WE DISCUSS RELATIONSHIPS WITH DR. FEDRICK1

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Episode Transcript

(00:02):
Welcome to the Psychology of Romance podcast, where doctor Carlos discusses the latest research
and insight on relationships. Now here'syour host, doctor Carlos. Hey,

(00:33):
welcome back everybody. Today, wehave a great guess, Doctor Elizabeth Federick.
F E, D R I cK. Can find her over at
Instagram at doctor Elizabeth Federick. Youcan also find her at doctor Elizabethedrick dot
com and that one was consistent.Pretty good therapist and relationship expert is what
she is. Intimacy, attachment,boundaries, trauma. I'm going to be
talking about all of that on today'sshow again. You can find her at

(00:56):
doctor Elizabeth Fedrick. You know whatwe want, folks picture to share.
I've hit that I like button.You know, we like it and it's
not waste any more time. Welcometo the show, Doctor Federick, Welcome,
Hello, Carlost, Thank you forhaving me, I thank you,
thank you for being here. Thisis a it's always a very popular topic
because it almost everybody's in one,wants to be in one getting out of
one. It just like there's alwayssome kind of stage you're in. Let

(01:19):
me ask you this, what gotyou to start focusing on relationships because I
know when we start as a therapistwe kind of get thrown everything. But
what if folks do help you?What motivated you to focus on there?
If I can actually talk today,go ahead, yes, Yeah. So
I when I first got into therapy, I was working with children and adolescents

(01:40):
and that was really what got meinto this field. That's where my passion
was. And really my passion wasabout breaking the cycle, like that was
a big thing that I would talkabout a lot. And as I started
working with children and adolescents, therealization that they're primary caregivers, so these
individuals that are really influencing a majorityof their life is where a lot of

(02:02):
the issues are actually stemming from.And so really it was an evolution for
me of starting with that population andthen realizing if I can get to their
parents and if I can help theirparents start to make these relational changes,
their parents can then role model thatfor them and can start showing up different
for their children. And so itwas a slow progression in that way.

(02:24):
Attachment theory is my passion, it'swhat my dissertation was founded in. So
it just all kind of came togetherbecause of that Oh boy, now you've
got horneus NESCo in here. Sothat's interesting. I like that parenting.
I think a lot of times parentsdon't realize how much communicating they're doing without
saying anything, and just a problemarises in the house, which is almost

(02:46):
impossible not to have one, andhow those parents interact during that crisis shows
a lot, doesn't it. Itabsolutely does. And a lot of that
comes from the term that I talkabout a lot our relational programming, and
so the way that our early lifeexperiences really influence what we come to expect
that relationship. The lens that welook at relationships through that all takes place

(03:09):
through our interactions with our primary caregivers, and so a lot of times we
don't even realize that we're maybe operatingin a maladaptive way or in a way
that is not as effective as itcould be. And so by bringing that
awareness to people that hey, you'reoperating this way and you think it's normal
because of how you were raised,because of the foundation that was laid.

(03:30):
But what if there's a different perspective, What if we could do it differently?
What would that mean for your children? What would that mean for your
romantic relationships. What would that meanfor your life in general? That's a
great point. It's funny. Iused to always say to my classes.
I'd say, hey, you know, if you want to see what your
significant other's parents are like, youcan kind of tell in moments of crisis

(03:52):
and you don't have to look toofar. You unfortunately not let me ask
you this. How does try fitin here? So I know you work
with that as well, and we'regoing to cover a lot of different areas
today, folks, Well, howdoes trauma fit in? If somebody's IPv,
maybe the child, the child's witnessie PV, it's a been partner
violence for out there, not growingacronyms like crazy, But how does that

(04:14):
fit in this whole thing? Yeah, so that does really tie into the
relational programming as well, because theseconsistent experiences we have throughout our upbringing,
they also set the stage for ournervous system and for are the way that
we keep ourselves safe. And sothere's this term adaptive child, which is
that in childhood we develop adaptive behaviorsto stay safe. And so that might

(04:39):
mean that we avoid scary conversations.So if we grow up in a home
there's domestic violence, we might wemight stay safe by avoiding it. We
might stay safe by intervening and tryingto like calm things down, or by
trying to appease a certain parent sothat they don't get reactive. We figure
out though early on, what dowe need to do to stay the safest

(05:03):
possible, and then we take theseexperiences with us into adulthood, and unfortunately,
what was adaptive at one point becomesmaladaptive often in our adult relationships,
when we start avoiding or we startfawning or people pleasing. But that is
really the impact of trauma, isthat these experiences we have early on,

(05:23):
we have to learn how to adaptto them, We have to learn how
to stay safe. And then weoften take those tendencies, those skills that
were skills at one time, wetake them with us into adulthood, and
so it still shows up and ifwe don't work to resolve it. The
other way we see trauma coming upis that the way we're triggered by our

(05:44):
partners, the way that we're triggeredin relationship is often directly correlated to those
childhood traumas as well. Fascinating alwaysreminds me of a story. I don't
think I've shared this one. Idon't think I've shared that with my audience
for if I ever have. Iremember it was a client I had a
while year ago, probably eight ornine years ago at least, and I
remember there was a couple or fiveyears married or something like that. I

(06:04):
can't remember, and I asked herjust to make the short story, I
asked her, you know, howdo you how did your parents deal with
with arguments in conflict? And shesaid they would yell and scream. I
said, what would you do asa child, and she goes usually.
I ran into my room a coupleof minutes later to the conversation I was
asking them. I said, well, in the last argument, what would

(06:24):
you do? I asked the husband? And then I went back to the
wife and I said, what didyou do when he has When you guys
get into an argument. I runinto my room and I said, oh,
that's interesting. I said, doyou see the connection? And she
said no, which was amazing.Yeah, she said no, she said
no. She said no even afterand the husband looked at me with like
deer in the headlight, kind oflooked like, how does she miss that?

(06:46):
So It was kind of funny becauseit seemed to me like her brain
was almost like, now you're notgoing to go there, Yeah, rejecting
it because sometimes that's too much rightfor them to really tap into it.
That can feel too overwhelming to goback to that. But your story is
a great point of Really the foundationof the work that I do is always
around awareness. So whether I'm doingany type of therapy, coaching, any

(07:10):
type of my book starts there.That I said, let you know is
out next month, All of thatis starts in awareness because when we can
become aware of those childhood experiences,we can hopefully make the parallel, we
can draw the correlation to present day, and that's where the change really begins
when we see where it comes from. Absolutely, when is your book coming

(07:31):
out again, it comes out Idon't have an exact date in April,
and it is about the relationship experts, journey from trauma, defining her truth
and so it really ties a lotof this in of starting in the trauma
of my childhood, how it impactedmy relationships and then really then what I
talk about a lot today of howto get on the other side of that.

(07:54):
I don't you kind of give mea little bit of a taste of
neurobiology there earlier on are you familiarwith doctor Shor's work? Then with attachment
as well? Doctor Alan was alittle bit. Oh, he just read
a couple of books. He wasa big action a couple books are he
were about tenel He read a lotof books on neurobiology and attachment theory,
and he was looking at the neuroscienceof it. So I was just kind

(08:16):
of curious. Didn't mean to catchup, Kirk, but no, no,
no, But yeah, that's thatis that I don't I'm not familiar
with him specifically, but that isa lot of what I do and a
lot of what I talk about isthe neurobiology really does matter. And in
adulthood, when we get triggered andwe get activated, so many adults are
like, what's wrong with me?That? Why am I acting this way?

(08:37):
Why can't I get a better graspon it, without realizing truly that
the way that the brain fires isthe way that it wires. And so
if it fired one way in childhoodover and over and over, it wired
that way. And so that's what'sgoing on for you present day. Makes
you've been more impressive, Doctor Fedrick. Did you even read the book and
he's still hitting all the points?So Richard, very good. Doctor Elizabeth

(08:58):
Fabric Folks, you can find herover at Instagram as well as doctor Elizabeth
Federick at well dodtor Elizabethebrick dot comfd ri c K heading over to because
you know in your Instagram it's kindof cool because you covered a lot of
different areas you, Carl, youtalk about taking care of yourself, your
mental health, uh, signs offeelings safe, but also the stages before

(09:20):
you get into relationship. How doyou start conversations with individuals? How do
you get to know somebody better?This is always kind of a friend one
in today's world. I'm a littleI'm older, I'm sure than you.
I'm fifty one, so I'm kindof from the friends age, the generation
which is still pretty popular today.Yeah, and dating was difficult then and
dating is difficult now. What doyou say to individuals who I just can't

(09:43):
meet anybody, Doc, What doI do? I say that because of
the influence of dating apps and socialmedia and that all of this, we
have so many options and it createsdecision fatigue. And I'm right there in
the dating world. I'm on thedating apps, I'm there on social media,
so I am right there with myclients who are going through this process,

(10:05):
and I understand what that feels like. And I believe because of that,
it's created a belief for us thatthere's got to be this perfect partner
out there because there's so many options. There's just like never ending options,
and so we're going to keep lookingfor that greener grass over and over and
over. And so a big placeof where I start with my clients is
that we have to stop looking forthe perfect partner instead for the good enough

(10:28):
partner, just in the same waywe need the good enough parent. Like
none of us are going to beperfect, but we need somebody who can
show up consistently in the way thatwe need. And so that's often where
I start because I don't know,you know, when you work with your
clients on that, but it's likebecause they weren't perfect, because they didn't
have this one factor, you know, it's it's a bust, Like I

(10:50):
got to move on from it.That's such a great point because we've gone
to such extremes in life, We'vegone to an extreme level I'm never leaving
this person to z always this grassis always greener on somebody else's lawn.
But as too many lawns, asyou mentioned, and it gets really problematic,
and how do you kind of balancethat out? Yeah, so I
do an activity. It's five needs, five wants, and five boundaries.

(11:13):
I help my clients work to identifywhat are their needs, what are their
non negotiables, and we stick withfive because we could come up with a
list of ten thousand, but whatare our top five priorities. Of these
are non negotiables, and then wedo our five wants, and these are
our preferences. And so if theseneeds are met, then these are the
things maybe somebody has an active lifestyleor somebody who doesn't have children or you

(11:35):
know, these these things that won'tcreate resentments that they don't exist, but
it's something we want. And thenfive boundaries, so these are deal breakers.
So maybe it is somebody that doeshave kids, or somebody that doesn't
have a job, or you know, identifying what are those things that we
cannot be okay with. And whenwe develop that list and they start dating,

(12:00):
we have something to reference back to. So when they say, yeah,
but you know their favorite restaurant is, you know, a Mexican restaurant,
and I really like Italian. Okay, that's not on your needs or
your once or your boundaries, sothat's probably not relevant. I've heard that

(12:20):
comed It's interesting. This isn't tobe contrarian, but just kind of I'm
probably thinking, like students are goingto be asking these questions, clients are
going to be asking these questions,and I know somebody is going to be
sitting there going yeah, but youknow, you always get the app buttes,
which is perfectly fine, makes usthink that way. I guess they're
gonna say, yeah, but doctorFederick, that's not romantic. It's all

(12:41):
systematic. You know, I'm nottrying to buy a new car. What
do you say to that, Isay that it can be romantic, And
unfortunately, a lot of times whenwe experience what we identify as chemistry or
butterflies, it actually is a traumaresponse, and so it's our nervous system

(13:01):
having a reaction to something that isreally like familiar or something that so in
the same way that when you goon a roller coaster you get that butterfly,
your stomach has that response to it. But you can't live your life
on a roller coaster, and theups and downs of the roller coaster would
get really exhausting over time. Andso I talk a lot with my clients

(13:22):
about that. Yes, we do, of course want a romantic element of
any relationship, and that can bebuilt over time. You know, instead
of focusing on falling in love,shift the focus to growing in love.
And that's a big difference that makesit a lot more sustainable versus this you
know, hot and heavy fast,but then it often fizzles out or really

(13:45):
implodes, because when a relationship hasthat much chemistry to it, there's often
more going on. That's awesome,it's a great, great answer. It
kind of makes me think, doyou think it's being Do you think society
like movies and TV shows have influencehow we perceive love and relationship? Absolutely,
because these these false expectations, evenwhen we look at wrong comms that
have been around forever, but there'sthese expectations around how we should feel with

(14:09):
a partner, and so that's whatwe're all basing it on instead of No,
probably most of the time might bea little mundane and it might be
boring, and it's you know,not that exciting. But it's really the
safety, the connection, the security, the consistency. Those are the different
elements that are needed to grow alife with somebody, not not what the

(14:31):
rom coms are suggesting we need.Yeah, it's interesting looking at studies and
social psych when you look at marrieda couple's decade after decade, their priorities
starts shifting because the relationship starts shifting. So instead of being that intimacy and
passion initially, maybe switches more tointimacy and just being there right as long
as you're in the same room.It's okay. It's kind of interesting how

(14:52):
that works well. And intimacy,I believe is such a crucial co oponent
of all relationships. But I thinkwhere we often miss the mark with that
is that intimacy is often focused onphysical intimacy or it is focused on what
we think is like the chemistry piece. And really, when I talk about
intimacy, it is emotional. Itis physical, intellectual, experiential, spiritual.

(15:16):
There are so many facets to intimacy, and when we can foster all
of those, that's when we canreally you know, roll together, if
that's what we so choose. ButI think that's the other element of this
as well, is that often weput relationships in a box and for some
people growing all together is not theobjective. And that's okay too. That's

(15:39):
a interesting point. Yeah, howabout communications styles? I guess it's kind
of a prelude to my question.I know it's a big question, so
maybe I'll toss it out there.You can kind of start playing with it.
Which is always opposites attract But Iknow, remember I can't remember it
was doctor Warren. I think itwas was either doctor Warren, Neil Warren
or it was Gotman that talked aboutwell, according to our studies, actually

(16:00):
people have the most similarities, dostarty about that way, how the most
similarities do better than people who havea lot of differences because you know,
I don't like doing things together withher because she doesn't like to do what
I like to do. Yeah,which is actually that I see that actually
a lot more that the compatibility isactually a lot more important. So the
opposite attracts thing, Yes, thatis often people believe because it creates the

(16:26):
balance and all of those things.But if you are too far on opposite
sides of the spectrum, all itdoes is create conflict, and so the
compatibility of having similar world views andsimilar morals and ethics and values, and
that is often where a couple isgoing to thrive together because not everything becomes
conflict or combat, but rather it'slike you're on the same page. You

(16:49):
know, you're in the boat,in the boat rowing the same direction together
versus trying to go opposite directions.And do you have like I don't know
if you systematize it or not,but do you have like a list of
said needs earlier about your top fiveneeds? Is there's like top four or
five things you should probably have incommon because I know sometimes religion if you
have two different opposing religions and inthe minute you have kids, a lot

(17:11):
of things happen at that point.Yeah, I mean religion, politics,
views around finance, finances, soyou're you know, the way you spend
your money, should you save yourmoney, all of those things. Yeah.
I actually have a post that arethings to consider before you commit,
and I go down about probably closeto ten things that on family planning.

(17:33):
Do you want kids or do younot want kids? But when we talk
about the top few, I thinkyou're right Religion, politics, finances,
those are often the ones that youreally do want to be on the same
page with. It's a beautiful segueto doctor Elizabeth fedrick over on Instagram.
Definitely check out those posts. Alot of great stuff in there, and
she really doesn't just give you likeone or two words, folks. She

(17:55):
goes pretty deep dive into these things, which is great. She has a
lot to say it. She saidthe way where you are sponsored by tight
nutrition dot net tighten nutrition dot net. So if you like to work out
and you take protein powders and stufflike that, I highly recommend check it
out dot tight nutrition dot net anduse doctor Carlo's code under its lowercase and
you'll get ten percent off and freeshipping back to this. So that's interesting.

(18:21):
I'm thinking toy the top of myhead now. The finance one is
amazing because I don't know about youand your practice in what you've encountered or
experienced. I'm sure it's similar.It's it's amazing how many clients have no
clue what each other makes, howmuch they spend, and it's like,
really, you have no idea you'rebringing how much do you bring in a
month? I don't know how muchare you spending I don't know. Okay,

(18:44):
okay, got work to do,because then there's issued, right,
that's incredible. There's a lot ofissues and often, yeah, they don't
know those things about each other.I've noticed that a lot with my work
with couples. There's a lot ofthings that couples don't talk about, you
know, when their physical intimacy,their values, they're morals, their beliefs
about things like there's a lot thatpeople don't talk about during the dating stage.

(19:07):
But then I'm also quite dumbfounded whenI find out even people have been
together for years, there's still thingsthat they don't dig deep into, which
you wonder, how can you reallydevelop true intimacy when everything a service level.
I think that's where we probably runinto a lot of issues. Yeah,
I think the first time I reallyhit me how bad it was at

(19:27):
certain points it was this place calledthe Wooden Floor. It's over in Orange
County in California, and they workwith poor families, so you had to
make lesson four. I think itwas less than thirty thousand those a few
years ago, less than thirty thousandfamily of four. But the neat thing
about them is when the students camethere. It was a dance studio,
but they also had tutorings to helpthe students. So the first they had
to go through tutoring on any subjectsthey were having problems with, and they

(19:48):
started them at age seven all theway to eleven. I'll get to the
point real quick, folks. Andwhat was interesting is when they were doing
that, when they were doing thedance or the tutoring, the parents were
offered relationship counseling, anger management,conflict resolution accounting. And I think one
of the things that surprised them wasthey really didn't know how to balance a
budget, didn't know how much moneyeach person made or how much they were

(20:10):
spending. And she told me,like eighty percent of them. I'm thinking,
holy cow. Yeah, yeah,And that makes sense. And I
love that you're talking about that theywere providing also that the relationship insides.
One of the most common comments Iget on a lot of my posts is
it's too bad that people didn't teachthis to us in elementary school or in
middle school, or you know,a lot of these communication skills as we're

(20:33):
talking about, or even conflict resolutionskills, we aren't taught those things either.
And so we're just out here figuringit out. But it goes back
to your point, that's the parentsresponsibility because they are modeling it. And
if the parents don't know, howcan they teach it right? And if
they don't have and especially when wethink about so the example you're giving of
the individuals who are probably utilizing thoseservices when they're in crisis mode and we're

(20:59):
thinking about hierarchy needs and they're justtrying to feed their families. The thought
is not how do I learn newcommunication skills, It's how do I make
sure my kids are fed? Andso I do have a lot of empathy
for that that there are times whenit just their crisis mode is too overwhelming
to them put efforts into this otherarea. But the unfortunate part is then

(21:19):
that does get passed down generationally andat some point we do we have to
break the cycle. Yeah, absolutely, you do. You have to.
And by the way, folks,I don't know if you're wooden floors.
It's really amazing. It didn't givethem enough credit because every single student that
ever went through their program is stillgoing on. One hundred percent graduated high
school and one hundred percent went tocollege. I mean the numbers were staggering.

(21:41):
That's really neat. Yeah, itwas incredible stuff. I guess now
we're hitting if you have kids inthe room under a certain age, you
might want to maybe turn it down. We're going to head over to sex.
Just kind of warn you for asecond. This is an interesting component
is a lot of therapists won't wantto tye. Maybe they feel uncomfortable going
there. Maybe they don't know howto address it because it isn't an area

(22:04):
that is very sensitive obviously, andif there's two people who are not compatible
for whatever reason, maybe one likesit more often than another certain ways,
whatever it is, What are someof the things you're seeing in regards to
relationships and sex? And I'll keepit in two different degrees. We'll look
at it in non marital situations.Maybe somebody's been together for a couple of

(22:26):
years and then marriage, somebody who'slike ten or fifteen years. You know,
how do you keep that going?But how does that work? What
do you say for that? Yeah, So going back to what we were
just talking about a few minutes ago, that has been one of the most
fascinating discoveries that I've had in mywork as a couple's counselor is that when
we talk about things, people don'ttalk about They don't talk about their sex
life. So whether they have beenare newly into a relationship, there's not

(22:51):
conversations around what makes you feel safe, what do you like? What are
your preferences? How can I pleaseyou? And then furthermore, couples who've
been married for ten point years arealso not having these conversations. And to
your point, a lot of thatcomes with there's discomfort, it's uncomfortable,
it's awkward. There could also bemaybe shaming aspects from their childhood around it,

(23:12):
and so there's a lot of beliefs. I mean, sex is a
very controvers controversial topic and there's alot of beliefs around it. But that
is what I have found to bethe biggest barrier and also the biggest solution
is that when they're not talking aboutit, there's almost always disconnect. And

(23:32):
then when they do start talking aboutit, and we don't just jump into
talking about it, we really setthe stage. I'm a big proponent of
weekly check ins for couples, andthat's where they start just having intentional conversation
because a lot of couples don't.They are often ships passing in the night.
They don't stop to really connect orhave conversation. So we lay a

(23:52):
groundwork of safety, of learning howto talk to each other in a safe
way, and then we start toincorporate in now let's talk about your sex
life, which makes people very squirmy, but also we see great outcomes from
just talking about it. That's fascinating. You hit all the great points,
Yeac, They're all so true.And it's interesting because I don't know.
I'm a big MMA fan and wonderinghow did that get in here? But

(24:15):
I know it's just gonna say thatis an interesting transition. Let's see what
happens. Right. But guys,this is where I get it from a
lot, because I know when Iinterview MMA guys and another podcast that we
do, they always come to thesame comments, especially the black belt instructors.
They always say, guys, forsome reason, think you're supposed to
be born with knowing how to fight, and they think they know how to

(24:37):
fight when they don't. And thisis how it transitioned in I think she
already figured this one, but Ithink males and females sometimes think I should
know how to do sech I shouldhave to be able to do it.
And I don't know if it's becauseof maybe pornography giving them the wrong impression,
society giving them wrong impression, peerpressure, whatever it may be.
But sometimes I get that vibe whenI was working in that area. You

(24:59):
can say kind of see like Imean, I supposed to just know it,
right. I have so many maleclients say that. But if I
ask her what she likes, andthat means I don't know what I'm doing,
or then that means I'm not goodat it. And my response to
that is because one person likes vanillaice cream doesn't mean that the other.
You know, somebody else is gonnawant talk about ice cream, and somebody

(25:19):
else is gonna want strawberry. Andjust because you don't know that doesn't mean
doesn't make you bad at it.But what if you're actually worried about not
pleasing your partner, then just don'task. But if your goal is really
I want them to think I'm goodat this, then you've got to ask
the questions because otherwise there's no wayfor you to know. And then on

(25:41):
the flip side of that, femaleshave become so accustomed. The statistics are
that eighty percent of females fake orgasmsor have faked an orgasm. And so
when you think about eighty percent ofthe female population feeling the obligation to do
that, that's telling you something.So the man is potential not trying to
figure out and obviously we're talking heterorelationships. There's complexities here, but the

(26:07):
male is afraid of they're going tofeel insecured to ask, so they don't.
So then the female will fake theresponse because they feel insecure if they
don't. And so now nobody's actuallyreceiving real pleasure. It's just having sex
for the sake of having sex,which it could be a lot better than
that. So I often say let'sput the focus on pleasure over performance,

(26:29):
because that's really when true intimacy happens. Well, that's statistic unsettled. A
lot of guys out there point youto be asked questions tonight. I'm gonna
get a lot of comments on thisone before we go up. Moving out
of this area, and you're bringingkids back in a minute. As you
get older, that's a challenge too. Some people say it's been twenty years
thirty years. Is it true thatpeople lose the passion or does it just

(26:53):
have to be different or is itcommunication? What's going on there? I
mean it is lost when it's nottended to. So anything that is not
taken care of is going to startto unravel. And so the same thing
comes with our intimacy and absolutely becauseour brains are they crave novelty. And
so when you're with the same person, yes, there is the tendency that

(27:18):
it could get boring. However,this is not You're not powerless to this,
Like what have you done recently tofind new positions or to try new
things or to experiment, Like whenyou start to bring back in novelty,
you can create excitement around it.But if you're doing the same position for
twenty years, then yeah, Iexpect it to be born because that is
boring. By the way to phrasethat is there. I would end it

(27:42):
with that. Doctor Elizabeth Fredrick fdr c K can find her at doctor
Elizabeth Frederick on Instagram and doctor Elizabethederickdot com. Now we're shifting bring the
kids back, So we talked alittle bit about that. The other thing
that I noticed too, is whatcan we get these. You talk about
intimacy earlier, so I want tokind of expand on it. But intimacy

(28:06):
has a lot of dimensions to it. I'm thinking, is it really important
for couples and clients, couples toget out and take a walk around the
park, to go hiking, goto the beach wherever you live. I
guess it depends on where you're living, take a walk around the block.
How important is it to have thesequiet times together? Yes, And that
is exactly where the check ins comein that I suggest because oftentimes we are

(28:30):
so busy, We're raising kids,we have jobs, we have animals,
you know, all of these thingsthat it's really easy to put off that
one on one time together in thatconnection. But intimacy, relational intimacy is
really about closeness, and intimacy isand when we think about even emotional intimacy,
that is the glue that holds arelationship together and so it has to

(28:51):
be taken care of. And sowith that earlier, the five different elements
of intimacy that I mentioned that Iencourage couples to work together to really identify
which of those levels, which ofthose types of intimacy are most important to
them. So for me, intellectualintimacy is the most important to me.
Like if I'm going on a date, I want to go to a museum

(29:11):
or a theater. That is what'sgoing to help me to feel connected to
my partner. And so having thatawareness around what means the most to you
in that way, you can fosterthat and you can spend more time with
it. But absolutely to your pointthat if we're not being intentional and we're
not sitting aside time to connect,it's not just going to happen. And

(29:32):
we what what does not happen isyou don't stay in a plateau, you
actually start to disconnect. So it'snot like I'm not making time for it.
So we're just staying at as quo. No, you are going to
start to unravel very quickly. That'sa great point, great point, And
I know we got a few minutesleft. We got about five or six
minutes left here. The interesting thingtoo, is you brought up kids.

(29:56):
That's going to be another component toit, right, that's I don't know
how many couples you work with yourfamilies in that capacity, but that changes
the ballgame, and it changes inso many ways from when they're six months
old adolescens, and then when they'regone that impacts you too, with the
empty ness of oh, hey,you're my husband or my wife, I
forget about you kind of thing.Can tell us little bit about that,

(30:18):
yeah, And that is exactly whyit's so important that we are fostering the
intimacy throughout the span, because that, I mean, as you know,
happens so commonly that when children areno longer the distraction. I even encourage
couples to realize when they sit downat dinner together, they finally get a
date night, they sit down,what are they talking about. If all
they're talking about is the children,If that's all that they have to talk

(30:41):
about, that is a really goodindication that we are disconnected at that point,
because when you have that alone time, yes, there's things you have
to work out logistically with your kids, but let's go deeper than that.
Let's talk about your hopes and yourdreams and your fears and what you're looking
forward to, your passions, yourexcitements. And when that's not a topic
of conversation for a couple anymore,we have to do some work around that

(31:04):
because otherwise, when they are emptynesters, then what are you doing?
What are you talking about? Sobeing aware of that throughout the span and
also creates such a much better partnershipto deal with the stressors of children,
because as we know, they arestressful. So if you have somebody you
feel connected with and in partnership with, that makes the whole process so much

(31:26):
easier. Great, She's got greatsuccinct answers. So I can ask you
two more questions. I think let'stry to sneak Amen. How about trying
to figure how to phrase this anindirect way of improving your relationship. And
what I mean by that is howimportant is it for them to still maintain
their own identity? In other words, I do the mixed martial arts on

(31:48):
the side. My wife can dosomething else. Is she does dance?
I think it is. I knowwhat it is that what am I saying?
She does dance. What's important isthat for somebody to be able to
do things apart like that keep theirindependence. I guess I love that you
bring that up because that is alsothat ties into what we're talking about.
Like when you go to dinner together, you get to talk about your MMA

(32:10):
stuff and your wife gets to talkabout dance. You guys have no,
you guys don't do that. Goahead, I like the idea though you
would. So when we think aboutcodependency is such a buzzworth these days,
and that is just the enmeshment ofcouples and that they don't have their own
their own activities, their own hobbies. What we're really striving for is interdependence.

(32:31):
And interdependence is that you have yourlife, I have my life,
and together we have our life.And so you get to go do your
martial arts, I get to godo my dance, and then we get
to come together and do the thingswe enjoy together. But we have in
order to really maintain your identity andto be interesting to your partner, because
if your partner knows everything about youand you're together twenty four seven, let's

(32:54):
go back to the novelty piece.That's not all that interesting. So there's
value for it in a lot ofreasons. It really does help the relationship.
But then for each individual, thosehobbies are so important for you to
maintain your own identity, especially withkids, you start losing yourself in that
world. Yeah for sure. Yeah, and I guess my last question A

(33:14):
lot of the principles you've given usto day, which a lot of great
stuff. They seem to be universalin Manilbirds. They can apply to the
LGBTQ community as well. As wementioned earlier, we'll see we're talking about
HETEROSEXU. But doesn't have to belike that, right, Yeah, And
when I'm talking when I was talkingabout the male female, when it came
to the sex life portion, thatwas more of the heatero part. The
rest of it. Absolutely, Ihave clients from every orientation, from every

(33:38):
lifestyle from you know that it isvery inclusive because at the end of the
day, all humans desire safety andconnection and healthy intimacy, no matter what
your orientation. That's Interrue'm trying tothink. I'm trying to see if my
classes any questions. They popped upa lot. I think one of them

(33:59):
was a difference. Does it makea difference? Somebody said, she think
she's twenty five, her boyfriend's forty. Does it make a difference? Is
it too much going on? Whatdo you think about that? I think
that it makes a difference if itcreates conflict, if you're not willing to
have open conversations around it, becausethat is two different generations, so that

(34:20):
can be difficult. But I don'tthink I date older men. I usually
at round ten plus years older aswell, and so I don't feel like
that that is created an issue forme. If anything, it creates opportunity
for more conversation because we have differentgenerations, different upbringings, things like that.
But what does become a difference isif it turns into a parentified role
that is an issue which is avery common thing, or if it is

(34:45):
just there's there's not a commonality,there's not things to talk about or to
connect about, there's not enough similarities. Then that will create an issue that
could be a deep dive one forsure. We can spend a whole show
on that one. Yeah, Idefinitely could bring it back. Doctor Elizabeth
Frederick. Folks, you can findher over at Instagram that's f d R

(35:05):
I c K. You can alsofind her doctor Elizabethederick dot com. Doctor
Frederick. This was awesome. Thankyou so much for doing this well,
thank you, Carlos. This wasa great conversation. I had a lot
of fun with you. That wasgreat. Yeah, me too. This
was a lot of fun. Imean I even learned a lot of stuff
too. Folks, again, govisit doctor Elizabeth Federick. Wait for her
book, so you have to gocheck out the instagramuse. I'm sure she's
gonna start pumping the book when itstarts coming out or getting ready to come

(35:27):
out, so you don't want tomiss the opportunity to catch that. And
this is the best place to reachyou. That website, right, yep,
yes, doctor Elizabethederick dot com.That's the best place. Awesome,
So if you have questions head overthere. You know what to do.
Folks, make sure to share,subscribe, hit that I Like button,
and start visiting doctor Elizabethebrick dot com.