Episode Transcript
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(00:30):
Jack Benny Program transcribed. I'm presentedby Lucky Strike from tom Springs, California.
The Lucky Strike Program starring Jack Bennywith Mary Lets in Rochester, DNA
Bob Crossby. You're trolling dollar ladiesand gentlemen, as always at the height
(01:08):
of the tourist season. Here PalmSprings is just full of celebrities. But
now I give you the celebrity thewhole town is talking about because he's the
only one paying summer rates. Andhere he is, Jack Benny. Thank
(01:30):
you, thank you. Hello again. It's a Jack Benny talking. And
don I don't care if the wholetown is talking about me, because in
Palm Springs, talk is the onlything that's cheap. I don't believe me.
I know what you mean, Jack, but I've worked out a pretty
good deal where I'm stayed were atthe Miltmore. Yeah, I get fifty
percent off of my bill and inreturn, I put him three hours a
(01:51):
day as a lifeguard. And yesterdayI wait a minute, Wait a minute,
wait a minute, you did saylifeguard. Yeah, why, well
it's just a Can I picture youmore as a life raft with a pontoon
and back, Ilie, you canjoke all you want, But yesterday a
man called for help and I divedinto the pool and saved you really don
(02:15):
yes, sir, and you shouldhave heard the way they balled me out
balled. Yeah, you saved aman's life, did you? Yeah?
But when I jumped in the pool, three people sitting on the lawn almost
ground. And I've been telling everyoneit rained yesterday. But don Jack,
Jack, Yes, Bob, theyve claus. What what is it?
(02:46):
Bob? Well, before we goany farther with the show, I'd like
to take a roll call of theorchestra. A roll call of the orchestra.
We've never done that before, orbelieve me, Jack, I know
what I'm doing. Well, allright, if you have to go ahead,
Bob. Okay, George here KerchieveSonger Radley by Bob. I want
(03:22):
to ask you, by, whywhy do you have to go through this
roller call? I always do whenwe're out of town. But why why
why I have to? I'm responsibleto the Los Angeles Parole Board. Oh
I see, Well, don't letme stand in the way of the law.
Are they Tackleberry? Wait a minute, Tackleberry is one of my writer
(03:42):
He's on parole too. He keepstalking about the pen. I thought he
meant paper maid. Anyway, I'mwe were glad they're all the boys are
now if we can, Hello Mary, Hello Jack. I'm sorry. I'm
(04:13):
late, Jack, but I wastaking a golf lesson at Tamers and I
just didn't notice the time. That'sall right, Mary, so Ellsworth Vines
gave you another lesson. Eh No, I switched to one of the other
fellas. What was wrong? Ifind out he's married. Well, look,
Mary, you don't have to makeany dates here in Palm Springs.
If you want to go out withsomeone, I'm here. Oh no,
Jack, not with you. Whatyour idea of an exciting time here is
(04:36):
to walk down Palm Canyon Drive andwatch people put nickels in the parking meters?
Yeah, Saturday was a dilly onehundred sixty three dollars and forty five
cents. Let's get out of theshow because tonight, Uh oh, what's
(04:57):
matter? Here comes Dennis? Well, what about it? You know,
every time that kid opens his mouth, he says something silly, and I'm
aggravated for the rest of the week. But this time he's not getting away
with it. I'm ready for him. Well, everybody. Oh, mister
(05:17):
Benny boy, two weeks in palmsprings have sure made you look different.
See Mary, he's starting already.I'm sorry I haven't been able to see
more of you up here, butI've been very busy, busy. What
have you been doing, Oh,swimming a little every day, getting lots
of sleep, eating good food,and catching up on my reading. You're
reading. Yeah, it's nice andquiet up here, and I can concentrate.
(05:39):
Hamlet requires a lot of attention.Hamlet. I consider it to be
Shakespeare's finest work. Although I'd bethe first to admit there are great qualities
in my best Julius, Caesar andOthello. To my way of thinking,
Hamlet offers more scope and penetrates witha deeper insight into human nature. That's
enough, Dennis, I won't listento that kind of pau But Jaw,
(06:00):
I don't care. I'm out ofthe case now. I'm not going to
let him aggrobate me. But Jackiehasn't said anything silly, I know,
and he's doing it on purpose.Dennis, you're deliberately trying to annoy me.
Oh no, I'm not, misterBenny. But how come you're talking
(06:21):
intelligently. I can't help it.I was out in the sun too long,
but I discovered a way to keepcool it in. Yeah, I
get a big punch bowl, filetfull of shaved ice. Put in three
lemons, two oranges, some gingerale, a quarter Scotch, a bottle
of Smirnoff vodka, and five Maraschinocherries. Dennis, you drink that.
(06:43):
No. I sit in there,my boy, and Denis. Now as
you're back to normal again, dome a favor. Just go over in
the corner. Don't bother me.Okay, do you mind if I read
Hamlet read read what a crazy kid? Well, Jack, you won't have
to put off with them much longer. Tomorrow we'll all be on our way
(07:05):
back to Los Angeles, I know. And I've got a big surprise for
everyone. Since you're all leaving tomorrowand I'm going to be staying down here
till after Christmas, I want youall to come to my place tonight for
our annual Christmas party. Oh that'swonderful. Everybody's invited, And Bob,
make sure to bring the orchestra boys. The orchestra boys, Yeah, but
tell them when we serve dinner tojust casually walk into the dining room,
(07:27):
not to line up and march.Okay, Jack, I'll tell them,
but gee, you better serve themthe food right away or they'll start banging
their cups on the table. I'llserve them. I'll serve them and listen,
kids, I got a nice bighouse that I rented. There's plenty
of room. We'll have a tree, exchange gifts and have a lot of
fun. Don you take over theshow. I'm gonna leave right now and
(07:49):
help Rochester get things ready? Allright, Jack? Shall we do the
commercial now? Yes? Don,that'll be fine. What are the Sportsman
Quartet prepared? Or something very appropriatefor this time of year? It's called
winter one Lamb winter Wonderland. Well, that song is all about snow and
slave bell. That doesn't fit palmspring or worry about it, Jack,
We've got it fixed, all right, Okay, go ahead, see you
later, kid. All right,well, let's take it slave does me?
(08:18):
Why are you listening? He's thelad son is listening? A beautiful
size You're happy to die walking ina weird a londo mad on away is
the new bird here to stads anew bird? He sings a lot song
(08:41):
as be going along walking in thewind alungdo man in the meddle, being
the middle at snowman, then pretendinghe is passing from He'll say I am
Harry. You'll say no man,but you can do the job when you're
in town. A way a wfis si the pie to base on afraid
(09:09):
the plants agremaide walking in the wareof wonderland, kil pal are you listening?
See that all is Aliston? Thedesert at night is a beautiful sight
(09:30):
on springs is the wear of wonderland. In the song one relaxes all the
forgetting taxes if you can't fall,if you room in your brd on springs
to the wear of underland, sadaris the desert anythinging, Merry Christmas,
(09:52):
give me all time. He's mamany his bringing some shampoo and curly new
to pay. Hurry roast and childstill we boast, kill me childer standing
from me along about three on springsof the winter wonderland. Lucky fy excuse
(10:18):
your pleasure, Lucky fry, thankyou a pleasure. Yes, luckys are
great when you celebrate Christmas in thewinter wonderland better day is the reason Lucky
fries are so pason if Moncky's aone to stop in the sun Christmas in
(10:43):
the winter Wonderland, Lucky Strikes aremade to find the back all lucky Laura
smooth and spoke. Here's why sellthe main protect he ever packs. They're
all expression, they are never dry. It's the brand. You will see
more by the pool laser real ballswherever you go. It's funny. You
(11:09):
know they're funny in a way.Everyone the line lucky for everybody favorite ba
don't believe Lucky for everybody's baby.See I'm glad that drug store was open
(12:05):
so I could finish my Christmas shopping. See. I get Christmas presents from
everywhere, CBS, Lucky Strike,even my hometown Walkgan. I wonder what
a walk Kegan will do for methis Christmas. Last year they did a
wonderful thing. They destroyed my birthcertificate. Now no one will ever know.
(12:35):
Dingle bells, jingle bells, jingleall the way. Santa needs a
Niko here and if he wants topark his slave. See, I'm bum
bomb and I'm thump thumb. Willpardon me, sir, Sprint, don't
mister b why mister Tetall Well misterKissels, is a surprise. I didn't
(13:03):
know you were here in Palm Spring. Oh, yes, I'm here at
every the last few days. Well, isn't that nice? Where do you
stay a place called Harry's Hessey,Indie, Harry's that's the end. I've
never heard of that nationally advertised toteasent. Well, if it isn't much
(13:26):
of a place, dolly, whydo you stay there where else? For
seven dollars a day? Can youget room board and a disk full of
feature postcards from the Yellow Mirador?Oh? I s wanna tell me?
Do they have a swimming pool?Finally I found it? Do you mean
(13:48):
the swimming pool is that small?Small? This morning I had breakfast and
the hole in my bagel was abigger. Well that's the difference. Long
you're having fun, say mister Kitsel. I'm having my cast over this evening
for a little get together. Howwould you and your wife like to join
us? Ain't here, but I'mafraid we couldn't make it. My wife
(14:09):
is still upset from the steake ridelast night. Oh, your wife was
on a steake ride? What happenedwith twok eight men to put on the
horse? Oh? Mister kiss youmust be joking. Your wife's not that
heavy. Me you could convenience,but the horse you can. You mean
(14:33):
the next time that horse runs,it'll be from a bottle of gloom.
Well, miss Kitsel, I'd liketo talk to you longer, but I
have to get home to help Rochester. G I haven't had, mister Bennie,
and enjoy yourself. Thank you solong? Goodbye, oh say mister
Benny. Yes, mister Kitsel,tomorrow, if you got a little time,
(14:54):
why don't you come over and visitme and my wife? Well,
I'll be glad to How do Iget to Harry's Hacien From here? You
go straight down tom Canyon Drive forfive blocks till you come to the Park
Lane Hotel. Uh huh. Thenyou train left and followed it. Sign
that says to Harry says ND fortwo miles two miles. But look that'll
(15:15):
take me way up in the mountain. That's right, Harry, as I
go a ghost, Mister Kitser,you're joking. Smell me why you buy?
(15:37):
You buy, mister kitten, AndMerry Christmas and a happy hule to
you all jingle bells, zingle bellsand all the way you'll be funding in
(16:00):
tom Springs for Christmas, Rochester.Hand me some more tinsel to the tree
rees. Yeah, I'm sure glad. I decided to rent this house for
(16:27):
mister and missus Martin. It'll bejust perfect for the party tonight. Yeah.
Well, all the tinsil is down. I think i'll put on the
ornaments. I'll put this nice redone a ouch sae, I'll put the
blue one over it here in anouch, and I'll put the green one
up on top the ouch. Oh, darn it falls, I told you
(16:48):
to get a Christmas tree instead ofthis captus plant the Rochester, Rochester.
I'm not going out and buy aChristmas tree when I have a perfectly good
one at home. I want toput these gifts under it. Let's see,
here's Don's some nice dates, andthis one's for Mary oh in Rochester.
(17:12):
Here's the one I'm giving Remley.Boy. Will he be surprised,
I'll he be surprised. You gotshaven loc written all over the package.
Well you have to do that withRemley. When he opens a box and
finds a bottle, he never stopsto read the label. Last year,
last year I gave him a miniatureship and a bottle. The mask stuck
(17:34):
out of his mouth for three months. Every time I ask him something,
he had to answer me through thecrow's nest. Believe me, I know
what I'm doing, all right.That must be the gang. You let
him in and out. I'll goout in the kitchen and get the orders.
Okay, but coming everybody. MisterBenny's in the kitchen, He'll be
(17:59):
right out. Make you sol Hey. Jack's got a nice place here.
Yeah, but it's so cluttered up. Rochester helped me clean it up.
I'll throw some of this stuff out. Not that that's the Christmas tree.
Christmas tree and that's nothing but anold cactus plan. Oh we would have
had a tumble weed, but thewind was blowing and we lost it combing
through in the old Wait a minute, look at that television set. It's
(18:30):
got a coin box attached to itwith a slot to put money in.
Well, that's pay as you seetelevision and Palm Springs is the only place
where they're conducting this experiment. Jackhas the same attachment on his set in
Beverly Hills, and it's no experimentthere. Very Christmas, kids, I'm
(18:52):
glad you're all here. We'll havea nice all over the party. I'll
get it, thanks Rochester. Hey, Jack, this is a very nice
place. I had no idea itwas so large. Oh yeah, there's
a kitchen, diam neft, livingroom, two bedrooms in a patio.
You know, Marry, when you'rea big star, you gotta have plenty
of room to entertained. Yeah.I just can't understand how you got all
this for eighty five dollars a month. What's the difference? I got it.
(19:15):
I'll come on everybody, Lis putall the presents under the tree and
hey, wait a minute, what'sthe matter? I had twelve candy canes
and now they're only eleven. Where'sthe other one. Don't look at me.
I'm not looking at you. Butif your conscience bothers you, there
ten cents each. Oh, don'tbe so silly. It was yeah,
Rochester. Who was that on thephone. That was mister Coleman calling from
(19:37):
Beverly Hills, Oh, Ronald Coleman, Yes, sir. He wanted to
know if you'd be back in townfor Christmas. I told him that you
couldn't possibly make it. You werestand in Paul Springs. See that was
nice. For Ronnie to call.Is he planning a Christmas party now?
Yes, he's saving gently later aboutNew Year's all right, the gang,
(20:00):
Why don't we open up our Christmaspresent? No, no, it's too
early. Everyone can take their gifts, but let's not open them until Christmas.
See, I'm embarrassed, mister Vennie. I got you a gift,
but I left it at my hotelroom. Oh that's all right, Dennis.
You didn't have to bother getting meanything anyway. Well, truthfully,
I didn't know what to get you. You have practically everything. But I
went all the palm springs and Ifinally found something. Really, what'd you
get me, Dennis? A helomonster? A HeLa monster. Yeah,
(20:29):
the man only charged me three dollarsfor it, Dennis, I heal A
monster is a deadly, poisonous andvicious reptile. Why I could snap a
man's arm more? I wonder ittook him so long to wrap the package.
Dennis. If that poisonous thing isin your room, you better call
your hotel right now and warn them. Yeah, I guess I better.
Hey, come on, kids,let's have some fire. Let's get this
party rolling. Yeah, let's playsome game, okay, but first I
(20:51):
want to show you something Mary me. Yeah, come out out in the
hall for a second. Hill herewe are, Look up Mary, Hi
Jack, it's mistletoe. That's right, and that means that I get to
kiss you. Oh Jack, Nowcome on, Mary, give me a
kiss. Hop suck it up?All right there, I know what you
(21:15):
ate the candy cake, I know, I know what I know. All
(21:52):
right, here's your ten cents.For a minute, I thought you were
getting romantic. Romantic many. Yourcrime must be solved. Come back,
let's get back to the party.Mary, what was going on out there
in the home? Ask Boston Blackes? Never mind? Hey Dennis, Dads,
(22:18):
did you call your hotel about thatHeLa monster? Yeah? What do
they say? Nothing? The phonekeeps ringing and ringing, but nobody answers.
What do you mind if I stayhere tonight? All now, come
on, let's get things started here. Let's all sing jingles? Yeah,
yeah, let's all sing a what'sthat noise? Ramley wants to go home?
(22:44):
Rambley put down that hat, soon, use the door, what
James? Now, come on,kid, let's sing jingle bells. Jingle
bells, jingle bells, jingle allthe way. Oh, what's going on
(23:10):
here? Holy kids? It's theowner. What's the matter, mister Martin.
I'll tell you what's no matter.I'm not gonna stand for noisy parties
like that's going on in my house. I'll wait a sec mister Martin.
So what if we are making alittle noise, you're forgetting I'm paying you
eighty five dollars a month's to rentthis house. Whoever dreamed you'd be caring
wild parties? When you came tome, you look like a nice,
quiet old man, But now Ifind out you're a Hollywood playboy. Look,
(23:37):
mister Martin, and what are thoseconvicts doing here? Those are my
musician fellows. This is a party. Stop making those license play here.
Faith, They're not my home unlessthey're in jail. I guess we were
(24:00):
a little loud, mister Martin,but we didn't know you were here.
We were only having a little Christmasparty. Uh, a Christmas party?
Yes, if you prefer, wecan leave. Well, we didn't even
get to sing the Christmas carols.Christmas Charles, Yes, we always seen
Christmas carrols. Gee, I'd loveto hear that. But why don't you
and your wife join us. Youreally mean that, mister Bonne. Certainly,
(24:21):
the more the merrier, Jee.Thanks. I'll go get my wife
and will join you in a partynow, Dennis, Yeah, go get
her, Dennis. Every year atmy Christmas party you always sing a nice
medley of Christmas carrols. Yesw aboutsinging them firston Now, I'd be glad
to quiet everybody. Dennis is goingto sing Sa Li Bay Day by Ina
(25:14):
ray Dy Hard musty day, hadLand, not O broz Ralyon Bgan,
(26:11):
mother, hangeho Oman fran sently sleepinsenle for going to say worry when you
(26:57):
argy, be honor and mercy,mile go and sing Dregon files Joy ride,
joy on live way rime. Whywhy are you, ladies and gentlemen
(27:48):
on behalf of my sponsor, myentire staff. I want to wish you
all a very merry Christmas
Jack Benny Program transcribed. I'm presentedby Lucky Strike from tom Springs, California.
The Lucky Strike Program starring Jack Bennywith Mary Lets in Rochester, DNA
Bob Crossby. You're trolling dollar ladiesand gentlemen, as always at the height
(01:08):
of the tourist season. Here PalmSprings is just full of celebrities. But
now I give you the celebrity thewhole town is talking about because he's the
only one paying summer rates. Andhere he is, Jack Benny. Thank
(01:30):
you, thank you. Hello again. It's a Jack Benny talking. And
don I don't care if the wholetown is talking about me, because in
Palm Springs, talk is the onlything that's cheap. I don't believe me.
I know what you mean, Jack, but I've worked out a pretty
good deal where I'm stayed were atthe Miltmore. Yeah, I get fifty
percent off of my bill and inreturn, I put him three hours a
(01:51):
day as a lifeguard. And yesterdayI wait a minute, Wait a minute,
wait a minute, you did saylifeguard. Yeah, why, well
it's just a Can I picture youmore as a life raft with a pontoon
and back, Ilie, you canjoke all you want, But yesterday a
man called for help and I divedinto the pool and saved you really don
(02:15):
yes, sir, and you shouldhave heard the way they balled me out
balled. Yeah, you saved aman's life, did you? Yeah?
But when I jumped in the pool, three people sitting on the lawn almost
ground. And I've been telling everyoneit rained yesterday. But don Jack,
Jack, Yes, Bob, theyve claus. What what is it?
(02:46):
Bob? Well, before we goany farther with the show, I'd like
to take a roll call of theorchestra. A roll call of the orchestra.
We've never done that before, orbelieve me, Jack, I know
what I'm doing. Well, allright, if you have to go ahead,
Bob. Okay, George here KerchieveSonger Radley by Bob. I want
(03:22):
to ask you, by, whywhy do you have to go through this
roller call? I always do whenwe're out of town. But why why
why I have to? I'm responsibleto the Los Angeles Parole Board. Oh
I see, Well, don't letme stand in the way of the law.
Are they Tackleberry? Wait a minute, Tackleberry is one of my writer
(03:42):
He's on parole too. He keepstalking about the pen. I thought he
meant paper maid. Anyway, I'mwe were glad they're all the boys are
now if we can, Hello Mary, Hello Jack. I'm sorry. I'm
(04:13):
late, Jack, but I wastaking a golf lesson at Tamers and I
just didn't notice the time. That'sall right, Mary, so Ellsworth Vines
gave you another lesson. Eh No, I switched to one of the other
fellas. What was wrong? Ifind out he's married. Well, look,
Mary, you don't have to makeany dates here in Palm Springs.
If you want to go out withsomeone, I'm here. Oh no,
Jack, not with you. Whatyour idea of an exciting time here is
(04:36):
to walk down Palm Canyon Drive andwatch people put nickels in the parking meters?
Yeah, Saturday was a dilly onehundred sixty three dollars and forty five
cents. Let's get out of theshow because tonight, Uh oh, what's
(04:57):
matter? Here comes Dennis? Well, what about it? You know,
every time that kid opens his mouth, he says something silly, and I'm
aggravated for the rest of the week. But this time he's not getting away
with it. I'm ready for him. Well, everybody. Oh, mister
(05:17):
Benny boy, two weeks in palmsprings have sure made you look different.
See Mary, he's starting already.I'm sorry I haven't been able to see
more of you up here, butI've been very busy, busy. What
have you been doing, Oh,swimming a little every day, getting lots
of sleep, eating good food,and catching up on my reading. You're
reading. Yeah, it's nice andquiet up here, and I can concentrate.
(05:39):
Hamlet requires a lot of attention.Hamlet. I consider it to be
Shakespeare's finest work. Although I'd bethe first to admit there are great qualities
in my best Julius, Caesar andOthello. To my way of thinking,
Hamlet offers more scope and penetrates witha deeper insight into human nature. That's
enough, Dennis, I won't listento that kind of pau But Jaw,
(06:00):
I don't care. I'm out ofthe case now. I'm not going to
let him aggrobate me. But Jackiehasn't said anything silly, I know,
and he's doing it on purpose.Dennis, you're deliberately trying to annoy me.
Oh no, I'm not, misterBenny. But how come you're talking
(06:21):
intelligently. I can't help it.I was out in the sun too long,
but I discovered a way to keepcool it in. Yeah, I
get a big punch bowl, filetfull of shaved ice. Put in three
lemons, two oranges, some gingerale, a quarter Scotch, a bottle
of Smirnoff vodka, and five Maraschinocherries. Dennis, you drink that.
(06:43):
No. I sit in there,my boy, and Denis. Now as
you're back to normal again, dome a favor. Just go over in
the corner. Don't bother me.Okay, do you mind if I read
Hamlet read read what a crazy kid? Well, Jack, you won't have
to put off with them much longer. Tomorrow we'll all be on our way
(07:05):
back to Los Angeles, I know. And I've got a big surprise for
everyone. Since you're all leaving tomorrowand I'm going to be staying down here
till after Christmas, I want youall to come to my place tonight for
our annual Christmas party. Oh that'swonderful. Everybody's invited, And Bob,
make sure to bring the orchestra boys. The orchestra boys, Yeah, but
tell them when we serve dinner tojust casually walk into the dining room,
(07:27):
not to line up and march.Okay, Jack, I'll tell them,
but gee, you better serve themthe food right away or they'll start banging
their cups on the table. I'llserve them. I'll serve them and listen,
kids, I got a nice bighouse that I rented. There's plenty
of room. We'll have a tree, exchange gifts and have a lot of
fun. Don you take over theshow. I'm gonna leave right now and
(07:49):
help Rochester get things ready? Allright, Jack? Shall we do the
commercial now? Yes? Don,that'll be fine. What are the Sportsman
Quartet prepared? Or something very appropriatefor this time of year? It's called
winter one Lamb winter Wonderland. Well, that song is all about snow and
slave bell. That doesn't fit palmspring or worry about it, Jack,
We've got it fixed, all right, Okay, go ahead, see you
later, kid. All right,well, let's take it slave does me?
(08:18):
Why are you listening? He's thelad son is listening? A beautiful
size You're happy to die walking ina weird a londo mad on away is
the new bird here to stads anew bird? He sings a lot song
(08:41):
as be going along walking in thewind alungdo man in the meddle, being
the middle at snowman, then pretendinghe is passing from He'll say I am
Harry. You'll say no man,but you can do the job when you're
in town. A way a wfis si the pie to base on afraid
(09:09):
the plants agremaide walking in the wareof wonderland, kil pal are you listening?
See that all is Aliston? Thedesert at night is a beautiful sight
(09:30):
on springs is the wear of wonderland. In the song one relaxes all the
forgetting taxes if you can't fall,if you room in your brd on springs
to the wear of underland, sadaris the desert anythinging, Merry Christmas,
(09:52):
give me all time. He's mamany his bringing some shampoo and curly new
to pay. Hurry roast and childstill we boast, kill me childer standing
from me along about three on springsof the winter wonderland. Lucky fy excuse
(10:18):
your pleasure, Lucky fry, thankyou a pleasure. Yes, luckys are
great when you celebrate Christmas in thewinter wonderland better day is the reason Lucky
fries are so pason if Moncky's aone to stop in the sun Christmas in
(10:43):
the winter Wonderland, Lucky Strikes aremade to find the back all lucky Laura
smooth and spoke. Here's why sellthe main protect he ever packs. They're
all expression, they are never dry. It's the brand. You will see
more by the pool laser real ballswherever you go. It's funny. You
(11:09):
know they're funny in a way.Everyone the line lucky for everybody favorite ba
don't believe Lucky for everybody's baby.See I'm glad that drug store was open
(12:05):
so I could finish my Christmas shopping. See. I get Christmas presents from
everywhere, CBS, Lucky Strike,even my hometown Walkgan. I wonder what
a walk Kegan will do for methis Christmas. Last year they did a
wonderful thing. They destroyed my birthcertificate. Now no one will ever know.
(12:35):
Dingle bells, jingle bells, jingleall the way. Santa needs a
Niko here and if he wants topark his slave. See, I'm bum
bomb and I'm thump thumb. Willpardon me, sir, Sprint, don't
mister b why mister Tetall Well misterKissels, is a surprise. I didn't
(13:03):
know you were here in Palm Spring. Oh, yes, I'm here at
every the last few days. Well, isn't that nice? Where do you
stay a place called Harry's Hessey,Indie, Harry's that's the end. I've
never heard of that nationally advertised toteasent. Well, if it isn't much
(13:26):
of a place, dolly, whydo you stay there where else? For
seven dollars a day? Can youget room board and a disk full of
feature postcards from the Yellow Mirador?Oh? I s wanna tell me?
Do they have a swimming pool?Finally I found it? Do you mean
(13:48):
the swimming pool is that small?Small? This morning I had breakfast and
the hole in my bagel was abigger. Well that's the difference. Long
you're having fun, say mister Kitsel. I'm having my cast over this evening
for a little get together. Howwould you and your wife like to join
us? Ain't here, but I'mafraid we couldn't make it. My wife
(14:09):
is still upset from the steake ridelast night. Oh, your wife was
on a steake ride? What happenedwith twok eight men to put on the
horse? Oh? Mister kiss youmust be joking. Your wife's not that
heavy. Me you could convenience,but the horse you can. You mean
(14:33):
the next time that horse runs,it'll be from a bottle of gloom.
Well, miss Kitsel, I'd liketo talk to you longer, but I
have to get home to help Rochester. G I haven't had, mister Bennie,
and enjoy yourself. Thank you solong? Goodbye, oh say mister
Benny. Yes, mister Kitsel,tomorrow, if you got a little time,
(14:54):
why don't you come over and visitme and my wife? Well,
I'll be glad to How do Iget to Harry's Hacien From here? You
go straight down tom Canyon Drive forfive blocks till you come to the Park
Lane Hotel. Uh huh. Thenyou train left and followed it. Sign
that says to Harry says ND fortwo miles two miles. But look that'll
(15:15):
take me way up in the mountain. That's right, Harry, as I
go a ghost, Mister Kitser,you're joking. Smell me why you buy?
(15:37):
You buy, mister kitten, AndMerry Christmas and a happy hule to
you all jingle bells, zingle bellsand all the way you'll be funding in
(16:00):
tom Springs for Christmas, Rochester.Hand me some more tinsel to the tree
rees. Yeah, I'm sure glad. I decided to rent this house for
(16:27):
mister and missus Martin. It'll bejust perfect for the party tonight. Yeah.
Well, all the tinsil is down. I think i'll put on the
ornaments. I'll put this nice redone a ouch sae, I'll put the
blue one over it here in anouch, and I'll put the green one
up on top the ouch. Oh, darn it falls, I told you
(16:48):
to get a Christmas tree instead ofthis captus plant the Rochester, Rochester.
I'm not going out and buy aChristmas tree when I have a perfectly good
one at home. I want toput these gifts under it. Let's see,
here's Don's some nice dates, andthis one's for Mary oh in Rochester.
(17:12):
Here's the one I'm giving Remley.Boy. Will he be surprised,
I'll he be surprised. You gotshaven loc written all over the package.
Well you have to do that withRemley. When he opens a box and
finds a bottle, he never stopsto read the label. Last year,
last year I gave him a miniatureship and a bottle. The mask stuck
(17:34):
out of his mouth for three months. Every time I ask him something,
he had to answer me through thecrow's nest. Believe me, I know
what I'm doing, all right.That must be the gang. You let
him in and out. I'll goout in the kitchen and get the orders.
Okay, but coming everybody. MisterBenny's in the kitchen, He'll be
(17:59):
right out. Make you sol Hey. Jack's got a nice place here.
Yeah, but it's so cluttered up. Rochester helped me clean it up.
I'll throw some of this stuff out. Not that that's the Christmas tree.
Christmas tree and that's nothing but anold cactus plan. Oh we would have
had a tumble weed, but thewind was blowing and we lost it combing
through in the old Wait a minute, look at that television set. It's
(18:30):
got a coin box attached to itwith a slot to put money in.
Well, that's pay as you seetelevision and Palm Springs is the only place
where they're conducting this experiment. Jackhas the same attachment on his set in
Beverly Hills, and it's no experimentthere. Very Christmas, kids, I'm
(18:52):
glad you're all here. We'll havea nice all over the party. I'll
get it, thanks Rochester. Hey, Jack, this is a very nice
place. I had no idea itwas so large. Oh yeah, there's
a kitchen, diam neft, livingroom, two bedrooms in a patio.
You know, Marry, when you'rea big star, you gotta have plenty
of room to entertained. Yeah.I just can't understand how you got all
this for eighty five dollars a month. What's the difference? I got it.
(19:15):
I'll come on everybody, Lis putall the presents under the tree and
hey, wait a minute, what'sthe matter? I had twelve candy canes
and now they're only eleven. Where'sthe other one. Don't look at me.
I'm not looking at you. Butif your conscience bothers you, there
ten cents each. Oh, don'tbe so silly. It was yeah,
Rochester. Who was that on thephone. That was mister Coleman calling from
(19:37):
Beverly Hills, Oh, Ronald Coleman, Yes, sir. He wanted to
know if you'd be back in townfor Christmas. I told him that you
couldn't possibly make it. You werestand in Paul Springs. See that was
nice. For Ronnie to call.Is he planning a Christmas party now?
Yes, he's saving gently later aboutNew Year's all right, the gang,
(20:00):
Why don't we open up our Christmaspresent? No, no, it's too
early. Everyone can take their gifts, but let's not open them until Christmas.
See, I'm embarrassed, mister Vennie. I got you a gift,
but I left it at my hotelroom. Oh that's all right, Dennis.
You didn't have to bother getting meanything anyway. Well, truthfully,
I didn't know what to get you. You have practically everything. But I
went all the palm springs and Ifinally found something. Really, what'd you
get me, Dennis? A helomonster? A HeLa monster. Yeah,
(20:29):
the man only charged me three dollarsfor it, Dennis, I heal A
monster is a deadly, poisonous andvicious reptile. Why I could snap a
man's arm more? I wonder ittook him so long to wrap the package.
Dennis. If that poisonous thing isin your room, you better call
your hotel right now and warn them. Yeah, I guess I better.
Hey, come on, kids,let's have some fire. Let's get this
party rolling. Yeah, let's playsome game, okay, but first I
(20:51):
want to show you something Mary me. Yeah, come out out in the
hall for a second. Hill herewe are, Look up Mary, Hi
Jack, it's mistletoe. That's right, and that means that I get to
kiss you. Oh Jack, Nowcome on, Mary, give me a
kiss. Hop suck it up?All right there, I know what you
(21:15):
ate the candy cake, I know, I know what I know. All
(21:52):
right, here's your ten cents.For a minute, I thought you were
getting romantic. Romantic many. Yourcrime must be solved. Come back,
let's get back to the party.Mary, what was going on out there
in the home? Ask Boston Blackes? Never mind? Hey Dennis, Dads,
(22:18):
did you call your hotel about thatHeLa monster? Yeah? What do
they say? Nothing? The phonekeeps ringing and ringing, but nobody answers.
What do you mind if I stayhere tonight? All now, come
on, let's get things started here. Let's all sing jingles? Yeah,
yeah, let's all sing a what'sthat noise? Ramley wants to go home?
(22:44):
Rambley put down that hat, soon, use the door, what
James? Now, come on,kid, let's sing jingle bells. Jingle
bells, jingle bells, jingle allthe way. Oh, what's going on
(23:10):
here? Holy kids? It's theowner. What's the matter, mister Martin.
I'll tell you what's no matter.I'm not gonna stand for noisy parties
like that's going on in my house. I'll wait a sec mister Martin.
So what if we are making alittle noise, you're forgetting I'm paying you
eighty five dollars a month's to rentthis house. Whoever dreamed you'd be caring
wild parties? When you came tome, you look like a nice,
quiet old man, But now Ifind out you're a Hollywood playboy. Look,
(23:37):
mister Martin, and what are thoseconvicts doing here? Those are my
musician fellows. This is a party. Stop making those license play here.
Faith, They're not my home unlessthey're in jail. I guess we were
(24:00):
a little loud, mister Martin,but we didn't know you were here.
We were only having a little Christmasparty. Uh, a Christmas party?
Yes, if you prefer, wecan leave. Well, we didn't even
get to sing the Christmas carols.Christmas Charles, Yes, we always seen
Christmas carrols. Gee, I'd loveto hear that. But why don't you
and your wife join us. Youreally mean that, mister Bonne. Certainly,
(24:21):
the more the merrier, Jee.Thanks. I'll go get my wife
and will join you in a partynow, Dennis, Yeah, go get
her, Dennis. Every year atmy Christmas party you always sing a nice
medley of Christmas carrols. Yesw aboutsinging them firston Now, I'd be glad
to quiet everybody. Dennis is goingto sing Sa Li Bay Day by Ina
(25:14):
ray Dy Hard musty day, hadLand, not O broz Ralyon Bgan,
(26:11):
mother, hangeho Oman fran sently sleepinsenle for going to say worry when you
(26:57):
argy, be honor and mercy,mile go and sing Dregon files Joy ride,
joy on live way rime. Whywhy are you, ladies and gentlemen
(27:48):
on behalf of my sponsor, myentire staff. I want to wish you
all a very merry Christmas
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