132 - Fred Allen - The Laziest Man In The World - 04-03-1940

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Episode Transcript

(00:31):
All right, everybody, welcome backto old time radio comedy. Today we
hear from the Fred Allen Show witha program titled The Laziest Man in the
World. Now, I have tosay that this audio file had been edited
before I was able to get myhands on it, and there's some musicals,

(00:53):
some songs that were sloppily chopped offand cut out and stuff. So
the program today ends before it finishes, so we don't actually get to hear
the entirety of this program. Itjust cuts off. And that's not my
fault. That's the way that thisaudio file was, the way that I

(01:15):
received it. But anyways, I'mgoing to go ahead and let you hear
what does remain intact of this program. Sit back and enjoy from Fred Allen,
The Laziest Man in the World,which aired April third of nineteen forty.

(01:42):
Thank you, and now before theLittle Man with the jingle Bells places
nocturnal lablegado, May I remind you, ladies and gentlemen, the next week
we bring you skiing advice. WhenI'm coming down a hill and once ski
flies off, what shall I builtthere? You will do it? Your

(02:04):
song of the week, Harry HellNow, but you've left me hand a
for you remember watch it lawright?That's careless, not careless, isn't it?
A frainance company just grabbed me toprey. Brother. I'm hell you're
telling guys, and now I guesswill be Mister David Ludmir a guide at

(02:24):
the Statue of Liberty? Is missLiberty's right arm tired? Who is she
carrying the torch? For tune innext week and save a trip down New
York Harbor? Or take a tripdown New York Harbor and save tuning in
to prove the truth of this oldmaxim. A man who poisted a sixty
minute peccadillo on America lasked Wednesday night, returns to the scene of his crime

(02:47):
tonight He's fed Allen in person.Thank you, thank you, and good
evening, ladies and gentlemen. Andnow before we start, Harry, I
wish you wouldn't indulge in that oralexhibitionism you seem to be so given too

(03:07):
lately. In the future, kindlydispense with that Park Avenue Billingsgate in my
introduction, if you will, whome and you you Harry, the man
who foisted a sixty minute peccadillo.What is that? Peccadillo? Peccadillo,
Oh, Brad, any school boyknows what peccadillo means. Don't start dragging
the national youth movement and it is. I am asking you. What does

(03:31):
the word mean. Peccadillo, Yes, peccadillo, all of it. Well,
uh, it's a verb. It'sa verb, man to peccadillo.
Hi, peccadillo. You peccadillo.He pecadillo. We peccadillo. Luck,
you know what, No, don'thave had the part you stopped me.

(03:53):
You know what mister Wells said tohis son Harry. No, what did
mister Wells say? Quit us intheir round? Okay? Now you went,
and I'll tell you I was onlykidding. Pegadillo. Pecadillo is from
the Greek peck, meaning to peckis a woodpecker pecks or four pecks make

(04:13):
a bushel. Or it sometimes usedas in that song peck off your troubles
in your old kids, peck awright, all right, all right,
up to now you're one hundred percent. That's peck. Now what about a
dillo? Oh? Well, ais just as in vitamin A, that's
right, or as in one ofsome a as in one of some Yeah,

(04:33):
a is the singular. For instance, you have a lot of apples,
you have some apples, you haveone apple, you have a apple.
You have an apple. Yeah,that doesn't come out with apples,
doesn't. No, Now you there, you better dig up another fruit.

(04:56):
Don't tell me. I'll work it. Oh, I've got it, fred,
I can do it with no kidding. Yeah. Look, you highly
that it can be done with Prulland Bruce Bruns are an on him and
on a forty cent dinner. Imean they're rarely died. I didn't now.
They told me that prunes were raisinswith inflammatory rheumatism. But that is

(05:18):
that you will bring you bring anotherjoke in here from the Bernie Show.
I won't let I won't let Berniein here now. I don't want his
jokes in here. I got twodollars from the My stroke for that.

(05:38):
Yeah, well he probably came inlike a horse. He probably paid off
on well tread. All I wantto do is is pecadillo. I got
up to this, all right.You have a lot of prune. Yeah,
you have some proof. Yeah,you have one prune. You have

(05:59):
a proof. All right, You'vegot peck and a Now what about dillo,
Well, dillo is easy. That'swhat you do to pickles. Your
dillo the pickle. And according toyou, mister funk, take a dillo,
I'm leaving wagons out of this.According to you, take adillo is
pecking at a prune and doing itto a pickle. Well, that's that's

(06:25):
the way it seems to come out. And that's I'm gonna lay you.
How about starting the program, fellaws, what's holding you guys? Thought this
program gravity? For one thing,this program is not starting until mister Vonzel,
mister Vansteinen, and to mister Vonzel, quit using words on this program
that he obviously doesn't understand. Whatword did you use, Harry pickadillo pete?

(06:46):
Oh you mean like in that songwhat pecado pek is tweet tweet peet
no, no no, and heleads the orchestra. Yeah, you can
imagine what's going on mentally behind thoseinstruments. He's dead. I would like,
man, Steven, I would liketo see you and Phil Harris match

(07:09):
wits. That would be the depthof nothing. A witch cree, as
it were. Phil Harris is aMoran, a Moran, yet he calls
it a maroon. There are twoschools of thought. You should know you're

(07:30):
closer to it than they have heardit. You have the audacity to call
Phil Harris a moran, and youdon't even know what the word pecadillo means.
Oh yeah, get this, stupid. Pecadillo is a noun. It's
malattin pecketto, meaning sin. Pecadillois a small sin, a slighter fence,
a petty fall. Can you handleit? Alan? Not with no

(07:53):
gloves? No, I have thatone that finishes me. I give a
about a fan fare our anything buta piccadillo. As we turn to the
latest news of the week, ipanand News presents the world in review.
Philadelphia, PA. The United StatesDistrict Court judge rules that workers can sue

(08:18):
their employers in federal courts for wagesdue under the wage our Law. In
first decision of its kind rendered inthis country. Judge further rules that workers
have a legal right to inspect thebooks of the employer. Should employees be
allowed to inspect employers' books? IcananNews questions legal minds and white collar workers

(08:39):
first a disparre exjudicial power. JudgeTaught says the status calls the employer in
this ruling is non obstantive edictor awrit of vandimus might missie up his priers,
but prossing is no could only resultin a flagrant lick time or as
these are Preme Court reasons, they'reold of all. Irvis to gaily,

(09:05):
that explains everything, and thanks alot, saying oh judge, by the
way, what bench are you sittingon today? The second is you enter
central pot. I'll join you witha client later in the evening. A
faction a factory girl who doubts thegirl employees will derive benefits from recent court

(09:28):
ruling is miss Pansy Turk. Nowdo you do you think examining the boss's
books is going to help the womenworkers? Mister Nah, to me,
it looks like only a little pitfallfor their waiting girl. Imm my god,
you're on your guard, are you? You haven't been embarrassed personally,

(09:48):
have you? Well? Yeah,if you want to pin me downar say
yeah, I'm sorry to hear that. Where do you? Where do you
work? And an ice cream factory, I'm a two fruity evener, a
tooty fruity even eh. Yeah,when they make a brick of toty fruity

(10:09):
ice cream. Sometimes there's more totythan fruity in it. I didn't know.
Other times it's more fruity than totty. And then you go up.
Yeah, I gotta go around makinga fifty fifty half tody and half fruity.
Imagine it's nice work if you canget Now, what about the boss's
books. Well, every night,by the time I even me Toti's and

(10:33):
me Fruity's and lick off my fingers, the other girls is gone. Oh,
and you are the last one outof the factory except the boss.
He's always in the office, shakingout his twope, getting ready to go
home. He says good night.Of course, for two years he's been
giving me the ban joe. Whythe vega cornea, he's been giving it.

(10:54):
Yeah, but I just give himone of them frustrated farm looks and
keep right on going. He hasnever he has never invited you into his
office. He ain't never had noexcuse. Then this rule in his past
giving the employee the right to lookover the employer's books. Yeah, the

(11:15):
very next night, I see theboss has got his two pay on iley.
He's waiting for me at the officedoor. Yeah, I don't say
nothing. I even the last torefruiting. Yeah, I let me fingers
down to the last pinky. Yeah. I put on the Princess Eugenie hat
with the convertible snood. Yes.I'm just starting for the door. And

(11:39):
the boss says, miss Time,would you like to come in and speck
my books? I wheels on him, and I says, you take care
of your figures, mister Belcher,I'll take care of mine With that,
I stumped out the door. Well, that's the worst of having short legs.

(12:03):
Thank you, and thank you missus. Pansey ter an employer who is
able to thwart employees who might wantto inspect his books. Mister Newton Kel,
how do you work it? MisterKell? I got assist them.
Well, that explains everything. Theinterview is practically over, isn't it.
Well what is your enterprise? Igot a clean shutting business, the Ethnicue

(12:24):
clan shutting accepted high tight incorporate.And how many men do you employ?
I got ten men shutting inside andforty picking nuts. You are more going
on outside, really than there isin it, isn't you are? You've

(12:45):
been having a little trouble have you. Yeah, clan shuts looking number twos
making are pretty hot for me?Well how do you mean? Well,
first they wanted a close shop.Now how can I open claims in a
close st It's impossible. Yeah,and the assistant clan shuckers want more money.
That's the last straw, a calamity, as it were? What them?

(13:07):
What what happened? Well? Theman says, we want to look
through your books. Keil I says, I ain't got no books. I
got all the figures in my head. You're doing a small business, about
six and seven days business? Andwhat did he? What did the man
do? They? When out comeback with a mind reading determined to get

(13:33):
at your books. Huh Yeah.The mind reader picks up me head and
starts reading it. Yes, ittakes one look, puts me head back
down and says, man, thisguy is unbalanced and not those read books.
Still, what's that? They allgoes out, and then then what
happened? But the mind reader comesback in and I give him the ten

(13:56):
bucks? What ten bucks? Well, when the mind reader was reading me
mind I get I threw him athought, Yeah what was the thought?
It was? Hit him out shutbetter, and I'll give you ten bucks.
He got your message and the tenbucks. Thank you, mister Newton.
Call if employees in some businesses theman who examine employers' books, they

(14:16):
may soon change their attitudes. I'vekind of news shows what may happen when
an employee gets a look at hisboss's books. The scene the office of
the Timkin toothpick company. An employeeis talking to mister Timkin, the president.
The employee says, I've been workingfor you for twenty years, mister
Timkin, and I gotta have arise. I'm Sally Jones. The business

(14:37):
won't stand it. I got mylegal rights that they're can let me see
your books very well. Here's mystatement of the past year. Jones gross
income eighty two thousand dollars. Ohwhy my gross expenses, wages, taxes,
etc. Et cetera, et cetera, one hundred and thirty seven thousand
dollars. And you're not profit.You and I are propping job. From

(15:00):
now on, I will have noheadaches. I'll get your twenty two dollars
a week. And am my presidentof the company is Jones. I'm giving
you the business the business right andwhen I say I'm giving you the business.
I'm giving you the business. Thankyou, and our ladies and gentlemen,
me Merry Max assembled to sing forus. Wait till the sun shines,

(15:24):
Nellie. Yeah, don't look now, don't look now, But I
think spring is really here. Hedgehogs, robins, another flora and fauna are
giddy. Hobbinger's a spring at first, but it takes the circus to make

(15:48):
it official. And that great AmericanInstitution opens here in New York day after
tomorrow. Yeah, are you going, Fred? Or am I going?
Say? I've got to feed allthose elephants, Harry, I've got to
weat up all that pop on andI have got to get another look at
the vanishing Americans. Oh you meanthe Indians, No, Harry, those
fellows who say, if all onthe Big show stars, step up close

(16:11):
into the platform and feast your eyeson the most or inspiring, spectacular,
gigantic hick me in the world.You mean the Parkers, correct, Harry.
That is a style of elocution thatalways gets me, say, even
when I used to hear fellows sellingstuff on the street. Remember, Harry,

(16:32):
I'll step up, step up,polks and get you with a wax,
the one under worker, remove spotsfrom rugs, walls and high shelled
cats, orphans honesses and repair sursingles. There is nothing in the home,
barn or chicken coop that can't befixed with little wax, the one
the worker, Get away, boys, you bother me, I tell you,
Harry, I am certainly sorry tosee those fellows disappearing. Yes,

(16:52):
well, they were colorful enough bred, but I think the day of exaggerated
claims has passed. People nowadays aresmarter about those things than they used to
be. They won't fact Sevenden's true, and that's why more and more people
every day are turning to sparklings ofa publica thank you? What was that
last sound, Peter? Somebody fallon their head in the band? What

(17:14):
was that? Adelle? Sickening rawhide? Third there, Peter and the boys
have just played limehouse Blues. Nowbefore presenting our guest, I was hello,
Hello, what's oh Portland? HelloPortland? Hello? I just came
up to invite you downstairs. Nokidding? What's going on downstairs? A
big party? They finally finished buildingRockefeller Setter and they're having a housewarming.

(17:40):
A housewarming? How can they havea housewarming in fourteen buildings at the same
time. What are they doing settingfire to a vice president and letting it
run through the hall? Well,I don't know, but tell me now
that it's finished. What do youthink of Rockefeller scent? Oh, it's
all right if you like buildings.Yes, that's take away the buildings and

(18:03):
what have you got another parking space? Rocker Fellacenta is really a triumph of
mind over mortar. They had itin. They made me take it out
This afternoon would have been a terrificlast have you seen the trees they're planning
on sixth Avenue? Trees? Yes, they took down the l to put

(18:25):
up the l You know, halfof the people don't bother to the line
the bother We have an entertaining lineon the next page. Have you know
of putting doug about the trees onsixth Avenue? Half of the people who

(18:48):
use sixth Avenue don't even know whattrees are. They think the lamp posts
are blooming. Yes, both NewYorkers don't know much about nature. Well,
how do you know. Well,a policeman showed me a robin and
a tree today. He thought itwas a bloodshot Sparrow. I saw a

(19:11):
little dog running along Stixst Avenue.He came to one of those new trees.
The dog sat down and rubbed hiseares. He thought it was a
mirr from a picture of the samename. She was always changes. Jeff
Benny won't know New York when hegets here. That's right. He'll be

(19:33):
here in a couple of weeks too. Well, that's good news for the
mayor. Ben. He's all wet. He'll help the water shortage. Isn't
Jack's picture opening at the Paramount prettysoon? I imagine? So? I
saw the Daily News picture critics splittinga star this morning. Enough about the

(20:00):
wal Keegan wastetro. Who is ourguest? Well, yesterday I passed the
Empire State Building. I saw allthose windows and got to wondering who washed
them all? Cortland, don't tellme that our guest tonight. Yeah,
he's the head window cleaner at theEmpire State Building. Good do you think
he'll go over my glasses while he'shere? You'll have to ask him,

(20:26):
mister Allen Nat, mister Richard HartWell, good evening, mister Hart,
good evening. Fred. You arethe window cleaner or casement mansule at the
Empire State Building. Mister Hart,Yes, Fred, and how long have
you been associated with the world's tallestbuilding in your perilous capacity? Ever since
it was built nine years ago?The Empire State Building is only nine years

(20:49):
older. It's large for its age, isn't there you'd think sold Freddy had
to wash the windows? Tell mehow long? That's a little courtesy we
extend to guess, mister Hart.Their line may get a laugh. We
always wait. We have a tellme how how does it? How does

(21:14):
how tell? How does a personget into your profession? Mister Hart?
How did you start? For example? Will you just allergic to the ground
or did someone die and leave youa squeegee? No, Fred, I
used to be a coal miner.Things got bad and I had to find
another job. I finally got intowindow Washington. Or do you prefer it

(21:34):
to mining? Yes, Fred,I like it better outdoors. That's fine,
Stad. You never can tell.If you fall off of the Empire
State Building, you'll be back miningagain. But tell me how many skyscraper
primpers do you have on your staff? Down there? There are eight men

(21:56):
beside myself, Fred. They're workingteams of two and how many windows can
each man clean a day, aboutseventy five. That's one hundred and fifty
for each team. With four teamsgoing, that's around six hundred windows being
cleaned today. And how many windowsare there in the Empire state six thousand,
five hundred. They're all pained aboutonce every ten days, the same
as a horse player. A manwho plays horses gets cleaned about every ten

(22:25):
days too. Although they tell mewith a parley you can make it in
four days. Something isn't bathing thoseroom monocles a risky business, mister Hart.
There's berylot of rest today bred withthe safety boat we use. Well,
what is your routine on a windowjob? Now? Let us say
you get a call from the eightyfirth or eighty firth floor. That's a

(22:47):
number I made the eighty first floor. Someone in an airplane shakes out his
fountain pen and it smudges mister Rascov'swindow, which isn't being done down there.
You report for action? What isthe first thing you do, mister
Hart? First I examine my safetybelt, cappully. The window ledge is

(23:08):
are less than two inches wide?Two inches wide? Why you'd have more
room to work? On a UBangi's lip. Well an hour val you've
examined the belt. Now what happens? I hook one end of the belt
the window while I'm still inside theroom. Yeah. Then I step out
on the lege and quickly fasten theother end. Ah, that quickly is
the secret of your pert Quickly,I see it all. Now. If

(23:33):
a gush of wind comes up inthe middle of quickly, what's them?
I can blow off one end ofthe belt is strung in us to hold
them in until he can get backup. Dad, it must take nerve
to attempt your work, mister Hort. It's nothing, Fred. You could
let her do it no time.Oh not me? Oh you're you're just
saying that, mister hop Why altitudeis only a word to me? I

(23:59):
get ash getting a piggy bag,my fish. My fear of altitude is
really what keeps me from going upon the cross legs. Tell me,
tell me, mister Hart, whena window washer has perched a thousand feet
up there in the air with hisspine resting on a zephyr, what does

(24:22):
he think about? Nothing in particular? Fred, Well, as you contemplate
the scene below, don't you everfall into a philosophical reverie and despair,
the futile hurly burly of modern existence, and the ironic insignificance of man's futile
functions. No, I just washedmy window. Well, when you're hanging

(24:52):
outside like a I hope you don'tmind uncle Jim holding on to you,
mister Now, we had an eaglehere two weeks ago and he got away,
And since then uncle Jim has beenholding on to all of the guests
stuff, and I all mind it. His hand feels like a skin appulet.

(25:14):
But just don't get now when you'rehanging outside. When when you're hanging
outside audi plays, we've got workto do in that, mister Hart.
When you are hanging outside like abonnac along that Empire state building, you
generally attract the crowd. Yes,sometimes I have quite a mob standing around

(25:34):
looking up with me. Well,those are probably the same people who look
down at excavations in the morning andthen look up at you during the afternoon
to get their next back in play. A studio audience doesn't bother you working,
does it. No, I justkeep on watching bred you do.
Really, I heard you clean up, regardless of the audience, which is

(25:56):
a rare thing. I heard aboutan actor yees ago who got a job
washing windows before. It was beforethe way back, before the safety belts
were invented. And this actor sawa crowd as he was watching washing the
wind. He saw a crowd watchinghim below. And when he finished washing
the window from force of habit,he turned around to take a bow.

(26:18):
Well, he took two more bowswhile he was falling. Wasn't he hit
when he hit the ground? Bread? This actor never hit the ground,
mister Hart. When he reached thefourth floor. The Lambs Club suspended him.
But we stray. Brother. Haveyou had have you had any and

(26:44):
have you had any unusual experiences workingaround the world's tallest building? No,
Fred, but I have seen somefreak weather up around the top floors.
He means some air got out ofRipley's auditorium. They say the They do
say, though, that the buildingis so high he ates a potent upward
draft. Yes, I stepped allin the legs of an open pail of
water one day. Uh huh.The draft suck the water out of a

(27:07):
pail in the waterpot seven stories high. If you are not telling the truth,
mister Hart, that is the wettesttall story I have ever heard.
You know, we've been talking aboutAl Smith's townhouse here, and I haven't
even asked you how the Happy Warrioris these days? Do you ever see
mister Smith while you're working around thebuilding? Yes, I see him nearly
every day. Is he still wearingthat hennah Derby? Not around the office?

(27:30):
Bread? Well, I wonder whereit is. It isn't in the
ring this year. Well, thishas been a pleasant glimpse into your window
washing profession, mister Heart. That'snot a very good blend of hopefully,
excuse you. We just go fromAl Smith's hat into your finish here.
It's a little crudely done cutting itwas we had it nicely before. Well,
this has been a pleasant glimpse intoyour window washing profession, mister Heart.

(27:53):
I certainly do appreciate this little visit. I've been good at Fred and
I hope you're keeping in good conditionfor next summer. I didn't mean Fred.
Well, you may get plenty ofexercises coming summer. Mister Hart,
I hear if you know decides torun for a third term that Al Smith
is going. Thank you writing toChableman, and thank you Winning Gren I'll

(28:18):
thank you if you let me tellabout my new play in new Why,
Harry, a new play I've justfinished writing based on an actual, true
experience. Would you like to hearthe plot? Now? All that,
I'm afraid that won't stop you.No, Well, and this play is
about a young man who was verymuch in love with his wife and son.
Every morning, before he went towork, he always spent a lot
of time playing with the youngster,but one morning he scarcely noticed him at

(28:41):
all. Boy, it sounds likea mystery play, well sort of,
yeah, until we discover the reason. The young man woke up feeling so
headachey, so logi and sluggish thatnothing seemed worth the effort. Boy,
Now it sounds like a tragedy upto a point. Yes it was,
but it has a happy end becausehis wife just put two tea spoonfuls of

(29:03):
Saltha patica and a glass of waterand gave it to him to drink,
And it wasn't long before he feltbrighter and happier and more like his old
normal self. Again, Well,Harry, as an author, you you
probably have a footnote or two chuckedaway somewhere in the manuscript haven't you were
just one? Fred. This ismister and missus average man's round table,

(29:27):
where three persons selected from our studioaudience are invited to give their opinions on
the question that concerned some prominent issueof the day. These little sessions are
entirely unrehearsed. Fred has taking hisplace at the round table where I'm here,
Harry, I'm here already, already, you're all set. Well,
let's go Hell into a chair.Harry from the tee and nervous exhaustin now,

(29:48):
he promptly introduced, Harry. Yes, you're on, you're on.
Oh, thank you, But forhow long? Noboddy? No? Well,
thank you, Harry, and Ideclare the forum here and now to
be officially open. If Portland wouldkindly introduce the first member of our little
board tonight, Yes, mister GeorgeHeppner from Brooklyn, New York. Good
year of Fred. Oh if youbeat me too, and I'm fine,

(30:14):
Thank you, mister Heppner. Ihope this meeting finds you in the same
fine physical Feederal. Well, you'rebeginning to sound like Quinn Camelly at but
only Uncle Jim remembers that act.I couldn't think of anyone quicker. Well,

(30:34):
tell me mister you are from Brooklyn, mister Heppner. I imagine the
first question a person from Brooklyn expectsto, Gee, I've got fifteen tickets
here for this show. I forgotto give to people because you'll go out
and get some more people that comeanswer the show. Because I excuse me,

(30:55):
mister Heppner, he may be ableto dig up or throw fifteen people
out all do either what they takeis I imagine the first question a man
from Brooklyn expects to be asked atthis time of the year is how do
their Dodgers look? It'll be hardto beat, Fred, They'll be hard
to beat. Well, of course, that's what we hear every year.
And then the season opens. Doyou work over in Brooklyn? Do you?

(31:18):
Mister Hefner? May I ask forthe government right now? Fred taking
the censors? Oh you're taking upthe censors, are you? I am,
yes, sir. Well, howare you having any trouble with the
income tax question or some of theothers. There was so much talk about
not at all, Fred, notat all. The people are cooperating one
hundred percent. You don't have achance to You're not permitted to have a
sideline on that job, are younot that I know? I mean,

(31:41):
after you take a person's census,you can't whip out a nake beater or
something. Well, I just wantedto make sure I was interested in it.
But if it's just one job,a guy won't bother. Well,
thank you a lot, mister Hefner. And now to Kylie. Welcome,
And that's Route Young from New YorkCity. Good evening, miss Young,

(32:02):
Good evening. Mister you work herein New York? Do you yes?
I worked for oh, for theGroup Theater. Do you really I heard
that the group was. It's nottrue that the Group Theory is disbanding,
isn't. It absolutely is not.That's what I thought. I heard someplace
that it was, and I hadhoped that it wasn't. They've done so
many wonderful things and brought mister Odetteand so many other clever people to the

(32:27):
attention of the theater going public thatI was hoping they'd continue to carry on
in the same vein for a longtime to come. Well, next year
will be our tenth here, andI think it's going to be our very
best. Well, I certainly hopeit is tell me, have you,
miss Young, have you had yoursenses taken yet? No? Not yet?
You have home very often. Well, mister Hefner is here tonight if

(32:51):
you would like to kill two birdswith one stone. As Confucius said some
years ago, when in a mortarthrowing mood, I think I could prevail
upon mister Heppner to take your sensesyou. Well, I think we better
wait until I get home. Putit off until you get home. It's
perfectly all right with me. Youweren't worried about the danger of a subway

(33:13):
strike, were you a few daysago? No, I wasn't worried at
all. I had a feeling itwill come out of all right. Well
it certainly did, as even asthe flat Bush Express. It always comes
out all right. Thank you alot, Miss Young. And now Portland's
mister Charles the Euro from the BronxNew York leaving mister Euro, may I
ask what you do up in theBronx or you work up their Pardon me?

(33:35):
Yes, I'm the real estate profession. Oh are you really management and
renting? Well that's fine. Inother words, you go around to houses
the same as mister Heppner with thecensus. But you have a different motive.
I mean that you're inspired through theprofit motive to go through the same
work that mister Heppner does. Fulllove and for Uncle sam Well, I

(34:00):
thank you, mister. I guessthat I guess that I'll go Berzerik one
of these nights. I'm gonna UncleJim has got to get a butterfly in
net. I am well, Iguess that rangers that rangers to our question,
folks, Tonight we take up amatter that's been kicked around by parents
and authorities on child behavior for sometime. Random psychologists have sponsored new theories

(34:22):
to guide parents and the proper raisingof children, and some psychologists claim that
spanking is responsible for phobias developed inlater life. How many parents say the
discipline cannot be taught the child unlessspanking is practiced. Uh, I want
to want me to wait till youclear your throat. I'm going to ask

(34:44):
you first. I might as wellclear it's while I'm talking, I mean,
rather than clear while you're talking,and would be less confusing you.
All right now your throat? Allright? Thank you? If you can't
held by looking at me, youneed glasses. Well, our question tonight

(35:04):
is do you think children should bespanked or do you think that more modern
method should be applied to influence thechild's behavior? Now the way I finished,
mister Hebner, Now how you're comingup? Now? Now is your
que How do you feel about spanking? Mister Heppner, You don't you think

(35:29):
that that spanking went out with theIndian and the antima catser. It's an
old fashioned practice that should not beindulged in. That's right against it strong
sure, thank you, mister Heppner. Now, miss Young, how do
you uh we ever spanked as ababy? Mister I shore was very often?
You didn't feel any ill affection laterlife? Well, I don't know,

(35:50):
not as yet. You seem toyou seem to be sitting comfortably right
now. That's fine. Now,miss Young? What is your out on
spanking? I think children should definitelynot be spank particularly in New York City.
Why, Well, it seems tome the city is the important thing.

(36:16):
Why only hamlets and smaller towns shouldengage in the practice. Well,
as far as I know, hamletsand smaller towns don't have anti noise ordinances.
We have very strict women of Yorkand that's why you think on account
of the noise, rather than throughany worry about the after effects and the

(36:38):
child. Yes, well that's agood attitude too, if you're decibel allergic
to decibels. That's one way theyloved at it. Well, thank you,
miss Young And now, mister eurol, how do you feel about spanking?
I don't believe children should be spanked. You don't If a parent were
to take something away from a childthat really interested the child, I think
that that particular type of punishment wouldbe the meanest. The mother took Mickey

(37:01):
Roney away from the child, thatthe child would suffer. You think that
a lot of children like Mickey Roney. I was just thinking offhand, but
you think that In other words,if there were was less spanking in the
country, there would also be lessfewer dead in children. For all.

(37:21):
Well, it seems that it seemsquiet. And how we're late. You
saw the man waving. We're verylate. We've all got to put together
in rush. Now. Our forumstands three to nothing against spanking, which
is sure to die out as theresult of this talk tonight. I can
only say I don't know anything aboutit myself. I can only say repeat.

(37:43):
As advice to parents, I canonly repeat the words of that famous
card player mister Hoyle, who said, if your child is holding three aces,
never try to raise it. Andin this note of utter despair,
the meeting is to adjourn and thankyou all. That's a little thing I

(38:07):
had left over for a week.I played in the roxy circle in the
finale, and now the merry Maxtersing Cecilia, thank you. And now
our own uncle Jim, who getsaround a lot, brings us a young
lady who has just won a beautycontest. That's right, isn't it?

(38:29):
Missed? Ye? Well, Idon't wonder if you don't. You don't
mind if I ask you a fewquestions? Do you well down? Or
tell me? Was this beauty contestheld here in New York? Well,
I'm not wonder south, but Ido think someone might have thought of me
when they were looking for competent judges. Tell me how many girls were in
this contest too? Just too?When I used to look in my mirror,

(38:54):
I always saw a girl. Iwill here a pretty right, The
complexion was all somehow smiles for thepicture sounds pretty discouraging it was, But
then I heard what mister van Zellsaid about it can a toothpaste. So
I thought of you there. Nowwhen I look in my mirror and compare
myself with that other girl, Ijust figured I won't that beuty conduct handed

(39:15):
down well with a smile like youhave now, you couldn't lose, could
she have? Certainly not for now. The mighty allen Od players tonight they
present a si slice of Ozark lifemedium rare. It's called the Laziest Man

(39:36):
in the World, or they saidthe hillbilly had insomnia because he woke up
twice that year past the corn professorin the tiny cabin in the Ozarks.
The famous hillbilly ze Collen first ignoredthe light of day Beste to become the
laziest man in the world. LittleZeke displayed at birth the qualities that were

(39:59):
to bring him Sluggard fame. Theday Little Zeke was born, the veterinarian
picked him up by the heels andspanked him. Did little Zeke go?
No, the lazy little sprat went, and so he continued throughout adolescence.
When Zeke was forty one, hisfamily tried to wake him up to get

(40:20):
him married. The ceremony started thebride said, and Zeke said, And
so they were married. Then camethe war. Zeek Allen answered his country's
call with a resounding I can't.And so he snored on through the years.

(40:45):
As our story starts at his Aprilnineteen forty, Zeke Allen, the
laziest man in the world, marcheson but horizontally. As the scene opens,
seek wife is trying to awaken him. Zee Land sakes, ze quake
up? What's up? Mark?Judgment day? Is it? No?

(41:09):
I'll take judgment dead spring spring?What year? Nineteen party? I told
you not to rouse me mosscept fortwo things, if Gabriel blows his horn,
or if my name comes up inthe pot of gold. Lord,
look at them cobwebs on your toes. Where did you keep your big feet

(41:30):
covered? Ain't fly time? Isit? Huh? And pull your beard
in off on the floor. Yourhead looks like it's growing on a vine.
See first time, I'm hot?Who who shut this zipper in my
windbreaker? Here a field mouse gothis leg caught in it. Yesterday I
scattered him, and you run upyour stomach and closed your zipper. You

(41:52):
ought to put a ferret in bedwith me once a month, mark keep
me from getting so gemy it frankback for your chambermaid. I've never seen
a body so lazy. Well,all as Allan's was lazy. Mar my
paw was too lazy to breathe.Every time Paul laid down, somebody'd bury

(42:12):
it. Paul all this carried apound of raw meat in his pocket.
So it's when he was buried somedog had dig him up. What finally
happened to your pa? One dayPaul went out forgot to take his meat?
Amen, what batchamam? Mars lazyin the paw? I often wonder

(42:32):
what become of Maar lost? TomAll did Jack Well Wens didn't allow Mars
lost. If and you look forsomething you can't find where you can say
it's lost, we didn't look formar Your family was going places compared to
you. Where are you getting out? Oh? Holy me, be moll.
I'll get up next year. That'swhat you said last year. Well

(42:55):
I'm saying it again this year.Look at y'all hurled up like a beckoning
finger post tapping ma that woodpeckers aresomeone to the door. I'll find out
food day, constituents, I'm senatorgo Nicander Gigo. I'm running intoday's primaries
for re election. Have a seagarbrother, Thank you, Senator Reckon.

(43:16):
Prosperity just around the corona. Whatthis country needs is a good fires and
cigar. You got one there.I trust you'll remember me at the polls
today, my loyal supporter. I'mfor your senator, but I can't help.
Why not my steam prayer, Reckon, I'm just too lazy to get
down register what I've been wasted mytime? Give me back my cigar bum.

(43:38):
I'll have to warn Vandenberg about thisrenegade, that Indian giver. I
shouldn't give him what firm? Youbetter figure what to give to banker Hatfield.
The mortgage is due today and thisis banker Hatfield. I'll give him
what for too. Come in foodday, Dan. This is the residence
of the Cullen. Who'll be afancy pair. I'm a government agent here

(44:00):
to take the sentence. Have youtwenty children? No cavo, no automobile?
No? You best come inside orallside? What's the mast? What
the what are you wash in?What's wash washed? Why it's having water
on you? What did I bedoing? Getting christened at my age.

(44:21):
Do you mean to tell me thatyou two don't bathe? If you mean
let each other down? See?Can me does it? Once the year?
Let each other down? Is that? Baby says? Once the years?
He can me meet at the well? Yes, I let ma down.
Then I left Z down. Isee you logging on to the next
question. Now hold on, stranger, I'm getting right tired of you.

(44:43):
Come in the pall pryor around here? What's the government asking the government?
Al riddles? Am I no ball? I want to know about the government.
I can read in my day andaccording to my day, everything is
peachy. You gotta answer these sensesquestion, Jill says, I got it.
It's the law. As long asI keep asking questions, you got

(45:04):
to answer them. If and I'mgetting back to sleep this year, it
looks like I gotta stop the askinghere. What are you doing about rifle
rum? That's your last question?By vote, every star well trying das
allows now with three of us roundthe cabin. Now put the body behind
the door, had stakes alive?Who's there? Open the door? See?

(45:29):
Okay? Afternoon votes. I lovehatfield palm making hats and your creditors
he yellen well Reckon. You're hereto throw us out, mister Hatfield,
Well, you're Mark Jage's due today g jelling. But I'm granting extension
if if my best friend Lysander gGuff is running for senator today, if

(45:51):
you vote for Lysander, you canstay on your lamp. Senator Gulf was
here this morning, mister Hacker.I told him I couldn't hoe because they
want registered. What, well,let's fry you're fan Zeke. If you
can't vote for Gut, you're gettingoff of the bakling and then Gordy w
what's that rubs ecal? Senator Gut, what are you doing back here?
It's an emergency, Lamb. Doyou mean the primary balance is all in?

(46:12):
Yes, in a very embarrassing situationas there is Lemkee get elected.
No, the result is a tietie Lashander Yes, forty eight votes from
me and forty eight votes from ascarless unworthy back by month playing opponent.
Tie. It's gotta be broken,Lassammer. It's a Muslim. There is
only one man in Bozsum County whocan break it. Those that Senator it

(46:32):
is you, my dear brand Allen. You are the only constituent in Bozsum County,