WHY WOMEN CHOOSE UNAVAILABLE MEN

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
What is the attraction of the psychology behind women who
go out with unavailable men? And we'll look at that.
We'll look at men and why they go out with
unavailable women another time, but first we'll talk about women
who go out with unavailable men. The pattern of repeatedly
falling for unavailable men, whether they're married, career obsessed, emotionally distant,
isn't simply bad luck or poor judgment. It's often a

(00:23):
complex psychological dynamic rooted in early attachment experiences and unconscious
attempts to heal wounds. If you look at it from
two different theories. If you look at it from attachment theory,
the pattern frequently stems from insecure attachment styles formed in
childhood when primary caregivers were inconsistently available physically present but
emotionally distant, so a person may develop anxious, avoidant attachment patterns.

(00:45):
The unavailable partner recreates this familiar dynamic of seeking love
from someone who cannot fully provide it, which paradoxically feels
right because it matches their internal working model of relationships,
and the other the which we call object relations It
reveals the deeper mechanism at work. The unavailable man becomes
what we call a transference object, serving as a proxy

(01:08):
from an early damaged relationship that remains unsolved. So the
man is not really himself in her psyche, but rather
a representation of an internalized parent figure that has a
damaged relationship. For instance, if the man represents the father,
the woman may be unconsciously recreating the dynamic with an
emotionally unavailable, workaholic, or unfaithful father. Each unavailable man becomes

(01:31):
another chance to finally win the lover that eluded her
as a child, hoping to prove her worthiness of attention
and commitment. So she's trying to resolve the issue with
her dad through the proxy of this man. Now, if
it's a proxy for the mother, it might reflect attempts
to repair a relationship with a depressed or emotionally inconsistent
internal figure, and the woman unconstantly seeks men who can't

(01:53):
truly see or nurture her, recreating the emotional starvation she experienced,
but hoping this time the outcome will be different. This
pattern serves several psychological purposes. It maintains it's a familiar
level of emotional distance that feel safe, allowing longing and
yearning without the terror of true intimacy. The unavailability preserves
the internal narrative the love requires struggle in pursuit. Choosing

(02:15):
unavailable men beyond consciously protects against fears of commitment and vulnerability. Right,
there's more fear of the unknown, but this is a
familiar dynamic, so they go for that dynamic. If you're
into comic books, this is where I saw this pattern
playing out in a comic book show. Daredevil, the TV
show that used to be on Netflix I think now

(02:36):
is on Disney Plus. You can see in the fictional
character like Karen Page from the Daredevil and Punisher series,
she consistently gravitates toward men consumed by missions or trauma.
Daredevil Matt Murdoch with his double life as Daredevil, and
Frank Castle trapped in grief and vengeance. These characters represent
different versions of the unavailable Flaller figure, allowing Karen to
replay familiar patterns of trying to reach the unreachable. She

(03:00):
may also fall into the rescuer archetype, and when it
gets off balance she's trying to she sacrifices herself to
try to help other people to such a degree that
it becomes a problematic. The crull irony is that by
choosing unavailable man, the pattern ensures its own repetition. Breaking
free requires recognizing that the real relationship needing repair isn't
with the external unavailable man, but with the internalized object

(03:23):
of the internalized person that you're trying to resolve the
conflict with. Healing involves gradually learning to tolerate the anxiety
that comes with genuine availability and reciprocal love, ultimately choosing
partners who can truly be present rather than those who
offer the familiar comfort of emotional distance.