April 20, 2022 • 58 mins
Lady J and Keith Omar discuss the trauma that children and fathers experience when mothers use their kids to try to control fathers.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
The inspiration for the songs because of you. The inspiration
for the songs because of you. The inspiration for the
songs because of you.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
You it's fun.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
You can't you sing? It will be bad?
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Hey, Hey, everybody can y'all hear me? I was muted
there first.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
Welcome to another episode or relationship ology that you do,
Lady Jay. And all right, so I know we've been
absent for like the last two weeks, but we had
a lot of stuff going on. So it was a
snowstorm and some other stuff. But we back before we
(01:46):
get into our topic for today. Of course, we got
to get the those formalities out of the way, y'all,
so real quick. If this is your first time tuning
into the show or to JQUO Radio and you would
like to show the friends and followers and all the
different ways to think you tune, be sure to tell
them to download the j qul on Radio app on
their Apple or Android devices. You can also listen live
via Amazon, Alexa, tune in app, stream and sim for
(02:08):
radio app, and a host of other platforms, of which
you can find located on our website at EGO entertainmentnet
dot com. Often to follow, I can share us on
social media at j q ol on Radio on.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
Speaker 4 (02:21):
You can also listen live on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter
as well. Uh ego in net follow us their e
g O e N t N can connect with us
on LinkedIn at Ego Entertainment Network. Last, but not least,
if you like Lady J, you can connect me on
social media and Lady J. Grant on Jack catche Lady
(02:47):
J dot Co. Oh that was a mouthfool, oh Wark,
go ahead, tell them how they can.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Connect with you. You can catch up with me on
Facebook and also on Instagram at Keith Omar Jackson on
Facebook and King Keith Omar at on I G.
Speaker 4 (03:11):
All right, so tonight's topic, y'all, I really feel like
I needed to do this show because plowing around social
media and I know this all too well. So now
me not personally, let me just put that out there.
Not me personally, but I know some people. So tonight's
(03:32):
topics he is, kids are not pawns.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Keith, tell me.
Speaker 4 (03:40):
What what comes to mind when when you hear kids
are not pawns?
Speaker 3 (03:45):
What close of mind is someone that's manipulating the relationship
with the other parent with a child or a parent
figure with the child to get them to do their bidding. Basically,
get them to see things their way, get from the
do things their way. Uh, they're just manipulating the situation altogether.
Speaker 4 (04:06):
Uh yeah, I'm gonna have to agree with you on that,
so I listen. I will never understand why women think
and I say women because let's be honest, ninety.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Nine percent uh people, the one are women.
Speaker 4 (04:27):
So let's just put that out there. I will never
understand why why women think that it is okay to
use their children to try to control somebody.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
And I don't understand behind that.
Speaker 4 (04:42):
When she was as older, like, they develop their own
sense of understanding and you know, personality and thinks that's
where and none time undertand it's gonna backfire.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
On you, you know.
Speaker 4 (04:54):
So let's you know what we can We can go
up couple different ways. Well, first, let's just talk about
the reasons why some women feel like it's okay to
use kids as pawns. So I'm gonna go ahead kick
this thing off and say the number one reason though,
(05:15):
is a lot of women feel some type of way
when the man don't want her no more, so she
tries to use the child to.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
Kind of bend.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
Him towards you know what I'm saying, still paying attention
to her, still giving her, you know, his time and
energy and things of that.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
Sweet. I don't know.
Speaker 4 (05:33):
What would you say are some of the other reasons
that women tend to turn to this form of trying
to make the man do what once?
Speaker 3 (05:42):
I think it's a lot to do with they want
to hurt that person because they feel hurt. I think
that's the that to me, I think that's the number
reason they want to hurt that person, because they feel
hurt by that person.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
And the best way to do that is, you know,
you quote unquote and your possession. You have something that
they care about and they love, and you are in
control of it, so you manipulate it so so you
can hurt that never understanding the idea of your hurting
the child as much as you're hurting him. So, I mean,
(06:17):
I just I think it's crazy, but you know, people
do what they do.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
I think that that is uh a good reason too.
That's another reason why a lot of women tend to
use kids as pawns.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
I think that.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
I think it is financial reasons too. You said what
financial reasons.
Speaker 4 (06:39):
Oh yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely that. Oh so yeah, we'll
get to that. So I think that it is it
is immature and unwise to, you know, respond in that manner.
So when you're hurt, you need to take time, you
(07:00):
know what I'm saying, to heal and understand too that
this child that has to be here, you know.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
And so.
Speaker 4 (07:06):
I don't think they really realize the magnitude of the
of the negative effects that they have on their kids
when they try to turn the child against the father
or keep the child from the father and doesn't need
both their mom and dad. And I mean, let's just
(07:29):
be honest. A lot of kids start to develop their
identity or try to understand who.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
They are based on dad. Now mom, but dad.
Speaker 4 (07:38):
This speaks to why the child usually carries the father's
last name, while daddy's voice carries a certain level of
authority over mama's voice. This is why mothers usually have
to speak two or three times or a rat elevator
voice in order for you to listen you know what
I'm saying versus daddy and say something.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Just his tone and you straighten up. You know, these
these are these.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
Are facts, you know what I'm saying it's not an
opinion in fracts. So I think that, uh.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
We ribe our children of.
Speaker 4 (08:12):
Discovering themselves who they are and being able to have
that much needed relationship with that when we do that
to our kids and understanding though too. When you do that,
you're trying to hurt him, but in essence you're really
hurting the child, and ultimately you'll end up hurting yourself
(08:33):
because then that child will grow up to resent you
and it could very well destroy, completely destroy your relationship
with your child.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
I have a cousin. I have a cousin who has
a child that's been through that, and when he realized
that his mother was the manipulator, he won't persentage like
offer you like. He was at a point to where
for more than five years he didn't speak to her,
(09:07):
He didn't see her for holidays. He could care less
that she sent him a birthday gift and all that.
He didn't kick because he felt so hurt because he's
heard her bad mouthless father. And then to find out
the truth because my cousin had, you know, all the
evidence in the world to show that he was doing
(09:28):
but he's supposed to be doing and try to do
more right. But she, you know, she manipulated that whole
situation once he found out out. I mean literally, he
was messing with her no more he felt when we
found out, he was like sixteen, sixteen, Yeah, so mind you,
he didn't talk to he didn't start talking to her
(09:48):
again to after twenty one.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
And see sixteen.
Speaker 4 (09:53):
At sixteen, you know, a boy is starting to become
a man and women have to stop to listen.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
I'm a mother of so let me just put this after.
I'm a mother of two sons.
Speaker 4 (10:02):
I have a seventeen year old and my youngest son
will be twelve actually next Thursday. And for the first
ten years of my oldest son's life, his father was
not president. After like, we got divorced, so he spent
a lot of his time not spending time with his
dad and not talking to his dad.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
And it started to change. I started. I saw that
it started.
Speaker 4 (10:24):
To change his behavior and how he would interact because
he started to become angry and started to turn into
this other type of what had to As a mother,
I can teach I could teach him how to be
a good person. I can teach him how to treat
young ladies and his sisters. You know what I'm saying,
I can't teach him how to stand up and be
an attendant. I can't teach him, you know what I'm saying,
(10:45):
how to So now I could teach him how to
maneuver through his emotion because I'm a little bit I'm
a woman, so I'm a little bit rell versus that.
But as a as a boy. You know, it's different
for y'all how y'all process things. There are a lot
of different I can teach him, you know what I'm saying, uh,
how to be a man or how to be a
young man, because I'm not a man, but uh, I
(11:08):
so I started to build a village, incorporate how the men,
like his councan is his you know, his grandfather, in
order to kind of keep him straight and narrow, but
also to have some type of relationship with a male
figure or male father, a father figure, you know what
I'm saying, in his death.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
Actually to see how a man operates.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so I think that what women
don't realize is when a boy.
Speaker 4 (11:37):
Turns, that's when they're entering into like manhood, Like they
start to you know what I'm positioning that and they
don't know.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
And how to move that.
Speaker 3 (11:48):
I actually take a step further than that. I believe
when they're pre teens, that's when they need more interaction
with men. And the reason I say this is because
that's when they fell a consciousness of separating their how
they interact as a as a boy versus a girl.
(12:12):
And what I mean by that is, you know, women,
you all are way more in tune with your feelings. Men,
we are in tune with our feelings, but we don't
have to always show it. And I believe it's important
for us not to always show it as well. I
believe it's important to voice it and show it when necessary.
(12:34):
Those are the difference. Like you know, I remember one
time my son, he had to be j J had
to be maybe like three, and I was picking him
up from his mom and she has like two three
steep steps at the stairs and he failed down the first.
He fell down the last two, and she wanted to
(12:56):
just go and baby him so quick, and he like
he I could see it on his face. He was
waiting for a reaction, and I was like, okay, dude,
get up, and she like, I have to stop her,
I'll put my hand up towards her, like, hold up now.
And I was like, I said, okay, dude, get up,
(13:18):
like brush yoursell off, brushed yourself off. And you could
see he was kind of trying to hold back to
tears a little bit. I was like, you don't got
a cry, are you? I said, I said, does it
still hurt? He shook his head. No. I was like,
you dust your cell pH off. He does his cell phone.
He said, come over here, give me a hug, Give
me a hug. I was like, okay, he said yeah,
and he got right in the car and he was fine.
(13:41):
Now had she showed so much concern, it had been
a different reaction. He'd had totally balled out and cried
and he'd acted like he was about to die, and
you know, like like it was the worst thing ever
in the world, all because her reaction showed that he
should do that. Yeah, And that's what I believe, you know,
(14:02):
the relationship of a man and a relationship of a
woman with the child is different, especially with you know, yeah,
as a boy. And I believe, you know, just growing
up watching men in her act, I believe it's important
while they're preteens to catch that because now they understand
because they come up with a different idea and understanding
(14:24):
of why I need to act a certain play.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Right.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
I agree with that.
Speaker 4 (14:30):
As my son, my youngest son, I noticed that there
are certain changes in him with him being confident himself,
you know. And while he does have a great relationships,
his dad doesn't live in the same state in the
same city, so wow, so he sees him at like
(14:50):
blocks of time and talk to him every day. But
I noticed that, like with my oldest son, he didn't
really go through that.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
But my youngest son is living different.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
He's the baby the group.
Speaker 4 (15:00):
Too, so of all people. So uh, I agree with
that that preteen is probably definitely for a boy of
those important guars that he definitely needs, uh, his father,
you know what I'm saying, or some type of father figure,
and and let's speak, it's good to have a father figure,
but children don't necessarily understand how to fully accept that
(15:25):
as being enough your father is because it's not the
same as having their fathers and as that grew up
without her father. If you have daughters and you try
to keep them from their fathers and robbing her her
first love you know what I'm saying robbing her of
and I'm talking I ain't talking about fathers that are
(15:49):
still dead, you know, saying that a good fathers that
want to be a part of their kid's life, you
are robbing her of her first love, of an example
of what I mean.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
You know what I say, I say to a lady Jay,
even if he's not the idea father, all because he
wants to be involved, that's even more the reason why
he should be involved. I mean, you know there's no
there is no handbook on how to be a good parent.
Let's just put that out there for one anybody. There's
not a handbookfore it. So like you know, I believe
(16:24):
there's a man who really listen, Like I had. A
young lady told me this one time one another talk
show we were doing a couple of years ago, and
she was like, well, you know, he's not the idea father.
I was like, well you chose him though, m hmm.
I was like, so that don't make you the idea
of mother. If you knew he wasn't going to be
(16:45):
an idea, but you still chose to lady with him
and have a child with them, then you're not an
ideal mother, So I have to question your critical thinking
as well. I was like, so, but beyond that point
because he wants to be involved, and she was like, yes, okay,
so there's on hand book on how to be a
good parent. The fact that he wants to be involved
(17:06):
tells me that he's not going to be reckless m now,
or at least try not or at least try not
to be. How about that?
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yeah, let's come back to that point.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
At least try not to be because you know, we
we based on how you grow up, your idea of
safe environments can be different, you know what I mean.
So like, for example, I remember being around I remember
being around older cousins who could have been my uncle,
(17:42):
you know, or because of the age, the difference you know,
drinking and smoking. Now they wasn't smoking, It wasn't smoking
anything illegal. Who was always using cigarettes you know and
drinking forty ounces? You know, they made sure they watched
their language while me. But it also wasn't the idea
environment to be around, right because you're introducing me is
(18:05):
something that really isn't a good thing, you know, with
drinking and spoken. But nevertheless, you know what I'm saying,
I learned a lot of important lessons around that environment too,
you know what I mean. So, like I said, it
might not be always idea, but you know, there based
on what you get out of it and based on
what they teach you you under you know what I'm saying,
(18:28):
it could be an environment that you like, you need
to be here to learn how to maneuver.
Speaker 4 (18:33):
Right now, we also have to look at so before
we get into like how it affects pass and how
in the way that they sometimes speak to the point
where they actually give up and to be a part
of their kids' lives, because that's the factor that and
then go into you know, well, what are some of
(18:54):
the tips and stuff we can use to share and
you know, give the people to kind of help them
through these uh emotional fits if you will. When when
you get to the point so where you feel like,
either we're hurt so you don't you want to keep
(19:17):
the child from the father, or he doesn't want to anymore,
but he still wants to be a part of his kids,
you know, lives and you can't handle that, Or when
you get to the point where, well, you ain't paying
child support so you can't see your kids those are
like the three main reasons that I see women doing that.
(19:38):
And so let me just from a from a from
a woman who's been in this situation before.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
I was married. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (19:47):
I waited to get married so I had, you know,
to have kids, and that didn't work out.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
And he's you know, wasn't in our tursident. What did
he say?
Speaker 4 (19:59):
But I was determined being a being a child of
a fatherless child and.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Eventually becoming a motherless child. I know what it's like
not to have your father.
Speaker 4 (20:12):
Now, I knew how important it was, and there are
certain generational curses and things I wanted to keep my
children from and cycles I didn't want to repeat. So, okay,
as a mother, you're gonna do whatever it is that
you need to do of your kids. Right, So, whether
he's playing you child support or not, that should not
have any hearing on whether or not he gets to
(20:35):
see and spend time with his children. That is something
that he will have to answer for with concerning those
children as they get older. I think that it is
it is extremely dangerous for you as a mother and
your relationship with your child. He decided to keep them
from him simply because you're not receiving money from him
(20:58):
or child support.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
A man doesn't need to spend money to spend time
with his kids.
Speaker 4 (21:03):
He doesn't need money to teach a lesson, you know,
to his kids, to to help raise them to you
know what I'm saying, He doesn't need he doesn't need
money to do that, and that is much more important
than money, because what kids remember. Kids remember well, Daddy
took me to the skating rink and Daddy took me
to the park. And they're never going to remember, well,
(21:24):
Daddy spent twenty five dollars. You know what I'm saying,
They're not gonna remember that.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
Like, like I said, my cousin's son, I'll call my
nephew because you know, as as most black people when
you are, when you have a cousin who's so much
more older than you are that they could be your parent,
you don't call them cousin. You call them uncle or
I in most cases at least, you know, we adopted
(21:53):
that from the South, from Mississippi. So my nephew was like,
like he was, I say, totally off his mama. He
was totally off his mama. He said, all the seat
and all the like he actually seen it, you know
what I mean, He remember and like he has a
he has a memory like it's no other. So he
actually remembered times that she said something. And then when
(22:17):
he go back and asks his father about it, his
father can prove to him different and he totally remembered
the time. And you can see the bitterness on his face.
Like to even hear her name, he would roll his
eyes like me, You're like, for a five year stretch,
we're talking about a sixteen year old to about twenty
(22:38):
one going on twenty two, did not speak to his mother,
did not speak had no relationship for that long over
somebody that he was in her house from the from
the age of three by you know, by themselves into sixteen.
So he felt portrayed. That's how you felt. You know.
(23:02):
We had a conversation about it one time. You know,
he was like, I feelt portrayed, Uncle Keith, because I
felt like she held stuff with me like I should.
I could have had a better child. Not that I
had a bad one, but I could have had a
better one. He was like, you know, me and Sissy
with his sister. You know, he was like, we could
(23:22):
have had a better child like we you know, yeah,
we got to be with d every every summer and
you know, be there for two or three months, and
you know, do a whole bunch of stuff for child.
But I couldn't hand him way more. You know what
I'm saying. I could have talked to him over the phone.
Bar She restricted that when I was young and when
(23:43):
I was at home, you know where. Then when she
married her. My stepfather, you know, he used to try
to discipline me like I was his child. He was like,
you know, I wasn't doing anything extremely or bad. It's
just that you know, he wanted to show he ruled
out like I was defiant over that, because it was
just a lot of things that added up, added up up,
(24:06):
and people don't understand what they're doing. Just selfmuch bitty that.
You know, you're still growing crops. They might not be good,
but you're growing.
Speaker 4 (24:15):
Right exactly exactly. So y'all, we gotta take a quick break.
But when we come back, we're gonna get in.
Speaker 3 (24:26):
We're gonna get more to the subject.
Speaker 4 (24:28):
Yeah, yeah, when we come back, we're gonna get more
into the subject. We're gonna talk more about how to
fix the father you know what I'm saying. We we
we on how to fix the child. We don't talk
about how to fect the father, because that's important. True
there you, the dad and the child. So say we're
gonna be right. That turn into relationship follogy right here.
(24:50):
Take radio we Go Entertainment. If you're tired of hearing
the same music and content every five, ten or fifteen
minutes on air, then check out j q l M
Radio for the realist, rawest, and most relevant variety of music,
talk shows, and more. Start your days with a little
(25:12):
bit of gospel and gospel rap from four a m.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
To ten a m.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
Eastern Standard Time. I've never known you.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
To fare.
Speaker 4 (25:25):
Devil, come in to bring it the damn what tam
Man bringing it down?
Speaker 3 (25:34):
Man?
Speaker 2 (25:37):
Then get into some hot R and B. What's you're doing?
Speaker 3 (25:43):
What side?
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Some hip hop?
Speaker 1 (25:51):
Following riding?
Speaker 3 (25:55):
I was taking.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
What's up in a time and I heard that a
little bit of pop as a neo souls for the
rest of the day.
Speaker 4 (26:18):
Jq LM Radio Real wrong and reletives my head. Atlanta,
stand up, come out and support your own anointed T
shirt company, and let's talk real talk prevent gd F
(26:40):
a m. God Didn't Forget About Me Brand Launch and
Fashion Show, refreshment, fashion show, red carpet, networking and more.
It's going down on Saturday, February twenty six at BPU
Global Network Event Hall located at five five nine to
five Riverdale Road and College Park, Georgia, and it's free.
(27:02):
For more information, visit Let's Talk Real Talks dot com.
Oh and Ego Entertainment Network will be in the building.
This is an event you don't want to miss, the
GDFAM brand Launch and Fashion Show. God Didn't forget about
Me and you either. Hey there, if you can hear.
Speaker 5 (27:32):
My voice, this is Pamela host of Hospitalitt, here to
remind you that Ego Entertainment Network has a lot for
your business. Listen, honey, you need to get with it.
Ego Entertainment offers various services media coverage, red carpet services,
(27:52):
promo interviews on air that offer meat and greet services. Honey,
not to mention other event services.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
You want to get in gear.
Speaker 5 (28:02):
Ego Entertainment is empowered, greatness optimized. We're now booking and
spots are going fast. EGO serves the U, United States
and all event types. Honey. So if you are opening
a business, having a store opening.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
A restaurant opening, and you want some coverage.
Speaker 5 (28:19):
EGO Entertainment is the way to go. Call or texts
three one seven, eight eighty six zero two ninety six
or go to Ego Entertainmentnet dot com.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
All right, and we are back.
Speaker 4 (28:38):
You are tuned into relationship. How with you right here
on JQLM Radio, division of EGO Entertainment Network with your girl,
Lady Jay and Keith Omar.
Speaker 2 (28:46):
And we've been talking about kids not pawns.
Speaker 4 (28:49):
So before the break, we were talking about how we
as women tend to use our children to try to
control the fathers of our children when we are hurt,
when they don't want us or when he's not paying
child sup and how devastating and detrimental that can be
to that child and to your relationship with for a child.
(29:11):
So now on the flip side, before we get into
how we can fix this, because I see this a
lot in the African American community. I don't know about
the oppmmunities because I'm not a part of the Caucasian community,
the Asian community, and the other community, so I don't
know how they roll, but I know that it is.
It is a epidemic in the African American community. So
(29:31):
let me just say it that way. As far as fathers,
I know, Keith, you know, you being a father, I'm
pretty sure you can speak for the men better than
I can. What I can do, though, is share what
I've seen, you know, concerning men who have children, who
(29:52):
love their children, who wanted to be a part of
their children's lives, who were not able to. Now, I
do believe that there is only one where you should
keep your child from that father, and that is in
dangerous abusive to your child in any shape, from or fashion,
(30:12):
sexually physically putting them in harm's way consistently. I had
to deal with that myself, that is when that is
the only time that it is warrant to.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
So I don't know if you can't you speak on
a little bit. I mean, I.
Speaker 3 (30:33):
I believe what, like you know, because of fathers, we
as men, we choose to.
Speaker 5 (30:43):
Choose.
Speaker 3 (30:44):
We have been steered two not h take take take
these women work. We've been steered not to try to
(31:04):
handle it for quote unquote adult way. We get to
a point to where we're frustrated because let's call it
what it is, is the court system don't line up
for our best interests in most cases anyway, and so
we tend to be frustrated because a lot of times
(31:26):
what these mothers don't understand is even financially, we are
not in a place to where we can do for
them like they do for that for example, most women
who have to let's just take the average well, I'll
just use the averages, because I have numbers for some
of these averages. The average man makes about a third
(31:52):
less than a one the average Okay, because especially the
black as a black community, you know, not even just
the black community, but black women in general are the
most educated creatures in this country, in this country, in
the world. So if we're gonna take that, we're gonna say, okay, well,
(32:13):
since them there most educated, that means they have better
jobs than most black men. And if they have better jobs,
they have better benefits. Uh. They're like, you know, you
have pto time to where you can do more, you know,
take time off and be able to do more. You
have more vacation time because you know you have a
(32:37):
better position or a better jobs where it offers you
better benefits to where it most being. Let's just say
they work a warehouse job where they're make you almost
five to eight dollars less than an hour easily, you
know what I mean. So you you take me all
these things impacted, and I remember because I'm the one
that made the idea that we take. You know, me
(32:58):
and my son mother, we take we go down child
support literally after about three weeks after he was born.
My whole theory of doing that, I kind of regret
doing it now, but my theory for what it was,
I wanted her to make sure that she knew that
there was nothing that she was going to be able
to do to hold anything over my head to get
me to do something worth her biting if I didn't
(33:19):
want to do. I did not want to be here hostage.
I didn't want I didn't want to be here hostage
with the ideal of, well, I'm just taking the child support.
That wasn't That wasn't. I wasn't gonna go for that.
So my thing was, let me go handle that right now.
So now you also, I want to understand exactly what
(33:40):
it was that it was gonna take to me every
week to make sure I took care of that. You
know what I'm saying. I didn't want to be no surprise.
So she decided, well, I'm just gonna take your child support.
And then, you know, without warning, I got X amount
of dollars coming out of my check and I had
no expectation of it coming out now here. I am
behind it on bills and this and that, and the
(34:01):
third I didn't want to be surprised. I hear that.
So that's the reason why I did a lot of
that by myself. And I just think, you know, like
we like financially when you the average man, when this happens.
I remember going to this house for office. Literally they
asked her every question, but you know, well, how much
(34:23):
did you know did you pay your rent or mortgage?
How much is your life? How much is your gas?
How much is your water bill? How much do you pay?
How our homeworkers insurance or renners insurance? How Like, they
went through everything that she possibly had to come out
of her pocket with to assess how much house of
what was going to be. They asked me, I believe
(34:45):
three questions, and I am THEO. You know, I take
it back. They asked me two questions. Literally only asked
me two questions to assess how much money is gonna
come out from my pocket. The two questions were, mister Jackson,
do you have any other children that you paying child
support for or taken care of? And how much money
did you make? Emotual questions I was ever asked. I
(35:09):
didn't get the benefit of the album or the idea that, hey,
he has a mortgage that he has to pay. Oh, okay,
he has you know, homeowners and shurans and renners in shurs,
and you know, a car note, and and he has
to make this on the vehicles just like she does.
He has to pay a light, build a gas bell,
a water bill, like he should be, like she does.
He has like they never took in consideration, didn't care
(35:32):
if I did or didn't shouldn't like like I always thought,
well shouldn't I have taken also an idea how much
money I can come up of my pocket for also
to help help take care of raise his child. Also,
none of those deductions even get to be an ideal
or a factor when I have like these things, A
lot of people don't understand. So like these parents that
(35:55):
get mad but he hasn't paid child support, Well, you
know what, you own a struggle just like you are.
I think I always say this, you you know, like
and then all the top of all. Since child support
most states aren't state mandated, it's actually an agency that
handleson they have they have a fee. The agency has
(36:16):
a fee that the the parent who's doing the paint
has to pack. So my thing is this, I'm not
benefiting for child support taking money to make sure it's
getting paid. I'm not the beneficiary of that. But they
also expect me to pay for that. So I was like,
(36:40):
you know, like I look at these things. You know,
as you get older, you start to understand these things,
and you start to understand, you know, it's kind of like, man,
they put that, they put that in the you know,
behind the eight ball on you, and now you're playing
you know, like if you ever slip the ball behind
you got to play ketchup. They're playing ketchup. Is tough
(37:00):
thing to do, a real tough thing to do. And
I just feel like, you know, what what should happen
is they don't just such a financial tolls. Here's the
children of the background, you all, but it doesn't take
it doesn't take up just only a financial toll. That
began to take a mental toll as well, because mentally
you have to think about, then how do I gotta
(37:22):
go go by I'm trying to take care of this
child as well. And then but you know, you start
to also feel it emotionally because you have that woman
or your case about not being able to provide financially
even though you're stepping up in every other way shaping boom.
And then you also have that person sometimes in most
(37:42):
cases they bad now for you because you're not paying
because I can't afford to pay right now. But that
don't make me less than a bother. So what happens
is men start to feel lessing and then you know,
like I've seen, I've seen people get depressed. Hell I
almost got depressed in a situation like that. And as
you all know, I'm very strong, wilded, So if it
(38:04):
could break me down to that point, I just imagine
what it does to a whole lot of other people.
So like it's just a lot that people have to
take it to consideration. Like I always say, you know,
I understand you in the struggle. Like I remember myself
mother saying this to me one time, and I really
felt like that's that's that stuff she said to me, Well,
(38:25):
that's not my father, and I was saying to thinking
to myself, like, yo, this is the stuff that you're
asking me to do something extra for you so I
could take care of you know, take care of my
son or something. And you know, even though I pay
your house a board and I I help you take
(38:47):
care of your other the other two that was before him,
And you know where I stand when it comes to
helping any anything over there at that household, because it's
a benefit to any everyone at that household if I can.
But for you to fix your mouth and tell me
that's not your that's not your problem. That made me.
It made me understand something real quick. I said, I
(39:12):
shouldn't be as thoughtful. I should just take care of
my business. Lady. I can't hear you all no long now.
Speaker 4 (39:25):
I will say that everything that you said I like
I said I've seen I've heard from other men as well.
But I also want to real quick touch on the
flip side of that. Because someone who was with people
who had means to pay child support and just didn't
(39:47):
want to, you also put an extra strain on the woman.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
I can't absolutely I cannot remember the.
Speaker 4 (39:54):
Time where I was not working two jobs, a full
time job, a part time job, and going to school
take care of my kid, you know what I'm saying,
And got so tired of going down to court over
and over and over because when you in the state
of Indiana, when you're married, child support is an automatic,
ain't no, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (40:13):
That's the part. So every time I got here, that
was taking money out of my power to take care
of it.
Speaker 3 (40:23):
And I told you so. I think in my case
I'm talking about not the not the joke as from
trying to get over you know what I mean. There's
a bit.
Speaker 4 (40:33):
For me and too so for me who say doesn't
want to be putting on doesn't and he doesn't want
to be put on child support, but he just wants
to you know, my mom, You know what I'm saying,
here's you're.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Gonna do that?
Speaker 4 (40:49):
Do it on a regular basis, because she don't get
to pick and choose the day of the week that
she has to pay a bill, or that she got
right here, or does she got to buy diapers or
something like.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
She don't get the pictures that you.
Speaker 3 (41:00):
Know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (41:01):
And to be honest, whoever the child lives with the
most Uh, it just so happens that that person has
to sacrifice a woman lord, you know what I'm saying,
because it just is because she's responsible for all of
those along with you know, including that that child's expenses.
So when men, when men get into the get into
(41:25):
the habit of paying child support or is coming out
of their check. Another thing I think that can impact
them in another way, though, is when the mother understands
that this man is being a part of his child's life,
that he wants to be out of his child's life,
and he is taking care of his business financially. I
don't care if it's I don't care if he's on
minimum wage back in seven twenty five an hour. If
he's given you five dollars a week so he can
(41:48):
have he can keep a roof over his head, so
when he does come and get his child, his child
got somewhere to lay ahead. That five dollars a week
is evidence that he is trying. You know what I'm saying,
He's putting fourth effort. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (42:01):
It's consistent now when it comes to him getting the
second job or getting a better job instead of allowing
him to get on his feet. What a lot of
women do.
Speaker 4 (42:12):
They would run down and be like, oh he got
another job or oh he got a raise, so that
means I can get more money instead of trying to
bleed him dry. You know what I'm saying, co parent,
when you need extra just ask. You know now, I'm
the type of person where I didn't like asking because
you weren't consistent in paying anyway, so you didn't even
(42:34):
want to pay. So no, you do need you do
need the courts involved, because really it should be two
people coming together and both of y'all take care of
this child together. No court systems should have to force
you to take care of your child. You know what
I'm saying now, You, on the other hand, you went
down on your own, you know what I'm saying, just
so that couldn't be held over your head, which was
you know what I'm saying, which was good and cool.
Speaker 2 (42:55):
And like you said, the system is not in favor
of you know, the father. And I think it's more
so has to do with men.
Speaker 4 (43:04):
Are men are supposed to be providers, exports and things
of that stuff, So I think that is where that
comes from.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
So why they expect more and and don't really make
room for excuses and things of that sort.
Speaker 4 (43:19):
If you look at the culture and how it's set up,
even if you are a believer, it's the way it's
set up that way too. So but I think that
more women, though, need to be a little bit more
cognizant of the fact that how you present or portray
that child's father in front of them is going to
(43:40):
affect them, and it has uh and it has a.
Speaker 2 (43:46):
It will have a great.
Speaker 4 (43:47):
Impact on your relationship with your children. And what a
lot of women don't don't don't out is when that
child order the things that you think are gonna stay
in the they will come to the light. That child
will start to ask questions. When they get older, they'll
start to see how what you said about their father
(44:08):
doesn't really coincide with what they're seeing in their father
and how he's behaving and how he's moving and acting,
and they're gonna have some questions and then you're gonna
have to take the one of that, and then you
become the bad guy. So I don't know what what
advice would you have for women who feel Lady.
Speaker 3 (44:29):
Ja, I'm having a technical difficulty with you just said
so work with me. I can. I can hear you
on the phone and it's but it's real low. But
we got ten minutes left to help me because I'm
looking at the time too, like I know, I know
(44:49):
we got fir ten minutes left. So what I'm gonna
do is I'm gonna uh, I'm like I said, I'm
having a technical difference. I really can't hear. But I'm
gonna let me give you you my ending statement because
by the time my law got like log off and
trying to log back in and pop back in, you know,
I'll be at the very end of the show. So
I'm gonna say this. I'm going to say in the
situation where the manipulation happens, I think this is where
(45:13):
you have to challenge yourself to say, how do I
be the best parent I can be? You have to
challenge yourself to say that and say, Okay, in order
for me to be the best parent I can be,
that means I need to have an open line of
communication and understanding with the other parent. And as much
(45:34):
as you hate it, you have to do it because
the most important reason why you're doing this is because
that little person relies on you and that goes on
both sides of the fence. You know that little person
relies on you and you cannot let them down. And
it's a huge nutdown that if you decide you're gonna
(45:55):
let your selfishness get in the way of that, if
you decide you're gonna let your selfishness and your your
bitterness and you being upset get away with that, then
you are failing. You are a failing parent. I haven't
said that you failed yet because you you you can't
(46:16):
turn it around. But you are a failing parent if
you allow that to happen. Though. On my Facebook page,
there is a football well a Hall of Fame running
back that played in the NFL. His name is Curtis Martin.
He has an incredible story of how his father was
an abuser and at like five, at four or five,
(46:39):
four to six years old, he actually thought about stabbing
his father to death while he was sleep and he
said the only reason he didn't do it is because
he didn't feel like he was strong enough to push
the knife through his father's chest. Wow, and how he
(47:00):
like this story is so incredible. I actually if you
want to check it out, it's on my Facebook page.
Keith Omar Jackson For anybody who's listening, if you want to,
you know, if you if you want to go to
my friends and go to my page and and add
me as a friend, I'll accept it and just go
on my timeline. It's not far down. It's Curtis Martin's story.
(47:21):
Oh my god, It's like it's ridiculous. I challenge everyone
to go check that out. We're talking about especially with this,
you know, manipulating children thing and abusive relationships and so forth.
But the whole idea of how Curtis Martin he ended
up like years later after he at the NFL, and
(47:41):
I want to say, you know, after he bought his
mom or car or whatever. He's probably like three four
years in the league. They're driving by and they see
his father on a bus stop and he said, Mom,
you should pick him up. And she was like, of course,
you know, she has some choice words. And he was like, Mama,
(48:03):
I've seen you so bitter and man, and you still
are even years after you ain't dealing with him. He
was like, you ain't never gonna get that off your chair. Basically,
if you don't you know what I'm saying, If you
don't let it go, and so reluctantly she did it.
She turned around and picked him up, and she dropped
(48:27):
him off, and she said she had this overwhelming, this
overwhelming sense of relief because she did that. And I
honestly believe a lot of these women and even men,
if you stop trying to up one each other and
just focus on the child, you have so much sense
of relief and freedom, you know, because everything you do
(48:51):
is a parent you do for your children, at least
you should. You know everything you do. So I want
to leave people with that. I know we have about
ten minutes left on the show, and by the time
my log off to try to get my headset and
stuff work there, it's gonna be show gonna be o with.
So I'm gonna leave everybody with that one. Lady Jay,
I want I hope you can take it and run
(49:12):
with and close the show off, right and uh, because
for whatever reason, my headset just went out. But it's crazy,
but I just believe that you know, these parents, if
you just focus on what's really important, what's really important
is the child, h and whatever the child wants to
(49:34):
do when it comes to because like you have kids
like my son was a daddy's boy. Like when I
said daddy's boy. He used to take his coat, his hat,
his gloves, walk to the front door, sit at the
door and be like daddy, Daddy. He was like one,
two three years old at this daddy and she like
(49:55):
he at work and he'd be like, he would not
leave that front door until I got off work. And
she would call me, this boy been sitting at the
door for almost two hours. You know, I can't get
him to get away from the doors. So You're gonna
have to come get him. And I'll get off work
and I come get him. And to her credit, she
allowed it. You know what I'm saying. But people, they
(50:19):
have to understand everything is for the child and it's
not for you. The child and asked to be here,
So your negotiation is not for yourself. Your negotiations strictly
for to being the best benefit.
Speaker 2 (50:30):
Of that child. Exactly. I agree.
Speaker 4 (50:33):
So I agree with everything Keith Omar said. And to
piggyback off of that, when you have children with somebody,
first and foremost women, you have to understand that that's
who you chose to lay down with, that's who you
chose to allow to deposit into you, and that's who
you chose to go through the ten months with and
(50:56):
have that child. Now you have to take complet and
total ownership of that hold yourself accountable. If he had
kids before you laid with him and he wasn't taking
care of him and you decided to get pregnant behind that,
that's on you too. Understand that your children. Once you
(51:17):
have children, it is no longer about you. They come first.
You are not just responsible for their financial well being.
You're not just responsible to keep a roof over their head,
food you know, in their mouths, and clothes on their backs.
You are also responsible for their emotional health, their mental health,
their spiritual health.
Speaker 3 (51:38):
You but you fainded in and out on me. So
I'm gonna go ahead and try to log off now
and I will catch you a little later. I'm a
TV all radio Land. I'm sorry that I have difficulties
at the end, but I hope I got my point
across and I'm opening you all and enjoying the show.
Peace everybody.
Speaker 2 (51:59):
Yeah, so thanks Keith for his final thought.
Speaker 4 (52:03):
But as I was saying, you are responsible for all
of that as their mother, Okay, and it is selfish
for you to put your feelings above their needs, put
your wants above their needs. Having a father in their
life is a necessity. Having a relationship with their father
(52:24):
is a necessity. Whether or not he is paying child support,
whether or not he has moved on and is talking
to somebody else, with somebody else, married somebody else, have
kids with somebody else, Whether or not he hurts your feelings,
none of that matters when it comes to making sure
that your child has an opportunity to be in relationship
(52:46):
with their father. You cannot control what the man does,
who he's with, or none of that. Your job is
to forgive so you can move on, and if you don't,
then your bitterness affects your ability to be an effective parent.
Speaker 2 (53:06):
I'm telling you from experience.
Speaker 4 (53:08):
Okay, I have exposed my children to certain things they
should not have been exposed to. Not just because of
the things that I grew up in. Yes, that was
a part of it, because that's what I was taught,
that's what I learned. Those are that's the environment that
I grew up in. But adding to that, some of
(53:28):
the decisions that I made and the people that I
decided to have children with or married at that time
also played a role in that. But I have to
take responsibility to form my decisions and go do the
work so that I can be a better parent. Okay,
so my children could have what I didn't have. So
(53:51):
as a mother, I want you to really think about
that and when when you see that this man is
trying and he's trying to be a part of his
kids' lives. And yes, my kids, their father's are part
of their lives now, you know, in every shape, form
or fashion.
Speaker 2 (54:04):
Thank God for that.
Speaker 4 (54:05):
Took a lot of being the bigger person, being mature,
you know, putting my feelings on the back burner, you
know what I'm saying, and working through those of myselves
and understanding that they didn't ask to be here. And
it took a lot of forgiving, you know, and learning
how to co parent to get to this point. But
(54:28):
ultimately the goal has to be the emotional, mental, physical,
social health of that child. So understand that it's no
longer about you when you have children. Also, do not
make it difficult for that man to be in his
child or children's lives. You have a responsibility as a mother.
(54:54):
You know, you're the nurturer, You're you're the nurse, you're
the cook, you're the you know, the count unt all
of that. But you cannot be both the problem and
the solution at the same time. Do not add to
you know what I'm saying, Or do not be a
(55:15):
problem in your child's life. Don't don't sacrifice your relationship
with your children, okay, because of your bitterness.
Speaker 2 (55:24):
Don't do it. I promise you.
Speaker 4 (55:26):
It will backfire on you and you will regret it
because your children will grow up to hate.
Speaker 2 (55:31):
You or resent you.
Speaker 4 (55:34):
And you heard keep saying his cousins. His cousin did
not talk to his mother for five years. I promise you,
It happens all the time.
Speaker 2 (55:41):
Just don't do it.
Speaker 4 (55:43):
So I just really thought that today's topic was very
important because I've been seeing a lot of that floating
around social media, and it's something that I've experienced, it's
something that I know that people close to me have experienced.
So I just really wanted to shed a little bit
of light on that. And we have to do better
(56:04):
when it comes to our children. We have to do better,
and we wonder why a lot of our kids are
walking around you know what I'm saying, angry, have no
type of conflict resolution skills or any of that, because one,
they don't have an example. You can't resolve conflict with
the man you lay down with to have them and
so the one that they're around the most, they're not
(56:27):
getting that example at home, So they're watching how other
people are reacting out.
Speaker 2 (56:31):
Here, which is complete chaos. So keep that in mind.
Speaker 4 (56:35):
Just if you love your children, put them first, put
your bitterness on the back burner. Don't sacrifice your relationship
with them, and don't make it difficult for him to
be a part of his kids' lives. Understand, paying child
support or giving you money for their financial needs is
not synonymous with spending time. I'm sorry, but spending time him,
spending time with the kids will trump money every single time.
Speaker 2 (56:57):
To that kid. He's their father, not yours. So keep
that in mind.
Speaker 4 (57:04):
That is gonna be the show. And that's my final
thought tonight, y'all for relationship Oology. Shout out to Jacob Alexander,
who is the author, the writer, and the performer of
our intro and atro song for Relationship Ology. He is
JQL on Radio's own make sure you go check come
out at Jacob Alexander music dot com.
Speaker 2 (57:27):
Thank y'all for tuning in.
Speaker 4 (57:28):
You've been tuned into Relationshipology right here on JQLM Radio
with your girl, Lady Jay and Keith Omar. We'll catch
y'all next time. Oh, we will not be on next week, y'all,
because we will be in Atlanta for an event. So
we will catch y'all the week after, right here on
jql ON Radio, a division of EGO Entertainment Network.
Speaker 1 (57:50):
And I'm out the inspiration for the songs because of you,
The inspiration for the songs because of you.
Speaker 3 (58:01):
The desparration for the song because of you.
Speaker 2 (58:05):
You move, It's for you.
Speaker 3 (58:15):
Can't you think it would be bad
The inspiration for the songs because of you. The inspiration
for the songs because of you. The inspiration for the
songs because of you.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
You it's fun.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
You can't you sing? It will be bad?
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Hey, Hey, everybody can y'all hear me? I was muted
there first.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
Welcome to another episode or relationship ology that you do,
Lady Jay. And all right, so I know we've been
absent for like the last two weeks, but we had
a lot of stuff going on. So it was a
snowstorm and some other stuff. But we back before we
(01:46):
get into our topic for today. Of course, we got
to get the those formalities out of the way, y'all,
so real quick. If this is your first time tuning
into the show or to JQUO Radio and you would
like to show the friends and followers and all the
different ways to think you tune, be sure to tell
them to download the j qul on Radio app on
their Apple or Android devices. You can also listen live
via Amazon, Alexa, tune in app, stream and sim for
(02:08):
radio app, and a host of other platforms, of which
you can find located on our website at EGO entertainmentnet
dot com. Often to follow, I can share us on
social media at j q ol on Radio on.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
Speaker 4 (02:21):
You can also listen live on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter
as well. Uh ego in net follow us their e
g O e N t N can connect with us
on LinkedIn at Ego Entertainment Network. Last, but not least,
if you like Lady J, you can connect me on
social media and Lady J. Grant on Jack catche Lady
(02:47):
J dot Co. Oh that was a mouthfool, oh Wark,
go ahead, tell them how they can.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Connect with you. You can catch up with me on
Facebook and also on Instagram at Keith Omar Jackson on
Facebook and King Keith Omar at on I G.
Speaker 4 (03:11):
All right, so tonight's topic, y'all, I really feel like
I needed to do this show because plowing around social
media and I know this all too well. So now
me not personally, let me just put that out there.
Not me personally, but I know some people. So tonight's
(03:32):
topics he is, kids are not pawns.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Keith, tell me.
Speaker 4 (03:40):
What what comes to mind when when you hear kids
are not pawns?
Speaker 3 (03:45):
What close of mind is someone that's manipulating the relationship
with the other parent with a child or a parent
figure with the child to get them to do their bidding. Basically,
get them to see things their way, get from the
do things their way. Uh, they're just manipulating the situation altogether.
Speaker 4 (04:06):
Uh yeah, I'm gonna have to agree with you on that,
so I listen. I will never understand why women think
and I say women because let's be honest, ninety.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Nine percent uh people, the one are women.
Speaker 4 (04:27):
So let's just put that out there. I will never
understand why why women think that it is okay to
use their children to try to control somebody.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
And I don't understand behind that.
Speaker 4 (04:42):
When she was as older, like, they develop their own
sense of understanding and you know, personality and thinks that's
where and none time undertand it's gonna backfire.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
On you, you know.
Speaker 4 (04:54):
So let's you know what we can We can go
up couple different ways. Well, first, let's just talk about
the reasons why some women feel like it's okay to
use kids as pawns. So I'm gonna go ahead kick
this thing off and say the number one reason though,
(05:15):
is a lot of women feel some type of way
when the man don't want her no more, so she
tries to use the child to.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
Kind of bend.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
Him towards you know what I'm saying, still paying attention
to her, still giving her, you know, his time and
energy and things of that.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
Sweet. I don't know.
Speaker 4 (05:33):
What would you say are some of the other reasons
that women tend to turn to this form of trying
to make the man do what once?
Speaker 3 (05:42):
I think it's a lot to do with they want
to hurt that person because they feel hurt. I think
that's the that to me, I think that's the number
reason they want to hurt that person, because they feel
hurt by that person.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
And the best way to do that is, you know,
you quote unquote and your possession. You have something that
they care about and they love, and you are in
control of it, so you manipulate it so so you
can hurt that never understanding the idea of your hurting
the child as much as you're hurting him. So, I mean,
(06:17):
I just I think it's crazy, but you know, people
do what they do.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
I think that that is uh a good reason too.
That's another reason why a lot of women tend to
use kids as pawns.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
I think that.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
I think it is financial reasons too. You said what
financial reasons.
Speaker 4 (06:39):
Oh yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely that. Oh so yeah, we'll
get to that. So I think that it is it
is immature and unwise to, you know, respond in that manner.
So when you're hurt, you need to take time, you
(07:00):
know what I'm saying, to heal and understand too that
this child that has to be here, you know.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
And so.
Speaker 4 (07:06):
I don't think they really realize the magnitude of the
of the negative effects that they have on their kids
when they try to turn the child against the father
or keep the child from the father and doesn't need
both their mom and dad. And I mean, let's just
(07:29):
be honest. A lot of kids start to develop their
identity or try to understand who.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
They are based on dad. Now mom, but dad.
Speaker 4 (07:38):
This speaks to why the child usually carries the father's
last name, while daddy's voice carries a certain level of
authority over mama's voice. This is why mothers usually have
to speak two or three times or a rat elevator
voice in order for you to listen you know what
I'm saying versus daddy and say something.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Just his tone and you straighten up. You know, these
these are these.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
Are facts, you know what I'm saying it's not an
opinion in fracts. So I think that, uh.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
We ribe our children of.
Speaker 4 (08:12):
Discovering themselves who they are and being able to have
that much needed relationship with that when we do that
to our kids and understanding though too. When you do that,
you're trying to hurt him, but in essence you're really
hurting the child, and ultimately you'll end up hurting yourself
(08:33):
because then that child will grow up to resent you
and it could very well destroy, completely destroy your relationship
with your child.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
I have a cousin. I have a cousin who has
a child that's been through that, and when he realized
that his mother was the manipulator, he won't persentage like
offer you like. He was at a point to where
for more than five years he didn't speak to her,
(09:07):
He didn't see her for holidays. He could care less
that she sent him a birthday gift and all that.
He didn't kick because he felt so hurt because he's
heard her bad mouthless father. And then to find out
the truth because my cousin had, you know, all the
evidence in the world to show that he was doing
(09:28):
but he's supposed to be doing and try to do
more right. But she, you know, she manipulated that whole
situation once he found out out. I mean literally, he
was messing with her no more he felt when we
found out, he was like sixteen, sixteen, Yeah, so mind you,
he didn't talk to he didn't start talking to her
(09:48):
again to after twenty one.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
And see sixteen.
Speaker 4 (09:53):
At sixteen, you know, a boy is starting to become
a man and women have to stop to listen.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
I'm a mother of so let me just put this after.
I'm a mother of two sons.
Speaker 4 (10:02):
I have a seventeen year old and my youngest son
will be twelve actually next Thursday. And for the first
ten years of my oldest son's life, his father was
not president. After like, we got divorced, so he spent
a lot of his time not spending time with his
dad and not talking to his dad.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
And it started to change. I started. I saw that
it started.
Speaker 4 (10:24):
To change his behavior and how he would interact because
he started to become angry and started to turn into
this other type of what had to As a mother,
I can teach I could teach him how to be
a good person. I can teach him how to treat
young ladies and his sisters. You know what I'm saying,
I can't teach him how to stand up and be
an attendant. I can't teach him, you know what I'm saying,
(10:45):
how to So now I could teach him how to
maneuver through his emotion because I'm a little bit I'm
a woman, so I'm a little bit rell versus that.
But as a as a boy. You know, it's different
for y'all how y'all process things. There are a lot
of different I can teach him, you know what I'm saying, uh,
how to be a man or how to be a
young man, because I'm not a man, but uh, I
(11:08):
so I started to build a village, incorporate how the men,
like his councan is his you know, his grandfather, in
order to kind of keep him straight and narrow, but
also to have some type of relationship with a male
figure or male father, a father figure, you know what
I'm saying, in his death.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
Actually to see how a man operates.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so I think that what women
don't realize is when a boy.
Speaker 4 (11:37):
Turns, that's when they're entering into like manhood, Like they
start to you know what I'm positioning that and they
don't know.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
And how to move that.
Speaker 3 (11:48):
I actually take a step further than that. I believe
when they're pre teens, that's when they need more interaction
with men. And the reason I say this is because
that's when they fell a consciousness of separating their how
they interact as a as a boy versus a girl.
(12:12):
And what I mean by that is, you know, women,
you all are way more in tune with your feelings. Men,
we are in tune with our feelings, but we don't
have to always show it. And I believe it's important
for us not to always show it as well. I
believe it's important to voice it and show it when necessary.
(12:34):
Those are the difference. Like you know, I remember one
time my son, he had to be j J had
to be maybe like three, and I was picking him
up from his mom and she has like two three
steep steps at the stairs and he failed down the first.
He fell down the last two, and she wanted to
(12:56):
just go and baby him so quick, and he like
he I could see it on his face. He was
waiting for a reaction, and I was like, okay, dude,
get up, and she like, I have to stop her,
I'll put my hand up towards her, like, hold up now.
And I was like, I said, okay, dude, get up,
(13:18):
like brush yoursell off, brushed yourself off. And you could
see he was kind of trying to hold back to
tears a little bit. I was like, you don't got
a cry, are you? I said, I said, does it
still hurt? He shook his head. No. I was like,
you dust your cell pH off. He does his cell phone.
He said, come over here, give me a hug, Give
me a hug. I was like, okay, he said yeah,
and he got right in the car and he was fine.
(13:41):
Now had she showed so much concern, it had been
a different reaction. He'd had totally balled out and cried
and he'd acted like he was about to die, and
you know, like like it was the worst thing ever
in the world, all because her reaction showed that he
should do that. Yeah, And that's what I believe, you know,
(14:02):
the relationship of a man and a relationship of a
woman with the child is different, especially with you know, yeah,
as a boy. And I believe, you know, just growing
up watching men in her act, I believe it's important
while they're preteens to catch that because now they understand
because they come up with a different idea and understanding
(14:24):
of why I need to act a certain play.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Right.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
I agree with that.
Speaker 4 (14:30):
As my son, my youngest son, I noticed that there
are certain changes in him with him being confident himself,
you know. And while he does have a great relationships,
his dad doesn't live in the same state in the
same city, so wow, so he sees him at like
(14:50):
blocks of time and talk to him every day. But
I noticed that, like with my oldest son, he didn't
really go through that.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
But my youngest son is living different.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
He's the baby the group.
Speaker 4 (15:00):
Too, so of all people. So uh, I agree with
that that preteen is probably definitely for a boy of
those important guars that he definitely needs, uh, his father,
you know what I'm saying, or some type of father figure,
and and let's speak, it's good to have a father figure,
but children don't necessarily understand how to fully accept that
(15:25):
as being enough your father is because it's not the
same as having their fathers and as that grew up
without her father. If you have daughters and you try
to keep them from their fathers and robbing her her
first love you know what I'm saying robbing her of
and I'm talking I ain't talking about fathers that are
(15:49):
still dead, you know, saying that a good fathers that
want to be a part of their kid's life, you
are robbing her of her first love, of an example
of what I mean.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
You know what I say, I say to a lady Jay,
even if he's not the idea father, all because he
wants to be involved, that's even more the reason why
he should be involved. I mean, you know there's no
there is no handbook on how to be a good parent.
Let's just put that out there for one anybody. There's
not a handbookfore it. So like you know, I believe
(16:24):
there's a man who really listen, Like I had. A
young lady told me this one time one another talk
show we were doing a couple of years ago, and
she was like, well, you know, he's not the idea father.
I was like, well you chose him though, m hmm.
I was like, so that don't make you the idea
of mother. If you knew he wasn't going to be
(16:45):
an idea, but you still chose to lady with him
and have a child with them, then you're not an
ideal mother, So I have to question your critical thinking
as well. I was like, so, but beyond that point
because he wants to be involved, and she was like, yes, okay,
so there's on hand book on how to be a
good parent. The fact that he wants to be involved
(17:06):
tells me that he's not going to be reckless m now,
or at least try not or at least try not
to be. How about that?
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yeah, let's come back to that point.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
At least try not to be because you know, we
we based on how you grow up, your idea of
safe environments can be different, you know what I mean.
So like, for example, I remember being around I remember
being around older cousins who could have been my uncle,
(17:42):
you know, or because of the age, the difference you know,
drinking and smoking. Now they wasn't smoking, It wasn't smoking
anything illegal. Who was always using cigarettes you know and
drinking forty ounces? You know, they made sure they watched
their language while me. But it also wasn't the idea
environment to be around, right because you're introducing me is
(18:05):
something that really isn't a good thing, you know, with
drinking and spoken. But nevertheless, you know what I'm saying,
I learned a lot of important lessons around that environment too,
you know what I mean. So, like I said, it
might not be always idea, but you know, there based
on what you get out of it and based on
what they teach you you under you know what I'm saying,
(18:28):
it could be an environment that you like, you need
to be here to learn how to maneuver.
Speaker 4 (18:33):
Right now, we also have to look at so before
we get into like how it affects pass and how
in the way that they sometimes speak to the point
where they actually give up and to be a part
of their kids' lives, because that's the factor that and
then go into you know, well, what are some of
(18:54):
the tips and stuff we can use to share and
you know, give the people to kind of help them
through these uh emotional fits if you will. When when
you get to the point so where you feel like,
either we're hurt so you don't you want to keep
(19:17):
the child from the father, or he doesn't want to anymore,
but he still wants to be a part of his kids,
you know, lives and you can't handle that, Or when
you get to the point where, well, you ain't paying
child support so you can't see your kids those are
like the three main reasons that I see women doing that.
(19:38):
And so let me just from a from a from
a woman who's been in this situation before.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
I was married. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (19:47):
I waited to get married so I had, you know,
to have kids, and that didn't work out.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
And he's you know, wasn't in our tursident. What did
he say?
Speaker 4 (19:59):
But I was determined being a being a child of
a fatherless child and.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Eventually becoming a motherless child. I know what it's like
not to have your father.
Speaker 4 (20:12):
Now, I knew how important it was, and there are
certain generational curses and things I wanted to keep my
children from and cycles I didn't want to repeat. So, okay,
as a mother, you're gonna do whatever it is that
you need to do of your kids. Right, So, whether
he's playing you child support or not, that should not
have any hearing on whether or not he gets to
(20:35):
see and spend time with his children. That is something
that he will have to answer for with concerning those
children as they get older. I think that it is
it is extremely dangerous for you as a mother and
your relationship with your child. He decided to keep them
from him simply because you're not receiving money from him
(20:58):
or child support.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
A man doesn't need to spend money to spend time
with his kids.
Speaker 4 (21:03):
He doesn't need money to teach a lesson, you know,
to his kids, to to help raise them to you
know what I'm saying, He doesn't need he doesn't need
money to do that, and that is much more important
than money, because what kids remember. Kids remember well, Daddy
took me to the skating rink and Daddy took me
to the park. And they're never going to remember, well,
(21:24):
Daddy spent twenty five dollars. You know what I'm saying,
They're not gonna remember that.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
Like, like I said, my cousin's son, I'll call my
nephew because you know, as as most black people when
you are, when you have a cousin who's so much
more older than you are that they could be your parent,
you don't call them cousin. You call them uncle or
I in most cases at least, you know, we adopted
(21:53):
that from the South, from Mississippi. So my nephew was like,
like he was, I say, totally off his mama. He
was totally off his mama. He said, all the seat
and all the like he actually seen it, you know
what I mean, He remember and like he has a
he has a memory like it's no other. So he
actually remembered times that she said something. And then when
(22:17):
he go back and asks his father about it, his
father can prove to him different and he totally remembered
the time. And you can see the bitterness on his face.
Like to even hear her name, he would roll his
eyes like me, You're like, for a five year stretch,
we're talking about a sixteen year old to about twenty
(22:38):
one going on twenty two, did not speak to his mother,
did not speak had no relationship for that long over
somebody that he was in her house from the from
the age of three by you know, by themselves into sixteen.
So he felt portrayed. That's how you felt. You know.
(23:02):
We had a conversation about it one time. You know,
he was like, I feelt portrayed, Uncle Keith, because I
felt like she held stuff with me like I should.
I could have had a better child. Not that I
had a bad one, but I could have had a
better one. He was like, you know, me and Sissy
with his sister. You know, he was like, we could
(23:22):
have had a better child like we you know, yeah,
we got to be with d every every summer and
you know, be there for two or three months, and
you know, do a whole bunch of stuff for child.
But I couldn't hand him way more. You know what
I'm saying. I could have talked to him over the phone.
Bar She restricted that when I was young and when
(23:43):
I was at home, you know where. Then when she
married her. My stepfather, you know, he used to try
to discipline me like I was his child. He was like,
you know, I wasn't doing anything extremely or bad. It's
just that you know, he wanted to show he ruled
out like I was defiant over that, because it was
just a lot of things that added up, added up up,
(24:06):
and people don't understand what they're doing. Just selfmuch bitty that.
You know, you're still growing crops. They might not be good,
but you're growing.
Speaker 4 (24:15):
Right exactly exactly. So y'all, we gotta take a quick break.
But when we come back, we're gonna get in.
Speaker 3 (24:26):
We're gonna get more to the subject.
Speaker 4 (24:28):
Yeah, yeah, when we come back, we're gonna get more
into the subject. We're gonna talk more about how to
fix the father you know what I'm saying. We we
we on how to fix the child. We don't talk
about how to fect the father, because that's important. True
there you, the dad and the child. So say we're
gonna be right. That turn into relationship follogy right here.
(24:50):
Take radio we Go Entertainment. If you're tired of hearing
the same music and content every five, ten or fifteen
minutes on air, then check out j q l M
Radio for the realist, rawest, and most relevant variety of music,
talk shows, and more. Start your days with a little
(25:12):
bit of gospel and gospel rap from four a m.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
To ten a m.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
Eastern Standard Time. I've never known you.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
To fare.
Speaker 4 (25:25):
Devil, come in to bring it the damn what tam
Man bringing it down?
Speaker 3 (25:34):
Man?
Speaker 2 (25:37):
Then get into some hot R and B. What's you're doing?
Speaker 3 (25:43):
What side?
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Some hip hop?
Speaker 1 (25:51):
Following riding?
Speaker 3 (25:55):
I was taking.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
What's up in a time and I heard that a
little bit of pop as a neo souls for the
rest of the day.
Speaker 4 (26:18):
Jq LM Radio Real wrong and reletives my head. Atlanta,
stand up, come out and support your own anointed T
shirt company, and let's talk real talk prevent gd F
(26:40):
a m. God Didn't Forget About Me Brand Launch and
Fashion Show, refreshment, fashion show, red carpet, networking and more.
It's going down on Saturday, February twenty six at BPU
Global Network Event Hall located at five five nine to
five Riverdale Road and College Park, Georgia, and it's free.
(27:02):
For more information, visit Let's Talk Real Talks dot com.
Oh and Ego Entertainment Network will be in the building.
This is an event you don't want to miss, the
GDFAM brand Launch and Fashion Show. God Didn't forget about
Me and you either. Hey there, if you can hear.
Speaker 5 (27:32):
My voice, this is Pamela host of Hospitalitt, here to
remind you that Ego Entertainment Network has a lot for
your business. Listen, honey, you need to get with it.
Ego Entertainment offers various services media coverage, red carpet services,
(27:52):
promo interviews on air that offer meat and greet services. Honey,
not to mention other event services.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
You want to get in gear.
Speaker 5 (28:02):
Ego Entertainment is empowered, greatness optimized. We're now booking and
spots are going fast. EGO serves the U, United States
and all event types. Honey. So if you are opening
a business, having a store opening.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
A restaurant opening, and you want some coverage.
Speaker 5 (28:19):
EGO Entertainment is the way to go. Call or texts
three one seven, eight eighty six zero two ninety six
or go to Ego Entertainmentnet dot com.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
All right, and we are back.
Speaker 4 (28:38):
You are tuned into relationship. How with you right here
on JQLM Radio, division of EGO Entertainment Network with your girl,
Lady Jay and Keith Omar.
Speaker 2 (28:46):
And we've been talking about kids not pawns.
Speaker 4 (28:49):
So before the break, we were talking about how we
as women tend to use our children to try to
control the fathers of our children when we are hurt,
when they don't want us or when he's not paying
child sup and how devastating and detrimental that can be
to that child and to your relationship with for a child.
(29:11):
So now on the flip side, before we get into
how we can fix this, because I see this a
lot in the African American community. I don't know about
the oppmmunities because I'm not a part of the Caucasian community,
the Asian community, and the other community, so I don't
know how they roll, but I know that it is.
It is a epidemic in the African American community. So
(29:31):
let me just say it that way. As far as fathers,
I know, Keith, you know, you being a father, I'm
pretty sure you can speak for the men better than
I can. What I can do, though, is share what
I've seen, you know, concerning men who have children, who
(29:52):
love their children, who wanted to be a part of
their children's lives, who were not able to. Now, I
do believe that there is only one where you should
keep your child from that father, and that is in
dangerous abusive to your child in any shape, from or fashion,
(30:12):
sexually physically putting them in harm's way consistently. I had
to deal with that myself, that is when that is
the only time that it is warrant to.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
So I don't know if you can't you speak on
a little bit. I mean, I.
Speaker 3 (30:33):
I believe what, like you know, because of fathers, we
as men, we choose to.
Speaker 5 (30:43):
Choose.
Speaker 3 (30:44):
We have been steered two not h take take take
these women work. We've been steered not to try to
(31:04):
handle it for quote unquote adult way. We get to
a point to where we're frustrated because let's call it
what it is, is the court system don't line up
for our best interests in most cases anyway, and so
we tend to be frustrated because a lot of times
(31:26):
what these mothers don't understand is even financially, we are
not in a place to where we can do for
them like they do for that for example, most women
who have to let's just take the average well, I'll
just use the averages, because I have numbers for some
of these averages. The average man makes about a third
(31:52):
less than a one the average Okay, because especially the
black as a black community, you know, not even just
the black community, but black women in general are the
most educated creatures in this country, in this country, in
the world. So if we're gonna take that, we're gonna say, okay, well,
(32:13):
since them there most educated, that means they have better
jobs than most black men. And if they have better jobs,
they have better benefits. Uh. They're like, you know, you
have pto time to where you can do more, you know,
take time off and be able to do more. You
have more vacation time because you know you have a
(32:37):
better position or a better jobs where it offers you
better benefits to where it most being. Let's just say
they work a warehouse job where they're make you almost
five to eight dollars less than an hour easily, you
know what I mean. So you you take me all
these things impacted, and I remember because I'm the one
that made the idea that we take. You know, me
(32:58):
and my son mother, we take we go down child
support literally after about three weeks after he was born.
My whole theory of doing that, I kind of regret
doing it now, but my theory for what it was,
I wanted her to make sure that she knew that
there was nothing that she was going to be able
to do to hold anything over my head to get
me to do something worth her biting if I didn't
(33:19):
want to do. I did not want to be here hostage.
I didn't want I didn't want to be here hostage
with the ideal of, well, I'm just taking the child support.
That wasn't That wasn't. I wasn't gonna go for that.
So my thing was, let me go handle that right now.
So now you also, I want to understand exactly what
(33:40):
it was that it was gonna take to me every
week to make sure I took care of that. You
know what I'm saying. I didn't want to be no surprise.
So she decided, well, I'm just gonna take your child support.
And then, you know, without warning, I got X amount
of dollars coming out of my check and I had
no expectation of it coming out now here. I am
behind it on bills and this and that, and the
(34:01):
third I didn't want to be surprised. I hear that.
So that's the reason why I did a lot of
that by myself. And I just think, you know, like
we like financially when you the average man, when this happens.
I remember going to this house for office. Literally they
asked her every question, but you know, well, how much
(34:23):
did you know did you pay your rent or mortgage?
How much is your life? How much is your gas?
How much is your water bill? How much do you pay?
How our homeworkers insurance or renners insurance? How Like, they
went through everything that she possibly had to come out
of her pocket with to assess how much house of
what was going to be. They asked me, I believe
(34:45):
three questions, and I am THEO. You know, I take
it back. They asked me two questions. Literally only asked
me two questions to assess how much money is gonna
come out from my pocket. The two questions were, mister Jackson,
do you have any other children that you paying child
support for or taken care of? And how much money
did you make? Emotual questions I was ever asked. I
(35:09):
didn't get the benefit of the album or the idea that, hey,
he has a mortgage that he has to pay. Oh, okay,
he has you know, homeowners and shurans and renners in shurs,
and you know, a car note, and and he has
to make this on the vehicles just like she does.
He has to pay a light, build a gas bell,
a water bill, like he should be, like she does.
He has like they never took in consideration, didn't care
(35:32):
if I did or didn't shouldn't like like I always thought,
well shouldn't I have taken also an idea how much
money I can come up of my pocket for also
to help help take care of raise his child. Also,
none of those deductions even get to be an ideal
or a factor when I have like these things, A
lot of people don't understand. So like these parents that
(35:55):
get mad but he hasn't paid child support, Well, you
know what, you own a struggle just like you are.
I think I always say this, you you know, like
and then all the top of all. Since child support
most states aren't state mandated, it's actually an agency that
handleson they have they have a fee. The agency has
(36:16):
a fee that the the parent who's doing the paint
has to pack. So my thing is this, I'm not
benefiting for child support taking money to make sure it's
getting paid. I'm not the beneficiary of that. But they
also expect me to pay for that. So I was like,
(36:40):
you know, like I look at these things. You know,
as you get older, you start to understand these things,
and you start to understand, you know, it's kind of like, man,
they put that, they put that in the you know,
behind the eight ball on you, and now you're playing
you know, like if you ever slip the ball behind
you got to play ketchup. They're playing ketchup. Is tough
(37:00):
thing to do, a real tough thing to do. And
I just feel like, you know, what what should happen
is they don't just such a financial tolls. Here's the
children of the background, you all, but it doesn't take
it doesn't take up just only a financial toll. That
began to take a mental toll as well, because mentally
you have to think about, then how do I gotta
(37:22):
go go by I'm trying to take care of this
child as well. And then but you know, you start
to also feel it emotionally because you have that woman
or your case about not being able to provide financially
even though you're stepping up in every other way shaping boom.
And then you also have that person sometimes in most
(37:42):
cases they bad now for you because you're not paying
because I can't afford to pay right now. But that
don't make me less than a bother. So what happens
is men start to feel lessing and then you know,
like I've seen, I've seen people get depressed. Hell I
almost got depressed in a situation like that. And as
you all know, I'm very strong, wilded, So if it
(38:04):
could break me down to that point, I just imagine
what it does to a whole lot of other people.
So like it's just a lot that people have to
take it to consideration. Like I always say, you know,
I understand you in the struggle. Like I remember myself
mother saying this to me one time, and I really
felt like that's that's that stuff she said to me, Well,
(38:25):
that's not my father, and I was saying to thinking
to myself, like, yo, this is the stuff that you're
asking me to do something extra for you so I
could take care of you know, take care of my
son or something. And you know, even though I pay
your house a board and I I help you take
(38:47):
care of your other the other two that was before him,
And you know where I stand when it comes to
helping any anything over there at that household, because it's
a benefit to any everyone at that household if I can.
But for you to fix your mouth and tell me
that's not your that's not your problem. That made me.
It made me understand something real quick. I said, I
(39:12):
shouldn't be as thoughtful. I should just take care of
my business. Lady. I can't hear you all no long now.
Speaker 4 (39:25):
I will say that everything that you said I like
I said I've seen I've heard from other men as well.
But I also want to real quick touch on the
flip side of that. Because someone who was with people
who had means to pay child support and just didn't
(39:47):
want to, you also put an extra strain on the woman.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
I can't absolutely I cannot remember the.
Speaker 4 (39:54):
Time where I was not working two jobs, a full
time job, a part time job, and going to school
take care of my kid, you know what I'm saying,
And got so tired of going down to court over
and over and over because when you in the state
of Indiana, when you're married, child support is an automatic,
ain't no, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (40:13):
That's the part. So every time I got here, that
was taking money out of my power to take care
of it.
Speaker 3 (40:23):
And I told you so. I think in my case
I'm talking about not the not the joke as from
trying to get over you know what I mean. There's
a bit.
Speaker 4 (40:33):
For me and too so for me who say doesn't
want to be putting on doesn't and he doesn't want
to be put on child support, but he just wants
to you know, my mom, You know what I'm saying,
here's you're.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Gonna do that?
Speaker 4 (40:49):
Do it on a regular basis, because she don't get
to pick and choose the day of the week that
she has to pay a bill, or that she got
right here, or does she got to buy diapers or
something like.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
She don't get the pictures that you.
Speaker 3 (41:00):
Know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (41:01):
And to be honest, whoever the child lives with the
most Uh, it just so happens that that person has
to sacrifice a woman lord, you know what I'm saying,
because it just is because she's responsible for all of
those along with you know, including that that child's expenses.
So when men, when men get into the get into
(41:25):
the habit of paying child support or is coming out
of their check. Another thing I think that can impact
them in another way, though, is when the mother understands
that this man is being a part of his child's life,
that he wants to be out of his child's life,
and he is taking care of his business financially. I
don't care if it's I don't care if he's on
minimum wage back in seven twenty five an hour. If
he's given you five dollars a week so he can
(41:48):
have he can keep a roof over his head, so
when he does come and get his child, his child
got somewhere to lay ahead. That five dollars a week
is evidence that he is trying. You know what I'm saying,
He's putting fourth effort. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (42:01):
It's consistent now when it comes to him getting the
second job or getting a better job instead of allowing
him to get on his feet. What a lot of
women do.
Speaker 4 (42:12):
They would run down and be like, oh he got
another job or oh he got a raise, so that
means I can get more money instead of trying to
bleed him dry. You know what I'm saying, co parent,
when you need extra just ask. You know now, I'm
the type of person where I didn't like asking because
you weren't consistent in paying anyway, so you didn't even
(42:34):
want to pay. So no, you do need you do
need the courts involved, because really it should be two
people coming together and both of y'all take care of
this child together. No court systems should have to force
you to take care of your child. You know what
I'm saying now, You, on the other hand, you went
down on your own, you know what I'm saying, just
so that couldn't be held over your head, which was
you know what I'm saying, which was good and cool.
Speaker 2 (42:55):
And like you said, the system is not in favor
of you know, the father. And I think it's more
so has to do with men.
Speaker 4 (43:04):
Are men are supposed to be providers, exports and things
of that stuff, So I think that is where that
comes from.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
So why they expect more and and don't really make
room for excuses and things of that sort.
Speaker 4 (43:19):
If you look at the culture and how it's set up,
even if you are a believer, it's the way it's
set up that way too. So but I think that
more women, though, need to be a little bit more
cognizant of the fact that how you present or portray
that child's father in front of them is going to
(43:40):
affect them, and it has uh and it has a.
Speaker 2 (43:46):
It will have a great.
Speaker 4 (43:47):
Impact on your relationship with your children. And what a
lot of women don't don't don't out is when that
child order the things that you think are gonna stay
in the they will come to the light. That child
will start to ask questions. When they get older, they'll
start to see how what you said about their father
(44:08):
doesn't really coincide with what they're seeing in their father
and how he's behaving and how he's moving and acting,
and they're gonna have some questions and then you're gonna
have to take the one of that, and then you
become the bad guy. So I don't know what what
advice would you have for women who feel Lady.
Speaker 3 (44:29):
Ja, I'm having a technical difficulty with you just said
so work with me. I can. I can hear you
on the phone and it's but it's real low. But
we got ten minutes left to help me because I'm
looking at the time too, like I know, I know
(44:49):
we got fir ten minutes left. So what I'm gonna
do is I'm gonna uh, I'm like I said, I'm
having a technical difference. I really can't hear. But I'm
gonna let me give you you my ending statement because
by the time my law got like log off and
trying to log back in and pop back in, you know,
I'll be at the very end of the show. So
I'm gonna say this. I'm going to say in the
situation where the manipulation happens, I think this is where
(45:13):
you have to challenge yourself to say, how do I
be the best parent I can be? You have to
challenge yourself to say that and say, Okay, in order
for me to be the best parent I can be,
that means I need to have an open line of
communication and understanding with the other parent. And as much
(45:34):
as you hate it, you have to do it because
the most important reason why you're doing this is because
that little person relies on you and that goes on
both sides of the fence. You know that little person
relies on you and you cannot let them down. And
it's a huge nutdown that if you decide you're gonna
(45:55):
let your selfishness get in the way of that, if
you decide you're gonna let your selfishness and your your
bitterness and you being upset get away with that, then
you are failing. You are a failing parent. I haven't
said that you failed yet because you you you can't
(46:16):
turn it around. But you are a failing parent if
you allow that to happen. Though. On my Facebook page,
there is a football well a Hall of Fame running
back that played in the NFL. His name is Curtis Martin.
He has an incredible story of how his father was
an abuser and at like five, at four or five,
(46:39):
four to six years old, he actually thought about stabbing
his father to death while he was sleep and he
said the only reason he didn't do it is because
he didn't feel like he was strong enough to push
the knife through his father's chest. Wow, and how he
(47:00):
like this story is so incredible. I actually if you
want to check it out, it's on my Facebook page.
Keith Omar Jackson For anybody who's listening, if you want to,
you know, if you if you want to go to
my friends and go to my page and and add
me as a friend, I'll accept it and just go
on my timeline. It's not far down. It's Curtis Martin's story.
(47:21):
Oh my god, It's like it's ridiculous. I challenge everyone
to go check that out. We're talking about especially with this,
you know, manipulating children thing and abusive relationships and so forth.
But the whole idea of how Curtis Martin he ended
up like years later after he at the NFL, and
(47:41):
I want to say, you know, after he bought his
mom or car or whatever. He's probably like three four
years in the league. They're driving by and they see
his father on a bus stop and he said, Mom,
you should pick him up. And she was like, of course,
you know, she has some choice words. And he was like, Mama,
(48:03):
I've seen you so bitter and man, and you still
are even years after you ain't dealing with him. He
was like, you ain't never gonna get that off your chair. Basically,
if you don't you know what I'm saying, If you
don't let it go, and so reluctantly she did it.
She turned around and picked him up, and she dropped
(48:27):
him off, and she said she had this overwhelming, this
overwhelming sense of relief because she did that. And I
honestly believe a lot of these women and even men,
if you stop trying to up one each other and
just focus on the child, you have so much sense
of relief and freedom, you know, because everything you do
(48:51):
is a parent you do for your children, at least
you should. You know everything you do. So I want
to leave people with that. I know we have about
ten minutes left on the show, and by the time
my log off to try to get my headset and
stuff work there, it's gonna be show gonna be o with.
So I'm gonna leave everybody with that one. Lady Jay,
I want I hope you can take it and run
(49:12):
with and close the show off, right and uh, because
for whatever reason, my headset just went out. But it's crazy,
but I just believe that you know, these parents, if
you just focus on what's really important, what's really important
is the child, h and whatever the child wants to
(49:34):
do when it comes to because like you have kids
like my son was a daddy's boy. Like when I
said daddy's boy. He used to take his coat, his hat,
his gloves, walk to the front door, sit at the
door and be like daddy, Daddy. He was like one,
two three years old at this daddy and she like
(49:55):
he at work and he'd be like, he would not
leave that front door until I got off work. And
she would call me, this boy been sitting at the
door for almost two hours. You know, I can't get
him to get away from the doors. So You're gonna
have to come get him. And I'll get off work
and I come get him. And to her credit, she
allowed it. You know what I'm saying. But people, they
(50:19):
have to understand everything is for the child and it's
not for you. The child and asked to be here,
So your negotiation is not for yourself. Your negotiations strictly
for to being the best benefit.
Speaker 2 (50:30):
Of that child. Exactly. I agree.
Speaker 4 (50:33):
So I agree with everything Keith Omar said. And to
piggyback off of that, when you have children with somebody,
first and foremost women, you have to understand that that's
who you chose to lay down with, that's who you
chose to allow to deposit into you, and that's who
you chose to go through the ten months with and
(50:56):
have that child. Now you have to take complet and
total ownership of that hold yourself accountable. If he had
kids before you laid with him and he wasn't taking
care of him and you decided to get pregnant behind that,
that's on you too. Understand that your children. Once you
(51:17):
have children, it is no longer about you. They come first.
You are not just responsible for their financial well being.
You're not just responsible to keep a roof over their head,
food you know, in their mouths, and clothes on their backs.
You are also responsible for their emotional health, their mental health,
their spiritual health.
Speaker 3 (51:38):
You but you fainded in and out on me. So
I'm gonna go ahead and try to log off now
and I will catch you a little later. I'm a
TV all radio Land. I'm sorry that I have difficulties
at the end, but I hope I got my point
across and I'm opening you all and enjoying the show.
Peace everybody.
Speaker 2 (51:59):
Yeah, so thanks Keith for his final thought.
Speaker 4 (52:03):
But as I was saying, you are responsible for all
of that as their mother, Okay, and it is selfish
for you to put your feelings above their needs, put
your wants above their needs. Having a father in their
life is a necessity. Having a relationship with their father
(52:24):
is a necessity. Whether or not he is paying child support,
whether or not he has moved on and is talking
to somebody else, with somebody else, married somebody else, have
kids with somebody else, Whether or not he hurts your feelings,
none of that matters when it comes to making sure
that your child has an opportunity to be in relationship
(52:46):
with their father. You cannot control what the man does,
who he's with, or none of that. Your job is
to forgive so you can move on, and if you don't,
then your bitterness affects your ability to be an effective parent.
Speaker 2 (53:06):
I'm telling you from experience.
Speaker 4 (53:08):
Okay, I have exposed my children to certain things they
should not have been exposed to. Not just because of
the things that I grew up in. Yes, that was
a part of it, because that's what I was taught,
that's what I learned. Those are that's the environment that
I grew up in. But adding to that, some of
(53:28):
the decisions that I made and the people that I
decided to have children with or married at that time
also played a role in that. But I have to
take responsibility to form my decisions and go do the
work so that I can be a better parent. Okay,
so my children could have what I didn't have. So
(53:51):
as a mother, I want you to really think about
that and when when you see that this man is
trying and he's trying to be a part of his
kids' lives. And yes, my kids, their father's are part
of their lives now, you know, in every shape, form
or fashion.
Speaker 2 (54:04):
Thank God for that.
Speaker 4 (54:05):
Took a lot of being the bigger person, being mature,
you know, putting my feelings on the back burner, you
know what I'm saying, and working through those of myselves
and understanding that they didn't ask to be here. And
it took a lot of forgiving, you know, and learning
how to co parent to get to this point. But
(54:28):
ultimately the goal has to be the emotional, mental, physical,
social health of that child. So understand that it's no
longer about you when you have children. Also, do not
make it difficult for that man to be in his
child or children's lives. You have a responsibility as a mother.
(54:54):
You know, you're the nurturer, You're you're the nurse, you're
the cook, you're the you know, the count unt all
of that. But you cannot be both the problem and
the solution at the same time. Do not add to
you know what I'm saying, Or do not be a
(55:15):
problem in your child's life. Don't don't sacrifice your relationship
with your children, okay, because of your bitterness.
Speaker 2 (55:24):
Don't do it. I promise you.
Speaker 4 (55:26):
It will backfire on you and you will regret it
because your children will grow up to hate.
Speaker 2 (55:31):
You or resent you.
Speaker 4 (55:34):
And you heard keep saying his cousins. His cousin did
not talk to his mother for five years. I promise you,
It happens all the time.
Speaker 2 (55:41):
Just don't do it.
Speaker 4 (55:43):
So I just really thought that today's topic was very
important because I've been seeing a lot of that floating
around social media, and it's something that I've experienced, it's
something that I know that people close to me have experienced.
So I just really wanted to shed a little bit
of light on that. And we have to do better
(56:04):
when it comes to our children. We have to do better,
and we wonder why a lot of our kids are
walking around you know what I'm saying, angry, have no
type of conflict resolution skills or any of that, because one,
they don't have an example. You can't resolve conflict with
the man you lay down with to have them and
so the one that they're around the most, they're not
(56:27):
getting that example at home, So they're watching how other
people are reacting out.
Speaker 2 (56:31):
Here, which is complete chaos. So keep that in mind.
Speaker 4 (56:35):
Just if you love your children, put them first, put
your bitterness on the back burner. Don't sacrifice your relationship
with them, and don't make it difficult for him to
be a part of his kids' lives. Understand, paying child
support or giving you money for their financial needs is
not synonymous with spending time. I'm sorry, but spending time him,
spending time with the kids will trump money every single time.
Speaker 2 (56:57):
To that kid. He's their father, not yours. So keep
that in mind.
Speaker 4 (57:04):
That is gonna be the show. And that's my final
thought tonight, y'all for relationship Oology. Shout out to Jacob Alexander,
who is the author, the writer, and the performer of
our intro and atro song for Relationship Ology. He is
JQL on Radio's own make sure you go check come
out at Jacob Alexander music dot com.
Speaker 2 (57:27):
Thank y'all for tuning in.
Speaker 4 (57:28):
You've been tuned into Relationshipology right here on JQLM Radio
with your girl, Lady Jay and Keith Omar. We'll catch
y'all next time. Oh, we will not be on next week, y'all,
because we will be in Atlanta for an event. So
we will catch y'all the week after, right here on
jql ON Radio, a division of EGO Entertainment Network.
Speaker 1 (57:50):
And I'm out the inspiration for the songs because of you,
The inspiration for the songs because of you.
Speaker 3 (58:01):
The desparration for the song because of you.
Speaker 2 (58:05):
You move, It's for you.
Speaker 3 (58:15):
Can't you think it would be bad
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!