Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the Psychology of Romance podcast, where doctor Carlos
discusses the latest research and insight on relationships. Now here's
(00:28):
your host, Doctor Carlos.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Have you ever wondered what your furry friend is really thinking?
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Well, let me introduce to you my new book, Dog
Psychology by doctor Carlos Vasquez. As a psychology professor with
over ten years experience, I've unlocked the secret so.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
The Canine Psyche.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
I will teach you how to understand your dog's body language,
to code their barks and wines, solved behavioral puzzles, and
strengthen your pond like never before. With Dog Psychology, You'll
see the world through your dog. Don't just be a
dog owner, become a dog whisperer. So go get Dog
Psychology by doctor Carlos Vasquez, available now on kend or
(01:08):
paperback on Amazon. Mary, our parents, this is a common
phrase that you hear a lot. This is some of
the things I found out over the years and my
clinical experience as well as my own personal reading. I'm
not gonna call it research because I didn't do research.
(01:29):
I just read a lot of books on it, a
lot of journal articles. But do we marry our parents in.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
A way we do.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
We do look for traits that are familiar to our parents,
and there's a lot of traits that our parents have
that are good and bad.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
So a lot of.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
People seem to jump immediately into the bad traits when
a lot of times they actually have a boat right
where human beings we were good and bad. In addition
to that, it's the family dynamic is where I really
see it. We have this internalized relationship that we develop
in childhood through adolescens. Now, this is really reminiscent of
the theory called object relations that looks at how we internalize
(02:07):
our relationships.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
When we're young.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
For instance, one of my ex one of my former
clients from a few years ago, her dad was an alcoholic.
He was an alcoholic throughout for most of her life.
During her teen years, he almost died of a withdrawal.
He suffered delirium tremens because he decided to stop drinking
immediately when he was drinking seven to nine drinks a day,
(02:34):
and it's a very nasty withdrawal.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
It's worse than heroin and when ended up happening.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
Is one of the boyfriends, as she had had a
lot of similar characteristics to her dad. In a lot
of ways, he had good and bad and one of
the more pronounced ones was his issue with drinking.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
He didn't have a huge issue with drinking.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Initially, he did, and he had the same defense mechanism
as the father, really denial and rationalization to why he
was drinking.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
News is her father did become sober eventually.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
But what ended up happening is when we when we
work together, I started noticing that really what she was
doing is using her boyfriend as a proxy to her father.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
In other words, she's superimposed.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
You can kind of think of it superimposing her father
onto her boyfriend's face and trying to resolve that initial
conflict that she had with her dad. Right, I'm going
to try to save my dad. I'm going to try
to get him to stop, because she wasn't the one
who made him sober. He was only he was only
sober about eight years before she met her boyfriend, and
she was already in her thirties at that time, early thirties,
(03:33):
So it wasn't that she did anything, but she wanted
to reconcile.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
She wanted to save her dad.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
You can look at the Youngian theory she was a
rescuer archetype, and this is something we'll talk about later
in relationships. But she wanted to rescue her dad, but
now she was using the proxy of her boyfriend. She
was trying to rescue him and old, in my at
least in my opinion, to resolve that internal relationship.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
With the past. This is something we see a lot
with relationships.
Speaker 3 (04:01):
Sometimes when you decide to make of you want to
state something that your partner's done that's wrong. Maybe it's
like a criticism or a judgment, or you just want
to express your opinion, don't agree with how something was done,
or you don't like that something was done, But the
other partner will blow up. So a lot of times
you feel like you're walking on eggshells. Again, this could
(04:24):
be that partner. It's not your fault, but it's the
partner now all of a sudden seeing you is either
their mother or father who were heavily critical of them,
and they can't process it. So let's say it's the
wife who says something to the husband. They can happen
either way. But if the wife says something to the
husband and the husband all of a sudden blows up,
(04:45):
he could be use seeing her as a proxy.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
For his mother.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
In other words, a very innocuous comment that she makes,
a very simple comment that really doesn't have any bad
or good meaning. He could view it as a negative,
as a criticism, and then charge it up with that
past experience that he had as a child in adolescents
being criticized by his mother or his father or whoever,
and he'll superimpose that parent onto the partner, in this
(05:12):
case the wife.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
So this could be something that you'll see.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
A lot in relationships where all of a sudden, your
partner really gets angry for no apparent reason, you don't
know what's going on, or they get triggered much more
than they should be. And a lot of times these
past experiences, his past relationships that I told you about,
that we internalize when we're young, will galvanize, will charge
these emotions. So maybe a comment that is a little
(05:35):
bit of a criticism or expressing an opinion, maybe it
has a little bit of an air between one to ten.
Maybe it's a two or three negativity, but since it
resembles something that happened to you in the past, it
charges it up to a seven or an eight, And
now it becomes a big problem, and this is where
the partner, both people have to work together. One has
(05:57):
to realize, wow, this isn't about me. This is the
very over the top response. Something must be going on
in my husband to cause this response. And then the
husband also has to work on it too and say,
she is not my mother or she is not my parent.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
I need to look at her differently.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
I don't think she has bad intent, and then they
could start seeing each other more in reality, right, because
our perception is distorted here by our unconscious internalized relationships
driving this view. So our perception is the story and
we have to be careful with that. So this is
a big topic, but I just wanted to kind of
introduce it to you and we'll look at it from
(06:35):
some other examples.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
In the future.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
I'm going to start talking a lot more about the
relationships that I've been working with over the last ten years.
Some materials that I've read will go over the gotmin method, out.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
A parent, and a lot more. How to help you
choose better partners too. It's not so simple.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
So now when you talk to your partner, the next
time you talk to them and they seem to get upset,
very easily. Whether it's angry, depressed, brying. First stop, check
to see if anything's going on with you. Did you
say something wrong, did you mean something, or you're being
rude or whatever it may be. And if you really
come to the conclusion that I don't think it was
really me, then look at them and say what was
(07:14):
going on with them?
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Don't tell them that's going to piss them off.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
What you want to do is just kind of look
at them and wonder, I wonder what's happening. I wonder
if there's some other experience in their life. You don't
want to tell them that because that's going to upset
them too. Hopefully you'll see a couple's therapists if you're
working with one. If not, maybe it'll come up next time.
But look at the patterns, look to see what triggers
these responses, and you can work to start working on
the dialogue around it.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Good luck, everybody,
Welcome to the Psychology of Romance podcast, where doctor Carlos
discusses the latest research and insight on relationships. Now here's
(00:28):
your host, Doctor Carlos.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Have you ever wondered what your furry friend is really thinking?
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Well, let me introduce to you my new book, Dog
Psychology by doctor Carlos Vasquez. As a psychology professor with
over ten years experience, I've unlocked the secret so.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
The Canine Psyche.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
I will teach you how to understand your dog's body language,
to code their barks and wines, solved behavioral puzzles, and
strengthen your pond like never before. With Dog Psychology, You'll
see the world through your dog. Don't just be a
dog owner, become a dog whisperer. So go get Dog
Psychology by doctor Carlos Vasquez, available now on kend or
(01:08):
paperback on Amazon. Mary, our parents, this is a common
phrase that you hear a lot. This is some of
the things I found out over the years and my
clinical experience as well as my own personal reading. I'm
not gonna call it research because I didn't do research.
(01:29):
I just read a lot of books on it, a
lot of journal articles. But do we marry our parents in.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
A way we do.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
We do look for traits that are familiar to our parents,
and there's a lot of traits that our parents have
that are good and bad.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
So a lot of.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
People seem to jump immediately into the bad traits when
a lot of times they actually have a boat right
where human beings we were good and bad. In addition
to that, it's the family dynamic is where I really
see it. We have this internalized relationship that we develop
in childhood through adolescens. Now, this is really reminiscent of
the theory called object relations that looks at how we internalize
(02:07):
our relationships.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
When we're young.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
For instance, one of my ex one of my former
clients from a few years ago, her dad was an alcoholic.
He was an alcoholic throughout for most of her life.
During her teen years, he almost died of a withdrawal.
He suffered delirium tremens because he decided to stop drinking
immediately when he was drinking seven to nine drinks a day,
(02:34):
and it's a very nasty withdrawal.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
It's worse than heroin and when ended up happening.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
Is one of the boyfriends, as she had had a
lot of similar characteristics to her dad. In a lot
of ways, he had good and bad and one of
the more pronounced ones was his issue with drinking.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
He didn't have a huge issue with drinking.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Initially, he did, and he had the same defense mechanism
as the father, really denial and rationalization to why he
was drinking.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
News is her father did become sober eventually.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
But what ended up happening is when we when we
work together, I started noticing that really what she was
doing is using her boyfriend as a proxy to her father.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
In other words, she's superimposed.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
You can kind of think of it superimposing her father
onto her boyfriend's face and trying to resolve that initial
conflict that she had with her dad. Right, I'm going
to try to save my dad. I'm going to try
to get him to stop, because she wasn't the one
who made him sober. He was only he was only
sober about eight years before she met her boyfriend, and
she was already in her thirties at that time, early thirties,
(03:33):
So it wasn't that she did anything, but she wanted
to reconcile.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
She wanted to save her dad.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
You can look at the Youngian theory she was a
rescuer archetype, and this is something we'll talk about later
in relationships. But she wanted to rescue her dad, but
now she was using the proxy of her boyfriend. She
was trying to rescue him and old, in my at
least in my opinion, to resolve that internal relationship.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
With the past. This is something we see a lot
with relationships.
Speaker 3 (04:01):
Sometimes when you decide to make of you want to
state something that your partner's done that's wrong. Maybe it's
like a criticism or a judgment, or you just want
to express your opinion, don't agree with how something was done,
or you don't like that something was done, But the
other partner will blow up. So a lot of times
you feel like you're walking on eggshells. Again, this could
(04:24):
be that partner. It's not your fault, but it's the
partner now all of a sudden seeing you is either
their mother or father who were heavily critical of them,
and they can't process it. So let's say it's the
wife who says something to the husband. They can happen
either way. But if the wife says something to the
husband and the husband all of a sudden blows up,
(04:45):
he could be use seeing her as a proxy.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
For his mother.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
In other words, a very innocuous comment that she makes,
a very simple comment that really doesn't have any bad
or good meaning. He could view it as a negative,
as a criticism, and then charge it up with that
past experience that he had as a child in adolescents
being criticized by his mother or his father or whoever,
and he'll superimpose that parent onto the partner, in this
(05:12):
case the wife.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
So this could be something that you'll see.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
A lot in relationships where all of a sudden, your
partner really gets angry for no apparent reason, you don't
know what's going on, or they get triggered much more
than they should be. And a lot of times these
past experiences, his past relationships that I told you about,
that we internalize when we're young, will galvanize, will charge
these emotions. So maybe a comment that is a little
(05:35):
bit of a criticism or expressing an opinion, maybe it
has a little bit of an air between one to ten.
Maybe it's a two or three negativity, but since it
resembles something that happened to you in the past, it
charges it up to a seven or an eight, And
now it becomes a big problem, and this is where
the partner, both people have to work together. One has
(05:57):
to realize, wow, this isn't about me. This is the
very over the top response. Something must be going on
in my husband to cause this response. And then the
husband also has to work on it too and say,
she is not my mother or she is not my parent.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
I need to look at her differently.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
I don't think she has bad intent, and then they
could start seeing each other more in reality, right, because
our perception is distorted here by our unconscious internalized relationships
driving this view. So our perception is the story and
we have to be careful with that. So this is
a big topic, but I just wanted to kind of
introduce it to you and we'll look at it from
(06:35):
some other examples.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
In the future.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
I'm going to start talking a lot more about the
relationships that I've been working with over the last ten years.
Some materials that I've read will go over the gotmin method, out.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
A parent, and a lot more. How to help you
choose better partners too. It's not so simple.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
So now when you talk to your partner, the next
time you talk to them and they seem to get upset,
very easily. Whether it's angry, depressed, brying. First stop, check
to see if anything's going on with you. Did you
say something wrong, did you mean something, or you're being
rude or whatever it may be. And if you really
come to the conclusion that I don't think it was
really me, then look at them and say what was
(07:14):
going on with them?
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Don't tell them that's going to piss them off.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
What you want to do is just kind of look
at them and wonder, I wonder what's happening. I wonder
if there's some other experience in their life. You don't
want to tell them that because that's going to upset
them too. Hopefully you'll see a couple's therapists if you're
working with one. If not, maybe it'll come up next time.
But look at the patterns, look to see what triggers
these responses, and you can work to start working on
the dialogue around it.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Good luck, everybody,
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