March 2, 2021 • 56 mins
Lady J and her guests discuss the differences and perks of being compatible and equally yoked with your mate. Follow Pillow Talk on social media @pillowtalkJQLM on Facebook and join the Private Facebook group! If you'd like to be a guest, visit www.ladyj.co or www.themarkb.com to complete the Interview Form.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:23):
All right, Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Pillow Talk.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
I'm trying to stay consistent with this thing my co hosts.
He don't like to cooperate though, so Mark b I
ain't here tonight. I don't know if he's topping on
or not. But I have some special guests for y'all
tonight and tonight our topic is compatibility versus equally yoked,
(00:48):
which one actually works? So I think this is an
interesting topic because it covers a plethora of topics under
a relationship. So tonight I have a couple people with
me on the show and we're gonna get this in.
(01:08):
So y'all know how this goes. So yeah, let's talk
about the topic. But before we get into that, we
have to cover the formalities. So if this is your
first time tuning into the show or tuning into JQL
(01:29):
on radio, y'all losing my thoughts tonight or lose first
time tuning in to JQL on radio, and you want
to share with your family, friends and followers in all
the different ways that they can tune in, make sure
you tell them that they can download the JQL on
Radio app or the tune in app or you can
listen through Alexa. You can also listen live from our
website at www dot ego entertainmentnet dot com, and you
(01:50):
can listen from our Facebook page. For those of you
who are a little lazy, just go to JQL on
radio or pillow Talk and click the use at button. So,
now that we have the formalities out of the way,
let's introduce our guests. I have uh Leo Rochelle. Y'all
know her from the Fat Girl Chronicles. Also Troche from
(02:12):
the Fat Girl Chronicles and between the line or tro.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
What's up, y'all?
Speaker 3 (02:21):
Hey, Hey, pillow Talk family, Mine, y'all, how y'all?
Speaker 2 (02:27):
Good? Good good? This is your first time on pillow Talk.
An't what. Tiffany Ain't no.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Stranger, She's my I'm not. She's been my standing co
host sometimes right.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
With that being said, so I mean this topic though,
and I decided to you know, I chose this topic
rather because I was in this group rsg uh this
week and I've seen a lot of people, you know,
talking about being in a relationship where one girl, one
(03:06):
lady was in a relationship for quite some time with
her husband and you know, he leaves her all hours
of the day, certain, you know, a few days at
a time at home, not really you know, engaging with
her and things of that sort. And then there was
another young lady who was in a relationship with somebody
who she didn't feel was or he cheated or whatever,
(03:31):
and she had forgave him a few times and then
you know, I guess it wasn't working out. You know,
a there are so many scenarios going on. So I
was like, okay, let's talk about compatibility versus equally. Yelp,
because one, you know, the lady who was married, she
was like, you know, I love my husband and I've
stayed this long because I love him. And I was just,
you know, thinking, we're going through some things and it's
(03:51):
gonna get better. And I'm just like, who. And don't
get me wrong, I know that when you love somebody,
it's hard.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
To walk away.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
I've been in a situation, especially if you're in love
with the person, even if they treat you bad, because
you you know, you me and you are loving somebody
who's not loving you back. So I know how difficult
it is to walk away. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 4 (04:21):
So I got a question about like the little example
that you get like with the girl who like the
dude cheated or whatever, but she took him back or
she kept him whatever, Like okay, so did she throw
it in his face all the time after she took him.
Speaker 5 (04:36):
Back, because that's that's a big deal.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
I don't know. Here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Here's the thing though, when you're talking about that, if
you cheat on somebody, if you leave somebody and want
to come back, if you hit on somebody, if you
lie to somebody, you can't get upset during that process
that that person want to talk about it or they
or they're bringing it up. They're trying to work through it. See,
the people who inflict the pain seem to want to
dictate how long it should take somebody. And then irritates
(05:02):
the hell out of me because when somebody hurts you
to your court, because you ain't on the receiving end,
so you don't know what that pain is like until
somebody do it to you.
Speaker 4 (05:12):
But I'm saying, just let me go all the way in.
Don't don't keep me and keep torturing me about it.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
No, no, no, no, no no no.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
That's here's the thing. Okay, See this, this is gonna
be good. Because y'all dudes, y'all gonna have to learn.
Y'all gotta learn when you hurt a woman, when you
word you can't listen, you can't hit me, and then
be hollering because I'm talking to you about you hitting
me and how you hurt me. But I'm telling you,
I love you, and I'm gonna work through the process
(05:39):
and stick with you. Because see, if that was the case,
then we should be leaving every time something happened. And
if people did that, then nobody would be in a relationship.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Also like, also though, if if something happens in a
relationship and I forgive you, although I forgive you, that
does not mean I have fully processed my thoughts and
my feelings. I forgave you because I love you enough
to say, Okay, granted you made a mistake. Okay it
(06:11):
was a mistake. That does not mean that I have
fully like worked through my thoughts and my feelings. Like
that would be like if I punched you in the
gut and be like, all right, stop crying, but it
really hurt, like it really hurts, and then you trying
to tell me and I'm told no, stop crying. That's
like your parents used to give you a whooping and
be like, now wipe your face, and you're trying everything
(06:34):
in the world not to be and you like you
really trying not to be doing all of that because
they told you stop crying. You made a mistake. You
got a whooping and it hurts, and you still gotta
process them tears, although like you like your mama didn
(06:58):
forgave you, but you still got to oursels to hurt
your damn.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Selfing today, hold on because we're skipping the head. So
compatibility versus equally yoke, So let's talk about compatibility. Tell
me what does compatibility and equally yoke mean to both
of you?
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Go ahead, troue.
Speaker 4 (07:21):
I mean, I don't know, like like I don't even
I don't even associate with equally yoked or whatever. Like
it's compatibility for me all day long, you know what
I'm saying. That's that's how I rock. If we compatible
and we like the same stuff, and you know what
I'm saying, we feel the same way about something that
we do see everything like on the same level. Like
(07:41):
that that's what I rock with. I don't I don't
even like register equally yoke.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
That's just me though, okay TI.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
So for me, the difference is so me okay, So
I could be compatible with a lot of people, like
I could be compatible like personality wise, how we maneuver
with each other, how we communicate, all that kind of stuff.
(08:15):
I think when you are equally yoked, that means that
you are on not only like not only are you compatible,
but then you are also able to extend that compatibility
to a deeper level or deeper understanding of where you
(08:36):
are with that person, if that makes sense.
Speaker 5 (08:40):
Like you all have.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
The same goals, you know, not the same goals, but
you all have the same mindset when it comes to
reaching your goals or obtaining your goals. You guys can
communicate effectively efficiently, you know, those kind of things. So,
like I think equally yolked is not just something like
surface level, like we're both humorists. I think that's surface level,
(09:04):
you know. But when I think about being equally yoke,
I think that means like on a deeper level with
that person that you're actually interested in or with or whatever.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Okay, And I think that equally yoak includes go ahead,
troph I'm.
Speaker 4 (09:20):
Just saying, like, that's that's compatibility to me. Like, I
don't equally yoke don't even exist to me, to be honest.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
So being equally yoked and being compatible are two different things.
So for me, being compatible, I mean, shoot, we can
like the same things. We can have music and stuff
in common. You know what I'm saying. We can uh,
you know, like the same sports. We can you know, uh,
sex drives or whatever may match. We may like some
(09:48):
of the same stuff, you know, like you know, movies
or whatever that's compatible. Being equally yoked is something totally different.
I mean, there are things that at our surface level,
and then there are things that are emotional and things
that are on a mental level and a spiritual level.
So if I'm only connecting with you on a physical
(10:10):
and let's say mental level, that's only being compatible in
a sense to a certain extent, being equally yoke, I
need to be able to make sure that I'm compatible
with you on all levels and that our beliefs and
values are in aligned with one another, because we can
like the same stuff and be compatible and stuff. But
if our beliefs and values are not the same, like
for me, for instance, just for an example, like I
(10:33):
have to have if I was to consider like let's
say marrying somebody, for instance, I would have to have
somebody that covers me consistently. I want somebody that it
has the ability to pray for me and with me
and not pray not just pray about me. Does that
make sense? So like when if I'm not at my best,
(10:55):
I need you instead of jumping down my throat, to
be able to go to God and cover me because
apparently there's something that I need to work on. But
if you can't do that, that's something that I need
just because of the things that I've been through in life.
Like my life is centered around God, you know what
I'm saying. So there are things like being able to lead, lead,
leading that manner, not just being able to lead a household,
(11:15):
but being able to lead spiritually, being able to lead
you know what I'm saying. You know mentally, most of
those are things that are that are needed. So when
you talk about being equally yop, that's something else. And
I mean, let's look at how people. You got a
lot of people women mostly that are in church, let's say,
or going to the synagogues or whatever your belief is.
(11:36):
You know what I'm saying, more than men, right, families.
You rarely see families going worshiping together together.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
A family that prays together stays together. Like me and
my kids, we go to church in this house, we
serve God period. Forget whatever everybody else is doing, that
don't matter because at the end of the day, God
come first. So that's to me, that's the difference between
being compacted and be equally.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
Up and that that makes a big difference too. Like
you just said, if if if I'm going through some
things in my life, I need you to be able
to to to pray for me or help me through this,
walk me through this, understand the ways that I understand,
the ways that I deal with the things that I
(12:23):
deal with, you know what I'm saying. But in being
able to do that, there has to be some previous
communication or conversations that have been had and there has
to be a level of vulnerability with that person that
you're with in order for them to be able to
understand how to get you through those times. So that's
(12:44):
another part of it as well.
Speaker 6 (12:46):
Right, So, so so you disagreement that's what you're saying
right now, or or what you say that I say
I think you have done that wrong with whatever.
Speaker 4 (12:59):
I I just gotta immediately pray for you because you're
going through something.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Now.
Speaker 5 (13:03):
I can't give you my opinion on how you're handling
the situation.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
No, no, But what I'm saying is.
Speaker 4 (13:10):
Notification, because that's why I say, YO, don't exist to me,
It's compatibility or nothing.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
So and from I say from a believer standpoint, this
is why I talk about compatibility and aqulio because there
are people who just are compatible, you know what I'm saying.
People who may be non believers or may have other beliefs,
you know what I'm saying, believe in a different type
of you know what I'm saying, Uh, religion or whatever
the case may be. So I want to cover both
sides tonight. So as far as somebody like me who
(13:36):
believes in God the word talks about being equally, oh,
you know what I'm saying, and that that is something
totally different. Yeah, you can give your opinion on something.
If I'm going through something or if I'm struggling to
get better in an area or something, you constantly down
my throat about it and not you know, let's say,
recognize an effort, or somebody cheat or like you was
(13:56):
talking about, if you cheat on somebody in and that
person saying is bringing it up or they're trying to talk,
you know, talk about it, and you getting upset, Well,
you can't get upset because you the one stepped out.
And then see the mindset that that guys have. And
I say guys because y'all the only ones that respond
this way, and you just prove my point when you
(14:17):
got out here. He was talking about it. Y'all want
to inflict her and then try to tell somebody they
taking too long to get over something like that irritates
my entire soul because because you can't, you don't get
to determine how hurt that person is by your actions.
If a woman loves you, if she if she truly
loves you, and she she's in love with you, you
(14:40):
know what I'm saying, and you hurt her, then you
run the risk of, you know what I'm saying, not
only losing her trust, but losing her loyalty and her
respect and that stuff that you can lose in a
blink of an out and it takes time to regain
that back. It's not that she's not willing to re
field that with you or work with you on that.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
But there you.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Have to understand there's still a process in her doing that.
So if you love her and you want her back
with a lot of y'all, do y'all come back to
you know, want to come back to their relationship for
asking to come back, please, you also have to be
willing to understand that it seemed like y'all forget that
you read what you soul there and it's not that
she's intentional on trying to make you suffer.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
But when you hurt somebody, there are consequences. You don't
get to pick it.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
It is what those consequences are and how long they last.
Speaker 4 (15:30):
But it is though like like y'all don't like to
admit it, but y'all really want that person to feel
the same amount of pain that you caused them, you're not.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
But if she loves you, she's even if even though
that somebody was because okay, so let me just be
real for a minute. I I have been hurt to
that point where yes, I do want you to feel
the way the pain that I feel. I would like
to go out and do the exact same thing to
you that you did to me, but because I love you,
that that is, there's something in me that won't allow
(16:05):
me to do that, because my goal is to never
intentionally hurt, regardless of what you've.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Done to me.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Yes, I'm suffering, Yes I'm hurting. Yes I want you
to feel that pain. But my right now, I don't
even have the energy to do that because I'm too
busy trying to hold myself together emotionally, you know what
I'm saying, and mentally and work through this thing. And
it's like, y'all, y'all wanna once she says, okay, I'll
you know, I'll try and forgive you or whatever. That
doesn't mean that things happen overnight. Hell, that's anything in life,
(16:34):
anything in life. If yo, Mama, your daddy, or somebody
hurt your feelings, you may say, yeah, I forgive you.
Yeah you still love them, You're still gonna have a
relationship with them, But that don't mean you over it.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
And I think a lot of times when when we
inflict pain, we we want that person to and because
we said we're sorry, we expect that person to be like, oh, okay,
all right, let's go out here and have a good time.
Together no, like I do forgive you, but I'm hurt,
(17:07):
like I am truly hurt. And that's okay. So this
is a good analogy. You fall down and scrape your knee,
it's bleeding. You didn't peel back the skin to the
white meat. There is a process for that scab or
that need that when you scrape your need to heal. Yep,
(17:28):
that's just like a person. You hurt my feelings, You
made me feel some type of way. Now I'm in
my head about how I feel about myself, how I
feel about you, how I feel about the situation at hand.
Now I'm overthinking about how did this happen, Where did
this come from? How didn't I see it? What can
(17:48):
I do better? What can I do different? Do I
really want to leave? How long do I want to stay?
Am I going to endure this same pain again?
Speaker 4 (18:00):
Don't come your glass back to me then, until you.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
So so you want to be, you're gonna be able
to inflict pain and then tell somebody to leave me
the fuck alone, Leave me alone until leave me alone,
until you get yourself.
Speaker 4 (18:19):
What I'm saying is it could be, it could be
somebody could have made a mistake.
Speaker 5 (18:23):
You know what I'm saying, like, and mistakes do happen.
Let's let's just be real.
Speaker 4 (18:26):
Mistakes do happen, but don't keep on making me relived
this mistake.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
That's not what we're saying. That's not what we're saying.
We're not saying making you feel or to relive that
mistake every day. What we're saying is is that we're
still gonna move forward. But you can't tell me how
long I can take to heal from the hurt you
inflicted on me.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
Right, well, just keep it because you're not going to
keep on making me talk about this every day.
Speaker 5 (18:54):
That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Here's the thing, then, then you shouldn't cause see here's
the thing. No woman that you cheat with it's gonna
ask you to back. It's usually the dude asking her
for another chance. So let's just be clear about that.
Uh So when you asked for your next chance, you
need to pay sure, Wait a minute, Nope, nope, nope.
See here's the thing, because see y'all want to try
that too. Well, you didn't have to say yeah, okay, no,
(19:17):
I didn't have to say yeah, And to me, that's
an ungrateful statement because here's a thing. You know what
you had when you left, or you know and you
know what the hell that you would be miserable without her,
So don't come with that ungrateful attitude. If you went
out there and you hurt this woman and now you
want her back, you don't then get to dictate what
(19:38):
she can and can't do, what she can and can't,
talk about how long she has to go through this
and and when she should be over it. No, it
does not work that way. If I was to hurt uh,
the guy that I'm with, I would not dare tell him, well,
you need to hurry up and get over this, or no,
I don't want to hear about that. No, where I
already told you what I did. I said I was sorry,
(19:59):
and you need to move on now now hecky, now
that to me, that is so insensitive. If that's the case,
you don't ask her, don't ask to come back.
Speaker 5 (20:11):
Right.
Speaker 4 (20:11):
So basically, the you you taking me back part is
the the you getting me back me taught you torture
to me every day talking about this this this, the
this is my this is the equivalent to what I
did to you. I got to deal with this ship
every fucking day until you get.
Speaker 3 (20:25):
Over No, Okay, so listen, okaya, who hurts you? For real?
Speaker 2 (20:33):
That's what I'm trying to say. I'm like, who hurts you?
Speaker 3 (20:40):
Who hurts you? You can tell us, you can tell
us you want to beat her up for you, right
because since this gay brother man, let's be the tros.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Look at it from this point. Okay, look at it
from this perspective. When a woman takes you back, it's
not to torture you. But understand that when she takes
you back, she's taking you back still in a vulnerable
state and in a hurt state. In the back of
her mind, she's wondering, when is the next time he's
(21:14):
gonna step out and go sleep with somebody else, When
is the next time he just gonna up and leave me?
When is the next time he gonna raise his hand
to me? You know what I'm saying. But she loves him,
so she continues to give him chance after chance, because
in a relationship you have to learn how to forgive.
You have to leave room for disappointment because you are
two imperfect people trying to build something that is perfect
(21:36):
for the two of you. So he has to leave
room for disappointment. She has to leave room for disappointment.
But both of y'all have to understand. That's why it's
important to understand people's love language. Yes, you love them
in the way that you know that you know that
you love, but you also have to learn how to
love them in the way that they need and receive it.
(21:58):
I'm a giver and that's the way I love people.
But this person, the guy that I'm with, is a
word of affirmation. I have to be a giver, but
I also have to make sure that I'm giving words
of affirmation. You have to be able to do both,
and you have to be consistent. See, y'all get a
girl and you'll you'll say you love her, y'all get complacent,
you stop doing everything you did to get her, and
(22:20):
then you want to then put all the blame on
her about why this ain't working out, why they ain't
working out, and then don't want look at yourself, And
then y'all want to justify why you did what you did, why.
Speaker 3 (22:30):
You cheated because you wasn't doing what you were doing,
and you weren't doing what you was doing before exactly.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Don't get me wrong, because women get complacent too.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
You know what I'm saying, they let themselves go, they
don't they stop doing so it's it's both sides. But
when it comes to this, this, when it comes to this,
what you're talking about, it seemed like men are the
only one who do that. Y'all want to y'all want
people to get over y'n't want to hear it. Well,
if you didn't want to hear it, then you should
had no business going out there and doing what you
was doing.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Made a different mistake.
Speaker 5 (23:00):
Just say no if you're not ready yet.
Speaker 3 (23:02):
And this is the thing though, this is the thing though,
I don't even think. I don't think Lady J is
saying and I know that I'm not saying that every
time I'm hurt, I'm gonna bring it up and throw
it in your face, or every time we have an argument,
I'm gonna throw it in your face. No, that's not
what we're saying. What I'm saying is i'm hurt. You
(23:22):
cannot tell me how soon to heal. You can't tell
me when.
Speaker 5 (23:26):
To be over it.
Speaker 3 (23:27):
I'm gonna move forward and we're gonna keep progressing in
this relationship. But if I feel like I got some
questions or I need to ask you, or I need
to talk to you, or we sit here and have
a conversation about what happened, and you deny me that.
That is you blatantly telling me na fuck all that
(23:48):
I'm not finna keep talking about this. Well, you don't
have that. You don't have that option, really, because right
if you want to be men, you really don't have
that option. Because what it is at this point is
now me trying to uh not pick at I ain't
(24:09):
trying to pick.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
At the fucking scab.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
But at the same time, it's some things I need
to understand so I can move past this. Right, So,
ain't nobody saying like every time we have a conversation
or every time you do something or you was probably
doing this with that half. We ain't saying that. We're
not saying that part.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Hold on, let me read some of these comments. Cat says,
I agree with Tros. Once you forgive infidelity, don't continue
to use that against them and constantly throw it in
their face. To having conversations about the situation is different,
But being super negative and using it as a weapon
is not okay. That part and that part and in
that manner is okay, leo, but not using it as
a weapon. So I what I'm saying, Nah, This is
(24:49):
where the equally yolk part comes in at because see,
you can be compatible, but when you're going through something
like that or heart a very difficult situation.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
Like that, y'all have to learn how to at that
point your your your love.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
You know, you know the cliche that a love not
tested can't be trusted. All right, So your trosh is saying, well,
don't don't say yeah if you not ready.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
So here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
But here's the thing with that, And again this goes
back to my point that if every time you do
something wrong or every time you make a mistake, I'm
leaving or I'm out of here. Then I'm not a
loyal person. You can't count on me.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
I can't there.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
I'm not somebody you can work with when you when
when times get tough. I'm gonna be that person that
run out all the time. See y'all say, y'all want
a woman that can hold y'all down, that to stick
with y'all through ups and downs. And then when you
try to do that, you complain about that, or you
gonna try to tell her how to do.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
It right by telling you don't keep bringing that up.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
Okay, talking about it is one thing, yes, but what
you said to beat you up is another. So if
I'm not using it to beat you up, but I'm
working through my emotions and that's another thing too. But
why you have to learn how to not just not
just you have to learn how to actually learn your partner.
If you are with a woman who has been hurt
by men before, especially if she's being raped or abused,
(26:06):
or was fatherless or something like that, that kind of
hurt is it's gonna hit different for her. It's gonna
it's gonna take a little time. And I'm gonna just
be honest. My first my first husband, he did all
of the above abuse, you know, INFIDELI all that. It
took me eight years to get over that eight years.
But I was already a broken teenager when I met him,
(26:26):
So that's why it took so long. So now and
being in a relationship, if you when you hurt me
to my core like that, oh, it's gonna take me
a minute. It ain't gonna happen overnight, it you know
what I'm saying, It might take a couple of months.
It may take a year or two, it ain't gonna
take me seven or eight. But you can't be upset
or feel some type of way when I'm dealing with
it the way I'm dealing with because it ain't like
(26:48):
you want to deal with it with me, even though
you're the one that inflicted the pain, you know what
I'm saying. So if I need to talk about it,
let me talk about it. And if I'm working through it,
you can't tell me how to work through it.
Speaker 4 (27:00):
I'm just saying, so, Okay, let let let's just say this.
We having a marvelous fucking day.
Speaker 5 (27:05):
We chilling. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (27:06):
Everything going swell. You know what I'm saying. But you
know the questions be your head and then you ask
me to ruin the whole mood of the day. Who
want to deal with that type of ship? We just was,
We was just vibing. They let that ship alone.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Don't keep don't wan that ship, Tiffany. You want to answer.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
This is.
Speaker 7 (27:34):
It's the level of anger, and it's the anger in
the that like like don't don't may you mean ane
that level of anger in his throat.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Speaking for hold on, hold on, troch. Hold that throat.
Let's let's a minute. Let's take a quick.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Breaks of troch so you can calm down. You need
a water, he needs some milk. Let what what you say?
Speaker 5 (28:04):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (28:05):
I say you need some milk. Yeah, let's hold on.
We're gonna be right back. Now we can stay. We'll
be right back. Let's say quick break.
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Speaker 2 (31:32):
Track Funk by Arulo.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
All right and we're back, Truce. You calm down, you
calm now, we.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
Can get your little card.
Speaker 4 (32:01):
Uh. So I could have had anything, Yeah, and he
would have. He was said the same, So I don't know.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
Martin ain't on here tonight, so he can't.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
I was about to say, that's the difference, Mark, ain't
trust me.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
You would definitely be on your side.
Speaker 3 (32:15):
He would, so he would completely.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Chantelle says that she she agrees with Troe. So here's
my question. To troch if that's how you feel, huh.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
And you know that because see, here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Y'all would wait maybe a day or two, maybe a
week or maybe even a month when y'all know that
the grass wasn't so green on the other side, and
then y'all come and y'all ask for another chance. So you,
being a guy, if a woman wants to hurt you,
because let's be real, if a woman was to hurt
y'all the same way that y'all hurt us, y'all can't
(32:54):
take it.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Y'all can't take it. Ain't no going back.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Ain't no listening to her, ain't none of that for
the true This is a fact fact, Okay.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
So if you're gonna wait a couple of weeks, three weeks,
two weeks.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
And see a couple of days or a month, and
you know that you yourself wouldn't be over it, but
you talk about, well, why don't why say yes?
Speaker 2 (33:15):
If you're not ready, then.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
You know God, and damn well, she ain't she ain't
over Why?
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Why? Why? But see love you, that's why you.
Speaker 5 (33:28):
Do answer the first question.
Speaker 4 (33:31):
So so to answer the first question, I mean, you
can't just answer that off the top of the thromb,
like it's a it's a situation new question.
Speaker 5 (33:41):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (33:41):
You can't just answer that if you're not in a situation,
you know what I'm saying. Then the second part.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Of that, ain't nobody over it that quick? If they
love you, ain't nobody over it that quick. I'ma tell
you that, right, nobody.
Speaker 4 (33:54):
And then my second part, my second answer is I'm
not saying be over it or whatever. I'm not saying
you've got to get over the ship immediately. I'm just
saying I don't want to have to keep talking about it.
So you got to take your ass in the other room.
Speaker 3 (34:07):
And and do you really get to choose that though?
Do you get to choose how often we're gonna have
this conversation when you're the one that messed up exactly.
Speaker 4 (34:20):
To not have to not have to deal with it
every day because you might want to tell nobody every.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Day, Yeah you should. Nobody said it every day.
Speaker 3 (34:27):
You shouldn't have to deal with it every day.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
You shouldn't. Yeah, that's true. That's true.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
Now when it's somebody like that, like I said, most
people that that do it that way, or when that's
their response, maged exactly, they're they're still damaged and they
still have some things that they need to work through.
That's why I said, it's important to learn your partner.
So like some guys can barely remember a birthday or anniversary,
let alone her favorite color, her favorite food, what some
(34:54):
of the things that she that she eats on her sandwich,
what things some of y'all y'all don't even pay attention
like that. Now, let me say some guys do, because
I know some guys who do, and we love that.
We love men who pay attention. And when you don't
pay attention, we notice when you're inconsistent.
Speaker 4 (35:10):
We notice definitely one of them do this shit. But
like time, that's one thing I cannot like when you
ask your time or when this happened? To win that y'all,
fuck you got me?
Speaker 1 (35:22):
I'm okay. Hold on, Linda, Linda, doctor J. She says,
they cannot take it. Cat says, I know some guys
that would have that would and have taken the woman
back after the woman cheated. Uh, And she disagrees with me.
Sometimes you can get over it quickly. Everybody's process of
time is different, and it is the love that allows
someone to go over quickly. Now I'll say you can
(35:43):
get over it quickly if you don't love that person.
I mean because when I found out like my second
husband was cheating, I was already emotionally detached, so I
didn't even care, Like I didn't even know why I was.
I had been over it because I mean it Just
like I said, if you're if your love.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
That person, it's not gonna hurt. You know what I'm saying.
I mean, I mean, it's gonna hurt.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
But if you don't, then you know what I'm saying,
it ain't really gonna phasee you. But what I'm saying
is this is where, because see it's times like this
that love ain't gonna be enough. You know what I'm saying,
Just loving you ain't enough because it don't cover uh,
it doesn't. It can't fix the hurt, It can't fix
what happened. This is where that prayer comes in, that.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
Will to your willingness to uh to.
Speaker 1 (36:27):
Support and work at it and be a you know
I'm saying, be a teammate and then still remain loyal
even in the midst of your pain of people everybody
can't do that and and if you if that ain't
what you want, see, you can't just apply that or
only want.
Speaker 2 (36:43):
It to good to to the good stuff.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
When the bad stuff happens and the disappointments and the
short falls happen, then.
Speaker 2 (36:52):
You need that for that too. Otherwise you don't have nothing.
Speaker 3 (36:56):
And this is the other thing I think along with
knowing your partner, understanding their ways and how they are,
you got to know their past situations and what they've
already previously dealt with. I know a lot of times
people say, oh, well, I want to know about your past,
but you do because that's what That's what makes me
(37:17):
who I am today. Whether it's good, bad, or and different,
that's what makes me who I am today. So by
a person saying your past don't matter, it really does.
My past really really makes a big difference in how
I am in this relationship, how I am able to
love you in this relationship, how I'm able to receive love,
(37:40):
how I'm able to get over things, how I'm able
to communicate with you. And sometimes that's not the easiest
thing to do. When a person has not been loved properly,
when a person has not been communicated with and they
don't know how to communicate. So it's a lot of
different factors that play a role into that soul. Like
Lady J said, that's where you need to know your partner.
(38:03):
You need to know your person because if you know
that your person has been severely damaged and abused and
hurt prior to you all being together, yeah, they're gonna
have to go through that every day with you because
in their head something you triggered something that they probably
didn't know that they still had brewin underneath. You trigger
(38:28):
something in that person, You trigger something and their feelings
and their thoughts that they probably was trying to very.
Speaker 5 (38:34):
Deep down and keep it moving.
Speaker 3 (38:36):
But now the same situation is coming to back. Now,
the same situation that is happening again. And no, it
is not your responsibility to heal. It's not your responsibility
to heal their past. But you are here now, so
help me through that situation on top of this situation
(38:58):
with you, and we can keep it moving forward because
and this is the other thing, a lot of us
in relationships want to come to the table and people
to accept us as we are, no questions asked. The fuck, No,
(39:19):
I'm gonna come to the table, I'm gonna ask some questions,
and as we are dealing with the ship that we're
dealing with, we're gonna figure this out. It ain't no
cutting dry shit, but we gotta figure out how we're
gonna deal with each other, how we're gonna process through
all of this, and then how we're gonna move forward.
Other than that, if we can't figure those things out,
we need to keep it.
Speaker 1 (39:38):
Moving right right and trosh, I think that in Tiffany
to just the piggyback off for what you said, I'm
gonna say everything that you said was me to the
tea in my mind, and I'm pretty sure in a
lot of people's mind if I've been so you know,
I just shared a little bit. But if I had
somebody hit me before, you know what I'm saying, or
(39:59):
if I have somebody cheat on me before, if I
had somebody leave me before, like every man that's been
in my life, they've they've left or you know what
I'm saying, other people or I left them, but most
of them have just left. And when I say left,
even if you know my husbands or whatever, but they
didn't just leave me. They left our kids, you know,
what I'm saying, all of that, it wasn't being a
daddy's I'm used to that, and that's sad.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
But I expected, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (40:25):
I don't ever expect somebody to stay because everybody, every guy.
Speaker 2 (40:29):
So when you do that, yes, it hurts.
Speaker 1 (40:32):
Yes, I'm constantly it seems like it's stupid to keep
putting yourself out there just to get hurt again, because
you know what the end result is going. But it
don't matter what caliber of god it is. It don't matter,
you know what I'm saying. If they're a bad guy,
if it's a good guy, it's always the same end result,
you know what I'm saying. And even in those situations
(40:54):
where they'll admit, you know, she didn't do anything, it
was all me, you know what I'm saying. She didn't
deserve that. And while that person is flawed, so am
I and I think that's why it's important for us
to be honest upfront, like you said, and have the
conversations about your past. So for me, I come into
the relationship telling you, hey, this is what happened to me,
(41:17):
this is uh, this is how I am. These are
my immediate triggers that way, you have the option to
either continue to pursue me or walk away. If you
continue to pursue me, that's your choice, because best believe
I didn't step to you and I wasn't pursuing you.
So if I, IF I, if I, if I show
(41:42):
you that and then you turn around and do.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
To me the same thing.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
That the previous people before you did to me, that's
worse because you you knew that this happened to me,
and then you turned around you did the exact same thing.
Speaker 5 (42:02):
You see, that's a catch twenty two.
Speaker 4 (42:04):
That's a catch twenty two because then okay, say say,
oh I told him all this that happened and gave
him an option. What if twenty five dude said, nah,
I ain't willing to deal with that bullshit.
Speaker 5 (42:15):
But you got other motherfuckers like, well he don't know
what he got you and all that type of that shit.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Yo, you deal with that and to you, yeah, and
you stay a solo to you ready, like come on man,
like that that's come on, bro, let's be real.
Speaker 1 (42:30):
He actually says to me, that's where that third chord
who is God comes from? Because as a human, you
can only do so much and go through spiritual guidance,
you tap into another realm of love that opens doors
to healing on both ends. Absolutely absolutely. But here's the thing, Troche.
Everybody comes into a relationship with baggage. Everybody if a
dude ain't used to a woman supporting him and what
(42:52):
it is that he wants to do in life or
in who he is, if he ain't used to a
woman taking him out or you know what I'm saying,
by him nice things or something like that. When you notice,
when you first start getting something, you take it for granted,
or because in your mind you're like, ah, this is
too good to be true, or you start comparing that
person to the X person that or that other person
(43:14):
that mess you up so bad you don't even realize
how you're treating the new.
Speaker 2 (43:17):
Person that you're with.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
And then when that person tries to show you or
tell you, you're like, nah, you tripping that, ain't that?
Speaker 2 (43:27):
Ain't me, I'm not doing that, Okay, okay.
Speaker 1 (43:29):
So then so then the person backs up, you know
what I'm saying. The person backs up or they stop
you know, thee things start the doing, or they stop
doing the stuff that they.
Speaker 5 (43:38):
Used to do.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
Because you don't want to admit or see you know
what I'm saying, what it is they're saying. And that's
on both sides. But that's why when you come into
the relationship, you need to explose, I mean, disclose your
past and be honest about what your triggers are and
what you expect, but also don't manage that information because
(44:00):
when you do that, especially as a guy. And this
woman has set up here and exposed herself to you
and told her and told you the things that she's
gone through, some of the mistakes she made, what happened
to her, and then you turn around and do the
same thing, whether it was intentional or not, it's gonna
hurt worse because she had already went through the healing
(44:22):
process to get over it. Then she put herself out
there to be vulnerable again, and then you turn around
and hurt her the same way all over again. And
then y'all want to say, well, I'm not a bad guy,
I'm that guy. No, you're not that guy in your mind. No,
you might not be a bad guy. But guess what,
it's worse because you just did the exact same thing
that I just told you. This person did.
Speaker 5 (44:44):
But at the end of the day, your ass wasn't ready.
So why you do it?
Speaker 3 (44:49):
No, because you because you could have healed for me.
Speaker 1 (44:54):
Yeah, if you heal okay, for instance, you would have
been healed from my passes, from my past situation. If
I turn into a relationship with Mark for instance, I
mean we in a relationship. So I mean, let's say that, Okay,
I was cheating. If Mark cheats on me, he knew,
he knows what my history is about that. Had I
(45:16):
had been by myself for years, I've been here from that,
but I've we four years in. If we four years
in and I'm you know what I'm saying, supporting you.
A lot of people know some of our story. Hell,
I got you all the way to the ground, Ben
sent from day one. I didn't have your back. If
you turn around and you walk out of here and
you cheat on me because you think you know what
I'm saying, I ain't listening or whatever. You know what
(45:38):
I'm saying, whatever you want to justify with you know
what I'm saying, that's gonna hurt worse because it ain't
that I wasn't here. You turned around and you did
the same thing to me that this man and this
man and this man and this man did. I expect
you to make mistakes. I expect you to disappoint me,
but there are some things that I expect you never
(45:58):
to do.
Speaker 4 (46:00):
But I'm not talking about like it's specific like cheating.
Speaker 5 (46:03):
I'm not saying that.
Speaker 4 (46:04):
I'm just saying like, like any any other little things,
it's triggers though. You know what I'm saying, like any
other thing can trigger you, and that's not fair, you
know what I'm saying, Like you wasn't ready if something
small like oh you ain't close, and that's a trigger, bro.
Speaker 5 (46:17):
You know what I'm saying, like, like you can't just
would out just because you see I think.
Speaker 4 (46:22):
The last person did, like one of the things the
last person did, that's that's a trigger.
Speaker 5 (46:27):
You know what, You're not ready?
Speaker 3 (46:29):
So I think I think so on on the lines
of what Lady Jay is talking about compared to what
you're talking about, we're talking about two totally different extremes.
Speaker 5 (46:40):
About cheating.
Speaker 2 (46:41):
No no, no, no uh.
Speaker 3 (46:44):
I'm saying like you're talking about something small as far
as like a cabinet not being closed, Like yeah, it
might be irritating, but right, and that's what I'm saying,
I'm taking your example compared to Lady Jay's example. Those
that's two totally different ends of the spectrum. Like the
cabinet might be not being closed as an irritant, not
(47:05):
a trigger, that's just irritating, like bruh, close this damn cabinet.
That's like, you know it's an irritant, But you going
out here and cheating on me or whatever, like something
that this other man did to the extreme that I
already let you know that I've dealt with it before
(47:26):
it hurt. I'll let you know my level of hurt.
I'll let you know my level of pain with that.
I've dealt with it, I've healed from it. And that's
how we're here now. That's how we're here in this
relationship now. But then for you to turn around and
do whatever it is that I.
Speaker 5 (47:41):
Told you that these other people.
Speaker 3 (47:43):
Did, and you did it knowing in your mind you
know that this is what happened to me, and then
you turn around and do it to me, then that's
even more hurtful because you knew. That's like me, that's
like me talking to you trosh and you tell me
(48:05):
something that happened in one of your previous friendships. It
don't even happen necessarily be in relationship. Something happened in
one of your previous friendships, and then me being your friend,
we turn around and we get into it about that
exact same thing. That shit is going to hurt even
though like you over there with that last person, but
at this point in time, like damn, tip, I ain't
(48:26):
even think you would do me like that, you know,
I ain't even think you would treat me like that.
Like I already told you how that happened with my
homie Yah Blah dah black in the day, and then
you turn around to do that to me. So we
don't necessarily just apply to relationships, I mean like intimate relationships.
It applies to relationships across the board exactly because I
(48:47):
know what you went through. But then for me to
turn around to put you through that same thing like that,
don't make that. Don't that don't feel good to.
Speaker 1 (48:54):
Nobody exactly, says he's talking about triggers that pops the
insecurity bubble, and Letty Jay is talking about being healed
and injured again. That's listen, that's like if you, for instance,
let's say.
Speaker 2 (49:09):
Get shot in your leg. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (49:12):
It ain't gonna be one hundred percent, but you heal
up to about let's say ninety percent. If somebody turn
around and shoot you in that same leg again, in
the same spot, you know it's gonna be damaged even
worse the second time. Right, It's like you heal up
and then and then it happens again. It could be
somebody ignoring you, It can be somebody not spending time
with you.
Speaker 2 (49:31):
It can be any of those things, any of those things.
Speaker 1 (49:35):
So this is what this is why I want to
talk about compatitive, being compatible versus being equally yoked.
Speaker 2 (49:41):
For some people it's the same thing.
Speaker 1 (49:43):
For some people, it's different for me personally, and I
know for Tiffany it's two different things. So when you
get into these situations in relationships, because we don't like
to talk about everybody want to post their pictures of
date night with Bay and vacation all talking and stuff.
But see, we don't want to be honest and real
talk about the issues in relationships. Like I hate when
people say, don't take advice from people who's marry people,
(50:07):
don't take advice from people who divorced or people who's
you know what I'm saying, every.
Speaker 2 (50:10):
First of all, take advice from because I.
Speaker 3 (50:14):
Can tell you my whole damn life.
Speaker 1 (50:19):
They can tell you what not to do because they've
already been through it and made the mistake. It's the
same thing.
Speaker 2 (50:24):
It's teaching your kids what things not to do because
you used to do it. You know what I'm saying
to me, that's stupid.
Speaker 1 (50:30):
So when you are yes, you have to discern though
who who's being wise and the device that you're being given.
But in relationships, let's be honest.
Speaker 2 (50:42):
People hurt people, period.
Speaker 1 (50:45):
It don't matter whether it's physically, whether it's emotionally, whether
it's mentally. In relationships, everybody comes into the relationship flawed.
I don't care how much you want to try to
be right all the time when you're arguing, how much time,
how much you want to try to you know what
I'm saying, how much you want to try to excuse
yourself from blame. In every situation. You're flawed, so is
(51:08):
the other person. You have baggage, so does the other person.
One person is usually more open and honest about being
flawed than the other person because of the level of
vulnerability in the relationship between the two people. But when
that happens, we may be compatible, meaning that, like I said,
(51:30):
we may have the same interest, we may like each other,
we may compliment each other when we when people see
us out, we may look good as a unit less
Kevin Hart should say, you know I'm saying, we ain't
look at it as a unit. But when it comes
to those to those situations being on the same level spiritually,
because for me, ain't no real relationship without God at
(51:50):
the center. Ain't no real relationship if I got to
if we can't pray together, if I got to beg
you to do that, ain't no real relationship.
Speaker 2 (51:57):
If you can't cover me.
Speaker 1 (51:58):
If I'm struggling, I'm crying, I'm going through something, you
don't know what to do.
Speaker 2 (52:03):
Sometimes, because I know guys.
Speaker 1 (52:04):
Want to fix stuff, you can't fix that, So how
about you go to the one who can. And sometimes
I'm not gonna feel like praying for myself, So that's
when I need you to pray for me. I don't
want you to just be I don't want you to
only pray for me when I'm laid up sick. I
want you to I don't want that to be a
deably thing. I get up every morning and my first
thing that I do is pray. I cover my kids,
(52:24):
I cover marks. Sometimes I'll even lay hands on why
he's sleep. That's that's me. But that's the kind of
stuff that I need on it, and don't be conditional
with it. Those are not when you're equally yo. Those
things aren't based on conditions.
Speaker 2 (52:39):
If you make me mad, then I pray you.
Speaker 1 (52:42):
If you make me mad, then I don't work. I
won't want to work on that with you. If you
make me mad, that ain't No. Those things are are
a must period because even when I'm upset with with God,
or even when things ain't going my way. Matter of fact,
when everything is going okay, I still need to be
talking to God saying thank you. You can't in relationship
with somebody and everything be conditional. If that's the case,
(53:03):
you don't need to be in a relationship with nobody is.
Speaker 3 (53:07):
And I think above all else that that open that
ability to come to that person and say, hey, look,
you know this is, this is what this is how
I feel this doesn't sit right with me, you know,
and I feel like I should be able to tell
(53:29):
you this is how I feel. Sometimes that is hard.
It's hard because you love a person and you don't
want you don't want them to feel like they're out
here just like fucking you over. But at the same time,
you want them to know, like how how certain things
or the way that they maneuver make you feel. So
those conversations are important, not arguing, not bringing up random beings,
(53:53):
because people do that all the time, like bring up
something really random and be like what you know. But
I think it's a matter of being able.
Speaker 5 (54:02):
To have those conversations. As you guys are moving.
Speaker 3 (54:05):
Forward and working on your relationship, you got to be
able to have those conversations. And I say that, but
it is hard for me. It is a very hard
thing to bring things to the table. It's hard for
me to have those type of hard conversations because I
never want to hurt somebody's feelings. I never want somebody
(54:28):
to feel like I'm attacking them or anything like that. Like,
my goal is to just let you know how I
truly feel. It's not saying that you are doing anything.
It could be me not reading the situation correctly. So
that's why we needed to have this conversation. So that
I can gain some clarity and some understanding. So it's
(54:51):
hard for me to have those conversations because I know
one of my biggest things was, you know, back in
the day when you was a kid, it's like, you know,
you're a king, you don't have an opinion, And so
as I got older, it was kind of like, hm,
you know, So as an adult, that's something that I'm
(55:12):
still working on or trying to figure out. I can
have conversations and I can talk to people about how
I feel, but when it's when it's in on a
level of intimacy with a person or in an intimate relationship,
it's a little harder for me to have those kind
of conversations because I never want my partner to feel
like I'm attacking.
Speaker 1 (55:31):
Right, we're gonna, uh, we're gonna continue this conversation because
we're gonna ready end on jq el and Radio. So
for those of you who are listening live on jq
ELM Radio, you can hop on over to uh Facebook,
either Lady J page, jq ELM Radio page, pillow Talk page,
the Mark B page, or my personal page. As we
continue this conversation, you know, pillow Talk, we always go.
Speaker 5 (55:53):
Right, we always go over.
Speaker 2 (55:55):
I didn't even get to.
Speaker 1 (55:55):
Do a relationship Shenan again, so we might do that. Also,
stick and stay. Those of you who are here live.
We ain't gonna go nowhere. I'll be right back, all right,
We're gonna close out the show here on j q
OL on Radio. Thank y'all for tuning in to Pillow
(56:17):
Talker Show, to No Grow and Show and love and Relationships,
All right, Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Pillow Talk.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
I'm trying to stay consistent with this thing my co hosts.
He don't like to cooperate though, so Mark b I
ain't here tonight. I don't know if he's topping on
or not. But I have some special guests for y'all
tonight and tonight our topic is compatibility versus equally yoked,
(00:48):
which one actually works? So I think this is an
interesting topic because it covers a plethora of topics under
a relationship. So tonight I have a couple people with
me on the show and we're gonna get this in.
(01:08):
So y'all know how this goes. So yeah, let's talk
about the topic. But before we get into that, we
have to cover the formalities. So if this is your
first time tuning into the show or tuning into JQL
(01:29):
on radio, y'all losing my thoughts tonight or lose first
time tuning in to JQL on radio, and you want
to share with your family, friends and followers in all
the different ways that they can tune in, make sure
you tell them that they can download the JQL on
Radio app or the tune in app or you can
listen through Alexa. You can also listen live from our
website at www dot ego entertainmentnet dot com, and you
(01:50):
can listen from our Facebook page. For those of you
who are a little lazy, just go to JQL on
radio or pillow Talk and click the use at button. So,
now that we have the formalities out of the way,
let's introduce our guests. I have uh Leo Rochelle. Y'all
know her from the Fat Girl Chronicles. Also Troche from
(02:12):
the Fat Girl Chronicles and between the line or tro.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
What's up, y'all?
Speaker 3 (02:21):
Hey, Hey, pillow Talk family, Mine, y'all, how y'all?
Speaker 2 (02:27):
Good? Good good? This is your first time on pillow Talk.
An't what. Tiffany Ain't no.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Stranger, She's my I'm not. She's been my standing co
host sometimes right.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
With that being said, so I mean this topic though,
and I decided to you know, I chose this topic
rather because I was in this group rsg uh this
week and I've seen a lot of people, you know,
talking about being in a relationship where one girl, one
(03:06):
lady was in a relationship for quite some time with
her husband and you know, he leaves her all hours
of the day, certain, you know, a few days at
a time at home, not really you know, engaging with
her and things of that sort. And then there was
another young lady who was in a relationship with somebody
who she didn't feel was or he cheated or whatever,
(03:31):
and she had forgave him a few times and then
you know, I guess it wasn't working out. You know,
a there are so many scenarios going on. So I
was like, okay, let's talk about compatibility versus equally. Yelp,
because one, you know, the lady who was married, she
was like, you know, I love my husband and I've
stayed this long because I love him. And I was just,
you know, thinking, we're going through some things and it's
(03:51):
gonna get better. And I'm just like, who. And don't
get me wrong, I know that when you love somebody,
it's hard.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
To walk away.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
I've been in a situation, especially if you're in love
with the person, even if they treat you bad, because
you you know, you me and you are loving somebody
who's not loving you back. So I know how difficult
it is to walk away. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 4 (04:21):
So I got a question about like the little example
that you get like with the girl who like the
dude cheated or whatever, but she took him back or
she kept him whatever, Like okay, so did she throw
it in his face all the time after she took him.
Speaker 5 (04:36):
Back, because that's that's a big deal.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
I don't know. Here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Here's the thing though, when you're talking about that, if
you cheat on somebody, if you leave somebody and want
to come back, if you hit on somebody, if you
lie to somebody, you can't get upset during that process
that that person want to talk about it or they
or they're bringing it up. They're trying to work through it. See,
the people who inflict the pain seem to want to
dictate how long it should take somebody. And then irritates
(05:02):
the hell out of me because when somebody hurts you
to your court, because you ain't on the receiving end,
so you don't know what that pain is like until
somebody do it to you.
Speaker 4 (05:12):
But I'm saying, just let me go all the way in.
Don't don't keep me and keep torturing me about it.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
No, no, no, no, no no no.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
That's here's the thing. Okay, See this, this is gonna
be good. Because y'all dudes, y'all gonna have to learn.
Y'all gotta learn when you hurt a woman, when you
word you can't listen, you can't hit me, and then
be hollering because I'm talking to you about you hitting
me and how you hurt me. But I'm telling you,
I love you, and I'm gonna work through the process
(05:39):
and stick with you. Because see, if that was the case,
then we should be leaving every time something happened. And
if people did that, then nobody would be in a relationship.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Also like, also though, if if something happens in a
relationship and I forgive you, although I forgive you, that
does not mean I have fully processed my thoughts and
my feelings. I forgave you because I love you enough
to say, Okay, granted you made a mistake. Okay it
(06:11):
was a mistake. That does not mean that I have
fully like worked through my thoughts and my feelings. Like
that would be like if I punched you in the
gut and be like, all right, stop crying, but it
really hurt, like it really hurts, and then you trying
to tell me and I'm told no, stop crying. That's
like your parents used to give you a whooping and
be like, now wipe your face, and you're trying everything
(06:34):
in the world not to be and you like you
really trying not to be doing all of that because
they told you stop crying. You made a mistake. You
got a whooping and it hurts, and you still gotta
process them tears, although like you like your mama didn
(06:58):
forgave you, but you still got to oursels to hurt
your damn.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Selfing today, hold on because we're skipping the head. So
compatibility versus equally yoke, So let's talk about compatibility. Tell
me what does compatibility and equally yoke mean to both
of you?
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Go ahead, troue.
Speaker 4 (07:21):
I mean, I don't know, like like I don't even
I don't even associate with equally yoked or whatever. Like
it's compatibility for me all day long, you know what
I'm saying. That's that's how I rock. If we compatible
and we like the same stuff, and you know what
I'm saying, we feel the same way about something that
we do see everything like on the same level. Like
(07:41):
that that's what I rock with. I don't I don't
even like register equally yoke.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
That's just me though, okay TI.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
So for me, the difference is so me okay, So
I could be compatible with a lot of people, like
I could be compatible like personality wise, how we maneuver
with each other, how we communicate, all that kind of stuff.
(08:15):
I think when you are equally yoked, that means that
you are on not only like not only are you compatible,
but then you are also able to extend that compatibility
to a deeper level or deeper understanding of where you
(08:36):
are with that person, if that makes sense.
Speaker 5 (08:40):
Like you all have.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
The same goals, you know, not the same goals, but
you all have the same mindset when it comes to
reaching your goals or obtaining your goals. You guys can
communicate effectively efficiently, you know, those kind of things. So,
like I think equally yolked is not just something like
surface level, like we're both humorists. I think that's surface level,
(09:04):
you know. But when I think about being equally yoke,
I think that means like on a deeper level with
that person that you're actually interested in or with or whatever.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Okay, And I think that equally yoak includes go ahead,
troph I'm.
Speaker 4 (09:20):
Just saying, like, that's that's compatibility to me. Like, I
don't equally yoke don't even exist to me, to be honest.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
So being equally yoked and being compatible are two different things.
So for me, being compatible, I mean, shoot, we can
like the same things. We can have music and stuff
in common. You know what I'm saying. We can uh,
you know, like the same sports. We can you know, uh,
sex drives or whatever may match. We may like some
(09:48):
of the same stuff, you know, like you know, movies
or whatever that's compatible. Being equally yoked is something totally different.
I mean, there are things that at our surface level,
and then there are things that are emotional and things
that are on a mental level and a spiritual level.
So if I'm only connecting with you on a physical
(10:10):
and let's say mental level, that's only being compatible in
a sense to a certain extent, being equally yoke, I
need to be able to make sure that I'm compatible
with you on all levels and that our beliefs and
values are in aligned with one another, because we can
like the same stuff and be compatible and stuff. But
if our beliefs and values are not the same, like
for me, for instance, just for an example, like I
(10:33):
have to have if I was to consider like let's
say marrying somebody, for instance, I would have to have
somebody that covers me consistently. I want somebody that it
has the ability to pray for me and with me
and not pray not just pray about me. Does that
make sense? So like when if I'm not at my best,
(10:55):
I need you instead of jumping down my throat, to
be able to go to God and cover me because
apparently there's something that I need to work on. But
if you can't do that, that's something that I need
just because of the things that I've been through in life.
Like my life is centered around God, you know what
I'm saying. So there are things like being able to lead, lead,
leading that manner, not just being able to lead a household,
(11:15):
but being able to lead spiritually, being able to lead
you know what I'm saying. You know mentally, most of
those are things that are that are needed. So when
you talk about being equally yop, that's something else. And
I mean, let's look at how people. You got a
lot of people women mostly that are in church, let's say,
or going to the synagogues or whatever your belief is.
(11:36):
You know what I'm saying, more than men, right, families.
You rarely see families going worshiping together together.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
A family that prays together stays together. Like me and
my kids, we go to church in this house, we
serve God period. Forget whatever everybody else is doing, that
don't matter because at the end of the day, God
come first. So that's to me, that's the difference between
being compacted and be equally.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
Up and that that makes a big difference too. Like
you just said, if if if I'm going through some
things in my life, I need you to be able
to to to pray for me or help me through this,
walk me through this, understand the ways that I understand,
the ways that I deal with the things that I
(12:23):
deal with, you know what I'm saying. But in being
able to do that, there has to be some previous
communication or conversations that have been had and there has
to be a level of vulnerability with that person that
you're with in order for them to be able to
understand how to get you through those times. So that's
(12:44):
another part of it as well.
Speaker 6 (12:46):
Right, So, so so you disagreement that's what you're saying
right now, or or what you say that I say
I think you have done that wrong with whatever.
Speaker 4 (12:59):
I I just gotta immediately pray for you because you're
going through something.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Now.
Speaker 5 (13:03):
I can't give you my opinion on how you're handling
the situation.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
No, no, But what I'm saying is.
Speaker 4 (13:10):
Notification, because that's why I say, YO, don't exist to me,
It's compatibility or nothing.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
So and from I say from a believer standpoint, this
is why I talk about compatibility and aqulio because there
are people who just are compatible, you know what I'm saying.
People who may be non believers or may have other beliefs,
you know what I'm saying, believe in a different type
of you know what I'm saying, Uh, religion or whatever
the case may be. So I want to cover both
sides tonight. So as far as somebody like me who
(13:36):
believes in God the word talks about being equally, oh,
you know what I'm saying, and that that is something
totally different. Yeah, you can give your opinion on something.
If I'm going through something or if I'm struggling to
get better in an area or something, you constantly down
my throat about it and not you know, let's say,
recognize an effort, or somebody cheat or like you was
(13:56):
talking about, if you cheat on somebody in and that
person saying is bringing it up or they're trying to talk,
you know, talk about it, and you getting upset, Well,
you can't get upset because you the one stepped out.
And then see the mindset that that guys have. And
I say guys because y'all the only ones that respond
this way, and you just prove my point when you
(14:17):
got out here. He was talking about it. Y'all want
to inflict her and then try to tell somebody they
taking too long to get over something like that irritates
my entire soul because because you can't, you don't get
to determine how hurt that person is by your actions.
If a woman loves you, if she if she truly
loves you, and she she's in love with you, you
(14:40):
know what I'm saying, and you hurt her, then you
run the risk of, you know what I'm saying, not
only losing her trust, but losing her loyalty and her
respect and that stuff that you can lose in a
blink of an out and it takes time to regain
that back. It's not that she's not willing to re
field that with you or work with you on that.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
But there you.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Have to understand there's still a process in her doing that.
So if you love her and you want her back
with a lot of y'all, do y'all come back to
you know, want to come back to their relationship for
asking to come back, please, you also have to be
willing to understand that it seemed like y'all forget that
you read what you soul there and it's not that
she's intentional on trying to make you suffer.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
But when you hurt somebody, there are consequences. You don't
get to pick it.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
It is what those consequences are and how long they last.
Speaker 4 (15:30):
But it is though like like y'all don't like to
admit it, but y'all really want that person to feel
the same amount of pain that you caused them, you're not.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
But if she loves you, she's even if even though
that somebody was because okay, so let me just be
real for a minute. I I have been hurt to
that point where yes, I do want you to feel
the way the pain that I feel. I would like
to go out and do the exact same thing to
you that you did to me, but because I love you,
that that is, there's something in me that won't allow
(16:05):
me to do that, because my goal is to never
intentionally hurt, regardless of what you've.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Done to me.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Yes, I'm suffering, Yes I'm hurting. Yes I want you
to feel that pain. But my right now, I don't
even have the energy to do that because I'm too
busy trying to hold myself together emotionally, you know what
I'm saying, and mentally and work through this thing. And
it's like, y'all, y'all wanna once she says, okay, I'll
you know, I'll try and forgive you or whatever. That
doesn't mean that things happen overnight. Hell, that's anything in life,
(16:34):
anything in life. If yo, Mama, your daddy, or somebody
hurt your feelings, you may say, yeah, I forgive you.
Yeah you still love them, You're still gonna have a
relationship with them, But that don't mean you over it.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
And I think a lot of times when when we
inflict pain, we we want that person to and because
we said we're sorry, we expect that person to be like, oh, okay,
all right, let's go out here and have a good time.
Together no, like I do forgive you, but I'm hurt,
(17:07):
like I am truly hurt. And that's okay. So this
is a good analogy. You fall down and scrape your knee,
it's bleeding. You didn't peel back the skin to the
white meat. There is a process for that scab or
that need that when you scrape your need to heal. Yep,
(17:28):
that's just like a person. You hurt my feelings, You
made me feel some type of way. Now I'm in
my head about how I feel about myself, how I
feel about you, how I feel about the situation at hand.
Now I'm overthinking about how did this happen, Where did
this come from? How didn't I see it? What can
(17:48):
I do better? What can I do different? Do I
really want to leave? How long do I want to stay?
Am I going to endure this same pain again?
Speaker 4 (18:00):
Don't come your glass back to me then, until you.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
So so you want to be, you're gonna be able
to inflict pain and then tell somebody to leave me
the fuck alone, Leave me alone until leave me alone,
until you get yourself.
Speaker 4 (18:19):
What I'm saying is it could be, it could be
somebody could have made a mistake.
Speaker 5 (18:23):
You know what I'm saying, like, and mistakes do happen.
Let's let's just be real.
Speaker 4 (18:26):
Mistakes do happen, but don't keep on making me relived
this mistake.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
That's not what we're saying. That's not what we're saying.
We're not saying making you feel or to relive that
mistake every day. What we're saying is is that we're
still gonna move forward. But you can't tell me how
long I can take to heal from the hurt you
inflicted on me.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
Right, well, just keep it because you're not going to
keep on making me talk about this every day.
Speaker 5 (18:54):
That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Here's the thing, then, then you shouldn't cause see here's
the thing. No woman that you cheat with it's gonna
ask you to back. It's usually the dude asking her
for another chance. So let's just be clear about that.
Uh So when you asked for your next chance, you
need to pay sure, Wait a minute, Nope, nope, nope.
See here's the thing, because see y'all want to try
that too. Well, you didn't have to say yeah, okay, no,
(19:17):
I didn't have to say yeah, And to me, that's
an ungrateful statement because here's a thing. You know what
you had when you left, or you know and you
know what the hell that you would be miserable without her,
So don't come with that ungrateful attitude. If you went
out there and you hurt this woman and now you
want her back, you don't then get to dictate what
(19:38):
she can and can't do, what she can and can't,
talk about how long she has to go through this
and and when she should be over it. No, it
does not work that way. If I was to hurt uh,
the guy that I'm with, I would not dare tell him, well,
you need to hurry up and get over this, or no,
I don't want to hear about that. No, where I
already told you what I did. I said I was sorry,
(19:59):
and you need to move on now now hecky, now
that to me, that is so insensitive. If that's the case,
you don't ask her, don't ask to come back.
Speaker 5 (20:11):
Right.
Speaker 4 (20:11):
So basically, the you you taking me back part is
the the you getting me back me taught you torture
to me every day talking about this this this, the
this is my this is the equivalent to what I
did to you. I got to deal with this ship
every fucking day until you get.
Speaker 3 (20:25):
Over No, Okay, so listen, okaya, who hurts you? For real?
Speaker 2 (20:33):
That's what I'm trying to say. I'm like, who hurts you?
Speaker 3 (20:40):
Who hurts you? You can tell us, you can tell
us you want to beat her up for you, right
because since this gay brother man, let's be the tros.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Look at it from this point. Okay, look at it
from this perspective. When a woman takes you back, it's
not to torture you. But understand that when she takes
you back, she's taking you back still in a vulnerable
state and in a hurt state. In the back of
her mind, she's wondering, when is the next time he's
(21:14):
gonna step out and go sleep with somebody else, When
is the next time he just gonna up and leave me?
When is the next time he gonna raise his hand
to me? You know what I'm saying. But she loves him,
so she continues to give him chance after chance, because
in a relationship you have to learn how to forgive.
You have to leave room for disappointment because you are
two imperfect people trying to build something that is perfect
(21:36):
for the two of you. So he has to leave
room for disappointment. She has to leave room for disappointment.
But both of y'all have to understand. That's why it's
important to understand people's love language. Yes, you love them
in the way that you know that you know that
you love, but you also have to learn how to
love them in the way that they need and receive it.
(21:58):
I'm a giver and that's the way I love people.
But this person, the guy that I'm with, is a
word of affirmation. I have to be a giver, but
I also have to make sure that I'm giving words
of affirmation. You have to be able to do both,
and you have to be consistent. See, y'all get a
girl and you'll you'll say you love her, y'all get complacent,
you stop doing everything you did to get her, and
(22:20):
then you want to then put all the blame on
her about why this ain't working out, why they ain't
working out, and then don't want look at yourself, And
then y'all want to justify why you did what you did, why.
Speaker 3 (22:30):
You cheated because you wasn't doing what you were doing,
and you weren't doing what you was doing before exactly.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Don't get me wrong, because women get complacent too.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
You know what I'm saying, they let themselves go, they
don't they stop doing so it's it's both sides. But
when it comes to this, this, when it comes to this,
what you're talking about, it seemed like men are the
only one who do that. Y'all want to y'all want
people to get over y'n't want to hear it. Well,
if you didn't want to hear it, then you should
had no business going out there and doing what you
was doing.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Made a different mistake.
Speaker 5 (23:00):
Just say no if you're not ready yet.
Speaker 3 (23:02):
And this is the thing though, this is the thing though,
I don't even think. I don't think Lady J is
saying and I know that I'm not saying that every
time I'm hurt, I'm gonna bring it up and throw
it in your face, or every time we have an argument,
I'm gonna throw it in your face. No, that's not
what we're saying. What I'm saying is i'm hurt. You
(23:22):
cannot tell me how soon to heal. You can't tell
me when.
Speaker 5 (23:26):
To be over it.
Speaker 3 (23:27):
I'm gonna move forward and we're gonna keep progressing in
this relationship. But if I feel like I got some
questions or I need to ask you, or I need
to talk to you, or we sit here and have
a conversation about what happened, and you deny me that.
That is you blatantly telling me na fuck all that
(23:48):
I'm not finna keep talking about this. Well, you don't
have that. You don't have that option, really, because right
if you want to be men, you really don't have
that option. Because what it is at this point is
now me trying to uh not pick at I ain't
(24:09):
trying to pick.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
At the fucking scab.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
But at the same time, it's some things I need
to understand so I can move past this. Right, So,
ain't nobody saying like every time we have a conversation
or every time you do something or you was probably
doing this with that half. We ain't saying that. We're
not saying that part.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Hold on, let me read some of these comments. Cat says,
I agree with Tros. Once you forgive infidelity, don't continue
to use that against them and constantly throw it in
their face. To having conversations about the situation is different,
But being super negative and using it as a weapon
is not okay. That part and that part and in
that manner is okay, leo, but not using it as
a weapon. So I what I'm saying, Nah, This is
(24:49):
where the equally yolk part comes in at because see,
you can be compatible, but when you're going through something
like that or heart a very difficult situation.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
Like that, y'all have to learn how to at that
point your your your love.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
You know, you know the cliche that a love not
tested can't be trusted. All right, So your trosh is saying, well,
don't don't say yeah if you not ready.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
So here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
But here's the thing with that, And again this goes
back to my point that if every time you do
something wrong or every time you make a mistake, I'm
leaving or I'm out of here. Then I'm not a
loyal person. You can't count on me.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
I can't there.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
I'm not somebody you can work with when you when
when times get tough. I'm gonna be that person that
run out all the time. See y'all say, y'all want
a woman that can hold y'all down, that to stick
with y'all through ups and downs. And then when you
try to do that, you complain about that, or you
gonna try to tell her how to do.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
It right by telling you don't keep bringing that up.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
Okay, talking about it is one thing, yes, but what
you said to beat you up is another. So if
I'm not using it to beat you up, but I'm
working through my emotions and that's another thing too. But
why you have to learn how to not just not
just you have to learn how to actually learn your partner.
If you are with a woman who has been hurt
by men before, especially if she's being raped or abused,
(26:06):
or was fatherless or something like that, that kind of
hurt is it's gonna hit different for her. It's gonna
it's gonna take a little time. And I'm gonna just
be honest. My first my first husband, he did all
of the above abuse, you know, INFIDELI all that. It
took me eight years to get over that eight years.
But I was already a broken teenager when I met him,
(26:26):
So that's why it took so long. So now and
being in a relationship, if you when you hurt me
to my core like that, oh, it's gonna take me
a minute. It ain't gonna happen overnight, it you know
what I'm saying, It might take a couple of months.
It may take a year or two, it ain't gonna
take me seven or eight. But you can't be upset
or feel some type of way when I'm dealing with
it the way I'm dealing with because it ain't like
(26:48):
you want to deal with it with me, even though
you're the one that inflicted the pain, you know what
I'm saying. So if I need to talk about it,
let me talk about it. And if I'm working through it,
you can't tell me how to work through it.
Speaker 4 (27:00):
I'm just saying, so, Okay, let let let's just say this.
We having a marvelous fucking day.
Speaker 5 (27:05):
We chilling. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (27:06):
Everything going swell. You know what I'm saying. But you
know the questions be your head and then you ask
me to ruin the whole mood of the day. Who
want to deal with that type of ship? We just was,
We was just vibing. They let that ship alone.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Don't keep don't wan that ship, Tiffany. You want to answer.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
This is.
Speaker 7 (27:34):
It's the level of anger, and it's the anger in
the that like like don't don't may you mean ane
that level of anger in his throat.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Speaking for hold on, hold on, troch. Hold that throat.
Let's let's a minute. Let's take a quick.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Breaks of troch so you can calm down. You need
a water, he needs some milk. Let what what you say?
Speaker 5 (28:04):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (28:05):
I say you need some milk. Yeah, let's hold on.
We're gonna be right back. Now we can stay. We'll
be right back. Let's say quick break.
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Speaker 2 (31:32):
Track Funk by Arulo.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
All right and we're back, Truce. You calm down, you
calm now, we.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
Can get your little card.
Speaker 4 (32:01):
Uh. So I could have had anything, Yeah, and he
would have. He was said the same, So I don't know.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
Martin ain't on here tonight, so he can't.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
I was about to say, that's the difference, Mark, ain't
trust me.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
You would definitely be on your side.
Speaker 3 (32:15):
He would, so he would completely.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Chantelle says that she she agrees with Troe. So here's
my question. To troch if that's how you feel, huh.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
And you know that because see, here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Y'all would wait maybe a day or two, maybe a
week or maybe even a month when y'all know that
the grass wasn't so green on the other side, and
then y'all come and y'all ask for another chance. So you,
being a guy, if a woman wants to hurt you,
because let's be real, if a woman was to hurt
y'all the same way that y'all hurt us, y'all can't
(32:54):
take it.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Y'all can't take it. Ain't no going back.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Ain't no listening to her, ain't none of that for
the true This is a fact fact, Okay.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
So if you're gonna wait a couple of weeks, three weeks,
two weeks.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
And see a couple of days or a month, and
you know that you yourself wouldn't be over it, but
you talk about, well, why don't why say yes?
Speaker 2 (33:15):
If you're not ready, then.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
You know God, and damn well, she ain't she ain't
over Why?
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Why? Why? But see love you, that's why you.
Speaker 5 (33:28):
Do answer the first question.
Speaker 4 (33:31):
So so to answer the first question, I mean, you
can't just answer that off the top of the thromb,
like it's a it's a situation new question.
Speaker 5 (33:41):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (33:41):
You can't just answer that if you're not in a situation,
you know what I'm saying. Then the second part.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Of that, ain't nobody over it that quick? If they
love you, ain't nobody over it that quick. I'ma tell
you that, right, nobody.
Speaker 4 (33:54):
And then my second part, my second answer is I'm
not saying be over it or whatever. I'm not saying
you've got to get over the ship immediately. I'm just
saying I don't want to have to keep talking about it.
So you got to take your ass in the other room.
Speaker 3 (34:07):
And and do you really get to choose that though?
Do you get to choose how often we're gonna have
this conversation when you're the one that messed up exactly.
Speaker 4 (34:20):
To not have to not have to deal with it
every day because you might want to tell nobody every.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Day, Yeah you should. Nobody said it every day.
Speaker 3 (34:27):
You shouldn't have to deal with it every day.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
You shouldn't. Yeah, that's true. That's true.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
Now when it's somebody like that, like I said, most
people that that do it that way, or when that's
their response, maged exactly, they're they're still damaged and they
still have some things that they need to work through.
That's why I said, it's important to learn your partner.
So like some guys can barely remember a birthday or anniversary,
let alone her favorite color, her favorite food, what some
(34:54):
of the things that she that she eats on her sandwich,
what things some of y'all y'all don't even pay attention
like that. Now, let me say some guys do, because
I know some guys who do, and we love that.
We love men who pay attention. And when you don't
pay attention, we notice when you're inconsistent.
Speaker 4 (35:10):
We notice definitely one of them do this shit. But
like time, that's one thing I cannot like when you
ask your time or when this happened? To win that y'all,
fuck you got me?
Speaker 1 (35:22):
I'm okay. Hold on, Linda, Linda, doctor J. She says,
they cannot take it. Cat says, I know some guys
that would have that would and have taken the woman
back after the woman cheated. Uh, And she disagrees with me.
Sometimes you can get over it quickly. Everybody's process of
time is different, and it is the love that allows
someone to go over quickly. Now I'll say you can
(35:43):
get over it quickly if you don't love that person.
I mean because when I found out like my second
husband was cheating, I was already emotionally detached, so I
didn't even care, Like I didn't even know why I was.
I had been over it because I mean it Just
like I said, if you're if your love.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
That person, it's not gonna hurt. You know what I'm saying.
I mean, I mean, it's gonna hurt.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
But if you don't, then you know what I'm saying,
it ain't really gonna phasee you. But what I'm saying
is this is where, because see it's times like this
that love ain't gonna be enough. You know what I'm saying,
Just loving you ain't enough because it don't cover uh,
it doesn't. It can't fix the hurt, It can't fix
what happened. This is where that prayer comes in, that.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
Will to your willingness to uh to.
Speaker 1 (36:27):
Support and work at it and be a you know
I'm saying, be a teammate and then still remain loyal
even in the midst of your pain of people everybody
can't do that and and if you if that ain't
what you want, see, you can't just apply that or
only want.
Speaker 2 (36:43):
It to good to to the good stuff.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
When the bad stuff happens and the disappointments and the
short falls happen, then.
Speaker 2 (36:52):
You need that for that too. Otherwise you don't have nothing.
Speaker 3 (36:56):
And this is the other thing I think along with
knowing your partner, understanding their ways and how they are,
you got to know their past situations and what they've
already previously dealt with. I know a lot of times
people say, oh, well, I want to know about your past,
but you do because that's what That's what makes me
(37:17):
who I am today. Whether it's good, bad, or and different,
that's what makes me who I am today. So by
a person saying your past don't matter, it really does.
My past really really makes a big difference in how
I am in this relationship, how I am able to
love you in this relationship, how I'm able to receive love,
(37:40):
how I'm able to get over things, how I'm able
to communicate with you. And sometimes that's not the easiest
thing to do. When a person has not been loved properly,
when a person has not been communicated with and they
don't know how to communicate. So it's a lot of
different factors that play a role into that soul. Like
Lady J said, that's where you need to know your partner.
(38:03):
You need to know your person because if you know
that your person has been severely damaged and abused and
hurt prior to you all being together, yeah, they're gonna
have to go through that every day with you because
in their head something you triggered something that they probably
didn't know that they still had brewin underneath. You trigger
(38:28):
something in that person, You trigger something and their feelings
and their thoughts that they probably was trying to very.
Speaker 5 (38:34):
Deep down and keep it moving.
Speaker 3 (38:36):
But now the same situation is coming to back. Now,
the same situation that is happening again. And no, it
is not your responsibility to heal. It's not your responsibility
to heal their past. But you are here now, so
help me through that situation on top of this situation
(38:58):
with you, and we can keep it moving forward because
and this is the other thing, a lot of us
in relationships want to come to the table and people
to accept us as we are, no questions asked. The fuck, No,
(39:19):
I'm gonna come to the table, I'm gonna ask some questions,
and as we are dealing with the ship that we're
dealing with, we're gonna figure this out. It ain't no
cutting dry shit, but we gotta figure out how we're
gonna deal with each other, how we're gonna process through
all of this, and then how we're gonna move forward.
Other than that, if we can't figure those things out,
we need to keep it.
Speaker 1 (39:38):
Moving right right and trosh, I think that in Tiffany
to just the piggyback off for what you said, I'm
gonna say everything that you said was me to the
tea in my mind, and I'm pretty sure in a
lot of people's mind if I've been so you know,
I just shared a little bit. But if I had
somebody hit me before, you know what I'm saying, or
(39:59):
if I have somebody cheat on me before, if I
had somebody leave me before, like every man that's been
in my life, they've they've left or you know what
I'm saying, other people or I left them, but most
of them have just left. And when I say left,
even if you know my husbands or whatever, but they
didn't just leave me. They left our kids, you know,
what I'm saying, all of that, it wasn't being a
daddy's I'm used to that, and that's sad.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
But I expected, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (40:25):
I don't ever expect somebody to stay because everybody, every guy.
Speaker 2 (40:29):
So when you do that, yes, it hurts.
Speaker 1 (40:32):
Yes, I'm constantly it seems like it's stupid to keep
putting yourself out there just to get hurt again, because
you know what the end result is going. But it
don't matter what caliber of god it is. It don't matter,
you know what I'm saying. If they're a bad guy,
if it's a good guy, it's always the same end result,
you know what I'm saying. And even in those situations
(40:54):
where they'll admit, you know, she didn't do anything, it
was all me, you know what I'm saying. She didn't
deserve that. And while that person is flawed, so am
I and I think that's why it's important for us
to be honest upfront, like you said, and have the
conversations about your past. So for me, I come into
the relationship telling you, hey, this is what happened to me,
(41:17):
this is uh, this is how I am. These are
my immediate triggers that way, you have the option to
either continue to pursue me or walk away. If you
continue to pursue me, that's your choice, because best believe
I didn't step to you and I wasn't pursuing you.
So if I, IF I, if I, if I show
(41:42):
you that and then you turn around and do.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
To me the same thing.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
That the previous people before you did to me, that's
worse because you you knew that this happened to me,
and then you turned around you did the exact same thing.
Speaker 5 (42:02):
You see, that's a catch twenty two.
Speaker 4 (42:04):
That's a catch twenty two because then okay, say say,
oh I told him all this that happened and gave
him an option. What if twenty five dude said, nah,
I ain't willing to deal with that bullshit.
Speaker 5 (42:15):
But you got other motherfuckers like, well he don't know
what he got you and all that type of that shit.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Yo, you deal with that and to you, yeah, and
you stay a solo to you ready, like come on man,
like that that's come on, bro, let's be real.
Speaker 1 (42:30):
He actually says to me, that's where that third chord
who is God comes from? Because as a human, you
can only do so much and go through spiritual guidance,
you tap into another realm of love that opens doors
to healing on both ends. Absolutely absolutely. But here's the thing, Troche.
Everybody comes into a relationship with baggage. Everybody if a
dude ain't used to a woman supporting him and what
(42:52):
it is that he wants to do in life or
in who he is, if he ain't used to a
woman taking him out or you know what I'm saying,
by him nice things or something like that. When you notice,
when you first start getting something, you take it for granted,
or because in your mind you're like, ah, this is
too good to be true, or you start comparing that
person to the X person that or that other person
(43:14):
that mess you up so bad you don't even realize
how you're treating the new.
Speaker 2 (43:17):
Person that you're with.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
And then when that person tries to show you or
tell you, you're like, nah, you tripping that, ain't that?
Speaker 2 (43:27):
Ain't me, I'm not doing that, Okay, okay.
Speaker 1 (43:29):
So then so then the person backs up, you know
what I'm saying. The person backs up or they stop
you know, thee things start the doing, or they stop
doing the stuff that they.
Speaker 5 (43:38):
Used to do.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
Because you don't want to admit or see you know
what I'm saying, what it is they're saying. And that's
on both sides. But that's why when you come into
the relationship, you need to explose, I mean, disclose your
past and be honest about what your triggers are and
what you expect, but also don't manage that information because
(44:00):
when you do that, especially as a guy. And this
woman has set up here and exposed herself to you
and told her and told you the things that she's
gone through, some of the mistakes she made, what happened
to her, and then you turn around and do the
same thing, whether it was intentional or not, it's gonna
hurt worse because she had already went through the healing
(44:22):
process to get over it. Then she put herself out
there to be vulnerable again, and then you turn around
and hurt her the same way all over again. And
then y'all want to say, well, I'm not a bad guy,
I'm that guy. No, you're not that guy in your mind. No,
you might not be a bad guy. But guess what,
it's worse because you just did the exact same thing
that I just told you. This person did.
Speaker 5 (44:44):
But at the end of the day, your ass wasn't ready.
So why you do it?
Speaker 3 (44:49):
No, because you because you could have healed for me.
Speaker 1 (44:54):
Yeah, if you heal okay, for instance, you would have
been healed from my passes, from my past situation. If
I turn into a relationship with Mark for instance, I
mean we in a relationship. So I mean, let's say that, Okay,
I was cheating. If Mark cheats on me, he knew,
he knows what my history is about that. Had I
(45:16):
had been by myself for years, I've been here from that,
but I've we four years in. If we four years
in and I'm you know what I'm saying, supporting you.
A lot of people know some of our story. Hell,
I got you all the way to the ground, Ben
sent from day one. I didn't have your back. If
you turn around and you walk out of here and
you cheat on me because you think you know what
I'm saying, I ain't listening or whatever. You know what
(45:38):
I'm saying, whatever you want to justify with you know
what I'm saying, that's gonna hurt worse because it ain't
that I wasn't here. You turned around and you did
the same thing to me that this man and this
man and this man and this man did. I expect
you to make mistakes. I expect you to disappoint me,
but there are some things that I expect you never
(45:58):
to do.
Speaker 4 (46:00):
But I'm not talking about like it's specific like cheating.
Speaker 5 (46:03):
I'm not saying that.
Speaker 4 (46:04):
I'm just saying like, like any any other little things,
it's triggers though. You know what I'm saying, like any
other thing can trigger you, and that's not fair, you
know what I'm saying, Like you wasn't ready if something
small like oh you ain't close, and that's a trigger, bro.
Speaker 5 (46:17):
You know what I'm saying, like, like you can't just
would out just because you see I think.
Speaker 4 (46:22):
The last person did, like one of the things the
last person did, that's that's a trigger.
Speaker 5 (46:27):
You know what, You're not ready?
Speaker 3 (46:29):
So I think I think so on on the lines
of what Lady Jay is talking about compared to what
you're talking about, we're talking about two totally different extremes.
Speaker 5 (46:40):
About cheating.
Speaker 2 (46:41):
No no, no, no uh.
Speaker 3 (46:44):
I'm saying like you're talking about something small as far
as like a cabinet not being closed, Like yeah, it
might be irritating, but right, and that's what I'm saying,
I'm taking your example compared to Lady Jay's example. Those
that's two totally different ends of the spectrum. Like the
cabinet might be not being closed as an irritant, not
(47:05):
a trigger, that's just irritating, like bruh, close this damn cabinet.
That's like, you know it's an irritant, But you going
out here and cheating on me or whatever, like something
that this other man did to the extreme that I
already let you know that I've dealt with it before
(47:26):
it hurt. I'll let you know my level of hurt.
I'll let you know my level of pain with that.
I've dealt with it, I've healed from it. And that's
how we're here now. That's how we're here in this
relationship now. But then for you to turn around and
do whatever it is that I.
Speaker 5 (47:41):
Told you that these other people.
Speaker 3 (47:43):
Did, and you did it knowing in your mind you
know that this is what happened to me, and then
you turn around and do it to me, then that's
even more hurtful because you knew. That's like me, that's
like me talking to you trosh and you tell me
(48:05):
something that happened in one of your previous friendships. It
don't even happen necessarily be in relationship. Something happened in
one of your previous friendships, and then me being your friend,
we turn around and we get into it about that
exact same thing. That shit is going to hurt even
though like you over there with that last person, but
at this point in time, like damn, tip, I ain't
(48:26):
even think you would do me like that, you know,
I ain't even think you would treat me like that.
Like I already told you how that happened with my
homie Yah Blah dah black in the day, and then
you turn around to do that to me. So we
don't necessarily just apply to relationships, I mean like intimate relationships.
It applies to relationships across the board exactly because I
(48:47):
know what you went through. But then for me to
turn around to put you through that same thing like that,
don't make that. Don't that don't feel good to.
Speaker 1 (48:54):
Nobody exactly, says he's talking about triggers that pops the
insecurity bubble, and Letty Jay is talking about being healed
and injured again. That's listen, that's like if you, for instance,
let's say.
Speaker 2 (49:09):
Get shot in your leg. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (49:12):
It ain't gonna be one hundred percent, but you heal
up to about let's say ninety percent. If somebody turn
around and shoot you in that same leg again, in
the same spot, you know it's gonna be damaged even
worse the second time. Right, It's like you heal up
and then and then it happens again. It could be
somebody ignoring you, It can be somebody not spending time
with you.
Speaker 2 (49:31):
It can be any of those things, any of those things.
Speaker 1 (49:35):
So this is what this is why I want to
talk about compatitive, being compatible versus being equally yoked.
Speaker 2 (49:41):
For some people it's the same thing.
Speaker 1 (49:43):
For some people, it's different for me personally, and I
know for Tiffany it's two different things. So when you
get into these situations in relationships, because we don't like
to talk about everybody want to post their pictures of
date night with Bay and vacation all talking and stuff.
But see, we don't want to be honest and real
talk about the issues in relationships. Like I hate when
people say, don't take advice from people who's marry people,
(50:07):
don't take advice from people who divorced or people who's
you know what I'm saying, every.
Speaker 2 (50:10):
First of all, take advice from because I.
Speaker 3 (50:14):
Can tell you my whole damn life.
Speaker 1 (50:19):
They can tell you what not to do because they've
already been through it and made the mistake. It's the
same thing.
Speaker 2 (50:24):
It's teaching your kids what things not to do because
you used to do it. You know what I'm saying
to me, that's stupid.
Speaker 1 (50:30):
So when you are yes, you have to discern though
who who's being wise and the device that you're being given.
But in relationships, let's be honest.
Speaker 2 (50:42):
People hurt people, period.
Speaker 1 (50:45):
It don't matter whether it's physically, whether it's emotionally, whether
it's mentally. In relationships, everybody comes into the relationship flawed.
I don't care how much you want to try to
be right all the time when you're arguing, how much time,
how much you want to try to you know what
I'm saying, how much you want to try to excuse
yourself from blame. In every situation. You're flawed, so is
(51:08):
the other person. You have baggage, so does the other person.
One person is usually more open and honest about being
flawed than the other person because of the level of
vulnerability in the relationship between the two people. But when
that happens, we may be compatible, meaning that, like I said,
(51:30):
we may have the same interest, we may like each other,
we may compliment each other when we when people see
us out, we may look good as a unit less
Kevin Hart should say, you know I'm saying, we ain't
look at it as a unit. But when it comes
to those to those situations being on the same level spiritually,
because for me, ain't no real relationship without God at
(51:50):
the center. Ain't no real relationship if I got to
if we can't pray together, if I got to beg
you to do that, ain't no real relationship.
Speaker 2 (51:57):
If you can't cover me.
Speaker 1 (51:58):
If I'm struggling, I'm crying, I'm going through something, you
don't know what to do.
Speaker 2 (52:03):
Sometimes, because I know guys.
Speaker 1 (52:04):
Want to fix stuff, you can't fix that, So how
about you go to the one who can. And sometimes
I'm not gonna feel like praying for myself, So that's
when I need you to pray for me. I don't
want you to just be I don't want you to
only pray for me when I'm laid up sick. I
want you to I don't want that to be a
deably thing. I get up every morning and my first
thing that I do is pray. I cover my kids,
(52:24):
I cover marks. Sometimes I'll even lay hands on why
he's sleep. That's that's me. But that's the kind of
stuff that I need on it, and don't be conditional
with it. Those are not when you're equally yo. Those
things aren't based on conditions.
Speaker 2 (52:39):
If you make me mad, then I pray you.
Speaker 1 (52:42):
If you make me mad, then I don't work. I
won't want to work on that with you. If you
make me mad, that ain't No. Those things are are
a must period because even when I'm upset with with God,
or even when things ain't going my way. Matter of fact,
when everything is going okay, I still need to be
talking to God saying thank you. You can't in relationship
with somebody and everything be conditional. If that's the case,
(53:03):
you don't need to be in a relationship with nobody is.
Speaker 3 (53:07):
And I think above all else that that open that
ability to come to that person and say, hey, look,
you know this is, this is what this is how
I feel this doesn't sit right with me, you know,
and I feel like I should be able to tell
(53:29):
you this is how I feel. Sometimes that is hard.
It's hard because you love a person and you don't
want you don't want them to feel like they're out
here just like fucking you over. But at the same time,
you want them to know, like how how certain things
or the way that they maneuver make you feel. So
those conversations are important, not arguing, not bringing up random beings,
(53:53):
because people do that all the time, like bring up
something really random and be like what you know. But
I think it's a matter of being able.
Speaker 5 (54:02):
To have those conversations. As you guys are moving.
Speaker 3 (54:05):
Forward and working on your relationship, you got to be
able to have those conversations. And I say that, but
it is hard for me. It is a very hard
thing to bring things to the table. It's hard for
me to have those type of hard conversations because I
never want to hurt somebody's feelings. I never want somebody
(54:28):
to feel like I'm attacking them or anything like that. Like,
my goal is to just let you know how I
truly feel. It's not saying that you are doing anything.
It could be me not reading the situation correctly. So
that's why we needed to have this conversation. So that
I can gain some clarity and some understanding. So it's
(54:51):
hard for me to have those conversations because I know
one of my biggest things was, you know, back in
the day when you was a kid, it's like, you know,
you're a king, you don't have an opinion, And so
as I got older, it was kind of like, hm,
you know, So as an adult, that's something that I'm
(55:12):
still working on or trying to figure out. I can
have conversations and I can talk to people about how
I feel, but when it's when it's in on a
level of intimacy with a person or in an intimate relationship,
it's a little harder for me to have those kind
of conversations because I never want my partner to feel
like I'm attacking.
Speaker 1 (55:31):
Right, we're gonna, uh, we're gonna continue this conversation because
we're gonna ready end on jq el and Radio. So
for those of you who are listening live on jq
ELM Radio, you can hop on over to uh Facebook,
either Lady J page, jq ELM Radio page, pillow Talk page,
the Mark B page, or my personal page. As we
continue this conversation, you know, pillow Talk, we always go.
Speaker 5 (55:53):
Right, we always go over.
Speaker 2 (55:55):
I didn't even get to.
Speaker 1 (55:55):
Do a relationship Shenan again, so we might do that. Also,
stick and stay. Those of you who are here live.
We ain't gonna go nowhere. I'll be right back, all right,
We're gonna close out the show here on j q
OL on Radio. Thank y'all for tuning in to Pillow
(56:17):
Talker Show, to No Grow and Show and love and Relationships,
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