146 - Abbott & Costello - Radio Station - Alan Ladd - 03-30-1944

Episode Transcript

(00:04):
H Yeah, it's the Abbitue Costelloprogram. Bro Who you buy camel?

(00:47):
The cigarettes that's first in the service. The music of Breddie Wrench and his
orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes. Tonight's guest mister Alan Last. I'm
sorry, but habbit little Costello,he have it? Why am I rich?

(01:15):
I'm rich? What do you meanam I'm a millionaire? Calm down,
Costello? What's this yelling all about? What do you mean you're a
millionaire? Well that's true, Abbot, My uncle Alaska just died and left
me all this money, and aswell. You mean you're a beneficiary.
Yeah, because who's what beneficiary?Beneficiary is the man who gets the money.
Benefisher ain't gonna get none at thisMama. My uncle left the thought

(01:36):
in me have it? How didBenny Fisher get into this deal? I'll
pick him the cart, I'll sewHostello. Will you be quiet? Beneficiary
means that you you are your uncle'sair. My uncle's what your uncle's air?
Air? H e i R.My uncle didn't have any h e
I R. He wasn't fullheaded,all right. All he had was a
mustache. Oh. Why, well, my uncle was very proud of that

(02:00):
mustache. Every morning, he usedto cover it with toothpaste. Why did
he cover his mustache with toothpaste?Well, so he contis his wife ian
toothpaste. Why did you do that? You have your s teeth in Yes,
yes, I run along the ladiesand gentlemen, we will start back
again. Why did he govern toopaste toothpaste? Let's have it, go

(02:22):
ahead. Why did he cover hismustache with toothpaste? Yes, so he
could kiss his wife goodbye and brushher teeth at the same time. Come
off, now, this whole thingis ridiculous. For one thing, how
do you know your uncle left thismoney? Oh, I just got this
telegraph for my uncle's lawyer. I'mgonna read it. Go ahead, here,

(02:42):
Costello, your uncle Oscar's just diedand left you a million thanks for
your past favors like that. I'mrich. I'm gonna take everybody out and
buy him a multi milk, Amulti milk, yeah, because I'm a
multi millionaire. Don't be crazy.By the way, Costello, you never
told me about your uncle Oskarre.Did your uncle live? Oh? Here
went to England. Everybody know myuncle Oska In England? He used to

(03:04):
walk around with a pocket full ofshillings shillings no pence, Sure he had
pence. What do you think youcan walk around us underwear? Oh?
Never mind, figures your uncle's underwhereplease? Oh? Well, so are
you thinking of you a little drafted? Noah, I love, Costella.
Now, since you're you've inherited amillion million dollars, what are you going
to do with all that money?Well, I'm gonna use half of the
money to buy bonds. Steps whateverybody should do that swell, And then

(03:25):
with the other half, I'm gonnabuy a radio station. That's why you're
going to buy a radio station.You don't know anything about radio? Why
you don't even know who discovered electricity? I do too, missus Benjamin Franklin
discovered electricity, missus Benjamin Franklin.You mean Benjamin Franklin, No, missus
Benjamin Franklin. One day she andher husband had an argument, and she

(03:46):
said, Benjamin, go by akite. All right, that's enough,
Costella. This whole thing is ridiculous. Well, fellow, oh it's Ken
Niles. Hey bud, what's thatpat boy looking so happy about? Like
the cat that just swallowed a mouse? If I was a cat. You're
one rat that wouldn't be running aroundloose. All right, Costella. Costello

(04:14):
just got some good news. Kenhis uncle left him a million dollars and
he is going to buy a radio. And what's more, Niles, I'm
going to be the head announcer onmy program. You're going to be the
head announcer. Costella. You can'tbecome a head announcer overnight. While I've
been hammering away for years to bea head announcer. You look like a
hammer head, not quiet, Costella. Niles is right. An announcer must

(04:38):
have an education. You can't evenread or write. Well, maybe not,
but I but I spell you certainlydo. I said that everybody's reading
wrong. I'm ahead. You'll giveme anyone at all in our spelling?
Okay, spell at Mississippi, stateof river river ver ver river a river

(04:59):
river? Yeah all right, peerriver. Come on, cost Ella,
don't try to crawl out of it. Spelled Mississippi, okay, Mississippi?
Yes, am I ping ssi pingssi ping pee pete ipee. Wait wait
yeah, man, what's what's theping for? I was starting the eye.

(05:21):
Oh oh, this is the silliestthing I ever heard of why,
Costello, my lovely wife would makea better announcer than you would your lovely
wife. That old umbrella had herface lifted so many times. She's too
tall for the microphone. No,I heard that remark, Costello, and
I want you to know that Ihave never had my face lifted. They

(05:42):
started to lift it, but whenthey saw what was underneath, they dropped
it again. You must excuse Costelladay, Missus Niles. He's all excited.
He just inherited a million dollars andhe's buying himself a radio stance.
Oh, that sounds just liking thestingy fat plutocrats. He wouldn't think of
buying anything his friends. I wouldn'tsay that, Missus Niles. I'm gonna
buy you a lovely present, anice red fire extinguisher that will last you

(06:04):
a hundred years. Oh, Idon't expect to be here for a hundred
years. That's all right. Whereyou're going, you can take it with
you. I'll wait a minute,Costella. The nicest present you did give
Missus Niles is a chance to tryout for that announcing job on your new
station. Now, why not havea little contest to see who is the
fastest reader. That's right, Costello. After all, it's speed that counts

(06:26):
an announcing and my lovely wife andI challenge you to a content. Now
that's fair enough, all right,missus Niles, you will be number one.
Oh, thank you very much,miss Rabbit nice. So sartain to
do my best winness contest, Beryland good that night up with the lady
splendid Missus Niles. Now can you'renumber two? Thank you very much,
Bud, and I certainly can domy best to winness contest periently you can
duck myself as a gentleman. Goodgood, And now Costella, you will
be number three. I think ifit's wrapping, because I don't know how
to take somebody in my progress.My not for two. I didn't understand

(06:51):
what you said, Costello. Howdid you hear what you ought to say?
Yeah? All right, now let'sgo. You will each recite Mary
had a little lamb. Now whenI call you a name, you start.
When you hear the bell, youstop, and don't forget to take
a great, big deep breath already. Now no, no, wait a
minute, I'll call out the names. Not you, no, got you?

(07:13):
All right, missus Niles. Maryhad little laps this mystone everywhere the
marylyn and I'm sure to go barin school one David Ken Niles Very had
little lamb fleets. Why just knowwhat? Everywhere Mary went the lambature to
go fothered in school? One days? Was that? Lucastella missus Nile missus
Isles. Mary had little lambs bezuswi stone everywhere the Mary wen the lamb
sure to go bar school day schoolKen les Very head little lambs fleeces.

(07:36):
Why does know whatever the Mary went? The lamba sure to go further?
Just go one day? Luca Stellamissus Siles, Mary had a little lambs
f stone everywhere the marry one KenNile Very had little lambs spaces. Why
does know what? Everywhere the Marywent? The lamba sure to go?
Lu Costello the winner, Lou Castello. That's the most amazing thing I've ever

(08:03):
heard, was aston. How didyou ever learn to talk that this?
Oh geese? I've got your tongue, you've got two tongues. Yeah,
I got my owner. My fathergave me here so hard. Why would
your father give you his tongue?Because my mother never gave him a chance
to you. I shine. ConnieHaynes things the California novelty tune San Fernando

(08:37):
Valley. Oh, I'm packing mygrip and I'm leaving today, taking a
triple CALIFORNI your way. I'm gonnasend down a never Morrow and make the
stan Bornando Valley in my home.I'll forget my I'll be making new friends

(09:03):
with the West Begins and a sun. That is because I've decided where you
truly should be, and it's theSernano Valley for me. I think that
I'm save the city. He willbe waiting when my lonely journey is done.

(09:24):
And kindly all Reverend Talma made upthe Traumer. He will make the
two of uh one. I'm hittingthe trail to the cow country. You
can bought my man, okayv Reping. I'm gonna settle down a nept More

(09:45):
row and make the St. BernanoValley in my home. I think that
I'm saved the signal. He willbe waiting when my lonely journey is done,
and I'm go rapper. I madeus Rumer. He will make the
two bus one. I'm in thecow country and you can board my mail

(10:15):
care Varath I'm gonna settle down andnever more wrong and make the same end
by my come in, come in, pardon me. Is this the radio

(10:56):
station? Yeah, it's the station. I are you, the boy,
said the creditors. I'm the ownerof mansher Look Costello, the great big
fat radio maggot. Hey, myname. My name is Bentley P.
Krinklemeyer of Krinklemeyer and Inger's Hall aworst ingersol. He's doing time. I
am thinking of buying a program onyour stage. I'm in the cracker business.
Ha ha, you look like theKrummy type. Ha ha ha.

(11:22):
Coste will take it easy. Youneed the business. Yes, mister Costeller,
you see I'm a very successful man. I am manufactured crinkle Meyers,
crispy crunchy, correctly, crankly,crinkly, crutchy, cretty couldchie. I
make biscuits, and you do itthe hard way too, quiet Costella,
what kind of a program did youwish to put on, mister crinkle Meyer.
I want a program that will sellcrinkle Meyers, critchy, cratchy,
crinkly, crankly, krookly, crackly, crickly, crackly crooke correctly. You

(11:43):
want to sell biscuits? Young man, you took the words right out of
my mouth. You mean I tookthe biscuits right out of your pan.
That's it, young man. Youmake the cracks that I'll make the crackers.
Ha ha. How and now i'dlike to have you meet a young
chap who's going to help put onmy program. He announcer all of us
talk tea. How do you do? How do you do? How do

(12:03):
you do? How do you?Hello? This guy's a radio announcer.
Well, I suppose you like yourown announcers, but I thought you might
like to put one moron, andhe's the moron who can do it.
All right, all right, letlet the boy read something for Scotts Stella,
go ahead, let him read somethingor Yeah, I'm Marvel wonderful.

(12:24):
Simply more, I'll get a loadof this good evening. Everybody. Hello,
this is Oliver stor Cheese bringing youthe crickle Meyer crack crackle Meyer crack
cracker program from Hollywood. Lady jentlemen, you have just been listening to a
coast to coast hiccup. Oh sothat's the way it is, Come Oliver.

(12:52):
We'll take our business elsewhere. Hostello. Listen, that's no way to
run a radio station. You're chasingall the customers away. All right,
all right, all right, justin mine all open the door, never
mind, I'll walk through it.Costello, Costello. Look what it is?

(13:16):
That famous killer Alan ladds? Hey, which one of you fellows is
Costella? It's a it's a littlefat one me. I'm Costello. Oh

(13:39):
yeah, h listen, fatty,I understand you. Just inherit a million
dollars. It's all right, yougot me. Go ahead, take my
money. Pull out your gun,go ahead, shoot me, pull of
horse, go on, make melook like swisshees. Go ahead. Hey,
wait a minute, what are youtalking about. I don't even carry
a gun. Oh gun, it'stoo nois. Yeah you got a knife?
Got a knife? Huh? Goahead? Something to me? Watch
Dandy coming to ribbons. I gota I gone clean underwear. I'm ready

(14:01):
to die, Costella. Allan Ladddoesn't want to kill you. If he
does, I'll ever talk to himagain. Oh look, I don't want
you to die. I hope you'llhave to be one hundred and fifty years
old. Oh you want me tobe an old man one hundred fifty years
old with a beer I'll chip overmy pig falling in the street, get
over by a truck. Then youdon't want to take me to a hospital.
No, no, no, no. He wants you to be healthy

(14:22):
so you can go to work.Oh my fine, not that the guy
before an old man, me onehundred and fifty years old. If he
wants me to go to work,what does he care? Okay, okay,
don't go to work. Oh no, he won't let me work.
Wants me to stop at the lockway down man? If please, No
one wants you to stop to death. No heat steaks, he's big,
juicy steaks. Oh do you likethat? One hundred and fifty years old?
Not a tooth in my head?He watched it. Eat steaks.

(14:46):
Listen, Costella. If it'll makeyou happy, I'll carry you around in
my arms. Now he's trying tomake an invalid all Costella, quiet,
stop all this nonsense and arguing withAlan Ladd. Give the man a chance
to talk. Please, that's right, Costello. I really heard that you
were starting a radio station. Icame over for a job. You want
a job in my station? Well, what would you do? Well?
I always wanted to be one ofthose spellers that steps up to the microphone

(15:09):
and says, uh man, anew shaving cream has hit the market.
It is called reverse, so reverseso does the way with shaving of any
kind. It makes the whiskers growinside your mouth. All you have to
do is bite them off. Rememberreverse so spelled backwards. It reads reads

(15:33):
a zerva, which makes it harderto remember. See castilla. This allen
Land is pretty good. Yes,not bad for a lad. Hey listen,
but I think it sports is alittle I think it works a little
too loud. Try it a littlefarther away from the microphone. Alum,
what do you mean like this?No, no, you're still too cool.
Step back a little pop? How'sthis still? No? Step back?

(15:58):
Just a little pop. I'm upagainst the wall now, Oh you
are well open up those French windows. Will step out on that balcony?
Okay, you know something like it? What we have? No balcony?

(16:30):
Come in? Well? Hello boys? How's the radio business? He yeah,
but it's hallo lad? What areyou doing back here? I feel
I got rid of you when youfall off the balcony. Didn't you get
hurt? No? Fortunately I waswearing my light fall suit. Ha ha
ha, you did me around here, Costello, your audience is crying for
new blood, and in a minutethey're gonna get it. You're blood,

(16:52):
all right, Costella, Why don'tyou listen to Alan He may have some
good program my ideas to improve yourstation will certainly, Stella. I've written
lots of dandy programs. Why don'twe try out a few of them?
For example, those all night recordsshows are very popular. You fellas help
me out. We'll try one rightnow. What are we waiting for?
Let's listen to the music. Goodevening record fans everywhere. This is happy

(17:19):
Allen Ladd bringing the oldest all nightrecord program on the air, broadcasting since
eighteen ninety six, twenty four yearsbefore radio. Now that's enough talk.
We start off our uninterrupted dance musicwith a recording of MEXICALI Rose, played
by Freddie Snitch and his Los AngelesRiver Washouts. Here it is Mexicli Rose.

(17:47):
This number is being played for Fredand Mabel, Cecil and Rodney Becky,
Fanny Pauline, the Boys at Schmetnick'sPool Hall, the shut Ins at
Alcatraz, and Poopsie. I knowyou all want to dance, so back
to the music. Attuching all menover ninety five? Are you taking care

(18:10):
of your tooth? Do you usepooth toothpaste to suffer from white toothbrush?
Will you smile? Does your toothstawnlike a line of bean in a baratti?
Then cry doctor fange Buster's toothpaste.You only taste toothpaste containing grit,
hand and gravel to receive a freakingtour of this toothpaste. Do not sending

(18:30):
an empty two, just sending yourtooth Remember fang Busters toothpaste. Pass sparkling
guns. And now back to themusic. And I want to interrupt the
music for a moment to tell youthat you're dancing to MEXICALI Roads. Ladies,

(18:53):
have you tried slick a shllet onyour flows when you get up tomorrow?
Make this simple simple test. Puttwo drops of Slickers Schleck on your
floor and rob check me for twodays. Then put two more drops on
your floor and rub for three days. Then finally two more drops and run
for two more days. And Ladies, before you know it, the week

(19:14):
is gone and so is your floor. You have just been dancing to MEXICALI
Rose. Good night, say Ellen, that was great. Yeah, they

(19:45):
were any more of those kind ofprograms. Well, I've got a great
story for your daytime program. It'sit's all about a young girl and her
problems. You want to hear it? And that sounds good. Casetella,
Freddy Rich, let's have the thememusic. The makers of Grove Fuzz Hair

(20:07):
Tonic presents another episode in the truelife story of Blossom Think Girls Streakliner.
At first, but first listen towhat a satisfied user has to say about
grow folks. Go ahead, misterschnooks. My wife was disappointed in me
because I didn't have any hair onmy chest, so I bought a Fotler
crowfars and now after one application,you should cheat the hair on my chest.

(20:32):
I don't wear a shirt anymore.I wear a fascinator. And now
back to Blossom Fink Girls Streakliness.It seems like only yesterday that poor Blossom
drank potato bug spray thinking it wasorange peko. But don't worry, folks,
Blossom's all right now. The policegave her the third degree and pumped

(20:55):
it out of her. In themeantime, Blossom's friend Harvey to the general
store to meet Squire Prindle to inquireabout Larry, who had received the tragic
letter from Missus Philpott's nephew Eustace,who had told her of the split up
between Bernice and Fitzroy. Now,while this was happening, the butcher's son,
Herman, spied Charlie and Julius leavingMissus Greystone's house with Myrtle and Phoebe,
and quickly rang the fire alarm.Naturally, Blossom was a little confused

(21:19):
by allus, so am I.But as we look in upon Blossom this
morning, she and her husband arehaving pressed breakfasts. Who Blossom speech,
Oh, good morning, John Darling. What do you want for breakfast?
Dear? I like some coffee,but you should have milk. But I'd
much rather have a coffee. Dear, but you should have milk. I'd

(21:41):
rather have coffee. No milk,No, no coffee, no coffee.
Tomorrow, will John have milk forcoffee? And remember, friends, go
to your nearest drug store and geta bottle of grow Fuzz hair tonic.
Try it tonight. If you're notcompletely satisfied, please don't complain You've only

(22:03):
got one bottle. We got amillion of them. Costello, that's the
greatest radio story. I have everheard you're right it? Hey, look
Alan, I'll buy the whole worksfrom you, Okay, okay, Costello.

(22:26):
That'll be ten thousand dollars cash onthe barrel head. And I'm just
a barrel head that's got the money. I all just listen to this telegram.
I want to show that I reallygot a lot of dough. I'll
get it. Dear lu Costello,your uncle Osopher has just died enough few
a million, thanks for your pastfavors. Hey, wait a minute,
let me see that telegram. Okay, I thought so you read it wrong.
Oh no, you haven't got amillion dollars. You haven't got a

(22:48):
cent. What do you mean here? I'll read this telegram for you.
Dear lu Costello, your uncle Oscarhas just died and left you a million,
thanks for past favors. Stello,Did you hear that? Did I
hear that? And I just thoughtof something else? That's wrong with that
telegram? What's that? I ain'tgot no one glask God get out,

(23:25):
habit and Costello will be back injust a moment. Thanks to the angst
of the week, tonight waste alittle twenty three year old Marine Captain Harold
Siegel of New York City, oneof two course their pilots who attacked the
formation of forty Japanese planes. Firsthe shot as he zero's tail off,
and then his companion, following through. With four Japs firing at him,

(23:51):
he doven blew up another, continuingon down to smash a third, now
under fire from about ten enemy fighters. Captain Seagull's plane was shot the but
he stuck with it and plunged intothe water. Next morning he was rescued
by a destroyer. In your honor, Marine Captain Harald Siegel, the makers
of camels are sending to our marinesin the Pacific three hundred thousand camel cigarettes.

(24:22):
Each of the four Camel radio showshonors a Yank of the Week sends
three hundred thousand camel cigarettes overseas,a total of more than a million camel
sent free each week in this country. The traveling Camel caravans have thanked audiences
of more than three and a halfmillion Yanks with free shows and free camels.
Camel broadcasts go out to the UnitedStates four times a week, a

(24:45):
short wave to our men overseas andSouth America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore
and Jimmy Duranty. Saturday to BobHawke in Thanks to the Yanks, Monday
to Blondie, and next Thursday toIn Costello with our guests Carry Grant and
Don Barclay and oh here's abit InCostello with a final word. Well,

(26:18):
Costello, we'd better start getting readyfor next week's program. You know we're
going to have Carry Grant and hisfriend Don Barkley as our guests. Carry
Grant, you mean the big moviestar. That's right, Costello. You
know, Carrie just returned from theSouth Pacific where he entertained the soldiers.
Yeah, I understand he made alot of money on that trip. Oh,
don't be silly. That's patriotic volunteerwork. The Army doesn't pay him

(26:40):
for that. He made the moneyoff the jack. We got a great
racket. What do you mean?At night he hid Hire three with a
baseball bat and felt the Japs overthe head. How could carry make money
that way easy? When the Japscame to it? Selim a roadmap.
Good night talks, ybody. Weyou're and tune in next week for another

(27:11):
great Abadan Costello Show with our specialguests, Carry Grant, and Don Bartway.
Alan Ladd appeared tonight through the courtesyof Paramount Pictures, producers of the
Miracle of Morgan's Creek. This isKen Niles, rushing you a very pleasant
good night from Hollywood.