Non-Compliant Podcast Episode 54: The One with the Secret to Resolving Conflict and Diffusing Tension

In Non-Compliant Podcast Episode 54, Jay Edelson, nationally recognized plaintiff’s attorney and founder of Edelson PC, hosts renowned mediator Hesha Arbams. During this episode, Jay and Hesha discuss the best tactics for solving big problems with big personalities through the lens of Hesha’s book, Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Diffusing Tension.

The episode starts with Jay sharing that he agrees with 75% of Hesha’s book, a high rating from him. Hesha responds by sharing why she wrote her book: she handles the most difficult conversations in the world and she wanted to make her expertise accessible to people handling conflict at any level (2:30).

Early on, Jay says the best negotiators find the common ground between the parties’ arguments. Hesha adds, in her experience, no one ever changes their mind when they are being bombarded with facts and being told how wrong they are. Rather, people change their mind when you can start slowly and ease into the argument (7:30). The key to knowing where to start? Diagnosing the motivators (10:20). Jay jumps in to clarify that facts and law matter, however, it's how you approach these facts that makes the difference. Hesha counters that it’s all about perspective and being open to hearing other sides helps you create your own opinion (11:35).

Later, Hesha cracks open the secret to getting what you want: give people three options. It sounds simple, but she explains that if you give people three choices, one too high, one too low, and one right in the middle, then 85% of people will choose the middle option, identifying themselves as “moderate” and “reasonable.” By putting your preferred choice in the middle, you've then done what Hesha calls “framing” and you’ve won over most of your audience (16:20). What do you do when even this doesn’t work? Both Jay and Hesha suggest flipping a coin (20:00).

Hesha drops another truth bomb about negotiation by explaining that people are often in what she calls “the fog of war” when negotiating. When in this state, which lasts for about 20 minutes, Hesha claims people are less able to be reasonable and the number one way to calm them down is through validation (24:00). She then gives advice for how to disrupt the argument cycle and insert validation exactly when you need it (27:00).

Near the end of the episode, Hesha talks about people thinking emotionally and that 80-90% of people in arguments aren’t trying to win, they are trying not to lose, thus changing the approach entirely. Hesha closes out the podcast by reflecting on her own moral compass and what motivates her to solve conflict professionally (33:50).

Connect with Hesha Abrams:
Website: https://www.heshaabramsmediation.com/
Buy her book: https://www.holdingthecalm.com/

Connect with Jay:
Twitter: https://twitter.com/jayedelson
Edelson PC Profile: https://edelson.com/team/jay-edelson/

Connect with us:
Website: https://www.edelsoncreative.com/#podcast
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/edelsonlaw
Twitter: https://twitter.com/EdelsonCreativeLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/edelson-pc