38 - What We Leave Behind

It’s a family heirloom. Her sister doesn’t deserve it. So she’s keeping it for herself. And it doesn’t matter what the voices say…

Ghosts come most often when we’re vulnerable, and there are few times when we’re more vulnerable to the supernatural than when we’re in mourning. When we’re contemplating not just who we’ve lost, but our own mortality. Why wouldn’t we want to reach out to something beyond, and hope that there is an afterlife. And that we don’t just all fade to nothing.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
The story you're about to hear wastold to me in the strictest of confidence.
Certain names, dates, and locationshave been changed to protect that confidence.
Events that feature in this story maybe part of the public record.
If you believe you recognize any ofthe people, places, or events that
appear in this story, ask younot to reveal any information publicly out of
respect for the subject's right to remainanonymous. My name is David Paul Nixon,

(00:44):
and this is the New Ghost Storiespodcast where we delve into the New
Ghost Stories archive to hear new andclassic cases of the supernatural stories that could
be delusions, lies, fantasies,or perhaps even the real thing. Just
don't make your mind up until you'velistened. It's harder to be a good

(01:12):
person than a bad one. Tobe the sort of person who cares to
be a kind person, someone whothinks fairness is important, who takes the
time to stop and help when theysee someone who's in need. It takes
less effort to be cruel to telllies to care only about yourself and not

(01:33):
give a damn about anyone else,And yet we seem to value it the
other way around. It's the decentcaring people who are seen as weak as
do good as and bleeding hearts.It's the bastards, the thugs, the
lying sons of bitches who are seenas strong. Because if you can throw
your weight around and shout and bully, then you don't have to do the

(01:55):
hard work. You don't have togo through messy things like trying to understand,
being patient, being empathetic. Youdon't have to try to get to
grips with things that are complex.You don't have to give anything up,
like your time or your money.We are supposed to aspire to goodness,
generosity, fair play, humility,grace. We talk as though we admire

(02:16):
the virtue us, and yet allthe attention and all the conversation is taken
up by the transgressors, the outragepeddlers, the people who insult and troll
and who just don't give a fuck. Why do we pay such attention to
those who do the wrong thing shamelessly, proudly. Why does such people become

(02:38):
subjects of praise and envy? Isbecause we know that following the rules can
be tough, that social conventions canbe a burden. They can hold us
back, stop us expressing ourselves andgiving in to our impulses, and a
part of us wants that freedom tolash out when provoked, to tell others

(02:58):
what we really think of them,to make other people do what we tell
them, and punish them if theyfail. It seems so appealing because it
allows us to become unleashed our reactionarydesires to be fulfilled, to get all
the things we want, at leastwe think it will. We know that

(03:19):
such transgressions actually come with consequences,that they would hurt others, make things
worse for everyone, including ourselves,yet we desire it anyway. Society seems
to be enamored of those who canget away with it, even though behind
them is a string of people forcedto pick up after them, who suffer
in their wake. If it waseasy to be good, we'd all be

(03:44):
doing it. But we must nevergive in. We must never give up.
We must do the hard work,whether we get the credit or not,
because we know that things would getworse. The world can't be a
better place without good people. Ifthere aren't good people out there, everything
starts to slide When people stop caring. Nothing we share gets to be good.

(04:08):
And unless you're so rich that youcan build yourself an island. We
cannot avoid sharing our spaces with others, others who we inevitably have to depend
on in ways big and small.If we let the bastards change who we
are, then we really are screwed. Sometimes to be good means gritting your
teeth, having skin as thick asleather, to be willing to give it

(04:31):
your all without any rewards, andto still feel good about it afterwards.
That's the kind of strength the bullies, the demagogues, the trolls and the
opinion columnists can never understand. Thisis new ghost Story's case number three hundred
and ninety six. It's called WhatWe Leave Behind, and you can hear

(04:53):
it in full uninterrupted after these messages. Note say that the narrator of this
story is female dust. It's supposedto be made up of dead people's skin,
said Rachel, running her finger acrossthe dusty window ledge during a thick

(05:14):
line through it. I wonder whatpercentage of your mum I have on my
finger right now, She held itup to the light. Rachel has a
habit of thinking out loud and sayingthe most inappropriate things and somehow always getting
away with it. Are you touchingup my dead mother, I said dryly.
Sitting at the kitchen table. Shesmiled, then blew the dust from

(05:39):
her fingertip in my direction. Iflinched, even though there was almost nothing
there. We could hear more thumpingfrom upstairs. How much longer do you
think she's going to be searching,she asked me. She searched mum's room
and my old room. I said, she's in the spare bedroom now.
There's nowhere else left left unless shewants to go and do every room again.

(06:02):
Something crashed to the floor above us. We looked up to the ceiling.
The noise sounded aggressive. A momentlater we heard her coming down the
stairs. I looked over at Rachel. She stopped leaning against the cooker,
and I sat up straight. Thiscould be it the moment she finally gave

(06:23):
up. Lilian stood in the kitchendoorway, ruffled, slightly out of breath.
She stared at me annoyed, butI spoke first, no, look.
Then she shook her head. Youare sure you haven't seen it anywhere.
I've looked everywhere, same as you. It hasn't fallen into any of

(06:44):
the bags of clothing. I doublechecked all the pockets, all the handbags,
and all the shoe boxes. Ican't find it anywhere. We've been
through this already. She puffed airthrough her teeth and shook her head.
Once again. She said she promisedme that ring. Every time she said
it, it got just a littlebit more theatrical. I'll ask the people

(07:08):
at the charity shop to let meknow if they find any jewelry. It's
a valuable ring and heirloom. It'spriceless. It wasn't priceless. She definitely
knew how much it was worth.I don't know what to tell you.
It's not here. We should probablycall the police. I don't think the
nurse took it. You don't knowthat she didn't. I don't have any

(07:30):
reason to think that she did.She'd been very good with helping me to
get things together. That doesn't meanshe didn't take it. I felt like
if I argued with her, she'dend up even more determined to try and
go after her. So I keptquiet and hoped she'd give up. She
took a moment to think, thenasked if I had a cigarette. I

(07:50):
chose not to be offended at herassumption that I'd gone back on the wagon
and reached for my pack of sovereigns. Join me for one, she said.
I got up and pulled my coatoff the back of the chair.
This was Lilian requesting to have aprivate conference so we could talk without her
having to ask Rachel to leave theroom. God to keep important matters within

(08:11):
the family. Can't go talking looselyin front of any old person, especially
not one of these blue haired lesbians. It wasn't that Lilian was homophobic.
It was just that if you weren'tsettled down with her husband, you weren't
taking life seriously enough. It wasa gray, miserable day in November,

(08:31):
a week after the clock's had goneback. Lilian was a tense smoker.
Despite her I'm a business woman,take me seriously vibes, She looked like
she was bracing for a colonoscopy.I suppose this is it, she said.
Probably won't ever see the old houseagain. She took another drag.
Feels like it ought to be momentousor something. No, it's just a

(08:54):
house, I said. I sha'n'tbe sorry to see the back of it.
Really, you won't have anywhere tofall back on when it's gone.
You think things are going to fallapart for me. No, that's not
what I'm saying. God, you'reso easily offended. She had another drag.
You've just had false starts in thepast, that's all. I left

(09:16):
her comments hanging. She broke thesilence by asking how long have you been
seeing Rachel? Now? Two years? I said, she has this fucking
way of talking, like anything that'sgoing on with your life isn't important enough
to remember. I was dying forher to leave. Shame. We can't
do the place up first before weput it on the market. If you

(09:39):
want to invest the money, Isaid. Stephen doesn't think it's worth it
the way the market is around here. He doesn't think we'd get a decent
return on the money and the timewe'd have to put in. Mum should
have sold it. She didn't needall this space. Well, Dad didn't
leave her with much else, soshe kind of wanted to keep it,
protect whatever good memory she had leftof all their years together. I could

(10:01):
have said that, but Lilian doesn'tlike talking about Dad much, at least
not in a way that faces thefacts. Successful businessman is the phrase she
likes to use when describing him.It's not the phrase that was used in
court. When are the charity peoplecoming over tomorrow for the clothes and bric
a brac, I said Thursday forthe furniture, except for a few pieces,

(10:26):
so I've got something to sit andsleep on. Thanks for doing this.
Me and Stephen really appreciate it.I made no remark. She knew
I needed the money more when itcame to mum. She always let me
pick up the work. She alwaysfound a way her life and her work
was always so much more important.It's ironic really in her mind. The

(10:50):
story she told herself, because Lilianis all made up of stories. Personal
branding is her thing, is thatI'm the screw up, the lay about
who doesn't do work, not properwork. But she never had a problem
leaving me to sort out anything thatshe didn't want to. She always got
what she wanted in the end,at least most of the time. I

(11:11):
can't believe she lost that ring,she said, I can't believe you didn't
look after it. I'm not havingthis argument again. I said, I
didn't know she hadn't put it somewheresafe, and I spent hours, on
top of everything else, looking forit, just like you did. Lilian
didn't respond. She clenched up andtook another drag. I went back inside

(11:35):
and she soon followed. I countedthe seconds while she made polite pre leaving
small talk, took one last lookat the place and said some performative words
about it being the end of anera, and then finally, finally,
fucking left. We never really goton. She's Dad's daughter. She believed

(11:56):
in all the bullshit, all hismyth making and lie and even when he
was exposed as a fraud, investingmoney from one business and putting it into
another to pay off his debts,she stayed a true believer because by then
she was too defined by it,the pro business, pro entrepreneur, pro
hustle crap, being one of thosehigh productivity puss the envelope, go big,

(12:20):
go home, out of your comfortzone, talking twats to care about
the truth and what it might sayabout her. And while she was doing
big, important motivational business things,I was here making sure Mum was comfortable
in bed. I was here makingsure she had her painkillers and helping her
to go to the toilets and getin and out of the shower. And

(12:43):
I was cooking for her, andmaking her eat when she didn't want to
eat, and making her drink soshe wouldn't get dehydrated. I tried to
help her remember what was going onwhen she got confused and when she started
to freak out, and comforted herthose times when she was only too aware
that she was dying and didn't havemuch time left, and that her remaining

(13:03):
time was only going to be morefull of pain and misery and endless mind
fucking tedium. My sister couldn't handlethat. God, it's depressing here,
she said on one of her visits, like I didn't know. I just
have so much going on right now. I really appreciate you being here.

(13:24):
She'd say, anything was more importantthan being here with her mum in a
final dying days. She only paidfor the nurse because I was going on
at her because I couldn't cope withdoing it entirely on my own. She
doesn't put any value on kindness orhumanity, not important enough in her quest
to try and claw her way upto the top or whatever the fuck it

(13:46):
was she was trying to claw herway up to the top of and after
leaving me to do almost everything,she had the nerve to claim she had
a right to mum's emerald engagement ring, the most valuable thing she owned,
the only really valuable thing she hadleft. She claimed Mum had promised it
to her, probably when we werekids, and probably just off hand,

(14:09):
without even thinking about it, andit'll be yours one day, off hand
kind of thing. That's a solidcast iron promise. In Lillian's book,
I don't remember it happening. Idon't think anyone else knew anything about it,
but she managed to find a wayto bring it up in mum's last
few weeks of being alive, andMum didn't have the strength to disagree with

(14:31):
her. Lilian always finds a wayto get what she wants, but not
this time. Me and Rachel lookedthrough the living room window from behind the
kitchen door. We watched as acar pulled out, and we gave it
a few minutes after that, justto make sure, Rachel walked over to
the washing machine. She pulled outthe detergent tray and from inside she lifted

(14:52):
out a match box. She walkedover to me and I held out my
hands. She pushed the end andthe little tray came out. She turned
it over and out fell a smallornate emerald ring set in tarnish silver.
The nurse had found it a fewdays after Mum died. I held it

(15:13):
up to the light just to seeit sparkle. I placed it on my
finger and I admired it. You'renot getting your fucking way this time,
Lilian, I thought, I lookedafter Mump. I did it when you
wouldn't. You don't deserve this,and you're not getting this. It belongs
to me. True. It wasan old and cool design, pre Roaring

(15:35):
twenties and hadn't really come back intofashion. I couldn't really wear it out
anywhere, not unless I was reallydressed up. But it was valuable and
I was keeping it just because Iwanted to, and I had as much
right to it as anyone. Areyou trembling, Rachel asked, I feel

(15:58):
nervous, I said, hating Isell for it. If she ever finds
out, it's not like we movein the same social circles, Rachel said,
sliding her arms around my waist frombehind, putting her cheek against mine.
She wouldn't ever be seen with thelikes of us. It's hard to
suppress childish feelings. Was I evenstealing it? I was lying, but

(16:22):
Lilian had been pretty fucking forgiving aboutthat in the past. Don't feel guilty,
said Rachel. She works for stockbrokersand banks, for fuck's sake.
Fuck her. This one's for you. I knew I was right, So
what did it matter what I wasfeeling. Mum died after a brave fight

(16:47):
against an aggressive form of breast cancer. She went through surgery knowing the chances
of success were low, and shedied in her bed at home, with
just one of her daughters by herside. Lillian arrived too late, busy
at some conference or other. Thehouse meant everything to Mum. She wanted
to die there, not in somehospice. I think why the house meant

(17:12):
so much to her was because itwas something to hang on to. She
could feel safe by thinking of thetimes when the lies worked, when she
had her husband and two loving daughtersand everything seemed fine. She could pretend
not to know she'd married a liarand a crook, and could pretend he
was a good husband and father andnot sleeping with anyone else or stealing anyone

(17:33):
else's money, and that she hadtwo young daughters with so much potential,
not one aimless screw up and anotherwho learned all the wrong lessons and redefine
lies as fake it till you makeit. Self Actualization sadly lies work.
Lilian is self actualized and successful.Her and her automaton husband go around the

(18:00):
country, across the Atlantic, givingmotivational lectures and productivity courses and all that
horse shit. A mum did takesome comfort from nostalgia for the better days.
I had to sit by and watchher go through old photos and hold
my nose when she talked about howthey met and how he courted her,
or how they went to course ather on their honeymoon, and all about

(18:22):
the family holidays to Cornwall and euroDisney. She didn't talk much about the
first time he got her to lendhim money, of course, all the
first time she suspected him of sleepingwith someone else. On the side,
bullshit still smells sweeter than the truth. This was the last time I was
ever going to spend at my mum's, the house I grew up in.

(18:45):
I was going to spend it gettingrid at the last pieces of her all
the things she'd left behind, herunliving remains, books, shelves, pictures,
chairs, clothes, and so on. The accumulated mass of her exhibit
distance to be divvied out until therewas nothing left. The mission was to
leave no sign that she'd ever livedhere or even existed. One of Rachel's

(19:11):
ideas for cheering us up was todo a final tour of the neighborhood's finest
takeaways, all the local greatest foodhits. It was a tandori that night.
We sat scoffing marinated meats on theremaining sofa cushions. We dragged the
sofa itself out onto the curb forthe council to collect. It was too

(19:32):
knackered to give away. Rachel wasdue back at work the next morning,
so I'd be continuing on alone.She was worried about me being there on
my own. I'm going to befine, I told her. She's always
fussing over me. I really can'twait to see the back of this place.
I just want it gone, tocut the past off with a knife

(19:52):
and never have to drag it aroundwith me anymore. You must have some
good memories of your life here withyour mum and dad, none that aren't
tainted. He was a lying pieceof shit, and that taints everything.
Rachel is a sweeter, kinder,more accepting person than me. You can't
stay angry forever. I'm not goingto stay angry forever. After this week,

(20:18):
I'm done with it. He goeson the market and I never have
to see it again. Rachel wantsto see the good in everyone, even
in me. But some people arerotten, and your life is better off
without The minute after we'd kissed eachother good night, I turned to switch
off the light. The last thingI saw before it went dark was the

(20:41):
ring sitting in the open matchbox.Dad claimed the ring had been passed down
through his family through the generations.More likely, he'd cheated some rich widow
out of it. He used toclaim he was descended from French nobility and
his family had come over to escapethe revolutionaries. This was rather at odd
with his whole rags to riches,poor kid, done good routine. But

(21:03):
whatever lie was worth telling in anygiven moment. The ring was old,
but I doubt it was that old. I did actually like the idea that
the ring was an heirloom, becausewith this generation I could bring my dad's
lineage to an end. He wasgone maybe an accident, maybe suicide.
I don't know. He'd taken somepills, had too much to drink,

(21:27):
and his heart had given out.The stress of probably going to prison can
do that to you. I wasn'tgoing to have kids, and I was
pretty sure Lilian must have been barrenor else she'd have had some, although
she probably didn't feel successful without kids. Hard to claim she had it all
without them. Maybe she could havehad IVF. I don't know. Anyway,

(21:51):
it was starting to look like myfamily's flowed toxic genes weren't going to
make it to another generation. Iwasn't sorry about that at all. I
slept like a log that night,so I wasn't feeling that guilty about taking
the ring. I only woke upbecause Rachel was being noisy in the morning.
She'd hung her coat on the backof the door and was beating the

(22:11):
dust out of the shoulders. Sheapologized for waking me. This place is
so dusty, she said. Shesat on the bed and leaned over to
kiss me good morning. I'm goingto be walking around with half of your
family clinging to my clothes. Ireally didn't like this morbid line of humor.
Let me know how things go,she said, I will, and

(22:33):
if you feel down, make sureyou call me. Yeah, I already
said I would, But you don'talways, she said quietly, let me
know how you're getting on. Shekissed me again and headed off. I
dozed a little that morning, slippingback into a dream where I found myself
at a noisy party and couldn't getany of the guests to leave. They

(22:57):
just didn't seem to notice me.The first of the charity shop workers arrived
at lunch time, along with asmall lorry. The two guys who got
out looked a bit undersized for physicalwork and too old to be carrying heavy
things. One was a talker,the other was a bit strange. He
stood bent forward, poking his chinout. He looked around a lot,

(23:21):
but never actually looked at me.So it's everything in bin bags that needs
to go, said the talkative one. All the bin bags, and there's
a few cardboard boxes too. Hearthat, Mick, All the bin bags,
all the bin bags, Yes,Dave, was it your mom that
died? Love, said Dave.I nodded, Ah, that's a shame.

(23:41):
It's tough when they go. Yeah, lost mine. More about ten
years ago, of course, she'dbeen ill for a long time, so
it was a bit of relief totell the truth when she passed over.
There's books too, Dave shouted hisfriend. We're taking these boxes as well.
Love, Yes, all those cardboardboxes. All those cardboard boxes too,
Mick, all the boxes. Okay, Dave, I can help lift

(24:06):
things too, I said, Nowthat's okay, Love, you've been through
en off. I felt like Ihad to do something. What about a
drink, I asked, Oh,I'd love tea? He said, you
want to tea Mick, not withtwo sugars, Dave. There were only
two mugs left in the kitchen.Both were chipped and stained and old,

(24:26):
not worth giving away. Almost everythingelse had been packed up. I found
myself feeling sentimental about crockery I'd neversee or use again, items of kitchen
where that had been with me mywhole life, Things that had never been
thrown away, Relationships that had lastedlonger than most of my actual human relationships.

(24:48):
I watched the guys as they gotto carrying things out and loading up
their lorry. I started to feelmy heartbeat getting faster. I wondered if
I should have kept more, notfor any real reason. I gone through
and kept everything I actually wanted.But seeing them take her things away,
things she'd treasured now gathered up,boxed and getting shipped off by strangers,

(25:12):
I went into the living room andtook a vase and some bookends out of
a box, things that I knewshe liked a lot. I felt like
I had to make up for somemistake I'd made, at least protect some
pieces of her life. It wasso silly, but I had to protect
and keep some piece of her safe. I didn't even notice when the kettle

(25:32):
boiled, and while I was makingthe tea, I noticed that one of
the two guys was coughing. I'dbeen lost in my thoughts again, and
he'd been coughing for a while,coughing badly. I went to check,
and I saw that Mick was bentdouble, coughing as guts out. His
mate Dave was bending over him,trying to make eye contact while he patted
him on the back. Where isit, he shouted at him, still

(25:56):
coughing. Mick pointed to the window. What'd you leave that out there?
He cried, charging past me outthe door. Is he all right?
Left? Is inhaler in the van, he cried, bounding into the front
garden. Mick was steadying himself againstthe door. He looked like he might
collapse. Can I do something,I said, not sure who I was

(26:18):
saying it to. Did you putit in the glove box? Dave yelled
from outside. Mick waved his armin a way that made it seem like
he was agreeing, so I shoutedyes. A moment later, Dave was
back, charging towards his friend withthe inhaler held out. Mick grabbed it
and Dave walked him past me totake him outside. It was very awkward

(26:40):
for a few minutes, while weall stood in the front guard and waiting
for him to get his breath back. Will he be okay? I asked,
feeling helpless. You're doing all right, mate? Do it all right,
Dave? He said, chokingly.It's all the dust, Dave said
to me, gets to his lungs. Of comment Rachel might have made came

(27:02):
straight to my mind, but Ididn't say it out loud. I said
they didn't have to carry on,and that we could finish another day,
but they were insistent they didn't havethe van tomorrow, and I didn't have
the willpower to just tell them no. I felt a bit ashamed for not
having that kind of personality. Ishould have insisted they stop. It's what

(27:23):
Lillian would have done, as ifshe cared to she wouldn't have been bothered
if they'd lived or died, aslong as she wasn't inconvenienced. I've always
been more of my mother's daughter.That would have been a good thing,
better than being more like Dad.But Mum was such a doormat for other
people her whole life. For me, they didn't feel like I was always

(27:45):
standing on quicksand I spent the restof the time they were there wincing when
Mick lifted a box and struggled andwas so uncomfortable. I tried to tip
them when they left, but Icouldn't even assert myself into making them take
the money. I was so gladwhen they're gone. It had taken under
an hour to clear Mum's things out. After tomorrow there'd be almost nothing left.

(28:10):
There's a bit of an echo nowwhen I'm moved from one room to
another. Houses look so much biggerwhen they're emptied out. Good for the
estate agent's pictures. I suppose theeyes had been right about it being dusty.
With the bags and boxes gone,I could see their outlines marked across
the floors. I'd done my bestin the week's leading up to Mum's death

(28:32):
to keep things clean, yet dustwere still everywhere. Moving things around and
packing things up had spread so muchmore of it around. I didn't feel
like I had the energy for cleaning. I'm like that when I'm feeling low.
I got out Mum's geriatric hoover,but that wasn't powerful enough to get
up the dust. Knowing I wouldhave to get out a mop and buckets

(28:55):
sent my mood crashing to the floor. I wanted this to be over,
and it was going to be allover. I just had to last for
the next few days. I couldstruggle through it, and then in time
I would be able to enjoy themoney. I did need the money,
although I wasn't sure if there wasanything worth while I could do with it.

(29:17):
It was a life changing amount ofmoney, but I'd probably just wasted
on things, things that would allend up in a skip or in a
charity shop. Eventually we all fadeinto dust. In the end, we'll
just disintegrate into nothingness. I managedto go through with cleaning the floors,

(29:37):
the whole time, my echo actinglike some kind of eerie accompaniment. I
planned to do the windows that day, too, but it was almost dark
and the weather looked like it wasgoing to turn, which it did at
about six o'clock with a heavy downpour. I hadn't done much for my life
so far, drifted from one jobto the next, nothing could really stuck.

(30:00):
I'd done English at university, whichwasn't much good for anything. I
had it in my head for along time that I needed to do something
to help humanity, perhaps to atonefor the sins of my father, which
I was already painfully aware of.The problem with that idea was that I
didn't like humanity that much. Istarted training to be a teacher, then

(30:21):
quit because I couldn't handle working withkids. I thought about being a social
worker or a therapist for a bit, too, but dealing with messy people
all the time. I was agardener for a few months. Thought i'd
be happy creating something, but thatwas too much hard work and I got
bored with it. The problem withmy depression is that it makes everything seem

(30:42):
like such a chore, and Iended up not being able to muster the
effort. I get discouraged very quickly. Rachel would say, I just needed
more confidence. Maybe I'm just notsure what I'm supposed to be good at.
She says, I'm smart and talented, but what is it I'm supposed

(31:02):
to be smart about and talented at. It's nice to be called an amazing
person, but I needed something toback that up, something I could put
on a CV found myself eventually workingat a publishing company. I'd started as
a temp manning their front desk,then they'd taken me on full time.
Gradually i'd moved off the front deskand onto becoming an editorial assistant. It

(31:27):
was good, I liked doing it. They didn't really bat an eyelid when
I had to take time off tolook after mum, and they kept letting
me take time off as a healthdeclined. But clearly I wasn't an essential
player making a vital contribution. Icould make some choices of my life once

(31:47):
the house was sold and I gotthe money, make some decisions about what,
if anything, I wanted from life. Just two more days I could
be out of here and start leavingit all behind me. Rachel phoned,
but I didn't answer. It wasn'tthat I didn't want to talk to her,
but sometimes I just don't want totalk at all period. The problem

(32:08):
with talking about my feelings is thatRachel will want to try and make it
all better. Life is tough,sometimes just sad, and that's the way
it is. You can't just saypositive, nice things and make it better.
Empty words don't really do anything.I'd have to speak to her.
Eventually, I text to say Iwas in the middle of something, and

(32:30):
i'd call her back, hoping i'dhave time to think of something to say
that could steer the conversation away fromhow I was doing. She called me
again late, despite what I'd asked. I bought fish and chips from the
Good Fish and Chip shop a littlebefore. I was feeling so bloated.
When I started to speak, Ipushed the conversation towards telling her what happened

(32:52):
with the charity shop workers. Honestly, I thought he was going to keel
over. But were they all right? Yeah, they sort of got right
back to it afterwards. I guessthey did make them tougher in the old
days. It's your mum's revenge.Her dusty remains are finally standing up for
herself. It was a bit ofan awkward silence after that one. Sorry,

(33:15):
she said, even she could tellthat was a bit harsh. I
was just it's okay, I said, letting her off again. I just
meant, you know, the awkwardnessof her voice. It's just so weird
when you think about it. Dustis like dead people and were always breathing
it in or sweeping it up.It is very ghoulish, I said dryly.

(33:39):
It's not all skin, it's allkinds of stuff. Anyway, your
mum was always lovely and kind.If only there were more people like her
around. You said, sorry already, I replied, where are you?
She changed the subject. I canhear lots of voices. Are you at
the po or something? Now?I'm home on my own. You're watching

(34:04):
TV? No, they cut itoff with the internet, but I can
hear voices. Really. Yeah,it's like people are talking in the background.
Like you're phoning close to a roomfull of people being noisy, and
you come to a quiet place tomake the call. There's literally no one
here but me, I said,looking around the room. Weird, Yeah,

(34:29):
I weirdly found myself walking around fromthe living room to the dining room,
just to make sure. So everything'sokay. Then sure it's fine,
and you feel good. I feelperfectly fine. I think I'm just going
to go to bed early and reada book. Okay, call me tomorrow
to let me know how things go. I will, I said. She

(34:53):
just wants to show she cares.It's a good thing. Really. Before
bed, I put on my bigcoat and stood in the front doorway where
there's some shelter to have a smokewithout getting rained on. I could have
just smoked indoors, but Mum neverliked it, so I didn't, even
though it was fucking cold. Rachelwasn't wrong, even though she shouldn't have

(35:16):
joked about it. Mum couldn't standup to anyone. All those times I
complained about Lilian not doing anything,and she'd say nothing or make excuses for
her, be nice to your sister'ssweetheart. She just does things in her
own way. And then when shefinally arrived, Mum would act so grateful

(35:39):
like it was some great, bigfucking effort. I wish I was different.
I might have a good old bitchin private fumean rent to Rachel,
but when it comes down to it. Don't really say much in my own
defense either. I don't clap backwhen someone is rude to me or treats
me badly. Could take so muchadvantage of me if she wanted to,

(36:02):
we came down to it, wouldI be much more different than mum?
What would I overlook just to keepher in my otherwise aimless life. What
might I have to do to keepher if she finally gets tired of trying
to make something out of me,if I'm just too sour and aimless to
love. But that night, asI got ready for bed, I saw

(36:25):
the ring by the bedside, andI thought to myself, at least I've
done this. At least I've stoodup for something, even if it was
in a bit of a cowardly way. I didn't feel guilty for stealing it,
not one bit. I was gladI'd done something to get back at
Lilian and get something for myself.I slid it on my finger. Rachel

(36:50):
was always saying I was stronger thanI knew. What I wouldn't have given
for a bit more confidence, somemore bite, something that wouldn't leave me
feeling so tired and empty inside allthe time. I could hear something.
Was that a voice? I putdown the ring and stepped into the hall.

(37:10):
For just a second I heard whatI thought Rachel must have heard.
The sound, not just of avoice, but many voices. It was
as if for a moment a doorhad opened, like a pub door,
and suddenly all the noise from insidehad spilled out before it had closed up
again, trapping the noise back inside. I felt like I had to have

(37:36):
a little look around just to makesure, and when I went downstairs,
I found that the front door wasopen. It was open only just a
little. I thought I must nothave closed it properly. I could hear
the sound of the rain outside.I pushed it too gently and snapped on
the bolt to make doubly sure itwas locked. I walked into the living

(37:59):
room just to check I was alone. Then no one could have slipped in.
Each one of my footsteps carried anecho, and I could still hear
even over the sound of the rainoutside. There were a few pieces of
furniture left still, places you couldhide if you wanted to. After a
few minutes of looking around, Idecided there seemed to be no one here

(38:22):
except me. I checked the backdoor was locked. Then I went back
upstairs. I couldn't hear those soundsof voices anymore. But I never settled
that evening. I felt on edge, like there were people there, that
the house wasn't empty despite all theevidence. I couldn't sleep because I didn't

(38:44):
have the privacy to relax. Itwas as if someone was always just about
to appear from around the corner,or through the door, or from behind
the curtains. Actually propped up achair against the door that night, just
to be sure. Then later,when I I was struggling to sleep,
I went up to the door,crouched down, and I listened. It's

(39:05):
hard to remember now. Maybe Ijust dreamt that I did that. I
don't think I heard anything. Maybein a dream I would have. I
walked downstairs the next morning feeling likemy head was full of gravel. It
was quite sunny and the light washurting my eyes, but it made the
flooring in the living room look reallybright. I could see that it was

(39:29):
dusty all over again. How couldthat be when I'd literally been on my
knees cleaning up just the day before. It wasn't just that, though,
When I looked at the floor Icould see footprints in the dust. I
thought at first they must be fromme searching the rooms from the night before.
Yet as I stared at it,I saw that all the footprints they

(39:52):
were going in different directions, notforward in one trail. As I looked
more closely, I thought they lookedlike there were different sizes and of different
shoe prints. Then the front doorbellrang. The furniture charity shop workers were
here, and I had to letthem in, even though I'd only just
gotten up and looked a total mess. People who always late get a bad

(40:14):
reputation, but I swear to youit's the people who were always early.
They're the ones who are the realtrouble. Two much less old men who
looked in better shape for it,ARide and started to grab the remaining furniture.
I had planned to help them bybringing some things down from upstairs,
but I wasn't in the mood forit, and frankly they shouldn't have surprised

(40:34):
me before breakfast. I let themget on with it and had the first
fag of the day. I didn'tget too hormone all this time, with
the last of Mums things going,perhaps because I was more psychologically prepared for
it, although maybe because it wasthe personal effects that seemed to define her,
which had already been moved out,could also have been the fact that

(40:55):
I was in a bad mood.I wanted for it to be all over
so badly. After they'd gone,the volume of the echo was dialed up
more. I could hear every footstepbounce from room to room. I looked
down, and thanks to the charityguys, there really were countless footsteps across
the floor. So whatever I thoughti'd seen earlier, I couldn't tell now

(41:17):
whether it really been like that orI'd just made some mad mistake. I
had some breakfast for I'd toast becausethere were no appliances. Now I had
to get the mop and the clothsback out to clean up the floor again.
But it wasn't just the floor.Dust was back on the shelves,
the window ledges, and the mantelpiece. I couldn't understand it. There was

(41:42):
only me here now. I knewI'd already cleaned these places, How could
it still be everywhere? Decided toleave the rest for later. It might
not show up in the estate agent'sphotos anyway. But the weather was okay,
so I thought I'd take the opportunityto clean the windows at least.
I'd been putting it off, andnot just because of the weather, but

(42:02):
because it would mean going up aladder and didn't like heights very much.
I'd been lent one from Rachel's uncle, and it wasn't as scary as it
might have been. It had theselegs that extended out to the sides that
helped me secure it against the ground. I extended it and carefully put the
top end just under the upstairs smallbedroom window. I pushed the feet into

(42:24):
the grass and extended the side legsso they could rest on the solid ground
of the patio. With my bucketsand cloth at the ready, I checked
again that it was firmly in place, and then deep breath, I started
to climb, except that the bucketwas too heavy, so I tipped most
of it onto the grass and triedagain. I climbed up slowly, and

(42:47):
once I got to the top,I gave the window a few passes with
my sponge, cleaning it with slow, careful strokes, and then I had
to go back down again because Ikneaded the squeegee and the dry towel there
had to be a better way ofdoing this. I thought about using a
backpack, but I'd have been tooafraid of reaching behind me and losing my

(43:07):
balance. One window was done,which in itself was a relief. I
went back down to reposition the ladderto clean the next one. Along bedroom
window where I was sleeping. Iwent up the ladder and sponge the window
down. I had ingeniously stuffed thesqueegee down my trousers. I slid the

(43:28):
bucket down my arm and held theladder with that hand while I used the
squeegee with the other. I reachedup, put the rubber edge against the
window, pulled it down, andbehind the soapy water, I revealed a
face, I should say the outlineof a face. I could see a
head and some shoulders, and somelong hair draped over them, but there

(43:50):
was no face, no eyes staringat me. But it was definitely looking
at me. How could it notbe. It startled me, which made
me loosen my grip on the ladder. I overreacted then and threw my arms
through the wrungs. The squeegee fellto the ground. The bucket spilled soapy
water all over me. It wasuncomfortably pressed between my chest and the ladder.

(44:13):
I looked back into the window.The blank face was still there,
and as I watched, two newfaces appeared, standing on either side,
two more gray outlines peering out atme. I let the bucket drop,
and with my heart racing wildly,I carefully took each step to the bottom
of that ladder, slowly making myway down, and when I got there,

(44:36):
I just collapsed, fell back onthe lawn, breathing desperately, painfully,
letting some moments pass, I daredto sit back up and look up
at the window. I couldn't seeanything because of the glare from the sunlight.
I didn't know what to do atthat moment. I was too scared
to go inside, but I hadnowhere else I could go. There was

(45:00):
no way to get in front ofthe house without going through it. I
stuck my head through the open patiodoor and shouted, who's there? What
you want? I couldn't hear anyanswer, and after about ten minutes of
freaking out and not knowing what todo, I decided to walk very quietly
back in. Something very strange wasgoing on here. The floor was still

(45:24):
dusty. I didn't know how thatcould possibly be. I went to the
bottom of the stairs and looked up. I could just go walk out the
door and leave, but I couldn'treally leave without my phone and it was
charging in my room. Hello,I shouted up, No answer except for
that awful echo. I needed myphone or how else could I get someone

(45:47):
to come and pick me up?I walked slowly up the stairs, with
the sound of each creaking step carrying. I arrived at the top and looked
across the landing. I could seestraight into that room where the figures had
stood, and it was empty.I could see clouds of dust hanging in

(46:09):
the air. I could see thesoapy water still on the window outside,
but not the figures. I knewi'd seen, was absolutely sure I had
not imagined. I went and saton the end of my bed, trembling,
not knowing what to do. Whatcan you do when you start seeing
things and hearing things? Call upa hospital and ask them to get a

(46:30):
straight jacket ready. The bed sheetswere covered in dust. Now so was
my phone. It started to ring. I could barely see the screen's light
through the layer of gray. Itwas Rachel. She could tell by my
tone that something was wrong. What'sgoing on? She asked, hardly knew

(46:53):
how to say it. I thinkI saw someone? What I think I
saw someone in the house, butI'm not sure. I can't find them.
There's dust everywhere. I tried totell her everything, but the more
I tried, the more stupid andcrazy I sounded. If you say it,

(47:13):
I believe you, she said,what do you want to do?
I don't know. Maybe I'm imaginingit all. It's really confusing. I
was crying now, for God's sake, I think you should just go let
me come pick you up from somewhere. But it's probably nothing. Doesn't make
sense. I'm probably working myself upover nothing, going off the fucking deep

(47:37):
end. If you don't feel safe, you should leave, call an uber,
go to somewhere and I can driveup after work and get you.
No, I don't want you todo that. I'm being silly. You're
not being silly. Trust yourself.I looked around down the hall, across

(47:59):
the lend. There was so muchdust in the air. I just want
to get it finished. I felta prickle in my throat. If I
can just make it through the night, i'll be done tomorrow. You don't
have to you don't have to putyourself through this. I want to just

(48:19):
I was coughing, I was allthe dust that the air was thick with
it. I'm coming over. Idon't want you to be put out.
God, damn it, You're notmy burden. I want to be there
for you. I could hardly speak. Are you all right? She cried.
I held the phone away from mymouth. I didn't want her to

(48:42):
hear me making such a noise.I'm coming over there, and that's final.
I tried to answer, but Icouldn't. I was struggling to breathe.
Please say something, Josie. Istood and felt intensely light headed.
I fell down, landed on myknees. The phone slipped from my fingers.

(49:04):
I wanted to get up, butI felt too dizzy. I could
hear Rachel shouting for me. Iheard footsteps. I looked down the hall
and I saw the figures more grayoutlines, marching up the stairs. I
gasped. I felt dust coat theback of my throat. I started to

(49:24):
wretch, started to choke, andlike a flash, it all went dark.
I passed out. It happened somewherenear the end. Mum would go
through these spells of complete confusion.She didn't understand where she was or what

(49:45):
was going on. She'd get distressedand I'd have to try and calm her
down. When it was really bad. And it got really bad, she
wasn't even sure who I was.She literally didn't recognize me when I said
I was her door. She saidher daughter was just a child. One
of those times, she lasted outand scratched the side of my face when

(50:07):
I was trying to help her intobed. I was shocked and hurt,
not just physically, it was kindof traumatic. I was sat on the
end of the bed crying. Mumhad seemed to bury herself in the sheets
after I thought she might have justdrifted back to sleep. She'd been so

(50:28):
quiet, but slowly I became awarethat she was crying too. She cried
out and said, oh God,it's all been a mistake. It's all
gone wrong. I got everything sowrong. Mum was such a shrinking violet,
and she was so weak in thosefinal days. It was so unusual

(50:50):
for her to raise her voice andspeak like that, I've let everybody down.
She was hitting her head back againstthe pillow. I let you all
down. No Mum, I cried, you haven't. I should have done
better, I should have done moreto protect you. I just wanted things
to be all right, how Ialways wanted them to be. I wanted

(51:15):
to have my family and for itto be all perfect. And I'm sorry
it went wrong. I'm sorry,Josie. She was bawling. I was
balling too. Mum, No,I said, hurrying to the top of
the bed. I'm so sorry,sweetheart. I let everybody down stop saying

(51:37):
that. I wish I could puteverything right. But I had just one
wish. If I could have anything, I would try to put it all
right. I lay in bed withher that night. She cried herself to
sleep like a child. But thenthe next morning she seemed to have forgotten

(51:57):
all about it. We went onlike normal, as if she'd never said
a word. I awoke coughing,spitting out clumps of dust like a cat
coughing up hair balls. The soundof footsteps, thousands of footsteps. I
could feel them vibrate across the floorboards. The floor was caked in dust.

(52:20):
There was dust in my eyes.I was covered in it, my skin
and clothes completely coated. When Isat up, I left a body shaped
outline on the floor. It wasstick in the air, It was everywhere.
There were so many figures. Theroom was packed with their strange outlines.
Aimlessly, they wondered, walking acrosseach other, through each other,

(52:43):
one outline, morphing into the next, and then passing through and into the
next outline. The whispering, theincessant sound of their talking, it was
all I could hear, this endless, ceaseless, unfathomable chatter. I wasn't
sure if they could see me.They all seemed lost and confused. But
then one of the shapes seemed towalk up to me and stare me right

(53:07):
in the face. The whispers gotlouder. It was like a thousand snakes
hissing at once. I pushed throughthe blank staring outline, and through a
dozen others. As I made forthe shape of the door and felt my
way through, I was coughing again. I could barely see anything. The
dust was in my eyes, blurringmy vision and making them water. It

(53:30):
was like finding your way through thedensest fog. I felt the floor disappear
beneath me. I'd walked right overthe stairs. I managed to grab the
handrail and stop myself and falling toohard. I landed on my side halfway
down and slid to the bottom,landing on my knees. I twisted my
ankle bad, but I couldn't thinkabout that. I was finding it so

(53:53):
hard to breathe. I had toget outside, but I could feel that
the dust covered figures. They weregathering around me, staring down at me.
I got myself awkwardly onto my feet. They seemed to drift closer.
I wanted to run through the crowdto the front door, but I could

(54:13):
barely stand. Limping and feeling theway ahead, I moved through the clouds
of staring people. I crashed intothe back door and slammed my hand down
on the handle. I shoved myway through and fell down on the patio,
propped up on my hands and feet. I coughed and coughed and coughed
slowly. I tried my best tobring clean air into my lungs. Then

(54:37):
I lay down on the ground.There were tears in my eyes. I
was just shaking, trying to breathesteadily take in the air. I could
hear the voices in the background,like an enormous swell, arising and falling
sound waves of agitated noise. Icould still hear no words, but the

(55:00):
sound made me sense confusion, anger, frustration. Don't ask me how I
knew, I just felt it.I noticed that there was someone standing over
me. I could see their feet. Their outline was so much stronger.
And as my eyes watered and thedust washed out, I realized that I

(55:21):
recognized those shoes, and those tights, and those ankles. A voice so
familiar, so soothing, said tome, sweetheart, you must bring this
to an end. I was tooscared to even look up, never mind
speak. Tell them you'll give itback, she said, they'll go,

(55:44):
they'll leave you alone. I raisedmyself up into a crawling position, and
I look behind me, through theback doors and the back windows, through
all the upstairs windows too, Icould see hundreds of figures staring at me.
Tell them, sweetheart, tell themyou'll give it back. Then it

(56:06):
can all be over. With tearsrunning down my face and my voice trembling,
I said, I'll give it back. I took a deep breath,
put myself into a seated position,closed my eyes, and screamed, I'll
give it back, whatever you want, I'll give it back. The hissing

(56:27):
whispers got louder. I found ithard to listen. I opened my eyes,
the outline of my mother was gone. The whispers grew higher in pitch,
becoming more tense, and when Ilooked back once more, I saw
them all suddenly collapse. A cloudof powder drifted to the floor, and
like a tornado, the masses ofdusty remains rushed out the back door,

(56:52):
like smoke billowing from a chimney,only so much faster. The cloud blew
over me. I covered my earsto protect my head from their shrieking sound.
I was kicking and screaming. WhenRachel found me, I was freezing
cold. I'd been out there forhours. It was the day after the

(57:15):
day Mum died, and I thoughtI was all cried out, But when
her nurse handed me the ring,which she'd uncovered from somewhere, I started
all over again. I felt embarrassedand ashamed, and her telling me I
shouldn't didn't really help. I wastrying to explain that I wasn't crying because

(57:36):
my mum had died. I wascrying because of the fucking injustice of it
all. Mum's pathetic life, Lilian'scallousness, the fucking ring. I did
everything to look after her well,Lillian, who did nothing and didn't care.
She took advantage and made her promiseto give her the ring, and
Mum just let her walk all overher again, like she let everyone walk

(58:00):
all over her. But your motherwas brave, brave, my mother.
Your mother stared death in the face. She stayed strong right until the end.
Believe me, I've looked after otherpeople who have been dying. Your
mother was one of the most calmand composed out of all of them.

(58:22):
She went through one of the hardestthings anyone can go through. She was
good at pretending everything was all right, I said, harshly, bitterly.
She was good at denying any truththat was right in front of her.
She was a good woman. Shebegan and she drew strength from you.
She reached across the table and puther hand on mine. She wasn't strong

(58:45):
enough to stand up to Lilian,I said, cheerlishly, just to contradict
her. The nurse squeezed my hand. There is nothing your mother wouldn't have
done for you. You stayed withher right until the end. That was
brave. That took courage, courage. Your sister could never understand. It's

(59:06):
so fucking unfair, all of it. She didn't deserve to die like this,
to have such terrible people in herlife. I know, I know
she said life isn't fair, butyou know what, I believe. I
knew she was going to say it. Before she said it, I had
only seconds to brace myself. Ibelieve that everything happens for a reason.

(59:30):
All I wanted to do was scream. It was just over a week after
I left the house. I wassitting across from Lilian in the beer garden
of a Toby carvery. She wastrying on the ring. It's just as
beautiful as I remember, she said, inspecting it at arm's length. She

(59:52):
looked at her husband, who wason his phone, realizing she was expecting
him to say something. He lookedup and said, yeah, it looks
nice, and then went back tohis screen. Did you find anything else
down there, she asked. Itold her that I'd found it under a
loose floorboard. She wanted to knowif I'd found any other valuables. No,

(01:00:14):
just that, I said, sostrange, you only just found it
right now. I couldn't tell ifshe was being suspicious or not, I'd
damn well given it to her,hadn't I What did it matter now?
Did they ever call back with anotheroffer? No, I answered, that's
a shame. We can get abetter price for it than that. She

(01:00:37):
stood up. Are you all right? You're even less talkative than normal.
I'm fine? Is it? Theleg had a small fracture at the top
of my tibier. I'm not inpain or anything. It'll be okay soon.
I have to go to the bathroomand then head off all my best
to Rachel. Rachel was actually waitingfor me inside. I hobble over there

(01:01:00):
on my crutches and sat down oppositeher in a booth by the window.
She got right up and walked overto my side and put her arm around
me. You're doing the right thing, she said, putting her head on
my shoulder. Fuck the right thing, I thought, but kept it to
myself. I wondered if Rachel thoughtI was mad, and I wasn't sure

(01:01:24):
that she'd be wrong. The wholestory made more sense if I had some
kind of breakdown. I'd been angryfor weeks. I watched her and a
stupid empty suit husband through the windowas they walked to their car. I
felt like I'd never win against them, that the whole world was balanced in
favor of the most awful, selfishpeople, and that the rest of us

(01:01:45):
were doomed to live with our selfpity and shame. The liars and cheats
and selfish scumbags always end up ontop. But as she was about to
get inside that car, I sawher husband stop her. She stood up
straight as he ran his hands acrossher shoulders, brushing something off. He

(01:02:06):
started to do it harder. Irealized he was trying to beat the dust
out of her coat. I satup, suddenly, giving Rachel a start.
I slid closer to the window,putting my face right up to the
glass. They'd both gotten into thecar, and I watched as it pulled
out of the car park and drovetowards the exit, bringing them closer to

(01:02:28):
the window. As they came past, I saw behind them, sitting in
the back seat a gray outline ofa figure. It seemed to have long
hair but no face. I sawit turn and look at me as the
car drove by and on to themain road. It turned out that I'd

(01:02:51):
misunderstood what Mumm had said to me. She said I had to bring it
all to an end, and thatif I gave it back, it would
all be over. It took afew days, but finally I understood Mum
had done what she'd wanted, She'dput things right, and she'd set me
free. I always used to jokethat Lilian would choke to death on her

(01:03:15):
own bullshit. One day, Iwas nearly right, and I didn't feel
any guilt, not any guilt atall. Thank you for listening to the
New Ghost Stories podcast. If you'veenjoyed the podcast and want to support what

(01:03:38):
I do, please like, comment, or leave a review on any platform
and subscribe to hear future releases.You can also support the show by becoming
a patron and visiting Patreon dot comslash New ghost Stories. The show is
written and produced by me, DavidPaul Nixon. If you like to read
more from me, visit my substackNewgo Stories dot substack dot com, and

(01:04:01):
you can also find me on Instagram, threads mastered on Facebook, and the
website formerly known as Twitter at NewgoStories. Next Time on the Newgo Stories
podcast. They really are out toget you, and they're already in your home