Episode Transcript
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(00:14):
Much Radio Theater brings you, BudAbbit and Lou Costello in Butt Private,
Ladies and Gentlemen, you're a producer, mister Cecil b DeMille. Greetings from
Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen to aproducer. One of the most gratifying sounds
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in the theater is what may beclassified academically as the ventro ricis the backstage.
We have a slang name for itthat I'll call the tumming laugh.
Past masters are producing this phenomenon arethe night star Bud Abbot and Lou Costello,
who hit Hollywood with the force ofa hurricane less than a year ago.
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The picture that put them over wasBuck Privates, which Universal are made
in the ordinary course of the studioschedule. Suddenly, one day everybody on
the lock, from office boy topresident, woke up to the fact that
gold had been discovered in Universal City. Buck Privates had panned out as a
bonanza. And that's the play we'vepicked for Abbitt and Costello's debut in the
Lux Radio Theater. It's a storyof life in an army camp, some
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highly imaginary army camp, where atent flap opens and Abbott and Costello blow
in with the draft. But ofcourse any similarity between this play and life
in the armed Forces of the Republicis purely coincidental. Hiding behind the curtain
now are Abbott and Costello. Sowe'll raise it for the best act of
Buck Private, starring Bud Abbott asSmitty and Lou Costello as Herbie, with
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Benny Rubin as Sergeant Collins, LynnCarver as Judy, and gene O'Donnell as
Bob. September fourteenth, nineteen forty, Congress passes the first peace time Selective
Training Act in the history of ournation. From the farms they come,
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and from the factories, some quadvillagers, from roarings. It is the
youth of America on the march,swelling the ranks. The volunteers, step
right up, Palace, volunteers inthis line craft. He's over there,
keep it moment, Palace. That'san army recruiting station in a vacant movie
theater with a long line of menoutside. But just down the street,
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two boys who haven't heard the newsyet. These two boys don't know what
day it is. One of themdoesn't even know what time it is.
They're up to their old trick tellingneckties on street corners. Now, gather
around me, Jens, just alittle closer. Thank you, thank you.
That's fine now, Jens, Idon't want to give you any sales
talk. But never in my lifehave I ever had the opportunity of presenting
such merchandise. Look at these neckties. Feel that material? Pardon me?
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Will you please step aside, misterlet that little pet boy in. I
like to buy a tie. Son. Hey, yes, sir, how
much money have you got? Igotta have a city it twenty eight dollars.
Oh, you've got twenty eight dollarsin a vicinity and the neighborhood.
I got three bucks. Then youhave three dollars. Yes, sir,
we'll please speaking when you're smooth itout. I got a buck. Wait
a minute, just a minute.Then you have a dollar. I got
a dollar. Oh, I justhand it over. Please, thank you.
The gentleman buys ten times ten fora dollar is cheap. I'll take
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that of them. Hey, Patty, how can you sell ties that cheap?
Oh that's easy, my sir.We ain't got the overhead. We
ain't even gonna license to sell tieif I get it. Now, you
two guys are working in cahoots.How whole things again? Those ties aren't
even more to nickels, I'm gonnacall a cop. Hey off, now
look what you did. Grab thoseties and let's get going before the cops
come. Come on, we'll happingthat green and white texicab. All right,
step on a driver. We're tryingto get away from a cop.
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Now I ain't there, just dandy, Ay, it's a cop. We're
in a police car. Let meout. Come back, all right,
man, keep pulling voluntisites line.Draft. He's over there volunteering this line.
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Draft. He's over there. Drafty'sover there. Oh boy, come
on herby, Oh advertized, Igot them, boy, we sure got
await not dumb top. Hell,come on, we've got to hide somewhere.
Hey, smitty, let's hide inthe movies. What movies? That
line over there, they must begoing to see a picture. Looks like
it. Well, let's get inline and buy a couple of tickets.
Okay, excuse me, brother,Hey, what's the idea? I want
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to get a line I have?Get in the back where you belong?
Oh guy, hack, you wantto fight? Take your cold off?
All right? My coats off?Now what it's much cooler this way in
now, please cut it off,Herbie, no fighting. Let's get the
tickets. Okay, hey, looklook at the way they trust the ticket
seller like a soldier. Held on, brothers, What can I do for
you? Oh that's good. Wewant to know how much it cost to
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get in. Not a thing,boys. As a matter of fact,
we're going to give view twenty onedollars. You're gonna give us twenty one
dollars? Huh fat night? Evennydishes away? Oh? Ten plates,
tin plates? That's a novelist.Men, No, we can start a
new set. Sure, come on, step inside or yeah, perby,
or we won't get a seat.Okay, hey, you shut you?
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What pictures playing in here? Whatpicture you're in the army now? Oh
that's well under the sun that picture, ohry Joe? Come on, new
customers? Well fine, fine,hello boys, Drafty, No, not
a bit you feel Grafty's made?Not me. I feel very comfortable in
this joint here. Well good,now, let's get your registered. Yeah,
come on, let's get registered beforethe drawing start. You to kick
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on a win hussman? Sure signright here? Please? Oh please,
oh boy, what a light?You should quiet? Please? And now
let me have your signature right here. Please, I'd be delighted, and
I hope I win. Everybody isso happy around here. Well, congratulations,
man, we're glad to have youin the army. Thank you.
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We're very glad to be why yeah, yeah, just a moment. Oh,
Schmitty, the same cop? Yeah, the same cop. What's the
matter, officer? I owe theseguys a pitch. Come on, boy,
wait a minute. They're in thearmy, officer. You can't touch
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them now, there you see whyseguys, Now you're in the Armyeah.
Well, I'm joining up myself tomorrow. I'll be seeing you boys. What
am I laughing at all? Right? Then, here are your orders.
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Report up the High Street Armory atseven o'clock. You leave the railway station
at nine until in What happened?The officer dismissed us. You mean we're
fired before we even get started.Oh no, we have time off till
seven o'clock. Hello, fellows,go to mat sure here. Thanks.
My name is Martin, Bob Martin. By a neighbor, I'm Smitty.
This is Herbie. Hello Herby.Were you drafted? Two? Nohing,
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I'm in voluntary volunteer. Oh,Martin, when you get my hat,
I left it the other room.I think you'd better get it yourself.
Mister Parker, what's that? I'mnot working for you anymore, I'll look,
Martin. I thought we had tounderstood if we happened to get in
the same company. I wanted youto keep right on with your job.
I'll pay you, of course,thanks, But we're just a couple of
buck privates. Now you won't needto show for mister Parker. All right,
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Martin, I won't be in verylong anyhow. Maybe if you behaved
yourself, I could get you outof me through your father, I suppose,
well, he has a little influencein Washington. You know, what
do you say? I'm not havingany thank you. I'll serve my time
like everybody else. Go ahead,mister poker. I've worked for you for
two years, haven't I. That'sright. It's been quite an experience.
I'd carried you upstairs and put youto bed any number of times. Yes,
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But why I bring that up?Remember that night I froze both my
ears waiting for you, and thataccident you had when I took the rap
and went to jail for you.Look, Martin, let's not reminit.
Yeah, but we're in the armynow, so I think it's about time
I tendered my resignation very well.Tend yes, sir. We do you
mind putting up your hands, misterParker? Anything to oblige an old friend?
H So long, mister Parker,I'll see you at camp. Well
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what do you think of that?You know, Schmitty? That gives me
an idea? Yeah? What,I've been working field for six years.
So now we're in the army.Well, and it's all your fault.
What do you mean? So I'mgonna tend to you my designation Herby Herby.
You hit me, Smitty, teltme. I didn't mean it.
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I must be going out of myhead. Yeah, you're my best friend.
Not now. I didn't realize thatI hit you. I don't know,
Oh, Smitty, never mind.I'll never get away with it again.
I know you will. Please,Minnie, kill me a favor.
When as many no, hit meright in the chin and make me happy,
I will not, as Smitty no, tell let me go to life
with that on my mind. Hitme right in the push winnis Smitty make
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me happy right in the kisser allright, and I had a coach to
do it. When you hear that, we're stop to it. How farm
fret cigarette soldier come from itse ofthe off, Judy. Judy is great.
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What are you doing here? WhyI joined the No? Really,
I'm a camp postess. Now we'regoing to add the feminins. Hey,
that'll make big brepid more popular.I think it's pretty popular right now,
cigarette spine, See you later,chewing gum apple? Oh hello soldier.
Hello, misscen cigarette. Oh ma'am, Well all about an apples? Have
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you got a lollipoppy? I'm sorry? Why you like lollipops? Oh?
I'm just a shucker frosh kings cigaretteapples and you know what's made Gieshi's a
nice soldiers. Oh, stop lookingat her. I was only looking at
her, just if she was lookingat me? S if I was looking
at her? Oh, Keith quiet? What do you always become? Meat
ball? Are you doing? Asoldier? Oh? Hello, hello cigarette?
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Thanks? My name's Randy Parker.I miss Parker. I'm Judy Gray.
Well i'll see you camp on.No, wait, don't go,
Oh but I have to. I'mon, Judy. Our hostess first duty
is to keep the soldiers happy.I won't be unless we get better acquaintance.
We'll have plenty of times become acquaintance. Oh but I'll be out of
the arm in a week, soI'm sorry. Oh will you please let
me go? Not until we're abetter acquaintance. What goes on here?
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What's the matter? Nothing, Bob, just a fresh recruit trying out the
manual of arms to get us.Judy, I'm running out of gum.
Do you have any coming? Patty? I better tell you something, Parker,
Stay away from that girl. I'lltake my own company bank maybe on
Park Avenue, but not in thearmy. Keep away from Judy. I'm
fre Come on, Dice, Comeon, Dice, do your duty seven
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for Papa. Come on just thisonce? And then they go oh freathom
and we boys seven of that show. Come on with your money down,
boy, put you let me haveit? Hey, Senn, Hey,
Hello, Smitty Hallai, Hello Herb. What are you doing your pal?
Smitty just gave us a lesson andDice? Oh yeah, how do you
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want that? Playing dice on achoo two train? Yeah? Oh boy,
what is that? Dice? Dice? Watch dice, that's a game
play The game. You ever playa game of dice? Oh? No,
not me? Who you play game? Oh? I played games.
I don't play that game of dice. What do you play? I played
ice Pie, and I played PostOffice, and then I played Jacks Jackson.
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Come up to my posies. No, no, no, no,
this is a real game. Yousee there's numbers on there, from one
to six. You roll them out. Oh, you should roll a six
and a one, that's seven,that's an true you win. If you
should roll a five and the twothat's seven, that's not true. You
win. If you should roll afour and a three that's seven, that's
a natural you win. That soyou do is win? Well? No,
oh you can lose too, well. Yes, if you throw like
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two ones, that's crap. Shelose. If you throw two six's,
that's craps, she lose. Inother words, seven you in and grabs,
you lose. Hey you can win, Hey you can low teller is
good? Nice? Ten? Youwant to play it? I love till
all. Right, there there's adice. Now wait a minute before you
roll them out. Of course,if you roll them out and you make
a seven, what are you win? Nothing? Well, you don't want
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to win nothing, do you not? I I to help it? Well,
certainly not talk. We'll do.We'll each put ten dollars down.
Then when you make your seven,see you pick up twenty dollars. Oh
each put ten dollars down. That'ssminny. But don't call this gambling.
No, no, no no,I don't want my money to find out
about this. Don't worry about that. We'll call it bank knife. All
right, we'll call it bank knife. Okay, go ahead. Now what
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do I do with these square things? You just roll them out? And
if you should throw a seven,you win and crap sh lo toma,
that's all. You won't go Younever plays the game. Man, put
your ten dollars down. So youwant to Stanley, I mean you had
it in your hand. I wantto down there, it is there,
it is down. I'm go prown. Now keep it down now, don't
get put off put off? Allright, all right, all right,
stay clear at that? All rightthere you are, don't clear? Go
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ahead? Roll okay, you likego? Let them go? Hey?
Seven? I win? Yeah?Oh wait a minute, wait a minute.
I forgot to tell you don't pickup the money, right, I
got to pick up the money.Now no, not now you pick it
up, plays it? Oh youwant me to wait until the money gets
up to my chin? Then Ishoot it down by troup fast the idea.
Well, how do you like thegame so far? It's good you
like it? Never played there?No? All right, Well what do
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you want to shoot from? Now? Fat that? Keep your hands to
a salamon. What do you meanpage slap me in a face? You
told me you never played this game. Well it ain't been nice. Now
keep your hands your salamon. Idon't like it. That's all you told
men. You're gonna write to slapme in a punch gesament. You told
me I never played this game.I never played the game before. And
that's that your hands they look atthat paid that. It just comes to
me out of ten air? Whatdo you mean out of premire? I
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just part of it, and Isaid it's it wrong. No, it's
too dark. Right? Are yousure you never played this game? Yes,
I'm surprised that you many for youeven to doubt doubt I did.
All right, never mind out allright, I'll take another chance. Throw
him out, go ahead, forgetabout it. Seven You in grabs of
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the same thing, and I wantto remind you what's going on. I
keep your hand yourself, quesse.I don't like that. They don't make
those remarks. I don't like youcan kick me, don't slap me.
Never mind, I'll use my ownjudgment. Go ahead, thank you to
them to get throw them out again? Wait seven again, I'm lucky.
Yes, well, I guess it'sbeginner luck. All right, what do
you want to shoot? Now?Let it ride? Wait? Maybe test
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a minute. I'll tell you.I'm yourself. I don't talk. I
don't give me that not. Comeon now, steak up like a man.
Now, pull me around, butdon't slash a minute. I'll go.
Don't go for that. Don't tellme about that. What's the army?
Solf a minute? Don't I resign? Wait, you can quit.
I had a better offer from thename because I wait, don't tell me
you got that in there? Watcome on, way you hear it?
No, I knew it. I'mstopping and you did play the game,
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not me. Sit, I'm notlying. I'm come on. Speak up.
I was the club hustle, andI saw a bunch of the kids
and they was all around the table, and they had lumps of sugar with
some numbers on them, and theywas throwing them out, and they was
yelling those kind of things. Ohoh, oh, but you didn't play
in the game. Oh no,oh I was too young. Oh I'm
just the boy. No, Iknow that they wouldn't let me play.
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Well, I understand it now.It's all right, no heart, no
st on Tuesday, I'm going outwith girls. I sure there you are.
See those kinds of things. WhenI say those things, I'm at
the age where I pick them up. I know that. I know that
I appreciate that. I said,George, yours, my boy. You
can't blame me for that. No, no, no, no, no,
no, no no, go ahead, now keep your hand he you
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are now all right? No moreright, everything's all right. Yeah,
go ahead, roll them out thesame thing, same thing. Seven way
absolutely said, good do I know? Yeah, that's the boy. Yeah,
go see the money by way out. Yeah, and my direction until
that's right, go ahead way eleven. Mm hmmmm. You never to say
about eleven four? That's right,Well, eleven don't mean anything. No,
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personally, I don't know why theyput those numbers on the dice.
I guess they had a lot ofrooms, so they put extra dot.
That's it. That's it. Itell you what we do. What we'll
call eleven intermission intermission. Say that'sa good name for it. But go
ahead, I'll give you another chance. Intermission insion. I will am out
again. That's right, give meanother chance. Sure you're a regular kiss
you're right. Go ahead, that'smy pal, Go ahead, echo,
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that's the boy. We poor littleJoe. Let her know that I'm don't
give me that. Let me inthe price. I don't know, but
that that's all little Joe. Clubout. Hey, I'll fix you in
that club house. Pick up thosedice, not until you say, please
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take it up, say please scheckthat up. I put thing it in,
said, I wait a minute,you roll them out? If you
should roll with seven before you makethat poor you lose, yes, ma'am,
Yes, yes, sir, that'sbetter. You gotta be one or
the other. I never mind.I had to go with I sun,
I forget seven. You lose' pardyour plans? Three? Three, you
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lose hock on. Well, whydid you roll the first time? Why
did you just roll three? Well? Four and three is what? Seven?
There? You lose? Oh youadd them out? Oh you didn't
learn that at the club house.You never said nothing about Adam up smy
min Now we'll play it smittyt changereadiest change now we'd play it my way.
You want to use my money?Now, why not you use mine?
Long enough? Yes, come on, put it down, okay,
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put it all out, put itall down, all out, and I
count it. I'll count it.If you want twenty out there, then
twenty l a l I heading theNFL and none. It's twenty dout of
bella. I'll just throw out there. Somebody for a fucking hand. All
right, here they go, watchhim here we are hearty. I love
it. That's the winner. Ilove that's the natural eleven the winner.
Leave the money down. Wait aminute, I leave them on. Eight
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talents man not slim. An editoris in permission. I'll give you another
chance. You would stick to me. I'm put to you all right.
All right, here they go.There you are say six? Six is
the mine? Six? Here theygo again? Watch them are six right
back. I will leave the moneyalone. Wait, leave the money alone.
Now, don't lose, No,I don't what'd you on the first
time? Where did you just roll? Day? Six? Six? Twelve
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craps fox cars, big pennies,our producer mister Demill, Act two of
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Buck Private, Darling, Bud Abbat, s Middy and Lou Costello as Herbie
Privates. Fifteen thousand strong have arrivedat camp. They're not an army yet,
but in those straggling ranks of theraw material of a mighty fighting boss
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on the preat ground. Company casestands and attention as an officer passes down
the lines. As I said before, I'm captain with him, commanding offer
of this company, and I'm justas new to you as you are for
me. But we all have thesame job ahead of us. A great
many people are counting on all success, people from all walks of life who
are giving to this great national defenseprogram just as much as you or I.
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No one expects you to be seasonedsoldiers over night, but I'm going
to do everything we can to helpyou in every possible way. I believe
that if we all work together,that we'll make k Company of Uman,
of which any regiment can be prowled. Sargeant Callahan appoint acting Corporals and assignment
to the tenth dees her All right, man come of one, three,
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four, five, seven eight,nine eleven. Well, all right,
all right, next sun it alright, alright, so what Smith thirteen?
Who like some number like that?Come on, man, come on,
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get those bunks made caps two fiveminutes ago. Now get to work.
Come up a nice job, Parker. I never knew you made your own
bed at home. I must haveforgotten to tell you. Hurry up,
Herbie, make up that dead.I think only one bocks a month to
be a chambermaid A new sager.What ye says this? Hay up that
mess? Hey smitty, that voicesounds pamidious, too familiar. It's that
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cop, the one who is gonnapinch this. Come on, let's get
out of here, grab your stuffquick. Well, well look good here,
so you two boys are in mysection anymore. We're resigning. Come
on, Herbie here ready you thinkyou're going they collect my social security?
You can't collect your thoughts of securitytill you're sixty five? Seeing you?
Are you? It's thirty five years? Put that trip down, pull it
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down, all right, all right, I'm over there climbing to that bunk.
Sogeant, Yeah, I got aconfession to me. Well I ain't
got my nighty on yet. Goodbunk, all right, Smitty, I
don't think that guy likes spin.Why, hey you, what's your name?
Parker? Where did you want tomake up a funk military school?
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Why didn't you tell the first sergeantyou might have made you an acting corporal.
You're gonna have a whole army bynext week. I'll be through with
it. Uh, you're the onethey've been talking about, Eh, the
dude with all the grey's me sorWell, drag yourself into that bunk,
got along day head of it,Tomorro and everybody quiet, say that way,
Sagean? Yeah, will you tellme a bedtime story? God?
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Alright? And then is the recreationhall? So just the privilege to come
to the recreation hall whenever they're offto Hey, you know, it's very
nice of you to show me aroundus. Ray. Yes, I'm sure
you never thought it yourself, PrivateParker. Oh never, he look,
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Judy, I want to talk toyou. How about forgetting what happened at
the station. I've already forgotten it. Well it for your own pault,
you know, my fat certainly heshouldn't be so beautiful. Yes, right
up, fucker, I got amessage for you, Captain William. Let's
see it. Oh that's fine,may be hurting the old man. I
better go, Judy. Of courseyou wait here. I'll be right back,
say herb me. Who can't youthat message? I happen to know
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that Captain William just left camp ofthe weekend. I got a message for
you too. You have that guyover there five months you want to see
it? Okay, everybody, I'lltake over now. Thanks, Say what
is it? You may not knowit, but you've just been risking.
The captain doesn't want to see Parker, but I want to see you.
Oh the old army game. Uhcome on, I'll say, Judy,
I want to show you the moreall right, Bob, but I've got
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to right back. Oh boy,I feel just like chupid Ody? Are
herby? Old boy? I have? I'm doing pretty good. You know
you're looking great, fella. AndI was just standing over there thinking,
now there's a real soldier. Yes, Herbie, you are really Herbie.
(23:17):
You look swelling uniform. You knowI'm proud to be your friend. To
stuff right there. I ain't gota penny, got a penna all right?
Time? You talk like that's gonnacost me something. Wait a minute,
Herbie, I didn't ask you forany money? I know, but
you got that luck and you're right? Ah no, no, no,
did I ask you for any money? Now? Listen, you cleaned me
up in that type game, didn'tyou. You gave me a lesson.
That's all I know. No,by the way, will you do me
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a favor? Here it comes?I know, it's why it's kurbie.
I'm broke. You have blown mea few bucks? Will you? How
many bucks? Is a few bucks? Very little? All I need is
fifty dollars? Fifty dollars? Smittye, I can't win. You're fifty dollars.
Oh, yes you can. No, I can't. Oh I got
is forty dollars. All right,give me the forty dollars. Okay,
Yeah, it's fine. Now youowe me ten? Okay, I are
you ten? All right? Waita minute, smitty, how come I
(24:02):
a you ten? Well? Whatdid I ask you for? You asked
me for fifty dollars? How muchdid you give? No? I gave
you forty dollars, so you oweme ten dollars? Excuse me? That's
right, that's okay. Why doyou want me forty? No? No,
no, no, don't change thesubject. I'm not changing the subject.
You're trying to change my finances.Come on, maney, give me
back my forty dollars. No,right here, take it. Hey,
(24:22):
you're forty dollars. I'll give methe ten dollars you're me okay, yeah,
I'm paying you on account on theground, on a count. I
don't know how I come forward toyou. That's the way you feel it.
Other that's the last time I've everasked you for a loan of fifty
dollars. Just a minute's minute.Don't get short men, How can I
lend you fifty dollars? Now?Oh? I got us thirty. Well
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give me the thirty dollars and youlow me twenty. It's just getting worse
all the time. Do you meanfirst, I owe you ten, now
I owe you twenty. Why doyou run yourself into dead? I'm not
running in your pushing me. Ican't help it if you can't handle your
fine as answers. I do allright with my money. You got doing
all right with mine too. Nowwait just a minute. Now, Look,
I asked you for the loan offifty dollars and you gave me thirty,
(25:07):
So you owe me twenty dollars.Twenty and thirty is fifty? No,
no, no, twenty five andtwenty five, that's fifty. All
right, all right, here's yourthirty dollars. I'll give me back to
twenty dollars. You're me. Idon't know. Something's wrong. I don't
know what it is, but something'sscrew You're a fine guy. Home loan
a pal fifty dollars? How canI lend you fifty? All I got
now was ten? Well, listen, they show you that I'm your pal.
(25:30):
You want to double that money?Come, I say you're not listen,
let's all go on out. Yes, I about that and I wait,
wait a minute. I don't wantthat kind of money. Only uping
up with me all the time.You know that. Now, Look,
take a number, any number atall, from one to ten, and
don't tell me I got it.The number of other reasons? What's three?
No, don't pull up. Idon't hold you. Can I told
you I don't want but can Itruth too? I don't want to can
(25:52):
that truth? All right? Idon't want that kind of money. Didn't
tell him I'm truthful, I know, but I'd be cheating you that way.
Yeah, I did not come onthat's not all over you. That's
not all. Now take a numberI got now? Is the number all
or even? Even? Is thenumber between one and three? No?
Between three and five, I think, thank god? Then is the number
between five and seven? Yeah?Number six? Right? All right,
(26:15):
I win, give me the ten. Thanks? Heard of you, all
boy? How did he do that? Come in? Parker? Hey,
you're not here to see Captain Williamsagain, are you? I'll say,
I'm supposed to see the general thistime? Just a minute? Ivate Parker's
(26:37):
here, sir, Oh yes,any man? Fivate Parker reporting, sir
at ease, bettle Parker. Ibelieve you know this gentleman here, I
believe so. Hello Dad, howare my boy? Let me see you?
Well, you're looking better than yourletters indicated. I feel fine.
I thought you'd forgotten about me.Dad. Did you pick anything up in
Washington? Well? I had alittle difficulty, but everything is the ring.
(27:00):
Oh that's fine. Why don't youtake a look around the grounds while
I get out of my uniform?I can't. Why not because I have
to return to Washington ad once,and because you're not getting out of that
uniform. But what you just saidthat I just fixed everything up. Well,
I have, Harker, it seemsthat your father has a little more
respect for army life and army executionsthan you have. Excuse me, sir,
(27:21):
I don't understand all. This isnot very difficult, Randy. This
camp may be short of sport roastersand chorus girls, but it's actually equipped
to make a man out of aplayboy. You are going to stay here
and put in your time, andyou're going to like it. One two
(27:42):
one two one who one? Whoeat? Camp out? Well made?
In all my experience, you arethe sick Thomases I've ever had, the
miss brilling. Oh geez, thanksso square for me, Tappa Harry,
you listen, How can you beso stupid? I don't know. It
(28:04):
just comes to me natural well orsomething else coming you, And I'm good
to see you could get it.Private Smith right here, Sager Smith,
do you think you know what it'sall about? I want you to take
these men and work with them allday and see if you can work from
fence into them. I'man not that, yes, sir, Oh boy,
Hi smite, You're gonna be acaptain. Huh detail attention, It's all
(28:25):
right, falls tell it numbous.Here's my pound. Anything I want to
it's okay with me. You lookat that smile off your face. You
couldn't attention you pound. It's methat hurt me. Quiet more worried out
of you, and I'll slam youinto the jug. Okay, it's smith.
You want to be a big man. You want to be a captain.
Say, get a captain, ageneral? What are you a commander?
(28:48):
You know? Hurry? Why areyou doy? What am I doing?
What are you? Alright? I'mtalking to my show. I don't
talk so loud. Oh, Igotta hear what I gotta sayquiet, come
off one see ingom it? Giveme here yourself, I'm saying. I
will warn you again. I'll getyour chin up. Get it out,
all right? Throwing a head andit's getting at what do you hit me
out of the tin for? Therewas it on? Throw out your chest?
(29:11):
Huh? Throw out your chest?Yeah, well, thraw it out,
get it out, way out,way out, way out, throw
it out. I'm not throwing ityet. Okay, fuck you give me
here. Just keep quiet. Iknow they're talking. Quiet you know the
talking glass right? Report me goahead? Never mind that put me in
a break. I don't. I'llput you someway. Right shoulder, arm,
(29:37):
I said, right shoulder on,that's your left shoulder. I'm left
in it. Get it over there. It feels better over my head.
Get it over there. Never sashato come from the kite, big man.
Quiet, Okay, it's over there. Head, Quiet, it's over
there. Finally on the side,ok, keep it over that differences i'd
make what side you put it onthe way to come out the same way?
Mind that what I know about agun anyway? You don't know anything
(29:59):
about a tell how to handle agun? Gives me a Gunny says,
go ahead, shoot it Will,that's all you have to do. Three
million guys, and I gotta side. I gotta pick out a guy named
Will. How do you have donelike that? Such? And Collins?
Gut, what do you mean?He's got a nice gun, shoots bullets
for three miles and throws rocks therest of the way. Here that detail.
(30:25):
Let's show on right, hold on, Let's hold on right, hold
on, let's hold on right,sold on. I'm like, all right,
all right, make up your mind. Come on, hal, come
back here. I have got somethingI'm going Hal, you forget I forgot
to stay there. Get read itright? Hold on, that's right,
let's try shut up? What didI'm talking here? A machine? Get
(30:48):
it's discouraging by it? Present armokay, take it. What do you
think you're doing? I'm presenting itto you, I know, come on,
take it. I don't want it, you asked, No, I
didn't that. I don't want toeat it. Pick up that gun.
Take that gun up, take itup. Not until I got ready,
pick that gun up? I said, nothing until I get ready, And
(31:11):
I said, pick that gun up. I think I'm ready. Now I
pick it up. And stop findingthat gun at your temple. Oh,
you don't have to worry about that. Why not? It ain't loaded?
Looked, Hey, Herbie, takethat gun away from your temple to make
it can't get loaded? Bucks,Herbie, drop that gun? Okay,
(31:36):
alright, don't pay. Don't paintHerbie, it's toy. Hello Judy,
Hello, Private Parker, you're goingmy way? Thank you. No,
I'm waiting here for someone. Ohwell, if you're waiting for Private Martin,
I'm afraid he won't be able tokeep his date with you. Oh
(31:56):
oh, I think I understand thecaptain the same, not exactly. He's
shooting with the company rifle. Damwhen I having comes up a contest.
Oh, yes, I heard thoseboys in Tennessee. But I don't do
the start of the team. Well, I wasn't. The last morning and
the strangest thing happened my wrist.I could hardly move it. I told
Captain Williams about it. He replacedme with the sixth man on the store.
Sheheet, Oh, and Bob wasthe sixth man of course, of
(32:21):
course, Well how does you riskyoull now? Why? It's much better
thanks. In fact, it's completelycured. In other words, you walked
out on your teammates just to Chisselaa day with me. Is that it?
Well, you're a lot more attractivethan a target. I think you
ought to know something, mister Parker. I don't think it will matter to
you. But the men you soldout that every cent they had on the
team, that means on you theydid. I never mentioned that to me.
(32:44):
All Right, I'll make their lossesgood with what money? What else
can I do? It's just thateasy for you, isn't this. Well,
I'll tell you one thing. There'sno price tag on loyalty of friendship.
I didn't ask for this uniform.Why should I take it seriously?
After what you did today? Theonly friend you'll have in camp is a
guy that looks at you out ofthem, and if he had any sense,
he'd keep his thigh away from youas I'm going. Wait a minute,
(33:04):
Judy, Wait, yeah, hehad leave him hon a buck had
showing up that gag about hiding hishand, that was a hot one.
Ask me every rick I had.I bought him buck to that carry.
Let me see heat out of twentyone. I ain't gonna get it.
Step way, all right, I'msorry we lost the rifle match. What
do you mean, Lee? Iwant to make your losses good. Don't
tell me how much you dropped.I think I'll take a walk. There's
(33:27):
a strange smell around here. I'llwait him out. And I thought I
was sorry. What do you wantme to do? Backflips? Yeah,
wise guy, and we're just aBoischilton flip. Don't you suck him,
Harry? I had that pleasure myselfonce, and I'd like another crack at
him. Now, all right,Martin, let's go ahead. Wait hit,
no fight now, fine, I'llstop. I don't want to see
anybody get hip. I don't interpearherby. I got at the fierce meet.
Somebody's gonna get head stop wall followsbefore somebody gets hurt. Oh oh,
(33:52):
I'm sorry, Herbie. You seehe got me. He shocked me
right in the eye. I toldyou not to interferell. What hey?
Boys cut out? Such higgers tigersto sarge? What is it? What's
the matter in here? Nothing atall? Such nobody was fighting in here
on us? How'd you get thatblack eye? What black eye? Have
(34:12):
I got a black eye? Liftingyou? I don't know what's going on
in here, but I'll bet youwere in the middle of it. You
said it shut out or you're findingyourself on KP. Now I want it
quiet here. I don't want tohear another pea bud of you guy?
What there's going to be trouble?What an army? What a sergeant?
Give me liberty or give me death? Benjamin Franklin or vice versa. I'm
(34:38):
getting sick of it. I don'tknow why he's always tack them on.
I don't don't feel so bad.Please, I sucked me right in the
eye. Well it was your ownpot, not around it, mind,
you. I'm right in it.I know here, Herbie, you can
listen to my radio. Thanks,Minny. It's all right. You're the
only friend I got around here.Who's doing that? Who's playing that radio?
(35:00):
No party, it's playing by itself. I turn it off, pay
it off? All right? Theyhave to get up at five forty five
in the morning. I'll keep itquiet in here, see Spinny, see
what I mean? Go on andplay the radio. Wait a minute.
You heard what the guy said.He said, keep it quiet, don't
wait the radio? Oh what areyou worrying about? He's only the sogeant.
Don't matter you scared him. Goon play the radio or you like,
(35:22):
play it loud? Okay, whatdid I just ask you? Didn't
I can you get the minute withthree peep? I mean when I tell
you they've got to get up atfive forty five in the morning. Now,
don't plan it? Okay, anymore noise in here. I'm going
to get good for now, quaet, go on and play the radio.
(35:46):
Smite, the man said, don'tplay it in premphesis. He said,
go on, gone play the radio. Listen. You're an American, said
lizen, aren't you? Yes?And this is a free country, isn't
it sure? And what are youworrying about? Go on play the radio?
He comes in here again. Idon't tell him all? You will,
sure I will. Don't forget?Now tell him all? You just
(36:07):
leave it to me. Oh,shut it up, listen you for hen,
Smitty, he's not you not toplay that thing? Didn't I tell
you to? The men were asleep? Smitty? Well are you gonna tell
him? Shut up? And you'relisten to me playing aside? My friend's
got something to tell you, asleek. He ain't gonna tell me anything.
He's asleep, asleep, sleep,sleep, wake up? Don't go
(36:29):
to sleep to me at a timelike this, Smid. Leave him alone.
Okay, look you, I'm gonnagive you one more chance, but
don't get funny see or one morecrack out of you, and I'll shake
you up like a terrier, shakethe rat. I'd like to see you
doing. Oh you'll never say athing, but I heard you. You
(36:52):
take you like to see me doing? I just say that. Well,
who's who sleep? Wake up?Will you wake up? Leave him alone?
Missus sars he wants a tighter something? Why what that blimbering? I
look you love your mouth. I'mgetting very annoyed with you. Why don't
(37:17):
you behave Why don't you be quietlike your buddy here? This is quite
all right. I consent sleep.I remember, don't open your mouth,
because if you do, I'm goingto close it for you. This is
your last turn, buddy. Allright, one more wise remark, and
I want you right in the note. I'd like to see you do it
(37:44):
to let it go, Let itgo. He pause. Now for station
identification. Best is the Columbia BroadcastingSystem. Now mister Demil returns to the
(38:17):
microphone. Curtain rises on the thirdact of Buck Privates. Several weeks have
gone by the boys from Company Ka rounding at the barn. The sergeant
says that some of them are bornsoldiers, but the two of them never
should have been born at all.He refers across to herby and smitted,
(38:39):
Now in the recreation hall, there'sa boxing match about to begin. Our
two Buck Privates are in the frontrow. Yes a minute, man in
the next match, Private Bill McGuirel Company challenges any man, particularly any
man from company. Wait a minute, shut a minute, all right,
(39:04):
manute, Company k ain't gonna lethim get away. With that, are
we? Why not somebody from mycompany shoul volunteer to fight him? At
the boy herbies? All right,boys, okay, we've got a volunteer.
Let's go Wait an wait a minute, what volunteer? Who volunteered?
Why you did, Herbie? Thatwas only a suggestion? Come on,
come on, take off your shirt. Wait a minute, Smitty stop,
(39:27):
I don't want to fight that fellup. I ain't even mad at him.
You mean to say you're scared ofthat little guy over there? I
mean a ticket that I am.Don't be silly here he comes down,
look at him? Oh hello,soldier, Hey, who are you?
I'm the fella you're gonna fight.May the best man win? No man,
smitty, so long? Shut theguy? What's the guy? You?
Wait? En? Light it up? Pro sure you will, hey,
(39:52):
smittye right, I can picture myselfnow the whole precious crowd. I'm
coming down the aisle. I jumpin the ring at the boy. I
drew up my rope, the wholecrowd. Let's talk a terrific roar or
what happened? I forgot to puton my pants now, Hi for toungues,
sit down on this corner. Letme I'm with now. Listen,
kidd, when you get out therein the ring, when you get him
out there alone, you understand givehim that old one tree one three,
(40:14):
one three, what happened to two? Two? You get? That's what
I was afraid of. And infederal change a change, he says.
Private maguire has been taken sick bygoing to substitute Roaring Bill McGonagall, former
contender fall the Heavyweight Championship of theWorld. Let me out, ad down,
(40:37):
sit down me, come hold on, no stop it. You can't
run now, just give me achance to watch my listen, you're staying
right here and now quiet? Allright? Heard me? I'm up here.
I'm refereeing this about Oh that's fine, maguinda girl. Come here where
the guy. I'm glad welcome inthe little pieces. This is the guy
(40:58):
right here. I see I'm gettinga heavy take me away in a white
wagon. You mean an ambulance,I don't mean the consumer man. All
right, boys, you know therules, go holding a quinsion, break
clean and no hittingm alow the belt. You mean I can't hit him like
(41:21):
that? How you can't hit himlike that? And you cannot do this
either, Oh, but I cando that, can I got me all
right? But you cannot do this. Oh I shake hand, boys,
I don't have My hands are shakenalready that act, this one doesn't come
(41:45):
out. Fight go ahead right afterMurphy. Stop the fight, Stop the
fight. What's the matter? I'mwinding? Get it out? Fight all
right? All right? Herby,Why don't you stop some of those punches?
You don't see anything? Get theboy, do you kiddy? This
(42:07):
ty is yellow? What's the matter? He won't come down on the floor.
Fight like a man. Get up, Come on, get up and
fight. You can't lose. Yougot a horse shoe in your glove,
and that time must have the restof our horse in his Oh one two
(42:37):
Herbie, Herbie, army ol hellaw, wake up, palel, wake up,
Oh, wake up, wake up? Thanks the boy? Is it
over? It's all over? Powyou know something? I hear birds seeing?
Well? Sure? It's morning,pal, Oh? Morning? What
morning? Tuesday? What day wasthe fight? It's Friday? Friday.
(43:00):
I had a long rest, didn'tI? Everybody out right? Come on,
Harvey on your feet, Oh myky, we'll mark you on.
Fifteen minutes, yes, sir,comedy Kay woll mart you order at fifteen
minute. Hey, what goes ongoing on? My nova? It once
manover. It was like a shambattle. A sham battle. I should
have stayed in bed. Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of Barravia audience.
(43:30):
This is Terry Mason speaking you directlyfrom a central observation point for the most
extensive army maneuvers ever attempted by theUnited States in peacetime. From my post,
I can see several miles of thebattlefield. I'm looking through my glasses
now towards Collington Cliff, one ofthe points of defense for the Blue Armies.
It's a huge hill of granite withonly one possible means of approach,
(43:51):
the west side. The other sidesare sheer drops of one hundred to two
hundred feet. It's a neat problemfor the Red Army. Now I myself,
Come on, Harvey, keep walking. Hey, I can welcome from
this minnie. My feet are tilling. No wonder you've got two left shoes
(44:13):
on? Is that wrong? Oh? Certainly right, You're dumb. I
don't know what's wrong with you,Smithy. You certainly are dumb. Well
w to prove to you how dumb, you really are. Suppose you had
ten dollars one pants pocket and fivedollars in the other pants pocket, what
would you have, Captain Spencer?No, ask me something a little sense
to it. Answer? Yeah,all right, love, all right,
(44:34):
Say you're forty years old. You'reforty years old, and you're in love
with the little girl, say tenyears old. This one's gonna be a
pen I wait to ie finish it. I'm going around with a ten year
old card. Well, wait aminute, they're not a good idea where
I'm gonna wind up a minute,just a minute. You're forty years old
and you're in love with this littlegirl ten years old. You're four times
as old as the girl. Youcouldn't marry or could you not? The
less I come from the mountain dollars. You're porty. She's ten or four
(44:57):
times as old as a girl.So you eight five years. The little
girl is fifteen. You're forty five. Now you're only three times as old
with that little girl. So youwait fifteen years more. Now the little
girl is thirty, you're a sixty. Now you're only twice is old with
that little girl. She's catching up. Yeah, now here's the question,
how long do you have to waitfor? You? And that little girl
become the same aid? Now,way I'm gonna tak the whole thing is
we take? There? Nothing reading? If I keep waiting for that girl,
(45:17):
she'll pass me up. What doyou mean? She'll wind up all
the night. What are you talking? She'll have to wait for me?
Why should she wait for you?Alright? What's nice enough? Don't wait
for her? No, Herbie Sitty, Come on, hi, you're Randy.
Watch cookie, listen you fellow's gottahelp me. Bob Martin's up on
sconnars and clip? What's she doingup there? Try to climb up and
(45:39):
pull a surprise attack on the BlueArmy? You got a halfway up and
slip? Wait a minute, don'ttell me. I can't stand it.
No, he's all right, buthe twisted his leg or something. You
stuck on the ledge up there?Well, what are you going to do?
I'm gonna climb up to the ledgeof the rope, but I'll need
some help. Somebody's got to climbup with me. Now, who's it
going to be? Who's it goingto be? Herbie? Well? Here
we going bay almost done? Mine? Can you hold on a little longer.
(46:08):
Sure, Smitty, I'm right downhere. Come on you dot you
fine? Hey, Hervey, holdof that rope up there? I said
it? Watch it? Smnny.Well wait a minute, Martin, are
you all right? Sure? I'mfine. Come on, I'll get you
(46:28):
back to camp. He was justabout saved my life, mister ogadad.
We're in the army on me anyway. I didn't want to see you missed
that date with Judy for Maybe wewant to keep it together. My thanks,
come on, let's go. HeyMidday, what's up for the rope?
Hey? What are you doing upthere? Hold up? Down?
No? No, no, no, no, wait wait, don't know
that rope? Hold out with along listen you don't. How do you
(46:50):
expect to get down without the rope? I never give him? What?
Hervey? Herbie? How did youget up in that tree? How do
I get a three? I said? What? It was? The hate
for good bys? He's Randy Parker, Hello, Randy, Hello, come
(47:16):
on, I'll buy your soda sodanothing, I'll buy you a man string.
A couple month, I thought youguys were bro bro Hey, this
this looks like we're bro Oh wheretogether? Why were we just about busting
the Blue Army at ten to one. Hey, Randy, what are you
getting out of the army? Oh? I thought I changed my mind about
that. I'll get out from mytime. That's the stuff. Hello Randy,
(47:36):
Oh hello Judy. I've been hearingthings about you from Bob. May
I have this dance sodio? Mayyou have this on away waiting for come
on? Very nice guy, thatRandy. Yeah, you know that's really
something over coming to handy. Comeup being a minuionaire. Geeh me,
I wish I was a handicapped likethat? Well? Well, boys,
how I at? Hey did Iclean out the Blue Army? Look at
(47:57):
the door I have hellas Hey,that's not bad side. Go on,
Herbie, show them what we want? Yeah, hey, what we want?
Well, last quitter or two say, Heybee, tell me did you
ever shoot dice? Dice? Yeah? Dice, but you know it's a
little game, no kidding. Yeah. Would you like to step outside with
me for a minute? Thank you, Sarge. I would be very happy
(48:21):
to accept your most cordial invitations.Herbie, how can you do it?
I'm u bae boy. That's themoment our stars will return for their curtain
(48:45):
calls. Now here's mister Demill withour stars come here and sean private,
Tabit and Costello step forward for curtaincalls. Gentlemen, you gave a distinguished
performance stinkish no wait, no,no, no, no no, what
kind of fuck is don no?No no wait that French is from now?
(49:06):
No no, no no. Themill means you were great. You
were terrific, colossal stupinionus only fair, huh I no, tonight you take
your place in the lux radio therebesides such artists as Irene Dunn, William
Powell Manorloy Ronald Colman and Heady Love. Remember you must be dignified now that
you're a great actor. I begyour parton I am sunny? Who get
(49:30):
the fuck on me? Who?You should be? Sorry, I'm a
bad boy. I'll never win theAcademy Award, of course not. I'm
answering for you the Academy Award.The Academy Award usually go to a great
(49:54):
dramatic performance. Love, you're apuffoon. I listen here, kid,
No more cracks my head. Iwait the mill. I don't go out
of that kind of stuff. I'llwait a minute. You know, I
need to be a little chubby.But I'm no puff nay. But the
kid made a remark only a puffalo, I mean he did nothing of the
kind. He said a perfoom.He means you're funny. I'm afraid he's
(50:19):
impossible. I wash my hands them. I knew he'd get luxe in here
somewhere. You in low but myfalls the night you'll tell Tower on Power
you're awailver A. Sponsors joined mein inviting you to be with us again
(50:46):
next Monday night. The successor bythe mill saying good night to you from
the bud blood gusting system
Much Radio Theater brings you, BudAbbit and Lou Costello in Butt Private,
Ladies and Gentlemen, you're a producer, mister Cecil b DeMille. Greetings from
Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen to aproducer. One of the most gratifying sounds
(00:37):
in the theater is what may beclassified academically as the ventro ricis the backstage.
We have a slang name for itthat I'll call the tumming laugh.
Past masters are producing this phenomenon arethe night star Bud Abbot and Lou Costello,
who hit Hollywood with the force ofa hurricane less than a year ago.
(00:58):
The picture that put them over wasBuck Privates, which Universal are made
in the ordinary course of the studioschedule. Suddenly, one day everybody on
the lock, from office boy topresident, woke up to the fact that
gold had been discovered in Universal City. Buck Privates had panned out as a
bonanza. And that's the play we'vepicked for Abbitt and Costello's debut in the
Lux Radio Theater. It's a storyof life in an army camp, some
(01:23):
highly imaginary army camp, where atent flap opens and Abbott and Costello blow
in with the draft. But ofcourse any similarity between this play and life
in the armed Forces of the Republicis purely coincidental. Hiding behind the curtain
now are Abbott and Costello. Sowe'll raise it for the best act of
Buck Private, starring Bud Abbott asSmitty and Lou Costello as Herbie, with
(01:48):
Benny Rubin as Sergeant Collins, LynnCarver as Judy, and gene O'Donnell as
Bob. September fourteenth, nineteen forty, Congress passes the first peace time Selective
Training Act in the history of ournation. From the farms they come,
(02:13):
and from the factories, some quadvillagers, from roarings. It is the
youth of America on the march,swelling the ranks. The volunteers, step
right up, Palace, volunteers inthis line craft. He's over there,
keep it moment, Palace. That'san army recruiting station in a vacant movie
theater with a long line of menoutside. But just down the street,
(02:34):
two boys who haven't heard the newsyet. These two boys don't know what
day it is. One of themdoesn't even know what time it is.
They're up to their old trick tellingneckties on street corners. Now, gather
around me, Jens, just alittle closer. Thank you, thank you.
That's fine now, Jens, Idon't want to give you any sales
talk. But never in my lifehave I ever had the opportunity of presenting
such merchandise. Look at these neckties. Feel that material? Pardon me?
(02:58):
Will you please step aside, misterlet that little pet boy in. I
like to buy a tie. Son. Hey, yes, sir, how
much money have you got? Igotta have a city it twenty eight dollars.
Oh, you've got twenty eight dollarsin a vicinity and the neighborhood.
I got three bucks. Then youhave three dollars. Yes, sir,
we'll please speaking when you're smooth itout. I got a buck. Wait
a minute, just a minute.Then you have a dollar. I got
a dollar. Oh, I justhand it over. Please, thank you.
The gentleman buys ten times ten fora dollar is cheap. I'll take
(03:22):
that of them. Hey, Patty, how can you sell ties that cheap?
Oh that's easy, my sir.We ain't got the overhead. We
ain't even gonna license to sell tieif I get it. Now, you
two guys are working in cahoots.How whole things again? Those ties aren't
even more to nickels, I'm gonnacall a cop. Hey off, now
look what you did. Grab thoseties and let's get going before the cops
come. Come on, we'll happingthat green and white texicab. All right,
step on a driver. We're tryingto get away from a cop.
(03:43):
Now I ain't there, just dandy, Ay, it's a cop. We're
in a police car. Let meout. Come back, all right,
man, keep pulling voluntisites line.Draft. He's over there volunteering this line.
(04:05):
Draft. He's over there. Drafty'sover there. Oh boy, come
on herby, Oh advertized, Igot them, boy, we sure got
await not dumb top. Hell,come on, we've got to hide somewhere.
Hey, smitty, let's hide inthe movies. What movies? That
line over there, they must begoing to see a picture. Looks like
it. Well, let's get inline and buy a couple of tickets.
Okay, excuse me, brother,Hey, what's the idea? I want
(04:26):
to get a line I have?Get in the back where you belong?
Oh guy, hack, you wantto fight? Take your cold off?
All right? My coats off?Now what it's much cooler this way in
now, please cut it off,Herbie, no fighting. Let's get the
tickets. Okay, hey, looklook at the way they trust the ticket
seller like a soldier. Held on, brothers, What can I do for
you? Oh that's good. Wewant to know how much it cost to
(04:46):
get in. Not a thing,boys. As a matter of fact,
we're going to give view twenty onedollars. You're gonna give us twenty one
dollars? Huh fat night? Evennydishes away? Oh? Ten plates,
tin plates? That's a novelist.Men, No, we can start a
new set. Sure, come on, step inside or yeah, perby,
or we won't get a seat.Okay, hey, you shut you?
(05:08):
What pictures playing in here? Whatpicture you're in the army now? Oh
that's well under the sun that picture, ohry Joe? Come on, new
customers? Well fine, fine,hello boys, Drafty, No, not
a bit you feel Grafty's made?Not me. I feel very comfortable in
this joint here. Well good,now, let's get your registered. Yeah,
come on, let's get registered beforethe drawing start. You to kick
(05:30):
on a win hussman? Sure signright here? Please? Oh please,
oh boy, what a light?You should quiet? Please? And now
let me have your signature right here. Please, I'd be delighted, and
I hope I win. Everybody isso happy around here. Well, congratulations,
man, we're glad to have youin the army. Thank you.
(05:51):
We're very glad to be why yeah, yeah, just a moment. Oh,
Schmitty, the same cop? Yeah, the same cop. What's the
matter, officer? I owe theseguys a pitch. Come on, boy,
wait a minute. They're in thearmy, officer. You can't touch
(06:11):
them now, there you see whyseguys, Now you're in the Armyeah.
Well, I'm joining up myself tomorrow. I'll be seeing you boys. What
am I laughing at all? Right? Then, here are your orders.
(06:43):
Report up the High Street Armory atseven o'clock. You leave the railway station
at nine until in What happened?The officer dismissed us. You mean we're
fired before we even get started.Oh no, we have time off till
seven o'clock. Hello, fellows,go to mat sure here. Thanks.
My name is Martin, Bob Martin. By a neighbor, I'm Smitty.
This is Herbie. Hello Herby.Were you drafted? Two? Nohing,
(07:06):
I'm in voluntary volunteer. Oh,Martin, when you get my hat,
I left it the other room.I think you'd better get it yourself.
Mister Parker, what's that? I'mnot working for you anymore, I'll look,
Martin. I thought we had tounderstood if we happened to get in
the same company. I wanted youto keep right on with your job.
I'll pay you, of course,thanks, But we're just a couple of
buck privates. Now you won't needto show for mister Parker. All right,
(07:28):
Martin, I won't be in verylong anyhow. Maybe if you behaved
yourself, I could get you outof me through your father, I suppose,
well, he has a little influencein Washington. You know, what
do you say? I'm not havingany thank you. I'll serve my time
like everybody else. Go ahead,mister poker. I've worked for you for
two years, haven't I. That'sright. It's been quite an experience.
I'd carried you upstairs and put youto bed any number of times. Yes,
(07:49):
But why I bring that up?Remember that night I froze both my
ears waiting for you, and thataccident you had when I took the rap
and went to jail for you.Look, Martin, let's not reminit.
Yeah, but we're in the armynow, so I think it's about time
I tendered my resignation very well.Tend yes, sir. We do you
mind putting up your hands, misterParker? Anything to oblige an old friend?
H So long, mister Parker,I'll see you at camp. Well
(08:13):
what do you think of that?You know, Schmitty? That gives me
an idea? Yeah? What,I've been working field for six years.
So now we're in the army.Well, and it's all your fault.
What do you mean? So I'mgonna tend to you my designation Herby Herby.
You hit me, Smitty, teltme. I didn't mean it.
(08:35):
I must be going out of myhead. Yeah, you're my best friend.
Not now. I didn't realize thatI hit you. I don't know,
Oh, Smitty, never mind.I'll never get away with it again.
I know you will. Please,Minnie, kill me a favor.
When as many no, hit meright in the chin and make me happy,
I will not, as Smitty no, tell let me go to life
with that on my mind. Hitme right in the push winnis Smitty make
(08:56):
me happy right in the kisser allright, and I had a coach to
do it. When you hear that, we're stop to it. How farm
fret cigarette soldier come from itse ofthe off, Judy. Judy is great.
(09:24):
What are you doing here? WhyI joined the No? Really,
I'm a camp postess. Now we'regoing to add the feminins. Hey,
that'll make big brepid more popular.I think it's pretty popular right now,
cigarette spine, See you later,chewing gum apple? Oh hello soldier.
Hello, misscen cigarette. Oh ma'am, Well all about an apples? Have
(09:46):
you got a lollipoppy? I'm sorry? Why you like lollipops? Oh?
I'm just a shucker frosh kings cigaretteapples and you know what's made Gieshi's a
nice soldiers. Oh, stop lookingat her. I was only looking at
her, just if she was lookingat me? S if I was looking
at her? Oh, Keith quiet? What do you always become? Meat
ball? Are you doing? Asoldier? Oh? Hello, hello cigarette?
(10:09):
Thanks? My name's Randy Parker.I miss Parker. I'm Judy Gray.
Well i'll see you camp on.No, wait, don't go,
Oh but I have to. I'mon, Judy. Our hostess first duty
is to keep the soldiers happy.I won't be unless we get better acquaintance.
We'll have plenty of times become acquaintance. Oh but I'll be out of
the arm in a week, soI'm sorry. Oh will you please let
me go? Not until we're abetter acquaintance. What goes on here?
(10:31):
What's the matter? Nothing, Bob, just a fresh recruit trying out the
manual of arms to get us.Judy, I'm running out of gum.
Do you have any coming? Patty? I better tell you something, Parker,
Stay away from that girl. I'lltake my own company bank maybe on
Park Avenue, but not in thearmy. Keep away from Judy. I'm
fre Come on, Dice, Comeon, Dice, do your duty seven
(11:07):
for Papa. Come on just thisonce? And then they go oh freathom
and we boys seven of that show. Come on with your money down,
boy, put you let me haveit? Hey, Senn, Hey,
Hello, Smitty Hallai, Hello Herb. What are you doing your pal?
Smitty just gave us a lesson andDice? Oh yeah, how do you
(11:28):
want that? Playing dice on achoo two train? Yeah? Oh boy,
what is that? Dice? Dice? Watch dice, that's a game
play The game. You ever playa game of dice? Oh? No,
not me? Who you play game? Oh? I played games.
I don't play that game of dice. What do you play? I played
ice Pie, and I played PostOffice, and then I played Jacks Jackson.
(11:50):
Come up to my posies. No, no, no, no,
this is a real game. Yousee there's numbers on there, from one
to six. You roll them out. Oh, you should roll a six
and a one, that's seven,that's an true you win. If you
should roll a five and the twothat's seven, that's not true. You
win. If you should roll afour and a three that's seven, that's
a natural you win. That soyou do is win? Well? No,
oh you can lose too, well. Yes, if you throw like
(12:11):
two ones, that's crap. Shelose. If you throw two six's,
that's craps, she lose. Inother words, seven you in and grabs,
you lose. Hey you can win, Hey you can low teller is
good? Nice? Ten? Youwant to play it? I love till
all. Right, there there's adice. Now wait a minute before you
roll them out. Of course,if you roll them out and you make
a seven, what are you win? Nothing? Well, you don't want
(12:33):
to win nothing, do you not? I I to help it? Well,
certainly not talk. We'll do.We'll each put ten dollars down.
Then when you make your seven,see you pick up twenty dollars. Oh
each put ten dollars down. That'ssminny. But don't call this gambling.
No, no, no no,I don't want my money to find out
about this. Don't worry about that. We'll call it bank knife. All
right, we'll call it bank knife. Okay, go ahead. Now what
(12:54):
do I do with these square things? You just roll them out? And
if you should throw a seven,you win and crap sh lo toma,
that's all. You won't go Younever plays the game. Man, put
your ten dollars down. So youwant to Stanley, I mean you had
it in your hand. I wantto down there, it is there,
it is down. I'm go prown. Now keep it down now, don't
get put off put off? Allright, all right, all right,
stay clear at that? All rightthere you are, don't clear? Go
(13:16):
ahead? Roll okay, you likego? Let them go? Hey?
Seven? I win? Yeah?Oh wait a minute, wait a minute.
I forgot to tell you don't pickup the money, right, I
got to pick up the money.Now no, not now you pick it
up, plays it? Oh youwant me to wait until the money gets
up to my chin? Then Ishoot it down by troup fast the idea.
Well, how do you like thegame so far? It's good you
like it? Never played there?No? All right, Well what do
(13:37):
you want to shoot from? Now? Fat that? Keep your hands to
a salamon. What do you meanpage slap me in a face? You
told me you never played this game. Well it ain't been nice. Now
keep your hands your salamon. Idon't like it. That's all you told
men. You're gonna write to slapme in a punch gesament. You told
me I never played this game.I never played the game before. And
that's that your hands they look atthat paid that. It just comes to
me out of ten air? Whatdo you mean out of premire? I
(13:58):
just part of it, and Isaid it's it wrong. No, it's
too dark. Right? Are yousure you never played this game? Yes,
I'm surprised that you many for youeven to doubt doubt I did.
All right, never mind out allright, I'll take another chance. Throw
him out, go ahead, forgetabout it. Seven You in grabs of
(14:18):
the same thing, and I wantto remind you what's going on. I
keep your hand yourself, quesse.I don't like that. They don't make
those remarks. I don't like youcan kick me, don't slap me.
Never mind, I'll use my ownjudgment. Go ahead, thank you to
them to get throw them out again? Wait seven again, I'm lucky.
Yes, well, I guess it'sbeginner luck. All right, what do
you want to shoot? Now?Let it ride? Wait? Maybe test
(14:43):
a minute. I'll tell you.I'm yourself. I don't talk. I
don't give me that not. Comeon now, steak up like a man.
Now, pull me around, butdon't slash a minute. I'll go.
Don't go for that. Don't tellme about that. What's the army?
Solf a minute? Don't I resign? Wait, you can quit.
I had a better offer from thename because I wait, don't tell me
you got that in there? Watcome on, way you hear it?
No, I knew it. I'mstopping and you did play the game,
(15:07):
not me. Sit, I'm notlying. I'm come on. Speak up.
I was the club hustle, andI saw a bunch of the kids
and they was all around the table, and they had lumps of sugar with
some numbers on them, and theywas throwing them out, and they was
yelling those kind of things. Ohoh, oh, but you didn't play
in the game. Oh no,oh I was too young. Oh I'm
just the boy. No, Iknow that they wouldn't let me play.
(15:28):
Well, I understand it now.It's all right, no heart, no
st on Tuesday, I'm going outwith girls. I sure there you are.
See those kinds of things. WhenI say those things, I'm at
the age where I pick them up. I know that. I know that
I appreciate that. I said,George, yours, my boy. You
can't blame me for that. No, no, no, no, no,
no, no no, go ahead, now keep your hand he you
(15:48):
are now all right? No moreright, everything's all right. Yeah,
go ahead, roll them out thesame thing, same thing. Seven way
absolutely said, good do I know? Yeah, that's the boy. Yeah,
go see the money by way out. Yeah, and my direction until
that's right, go ahead way eleven. Mm hmmmm. You never to say
about eleven four? That's right,Well, eleven don't mean anything. No,
(16:11):
personally, I don't know why theyput those numbers on the dice.
I guess they had a lot ofrooms, so they put extra dot.
That's it. That's it. Itell you what we do. What we'll
call eleven intermission intermission. Say that'sa good name for it. But go
ahead, I'll give you another chance. Intermission insion. I will am out
again. That's right, give meanother chance. Sure you're a regular kiss
you're right. Go ahead, that'smy pal, Go ahead, echo,
(16:33):
that's the boy. We poor littleJoe. Let her know that I'm don't
give me that. Let me inthe price. I don't know, but
that that's all little Joe. Clubout. Hey, I'll fix you in
that club house. Pick up thosedice, not until you say, please
(16:53):
take it up, say please scheckthat up. I put thing it in,
said, I wait a minute,you roll them out? If you
should roll with seven before you makethat poor you lose, yes, ma'am,
Yes, yes, sir, that'sbetter. You gotta be one or
the other. I never mind.I had to go with I sun,
I forget seven. You lose' pardyour plans? Three? Three, you
(17:14):
lose hock on. Well, whydid you roll the first time? Why
did you just roll three? Well? Four and three is what? Seven?
There? You lose? Oh youadd them out? Oh you didn't
learn that at the club house.You never said nothing about Adam up smy
min Now we'll play it smittyt changereadiest change now we'd play it my way.
You want to use my money?Now, why not you use mine?
Long enough? Yes, come on, put it down, okay,
(17:37):
put it all out, put itall down, all out, and I
count it. I'll count it.If you want twenty out there, then
twenty l a l I heading theNFL and none. It's twenty dout of
bella. I'll just throw out there. Somebody for a fucking hand. All
right, here they go, watchhim here we are hearty. I love
it. That's the winner. Ilove that's the natural eleven the winner.
Leave the money down. Wait aminute, I leave them on. Eight
(18:00):
talents man not slim. An editoris in permission. I'll give you another
chance. You would stick to me. I'm put to you all right.
All right, here they go.There you are say six? Six is
the mine? Six? Here theygo again? Watch them are six right
back. I will leave the moneyalone. Wait, leave the money alone.
Now, don't lose, No,I don't what'd you on the first
time? Where did you just roll? Day? Six? Six? Twelve
(18:22):
craps fox cars, big pennies,our producer mister Demill, Act two of
(18:48):
Buck Private, Darling, Bud Abbat, s Middy and Lou Costello as Herbie
Privates. Fifteen thousand strong have arrivedat camp. They're not an army yet,
but in those straggling ranks of theraw material of a mighty fighting boss
(19:11):
on the preat ground. Company casestands and attention as an officer passes down
the lines. As I said before, I'm captain with him, commanding offer
of this company, and I'm justas new to you as you are for
me. But we all have thesame job ahead of us. A great
many people are counting on all success, people from all walks of life who
are giving to this great national defenseprogram just as much as you or I.
(19:37):
No one expects you to be seasonedsoldiers over night, but I'm going
to do everything we can to helpyou in every possible way. I believe
that if we all work together,that we'll make k Company of Uman,
of which any regiment can be prowled. Sargeant Callahan appoint acting Corporals and assignment
to the tenth dees her All right, man come of one, three,
(19:57):
four, five, seven eight,nine eleven. Well, all right,
all right, next sun it alright, alright, so what Smith thirteen?
Who like some number like that?Come on, man, come on,
(20:18):
get those bunks made caps two fiveminutes ago. Now get to work.
Come up a nice job, Parker. I never knew you made your own
bed at home. I must haveforgotten to tell you. Hurry up,
Herbie, make up that dead.I think only one bocks a month to
be a chambermaid A new sager.What ye says this? Hay up that
mess? Hey smitty, that voicesounds pamidious, too familiar. It's that
(20:41):
cop, the one who is gonnapinch this. Come on, let's get
out of here, grab your stuffquick. Well, well look good here,
so you two boys are in mysection anymore. We're resigning. Come
on, Herbie here ready you thinkyou're going they collect my social security?
You can't collect your thoughts of securitytill you're sixty five? Seeing you?
Are you? It's thirty five years? Put that trip down, pull it
(21:03):
down, all right, all right, I'm over there climbing to that bunk.
Sogeant, Yeah, I got aconfession to me. Well I ain't
got my nighty on yet. Goodbunk, all right, Smitty, I
don't think that guy likes spin.Why, hey you, what's your name?
Parker? Where did you want tomake up a funk military school?
(21:23):
Why didn't you tell the first sergeantyou might have made you an acting corporal.
You're gonna have a whole army bynext week. I'll be through with
it. Uh, you're the onethey've been talking about, Eh, the
dude with all the grey's me sorWell, drag yourself into that bunk,
got along day head of it,Tomorro and everybody quiet, say that way,
Sagean? Yeah, will you tellme a bedtime story? God?
(21:47):
Alright? And then is the recreationhall? So just the privilege to come
to the recreation hall whenever they're offto Hey, you know, it's very
nice of you to show me aroundus. Ray. Yes, I'm sure
you never thought it yourself, PrivateParker. Oh never, he look,
(22:11):
Judy, I want to talk toyou. How about forgetting what happened at
the station. I've already forgotten it. Well it for your own pault,
you know, my fat certainly heshouldn't be so beautiful. Yes, right
up, fucker, I got amessage for you, Captain William. Let's
see it. Oh that's fine,may be hurting the old man. I
better go, Judy. Of courseyou wait here. I'll be right back,
say herb me. Who can't youthat message? I happen to know
(22:33):
that Captain William just left camp ofthe weekend. I got a message for
you too. You have that guyover there five months you want to see
it? Okay, everybody, I'lltake over now. Thanks, Say what
is it? You may not knowit, but you've just been risking.
The captain doesn't want to see Parker, but I want to see you.
Oh the old army game. Uhcome on, I'll say, Judy,
I want to show you the moreall right, Bob, but I've got
(22:55):
to right back. Oh boy,I feel just like chupid Ody? Are
herby? Old boy? I have? I'm doing pretty good. You know
you're looking great, fella. AndI was just standing over there thinking,
now there's a real soldier. Yes, Herbie, you are really Herbie.
(23:17):
You look swelling uniform. You knowI'm proud to be your friend. To
stuff right there. I ain't gota penny, got a penna all right?
Time? You talk like that's gonnacost me something. Wait a minute,
Herbie, I didn't ask you forany money? I know, but
you got that luck and you're right? Ah no, no, no,
did I ask you for any money? Now? Listen, you cleaned me
up in that type game, didn'tyou. You gave me a lesson.
That's all I know. No,by the way, will you do me
(23:37):
a favor? Here it comes?I know, it's why it's kurbie.
I'm broke. You have blown mea few bucks? Will you? How
many bucks? Is a few bucks? Very little? All I need is
fifty dollars? Fifty dollars? Smittye, I can't win. You're fifty dollars.
Oh, yes you can. No, I can't. Oh I got
is forty dollars. All right,give me the forty dollars. Okay,
Yeah, it's fine. Now youowe me ten? Okay, I are
you ten? All right? Waita minute, smitty, how come I
(24:02):
a you ten? Well? Whatdid I ask you for? You asked
me for fifty dollars? How muchdid you give? No? I gave
you forty dollars, so you oweme ten dollars? Excuse me? That's
right, that's okay. Why doyou want me forty? No? No,
no, no, don't change thesubject. I'm not changing the subject.
You're trying to change my finances.Come on, maney, give me
back my forty dollars. No,right here, take it. Hey,
(24:22):
you're forty dollars. I'll give methe ten dollars you're me okay, yeah,
I'm paying you on account on theground, on a count. I
don't know how I come forward toyou. That's the way you feel it.
Other that's the last time I've everasked you for a loan of fifty
dollars. Just a minute's minute.Don't get short men, How can I
lend you fifty dollars? Now?Oh? I got us thirty. Well
(24:44):
give me the thirty dollars and youlow me twenty. It's just getting worse
all the time. Do you meanfirst, I owe you ten, now
I owe you twenty. Why doyou run yourself into dead? I'm not
running in your pushing me. Ican't help it if you can't handle your
fine as answers. I do allright with my money. You got doing
all right with mine too. Nowwait just a minute. Now, Look,
I asked you for the loan offifty dollars and you gave me thirty,
(25:07):
So you owe me twenty dollars.Twenty and thirty is fifty? No,
no, no, twenty five andtwenty five, that's fifty. All
right, all right, here's yourthirty dollars. I'll give me back to
twenty dollars. You're me. Idon't know. Something's wrong. I don't
know what it is, but something'sscrew You're a fine guy. Home loan
a pal fifty dollars? How canI lend you fifty? All I got
now was ten? Well, listen, they show you that I'm your pal.
(25:30):
You want to double that money?Come, I say you're not listen,
let's all go on out. Yes, I about that and I wait,
wait a minute. I don't wantthat kind of money. Only uping
up with me all the time.You know that. Now, Look,
take a number, any number atall, from one to ten, and
don't tell me I got it.The number of other reasons? What's three?
No, don't pull up. Idon't hold you. Can I told
you I don't want but can Itruth too? I don't want to can
(25:52):
that truth? All right? Idon't want that kind of money. Didn't
tell him I'm truthful, I know, but I'd be cheating you that way.
Yeah, I did not come onthat's not all over you. That's
not all. Now take a numberI got now? Is the number all
or even? Even? Is thenumber between one and three? No?
Between three and five, I think, thank god? Then is the number
between five and seven? Yeah?Number six? Right? All right,
(26:15):
I win, give me the ten. Thanks? Heard of you, all
boy? How did he do that? Come in? Parker? Hey,
you're not here to see Captain Williamsagain, are you? I'll say,
I'm supposed to see the general thistime? Just a minute? Ivate Parker's
(26:37):
here, sir, Oh yes,any man? Fivate Parker reporting, sir
at ease, bettle Parker. Ibelieve you know this gentleman here, I
believe so. Hello Dad, howare my boy? Let me see you?
Well, you're looking better than yourletters indicated. I feel fine.
I thought you'd forgotten about me.Dad. Did you pick anything up in
Washington? Well? I had alittle difficulty, but everything is the ring.
(27:00):
Oh that's fine. Why don't youtake a look around the grounds while
I get out of my uniform?I can't. Why not because I have
to return to Washington ad once,and because you're not getting out of that
uniform. But what you just saidthat I just fixed everything up. Well,
I have, Harker, it seemsthat your father has a little more
respect for army life and army executionsthan you have. Excuse me, sir,
(27:21):
I don't understand all. This isnot very difficult, Randy. This
camp may be short of sport roastersand chorus girls, but it's actually equipped
to make a man out of aplayboy. You are going to stay here
and put in your time, andyou're going to like it. One two
(27:42):
one two one who one? Whoeat? Camp out? Well made?
In all my experience, you arethe sick Thomases I've ever had, the
miss brilling. Oh geez, thanksso square for me, Tappa Harry,
you listen, How can you beso stupid? I don't know. It
(28:04):
just comes to me natural well orsomething else coming you, And I'm good
to see you could get it.Private Smith right here, Sager Smith,
do you think you know what it'sall about? I want you to take
these men and work with them allday and see if you can work from
fence into them. I'man not that, yes, sir, Oh boy,
Hi smite, You're gonna be acaptain. Huh detail attention, It's all
(28:25):
right, falls tell it numbous.Here's my pound. Anything I want to
it's okay with me. You lookat that smile off your face. You
couldn't attention you pound. It's methat hurt me. Quiet more worried out
of you, and I'll slam youinto the jug. Okay, it's smith.
You want to be a big man. You want to be a captain.
Say, get a captain, ageneral? What are you a commander?
(28:48):
You know? Hurry? Why areyou doy? What am I doing?
What are you? Alright? I'mtalking to my show. I don't
talk so loud. Oh, Igotta hear what I gotta sayquiet, come
off one see ingom it? Giveme here yourself, I'm saying. I
will warn you again. I'll getyour chin up. Get it out,
all right? Throwing a head andit's getting at what do you hit me
out of the tin for? Therewas it on? Throw out your chest?
(29:11):
Huh? Throw out your chest?Yeah, well, thraw it out,
get it out, way out,way out, way out, throw
it out. I'm not throwing ityet. Okay, fuck you give me
here. Just keep quiet. Iknow they're talking. Quiet you know the
talking glass right? Report me goahead? Never mind that put me in
a break. I don't. I'llput you someway. Right shoulder, arm,
(29:37):
I said, right shoulder on,that's your left shoulder. I'm left
in it. Get it over there. It feels better over my head.
Get it over there. Never sashato come from the kite, big man.
Quiet, Okay, it's over there. Head, Quiet, it's over
there. Finally on the side,ok, keep it over that differences i'd
make what side you put it onthe way to come out the same way?
Mind that what I know about agun anyway? You don't know anything
(29:59):
about a tell how to handle agun? Gives me a Gunny says,
go ahead, shoot it Will,that's all you have to do. Three
million guys, and I gotta side. I gotta pick out a guy named
Will. How do you have donelike that? Such? And Collins?
Gut, what do you mean?He's got a nice gun, shoots bullets
for three miles and throws rocks therest of the way. Here that detail.
(30:25):
Let's show on right, hold on, Let's hold on right, hold
on, let's hold on right,sold on. I'm like, all right,
all right, make up your mind. Come on, hal, come
back here. I have got somethingI'm going Hal, you forget I forgot
to stay there. Get read itright? Hold on, that's right,
let's try shut up? What didI'm talking here? A machine? Get
(30:48):
it's discouraging by it? Present armokay, take it. What do you
think you're doing? I'm presenting itto you, I know, come on,
take it. I don't want it, you asked, No, I
didn't that. I don't want toeat it. Pick up that gun.
Take that gun up, take itup. Not until I got ready,
pick that gun up? I said, nothing until I get ready, And
(31:11):
I said, pick that gun up. I think I'm ready. Now I
pick it up. And stop findingthat gun at your temple. Oh,
you don't have to worry about that. Why not? It ain't loaded?
Looked, Hey, Herbie, takethat gun away from your temple to make
it can't get loaded? Bucks,Herbie, drop that gun? Okay,
(31:36):
alright, don't pay. Don't paintHerbie, it's toy. Hello Judy,
Hello, Private Parker, you're goingmy way? Thank you. No,
I'm waiting here for someone. Ohwell, if you're waiting for Private Martin,
I'm afraid he won't be able tokeep his date with you. Oh
(31:56):
oh, I think I understand thecaptain the same, not exactly. He's
shooting with the company rifle. Damwhen I having comes up a contest.
Oh, yes, I heard thoseboys in Tennessee. But I don't do
the start of the team. Well, I wasn't. The last morning and
the strangest thing happened my wrist.I could hardly move it. I told
Captain Williams about it. He replacedme with the sixth man on the store.
Sheheet, Oh, and Bob wasthe sixth man of course, of
(32:21):
course, Well how does you riskyoull now? Why? It's much better
thanks. In fact, it's completelycured. In other words, you walked
out on your teammates just to Chisselaa day with me. Is that it?
Well, you're a lot more attractivethan a target. I think you
ought to know something, mister Parker. I don't think it will matter to
you. But the men you soldout that every cent they had on the
team, that means on you theydid. I never mentioned that to me.
(32:44):
All Right, I'll make their lossesgood with what money? What else
can I do? It's just thateasy for you, isn't this. Well,
I'll tell you one thing. There'sno price tag on loyalty of friendship.
I didn't ask for this uniform.Why should I take it seriously?
After what you did today? Theonly friend you'll have in camp is a
guy that looks at you out ofthem, and if he had any sense,
he'd keep his thigh away from youas I'm going. Wait a minute,
(33:04):
Judy, Wait, yeah, hehad leave him hon a buck had
showing up that gag about hiding hishand, that was a hot one.
Ask me every rick I had.I bought him buck to that carry.
Let me see heat out of twentyone. I ain't gonna get it.
Step way, all right, I'msorry we lost the rifle match. What
do you mean, Lee? Iwant to make your losses good. Don't
tell me how much you dropped.I think I'll take a walk. There's
(33:27):
a strange smell around here. I'llwait him out. And I thought I
was sorry. What do you wantme to do? Backflips? Yeah,
wise guy, and we're just aBoischilton flip. Don't you suck him,
Harry? I had that pleasure myselfonce, and I'd like another crack at
him. Now, all right,Martin, let's go ahead. Wait hit,
no fight now, fine, I'llstop. I don't want to see
anybody get hip. I don't interpearherby. I got at the fierce meet.
Somebody's gonna get head stop wall followsbefore somebody gets hurt. Oh oh,
(33:52):
I'm sorry, Herbie. You seehe got me. He shocked me
right in the eye. I toldyou not to interferell. What hey?
Boys cut out? Such higgers tigersto sarge? What is it? What's
the matter in here? Nothing atall? Such nobody was fighting in here
on us? How'd you get thatblack eye? What black eye? Have
(34:12):
I got a black eye? Liftingyou? I don't know what's going on
in here, but I'll bet youwere in the middle of it. You
said it shut out or you're findingyourself on KP. Now I want it
quiet here. I don't want tohear another pea bud of you guy?
What there's going to be trouble?What an army? What a sergeant?
Give me liberty or give me death? Benjamin Franklin or vice versa. I'm
(34:38):
getting sick of it. I don'tknow why he's always tack them on.
I don't don't feel so bad.Please, I sucked me right in the
eye. Well it was your ownpot, not around it, mind,
you. I'm right in it.I know here, Herbie, you can
listen to my radio. Thanks,Minny. It's all right. You're the
only friend I got around here.Who's doing that? Who's playing that radio?
(35:00):
No party, it's playing by itself. I turn it off, pay
it off? All right? Theyhave to get up at five forty five
in the morning. I'll keep itquiet in here, see Spinny, see
what I mean? Go on andplay the radio. Wait a minute.
You heard what the guy said.He said, keep it quiet, don't
wait the radio? Oh what areyou worrying about? He's only the sogeant.
Don't matter you scared him. Goon play the radio or you like,
(35:22):
play it loud? Okay, whatdid I just ask you? Didn't
I can you get the minute withthree peep? I mean when I tell
you they've got to get up atfive forty five in the morning. Now,
don't plan it? Okay, anymore noise in here. I'm going
to get good for now, quaet, go on and play the radio.
(35:46):
Smite, the man said, don'tplay it in premphesis. He said,
go on, gone play the radio. Listen. You're an American, said
lizen, aren't you? Yes?And this is a free country, isn't
it sure? And what are youworrying about? Go on play the radio?
He comes in here again. Idon't tell him all? You will,
sure I will. Don't forget?Now tell him all? You just
(36:07):
leave it to me. Oh,shut it up, listen you for hen,
Smitty, he's not you not toplay that thing? Didn't I tell
you to? The men were asleep? Smitty? Well are you gonna tell
him? Shut up? And you'relisten to me playing aside? My friend's
got something to tell you, asleek. He ain't gonna tell me anything.
He's asleep, asleep, sleep,sleep, wake up? Don't go
(36:29):
to sleep to me at a timelike this, Smid. Leave him alone.
Okay, look you, I'm gonnagive you one more chance, but
don't get funny see or one morecrack out of you, and I'll shake
you up like a terrier, shakethe rat. I'd like to see you
doing. Oh you'll never say athing, but I heard you. You
(36:52):
take you like to see me doing? I just say that. Well,
who's who sleep? Wake up?Will you wake up? Leave him alone?
Missus sars he wants a tighter something? Why what that blimbering? I
look you love your mouth. I'mgetting very annoyed with you. Why don't
(37:17):
you behave Why don't you be quietlike your buddy here? This is quite
all right. I consent sleep.I remember, don't open your mouth,
because if you do, I'm goingto close it for you. This is
your last turn, buddy. Allright, one more wise remark, and
I want you right in the note. I'd like to see you do it
(37:44):
to let it go, Let itgo. He pause. Now for station
identification. Best is the Columbia BroadcastingSystem. Now mister Demil returns to the
(38:17):
microphone. Curtain rises on the thirdact of Buck Privates. Several weeks have
gone by the boys from Company Ka rounding at the barn. The sergeant
says that some of them are bornsoldiers, but the two of them never
should have been born at all.He refers across to herby and smitted,
(38:39):
Now in the recreation hall, there'sa boxing match about to begin. Our
two Buck Privates are in the frontrow. Yes a minute, man in
the next match, Private Bill McGuirel Company challenges any man, particularly any
man from company. Wait a minute, shut a minute, all right,
(39:04):
manute, Company k ain't gonna lethim get away. With that, are
we? Why not somebody from mycompany shoul volunteer to fight him? At
the boy herbies? All right,boys, okay, we've got a volunteer.
Let's go Wait an wait a minute, what volunteer? Who volunteered?
Why you did, Herbie? Thatwas only a suggestion? Come on,
come on, take off your shirt. Wait a minute, Smitty stop,
(39:27):
I don't want to fight that fellup. I ain't even mad at him.
You mean to say you're scared ofthat little guy over there? I
mean a ticket that I am.Don't be silly here he comes down,
look at him? Oh hello,soldier, Hey, who are you?
I'm the fella you're gonna fight.May the best man win? No man,
smitty, so long? Shut theguy? What's the guy? You?
Wait? En? Light it up? Pro sure you will, hey,
(39:52):
smittye right, I can picture myselfnow the whole precious crowd. I'm
coming down the aisle. I jumpin the ring at the boy. I
drew up my rope, the wholecrowd. Let's talk a terrific roar or
what happened? I forgot to puton my pants now, Hi for toungues,
sit down on this corner. Letme I'm with now. Listen,
kidd, when you get out therein the ring, when you get him
out there alone, you understand givehim that old one tree one three,
(40:14):
one three, what happened to two? Two? You get? That's what
I was afraid of. And infederal change a change, he says.
Private maguire has been taken sick bygoing to substitute Roaring Bill McGonagall, former
contender fall the Heavyweight Championship of theWorld. Let me out, ad down,
(40:37):
sit down me, come hold on, no stop it. You can't
run now, just give me achance to watch my listen, you're staying
right here and now quiet? Allright? Heard me? I'm up here.
I'm refereeing this about Oh that's fine, maguinda girl. Come here where
the guy. I'm glad welcome inthe little pieces. This is the guy
(40:58):
right here. I see I'm gettinga heavy take me away in a white
wagon. You mean an ambulance,I don't mean the consumer man. All
right, boys, you know therules, go holding a quinsion, break
clean and no hittingm alow the belt. You mean I can't hit him like
(41:21):
that? How you can't hit himlike that? And you cannot do this
either, Oh, but I cando that, can I got me all
right? But you cannot do this. Oh I shake hand, boys,
I don't have My hands are shakenalready that act, this one doesn't come
(41:45):
out. Fight go ahead right afterMurphy. Stop the fight, Stop the
fight. What's the matter? I'mwinding? Get it out? Fight all
right? All right? Herby,Why don't you stop some of those punches?
You don't see anything? Get theboy, do you kiddy? This
(42:07):
ty is yellow? What's the matter? He won't come down on the floor.
Fight like a man. Get up, Come on, get up and
fight. You can't lose. Yougot a horse shoe in your glove,
and that time must have the restof our horse in his Oh one two
(42:37):
Herbie, Herbie, army ol hellaw, wake up, palel, wake up,
Oh, wake up, wake up? Thanks the boy? Is it
over? It's all over? Powyou know something? I hear birds seeing?
Well? Sure? It's morning,pal, Oh? Morning? What
morning? Tuesday? What day wasthe fight? It's Friday? Friday.
(43:00):
I had a long rest, didn'tI? Everybody out right? Come on,
Harvey on your feet, Oh myky, we'll mark you on.
Fifteen minutes, yes, sir,comedy Kay woll mart you order at fifteen
minute. Hey, what goes ongoing on? My nova? It once
manover. It was like a shambattle. A sham battle. I should
have stayed in bed. Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of Barravia audience.
(43:30):
This is Terry Mason speaking you directlyfrom a central observation point for the most
extensive army maneuvers ever attempted by theUnited States in peacetime. From my post,
I can see several miles of thebattlefield. I'm looking through my glasses
now towards Collington Cliff, one ofthe points of defense for the Blue Armies.
It's a huge hill of granite withonly one possible means of approach,
(43:51):
the west side. The other sidesare sheer drops of one hundred to two
hundred feet. It's a neat problemfor the Red Army. Now I myself,
Come on, Harvey, keep walking. Hey, I can welcome from
this minnie. My feet are tilling. No wonder you've got two left shoes
(44:13):
on? Is that wrong? Oh? Certainly right, You're dumb. I
don't know what's wrong with you,Smithy. You certainly are dumb. Well
w to prove to you how dumb, you really are. Suppose you had
ten dollars one pants pocket and fivedollars in the other pants pocket, what
would you have, Captain Spencer?No, ask me something a little sense
to it. Answer? Yeah,all right, love, all right,
(44:34):
Say you're forty years old. You'reforty years old, and you're in love
with the little girl, say tenyears old. This one's gonna be a
pen I wait to ie finish it. I'm going around with a ten year
old card. Well, wait aminute, they're not a good idea where
I'm gonna wind up a minute,just a minute. You're forty years old
and you're in love with this littlegirl ten years old. You're four times
as old as the girl. Youcouldn't marry or could you not? The
less I come from the mountain dollars. You're porty. She's ten or four
(44:57):
times as old as a girl.So you eight five years. The little
girl is fifteen. You're forty five. Now you're only three times as old
with that little girl. So youwait fifteen years more. Now the little
girl is thirty, you're a sixty. Now you're only twice is old with
that little girl. She's catching up. Yeah, now here's the question,
how long do you have to waitfor? You? And that little girl
become the same aid? Now,way I'm gonna tak the whole thing is
we take? There? Nothing reading? If I keep waiting for that girl,
(45:17):
she'll pass me up. What doyou mean? She'll wind up all
the night. What are you talking? She'll have to wait for me?
Why should she wait for you?Alright? What's nice enough? Don't wait
for her? No, Herbie Sitty, Come on, hi, you're Randy.
Watch cookie, listen you fellow's gottahelp me. Bob Martin's up on
sconnars and clip? What's she doingup there? Try to climb up and
(45:39):
pull a surprise attack on the BlueArmy? You got a halfway up and
slip? Wait a minute, don'ttell me. I can't stand it.
No, he's all right, buthe twisted his leg or something. You
stuck on the ledge up there?Well, what are you going to do?
I'm gonna climb up to the ledgeof the rope, but I'll need
some help. Somebody's got to climbup with me. Now, who's it
going to be? Who's it goingto be? Herbie? Well? Here
we going bay almost done? Mine? Can you hold on a little longer.
(46:08):
Sure, Smitty, I'm right downhere. Come on you dot you
fine? Hey, Hervey, holdof that rope up there? I said
it? Watch it? Smnny.Well wait a minute, Martin, are
you all right? Sure? I'mfine. Come on, I'll get you
(46:28):
back to camp. He was justabout saved my life, mister ogadad.
We're in the army on me anyway. I didn't want to see you missed
that date with Judy for Maybe wewant to keep it together. My thanks,
come on, let's go. HeyMidday, what's up for the rope?
Hey? What are you doing upthere? Hold up? Down?
No? No, no, no, no, wait wait, don't know
that rope? Hold out with along listen you don't. How do you
(46:50):
expect to get down without the rope? I never give him? What?
Hervey? Herbie? How did youget up in that tree? How do
I get a three? I said? What? It was? The hate
for good bys? He's Randy Parker, Hello, Randy, Hello, come
(47:16):
on, I'll buy your soda sodanothing, I'll buy you a man string.
A couple month, I thought youguys were bro bro Hey, this
this looks like we're bro Oh wheretogether? Why were we just about busting
the Blue Army at ten to one. Hey, Randy, what are you
getting out of the army? Oh? I thought I changed my mind about
that. I'll get out from mytime. That's the stuff. Hello Randy,
(47:36):
Oh hello Judy. I've been hearingthings about you from Bob. May
I have this dance sodio? Mayyou have this on away waiting for come
on? Very nice guy, thatRandy. Yeah, you know that's really
something over coming to handy. Comeup being a minuionaire. Geeh me,
I wish I was a handicapped likethat? Well? Well, boys,
how I at? Hey did Iclean out the Blue Army? Look at
(47:57):
the door I have hellas Hey,that's not bad side. Go on,
Herbie, show them what we want? Yeah, hey, what we want?
Well, last quitter or two say, Heybee, tell me did you
ever shoot dice? Dice? Yeah? Dice, but you know it's a
little game, no kidding. Yeah. Would you like to step outside with
me for a minute? Thank you, Sarge. I would be very happy
(48:21):
to accept your most cordial invitations.Herbie, how can you do it?
I'm u bae boy. That's themoment our stars will return for their curtain
(48:45):
calls. Now here's mister Demill withour stars come here and sean private,
Tabit and Costello step forward for curtaincalls. Gentlemen, you gave a distinguished
performance stinkish no wait, no,no, no, no no, what
kind of fuck is don no?No no wait that French is from now?
(49:06):
No no, no no. Themill means you were great. You
were terrific, colossal stupinionus only fair, huh I no, tonight you take
your place in the lux radio therebesides such artists as Irene Dunn, William
Powell Manorloy Ronald Colman and Heady Love. Remember you must be dignified now that
you're a great actor. I begyour parton I am sunny? Who get
(49:30):
the fuck on me? Who?You should be? Sorry, I'm a
bad boy. I'll never win theAcademy Award, of course not. I'm
answering for you the Academy Award.The Academy Award usually go to a great
(49:54):
dramatic performance. Love, you're apuffoon. I listen here, kid,
No more cracks my head. Iwait the mill. I don't go out
of that kind of stuff. I'llwait a minute. You know, I
need to be a little chubby.But I'm no puff nay. But the
kid made a remark only a puffalo, I mean he did nothing of the
kind. He said a perfoom.He means you're funny. I'm afraid he's
(50:19):
impossible. I wash my hands them. I knew he'd get luxe in here
somewhere. You in low but myfalls the night you'll tell Tower on Power
you're awailver A. Sponsors joined mein inviting you to be with us again
(50:46):
next Monday night. The successor bythe mill saying good night to you from
the bud blood gusting system
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