Ep70 Growth Through Grief

Ever wondered how personal experiences shape a fitness journey? In this heartfelt episode, I share a deeply personal narrative that intertwines fitness, personal growth, and the recent passing of my mother. How do we find strength amidst chaos and loss? Join me as I reflect on the profound impact my upbringing and tumultuous relationship with my mother had on my life and business as a body-positive coach.

Drawing inspiration from the likes of Sandra Yancey, Deepak Chopra, and Oprah Winfrey, I explore the multifaceted nature of grief and the importance of embracing it. Discover how continual learning and unlearning can be a path to growth—much like shedding skin. With gratitude for the support of my family, I open up about this journey of love, acceptance, and resilience. Tune in for an episode that promises to touch your heart and inspire your own journey.

For more info and helpful tips visit my website at taraCmacdonald.com

Connect with me and my growing community on Facebook and Instagram!

Yours in health, 
Tara

Episode Transcript

Tara (00:01):
This is the EWN Podcast Network.
Hi. I'm Tara from Plus Fitness with Tara. I'm a curvy,
fun body positive coach andpersonal trainer. I love
business and fitness. Do youhave the tools you need to be a
rock star in fitness?
A healthy love of yourself andhelp for me in sifting through
health news will do that.
I've got
fitness topics and guests. Rock stars aren't born. They're

(00:23):
bred in experience and fire.Let's do this together.
Welcome to the podcast plus fitness with Tara. So it
finally happened, and I'm upsetright now writing this podcast
material. But I am a personalbrand with my business. My
business exposes my life, mybelief system, and values. And I

(00:47):
know that this entire situationof learning from my parents as
I've been taught through yogaand Reiki and meditation and
being in their lives for so longon this planet will impact my
business.
I just don't know how yet.Sandra Yancey on her weekly
coaching call today for CEO Plussaid, we have to shed our skin
like a snake in order to grow, aconstant state of learning and

(01:10):
unlearning. Let that land for aminute. We have to shed our skin
like a snake in order to grow, aconstant state of learning and
unlearning. That definitelydescribes myself and my business
and my outlook on education as Igot two m b two master's

(01:33):
degrees.
Sorry. One MBA and one master'sthrough COVID and the year
after. And there's more nuggetslike that and more information
from Sandra on her membershipsite. When you become a CEO plus
member, you become a member onaccess to all the calls. You can
go on anytime, check them out.
And where else can you get oneon one coaching, group coaching

(01:56):
for, you know, under $500 even?So it's worthwhile. I know I use
it, and I know I needed ittoday. I'm not gonna put my mom
or her memory on blast, but Iwill share the odd story as I
work through the first year ofgrief on her passing. Trying to
send more, she was deathly illstarting just over a year ago,
and I visited then to sayeverything I had to say and to

(02:17):
help fulfill her wishes for herestate.
But we're all ready for troubleas she was unpredictable in
life, and we expected nothingless than her passing from this
world. I choose the memoriesthat stand of her and me to
dwell on and not blame her foranything other than ownership
and helping me carve out my ownlife from where she stood and
where I took a stand. Death wassomething my mom prepared me for

(02:39):
when I was 11 or 12 when I toldher was learning life saving
skills through swimming classthrough the Red Cross badge
system, and she told me, don'tresuscitate me, Tara. I just
want to go in front of all myfriends and parents. Talk about
a dead silence in that communityas that comment was a
conversation killer at the time.
So, yes, my mom passed away onMay 8 in the Foothills Hospital

(03:00):
in Calgary, Alberta. She wentpeacefully. As the shock the
initial shock has worn off, andI'm into one grief counseling
session already with more in theway, I just know that she no
longer suffers. She had so muchanger in this world, and with
good reason, she is an abusesurvivor. She helped me and my
father emotionally hostagethough for seventeen years of

(03:21):
front finally getting diagnosedby the Nova Scotia Mental Health
Hospital in 1993 as a paranoidschizophrenic.
And then four days after thatdiagnosis, my dad checked her
out on his return from businesstrip. And then three days after
that, came home early fromschool one day to catch her with
a painting in one hand, asuitcase in another, and a cab
that pulled into the homedriveway. And she left. She left

(03:43):
us. She left me.
She left Nova Scotia forAlberta. I barely got a hug that
day. I had to force it on her.She didn't want me around. She
didn't wanna see me.
But about my mom, I can tell youthat my love for the arts and
writing comes from herinfluence. All through the nine
years we were living in TheUnited Kingdom, she drove me to

(04:03):
art exhibitions, museums, andclassical music concerts, and
crafts as well. Gotta keep inmind, this is the seventies and
eighties. I was just a kid. Iwas exposed to a lot of art and
a lot of interesting things anddrama and involved, and it was a
magical time.
When we moved to Canada, sheconstantly listened to the CBC
on the radio and loved classicalmusic playing in her car that my

(04:25):
dad got her, A car I might addfrom 1984 that she never gave up
on until her death, still droveit up until the weeks before her
death in the year 2025. Germanengineering at its finest for
the March SL Mercedes class. Mymother was not insignificant in
my life. In fact, for themajority of my childhood and
teenage young adult years, she'dbe the person I did not want to

(04:47):
be, that I would craft myselfinto accepting love and learning
from people around me andtrusting myself even though it
appeared she hated me. Becausebelieve me, it was there for
myself and my dad.
Emotional abuse and emotionalterrorism at its finest. My dad
used to take photos of me everytime he left on a trip in case
she kidnapped me and maybememorize the office phone number

(05:07):
so I could call that number ifit happens. I grew up surrounded
by her chaos, but after theabrupt nature of her departure
from Nova Scotia to Alberta in1993, I was thrown into
university months later, burnedbridges with people in Nova
Scotia to start fresh inOntario. I also walked myself
into therapy at the universityfor four years to process it
all. I believe in therapy.

(05:29):
I believe in medication. Mom didnot. She also did not believe
she needed a medication, but theone year she took it because she
got really bad and had to be putthrough emergency, our
relationship did a one eightyand was great, and it was the
mother I wish I'd ever had. Thenshe went off it, said she felt
better, and then it returnedmonths later to what I was used

(05:50):
to dealing with. There's plentyto unpack from a relationship
with my mother and the grief Ifeel her passing and her
inability to accept my help overthe years except on a few
things.
She often forgot my birthday andrarely got me anything that
didn't have some kind of messagefor me, a slap in the face every
time I opened a package. Hergifts were loaded with insults
for me and had been for years.What I do know is this. Had she

(06:12):
opened herself up to love Itried to give her as did my
father until he shut down fromher, she would have had a very
different life. She just couldnot.
So instead, I will learn fromthat lesson, open my my life to
love like I always have, embracethe love the nature of love, its
unpredictability, wild ways, andmanage. Because I've seen

(06:34):
firsthand what a life withoutlove yields in the end. So what
happens when we look at the wordgrief? Well, the Internet says
right away, grief is a naturalemotional response to a loss,
and it can affect all aspects ofa person's life. It is a complex
experience that can involve arange of emotions from sadness
and anger to numbness andconfusion.

(06:55):
The grieving process can beinfluenced by various factors,
including the nature of theloss, the individual's
personality, and their supportsystem. HealthDirect states on
their website, on the Australiangovernment site, what are grief
and loss? Grief is a naturalemotional response to the loss
of someone close, such as afamily member or friend. Grief
can also occur after a seriousillness, divorce, or other

(07:17):
significant loss. Grief ofteninvolves intense sadness and
feelings of shock and numbness.
There may even be feelings ofdenial and anger. For most
people, the intensity of griefeases over time, and the
episodes of expressed grief,like crying, become less
frequent. Grief is a process orjourney that affects everyone
differently. It can beexhausting and emotionally

(07:39):
draining. This can make it hardto do simple things or even
leave the house.
Some people cope by becomingmore active. Grief has no set
pattern. It's expresseddifferently across different
cultures. Some people like to beexpressive in public with their
emotions, while others like tokeep their feelings private.
After losing a loved one, youmay always carry sadness and

(08:00):
miss the person who has died,but most people are able to find
meaning and experience pleasureagain.
Some people even find new wisdomand strength after loss. Are
there different types of griefand loss? Grief is usually
described in relation to thedeath of a loved one, but other
types of major loss can alsolead to feelings of grief. The
more significant a loss, themore intense your grief may be.

(08:22):
What are the effects of grief?
While this website states thatyou may have intense feelings of
grief, this can feeloverwhelming, making it seem
hard or even impossible to thinkabout anything else. For some
people, these feelings orthoughts may be so difficult to
deal with that they push themdown or mask them, either all or
some of the time. The effects ofgrief can also resemble
depression. Some people dodevelop depression following a

(08:45):
significant loss. If you'redealing with a major loss and
find it difficult to cope, seeyour doctor.
Immediately after death, thoseleft behind often feel shocked,
numb, and in denial,particularly if the death was
unexpected. When they begin tounderstand the reality of death,
they can feel sad, empty, orlonely, and sometimes angry or
guilty. The feelings can bepainful, constant, or

(09:08):
overwhelming. Grief can come inwaves, seeming to fade in
intensity for a while beforereturning. You may feel or act
differently than usual whenyou're grieving.
You might withdraw and not enjoyyour usual activities. Make sure
you reach out to talk if youneed help. Emotions and
thinking. Well, everybody reactsto grief differently. Common

(09:29):
feelings include sadness, shock,denial, numbness, which we've
talked about, anger, guilt,blame, relief.
Some people may have troubleconcentrating and have vivid
dreams or nightmares. Physicalhealth. Grief can affect your
physical health. Grief can beexhausting, and this may weaken
your immune system. This canmake you more prone to colds and
other illnesses.
Grief can also affect yourappetite and lead to changes in

(09:50):
weight. It can affect sleep andleave people feeling very tired.
It can also lead to stomachaches, headaches, body aches.
What about spiritual life? Well,people who are grieving often
search for meaning and examinetheir spiritual beliefs.
Post traumatic growth, somepeople have positive experiences
following grief and loss, suchas different connections or a
new sense of wisdom, maturity,or meaning in life. Complicated

(10:14):
grief and depression. In somepeople, grief can be prolonged
or more intense. This mayinterfere with your ability to
cope and function in everydaylife. It may be more likely if
the loss is particularlytraumatic, such as a suicide or
death of a child.
Prolonged grief, also referredto as complex or complicated
grief, is a persistent form ofintense grief. People find it

(10:35):
very difficult to live with aloss. Instead of the grief
intensity gradually easing, yourthoughts may become stuck in a
dark, sorrowful place. Somepeople describe this time as
being emotionally paralyzed,unable to think past the grief
and loss. They feel very lostand alone.
In this state, it is common tofeel confused, feel a sense of
overwhelming sadness, have moreextreme thoughts and behaviors

(10:58):
which may or may not be linkedto the experience, have an
ongoing longing for the past. Ifyou have persistent feelings of
sadness and despair and unableto feel content, you may be
experiencing some depression. Ifyour feelings are getting away
with your everyday life, thenit's important to get help. For
some people, grief might notlessen even after time passes.

(11:18):
The grief can significantlydisrupt your life, affecting
jobs, relationships, and how youinteract in the community.
Deepak Chopra is quoted on griefby these words of advice. Deepak
says, so number one, if you'recoping with the loss of a loved
one, bring them into yourawareness, into your heart.
Express your love to them. Eventalk to them if you want to. I

(11:40):
do that with my parents eventhough they passed many, many
years ago every day.
Number one is learning how tocope. Number two, recognize that
if you actually avoid the grief,it'll get worse. So embrace the
grief, feel it in your body, andit has a life cycle, usually
about a year. So don't repressit. Anything you repress gets

(12:02):
stronger.
What you resist, persists. Soembrace it in your body. And
number three, find a way toexpress your loss to somebody
else right now, whether it's achild or parent or significant
other or even a therapist. Whatpeople are experiencing right
now is a form of grief. And whenwe have a loss of something that
we're used to, we are used to acertain lifestyle, we now

(12:23):
experience some grief instead.
And some people ask themselves,how can I use my insight into
creating a better world formyself and for others? So the
final stage of grief is meaning.But before the final stage, he
says, is acceptance. So rightnow, find out what is the most
meaningful thing in your life.And after this is over, how are
you gonna pursue that whichgives you meaning and purpose in

(12:45):
your existence?
Oprah is quoted on an interviewwith someone who lost a loved
one that's saying, because thisis what I've discovered for all
of you who've had people thatpassed away, there is that
horrible grieving that we all gothrough. And if you can just
open up enough just to allowyourself to feel the spirit of
the person because, you know youknow, our bodies are dense, our
bodies are hard, our bodies arethick, but the spirit is light

(13:08):
and is everywhere. If you canjust open up just a little bit
from the grief and allowyourself to be touched by a
spirit that continually abides,you can feel the spirit of your
loved one in a way that youcouldn't even in the flesh. And
coming back to Sandra Yanceyagain, cofounder of EWOM
Network, of which I was managingdirector in 2023 in Halifax,
Nova Scotia, Canada, she'squoted as speaking of the

(13:29):
importance of perspective in ourlosses. She says, see things as
happening for me and not to me.
This shifts us from being avictim to being empowered in our
grief journey. She also talksabout the model of heart
centered grief, service, and howit was one of the primary keys
to healing. She also shares thisquote from her mother that she

(13:51):
lost years ago, give withoutremembering, take without
forgetting. Well, I hope youfound some insight as I go on my
grieving journey for the nextyear or so and learn how to cope
with the loss of a troublesomeparent relationship. But I do
know one thing.
She tried to stay on top of hercancer diagnosis for over a year

(14:17):
simply to stay one more day inthis world, simply to have one
more moment to breathe in ourown home, in our own life. And
super thankful to my two aunts,her caretakers, who took care of
her tremendously over the pastyear and a half. In fact, even
since the divorce back in 1993on when mom left, her sisters

(14:41):
were always a source of supportfor her when she would accept
it. And, honestly, it's beenreally great to work with them
through the managing of thefinal days to see how the
support was there. And I wouldalso like to shout out to my
cousin from Edmonton, Shari, whocame down and also helped out
too.
So those are the three that Iwould do a shout out to with

(15:04):
this podcast and say, I saw you.I see you now. I will remember,
and thank you for your helpbecause she appreciated it as
much as I did, as much as I do.And, hopefully, when I'm able to
go out there after my ownsurgery in June, I will not be
overcome by depression. But I'mready.

(15:25):
We're out for the roller coasterride of grief for 2025. Thanks
so much for listening. Yours inhealth, Tara.