But They're Your Family

Lady J and her guests discuss the toxicity that comes with individuals telling others to stay in relationship with blood relatives simply because they are family regardless of how they are treating them. 

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:36):
The inspiration for the songs because of you, The inspiration
for the songs because of you, The inspiration for the
songs because of you.

Speaker 2 (00:49):
You, It's for you.

Speaker 3 (00:59):
Can you sing it with? All right? All right, good evening,
good evening, Good evening, everyone, and welcome to another episode

(01:22):
of Relationship Ology with your girl, Lady Jay and my
co host Keith Omar Jackson. Is gonna be a little
late today, but I do have a guest in here
with me and I have another guest on the way.
But before we get into that, of course, y'all know
what time it is. We gotta get those formalities out
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TV Network. All right, so now that we have that

(02:54):
other way, listen, I think y'all gonna like this topic
for tonight. So tonight my guest is, of course y'all
know her from the Fat Girl Chronicles right here on
jql on radio. Leo Rochelle is in the building. Hey, y'all,
what's good people, And as you all can see, for
those of you who are also for those of you

(03:16):
who are, let me say it this way, for those
of you who are being disobedient and not tuning in
on air and watching us on social media, if you're
not listening simultaneously on air. As you can see, we
are back in the studio because COVID is over and
so well COVID is not over, but it's died down
and winter time is over. So we are back in
the building and my other guest, Trocio, is on his way,

(03:38):
hopefully he'll make it in time. My co host is
supposed to be here a little letter. He's getting off
work a little late today. But anyway, our title for
tonight is but they're your family. So as you all know,
uh that that phrase gets thrown around a lot and
people use that, but they're your family, or but that's

(04:00):
your sister, but that's your mama, but that's your daddy.
You only got one that you only want to that.
They throw that around lightly as if to say, you
are supposed to allow blood relatives to behave any kind
of way towards you, say what they want to say
towards you, be toxic, you know, disturb your peace, be
abusive in whatever shape, form or fashion. You're supposed to

(04:22):
overlook that just because quote unquote their family. So Tim,
tell me what your take is on that. First of all, No,
because I don't care what parts you play in my
life or like you're my family. But the older I've

(04:42):
gotten the more that I've learned that you can choose
your family like you don't just because they're blood that
doesn't make them family. And the older you get, I
don't have to allow you to be in my life
if you can tinue to choose to operate in this way.
You operated in that way, and I've already set my

(05:05):
boundaries and told you that that's not gonna fly with me,
and you continue to do so, Oh okay, I'm gonna
really enforce that boundary and I'm gonna go ahead and
let you live your life. But just because you're in
my family, that does not mean you get to treat
me any kind of way, because at the end of
the day, you're gonna say, but I'm your sister, Uh,

(05:27):
then treat me better. So I've i had to learn
that that because I have people who are not blood
related to me that treat me more like family than
actual family. The thing with family, though, is you know
those who are closest to you usually hurt you the most,
or do you you know what I'm saying, do you
more wrong than anybody else. So I think that when

(05:51):
it comes to family, we don't take the time to
make sure that those relationships are healthy, or develop them
into the healthy relationships, or sit down. So, for instance,
everybody talking about all you need to go to couple's counseling.
You know what I'm saying, you maintain and work on Well,
some people may time to work on their relationships. You
want youre talking about you. You don't want to be
with somebody that's toxic being a healthy relationship with shit
with that person. But the same thing should apply to

(06:13):
if not more, you know what I'm saying with family. Family,
So I don't know too many families who have gone
to therapy. Who will. A lot of people don't like
to talk about or address issues as always, what goes
on in this house stays in this house. They want
to sweep stuff under the rug. They want to make excuses.
Another famous thing that family always says, well, you know

(06:35):
how so and so is. You know what I'm saying.
Let me tell you something, Linda, that that is the
most reckless and I can't even find a word to
describe it. But that is a way to allow people

(06:55):
to never to grow, to never to uh take account
ability for the way that they act or the way
that they treat people. You don't get to you don't
get to just oh, well, that's how your mama always been.
Let me tell you something. She ain't gonna be that

(07:16):
way no more, because in a minute I'm gonna cuss up,
clean out, and then we were gonna see if she's
still gonna be my mama. Then you know what, I
think that when it comes to stuff like that, I'm
the type of person where I will tell you about yourself.
If you are one of my elders or my parent
and I've had to do this, I'll have the conversation

(07:38):
with you in a respectful way. I'll have the conversation
with you in a respectful way. And our other guests
just walked in. Trochh from between the lines right here
on JQ on the radio. And he's also a co
host on the Fact Girl Chronicle, so he came down
here from Shytown. But huh, back to what we were saying,

(08:03):
just because you are my parent or an elder, or
an aunt or a grandparent or whatever, I can still
I should still be able to waste my opinion about
how you're treating me makes me feel, and in a
respectful manner, say what I need to say. Be stern
about it and then disassociate myself because I get to

(08:26):
decide how close our relationship is going to be based
on how you treat me, especially if I'm treating you
in a way that you're not reciprocating. So, but they're
your family, how do you feel about that?

Speaker 2 (08:46):
I just I need you to.

Speaker 4 (08:48):
Say it again, like I just walked in on like
the middle of your center, and I don't it sounds
like you just said a whole bunch of stuff.

Speaker 3 (08:56):
So we're talking about but the phrase, but they're your family.
I appreciate all y'all that's tuning in on air. I
see y'all. Uh, I guess they he's tarry because I
thought they's being disobedient. But but so the phrase that
everybody use like it's an excuse as to why family
gets to talk to you some kind of way or
treat you any kind of way. Oh well, that's your family.

(09:18):
But that's your all. That's how they always been or
that's how they you know what I'm saying. I don't. Yeah, no,
I don't agree with that. And to me, that's not family.
You're a blood relative. Because if a stranger off the
street treats me better than you, not just in in
uh what they say, but in how they act and
and in thought and all that kind of stuff. Then

(09:40):
they're more family. They're more like family than you know
what I'm saying, you are just because we're blood related,
don't mean it.

Speaker 4 (09:47):
Yeah, I don't. I don't agree with that at all.
If y'all know, well, y'all know me, I talk aggressive.
You know what I'm saying, But it's not cool. I'm
not gonna I'm gonna say it's cool. But the situations
do make you switch up the way you talk sometimes,
Like once you get frustrated with a situation, then you
find yourself talking disrespectful to somebody.

Speaker 3 (10:10):
But that's that.

Speaker 4 (10:10):
Don't make it okay, all that all that we family stuff,
that's yeah, we family. But I mean I'm still a
human being at the same time, Man, I'm still a
grown ass individual.

Speaker 3 (10:26):
M hm.

Speaker 2 (10:27):
So I mean put some respect on it.

Speaker 3 (10:31):
So but when it comes to family, though, do you
feel like you should have the right to I won't
say this own, but it's associate like love people from
a distance.

Speaker 2 (10:42):
Oh that's one million percent.

Speaker 3 (10:45):
Because I tell you the main people that people say
that you should not do that too is like a mother,
a father, a grandparent, like you only got one mother
on y'all father, Okay, But and it's usually people who
don't have parents like the ones that you have. You
know what I'm saying. If you don't have a parent
that has been physically or sexually abusive to you, you
can't speak on that. If you don't have a parent

(11:06):
that has like abandoned you, you know what I'm saying,
or treat you like trash whatever, you can't speak on that.
And if if God allows you to cross paths with
somebody who is more like a mother or like a grandparent,
takes in, you know, a child and has raised that child,
or an aunt you know what I'm saying, or an
adoptive mother, or find some other whoever that is that
person's mama. That's who they're gonna you know what I'm saying,

(11:28):
look at as mama or grandmama or whatever the cast
to be. And some people can't understand it. It's like, well,
you only got one mother, you need to forgive. You
could forget, but that don't mean I gotta keep close
relationship with you. If you are if how you treat
me is gonna keep hurting me, I'm now participating in
my own hurt rue.

Speaker 4 (11:44):
But it's like people don't need to understand, like you
don't even think like that about a mother or something
like that unless the situations that you just listed, Like,
people don't just automatically think like that about their parents, right,
what I'm saying, they gotta do something detrimental to you
to make them even consider doing that.

Speaker 2 (12:05):
It's not normal. So like just accepted.

Speaker 4 (12:07):
If somebody's saying, like, oh, I'm gonna just go and
cut my old g off for so, I'm like that
it's a reason for that, So just disrespect it.

Speaker 3 (12:14):
I think too that a lot of times people get
this idea in their head and society continues to push
this narrative that your mother is supreme. You know what
I'm saying, Like society never gives a mother the bad
rap like that. You know, a mother could be the
most toxic person in somebody's life. But oh, but that's

(12:38):
your mother. She birthed you, she brought you here. And
it's like, do you see what she be doing to me?
Like she just knocked my hair between the washing and
the drya and you gonna tell me, but that's my mama. Nah,
I'm good on that a lot of times. Like I've
had the conversation with some friends at the barbership out

(13:00):
and they were just talking about how sometimes the mother
is the toxic person, which in turn is the reason
why the father is not present, and it creates a
whole downward spiral of a situation based on the mother
being toxic, the mother's choices to separate, to divide, to

(13:20):
create this this gap between the mother and the father.
So mothers are a lot of times the reason for
a child acting the way that they're acting. And then
when they become an adult and they ready to separate,
then then it's, oh, but I'm your mother, I'm the

(13:42):
person in your life that you should always keep around. No, Ma,
you the person in my life that's causing all of
this pain and anguish and drama. So now I gotta
let you go.

Speaker 4 (13:52):
I feel that that's along those lines of kids not
growing up with their fathers and stuff like that, and
it's because the mother won't let you, won't let them.

Speaker 2 (14:02):
See the kids, and stuff like that.

Speaker 4 (14:04):
But also relationship wise, father's probably not around and stuff
like that. But it's a situation that you didn't understand
when you was a kid. When you become an adult
and you start dating and stuff, then you be like, no.

Speaker 5 (14:17):
Moms, you was a problem. You the problem. You ran
money off. I see what happened. You know what I'm saying, Like, no,
that's not the situation with my og. So, moms, if
you was talking about you, because like I have a
different dynamic. You know, a lot of people who know

(14:38):
my story. You know what I'm saying, know what my
story is. And for me, it wasn't just my mother.

Speaker 3 (14:42):
Like when my sisters and I grew very very very close,
like we like you know, inseparable, but again the parent
being the toxic person. You know what I'm saying, cause
that you know that separation and when when you have
people that you love dearly and they don't as we
were talking about yesterday on Troch Wednesday on troph Show,

(15:03):
when they not taking accountability for their actions and being
responsible for their role in certain things, and how you
shape your kids and you know what you pour into
them and how you treat them, that will cause a
person to not just become broken mentally, but emotionally too,
and then they're not able to form healthy relationships with

(15:26):
other people and even when when you have someone come
into your life to fulfill that role as a mother
or a mother figure or father figure, now it's difficult
for you to do that. And I had my father
on here a couple of years ago and he was
talking of but he shared a little bit about his
story where he was adopted, you know what I'm saying,

(15:46):
and his adoptive mothers, who I know is grandma, But
he could never really reciprocate the love and care that
she gave him because he was so worried about and
harping on his biological mother giving him up, you know saying,
and not being there for him. But she went and
got the rest of her kids. She's vailed relationships with
the rest of her kids. But I told him, God

(16:06):
set you apart and gave you something that they didn't have.
Look at what they grew up in and look at
what you got. And I had to see I saw
myself in that same light. But because he he wanted
the toxicity, you know what I'm saying, or just wanted
that that interaction, he couldn't fully accept that. And that's
what a lot of parents too, And they don't necessarily

(16:30):
have to be parents, but the parents are the ones
that people always say, you know what I'm saying, it
don't matter, It don't matter. Well, no, it does matter,
you know what I'm saying, because they play a big
role in who you become and how you operate, especially
if you don't have people or resources that you know
about to help you navigate through that and learn what

(16:52):
it means to love somebody from a distance, because that's
difficult for a lot of people to do.

Speaker 4 (16:56):
I get that, though, as far as your pop is concerned,
how you gonna go get all the other kids and
not me? Like, come on, man, like y'all. I'll feel
some type of way forever. I'm don't even lie. But
even if my situation turned out on better, like, you
still chose to single me out and not come get me.

Speaker 5 (17:12):
You went to get nineteen kids and you don't leave
me out.

Speaker 3 (17:16):
But that's a blessing though, if you think about it,
that's a blessing you want to grow up in in
drug infested upbringing and all this other kind of stuff
versus and now I will say, my grandma is saved
and its sanctified. She's minister and all kind of stuff.
But she gave her all and She fostered ninety two
boys across her whole entire lifetime, but she chose a few.

(17:38):
A few were chosen to be adopted, and he was
one of them. And she had a husband. They couldn't
have kids, she had a husband, and they poured everything
into him. And I know what it's like to be
to want to feel wanted by your parents and you don't.
But I also know what my grandmother and my godmother
poured into me. They stepped into that role and that

(17:59):
had to be enough. And if it wasn't enough for me,
I probably would have ended up like him, with drugs
in an addict and everything else. Right, But I also
think like that comes with experience and you having to
be on the outside looking in. You know what I'm saying,
Because like Choue said, you went to get all these

(18:20):
other kids, but you didn't come back and get me.
So what made me what looks like the bad sea
or the one that you did not want? And it's
just like a basic human emotion to want to be
wanted or want to be needed. And because you aren't
giving me that, and you aren't showing me what I
think my mother should be showing me, I feel some

(18:42):
type of way because I feel like if my mother
had all five of us and left me somewhere in
the wilderness and then was like, all right, come on
the rest of y'all, I'd be like, hold on, shorty,
we gotta come back, come out, come, let me ask
you something because I can't. That's what I'd like, because

(19:13):
now I got some questions. Now I need you to
tell me. Now I need you to tell me what
made me the outcast? You know what I'm saying. And
then there's always an outcast in every family anyway, you know,
But then to be just not contacted or you know,
you got a whole different family and it's our family

(19:34):
over here and we're building this family without you. I
can understand the feelings. And then being a man, that's
a whole different type of thing. You know, your mother
so I when he was very young. Yeah, So like
that's and that's that's another factor. All these different factors
played into like who he became and what made him

(19:55):
the person that he is. And so I can't I
can't say that I don't understand, like I fully understand,
like sometimes you go down this path because nobody loved you,
and then like you said, he wanted the toxicity. I
don't even think it's that the toxicity was his normal.
So he was crazing what was normal to him, which

(20:19):
which made him combat, you know, the love that he
was being given. Man, all right, this is getting this
is getting deep. So we gonna We're gonna take a
break real quick, y'all. But stick and stay because when
we come back, we're gonna continue the conversation on. But
they're your family. What do you think? What's your thoughts?

(20:43):
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relationship all right, and we are back and you are
too into relationship ology with your girl Lady Jay and

(23:21):
Keith Omar Jackson right here on JQLM Radio, division of
EGO Entertainment Network, and we've been talking about but they're
your family. Listen if y'all just tune in. It was
getting We were talking about how a lot of people
tell you what you only got one mama, You only
have one that you know, they're your family. You excuse
certain behaviors and you were supposed to go along with

(23:43):
it and just let them be because that's how they've
always been. And I think one of the most dangerous
things that you can do as an individual when it
comes to your own emotional and mental health is continue
especially for the African American community, because we know there's
already a stigma when it comes to getting therapy or

(24:04):
a psychiatrist or something and addressing those issues or even
mentoring you know from kids like preventive measures. There's already
a stigma where you're not supposed to be it is
we look at it as telling your business. I think
one of the most dangerous things that you can do
in regards to your emotional and mental health is to

(24:26):
accept being treated badly, is to accept being treated less
than an individual, less than a person to accept that
you are unworthy of love and things of that sort.
That leads to a very dangerous i'll say place, emotionally
and mentally. And this is why you have so many
kids feeling like there's no way out. They're committing suicide

(24:50):
at a much younger you know, age, and things of
that sort. And so I think we have to do
better at not just sweeping stuff under the rug. And
parents need to do a better job of not presenting
themselves as a perfect entity, if you will. My kids
have constantly. I used to have one of my kids,
their grandparents used to get on me and say, you

(25:12):
share too much, You tell your kids too much. No,
I'm telling them exactly what I want them to hear.
They need to know the things that I've been through,
the things that happened to me. And I do tell
them in details, especially now that they're older. They're old
enough to understand, because when I'm teaching them what not
to do, I need them to understand that this is
what happens when you do this, and I did this,
but this is why I did this. I didn't know

(25:33):
any better, or this was a learned behavior, or this
is a response or reaction to something. So so I
think that it is very dangerous for us to continue
to allow people to mistreat us, walk all over us,
take advantage of us, just because you were a cousin,
a sister, a brother in the biological sense. When I

(25:56):
have someone over here who just met me and they
don't want anything from me, and all they have been
doing is loving on me and comforting me and encouraging
me and pushing me and being there for me, you
know what I'm saying, Those are the people who I
consider family. So what do y'all think about.

Speaker 4 (26:13):
That as far as the aspect of as far as
the aspect of treating a non family member more than family.

Speaker 3 (26:27):
Yeah, would you say that you can that when you
encounter someone who embodies everything that family should be, that
you shouldn't feel bad about, you know what I'm saying
taking them on and calling their family.

Speaker 4 (26:44):
Absolutely not, Absolutely not, Because I mean people always saying
like the blood is sticking in water or whatever, But
I mean that's in theory. Yeah yeah, yeah, like if
you scooping water, you scooping blood, Yeah, like literally yeah,
But no, I mean it depends on your actions and

(27:04):
how y'all treat each other, how y'all interactions are with
each other. You know what I'm saying, like like because
like you, like we started with, family will treat you dirty.
A lot of family will treat you dirty. It's a
whole bunch of situations out here where your family is
just act like you are stranger on the street for real,
for real, ain't strange on the street to treat you.

Speaker 2 (27:22):
Better than your real family, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (27:24):
And let me say this. I think it has a
lot to do with and that. Don't get me wrong.
I'm not harping on people's you know, family members, but
we're gonna call a spade a spade, period, you know,
because there are some people, some families who get along
well who are you know what I'm saying. Great, but
everybody got that one or two people, you know what
I'm saying, and they family. Family also has a big

(27:45):
thing about they wait until somebody dying or has died
then they want to come together. But that only lasts
for so long, you know what I'm saying. And I
experienced that when I was when I had to rupture
brain names on people I hadn't talked to, I had
cut off family anyway like before that for obvious reasons.
But when I was dying, everybody showed up and I'm like,

(28:07):
you know, but that was the last time I heard
of them, and so, but there were people who had
only been in my life for let's say eighteen years
or three years or two years that showed up that
was helping with my kids that you know what I'm saying.
When a message went out about needing help to get
some of my meds from when I left the hospital,

(28:30):
not one biological family member pitched in, not one. So
but then family, biological family feel some type of way
when you don't claim them as family, but you claiming
all these other people. Ah, that's my sister, that's my brother,
that's my cousin, because they act like it. You know

(28:50):
what I'm saying, They act like it. So what do
y'all say to people to family members biological family members
who feel some type of way when they want that
connection relationship with you, but they don't want to meet
throw hands of those expectations.

Speaker 4 (29:03):
It usually be the person who doing the bull that
feel some time a way when you bring in the
outside and saying that they family, they feel some kind
of way on the inside for a reason.

Speaker 2 (29:14):
You know why I cut you, you know.

Speaker 4 (29:19):
But they want to make all kind of excuses for
why they did what they did and expect you to
just accept that.

Speaker 2 (29:27):
No, I'm good, I'm good.

Speaker 3 (29:30):
I think sometimes even with the upbringing, like even when
people are younger, like they battle without and the parents
never actually try to intercede and make that relationship or
try to make that a healthier relationship. When they are
kids and they battling and they always have this sibling rivalry,

(29:51):
some parents just let it go on and go on
and go on, and then when they become adults, they
don't want to have nothing to do with each other.
And then they do feel some type of way because
you are here calling everybody y'all brother or sister, and
I didn't try to reach out and tried to talk
to you and try to create a relationship, but you're
not allowing me that space. So sometimes it could be
the upbringing, because I know when me and my my sister,

(30:13):
my older sister, when we were younger, Oh maybe we
couldn't stand each other because you know what I'm saying,
I was the reason, Like I was the kid and
my sister, my mom was like, oh, before you go outside,
you gotta comb her hair, you know, while my mom
had worked during the summertime. I mean, I could have
combed it, but you know, we know what happened when
I tried to do it. I just went on and

(30:33):
cut the whole ponytail off so it wouldn't have to
get done. So there's that. Oh what Dan yell Pho says,
It's so common, Hey DODG. Michelle Jackson says, hey, y'all, Hey.

Speaker 2 (30:49):
Cliff Cliff, what up Cliff over?

Speaker 3 (30:51):
I can I can't. I agree with what you just said. Also,
though I think too on the flip side of that,
what do I think about rekindling or I'll say restoring relationships?
So for me, I'm not one now before depending upon
who the person is, because you can tell when somebody

(31:13):
is just setting their ways, they're not going to change
period unless they have an encounter with God, you know,
a life alternat experience. But I've had people who I
have restored to one person actually in my whole entire family,
who I have restored relationship with because they took accountability

(31:39):
for their actions in the situation that caused us to
separate in the first place. And I think for me personally,
and a lot of families may may uh, this may
be the reason why a lot of families don't get
along and why people tend to go towards other people
who are not biological for a family is because when
you start speaking your truth and you start unveiling things

(32:00):
that aren't no longer under the rug, people start feeling
some type of way. But if you weren't a part
of that story or part of that you know what
I'm saying, you gotta be mad at yourself, you know
what I'm saying. And or because they don't want to
be seen in a certain light, or you don't or
you know how, sometimes cousins can be thick of thieves,
you know what I'm saying. So somebody in the I

(32:22):
ain't mad at you, and now they're trying to get
everybody else, you know what I'm saying, hopping on that bandwagon.
So what do ya think about restoring relationships with with
family members even if they are still connected to the
family members that you don't associate with. I feel like
that's that's I feel like that's what we're supposed to do.
We're supposed to at least try because right now I've disconnected.

(32:47):
You know, if they're reaching out and I want to try,
then I'm a I'm I know for me, I will
meet you halfway. You say I want to try, Okay,
I'm too at this point in my life. I'm gonna
just go ahead and let you be h to restore

(33:09):
this relationship if I've and we're still up here tuss
on like Tom and Jerry. Okay, go ahead, and I'm good.
I'm good. I don't even want to do it like
I want. I like my piece, so you can go
ahea about your bes. We ain't got to do this. Look, oh.

Speaker 4 (33:31):
It's I'm gonna have to see some change, Like you
can't be that same person that made me cut you
off in the first place and still think of of
like reconnect with that. I need to see something different
in you. I need to see effort and you trying
to be different something I just can't.

Speaker 1 (33:52):
Look.

Speaker 3 (33:54):
I'm because there's no sense of trying to restore a
relationship with somebody if they are the same that they
were before. I know, I'll say two people. So I

(34:17):
grew up without my father. I knew who he was,
what he looked like, but I didn't know him, you
know what I'm saying. He wasn't around. He used to
from what I remember, he would say he was coming,
you know, on his way, and then wouldn't show up
or out the blue. I see him my happenstance every
couple of years, going over Grandma's house trying to catch him.
Could never catch him over there, you know. So but

(34:38):
when he reached out to me, I had I had
to forgive him though. I had to accept the apology
I would never get from my mom and my dad,
and in order to move forward, I had kept the
apology from that I would never get like from my sisters,
from people who you know, period, just to move forward
and to be in a better space until emotionally and

(35:00):
continue to grow for myself now at thirty years old,
though I think probably eight was the last time I
saw my dad before I started seeing him like every
couple years. I half as stance. I'm thirty eight. So
at thirty he found me and reached out to me.
It was like had had sat down had a conversation
and I could understand like why he was the way

(35:22):
he was. So that allowed me to accept him for
who he was to understand that who he was had
nothing to do with me, And so because I had
already forgiven him, I was able then to say, Okay,
you know, I'll give you a chance to develop, you know,
ta have relations with me, have a relationship with your grandkids,
you know, and see how that goes. Now, I'm going

(35:43):
off of what I know about you, so I'm not
expecting to see change, So I'm not gonna be effected
either way. But when I start to see you being
consistent in your change, Okay, so you really did get
yourself together, but then you started relapsing and going back again.
I already knew that was gonna be, you know something.
But once you start to see changing, then you get

(36:04):
comfortable and then that person you know switches back up.
But you if you know their struggle or why, you
know what I'm saying, that either way they are, then
it's it should be a little bit easier for you
to try to work on that and restore their relationship.
And then you have to learn, though, too, when it's
time to just take a step back and take your
hands off. So I think that's what a lot of
people have a problem with when they are trying to

(36:26):
restore relationship because if you are like reaching out to
somebody saying, hey let's link up or hey let's do this,
and they say okay, but they never show up or
they never call back or they never do this, then
after a while of that, you're gonna be like, you
know good, Like Tiffany said, like yeah, nah, I because
it ain't going nowhere. So what do y'all think? Well,

(36:48):
I'll say what tips can y'all give people to determine
when they should love people from a distance and how?
Because when you say love people in this people some
people be like, well, what does that mean? Or how
do I do that? In your own words? Kind of
share what do y'all think that means? Or how would
you tell somebody how to love somebody from a distance.

(37:10):
I mean you could still love them, have love for them,
but those are not the people you got to talk
to consistently. Those are not the people that you got
to always be reaching out to, like hey let's go
to dinner. Nah, we ain't got to go to dinner.
We ain't got it, We ain't even got to have
a conversation. I love you, I wish you the best
in life, peace like like that's it. Loving people from

(37:36):
a distance just simply means like you love them, but
you don't have to deal with them. You don't have
to interact with them, you don't have to actually have
an active relationship with that person. It could literally just
be you know, I'm your family, You're my family. That's it,
like hope, nothing to treat them right, Treat them like

(37:56):
the cousins that you don't know that like down south
that you know, everybody got a whole cluster of cousins
down south that they don't know nothing about. Treat them
like you treat them. I don't know nothing about them.
So am I gonna feel some type of way if
I don't talk to them? Nope, I'm not gonna feel
no way if I don't talk to you neither. So
love you peace. Yes, that's it.

Speaker 2 (38:17):
That's second. That for real, for real.

Speaker 3 (38:20):
I think I'm the type of person though too. Yeah,
I love you distance. But if you needed something like
if you needed some food or something like that, you hunger, and.

Speaker 4 (38:29):
Just because we have morals in the hearts, I'm not
just gonna like to see you laying on the bridge
like in the tent and be like, oh yeah, you're
my first cousin knowing something like that and be like.

Speaker 3 (38:41):
All right, goodbye a box of cheerios.

Speaker 5 (38:45):
Not even like stopping, just throw it out the window
on your way driving balance.

Speaker 3 (38:50):
Dang, you couldn't eve give them honey nuts. You're not
gonna give them the regular.

Speaker 2 (38:54):
Because we're decent human beings.

Speaker 4 (38:56):
Then, you know what I'm saying, we probably go to
that that take that next step toward seeing them doing well.

Speaker 3 (39:04):
So for people that want to have the conversation of
with a family member, a biological family member that feel
like they need to disconnect or you know, severarate tie
or whatever the case may be, but they have a
hard time letting go, what would you say to them?

(39:28):
And when is a good time to disconnect? Should they
have to explain theyselves?

Speaker 2 (39:34):
Nah?

Speaker 4 (39:34):
I feel like if you put me in a certain
mood every time I talk to you or see you
or whatever, then y'all gonna need to go ahead and
distance myself from that. You know what I'm saying, Like,
if i'm if I'm happy, and then soon you come around,
my whole energy just gotta change just to deal with.

Speaker 2 (46:03):
Yeah, it depends.

Speaker 4 (46:04):
I don't think it's like a cookie cutter thing. I
think you just got to judge it off, like how
much you're gonna deal with ye you can say in
one thing.

Speaker 3 (46:15):
Well, uh so for those of you who are watching
us on social media, yeah, we don't know. It was
some some technical difficulties. But we're back on, so.

Speaker 2 (46:26):
Get back on and see us.

Speaker 3 (46:28):
For those of you who are watching on my personal page,
you know, if y'all commented, I'll get back to y'all
after the show. But so we are going to take
a really quick commercial break and we'll be right back.
You are tuned into Relationship Ology with your girl Lady Jay,
and my co host Keith Omarch just let me know
he's probably not gonna make it if that's okay, because

(46:49):
me Leo and tross in her having a good old Leo.
So don't do that show every sing you every time
to say y'all, we do read that. Hey, it's your girl,
Lady j. And this is a special public service announcement.

(47:09):
The Gallery Event Center of Indianapolis, Indiana is now an
official partner. If you are a client of mine and
you are in need of a venue to book your
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(47:31):
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(47:54):
visit their website at the Galleryeventcenter dot com. This has
been a special public service announcement by Lady J. Love
y'all deuces. Are you in need of a fresh perspective
on relationships, wholeness, love and transformation, or are feeling consumed
with hurts from the past and finding it difficult to

(48:14):
overcome traumatic events? Will contact licensed marriage and family therapist
Sharon Mason of Love that Relationship. She can get you
back on the road to building a healthy and loving
relationship with yourself and others. Love that relationship all right,

(48:43):
So as y'all can see, I played that commercial twice.
Why because you need to contact them right now. If
you have a relationship problems with friends and family, you
know what I'm saying, or your spouse, go ahead connect
with us. Sharon Mason and she happens to be one
of my very good friends. She's awesome at what she does.
She would definitely help y'all out. Okay, So in our

(49:06):
final minutes of a few minutes of the show, tell
me what are your thoughts about family therapy?

Speaker 2 (49:13):
I don't think nothing wrong with it.

Speaker 4 (49:14):
You know, it's just hard to get people to admit
that it's an okay thing. You know a lot of
people done judged it from thinking it something like negative. Yeah,
I heard some some crazy stuff before that. I am
I'm not even gonna repeat, but I.

Speaker 2 (49:31):
Was like, what, Like, what did you just say?

Speaker 3 (49:35):
Like, it's hard people. It's hard to get people to
go to regular individual therapy, you know, let alone go
to a family therapy because you can't even get people
to show up together collectively on time to be there
or get on the same accord to be able to
do family therapy. So, I mean, I would definitely suggest
that if there's something that you could do, but you

(49:55):
got to know your people, like that's the biggest part.
I think one dynamic that I noticed in my own
family is the cousins, like the kids of the adults,
we were able to hash out our problems way better
than adults. Like adults been holding on the stuff that
happened when they was kids, like y'all fifties and y'all
y'all fifties and sixtems wrong with you know, like we

(50:17):
fall out, say what we gotta say. We may even
get into a fight, but then we loving it on
each other. You know what I'm saying. That's how we
were when we were when we were growing up. Now,
as life happened, you know what I'm saying, things kind
of shifted and changed. But I feel like I don't
know if it's like that for everybody's family, But I

(50:38):
think because the older generation, like our parents, So if
you and like if you like mid thirties to early forties,
you the eighties, you know, late seventies into the eighties, baby,
I feel like y'all parents were got the gist of
the hell that their parents went through, that the babe

(50:59):
went through, you know, coming out of racism, and some
of them grew up on slave plantations and stuff like that.
So I think that that played a big role in
how they were not able to navigate like with conflict
resolution and stuff.

Speaker 4 (51:16):
Outlook on that situation. I never even thought about it
like that, to be honest, but that makes sense. That
definitely makes sense.

Speaker 3 (51:23):
And I think, as like you said, it was the
cousins that were able to resolve their stuff. It's because
you kids, you know, you haven't been jaded by life.
You ain't experienced nothing, you know, so at that point
you're like, Okay, you still my friend, I still love you,
Give me a hug. And you probably did it when
it was no adults around to interfere in that, in

(51:45):
that reconciliation of whatever just happened. When adults play in
or when they tap into what's happening with kids, they're
gonna put all their judgment, all of their resentment, all
of their jadedness, and every thing that they've dealt with
in life onto that situation. For kids, just like you
see puness happening, and it could be something beautiful and

(52:08):
adults would be like, ah ah, that's too grown, bruh.
This child is two years old. They don't know nothing
about what you're talking about. Relax. So that's that's the
part where kids were able to uh, you know, resolve
their own issues because they didn't have an adult to
bring in all of their life experience into a situation,

(52:30):
so it made it a lot easier. I definitely understand
the part of our parents having a lot of that
previous generations hurt, anger, pain, stress, so they carried it,
you know, and they still had to deal with life.

(52:50):
So that wasn't an easy burden to carry. And even
some of us are carrying our parents' burdens and we
don't even we don't even know where to begin and
to break it down because we don't even recognize, like
a lot of us don't even recognize it's our parents
burdens that we're carrying that cause us to be the
way that we are. But that takes some time and

(53:11):
self reflection. So get into yourself. I think though, too,
when you when let's just say you are a family
and you decide to do family therapy, I think one
of the first things that you need to take into
account and be mindful of is when you go into therapy,
it's not about pointing fingers and saying when you did this,
and you did that, and you made me feel like.

(53:32):
It's about expressing how you feel about a situation and
then also addressing your own stuff being accountable for how
you respond it, because at the end of the day,
you are still responsible for you for your actions. And
when you allow people to their actions to change who

(53:53):
you are you know what I'm saying, or to alter
and control how you feel, how you think and move,
then they now have taken power over you, and so
you are no longer in control of yourself. They are
in control of you. So I think that's what you
need when you go into therapy. You need to go
into it with a mindset of how do we how

(54:18):
do we I'll say, how do we recognize what the
issue is, address it and then figure out a strategy
on what steps we need to take to get through
it and then overcome it instead of acting like the

(54:38):
therapist just is just a mediator, you know. Yeah, and
all this role in it and all all the finger
pointing sou in the last four minutes, tell me, what
are some point is that y'all think that people could
could use when going in therapy. I know because myself
I've been in therapy by myself. I I haven't had

(55:01):
the opportunity to go into it with anybody else.

Speaker 4 (55:04):
So you definitely gotta want a change to happen, Like
if you if you're going to therapy, just to be
able if you're going to therapy, Let's say, if you
do go to a couple's therapy, you can't go in
there just to see if the therapist is gonna blame
everything on the other person.

Speaker 2 (55:21):
You know what I'm saying, You gotta.

Speaker 4 (55:23):
You gotta, you gotta want, You gotta want to like
make the change happen. You gotta be open to all
the insights, all the input everything.

Speaker 2 (55:33):
You gotta want the situation to get better.

Speaker 3 (55:36):
So basically, too you're saying, is they have to be
open to to hear what the therapist has to say
about their role in it too, and be able to
accept that. What about you, Leo, I've been in therapy
by myself for the last two years, and I would

(55:56):
just say, like, therapy will break you down. Okay, it'll
break it down. You be in the corner flicking the
light switch, rocking back and forth because therapy then tapped
into something that that you thought that you forgot, you know,
So trying to do it over yeah, and trying to
do that with family can cause some situations and some

(56:21):
riffs and things like that, but you gotta understand that
that's where the healing begins. Like you gotta break it
all the way down to the bottom. You gotta go
all the way back to the beginning and then rebuild
from there. So you gotta be, like True said, you
gotta be open to it. You gotta want to see
that shift happen and change, And you have to understand
that nothing happens overnight in regards to change. That's gonna

(56:45):
it's gonna be little by little. It's gonna be little
by little, and then you're gonna learn skills that will
help you to be able to move forward in that
relationship with your family. But you gotta go in with
the mindset to understand it. It ain't gonna happen overnight, but
we do want to see this change happen in our family.

(57:05):
And I think too, when you when you get to
the point where you invite family to attend therapy with
you or suggest therapy, and if they say no, you
have to be okay with that, but and also not
deprive yourself of the therapy that you know you need
just because they want be a part of it. And

(57:26):
I know for me, therapy didn't work until I was
able to get past the root of the trauma myself,
because there were some things that I had to that
I had to I won't say own, but I had
to wreck. I had to acknowledge that it did happen.

(57:49):
I can have to get out of the denial, you
know what I'm saying, the denial phase. And once I
was able to do that, and then I was able
to address that head on. And let me just say too,
m all family out there, if you parents, if you
want a relationship with your kids, you have to meet
those those expectations in those standards, if you want a

(58:09):
relationship with your kids, especially if you know what they're
saying is right and it's not harmful to either of you.
If you want this kind of relationship with me, that
this is what needs to happen, you know what I'm saying. So,
I think that you have to get to a point
where you are willing, willing to change because up until

(58:29):
this point, who you are and what you've been doing
ain't been working for you, you know what I'm saying. So,
and it's gonna be painful, I'm tell you that right now.
It's not gonna be easy. It's not a it's not
an activity like it's okay. We already know. It's not
a quick fix, and it's not going to be like

(58:50):
a breeze or something. It ain't gonna feel good. I'ma
tell you that right now. It's gonna be painful. You're
gonna be crying. Like see he said, you might be
a quarter flicking lights and stuff like that, but it
is necessary. It's necessary, and give with somebody to who
has been where you've been, because oftentimes we forget to that.

(59:11):
A lot of therapists are out here being therapists based
off theories and what they learned in school and from
a book, and they have no clue on what it
is that you're going through because they haven't experienced it.
And as a psychology major myself, I have mentioned to
a lot of my professors that we make sure that alcoholics,

(59:34):
drug addicts, and you know what I'm saying, even pregnant women.
And so everybody got somebody, a sponsor or somebody that
can identify with where they you know what I'm saying,
what they're going through and stuff like that. They partnered
them with people who's already been there. Why don't we
do that for people who have mental health? You know
what I'm saying, issues or situations in life. They need
to know. That's why they feeling like they're the you

(01:00:00):
know what I did when I was crazy? Let me
tear you y'all could be out here. Y'all could be
out here giving each other ideas. But think about how
Think about how important or how impactful that would have
been for my father if he had met another man
whose mother wasn't in his life and she chose maybe

(01:00:23):
another man and her key other kids seem over him
and he was able to share how he got through
that and how an adoptive mother or another mother he
was able to love her. Imagine how impactful that would
have been his life. Maybe he would have never became
a drug addict in middle school and has been one
his entire life.

Speaker 2 (01:00:42):
You're on to something.

Speaker 3 (01:00:43):
Think about that.

Speaker 2 (01:00:44):
You're onto something? So not with that voice, She's onto something.

Speaker 3 (01:00:50):
I mean.

Speaker 2 (01:00:56):
Something.

Speaker 3 (01:00:56):
So this has been a good conversation, y'all. We are
down to the last three minutes, So you want to
give your final thought, I'll go go. I mean, in
everything that we do in life, we have to be
aware of what it is that we want in the
long run. You want to hear relationships, then you got

(01:01:19):
to tackle them with the idea of I want this
to be better. But you also have to understand not
everybody wants better when it comes to relationships or you
know your family. Also, you gotta go into a lot
of these situations sometimes with an open heart. You might
get hurt, you might cry, you might bleed a little bit,

(01:01:43):
But at the end of the day, if it's something
that you really want, go in it with the open mind,
but also go in it with boundary set for how
much and how long you'll be willing to take what's
being given to you. That's my thoughts. Okay, okay, I

(01:02:05):
mean I got a lot of deep sometime. She read
me a couple of weeks ago. Now she just thinks
you know everything. No, I just be I just be
tuned in. I'd be listening.

Speaker 2 (01:02:20):
If you want to see real change, put legit effort
into it. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (01:02:25):
Like, if you want to see a situation get better,
like do your part the best way you could do
your part, Like for real, don't don't half asked.

Speaker 2 (01:02:33):
Whole asset.

Speaker 3 (01:02:36):
That's it. Though.

Speaker 4 (01:02:42):
I don't play around, you know what I'm saying, don't
don't don't act like you're really putting in that work
when you're really not putting in that work for real,
for real.

Speaker 2 (01:02:49):
That's that's it, man, That's all I get.

Speaker 3 (01:02:52):
All right, And I'm gonna agree with what both of
them said, and my final thoughts is gonna be, you know,
stop feeling like you have to live with toxicity. I
don't care who it is. If they're your biological family,
your mama, daddy, cousin, uncle, aunt, tie, brother, sister, whoever,
you do not have to accept that just because they

(01:03:13):
are blood. God allows everybody to go through certain things
in life for a reason, and none of us are
meant to sit on it. So when you encounter other
people who have experienced what you've experienced and have overcome that,
or have or have been that person that wasn't treating
people so well and they had to change, and He

(01:03:34):
allows them to come in your life to be family,
then you have to be willing to accept that and
make sure that you know that's sufficient and enough, because again,
you can end up, like you know what I'm saying,
like my dad or other people like that where you're
not you're not cognizant of the fact that holding on
is ruining you. So but they're family, y'all. Stop saying that.

(01:04:00):
Stop saying it ain't no butt. If you don't leave,
if you don't let other people do you, any kind
of way treat you, any kind of way, you treat
people the way you want to be treated. And that's everybody. Anybody.
They don't get a past just because they birthed you.
That's it. That's all I got. So, uh, thank y'all
for tuning in to Relationship Ology tonight. Catch us. We

(01:04:22):
won't be on next Friday because we will be gearing
up for the Her Life His Secrets show in Fort
Wayne with a celebrity aster cast, and make sure y'all
tell them to tune in this coming Thursday at twelve
noon right here on jq EL and Radio. We're gonna
have Professor, We're gonna have Omar Gooding in here, We're

(01:04:46):
gonna have Trey Ireland, We're gonna have Prison Bay and
uh yeah, we're gonna have Jamal Woolers will play Big Wheeler. Yes,
So make sure that y'all tune in, uh next Thursday,
and they will all be at the event. Will be
at the after party as well with them. And make
sure I tune into the Fat Girl Chronicles on every
Tuesday night right here on JQ on radio from eight

(01:05:07):
to ten m between lines on Wednesdays six oh five
to seven oh five Eastern Standard time.

Speaker 4 (01:05:15):
Oh y'all rock what? Also, if you're in the Indianapolis
area till tomorrow, catch p h n w B at
Bar seventy nine. Were about to tell the building down. Man,
come on, come out, man, it's gonna be a good show.

Speaker 3 (01:05:28):
Man.

Speaker 2 (01:05:28):
Hope to see y'all that my bad.

Speaker 3 (01:05:30):
You here plug. Tell everybody real quick where they can
follow you.

Speaker 2 (01:05:33):
Uh, it's trosh everywhere.

Speaker 4 (01:05:35):
I T S T R O c h E every
well on any social media platform type that in I
pop up.

Speaker 3 (01:05:42):
Pretty much the same. You can follow me Leo Rochelle.
That's l e O r A c h e L
on Facebook and on Instagram's l e O r a
c h e L double underscore because people out here
still in my name or the letters double underscore. And

(01:06:03):
last but not least, you can follow me just go
to LADYJ dot Co. All of my social media links
are there. You can follow me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,
LDYJ dot co or Lady J brand on LinkedIn at
ladyj uh. And last, but not least, I keep telling
troes to do this. If you need a jingle for
your brand or a show uh intro for your podcast, U,

(01:06:24):
something written for a movie or whatever. A he him up.
I'm telling y'all, he is awesome. Go to istrosh dot com.
That's I T S t R O c h E
dot com. I appreciate that because I definitely be forgetting.
All right, y'all, and remember that when you do it together,
you either together either fall or fly. All right, this

(01:06:46):
has been relationshipology, your girl, Lady J right here on
JQL on Radio, a division of Ego Entertainment Network, and
we are out two fingers mhm. The inspiration for the
songs because of you.

Speaker 1 (01:07:06):
The inspiration for the songs because of you.

Speaker 3 (01:07:11):
The