Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
Welcome to the Psychology of Romance podcast, where doctor Carlos discusses the latest research
and insight on relationships. Now here'syour host, Doctor Carlos. Well drop
(00:34):
the what ifs might be a goodsuggestion for your relationship, especially from past
romantic relationships that didn't work out.Why Because you need to be present.
This is probably a term you've heardor a concept which means to live in
today and not to worry about yesterday. The what haves keep you in the
past and sometimes affect your future.The what haves make it incredibly difficult to
(00:57):
be present in your current romantic relationshipand affects the way you contribute to the
relationship you're in right now. Yougot to remember when you're focused on the
past, you also sometimes remember thosefeelings. You can really get yourself depressed.
We can get caught in ruminating.We can learn from the past,
but then we have to move onand use and apply those lessons to your
(01:21):
present and future relationships. So hereare some of the things you can do
to kind of move along. Oneis acknowledge and embrace lessons learned from your
past. As I just mentioned,implementing you healthy guidelines for yourself. So
we learn from those mistakes that we'vemade or the other individuals made. We
learn from what we about the pastrelationships, to learn what we like about
(01:42):
the individual, about a particular individual, what traits are actually better said,
What traits do we prefer in anindividual, What traits do we like and
not like, Which ones we arewilling to compromise with, because look,
you're not going to find a perfectperson, so you might as well learn
to compromise with certain traits. Andparticular traits are easier to compromise than others.
(02:04):
Right, there might be some youdon't want to compromise on when others
you do. You also have tobe willing to forgive and release what has
happened from the past, whether it'sforgiving yourself or forgiving somebody else or both.
Just move on. And I knowit sounds simple, and I don't
mean to make it sound like that, but you really do need to forgive
(02:27):
to be able to move forward andto be able to progress and have a
better relationship and a better life.Trust you, intuition. Not all what
ifs are negatives. Stay present tothe what ifs that produce doubt, anxiety,
fear, and worry within you andthen feel that and then try to
understand it. And cognitive behavioral therapythey use a technique which your first thing
(02:52):
do is you listen to your automaticthoughts. What am I thinking about right
now? Or if you're feeling Firstyou can say, I am feeling anxious,
and what am I saying to myself? If you're saying things like,
oh, this can happen, thatcan happen, I don't want this to
happen, change that around or questionit. In other words, if you
(03:12):
say, oh, I don't Ihope this doesn't happen, find out what
are the odds that that will happen, and what's the worst case scenario if
it does, how a ways tomitigate it from happening, whatever that bad
situation is. So you challenge thesebeliefs that you have or these automatic thoughts.
So when you have a feeling,you try to think about what's the
automatic thought you're having at that moment, what are you saying to yourself?
(03:37):
Because our inner dialogue is very powerful, and how you're talking to yourself a
lot of times will determine how you'refeeling and how you perceive the world.
So listen to how you're talking toyourself when you feel anxious, when you
feel afraid or worried, and thenchallenge those thoughts and then try to increase,
(03:58):
then try to motivate and motivate,but try to how would you say,
strengthen that position by doing action.Action is a great way to get
unstuck from certain behavior patterns or feelingsor thoughts. So you've figured out a
little bit about your anxiety, youfigured out the way you're thinking, you
challenge those thoughts, and now maybetake a walk, do some yoga,
(04:23):
work out some capacity, something thatwill get you in dorphins running, serotonin
levels up, and dopamine and theseneurotransmitters will also help you help somebody else.
A lot of these things can makeyour life much better and your relationships
better. That's it for now,
Welcome to the Psychology of Romance podcast, where doctor Carlos discusses the latest research
and insight on relationships. Now here'syour host, Doctor Carlos. Well drop
(00:34):
the what ifs might be a goodsuggestion for your relationship, especially from past
romantic relationships that didn't work out.Why Because you need to be present.
This is probably a term you've heardor a concept which means to live in
today and not to worry about yesterday. The what haves keep you in the
past and sometimes affect your future.The what haves make it incredibly difficult to
(00:57):
be present in your current romantic relationshipand affects the way you contribute to the
relationship you're in right now. Yougot to remember when you're focused on the
past, you also sometimes remember thosefeelings. You can really get yourself depressed.
We can get caught in ruminating.We can learn from the past,
but then we have to move onand use and apply those lessons to your
(01:21):
present and future relationships. So hereare some of the things you can do
to kind of move along. Oneis acknowledge and embrace lessons learned from your
past. As I just mentioned,implementing you healthy guidelines for yourself. So
we learn from those mistakes that we'vemade or the other individuals made. We
learn from what we about the pastrelationships, to learn what we like about
(01:42):
the individual, about a particular individual, what traits are actually better said,
What traits do we prefer in anindividual, What traits do we like and
not like, Which ones we arewilling to compromise with, because look,
you're not going to find a perfectperson, so you might as well learn
to compromise with certain traits. Andparticular traits are easier to compromise than others.
(02:04):
Right, there might be some youdon't want to compromise on when others
you do. You also have tobe willing to forgive and release what has
happened from the past, whether it'sforgiving yourself or forgiving somebody else or both.
Just move on. And I knowit sounds simple, and I don't
mean to make it sound like that, but you really do need to forgive
(02:27):
to be able to move forward andto be able to progress and have a
better relationship and a better life.Trust you, intuition. Not all what
ifs are negatives. Stay present tothe what ifs that produce doubt, anxiety,
fear, and worry within you andthen feel that and then try to
understand it. And cognitive behavioral therapythey use a technique which your first thing
(02:52):
do is you listen to your automaticthoughts. What am I thinking about right
now? Or if you're feeling Firstyou can say, I am feeling anxious,
and what am I saying to myself? If you're saying things like,
oh, this can happen, thatcan happen, I don't want this to
happen, change that around or questionit. In other words, if you
(03:12):
say, oh, I don't Ihope this doesn't happen, find out what
are the odds that that will happen, and what's the worst case scenario if
it does, how a ways tomitigate it from happening, whatever that bad
situation is. So you challenge thesebeliefs that you have or these automatic thoughts.
So when you have a feeling,you try to think about what's the
automatic thought you're having at that moment, what are you saying to yourself?
(03:37):
Because our inner dialogue is very powerful, and how you're talking to yourself a
lot of times will determine how you'refeeling and how you perceive the world.
So listen to how you're talking toyourself when you feel anxious, when you
feel afraid or worried, and thenchallenge those thoughts and then try to increase,
(03:58):
then try to motivate and motivate,but try to how would you say,
strengthen that position by doing action.Action is a great way to get
unstuck from certain behavior patterns or feelingsor thoughts. So you've figured out a
little bit about your anxiety, youfigured out the way you're thinking, you
challenge those thoughts, and now maybetake a walk, do some yoga,
(04:23):
work out some capacity, something thatwill get you in dorphins running, serotonin
levels up, and dopamine and theseneurotransmitters will also help you help somebody else.
A lot of these things can makeyour life much better and your relationships
better. That's it for now,
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