Expectations

Lady J and co-host, Keith Omar discuss the different expectations people have in relationships and how realistic or nonrealistic they are. 

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
The inspiration for the songs because of you, the inspiration
for the songs because of you. The for the songs
because of you.

Speaker 2 (00:12):
You.

Speaker 3 (00:14):
It's fun you.

Speaker 4 (00:34):
All right.

Speaker 5 (00:35):
Welcome everybody to Relationship Ology right here on jq ELAM Radio,
division of Ego Entertainment Network.

Speaker 4 (00:42):
And y'all know what it is.

Speaker 5 (00:43):
Before we get into the show, you got to get
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(01:03):
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We do follow back.

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(01:42):
my website at LADYJ dot Co. You can find out
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JQ Underscore one that's jaqu Underscore and the Number one,
and on LinkedIn at Lady Jay Keith Omar. You want

(02:03):
to tell everybody how they can connect with you.

Speaker 6 (02:10):
Yeah, you can find me on Facebook at Keith Omar Jackson.
You can find me on i G at King Keith o'mar.
Those are the two platforms I use more than anything else.
I'm to start getting on TikTok here like another week
or so, so I have a TikTok game for you.

Speaker 2 (02:26):
Sometime next month.

Speaker 4 (02:27):
Good luck with that.

Speaker 5 (02:32):
So tonight, So the first show last week, y'all, we
we had a guest and man, I think we talked
for like almost two hours.

Speaker 4 (02:42):
Classic. It was a really good show. It really was.

Speaker 5 (02:46):
We basically encompassed everything we're gonna be talking about here
on relationship ology everything relationship from business to parenting to romance,
the whole nine. So tonight we're gonna be talking about expectations.
This was Key's topics. I'm gonna lety him go ahead
and take the lead.

Speaker 4 (03:04):
On this one.

Speaker 5 (03:06):
Uh, we will do our segment tonight the Oh my god,
wait what because I definitely got one for you tonight. Okay,
So so Keith go ahead and take it away. Tell
us a little bit about what we're gonna be talking
about tonight, and let's get the listeners involved.

Speaker 2 (03:25):
All right. So we' we're talking about is expectations relationships. Uh,
those expectations don't have to just be exclusively with relationship
with your lady or your man. Those could be also
dealt with business wise, expectations dealt with with friendships. I
think friendships are those are the ones that are.

Speaker 6 (03:43):
To me, are really unique because your expectation with your friendships, in.

Speaker 2 (03:49):
My opinion, can vary. That's that's that's just what we're
gonna be kind of touching all today.

Speaker 5 (03:57):
Okay, So it's first expectations you were talking about earlier
when we were discussing what the topic was going to
be Uh, you were talking about how people handle, you know,
the expectations that they have. I guess based off of
what they give in the relationship, good or bad. So yeah,

(04:19):
when it comes.

Speaker 2 (04:19):
To my theory is always my theory is always been
can you can you withstand whatever? Can you withstand whatever
it is that you put out as the other person
put that out to you. See, that's that's I think
that's an expectation. Like you know, a lot of people don't.

Speaker 6 (04:38):
A lot of people don't think a lot of people
can handle that because I don't think people listen to
themselves when they speak to you.

Speaker 4 (04:47):
No, I think that.

Speaker 5 (04:49):
I think where it is tricky is when you have
expectations for an individual. Once like when everything is going good,
it's you know, expectationtions are pretty cool. You putting in,
you're getting out, You're putting in, you're getting out, you taking,
you giving, you taking your given.

Speaker 4 (05:06):
I think when it comes to.

Speaker 5 (05:10):
And this can be as far as any type of relationship,
but I think when it comes to where someone has
offended you, or someone has hurt you, where someone has
disappointed you, I think that's where the expectation waters get
a little murky because people say that, yeah, I would
forgive that, or yes, I would give a second chance

(05:33):
after that, or yeah, I would, you know, have the
conversation to go ahead and fix this, or yes, I
would go ahead and agree to try to work this
out or counseling, mediation, whatever the case may be. Until
they say that, But in reality, a lot of people
know good and well they would not do or be

(05:58):
able to even think about doing the same thing the
other person did in expecting. You expect grace, for instance,
but you don't give grace, not at the same level.
I'm telling you, I have experienced that over and over
and over again. There are some things that I have
forgiven people for that I have worked through and had

(06:19):
to do it on my own, because unfortunately, when people
hurt you, or they offend you, or they disrespect you,
or whatever the case may be, then they want to
back up and take their hands off and say, Okay,
now it's your responsibility to deal with it instead of
in a relationship, you should be working through it together
in whatever capacity that means.

Speaker 4 (06:40):
And a lot of people don't do that.

Speaker 5 (06:42):
And so I think people are okay with hearing the praise,
but they're not okay when it comes to those expectations
and you're letting them know what it is that you
expect from them, and they're not willing to meet that
expect but knowing good and well, they wouldn't.

Speaker 4 (07:03):
Listen.

Speaker 5 (07:04):
I'm gonna just leave it right there, because I have
yet to meet anybody that will forgive some of the
things that I've forgiven, that would stay after some of
the things I have stayed after that. Would you know
what I'm saying, Yeah, I'm just gonna leave it there,
And I'm talking about all I think.

Speaker 2 (07:23):
Yeah, I think what happens is everyone has this without
well I.

Speaker 6 (07:32):
Can't say all people, but I think a lot of
times without trying to people just see their narrative, m
like because because they're living in that, you know what
I mean, Like they have that. Well, this is where
I'm stand, and I can feel and I can understand,
and I could see why I have this initial reaction

(07:55):
versus taking themselves away from the equation of saying, Okay,
I were that other person, how do I see it?
How do I feel about it? How do I like
I try to internalize that sometimes I can't. And I'm
honest with that, Like, you know, I can't. I don't
understand that. I don't get it, you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (08:15):
But like I don't think I've ever tried to be
like I don't get it, but I try to. I
try to be like, yeah, I got it, I understand it. No,
because this just makes it even worse because.

Speaker 6 (08:27):
Now you're digging a hole, you know what I'm saying,
You're digging this whole.

Speaker 2 (08:31):
Saying you understand and you don't have a clue.

Speaker 6 (08:36):
And now this and now this person expects you to
be on point with them.

Speaker 4 (08:41):
They expect you.

Speaker 2 (08:42):
Know, and you don't have a clue.

Speaker 5 (08:44):
You're right, You're right when it comes to I think
when it comes to that, because like I said, it's
easy to expect things when you're when you're in a
good place, good you know, giving and taking. But I
agree there are double certain double standards across the board
that we know are just there. So for instance, with friends,
if you cross the line and date your best friends X,

(09:07):
if you will, that's the line you crossed. You know
that you don't cross that line. That's just like Dayton family,
you know what I mean, you just don't do that
in in in family, and when it comes to family,
you know, uh dating a family members X or uh
in in business you know, expecting you talked.

Speaker 2 (09:27):
About hold on, hold on before before you talk about
the business portion of it.

Speaker 6 (09:32):
Going back to you know, dating someone X, I think
it's more. I think it's different when it comes for
men versus women. I think we because like I think
about a lot of the guys that I know and
you know and my crew you know, and I think
about it like we have an understanding of and I

(09:52):
think we set this, you know, long before it was
even like a thing, but it was you never messed
with someone that you knew that person.

Speaker 2 (10:00):
Loved or really really dug you know what I mean?

Speaker 6 (10:03):
And uh, of course you never cross the line of
dealing with someone who have children with that individual as well.
That's pretty much the rule for the guys for the
most part. Like dudes don't care, Like I think we're
all at a point where, you know, hey, if we're married,
I don't care who you deal with dealing with that
I used to deal with. I ain't I don't like,

(10:26):
I don't even care as long as, like you said,
as long as it's not a child's parent.

Speaker 2 (10:30):
You know what I mean. I don't like for guys,
we don't care, like, okay, you know what I'm saying, Like,
be happy if that make you happy, now, don't be
happy like I think for the most part for dudes
is that way. Now. Women, on the other hands, like,
I've seen women get up. I've seen women get upset

(10:52):
with other women for dating somebody that they like. They
ain't even never talk to this person. They ain't never
they never said another they don't even face, don't like
them on Facebook now, they don't even like pictures of
the other person on Facebook.

Speaker 6 (11:05):
But they were getting mad at another woman for dealing
with him because they like, like that's crazy.

Speaker 2 (11:13):
But like I said, it's different.

Speaker 4 (11:15):
I think.

Speaker 5 (11:16):
Uh, let's see, Shane says, are y'all talking, are y'all
taking questions? Yes, Shane, we are taking questions. So here's
my thing with me personally. One, I'm never going to
date anyone that my family member has dated.

Speaker 4 (11:32):
That's never gonna happen.

Speaker 5 (11:33):
You run through the family, It's not gonna happen if
I am, if I am close to you, like family,
like we're best friends or we're like play sisters or
sister friends. I'm never gonna date somebody that you dated.
It's just not gonna happen period. Now that is somebody
that you like. You can only have control of that
because if that other person never liked you or didn't

(11:54):
you know, nothing ever came out. I don't think you
should have an issue at that. But I think that's
just one double standard. It's one double standar in our society.
Another double standard is where men can dish out hurt emotionally,
so involving other wmen. Yeah yeah, you can somebody else

(12:16):
or cheat with somebody else. You can even leave your
girl and come back. Let her leave you for an
sleep with somebody else and come back. You ain't gonna
be looking at her the same way if you have
a kid, no somebody and try to come back if
she do the same. There are there are so many
double stands when it comes to me and relationships.

Speaker 4 (12:35):
It blows my freaking mind.

Speaker 6 (12:37):
And they know what in that situation what I agree,
I one pursuit with you, But in that situation I
blame the person who always take the other person back.
My reason why I say that is because I always
say this, as a person that is taking someone back
who's cheated, you have to say to yourself, am I

(13:02):
gonna be ever good with this, and if I'm not,
and then if you say you are, you have to
say to yourself, am I going to enter a relationship
again without building some trust back first? Because I see
all too often people take that person back because they
feel like, oh, well, you know, we've been together for

(13:22):
five years, we have all this history, and we damn
that history is history. You know what I'm saying. You can,
you can, you can make history with somebody else. That's
just how I feel.

Speaker 2 (13:33):
Damn all that.

Speaker 6 (13:34):
Like my biggest thing is portrayal is just like that's
like one of the biggest things I could think of, Like,
portrayal is just something.

Speaker 2 (13:41):
That I can't like.

Speaker 6 (13:42):
It ain't no coming back from. We could now, you know,
I could forgive you, and you know we could probably
one day be cool on a level at some point
in time. But the whole I gotta take you back
and this and I don't know.

Speaker 5 (14:00):
I gotta I gotta come back for that. Shane, I
see your question. He says, you don't choose who the
heart loves. Do you deny yourself to satisfy someone else's
needs or ego? Again, Like for me personally, I would
say like for me personally, I can't seek for nobody else.
But there are just certain boundaries you don't cross, Like
I will not date or talk to someone who is married.

(14:24):
In business, I will not, you know, come into a
job just to try to take somebody else's job, or
I won't step on other people to try to get ahead.

Speaker 4 (14:31):
You know what I'm saying. There are just certain boundaries
ou don't cross.

Speaker 5 (14:34):
When it comes to relationships, you know, in the workplace
and business and family. If we're real cool and if
me and the person, if me and someone is really
really close in friends or best friends and they dated
someone was married to somebody, I'm not even getting ready
to entertain any type of relationship outside of some court.
That's just me personally. There are just some things I

(14:55):
think that are boundaries of respect and morals.

Speaker 4 (14:59):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 5 (15:00):
It just is And you know what, I call it loyalty.

Speaker 4 (15:04):
That's what I call it.

Speaker 6 (15:06):
I just call it loyalty. My whole thing is I'm
too loyal to that person to entertain the idea of
making them feel some type of way, you know what
I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (15:16):
Like, I'm just not I'm not there.

Speaker 6 (15:18):
I'm like and and I also do believe you do
pick who it is that you love because.

Speaker 4 (15:25):
You know you can't even get to that point.

Speaker 6 (15:29):
So that's my that's my point. Now, it'd be different
now to me, To me, I feel like you're on that.
It would be different if you know, I started dating
this individual and then all of a sudden, you know,
after two or three months seeing I find out that
that person used to date so and so.

Speaker 2 (15:50):
That's different, you.

Speaker 6 (15:51):
Know what I'm saying to me, That's different because now
you know, because you've established something without knowing you know
what I'm saying, where they were right, you know. And
then I feel like that's a conversation that need to
be had with you know, your boy or your girl whoever.
You know what I'm saying, Like you need to have
that conversation like, Yo, I hadn't know who I used
to day man. You know, but I'm not gonna stop

(16:12):
dating that individual. Now I'm investing. I'm pretty much in
this thing, you know what I mean, Right, I'm not
So I'm just letting you. I'm putting you on notice,
you know what I mean, Like you gonna see or
something about you gonna like that I get but if
you knew it, that's a whole other thing.

Speaker 5 (16:28):
Because here's another thing too, if you're if you you're
in a type of relationship with that person too, So
whether it's family, where there's friends, or whatever the case
may be, and you don't do anything intentionally to hurt
the people that you love, you know what I'm saying.
So and if you know that it's going to hurt them,
then that's just not something that you do. Now, back
to what you were saying about taking people back. So

(16:50):
here's here's my take on that. Last week we were
talking about. We were talking about people, you know, giving
up and walking away. So if we're if we constantly
find ourselves doing that, nobody will ever get anywhere because
anything worth having is worth fighting for it. Now, on that,

(17:10):
on that, on that note, I have Now, I have
been in marriages and relationships where I have been hurt
to my core and I have taken that person back. Now,
I am one of those people who try my best
to look at people's not just the overall character, but

(17:31):
their heart and everybody. Again, I'll keep talking about making
room for disappointment and room for mistakes. People make mistakes,
you know, people make mistakes, but.

Speaker 4 (17:42):
It's still regardless.

Speaker 5 (17:43):
If it doesn't matter if that person cheated on you,
if they left you and decided, hey, what they thought
was greening on the other side, way and green, and
you decided to take them back. You know what I'm saying,
that they had a kid on you, or or you know,
even some people stay if you got hit. You know
what I'm saying, I can't do that, but that's me personally,
But all of those things still are. You have to

(18:07):
remember you are two imperfect people with some kind of baggage.
Everybody has something that they're dealing with. So for me personally,
I think for me, I know what it's like to
be thrown away literally from by my parents. You know
what I'm saying. Constantly and my life. People constantly overlook me,
They take advantage. They people say they love you and

(18:28):
then they leave you the moment you mess up or
they say that they know you're not perfect, but the
moment you don't respond the way they want you to.
If you don't get over something quick enough, if you,
you know what I'm saying, react a certain way, then
you're doing too much, You overreacting, or and you not
worth my time. No more, or whatever the case may be.
I know what that's like, and so I don't treat
people that way. If I love you, if I'm in

(18:50):
love with you, you got me. I'm committed to you.

Speaker 4 (18:54):
Period.

Speaker 5 (18:54):
It don't There's only three things that can make me
walk away and you making a mistake.

Speaker 4 (19:01):
It is not that thing. Now.

Speaker 5 (19:03):
If I do take you back, you the person that
the person that decided to walk away or offended the
other person or hurt the other person, you have a
responsibility one to not make that person feel like they
owe you. They owe you getting over something in a

(19:25):
certain amount of time. You don't get to inflict pain
and then decide how long it should take them to
get over it.

Speaker 4 (19:30):
You don't. That's that's not true too.

Speaker 5 (19:32):
You also have an obligation and responsibility to work with
that person. So that means if you need to go
to counseling, if you need to, you know, find a mediator,
if you need to get some counseling on your own,
couple's counseling, whatever the case be, you do whatever it takes.
Because you said that this is what you want it. Now,
if you don't do that, or if you say you're
gonna do it and then you don't follow through with it.

(19:53):
What that is telling that person is while they are committed,
that you're not as committed as they are. I've been
in that relationship too, Yeah, going to counsel, but it
never happened. Or you know, yeah, you got some people
who someone to wait eight, nine, ten years for marriage
and it never happens. But you're given, y'a all you
keep forgiving, you keep doing this, and you keep doing that.

(20:14):
So for me, I had to start setting for me personally,
I have to start setting things in motion where Okay,
I'm not going to do this or go this far
or connecting this way until I know that I'm going
to be secure, because then it's already that's going to
add to the hurt and the trouble that's already being dealt.

Speaker 6 (20:32):
So just exactly what I'm talking about, though, Like you
have to you have to set. But that's that's that's
the thing. You are setting a you are setting not
even an expetition. You are setting a goal. That's why
I call it. You're setting a.

Speaker 2 (20:49):
Goal for the relationship at that point.

Speaker 6 (20:51):
But see, like my whole thing is I don't I
don't look at cheating as a mistake. I look at
chat choice.

Speaker 4 (20:58):
Yeah it is, it is, Jared said, Like.

Speaker 5 (21:03):
Jared says, you can't control who gets your attention, but
you can control who receives your affection. Cheating is a choice. Yeah,
and it ain't just cheating. Like I said, there are
a couple of things, you know, a couple things.

Speaker 2 (21:14):
But you can control who gets your attention. I believe.

Speaker 6 (21:17):
I believe you can control that. My reason why I
say I believe you can control that is like I said,
if you never entertain it, then that's controlling it.

Speaker 2 (21:26):
Frome example, a man could be with a woman or
but yet anybody could be with someone and they can find.

Speaker 6 (21:35):
Other people attractive. They can even find themselves attracted to
these other people. But that don't mean you have to entertain.

Speaker 4 (21:42):
It exactly exactly.

Speaker 2 (21:44):
See that's the key. That don't mean you have inter
because if that's the case, that means you have no
self control. That means you really not committed. Yep, you're
not committed.

Speaker 5 (21:53):
And it starts, like we said, with conversation. So when
you hopping in the inbox having inappropriate conversation, that's gonna
eventually lead to something somewhere if you know, if you're
with somebody, you ain't got no business.

Speaker 2 (22:05):
Why you have an inappropriate conversation in the first place.
If you commit it to somebody you're making My point
is you're not making a mistake. You're making a bad.

Speaker 5 (22:14):
Decision exactly, and then when you get caught. This is
what I'm talking about when it comes to expectations. This
for those of you who are just tuning in, hold on,
Jerry says, but if you take the individual back, it
is not a license to hold them emotionally hostage and
hold that error over them until you're pleased by their pain. Exactly.
That's not what I'm saying. But what I'm saying is

(22:35):
in a relationship, first of all, relationship takes.

Speaker 4 (22:37):
Two people working at it.

Speaker 5 (22:39):
If this person we take for granted too much for
a person taking you back. If a person loves you
enough to say I understand that you made a bad choice,
or I understand that you made a mistake, or I
understand that that you know what I'm saying, that you
realize that and you want to come back. You know

(23:00):
you want to come back, and I'm willing to take
you back. We take grace for granted because then you
don't see you don't want to extend that same grace
if you love a person.

Speaker 4 (23:08):
Do you know how much?

Speaker 5 (23:10):
First of all, for a man, let's just be real, okay,
because the word says that he who finds a wife
finds the good things and obtains what from the lord favor? Okay.
If you mess up who your favor is tied to,
that's on you. And too many times, too many times
men take for granted a woman that loves him enough

(23:32):
in all of his ratchetness, okay, constantly taking him back,
constantly forgiving him, constantly loving him in spite of her
own pain. Do how difficult it is to look at somebody,
lay down with them and everything, and you replaying this
stuff in your head. And he don't want to go
to counseling with you. He don't want to work through
the problem with you. He don't want to do his part.

Speaker 4 (23:53):
You're doing your.

Speaker 5 (23:54):
Part, you working through your pain, you crying, you praying,
you still cooking for him, you still do you know
how difficult that is?

Speaker 4 (24:02):
Listen? That ain't holding him.

Speaker 5 (24:05):
I'm accountable, emotionally accountable, that's what that.

Speaker 2 (24:08):
Listen. I'm glad you said that. The word of the
day should be accountable. That should be the word in
that situation, because I feel like all too often no
one wants to be accountable for their part in whatever
is going on, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 6 (24:24):
They always want to point the finger. They don't ever
want to be responsible for their their their part. Now,
I think I'm pretty good about owning what I do.
You know, Like I'm on record and everyone any and
everyone who's known me at least at least for the
for the last two years will know.

Speaker 2 (24:44):
And y'all he called his own BS out like I do.
I knew it. I do what I do it all
the time, Like I'll tell you all time.

Speaker 6 (24:51):
If I can call my BS out, what makes you
think ain't gonna call yours out?

Speaker 2 (24:56):
You know what I'm saying. So like I.

Speaker 6 (24:59):
Hold my solf for cow, I like to think I
hold myself accountable. I think a lot of people will
say I do to. But I think all too authority,
I even find this out with myself, like I can
hold myself accountable. But am I looking at the But
am I looking at the the responsibility it has?

Speaker 2 (25:18):
See? I think that like I'm starting to learn, you know,
I need to look at the responsibility my accountability as
as well. And I'm starting to learn that that's something
that I don't think enough people may consider.

Speaker 6 (25:32):
Like the prime example, like I hate what people apologize
and it's empty. Like if you say you sorry, and
I'm the person that you're saying you sorry too, I
should feel it when you say it. If I don't
feel it when you say it, it ain't since here.
That's just that's my opinion. Now somebody might feel different,

(25:52):
whoever the whoever's doing the apology.

Speaker 2 (25:54):
They may feel different. I also tell people, like in
the situation that we're talking about, we're talking about teat
at this point, if you the cheater, you got to
ask yourself, do you really want to endure what you
have to endure to get back what you lost?

Speaker 4 (26:10):
Is it worth it? Is it worth? Because listen, if
that person is worth listen.

Speaker 5 (26:17):
Now, we're not gonna sit up here and just act
like everybody trash because everybody everybody is not trained. Right, Okay, Now,
some things are worth going going back to get.

Speaker 4 (26:27):
You know what I'm saying. Some people are worth going
back to get. Period. It just is what it is.

Speaker 5 (26:31):
And if you know you've messed up, then or if
you know that you you left and didn't do everything
that you could have done, then yeah, then I say,
if that's how you feel, hey, go back and get them.
Go back and get them for somebody else to at
them up, because I hate that.

Speaker 4 (26:50):
I think there are too many. I call them late
revelation negros. Uh. If you, if you.

Speaker 5 (26:56):
Pay attention to what you have, why you have this,
you don't got to worry about having a revelation after
the fact, and it may be too late, you know
what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (27:06):
See, I say this too because I had a conversation.
I had a conversation with somebody, oh a couple.

Speaker 6 (27:13):
Months ago about this, and you know, he was trying
to get his girl back, and he said, so I
asked him this question. I said, Yo, my question to
you is this, if or when you get her back,
how liable are you doing the same stuff to get yep,
Like it's you know, from a scale of one to ten,

(27:40):
with tim being the highest, how logical unlikely are you
to mess up?

Speaker 2 (27:46):
And you know, entertain another chick at some point.

Speaker 6 (27:50):
And like he looked at me and he had to think,
And I said, just because you're thinking about it, tells
me you shouldn't try to even get her back.

Speaker 5 (27:58):
But see, that's why I keep saying the most That's
why one of the most important things to do is
when you find yourself in a relationship that has that
has been broken and you're trying to fix it.

Speaker 4 (28:11):
Too many people don't do the work.

Speaker 5 (28:14):
So in order to get to that point where you
won't do it again, how about going to some counseling,
some individual counselor to figure out why it is that
you feel that you still need this extra when you
got this person over here, who's supporting you, who's helping
you accomplish your dreams, who's leveling you up, who is
you know I'm speaking into you, who's willing to take
you back? Who loves you enough to do that? Like

(28:36):
why do people not do And I'll say women are
more susceptible to do to do therapy than men are,
even couples therapy. I've been in relationships that have had
I've been in relationships where we went to counseling, they
mad because a counselor getting on them, spiritual counseling and
marriage counseling. And then I've had relationships where it's been

(28:57):
broken and yeah, we talked about going to therapy, but
you never follow through. You know what I'm saying, You
never follow through, nor did you go and get counseling
for yourself. Because there are just some things that you
cannot fix on your own. Sometimes you need that, you
know what I'm saying, that extra and so I think

(29:19):
that it's exactly. I think that it's important for us
to not just make room for disappointment, but to also
be able to understand how we ourselves find ourselves making
those bad choices, even at thirty and forty and fifty
years old, and also trying to understand the mindset behind

(29:45):
our partner and why, you know what I'm saying, why
that is something that they that they did or willing
to because a lot of people, a lot of men
have have this thing in their head were oh, already
know already know what it is, and I can fix it.
But understand that you're in a relationship and just because
you don't think it was that deep, or because that

(30:07):
person took you back, because see what a lot of
men to say is well, well, if it was too
hard for you, then you shouldn't have took me back.

Speaker 4 (30:15):
Well, hold on, Wait a minute.

Speaker 5 (30:17):
If that was the case, then don't ask then to
be taken back because there are still some things that
come right, There are still some things that come along
with that.

Speaker 4 (30:24):
You can't.

Speaker 5 (30:25):
You can't just because somebody texts you back don't mean
that it doesn't hurt and they just can turn off
a switch and all the pain is gone.

Speaker 4 (30:32):
That's not what that means.

Speaker 5 (30:33):
That means that they still have some things to work through,
but they can still love you while they're working through it.
The question is are you willing to love them as
they work through it and work through it with them?
But a lot of them aren't willing to do that,
And so then it becomes well, I'm not happy. Well,
happiness is temporary anyway, you got happiness anyway, I'm gonna

(30:54):
be happy and sad, up and down, up and down,
good and bad, up and down throughout a whole relation,
any kind of relationship, friendship's you know, family relationship guarantee.

Speaker 4 (31:03):
Shoot, my kids get on my last nurse.

Speaker 5 (31:04):
Some days I love them, but I don't like them, okay,
so and vice versa, and so in relationships, people kill
me with that. Well I'm not happy. Well guess what
I ain't been happy either, but I'm still here. I'm
still working through this because I know that this feeling
is only temporary, you know what I'm saying. And that's
what I was talking about last week, where when the
love is gone, that's when your friendship carries you.

Speaker 4 (31:26):
When the when the friendship and.

Speaker 5 (31:29):
You feel like you kind of you know what I'm saying,
going going a different way. You don't really feel that
that you know, that real connection, that's when the love
carries you. And so what people do is they have
this thing in their mindset, in their minds where, oh,
well this is lasting too long. Okay, well you gotta
look at the magnitude of whatever the issue is that

(31:49):
took place, and what are you doing to help that?

Speaker 2 (31:57):
Yeah? I yeah, I think the whole accountability is the biggest.

Speaker 6 (32:03):
One on that, because you know, we're, like I said,
we're I look at the whole Can someone do to me?

Speaker 2 (32:12):
Like? Can I accept someone doing to me what I
do to you? Like? There's such thing as you know,
fighting fear when you're when you're you know, eyes with
your maid.

Speaker 6 (32:22):
And I think are too often people are just looking
to hurt because they feel hurt. You know, the same goals.
Hurt people just hurt people, you know, and when you like.
I always say you can always measure someone's love by
how they treat you when they don't like you.

Speaker 2 (32:44):
M yeah, you know, And I think that's the biggest key.
When they ain't when they don't like you, they ain't
feeling you, you know what I'm saying, How they treat.

Speaker 6 (32:52):
You, you can always tell that they truly love you,
you know, do they still do? Are they still looking
out for your best interests even though they ain't talking
to you?

Speaker 2 (33:02):
Really?

Speaker 6 (33:03):
But if they still looking out for your best interests,
that person loves you, man like, that person really loves
you like And it's not And like I said, it's
not only just subjective.

Speaker 2 (33:12):
To you know, a man and a woman's or just
your maid.

Speaker 6 (33:17):
You know, it's subject to your friendships, your business relationships
all that. Like you could be at odds with somebody
in a business relationship, like you both just don't agree
on something, you know. But that don't mean I need
to switch up how we've been operating.

Speaker 2 (33:31):
Business, right exactly, if.

Speaker 6 (33:33):
My business has been successful, If my business is successful
the way it's been running with you, I'm not.

Speaker 2 (33:38):
Gonna change that or because I feel some type of way.
The numbers tell me I should feel no type of
way about my business with you. So I'm not going
you know what I'm.

Speaker 6 (33:47):
Saying, I'm not gonna switch that up, you know, because
I feel some type of way about how you how.

Speaker 2 (33:54):
You consider something. You know, my numbers tell me, Hey, yo,
we've been in a black's eight months, so we're gonna
stand in the black by doing business as usual. You know.

Speaker 6 (34:04):
I can feel sometimes, like I tell you all the time,
there's nothing wrong with the green to disagree.

Speaker 2 (34:10):
Yeah, that is very healthy. That is very very healthy.
And be honest with you, I would totally worry if
someone always agreed with me. That would bother me more
because now I'm sitting there thinking to myself, when is
the bottom gonna fall out? Because there is no way
in hell you can agree with me on everything, right,

(34:34):
you know.

Speaker 6 (34:35):
So like it's healthy to agree to disagree, it's healthy
to disagree, you know, but just have a common ground
and be respectable about your disagreement with something and make
sure it's something a substance as well. Like I think
all too often people you know, bicker and complain about.

Speaker 2 (34:52):
The smallest thing it'd be so small and they make
it a big deal and then you you know, here
y'all are y'all on the ropes in the relationship, you know,
for two or three weeks over something like he didn't
clear a dish washer out or something like.

Speaker 6 (35:10):
That's crazy, you know what I'm saying, like that, that's crazy.

Speaker 2 (35:15):
Like I had to get on one of my friends
about that one time.

Speaker 6 (35:18):
I was like, wait a minute, you upset will him
because he junkies up this truck. It's his truck all
the time, and then when it's time for you use it,
you got to clean it out, and he's not considered
enough to thank you or whatever.

Speaker 2 (35:29):
You know.

Speaker 6 (35:30):
I was like, let me explain something to you. It's
his truck. He could do what he want. When he
won't why, I was like, I understand, you clean it.
I understand you did what you did, But you did
it because that's how you needed to.

Speaker 2 (35:43):
Be for you to operate in it. Yeah, why is
he thanking you for operating in it the way you
want to operate in it? I was like, and then yeah,
and then people gotta take a consideration, I told her,
taking consideration all the other things he do, though, like, Okay,
that's not one thing that bothers you, But think about

(36:05):
the one hundred things that you do throughout your day
that makes things simpler for you that you don't thank
him for, Like cool out, don't don't harbor over that thing.

Speaker 5 (36:15):
Yeah yeah, Facebook gives you said, we do not get
to choose the way or speed how people heal, and
you're absolutely right.

Speaker 2 (36:22):
And that's true.

Speaker 5 (36:23):
Hold that up because we're going to we're going to
we're gonna take a quick break the bills, and when
we come back, we're gonna continue this conversation.

Speaker 4 (36:34):
So just hold tight, stick and stay okay, don't go nowhere.

Speaker 5 (36:46):
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Speaker 4 (39:15):
All right, and we are back.

Speaker 5 (39:18):
So we've been talking about expectations and before the break
we had a a listener and say that, you know,
you can't determine how long it should or choose the
way or how long some people heal, and that is
absolutely right. I've had to tell some people close to me,

(39:39):
even in relationship, you know that you can't do that
when you inflict.

Speaker 4 (39:43):
That's like me me.

Speaker 5 (39:45):
Slapping you Keith, you know, and it made you feel
some type of way, And I slapped you because I
didn't like something that you said. And you you know
what I'm saying that not only did it physically hurt,
but it hurts your feelings because you know what I'm saying,
We supposed to be cool and I can't.

Speaker 4 (39:57):
I can't rush you.

Speaker 5 (39:59):
You know what I'm saying, Uh getting back to you
know us being like real cool again.

Speaker 4 (40:04):
I can't do that.

Speaker 5 (40:05):
But what I can do is on my part figure out, Okay,
what can I do to help get to the point
where or what can I do for me to make
sure that I don't get to that point again where
I don't react that way where if you say something,
I react physically, and then I also need to engage
with you and ask you, Okay, what do you need

(40:27):
from me for uh, for us to fix?

Speaker 4 (40:31):
You know what I'm saying, whatever.

Speaker 5 (40:34):
It was between us, you know what I'm saying, to
make to make us get to the point where the
disagreement got to you know, got to that level. Okay,
So that may include us, you know, going and sit
down and talking to somebody.

Speaker 4 (40:48):
If I if I really.

Speaker 5 (40:50):
Cared about you enough and cared about the relationship enough,
then I would do whatever it takes to make sure
that I fixed that.

Speaker 4 (40:59):
But fortunately, people talk a good game.

Speaker 5 (41:01):
They say I'm gonna do this, but if you don't
follow through, and I'm gonna tell you right now, that's
a bad thing on a man's part, because a woman
wants to feel secure. You know what I'm saying, not
just I'm not talking about secure in herself like, but
secure in the relationship. If if you're if you say
that you love me, if you say that you're in
love with me, if you're committed to me, I need

(41:22):
to make sure. I want to know that when you
say something, you gonna do what you said. Because me,
I'm a woman of my word. If I say I'm
gonna do something, I'm gonna do it, And then I
have to acknowledge.

Speaker 4 (41:34):
Whatever the progress that you've made. That's a lot of
times we don't acknowledge that I have.

Speaker 5 (41:40):
Ah, there are some things that happen in my childhood
and a lot of people know my story, and you know,
my God bless her. I love my mother, just everybody
who knows. I always get this disclaimer. I love them,
but I have no animosity towards her. But you know,
there are some things that I don't have a relationship

(42:03):
with her, having had one since I was fifteen. But
she will always tell us that we're delusional, like this
didn't happen. That didn't happen, you know what I'm saying.
So not only is it an insult to my intelligence,
but it's also downplaying the role that you played or
the hurt that you caused. And so people don't like
to be seen in a bad light or don't want
to hear themselves in a bad light. But in reality,

(42:24):
what you did, it may not be that bad to you,
but the person that you hurt, you don't get to
you don't get.

Speaker 4 (42:30):
To determine the level or degree of the hurt either
because you.

Speaker 2 (42:35):
Ain't feeling right.

Speaker 4 (42:36):
You're not feeling it because if.

Speaker 5 (42:37):
The shoe was on the other fitch on the other foot,
truth be told, you wouldn't even got to the point
that this person has gotten to in getting over it
and healing and getting to this point. So it's very
important in relationships too, that you acknowledge the progress that
your mate has made in dealing with whatever the issue was,
even when you wasn't even the one helping get.

Speaker 4 (42:57):
To get them there. So I agree, I agree with
that Facebook user is very That is.

Speaker 2 (43:03):
Very important, and I think that absolutely.

Speaker 4 (43:07):
I think that.

Speaker 5 (43:10):
Women, while we do some of the same things, I
just think that that is a bigger double standard on
the men's part. Like you said, men did well this
shout thinks that they know good and well that they
would not be able to handle at all.

Speaker 4 (43:25):
You wouldn't be able to handle it. You just wouldn't.
You're not emotionally.

Speaker 2 (43:30):
And you know what what's funny is this, Uh we talked,
like I said, we're talking about expectations.

Speaker 6 (43:37):
Some foods I don't want to say that. I think
some people have the idea that they do it because
they know that.

Speaker 2 (43:47):
They can.

Speaker 6 (43:48):
Like I always say this, people do things because they
feel like they can do it, you know, if there's
a bus about it, that's the reason why they do
these things, because they.

Speaker 2 (43:56):
Feel like they can do it, even if like they're like,
I know, I know enough some dudes that.

Speaker 6 (44:03):
If they get caught, they know it's kind of like
if I get caught, she gonna be mad, she gonna
get upset.

Speaker 2 (44:09):
But at the end of the day, we ain't leaving
each other. And I'm just sitting there thinking to myself,
But you know, is that healthy? You know what I'm saying, Like, Yo,
you know, at the end of the day, where is
that gonna put? Y'all?

Speaker 5 (44:26):
I mean?

Speaker 6 (44:26):
And also people change and we grow, so you know
that stuff that you that that that real cute running
around trying to make somebody jealous in your twins don't
hold the same weight in as thirties, you know what
I'm saying, Like, I just sometimes I don't get people's ideas,
Like you know what I'm saying, like, yo, like why
would you even want to do? Like I saw somebody

(44:48):
the other day, I was like, a man doesn't hurt
what he loves. And so this one girl was like,
you know what, you should tell that to my boyfriend.
I was sitting thinking of myself, though, you should tell
that to your boyfriend with your actions. If he hurts you,
that means he don't love you. And if you don't

(45:10):
love you while you with him, I can't hear.

Speaker 2 (45:16):
You, lady jack.

Speaker 5 (45:17):
Oh, there are some men that will counter that and say, well,
that's not true because just because I cheat. I think
one time, me Juice and me just being my pillow
talk and they were talking about that, saying that, oh,
sometimes things do happen.

Speaker 4 (45:34):
Listen, listen here, No do.

Speaker 2 (45:36):
Nothing just happened. I say this all the time. Nothing
just happens. You always put it into play.

Speaker 5 (45:43):
That's my point exactly, because here's the thing. We all
have a choice. We all have choices that we make. Okay, well,
trust and the reality of it is, when someone is hurt,
it will alter their demeanor.

Speaker 4 (45:55):
It alters their normal day to day character.

Speaker 5 (46:00):
And so while they are while they're and they're doing
their best to still love you and care for you
and still of course, like you said, uh, care about
your well being and stuff while they're going through what
they're going through.

Speaker 4 (46:12):
But you can't expect them to.

Speaker 5 (46:13):
Be the same while they're going through that, but you
can recognize the progress, like I said, and the transitions
they've been making from point A to point B. And
when you make a decision, uh, And that's because that's
exactly what it is. When you make a decision, you
have to call it just that it's not. It don't

(46:35):
matter if it was uh what they call it uh
pre uh predetermined or or what they call it when
you when you murder somebody, and its first degree because
it was premeditated.

Speaker 2 (46:48):
There you go.

Speaker 4 (46:50):
If it was pre if you didn't like decide.

Speaker 5 (46:52):
Okay, you know what, I'm going out and I'm cheating today,
or you know what, I'm about to cause an argument
just to give me an excuse to break up so
I can leave her and then go test the water whatever.
If it don't work, I'm gonna come back, or I'm
a or if it's a female saying, you know, vice versa.
If you it don't matter if it's premeditated or not.
If you go out you decide to have a conversation

(47:15):
with somebody, y'all talking about you know this, this and that,
and then one thing leads to another. You're making a
choice because at any point in time you could have stopped.

Speaker 2 (47:24):
That you walk away. Yep, you're walking away. I cannot
entertain this. In fact, you can. Like I told somebody
this the other day, Like one of my friends, she
asked me this question. She was like, you know what,
out of all this time i've known you, I've never
known you like to be a cheater though, like you
never stepped out on nobody, Like, that's not That's never
been your reputation.

Speaker 6 (47:44):
She's like, how do you do that? And I said,
it's simple. I don't put myself in positions to people,
people that I'm attracted.

Speaker 2 (47:52):
To to have it happen.

Speaker 4 (47:54):
Mm hm yep.

Speaker 6 (47:56):
I was like, I have self control, don't get me wrong.
I told somebody self control it, don't get me wrong.
But also at the same time, I also know not
to put myself in a position to what self control could.

Speaker 4 (48:06):
Be tested exactly exactly.

Speaker 5 (48:09):
Listen, if I was a woman who was driven by money,
look I done had men offer me thousands of dollars
just to take me on a date while in a relationship. Now,
if I was money driven and I was like, not
really committed to the person on with and I didn't
really truly love them. I would entertain that, but no,
I'm not entertaining it. You know what I'm saying. No,

(48:30):
I don't need your money. First of all, I don't
need to be taken on a date that bad.

Speaker 4 (48:34):
First of all. You know what I'm saying. So and
hold on.

Speaker 5 (48:38):
And that's even in the midst of because where women
go wrong is that kind of stuff happens when you
in when your relationship is in turmoil, when stuff is
going on and you're going through hardships. But but look here,
if you really truly loved that person, ain't gonna be
no inappropriate conversation going on. Ain't gonna be no, no,

(48:58):
none of that. And that's just the type of person.
Because when I say I love you and I'm in
love with you, I mean you got me. You know
what I'm saying. That's it, you got me. Now, the
question is are you going to secure me? That's the question.

Speaker 4 (49:10):
That's just it.

Speaker 2 (49:11):
So and that's just me I feel.

Speaker 6 (49:16):
That's but that goes, like I said, that goes into
the whole play of the accountability. You know what I'm
saying that goes into the play of But like I said,
people sometimes just people like I always say this, you
have your narcissist. Excuse me, you have your narcissist out there,
and they're going to they gonna get what they can
out of you.

Speaker 2 (49:35):
They lead I call them leeches, man, because they don't
they don't love themselves, like they don't know how, they
don't know what love really is. So what they do
is they rely on people to pour love into them
and they can't.

Speaker 6 (49:48):
But because they don't know what love is, they can't
ever pour love back into the other person. So they
so it's like, you know, they'll just take, take and take,
and they'll drain you and then they'll move on to
the next person and take take to take, and they'll
train that person. Then they'll move on to the next
person and take take your take, and they'll train that person.
Like at some point in time, what's going to happen

(50:09):
is and usually this person is a very vang person.

Speaker 2 (50:14):
At some point in time, you know they're going to
lose beauty and handsomeness and all that. It's not going
to look as good because people look ugly after they
find out if you find out, you know, they're consistently
ugly people. Then the outers start to look ugly too.
You're like, nah, I don't really don't need And then

(50:35):
they wonder why they're lonely, you know here and they.

Speaker 6 (50:38):
Lay forties going into their fifties and in their sixties,
they wonder.

Speaker 2 (50:42):
Why they don't even have friends. Like I always tell
people that like this, I have to question. I put
a Facebook post so one time before, I said, if
you thirty year older and you don't have at least
three friends that has been ride with you for ten
or fifteen years, I have to question you and your character.
And this one young lady was like, that's messed up.

(51:04):
Why you gotta question their character because they don't they
don't hold on the friends that long. I said, there's
a reason why these people don't want to be friends
with you.

Speaker 4 (51:12):
M hm.

Speaker 2 (51:12):
That means, you know, you burning bridges that.

Speaker 4 (51:15):
That have no conflict resolution skills either. That's what they
tell me.

Speaker 2 (51:21):
Yep, that's why you because you can't continue to move on.
You always move it on always so well. I told them.

Speaker 6 (51:27):
I was like, I said, that don't mean you are
a bad person, but why shouldn't I be able to
question it. You thirty and you don't have three people
around you that's ten years longer that arride with you.

Speaker 2 (51:40):
That's to me that you know, like I got a
question at the very least, I gotta question it.

Speaker 4 (51:45):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 2 (51:46):
You know.

Speaker 5 (51:47):
And because like vice versa two though, because here's the thing,
there are some people who have friends but their relationships
are man and I've had some people say, well, well,
my friends never said that before, and they've been knowing
me all Like, well, first of all, your friends only
know you as a friend.

Speaker 4 (52:07):
They ain't never slept with you, they ain't never lived
with you.

Speaker 5 (52:11):
This person knows things about you that your friends will
never know, so you can't That ain't even a good comparison.
Not even your parents, you know what I'm saying. Your
parents only know you as a kid and know you
interacting with the people that you're with, they clin They
definitely ain't read.

Speaker 4 (52:24):
To know you in their light, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 5 (52:26):
Meanwhile, the person that you are in relationship with or
married to, they know you as a friend. They know
they can see you as a as a brother, a sister,
interacting with people they can as a business partner especially
they going to business you, they know you as a
lover as I mean, I said all the things that
all these other people will only know you as one thing.
So that is something that blows my mom when people

(52:47):
be trying to use that like, no, that's not even
remotely close. Because relationship with people, they yep, they can
bring stuff out of you that those people will never
be able to bring out of you that you didn't
even know they or that you didn't even know that
you needed to address.

Speaker 4 (53:02):
But people don't want to. People act like they don't
they got it all together. No you don't. You ain't
got ain't nobody got it all together?

Speaker 2 (53:10):
Got together? Right? A lot of that's funny, But yeah,
I always say that, like the accountability is to know.
To me, it always bois back going back to accountability,
like you know, you have to look yourself in the mirror,
say you know, and we're talking about the bad right now,
even with the good, Like I always say, you know,

(53:31):
you have to look at yourself in the mirror and say, hm,
it's just you know, am I able to accept good?
Like I give it?

Speaker 6 (53:40):
You know what I'm saying, Because a lot of people
don't understand how to accept good things because they always
the one.

Speaker 2 (53:46):
That's always giving, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (53:48):
So like you like, I've had men.

Speaker 6 (53:55):
Look, I had a young lady one time, Like everything
was going good with us, you know, we were just dating,
but everything was going good.

Speaker 2 (54:02):
It was going the right direction. Then all of a sudden,
cold turkey things just just like turn and like she
ghoest me. I was like, damn, what happened? Like, you know,
we was good, like everything was going well.

Speaker 6 (54:13):
And like maybe like a year and a half later,
like I get this imbox, you know, on Facebook, and
it's her and this like happened maybe like eight years ago,
and so she was like, hey.

Speaker 2 (54:26):
How are you? YadA YadA, YadA. You go small talk
and then she's like, is it.

Speaker 6 (54:30):
All right for me to give you a call or
you know, even if you don't want to give me
your number, can I just call you through Facebook?

Speaker 2 (54:36):
She's like I want to share something with you. And
I'm like, okay, cool, you know what I'm saying here,
you can call me. And she called me. She's like, look,
I just want to first of all, I want to
apologize for just being in my ane on and she
was like, but I did not know how to accept
all the good that you was bringing. She was like,

(54:58):
you know, I wasn't used to it.

Speaker 6 (54:59):
Like you was totally different than what I was used
I used to the bad boay, I used to the thug.
I'm used to the you know, I'm used to having
somebody I know who's going to cheat. And she was like,
and the reason I ghost you is because I felt
like if you did me wrong, it would hurt too
bad because I didn't expect.

Speaker 2 (55:19):
That out of you. And I was like, wow, I
was like.

Speaker 6 (55:23):
She was like, so she's like, I've been a counseling
life for the last year. She's like, and I understand
my self worth now. And she's like, I just want
to apologize to you because you deserve better. And she
was like, and I'm trying to be a better person.
And she's like, it's not that I'm trying to get
back with you or nothing like that. She's like, but
you deserve to know, you know what I'm saying, what
happened and where I'm at now. And I appreciated it,

(55:45):
you know what I'm saying. And I was just sitting
there thinking to myself, like wow, I can't believe that
she you know what I'm saying, as good as she
is as a person that were pouring to somebody, she
couldn't accept that.

Speaker 5 (55:59):
I can totally underst where she is, like I said,
And it's all. It has everything to do with a
person's upbringing, their experiences, because I am one of those people.
I'm used to being the one to give. And for me,
I know what it's like to be with a man
and you see him one way and then he hurts
you to your core and you didn't expect him to

(56:19):
ever do something like that. And then so now your
perception of him, you find out it's distorted or it's not.
Your perception wasn't real of this person. It's not now
that you it's not that it takes away from your
love of him, but now you have to grapple with

(56:40):
the not just the pain from that, but at the
same time too, now you have to get a true
understanding of who he really is. And now, oh my god,
he's really capable of this. So and I think for me,
I'm the type of person where I expect people to leave.
I'm used to people leaving. I'm used to people like

(57:01):
abandoning abandoning me. Not because I've treated you horribly or
I've you know, put my hands on you or cushed
you out or talked down to you. I'm just used
to people leaving, you know, I don't want to be bothered.
I'm not happy or cheating or whatever the case to me.

Speaker 4 (57:20):
I'm used to that.

Speaker 5 (57:21):
I've gotten that my entire life, from childhood on up.
So I braced myself. It doesn't make it hurt. It
depends on who it is. If I'm really invested and
I'm really you know what I'm saying into you, and
I'm really committed to you, it's gonna hurt even if
I try to brace myself. But that goes also into
you know, life and DestinE, the power of tongue. Whatever

(57:42):
you put out and the atmosphere.

Speaker 4 (57:43):
Comes back to you.

Speaker 5 (57:44):
So if I'm in my mind, I'm constantly thinking. Sometimes
I'll even ask a lot you know, why are you
still here? Or you know what I'm saying questions like that.
I'll ask stuff like that to figure out like why
are you still here again? Like this doesn't bother you,

(58:04):
or this isn't too much for you, or like I'll
ask questions like that and so y'all know all my
being transparent, but that is that's just me because that's
what I'm used to, and unfortunately that's what the outcome
always is. So and so, as a female, you're constantly
looking at yourself, just like if a man cheats. The

(58:27):
first thing women do is look at themselves like, oh,
we don't need to change it by myself, you know
what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (58:31):
I need to go, you know, get my hair, you know,
change my hair or whatever.

Speaker 5 (58:34):
It has to be the first thing that we do
is we blame ourselves, you know what I'm saying, And
were trying to fix us.

Speaker 4 (58:39):
But really the issue is with him.

Speaker 5 (58:40):
So and now, not to say that some women don't
contribute to the issue, you know what I'm saying, I'm
not saying.

Speaker 4 (58:49):
I'm not saying that. But ultimately the choice is he is.

Speaker 2 (58:51):
So it is his.

Speaker 4 (58:52):
It is his, uh, his choice and his responsibility.

Speaker 5 (58:54):
But I think that for women it is difficult when
you are used to, like the young lady you was
talking about, if you are used to one one.

Speaker 4 (59:05):
Thing, that's what you expect out of everybody. Because I'm
learning in.

Speaker 5 (59:09):
My experience and it don't matter how good or how
bad the man is. Whether he's an abuser or not,
he's a cheater or not, he's a liar or not,
all of them are capable of hurting you, and all
of them don't stay.

Speaker 4 (59:25):
That's that's just my personal experience. I can't speak for
nobody else.

Speaker 8 (59:31):
Yeah, like I said to me, all bought down to
the accountability, which is always tied to you know, can
you accept whatever it is you thought out an atmosphere,
whether it be good or bad, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 6 (59:45):
Like, and it's always a unique thing. And I think
it's always, you know, really unique when it's friendships, because
like I said, friendships comes with a different responsibility.

Speaker 2 (59:57):
Because you know, with friendships, I believe.

Speaker 6 (01:00:03):
People go into like people go into a friendship expecting
friendships to be forever. I think with relationships it's up
to you know, it's subjective. Like with relationships, you go
into a relationship think hoping, Okay, this thing is going
to work out. But with the friendship, you go in
and expecting that thing to work out.

Speaker 2 (01:00:23):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 6 (01:00:24):
I think it's two different you know, there's two different
expectations for those and the responsibility for those expectations are different,
and I don't think enough people, you know, put that
into mind either, because like, as you know, me and
the crew, we've we've been tight for over thirty years.
Like it's crazy to say that, Like I got Bob

(01:00:46):
dudes for over thirty years. Like when I say tight,
like Dick is the Batman and Robin like, there's nothing
that's going to ever be able to break that.

Speaker 2 (01:00:59):
And that's be honest with you. From day one of
us like hanging out, that was like an expectation from
you know, in my opinion, it was an expectation.

Speaker 6 (01:01:11):
Yeah, I can't ever say I had a relationship that
I expected to work like that.

Speaker 5 (01:01:17):
I will say that I have at least one, excuse me,
at least one friendships. I think because with friendships, I
think that what you give is unconditional. It's easier for
people to love unconditionally. In a friendship, it's either it's

(01:01:38):
easier for people to give unconditionally.

Speaker 4 (01:01:40):
When you are in a relationship, people.

Speaker 5 (01:01:42):
Require things from you at certain levels that they themselves
came meet. In friendships, you you know that you're going
to disagree, you know that you're gonna have fallen out,
but you know that you know, y'all worked through with
your friends. You ought to be able to go to
that person, and you know saying, speak your peace, y'all

(01:02:04):
have your conversation, y'all work it out. In relationships, I
think because you are so, you're not just emotionally tied
to the person. And I'm not talking about people you're
just dating. I'm talking about person you in a relationship with,
you commit it to age, married, whatever, you're tied to them,

(01:02:24):
you have a deep connection with them mentally, spiritually, emotionally.
So there are so many different things, you know, so
many ties to that individual that when you said something earlier,
when you said, I don't think you were talking about
people not knowing what love is. And a lot of
people don't know what love is because love is not conditional.

(01:02:47):
True love is not conditional, and it's unconditional. When you again, uh,
there was a couple that was being interviewed. I forget
what I was looking at. There was a couple that
was being interview They were in like their seventies. I
think it was a reading one of my devotions. So
everyone and I do like my Bible devotion, prayer and

(01:03:08):
stuff like that, and they were asked a question and said,
what is the secret to being married for uh for
almost forty years?

Speaker 4 (01:03:17):
And there was like, there is no secret. He's like,
I'll tell you this when you decide. He said.

Speaker 5 (01:03:24):
What I did was I saw that she loved me.
She forgave me, She constantly forgave me. And he said,
and she's stood by my side. And so when I
committed to her, I didn't just commit to her, he said.
I committed to saying I do. And when you commit
to that, you stick with that. I don't care what happens,

(01:03:47):
he said. And that's why we've been together because we
didn't have the mindset that, oh, well, I can get
a divorce anytime. No, I committed to this. I'm committed
to this. So whatever the issue is, we're gonna work
it out.

Speaker 4 (01:03:58):
And he said.

Speaker 5 (01:03:58):
They they've only been in account twice in their whole
entire marriage almost forty years.

Speaker 4 (01:04:03):
Have been a counseling twice.

Speaker 5 (01:04:05):
And I think that, you know, some people think that
they should go to counseling, like as refreshers.

Speaker 4 (01:04:10):
I think you should. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (01:04:12):
It could be fun or whatever, but you know, going
back to something that you said, earlier too. People do
not give enough grace to their relationships as they do
their friendships. What you said, what you said, you know,
and they need to.

Speaker 6 (01:04:27):
Well, it's funny to me because I think you, I
think you invest so much more in the beginning to
a relationship than you do a friendship.

Speaker 2 (01:04:36):
Yeah, very very for you not to.

Speaker 6 (01:04:38):
You know, be so quick to want to give greade.
That's that's just that just kind of came to me, Like,
you know what, that's funny. I think I think we
need to approach relationships different like we approach our friendships.
I think relationships should be approach our friendships. Yeah, I
think they should be approached with the idea of this
is going to be forever, and we're going to work
at being forever every day because with friendships, that's what happens,

(01:05:01):
you know what I'm saying, Like you know, even you know,
like I said, when you don't when you don't like
each other, when y'all ain't feeling each other, and you
can go days and months without talking to that friend,
but at the end of the day, you still love
that friend.

Speaker 2 (01:05:14):
You're gonna always want the best interest, You're gonna want
them to be happy. You're gonna you know what I'm.

Speaker 6 (01:05:18):
Saying, it just but it never happens like that, where
Like I asked somebody the other day, I said, do.

Speaker 2 (01:05:26):
You want you? I said, was you want your X
to be happy? They looked at me with this face like, man,
if you say that, and I just started laughing. I
thought it was so funny. Like literally, when I said
I thought it was so funny, I was dying. I
thought it was so funny.

Speaker 6 (01:05:43):
Now I was sitting there saying to myself, it's funny
how you spit and hate that person so much right
now when just five, six, seven, eight months ago you
love them to death.

Speaker 4 (01:05:56):
I was like, you know, because I don't think that's funny.

Speaker 5 (01:05:59):
I don't think that's really true love, because even when
somebody hurts, I'm still The thing that angers me is
that I'm still love you, that I'm still thinking about you,
that I'm still caring about you, that I'm still covering you,
that I'm still like that is the part that irritates me,
because you know what, that.

Speaker 2 (01:06:16):
Don't irritate me.

Speaker 4 (01:06:17):
It does irritate me because that.

Speaker 5 (01:06:19):
Person, well, well for me, if you're the person that
didn't leave, I think that right that then then maybe
it doesn't. But if that person left you, and then yes,
that irritates me because here I am still worried about you,
still thinking about you know, and and you out there
doing whatever. You know what I'm saying, god knows what.

Speaker 2 (01:06:40):
Whatever? Right, But I think I'm gonna tell you why
I don't bother me.

Speaker 6 (01:06:47):
Someone put this on my head before and it was like,
you know, you shouldn't really be bothered that you love
these people the way you love them, you know what
I'm saying, Like you know, Like like she was like,
you know, I understand you still love that you want
the best for them even if they not with you.

Speaker 2 (01:07:03):
That's just who you are, you built like that. She
was like, but that's a good thing. And I was like,
why is that a good thing?

Speaker 6 (01:07:09):
Because I show don't feel good about it, And she
was like, the reason why it's a good thing, she said,
the reason why it's a good thing is because your
stones are your crown, are always gonna.

Speaker 2 (01:07:19):
Be your stones or your crown.

Speaker 4 (01:07:21):
Mhm.

Speaker 2 (01:07:22):
They're not gonna be diminished and not gonna change. They're
not gonna do none of that.

Speaker 6 (01:07:25):
She was like, you know, at some point in time,
you're gonna have to wear that crown and when you
put it on and it shine the way it's supposed
to shoe, that people don't understand who you really are,
and that in itself is going to be the reason
why you know what I'm saying, you love those people
the way you do.

Speaker 2 (01:07:41):
Like me and a friend was talking about this the
other day.

Speaker 6 (01:07:44):
I was like, I understand that I'm a better friend
to some people than they are to me, and I
know that without a shadow of it out and they
even know it. I was like, and it don't even
bother me. The reason they don't bother me is because
I do. I understand. I do it because I know
ain't nobody ever did it for them.

Speaker 4 (01:08:02):
Mm hmmm that that part.

Speaker 5 (01:08:04):
I be wanting people to experience things that they've never
experienced for so I go above and beyond.

Speaker 4 (01:08:10):
I had.

Speaker 5 (01:08:11):
I had some friends get on me when I first
started uh dating someone because I spent so much money and.

Speaker 4 (01:08:19):
I went all out.

Speaker 5 (01:08:20):
But this person had never had a birthday party, that
had never had somebody that they was with to like
really truly like live on them for their birthday.

Speaker 4 (01:08:29):
Like, no, no, we're going to make that happen. You
know what I'm saying, That's that's just me. I want
you to experience those things.

Speaker 5 (01:08:37):
Cause I'm the type of person where, even if I
never get to really truly experience what it means to
be unconditionally loved by somebody, I want other people to
experience that.

Speaker 4 (01:08:51):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 5 (01:08:52):
I want I at least want to give that to somebody,
even if I never get to experience that before I
leave this earth, I want some I want other people
to experience that. So I think that it's important that
we not be so you know, self absorbed or selfish
that you know what I'm saying, that's all. We're just
thinking about what we want. And one of our listeners

(01:09:15):
said that many times, especially today, a woman will only
love children unconditionally and not her man.

Speaker 4 (01:09:20):
So here's the thing.

Speaker 2 (01:09:21):
I think that that is true. I don't think that
that is that is I think it is for the majority.

Speaker 5 (01:09:30):
I think for okay, it might be for majority, I
think for some. I know for me personally, I've been
in relationships like with men who have kids. You know,
I have kids too, so where I have fallen in
love with the kids and then it doesn't work out.
We've gotten really close to my kids off the bad.
The first thing that asked me they got kids?

Speaker 4 (01:09:45):
How old are they? What they got? Boys and girls?

Speaker 2 (01:09:47):
Now?

Speaker 4 (01:09:48):
Send them my kids and they love other kids. But
over the years, if.

Speaker 5 (01:09:54):
I get close to the kids and then we break
up and then I'm no longer able to see the kids,
I'm a mess.

Speaker 4 (01:09:59):
The kids is up.

Speaker 5 (01:10:00):
So I told myself, I wasn't gonna do that to myself.
No more like it's hard for me to do that
for my keys because kids are automatically gone.

Speaker 4 (01:10:06):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (01:10:08):
But we talked about this last week.

Speaker 4 (01:10:10):
Listen, it's really Deficultly.

Speaker 2 (01:10:13):
I'm with you because, like I said, remember last week
when I brought that up, I'm like, yo, I don't
think people taking consideration when they're dating how that affect
you know, children, Because like you know, I'm real like
careful with My son is sixteen and so let's call it.
In sixteen years, my son has seen me interact with one, two,

(01:10:41):
three women. In sixteen years, my son has only seen
me interact with three women.

Speaker 4 (01:10:48):
Because that's difficult, that's difficult, it.

Speaker 6 (01:10:50):
Right, I'm careful. I'm just so careful, you know what
I'm saying, because I don't want that experience like you
just talked about, I do not want that experience. I
do not want took experience of you know, like it
was funny as all all three of those women, we
are so cool to this day, Like if he ever,
if they ever came out of his mouth like, oh, daddy,

(01:11:10):
I would like.

Speaker 2 (01:11:11):
To go see miss so and so on and so
we could do it. It wouldn't even be a problem.

Speaker 5 (01:11:15):
And I think that it should be that way, but
it's just not like even if it's so so I
think that and like some some men, like this person
was saying, even vice versas, they may feel some type
of way like if you not, it's not that you
don't let yeah, you develop a certain relationship with the kids,
of course, but you don't get like really you don't
develop a really closer relationship. I know for me personally

(01:11:37):
and some I got a couple other friends that are
like this though, But until you put a ring on it,
then I know it's safe to then cross that boundary.
And because I feel like you should learn from from past,
you know what I'm saying, choices and mistakes. Once I
constantly started doing that, and I'm like, dang, now I'm
thinking about these kids that they okay, and I want

(01:11:59):
to talk to a woman, you know, stuff like that.
So I said, I'm not gonna do that no more.
It ain't good for the kids. It's not good for
me because kids don't understand. And so I'm like, if
I'm just waiting for you to know if that person's
just gone now exactly, if I'm just waiting for you
to put a ring on it, that's and you know.

Speaker 2 (01:12:14):
And that's traumatic. People don't understand that's traumatic. It is
it is, and then what about that is traumatic? And
that's why I'm so careful. I've always been so careful.
Like like I said, remember we have I have this conversation.
We had this conversation on the show last week and
I was like, you know, I had a young lady.
I told her, I said, you know. She was like,
I said, you know, a woman with so many this

(01:12:34):
was you know years ago, this has to be like
ten years ago. I was like, a woman that has
more than two children, I could never see myself dating.
And she was like, wow, that means I would be
undateable and this and that The third, and I was like,
I don't mean that. It's just to me. I ain't
checking for I was like, you know, I said, but
you know, and then like they was like I had

(01:12:54):
women on that post that was upset. When I say upset,
like you've seen my post man, like they be coming
from me sometimes for nothing, for no reason, they just becoming.
So they be like, oh, that means you just ain't
strong enough men and this I was like, Nah, what
that means is I'm careful. I was like, let's just
play something to you. That's just sixteen years So like

(01:13:16):
at that time, I'm like, you know, let me explay
something to you. Have a six year old, so you know,
with my six year old, I think about things. I
think about you know, how is it that you know,
if I'm dating a woman with children, first of all,
and she has three or more kids, I have to
think about those different personalities. I also have to think
about my relationship with her. I also have to think

(01:13:38):
about my relationship with her and my child, and then
those children with my child. Then I also have to
think about they have multiple fathers. If they have multiple fathers,
those the other personalities I have to deal with. Then
those multiple fathers. They're also appearents and over zealous you know,
aunts and uncles and grandparents and you know, god parents.

(01:13:58):
Those are personalities I have to do with. So you
think about these things.

Speaker 6 (01:14:02):
And then also I haven't even said or mentioned my
son's mother personality and mixing with these people, because you know,
if you if you're going to if you seriously thinking
about dealing with this person, you got to think long term.

Speaker 2 (01:14:16):
You can't just think of the right now. Oh she
cute and I want it right now. No, you have
to be like, Okay, if I'm pursuing this person, I
got to think about everything they.

Speaker 6 (01:14:25):
Got going on, everything I got going on. I was
gonna mix, you know, like I used to think about
that stuff.

Speaker 5 (01:14:33):
Yeah, and you should, I mean, and you should because
it's difficult for like for a lot of us to
just give a little bit, like I know it is
for me. If i'm if I love you, I'm giving all.
But I had to learn, like teach myself how to
give just enough for I. I have a relationship, but
with the kids, But where until I know that you're

(01:14:56):
going to secure me, I can't like then just okay.

Speaker 4 (01:14:59):
Yes, finally I'm all in you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 5 (01:15:02):
I mean not that I wasn't all in before, but
I'm just waiting to be like, Okay, is this gonna
be like are we doing this?

Speaker 2 (01:15:09):
Are we not doing You're waiting to be Yeah, you're
waiting to be like you're waiting to be for them
like you are for yours exactly.

Speaker 5 (01:15:16):
And then you also have to take into consideration too
with with the kids on both sides themselves. Now, I
know my kids is always like when we're going to
see so and so again? Or can they come over still?
And like now you got all these questions that you
already got to answer to answer to your kids, and
so you're gonna add them being attached to an adult

(01:15:36):
on top of that. Like, to me, that just don't
make sense. It just it don't make sense. I had
to learn that, like that's not that's not it's not good.

Speaker 6 (01:15:45):
And I said, you know, it's funny, and like I said,
it's funny, Like I just could not understand how they
could not, like it didn't even crossed their mind. Why,
Like you know what I'm saying, like and I explain,
you know me, I'm always explaining why I put something
out of the atmosphere.

Speaker 2 (01:16:02):
So even in that explanation, they were just still like
that just sound weak to me, And oh, I know
that sounds responsible, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 6 (01:16:11):
No, wonder y'all running around here bitter because you got
brothers you know, stepped out because they couldn't handle whatever
situation they hit over that over with you.

Speaker 2 (01:16:20):
And now you got kids constantly asking about that, right right,
that makes you even more upset with the whole idea
that this person ain't around.

Speaker 6 (01:16:27):
Now they not got close to the kids, And now
you know what I'm saying, They m I A, well,
there's a reason you exposed all that too early without
finding out if it even matches.

Speaker 2 (01:16:38):
Like, you know, when you have children, it ain't about
just you and your relationship with that person. Everything you
got going on at your household match up with that person.
Now everything they got going on at their household have
to match up with you all. Now it ain't just you,
it's us. Like it's so it kills me with women
like this. This is actually a lot of women do

(01:16:59):
this too. A lot of women be like, well, you know,
you have to accept all of all of us, Yeah,
but you only think about you in the situation. Mm hmm,
Like you're not thinking about your relationship with those children
and that men. You know what I'm saying that because
if you were, you wouldn't be upset with the whole
fact that I said what I said in the first place.

(01:17:21):
With the explanation. You just be like, Okay, I get it,
I understand. That's just you know, that's where he's staying.
Not get that that's the same for me, Like it's
a one size fit all. No, it's not. Relationships are
not of one size fital.

Speaker 5 (01:17:34):
Yeah, you you are absolutely right. Well, listen, y'all, this
has been another good conversation. Of course, as always of expectations. Listen,
we can talk about this all night and go into
all the different aspects. But I want to say, like
as were closing out, I know my final thoughts I
let Keip give his would just be in any type

(01:17:57):
of relationship that you are in, when you are setting expects,
make sure they're realistic. You have to remember that you
are you are two imperfect people, okay, trying to build
something that is perfect for you, whether that be in friendship,
a business partnership. You know what I'm saying, A romantic relationship,
and you have to extend grace when you are in

(01:18:18):
a romantic relationship. A lot of people are dating, not
just to be dating, but dating to marriage, you know,
dating towards marriage. Please understand that that person is gonna
mess up. You have to allow them to heal. If
you the one that messed up, If you the one
that's that that you know that got hurt, do your

(01:18:38):
part to heal on your own the person that inflicted
the pain, work with them, go to counseling.

Speaker 4 (01:18:45):
Don't just say you're gonna go do it. You know
what I'm saying. Work through the issue together, stick with it.

Speaker 5 (01:18:51):
Quit running all the time like you're not gonna get
nowhere in life if you don't commit and so, and
quit thinking you got to be happy all the time.
First of all, that's not even really. You're not even
happy when you're by yourself all the time. You know,
joy is ever lasting, happiness is temporary. You're gonna be
happy sometimes you're gonna be sad. Storms Some storms last
a couple of days, Some storms last a couple of weeks.

(01:19:13):
Some storms may last a year or two. But guess what,
All storms pass to everything. There is a season that's
my final thought.

Speaker 2 (01:19:23):
Oh yeah, my final thought is also, don't allow your
friends to dictate what your relationshipshipd be. I think a
lot of people do that, and that's sabotages of relationship.
Like you all were all good until you heard Mike
and Crystal doing X, Y and Z. Hey that's Michel Crystal.
You stay in your lane.

Speaker 6 (01:19:40):
Let Michael Crystal stay in their lane. You know what
I'm saying, Like, don't compare yourself to what everybody else
is doing. You know, if you if you are content
and you are you know, progressive in your relationship with
that person, then it do what it does. It matters fact.
You know, everybody's relationship is different. Like I said, it's
not a one size fit all, you know, So don't
allow anyone else to dictate your you know, in your relationship.

(01:20:03):
Don't be watching somebody else's relationship and see how that
relationship blossom and then you looking at your it's like, hey,
why this ain't blossoming like that? Because you ain't mic
and Crystal. That's why, you know what I'm saying. You,
Jette and Robert, y'all, y'all know bostom the way you're
supposed to.

Speaker 4 (01:20:17):
Blossom exactly your struggling you know.

Speaker 2 (01:20:19):
So that's that's my final word on that one. Yeah,
that's my final word with that.

Speaker 5 (01:20:24):
All right, y'all, Well, thank you for tuning in tonight
to another episode of Relationship Alogy with your girl.

Speaker 4 (01:20:31):
Lady Jay and.

Speaker 2 (01:20:34):
Your boy Keith O Mark.

Speaker 5 (01:20:36):
All Right, so y'all catch us next Friday at six
thirty pm Eastern Standard Time right here on JQL on Radio,
division of EGO Entertainment Network. And remember, together, you're gonna
either fall or fly? Which one do you want to do?

Speaker 1 (01:20:53):
The inspiration for the songs because of you, the instration
for the songs, because you, the is creation for the song.

Speaker 3 (01:21:03):
Because you you move, It's for you.

Speaker 2 (01:21:14):
Can you think it would be big