showed him
my wallet. I drawn as muchas I could from the bank and padded

(35:37):
that out with receipts to make theward look bigger. It had the effect
I knew it would. What areyou after anything? Pills? I'll take
pills. What pills? Anything?He's acid? Whatever? I want to
try something, all right? Ijust wanted to try something. You gotta
be fucking kidding me. I'm notyour guy. You want this or not?

(35:59):
I got angry. Show in thenotes again. You can have the
lots. I don't care. Justget me something. He wasn't sure,
but the money was keeping him interested. Not fucking here, right, I
can meet you at the nightclub.You're informing me I checked you out,
so what this is a transaction.I need to know who's got the goods.

(36:20):
He seemed more puzzled than angry.Twelve thirty. I'll be outside.
I don't think I want anything todo with you. For five hundred,
six hundred quid for no fucking work, you will a two dozen ease whatever,
Just be there. He started tolaugh as I walked off. As
long as he showed up, itdidn't matter. At twelve thirty, people

(36:43):
were still showing at the club andlining up outside. My worry was that
he'd not be alone. He knewthere was something suspicious about this, but
my gamble was that I looked soclueless and unthreatening that it wouldn't matter.
He wanted the money, even ifit probably wasn't that much to him.
Just showing it to him marked meas clueless. I ought to be an

(37:04):
easy mark. I waited on astreet corner just a little further up the
road from the industry, on theopposite side. He would still be able
to see me. I was worriedabout showing my face, but no one
around here would know me, soit probably didn't matter. I had to
get him away from the club soI could stab him and still have a
chance to get away before anyone couldcome to help. My car was parked

(37:29):
a few streets away, within runningdistance, where I was sure there was
no camera. My focus was stillperfect. I waited for such a long
time and kept my nerve. Ididn't waiver or worry or get restless.
I was fixed there from before midnight, and even when twelve thirty passed,

(37:50):
I barely got anxious. I wasn'tfrightened. I could kill him after his
work ended, if necessary. Hefinally appeared. Yeared twenty minutes late,
while his colleges were patting down newcomers. He walked to the edge of the
pavement and took a slow look upand down the street right to left.

(38:10):
When his eyes met mine, Inodded and turned the corner. As soon
as he started walking towards me.I sprinted then to the next corner.
I waited there for him to appearand see me once again, and I
turned that next corner, pulling himfurther away from the club. I backed
a little down that next street asI waited for him to catch up.

(38:34):
I stood beneath a large warehouse building. Across the road was a mostly empty
car park. This spot was morewide open than I wanted, but it
was isolated, poorly lit and quiet. It would do for what I had
to do. I was ready forthis. The focus was there, the
rage was ready to flow. Assoon as he turned the corner, I
could whip out the knife, plungeit into his chest, and make a

(38:57):
run for it. It was allso simple. Then he arrived and it
all vanished. The focus, anger, and energy went in a flash,
like a cloak slipping off my back. My fear was exposed. The man
who beat me, the man whomurdered me. I was paralyzed with terror,

(39:17):
completely overtaken by it. You're runningaway from me, he growled.
What the fuck you got it?You got the stuff? I felt like
I was shaking. Could he seeme shaking? That's not how this works.
I thought you knew how I didbusiness. Fock's sake, Why am
I even here? Because I've gotmoney? Even my voice was shaking.

(39:43):
Yeah. And what you do isyou hand each me and then you pick
up their gear from someone else.It's that simple. Now, hand it
over. If I'd moved quicker,maybe I'd have gotten away with it.
The knife was hidden under my top, held in place by my belt at
the back of my trousers. Icould have just reached for it and given

(40:06):
it right to him. But wewere so afraid of this monster. We
were slow, and we were tense, and moment of hesitation. The awkward
move we made, we gave thegame away. He knew this wasn't right.
He went from my arm. Ijust got my fingers around the handle.
His pull made it slipped from mygrip. It fell, clattering on

(40:28):
the pavements. He butted me inthe head. I fell down. Fucking
hell, he shouted. He reacheddown to pick up the knife. I
knew it. I knew this wasn'tlegit. Fuck. I was trying to
crawl away on my backside. Hegrabbed me by the ankles and yanked me
back towards him. Who put youup to this, Jesus? Is this

(40:52):
some revenge thing? Get your kidfucked up? Did I? He pointed
the knife. I don't get it. Eats you not to play with big
boys toys. I covered my eyesand I screamed. What came next was
like thunder, then lightning, neitherof us noticed the sound of a car

(41:15):
engine rumble to life. There wasa screech, followed by a roar.
I opened my eyes. A whitelight flashed past me. Smith just had
enough time to see it coming.I was quick enough to lift my legs
out the way. A white vansped across the car park. It reversed

(41:37):
over the road and onto the pavement. It crashed into Smith, took him
off his feet and smashed him againstthe factory wall. A cloud of dust
burst from the bricks. I layon the tarmac to shock to move.
As the car wheels started to turnagain, I jumped to my feet.

(42:00):
The van pulled a few feet forward. There was a queasy moment when Smith
still seemed to be on his feet, his back against the wall. Then
his body dropped, tumbling forward likea sack of potatoes, onto the pavement.
I crept towards him, staring downat his figure, too scared to

(42:21):
act. I heard the van dooropen. I heard footsteps coming towards me.
A tall character appeared by the backdoors. They wore a ski mask.
I could only see their eyes,but that was not enough. I
only knew who it was when shespoke you're going to help me or not.

(42:43):
I snapped out of it. Iwas in safe hands. I bent
down to help pick up Smith.Billy tried to open the back doors.
They were badly dented. It wasan effort to pull them apart. Is
he dead? I asked, he'dbetter be dead. He was heavy.
It took both of us to heavehim inside. He landed with a thud

(43:05):
on a ratty old carpet. Webeat the door shut and got back to
the cabin. As Billy started speedoff, I contributed some advice. Slow
down. We've got a body inthe back. You're drawing attention to us.
We don't need to be this fast. She didn't like it, but
she must have seen the logic.She reduced the speed. Neither of us

(43:30):
spoke for a long time after that. Where are we taking him? I've
got an idea somewhere where no one'sgoing to find him. We talked no
more after that. We had thatsame focus on the task at hand.
There was no sound from the backof the van. I wasn't worried that
Smith might still be alive, becausewe'd we'd deal with it anyway. In

(43:57):
another act of symmetry, Billy droveus back to the same criss crossing carriageways
and junctions where we'd spent so manyhours cleaning the graffiti from pedestrian alleys and
subways. This time we avoided thepaths. We drove behind a car dealership.
Approaching close to a piece of disusedland under one of the rising roads,

(44:20):
we came to a stop by asection of badly maintained chain fencing.
Parts had been cut through and coveredby large sheets of wood. Some pieces
had since been crowed apart, leavinggaps we could squeeze through. Without a
word to each other, we gotout and pulled open the back doors.

(44:40):
Smith lay motionless on the floor.Even in the dark. I could see
a circle of blood where his headlay. Help me roll him up,
Billy said. She pulled the carpetup and climbed inside, squeezing her feet
under it. I climbed in afterher to help lift Smith. As we
rolled him up in the rug,I kicked aside the wooden panels to make

(45:05):
more room for us to carry himthrough. The terrain was rough. On
the other side, grass grew inthick tufts. There were large patches of
nettles and weeds and all kinds oflitter, mostly bottles and cans to trip
over could see where we were going. A little shelter had been created at

(45:25):
the base of one of the hugeconcrete supports that held up the road.
A roof had been made of thesame wood panels that had been used to
patch up the fence. Smith washeavy and the carpet wasn't easy to carry
him in. Billy led the wayand I followed, trying not to put

(45:46):
a foot wrong on the ground.I could hardly see. There was some
light falling on us from the road, but we felt sure no one could
see us from above. For amoment, I thought Smith might be alive.
I could feel some movement inside thecarpet, but it was slight movement.

(46:07):
I just wasn't sure. We reachedthe shelter and make shift home for
the homeless. They looked abandoned,at least we hoped it was. There
were empty sleeping bags and carrier bagsof old shoes, newspapers, and a
collapsed tent. The wood panels weren'tpropped up very high. Billy couldn't really

(46:28):
bend under and carry the carpet atthe same time. After cursing. She
dropped it and just pulled it alongwhile I pushed the other end. Smith's
head suddenly popped out from the top. I was sure for a moment his
eyes are about to spring open.I pulled the knife from my belt and
leapt on him, pinning him tothe ground. I was ready to plunge

(46:51):
it into his chest, but hishead stayed still. There were no signs
of life. Looked up at Billy. She made no comment. I stood
back up, and with my backbend, I helped shift him further inside.
She covered his body with one ofthe old sleeping bags and piled some

(47:13):
of the old rubbish around him tomake it seem less like a new arrival.
With that done, we both lookedat where he lay, and then
back at each other. Was thatenough? Was that all there us to
do? Were we sure he wasreally dead? We both made our way
out of the shelter. We bothseemed to want the other to say something,

(47:37):
but with no words to say,we started slowly to walk up beside
of the hill. After a fewstrides, Billy started to pick up pace,
and I began to sprint after her. About halfway up, she came
to a stop. The kid wasstanding by the fence just where we had
entered. I came to a stopa few feet behind her. He'd probably

(48:01):
been watching us the whole time.He had his hands in his coat pockets.
Without a word, he nodded tous, and then he walked away.
We turned to look at each other. We knew that was it.
We would be set free. Wejogged up the hillside. I felt euphoric.

(48:27):
I felt such a relief, andit was all my own. These
were my feelings. There was nothingcoming from any place I didn't know or
understand. I had complete control overmyself. Again. I felt light,
light as a feather. We gotback in the van, sat side by
side. We breathed heavily and smiledat one another. We really were free.

(48:54):
What now, I said, Wegot to get rid of this van,
Billy said, pulling it into gear. Where'd you get it from?
I stole it, You stole it. Don't look say shocked. It's not
like it's the worst thing we've donethis evening. No, I suppose not.

(49:14):
We had just killed a man.He had to be dead. We
wouldn't be free otherwise. Now itwas all me again. I'd have to
feel all the consequences. I'd haveto come to terms with what I'd done.
I felt the euphoria start to dissipate. No easy thing to kill a
man, new easy thing to livewith what you've done. I sat quietly

(49:39):
for a moment, then panic setin. Shit, I left my car
there where near the club. Whatthe fuck did you do that for?
How' do you think I got there? But what did you take your own
car for? I don't have anotherone. I was going to run for
it after I stabbed him. Thewords felt like rocks in my throat.

(50:02):
Well that wasn't a very good plan, was it. What was your plan?
Then? Just sit in a carpark and wait in case he walks
by. That's where he parks hiscar. Oh, I'll have to drop
you over there, somewhere you canwalk back and get your car. She
turned to look at me. You'renot even wearing gloves. What about your

(50:25):
fingerprints? I felt myself start tocry. I guess I just don't know
how to do crime very well.We stopped at a red light. She
reached over and put a hand onmy knee. You did fine. This
whole thing is fucked up. Icouldn't have done this without you. I

(50:47):
didn't take a lot of comfort fromthat. It wasn't exactly something I felt
proud to have contributed to. Sheput her hand back on the steering wheel.
We pulled forward and started up theramp onto the carriageway. As the
street lights flowed by, I said, we just killed a man. It
was him or Ross? Does thatmake it right? He was a piece

(51:13):
of shit. I'd rather you livedthan him any day. If we're all
in a boat and one of ushas to drown, I'd rather it was
him than me or you. It'sobvious, isn't it. I wasn't really
in the mood for analogies. Myhead heard him or us, and I
was as simple as it needed tobe. I could try and live with

(51:34):
that. She dropped me half amile from the industrial estate and planned was
for me to get my car,then drive a few miles out of town
and meet her at a junction justoutside the city where she'd be dumping the
van. I took her jacket soi'd at least it looked different when I
got back to my car. Ihad to remember carefully how to get to
the junction. I couldn't really putit in my sat NAV. Billy yelled

(51:59):
at me the tea. Taking myphone with me really was clueless. I
picked up my car without any incident. I heard no commotion from the direction
of the club. A strange soundlate at night probably wouldn't gain much attention,
and a busy nightclub was an easyplace to get lost. No one
would notice Smith missing for a longtime. The drive to meet Billy was

(52:22):
calm. I wasn't triggered by anyincident, no road rage or aggression,
but the focus was gone now.I felt on a knifeared, anxiety in
panic crawled all over my skin.I might not burst into a rage,
but I felt like I could fallapart at any moment, and I had
to keep it together. I didremember the directions, and I found my

(52:45):
way to the junction. Billy waswaiting in the bushes for me. When
I stopped for her, I noticeda cloud of smoke rising above the trees.
Couldn't you just have abandoned it?There's DNA and ship. Best play
it safe. I started to driveus back to town. I asked where
I should go, and Billy said, I may as well go back to

(53:06):
my house. If my car hadbeen caught on a camera. Anyway,
they'd already be able to get myaddress from the license plate, so I
may as well go where I'd normallygo. She would walk home from there.
When I finally got back, Inoticed the graffiti he had disappeared from
the side of my car. Orthis meant. Didn't really click until a

(53:27):
few moments later I caught sight ofmyself in the mirror in the hallway.
Looking at my washed out expression,I suddenly remembered. I took off my
jacket and top and checked my shoulder. The graffiti tattoo was gone. There
was no scarring, no pain,no mark. It had vanished. Billy
had followed me inside. Realizing whatI was doing, she started taking her

(53:53):
clothes off too. She stripped offher top and sports bar and stood beside
me, half naked, looking intothe mirror. She was so happy over
the moon. I was not.I felt a terrible rush of pent up
emotions. Everything I'd bottled up andput to one side finally spilled over.

(54:15):
I broke down to tears. Ihad my life back, myself back,
but at what cost. I hadseen things and done things I could never
forget. Billy came to hold meas I cried. She held me close
and shushed me like a crying child. I wept into her shoulder and she

(54:36):
started to stroke my hair. Shetold me it was okay, that it
was all over now. I lookedinto her eyes, and she looked into
mine. We started to kiss.I think she kissed me first. It
seems much more likely to have beenher, but I didn't stop. I

(54:57):
let myself go. I gave upcontrol. It's funny, you know,
I don't think I'd ever really thoughtabout being with another woman. It was
just one of those things other peopledid, not a down the line regular
person like me. God, Iwas so fucking up tight back then.

(55:19):
We had sex, and it wasgood sex. It was unexpected, and
it felt good because I just neededto let go, just for a short
while. I needed that release.I needed to feel loved by someone,
to be held by someone. Weslept together. When I awoke the next
morning, I was a stranger tomyself, kind of numb, kind of

(55:42):
empty. I didn't know what tofeel, what to do with myself.
I felt lost. Billy was gettingdressed. I asked her, where are
you going? I got work todo, got to pretend like everything's normal,
and I still need the cash.I wanted her to stay. I
was scared. As long as shestayed with me, I could still exist

(56:06):
in this space where I didn't haveto care or faced the wreckage of my
life and how I was going topull all the ship back together. What
shall I do if the police comecalling? Tell them your alibi? I
looked at her blankly. She rolledher eyes at me. I must have
seemed so hopeless. Say you aregoing through a midlife crisis, and you

(56:29):
thought about going clubbing but changed yourmind. Work something out. Put my
head in my hands. She saton the bed and put her arm around
me. Hey, we're going toget away with this. There's no one
who knows who we are. There'snothing to connect us to the kid or
his old man. Even if we'recaught on camera. It was dark and

(56:51):
no one's going to be able tosee our faces. I had nothing to
say. She kissed me on thecheek and got up to leave. How
will I reach you, I said? She chewed her lip for a moment.
She went over to my dressing tableand wrote her phone number down on
an envelope. If the police come, chuck it away. She went to

(57:14):
leave, but then said, butdon't call me straight away, and in
fact only call me from her phonebox. I nodded. She said I'll
see you around some time, andthen she left. I lay back in
bed. I knew all that wasahead of me was going to hurt.

(57:36):
I didn't want to do it.There'd be messages and emails from work,
maybe from Claire. She'd probably havespoken to Mum by now. She always
had time to talk to her whenshe had a problem with me. I
was a murderer, and I wentfor a shower. I was a murderer,
and I got dressed and made myselfsome breakfast. This killer then sat

(57:58):
on the sofa watching Bargain Hunt likeI was in a hypnotic trance. Columbo
repeats followed, and then I hearda knock at the door. I walked
into the hall and I froze.I could see the silhouettes of a policewoman
in the glass. There was norunning. She could almost certainly see me.

(58:20):
How had they gotten here so quickly? I should probably just tell them
everything, I thought, Maybe they'dgo easy on me due to insanity.
Who was going to believe my story? At least I could protect billy,
take responsibility for everything, and notsay a word about her. They were
shouting hello to me. I hadto go and face the music. I
reached for the door handle and openedthe door, trembling, Hello, miss,

(58:44):
miss Charles. Yes, I said, close to tears, my name
is PC, and guying. Areyou all right? I had a rough
night, I said. I closedmy eyes, dreading what would come next.
I've been asked to look in onyou. Your friends at work of
raised some concerns. They're worried aboutyou. Do you mind if I come
inside? I opened my eyes again. Sure, I said, come in.

(59:10):
We sat down together in the livingroom. She told me my colleagues
at work had called the police becauseI hadn't been entering my phone. They
were concerned about my well being becauseof the strange way I'd acted in the
office. That made me laugh.I told her that strange behavior didn't really
do it justice. I'd just beenhonest for the first and only time while

(59:32):
I'd work there. She didn't smile. I told her one of the lies
I'd worked on after the office smeltdown, that I'd been taking medication and
I'd had an unexpected reaction. Ispun a tale about how I'd been having
a tough time with anxiety. Imean, speaking to my doctor about getting

(59:53):
help, and he'd recommended the medication. I wasn't taking it anymore, and
I should be okay, at leastphysically, in a day or two.
I wondered if she knew about thecar accident. She didn't say anything if
she did, but she did mentionthe complaints about the graffiti. That took
me back. I'd forgotten I'd evenreported it. I said it was fine

(01:00:15):
now, trying to keep my composure. Nothing had happened since. She seemed
a little unconvinced. She said itwas important to reach out to my colleagues.
They were worried about me, andthat my well being was much more
important than any job. Before leaving, she said, and it's really easy
to get caught up in what goeson at work, but it's absolutely not

(01:00:38):
worth letting it affect your health.It's never worth it. Got to put
yourself first. At the end ofthe day. Work is just work.
I nodded and closed the door behindher. In a way, she was
rights, But let's face it,you need your pay packet, you need
to pay your moreage and do yourshopping and get a good reference at the
end of it. It's never justwork, and it's even worse to do

(01:01:00):
a job halfheartedly, no matter howempty that job is. Saying it's just
work is really a lie. ButI'd defined myself so seriously by my job,
put so much stock in what Iwas worth based on my career.
It hadn't been worth it, butlosing at all still felt like a loss.
I was heartened and surprised by theidea that people at work actually cared

(01:01:23):
about my well being. I wentand I plugged in my phone and loaded
up my emails. Time to facethe music. The first emails were of
the what the hell and I needyou to explain yourself variety. The missed
phone calls were in double digits.They had many texts and notifications from lying,
gradually escalating in panic. I didfeel guilty for her. She was

(01:01:46):
a good person. There's there werethe concerns and worries of others. Their
concerns started to feel hollow. Theymight be worried about me, but they
were more worried about what I knew. I'd seen all the dirty laundry.
Once I was found to be aliveand okay. The caring wouldn't last.
I was a liability and a potentialPR disaster that needed to be neutralized.

(01:02:09):
Fuck those guys, Fuck those guys. I kept my responses brief. I
said to lying, she shouldn't worry. I'd been touched. Soon, I
apologized my outburst to my bosses,giving them the same excuse i'd give then
the police. I need to takean extended leave of absence. That's how

(01:02:30):
these things work. I'd never return, but they'd have to make it good
with me. First, I closedmy laptop and looked out the window.
It was sunny outside. I hadan unexpected thought. I was glad to
be alive. I changed my clothesand I went for a jog. I

(01:02:52):
ran a few miles, relaxed inthe park, had an ice cream.
Came back as the sun was goingdown. I turned on Netflix bined a
series or two with a takeaway.It was a nice day and I had
a good time. I took anotherlong walk along the canal. The next
day, I enjoyed Sunday lunch ata local pub, a great big roast

(01:03:12):
dinner with all the trimmings. AfterI finished, I picked up a local
newspaper. When I saw a bodyhad been discovered, my heart stopped.
But it was a young man andthe paper was a week old. I
tried to get back my blissful state. I sat in the beer garden with
a glass of wine in a book. I suppotted a group of teenagers on

(01:03:34):
the other side of the canal,laughing and mucking around. They were dressed
like a kid would dress. Ididn't feel like reading anymore, and I
decided to go back home. Thehouse felt very empty. I found myself
looking at holiday destinations, not thecultural city breaks I'd taken in the past.
I was looking at beaches, placesfor paradise and relaxation, far far

(01:04:00):
way at savings. I was goingto squeeze work for a good severance.
There was a knock at the doorlate afternoon. I was terrified it was
the police again, but the figurestanding outside wasn't very tall at all.
I opened the door and found Liamthere looking up at me. Hi,
Auntie Abby. At the end ofthe drive, the mum of one of

(01:04:23):
his friends was waving to me asshe started to pull away. Liam,
What are you doing here? Itwas Jake's birthday. His mum just dropped
me off, but you're not stayinghere at the moment. I forgot to
tell her, he said. Hepushed his way past me and started to
take his shoes off. He kickedthem into a pile under the coat rack,

(01:04:43):
then walked into the living room andplunked himself on the sofa. He
looked at my laptop. Were youdoing holiday comparison? Sights were on my
screen. I went and closed it, saying it was some work I had
to do. Do you even stillhave a job? Claire's bloody bigmouth?
It's complicated, Mum said, youhad him melt down. Is that why

(01:05:05):
he had punched her? Not justbecause of that? Like I said,
it's complicated. I had a fightonce. I remember you, and Mum
told me it was wrong. Itwas wrong, even though he stole my
pen, even though he stole yourpen, it was wrong. Then it
was wrong when I hit your mum. It's just wrong, full stop.

(01:05:27):
I made a mistake, and Iwish I hadn't done it. I watched
him stare at his feet for afew moments. Why did you come here?
Liam? Can I live here withyou? Auntie Abby? Liam?
I'm sick of mum. It wasnice when we were here with you,
I don't remember you saying how muchyou liked it it was better here.
I hate moving all the time.She always ruins everything. Had you heard

(01:05:53):
me say that about Claire? Hecouldn't have. I didn't remember saying it
out loud. Perhaps I did.Our fights could get pretty brutal. She's
your mum, Liam. Believe me, there are much worse parents than your
mother. I wish you were mymum. Christ He made me want to
cry. I love you, Liam, but Claire is always going to be

(01:06:16):
your mum. He picked up acushion and threw it across the room.
Hey watch it. It's so unfair. At least you're with your dad,
right. You used to like livingwith your dad. He doesn't want us
there. He's always asking how longyou're going to stay, even more than
you used to. Not about you, Liam. Your mum's good at overstaying

(01:06:38):
her welcome. Your dad loves you. I love you. Your mum loves
you too. That's three whole peoplewho love you. That's not bad,
is it. His arms were foldedand he was slumped back. He had
every reason to feel short changed.You're all letting him down. I'm going
to have to let your mum knowyou're here. He didn't say anything,

(01:07:00):
but is there something you'd like todo before she gets here? We could
play in the garden if you like. I thought you didn't like football,
I'll play football with you. Istill thought your football around here somewhere.
We took it with us. No, I still have the little one.
It's in the closet. It wasa long time since I'd kicked a ball
around with Liam. We used dowit quite a lot back when he was

(01:07:23):
more into sports. It didn't takemuch to get him being competitive, and
I was still hopeless. It wasfun. What I'd find over the next
few months was that when I playedand had fun with Liam, I didn't
feel any guilt. If I foundmyself doing other things and having a good
time, I might feel like Ididn't deserve it, but not when I

(01:07:45):
was looking after Liam. After Itexted her, I knew Claire wouldn't take
long to come over. She wouldhave her outraged act ready. I could
hear her knock on the door allthe way back in the guard High Claire.
She was looking past me. Where'sLiam. He's outside, Liam,

(01:08:09):
We're having some fun. Come onClaire, why not join us? What's
the rush? I can't trust youaround him? Can I? What if
you lash out again? Claire?I already said sorry, you hit me,
and you are a selfish bitch.Okay, I shouldn't have done it,
and I'm sorry, but I'm notgoing to hurt you, and I'm
not going to hurt Liam. Howcan I trust you now? It might

(01:08:30):
interest you to know that I'm aboutto lose my job, so I don't
have that hanging over me anymore.I'm starting afresh. I don't know what
that means, but life's too shortfor all this shit. Just come in.
She hesitated, but eventually followed meinto the kitchen. I'm just supposed
to forgive you, am I forgetlike it ever happened. Well, I

(01:08:54):
guess that's up to you. Buthow long do you think you can stay
at Paul's? He says, Ican stay as long as I want.
My eyes said that's bullshit to her. Fuck you, he said, you
look after me and Liam. Youtwo can't get on for more than ten
minutes. Come off it. Younever had it as good as you had
it when you were here with me. You couldn't wait to get rid of

(01:09:15):
us. You didn't want us heareither. I didn't even know I was
going to say this until I foundmyself saying it. Well, I want
you here now. I want youand Liam to move back in. You're
serious. I put things up,Claire. I'm leaving my job and I
don't want to go back. Idon't know what I'm going to do with
myself in the future. I've gota lot to figure out, and the

(01:09:38):
truth is I don't want to beon my own. Claire didn't know how
to react. She wasn't used tome being the emotional one. I wasn't
used to it either. I wasfucking tearing up again. And it's better
for Liam. He shouldn't be keptmoving around all the time. You hit

(01:09:59):
me. I can't forget that Iwas here for you when you needed help.
Can't you be here for me nowwhen I need your help? I
wiped away the tears as Liam camebounding in. Mum, I'm beating Auntie
Abbey eleven two. She's rubbish.Why did you lie to Jake's parents and
say you are still living here?I want to come back here and live

(01:10:23):
with Auntie Abby. Did you puthim up to this. Before I could
even answer, he said he shouldn'thave made her mad. You're always making
people angry. Why'd you have tospoil everything? Liam, Don't talk to
your mum like that, I snapped, Liam, mum needs some time to
think. Get ready and wait inthe hall. He walked away, stamping

(01:10:45):
his feet in a tantrum. Itmade the awkward silence almost comic. The
other day you said to me,I could talk to you at any time.
Well, I'm trying, Claire,I'm really trying. Are we going?
Then? On? What? Liamshouted? Claire looked a little tearful
herself. I'll let you know,she said. When she was gone,

(01:11:10):
I cried some more. One amess I'd made of everything. It really
had come to this. I reallydid want her back. I was so
desperate to not be alone that Iwas going to let my sister come back
because I was a train wreck too. Now we could all be one happy

(01:11:31):
disaster family together. I knew she'dsay yes eventually. It's not like she
had many options. I had tomake some concessions though. She had the
upper hand and she was going tosqueeze me. She was going to sleep
in my room from now on.Liam would have the other room to himself.
That kind of made sense anyway,and I had to let her go

(01:11:53):
to Prague, I could more easilysympathize for a desire to want to run
away from everything. They moved backin very quickly. That was good because
for the first time, maybe sinceI was a teenager, I had absolutely
no plans and nothing to do.I hadn't the first idea what to do
with myself. Having the two ofthem there, at least it gave me

(01:12:16):
something to plan my time around.Barrington Smith's body was found about a month
after we'd dumped it. He wasidentified in the paper the following day,
setting me on edge. I wasalready spending a lot of time trying to
conceal how fragile I was now.I was terrified I might get taken away

(01:12:39):
at any movement. Reading the newsallowed me to fill in the details about
Smith. I'd never known. Thepolice knew of his violent past. He
had done time, and the papersaid he'd been known to associate with violent
gangs. His death was being treatedas suspicious, the implication being that it
was gang related. He went onto say that a year ago Smith had

(01:13:03):
been a suspect and the disappearance ofhis own son. He'd been reported missing,
but the boy's mother had implicated hisfather due to his violent temperament.
No charges were ever bought, andthe whereabouts of his son had never been
discovered. Because he was listed asa missing person, I was able to

(01:13:24):
look him up online. His son, Trevor, had only been fourteen years
old. It took time for thatto sink in. I'd been avoiding thinking
about anything to do with that night, trying to compartmentalize and put it out
of my mind, with limited successand many sleepless nights. I remembered feeling

(01:13:45):
selfish that I was wrong to bespending so much time worrying about myself.
I was still alive, I stillgot to live my life. I was
going to be fine. After Iread the story, I took myself out
on a tour across the city.I went to visit all the places where
I'd seen his graffiti. On thatjourney i'd taken across town, I couldn't

(01:14:06):
find any tags anywhere. I wentthrough the labyrinth, fine subways, and
the alleys and junctions. I couldfind no sign of the smash tag anywhere.
It was as if all signs ofhim ever having existed been wiped away.
I wondered what his father had doneto him and where he had put

(01:14:26):
his body. There wasn't even agravestone where I could lay flowers. He
was only missing, not officially dead, fourteen years old. What kind of
life was that? As months passed, I knew things had to change,
that I could do something different andmore important with my life. If I

(01:14:47):
was going to define my life bymy work, I could do some work
with actual value. I've ended upbecoming a social worker. I took a
job that's ten times more stressful andten times harder, with longer hours and
worse pay, And it was theright decision because now I get to help

(01:15:08):
people and I can try to makesure they don't end up like Trevor Smith.
Doesn't always work out. Bad thingshappen to people who don't deserve it
all the time, and I can'talways be the one who helps. It's
really tough, and it gets tome a lot, it really does.
It helps though, that whenever itstarts to get to me, when it
really drags me down, ONLY haveto walk about fifty feet from my new

(01:15:30):
office to set my eyes on acertain wall, a certain wall that I
drove into and was never even rebuilt. I just have to remember how important
it is to not let things geton top of you, to keep things
in proportion. Me and Claire livedtogether for four years. In the end,

(01:15:55):
I moved out and I let themhave the house. I didn't need
all that space for myself, betterfor them to have it. I have
a new life now, a newhome and a new partner. It's not
perfect, but I'm so lucky forwhat I have. I'm thankful, really
thankful. I never did call Billyin the aftermath. I was trying not

(01:16:19):
to face it or deal with whatwe'd done, and she'd said not to
call, so I didn't. Thenweeks and months went by and I didn't
want to revisit what happened. Ikept hold of her number, but the
time came when I knew I wouldnever call it. But I did see
her just the once. I wasin the supermarket many months later, and

(01:16:43):
I saw her in the fruit andvergile and full of guilt and fear and
shame. I couldn't quite bring myselfto say anything to her. They didn't
seem appropriate to raise my voice overthe silence and speak to her, reveal
to the world we had some connection, it was still a secret. Instead,
I concentrated on the different bags ofleafy Green's on the shelves. She

(01:17:06):
walked by me, brushing up closeto me, running her fingers across my
right hand. I opened my fingers, letting them slide between, allowing her
palm to pass over mine. Thatwas the last time I ever saw her.
I miss her, and I thinkI always will. Thank you for

(01:17:38):
listening to season three of the Newghost Stories podcast. If you've enjoyed the
podcast and would like to support whatI do, please consider leaving a review
on any platform and subscribing to hearfuture releases. You also become a patron
and enjoy some bonus content by signingup at patreon dot com slash New ghost

(01:17:58):
Stories. This podcasts has written,presented, and produced by David Paul Nixon.
If you'd like to find out moreabout New ghost Stories, visit my
website Nego stories dot substat dot com, and to get all the latest from
me, follow me on Twitter,Instagram, and mastered on at New ghost
Stories. We'll be back next monthwith a new bonus episode.