TRAUMATIZED MEN

Listen as Lady J and Mark discuss the behaviors and flags of men who were traumatized or hurt in past relationships and how they allow those to negatively affect their current relationships.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:30):
Good evening, good evening, good evening everyone. Welcome to Pillow
talk y'all. We are so happy to be back on air.
So this is your girl, Lady Jay, and you are
tuned in to Pillow Talk right here on jq l
M Radio, division of Ego Entertainment Network. So, man, do
we have a show for y'all tonight. So why don't

(00:52):
you share? Share, Share, Invite people, Invite people, invite people,
because tonight we are going to be talking about Trump
one tized me in in relationships. So before we get
started though, let's get the formalities out of the way
real quick.

Speaker 2 (01:10):
So if you are not a.

Speaker 1 (01:13):
I'll say a frequent listener of JQL and Radio, you
should be make sure that you download JQL and Radio app.
If not, you can tune in through Alexa. You can
tune in through our Facebook page to click on the
use app button. There you can use the tune in
app or the Streaming Simple Radio app, or from our
website at www dot Ego entertainmentnet dot com. Also make

(01:34):
sure you follow, like, and share us on social media
at JQLM Radio on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Also follow
Pillow talk y'all on Facebook and join the pillow Talk group.
It is called pillow Talk. You can find us on
Facebook at pillow Talk, JQL on radio. All right, that's
the at pillow Talk at JQL on radio, and then
join the pillow Talk group. So now that we have

(01:57):
that other way, and y'all know how we do we
get into the topic. If we have a poll, we're
going to read some of those comments and things of
that sort. Also, we're going to open up phone lines
tonight for you all to call in, all right and
give your two cents on the topic. So the topic
tonight is traumatized men and relationships. And I conducted a

(02:20):
poll on social media a few weeks ago, and I
asked three questions under this. The first question was, fellas
and ladies, what are some signs that men show in
current relationships they were traumatized by past relationships? And the
second question, I was a follow up, was why is
it hard for men to accept and admit to relationship trauma?

(02:42):
Why are they opposed to getting help? And the last
question was what steps can be taken to encourage men
to get help concerning their relationship traumas and pointing blame.
So let's see what some of y'all have to say,
so under what are some signs that men show in
current relationships that they were traumatized by past relationships? Here

(03:03):
were some of the responses. Kimberly says, when all they
want to do is talk about what their ex did
to them, that's a good, good one, definitely a sign. Also,
Christin Matthew says, trust issues and loyalty and always being
accused of something we don't something we're not doing without proof.

(03:26):
Kelly Robinson says, when they stopped doing what they did
in the beginning to get you because they start switching
up on you. No communication when the beginning y'all used
to talk about any and everything. Whoo, that's a good
that's a good one too. Charles Jimmison says argumentative and
shutting down when communication is needed the most. Let me
tell y'all I can definitely relate to that one. That's

(03:47):
a good one too. Jane Taylor says no communication at all,
and then they just keep on and going on. And
Marlin actually says they got too many stop signs and
deal breakers. So mark being you want to throw in
a couple there, not really throwing a couple, but I
will say that.

Speaker 3 (04:10):
I was thinking more along the lines of what Marlon
was saying about somebody that has too many too many
uh stops, red red red stop signs, I'm not gonna
do this, or I'm not gonna do that, or uh no,
I ain't gonna do this most of the time, and
then we're talking about it varies in degrees depending on

(04:33):
your age and stuff like that. If you're young and
you got all these this list of things that you're
not gonna do or you're not gonna allow yourself to
be a part of, and this, that and the other,
you you're not even dealing with relationship traumpa. You're dealing
with like childhood traumas somebody that told you about all
this stuff to be afraid of in a relationship. But

(04:55):
when you get older, I think most people, men and
women have altered their stances on things based off of
what has hurt them in the past or aka trauma.
So I was thinking more along lines of what Marlon
was saying, and also in the in the spirit of

(05:18):
being consistent this whole show, I'm not going to be
talking about, well the ladies do blah blah blah blah blah,
because I hate when people do that.

Speaker 1 (05:27):
Yeah, because we've been on Ladies a Couple for the
last last few shows, so I decided we need to
switch back over to the men. And this is I
feel like this is a relevant topic one we're talking about.
This is domestic violence a month, and men do undergo
domestic violence, and so men entering into traumatic relationships. Even
though men entering into relationships that have been traumatized, some

(05:48):
of them don't are in denial and some of them
don't even feel like, you know, it's traumatizing just because
you know, he's not abusive to the woman at least
in his mind in any shape, form or fashion.

Speaker 2 (05:59):
It could be other things that are deal breakers.

Speaker 3 (06:02):
So abused though, I think that's something that people need
to open their minds and a little bit about because
when we talk about abuse, if you say the word abuse,
the image in your head is of a man hitting
a woman. That's nine times out of ten. But that's
not the only form of abuse. If you have if
you are a woman that runs a man down and

(06:23):
talks crazy to him all the time, are if you're
the type of woman who who hits on your man
because you think that he's not going to do anything,
or you feel like he shouldn't do anything because he's
a man. That leads to trauma.

Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yeah, so so let's look at Kristen says or no, Kelly,
So men who stopped doing what they did to get
you in the beginning and their communication starts to dwindle.
Charles a guy who is argumentative and then he shuts

(07:02):
down when communicated as needed. Most so he went into
more detail about when there are issues in the relationship
that need to be addressed. And you know, men, listen,
I know men. I've been in relationships with men who
don't like to hear negative things about themselves. They want

(07:24):
to point out things about you. They want you to
modify the behavior, and then they don't feel like they
need to. They think they're always right because you know,
women are more susceptible to you know, going into relationships.
Who are you know, traumatized or having some serious issues.
Men have issues too, and I don't and they act

(07:44):
like they don't want to see it. They don't want
to hear it, they don't want to hear you. So
that is really really a good point, especially coming from
a man.

Speaker 3 (07:52):
Also, I don't think it's even to that point where
dudes don't want to see trauma. I think most guys
are kind of matter of fact when it comes to
if you have an issue, or if there's an issue,
fix it. If there's a problem, then change it. It's
just how they've learned to change that behavior or how
they've learned to fix that behavior.

Speaker 2 (08:14):
Yeah, but men don't typically.

Speaker 1 (08:17):
The point is when women bring an issue to a
guy about something, it's always well, know you, it's your
perspective or now it's like if I'm telling you that
when you hit me, you that hurts and you're saying, well,
no it doesn't because I didn't hit you that hard.

Speaker 2 (08:30):
It's the same thing.

Speaker 1 (08:32):
It's and it's it's almost like it because he doesn't
feel like it is, or because he thinks that you're
over the top or or tripping or overreacting.

Speaker 2 (08:41):
Or whatever the case may be, then that's what it is.

Speaker 1 (08:43):
Because and then let's just be honest, a lot of
us who are talking about with that's not healthy relationships, Well,
you ain't never been in no healthy relationship yourself.

Speaker 2 (08:49):
So we walking this thing together.

Speaker 1 (08:51):
So either you're going to address the issue that I'm
bringing to you and give it just as much my
feelings just as much validation as you want me to,
or the communication is going to constantly broken down because
no woman is going to want to continue to give
her all to a man who doesn't take into consideration
what she's saying about an issue that she has with
him that is ultimately usually tied to his experience with

(09:13):
the previous woman, and he doesn't even realize that he's
making the new woman pay for something that he endured
in a previous relationship.

Speaker 4 (09:20):
In order to.

Speaker 3 (09:21):
Have an actual, in depth discussion about male trauma, then
we have to we have to speak to things that
are actual trauma, right, I'll say, like a guy, trauma
basically is any kind of injury.

Speaker 4 (09:38):
Right.

Speaker 3 (09:39):
Well, according to I just looked up the Treehouse Recovery
PDX I guess Sustainable Addiction Recovery defining trauma, it says,
while trauma itself is never simple, it can simply be
defined as a troubling or deeply disturbing experience, often including
some kind of emotional, physical shock, and lasting repercussions. So

(10:04):
kind of like if you if you get a cut
on your hand from cutting tomatoes and it hurts your
hand real bad. Once your hand heels. You're still gonna
be cautious about cutting tomatoes, and you're gonna be careful
with everybody else about cutting tomatoes too. I know my
mom got hit by a train when she was young.

(10:27):
Before I almost didn't didn't come into this earth because
she got hit by a train when she was young,
and from that point on, every time she crosses train
tracks she stops and looks both ways, so much so
that even me and my brothers when we drive, we
slow down real good at train tracks and look both
ways regardless of whether the train track is, you know,

(10:49):
operational or not. That kind of that trauma that happened
to her was passed on to us also, so in relation,
so in relationships, for a guy, there's some kind of
injury that calls the trauma in the first place.

Speaker 2 (11:05):
Yeah, but that's what anybody.

Speaker 1 (11:06):
But he has to be willing to admit and address
that issue, and just like a woman is, or just
like he expects the woman to. So if he comes
to her and says, hey, you know, you need to
start trusting me more. You always accusing me of cheating
or something like that, and she says, well, hey, I
when I say this or when I do this.

Speaker 2 (11:26):
I'm not.

Speaker 1 (11:29):
Like trying to control you. I'm trying to push you
in or help you, you know, get to where you
say you want to be.

Speaker 2 (11:34):
Okay, and he.

Speaker 1 (11:36):
Doesn't want to change that because in some men and
I gotta find it on here and I'm trying to
find in the comments. But one guy was talking about
this where a guy and females go through this too.
But since we talking about men, men will change themselves
if they like, really head over heels in love with
a woman to make her happy. Okay, when you get
into a new relationship with a woman who actually has
your best interest in heart and she's telling you, hey,

(11:58):
this is a behavior that I can't accept it, this
behavior needs to be changed, your modified. Then he gets
to the point where he don't want to change it
or he don't feel like it's something that he needs
to change because in his mind as well, I'll be
changing myself.

Speaker 2 (12:08):
And then here we go again, me changing me to.

Speaker 1 (12:11):
Try to make somebody he know, is this something that
is gonna make you better and ultimately the relationship better
to work? So both parties have to be willing, and
you cannot do that because you make the new person
pay for the other person. And if you can distinctly,
if you can distinctively see the difference in the characterationis
between your ex wife or ex girlfriend and the new

(12:33):
woman that you with your new wife or your new
girlfriend or whatever, then that shouldn't be an issue because
her character and her personality and the way she treats
you and she talks to you should not even remotely
look anything like this other woman over here who didn't
appreciate nothing and was just trying to mold you into
something else.

Speaker 3 (12:51):
Here's the trick bag. Though most women, uh, and this
happens a lot. Most this happens a majority of the time.
Most women will into a relationship with a guy that
they don't think is is quote unquote perfect or you.

Speaker 4 (13:08):
Know, anybody think that they're they think that they're good.

Speaker 3 (13:11):
But if if, if we can only change this about her,
if I can only get him to do this, or
if I can only get him to do that. It's
like women, women take on projects. They'll take a guy
and maybe he you know, maybe he has a good job,
but he doesn't know how to dress, you know, or
maybe he he he's uh, he doesn't have a good personality.
Are not really outgoing. So she'll take on this reclamation

(13:34):
project and she'll I'm gonna I'm gonna dress him up,
and i'm gonna make him look good, and i'm gonna
teach him how to speak in front of people, and
I'm gonna do this, that and the other. And women
because because there's something in a woman that that loves
being needed by a guy, So she will take on
this project with this guy and try and change him

(13:54):
into her version of what would be good for him.

Speaker 4 (13:57):
So what happens, though, I will it.

Speaker 3 (14:01):
Depending on how many relationships you're in, you're always with
somebody who's going to want to change you into something
that is more suitable for them.

Speaker 4 (14:10):
So as a guy, you have to kind of.

Speaker 3 (14:12):
Weed out what's good change and what's bad. Change, what's necessary,
changing what's unnecessary change Because she may want me to
do this certain thing because she likes it, but we
ain't gonna be together forever. And then when I move
on to this relationship here and I'm doing this thing
that I've been trained to do by this one woman,
this other woman doesn't like that. Sometimes she won't like

(14:34):
it just because this other woman has trained me to
do this that and together.

Speaker 4 (14:37):
So as a.

Speaker 3 (14:38):
Guy who is supposed to be who's supposed to take
on a leadership role kind of a protective role in
a relationship, you have to be careful of. You have
to know where the line is between things you need
to change about yourself for you, for the betterment of you,
and things that you need to change for the betterment

(14:59):
of her.

Speaker 2 (15:00):
But here, but here's the thing. That's all.

Speaker 1 (15:03):
That's all fine and dandy and true to an extent
at the end of the day, too, though, men have
to realize you're not in a relationship by yourself.

Speaker 2 (15:12):
You in a relationship with somebody else.

Speaker 1 (15:13):
Both of y'all, either both of you challenge each other
to do better or because you can't be the only
one thinking that you're gonna challenge her to be better.
And she's supposed to modify behavior and you not. And
she has to modify behavior even if she doesn't agree
with you. And yet men feel like, well, I'm not
modifying nothing if I don't feel like it needs to
be model. Well, no, this is not how it works.
You don't get to do double standards across the board. No,

(15:35):
if either you're going to be in this with each
other or not this is it.

Speaker 2 (15:40):
That is what it is.

Speaker 3 (15:41):
If you know that you've gone through a whole lot,
a whole lot of injury and hurt in your past,
then it's unrealistic for you to believe that you can
get into a future or current relationship and not have
to change or modify anything. Uh So that's that's male
are female. But we're talking about men right now. So
the kind of injuries that guys get in relationships are

(16:05):
different than kind of injuries that women get. So you
do have childhood trauma that everybody's trying to get passed, right,
everybody has to get over that, and that's different from
men or for women, or it could be the exact same.
But you also have relationship trauma that that men and
women have to get passed and which is different from
men than it is for women because the things that

(16:26):
are the things that a guy would be would be
would hurt a woman over like, Okay, he cheated on her,
or he physically abused her. Right if she's physically abused,
nobody believes that her physical abuse is warranted. Nobody believes
that no she if she if she opens her mouth

(16:49):
and says to anybody, he's hitting me, nobody's gonna be like, well,
what did you do?

Speaker 4 (16:54):
Because you had to do something right.

Speaker 3 (16:56):
Flip that same situation into a dude getting hit by
a female and they'd be like, well, he had to
do something. Even in movies, you see a guy said
something or he SAIDs back in the day, he said
something fresh, like my grandma would say, said something fresh,
and the woman and she just well, I never smack
and smacks him upside the face and the guy is
supposed to eat it right. And nowadays the mindset of

(17:20):
a man is never supposed to hit a woman has
transformed into this toxic thing where women could do whatever
they want to do. They can even challenge a man
physically and he's not supposed to hit her. So a
guy gaining this information a guy gaining this information from
past relationships of women that he's dealt with and their trauma,

(17:42):
because the trauma that a guy is getting in relationships
is basically the trauma that the woman has, unless he's gay,
then it's the trauma that the man men that he's dated. What, okay,
you just keep it peace safe.

Speaker 1 (17:56):
So let's talk about this other side of traumatized men
and relationships. The second question under this was why is
it hard for men to accept and admit to relationship trauma?

Speaker 2 (18:06):
Why are they opposed to getting help for it?

Speaker 1 (18:08):
So some of our comments were, let's see everybody says, well,
they have been taught not to be emotional about anything.
I think this would be told by another male. Two
men have a totally different way of talking than men.
And then a man and a woman also. Tamika says,

(18:30):
some men don't see themselves as the problem.

Speaker 2 (18:32):
That's true.

Speaker 1 (18:33):
They are so traumatized they put the blame on the
other person, so they can't acknowledge an issue if they
don't see one. Very true now for some men, not
all men, but some men.

Speaker 2 (18:46):
Listen.

Speaker 1 (18:46):
I was in a marriage where the guy always said
I was the issue, and so I mean and.

Speaker 2 (18:52):
Clearly that wasn't the case. So and not all men,
but some men.

Speaker 3 (18:55):
If you want to get a guy to seriously look
at an issue that he has, that's a traumatic trauma
that he has, get his boy to talk to him
about it. The reason why is because you all always
complain about stuff. So you're always telling us, well, why
ain't you why don't you take out the trash tonight?

(19:16):
Or why didn't you pick your socks up off the floor,
or why isn't it so you are always making small
critiques of your guy in order to get him to
do things the way that you would do things. Right,
So you criticizing him on something that you think he
needs to change, isn't something that he's really gonna pay
attention to because you're always criticizing him on something that

(19:38):
you think he needs to change.

Speaker 1 (19:39):
Here's the thing though, that goes back to men only
feeling like they should change things because they because they
think it is. If that's the case, then stay single,
because if you can't be in a relationship with somebody
and see that the person that you're with isn't necessarily
trying to change you, but they're trying to help you
become better. They're trying to just like iron sharpers iron,

(20:00):
just like you're doing for them. If you're not gonna
change behaviors for the betterment of the relationship, then you
don't need to be in one period. And yeah, and
so I'm saying if if a woman can, if she
constantly comes to you and she's met with I'm not
changing that or or you you won't modify behavior. And
yet you're constantly bringing issues to her about what she

(20:22):
does and what she doesn't do, what she does that
you don't like, and things that she doesn't do that
she needs to do and she needs to change this,
and what you're not gonna accept. Then at some point
she's gonna be like, I don't want to hear that,
because until you take into consideration what I'm telling you,
don't come to me about nothing about me. And men
have this thing where they say, now women utilize sex
or their vagina, as I say, as a manipulation. Men

(20:45):
do the same thing with power and leadership. It's well,
I'm leaving if you don't change this in that or
I'm you know, I'm the head, or you ain't.

Speaker 2 (20:54):
She ain't following. She listen, No listen.

Speaker 1 (20:56):
And men need to stop using that that scripture to
in the Bible talking about submit.

Speaker 2 (21:01):
First of all, I'm.

Speaker 1 (21:02):
Gonna need you if you're gonna use the scripture, use
the whole entire scripture, because it doesn't say why submit
unto your husbands. It says y'all submit one to another.
That means to each other, not just her submit, You
submit too, so she submits to your role. You submit
to her period.

Speaker 3 (21:18):
It says both of those things. It says both of
those things. In the Bible, it.

Speaker 4 (21:22):
Says, why you know exactly what I mean. I'm just saying.

Speaker 3 (21:26):
Some folks who don't need the Bible out there and
they be like, it don't say that in there.

Speaker 4 (21:30):
I knew it, didn't know.

Speaker 3 (21:32):
Why submit yourselves unto your husband's as as unto the Lord.
And it also says that you're supposed to submit yourselves
one to another. But when when we talk about trauma,
we talk about a woman talking to her man about trauma.
The thing is, if you have to take into consideration
who you are, right Like, you're not a doctor, So

(21:55):
what you think could be trauma isn't necessarily trauma.

Speaker 4 (21:59):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (22:00):
Or what you think that he needs to change may
just be something you attribute something to something that to
something else that it might not be like he It
might not be that he doesn't he doesn't wash the
dishes every night because his ex made him wash the
dishes every day, So it may not be that. It

(22:20):
may be that he just don't feel like washing the dishes.
It okay, But.

Speaker 2 (22:25):
Here's the thing.

Speaker 1 (22:26):
When it's an issue that negatively affects your partner in
the relationship.

Speaker 2 (22:31):
It's a problem and it needs to change. Period.

Speaker 1 (22:34):
Anything that you do, say, anything that you do and
say that negatively affects your partner in the relationship, meaning
it can cause damage.

Speaker 2 (22:44):
You need to change that period.

Speaker 1 (22:46):
And a lot of times when men refuse to do that,
you find out more oftentimes than not, that that is
something that they encounter in their last relationship, or something
that they've been taught, or some type of chunda that
they underwent. Now this as well as far as the
question goes as to why men are are have a
hard time accepting and admitting that they to trauma of

(23:08):
past trauma in relationships and why they are opposed to
getting help. Leo Victory the second says, well, most men
come for broken places or expressing emotions feelings caused him
to get castrated. Then a lot of us don't have
too many good examples on how to treat women or
even be in any healthy relationship with one. That's the

(23:28):
point I made earlier. Most individuals you are dealing with
twenty plus years of trauma, so relationships is usually tough.
This is why their role talks about all kinds of
subjects are needed, especially when planning on try to pursue someone.
And then Charles says women are mental and emotional, men
are visual and physical. Men are not taught as boys

(23:49):
to see the value of opening up and fully communicating
their concerns, needs and wants. Most men only focus on
once while women focus on needs, thus creating a tug
of war syndrome. When it comes to communicating, men hear
differently from what women say, and that is where there
is a need for a covered bridge. Sometimes writing a

(24:10):
letter is the best way to express yourself. I do
that a lot while emotions are running strong. After a
timeout is best to begin one on one. May I
please have a few moments of your time. So now
these are coming from men, and I specifically asked the stuff.

Speaker 2 (24:26):
Because I wanted to see what the men said.

Speaker 1 (24:28):
And it looks like women are not off track when
it comes to things like this, because the women are
saying the same things.

Speaker 3 (24:36):
The thing is what some people define as trauma could
just be personality traits. So I think that I think
that women really attribute in this era of psychoanalyzing, I
think that women really attribute some things to trauma that
really ain't trauma. So we when we define trauma, trauma

(24:56):
is deeply distressing or disturbing experience are physical injury? Right,
So what trauma is and when you see the the
the response of trauma or the or what trauma looks like,
it's basically somebody trying not to be hurt again.

Speaker 4 (25:14):
It's it's basically somebody trying not to be injured.

Speaker 3 (25:17):
So if somebody swings on you, if somebody's ever swung
on you and hit you in the face, you duck.
And every time somebody raises their hand, is trauma, right,
because you're trying not to be injured again. So depending
on like a guy not being being trusting, okay, that
could be trauma or are you a liar? Have you

(25:37):
lied to them?

Speaker 1 (25:38):
If you have the whole okay, the whole point mark
is you're in a relationship with some with you're you're
in a relationship, in a new relationship with somebody, and
it's it's not with the unhealthy person, but you refuse
to modify and change behavior because of things that you've
experienced in past relationship.

Speaker 3 (25:57):
I get what you're saying, but what I'm saying is
that there's very very few people who are completely healthy
and don't do things that trigger somebody else or that
that would be deemed unhealthy because everybody is. Unless you've
gone through the work of UH of therapy and addressing
your own issues in your own ways of doing things, UH,

(26:18):
then it's very difficult for you to to psychoanalyze the
response that you get from somebody else because you could
be you could be triggering.

Speaker 4 (26:27):
Somebody, right.

Speaker 3 (26:28):
So that's that's that's one point as far as guy
and and trauma that we have that that is defined
when a guy is doing something to put out of
self preservation when bless you, When he's when he's doing
something out of self preservation for something that you've never done,

(26:52):
then that's when you know it's trauma. When he's trying
to protect himself from something that you've never uh, that
he's never experienced from you, then you know it's trauma.

Speaker 4 (27:02):
Right.

Speaker 3 (27:04):
If there's things that you've done that has that has
triggered a response to him, that's not trauma. That's him
defending itself. So when it comes to like a dude
being very not not protective, controlling, that could be trauma,
But you don't know if that's from childhood trauma or
if you don't know if that's from relationship trauma, but

(27:25):
it is trauma. The problem that guys have is that
guys are the reason why guys are slow to either
admit trauma or try and get help for traumas because
we've been told to be confident in ourselves. We've been
told to poke our chest out and to be assured
of ourselves. You can't be confident and assured of yourself

(27:46):
and be like, yeah, but I got this flaw, and
I got that flaw and I got you.

Speaker 1 (27:50):
Yeah, but okay, here's the thing too. Even if it's
not let's say trauma, it could be a personality trait
or a character Those are still behaviors that need to
be modified though, period, So real quick, before we take
our first break. Dereck Coleman says, the generation of men
that preceded my generation just kept their head down and
did what they had to do talking about her or
especially getting professional help with taboo. As my generation learned

(28:13):
manhood from them, we learned a lot of bad behavior
and ideology. By the time we got into relationships, we
were already set up to fail. Then most people lack accountability.
It's always easier to see what the other person did
and not what you did. That goes for everybody.

Speaker 2 (28:29):
It's easy.

Speaker 1 (28:30):
You can keep pointing out what somebody is doing and
what they ain't doing and what their problem is, and
yet you won't open up your ears enough to hear
what they're telling you about you, or open up your
eyes to look yourself.

Speaker 2 (28:42):
And then Marquisha says, simply says.

Speaker 1 (28:45):
Pride, and yes, men are very prideful pride and the
Bible talks about this as well as too for those
who are believers. Your pride will cause you to follow,
will cause you to miss out on a lot of
good women, a good relationships because because you feel like
because you're the man, can't nobody tell you nothing and
she's supposed to listen to you and follow you. And

(29:05):
that's the wrong mindset to havelf. If the woman cannot
cannot push you into your purpose and to and to
help bring the things that you desire and what God
has placing you into fruition, if she can't sharpen you,
then she has no business being in your life. If
you don't want to hear anything, you can't always want

(29:26):
her to be like, oh baby, you know what you
are so handsome and thank you so much for everything
you do for me. I think you take such you
get care of me and also the kind of stuff.
But then when she comes to you and says, you know,
I just feel like when I come to you and
I tell you about you know.

Speaker 2 (29:43):
You you don't listen to me.

Speaker 1 (29:44):
You know, I have this issue that I've been saying,
you don't well a lot of what a lot of
men do, Like Kelly says, okay, so.

Speaker 2 (29:51):
You don't date me anymore. You you never plan dates
for us anymore.

Speaker 1 (29:54):
I'm always playing in the dates, and I just feel
like you don't want to spend as much time with
me as you used to before, Like you don't do
any things you used to do before. You know, when
we got together, he makes up an excuse as to why,
or then tries to put it on you and be like, well,
you know, if you did such such such as then
maybe no no, no so, but every time that you
come to her with an issue, you want her to address.

Speaker 3 (30:15):
That in that instance, are you using words so that
he doesn't use words back, because if you're if you're
trying to have if you just want him to hear you,
then don't then let him know, Hey, I'm gonna tell
you something and I don't want to hear you say
nothing back. If you want a conversation about it, then
he's probably gonna have aybody probably gonna say, well the

(30:35):
reason why are well? I feel like that if you
don't want to hear that.

Speaker 1 (30:39):
But here's where pride comes in at That's what I mean.
Men make excuses when you want to hear praise. Okay, yes,
y'all do need a lot of praise, You need respect,
you need all of that. But when every time that
you minimize a woman's issue with you, or you minimize
her feelings or invalidate her feelings when there's something that
you did or say to cause those feelings, every time.

Speaker 2 (31:02):
You do that, you kill her motivation.

Speaker 1 (31:04):
Every time, a little bit, little by little, as far
as her wanting to wanting to give you everything and
wanting to follow you.

Speaker 2 (31:11):
You kill that in her.

Speaker 1 (31:12):
A woman will give you her whole entire world if
you treat her right and you validate her feelings, you
don't minimize her, you don't make her feel small, and
you give her time and attention. Ain't you know, and
we ain't talking about women that want you to pay
their bills and wine and down them all the time
and stuff like that. If you do those basic things
that cost you no money, that is not asking a lot,

(31:33):
she will give you the entire world.

Speaker 3 (31:35):
Some woman will, others won't. But when i'm some women,
same thing that same thing with guys. Guys willing to
run through brick walls. If he feels appreciated by this woman,
if he feels like it, and the reason and the
way that you chip away at that appreciation is by
constantly critiquing things that he does, are constantly complaining about

(31:56):
things that he does. That if you if the guy
doesn't feel like he enjoys being in the relationship that
he's in, then there's a reason why he should. Uh,
there should be a question as to or why is
it that you feel that way? What is being done
to make you not be enthusiastic about the relationship. Now

(32:16):
there's guy, we're talking about trauma. So in this instance,
we're talking about things that that woman has not contributed to.
So if that guy is guilty of doing things, say
it's a new relationship. If that because by the if
you're talking about something somebody, our people have been together
for some years. It's gonna be hard to distinguish what's

(32:37):
trauma from a previous relationship and what's trauma from that relationship.

Speaker 4 (32:40):
But if we're talking about a.

Speaker 3 (32:41):
New relationship and a guy is asking you, where were
you at because I tried to call you and blah
blah blah blah blah, like he needs DIBs on where
you are, and he's very condescending concerning you and this,
that and the other, then then that that kind of
trauma that comes from previous relationship. There's guys who he

(33:04):
needs to hear from more than just one woman. Are
just one person that he has an issue concerning this, that,
and the other? Because if not, it's very easy to
dismiss one person's complain about who you are, especially if
you've never heard that from anybody else.

Speaker 1 (33:19):
And here's the thing men need to stop. Men and
women especially stop saying that I've never heard that for
anybody else. You ain't in a relationship with anybody else.
First of all, your family definitely don't count your family,
don't count your mama, definitely don't count. None of those
people will ever sleep with you, none of those people
will ever know you in the capacity of being a mate.
They only know you as a son and a friend

(33:40):
or a brother. They don't know you in the capacity
of a relationship. Different people bring out different things in you,
some people good and bad, because some people will cause
you to look yourself and bring stuff to the surface
that you thought you dealt with and you didn't, and
then other people will bring out worse.

Speaker 2 (33:57):
Things in you. So stop saying that, because that's not
that's not to.

Speaker 4 (34:02):
Say it more.

Speaker 3 (34:02):
No, because because there's no way in the world that
you could be with like seven different women in your
lifetime and only one woman says that you have an issue.

Speaker 4 (34:12):
Yes, yes you can.

Speaker 2 (34:13):
If all the other women was trashed because they never
challenged what.

Speaker 3 (34:16):
What what what to prevent that one woman from being trashed?

Speaker 4 (34:19):
Maybe her Here's the thing.

Speaker 1 (34:22):
If every woman that you dated before was trash, if
all your relationships failed or they were are those women
were always putting you down stuff like you really think
they're gonna be able to bring something out of even bring.

Speaker 2 (34:31):
On the surface that you need that that would challenge.

Speaker 3 (34:33):
You to If your view of what's good or what's
bad and a guy was great, then those other past
relationships would either have continued, or they wouldn't be that. No,
so your view, so your female's view on stuff is
not always one hundred just because she is female.

Speaker 1 (34:51):
About Okay, So we don't take a quick break because
we're gonna carry on this conversation after the break. When
we come back, we're going to look at the last
parts of this topic and then open up the phone
lines for you all to call in and give your
two cents as well. All right, so stick and stay,

(35:12):
We'll be right back after this. You are tuned in
to Pillow Talk with your Girl Lady Jay right here
on jq l M Radio, a division of Ego Entertainment Network.

Speaker 5 (35:36):
Sometimes it makes me so crazy, but.

Speaker 2 (35:42):
I'm steal your baby.

Speaker 5 (35:44):
No going away, no.

Speaker 2 (35:50):
Right here, because I'm crazy you.

Speaker 5 (36:00):
You are a complete sprisonn You're not the type of
life that I thought I would have you. No, I
can't see my life you.

Speaker 2 (36:16):
I'm crazy.

Speaker 1 (36:18):
B for you.

Speaker 2 (36:24):
Crazy.

Speaker 6 (36:26):
Oh.

Speaker 3 (36:32):
I go.

Speaker 5 (36:34):
Know what I'm doing, But I'm gonna keep a move
because I believe in the bow of us.

Speaker 2 (36:45):
I believe in this gone oh nose where this all
will go. I got my fiz for sure.

Speaker 5 (36:57):
I'm giving you God, and I'm giving you a lod.

Speaker 6 (37:06):
Oh I'm crazy, oh value, Sometimes you make a sense
at off and somehow I know.

Speaker 2 (37:26):
Just who you are? Night only following GeV.

Speaker 5 (37:33):
Gav and do us crazy?

Speaker 6 (37:38):
Oh you.

Speaker 2 (37:44):
Crazy?

Speaker 5 (37:46):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (37:53):
Qu ELM Radio Family Today.

Speaker 1 (37:55):
Syndicate your show or come host and produduce your own
show on live or pre recorded from anywhere in the world.
Distribute to Radio, Spotify, Spreaker, iTunes, Google Podcasts and more.

Speaker 2 (38:14):
Come join this full service and support platform.

Speaker 1 (38:17):
Get help with sponsorships, build from our current listeners from
all of the world in forty five countries and growing.
Gain access to promotional materials and let JQLM Radio promote
you too, and be a part of our live media
coverage team that covers events and hosts red carpet activities
with celebrities and more. For more information or to join now,

(38:41):
visit www dot ego entertainmentnet dot com or email us
at Jqlmradio at gmail dot com. JQLM Radio Real voices,
raw entertainment and relevant topics.

Speaker 2 (38:56):
Track Funk, Higarulo.

Speaker 1 (39:04):
DP DeMarco Plays presents Khiladelphia, the stage production worldwide virtual
screening event from Dallas, Texas.

Speaker 2 (39:11):
It's coming to a screen near you.

Speaker 1 (39:13):
On Saturday, January thirty, at twenty twenty one at seven
pm Central Time eight pm Eastern Standard Time, featuring celebrity
actors Marcus Polk, k Ryan Joseph, Riley poo Chall, Willie Taylor,
and actress Claudia Jordan. There are sponsorship opportunities available for you,
from major corporations to small business owners or even a

(39:33):
business collapse.

Speaker 2 (39:34):
Sponsorship.

Speaker 1 (39:35):
Sponsorship opportunities include presenting sponsor, red carpet sponsor, celebrity meet
group sponsor, commercial spots, and product placement. For more information
and to secure your sponsorship, contact DeMarco Plays at info
at demarcoplays dot com. That's info at D E M
A R C O p l a ys dot com.

(39:58):
Or Ego Entertainment at info dot Ego Internet at gmail
dot com. That's info dot E G O E N
T N E T at gmail dot com.

Speaker 2 (40:09):
Hurry spots are limited.

Speaker 1 (40:11):
You must secure your sponsorship by December fifteenth, twenty twenty.
Khiladelphia the Stage Production Virtual Screening Event track CBPD by
Arulo on mix kicks dot com.

Speaker 2 (40:41):
All right, and we are back.

Speaker 1 (40:45):
Thank you for sticking and staying with us during that
commercial break. So we are talking about traumatized men in relationships.
So now we're gonna open up the phone lines. You
can call in at three one seven eight eight six
zero two nine to give your two cents. So we
have uh three one seven eight eight six zero two
nine six. We have mentioned a lot of comments that

(41:09):
we received from this particular pillow Talk poll on social media.
So uh the last one under this as to why
it's hard for men to accept and admit to trauma
from past relationships and why they are opposed to getting help,
Zola says, they are in denial about past hurts. You
can suggest that they need therapy but refuse to go

(41:31):
to it, but continue to hop around with different women
stating that they do in fact have a problem. There's
only so much you can do for the brother or brothers.

Speaker 2 (41:42):
So here's the thing.

Speaker 1 (41:44):
I do notice too, that a lot of men are
opposed to therapy, whether it's relationship therapy or personal therapy.
Any man that feels like any man that has encountered
let's say, any type of hold on, we gotta call y'all.

Speaker 7 (42:02):
Call from Keith omar Uh, just send a voicemail press.

Speaker 2 (42:10):
All right, Hey, Keith, what's up?

Speaker 4 (42:13):
What's up?

Speaker 2 (42:14):
What's up? What's up? Uh?

Speaker 1 (42:17):
So, let's hear about what you got to say? You
omar today?

Speaker 4 (42:22):
Who we got?

Speaker 7 (42:23):
I'm a little bit of both today. Okay, you know,
I agree with honestly, I agree with the both of you.
I believe men deal with trauma though differently than women,
and so how we handle it is something that I
believe a lot of women just can't uh wrap the
mind around.

Speaker 4 (42:41):
Mm hmmm.

Speaker 7 (42:43):
So right, Mark was singing like, you know, and it's
funny because honestly, damaged women tell you damage. Women will
tell you about you being damaged in the best way. Honestly.
The reason why I say that is because, let me
explain the reason why I say that, is because they've
damaged themselves, right, so they can always recognize something about

(43:07):
you that just that correlates with what they got going on,
but they won't recognize it with themselves. So I always,
you know, you know, I always say, if when you're
faced with the situation similar to that that would look
at you, always look at the person you're dealing with,
because they're gonna explain to you why you're damaged.

Speaker 1 (43:26):
M So, hold, okay, so let me ask you this,
So do you think that so well one the comments
you just may never look at you. This is why
I feel like that's why a lot of women end
up damaged when they encounter me. In for instance, in
my first marriage. Now there are things about my husband
that I did not see or flags I mess Even

(43:48):
looking back, I still can't see where I missed, even
though I can see that in other relationships. But I
can admit I was damaged when I entered into that relationship.
I came from a childhood full of abuse, and he
always told me it was my fault.

Speaker 2 (44:03):
This is because of you.

Speaker 1 (44:04):
And I tried to change everything about me, change the
way I walk, change the way I talk, changed what
I look like, trying to please him, and looking back,
realizing that.

Speaker 2 (44:12):
He was the one with the issue.

Speaker 1 (44:13):
He abused me in every shape, form or fashion, and
so he refused to look at himself. When men do that,
this is where pride comes in. So if a man
is taught to never look at himself and it's always
the woman or can't no woman tell me something about me,
then that creates a problem when you are with a
good woman.

Speaker 7 (44:30):
Oh but see, this is the thing. When I say
don't look at yourself, I meaning and in a sense
of I don't look at, don't look at don't try
to fix your damnage. What you do is you recognize
what she's staying and doing, and you ask yourself, why
do you tolerated? That's when you start looking at yourself,
so like why am I tolerating? Why am I in this?

(44:51):
Why am I? And once you start asking the why,
that's when you start coming up.

Speaker 3 (44:56):
With you know, so don't try and self die what
you're saying, don't don't try and uh spot your own
uh your own damage and only fix that. But look
at what other people are telling you. Also take in
other people's information, right.

Speaker 7 (45:12):
Because I mean, let's let's call it for what it is.
Like me, we as men for the most part, with fixers,
we don't need to Like women, you all want to.
It's kind of like you all want to think, but
we don't want to find. We just want to fix
it like you are. Like when you upset about something,
you all will want to tell us this is the problem,
and this is why we don't want all that we

(45:36):
were men, we want to know, Okay, that's the problem,
how do I fix it? I don't need to know
how we got to that point, right, I do need
to know how I need to fix it.

Speaker 4 (45:44):
You don't need a full three sixty discussion. You get
to how you got it.

Speaker 7 (45:49):
So I always say it's a direct line. When it
comes to me, it's a direct line to us. We
don't want to know how we got there. We just
know want to know how we wanted, how we sick.
So when the reason why I said, we as me
and we don't need to, you know, look at ourselves.
We need to look at what's going on with what
we're dealing with and say, okay, how do I fix it?

(46:11):
You know what I'm saying. And so once because once
you figure out how you fix it, you're gonna figure
out something about you, right right, you know what I'm
saying that. That's why I said, because once men look
at themselves, we ain't call honestly. I'm telling you, we
ain't gonna honestly. And if we do, we're going to
we're gonna compounded with an excuse. We're not gonna look
at ourselves and say this is my problem. We're not

(46:32):
gonna do that. And if we do it, we're going
to try to justify why I do.

Speaker 2 (46:38):
My problem Okay.

Speaker 7 (46:40):
Okay, I do my problem because she does X, Y
and Z. I don't justify why you do it. Yeah,
I mean it's still wrong. You know it's wrong. I
don't justify why you do it, you know what I'm saying.
So I don't you know a lot of men will
they will use that as the excuse to do what
it is that they truly want to do, you know saying.

(47:00):
And I always I don't even want to say just
me and you know, narcissistic.

Speaker 2 (47:04):
People will do that, right right, it.

Speaker 7 (47:07):
Will do that period. They'll play victim even though they're
the ones that's causing the drama.

Speaker 2 (47:12):
Right right, Well, thanks for calling in, keith Man. We
missed you.

Speaker 7 (47:17):
I know, you know what. I was sitting there just
talking about it. So Mark, Well, I'm on the phone
right now with y'all. Hey, listen, I am going to
try to pull off an All Fellas show for an hour.
We're gonna talk about all issues that we have itself,
I'm talking about it's gonna be it's gonna be like
one of those we ain't gonna talk about the issues

(47:37):
we have with you know everyone else. We're gonna talk
about the issues we have amongst ourselves and sellers. We're
gonna do a it's a fella's chin check time.

Speaker 4 (47:45):
Okay, sound good later, all right?

Speaker 1 (47:50):
All right, So Keith has some really good points, so,
I mean, because we we are limited to time in
the show. So we're gonna go to the last question.
If you to call in and give your two cents,
call in. The calling number is three one seven eight
eight six zero two nine six. Again, the calling number
is three one seven eight eight six zero two nine

(48:11):
six if you want to be a part of the conversation.
So the last part of this Traumatized Men in Relationships
topic is the last question was what steps can be
taken to encourage men to get help concerning their relationship
traumas and or quote unquote issues and pointing blame. So
some of those comments were and I'm only reading from

(48:33):
one from one area because I posted it in the
pillow Talk group, on the pillow Talk page and on
my personal page. So I'm reading a lot of comments
from our personal page because it's hard for me to
navigate between the three. These have some really good comments.
So Archie Williams says, no matter what we go through,
we have to go through it. I say, encourage him
to feel what he is feeling, don't hold uh those

(48:56):
feelings in and then move on.

Speaker 2 (48:58):
Don't live there.

Speaker 1 (48:59):
Some men don't have God or something that is more
important than themselves. I have family who was hurt by
a woman and it messed him up some years back,
and he is just now getting himself together. All I
know is go to God, good, bad, or indifferent. Shanessa
Walker suggests God and counseling. I hate that there's such
a stigma against counseling within our community.

Speaker 2 (49:19):
Yes, there is.

Speaker 1 (49:20):
At times I feel that we needed the most yet
seek at the least. And then Sam Jackson says, well,
you can leave the horse to the river, but you
can't make him drink. So those are really good points.
I feel like I've been seeing a lot of men
on social media talking about a space being created for
men to be themselves. So anybody who knows me knows

(49:42):
I deal with people with trauma all the time. I
myself have endured a lot of trauma in my lifetime.
I should be somebody who is unfit to be in
a relationship period, But thanks be to God and help
and therapy, I am not so. But constant process to
better yourself. Any adults should be willing to continue to

(50:05):
evolve and better themselves anyway, as long as you have
breath and life in your body, because at the end
of the day, none of us are perfect. Still, there
is always something to work on.

Speaker 2 (50:14):
Always.

Speaker 3 (50:15):
When it comes to how a guy is supposed to heal,
I'm gonna tell you this. Men, men heal from things,
like he said, differently than women do. Women need to
vent in order to heal from some things, not everything,
but from some things. Like a woman will come in
and all it takes is for us to say, well,

(50:36):
how was your day, And then she said, well, I
did this to day and to day, and you know
this person said blah blah blah blah.

Speaker 4 (50:41):
Oh my god, they get on my nerves. Hi blah
blah blah.

Speaker 3 (50:43):
And you just listening and allowing her to talk and
tell stuff to you makes her feel better. That doesn't
make most guys feel better. Us talking about the situation
and talking about how it happened and why it happened
and stuff like that doesn't make us feel better. What
makes us feel better is saying, Okay, here's a problem,
here's what we're gonna do to fix it. That's that's

(51:04):
what a guy feels better creating a solution, excuse me
to the problem.

Speaker 4 (51:11):
He feels better creating that solution. So that's one thing.

Speaker 3 (51:16):
Another thing is a lot of women feel like they
are a good listener, are a good place for a
guy to be able to rest his issues in, And
most of you all aren't. To be honest, most of
you all are not good at receiving information. You're used
to giving information, but you're not used to receiving information

(51:39):
being objective about it and given the best opinion based
off an objective opinion. Most of you all aren't good
at that because because you you haven't had to exercise
that muscle. That's not something that that is normally your role.
So there are not a whole bunch of safe space

(52:00):
for guys to be able to uh to speak their
mind without being judged or feeling judge.

Speaker 4 (52:06):
We we've been.

Speaker 3 (52:07):
Taught how to hurt and retain our pride, but not
how to heal and retain our pride at the same time.

Speaker 4 (52:15):
So so as.

Speaker 3 (52:17):
We and in fact, we were being told constantly that
our pride something is wrong with it. It's toxic our
our our being, our happiness, with just being a man.
Something's wrong with that too. It's toxic. You shouldn't be
so prideful about being a man. There shouldn't be so much,
uh so much vigor in you when you talk about

(52:39):
your manhood or anything like that, because there's something wrong
with it. So there's there's very few safe spaces for
a guy to be a guy and and and to
uh to to be one hundred percent himself and not
feel judged and even be be able to express himself

(52:59):
himself ourselves without feeling like we need to preface our
statements and stuff like that. So for a guy to
actually heal, what we have to do is we we
do have to get functioning information. Like TDJ said one
time that guys do not come to church to hoop

(53:20):
and holler. That's not what we come to church for.
We don't come for an emotional release. We come to
get some information that we can take with us to
change our lives and to do something different than we
were doing before to fix the situation. So that's why
we need therapy. That's why we need to do things
that's actually going.

Speaker 4 (53:37):
To help us.

Speaker 1 (53:39):
Okay, so we're gonna take another break a really quick
break and then we come back. We're going to get
into our segment social media relationship Shenanigans, and then we're
going to wrap up the show with tips on or
what guys feel like they need to be able to

(53:59):
admit and address when they have trauma from relationships and
how they can receive the help that they need. So
stick and stay will be right back after this. You
are tuned into Pillow Talk with your Girl Lady Jay
and on jq Radio, a division of Ego Entertainment Network.

(55:34):
Attention all artists. Jq LM Radio would love to support
and put your music into rotation. If you would like
your music added to the rotation, send your music in
MP three format to jq LM radio at gmail dot
com and include your song title, artist's name, genre, and
indicate whether it is the clan or explicit version.

Speaker 2 (55:56):
Or visit www dot Ego.

Speaker 1 (55:59):
Entertainment at dot com sport slash jq l M dash
radio and complete the form. R and B, hip hop,
gospel and pop genres are accepted. Then simply share jq
LM Radio with your family, friends and fans so they
can tune in and support you. To remember jq l

(56:19):
M Radio supports you as you support us jq l
M Radio Real Voices, Raw Entertainment and Relevant Topics. Track
ambushed by crat ap and Idka on SoundCloud dot com
slash crats app music promoted by free stock music dot com.

(56:57):
All right, and we are bad. So we've been talking
about traumatized men in relationships, so real quick, we're gonna
pause there before we give the tips on how men
can be helped in this area, and let's get over
to our relationship, our social media relationship Shenanigan segment.

Speaker 2 (57:16):
So, and this segment is all about.

Speaker 1 (57:19):
Uh posts or memes or videos we saw on social
media what they can be, serious, funny, or whatever the
case may be. And we just give our two cents.
You walk and chime in and give your two cents
as well. Remember the call in numbers three one, seven,
eight eight six zero two nine six.

Speaker 2 (57:36):
All right, So, first.

Speaker 1 (57:37):
Up is a post that somebody made and someone screenshot
it and shared it, and it says, now this deep.
You moved him in your apartment or house and call
it a home, but for him, it's just a crib.
You wonder why he barely seems to care. He's standing

(57:58):
on foundation. He did not build. He's just a passenger.
You're wondering why y'all catching more hell than happiness. He
loves the fact that you hold your own. But no
man stands on a foundation that someone else built and
call it a kingdom. A man builds the foundation, a
king builds the kingdom and adds the queen. No queen

(58:18):
adds a king to what's now his throne. You moved
a boy in men provide women with shelter, You boys
living under women roofs and screaming you real. That is
a deep post and it definitely has some truth to it.

Speaker 4 (58:32):
What do you think, Mark, I think it's weird.

Speaker 3 (58:36):
You know, it'd be different if we lived in society
where where we just clubbed women overheads and drug him
in our caves and that was that. But especially as
a black man, we're under educated and under paid in

(58:58):
our career field. So sometimes it just works out where uh,
where she has the the she has her lease ends
at a different time than yours. So if you're gonna
be helping her out with bills and everything anyway, then
why not you know, condense and and make it, especially

(59:20):
if she lives in a better place than you.

Speaker 4 (59:23):
Number one.

Speaker 3 (59:24):
Number two, most guys don't decorate in a way that
that is hospitable for a woman.

Speaker 4 (59:30):
So yeah, no, I.

Speaker 3 (59:32):
Think I don't think that's as big a deal as
it used to be back.

Speaker 4 (59:36):
In the day.

Speaker 2 (59:37):
All right, what's next.

Speaker 3 (59:39):
So there's a there's videos that I've seen out where
where a guy will be sitting in his room playing
a video game or something like that, and his girlfriend
will say, watch this, and she'll go in and he's
like in the middle of a game, and she'll just
shut it off, and then in video tape it to

(01:00:00):
be like, because this is funny, and he's like, what
the hell and she's and she says, well, because that's
all you do. Listen, fellas, if your lady does this
and thinks that this is funny move.

Speaker 2 (01:00:16):
I mean, there are couples who do pranks.

Speaker 4 (01:00:18):
Get no, that's not a prank. That's not a prank.
That's the equivalent of a woman being in the in the.

Speaker 3 (01:00:24):
Middle of herd wine and canvassing, canvassing, and a dude
come in there playing some Luke Campbell or something like that,
just destroying the whole groove. Just because you aren't interested
in it doesn't mean that you have to diminish their
interest in it. They don't have to be interested in
everything that you do, and you don't have to be
interested in everything they do.

Speaker 2 (01:00:45):
All right, So so.

Speaker 1 (01:00:49):
Now let's wrap up this. What things can be done
to help men not only admit, address and admit to
having some issues when it comes to past relationships or
trauma that is as a result from past relationships, But
how can we get them to get help? So one,

(01:01:09):
I think that men should be more open to therapy
and counseling. If you are in a relationship with somebody
and y'all are having some issues and it's a fairly
good relationship, you ought to be open to even if
you're not having a refresher is okay, It's okay, go
to therapy. Therapy is good. You need to get help
individually and make and maintain your relationships. I feel like

(01:01:32):
we need to be more interested in maintaining ourselves and
our relationships, just as we do with our households. We
clean that up, we maintain that. Y'all shine those cars
up and keep those cleans and put rims on them
and all that kind of stuff. You keep your your
game database updated for your PlayStations, y'all watch y'all behind you.

(01:01:52):
Maintain your physical being, maintain your relationships. Think I'll say,
honor your relationships and respect it enough and love it enough,
and the person that you're with enough to maintain that
as well, to constantly make sure that you are up
to day and tune and fine tuning the things that
you need to within yourself and within your relationships, so
y'all can continue to grow older and better together.

Speaker 2 (01:02:14):
Period.

Speaker 3 (01:02:15):
As we're talking about the other people involved. When you
think about trauma, ladies, I'll say this to you. When
you're asking him to get help for his trauma, don't
only focus on the trauma that affects you. Focus on
the trauma that affects him. If he's constantly stuck in
a cycle that's hurting him, don't bypass that trauma because

(01:02:35):
it doesn't affect you. If you love him, then focus
on all his trauma. Now, watch how you come to
a guy in order to in order to get him
to change something, because if you put him on the defense,
odds are you not gonna get anything. So if you
come to him in the right way, then most guys

(01:02:56):
who love you will be open to receiving whatever it
is that you are talking to them about.

Speaker 1 (01:03:01):
I also think pillow talk will be a good not
pillo talk the show. I mean, yes, pillos have the show,
but real pill talk when y'all in the bed together
before you.

Speaker 2 (01:03:11):
Go to sleep.

Speaker 1 (01:03:11):
I know a couple who who's been doing this for
years before you go to sleep. Make that an opportunity
for him to be able to undress. And so if
somebody like myself or other people I know that like
deal with like our therapy or do like interactive sessions
and stuff with people who have trauma, if you look
at him, not treat him like a patient or a client,

(01:03:33):
but if you look at him in that way where
you're just listening and then offering some advice for what
it is that he's dealing with, nothing is wrong with that,
I think.

Speaker 2 (01:03:42):
Men, if you are really with if you are.

Speaker 1 (01:03:43):
With somebody that you love and you trust her, trust
her enough, then with that stuff where you open up
about maybe some issues that you're having as something that
you was thinking about, or your dreams or aspirations or whatever,
and then let her see how she can give you
some advice or help or see what you may need
or whatever.

Speaker 3 (01:04:02):
Make sure it's not after y'all just got done doing
the nasty, because we don't really want to talk about
that stuff right after. You know what I'm saying, we're
trying to relax, we're feeling accomplished, and here you come
telling us that we we something wrong with us. We
ain't trying to hear that.

Speaker 1 (01:04:18):
Well, no, at that point, I'm not saying something wrong.
I'm just saying, guys, use that time. If she asked, hey,
is there anything you want to share anything and help
you with?

Speaker 2 (01:04:25):
Are you okay?

Speaker 1 (01:04:26):
Don't keep saying no, I'm good, I'm okay, Because men
do that a lot. Open up and say and say
that so she can she can try to. I mean,
your woman should be your best friend and she should
be your confidant. I mean, because I don't know anybody
who doesn't tell their mate like everything, like they're they're
they're you know, when they're going through stuff or when
they see stuff for talking to somebody, you know, because

(01:04:47):
between them two, that's that's the confidence.

Speaker 3 (01:04:49):
Make sure you are a safe space, make sure you're
if you want that kind of uh that kind of
uh confess my confession. But if you want him to
be that comfortable with you, make sure you're a safe space.
Don't be the type of person that he tells things too,
but then he hears about it later on, I'll see,

(01:05:10):
that's why you blah blah blah blah blah. That's the
reason why. And and a lot of women do that.
I won't say a lot of women do that. And
that's the reason why guys can't confide in you. Once
you once you break a man or trying to break
a man's ego, once you try and and and break
him down in that way, he's never gonna look to
you as somebody that he can confide in.

Speaker 1 (01:05:32):
Yeah, any issue that I may have with somebody i'm with, well,
at least now, the only person that I'm telling if
i'm if it's something that I'm trying to work out
myself or something that I wouldn't say to him, just
get my first into that is my therapist.

Speaker 2 (01:05:45):
That's it. It's Scott, it's confidential.

Speaker 1 (01:05:47):
Anything else though, if you bringing it to him, then
then yeah, you have to bring it to him in
a certain way. But I would say men a dead
giveaway for a woman who would not who will not
keep your secrets and confidence, is a woman who talks
about her sex life with you to other women. If
she talks about her sex life with you to the
other women, she's gonna tell everybody else what it is

(01:06:09):
that you've told her in confidence.

Speaker 2 (01:06:10):
I'm telling you that right now. That's a that's a
dead giveaway.

Speaker 3 (01:06:13):
And ladies, your man might not want to confide in
you because you're messing. You see you being messy with
everybody else. He sees you telling everybody business, not just
to him, to other folks. You told Sherry what what
what Alicia did? And you told tin know what Marie did.
And he's supposed to confide his deepest, darkest secrets. You

(01:06:37):
you blowing up your ex men, your exes, what they've
said to you privately to him.

Speaker 4 (01:06:44):
You think he gonna run his information to you?

Speaker 2 (01:06:47):
Yeah, y'all.

Speaker 1 (01:06:48):
Make sure that you go follow, like, and share jq
el on Radio on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter at jqol on Radio,
and follow Ego Entertainment Network at ego in net and
LinkedIn on Ego Entertainment Network all right, and make sure
you subscribe to Ego Entertainment Network at www dot Ego
entertainment net dot com for everything entertainment updates and events

(01:07:10):
and stuff coming up, shows, specials and all of that.
We have some fire challenges for listeners and stuff coming up,
So thank y'all for tuning in tonight to pillow talk
with your girl, Lady Jay. This is a show to
know and to grow loving relationships, and we out y'all.

Speaker 2 (01:07:27):
Thank y'all for tuning in.